- 6 hours ago
Zero Stars - Season 1 Episode 8 - Loch Ness
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:06We are here at Loch Ness, investigating the world's greatest mystery.
00:14Nessie. Where is she? Who's seen her?
00:24Oh, hello! Are you looking for me?
00:30That felt pretty realistic.
00:36We're here, baby. Most travellers avoid bad reviews.
00:39Let's see what the review says. One star. One star.
00:43I've never seen anything more stupid. If I could give it zero stars, I would.
00:46But not us. I'm a woman in a man's world. I make up my own mind.
00:50I'm Sarah Pascoe. I'm brilliant at this.
00:53I'm Roisin Conaty. Come on, fishy, fishy.
00:56We're comedians, but more importantly, best friends.
01:00As someone who has received bad reviews, I will always try to look to the good.
01:03So we're turning the tables on the review sites.
01:06They were so busy typing in their phone moaning, they forgot to look out.
01:09And visiting places based on the worst reviews.
01:12Come closer, it's nothing to be afraid of.
01:15My review is 100 stars.
01:17But will this journey of salvation be a five star fun fest?
01:21I'm an absolute killer!
01:24Or are we in for a holiday from hell?
01:44Inverness, gateway to the Highlands.
01:48Beautiful Highlands, beautiful Inverness. I've been here before, I've done gigs here.
01:51Have you? I love it.
01:52And we used to come on holidays as children in the back of my dad's van.
01:56Did you?
01:56Yeah, drive around Loch Ness.
01:58I'm sort of an expert, actually.
01:59I love Scotland. I love the Scottish people.
02:02They've got brilliant accents, senses of humour.
02:04I love the history.
02:05And I really love the Loch Ness Monster.
02:08Brett, do you want to read a review?
02:09Do you want to hear a review?
02:10Read it to me. You know it's my favourite thing to start a trip.
02:13Monster, we travelled 400 miles from Grimsby to see the Loch Ness Monster and it didn't show up.
02:19Don't go if you're wanting to see it because you'll end up basically disappointed.
02:25From Grimsby!
02:27How confident am I that I'm going to find Nessie?
02:32Er, Cockshaw?
02:34Do you know what's really exciting? Go on.
02:36There was a sighting last week and it was in the newspaper.
02:39It's official!
02:41Nessie's back. Our fave monster has been missing since May. Only since May.
02:45That's the last time he was officially seen.
02:47I'm really excited. I really believe we can do this.
02:50Just outside of Inverness, in the Scottish islands, lies Loch Ness.
02:55It holds more water than all the lakes in England and Wales put together.
03:00And maybe, just maybe, the Loch Ness Monster.
03:07This celebrity beast brings in around £41 million a year to the Scottish economy.
03:13And she doesn't even have a make-up range.
03:15People come from all over the world to find Nessie, but we reckon all it needs is two great
03:20gal pals to crack the case.
03:21And to prove our commitment to the hunt, we're staying in a hotel attached to Nessieland,
03:27one of the area's worst-rated Nessie attractions. Yum!
03:31It's like Hogwarts.
03:33Let's see what the review says to ruin it for us.
03:36What do you think it is?
03:37Five Star's really great. You girls deserve a treat.
03:40One Star. A certain comedy about a hotel in Torquay sprang to mind, but without the comedy.
03:46So it's that unfunny Fawlty Towers. Do you find Fawlty Towers funny?
03:50I find it very funny, but I think I'd like an unfunny one as well.
03:53That's The Shining. Yeah.
03:56Great, then we're all going to be fine. Yeah.
03:59One online reviewer called the hotel Loch Mess, others have compared it to a 70s porn set,
04:06and one furious reviewer wrote this damning review.
04:09The TV was in German. I hear pointless is better auf Deutsch.
04:16Welcome to Loch Ness Lodge Hotel. How are we today?
04:19Good. Good. This is a nice hotel. It's very wooden.
04:22Normally we ask our guests to sign for the room.
04:26Do you ask if they're here to find the Loch Ness Monster?
04:28Are you here to find the Loch Ness Monster?
04:29Abso-fucking-lut.
04:32Have you seen Nessie? No.
04:33Well, when you grow up around it, you kind of desensitise to the whole thing.
04:39Like growing up in a showbiz family.
04:41Yeah. Absolutely.
04:42You grew up when Nessie was just a family friend.
04:44Yeah.
04:46So, just this way, ladies. Thank you.
04:49And who's this guy?
04:51Oh, that's James Fraser, the from Outlander.
04:55I don't know who painted it, but...
04:56The actor. That's good stuff.
04:58Yeah.
05:00This is your room. There you go. That's the key.
05:03OK, I'll leave you to it, ladies.
05:05It's absolutely massive.
05:06It's good. I like a bit of tartan, not over tartan.
05:09I know it's not, like, really modern,
05:11but I don't think people coming to look for a creature
05:13that's existed for over 1,500 years are into modernity.
05:17No. This mirror makes it all worthwhile for me.
05:19Wow. I hate my middle. This is perfect.
05:23I'd have to look at my bum, just look at my feet and my face.
05:26If you're into Nessie, I imagine it's location, location, location.
05:30This room's fine. I wouldn't be like,
05:32oh, I'm going to rebook it for my tenth wedding anniversary.
05:35But it's big.
05:36I've got to cancel my present for you.
05:40Now for the main attraction, Nessieland.
05:46According to the internet,
05:48it's either the place we'll discover the facts behind the mystery
05:52or possibly the worst tourist attraction in the world.
05:55Looks like we've got our first Nessie-related mystery to solve.
05:59We start with manager and Nessie spotter, Mark.
06:02Hi, Mark.
06:03Hello.
06:04Good afternoon, ladies. How are we doing?
06:05I'm Mark. I'm the manager slash consultant of Nessieland.
06:08Ooh, consultant. Very professional.
06:10The Nessieland expert, if you like.
06:12So you must have seen the Loch Ness Monster.
06:14I haven't personally seen it.
06:16Right.
06:16Not yet, but I've spoken to lots of people that have.
06:20They definitely saw something monster-shaped coming across the loch.
