- 10 hours ago
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TVTranscript
00:00I opened the cafe with my friend Boo.
00:04Yeah, she's dead now.
00:06My sister.
00:06I have two degrees, a husband and a Burberry coat.
00:13I know what you were doing.
00:14I was watching the news.
00:16Heard from Dad?
00:17No.
00:19All right, Dad.
00:20Dad's way of coping with two motherless daughters
00:22was to buy us tickets to feminist lectures,
00:24start fucking our godmother and eventually stop calling.
00:26It's very valuable, actually.
00:28How much?
00:29Thousands.
00:30Can I have it?
00:32No.
00:33Please don't contact me.
00:35We'll turn off my house drunk in your underwear.
00:37It won't work this time.
00:38It will.
00:40Come on, M.O.O.O.O.O.O.O.O.O.O.,
01:35I think my period's coming.
01:43Hello, Kay.
01:46Hi.
01:46Are you all right?
01:47What's happened?
01:48Are you hurt?
01:49No.
01:50Oh, good.
01:52Nice haircut.
01:54It's better.
01:58Can I come in?
01:59Why didn't you text?
02:01I just thought I'd pop by.
02:02Tell the truth.
02:03I need to speak to Martin.
02:05Martin?
02:05Martin.
02:06Martin.
02:07Why on earth would you want to speak to Martin?
02:08Hello, hello.
02:10My wife in my study.
02:12Hello.
02:12Give me two.
02:14Gangbangs.
02:14Asian.
02:15I'd put a tenner on it.
02:17Finished.
02:19Well, hello, you.
02:22Can I just talk to you about something?
02:24Oh, well, it must be my lucky day.
02:26You said she only likes to talk to people she fancies.
02:30Ugh.
02:31Can you leave us?
02:32Why?
02:33He's organizing your surprise birthday party.
02:40You know, I hate some...
02:42Okay.
02:45I have a week to organize that now.
02:48Best of luck.
02:49Nice top.
02:50Ugh.
02:51Thanks.
02:51Do you deal in sculptures as well as paintings and papier-mâché?
02:55Depends on the quality of the piece.
03:02Fuck me.
03:05What a pair.
03:06I know, right?
03:09Where'd you get this?
03:10Oh, just a...
03:12stole it from a market.
03:14Oh, it's quite a piece.
03:16Who's the artist?
03:18Just a...
03:20market artist.
03:21Huh.
03:23If I sell it, I take ten percent.
03:25Deal?
03:26Deal.
03:27Okay.
03:28Well, I'll get her photograph now.
03:30Don't tell Claire.
03:32Please.
03:33Or what?
03:34Or I'll...
03:35Well...
03:36You got nothing on me, princess.
03:40Or I'll tell her you were watching Gangbangs.
03:44Please don't do that again.
03:49I wasn't, by the way.
04:05Ugh.
04:11Disappointing.
04:13Um...
04:13Where did you get that?
04:16Or brought it with me?
04:16No, you didn't.
04:18Give it back.
04:19Tight.
04:21Catching's up with Harry?
04:22Yeah, we're, um...
04:24We're engaged.
04:25God, what?
04:27No, we're not engaged.
04:29No, he's back at the flat,
04:30packing up all his stuff again.
04:32Oh.
04:32I'm sorry.
04:34He really...
04:35used to make you laugh.
04:37He also used to say things like...
04:40You don't like other girls.
04:41You can...
04:43keep up.
04:45I like Harry.
04:47I liked his songs.
04:59I admire how much Harry commits to our break-ups.
05:06I mean, this is a new detail.
05:08He does usually go the extra mile.
05:10A few times, he's even cleaned the whole flat.
05:15Oh, God.
05:16Oh, God.
05:18Like it's a crime scene.
05:20I've considered timing a break-up for when the flat needs a bit of a going over.
05:30I don't think this is working.
05:35What?
05:37But he always leaves...
05:46Him.
05:47To come back for.
05:48Got to think about all the people I can have sex with now.
05:53I'm not obsessed with sex.
05:56I just can't stop thinking about it.
05:58The performance of it.
06:00The awkwardness of it.
06:02The drama of it.
06:04The moment you realise someone wants...
06:08Your body.
06:11Not so much the feeling of it.
06:15Probably got about 48 hours before Harry comes back.
