- 2 days ago
First broadcast 28th February 2004.
A priceless porcelain statue of the ancient Shinto monk Sikoto-no vanishes from a small town museum under impossible circumstances.
Bamber Gascoigne - Presenter
Michael Cochrane - Owen Glendower
Alan Davies - Jonathan Creek
Stuart Milligan - Adam Klaus
Alex Lowe - Alan Tunstall
Brenda Cowling - Mrs. Thrimpson
Alice Patten - Gillian Bailey/Dawn
Celia Imrie - Thelma Bailey
Julia Sawalha - Carla Borrego
Joanna Brookes - Autograph Woman
David Morris - Leo Laughton-Jones
Tudor Hassett - Young Owen
Katy Walker - Young Thelma
Bob Mercer - Callum
Vito Mingolla - Sex Shop Shopkeeper
Sidney Cole - Witchdoctor
Chris Mansfield - Police Sergeant
A priceless porcelain statue of the ancient Shinto monk Sikoto-no vanishes from a small town museum under impossible circumstances.
Bamber Gascoigne - Presenter
Michael Cochrane - Owen Glendower
Alan Davies - Jonathan Creek
Stuart Milligan - Adam Klaus
Alex Lowe - Alan Tunstall
Brenda Cowling - Mrs. Thrimpson
Alice Patten - Gillian Bailey/Dawn
Celia Imrie - Thelma Bailey
Julia Sawalha - Carla Borrego
Joanna Brookes - Autograph Woman
David Morris - Leo Laughton-Jones
Tudor Hassett - Young Owen
Katy Walker - Young Thelma
Bob Mercer - Callum
Vito Mingolla - Sex Shop Shopkeeper
Sidney Cole - Witchdoctor
Chris Mansfield - Police Sergeant
Category
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TVTranscript
00:00:00Thank you for your attention.
00:00:30Central to the creed of Shinto, for centuries indigenous to the ancient empire of Japan,
00:00:43was a belief in divine transcendency through death.
00:00:47That all men laid to rest within their tomb, among the icons and artifacts thought to embody
00:00:53their very essence as mortal beings, would, within a generation of deceased, shed fire
00:00:59finally all earthly trappings and rise again as gods, ambivalent entities or Kami, who would
00:01:08thenceforth walk the earth on missions both benign and destructive.
00:01:15And among the high priests of the Nara period, legendary was the name of Sikuto Nu, in life
00:01:23a quixotic shaman with the power to both charm and terrify.
00:01:26His life and works largely unknown to Western culture until the late 19th centuries, when
00:01:32his tomb, long buried beneath the foothills of Mount Hie, disgorged a mouth-watering stash
00:01:39of treasures.
00:01:41Chief among them this remarkably preserved porcelain likeness of the mystic monk himself, seen
00:01:46by many new ages today as a source of peace and transcendental oneness, by others as a
00:01:52rather malevolent-looking homunculus of more sinister design.
00:01:57And I'm bound to ask its present owner, Mr. Owen Glendower, better known to us all, of
00:02:01course, as the nation's foremost gastronomic guru, to which theory he subscribes.
00:02:05Oh, I'm quite convinced he's a wrong one.
00:02:07Look at the eyes, positively glowing with evil.
00:02:11But then, of course, he's not used to being out in the light.
00:02:14A piece like this, sadly, I have to keep locked away most of the time.
00:02:17One of the curses with such a priceless treasure.
00:02:20Do I hear he is about to make a rare public appearance?
00:02:22For one month only, yes, in a little museum in Harbington, South Buckinghamshire, where
00:02:27I was born.
00:02:28Hopefully, he'll raise their profile and bring in some much-needed revenue.
00:02:31I'm sure it'll be a star attraction.
00:02:33Eight centuries of myth and metaphysics from the Far East.
00:02:37The porcelain statue of Sikoto Noh.
00:02:39Owen Glendower, many thanks.
00:02:41My pleasure.
00:02:42That's great.
00:02:43Sure.
00:02:44Thank you very much.
00:02:45Okay, is that a wrap?
00:02:46Okay, mark one.
00:02:47That's all right.
00:02:48Yeah, check it.
00:02:49Wrap, everybody.
00:02:50Have a nice stand.
00:02:51That must have set you back a few cookery books.
00:02:53I'm amazed you've edged out of the house.
00:02:54Well, one must put something back where one can.
00:02:57Rest assured, security tomorrow morning will be airtight.
00:03:02The chances of anyone spiriting this away from under my nose are absolutely zero.
00:03:13And a case like this, as far as I can see, is completely without precedent.
00:03:17So, you know, the poor woman's whole quality of life now.
00:03:21We're talking, well, zombie here really.
00:03:24Okay.
00:03:25What are you telling me?
00:03:26She's watching me.
00:03:27She's watching me on TV.
00:03:29Hypnotizing this guy on a TV screen.
00:03:32And the next thing you know, she's...
00:03:35I mean.
00:03:36I'm afraid the humor of this tragedy is somewhat lost on me, Mr. Klaus.
00:03:41You have these dangerous powers.
00:03:42Did you think twice about how you use them?
00:03:44Oh, come on.
00:03:45They're tricks, man.
00:03:46What do you think?
00:03:47I got lasers coming out of my eyes?
00:03:49Look, Mrs. Thrimson, I gotta give you marks for trying here, because, I mean, 25 minutes
00:03:55right, she hasn't cracked.
