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00:00Yeah, man, I want some lights like that.
00:02Where'd you get them from?
00:04No, er, where'd you get them from? I can't remember.
00:06I got them when I was out.
00:08Scam.
00:10No.
00:11One of them...
00:14..baby big...
00:15Dancing. Oh, yeah.
00:17One of them, er...
00:19..big shots.
00:20HE LAUGHS
00:24WHISTLE BLOWS
00:27That was a clue, my hook!
00:30Oh, I'm not seeing an erection, are we?
00:32Oh, my God, can you imagine?
00:33Here we go, high-octane stuff.
00:35HE LAUGHS
00:38I shouldn't have, I shouldn't have.
00:39I'm already vibrating.
00:41HE LAUGHS
00:42African Grey's are notorious.
00:43They're the worst-behaved parrot.
00:45What?
00:46No!
00:47No. No.
00:49Absolutely not. No, no, no, no.
00:51He's got an airy crack.
00:52Well, what?
00:54Oh, Nigel, let's give up this showbiz life
00:57and go and live on a canal boat.
01:00Yeah.
01:01In the week, Tarval and Dean were given gongs
01:03for services to ice skating,
01:05we enjoyed lots of great telly.
01:09Danny Dyer was enjoying a mucky book in Rivals.
01:12HE LAUGHS
01:13HE LAUGHS
01:16Have you ever read erotic literature?
01:22Only when I'm the subject.
01:24HE LAUGHS
01:24What?
01:26Oh, right, OK, I get, like, fan...
01:28What do they call that? Fan fiction?
01:29Fan fiction, yeah.
01:30Someone did a fan fiction about us one time.
01:33Someone.
01:34Guilty.
01:36Finally, it was all over on ITV.
01:40HE LAUGHS
01:40HE LAUGHS
01:41HE LAUGHS
01:42HE LAUGHS
01:44My sister and I liked putting on a show, didn't we?
01:46We loved a little, like, we'd learn something,
01:49a song or a dance and make you watch it.
01:50Yeah.
01:51How annoying is that, as a parent,
01:53when the kid's like, watch this,
01:55and they just do something, like, completely mediocre?
01:58Well, you just have to go along with it, don't you?
02:00Keep them humble.
02:00Keep them humble and keep them real, yeah.
02:03The most millennial thing you've ever said.
02:06And Mac was back putting some mini brain boxes to the test.
02:10And remember, all our questions have been tested out
02:12on a cross-section of the British public, not just kids.
02:15So this is one that 90% of our survey got right.
02:18Let's see how you do.
02:20If you asked me about something like Henry VIII's wives,
02:23I'd be all over it, like, wait on rice, cos that's...
02:25Fifth wife.
02:26Er...
02:27First was Catherine of Aragon, second was Anne Boleyn,
02:29third was Jane Seymour,
02:32fourth was Anne of Cleves,
02:33fifth was Catherine Howard,
02:36sixth was Catherine Parr.
02:38Nice.
02:39So if we got the Tudors, I'd be fine,
02:41but, like, anything about tectonic plates
02:43or anything like that...
02:52So I've been working on my chocolate fondant recipe lately.
02:56I've figured out, right, that if you take the tin,
03:00you butter it up,
03:01and if you put it in the freezer first,
03:03you get more of a cakey effect.
03:05Harry and Matt.
03:06I just...
03:07Cos you said fondant,
03:08I'm just thinking of fondant fancies.
03:10Pink fondant fancies,
03:11it might put out there,
03:12I think that's the best cake out there.
03:15Are you making them?
03:16No, no, just like...
03:17Or are you getting them from the shelf?
03:18Off the shelf, yeah, yeah, yeah.
03:19Have you tried to make them?
03:20Nah, it feels like a very...
03:22If I'm going to make a cake,
03:22that's not an entry-level cake, is it?
03:24I'm going to go in for like a Victoria sponge.
03:25I'm going to make a fondant fancy.
03:27It's like...
03:27It's like four different items straight away.
03:30But I just think two things.
03:31Firstly,
03:32pink fondant fancies or French fancies,
03:34the best cakes out there.
03:35Yeah.
03:36Secondly,
03:37the other ones,
03:38you get the brown ones and the yellow ones.
03:39Yeah.
03:40Why are they in the box?
03:41This week,
03:42there was an extra special episode of this
03:45to test the nation on ITV.
03:47Do you know what I also think though?
03:48The 1% Club, yeah.
03:50A lot of people are quite thick, aren't they?
03:52So 1%,
03:53the general population,
03:55you can straight away,
03:55you can eliminate like 50% straight away.
03:57So it's more like...
03:59Mate, you want to try and get past 50%?
04:01I reckon we'll do as well as we always do.
04:04What, like...
04:04Not very well.
04:06Yeah, yeah, yeah.
04:07Apparently,
04:07the producer of the 1%,
04:10that's reform.
04:14I've heard that from someone who knows.
04:20Oh, look at the kids,
04:22little brain boxes.
04:24Do you watch the 1% Club with your family?
04:26If so, do your kids do better than you?
04:28I wonder if they've got the Dow school to do this.
04:30Maybe it might have happened in half term.
04:32True.
04:33Or summer holidays.
04:35We're about to find out because tonight
04:37all our contestants are kids aged from nine,
04:39to 15.
04:40Terrible suit she's wearing.
04:42It doesn't fit,
04:42and it doesn't match the jacket and the trousers.
04:45Oh!
04:46Tonight we are not playing for money.
04:48Oh, that's a shame.
04:49Oh!
04:49Sorry kids,
04:50there are certain TV rules about giving kids 100 grand.
04:53Why?
04:53Why can't they give the kids 100 grand?
04:55Oh, she's fuming that one.
04:56She's like, they're fucking joking.
04:57But anyone who gets to the end and answers the 1% question correctly
05:00will win an amazing two week holiday for them and their family
05:04to Walt Disney World in Florida.
05:06Have we been Disney World?
05:09Yeah.
05:09We have.
05:10That's literally my dream.
05:11How do I enter?
05:12What's the age limit?
05:13That's sick.
05:15Oh my God, I've got my tattoo.
05:16OK, it's time for our first question.
05:19Oh God, here we go.
05:20Are you sure you don't want to do a team game?
05:22No.