06:23Long neck, humps, all that sort of stuff.
06:25So what do you believe?
06:26I believe there's something strange going on out there.
06:28I don't know what it is.
06:30No.
06:30You know, it could be something that's as yet undiscovered.
06:33I don't think it's a dinosaur that survived all these years.
06:35That's scientifically impossible.
06:36OK.
06:37But it could be something trapped in time, like a ghostly thing.
06:42Yeah, because that's not scientifically.
06:43No, now we're talking.
06:44Yeah, you know, without an explain why it remains undetected.
06:47This guy has got some really out there theories.
06:50His mind is so open, everything can get in there.
06:52I love the idea that the Loch Ness Monster is a time traveller.
06:55What does she think of our times?
06:57What must she know?
06:58How do we stop climate change, Nessie?
07:00What's this Extreme Ghost Hunters got to do with Nessie?
07:03OK, well, we do a YouTube channel called Extreme Ghost Hunters.
07:06When we did the episode at Loch Ness,
07:08we picked up a ghostly wailing sound, like a creature.
07:11What did it sound like?
07:13I can play it to you.
07:14Oh, God.
07:15I thought you were going to do an impression with the rest you've got.
07:19HE LAUGHS
07:23Here we go, folks.
07:24Durkart Castle has been the most prominent spot
07:26for all the Nessie sightings throughout the years.
07:28So, let's see what we can get.
07:33Have you got anything to appear in the history of her?
07:35Yes.
07:35It's like an elephant!
07:37Yep.
07:38Mark is the kind of person that when you go travelling you hope to meet,
07:41because you walk in there and you think he's going to be some bored guy,
07:44sort of like, yeah, yeah, but he's like,
07:45oh, Nessie's a time warp and I've seen ghosts and...
07:48Whoa, we've barely got...
07:50It's just in the gift shop.
07:52Mark's theories have raised a lot of questions.
07:55Time to see if Nessieland has the answers.
07:58Enjoy.
07:58Thank you very much.
07:59And let me know what you think.
08:00Thank you, my love.
08:01Cheers.
08:03The £6 entry family tourist attraction has been described online as
08:07absolutely pathetically bad, dismal land and a place where dreams go to die.
08:13All right, it's a budget day out, not Chernobyl.
08:16Oh, my goodness.
08:18Well, that is a big old Nessie.
08:20It's like going to a museum about something that they have no evidence of,
08:23so it's just like a book on the wall with lights.
08:26I can see why people would be like, oh, I could just do this on my phone in the car.
08:31I think there should be a splash.
08:33That doesn't cost much money if you haven't got the budget.
08:35I think just at some point, even the noise of a splash.
08:40I think just give them something.
08:42Give them like, oh, what was that?
08:43Nessie.
08:44Well, Nessie Land's made a big splash with this fact fan.
08:49I'm really interested in it and, you know, there's so much stuff that I don't know about.
08:53There's been a lot of recent sightings. This is good for us.
08:57When I was a child when we came here, I thought that when I put my hand in the water,
09:02Nessie would know, oh, that kid's got an open heart and really believes in me
09:05and then she would just come over.
09:07It didn't happen at the time, but this time...
09:10This fish, a colacanth, was discovered and they thought it'd been dead for 80 million years.
09:15Like, this is interesting stuff.
09:16Disagree with that being interesting, if I'm honest.
09:19My review of Nessie Land, which is completely skewed by me, is that it's fine three stars.
09:25Now we've explored Nessie Land for ourselves, there's one more mystery to tackle.
09:29What does Mark think of the haters?
09:31Why do you think some of the reviews aren't great?
09:33Some people think it's something like Disneyland.
09:35Yeah. You know, and that's...
09:37Well, the land bit. Yeah, yes.
09:39This is for Nessie lovers. This is for Nessie lovers.
09:41Recently, a friend of mine did a video when we uploaded it to our website
09:44and we've had less bad reviews since that's been up.
09:48What did you say on the website?
09:49Oh, we just... I'll find you, I'll kill you.
09:51LAUGHTER
09:51Well, trust me, I mean, that has crossed my mind.
09:54LAUGHTER
09:54There's no way the worst tourist attraction in the world.
09:57Mark in himself makes it five stars.
09:59When you meet someone like that, you should charge for that chap.
10:04The monster isn't the only Scottish beast we're hunting.
10:08The deep-fried Mars bar. I've been on the hunt for this baby for years,
10:12and I finally tracked it down in its natural habitat.
10:16The chip shop off the A9.
10:18Right off the motorway.
10:20Perfect for weary travellers who want something to be deep-fried.
10:25It's Dougie's Chippy.
10:26Deep-fried Mars bar. Have you had one?
10:28No, I don't eat Mars bars, but I bought a whole stash of vegan chocolate to deep fry.
10:32Ooh, I've never had a deep-fried Mars bar.
10:33All those years in Edinburgh.
10:34I would think of you having one.
10:36Of course, everyone would think of me having one.
10:38Are you sure you just can't remember having one?
10:39No, I really hunted for them.
10:41Oh, OK.
10:41I really went round asking people to fry Mars bars.
10:44Today's the day.
10:45Today's the day.
10:46Do you want to hear a review about it?
10:47Yeah. I mean, I can't see how you'd get a bad review of a deep-fried Mars bar.
10:51One star. No, full stop.
10:55That Mars bar was fine just as it was.
10:58Imagine reviewing a deep-fried Mars bar and writing that.
11:01Yeah.
11:02I'm so excited, actually, genuinely.
11:04Maybe... I hope they're not disgusting.
11:06I've always been intrigued by this.
11:08The idea of deep-frying something sweet and it sort of melts in inside
11:12and then the hot, hard... I'm getting sexual.
11:16I hope the real Dougie's actually there.
11:18If he is, I'll do my Scotch accent. Hello, Dougie.
11:21That's very good.
11:22You do yours.
11:23Oh, hello!
11:24Oh, come on!
11:26Come on!
11:27What are we doing out here?
11:28Dougie needs to hear us!
11:32Hello.
11:32Hello, Dougie.