06:20I should get on it.
06:23I took half an hour trying to look nice.
06:25And I ended up looking amazing.
06:28Just one of those days.
06:30Gorgeous.
06:30Fresh-faced.
06:31New top.
06:31Little bit sexy.
06:32On my way to open my cafe.
06:35And...
06:35Oh, God.
06:37Yeah.
06:37You check me out, chub-chub.
06:39Because it's never going to happen.
06:41Oh, God.
06:42He can't believe how attractive I am.
06:44Kind of worried I'm going to make a sex offender out of the poor guy.
06:46Here we go.
06:47This better be good.
06:48Here we go.
06:49Roka shine.
06:51Oi!
07:08Oh...
07:08I've dropped my cucumber.
07:15Just drop my...
07:22Um, could I get a cheese sandwich to go, please?
07:25Sure.
07:29That'll be, um...
07:31Uh, £12.55, please.
07:35London.
07:36Hey.
07:37Thanks.
07:43Where do I recognise her?
07:45Is she famous?
07:51Boo's death hit the papers.
07:53Local cafe girl gets hit by a bike and a car and another bike.
07:57And, uh, she, uh...
07:58She used to work here.
07:59Oh.
08:03I'm sorry, I don't have any change.
08:13The next man who walks in here is getting ridden to death.
08:19Dad!
08:20Hi.
08:21Not ideal.
08:22Um, how are you, darling?
08:28Um...
08:28You busy?
08:30A bit.
08:31Well, I won't keep you, uh...
08:33I just wanted to talk about, uh...
08:36When you...
08:37When you dropped in the other night.
08:39Okay.
08:40I can't help thinking that, uh...
08:43We, uh...
08:44Yeah?
08:44I know that we, uh...
08:47Don't have much of a chance to, uh...
08:51Did you take the sculpture?
08:52Did you, um...
08:55Take the sculpture?
08:56Did you take it?
09:01No?
09:02What sculpture?
09:03Oh, right.
09:04Right.
09:05Good.
09:06But you said no, and, uh...
09:09That means I can go.
09:11All right.
09:12Great.
09:14Oh, yeah.
09:16Are you happy?
09:17Are you healthy?
09:18Mm.
09:23Hey, do you do, like, hot, organic-y food?
09:26Of course.
09:28Mmm...
09:29What would you like?
09:30Um...
09:31Like, risotto?
09:32Yeah.
09:32Sure.
09:33Grab a seat.
09:34And I was the only one that...
09:35Yeah, I was the only one that...
09:36I saw...
09:54Hey.
09:54hey hi hey hey it's nice to see you you too
10:03fuck me up the ass what are you getting oh just these for my tiny bleeding
10:11vagina what you stop cubes hot hope it's a light flow oh it never is it never is
10:26listen uh you own later uh yes fucking yes please yes yes
10:43yes i'm so happy with my body now look i don't have to define myself by how i look because
10:50i've
10:50just got a fucking great body yeah yeah i can do other stuff now that's so great mike wants to
10:56start trying for a baby okay no i can't play this body on a baby's death i'm gonna have to
11:02leave him
11:07oh shit oh that is not hygienic sorry oh rose we're leaving now i suppose you should meet henry
11:17two years ago i okay the most important thing is if you don't like it we can't take it back
11:23okay okay
11:25happy birthday i'm sorry i panicked as long as i can wear it or eat it i'm happy
11:29you could do both of those things oh my god did you get me what is this i what the
11:37what is i don't know
11:55i don't feel anything about guinea pigs they're pointless but boo took hillary very seriously as a gift and soon
12:01everything became guinea pig related
12:07this is an excellent one
12:13drink
12:19look i'm uh sorry about the mess
12:21no problem
12:22do you want some prosciutto with that
12:23mmm
12:26mmm
12:27mmm
12:28mmm
12:29mmm
12:29mmm
12:29mmm
12:30mmm
12:30mmm
12:30mmm
12:32oh
12:33it's so reliable
12:35utterly inaccessible relentlessly profound
12:38all he wants is to get you in the bath and ask questions like
12:41what are you afraid of
12:43and you find yourself saying things like
12:46i guess losing the currency of youth
12:54ask me a question
12:57when did you realize you were so good looking
13:02i knew i was different when i was about nine
