- 1 day ago
First broadcast 29th November 2013.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Johnny Vegas
Sandi Toksvig
Janet Street-Porter
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Johnny Vegas
Sandi Toksvig
Janet Street-Porter
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Welcome to QI for a show that is unashamedly kinky.
00:05Joining me on the top shelf at the newsagents tonight are
00:08Dominatrix Janet Street Porter
00:14None on the Run Sandy Toksvig
00:22Naughty Vicar Johnny Vegas
00:28And kinky tinky winky Alan Davis
00:36Right so before we get down to business I want you all to give me the horn
00:39Janet goes
00:40You've been a very naughty boy
00:45Sandy goes
00:49Johnny goes
00:53And Alan goes
00:59Whatever floats your boat
01:01Now on with our first question
01:02Describe the technique of the world's greatest kisser
01:05Was there a contest?
01:07There was
01:07An actual winner?
01:08There was and there was a winner
01:09Is it a human or an animal?
01:13Have you been kissed by an animal ever?
01:16Donkey maybe
01:23Tiny tiny bit of bile came up in the back of my foot
01:28This was a competition
01:30And as you might imagine
01:32If cliche were piled upon cliche
01:34Which nationality would win?
01:37Scandinavia
01:38The Scandinavians
01:39The Italians
01:39The French
01:40The Français
01:42I don't think it's the Scottish
01:45Have you found no particularly good osculators?
01:48No
01:48I just did a quick survey in my head
01:52And I could only remember four countries
01:55And it certainly wasn't the Australians
01:58No
01:59His name was André Brulé
02:01He was a famous actor
02:02In the first part of the 20th century
02:04A rather stylish actor
02:06And there was a competition
02:07It was just after the First World War
02:09It was in Biarritz
02:1080 participants
02:11As far away as Russia
02:13And America took part
02:14And American kisses were described as
02:18Flaccid
02:18Oh
02:19I haven't said forceful
02:20Forceful
02:21No you haven't thought
02:22Russians
02:24Were eruptive
02:25Italians burning
02:27Which you'd think was good
02:28Ardent
02:28Is another word for burning
02:30Ardent kisses
02:31I'm still on erupting kisses
02:32What are those like?
02:33I was not trying to be like
02:35Volcanic
02:35I think that was a bit of second about that
02:39That's not where you think you're getting a normal kiss
02:41And they suddenly stick their tongue out
02:43You weren't expecting it
02:44Oh, that can't happen
02:45I know
02:47Or you kiss something
02:48You put your hands up a shout
02:49Bingo
02:51But I'm afraid the word that was described for English kisses
02:53Is almost all too predictable
02:56Cheap
03:00Frigid
03:00Wet
03:01Moist
03:02Frigid
03:03Tepid
03:05Tepid
03:05Oh, grot the boy
03:08I'm disappointed
03:08Your notion
03:09We are
03:09Spanish were vampirish
03:11Or vampirish
03:12However you would say it
03:12Vampire-like
03:13But the winner
03:15Although he was a Frenchman
03:16French kisses were described as
03:17Chaste
03:18Which is most surprising
03:20French kissing is
03:20French kissing itself
03:22Is far from chaste
03:23Cataclysm
03:24It's cataclysmic
03:25Exactly
03:25No, no
03:26The actual word for it
03:27Is cataclysm
03:27Is that what they call it?
03:28It's called
03:28Yes
03:29And it's something pigeons do
03:30Bizarrely
03:30Who knew
03:31When you see two pigeons
03:32Billing and cooing
03:33Cooing
03:33Yes, they're actually
03:35Sticking the tongue down each other
03:36Yeah
03:36And it's
03:37Not swapping pigeon milk
03:38No, it's much better to say to somebody
03:40If they don't know what it is
03:41If you want a French kiss
03:42Do you mind if we do a bit of cataclysm?
03:43And they're bound to say yes
03:44Because they've no idea what it is
03:45You may be thinking of cataglottism
03:47Cataglottism
03:47Yes
03:49Cataclysm is a disaster
03:50No, no
03:50I think you misheard me
03:52It's my Danish accent
03:52Oh, I see
03:53Right
03:55Can I ask Sandy a question about the pigeons?
03:57Do they have sex through their mouths?
04:00No, no, no
04:00Oh, how do they have sex?
04:02Just by the way?
04:03The normal way
04:03In the normal way
04:04Yes, is this news to you?
04:08I know you've been married a few times
04:10We don't have children, do you?
04:11No, I don't have children
04:12But I've never had sex with a pigeon either
04:14I just
04:30Can I just say
04:34I had a boyfriend who said he wanted me to tie him up
04:37And be a dominatrix
04:39And he booked a suite in a hotel
04:41And ordered a load of drinks
04:43And just as the butler brought the drinks
04:46He got out a dildo and a pair of handcuffs
04:49So I had to sit on both sex toys at the same time
04:53Oh my god
04:54Anyway
04:54I sat on the handcuffs
04:55I sat on everything
04:56I didn't want me to be associated with all this hardware
04:59Oh, to sit on them to hide them
05:00Yes
05:07Sorry
05:08Were they very handcuffed?
05:10No, they're normal ones
05:11And in the morning when he was asleep
05:13I just handcuffed his foot to the end of the bed
05:15And left
05:16Wow
05:17You should have made him finish your book first
05:22Hello
05:25Was it just men in the kissing competition?
05:27Yes, it was
05:27I suppose if they wouldn't have had women
05:30Shown off their kissing technique
05:31No
05:31It would have been a thought to be a
05:32Not in
05:32Balling
05:33But not in those days
05:34Exactly
05:34So what was he kissing?
05:35The back of his hand?