11:33Oh, hello!
11:35You're Dougie?
11:36Yes, sir. The real Dougie?
11:37The real Dougie, yes.
11:38Very exciting to meet you. I'm Sarah.
11:39Hello, I'm Roshi. Nice to meet you, Dougie.
11:41Thank you very much. Nice to meet you.
11:42Can we come and help you do some frying?
11:44Absolutely.
11:45Right, I want to taste some battered gear.
11:47Dougie says we can come backstage, see where the magic happens,
11:51not against it.
11:52Show us what you do.
11:53So, obviously, hand wrap the bar.
11:55What's this? What's in here?
11:57Yeah.
11:58That's butter.
11:59Yeah.
12:00Butter.
12:01Butter.
12:02Butter.
12:03And then, of course.
12:04It feels like depression.
12:07I worry you're going to get one of these in your kitchen.
12:09Of course I am.
12:13It looks not so but so.
12:15While the Mars bar's molten interior cools, we're going to see what else we can deep fry.
12:20Freestyle.
12:21Fire up.
12:23Let's get a few things out.
12:24I've got vegan, biscuits.
12:26I turn up to any party.
12:27I brought some vegan snacks.
12:28Things I like.
12:29Oreos, jammy dodgers.
12:30People don't even know they're vegan.
12:32I'll do a few at once, actually.
12:33Yeah, that's amazing.
12:34Might as well, yeah, might as well.
12:36You just put powder, batter, oil.
12:40And so, once you've learned how to do it, which takes you 15 seconds,
12:43you can just chuck all your stuff in there.
12:46Twice at end, nothing.
12:47Don't want to wear the oil.
12:50It just went into a frenzy.
12:52Can I do these jelly snakes?
12:54Yeah.
12:55Butter.
12:56Have you ever had a jelly snake done?
12:57I've not had a jelly snake.
12:59Yes, that's the first.
13:00I've not had a jelly snake.
13:01I think I've had to change your life.
13:02Yes.
13:03Roisin was brilliant at deep frying.
13:05And she did jelly worms and stuff like that,
13:07which would be this amazing sort of, like, tie-in with
13:10looking for the Loch Ness monster.
13:11They've sung, they pig like Nessie.
13:14Now, can I try this?
13:16As long as it's covered, you just drop it in.
13:19There's a muffin, and I put that into the oil.
13:24That's delicious.
13:26The muffin is an absolute banger.
13:29Put some custard on it, charge £11 in East London,
13:32and you're welcome.
13:33It was un-ber-lievable.
13:36Can I taste Nessie?
13:37Yeah.
13:41This tastes like...
13:44divine.
13:49I have never had a battered Mars bar.
13:51This is my first time.
13:53Right, I'm going in.
13:55I say Oreos don't work.
13:57No.
13:58Do you think that works?
13:59Have you had one?
14:00I think they're all right.
14:01How are you getting on?
14:02They don't like it.
14:04No.
14:06It's a Mars bar.
14:07You think a Mars bar, batter, put them together.
14:10Nah.
14:11Something happens in that.
14:12When they come together, evil happens.
14:14Well, that's it for Scotland, though.
14:17We've decided not to invest.
14:19If you, just yourself, not Dougie the chip man, Dougie the person,
14:24do you have it normal or deep fried?
14:26I would have it normal.
14:27Yeah, there we go.
14:28I would have it normal.
14:29Yeah.
14:31I hate to agree with these absolute killjoys.
14:37They were right.
14:38Sorry we've left a mess.
14:39That's no problem at all, pal.
14:41I'll have that sorted out.
14:42That was funny.
14:43He was a nice man.
14:44Very nice man.
14:46Do feel a bit sick.
14:52We're in Bonny, Scotland, investigating un-Bonny reviews like this.
14:58Travelled all the way from South Shields to see the Loch Ness monster and it didn't show up.
15:02Spent hours in the rain and nothing.
15:05Well, we want to prove that there's more to Loch Ness than an unreliable monster,
15:09so we're leaving the Loch behind in search of another Scottish icon, the golf course.
15:14King's Golf Club is very well reviewed, but surprise, surprise,
15:18they have had someone moaning online.
15:21This is very exciting.
15:23King's Golf Club.
15:25One star.
15:26Golf ranks alongside shopping.
15:28A good walk, spoilt.
15:30Oh, it's just someone who's learnt a new phrase and wanted to try it out somewhere.
15:34It's like when I learnt the word ambiguous when I was at school and I put it 17 times in
15:37an essay.
15:38They've learnt that phrase and thought,
15:39look, where can I use it out?
15:41King's have just been an innocent victim.
15:43They've probably written it on every golf course in the UK, haven't they?
15:46There's no punctuation in it.
15:47Not even a full stop.
15:48They were just speeding on to the next bad review.
15:51Hi.
15:52Hi, guys.
15:52Hello.
15:53I'm Roisin.
15:54Nice to meet you.
15:55I'm Sarah.
15:55Hello.
15:55I'm Nikita.
15:55Nice to meet you guys.
15:56You're Nikita?
15:57That's me.
15:58This guy?
15:59Just like the sign, yes.
16:00So you're like a big shot golfer?
16:02PGA professional, yeah.
16:03You've got a mullet.
16:04We did notice.
16:05Is that allowed?
16:06It is allowed.
16:07And how do we get up to the holes?
16:09Because it's a massive golf course.
16:10We're going to cheat a little bit.
16:11We're going to jump in some buggies and head on up there.
16:13And does it matter that we don't drive?
16:15It'll be absolutely fine.
16:17Can you say that now, Nikita?
16:19Oh, hello.
16:20Hello.
16:20Hello.
16:21And am I allowed on the grass?
16:23On the long grass, not the short grass.
16:25How do you know the difference?
16:26One's short, one's long.
16:27I'm on the grass.
16:30Lovely bit of equipment.
16:32What have you got going on?
16:33A go and stop.
16:34Yes, please.
16:35This is the most fun you can have on a golf course.
16:37Where are we going?
16:38What way?
16:38Oh, shit.
16:39Oh, shit.