05:22I think it's more fun if we compete.
05:25OK, of course.
05:25OK.
05:26So this is one that 90% of our survey got right.
05:29Let's see how you do.
05:31So 90% of people know the answer to this.
05:33This is how it works.
05:33You get it?
05:34Mm-hmm.
05:35Which of the options is not used in the image below?
05:37I don't get that.
05:38Time starts now.
05:39Which of the options is not used in the image below?
05:42I don't know what that means.
05:43All right, yeah.
05:43C, isn't it?
05:44There's no orange triangle.
05:46You were quick.
05:47You were quick.
05:48Yeah, you're right.
05:48You just require eyesight.
05:50If you have functioning eyes, you get this right.
05:53Do you know what I mean?
05:56Is that supposed to be Disneyland?
05:58Well, it looks like it, doesn't it?
06:00You know what I mean?
06:01We lost none of you.
06:02Yay!
06:03Oh, you might have lost me.
06:05Don't celebrate, guys.
06:06Do you know what I mean?
06:07So it's time for the 60% question.
06:10The 60% question.
06:11This is where it gets tougher.
06:13If A equals Z, B equals Y, C equals X, and so on,
06:18which of the following is correct?
06:21What?
06:22Oh, Christ.
06:23I hate ones like this.
06:25I hate you talking whilst I'm trying to figure them out.
06:30Oh, is it going through the alphabet?
06:31Yeah, so you've got to...
06:32Oh, it's reverse.
06:33It's reverse.
06:34Yeah, it's all reverse.
06:35A, B, C, D, E, F, G...
06:37It's A or C.
06:40Right, so...
06:41All equals zoo.
06:42Well, that can't be correct, because A equals...
06:44Oh, A equals Z.
06:45Yeah, that just makes sense.
06:46Oh.
06:47Oh!
06:48I've just smashed it, and I got it before you did.
06:50A, final answer.
06:51I mean, I'd probably deliberately get it wrong just so I could go home.
06:56Go and play with my guinea pigs at that age.
06:58Yeah.
07:02I think it's yet is big.
07:04Let's see who got it right.
07:06That's difficult.
07:07I don't think I'm right.
07:08I think...
07:08I haven't got time for this.
07:11Oh, these kids look nervous.
07:13They're killing them with blue.
07:15Oh, gosh.
07:16It's like the Hunger Games.
07:17It was awful.
07:21Wow.
07:22We lost 33 kids.
07:23Oh, this is going to be a short show.
07:2533.
07:26That's brutal.
07:27How can you show your face at school the next day?
07:29That was a massive...
07:29Absolute idiot, bruv.
07:32It is A.
07:33All equals zoo.
07:35Yeah.
07:35Yay!
07:36Did we get it right?
07:37We are now down to the 20% question.
07:4020%.
07:41Oh, 20%.
07:42If I get this right, I'm going to freak myself out.
07:45What do you get if you solve the puzzle below?
07:48I can't read that.
07:50Oh, my God.
07:51Oh, I'm terrible at this stuff.
07:55Can you find the animal hidden in this question?
08:02What fucking animal?
08:03Where?
08:07Camel.
08:08Camel.
08:08Camel?
08:08No, it's not camel.
08:10Cannimal.
08:11Cannim...
08:12Crocodile.
08:13It's a crocodile.
08:17Anamilo.
08:18Italian for animal.
08:19Camel.
08:20No, no, no, no.
08:21Fucking dolphin mammal.
08:23Fuck.
08:23Why is there so many letters all jumbled up?
08:25It's horrible.
08:25Oh, Lord.
08:26Lion.
08:27Rhino.
08:27Let's have a look at the answer.
08:29It's crocodile.
08:31There it is in red.
08:32What?
08:33I thought it was together.
08:34Oh!
08:35Well, I would have got it if you weren't sat next to me fidgeting.
08:38After whittling down the kids here in the studio, we are left with the 1% question.
08:44Whittling down the kids.
08:45That's a bit harsh.
08:46Yeah, it sounds like a weird album.
08:49This is your 1% question.
08:51Come on, let's go for the 1% then.
08:54Come on.
08:54Let's beat this nine-year-old.
08:57Oh, jeez.
08:58What number replaces the question mark in this pyramid?
09:02Nine is half of 18.
09:04So, 10 plus...
09:0516 is going to be double 18.
09:07It's going to be 36.
09:08Four?
09:09No, 18.
09:10Nine.
09:10Ten.
09:11Eight.
09:12Eight.
09:12Ten.
09:13Nine, seven.
09:15Ten, eight.
09:16What the f*** is that?
09:21It's seven.
09:23No, it's not.
09:25I don't know what's going on here.
09:26Four, add 10, 40.
09:28I'd be planning a different holiday.
09:30I'm out.
09:31It's 13.
09:32It's 13.
09:37What the f*** is it?
09:40I'm going to go five.
09:42Oh, you're a willy.
09:43It's not five.
09:45It's four plus seven.
09:47It's 13.
09:49I'm well annoyed.
09:50What is it, 11?
09:51It's 11.
09:52I'm well annoyed.
09:53Right, your answers are locked in, so you can't change it.
09:55So we may as well ask what you put, starting with Elena.
09:58I guessed eight.
09:59I was going to say eight, but they've said eight.
10:01Ollie.
10:02Ten.
10:03Ellie.
10:03Thirteen.
10:04Finley.
10:05Thirteen.
10:06Thirteen?
10:07But basically...
10:07You can't just throw a 13 in there.
10:08There's no...
10:10They're all nines and eights and sixes.
10:12Where are you getting a 13?
10:13Oh, they're all different numbers.
10:14They're all different numbers.
10:15Only one's going to meet Mickey Mouse.
10:1913!
10:2113!
10:22Oh, bless him.
10:23Oh, brilliant.
10:24Liv!
10:25You're going to Disney?
10:27Where am I going to Disney, Liv?
10:29It's 13, because each number is the average of the two numbers underneath it.
10:33What's the average?
10:34What does average mean?
10:35Well, yeah.
10:37It's...
10:37That's...
10:38They...
10:38Oh, God, I don't know.
10:39What does average mean?
10:41In that context, I haven't got a clue.
10:43No, I don't.
10:43I still don't get it.
10:44I'm going to add that to my CV.
10:45Mm-hmm.
