Very Important People (2023) Season 3 Episode 12

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00:00Hi, I'm Katya. I'm 43 years of age, I'm a homosexual, and I actually do not have any hair.

00:15Today, we're giving this comedian a total transformation.

00:18Oh my god, this is like almost neurotic.

00:20They have no idea who or what they're about to become.

00:24Change the chair because I just shot.

00:25Once they see themselves in the mirror, they'll have to make up a character on the spot,

00:31and then sit down with me for an improvised interview.

00:34Fucking love it.

00:35This is Very Important People.

00:40How are you doing?

00:41I'm doing fabulous.

00:43Not a Louboutin.

00:44Could be a Jimmy Choo, but I don't think.

00:50Oh my fucking god!

01:06This is fucking crazy!

01:09It's chic.

01:11Holy shit.

01:13Ow.

01:13I feel beyond this planet beautiful.

01:17It's not sexy George Washington, which is what I was expecting.

01:20Oh, the folds.

01:22It's so gross.

01:25Hi, I'm Nancy.

01:27I'm from Venus, and I'm here to eat, kill, and fuck your husbands.

01:31Not necessarily in that order.

01:34Have you guys ever given any thought to the kingdom of heaven?

01:40I killed my sister with my car.

01:43I know.

01:48Um...

01:56No, no, no, no, no.

02:21we all have a story to tell and sometimes those stories need to be shared with the world

02:26good evening i'm vic michaelis back with another edition of very important people

02:34oh hello okay well that's fun maybe maybe me too air's a little thick in here what do you mean

02:42air's a little thick in here okay wow we don't wave at the crew so please introduce yourself

02:49i'm linda elizabeth marie braintree

02:57what a beautiful name and i think you're here today to sort of share with us your new line

03:02of cosmetics that is correct how did you get into the cosmetic business well it was really

03:07the brainchild of a lot of soul searching i was part of a think tank and we came up with

03:13a line

03:14of cosmetics that really address the trials the tribulations and the challenges of the modern

03:21woman we spend a lot of time thinking about cosmetics here but what about in here here

03:27and so when i saw your targeted ad uh on aol i really went we need to talk to this

03:32aol okay dial

03:33up okay i am so parched and cheers to that so cheers

03:41delicious you brought in some cosmetics today i surely did oh we can go ahead and fly in that

03:47cosmetics table roberto oh are we peeing this no okay i wish we would though you are so fun

03:56sorry to interrupt i just get very excited about things that i sell okay wonderful i can't wait to

04:02take a look at some of these products here safety first is what i say on set here we go

04:07here we go

04:08okay so when was the last time you had penetrative intercourse no no no no you had it right okay

04:14so

04:14i'll i'll do this okay what sign are you i'm a scorpio what sign do you feel like if i'm

04:19being

04:19honest a stop love okay so in that case i'm going to recommend oh so you sort of are literally

04:25looking

04:26at me holistically as a person baby i don't do piecemeal i do wholesale well that was a big part

04:30of

04:30your sales pitch too right is that you can't buy individual products you have to buy 100 at a time

04:33bundle yeah bundle packages packages how familiar are you with drinking dog piss not at all baby well

04:41let's get into that sure give that a good waft okay mm-hmm yeah that is that's sort of that's

04:48like

04:48pee pad piss sure that was a trick and you've sort of added plastic beads to this a little bit

04:53of glitter

04:53gel you're selling this for people to drink no oh you put it on your hair for gymnastics you put

05:00i don't have a gymnastics gel so it's good to know i'm sorry i'm new to this every day we're

05:05born

05:05anew i had an idea maybe i could be a spokesperson for you if that's okay i'm kind of going

05:09to be a

05:09hold on wait wait wait wait hold on where'd my nipple go we could fly in another nipple no no

05:14no

05:14we're good we're good sell me okay so uh sort of how i would do that maybe and i would

05:19and because

05:20you know on q on qvc they sort of come in the middle so they would sort of go like

05:23this

05:24hello do you do gymnastics i would love for you to buy this from me um i need it and

05:29i need to

05:29feed my family and if you don't buy it um we're in a little bit of trouble financially that was

05:34great

05:34okay first pass now i need it a little more succinct gen alpha their attention span is about

05:400.35 seconds okay cat piss glitter gymnastics do it whoa oh my god i don't do gymnastics i i'm