00:03:57So, how about this?
00:03:58Two tickets to the show, you and your husband, my guests.
00:04:02I mean, never let it be said that I don't reward originality.
00:04:12Mrs. Thrimson, when I snap my fingers on the count of three, you will come out of the trance.
00:04:22One, two, three.
00:04:30Mrs. Thrimson, will you wake the hell up?
00:04:36What is it with the public?
00:04:38They just can't stand the fact you're richer than they are.
00:04:41They just gotta get a piece of the action.
00:04:43I mean, she is faking it, right?
00:04:45Very convincingly.
00:04:47Question is, how long could she keep it up?
00:04:50Oh, because this has got to be a joke.
00:04:52Compensation to the husband for loss of marital relations.
00:04:57In case you'll be paying me.
00:04:59Jeez.
00:05:04So, where'd you say we're dropping you?
00:05:06Soho Square.
00:05:07Oh, yeah, that'd be handy, thanks.
00:05:09Invite to the launch of Mrs. Baxter's new fitness video.
00:05:13Might be good for a giggle.
00:05:15Oh, just to warn you, she may be giving you a call later to try and rope you into this new show they're doing.
00:05:20Animal Farm.
00:05:22Anything from George Orwell now, apparently, is being snapped up as a ratings winner on the back of Big Brother and Room 101.
00:05:29So, big load of crap you can't imagine.
00:05:32Celebrities are put into a pigsty for seven days to see if they can live like animals.
00:05:36And how sad you've got to be to want to roll around in mud for a week with a nurse from Casualty.
00:05:45You'll live to regret it. I'm telling you now.
00:05:48On the other hand, Jonathan, people get to see you as a real person, right?
00:05:53Gentle, self-effacing, vulnerable.
00:05:57Sometimes, you've got to go for the sympathy vote.
00:06:27There we go, right on time.
00:06:36Good morning.
00:06:37Thelma Bailey, I'm the museum's manageress.
00:06:40And my daughter, Gillian, will be accompanying you on the collection.
00:06:44I think it's fair to say we're a little nervous this morning.
00:06:46I'm sure it'll all go like clockwork.
00:07:14You're a little nervous this morning.
00:07:23Thank you so much.
00:07:25Bye.
00:07:26Bye.
00:07:27Bye.
00:07:28Bye.
00:07:34Bye.
00:07:38Bye.
00:07:39Bye.
00:07:40Bye.
00:07:41They can never do it justice, can they?
00:07:58All the photos and illustrations.
00:08:03But how?
00:08:05So strong one can feel it.
00:08:11Nigimitama, the divine force of the Shintugani.
00:08:32Many will come here to meditate, one-to-one to find peace.
00:08:37To be the first would be a rare privilege.
00:08:41The risk of sounding odd.
00:08:43Would you mind terribly if I had a quiet moment?
00:09:11Oh, my God!
00:09:25Mother, what happened?
00:09:30What on earth?
00:09:31Just sitting here.
00:09:31I closed my eyes one minute before I opened them again.
00:09:34It was...
00:09:35Someone would have taken it.
00:09:36What do you mean?
00:09:38Someone must have come in here.
00:09:39Mother, no one came in.
00:09:41We would have seen them.
00:09:42I mean, this is totally impossible.
00:09:45Check the doors and windows.
00:09:46There.
00:09:47Yeah, check again.
00:09:47There we go.
00:10:10Enjoy.
00:10:11Hello.
00:10:12Hello.
00:10:19So, you made an all-important transition then.
00:10:23From crime coverage to popular calisthenics.
00:10:27It's one lube-bit candy.
00:10:28He never quite pulled off, did he?
00:10:31He seems to be going quite well.
00:10:33Assisted by our cross-promotional strategy with a leading cosmetics firm.
00:10:38With every video, a set of delicately scented face wipes.
00:10:41Because it may get a bit sticky once you're up to speed.
00:10:43Okay?
00:10:44Lots of luck with it then.
00:10:45Have fun.
00:10:46You're not serious.
00:10:47Excuse me?
00:10:48Hello.
00:10:48You two can shed pounds with my triple whammy.
00:10:52Just follow me on screen and simply stretch, squeeze and shake it on.
00:10:58What's your point?
00:10:59Apart from a few dim-witted plumpers with more money than cents,
00:11:03who do you think mainly buys these things?
00:11:06If you're insinuating what I think you're insinuating,
00:11:10I haven't a clue what you're insinuating.
00:11:13All I'm saying, you've got a tape like this in the shops with a free box of tissues.
00:11:16May not give off the signals you intend.
00:11:20Would I trouble you, Miss Borrego?
00:11:22Yes, surely.
00:11:24There you go.
00:11:26Oh, I haven't put your name.
00:11:27Oh, that's fine.
00:11:28It's actually for my nephew.
00:11:30What he'd really love, I know this is embarrassing,
00:11:33would be to have his photo taken with you.
00:11:36Maybe sitting on your knee?
00:11:38No problem.
00:11:39Great.
00:11:40Come on then, Darren, if you're quick.
00:11:46I'm sorry.
00:11:50It could be this way.
00:11:51Oh, the Greek.
00:11:54Sorry?
00:11:55Buckingham, chef?
00:11:57I suppose I could...
00:12:00Sort of disappearing trick.
00:12:05I was back there.