10:461% Club.
10:47Kid's edition.
10:48Kid's edition.
10:52In North London...
10:53But you've got to be careful at your age.
10:55Do you keep hydrated?
10:57I do.
10:57I'm very...
10:58I'm very careful about that.
10:59Yeah.
11:00Julian and his good friend, Nigel.
11:02When I get on my motorbike, you see, and that calls me down.
11:06Don't worry.
11:06Did you come here by motorbike?
11:07I did, yeah.
11:08I got lost, actually, because I don't have a sat-nav on the bike.
11:12You shouldn't.
11:12You can get dial-a-ride and things.
11:15There's special transport for the elderly.
11:19You could come by ambulance.
11:23Oh, I'll think of that next time, yeah.
11:26This week, our favourite bloke on a barge was back criss-crossing the nation.
11:31There's something bleak about canals.
11:34Yeah, well, because you've got walls down each side, and it can be quite dark and a bit dreary.
11:40And they're usually in the Midlands, aren't they?
11:42We're from the home of canals, aren't we?
11:44Yeah, because there's more canals in Birmingham than there is...
11:47Venice.
11:53Oh, I love it already.
11:55That's your dream, that is, isn't it?
11:56It's so slow.
11:58It's so mellow.
11:59That's called a lock.
12:00Yes.
12:01That's actually...
12:02They're actually sick.
12:02Have you seen...
12:03Oh, have you seen the one on the Panama Canal?
12:06It, like, goes up here, yeah, it blocks off both ends and it raises up.
12:11The water.
12:11So the boat is literally going, like, I don't know, 50 feet.
12:14It's in...
12:14It's literally...
12:15It is an unbelievable feat of engineering brilliance.
12:18My name's Robbie Cumming.
12:20That's me.
12:21Well, you know Robbie's back.
12:22What's he gonna do this time?
12:24No, no.
12:25Is he gonna go under a low bridge?
12:27Oh, God.
12:29Creating a splash on the bow of my boat.
12:31Wow.
12:32I didn't realize the boat's got wet.
12:34Yeah.
12:35Well, they do, don't they?
12:36Because they've got the...
12:36They're on water.
12:38But, I mean...
12:42This time, I'm travelling on the Trent and Mersey Canal.
12:46What was the Trent and Mersey episode?
12:48Lean in.
12:49The Mersey!
12:50My new home!
12:50Hey, old neck of the woods, that girl!
12:53There'll be plenty to see.
12:55Will there?
12:55Honestly, plenty.
12:57Do you remember when he made granola?
12:58Mm, I do.
13:05You have to be quite patient for this.
13:07Yeah.
13:08It's not one of your virtues.
13:10No.
13:12Right.
13:13That was my last double lock of the day.
13:16I thought I'd get a bit further, to be honest.
13:18So did we, Robbie.
13:19I like him.
13:20He's got nice teeth.
13:21Has he?
13:21Which I think's important.
13:23I think so, too.
13:23I'm pooped.
13:24I've run out of steam.
13:26So I'm gonna moor up.
13:28What's mooring up?
13:29Just, like, stopping the boat.
13:30Okay.
13:31And tying yourself on the side.
13:32Okay.
13:33Quite close to this motorway, actually.
13:36Oh.
13:37Perfect.
13:38Sleeping next to the motorway's not ideal, is he?
13:40Vroom!
13:41Vroom!
13:42Vroom!
13:43Ah!
13:45Vroom!
13:49Vroom!
13:50It's empty.
13:52Right, I'm just taking a little walk in the dark.
13:54Well, it looks like a dogging area to me.
13:58Do you know what I'm saying?
13:59I do.
14:01Just to scare myself a bit.
14:03Oh.
14:04Why?
14:05It's quite close to Halloween.
14:07Spooky season.
14:08What?
14:09What?
14:10Oh.
14:11Oh, no.
14:11Be careful.
14:12And also, I'm close to the M6.
14:16Hmm.
14:17A much quicker and more efficient mode of transport.
14:20Considered, by some, one of the most haunted motorways in the country.
14:26Is it?
14:27Did you know that?
14:27No.
14:28I drive on the M6 all the time as well.
14:30You ever seen a ghost?
14:31No, have you?
14:32No.
14:32Because it's Birmingham goes to the M6, isn't it?
14:35Hmm, yeah.
14:35Junction 10.
14:37Yeah.
14:37A ghostly lorry going the wrong way.
14:40What?
14:40A ghostly lorry.
14:42Can a lorry be a ghost?
14:43I'd argue a lorry can't be a ghost.
14:46And a group of Roman soldiers marching across.
14:49On the M6.
14:51HE LAUGHS
14:51I know they built a lot of roads, the Romans, but I didn't know they built the M6.
14:56A bit later, the drama continued.
15:00It is off again.
15:01Chug, chug, chug.
15:02She got small locks.
15:03What I want to know is what was the whole purpose of this trip?
15:06And it's around here, near the top of Heartbreak Hill.
15:10Things start to go a bit pear-shaped.
15:12Oh, no.
15:14I was taking the naughty lass over to the offside lock, but once I started moving the boat, it just
15:20got stuck.
15:21You're joking.
15:22He's what they call beached it.
15:24I pushed the barge pole against the concrete on the side.
15:28Right.
15:28It was a little bit too far away to get any purchase.
15:30Go and push.
15:31Oh, is that what they mean when they say I wouldn't touch you with a barge pole?
15:34Yeah, because there's a saying there.
15:35Yeah.
15:37I get it now.
15:38So I put it into the water itself to try and find something to push off on.
15:42Oh.
15:43Some really soft silt.
15:46Oh, and he's in!
15:50This is why you're tuned into Canal Boat Diaries, because at any time, something like that can happen.
15:57And he's going to get, like, an E.coli from that water if his mouth is open.
16:01Right, I'm out.
16:02Let's see if I can pull the boat back to the side.
16:05Because right now, it is still completely stuck.
16:07I had to call the police, wouldn't you?
16:11And ask for help.
16:12I've got this friend called Jake, and he's an odd job man.
16:17He'd come out and do whatever.
16:18Jake.
16:19Jake.
16:19Send for the staff, is what Nigel would do.
16:22Yes, send for the staff.
16:23With the naughty lass freed up, I've decided to use the other lock.