05:35No, he was kissing women
05:36But he was kissing them
05:37It wasn't a mutual kiss
05:39If you sort of mean
05:39He gave them kisses
05:40The idea was the technique
05:41He would grab their waist
05:42And sort of push himself down
05:44The whole thing was almost like
05:45A sort of ballet dance
05:46It was not about the
05:47Actual sort of long snog
05:48It was about the elegance
05:50With which you did it
05:50And that's where he won his awards
05:52And there's a very famous photograph
05:54You probably know
05:55Of a similar kiss
05:56Which is amazingly evocative
05:58Of a great victory
05:59VJ Day
06:00Ah, the one with the sailor
06:01And the sailor
06:01And the woman in New York
06:02Which is hugely famous
06:04And in 2012
06:05That recently
06:07They were reunited
06:08They're both alive
06:08Her name is
06:10Greta Friedman
06:11And he is
06:13George Mendonca
06:14They had never met
06:15He just simply saw her
06:16In the street
06:17Swooped her up
06:17And kissed her
06:18And the photographer
06:18Got virtually the photograph
06:20Didn't she rather famously
06:21Slap him afterwards?
06:22She was not pleased at all
06:23No
06:23Absolutely
06:24But
06:25When they had a reunion
06:26In 2012
06:27They were very friendly
06:27And she realised
06:28It was a fabulous moment
06:29He was swept up
06:30In the joy of
06:30VJ Day
06:31So did they shag?
06:34I think not
06:35If she slapped him afterwards
06:36Although
06:36No, on the reunion
06:38On the reunion?
06:41That's my point
06:42You know
06:42When there's no
06:44You know
06:44Victory anywhere day
06:46And you're just speed dating
06:47And you do that
06:48Then you're not likely
06:49To be thanked
06:50Yes
06:50No
06:51You're likely to end up
06:52In a car
06:52With injuries for you
06:54Lawyers
06:54Yeah, exactly
06:55But according to Theocritus
06:57In the city of Megara
06:58They had a version of the
06:59Olympic Games
06:59Where there was a kissing competition
07:01Which was only between boys
07:03Yeah
07:04I know
07:04I know
07:05Too late they cried
07:07Overpower one another
07:08No, no
07:09It was
07:10Back to the Greco-Roman snogging
07:11No, it's those
07:12Who so sweetliest
07:13Press his lip upon lip
07:16Sweetliest
07:16If they'd have that
07:17In the Olympics
07:18I'd have watched
07:18Yes
07:19And they were turned
07:20Laden with garlands
07:21For their mothers
07:22So
07:23If you win the boys kissing competition
07:25You get garlands
07:26Which interestingly
07:26In Greek is
07:27Stephan
07:29Thought I'd mention that
07:30That's what my name means
07:32And you give your mother
07:33Lots of flowers
07:33Saying I won the kissing competition
07:35With boys
07:35And she goes
07:36Darling
07:37We have to talk
07:40Just don't tell your father
07:42So there you go
07:43The world's greatest kisser
07:44Was a French actor
07:45Named André Brulé
07:46But who was the most shocking
07:47Kisser of all time
07:49Four
07:50Oh, hello
07:51There we've got two
07:52They're probably called
07:53Britney Spears
07:54And Madonna
07:55That is you can just see
07:57Is what pigeons do
07:58Oh yes
08:01There was only one marshmallow left
08:07I've only ever had one screen kiss
08:09And it was with the wonderful
08:11American comic Mike McShane
08:12Oh yes
08:13Mike McShane
08:13You did a sitcom
08:14We did a sitcom together
08:16And he knew I was very nervous about the kiss
08:17Because I wanted it to be
08:18I didn't want it to be comic
08:19I wanted it to be
08:19To be real
08:20There's always that worry
08:21When you're doing a comedy
08:22And he knew this
08:23And so I was very anxious
08:24And the very first time
08:25He leant down
08:26And he kissed me
08:27And passed me an anchovy
08:28With his tongue
08:33I was less nervous after that
08:36Yeah, I had a film
08:37I had to kiss Jude Law
08:38And Bjorn Griffith
08:39It was awful
08:41And I'm nude
08:42Oh, God
08:44Misery
08:45But anyway
08:46Shocking kisses
08:47That's, I suppose
08:48Shocked some people
08:49Because it's lesbiotic
08:50But
08:51Lesbiotic
08:54I must go home
08:55And give the good news
08:58They had a shocking kiss
08:59In Star Trek
09:00Really?
09:02There's an episode
09:03Where Captain Kirk
09:04Kisses
09:05Uhuru
09:06So it's interracial
09:09Oh, very shocking
09:10And that was not
09:11Thought would go well
09:13In the southern affiliates
09:14Right
09:15So they shot it
09:17So that
09:17One of them
09:18Had their back to camera
09:19So you couldn't
09:20They knew they were kissing
09:21But you couldn't actually see it
09:22Just in case
09:23Down south
09:24They didn't kick off
09:25Yeah
09:27I'm talking about a screen kiss
09:29Or I'm talking about
09:29An electric
09:30That's the word shocking
09:31Thank you, Alan
09:31Is it something electrical
09:33Yes
09:33The Venus electrificata
09:35It's one of those things
09:37Whenever you invent
09:37A new technology
09:38People experiment with it
09:39In extraordinary ways
09:40And of course
09:41Electricity
09:42When the power to generate
09:43Electricity first arrived
09:44People tried all kinds
09:46Of exciting things with it
09:47And one of them
09:48Was to suspend a woman
09:50Such that she was not earthed
09:52And then get men
09:53Who were earthed
09:54To kiss her
09:54And you can see
09:55He's winding round
09:56In order to create
09:57An electric current
09:58And you kiss them
10:00And you get a tingling feeling
10:01Well, we used to
10:02When I was a kid
10:02I grew up in the United States
10:03We used to have
10:04Electric shock parties
10:05Because you had very cheap
10:06You put your tongue on batteries
10:07No
10:07You had a cheap nylon carpet
10:09And turned the lights out
10:10And everybody would stand
10:11And rub their feet
10:12On the carpet like this
10:13And then they'd go now
10:13And you'd all kiss
10:14And there'd be a little spark
10:15Yes, we used to do that
10:16At prep school we had
10:16There's an area
10:17Which would cut off
10:17For the ponies
10:18To graze
10:19Whatever
10:19It's an electric fence
10:23You grab the electric fence
10:24And the shock
10:25Would go through
10:26Like a wave
10:26Through the whole line of us
10:27It was kind of
10:28Rather fun
10:29There was also
10:30Stephen grey and his amazing orphan boy
10:33Who he hung down
10:36And put a current through him
10:39And the current attracted various objects
10:42And this became so popular
10:44He actually made a kit
10:45You had to provide your own boy
10:46But otherwise you had the kit
10:50With various glass rods
10:51And things like that
10:52That the electricity would pick up
10:54But as with all new inventions
10:57Of any kind
10:58People are going to try
11:00Electric cock
11:00Yes
11:02And it was discovered
11:03Ultraviolet light
11:04Johan Ritter
11:05Decided he would try
11:07In the early days
11:08There was what was known
11:09As a voltaic pile
11:10I.e. a battery
11:11And he basically
11:13Tried it on his groin
11:15And he described it
11:16His organ began
11:18In a state of medium swelling
11:19What we call a semi
11:21I guess
11:23He
11:24He wrapped it in a piece of cloth
11:26I hope you're taking notes at home
11:28Moistened with lukewarm milk
11:30That's lukewarm
11:31Try
11:31Put your elbow in it
11:33And if it doesn't burn
11:34And it's not cold
11:35Like with a baby's bath
11:36Okay
11:36You're following
11:37You're taking notes
11:37I'm doing it slow enough
11:38Then delicately
11:39You touch the wire
11:41From the positive pole
11:41To the cloth
11:42And in the other hand
11:43You close the circuit
11:45A shock
11:46Jolted him
11:47Followed by a pleasant tingling
11:50The swelling continued
11:54Warmth spread from his groin
11:56And then
11:58Finally
11:58Constummation
11:59What kind of sex
12:01Was he having?
