- 5 hours ago
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00:01What a pair.
00:03Where'd you get this?
00:04Can I have it?
00:05No.
00:07Did you take this sculpture?
00:09No.
00:10If I sell it, I take 10%, deal?
00:12How behind are you if it's money that you need?
00:16I don't need money.
00:18That'll be 25 pounds, please.
00:19I thought we should try and surprise each other once every day.
00:24He's organizing your surprise birthday party.
00:26You know, I hate...
00:32I suppose you should meet Henry.
00:34You will never see me again.
00:36I've got to think about all the people I can have sex with now.
00:38I should get on it.
01:03Jogging...
01:08I did a fart that was exactly like Mum's.
01:12A door-opening or suspicious dog?
01:14door opening means you're getting mum's bum God I'd be lucky my bottom dropped
01:20ages ago my farts used to be like now they're just sort of fighting their way
01:26out I haven't farted in about three years
01:34happy birthday you won't eat it thanks
01:44so it's a 7pm arrival tonight for a 7.30 surprise okay yeah I got your email it's really a
01:51business
01:51birthday thing it won't be much fun so just don't expect a party party I won't and
01:59maybe just wear trousers and don't drink too much there's this huge promotion in
02:04Finland so this party is quite a serious I mean it's basically a business meeting
02:09sounds like a blast can I bring a date Harry no who I don't know yet it's really
02:21inappropriate to jog around a graveyard why flaunting your life
02:32God I can't wait to be old there was any consolation you look older than you are
02:44sorry sorry hello Claire speaking mum died three years ago she had a double mastectomy but never
02:50really recovered it was particularly hard because she had amazing boobs she used to tell me I was
02:56lucky because mine would never get in the way my sister's got whoppers but she got all her mum's good
03:04bits what's Martin giving you oh cursory stroke would be nice what no bang bang he says he's still got
03:12that thing on his what on his come on you can do it I don't have to say no no
03:22please no penis thank
03:24you he says he still has that thing on his penis sorry Christ look at that man tragic now he's
03:40a con
03:41you can't call someone who is grieving a car shit grieving no one can you trust me he's in a
03:51different
03:51grave every day you can't get enough of it what you come here every day
04:06don't do a jumpy out he surprised thing and don't sing happy birthday I couldn't bear it
04:12hi man I'm actually looking forward to it hi Harry it's me this I know we're broken up but it's
04:23it's
04:24Claire's birthday tonight and I thought that I thought that maybe you'd like to come to her
04:35birthday party um anyway give me a call and um hope you're okay bye
04:48can't go out with the dog
05:02my boyfriend before Harry used to make me send him pictures of my vagina wherever I was
05:0610 or 11 times a day one day when I was temping he asked me to
05:10leave you
05:11I'm sorry I'm sorry I'll do it
05:21see you
05:21I'm sorry
05:22you
05:23I'm sorry
05:35you
05:46Time to throw the net out.
05:52I am in so much trouble.
05:54Jesus Christ.
05:55What am I going to get Claire?
05:56I am meant to get her the perfect present.
05:58I am not drunk.
05:59Always drunk.
06:00I am not drunk.
06:02Oh, which is odd because Claire's so straight.
06:04He smacked me in the face.
06:06Really hard.
06:07Really?
06:07Yeah.
06:09Oh, okay.
06:13Fuck.
06:14If you can give me a semi.
06:16Can I eat a water or a sandwich or something?
06:20I mean, the man's got a problem.
06:22Speak to me.
06:23Speak to me.
06:25But no one wants to admit there's a problem
06:26because then they don't get to have crazy nights out
06:28with fun drunk Martin.
06:29Chicken, are you chicken?
06:31He's one of those men
06:32who is explosively sexually inappropriate with everyone
06:35but makes you feel bad if you take offense
06:37because he was just being fun.
06:39Honestly, you could tell him you're going to pop to the loo
06:42and he'll say...
06:43Yes, you pop to the loo.
06:45Pull down your knickers
06:46and then I will come in and fuck you.
06:53I mean, this place is ridiculous.
06:56Does anyone ever come in here?
06:57I mean, it is creepy as fuck.
06:59Why don't you get her a guinea pig?
07:01It was a surprise hit here.
07:03What?
07:04You think she'd like a pig?
07:05Can I take this one?
07:06No, not that one.
07:08Christ woman.
07:09Something wrong with that one.
07:10It's got death in its eyes.
07:12Yeah.
07:13Vet says she's depressed.
07:15Huh.
07:16Aren't we all, girl?
07:18You know, guinea pigs can die of loneliness.
07:22Can they?
07:24Hold her.
07:25No.
07:25She needs it.
07:26No.
07:29I have an idea.
07:31Oh, he's sexually inappropriate
07:32and he eats raw sausages,
07:33but no one's made her laugh like he does,
07:36so I guess I have to give him that.