16:29Oh, no, is use the other lock?
16:30It never ends.
16:32Oh, Robbie, what a day.
16:33What a day.
16:34What a day Robbie's had.
16:36Oh, Nigel, let's give up this showbiz life and go and live on a canal boat.
16:41Yeah.
16:43Oh, okay.
16:44I don't think I could ever go less than Bucky's.
16:47Good friends Max and George.
16:49I mean, this might be a bit TMI, but when you don't have any underwear on, I've, like, rolled over.
16:55No, don't, because now I'm thinking of it.
16:57And really, like, hurt myself.
17:00Hurt yourself?
17:00Yeah, I've, like, rolled over, like, onto one of my, like, testicles.
17:05It's a lot, that, isn't it?
17:06Do you remember the time when I went for a run, and I told you about this, remember the time
17:10when I went for a run when I first moved to London, and my testicles got twisted, ended up in
17:14A&E.
17:15I had to have an ultrasound on my ball sack, and then they, like, untwisted them. One nearly died from
17:21suffocation. Can you imagine?
17:24How are the twins?
17:25They're alright now.
17:26It's good.
17:27Thanks for asking.
17:28This week, The Orange Factor ramped up on Disney Plus with our favourite 80s romp.
17:34This might get you going, Nigel.
17:37It did, well, the first day it did.
17:38A lot of bonking, isn't it?
17:40I know.
17:40In the stables and wherever.
17:42I loved it.
17:43I kept thinking, though, why am I not in it?
17:46You could have been in it, couldn't you?
17:48Well, I just thought, and then my wife said to me, because you're too old.
17:51But there might be a part for a randy granddad.
17:55I get embarrassed me when it comes to romance to you.
17:58Romance or erotica.
18:00Oh, erotica.
18:01Erotica.
18:01Erotica.
18:01I like a bit erotica.
18:06Starring...
18:07No, Nigel Haver.
18:09No.
18:10What an oversight.
18:11I don't know what this is making.
18:12This is made for you, really.
18:13Well, that's what I thought.
18:17Ayo.
18:17Freeway.
18:18There we go.
18:19Have you ever had a threesome?
18:20Never mind.
18:23So what are they rivals for?
18:25Just watch it.
18:25What are they rivals for?
18:27I've already said I'm feeling a little bit awkward.
18:29That I know this is going to be a bit steamy.
18:30You're getting closer and closer.
18:32I'm merging with the couch at this point.
18:34Can I have a bit of room?
18:35Look at that pillow.
18:36Stop looking at me like that.
18:37It really sounds like a you problem.
18:40Morning, Susie.
18:41Hi.
18:42Morning, Mr Barriger.
18:43Come on, Lizzie.
18:44Here you go.
18:46Can you please not broadcast the fact that I've forgotten my script?
18:49He's such a wanker.
18:50So Lizzie's married to him, James, but she's having an affair with Freddie.
18:53They've got a bit of a forbidden love.
18:54And that's Danny Dyer?
18:55Yes.
18:55Okay.
18:56This is a rehearsal, Lizzie.
18:57I have to make notes about my character.
18:59He seems like an absolute great guy.
19:02Relatable, down to earth.
19:03Nice hairstyle.
19:04Look how long that bit of picture is, by the way.
19:06Why is that so long?
19:08I mean, Lizzie, for once, could you please at least try and be supportive of my career?
19:12Arsehole.
19:13Oh, he is a piece of work, isn't he?
19:16You never argue in front of people.
19:18No.
19:19Is this house supposed to be cock and balls in the head chair?
19:22Oh, that's very good cock and balls.
19:24She leant against the gate.
19:25Her thighs pricked red from the nettles.
19:29Anger stepped towards her.
19:30So he's reading an extract from Lizzie's book that she's just written.
19:33There's something about Danny Dyer, do you know what I mean?
19:36Like, I feel like I would.
19:39Is that weird?
19:40I feel like he's more your type than mine.
19:43That makes sense.
19:44That makes sense.
19:45He dragged them slowly up her leg and under her skirt.
19:49The wet sap of the leaf joining Cecily's ecstasy.
19:52He's getting a bit hot here, isn't he? Look at him.
19:54Oh, we're not going to see an erection, are we?
19:55Oh my God, can you imagine?
19:56With Freddie busy poolside, his love interest Lizzie
20:00bumped into the rest of Freddie's family at the studio.
20:04No Freddie with you tonight?
20:06No, he's not as much into the bar as I am.
20:08So Mouse is his wife, I love her.
20:11Okay.
20:11That's who I want to be like.
20:13He's absolutely cuckoo about the new swimming pool.
20:16Honestly, I can't tear him away.
20:19Well, she's just clocked at his home on his own.
20:21It's not the pool he's interested in.
20:22Not the pool, it's her book, mate.
20:25Oh!
20:26Lizzie.
20:28Oh, Lizzie!
20:29She didn't waste any time, did she?
20:31Straight round there?
20:32Like a pigeon on her chip.
20:36Here we go.
20:37Get your mind!
20:38Oh, look, she knows what she's done.
20:40I shouldn't have, I shouldn't have.
20:41I'm already vibrating.
20:45You're bloody brilliant.
20:48Are they not going to start shagging?
20:50I've got to watch this next to you, are they?
20:53Oh!
20:54Oh, no.
20:57Get in there, boy.
20:58Mum!
20:59Imagine Danny Dyer bearing down on you.
21:02Oh, I couldn't bear that one.
21:03You couldn't do that on an empty stomach?
21:04No.
21:07Oh!
21:08Woo!
21:10Oh, I say.
21:11What is that, mate?
21:12Why am I trying to watch that whilst I'm eating my pizza?
21:16It's got an airy crack.
21:18Wow.
21:19What?
21:19Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
21:21We don't want to see that.
21:26Are they going to do it in the pool?
21:27No, they're just jumping in.
21:28They're having a fun to swim.
21:30Oh, look at that.
21:31Isn't that great?
21:34Have you ever had sex in a swimming pool, Nigel?
21:37Yes, I think I probably have.
21:38Who was that with?
21:39I'm not going to tell you.
21:40Liza Minnelli.
21:43Of course.
21:45The Duchess of York.
21:47Duchess.
21:48I've got all evening.
21:50I can go through all the celebrities I can think of.
