- 10 hours ago
Very Important People (2023) Season 3 Episode 11
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Hi, I'm Zach Oyama, and if I had to guess, I'm going to be some kind of weird guy today.
00:07Today, we're giving this comedian a total transformation.
00:11What could be happening?
00:13They have no idea who or what they're about to become.
00:16Once they see themselves in the mirror, they'll have to make up the character on the spot
00:21and then sit down with me for an improvised interview.
00:24This is Very Important People.
00:30Wow.
00:33Oh, my God.
00:35Oh, the little tummy is awful.
00:39That is the worst thing I've ever seen.
00:41I feel like I'm disassociating, and this is not who I am.
00:44Hello, it's me, Mr. Krispies.
00:47Give me your cereal.
00:48I don't have any cereal.
00:50Lifetime supply my ass.
00:52Hey, I'm Dr. David Philbin, and I play a Clash of Chaos character named Mr. Krispies.
01:00Do you have any tomatoes?
01:02A pile of tomatoes, a pile of tomatoes.
01:05Hi, I'm Brian.
01:06I'm seven years old.
01:08Me and my sister were playing Gumanji, and I fell into a hole.
01:11Um, I don't know where I am.
01:13Um, you guys know where you am?
01:16Where's my mom?
01:17Um, okay?
01:23Come on, everybody, now, give me a little clap.
01:26Come on, everybody, come on, give me a little clap.
01:28Come here.
01:29Just kidding.
01:29Fuck you.
01:43Come on, come on, come on, my rental car got hit by a bus.
01:51Just, there we go.
01:53And thank you, and thank you, and thank you.
01:55And I said thank you.
01:56We all have a story to tell.
01:58And sometimes those stories need to be shared with the world.
02:01Good evening.
02:02I'm Vic Michaelis, back with another edition of Very Important People.
02:08Please, introduce yourself.
02:09My name is Dash Highland.
02:10I'm from the Dark Forest of Kevinshire, and I'm a filmmaker.
02:21You're from the Dark Forest, and you're a filmmaker in the Dark Forest.
02:23No, but I can tell you a bit about my backstory, if that makes sense.
02:26Well, I would love that.
02:27I'd love to hear all about the Dark Forest.
02:28Where is that relative to here?
02:30It's a different plane.
02:31It's two above.
02:32Two above.
02:32I didn't realize it was sort of like a ladder.
02:34Picture a cylinder.
02:36Oh, okay.
02:37Sort of.
02:37Oh.
02:37Oh, no.
02:38We're here, and if we go through it, we're there.
02:42When you think of time, this is the plane we're on, and the plane that I come from.
02:50Okay.
02:50Okay.
02:51So when you fold it, that's the way.
02:56I think we all get it.
02:57I think we all get it.
02:58That's how I found out where I'm from.
02:58Oh, man.
02:59Yeah, I love that.
03:00They should have sent you a little bio.
03:01They did.
03:01They said you were from the Dark Forest, and you've recently traveled to Los Angeles.
03:06They said for a big, explosive reason.
03:08I'm assuming some sort of conflict.
03:09Maybe running away from danger.
03:11Factually correct.
03:13We were running away from the hell nights, and me and my brethren were chased through
03:16the endless moor, and my father, in a great last stand, sacrificed himself with the flute
03:22of the unforgiven.
03:23I'm so sorry.
03:24Your father has passed.
03:26Yeah.
03:26Thank you so much.
03:27My father lives in Florida.
03:28I understand.
03:29My father's dying wish to send me here so that me and my bros could make a movie,
03:34sort of kickstart a short film about making it an alley.
03:39I'm sorry.
03:39You came from all this conflict in the Dark Forest to LA to make a film about making it.
03:44My father, standing with the flute of the unforgiven, said, no more, no more.
03:51And then he played the song.
03:53Me and my friends, my bros, it's like five of us.
03:56One of us is a little taller than the others, and he's like good with girls.
04:00We have the photo of the five of you, actually, and you look identical to each other.
04:03One is just slightly taller.
04:05Maybe even looks like it's just the hair.
04:06Sorry, sorry, sorry.
04:08Can I interrupt you for two seconds?
04:10It seems like you just did.
04:11Can I actually have my script?
04:12I brought a script.
04:14I can tell you about it.
04:15It's like me and my guys, we're living in Hollywood.