07:37Why don't I just put your...
07:38What are you doing?
07:39What are you doing?
07:40Stop it.
07:41No, no, no.
07:42There.
07:43There we go.
07:45I'm an innocent man.
07:48I bought her a necklace with her name on it
07:50that she found and told me not to buy.
07:52I bought her a book that she already has
07:55and she says not to buy her any clothes
07:58because she probably won't wear them.
08:00She scares me!
08:03Oh, my sandwich is so good.
08:06Look, this is London.
08:07Just fuck off and buy something weird and expensive.
08:09No, no.
08:10It's got to be good, all right?
08:11Help me!
08:12Pay me and I'll help you.
08:13Fuck off!
08:14How much?
08:1660 pounds.
08:1770.
08:18Done.
08:18Yeah!
08:24I don't know who she is.
08:27Is she...
08:28No.
08:32What about?
08:33No.
08:37Just get whoever you are.
08:40Who are you?
08:43I don't know.
08:44I want to be that person.
08:46I have been that person.
08:49Hot.
08:50But most of the time, I'm that person.
08:52Like everyone else.
08:54They're good, right?
08:55Chic?
08:56Chic means boring.
08:57Don't tell the French.
08:58What about these?
09:00Oh, God.
09:03Stop checking, all right?
09:05Nobody loves you.
09:06Help me here.
09:10Who is this person?
09:13Fuck no.
09:15This is perfect.
09:17Get her something she'd never get herself.
09:19Surprise her.
09:20She'll think I've gone nuts.
09:22No.
09:23She'll think you see her as this person.
09:25And everyone wants to be this person.
09:27I don't know.
09:28Aren't these for children?
09:31No.
09:33Let's keep going.
09:34Saw some more stuff she'll hate over there.
09:40It's a cracker.
09:45My neighbour...
09:47is really fit.
09:49Which one?
09:50The fit one.
09:51The one with a sexy big belly?
09:53No, no.
09:53He's the other neighbour.
09:54He's like...
09:55He's like...
09:56OK.
09:57I'm going to hold his face in my head so you can see him.
10:00OK.
10:06I'm not getting anything.
10:08Make your face his face.
10:10Yeah, OK.
10:14Is he mixed-raised?
10:15I'm getting mixed...
10:16Yes!
10:19That's him.
10:20Go on.
10:21No!
10:21Go on!
10:22OK.
10:23OK!
10:24OK!
10:29Jesus!
10:30I'm really sorry we're really high.
10:33We just really wanted to know what you look like.
10:36She thinks you're lovely.
10:48Oh, my God.
10:49Look at my elegant feet.
10:58Hey!
10:59Hey!
11:00Hey!
11:00Hey!
11:01Hello!
11:02Hey!
11:03Hey!
11:05What's your problem?
11:06Who was that?
11:07Uh...
11:08Oh, no one.
11:08It was, uh...
11:10Uh, what?
11:11No, no one.
11:11I just need to, uh...
11:12I just need to go and get a drink.
11:13Or something.
11:15OK.
11:16Oh.
11:17Excellent.
11:19Can I go get my shoes?
11:20Uh, yeah.
11:22OK.
11:31Whoa!
11:32Easy, Tiger.
11:36Coming from you.
11:39So, come on.
11:39Who was that heartbreaker?
11:41Hmm?
11:44He used to go out with Boo.
11:46And then he slept with someone else.
11:47And then she...
11:50Yeah, yeah.
11:51I know.
11:51OK.
11:53Fuck.
11:55I've never really said how sorry I was.
11:58You should get the trainers.
12:00She'll say I don't know her.
12:01You don't?
12:02You're just as bad.
12:04It's never clear what she wants.
12:06I should just get her some perfume.
12:09Jesus.
12:10Just fuck her.
12:11Please.
12:12For the love of a good woman.
12:13Just wrap your willy up in a bow and just screw her.
12:16She's going insane.
12:21What is it?
12:23You having an affair?
12:28I think you're a clever little puss, don't you?
12:33Little marital poke isn't going to kill you.
12:35Would it kill her to take me out to dinner?
12:37You girls, Jesus.
12:39Anyone said that to her, they'd be hung.
12:41They were hung.
12:41She probably wouldn't be complaining.
12:54A little advice from a married man.
12:57Oh.
12:59You should probably get yourself out there, sweetie.
13:02You're just tipping your prime.
13:11Another drink, hmm?
13:13Bingo.
13:15Excuse me.
13:16I have a date.
13:19Get the trainers.
13:19Shop closes in an hour.
13:24Oh, God.
13:26I was not expecting to see you again.
13:28Shut up.
13:28I mean, don't get me wrong.
13:29I'm chuffed to my boots.