21:53Would you like one of these little biscuits right now?
21:55Shut up.
21:55Just stop talking.
22:00Oh!
22:01Oh!
22:02Breasts!
22:03Go on!
22:04I bet Danny Dyer's all right in the sack, right?
22:08Jesus Christ.
22:09Well, he must know his way around the bedroom, right?
22:11Right, all right.
22:12The light over there, that's quite nice.
22:13This remote has one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
22:18Is that a new plant or has that just always been there, no?
22:20So there's about 30 buttons on this.
22:22Yeah, 30 buttons, yeah.
22:23That's quite a good one up there.
22:24That's nice, yeah.
22:25Oh!
22:25Do you want to be?
22:27Oh!
22:27That's quite...
22:28Yeah.
22:29Oh, my God.
22:31Two, oh.
22:33Do you want to be?
22:34Oh, my God.
22:36Oh, my God.
22:36Oh, my God.
22:37You wouldn't hold your breath for that.
22:39Oh!
22:40You can.
22:41You can hold your breath for two, three minutes.
22:43That's mega.
22:44That is mega.
22:45He needs to be an Olympic diver if he can dive like that.
22:48I was surprised he might drown.
22:50What a wonderful way to dive.
22:55Oh, it's a corny one, but we like it.
22:58Danny.
22:58He can do no wrong.
23:03Dad!
23:04Oh, fuck off!
23:06Oh!
23:08Oh, no!
23:09Oh, no, no.
23:11That's not good luck, Dad, is it?
23:13I need to turn this off to us.
23:14Do I have fancy Danny and I are?
23:16I do.
23:17There's so much magical about him.
23:18I think I'd risk it all for him as well.
23:23It's going to take some time to get rid of that image of Danny Dyer's butt.
23:27I'd forgotten about the one who said that.
23:29It's back in my head now.
23:30It's just the way the two cheeks were just...
23:33They were just there.
23:34So close.
23:35Imagine the person getting that shot, by the way.
23:37Just there.
23:38Imagine the person getting that shot.
23:39It was like that.
23:41Yeah.
23:42It's just...
23:42It's right...
23:43Yeah.
23:47In South London...
23:49Which one of my tattoos is your favourite?
23:51I don't like any of them.
23:52And there was me being so bold by getting the Till Death Do Us Part tattoo.
23:56The wedding one?
23:57Oh, dear.
23:58Olivia and her mum, Jennifer.
24:00I didn't think my first marriage would be amazing, but I didn't think it would be that bad.
24:05Right.
24:06So I, you know, I went out there with the Till Death Do Us Part.
24:09What do you mean by first wedding?
24:11I've decided now that I'm going to get married a few times.
24:15Or engaged.
24:16Because I like the ring.
24:18Yeah.
24:19Yeah.
24:19Engagements are good.
24:20So I like to collect...
24:21It's like Elizabeth Taylor.
24:22Right.
24:23In this economy, I don't think it's a bad side project.
24:26On Sunday night, pet pooches were sent back to school again on Channel 5.
24:31Well, I've got my dog.
24:33Of course, you've never had a pet, have you?
24:35I had a hamster, but it killed itself.
24:36Oh, God!
24:37Whenever they're being naughty in the park, I always call,
24:40Oh, I'm so sorry, they're rescues!
24:42Like, I got them the week...
24:43No, that's not an excuse.
24:45Both of my dogs are rescues.
24:47We cannot just say, Oh, they've had a tough life.
24:49You got them when they were about five, but they were fine.
24:51Oh, no!
24:51They were fine.
24:52You've ruined them?
24:53Oh, no!
24:56Dogs behaving very badly.
24:58Yeah!
25:00The naughtiest of naughty.
25:01It seems like they're trying to put a little bit of a sexy spin on it.
25:04Yeah, I get it, actually.
25:07Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
25:07You know what I mean?
25:08It's like, all right, easy.
25:09At the end, she'll have a little dog like...
25:12Very badly.
25:14Oh!
25:15Four-year-old Doberman Troy...
25:17Let's go!
25:18...goes bonkers for brushes.
25:20Because he's got the bristles, I can't get them off him.
25:22When I'm trying to mop the floor, my little Remy, she grabs hold of the mop and she does this.
25:27My drug dealer used to have Dobermans.
25:29She had two sleeping in the hallway in case she made a run for it.
25:34Let go, Troy!
25:36Let go!
25:37You need a brush to do all the stables, you need a brush to sweep the yard.
25:41Has she tried not having them in...
25:43In the stable?
25:43In that stable.
25:44Morning!
25:45Morning, Graham!
25:47Morning!
25:48Um, right.
25:49I see your problem.
25:51I see your problem.
25:52Yeah, it's so obvious.
25:53Have you ever tried not having the dog when you're sweeping?
25:57HE LAUGHS
25:58He won't let go.
25:59No, he won't, will he?
26:00He's good at his job, isn't he?
26:02He's like, he won't let go.
26:03All right, well, I'll see you tomorrow, yeah.
26:05Day one.
26:06Day one sick.
26:07Well, it's bad here, but it's worse at home.
26:09Really?
26:10Yes.
26:10I've got Dwayne to contend with.
26:12Who's Dwayne?
26:13Who's Dwayne?
26:15Dwayne, an African grey parrot, who's a very naughty boy.
26:20I do like parrots.
26:20I love parrots.
26:21I'd love a parrot.
26:22Yeah, me too.
26:22Judy Dench has got a parrot.
26:24Has she?
26:24My auntie Annie had a parrot, and every time the boss went past,
26:29the parrot went, fucking boss!
26:31There, there, yeah.
26:32He's very clever.
26:33Oh, is he?
26:34He makes a lot of mess.
26:35African greys are notorious.
26:37They're the worst behaved parrots.
26:39Really?
26:39Yeah.
26:41No!
26:42No!
26:43Oh, blimey.
26:44Right.
26:45Dwayne's making a mess everywhere, so that's why she's got so many brooms.
26:48Can't keep up with it.
26:50Look, Dwayne's quite happy at the showdown.
26:53This is TV for him.
26:54Dwayne's loving it.
26:55That's entertainment for Dwayne, so I think Dwayne getting entertained by Troy
26:59is probably encouraging Troy to play more.
27:03Mm.
