- 10 hours ago
Very Important People (2023) Season 3 Episode 10
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Hello, my name is Lacey, and I'm really excited because I always wanted to go to my own funeral.
00:06Hey, okay.
00:08Today we're giving this comedian a total transformation.
00:11I don't know what you guys are going to do with me.
00:14They have no idea who or what they're about to become.
00:17Once they see themselves in the mirror, they'll have to make up a character on the spot
00:22and then sit down with me for an improvised interview.
00:25This is Very Important People.
00:28Oh, what's going on here?
00:30What is this, honey?
00:32Y'all not sending me the space on, y'all.
00:34Gayle King is the only one doing that, okay?
00:36I'm not doing that.
00:41No, y'all did not.
00:43Is this Ratatouille and Ratatouche?
00:46I got to do a 360.
00:48Oh, no.
00:51Oh, why would y'all do this?
00:54Okay, though.
00:55We got some action, though.
00:56Am I who that just left pride?
00:57Grinch, give us back our Christmas and our rights.
01:00Like, is it that?
01:01But I love that I do have a contour still, okay?
01:03I'm still a baddie, though.
01:04I'm still...
01:05Okay, I'm going to pull all the who's and who be, okay?
01:08Who is your man?
01:09Mine.
01:09Yes.
01:10Scoot on down, scoot on down the sidewalk.
01:14Am I a rich person's poodle?
01:15Like, if Dennis Rodman had a dog.
01:42Like, if Dennis Rodman had a dog.
01:45I'm a rich person of very important people.
01:49Please introduce yourself.
01:51My name is Paloma.
01:56Well, Paloma, this is actually quite a unique episode that we're doing today.
02:00You know, normally we invite guests on.
02:02You've bought out the entire hour here.
02:04Yes.
02:05We noticed you drove up in a Bentley?
02:07I was trying to be modest.
02:09The neighborhood is a little sketchy.
02:11Silver Lake is sort of a popular neighborhood here in Los Angeles.
02:14It's popular for crime.
02:15I'd say maybe it's a crime how much a matcha latte costs here.
02:21Okay.
02:21Was that a relatable laugh?
02:23Did I laugh relatably and poor?
02:25Do you think I'm poor?
02:26No.
02:27You know what?
02:27This is not about me.
02:28This is about you.
02:29Yes.
02:29Two weeks ago, something very tragic happened.
02:32The man that I've been with for 17 dog years.
02:37Wow.
02:37He's gone to that dog bed in the sky.
02:39Only he was a man.
02:41Two weeks ago, he passes on over that rainbow bridge.
02:44Yes.
02:45You are left alone in this world.
02:48I got a letter in the mail.
02:50Okay.
02:50And naturally, I was really angry with the mailman.
02:53Sure.
02:53I don't trust people who drive cars with no doors.
02:56I honestly feel the same way about the mailman.
02:57I'm glad that you can get mail with your income.
03:00Mail is sort of like a public service.
03:01It's sort of universally for anybody.
03:02But also, I could FedEx something.
03:04Oh, okay.
03:06Yeah, so I got a letter.
03:07And it stated that my man partner friend, Alfred, left me the estate.
03:14His entire fortune.
03:15Yes.
03:15Valued at $3.6 billion.
03:17And I'm here to hopefully use your platform to reach out to my family, my step-people,
03:23and make one last-ditch effort to put us back together.
03:26You have three step-people, correct?
03:28And they are?
03:29Madison.
03:30Louisa.
03:30And three, two, one.
03:32Other Louisa.
03:32Other Louisa.
03:33Yeah.
03:33They keep calling me things like, dog.
03:36Sure.
03:36You're a dog.
03:38Why would they leave money to a dog?
03:40Feels tricky when bitch is right there, right?
03:42Bitch doesn't bother me.
03:43We've reclaimed it.
03:44Well, I understand that you're in a pretty intense probate battle with your step-people.
03:48So I was wondering, maybe you could take this opportunity now to go ahead and send a message
03:53to your step-people.
03:54You know what?
03:55I am going to stand up.
03:57Okay.
04:02Madison.
04:04Louisa.
04:05Another Louisa.
04:07I may dig for bones, but I have never been a gold digger.
04:14Your father loved me, and he told me I was a good girl.
04:17You know who weren't good girls?
04:19You!
04:19Oh, wait, this is supposed to be an apology.
04:22You guys have editors, correct?
04:23We can take some of that out.
04:25We can, but it seems like you don't actually want to apologize to them as well.
04:28Oh, no, I do.
04:29I am...
04:31I am...
04:35That was really...
04:36That was the apology?
04:37That was really emotional.
04:38So sort of from my perspective, it sort of looked like you yelled at them for a few minutes
04:41and then...
04:42Please don't victim blame.
04:43And I wouldn't.
04:43I was crying.
04:45Were you?
04:45I was sobbing.
04:46So sort of maybe this sob will have tears attached to it.
04:49You know what I mean?
04:49That is more than one way to cry.
04:52Okay.
04:52And when you say that crying needs tears, you are leaving out the dry-eyed community.
04:57I see.
04:57So I have an apology to the dry-eyed community.
04:59I didn't realize that that...
05:00Take accountability.
05:01So, um...
05:02You can do it to me.
05:03I'm the one you offended.
05:05Okay, so then we'll do it like that.
05:06To Paloma and the rest of the dry-eyed community, I...