13:31Oh, and thank you for the text.
13:33Saucy.
13:35Oh, and sorry I'm late.
13:36Oh, no, it's fine.
13:37It was last minute.
13:37No, no, no.
13:38I'm such a toolbox.
13:40You know, I'd like to say I was trying to save a puppy or something, but I just got my
13:43coat caught on someone else's coat outside the tube.
13:45You know, we had to separate ourselves.
13:46It was fucking intense.
13:47I had to give him my coat.
13:49What are we doing?
13:50Well, it's my sister's surprise birthday party.
13:52Oh, my God.
13:52I love surprises.
13:53Go on.
13:53Yeah, but I just thought I need to get her a present first.
13:56Oh, my God.
13:56What are you going to get her?
13:57I know this beautiful soap shop.
13:59I mean, this stuff just gets you straight in the bath.
14:02Oh, I was thinking more like...
14:04Yeah.
14:07Oh, yeah.
14:08These places all the time.
14:10So, yeah.
14:14You OK?
14:15Yeah.
14:16Sorry.
14:17It won't be long.
14:18Oh, yeah, yeah.
14:23Hi.
14:24Hi.
14:24Hi.
14:25Hi.
14:25Hey.
14:26What are you craving?
14:28Oh, just a really, really cheap thrill.
14:30For you?
14:31Oh.
14:32Hello.
14:33No, it's for her sister.
14:35Yeah, it's for my very sexually frustrated sister.
14:38Just a basic bunny would be great.
14:39OK.
14:40Well, I'll see what I can dig out, and you go to Brad's.
14:43Thanks.
14:52Oh, I think you just did it at the bottom.
15:01It's always a twist.
15:06Oh.
15:08Oh.
15:10Oh.
15:11I know.
15:12Yeah.
15:13You should totally get one of those.
15:14A vagina?
15:15Yeah.
15:16Oh, I've already got one.
15:18Really?
15:19You have...
15:19No.
15:20You...
15:20You've got one.
15:21I take it with me everywhere.
15:23No, you lie.
15:24You don't have one on you now.
15:26Yep.
15:27Never gonna get it.
15:28Where?
15:29Where's my vagina?
15:30Yeah.
15:31Where's my vagina?
15:32Yeah.
15:33Oh, you got me.
15:35I don't carry a vagina around with me.
15:39That'd be way too provocative.
15:42Didn't get it.
15:43OK, so this one's really great.
15:46It's half-priced because it's quite relentless.
15:49It's called The Burrower.
15:51Basically, it doesn't stop until you've come.
15:54Excuse me.
15:56Oh, don't worry about him.
15:58He'll be fine in a minute.
15:59Oh, my God.
16:00I love surprise parties.
16:02I love them.
16:03I love them.
16:03I love them.
16:04I love them.
16:04Will your parents be there?
16:06My dad might be.
16:07Oh, intense.
16:09Parents adore me.
16:10Um, I want you to be totally in love with me by the end of the night.
16:15OK?
16:18Who's that?
16:20Oh, it's my sister.
16:21Oh, no.
16:23No, no, no.
16:23We're gonna ruin the surprise.
16:24No, no.
16:24No, no, no.
16:25No, really.
16:26Get down.
16:27It will be fine.
16:28Surprise!
16:30Oh, my God.
16:31Thank you so much.
16:32I'm so surprised.
16:33Oh, my God.
16:35How divine.
16:36What a lovely husband you have.
16:38Where is he, then?
16:41Ah, busy.
16:43I'm blown away.
16:45I had absolutely no idea.
16:48Oh, Hildegard, can I just remember you for a second?
16:51Hello.
16:52Hello.
16:54Uh, Dad?
16:55Hi.
16:57Thank you for asking.
16:59Yeah, I'm essentially a documentary maker.
17:03Docs.
17:04Oh, really?
17:05What is your latest project?
17:07Well, sir, I'm interested in life.
17:10Uh, and how it affects lots of people in all sorts of different ways.
17:16Yeah, it's awesome.
17:18How did you meet?
17:19Oh, I met her on a bus.
17:21It's so easy to pick up girls these days.
17:23I was like, hi.
17:23And she's like, oh, take my number.
17:26I was like, yeah.
17:27I'm just gonna see if there are any other wines to try.
17:30And it's lovely.
17:30I'm just gonna see if there's some others.
17:34Excuse me.
17:35Can't resist.
17:40Do you find anything nicer?
17:42Oh, I was so sorry to hear about Harry.
17:46Lovely Harry.
17:48Love Harry.
17:50Exciting news about his new job.
17:53Yes.
17:54Very exciting.
17:55I was so pleased that you found someone else so fast.
17:58Hmm.
17:59I just can't stop conjuring an image of you sitting around that cafe.
18:03Just all alone.