27:03So it's like a double-ended fist, isn't it?
27:06Yeah.
27:06I mean, chucking seeds out, because you know that she's then going to get a brush out,
27:11and you know what happens when a brush comes out, and he just sits back and just watches
27:14the entertainment.
27:15Exactly, Graham.
27:16That's what we were saying.
27:18Look at him, Dwayne, you little devil.
27:20What a dude!
27:22Hey!
27:22That parrot can be part of our gang.
27:26It's broken.
27:28Beer and Bargains must love this woman.
27:30She must be down there about flipping five times a day.
27:34This is just another broom gone.
27:35The plan is to use a new game with new rules.
27:39What's the game?
27:40The broom is lava.
27:42If you touch the broom, you're out, all right?
27:44If he doesn't react, or he looks and goes, nah, all of those things would be a reason to say
27:49good boy.
27:50If he makes the wrong decision, we're going to say, game over.
27:54Oh, not game over.
27:55I find it so funny that the only thing wrong with this dog is it just fucking hates brooms.
28:01So let's just see what happens if I...
28:03Good boy.
28:04Go on, try. Good boy.
28:06Yeah, come on.
28:07Oh, yeah, he wants it. Oh, yeah.
28:12Game over!
28:13Game over.
28:13Oh, well done.
28:15Oh, shit, okay.
28:16She's not messing.
28:17Good tone of voice.
28:20Oh, she's weaned him off the broomsies onto doors now.
28:23It's quite triggering for me to listen to that noise, because I did all this with Lola and Stitch.
28:28But now, Troy appears to prefer the new game.
28:32He's taking himself off to bed. Fine, all right, okay. I'll crack on and do a bit.
28:38Look at that. Look at that.
28:40This guy's a genius.
28:42Honestly, Johnny's amazing.
28:44Don't go bananas.
28:45Now Mum's doing it.
28:47He's not looking at the brush, he's barking his head off and looking at Mum.
28:52Oh, she's the problem.
28:53I reckon he thinks it's a threat.
28:55It's a threat.
28:56Let's see.
28:57So Graham wants to flip the focus.
28:59If he behaves, he can stay near Mum.
29:02Oh, look. He loves her.
29:04That's how I like my dogs to be obsessed with me.
29:08Good boy.
29:09That's a tiny bit of a brush.
29:11Yeah.
29:11That's a bit of progress.
29:14And pause.
29:15Good boy.
29:16Well, you know what?
29:17Brushing one-handed.
29:18Yeah, yeah.
29:18Difficult to brush one-handed.
29:20No, I brush one-handed all the same, eh?
29:23So all she's got to do is not move from that position.
29:25Mm-hm.
29:26And have a Doberman attached to her at two touch points for the rest of her life.
29:31Troy is learning that staying calm.
29:33Oh, lovely.
29:34That's good.
29:35Keeps him close to Mum.
29:36Good boy.
29:37Can't help but notice, though, the brushing has been heavily affected because of that.
29:42Yeah, yeah.
29:42It's much harder to sort of dual-wield everything going on.
29:46I hated that, by the way.
29:49Mission accomplished.
29:49Nailed it.
29:51Brilliant.
29:51Fantastic.
29:52Good boy.
29:54What?
29:54Has he just solved it?
29:55You love your mum, don't you?
29:57Oh, yeah.
29:59Do you have the detachment issues from her?
30:02Not when she's sweeping.
30:04Charlie jumped up to say hello to me yesterday and she, you know...
30:08Oh, no, you've got...
30:10Yeah.
30:11Just a claw wick, like that.
30:12Don't you say hello?
30:13Yeah.
30:14You've got a dry skin, Nigel.
30:16Because I've been lying in the sun.
30:18Yeah, well, there's this thing called moisturiser.
30:21Oh, yes.
30:21Doesn't mean you're a homosexual.
30:23But you put it on...
30:24Okay.
30:24...and your skin improves.
30:26It's a bit dry, isn't it?
30:30You can get a good coffee and a cake.
30:32Do you know what I mean?
30:33Yeah.
30:33That's the only reason I ever go for walks, really.
30:35Best mates Jordan and Perry.
30:38People like to go for walks, to go for a walk.
30:41Take in nature, maybe get my steps up.
30:43Not for me.
30:44I go with the idea of knowing, at some point,
30:47we're stopping for a coffee and a cake.
30:50Where are your walks?
30:51Normally, normally shopping centres.
30:53Yeah, I was going to say.
30:55I think you're going to the wrong spots.
30:58You've been to that beautiful park.
30:59I prefer walking around H&M and then just get a coffee.
31:01You're talking about Costa as well, you know what I mean?
31:04It's not even...
31:05You're nowhere near the wilderness.
31:07On Saturday night, top-tier talent took to the stage
31:11for the grand finale on ITV.
31:14You know what?
31:14I do love rubbish telly, do you?
31:16Yeah.
31:17Yeah.
31:17Imagine life without telly like this.
31:19Yeah.
31:22Oh, my God.
31:24It's the final.
31:25If I went on Britain's Got Talent...
31:26What would you do?
31:26I would...
31:27I can get my legs behind my head.
31:29Both my legs behind my head.
31:30So, you think that's impressive at 52?
31:32Would you check?
31:32It's impressive at any age.
31:34What would I do?
31:36You'd do a Cher impression?
31:37I'd do impressions.
31:39And you would...
31:39And you would...
31:44It's verging on Sandy Toxvig.
31:47In the live episode, Ant and Dec prepared us for the opening act.
31:52OK.
31:53I think you're ready.
31:54I think you're ready.
31:55Her act is very, very dangerous.
31:57So, please don't try this at home.
32:00OK.
32:00Please do not try this at home.
32:01OK.
32:02Oh, OK.
32:02This is going to be horrible.
32:04Shall we try it?
32:05Yeah.
32:05Well, we're definitely...
32:07Not to try it at home.
32:08Oh, let's all try it.
32:10We're going to have to try it.
32:11Shall we try it?
32:12Yeah, shall we try it?
32:18Oh, she's one of those.
32:20Oh, no.
32:21It honestly makes you so nervous when there's fire.
32:27Oh, that looks quite good.
32:29That does look amazing.
32:31Oh, go on.
32:31Oh, yes.
32:32Cartwheels while on fire.