00:12:10Now, it'll save your time and mine, I think, if I truncate.
00:12:15The figurine left my house at 9.27am,
00:12:18placed under my supervision in a box inside a locked steel case,
00:12:23which was handcuffed to two armed couriers and conveyed to this building.
00:12:28The security staff, incidentally, were all appointed by myself
00:12:31and of impeccable credentials.
00:12:34Safe arrival was verified by the senior officer in this room
00:12:37before it was passed to the curator,
00:12:40who appears to have gone into some kind of trance in this thing here,
00:12:44before the piece then vanished into thin air,
00:12:47the most priceless Nara period ceramic this side of Kyoto.
00:12:50I mean, it is beyond value, sir.
00:12:52I know he doesn't look much,
00:12:59but you'd be amazed at the results.
00:13:01A few days from now, I guarantee he'll be able to tell you
00:13:03exactly who stole your statue.
00:13:06Well, give the man a biscuit.
00:13:10Miss Borrego, I know damn well who stole it.
00:13:13I just want the bloody thing back.
00:13:17This woman, Felmer Bailey, had been pestering me for months.
00:13:20What a boost it would be for the community.
00:13:24A real cultural shot in the arm.
00:13:26Well, against all my instincts, I agreed.
00:13:30And of course, walked straight into her trap.
00:13:34Well, can't you see?
00:13:35What she's pulled off here is a very clever conjuring trick.
00:13:40On stage, hidden from view for what?
00:13:42No more than a minute?
00:13:43She performs the impossible.
00:13:45Playing me for a complete sucker.
00:13:47Well, we'll find out how she managed it.
00:13:54And hopefully, we'll be on the way to retrieving my property.
00:14:00But I won't be holding my breath anyway.
00:14:04You've got my number.
00:14:13Sorry, would you be Jillian?
00:14:27I'm Carla Borrego, and this is Jonathan Creek.
00:14:31We're doing a bit of legwork for Mr Glendower, and...
00:14:33And he told you the same as he told the police?
00:14:36That my mother engineered it all?
00:14:38By witchcraft or something?
00:14:40I mean, all I know, that statue just basically evaporated.
00:14:43If you'd been here, I'd tell you, you'd have completely freaked out.
00:14:46So, where is Mrs Bailey now?
00:14:49Could we speak to her?
00:14:50You can speak to her.
00:14:52Whether she can speak to you is another matter.
00:14:55About an hour after all this happened,
00:14:58her whole face began to swell up into these...
00:15:01like, horrible wheels.
00:15:04And her voice began to crack as if she...
00:15:08Oh, I don't know.
00:15:10Was possessed by...
00:15:13demons.
00:15:16Yes, thank you for that, then.
00:15:18Can't you see my mother's at death's door?
00:15:20How would you like a sniffer dog up your nightdress?
00:15:25Bready man.
00:15:27Anyway, as you can see, they found nothing.
00:15:29But if you'd like to go on...
00:15:31The thing is, I'm not very good with facial disfigurement.
00:15:34Skin eruptions, weeping sores.
00:15:38Maybe if I just wait down here while you two...
00:15:40Fair enough.
00:15:42The doctor said it was like some extreme form of nettle rash.
00:15:46But I can't think why that would be.
00:15:49Still, at least you're looking a bit better now.
00:15:52Your body perhaps going into shock after what happened.
00:15:55You should have seen me before the antihistapid, Mr. Creek.
00:15:59This whole side of my face was an asthma...
00:16:02Yes, I could, um, use your toilet at all.
00:16:08It's just at the end there.
00:16:12So, have I got this right, Mrs. Bailey?
00:16:14Your eyes were closed the whole time,
00:16:17like in a state of meditation.
00:16:20And that was for what, about a minute or so?
00:16:22Isn't it bizarre?
00:16:25And how odd that I didn't even hear anything.
00:16:30I mean, what with all that?
00:16:32And then those wretched policemen descending on us.
00:16:36It's been a complete nightmare.
00:16:39Making me feel like I'm not.
00:16:41Making me feel like I'm dying.
00:17:04See you later.
00:17:07We'll see you later.
00:17:07Sorry, Mary.
00:17:07I'm flying.
00:17:08I'm flying.
00:17:08Excuse me.
00:17:09I think your colleagues have all gone now, actually.
00:17:30He must have made a packet, then, out of all this.
00:17:35I mean, to afford all that stuff.
00:17:37A cult of celebrity.
00:17:40A powerful marketing tool.
00:17:43Move from one set of gods to another.
00:17:48How true.
00:17:50Yes, it puts it all into perspective, I suppose, doesn't it?
00:17:53What a few souffles can buy for you.
00:17:55We're obviously all in the wrong business.
00:18:02A lovely view, Mrs Bailey.
00:18:04You lived her all your life.
00:18:06As it happens.
00:18:07Single, married, and single again.
00:18:10Sadly, Mr Bailey is no longer with us.
00:18:13He's with a bus conductress in Woking.
00:18:16But yes, I think I owe my sanity to Gorgons Wood.
00:18:21Five decades now, it's been my spiritual retreat from life.
00:18:25All this world and its worries.
00:18:29All this world and its worries.
00:18:30Gorgons Wood.
00:18:32Named on account of the carvings of these horrid little faces on a big beech tree right in the middle.
00:18:38Mother thinks they're quaint.