18:05Feeling so terribly lonely.
18:07I just can't stop picturing it.
18:11I don't think you have to be alone to be lonely.
18:14Dad always taught me that.
18:15Hmm.
18:17Did your father tell you that one of my pieces has gone missing?
18:20He did.
18:21It's awful.
18:22I'm so sorry.
18:23So sweet of you.
18:25Very sweet.
18:27May I cut in?
18:28Yes, of course.
18:30Do you know, you are the most perfect-looking pair.
18:37Such a great gang.
18:38Do you want some normal food?
18:40No.
18:41No.
18:42Um, what I really want to do is this.
18:46What?
18:47What was that?
18:48No, sorry.
18:49Nothing happened.
18:50I was trying to be sexy.
18:52Sorry, no, it was.
18:52It was really sexy.
18:53Was it?
18:54What broke?
18:54What broke?
18:55Show me.
18:56Nothing.
18:56I just slipped.
18:57Claire?
18:58This is my friend.
18:59Yes.
19:00We've already met.
19:01My wife.
19:01My wife.
19:05My wife.
19:07All of your desires are wrapped up in here.
19:12Okay.
19:14Open it.
19:19Well, gold has always...
19:25Wow.
19:27Uh, that's really rather wonderful.
19:33What is it?
19:34Is it a paperweight, or...?
19:36It is a shrine to your body.
19:39Because I love your body.
19:43Wow.
19:44Wow.
19:45This is really...
19:46Can I...
19:47Can I see this?
19:48It's really quite...
19:49It's something, yeah.
19:50Wow, I think it's really...
19:52It might be a bit inappropriate for your guests to see your body at this...
19:56I'm just gonna slap in it somewhere safe.
19:58Okay?
19:59Hmm.
20:18I told you I'd find you a buyer.
20:27Your boy, he is hilarious, smart, funny.
20:32Fuck off.
20:34You'd fuck anything, wouldn't you?
20:38Just don't tell her you got the statue from me, okay?
20:42How much you want for it?
20:43Finger up the ass, nipple tickle?
20:49Come on, lighten up.
20:54She's gonna leave you one day.
21:00You looking forward to that?
21:21You're an asshole.
21:37Hey!
21:41Hey!
21:48I think you took my coat.
21:50Oh.
21:51I'm sorry.
21:52Just my coat.
21:53Oh, sorry.
21:56Why are you leaving so early?
21:57Oh, I have to give Hilary some Earl Grey.
22:00She's not feeling well, so...
22:02Oh!
22:02I got you this.
22:04Oh.
22:05I wasn't expecting anything.
22:11It's called a borrower.
22:13It basically won't stop until you come.
22:15Sounds horrendous.
22:19Good birthday business?
22:22Oh, huge.
22:23You know, I don't want to jinx anything, but...
22:26Huge.
22:27Could be life-changing.
22:30Great.
22:32Okay, happy birthday.
22:34Thanks.
22:36Are you okay?
22:38Yeah?
22:40Tell the truth.
22:44Are we leaving?
22:46Yes!
22:47Birthday girl!
22:50Awesome party.
22:50Thank you so much.
22:51We had such a great night.
22:52Oh!
22:54What's that?
22:55Oh.
22:57Goodnight.
22:58Goodnight.
22:59Night.
23:10Shall we?
23:17Surprisingly bony.
23:19I'm nearly finished.
23:20I'm nearly finished.
23:21It's like having sex with a protractor.
23:23I'm finishing.
23:24I'm finishing.
23:26I'm...
23:26I'm done.
23:27I'm done.
23:29I'm done.
23:32Yeah.
23:34Are you done?
23:36Oh, yeah.
23:37Okay.
23:38Yeah.
23:38Amazing.
23:39That was amazing.
23:40Yeah.
23:40That was amazing.
23:41Yeah.
23:42Yeah.
23:44That was amazing.
23:45Yeah.
23:46Yeah.
23:51For fuck's sake.
23:52What?
23:54Hey.
23:55You don't go through life with teeth like these and not...
23:59Know when someone's pretending.
24:05What the fuck is that?
24:07I'll kick it.
24:08I'll kick it.
24:09I'll kick it.
24:10I'll kick it.
24:11What?
24:13Did we catch that or is that yours?
24:16That is a rat.
24:17It's a guinea pig.
24:17That is a rat.
24:19Yes.
24:45I'll kick it.
24:46It's a rat.
24:46I'll kick it.
24:46Put it on.
24:46I'll kick it.
25:27MUSIC CONTINUES
25:45All episodes of Fleabag are available to watch on BBC iPlayer.
25:49Or if brilliant drama is more your thing, we've got plenty of that too.
25:53Ride along with Sasha as she finds her way in the music industry in mood.
25:58Watch now on iPlayer.