- 10 hours ago
Very Important People (2023) Season 3 Episode 13
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Hi, I'm Rachel Pegram.
00:01I don't know if you can see this, but my hands are completely covered.
00:04They say you're not going to use your fingers today, bitch.
00:10Today, we're giving this comedian a total transformation.
00:13They have no idea who or what they're about to become.
00:17Once they see themselves in the mirror,
00:19they'll have to make up a character on the spot
00:21and then sit down with me for an improvised interview.
00:25Messed up, you guys.
00:26This is Very Important People.
00:30Oh, oh, oh, oh.
00:36Oh, my God.
00:38The teeth are crazy.
00:40They're so tiny.
00:42The titties.
00:44I have so many little titties.
00:46This is beautiful.
00:47Boo.
00:49You know, she's kind of a thaw.
00:51A wolf with some body-yaddy-yaddy.
00:53I could do a little this.
00:59That's a deep squat.
01:01What's up?
01:02You think you're talking to me?
01:03You're not.
01:04I'll kill you.
01:05I won't.
01:06No, I'm actually pretty soft.
01:07Oh, man.
01:10You can't handle me if you freaking tried.
01:16I've got too much titty for you, bitch.
01:19Meow.
01:21Meow.
01:23Meow.
01:25Oh.
01:29Oh.
01:31Oh.
01:39Okay.
01:47Oh.
01:48Oh.
01:48Oh.
01:51we all have a story to tell and sometimes those stories need to be shared with the world
01:55good evening i'm vick michaelis back with another edition of very important people
02:03please introduce yourself diamond
02:10diamond we are so thrilled to have you here today you better be get ready i am are you yes
02:17you're sitting of course i didn't tell you to stand up sit down okay sorry why are you listening to
02:22me
02:22even and i saw i should be standing i don't know what do you want to do what do you
02:27want to do i
02:28love this i actually requested that you be here today oh thank you so much i found your tiktok
02:32page yeah how did you get on this self-improvement journey i came out of my mother's womb kicking
02:38scratching i killed her huh i killed my mother and then i made sure those other bitches stayed inside
02:44it's only one getting out and that's diamond so you killed your mom and then sewed your siblings
02:49inside her dead body my dad didn't want to be involved in my life didn't need him anyways did
02:53he not want to be involved in your life because he saw you kill your mother and your siblings are
02:57you
02:57judging me no thank you i love this can i say i think this is awesome can i get an
03:03apple box someone
03:04give vick an apple box we had him an apple box please thank you and i love it and thank
03:08you
03:09get up there don't be scared that's nice show off that shoe do you think that's a good shoe um
03:16i
03:17got it from macy's in the sales section i used to work at a macy's but you're so confident you
03:20can't be working at a macy's yeah they've kicked me out i said this place is a dump you got
03:25clothes
03:26all over the place what's going on you've always been this confident ever since the day i was born
03:30i once thought i was about to cry sucks it back in no you don't okay so this is excellent
03:38information
03:38because my therapist is like you should be accessing your emotions more access emotions
03:42lock them up do you know what a key is honestly there's something about your confidence that is
03:45making me feel sort of like i can do anything what do you want to do i want to kick
03:48the chair
03:49kick it that was it well how would you do it come on big kick it now with the heel
03:56with the foot
03:57go do you feel alive yes you feel like you're ready to do something oh my god yes yeah i
04:04feel
04:04like i've got so much adrenaline coursing through my veins yeah you're ready to rock you're ready to roll
04:07i just want to know a little bit more about about you diamond the the person cat wolf wolf woman
04:13diamond the wolf woman i want to i want to dive in there i want to see what's inside yeah
04:18sort of
04:18like your siblings inside your mom i want to roll around in there okay yeah let's sit down and let's
04:23get down to it now vick here's what i can tell you about me and where i'm from i started
04:29doing my
04:30videos because i realized that people don't really feel what i feel inside and what is that it's a burning
04:36rage of excitement it's a zest for life it was kind of a miracle that i found you because the
04:41views are low i'm sort of looking if we look at this video 500 views we go to the next
04:45one 300 views
04:45right on the next one 1.2 million views but it seems like it's because you were doing something
04:49with slime and so that sort of just sort of like maybe hit a market i haven't found my people
04:53but i know that they're there maybe you have
04:59sorry i and i went out was that maybe you have because you watch and you're feeling the confidence
05:04you're feeling the heat yeah so i've decided that i am going to help you by helping you reach your
05:08audience thank you and part of how i'm going to do that is we have something called the chomsky's
05:11viral moment so if we can fly in the wheel so what we're going to do is we're going to
05:16spin the
05:17wheel and we're going to do the viral challenge and hopefully it's going to help you find your
05:19audience all right let's do it okay are you ready oh uh-huh it's right
05:25oh hey pig hey pig okay that's easy my therapist is just gonna memo us a thousand dollars okay next
05:30one are you ready three two one oh saltines oh this one's so fun we're gonna use as many saltine
05:37crackers as we can and then we're gonna try and say a tongue twister do you like saltines no do
05:42you
05:43have a uh tongue twister lined up she's got it she's got it she's got it she's got it is
05:47that a tongue
05:47twister that's a tongue twister well we'll say that one then she got ready uh-huh okay