00:18:39I find them deeply disturbing.
00:18:40Look, I wish there was more I could tell you about all this that would help, but...
00:18:44Don't worry, Mrs Bailey.
00:18:47It may be you've told us quite enough.
00:18:49Do you fancy a walk?
00:18:52As to how she did it, that's your department, but you have to say she's pushing it with that meditation routine.
00:18:58Fairly obviously, as the number one suspect, she's not going to risk keeping this thing in her house.
00:19:02So the minute she gets back, where does she hide it?
00:19:06Somewhere in a bloody great wood.
00:19:08A wood, remember, with a very well-known focal point.
00:19:11And how likely is it that if we find some nearby nettles or lethal vegetation
00:19:16that could have caused her face to explode like that, we'll also find our buried treasure?
00:19:21You've got this all worked out, haven't you?
00:19:24I've given it a bit of thought.
00:19:31I suppose you're going to come out with some oddball observation now
00:19:35that appears to have nothing to do with anything.
00:19:38Not at all.
00:19:39Though you might want to ponder the significance of Engelbert Humperdinck
00:19:42and the rock group Jethro Tull in this curious affair.
00:19:45Might I?
00:19:46Which suggests something so obvious, I don't know why I didn't see it from the word go.
00:19:49Maybe you're just getting old and rusty.
00:19:51That's the way we're here.
00:19:52Jethro Tull.
00:19:53I'm going to wait a little bit before my time.
00:19:56Where did all that spring from?
00:19:58No.
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00:20:47and yet weird I don't know someone must have had some patience oh what do we
00:20:58have here go to looks like some sort of directions East 19 what do you think
00:21:09that's got to mean something what possibly does this mean even more what if
00:21:25somewhere around here there was some ancient hidey hole that certainly people
00:21:31who've been coming to this wood all their lives would definitely know about which
00:21:35ways East let's say it means the 19th tree from this one well will you not go
00:21:49waltzing off like Jim Hawkins just remember where we are in a little place
00:21:54called the real world quite clearly there's been some woodpeckers or
00:21:58something have got at this over the years which I suggest means we're not seeing
00:22:01the complete original inscri-
00:22:15you must be Jonathan Creek
00:22:17my god what happened
00:22:18what a hand getting up
00:22:20thank you no
00:22:21a vertical position's absolutely the worst thing
00:22:25sciatica
00:22:27oh tell me about it I've had that it's not funny like someone slicing into your
00:22:31thigh with a razor probably needs a bit of traction
00:22:34I was just framing up on a spotted flycatcher
00:22:40bent cover I suppose to get a better shot
00:22:44oh that'll do it every time if you've got a back problem
00:22:46I mean whereabouts do you live is it far from here
00:22:51now did I get the impression you were expecting us mister um well yes of course
00:22:57what I saw in the news a puzzle like this one
00:23:00your presence was inevitable sooner or later
00:23:04now if you'll make a sharp right at the next cedar
00:23:07straight on the harbour now
00:23:10I can't tell you how much I appreciate it
00:23:15there we are that's just as I thought your piriformis has gone into spasm
00:23:19trapping the nerve you want to get yourself to a good chiropractor
00:23:23in the meantime there's a little thing I can try to help loosen it up but
00:23:30you might just want to bite on this for a count of three
00:23:35and three two one
00:23:42maybe just a bit longer
00:23:43forgive my friends overzealous concern for your health
00:23:51be glad it wasn't a prostate problem
00:24:04it was fortuitous we should meet today mr creek
00:24:25in more ways than one
00:24:27you see a talent to recall facts and faces runs in my family
00:24:32i have as it happens an unusually large brain
00:24:36inherited from my grandfather
00:24:38and there are shall we say
00:24:40darker recesses to this mystery i may be able to help you with
00:24:46you've been to see our famous tree of course
00:24:49which you'll have realized by now is not unconnected with the problem
00:24:54well
00:24:56there's certainly another angle to all this i'm only just starting to see
00:25:01it began with those old albums in her bedroom
00:25:04a singer and a rock band both took the name of slightly obscure figures from history
00:25:11ingebert humperdinck composer and jethro tull who invented the seed drill
00:25:15and suddenly i'm remembering another owen glendower
00:25:20welsh warlord in the 1300s who led a revolt against henry the fourth
00:25:27i'm thinking this is probably not the name our celebrity chef was born with
00:25:33and you put that signature of his against the letters in the tree
00:25:40okay it's hardly conclusive but there's something very distinctive about those g's
00:25:44it all suggests to you the two people who carved their initials there a long time ago
00:25:53may just have shared the same surname
00:25:57thalma ogden as she was then
00:26:01had a brother
00:26:05six o'clock of a spring evening
00:26:10many's the time i'd be cycling home that way from the bakery
00:26:14one of those g's
00:26:31young gordon where that talent came from god only knows it just seemed to pour out of him
00:26:44one day he had to find fame and fortune i think no one doubted
00:27:07but the way it happened wasn't pretty
00:27:19when their parents parted company so did they
00:27:22divided up like spoils of war
00:27:25little boy whisked off to the big city with his father
00:27:28little girl left behind to comfort her embittered mother overnight brother and sister no more
00:27:40young minds filled with poison
00:27:43but it is only tell her from that date alice
00:27:47so we're looking at what major sibling rivalry here
00:27:53by tricking him out of that statue she gets to rub his nose in it big time