16:40Oh, God, sorry.
16:41Stop it.
16:41There's a traffic jam.
16:43There's no brake.
16:44Is that on the brake?
16:45Oh, OK.
16:46Are you ready to race?
16:47Yeah.
16:48Ready?
16:48Yep.
16:49Steady, go.
16:50Oh, no.
16:52You've got to move.
16:56Dangerous.
16:57Dangerous driving.
16:58Nikita, she's trying to run me off the road.
17:01I'm not stopping.
17:04I'm not stopping either.
17:06This is like Mario Kart.
17:08We just need to make bananas.
17:10Neither of Roisin and I are legally allowed to drive.
17:12So to be behind the wheel of a vehicle, having races,
17:16going around corners, like nearly well in the sand.
17:20Oh, my God, nearly drove into the hole.
17:22Very thrilling.
17:23Oh, my God, she's gone off-road.
17:25The road?
17:26Oh, I did you!
17:30Nikita, I can't see how golf could be better than this.
17:34Madness.
17:35Is there an Olympic sport where you ride the buggies?
17:38There should be.
17:39Yeah, there should be, actually. Possibly.
17:40I don't think I'd ever come to a golf course again now
17:43if I didn't have a buggy.
17:44Also, I love that they're called easy goes,
17:47which is my nickname at Sixth Form College.
17:50Wowee, that was...
17:52Fun.
17:53Exciting.
17:53I mean, I don't know if this can compete.
17:55Can you...?
17:55I don't want to get out of the car.
17:57It felt like hot sex and now we're going to do four-play.
18:01Maybe the wrong way round.
18:02Show me how to play golf.
18:03Yeah, golf's got a lot following that.
18:05So the driver's the biggest club,
18:07so we're going to start with that
18:08because you guys obviously haven't played golf
18:10or maybe you've watched golf.
18:12No, absolutely not.
18:13You couldn't pay me enough money.
18:16What if I offered you a buggy?
18:17No offence, I know it shouldn't be like...
18:19What if I offered you a buggy?
18:20Yeah.
18:21Kept showing me how to hold the...
18:24golf stick? Club?
18:26The left hand at the very top,
18:27that's going to go down the top half
18:28and then with our right hand,
18:30we're going to put it there and then cover our thumb.
18:33Gold.
18:34We're going to hit the ball with this part of the face.
18:35Yeah, OK.
18:36Nothing else.
18:36So you want to whack that down there.
18:37So that wants me pointing at the target pretty much.
18:39OK, and what's my body meant to be doing?
18:41So left toe is going to aim there, back and forward.
18:44Boom!
18:45That went a long way!
18:47One leg's pointing there, one leg's pointing there.
18:50You're just going to stand a little bit further back.
18:51A little bit further back.
18:52OK, perfect, that's gold.
18:53So now...
18:54You reckon?
18:54Absolutely, yeah, just back and forward.
18:56Am I dragging it on the floor or is it in the air?
18:58Your preference.
19:01I did some terrible swings.
19:05You've got your hands in a weird position
19:07and you're swinging your body around
19:09and putting your legs in weird places.
19:13I'm going to hit it.
19:14And then I did hit it and it went quite far.
19:17And now that's finished.
19:18We're going to have some sandwiches?
19:19Not quite.
19:20We've still got a little bit of work to do.
19:22Do you want to come here?
19:23I...
19:23Trust me.
19:24I think I'm going to walk this one.
19:26Really?
19:26I was watching you drive earlier.
19:27Oh, how rude.
19:33Boom.
19:36Let's drive to the wall!
19:37This is brilliant!
19:38Out the way.
19:39Out the way, Nick.
19:39Get those precious legs out of my way.
19:41Okay, perfect.
19:42Pause there.
19:43I'm doing two balls?
19:44Yeah, until you get here with the mine.
19:46We keep doing yours.
19:47That's golf?
19:48Yeah.
19:49Come off it.
19:50Oh, yeah.
19:50Now we're cooking.
19:51Shot number three.
19:51This is a charm.
19:54That's really far.
19:55Down the path.
19:56Down the path.
19:57Damn, you're in the burn.
19:59You're swimming.
19:59I'm in the burn.
20:00I'm in swimming.
20:01But it's okay.
20:01They don't sound like good words.
20:02I'm in the water.
20:04Yeah.
20:04Rose, let's go.
20:05Why have they put water on a golf club?
20:06Yeah, it's really in there.
20:08You're going to have to do a penalty drop, though.
20:10What does a penalty drop mean?
20:11So you've got to drop the ball, but you can't place the ball.
20:13You've got to drop it.
20:14So they've changed the rules.
20:15Oh, God, the stress.
20:16So just from your knee height, you've just got to lean down.
20:19I found mine, and it's way down the other side of that hill.
20:22Okay, let me bash this, and then we'll drive over.
20:27Another hole!
20:28Yeah, you're going to have to play out of that, but very good.
20:31Is that a birdie? Have we done a birdie yet?
20:32Not yet. You could still do a birdie.
20:34Is that getting it in three?
20:35Two.
20:36Oh, okay. That's not going to happen.
20:37Could happen.
20:38Do you dig those out?
20:40I didn't personally dig these out.
20:41But are they on purpose?
20:42They are on purpose.
20:43I didn't know what golf was.
20:44These are on purpose?
20:45Absolutely, yeah.
20:46You're ruining good land.
20:47We could have grown vegetables here.
20:49We could have driven around that.
20:50What shot number am I on?
20:52Is it five or four?
20:52One, two.
20:53There's a penalty at some point.
20:54Yeah, but only one.
20:56One, two, drop three, four, five.
20:57Five shots?
20:57I haven't done five shots, have I?
20:59Yeah, to take a penalty drop.
21:00When does this end?
21:01This is the fifth, yeah.
21:01When you get it in that hole over there by the flag.
21:03I'm ready to get the flag out if you get near, okay?
21:09Oh, oh, oh, nearly.
21:11Does each one count as a go?
21:13Absolutely.
21:14Each one counts as a go?
21:15Not amongst friends.