12:02Electric sex
12:03Yeah, but I mean
12:04Before that
12:05Oh, before that
12:06It sounds like a tea side
12:07You're a lovely person
12:08It's not you
12:09It's me
12:10I just like
12:11Dipping me testicles
12:12In warm milk
12:12And then running a wire
12:14Than me
12:15Because
12:15No, no
12:16It's great
12:17Christmas was fantastic
12:18But this might spoil it
12:19To the rest of the family
12:25Aren't you going to do a disclaimer?
12:27I'm not going to do a disclaimer
12:28I'm not going to say demonstration
12:30All right then
12:31Boil a kettle
12:32And throw it on your genitals
12:36Don't try this at home
12:40It's sitting in your house
12:41And the lights start flickering
12:42And you know he's at it next door
12:44With a milk cloth
12:45Yes
12:49I mean
12:50Channel 5's gone off
12:51It'll be up next door
12:55You know how every Christmas
12:57They always say
12:58When all the lights go down
12:59And you can't cook your turkey
13:00It's because we're all watching telly
13:02It's not
13:02Because all over Britain
13:03People are
13:04I'm trying
13:04Basically lukewarm milk on there
13:06You've got things milk on their willies
13:07Yes
13:09Yes
13:09I shared a dressing room for a while
13:11With a very short actor
13:12And I came into the dressing room
13:13One evening
13:13I think I was a bit early
13:14I wasn't expecting
13:15He was completely naked
13:16And he was trying to get
13:17His entire genitalia
13:18Up into the basin
13:19And I said
13:19What are you doing?
13:20He said
13:20I thought it was a good idea
13:21I thought it was a good idea
13:22I said
13:22What?
13:23I'd got some muscle heat rub
13:25Oh
13:27It feels so nice on your life
13:29The men are wincing already
13:31In the audience
13:31Oh
13:33I'm sure Alan has many
13:34Similar stories to tell
13:38Here's a really weird one
13:39In 2005
13:40A boy
13:41Was admitted to hospital
13:42With two
13:44Neodymium magnets
13:45The strongest
13:46Permanent magnets
13:47Known to us
13:48Trapping a fold
13:49Shall we say
13:50Of his penis
13:52He claimed that he'd fallen down
13:55They'd fallen down his trousers
13:57While he was playing with them
13:59But they were so strong
13:59That they didn't know what to do
14:00Magnets can be demagnetised
14:02By heating them to a very high temperature
14:04Which would be very kind
14:06Or they could be hammered apart
14:09So they were faced with a real medical problem
14:11To save this boy's future
14:13As it were
14:13So they tried alternative solutions
14:15Such as bigger magnets
14:17In the end they managed to remove them
14:19By shearing the magnets away from each other
14:20Moving them perpendicular
14:22To the force of attraction
14:24So
14:25Don't try
14:26Those magnets at home
14:28Anyway
14:28Let's move on
14:29What's going on here
14:37Kissing fish
14:38Kissing fish
14:38Are they fighting?
14:39They're fighting
14:39I think they're called kissing fish
14:41But it's what it looks like
14:42But they're not kissing
14:45They're fighting
14:45Exactly right
14:46Gurami is their name
14:48They don't kill each other
14:49By doing that
14:49But one of them will get
14:50Really knackered
14:51And sometimes dies of exhaustion
14:52It's never utterly fatal
14:54It looks like the end of a balloon
14:56Doesn't it?
14:56It does doesn't it?
14:57It's just like the end of a balloon
14:58What other fighting fish do we know?
15:01Oh
15:02The
15:03The
15:03The what you find
15:04Fighting fish
15:05Well they're called
15:05Samurai fighting fish
15:07Not samurai
15:07No
15:09Siamese fighting fish
15:10Very popular
15:11They're used like cockfighting
15:12As a sport
15:12They keep
15:13Each separate in a little
15:14Just alone in a tank
15:15So it doesn't
15:16Waste its energy
15:17By seeing another male
15:18There's another version
15:19And they have little swords
15:23Well they're really
15:24Vicious fighters
15:25And the one that loses
15:26Just flees for its life
15:27Basically
15:28But you bet on them
15:29Essentially
15:29It's like cockfighting
15:30Used to be
15:31They're not the fish
15:32That eat all that
15:33Spare skin off
15:34Your feet
15:34Oh supposedly
15:35Have you done that?
15:36Have you done that?
15:37No
15:37I'm a bit worried
15:39That if I put my feet
15:40In the hot water
15:41With the little fish
15:41This is for pedicures
15:42Where they put these tiny little fish
15:43In isn't it
15:44And they're supposedly
15:44Eat and nibble away
15:45At your dead skin
15:46They're more worried
15:46That they didn't want enough feet
15:49And they'll go to the side
15:51And they'll go to the side
15:55Get a little mouth box
16:01At first it's really strange
16:04And then when you get used to it
16:05What stranger is 15 people
16:07Filming you
16:08Unless you've got your feet
16:09In tank like
16:10Woo
16:10You did it on a TV thing
16:12Did you?