00:27:57as you say mr creek names can be changed to bury the past but for those of us who remember
00:28:07it will always be gordon's one
00:28:10i think i really can feel a difference miss moraga from what you did is amazing
00:28:18you're obviously a keen student of anatomy well
00:28:22i get a lot of stick for it but you remember i said to you i had an unusually large brain yes
00:28:27i'd like you to have it as a token of thanks it's only gathering dust around this place and i feel you will give it a good home
00:28:35i think i can't believe it's a token
00:28:37jillian
00:28:42jillian
00:28:46jillian
00:29:05with the view to minimizing the distress this is going to cause my client and especially her
00:29:17husband may I suggest we proceed as swiftly as possible
00:29:35we may as well face it Adam she's good I just can't see any way we're gonna get her to crack so
00:29:46how's it going here anyway how's it going I'm crawling around in a pigsty that's how it's going
00:29:59living like a pig in pig shit in a pigsty among what are laughingly called celebrities
00:30:07did you ever see one of these nobodies before in your life I mean this is more pork than anyone
00:30:19has a right to hey you can blow me too bozo looking right on my face that long from the get-go
00:30:25back to nature and all that I'm sure you'll emerge with all a more rounded person
00:30:32you have no idea do you what they're putting us through here in the name of entertainment
00:30:39I'm drinking pig's milk Jonathan I'm sure it's not that bad
00:30:43no no I'm drinking pig's milk straight from the pig
00:30:48we gotta be sick as a society to want to watch this stuff
00:30:54okay that's the moment you've all been waiting for breakfast time
00:30:59another ratings winner there then Eric Blair king of the reality format
00:31:17what's next celebrity suicides leaping to their death off Wigan pier
00:31:23now I think we're just being silly aren't we anyway that's my lot for today if you had
00:31:29promised to be nice to me I was going to invite you over for lunch thought we might give one of
00:31:32these a try all right with hubby away in Edinburgh all week sure you can trust me
00:31:37you look at the rubbish you sticks in these things every additive known to man
00:31:51instead of ingredients it looks more like a set of log tables God only knows what it does to your inside
00:31:56oh my god
00:32:02what I've just realized the vanishing statue how she did it and the ridiculous thing is I've known for four days when we were there in her bedroom
00:32:13she as good as showed it to us the whole secret to the trick just never meant anything until now
00:32:18yes do I get to share in this breakthrough at all you want to drive us back there
00:32:22I'll think about it I can give you two minutes but I mean what sort of details I've told you everything I know
00:32:30well not quite mrs. Bailey there's peripheral stuff like the fact that Owen Glendower
00:32:36nay Gordon Ogden is actually your brother though you both seem quite keen to bury the fat
00:32:43but more crucially I thought you might be ready to come clean now I don't know how you made a 12 inch
00:32:48statue disappear into thin air because we think we know now where it went you certainly get points for ingenuity
00:32:55you know I suppose I was searched at the time with considerable vigor
00:33:00it's what on earth you think I could have done with it
00:33:02I think what you did with it is easy bit isn't it mrs. Bailey
00:33:05you ate it
00:33:08how's your face looking now seems to have died down whatever it was
00:33:13something that disagreed with you maybe
00:33:16look if you've nothing sensible to say
00:33:19yeah I think we all know three pounds of porcelain's hardly going to slip down
00:33:22but that's not what we're talking about here is it
00:33:25exactly where the switch came I've been trying to figure
00:33:29but we know that when that guy checked it on arrival it was genuine article
00:33:34which means you couldn't have done it without your daughter's help
00:33:37but what's gloriously ironic here of course
00:33:40is the whole idea came from him
00:33:44page in one of those books I evidently logged the other day without realising
00:33:49how to make an edible toy that involved I don't know some kind of magic mixture
00:33:58that's poured into a mold to produce a couple of crisp candy shells
00:34:02like the outside of an M&M
00:34:05now put them together you've got a nice little novelty item for parties
00:34:10but of course if you're careful how you hold it
00:34:12you only need the front half of that shell to make everyone think they're seeing the real thing
00:34:17get yourself an accurate impression of the original and you're in business
00:34:21you won't be surprised to hear probably
00:34:27that was all down to Gillian
00:34:30since you seem to know all about us
00:34:34of course I had to get her to set it all up
00:34:38even to have left me through the front door
00:34:41nice to see you please
00:34:44coming
00:34:45there he is
00:34:50here he is
00:34:51he is
00:34:53you
00:34:53you
00:34:54you
00:34:55you
00:35:11you
00:35:23Yes, I'm not exactly wracked with guilt about it, Mr. Creek.
00:35:27Having seen the pompous, avaricious pinch-fist he grew up into,
00:35:32I felt he could spare a little family maintenance.
00:35:35Well, something thought I had this morning about food additives.
00:35:39One thing you hadn't bargained for was a reaction to all the colouring she used.
00:35:43A whole bunch of E numbers, one of which your body didn't take to at all.
00:35:49Yes, well, it's certainly blown up in my face, all this, in more ways than one.
00:35:56I can't remember now how long it took her, but yes, the result was impressive.
00:36:08The way it worked inside the box,
00:36:29it was just room, more or less, for one to sit inside the other.
00:36:36Two lids, identical, top and bottom.
00:36:44Who was going to notice which way up she was carrying it?