04:18I live in Burbank, but, you know, just trying to make it cooler.
04:21And it's just the guys, we're kind of hanging out in town.
04:23We run into celebs.
04:25Like we have cameos of celebrities.
04:27You ordered cameos from celebrities, or you have cameos of celebrities in this short.
04:32This is like my promise to you.
04:33If you give me money, we will figure out how to get cool celebrities.
04:38So I'm sorry, you came here today to try and just get the audience to kickstart your short film
04:43that is about five bros hanging out in L.A.
04:47Can I get this script, please?
04:49Took a long time to come in here.
04:50And ordinarily, I'd be very upset about that, but I am doing some deep breaths.
04:55Sorry.
04:55And thank you!
04:57The way that I looked the wrong way, and then came back around, and that guy was right there.
05:02It seems like you don't have much of a neck.
05:03Me?
05:04Yeah.
05:04Chapter two.
05:05Okay.
05:05Your script is chapters?
05:07Here, that's sort of like a book.
05:08Once upon a time, in Hollywood, California.
05:09Chapter two starts with once upon a time.
05:12Can you go back to chapter one?
05:14I'd love to see how the story starts.
05:19The dark flames must muster, and they must be extinguished.
05:25Cut to Burbank, California, Bob Hope Airport.
05:28A cool guy who looks two inches taller than the rest of his friends.
05:32Girls are totally checking him out that just came in from out of town.
05:35The Uber comes and calls him an anti-vaxxer, and it's like, oh, great.
05:40Why would the Uber driver call him an anti-vaxxer?
05:42It's like a character choice.
05:43On the Uber driver's part?
05:44Chapter 16.
05:45Okay.
05:46When all was lost.
05:47Can I just say, some of these scenes, it seems like, start with the traditional, like, interior, Burbank Airport, and
05:52some of them, it's just, we're starting with chapter heads.
05:54Yes, chapter 16.
05:56Interior.
05:56House.
06:00You want to read a chapter?
06:02I would love to read a chapter.
06:03Oh, maybe I'll read the end.
06:05Is that a spoiler?
06:05Is that too much of a spoiler?
06:06Yeah, I think we should go for it.
06:07Okay, chapter 374.
06:10Interior night.
06:11Apartment.
06:12The five bros are huddled around a portal.
06:15It opens.
06:16We see sparks flying out.
06:17It immediately closes, and we pan away from it.
06:19They all hug.
06:20No kissing, though.
06:21They would never do that to each other.
06:23The five bros all high-five and say, what a great night.
06:26The end.
06:27It's like throwing away the past, because the past is behind us.
06:31I'm going to say something that sounds like maybe a hard truth, but I think is something that, as an
06:34artist, you need to hear.
06:36You're not using any of the most interesting parts of yourself.
06:41Can I be honest with you for a second?
06:42Of course.
06:43So, like, I just left, like, a pretty crazy situation.
06:46And so, maybe part of my experience is that I want to get drinks on Hollywood Boulevard and see if
06:53I can find a guy who came too close to me on a bird scooter.
06:56Okay?
06:57Looks like you could do that, and you could make a movie that's more interesting and better.
07:00You know what I'm saying?
07:01Can we get something on its feet for a second?
07:03Yeah, maybe it feels a little bit different on its feet.
07:05Maybe some of the physicality changes sort of how it seems about it.
07:08Okay.
07:09All right.
07:09So, maybe we do the post-credits scene.
07:11How about that?
07:13Are you all right?
07:14Yes.
07:15Do I do that, too?
07:16No.
07:17Okay.
07:17Wow.
07:18Incredible.
07:18Sorry, I didn't know, and now I won't.
07:20Culturally insensitive.
07:22Of course.
07:22And I wouldn't.
07:23You want to play Monica?
07:24I'll play Monica, of course.
07:25Post-credits scene, chapter 36, exterior bar night.
07:28Monica, confident, huge tits.
07:30Okay.
07:32And I am standing at the bar.
07:36Hi, Monica.
07:37You're confident and have huge tits.
07:40Can I have your tomato?
07:45Of course.
07:46You're the sexiest, smartest man I've ever seen in Hollywood.
07:50And you seem like you have noticed my huge tits, and I really appreciate that about you.