21:17There was a hand ball, I believe it's called in football.
21:21Cheating.
21:23That's patronising, Nick.
21:24That's fantastic.
21:26Sand, ball, dance floor.
21:29Oh, he really doesn't believe there's any hope for me.
21:35This is where the ball ended up, Nick.
21:36A fantastic shot, yes.
21:38So it's a little bit down the hill, unfortunately.
21:40A fantastic shot, he said.
21:41It was.
21:42Oh, Nick, thank you.
21:43I'd really love to leave it there.
21:45No, we're going to finish this hole.
21:46Okay, right.
21:47I think I'm going to miss it a few times as well.
21:49No.
21:50That wasn't bad.
21:51No, you got it, though.
21:52I did one hit and it only went a couple of metres.
21:55It's like, oh, this is going to be a long, old evening.
21:57I missed it, Nick.
21:57It's still there.
21:58Not quite that much power, either.
21:59So she's only on two.
22:01She's only on two.
22:02But I've lost my birdie.
22:03This could be a par, though.
22:04A what?
22:05This could be a par.
22:05What's a par?
22:06Three.
22:07Three.
22:07Three on a par three.
22:08Three?
22:08Yeah.
22:09Par three.
22:10Great.
22:11So after I've done 4,009 shots, she just...
22:15Boop!
22:17Oh!
22:21Oh, my God!
22:25And it went in the hole.
22:27It felt like fireworks in my veins.
22:29Oh, God, got it.
22:30Tell me you had a camera on it.
22:33Tell me you had a camera on it.
22:34That was phenomenal.
22:36I cannot believe it.
22:37Nick wants to be my teacher.
22:38This is like a movie.
22:41It was spellbinding.
22:44This is like a film.
22:45I've just discovered something I'm good at.
22:47You're a good teacher, man.
22:50That was impressive, right?
22:52That was really impressive.
22:53So she did get a par.
22:54I'm going to have to be friends with Donald Trump and stuff now.
22:57Are you friends with Donald Trump?
22:58I'm not friends with Donald Trump.
23:00No.
23:00That was awesome.
23:01So we're going to get you to finish up the hole now.
23:03Are you serious?
23:04I've got to play more.
23:05You've got to play a little bit more.
23:06That's ridiculous.
23:08Really nice and close.
23:09Okay, we're getting a bit closer.
23:11Probably not that hard.
23:12No.
23:14No.
23:14You realise that if you're shit at something, you play more of it.
23:19It doesn't seem fair, really, if you like the game.
23:22Hey, now it's getting really close.
23:25I've actually tried really hard.
23:26I hope all the cameras are getting this.
23:31Yay!
23:34Why haven't you complimented me?
23:36Absolutely fantastic.
23:39Thank you very much for being patient and kind with us.
23:42You're a very good teacher.
23:43No, I'm glad you guys enjoyed it.
23:44Hopefully I had some fun as well.
23:45We did.
23:45It's really good fun.
23:46Are we allowed to drive back now?
23:48You are allowed to drive back now.
23:50People come to Loch Ness, they don't see the monster,
23:52and some of them say that they're very disappointed.
23:55But I would say to them,
23:57why don't you pick up a sport you've never tried before,
23:59be amazing at it, and cheer yourself up?
24:08It's a new day in Loch Ness, which one reviewer wrote
24:11has the wettest water I've ever encountered.
24:15Wet water?
24:16Yeah, agreed.
24:17I don't let my water too wet.
24:18Slightly dry, please.
24:20Oh, it's gorgeous.
24:21I think the trouble is,
24:23a lot of the waves look like there's something in them.
24:26That's my new theory.
24:27Do you want to have a look?
24:28When did you get these?
24:29I'm just peeping around Crouch End.
24:32Herbert's paraphernalia.
24:33Abso-fucking-lutely.
24:36Beautiful, isn't it?
24:38I mean, I can't believe how lovely it is.
24:42I think I've been struck more in Scotland
24:44by the other countries about how stupid some reviews are.
24:48And it makes me feel a bit sad when it's like,
24:50oh, one star that I didn't see the Loch Ness monster.
24:52I just feel like, isn't it sad that society's come to this?
24:55Yes.
24:56Even if I've had a bad experience,
24:58I feel like making that one experience permanent in writing
25:02feels very harsh.
25:05Yeah. I want to write under all of them,
25:07who hurt you?
25:08Who hurt you?
25:09I once did reviews when I was 18.
25:11I phoned a psychic because I was sad.
25:13And I said, when will I be happy?
25:15And she went, oh, come on, a bit more specific.
25:19And then I reviewed under her thing saying,
25:21this lady was rude to me.
25:22That was my only bad review ever again.
25:23I always think about it.
25:24It's really funny.
25:25When will I be happy?
25:26When will I be happy at 18?
25:38So I'm going to do a bit of fishing.
25:40Are you?
25:41Because I'm a bit of meditative.
25:42Catch yourself.
25:43That's what they do up here.
25:44I'm going to do skimming stones, write a poem.
25:48Classic beach day stuff.
25:49Communal with nature.
25:50Really classic beach day.
25:52Because Sherry's vegan, she's not doing the fishing bit.
25:54So we're experiencing a different part of Loch Ness,
25:57rather than just looking for Nessie,
25:59even though I've always got my eye out.
26:01I take it you're the fishing man.
26:04That was a good guess.
26:05I'm Peter.
26:06Hello, Peter.
26:06I'm Roisin.
26:07Lovely to meet you.
26:08Yeah.
26:08This is a great outfit.
26:09You're in a deer stalker hat.
26:11I know.
26:11You need all that stuff.
26:13Do you like my hat?
26:14It's unusual.
26:15I'll take that as a no.
26:17So what do I need to put on?
26:18Yeah.
26:19You need a pair of waders.
26:20OK.
26:20That's one leg in.
26:24They're nearly there.
26:26That's half the battle.
26:28Now pull them up.
26:30Yeah.
26:31And pull up at the front now.
26:35Fishing's exhausting.
26:37Ready for your straps?
26:38Ready for my straps?
26:40Yep.
26:40Over the top.