00:36:47Nigimitama, the divine force of the Shintokami.
00:37:09You knew, I suppose, where we'd hit her.
00:37:39She had hidden it, in the wood, till the police had been.
00:37:44Well, she went out again that afternoon to collect it.
00:37:49Never returned.
00:37:51Four days now.
00:37:53I haven't seen Hyde nor hair of her.
00:37:55What, you're saying she's gone?
00:37:57She's gone.
00:37:58The statue's gone.
00:38:01Oh, I've really been hung out to dry.
00:38:04You want the whole sordid picture?
00:38:06When I went to look for her that night,
00:38:16I found this.
00:38:17It belongs to a local birdwatcher.
00:38:20I gather you met.
00:38:22Says he dropped it that afternoon,
00:38:24but has no knowledge at all.
00:38:28What's on the last few seconds of the tape?
00:38:30Suddenly it was too gross to even think about it.
00:38:57Deep down I knew I was him.
00:39:09With his own sister's daughter.
00:39:15And how could she possibly?
00:39:17Well, any doubts I might have had
00:39:24when I confronted him.
00:39:28You!
00:39:28You are nothing but scum!
00:39:31You're gone!
00:39:32My own niece.
00:39:34I think I've laid a finger on that.
00:39:37Don't you dare find pretend!
00:39:39Look at you!
00:39:40I mean, this is the most preposterous...
00:39:46What unspeakable sins were his eyes confessing?
00:39:52Oh, no, there's no question at all.
00:39:56What they'd been up to.
00:39:58Of course he swears blind that she hasn't been there.
00:40:02And the truth of it, Mr. Creek,
00:40:03I don't know what to think.
00:40:08Maybe she's double-crossed us both.
00:40:10Gone off now to find some dealer somewhere.
00:40:15I started going through her organiser.
00:40:17Files, what have you.
00:40:20Looking for a name, anything.
00:40:23Contact or...
00:40:25The only thing I found that was slightly odd
00:40:27on this piece of paper, an address
00:40:30with just the letter D on it.
00:40:35But...
00:40:37Funny, isn't it?
00:40:40Suddenly, only one thing matters.
00:40:43The only thing I'd ever cared about.
00:40:47Now I've lost her.
00:40:52I suppose I couldn't even dare to ask
00:40:54if you'll help.
00:41:00What did she say?
00:41:02The one with the bird's nest.
00:41:09Fair to say we wouldn't have stumbled on this in a hurry.
00:41:13So she seduced him.
00:41:15God.
00:41:17Her own uncle.
00:41:19To get him to play ball in the first place.
00:41:22Then as soon as she's pulled off this stunt
00:41:24with her mother,
00:41:26she does the dirty on her as well
00:41:27and legs it with the loot.
00:41:28Having first come out here
00:41:30for a quick one in the woods
00:41:31for the guy she must clearly detest.
00:41:34Sorry, that's too messy.
00:41:37If it comes to that,
00:41:39who do we suppose was also here
00:41:41filming the mattox?
00:41:42The answer to that, I suspect, is nobody.
00:41:46Say that camcorder was on pause record
00:41:48when the old guy dropped it into that bush.
00:41:51Later on, it just happens to fall out again.
00:41:53Pause button gets knocked,
00:41:55runs onto the end of the tape.
00:41:56Otherwise, why leave it behind?
00:41:57I suppose that makes sense.
00:42:08But what doesn't make sense
00:42:10is this.
00:42:12four holes?
00:42:19Certainly weren't here last time we looked.
00:42:22I'm no ornithologist,
00:42:25but I'd say there's no way
00:42:26these were made by a woodpecker.
00:42:27Do you think this is right?
00:42:34What she'd written down.
00:42:41Well, I'm not going in.
00:42:42So here's the first place.
00:42:59I'm going to show the world right now.
00:43:25What?
00:43:27No, it's around the back.
00:43:29Come in. It's not locked.
00:43:33Come in. It's not locked.
00:43:37Come in. It's not locked.
00:43:41Come in. It's not locked.
00:43:45Come in. It's not locked.
00:43:49Come in. It's not locked.
00:43:51You're ten minutes early, but it doesn't matter.
00:44:00No.
00:44:01Actually, I was...
00:44:03What do you want?
00:44:05I wondered if you knew a girl called Gillian Bailey.
00:44:07Your address was in her book.
00:44:11Who are you?
00:44:15Get out!
00:44:16No, the thing is, we were just fine on our way.
00:44:20Kill them, John.
00:44:21For God's sake!
00:44:22Sarah!
00:44:23Get out of the case.
00:44:24It's no mess palace.
00:44:26No!
00:44:35Yeah!
00:44:36So, probably just an old friend of hers or something, you reckon, from the Girl Guides.
00:44:41Someone she used to sing in the choir with, perhaps.
00:44:45Anyway, I seem to remember promising you a meal, if you're still interested.
00:44:55Go on, then.
00:44:57Your thoughts being what, currently, on all this?
00:45:01You think he's ever going to see that statue again now?
00:45:04I don't know.
00:45:06Something distinctly odd, didn't you think, about that Dawn character this afternoon?
00:45:12I mean, that face of hers was all...
00:45:16I mean, what did that look like to you?
00:45:18As if she'd been badly burnt or something.
00:45:20Or something.
00:45:23OK.
00:45:24Are we ready now for a little palate freshener?