07:55Wow, somebody so kind and sensitive and sweet and hot with huge abs must have a million chicks that are
08:02interested in him.
08:03What could I possibly bring to the table?
08:05I don't know.
08:06Wow, I can't believe you said that.
08:07I'm so friend-zoned all the time.
08:09That's so crazy.
08:10It's probably because you're so sweet and kind and smart and your brain is so hot.
08:14Yeah.
08:14But also, you are so sexually magnetic.
08:16It's hard to believe that anybody would just want to be friends with you and not want to rip off
08:20your leaves and loincloth.
08:23I got second in a basketball tournament at the park yesterday.
08:27I'm pretty good when I'm playing with my bros.
08:30Wow.
08:31Second place.
08:31How many teams were playing?
08:32Six.
08:34Wow.
08:34That's second place out of six.
08:36Yeah.
08:36Pretty good.
08:37If you were to be first place, people would be too jealous of you, and you would probably be killed.
08:41Yeah.
08:42That's why I try to keep a lower profile.
08:44And scene.
08:45Okay.
08:45That felt good.
08:46Did it?
08:47Yeah.
08:47Do you mind if I include that in the crowdfunding?
08:49Of me acting?
08:50Yeah.
08:50I'm not really an...
08:51I'm more of a host than an actor.
08:53Well, you know, we can always recast you.
08:54Okay.
08:55Well, why don't you see how I perform, and then maybe I get to audition for it?
08:58Okay, cool.
08:59I mean, don't freak out or anything.
09:01I wouldn't.
09:02I wouldn't.
09:02I'm cool.
09:03I'm cool and I'm calm.
09:04So, speaking of the Kickstarter, I heard we got a little video that you played at the top there.
09:08So, if we can go ahead and play that video.
09:10Hey, roll that beautiful deep footage.
09:12What's up, guys?
09:12My name is Dash Hyland, and I'm here to raise money for my short film.
09:15Me and my friends, who all kind of look like me, have a rare story to tell.
09:19Five guys who are in Los Angeles being guys.
09:22Dash and the boys are back again for the first time.
09:25One time, we went out, and it was so funny that we knew we had to make a short about
09:29it.
09:29That's why I'm here to ask you for $75,000, because I have no money at all.
09:33One time, someone told me I was handsome, and that's why I moved here.
09:37That's why we're trying to make our film, Bob's Hope, a reality.
09:40And if you support our film now, you can get one of these great rewards.
09:43We see that you brought some of the rewards here today.
09:45So, maybe if we can fly in that first reward.
09:47So, if somebody donates $35, this is what they receive.
09:51Yes.
09:51This is my aunt and uncle.
09:53They're mushrooms.
09:54They sort of look like mushrooms to me.
09:55It's the princess this is doing, the Dark Lord's daughter.
09:59She was once fair, beautiful, kind even.
10:02And then, one day, she drank from the pool of abysmal hell.
10:05How do we bring out the next reward?
10:06Let's go ahead and see what the next reward looks like.
10:08So, I'm going to be gentle with that.
10:10For $100, okay.
10:12Sorry, one second.
10:14I just have to say, you will always be protected, and your sacrifice was always worthy.
10:19And I miss you every day.
10:22What did they say?
10:23They said, if you act now, you can get your name in the credits.
10:27That's pretty exciting.
10:29So, for $100, somebody can get this cup of dirt.
10:31This is a cup from my mother's orchard.
10:33It's a type of fruit that only grows on my plane that makes you faster than the fastest man,
10:38stronger than the strongest man, taller than my friend Kevin,
10:42which is about two inches taller than me.
10:44And I think that's roughly worth $100.
10:46I wouldn't give that away.
10:47How many of those do you have?
10:49I have one cup.
10:50So, it's sounding like right now, so far, if somebody claims both of these rewards,
10:53you're going to have $135.
10:55I think so.
10:55Let's go ahead and let's see what that third reward is.
10:58Let's take a peek.
11:00Where is he?
11:00Okay.
11:01I didn't see the guy come in.
11:02And so, right behind you, this is, okay, and so, and, okay, nope, nope, and just come
11:08right back on in and take it out.
11:11Sorry.
11:13This is our PA, and we're not allowed to yell at PAs anymore.
11:15So, okay, so your third reward is a blank T-shirt.
11:17Blank T-shirt.
11:18You can put whatever you want on it.