16:12No
16:12No
16:13I just did it
16:14In a shopping centre
16:17And 15 passes by
16:19There's that Johnny Vegas
16:21Having his feet
16:21Johnny Vegas
16:22Getting off
16:23And putting his feet in water
16:26Yeah
16:26They have a lung-like organ
16:28In their bodies
16:29These fighting fish
16:29Which means
16:30That they can breathe air
16:31And actually
16:33If we had enough
16:35Super saturated water
16:36With oxygen
16:37We would be able
16:38To breathe water
16:39And some people believe
16:40This is the future
16:41Of the human race
16:42For diving and space travel
16:44And things like that
16:44That we actually breathe water
16:46You do know after this
16:47I'm going to go home
16:48And drown
16:48No don't
16:52I take in bits
16:54Of what you say to me
16:55And then guarantee my family
16:57It's safe
16:58Stephen said
16:59I can breathe under water
17:03I am the future
17:07There's some earlier things
17:08I've recommended
17:08That you can certainly do
17:09But not the breathing of the water
17:11But the lukewarm milk
17:12Is fine
17:12You can try that
17:13Yeah
17:14I'd rather
17:16I'd rather just drink it
17:18What?
17:19Oh no
17:22Sorry
17:22Oh God
17:23Yes I understand
17:24So good
17:25When gourami appear to be kissing
17:28They're actually fighting
17:28What's so attractive
17:30About ordinary people
17:31Not the movie
17:33Which is a very fine movie
17:34Of course
17:34It's a massive
17:35Cars they drive
17:36The
17:38Buses
17:39Ordinary people drive buses
17:41What do you mean
17:42Ordinary people are on buses
17:43Yeah
17:45Is it symmetry?
17:46It's not quite symmetry
17:47This is known as
17:48Coenophilia
17:49And it seems that if you
17:50Take two not very good looking
17:52People and merge their
17:53Image
17:54People are more likely
17:55To be attracted to them
17:56And Dalton
17:57Who was a famous criminologist
17:58And was interested
17:59In the appearance of criminals
18:00Thought he would try
18:01And find the absolute criminal type
18:03By taking photographs of criminals
18:04And merging them
18:05And merging them
18:05And he was astonished to find
18:07The more he did so
18:07The more pleasant
18:08They appeared to be
18:10So you average out
18:12People's looks
18:13And we are more attracted
18:14To that
18:14It seems
18:15We've actually done
18:16A little merge
18:17Of some of our
18:18Friends around the table
18:18Just to show you
18:19How attractive you look
18:20When you put them together
18:21Oh yeah
18:23Ta-da
18:24Oh yeah
18:28It's Gene
18:29From Tenerife
18:30Oh no
18:31You do look like
18:32A tennis player
18:33With an open piano lid
18:35It's very nice
18:37And let's try the other two
18:41Oh my god
18:43Oh my god
18:46Oh my god
18:48Serial killer
18:49Let's not have two
18:51Police
18:52Police are currently looking
18:54There's something a bit odd
18:55About the eyes though
18:56It's from your photograph
18:58Donnie
18:58Just look like
18:59The biggest idiot
19:00In the world
19:02Someone took your photograph
19:03And did one of those
19:04You know
19:05Red eye
19:06Things
19:06No
19:07He looks like
19:07Someone who walked in
19:08And caught his parents
19:09Having sex
19:09And they didn't stop
19:12He was the sort of man
19:13The police say
19:14Oh he was quiet
19:14And was kept to himself
19:15Yes
19:16Yes he was a little
19:16He was just
19:18Alone
19:18Perfectly nice
19:19He used to cry a lot
19:19At Christmas
19:21Well as I say
19:22It's called
19:24Coenophilia
19:24And it is this theory
19:25Recent research
19:26From the Australian
19:27National University
19:28Suggests that good looking men
19:30Earn 22% more
19:32Than not good looking men
19:33Because they're attractive
19:34Yeah
19:35Because they're from Australia
19:36No no
19:37Within Australia
19:38They're all Australian
19:39Within Australia
19:39The 22% better looking percentage
19:42A study of female golfers
19:44Also found
19:45That they were better
19:46They shot lower scores
19:48And the theory is
19:49That they were more likely
19:50To have offers
19:52Of sponsorship
19:53And therefore just played
19:54That much harder
19:55Knowing how much money
19:56They would make
19:57But surely it's about confidence
19:58As well
19:58If you look in the mirror
19:59And you think
19:59Wow I'm a dish
20:01Then we get out
20:02And I can play golf
20:04Yeah I suppose that's right
20:05But if you look in the mirror
20:06And weep
20:07And think what
20:09Well I look in the mirror
20:10And I love it here
20:11Yeah and so you
20:12Bloody well should
20:13I never look in a mirror
20:14My partner's much taller than me
20:15And she put them all up
20:16So I have never
20:19I don't have neither's eye
20:21I have windows at street level
20:22And I just pretend
20:23I'm different people
20:24I just walk past
20:27At the same time
20:28And go
20:28Looking good today
20:31Let's get out to that meeting
20:33Quick while I've got
20:34That nice suit on
20:36Then I realise
20:36I'm wearing a bin bag
20:40Anyway moving on
20:41Now what would you keep
20:42In one of these
20:44I have one
20:46There it is
20:48Is it a
20:49A penis
20:51Your penis
20:52Is the right answer
20:53It usually is the right answer
20:55Is it from the
20:56Is it hollow
20:57Is it an African
20:58It's hollow obviously
20:58Otherwise you'd have trouble
21:00Is it from Africa
21:01It's not from Africa
21:02No
21:03Where is it from
21:03It's from Papua New Guinea
21:05It's what anteaters were
21:07When they're going to rob a post office
21:13It's just that little bit of disco
21:15Is that you Frank
21:16No
21:16Not you
21:18And it had been for Papua New Guinea
21:20And I've seen it wibbly wobbly
21:22They can be like this
21:23But oddly enough
21:25They're not worn for status
21:26They don't deliberately
21:27Have a big thick one like that