26:40Whoa, whoa, Peter.
26:41What are we doing?
26:43I feel like I'm a massive toddler.
26:48It's not the sexiest gear, if I'm honest.
26:51So I don't know if I'd, you know, go on a date here.
26:55Some things lend itself to more blurty, you know, bowling or something.
26:59Even though the shoes in bowling are just absolute killers in terms of sex appeal.
27:04That's nothing.
27:05We're not talking about that.
27:06Peter, I've got to tell you something.
27:07I love fish to eat.
27:08But if we catch one, can it go straight back in the water?
27:11I don't want to be around a fish like...
27:13Yeah.
27:13We're going to treat them very nicely.
27:15OK.
27:15We're going to kiss them bye-bye.
27:17And away they go.
27:18Can we kiss them?
27:18Yeah, you can.
27:20I'll just go and get my rod.
27:22My point is, this stuff isn't date wear.
27:27And Peter and me are just friends.
27:29So this is a fly rod.
27:31OK.
27:31Feel how light that is.
27:33That rod is going to cast out that tiny little fly there.
27:36It's got a hook on it.
27:37And that's what we're hoping that the fish are going to take.
27:40And I've got a whole box of them here.
27:42Ooh!
27:44Would you ever wear one as an earring?
27:45Yeah, I probably would.
27:47We'll have them on your ears before the end of the show.
27:49Yeah, well, I want it to be deliberate, not an accident.
27:52OK, show me how to fish, Peter.
27:54All right, let's go.
27:55Follow me.
28:03I never, ever get any time by myself, because I've got two young children.
28:08So this is a dream for me.
28:14I'm just writing down some thoughts.
28:16Not so much a poem or broken prose about the water.
28:21The people who've dedicated their life to looking for this monster.
28:24Roisin's fishing for fish.
28:26I'm fishing for big thoughts.
28:28I'm going to write that down.
28:29They're fishing for big thoughts.
28:31So what do I do then, Peter?
28:32Well, up, paws, out.
28:34OK.
28:35OK.
28:36Right, up, up, paws, out.
28:38Excellent.
28:39And then I would pull the fly back through my fingers like this.
28:43Oh.
28:44Like lure it.
28:45Make it, make the fly look alive.
28:47It's a very zen thing to do once you get into it.
28:53It felt really, really calming, ancient.
28:57Like, it felt like a thing that you can sort of feel in your bones,
29:00like, evolutionary, like, this is how we fed ourselves.
29:03We didn't just use Deliveroo.
29:08Roses are red, violets are blue.
29:11I love the Loch Ness monster, but she loves me too.
29:14God, what am I doing?
29:16Live, laugh.
29:18Loch Ness?
29:19No.
29:20No, I hate myself.
29:22Up, paws, down, and then look.
29:26Pull through your fingers.
29:27Come on, fishy, fishy.
29:28And what's the most amount of fish you've ever caught with a newcomer?
29:32Oh, gosh.
29:33One day, we had about 30 fish in the boat.
29:36Oh, 30 fish?
29:38Yep.
29:38Like, Jesus.
29:40Up, paws.
29:41And out.
29:42Oh, nice cast.
29:43Nice cast.
29:44And fish it, fish it.
29:45All on Lauren's clothes.
29:47That's it, pull it in a little bit.
29:47I've caught a cameraman.
29:49And I'll pull the line away.
29:50In it comes.
29:51Oh.
29:54I've called it The Depths, but I think it's really meaningful.
29:58She's not an eel, the old man cried, and I still tried to find her.
30:04Too deep to know in surety, a dinosaur's longevity.
30:09Let's stop and have a cup of tea.
30:12Monster, I hardly knew her.
30:15Five stars, no notes, no Nobel Prize.
30:17Sorry to look so smug at the end of my poem.
30:21I sort of feel now with the monster, if you look too much, it'll make you mad.
30:25It's good to look away for a little while.
30:28That was so much fun.
30:30Well, you were a very good pupil.
30:32Was I?
30:33Yeah, yeah, you were.
30:34I didn't catch anything in terms of fish, but vibes, I'm full to the brim.
30:39And you said I wasn't your worst pupil.
30:42Honestly, you were probably in the top 20%, I would say.
30:46Woo!
30:47The truth is, I was glad we didn't find anything.
30:51I'm a hypocrite, I eat fish, I eat meat, but I outsourced the murder.
31:00I just skimmed one.
31:02I just skimmed one, I hope you saw.
31:03I did, so you're the reason I didn't catch any fish.
31:06You were out here warning them.
31:07Yeah, I accidentally killed two ducks, so try and pull them off.
31:12I was fishing.
31:13We didn't catch anything.
31:14Well done.
31:15So it was a lovely afternoon.
31:17What were you up to?
31:18Pottering.
31:19I've been trying to learn how to skim stones, but I have made a very exciting discovery.
31:22There's a famous man over there.
31:24So yeah, he's got the Guinness World Record for the longest search for the Loch Ness Monster,
31:29but he's also got some bad reviews.
31:31Let's go and meet him.
31:32Let's go and find out why.
31:33Let's do our investigations.
31:34Come on then.
31:37Some people online have found Steve as aloof as the monster.
31:45Bit harsh.
31:46Hello.
31:47Are you Steve?
31:49I'm Steve, yeah.
31:50Hello, we've heard a lot about you.
31:51Right.
31:52We heard you're 35 years hunting Nessie and you've got the Guinness World Record.
31:56World champion at not being able to find it.
31:58Ah.
31:59Do you want to come in?
32:00Yes, please.
32:00Oh, yes, please.
32:01Out of the weather.
32:03It's friendly.
32:04It's positively happy.
32:06Oh, wow.
32:08What a lovely place to live.
32:12So we've been visiting places that have been poorly reviewed and we noticed that someone,
32:17I mean, obviously you're not here as a tourist attraction, but someone had reviewed you.
32:21I know.
32:22This is my home.
32:24I get reviewed on my home.
32:26I'll get a three-star review.
32:28He wasn't there when I...
32:29Oh, my God.
32:31If I'm here, I get a two-star review.