32:34Yeah.
32:36More fire.
32:37More fire.
32:38I love fire.
32:41You sound like a payroll maniac.
32:48She set the duvet a light.
32:53There she goes.
32:54That looks pretty good, actually.
32:57Oh, is that an illusion?
32:58Or is it...?
32:59No, no, that's surreal.
33:00Is she really doing that, is she?
33:05No!
33:05On the shoulders.
33:07Do you think they've had a lot of practice?
33:08I'd like to think so.
33:10Yeah, I hope so.
33:13I only started doing this today.
33:23Oh, here we go.
33:25This looks exciting.
33:29Oh, no, what's she doing?
33:31Oh, no.
33:31Let me guess.
33:32Is it going to be on fire?
33:33Oh, they're going to do the spinny thing.
33:35You know, when they light up and it spins.
33:36That's all it is, Denise, is spinny things.
33:43Oh, I know, she's going to do it with her feet.
33:45Wow.
33:46There's just no need, is there?
33:47Oh, for fuck's sake.
33:49Oh, no, no.
33:54Oh, you can't take your eyes off it.
34:00She's got one leg now, one leg.
34:02I think if I saw that, I'd be more impressed than seeing it on telly.
34:05Yeah.
34:06I couldn't get away.
34:09Is that it?
34:10I mean, is that it?
34:15The end.
34:16Kiss.
34:16Weird.
34:17That was a weird ending.
34:18A weird ending to a weird show.
34:20You like going to circuses?
34:22Yeah, look.
34:23I did it.
34:24Yeah, yeah.
34:25Do you?
34:27Yeah, I mean, you know.
34:28What, do you run away to the circus?
34:30Well, Joe's old, Joe's dad did.
34:33Did he run away to the circus?
34:36Of course he did.
34:37Of course he did.
34:38That did it.
34:38Yeah, the circus.
34:38You know, back in the 50s, 60s, whatever.
34:41Yeah, no, that's...
34:42He fucked off with a circus.
34:44Yeah, man.
34:46In London...
34:47Sometimes in my iron shirts I do a couple of buttons up and you put the shirt on and then
34:52you forget to do the rest of the buttons up.
34:55Jennifer and her daughter Beattie.
34:57You just go out with her.
34:59I was walking around and I suddenly looked down and I had one button down and I thought, who have
35:07I seen? Who have, where have I been? And no one has said, we can see your bra and your
35:14stomach.
35:16On Friday, they were keeping things close to home on ITV News.
35:21Snacks.
35:23Is that supper?
35:25No.
35:25That's your starter.
35:26Do you know watermelon?
35:28Yeah.
35:29Put that...
35:31Squeeze it on?
35:31Squeeze it on and it's meant to, like, enhance the flavour of the watermelon.
35:35Does me naughty.
35:36You know, I so cannot leave the news alone with what's going on at the moment.
35:40Well, it's just brainwashing, innit?
35:43Well...
35:43Because you believe what the news tells you.
35:44It's lunatic, innit?
35:45That's in charge of America.
35:46You end up doing what the news tells you to do.
35:50Well...
35:51Which is a bit weird for me.
35:52This is the ITV Evening News with Lucrezia Millerini.
35:57Lucrezia Millerini?
35:58What's that?
35:59Mmm.
36:00Wow.
36:01Who invented this idea?
36:02Mmm.
36:03Now, if you're planning to spend your holidays in the UK this summer, you are not alone.
36:08The travel trade says there's set to be a staycation boom.
36:11I used to always go to my nan's caravan in Clacton and I loved it.
36:15I think there's a lot to be said for going on holiday at home.
36:17I don't know.
36:18When I think about favourite UK holiday destinations, it's got to just be...
36:22I just like London.
36:24There's lots to do in London.
36:25You live in London?
36:26I live in London.
36:27It doesn't count as a holiday.
36:28You live there.
36:28But I'm still yet to actually discover London.
36:31You can't just stay where you are and call it a holiday.
36:33With holidaymakers keen to avoid airport delays or disruption caused by the war against Iran.
36:38Well, and also all those queues at the ferry terminals at the airports.
36:42Because they've got to identify themselves with their passwords because of Brexit.
36:46Twice.
36:46Which leads me to my point that I think if you voted Brexit, you should be in that queue.
36:52And if you didn't vote for Brexit, then you should be straight through and go in the quick one.
36:57Our consumer editor Chris Choi reports from Bognor Regis.
37:00Bognor is lovely.
37:01You used to do Bognor as a kid in a caravan park.
37:04Did you?
37:04For my holidays.
37:05Where is it Wales, Bognor Regis?
37:07I'm not sure where Bognor Regis is, you know.
37:09I've heard of it.
37:09I don't think I've ever been there.
37:11Have you been there?
37:12I don't know.
37:13I don't know.
37:13You know if you've been Bognor.
37:15You know what?
37:16We can Google.
37:17Google it, then.
37:18I've not got my Google.
37:20Rising popularity can mean rising prices, too.
37:24Oh.
37:24Are they jacking the prices up in Bognor?
37:26They're jacking the prices up in Bognor?
37:28Oh, don't.
37:29A 20% year-on-year increase in average daily rates for short-term rentals last month in Cornwall.
37:36Can I tell you what it's good for?
37:38It's good for the bloody country, mate.
37:40Yeah, yeah.
37:40You know what I mean?
37:42We're spending our money at home.
37:44Yeah, mate.
37:45Yeah.
37:46It's around 12% in the Scottish Highlands and 9% in West Wales.
37:51Looks like we're going to Wales.
37:529%.
37:53We're all heading to West Wales.
37:54Scotland I back because I love me some Highlands with the dogs.
37:57Yeah.
37:58There's a holiday question faced by millions this summer.
38:01Should I stay or should I go?
38:03You know what?
38:04Can I say I live in an holiday destiny.
38:07I like I'm on permanent holiday.
38:09Yeah.
38:10Well.
38:11Imagine that.
38:12Yeah.
38:12On permanent holiday.
38:13I think you've been on a permanent holiday for at least the last 40 years.
38:19A mass.
38:20It's a mass.
38:21Right.
38:22I get it now.
38:23I get the concept of it.
38:25But it is like, er, shaped like a, er, an orangish.
38:28Oh, but you know what I realise?