00:45:29What's that? Citrus sorbet.
00:45:31I don't know. If that's come straight out of the freezer, it might not be such a good idea.
00:45:36Don't be such a baby. Come on.
00:45:40Now.
00:45:41Nice or what?
00:45:43Mm.
00:45:48Oh, God.
00:45:49There you go.
00:45:50The knitting needles behind the ice.
00:45:53Every time.
00:45:54It's a stabbing sensation.
00:45:56It's just...
00:45:56Oh.
00:45:57Hello?
00:45:58Oh, yes. Hi, darling.
00:46:00Oh, God.
00:46:02Oh.
00:46:02No.
00:46:03No.
00:46:04Oh, you're fine.
00:46:06Look, can I call you back in just a minute?
00:46:08I'm in the middle of something.
00:46:09OK, bye.
00:46:10Oh, God.
00:46:12What are you like?
00:46:14What the hell he thought was going on here?
00:46:16I shudder to imagine.
00:46:18I did warn you.
00:46:21Ice-cold sorbet, I'm sorry.
00:46:23It does that to me every time.
00:46:28Every time?
00:46:31No.
00:46:37So if the hole's on that tree...
00:46:39And while we're on the subject of orgasms,
00:46:45this afternoon, before we went up to her flat,
00:46:48what was it you saw in that sex shop
00:46:49that apparently amused you so much?
00:46:53Sorry?
00:46:56What?
00:46:57Oh, Jonathan.
00:46:59I've just had an amazing thought
00:47:00about our disappearing girlie
00:47:02after what you said earlier.
00:47:05Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
00:47:08Actually,
00:47:08I've got a horrible feeling.
00:47:12I'm thinking of something much worse.
00:47:31It's like, you know,
00:47:32when you can just suddenly see it all?
00:47:34There in front of you.
00:47:35You've got a young girl on the run
00:47:38with some stolen goods
00:47:39who's going to be quite keen to lie low for a while
00:47:41who just happens to have jotted down
00:47:43the address of a prostitute
00:47:44who, it turns out,
00:47:46is completely unrecognisable
00:47:47under some very nasty facial disfigurement.
00:47:50I wonder where the inspiration for that came from.
00:47:53I mean,
00:47:54you wonder why we didn't see it straight away?
00:47:55Maybe because it was never there to see.
00:47:59I don't know.
00:48:01Something tells me
00:48:02there could be a very nasty shop
00:48:04waiting for us at the top of these stairs.
00:48:10I knew you'd be back.
00:48:11So, you came here looking for Gillian Bailey, right?
00:48:15I knew you'd be back.
00:48:43I was going to hand it in, but best now for you take it and just go before he gets back.
00:48:54Well, yes. But not till we've cleared up one or two other details, do you think, Dawn?
00:49:05It is Dawn.
00:49:07I know what you're thinking, but...
00:49:13Halloween mask?
00:49:19I wish.
00:49:30Too easy, wasn't it, Dawn?
00:49:34To start making up our own stories here.
00:49:38Am I right in saying that we weren't the only ones to see a faint resemblance between you and Gillian Bailey?
00:49:45We know she stole this thing, with some help from her mother, from a guy called Owen Glendower.
00:49:55And he lent it to their museum.
00:49:57Exactly what she had to do to get him to agree to that in the first place was still a bit hazy on.
00:50:03Obviously helped that she was young and good looking.
00:50:07And he wasn't too fussy about knocking off his own niece.
00:50:12But I don't know, though.
00:50:14Would she really have gone that far?
00:50:17Your mother seems to think so.
00:50:20How well does she know her own daughter?
00:50:23How well does she know her own daughter?
00:50:27Who was just up by the West Side Centre.
00:50:33About a month ago, said she was waiting for a taxi.
00:50:38After a few minutes, this car pulls up, but it's like a clear case of mistaken identity.
00:50:55And suddenly she's thinking, 19 to the dozen.
00:50:58If some punter on the street could get the two of us mixed up like that.
00:51:01So, a couple of nights later, she comes back.
00:51:09Says, would I be up for it?
00:51:12It's like there's this guy she's trying to sweeten up to do her a favour.
00:51:16Only what he wants.
00:51:18No way she's going to give it him.
00:51:20But maybe I can help.
00:51:22I mean, I'm like...
00:51:25The whole idea of it was weird, right?
00:51:27But it was a job, you know?
00:51:29And what kind of business am I going to turn down?
00:51:35Said she'd already got it just as soon as she was going to sell it to him.
00:51:39Uncle.
00:51:40Because it was just like putty in her hands.
00:51:44Look, I know what you want and it can be arranged.
00:51:50Not here.
00:51:54How would it be if I had a friend?
00:51:58You could do things for you that Jillian can't.
00:52:03A bit of rough trade.
00:52:08Jillian.
00:52:09Are you sure you want to?
00:52:11All on a professional basis.
00:52:13You're nothing wrong in that.
00:52:15No.
00:52:16No.
00:52:17No.
00:52:18I don't.
00:52:19No.
00:52:20Oh.
00:52:21Okay.
00:52:22No.
00:52:23No.
00:52:24No.
00:52:25No.
00:52:26No.
00:52:27No.
00:52:28No.
00:52:29No, no.
00:52:30No.
00:52:31And you really bought it, you know?
00:52:32Like that was her, there on the bed.