32:35Steve sold his house, gave up his girlfriend and his job and moved to Loch Ness in 1991,
32:40where he's been living by the shore and looking for the monster full-time ever since.
32:46Why did you start looking for the Loch Ness monster?
32:49I got obsessed when I was a kid.
32:52I came here when I was seven, got hooked on the whole possibilities.
32:55Then I believed I was looking for dinosaurs.
32:58But most kids would lose that interest in years.
33:01It was the opposite with me.
33:02It just grew and grew the passion for this mystery.
33:05Even if it wasn't you who saw it, how would you feel if there was confirmation?
33:11If it wasn't me, I'd be furious.
33:13Would you really?
33:17I bet this is a lot of people's fantasy of how they want to live,
33:20but you're actually doing it.
33:22I recommend it.
33:23Yeah?
33:23I recommend do what you love.
33:25I know I can be on my deathbed and look back and say,
33:28God, I'm glad I did that.
33:30That's lovely.
33:30It's really lovely.
33:32It's really inspiring.
33:33Yeah, we're going to be professional buggy drivers.
33:35Have you ever driven a golf buggy?
33:36No.
33:37It's really amazing.
33:38Such good fun stuff.
33:41I mean, it's brilliant.
33:42He just decided what he wanted to be when he was seven,
33:44and now he is that.
33:45He's living his dream.
33:46When I was seven, I wanted to be a vet in space.
33:49That would be good.
33:50One of the reviews said you were grumpy,
33:51and I didn't find you grumpy at all.
33:53I disagree.
33:54A lot of the reviews say I'm grumpy.
33:56Do they?
33:56Everyone says I have to be grumpy in their own house.
33:58That is your own house.
33:59Yeah.
34:00I can't wait till it's the news bulletin that you've actually,
34:02you know, you and Nessie having a hug.
34:04I might not tell anyone.
34:05Half.
34:06Ooh.
34:08Well, can you just tell us then?
34:09Because we're really into it.
34:10Oh, like that'll keep it secret.
34:12I'll just tell you two.
34:13Thank you very much, Steve.
34:15Pleasure.
34:15Lovely to meet you.
34:17He was lovely.
34:18I didn't find him grumpy at all.
34:19And also, he was in his own house.
34:21I think people need to stop thinking they can just review.
34:24I'm going to start reviewing my friends and family.
34:26Everyone I meet, I'm going to send them a review after lunch.
34:29Not great.
34:30A lot of chat about their ex.
34:32Heard it before.
34:33Two stars.
34:39We're in Loch Ness.
34:41Investigating reviews like, there was no monster.
34:44All I managed to spot were a few ducks and an enthusiastic fisherman.
34:49Ignore these moaners.
34:50Loads of locals have spotted her.
34:52Even the owner of our hotel.
34:53I actually saw the Loch Ness Monster myself about 30 years ago.
34:57No way.
34:59We're out in a small boat in the middle of the loch.
35:02The skipper was on the front cabin and I was in the back.
35:06And, but I was looking forward when I heard this tremendous splash.
35:11And I looked back and 100 meters away, there's this enormous pool of water.
35:17And I said to the skipper, by the way, I think I've just, solid evidence for the Loch Ness Monster.
35:22Oh.
35:23Yeah.
35:26Wow.
35:26And that's absolutely authentic.
35:29I'm not, it's not that I'm drinking too much or any of these things.
35:32And so 30 years ago, that hasn't made you want to go out and keep looking for her?
35:36When I drive up and down the loch, I'm always looking, especially on a calm day,
35:39to see if there's anything extraordinary.
35:41And I still believe that there's something in there, for sure.
35:43Hopefully, we'll come back with our story of our Nessie sighting.
35:46I hope so.
35:47Wish us luck.
35:48I hope you have a...
35:48And if not, we'll make one up.
35:51But between you and me, I'm a terrible liar.
35:53So we've booked onto a Nessie spotting cruise.
35:56And it's time for the final showdown with Nessie.
36:01Hope we don't end up pulling a Steve and living here for the next 30 years.
36:05I wouldn't put it past me.
36:12Hi, guys. Are we here for the cruise, are we?
36:14The deep scan.
36:15You are. Perfect.
36:16It's a short two-minute drive down the hill, so it's not too long at all.
36:19Perfect.
36:19Once we're down there, we can introduce you to Steve.
36:21He'll be your skipper for the evening.
36:22He'll try his best to show you Nessie, but no guarantees, OK?
36:26Another Steve?
36:27Are all Nessie hunters called Steve now?
36:29Should we be called Steve?
36:33Steve?
36:33It is indeed, yeah.
36:34You're the driver of the deep scan cruise?
36:36Skipper, technically, but yes.
36:38Skipper, technically.
36:39I'd take it out onto the lock most days and go and look for the monster.
36:43OK, well, we'd really love to see Nessie now.
36:46Aye, we'll try our best.
36:48So Nessie kills us?
36:50No, Nessie's friendly.
36:52Yeah, yeah.
36:53Maybe we should stop calling her a monster, maybe.
36:55I think so, yeah.
36:57Yeah, because it's the monster that makes you think she's violent.
37:00Absolutely, yeah.
37:00It's definitely not what was hiding under my bed when I was little.
37:04No.
37:04What was hiding under your bed?
37:05Well, the monster.
37:06A different monster.
37:07Do you not have a monster under the bed?
37:08Did you deep scan under your bed?
37:10Absolutely.
37:11OK.
37:12I don't know how much I trust you, Steve.
37:13Let's go.
37:14I'm excited.
37:14And you may even get a Scottish tan.
37:17Perfect.
37:18It's our last day.
37:19Time's running out.
37:20We must do whatever it takes to find the beast.
37:22Oh, Nessie.
37:27Nessie.
37:28Nessie.
37:32Look at that.
37:34Oh, it's a seagull.
37:35I thought it was a little...
37:36I thought it was Nessie's head.
37:37A seagull.
37:38Oh, you cheeky seagull.
37:40Here, Nessie!
37:43We don't think you're a monster.
37:45You're just old.