38:29Go on.
38:29I can see behind me.
38:31Sean and Bess.
38:33So if you're a spy and you're walking down the road.
38:36I spy with one eye.
38:37Yeah, I know.
38:37You can see if anyone's following you.
38:39Let me look.
38:40Let me try.
38:40Let me see.
38:41Let me see.
38:42That is.
38:43Now I've got that.
38:45It changes the whole thing.
38:47There I go.
38:47Shut one eye.
38:48I've got one eye shut.
38:50I'm looking to see the thing.
38:52I can't see anything.
38:53Haven't you seen my other eye?
38:55No, I can't, er, I can't see behind me.
38:59Yeah, you haven't got the movement.
39:00Hang on.
39:00I have.
39:01Oh, yeah, you know what?
39:02I can see me hand behind me.
39:04Yeah, yeah, you might not even know you're looking behind you because...
39:07That's a point.
39:08It's like looking forward, but backwards.
39:11This week, it was the latest instalment of this horror film franchise that had us scared stiff.
39:18Oh, I like a bit of a horror film.
39:19Oh, I'm behind the sofa.
39:20Are you?
39:21That's what we're watching.
39:22What's that?
39:23Scream 7!
39:39Oh, here we go.
39:41The standard opening.
39:43Car down a misty lane.
39:46Already I'm going and things are going to be awful.
39:48Oh, really?
39:49Are you quivering already, Nigel?
39:51Holy shit.
39:53That was a long drive.
39:57Oh, that's the house from the old Scream?
40:00Okay, that's the serial killer for the first movie.
40:03It's his house.
40:08Oh, it's an Airbnb.
40:09They can rent it out.
40:11It's an Airbnb.
40:12Oh, my God.
40:13Stop it.
40:14A real-life murder house.
40:16It's perfect.
40:17For what?
40:18What's it perfect for?
40:19What's it perfect for, you weirdo? Get a life.
40:21I stay in a murder house nearly every day.
40:23I've stayed in a murder house, haven't we now?
40:24Yeah, yeah.
40:25You live in a murder house.
40:28Fucking murder it is.
40:30Shake it out, shake it out.
40:33I feel like I'm going to pee my pants.
40:36Oh, you sick bastard.
40:38I don't know if I'd like it if my boyfriend was, like, gassed
40:41to be at a place where people have been murdered.
40:43Look, people got killed here, darling.
40:45What a great night.
40:45I know.
40:46Red flag.
40:46What the fuck is wrong with you?
40:48Red flag.
40:49Just take out of a Toby Carvery and fucking calm down.
40:52Yeah.
40:56Scott?
40:57Oh, here we go.
40:58I'm holding on to you.
41:00Is that all right?
41:01Yeah.
41:05Scott!
41:06Oh, no.
41:07Where's Scott gone?
41:09Scott's gone missing already.
41:11Oh.
41:16Ah!
41:17Clayson, a cardigan!
41:18Ah!
41:24What did you shout out?
41:26Cardigan?
41:28Christ in a cardigan.
41:30Christ in a cardigan.
41:34Oh!
41:35Oh, it's okay.
41:36I thought it was him.
41:37Christ, I thought it was him.
41:38I thought it was him.
41:39So if he's there, then, who the bloody hell was that?
41:41I feel sick.
41:41There's somebody in that room with a ghost face mask on.
41:46Do not go in there.
41:47Scott.
41:47What?
41:48He's going to get it now.
41:49He's going to go and do the manly thing.
41:52Yeah.
41:52And investigate.
41:53And then he'll get stabbed?
41:54Yeah.
41:55I do hope so.
41:59Oh!
42:00Oh!
42:00Oh, he was fake?
42:03Oh!
42:04She's cause of our old scene over nothing.
42:06Why would you take anyone to this horrible house?
42:10It's not fake.
42:13It's not fake.
42:14Oh, here we go.
42:15Oh, don't answer the phone.
42:16That's the thing here.
42:17The phone rings.
42:19Yeah.
42:20Hello?
42:20You're going to die tonight.
42:23Oh!
42:24That's the murderer?
42:25Is it?
42:26Yeah.
42:26You like scary movies.
42:28You're going to die tonight.
42:30Listen, you little bitch.
42:32I'm going to slice you open and rip your guts out.
42:35Did you just call me a bitch?
42:37She's upset about being called a bitch.
42:38I'd maybe be more upset about the death threat.
42:41You'd freak out, wouldn't you?
42:42If I got a voice change and I was calling you all the time like that.
42:44Especially if you went high, you little bitch.
42:47Yeah.
42:48Probably.
42:49I love how we do it.
42:52Scott?
42:55They never make it in time.
42:57Oh, my God.
42:57I feel sick, George.
42:59Oh, I don't like it.
43:01Where's Scott?
43:09Oh, my God.
43:11It's in the shadows.
43:12Can you see the face?
43:14Can you see it?
43:14Yeah.
43:20Scott!
43:27Oh, no.
43:27Oh, no.
43:28Oh, no.
43:29I don't like it.
43:32Stop!
43:35Oh, no.
43:37Oh, she just smashed me.
43:39That was a clean right hook.
43:42It's me.
43:44What the fuck?
43:45Oh, Christ.
43:46You idiot.
43:47What a fucking dick.
43:49Why does he do that?
43:50He deserves to be killed immediately.
43:54It moved.
43:56Yeah, it's electric.
43:57That's what it does.
43:58Oh, I still don't.
43:58it's just not right is it something you know something's happening here no i get moved
44:05differently oh no oh no oh no then why are you going up to it you moron what
44:18oh my god no no absolutely not absolutely not it's just got knifed in the temple there
44:26did i miss that don't look don't look don't look i reckon what do you reckon scott's dead yeah
44:37oh no no no no no no go on go upstairs
44:45come on girl oh good girl she's she is flesty dog
44:57oh that was sick okay oh my god cirque de soleil
45:03oh no
45:08no oh jesus did she fall onto the knife yes she did oh my god johnny it's not good news
45:18oh he's setting the place on fire how kind she's gonna set fire to the house now you're a bastard
45:31christ that's how the film begins that's just the beginning well i'm exhausted is that just making
45:38that i'm emotionally drained i might have to go lighter have a chocolate yes this will pack you
45:44up take your mind off it oh my god