05:53oh god you got it hello you got it you got it you got it you got it you got
06:01it you got it
06:02you're real messy yeah they're gonna like it online i think and thank you and i appreciate you hey oh
06:10thank you so much look at me for one sec i want to say i appreciate you and i wanted
06:14to say that i
06:15think you are you are the star and i am the sun we are two stars but distinctly different unique
06:20in our differences but alike in our similarities thank you hey you doing too much what do you mean
06:26you can just say thank you were you saying the tongue twister well yeah i said it a bunch oh
06:30we've
06:30got a broom and we're broom we're we're thank you we're sort of cleaning thank you that's nice of you
06:34thank you that was nice of you you just said what i said well i had an individual at the
06:37same time
06:38hmm what's her name um no it's not like that here what does that mean
06:46it's not like that here let's do one more wheel spin how does that sound okay okay
06:53oh trick shot so we're gonna get a cup and we're gonna get a bunch of pens and what we're
06:57gonna do
06:57is we're gonna throw the pens at the cup and we're each gonna say like oh if this one gets
07:01in
07:02then you're gonna buy me a hamburger and then if you get it in then the then we have to
07:06do that
07:06does that make sense okay all right thank you so much these get like millions of views online
07:11so i'm gonna find my people with this i really think so if this goes in you you gotta buy
07:16me a
07:16car okay well if you don't can i try again so close i'll go next oh if this goes in
07:21uh you have
07:22to say i enjoy spending time with you oh so close um okay so you want no i got it
07:27okay okay if this
07:30goes in you gotta give me a yacht what how rich do you think i am you got this show
07:34you told me you
07:35got three four five six seven seasons so each episode just sort of uh as the way that my deal
07:39is structured right now i'm i pay um 700 you don't want to buy me a yacht you don't want
07:44to buy me a
07:44car i come in here respectfully stand on a couple apple boxes try to give you some confidence and then
07:50and then and then this is the way you have the nerve to treat me to treat your people these
07:54people
07:55come here every day i give them weekends only the weekend that's all they got if i get this in
08:00you won't give me a yacht and a house what okay thank god i'm in so thank god and then
08:05uh if i get
08:05this in the game is over if i get this in i get your house what well joke's on you
08:10i i live in a guest
08:11house right now so guest house that's okay that's better than what i got what do you got a cave
08:15you
08:15live in a cave i've been living in a cave i went back to my roots i'm just trying to
08:18find me again
08:20hey this is really interesting actually because i feel like you've got such a confident exterior and
08:25deep down you're trying to find yourself too i've left me but i want to walk back into me and
08:31i want
08:31to say you got this diamond you the biggest brightest diamond in the sky and there's nowhere that you
08:38can't fly and there's nowhere that you can't hide and as long as you got your fur on your side
08:45you can
08:46ride now that's not the only poetry you do i noticed on your channel you do a lot of spoken
08:50word i sure do
08:51can we take a look maybe at a at one of your other poems is that all right go ahead
08:55roll it let's go
08:55ahead you might have been born a rock but you are a diamond don't let someone who's a little pebble
09:05little pebble tell you that you're not a diamond i mean it's such beautiful words accompanied by
09:13such provocative dancing you gotta shake ass a little sure you ever shake it shake my yeah shake
09:19my butt no i it doesn't really move you can't twirl it around shrug it in a circle throw it
09:24it throw
09:24it back throw it forward no you want to know how to throw it forward i would love if you
09:28would show
09:28me stand up on your feet okay no but get up there get tall okay get big get loud ah
09:34that's not loud
09:34enough ah louder yeah open your mouth bigger why is your mouth so small huh ah ah ah yeah okay
09:44bend
09:44your knees lower lower there we go that's good and now poke it back toss it back toss it back
09:51there it
09:52is bring it forward but just the butt not the knees um it's all connected okay find the beat find
09:58the beat
09:59find the beat where is it five six seven eight and go dumb dumb dumb it's big time and it's
10:06time to
10:06throw it back look your ass out throw it back and then throw it forward circle it around circle it
10:12around and take it to town and bring it down low low low bang your knees bang your knees that's
10:18pretty
10:18good do you mean that that's pretty good i feel empowered i feel amazing and i'd love to ask you
10:22a
10:22couple of rapid fire questions if that's okay let's do it
10:26okay a few questions for you do you like to pull pranks we do a lot of pranks on the
10:30set everybody
10:31loves it yeah i like pranks so long as i win okay what would you do if you won the
10:36lottery this is so
10:37funny because actually we have a crew lottery here we all go in on lottery tickets and we won one
10:41time
10:41how does that work that sort of thing where normally it's just the crew uh uh and i didn't buy
10:45a ticket
10:46that time but we said we'd all split it equally but you're in it too well yeah because we're all
10:49a
10:49family here we're family yeah these people got lives to live we'll meet mouse to feed but i don't
10:56know and now they're in the lottery with you fat cat i'm sitting at the top of the heat scrooge
11:01mcduck
11:02on the top of the coins that's what you're doing i'm sorry and they're sitting at the bottom and