13:04but shit got real around eleven
13:07shit got real
13:08you know
13:10aunts got weird
13:14i have another question
13:16okay
13:18do you ever feel lonely
13:22yeah
13:24of course
13:25do you
13:28never
13:33do you want some pineapple
13:38yeah
13:47god
13:47yeah
13:49oh
13:49oh they're so small
13:51they are so small
13:53what
13:54they're so small
13:57so
13:57small
13:58god they are so
14:00fucking tiny
14:01uh yeah i guess they're
14:02oh god they're hardly even there i mean
14:04where the fuck even are they
14:07a bit much
14:08oh
14:08excuse me
14:12oh
14:12oh
14:14oh
14:15oh yeah
14:16oh
14:17i'm having a harry panic
14:18oh
14:19madame ovary's telling me to run back to safe place
14:21i can make baby in safe place
14:22but
14:23i gotta ride it out
14:24oh
14:26mustn't
14:26call
14:27harry
14:34thanks for coming
14:36that's okay
14:37that's okay
14:38uh you okay
14:39your message sounded urgent
14:44were you busy
14:45no i was in the interval
14:47oh cool
14:47of cats
14:48okay
14:48the musical
14:50was it good
14:51oh really good actually
14:52really good
14:54sorry for interrupting
14:55no
14:56that's okay
14:57i uh
14:57i got the feeling it wasn't gonna
14:59end well for the cats
15:00so i mean
15:01probably good to remember them like that
15:03before they all
15:05sorry
15:06um
15:06are you okay
15:09who are you with
15:10a work friend
15:13a girl
15:20i um
15:25i found this
15:33thanks
15:35i didn't realize i'd left it
15:43why is your hair wet
15:47don't look at me like that
15:48i was
15:49like what
15:50look i don't want to sound cold
15:52or cruel or
15:53you know i don't want you to think i'm just off happy at the theatre all the time either
15:56i'm not
15:57but
15:59i'm not going to i just
16:01if this
16:01if this is about us getting back together
16:02i was serious
16:03this time i'm not just going to come running back i really just need some time away from
16:10i'm so glad you called
16:12i'm so glad you picked up
16:15i missed you
16:19i missed you
16:22oh my gosh you feel good
16:25i wish he'd just fuck me
16:28all he wants to do is make love
16:29are you okay
16:30yeah i'm pretty good
16:32i'm amazing
16:34he's wasting me
16:36i was once fucking this guy
16:38who would breathe on every thrust
16:40you're so young
16:41you're so young
16:43i masturbate about that all the time
16:45i masturbate a lot these days
16:48especially when i'm bored
16:51or angry
16:53or upset
16:55can we just
16:55or happy
16:57or
16:58yeah
16:58oh
16:59yeah
17:02oh
17:02amazing
17:04yeah
17:05shall i
17:05no could you just
17:06no no no
17:08just stay there
17:08ah
17:09just don't
17:10yeah no no just
17:15ah
17:16ah
17:18yes
17:18yes
17:18just
17:19us
17:20ah
17:21ah
17:24ah
17:26ah
17:28ah
17:29ah
17:31ah
17:31ah
17:32ah
17:34ah
17:34ah
17:34ah
17:34ah
17:45I think we should stop masturbating.
17:51You know, don't say anything yet. I just...
17:54I just think it might help us focus on each other, you know,
17:57being more present.
17:59Really successful couples do it, you know.
18:04Um...
18:04I've hidden our vibrators.
18:06Our?
18:07I thought it might be fun.
18:08To find them?
18:09No, just to try and not touch ourselves.
18:14To try and save our touches for each other.
18:18I mean, what do you think?
18:20I think you're being really sexy.
18:22Don't!
18:23Oh, I'm joking.
18:25I never masturbate.
18:27I don't know how.
18:32Yeah, also, I thought we should try and surprise each other once every day.
18:36Just a, you know, sweet little something just to keep it, you know...
18:40Are you getting this out of a book?
18:41Frank, I've already planned your first surprise, so...
18:45Don't eat too much before dinner.
18:53I'll see you later.
18:55And I will see you later too.
18:59Hmm.
19:08Oh!
19:10Hi!
19:11Just thought I'd pop by for some lunch.
19:14Bit weird.
19:15Good.
19:15Yes.