11:19Let me just sort of check my notes on this.
11:21You have this one listed for $2.8 million.
11:25This is $2.8 million.
11:27It's the same kind of shirt that Vin Diesel wears in the Fast and Furious movie.
11:31What made you think that this was going to be worth more than the cup that is from your
11:34mother's orchard?
11:34I guess I just think so highly of your world.
11:37I think everything here is so cool.
11:38All the cameras set up.
11:39B-cam, A-cam, C-cam, D-cam.
11:42C-cam.
11:42Right.
11:43So this is kind of like the coolest film set you've ever been on.
11:45This is an amazing film set.
11:47What are you talking about?
11:48People in your room don't know how lucky they are.
11:51Why?
11:51Because everything comes easy.
11:53They don't have to shapeshift through the dark leaves because the hellhounds have found
11:59you, and you're hoping that they mistake you for a different rabbit.
12:02It seems like had you stayed in the dark forest, making a film about Hollywood would have
12:07been really interesting.
12:09Um, yeah.
12:10What do you mean, yeah?
12:11Should I have fucking done that?
12:12Can you not go back?
12:14If I go back, uh, my dad's kind of dead.
12:18Sure.
12:18He was turned to stone when he sacrificed for us.
12:21Because I said, I was like begging him, I have to go to Hollywood.
12:25A lot of it's my fault.
12:26So he sort of sacrificed himself for your one wish.
12:28Because me and my bros wanted to go.
12:30I pissed off the dark lord.
12:31Yeah.
12:32I stole his little mirror that shows you your wishes.
12:34Do you have it here?
12:35I think so.
12:36Can we see the dark lord's mirror?
12:38Can we fly in the dark lord's mirror?
12:40Okay.
12:41Oh, and here we are.
12:42And, okay.
12:43Peek.
12:43Ah!
12:44Okay.
12:44And.
12:45God.
12:46Yes.
12:47Well, what, when you look in that mirror, what do you see?
12:49See for yourself, Vic.
12:51See for yourself.
12:52You said this is your greatest wish you see in here?
12:54I see it.
12:55There's nothing.
12:56It's like a headshot, proportionally.
12:58Can I see what I see?
13:00Yeah, so I think this is just a mirror.
13:02I think you saw yourself and thought it was a headshot, and so you needed to go make short films.
13:05Just trying to make it, you know?
13:09I feel like I've made a mistake in many ways, but it's too late to go back, and all you
13:13can do is double down.
13:15So your philosophy is that you don't have to sort of, like, make amends, you don't have to sort of,
13:17like, be right by anybody, you just sort of double down.
13:20Well, my dad's a statue at this point, so I don't really know what to say.
13:24How about this?
13:24We got a couple of rapid-fire questions.
13:25Why don't we go ahead and ask those?
13:27Please.
13:27And can I ask you a question before those?
13:29Of course.
13:30Do you want to be in the short film?
13:33Yes.
13:33Because there's plenty of parts outside of Monica.
13:35It's so funny, I kind of never thought about myself as an actor, and then as soon as you were
13:38like, do you want to be in a short film, I was like, yes.
13:40Yeah, I can see it.
13:41There's this neighbor, and she keeps calling the cops on us.
13:44Total Karen moment.
13:45Okay.
13:45Maybe we'll sort of figure out what the part is specifically in a minute here.
13:48Let's get to some rapid-fire questions.
13:53Dash, can you handle spicy food?
13:55No.
13:55Anything spicier than a tomato, and I'll die on my feet.
13:59All right.
13:59How would you describe your sense of style?
14:00I just kind of fell down a hill.
14:02Can I ask, you have a gem.
14:04How does the gem work?
14:05I can make stuff disappear.
14:07Okay.
14:12What did you make disappear?
14:13That vase over there.
14:14That vase?
14:15Yes.
14:16Fix it in post.
14:17I can just see you mouthing fix it in post.
14:18So, and I'm sort of seeing our VFX guy going, we're not doing that, and so it is getting blown
14:23out right now.
14:24Help me.
14:25Don't make me look like a fool.
14:26Well, look at that.
14:27The vase is gone.
14:27I have one more question for you that I ask each and every one of my guests, and that is,
14:32what is the meaning of life?
14:38Wow.
14:38What is the meaning of life?