21:28In order to suggest
21:29Greater manhood
21:30They often have a thin
21:31Rather strangely trailing away
21:32One with a few hairs on the end
21:34Like this
21:34Exactly
21:35That was really confused
21:37Bugs Bunny
21:44I just want to be friends
21:45What's it made of
21:46It's a good
21:47It's a keenest good
21:48And it's a sort of relative
21:49Of the squash family
21:51I think isn't it
21:51I went to Papua New Guinea
21:53Amazing place
21:54It's fantastic
21:55And I was taken to this remote island
21:58On a boat
21:59And then they painted me with war paint
22:01And presented me with a pig
22:03And a pile of yams
22:05Oh
22:05And then they did these
22:07Good dances
22:08Brilliant
22:09Right at you
22:10Right at me
22:11They've dined on
22:12Yams and clams
22:14And human hams
22:14And vintage coconut wine
22:16The taste of which was filthy
22:17But the after effects divine
22:20I feel just like that
22:22In a taxi rank in Wigan
22:25For the monks
22:26The tribes
22:27That have these
22:28Kotikas as they're called
22:29Are
22:30In case there's any
22:30Members watching
22:31And I want to leave you out
22:32The Lani
22:33The Mi
22:33The Amungme
22:34The Camoro
22:35The Yali
22:35The Damal
22:36And the Moni
22:36And the government
22:37Tried to make them illegal
22:38And sent them all clothing
22:39And for so many generations
22:42They've gone without clothing
22:43And been totally nude
22:44Except for these penis cords
22:45The clothing actually gave them rashes
22:47And all they do now
22:49Is they use shorts
22:50Sometimes
22:50To put on their heads
22:52But they
22:52Continue to go naked
22:54I love the fact that when you read
22:55The tribes
22:56Help you
22:56You know
22:57Not to offend anyone
22:58That would be a brilliant
22:59Points of view
23:00When they turn up
23:01Yes it would
23:02Yes
23:03You missed out my tribe
23:04Yes
23:05In an otherwise
23:06Thoroughly enjoyable programme
23:08Exactly
23:08So why is it so difficult
23:10To research the sexual habits
23:11Of penguins
23:13They're very private
23:16It's not really that they're private
23:18It's cold
23:19It's cold certainly
23:19You see because it's graphic
23:21It's quite
23:22Well it used to be difficult
23:23To describe
23:24Because we used to be very prudish
23:25Yes
23:26I mean Scott's trip
23:28The Antarctic expedition
23:29Levick the scientist
23:31Wrote it all out in Greek
23:32He was so appalled
23:33Absolutely right
23:33He wrote it in ancient Greek
23:34Knowing that only a gentleman
23:35Would be able to translate it
23:37George Murray Levick
23:39Who was the naturalist
23:40On Scott's ill-fated expedition
23:42And he discovered
23:43What he called
23:44The astonishing depravity
23:46Of penguin behaviour
23:47Which include
23:48Rampant homosexuality
23:50Not just homosexuality
23:51But rampant
23:53Be fair
23:53In Antarctica
23:54There's nothing else to do
23:55But they're only right
23:57Necrophilia
23:57And I'm sorry to say pedophilia
23:58And on the night off
23:59They dress as pandas
24:04He's just muddies the water
24:06So he wrote his account
24:07In ancient Greek
24:08Absolutely right
24:09So that an educated
24:10English gentleman
24:10Would be the only person
24:11To understand it
24:12When we've got the penguins
24:13In the London Zoo
24:14Are they doing all this
24:15In full view of school parties
24:17They may well be
24:18His particular
24:20Species
24:22You've got to have
24:23You've got to go to the zoo a lot
24:25Before you go
24:25Not Kevin
24:28He's just worried
24:29There's penguins
24:30He's just worried
24:31Whether there's a warning
24:32Outside
24:33The penguin infosure
24:35How would you phrase that
24:37For visiting school parties
24:38Warning
24:39Penguin might be buggering
24:41Ante
24:41Oh god
24:44Stephen
24:44Maybe the cat tell
24:46Right
24:46And I'd just
24:48Don't go mad
24:49Any animal rights people
24:51Or anyone else
24:52But maybe
24:53If we
24:54If we
24:54Drug them
24:55And sex them
24:56And then we put
24:57Tiny bikinis
24:58On some of them
25:00Then
25:01Then the grown up penguins
25:02Can tell
25:03Who they should be
25:03Having sex with
25:04And who they shouldn't
25:05Bikinis
25:05A nun's habit
25:09That would confuse the priests
25:13But the Adelie penguins
25:15Were the kind that this man
25:16Looked at
25:17And it's now thought
25:18That his idea of necrophily
25:19Was probably wrong
25:21They were asleep
25:22Yeah
25:23They were
25:26A female lying there
25:27Dead
25:27With their eyes
25:28Sort of
25:29Like that
25:30Looked a bit like
25:30A come hither look
25:31To a penguin
25:32Yes
25:32They can't tell the difference
25:33Between a frozen dead one
25:34And a living one
25:35They look as if
25:35They're coming on to you
25:36If they're just lying there
25:37Dead
25:38I've had that experience
25:39Quite a bit
25:43It's actually very hard
25:44To sex a penguin
25:45By which I mean
25:46To determine its gender
25:47Not for them
25:48Give it that step
25:49Not for them
25:49They seem to know
25:50Instinctively
25:50Either by smell
25:51Or by some other thing
25:52One of the common ways
25:53Of being pretty sure
25:55Assuming it's a straight penguin
25:56Is muddy footprints
25:57On the female
25:58Tells you that it's a female
26:00Because it's been
26:01Walked on by the male
26:02The feminists are going
26:03To love this
26:04Well it's just
26:06Footprints
26:07On a woman
26:10After sex
26:12It's quite
26:12Amadovar though
26:13Isn't it
26:14If it's high heels
26:14But I don't think
26:15It is high heels
26:16In the case of penguins
26:17No
26:17You don't think
26:18I don't
26:18No
26:21I was trying
26:22To be sort of
26:22You know
26:23Not too assertive
26:24In my knowledge
26:25Their life is astounding
26:27I mean you can't
26:28Think they have drawn