05:48allergic to cats and i was like i want that doesn't matter they're still hung up on the cat piss

05:51so they're

05:52like i want it maybe i'll buy some of that oh yeah yeah oh yeah okay oh yeah i'll buy

05:59it i'll buy

05:59it maybe i'll buy that one now cosmetics are great but we need stuff that can not only sustain our

06:04image

06:05but sustain our physical bodies sure let's clear out that urinary tract let's unblock that colon

06:11and what better way to do it with this big chunk wow that makes a noise

06:24and this is your product that you made oh yeah yeah oh yeah i it is so good

06:31yeah okay well let me i'll try sort of so cheers

06:41you can feel it working you can feel the antioxidant riboflavin what is this it's just cat shit with

06:49glitter gel on it i'm noticing a lot of ingredients for cat piss roberto

06:54abwa listen don't cry don't cry thank you

06:59not for me seems like you're just taking sort of like waste products of cats and trying to market it

07:08as

07:08sort of wellness products finally you get it listen we put a man on the moon about 125 years ago

07:16i don't

07:16think that's right why have we not figured out a way to turn human canine and feline feces

07:22into renewable energy sources i mean i suppose can i ask what the name of this line is

07:27feline okay so we specifically are taking animal byproducts specifically cats mostly cats mostly cats

07:33and we are trying to turn it into something for good a holistic approach that works like a virus

07:37maybe we had radiation uh one time i had an x-ray i broke my arm you know that glow

07:41man everything

07:42that you're saying is dangerous it's a sort of a general menace to society and the way that you

07:46are saying it to me is kind of selling it if i'm being honest you just described the two biggest

07:53draws of this line dangerous dangerous exciting exciting non-fda approved extremely carcinogenic

08:00to the human body okay let's get personal okay i would love that i would love for you to close

08:08your

08:08eyes okay and i'm gonna put this tray of beauty juice into your gorgeous hand oh now i want you

08:15to palpate the juice so slow sensual circles counterclockwise yeah uh-huh just two fingers

08:24just two yes circles and then lift the fingers up bring them just to the nose but not touching

08:33give it a good whiff okay oh now put the gel down yep very graceful very am i doing it

08:44you're

08:44perfect on the table yes okay okay great now imagine that you are on the 405 in a very long

08:50skirt

08:51teeny tiny top sure hair all frizzy no product in it okay and you are struggling it is 150 degrees

08:58outside you got no shoes and you are at death's door you pass out you're rolled down the hill

09:04filled with thorns and brush and dead animals and you fall into this ravine and you know it's so funny

09:12i forgot what the point of this story was i feel like and this is maybe crazy because i i

09:17tried this

09:17and i was like this is poop it tasted like poop and then i was like oh my god now

09:21i'm like i feel kind

09:22of like better and i feel smarter and i feel like stronger and i feel like sort of like a

09:26more like

09:26accomplished version of myself do you also feel that maybe your femur is starting to dissolve into

09:32the ligaments and bones in the flesh of your leg i'm sorry that your large bony protuberances are

09:38becoming a bit more porous they're softening my heart is softening to the world around me feel the

09:43cerebellum detaching from the brain exactly i'm not thinking as hard and i'm sort of just like going

09:48with my heart but at the same time that heart is stopping punch through this stuff at the end of

09:54the day

09:54you know it's really meant to solve everything how do you solve everything by letting go yeah by

10:02letting go of your old self and using all of this to make yourself better and a better person takes

10:07your spot yeah by not being a person instead you're just sort of like a heart and a mind and

10:12a husk and

10:12a silent beautiful blob of liquefied flesh on my coffee table you're a husk of your old self and

10:20and you're just you're so malleable i don't want to argue vic but i think the point that i'm trying

10:24to make so desperately that you're not hearing sure is that this stuff is meant to kill human beings

10:29i'm listening in life there's no way to get out alive you just gotta live hard and you become the

10:34best version of yourself book him dano i was hoping that maybe i could ask you some rapid fire questions

10:38oh my god hold on let me cross my legs and make sure my nipples are here

10:43oh dear okay thank you so much oh my god i've made such a mess on your beautiful

10:47no no you know what don't worry about that honestly i think the thing that i'm learning

10:50is making people's jobs worthwhile and so if we make a mess it gives people something to clean