14:39You know, we live in a world where there are many challenges.
14:43Sure.
14:44Where dark lords unleash hell knights, where babes think you're just a guy to talk to and not like a,
14:51you know, like, not hot.
14:53Where your father turns to stone in a selfless moment that will live on forever in the tales of my
15:00people.
15:02But there's not a lot of time for art.
15:05And I feel like for just $65, one-time payment, you can get a producer credit on my short.
15:13And that way, you too will live on forever.
15:16You need a producer.
15:17Do you want to be the producer?
15:19I didn't say I want to be the producer.
15:20$65 cash.
15:21And you can act in it, too.
15:23And we can, you know, if people aren't busy, maybe this whole crew does it.
15:26Well, if I'm just going to be sort of a Karen, I'm not going to, you know.
15:28We could talk about it.
15:29You could be, like, you could audition for Monica.
15:32It's just if I was Monica, we could have used some of the cameras.
15:34Okay, you're Monica.
15:35It's just, you know, if I...
15:35Okay, you can be Monica.
15:36No.
15:36Yeah.
15:37Me?
15:37Yeah, you can be Monica.
15:38I'm serious.
15:39Okay, I got the part.
15:40Hey, you got the part.
15:41I got the part.
15:41Okay, fantastic.
15:42I wasn't going to say this, but I do, sort of my dream is to be a host.
15:45But my, like, secondary dream is to be really famous.
15:49Well, the crew is yours.
15:50Okay, people.
15:50So everybody listen.
15:51Listen to Dash.
15:52I'm going to need, what's it, decamp?
15:54I got to get ready.
15:56We're lobbed up.
15:57Are we doing this now?
15:58Yeah, yeah, we're going to do it now.
15:59Okay, I got to go.
16:00Okay, can I have, like, ten minutes?
16:01Ten minutes.
16:02Okay, make up!
16:02Okay.
16:03Okay.
16:03Bigger, but less noticeable.
16:05You know what I'm saying?
16:05Cut it off.
16:06Okay.
16:06I'm Vic McHale.
16:07I'm reminding you, be true to yourself, unless you'd rather be somebody else.
16:09Good night.
16:09Okay, you know what?
16:09And we'll fix it.
16:10We'll fix it in post.
16:11Okay.
16:12Ah!
16:12I'm going to Star!
16:14I think what we've got to focus on is this is a personal film.
16:18Okay?
16:19And so it's, like, handheld feeling.
16:21Can you nod?
16:22You've seen Mumblecore?
16:23The Duplass brothers are kind of an inspiration for me, so this is going to be Duplass-y.
16:28Can we apply in some HMU?
16:29I'm feeling a little greasy.
16:31We're making art.
16:34Yeah, my T-zone's rough.
16:36How's your day going?
16:38Cool.
16:39Shall we?
16:40Should we go right?
16:41Okay.
16:41All right, guys.
16:42Company move!
16:43Company move!
16:46Dash!
16:47Huh?
16:47Dash, wait!
16:49Monica, what's up?
16:51You left your suitcase.
16:53Oh.
16:53The one with all of your awards in it for being a director, an actor, and also a very handsome
16:57man about town.
16:59I can't believe I forgot that.
17:01You're welcome.
17:04Well, I gotta go.
17:05Wait.
17:06Huh?
17:06Why?
17:08It's not going to work out between us.
17:12Really?
17:12Yes.
17:13What do you mean?
17:14You're so talented and attractive and smart, and I know that you said you could do long distance
17:19because you can do anything that you set your big, beautiful mind to.
17:21But there's going to be plenty of other people with huge boobs out there, and you need to
17:27explore all of them.
17:28I'm just going to hold you back.
17:30Wow.
17:31As much as I would love it to be me, I just know that you're going to do huge things
17:36out
17:36there, even huger than my boobs.
17:39Yeah.
17:39Man, I'm sad.
17:41Hmm.
17:42Well.
17:43We're not going to cry because it's over.
17:46We're going to smile because it happened.
17:49Thanks for my awards.
17:51Okay.
17:51I have to go to the airport now.
17:53We're here.
17:54Oh, okay.
17:55Okay.
17:55I have to go to the airport now.
17:58I have to go to the airport now.
17:59I have to go to the airport now.
17:59I have to go to the airport now.
18:00I have to go to the airport now.
18:00You
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