26:28The short straw in life
26:29I mean the miserable
26:30Gold they have to endure
26:31For so so long
26:33Is it true
26:33They used to fall over
26:34During the Falklands
26:35Is that true
26:35Because I don't know
26:37Whether it's true or not
26:37But they were on
26:38Lots of planes came over
26:39Which they hadn't
26:40Oh yes that's right
26:41They went
26:41Oh
26:44It's unfortunately a myth
26:45It's not
26:45Oh it's not true
26:46It's a nice story
26:47But it's not true
26:48Can you imagine
26:49In the bird world
26:50If you introduce
26:51Postcodes
26:53Penguins would move
26:54Yes they would
26:55Yeah
26:56Somewhere warmer
26:57And bigger wings
26:58And
26:58Yeah
26:58I don't think
26:59They would want to move
27:00Because they've got flippers
27:01And
27:02Flat feet
27:03They want
27:03They need ice
27:04They're born for it
27:05They're not going to say
27:06I'm going to move
27:07To the Himalayas
27:08Or I'm going to move
27:09Somewhere
27:09You know what Janet
27:11You haven't thought
27:11This through
27:12Because mum
27:13They wouldn't know
27:14What a postcode is
27:16I tell them
27:18They can't fly
27:19And I doubt
27:20One of them
27:20Getting on a plane
27:22By themselves
27:23Acting casual
27:24After raping
27:25All the family
27:27I would imagine
27:28They'd be on a no flight
27:34I'm just saying
27:36In an ideal world
27:37Given the choice
27:38The penguins would go
27:39We've had the short
27:40End of the deal
27:41That was my point
27:42That's all I'm saying
27:43Don't turn this
27:45Into question
27:46You
27:48It's like being in a home
27:49To be elderly
27:49It really is
27:50A cuckoo
27:52Will come out
27:52They keep sucking me stuff
27:53Alright
27:54Alright
27:55Whatever
27:56Whatever
27:57Oh
27:59Wait I'm
28:00Heavy fish
28:02Wheel him into the
28:04Shut up Mr Penguin
28:07So
28:07Now
28:08How did a bunch of choir boys
28:10Plan to drive Hitler mad
28:15We've been very literal there
28:16There's Hitler
28:16In a straitjacket
28:17It's a plot
28:19I do know this
28:20Porn
28:20Pornography
28:21Pornography
28:22They were going to drive him mad
28:23With pornography
28:24That's the plan
28:25They had groups called the cowboys
28:28Who were behind us
28:30Enemy lines
28:30And the choir boys
28:31Were the people in Washington
28:32And they came up
28:33Bonkers
28:33All kinds of suggestions
28:35I mean
28:35We did too
28:36Founcing bombs
28:37Ridiculous
28:37And yet that was one that worked
28:38And Churchill chose the date
28:40Precisely in May 1943
28:42When the floods were at their full height
28:44In the dams
28:45And he was in Washington
28:46So that if it worked
28:47He could announce it
28:48And it would be the first royal invasion
28:50Into German territory
28:51That caused
28:51A massive difference
28:53And Lord Charwell
28:54His scientific advisor
28:55Said to him reportedly
28:57But what if it doesn't work
29:00And Churchill said
29:01Then no one will ever hear anything about it
29:03And that's the point about these mad schemes
29:06There were all these kind of
29:07You know really zany plans
29:08But most of them we don't know about
29:10And a lot of them were covered up
29:11And probably we never will
29:12We know about the ones that work
29:13This is one that didn't work
29:15But we do know about
29:16It was smut
29:16It was smut
29:17They were going to drop him smut
29:18All over Germany
29:20Well particularly
29:21To drive Hitler mad
29:22Over Bechtersgarten
29:23Where his residence
29:25So leaflets were going to cascade
29:27And it was going to drive him mad
29:29Absolutely
29:29The US Army Air Corps
29:31Described it as insane
29:32And refused to do it
29:33But it did have an important role
29:34To play pornography
29:35And of course these were ones
29:37That the Germans
29:38Dropped on the Allies
29:39Because they did the same thing
29:41Germans and Japanese
29:42We didn't have much of a
29:44Porno war effort
29:45In Britain
29:45We were squeamish
29:46The senior officers
29:47One was quoted saying
29:48You would rather lose the war
29:50Than take part
29:51Which is
29:52Extraordinary
29:53Air Marshal Sir Arthur
29:54Bomber Harris
29:55Didn't approve
29:56Said it was just like
29:56Sending them free
29:57Lavatory paper
29:58What does it say
29:59About our troops
30:00That the German troops
30:01Are willing to drop
30:02The pornography
30:03And I was like
30:03Well I'm not giving it away
30:07Keep it
30:08I like to think
30:08It was a more decent reason
30:09Than that Johnny
30:10Well sell it when we get back
30:12Dropping leaflets
30:13Was a big thing
30:14The first of the Danes
30:15Knew of the Germans
30:15Invading really
30:16Was that the leaflet
30:17Yes leaflet dropping
30:17In general
30:18It was a huge thing
30:19Absolutely right
30:20It was what
30:21Called a sort of
30:21Black op
30:22I suppose we call now
30:23Do you know
30:23You must know
30:24About the eavesdropping cat
30:25That the CIA
30:26Came up with
30:27Which is the most
30:28Brilliant idea
30:28They got this cat
30:30And they inserted a transmitter
30:32And the aerial was in its tail
30:35And this was in Moscow
30:38And the idea was
30:39It would walk past Russian spies
30:41Sitting on a bench
30:41And it would overhear
30:43And they spent millions
30:44On this cat
30:46And it was terrific
30:47And they'd worked it all out
30:48And on its very first outing
30:50It's the park
30:50He got hit by a taxi
30:53It was known as
30:54Acoustic Kitty
30:55That's right
30:56Acoustic Kitty
30:57Yeah
30:57Poor Acoustic Kitty
30:58The bouncing bomb
30:59Would be a war crime now
31:00Wouldn't it
31:01For the civilians killed
31:03There were a lot of civilians killed
31:04I don't know
31:05If it was a legitimate war target
31:06Or not
31:06In total war
31:06Really
31:07I don't think