00:52:37the bed. I saw him twice after that. Third time he couldn't even do it. Anyway, see,
00:52:53the thing is, I don't exactly work alone. I've got like this...
00:52:57Personal management.
00:52:58History of that, you don't need to know, but I tell you, when you've had your face shoved
00:53:04in a gas ring, you don't run away again. His first idea was going to blackmail him, maybe.
00:53:11But then he gets this big idea, doesn't he? Reads about this statue this guy's putting
00:53:17on show. And of course, he's got to have it. The way they'd got it covered, of that music.
00:53:23Of course he wouldn't have had a prayer, but, well, he just got lucky, didn't he?
00:53:34Soon as the heat's off at her house, he goes round there. And waits.
00:53:47So when he caught up with her in the wood, what we saw on that video...
00:53:54wasn't what we thought we saw. The whole point we were all forgetting was that the camera
00:54:01was on its side. Which means the image on that screen had actually been rotated through 90
00:54:09degrees. If you put that together, with those four holes that had appeared on the tree...
00:54:16We found out earlier with that sorbet. Sometimes you can misread a situation so completely that...
00:54:22that it would have happened to the tree. We found out earlier with that sorbet.
00:54:26Sometimes you can misread a situation so completely that...
00:54:41Said there was a nasty shock waiting for us here.
00:54:47I can't help it!
00:55:05Oh no!
00:55:08Oh no!
00:55:11Oh no!
00:55:14Oh no!
00:55:16It's like, it's true, isn't it?
00:55:45This thing, all it ever brings is evil and destruction.
00:55:50I don't know. I just want it out of him.
00:55:56I'm not going to say, please.
00:56:02Because you're already dead.
00:56:05You know that.
00:56:15Just go, for God's sake.
00:56:17And news just in.
00:56:42The body of Gillian Bailey, the missing museum worker at the centre of the Shinto statue theft,
00:56:48was today discovered in a wood near her home in Buckinghamshire, hidden inside a hollow log.
00:56:54It's believed she'd been stabbed to death there several days earlier.
00:56:57What are you doing here?
00:57:24That's lovely. If you'd just like to go through, I'm just waiting for Mr. Klaus to arrive.
00:57:49What?
00:57:50What the hell am I doing here? Just checking in with Mr. Tunstall on a little civil proceeding
00:57:54of my own. From all your reports, he seemed like a very good bet, so...
00:57:57Ah, yes, Miss Borrego. On the matter of the illicit inflatables?
00:58:01I tell you, are they going to cop for a bundle or what? Putting my head on a blow-up doll?
00:58:05Yes, I did run a quick check on that one with the manufacturers, and it appears you signed
00:58:10an authorisation for them. Allowing them to licence all forms of sexual erotica, however
00:58:15explicit bearing my name, face or likeness. Copy here. They faxed to us. Dated the 23rd
00:58:21inst.
00:58:24Well, it's a forgery, obviously. I mean, what... 23rd? What was I doing on the 23rd?
00:58:31Um, signing autographs at a video launch? I seem to remember a woman handing you a blank
00:58:37sheet of paper, then distracting you with a grown-up nephew.
00:58:41Yeah. You're not telling me it's all legal? Well, if they think... What the hell is that smell?
00:58:50I don't know, but it seems to be getting closer.
00:58:57OK. What can I tell you? My driver had to pull over on Putney Bridge to throw up, which
00:59:03was not good news for the rowing crew going underneath, or for my self-esteem. Bad enough
00:59:08I'm coming straight from that crap hole this morning, and no more than a rinse under a
00:59:11cold tap between me and swine fever. But now I've got to cough up gazillions to Grandma
00:59:16Moses in there, because none of us can prove this whole deal is just one big lousy scam.
00:59:21Yes. Can I suggest, Mr. Klaus, if you're seeking a modest settlement with my client, a little
00:59:25good will would go a long way.
00:59:31Mrs. Thrimson. How are you today?
00:59:36Mrs. Thrimson. What is that stench? Please!
00:59:51Mrs. Thrimson!
00:59:53Mrs. Thrimson!
00:59:55Mrs. Thrimson.
00:59:57Mrs. Thrimson.
01:00:00Mrs. Thrimson.
01:00:03Mrs. Thrimson.
01:00:05Mrs. Thrimson.
01:00:07Mrs. Thrimson.
01:00:08Mrs. Thrimson.
01:00:09Mrs. Thrimson.
01:00:10Mrs. Thrimson.
01:00:11Mrs. Thrimson.
01:00:12Mrs. Thrimson.
01:00:13Mrs. Thrimson.
01:00:14Mrs. Thrimson.
01:00:15Mrs. Thrimson.
01:00:16Mrs. Thrimson.
01:00:17Mrs. Thrimson.
01:00:18Mrs. Thrimson.
01:00:19Mrs. Thrimson.
01:00:20Mrs. Thrimson.
01:00:21Mrs. Thrimson.
01:00:22Mrs. Thrimson.
01:00:23Mrs. Thrimson.
01:00:24Mrs. Thrimson.
01:00:25Mrs. Thrimson.
01:00:26Mrs. Thrimson.
01:00:27Mrs. Thrimson.
01:00:28Mrs. Thrimson.
01:00:29Mrs. Thrimson.
01:00:30Mrs. Thrimson.
01:00:31Mrs. Thrimson.
01:00:32Mrs. Thrimson.
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