10:55small business owners yes we're small business owners i don't own this but

10:59trickle down economics yes reagan nancy nancy uh pelosi huge heavy italian naturals

11:06okay some rapid fire questions if you don't mind please tell me a joke

11:11what did the gay necrophiliac say about his ex-lover

11:14pass that rotten asshole split on me again

11:17okay okay wonderful i have to apologize i it is so freezing in here i'm filling in sweat everywhere

11:24oh so it's sort of opposite for you yeah okay oh i'm kind of feeling that

11:27so i'm starting to think maybe it's the products like i'm feeling like clearer up here

11:30and my body's feeling kind of like wacky

11:33kind of like it's gonna shut down about 45 50 minutes i would say sort of like my heart's beating

11:37fast can you picture your body kind of like a roast turkey on my coffee table

11:41i can't next question okay have you ever been arrested

11:45reese witherspoon okay well i i arrested her

11:48you were a police officer i was a citizen's arrest

11:50oh a citizen's arrest because i listen yes

11:52okay you may accuse me correctly of using cosmetic products to kill human beings

11:58large quantities of human beings but what i will not tolerate here or on any other planet

12:04is drunk driving who's accusing you of trying to kill a bunch of citizens here

12:07we'll cross that bridge when we come to it but the point is

12:09you look great now and you feel wonderful

12:12i know you're talking but there's something about it i'm just like

12:14it's the hairstyle i know i should never got a perm

12:16they're so 1992

12:18come on here we go

12:19what is something you would change about your appearance

12:21oh i just wish my penis was at least six inches longer

12:25how long is it now if you don't

12:26it's about a half an inch okay wonderful so maybe that's something

12:29maybe that maybe the cosmetics can help with that

12:33vic

12:34okay

12:34it's makeup not magic

12:36right that's my bad and i apologize

12:37and i accept

12:38okay thank you this is so fun

12:41you know it's like we're having fun and people don't have enough fun

12:44i want to jump i want to hop

12:45roberto is there a fucking mini tramp we can get in here

12:47yeah roberto can we get a mini tramp in here

12:49i feel amazing let's go

12:51okay here we go let's hop

12:54okay okay i'm gonna i'm gonna do a jump

12:58yeah take your shoes off

12:59blur these blur these blur these you know blur these ones extra

13:03okay ass or titties yeah

13:05uh titties

13:06okay whoa what was your first job

13:07your turn get on there

13:09okay jesus christ pediatric oncologist 16

13:12at 16 you were a pediatric oncologist

13:14yeah but then i became a busboy that was more my speed

13:16because we can do anything

13:20your products are changing the world we're gonna get it in everybody's hands we're sending

13:23everybody everybody here on set home

13:24yeah with goo

13:26and before you know it you drop dead no more problems

13:29yeah in a hundred years you drop dead no more problems

13:31whoa what's that

13:33okay whoa

13:34one day oh there we go that's the spirit

13:36what's going on

13:36you're feeling it right

13:37i feel like something's sort of like taking over my body

13:39oh yeah

13:40okay what's happening

13:40that's the juice oh that's the juice

13:42come on

13:43whoa okay what's happening

13:44don't fight it

13:45what's happening

13:45slip into the pain

13:46it's a warm glove filled with petroleum jelly

13:49okay whoa whoa no

13:51okay what's happening to me

13:53you're dying sweetie

13:54what are you dying

13:55you're becoming a corpse

13:57like ego death corpse

13:58no no like a real corpse

13:59we're bringing you to the morgue

14:01no i'm not ready

14:02oh yeah

14:02i'm not ready i got so much left to do

14:04come on you fucking

14:06our favorite gal is ready to get a picture of yourself

14:08oh jesus christ

14:08i'd rather be somebody else

14:10i want to do yourself

14:11but not now

14:14holy fucking shit

14:16weren't those products beautiful

14:17but guess what

14:18we've got one extra special bonus item

14:21a lovely teeny tiny wet brain

14:24that could go right inside your ugly head

14:26you've only got about 16 seconds

14:28to take advantage of this wonderful offer

14:31see this wet malleable gorgeous little brain

14:34this could be inserted into your fucking head

14:36and you will never know the difference

14:38oh

14:41this is going right in there

14:45you

14:46you

14:47you

14:49you

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