31:07I think the saints
31:08They've agreed
31:08There was a very good story
31:10I came across
31:10When I was writing a script
31:11Of the Danbusters
31:12And there was one of the members
31:14Of one of the crews
31:15Which crashed
31:16After dropping its bomb
31:18And was picked up
31:19By the Germans
31:19And they were treated pretty well
31:21And one said
31:24What do you need
31:25You know
31:25According to the
31:25Lords of the Geneva Convention
31:27Are you thirsty or hungry
31:28I said
31:28A glass of water
31:29Would be lovely
31:30And he said
31:31Are you joking
31:31You have just destroyed
31:32Our water supply
31:33And that was the first time
31:35The guy realised
31:35That one of the bombs
31:36Had actually worked
31:36And that's how he found out
31:38That the Myrna had gone
31:39Was he saying
31:40There is no water
31:41Which is quite sweet
31:42In its own peculiar way
31:43Anyway
31:46One mad idea
31:48To win the war
31:48Was to use pornography
31:50To drive Hitler mad
31:51As if he wasn't ready
31:52So
31:53What is 80%
31:54Of the Kama Sutra about
31:55Back to kinky nurse
31:57Hygiene
31:57Hygiene
32:02Gymnastics
32:03Intercourse
32:04Oh dear Nino
32:07Well of course
32:08Can have other meanings
32:09Of course
32:09But no
32:10The fact is
32:10Only 20%
32:11Is about sex
32:12Most of it
32:13Is about all kinds
32:14Of other
32:15Fascinating subjects
32:15How to be a good citizen
32:17Insights into relationships
32:18Between men and women
32:19Tips on tattooing
32:20The art of making your bed
32:22Playing on musical glasses
32:24Which are filled with water
32:25Making lemonade
32:27Solving word puzzles
32:28Knowledge of mines and quarries
32:30The art of cockfighting
32:32No
32:34The art of teaching parrots
32:36And starlings to speak
32:38Nine pages devoted
32:39To the care of wives
32:40And 26 pages
32:42On how to seduce
32:43Other men's wives
32:44A bit strange
32:45I love this idea
32:46Of a child
32:47Setting up a lemonade stand
32:49Yes
32:49And saying
32:50Courtesy of the Kama Sutra
32:53Kama Sutra
32:55Of the book
32:55Yes
32:56Of 20% of the book
32:57Possibly
32:57There's very very little
32:58Starling chat
32:59I suspect
33:01I suspect
33:02You were getting a video
33:03Of 20% of the Kama Sutra
33:04Yeah
33:05The author was a celibate
33:06Indian sage
33:07So what he knew
33:08God just knows
33:09But he was called
33:10Vatsyayana
33:10And he lived sometime
33:12Between the 1st and 6th century
33:13Sometimes very cleverly
33:15There's a moral tone
33:16That distances itself
33:17Between what it tells you
33:18It says for example
33:19All oral sex is wrong
33:20It then spends pages and pages
33:22Of you telling you
33:23How to do it
33:24Now
33:25Who came up with
33:26A missionary position
33:27A missionary
33:28No
33:33What is the missionary position
33:34It's the approved position
33:35Yes
33:36By missionary
33:39Lady on the back
33:40Man on top
33:41Yeah
33:42It's a mistake made
33:42By the famous sexologist
33:45Kinsey
33:46Who named it
33:47Well it has been photoshopped
33:49Out of that picture
33:53Has Mrs. Kinsey been removed
33:56He of course wrote a book
33:57On the sexuality
33:57Of the American male
33:58And the American female
33:59All of which
34:00Shocked America
34:01Extraordinarily
34:02He for example
34:03Said that 96%
34:04Of American males
34:05Masturbate regularly
34:06And he was asked
34:07What the hell
34:07That said about the American male
34:09He said it says 4% lie
34:13But as far as the missionary position
34:14Is concerned
34:15It was an anthropologist
34:16Called Bronislav Malinowski
34:18Who described an engaged couple
34:20Holding hands
34:21And leaning against each other
34:22In what was known as
34:24Missionary
34:27And that was just
34:28Friendliness leaning on each other
34:30It was nothing to do
34:31With man on top sex
34:31He said it was introduced
34:33By white traders
34:34Planters or officials
34:35But never used the word missionary
34:36But it was Kinsey
34:38Who somehow just got it wrong
34:39Kinsey himself
34:40Was a very odd man
34:41He had an irrational hatred
34:43Of the potato
34:47Even chips
34:47And I guess all forms
34:49Of potatoes
34:50Do you know why?
34:51No it was irrational
34:52That's the point
34:52I was married to a man
34:54That had an irrational fear
34:55Of tomatoes
34:56There was a great big burly
34:58Film director
34:59Very macho blow
35:01But put a tomato
35:02In front of him
35:03And he'd start crying
35:04Day in day out
35:06Did that
35:13Do you know why?
35:14Did you know why?
35:15There's
35:16Irrational
35:19If there was a reason
35:21It would be a
35:22Rational fear
35:23Of tomatoes
35:24There's no such thing
35:24There's no such thing
35:24As a rational fear
35:25Of tomatoes
35:26That's the difference
35:27A rational fear
35:28Can have some starting point
35:30As a child
35:30A tomato
35:31Reared up at him
35:31Yeah
35:32All I knew is
35:33If I didn't want to have sex
35:34I had a tomato sandwich
35:35By the bed
35:36Very clever
35:37Always works
35:37Come on
35:38Watch at it
35:38Oh God
35:39Oh God
35:39There's a tomato sandwich
35:41Good night
35:46When Kinsey was nervous
35:48He would speak in a Scottish accent
35:50Although he was born and raised in New Jersey
35:51Oh God
35:52I don't know
35:53I don't know
35:53I don't know
35:54I'm afraid
35:54That's right
35:56And he trained himself to be able to insert pencils into his penis
36:00What do you mean into his penis?
36:02Into into the erythra
36:03I see
36:03He trained himself
36:04No
36:05He wouldn't shame anyone else would you to do that?
36:08No
36:08He might have put a sign up and then just thought
36:10Due to lack of applicants
36:14But not only a pencil
36:16A toothbrush
36:17Bristles first
36:18No
36:19You know what?