11:08that's like you can't eat coins for dinner but you need them to buy bread right okay that was that
11:13was really beautiful oh are y'all getting paid they're getting paid are y'all getting paid they're
11:18getting paid they just look to the side no they didn't he just shook his head well here's the
11:22thing is we're a family and sometimes family family and sometimes families are interns work
11:26isn't family that's a tool of capitalism who are you on to the side of the oppressor or the oppressed
11:31we are the oppressed look they're standing up yeah we're the oppressed me there are people beginning
11:37to stand yes already standing why don't we just move on to the next question oh you want to ask
11:41more
11:41questions what's something i got a question for you how do you sleep at night again i'm sort of in
11:45a
11:45guest house right now and so i it's a it's a twin blow-up mattress oh so comfortably and well
11:51i guess
11:52i'll sit back down something i saw all my guests and that is what is the meaning of life the
11:56meaning
11:56of life is water water can be in many forms sure it's a liquid it's a gas and it's a
12:02solid water adapts
12:04wherever it may be and water can survive even in the most cramped dire oppressive and dry spaces i am
12:14water you are not water big i'm sorry to say i thought you might be but you know what is
12:20water
12:21what every single god damn one of these crew members is water that's h2o they connect together
12:30and they make this thing possible you've been running for 10 15 seasons and you ain't paid them
12:36any better since the beginning i asked them i actually don't know how much it was one dollar first
12:41season that's what someone told me and they said the only increase they've had is two dollars and
12:4675 cents who said that in 15 20 years of doing this show listen again i'm not a producer i
12:52don't i'm not
12:52actually in charge of paychecks you're not a producer well what are you i'm the host who are
12:56you i'm vick i'm the host vick you're the host yes the host of what the show this show yes
13:00you're
13:01the host i'm the host and that's all you do that's all you're not the producer i'm not the producer
13:04then what are you the host i'm just a wolf woman sure but i believe in change you know what
13:14we all
13:15got a little heated and i think if we just take a minute and we smile i think that that
13:19is really
13:20gonna help here's what they need okay if you do this one simple thing buy everybody in here a new
13:27car
13:28every single crew member including myself i'll squash it am i gonna get everyone a new car yes
13:34no but i'm gonna have you drive away with this piece of advice dress for the job you want i'm
13:40seeing a lot of t-shirts in here and if we put on a button-up shirt i think we're
13:45gonna feel like it's
13:46more of a workplace you know what i mean and i think that that's gonna make us all more efficient
13:50and then we get out of here maybe 10 15 eight minutes earlier each day how about this you buy
13:57everybody in here 10 button downs 10 button down shirts 10 button downs from bloomingdale's or an
14:05equivalent kind of department store okay how about this how about this how about we how about we button
14:10down some of the truths about about a toxic workplace honestly a toxic workplace is just a place that
14:16hasn't been cleaned in a little bit we're gonna have a cleaning crew come in this weekend and so this
14:20place is gonna be a little bit more vacuumed when we come in on monday how does that sound
14:24the cleaning crew how are they getting paid the cleaning crew yeah what about their houses don't
14:30you think the crew's houses deserve to be clean you why don't you send the cleaning crew to their
14:34houses wouldn't you like to have a nice clean home wasn't it nice to have an activity at home
14:37why are you standing so close to me vic and it's just you know and you don't know me like
14:41that yeah
14:41you want personal space and i get that personal space is important and i listen and i respect what
14:45people are asking for that's a big thing that i'm working on right now with my therapist wave alex wave
14:51hey how about this free session with my therapist uh-uh for everyone we don't need therapists we need
14:57money we need change we need button downs and we need cars and we need a yacht and we need
15:04your house
15:05we need your house big let's get it going no are we walking out of what are we walking out
15:12or what yeah
15:13let's do it let's go let's get out of here get to walking i don't know how to leave here
15:29but we're
15:30gonna leave yeah goodbye vick goodbye forever this show is done until we get our rice are you you
15:41guys like rice you took those bananas that's smart that's smart y'all should steal more take things
15:47from the set take that that's vinodril that's good take those call sheets they don't need them anymore
15:53show's over no wait i'm just saying let me try just let me try hold on hold on no
16:02i'll catch up with them okay well um sleepover on the set again tonight i guess no place like home
16:11right
16:15and that's all the time we have for tonight be true to yourself unless you're not be somebody else good
16:19night
16:48and i can't call for a line you cannot call for a line
16:53what do you mean in the real world i'm on the show and i can call for a line and
16:56they can tell
16:56me that's the show i think this is the whole problem right there there are two vicks here
17:01there's the host and then there's the real vic who's like trapped in a cage trying to get out and
17:06they can't get out host vic won't let real vic out you're like six two me yeah it's six one
17:11but
17:12whatever you're doing don't do it okay
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