37:47And we have a society that values you.
37:51You're so pretty.
37:53Whether Nessie shows up or not, it's a lovely little boat ride.
37:56The first impressions of the lock, it's very peaceful.
38:00Because it's huge and beautiful.
38:03And Steve had dreamy, dreamy eyes.
38:07Imagine just spending your whole life out here looking for Nessie.
38:10I'm lying.
38:12So, here we are out in the middle, at the deep point.
38:15Er, there's so nice saying that we're just here,
38:17got 224 metres of water underneath us.
38:20Whoa, that's scary deep!
38:21So, if you were to take Canary Wharf and drop it in here,
38:24it'd just about disappear.
38:26All of those bankers gone!
38:28Yeah.
38:28Let's do it!
38:29Let's do it!
38:30Er, this system here found a spot three weeks ago
38:33that was 274 metres.
38:35That's Nessie's little bedroom.
38:37Yeah.
38:40Next, Steve shows us his instruments.
38:42Oh, hello.
38:43Very exciting.
38:45So, we've got two systems.
38:46Essentially, that's sending 50,000 pulses of sound every second down.
38:50That's sending 200,000 every second.
38:52OK.
38:52And it's waiting for the echo to come back.
38:54It works out how far away the thing is that it's hit,
38:57whether that's a fish or monster or the bottom of the lock.
38:59Whether that's a fish or a monster.
39:00But he doesn't know which of those things it is.
39:03No.
39:03He then showed us some evidence.
39:04Proper, unrefutable evidence.
39:07Yeah, interesting.
39:08Well, we do actually know that that is a 10-metre-long creature.
39:11Wow!
39:13And it's white because it's full of oxygen.
39:15Is it Nessie?
39:16Yeah.
39:16Yeah.
39:17It could well be.
39:18We met a guy earlier who said it could be something
39:20that's trapped in a time warp.
39:22Yeah, it's his mark.
39:23I can't say no.
39:25It's a possibility.
39:26Now, the scientists believe Nessie to be a giant eel.
39:29But the problem I have with that is eagles swim like this.
39:32Yeah, sure.
39:32And what I filmed six years ago is swimming during the...
39:34Whoa, whoa, whoa.
39:35What you filmed?
39:37And then Steve plays his blinder, which is,
39:38oh, yeah, I saw that, like, that's monster six years ago.
39:40Do you want to watch it?
39:41So, this is you on the boat.
39:44Yeah.
39:44And it's starting to make this white wave here.
39:46Oh, I see the white wave, yeah.
39:48OK, yeah.
39:50There is a wave.
39:51Hmm.
39:51And then it's this.
39:53Ooh!
39:54What on earth?
39:55Oh, my God.
39:56Two black humps and the three splashes.
39:59Oh!
39:59And then the whole thing disappears.
40:02Yeah, it's gone.
40:04And then it comes back with the same two black humps.
40:06She comes back.
40:07And the same three splashes.
40:11He saw it.
40:13Irrefutable.
40:14Up and down.
40:14Twice.
40:15You've seen Nessie.
40:16Yeah.
40:17Do you think she likes you?
40:19I reckon, yeah.
40:19By now, I'm thinking this is probably one of the best days of my life.
40:22I can go home and tell people I've seen a video of the Loch Ness Monster
40:25and then imagine what happens next.
40:27That's the wave.
40:28That's the kind of wave again.
40:29Look.
40:30That's the kind of long wave.
40:31That's there.
40:32It is.
40:32There's no question.
40:33That there.
40:34What is near that wave?
40:35Look, look, look.
40:36That's the kind of long wave.
40:37No, no, no.
40:38Oh, my God.
40:40Oh, my God.
40:41It's there.
40:42What is it?
40:43The middle bit.
40:43The middle bit.
40:44Yes.
40:45What is that?
40:46Look, look.
40:46You can see there's something under the water.
41:12Nessie.
41:14Nessie.
41:14Nessie.
41:15Look.
41:17Nessie.
41:19It's not there.
41:25It was stunned.
41:27It was there.
41:30That's amazing.
41:32What could it have been?
41:33The Loch Ness Monster.
41:49We had a big event out there.
41:51The first TV show ever.
41:52Yeah.
41:52We're not even making a show about Nessie.
41:54We're making a show about bad reviews.
41:56And we just...
41:57We saw Nessie.
41:57We're getting a millionaires.
41:59We saw Nessie.
42:00We're all going to be millionaires.
42:02What an end to our Loch Ness adventure.
42:06Don't tell the other Steve we saw it in three days.
42:08Awkward.
42:09My favourite look.
42:12I think I agree, Sarah.
42:14It has been an absolute adventure.
42:17My trip to Loch Ness was a hole in one.
42:19Ooh!
42:23Nessie felt that my heart was pure and said hello.
42:26Or maybe it was just a big wave.
42:27And we got excited by seeing Steve's computer.
42:30But monster or no monster, it was five Nessies out of five.
42:34And what was the review?
42:35What was that bad review about?
42:36The review said I came all the way from Grimsby.
42:38Didn't see the Loch Ness Monster one star.
42:40And I have to say stay in Grimsby next time.
42:42Yeah.
42:43My favourite part of the trip was the people.
42:45I found them all interesting.
42:47And I found them all to be called Steve.
42:49I learned I looked fit in waders.
42:51And finally tracked down an elusive Scottish monster.
42:54Yay!
42:55It's five Steve's out of five for me.
42:59You know, Summer Johnson said,
43:00he who is tired of London is tired of life.
43:02Yeah.
43:02I'd say, he who doesn't have a nice time at Loch Ness,
43:05because they didn't see a mythical creature,
43:07maybe just watch telly next time then.
43:10I concur.
43:13Shall we just sort of walk into the water and disappear
43:16never to be seen again?
43:17We could, but I've had an idea, Sarah.
43:33Very good.
43:34If Nessie doesn't come out to this,
43:35she won't come out to nothing.
43:37I really hope she doesn't have ears.
44:06I really hope she doesn't have ears.
44:07Bye.
44:07Bye.
44:08Bye.
Comments