19:17Well...
19:20How are you?
19:21Uh, quiet day?
19:23Uh, yeah, I'm fine.
19:25You okay?
19:25You look stressed.
19:26Well, I'm successful, so...
19:30Do you have rye bread?
19:31Uh, no, but I have some normal bread you can puke up after.
19:35Great.
19:37What do you want on it?
19:38Oh, just tomatoes is fine.
19:41Just tomatoes?
19:42Just a tomato sandwich?
19:44Yes.
19:45No problem.
19:47Nope.
19:49Listen, I don't want to know anything about this surprise party,
19:52but if you could just, um, have it in mind this Friday at 7.30,
19:56that'd be great.
19:57I mean, I can organise it and act surprised,
20:00but if you could just, um...
20:02Do you know what?
20:03Why don't I just do it?
20:04I can organise it, do the food, act surprised,
20:07and just take it off your hands.
20:09I mean, I can see that you're busy, so...
20:10Okay, if you want.
20:12Well, I don't want to, but...
20:13I think it'd be easier for everyone if I could just...
20:16Okay.
20:16I mean, I've done it.
20:17It's done.
20:19It's this Friday at 7.30 at mine.
20:22Great.
20:29How behind are you if it's money that you need?
20:31I don't need money.
20:34That'll be £25, please.
20:38London.
20:41Thanks.
20:45I can't believe that thing is still alive.
20:48Oh, um...
20:49Any news on Harry?
20:51Yeah, we're back together.
20:51Oh, God.
20:52I can't keep up.
21:00Hello?
21:04Harry?
21:10Oh...
21:11Shit.
21:12It's a mess, it's a mess, it's a mess.
22:07It's a mess, it's a mess, it's a mess.
22:12Why would you do that? I thought I was going to get raped!
22:15Baby, I'm sorry, I thought you wanted a surprise, it was a nymph of surprise.
22:18Oh my God, my heart. I'm shaking so much, oh my God.
22:24Oh my God, oh my God.
22:26Okay, is it okay? Are you okay?
22:28Oh my God.
22:31Did you have a good day?
22:32Yeah, I was fine, I'm so sorry.
22:35I'm sorry, I didn't think you were going to react like that.
22:38I'm sorry, it was a joke.
22:41It was a good joke.
22:45Jesus, I thought you'd be later.
22:49Oh my God!
22:51Oh God, sorry, I didn't think I was going to show myself.
22:58That was horrible.
23:00It was a surprise.
23:02I know, thank you. It's fine.
23:07Shall I go and get her some wine?
23:10Okay.
23:17I know what you look like!
23:19I know what you took!
23:20That is the last time!
23:24Splashed out on a special bottle for a special.
23:31Harry?
23:33I had to go into the history on my computer
23:35to find something I'd seen on the H&M website this morning,
23:39and I don't want to point fingers, but anal, gangbang, mature,
23:47big cock, small tits, hentai, Asian, teen, milf,
23:52big butts, lesbian, gay, facial, fetish,
23:56bukkake, young and old, swallow, rough, voyeur,
24:01and public.
24:08Why are you being so sexy?
24:11Don't let me hate you.
24:14Loving you is painful enough.
24:19Okay, sorry.
24:22But I really think you should write that down.
24:24I know it's not appropriate,
24:25but I really think you should write that down.
24:27It's really good for you.
24:27I'm going to write down.
24:28No, no, I'm serious for your songs and stuff.
24:30It's perfect.
24:31It's poetic, yet real.
24:33Serious.
24:45Don't make me...
24:47Hate you.
24:48Yeah, I know, thank you.
24:51Loving you is painful.
24:56What am I doing?
24:59You know, there's someone at work who loves me.
25:02Well, she told me she loves me,
25:03and I said we couldn't be together
25:05because I had to know.
25:08Do you want to be alone?
25:14You will never see me again.
25:17I'll always love you,
25:19but I just can't take it anymore.
25:21I don't hate you.
25:23I'm scared for you.
25:46I'm going to go pack my things up from the bedroom again,
25:49but I'm not going to clean.
25:53Still in pretty good shape.
25:57If I don't see you after that,
25:59goodbye.
26:11Forever.
26:18He'll be back.
26:29He'll be back.
26:32He'll be back.
26:34What the hell?