36:21Every year
36:21When his wife's going
36:22He's impossible to buy for
36:24And he's going
36:24A travel boat
36:27A pencil case
36:30I'm tired of carrying things round in me penis
36:33What about travel item?
36:35No
36:37His wife actually said
36:38I don't see much of Alfred
36:39Since he got interested in sex
36:41Which is a terribly sad thing for a wife to say of a husband
36:43But why he pushed things up his penis again
36:46Irrational
36:47I have no idea
36:48So anyway
36:49Which of these foods would give you the same number of calories
36:52As used in the average sex session?
36:55I don't think it's a lot of calories
36:56You don't think it's many calories?
36:57I think it's quite a lot
36:57You think it's a lot?
36:58You think it's pizza lot?
37:00I think it's about 400 calories
37:03400 calories
37:03Which would be a good pizza at least, wouldn't it?
37:05Maybe a slice of pizza
37:07Not a whole one
37:08Slice of pizza
37:08Yeah
37:09You think it's fewer?
37:10I'm going to go for the steak
37:10Well, it's interesting
37:12I'm going to go for the burger
37:13You'll have the burger
37:14I'll have a slice of tart
37:15You'll have a slice of tart?
37:17But without the bread?
37:19Without the bread
37:19And what about you?
37:20I like the courgette and the shrimp
37:21Because it's got quite a lot of possibilities
37:24Yes, that is a good book
37:24Well, David Allison
37:25Who is a biostatistician at the University of Alabama
37:28Looked into it
37:29And the average sex session takes only six minutes
37:33What? From beginning to end?
37:36So the amount of calories used would be 20
37:38That's about the same as one egg white
37:40Or a very small meringue
37:46You are?
37:47Does the six minutes include the bit where you watch the news?
37:51To see if you've made it on
37:53Well, you've done it
37:54Let's put the news on
37:56Kinsey showed that it is no easy task describing people's sex lives
37:59So these figures are obviously up for argument
38:012008 survey by Durex
38:03Who might be regarded as having a sort of vested interest
38:06As makers of
38:07Oh, that's the graduate, isn't it?
38:10The stage version
38:10She's got that look, hasn't she?
38:12She has
38:13That was a disappointment
38:14Quite clearly
38:14That was half of the end
38:16Are you trying to seduce me, Mrs. Robinson?
38:18Anyway, Durex reported the average Briton enjoys 22 and a half minutes of foreplay
38:24While another survey at around the same time in men's health claimed that
38:27British men only last 18.64 minutes from foreplay to climax
38:32So if we level out those different statistics
38:35We could argue the British men take
38:36In terms of actual intercourse itself
38:38Minus 3.86 minutes
38:43In the Second World War, they used condoms to protect the ends of the rifle
38:47In the North, in the final attack from Norway
38:49It was hugely successful
38:49So successful that they decided they could do with some for their 18-inch guns
38:53And special condoms were manufactured by
38:55Is this the Churchill story?
38:56Yes, by Durex, I think
38:57But tell it again
38:59No, no, it's just Churchill insisted that they be sent out in boxes marked for British service personnel use only
39:05Size small
39:06Yeah
39:08He added, that'll show him who's the master race
39:13Fantastic, isn't it?
39:19So
39:21If you want to work off the weight gain by eating a tiny meringue, sex should do it
39:25Now it's time for one of my knick-knacks, a little scientific experiment
39:29And all I have to do, yes, I know it's terribly exciting, isn't it
39:32Is bring up this
39:34I don't know if you can see in here
39:35Tiny little grains of a little kind of crystalline matter
39:40And a bottle here
39:42Salt and vinegar?
39:43Oh, it looks like salt and vinegar
39:44And bizarrely, that is what is used for flavouring salt and vinegar, sodium acetate
39:49It's got caustic soda and vinegar, which is what makes sodium acetate
39:52And it's then dissolved slowly in water
39:54It's very unstable
39:55If I shook it, it would instantly crystallise
39:56So I'm going to be very careful about this
39:58But if you add it to crystals, it also crystallises
40:01And I hope to make a dildo for you
40:03Oh, good
40:03A dildo just out of this liquid
40:05I'm going to stand up to do it if the camera allows me to
40:08Because it needs a steady hand
40:09And I need to keep rising as I'm slowly pouring
40:12It's a bit like making mayonnaise
40:13You know, very slowly adding, adding the
40:16It's nothing like making mayonnaise
40:17No, you very slowly
40:19You're making a phallus
40:20You very, no, no, in terms of the making
40:23This could really Mother's Day for some people
40:26Slowly pour it
40:27Can you see there's a tiny bit of crystal on there?
40:29It's a really very, very small amount
40:31Okay, here we are
40:32I've got a steady, slow stream
40:35Let's just hope it works
40:47It's a snowmantle, though
40:51We're walking in the
40:58We're going to land for just a while
41:03Snowmantle needs his private time
41:09Get off me back
41:11It's not very easy to do
41:13I've got to keep doing higher
41:14Otherwise it'll touch itself
41:15And then it will blow back into the bottle
41:17Well, there you go
41:28It's exothermic nucleation
41:30For the science heads out there
41:32It's slightly warm
41:33It feels rather gorgeous
41:34And, um, I mean
41:38It's a nice
41:38It made one earlier
41:41It's a nice consistency
41:42It's not poisonous
41:43It's not dangerous
41:44But it's a wonderful effect, isn't it?
41:45It's gorgeous
41:46Yeah, there you are
41:48It's not an absolutely perfect dildo
41:50But it looks
41:50What's disturbing is it?
41:51It looks like
41:51Yes
41:52Exactly
41:53So that was the super-saturated sodium acetate knick-knack
41:58And these are the final scores
42:00And for possibly the first time
42:02We have three people on plus scores
42:05It's thrilling
42:06What?
42:06The winner, with 11, is Sandy Toksvig
42:08In a very, very fine second place
42:16With three points is Johnny Vegas
42:21And with a shatteringly impressive plus two
42:24Janet Street-Porter
42:27Brilliant
42:28And the only one plunging into sub-zero conditions
42:32I'm afraid is Alan Davis with minus 15
42:42So, it's goodnight from Sandy, Johnny, Janet, Alan and me
42:47Be very, very special with yourselves
42:48Goodbye
42:49Bye
42:49Bye
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