05:09When you do the dry-eyed community part, then you should stand and say it to the community.
05:13Oh, I see.
05:14Paloma.
05:14Yes.
05:15And the dry-eyed community.
05:17I would like to sincerely apologize and take accountability for the fact that I did not realize...
05:21No, you didn't!
05:23Continue.
05:24Not everyone will forgive you.
05:25Okay, so you're sort of being the audience in this situation.
05:27I am sorry.
05:28I would like to open my heart and let you know that I didn't realize that some people cry without
05:32tears.
05:32What are you going to do in the future?
05:34Stop making excuses!
05:35Okay, and in the future, I will realize that some cry without tears, some scream without voices,
05:39and you are still a valuable member of society.
05:42Ooh!
05:42And I will make a donation. I will make a monetary donation to Vizine...
05:47They need it!
05:48...and the Johnson & Johnson Corporation.
05:50They're so poor.
05:51Five hundred dollars.
05:54I will donate five hundred... five thousand...
06:00Five hundred...
06:00Okay, you're sweating.
06:01You're sweating.
06:02It's okay.
06:03So, you know, we'll sort of figure out maybe that money amount after that.
06:05And we will be back in one minute after a new segment from Chomsky's Potato Chips.
06:11Today, we have a surprise for our wonderful PA named...
06:16Oh, our wonderful PA.
06:18There is a surprise for her, and her name is...
06:22Her name...
06:23Her name is...
06:25Her name is...
06:26Jada.
06:27Jada.
06:28We have a surprise for our wonderful PA named Jada.
06:30Jada, hold out your hands.
06:33And there you go.
06:34Your surprise flan.
06:36Open your blindfold.
06:37Guess what it is.
06:40Open the blindfold?
06:41Open the blindfold, but guess what it is.
06:43Guess what your surprise flan is.
06:44Guess what your surprise is.
06:46Well, you said flan, so I guess...
06:48There we go.
06:50Congratulations, Jada.
06:51We appreciate you here on Very Important People.
06:53Sponsored by Chomsky's.
06:54America's tastiest, heartiest, crispiest chip.
07:00And we're back.
07:01That was fun.
07:02Let's go ahead and move on to our next segment.
07:03What's in my bag?
07:06What a beautiful bag.
07:08Oh, thank you.
07:08Heavy.
07:09A lot of cash out front.
07:10You never know.
07:10You're going to have to pick up some poo.
07:12Okay.
07:12So that's sort of poop money?
07:13Yes, this is poop money.
07:14Sort of shit money.
07:15Okay.
07:15So we'll sort of...
07:16Maybe let's take a peek in the bag.
07:18Oh, we have some car keys.
07:19Some car keys.
07:21Oh, okay.
07:22Okay.
07:22So sort of a toy for you is a Honda Accord.
07:25Oh!
07:26Are you all right?
07:27Okay.
07:27Alfred used to jingle these at me.
07:29Are they just the keys or does the Honda Accord come attached to...
07:32No, we thought it was funny that there was such a car.
07:35Maybe let's move on to the next item.
07:36Yes, please.
07:37Oh, a notebook.
07:39Yes.
07:39May I?
07:40Sure.
07:40I see a really beautiful passage here.
07:42Do you mind taking a read?
07:43It's sort of as talking a little bit about your grief process here.
07:46Oh, oh.
07:48It says,
07:49Dear diary,
07:50It's yours truly, Paloma,
07:53As it always has been from the very purse page.
07:56You lost your partner,
07:58Your friend,
07:59The person who saw you at the puppy pound when no one else would.
08:03When Sarah McLachlan stopped singing for us and we lost all of our funding.
08:08And we thought all hope was lost.
08:09You came in and you rescued me.
08:13And now that you're gone,
08:14I spend my days getting diamond tip facials.
08:17Days?
08:17If you want this kind of coat,
08:18You must take care of it.
08:20Write that down,
08:20Diamond tip facial maybe.
08:21When I spend my days crying my dry eyes out,
08:26Yeah.
08:26Sticking my head out of every car that we,
08:30Oh,
08:31I own now.
08:33Yeah.
08:33The McLaurin,
08:34The headwind just doesn't feel the same.
08:36The Bentley,
08:37When that door opens from the back,
08:39I don't pants out of it as fast as I used to.
08:42I know exactly what that's like.
08:43The helicopter pads.
08:44Sure.
08:45That once would ruffle my fur
08:46When I knew that Alfred was coming home
08:49From a long day,
08:51Golfing 20 minutes away.
08:52I hate it when the helicopter pad,
08:53When you're on there and it just,
08:55You know,
08:55Oh,
08:55You've seen it on the news.
08:57Well,
08:57No,
08:57One time I broke my foot at a soccer game
08:59And they hella vacked me off the field.
09:03Oh my gosh,
09:04What a wonderful experience that must have been for you.
09:07Your time to be in a helicopter.
09:10Okay,
09:10Well,
09:10And that sort of brings me to the next one here,
09:12Which is,
09:13Oh,
09:14My pistol.
09:15Why are we carrying this around?
09:16To shoot people if needed.
09:18Right,
09:18Okay,
09:19So we'll sort of,
09:19We'll put that back.
09:20No,
09:20We should,
09:20We should cut that up.
09:21Can I ask,
09:21How did Alfred die?
09:23He died of causes.
09:25Of causes.
09:26Okay.
09:27I actually started a charity for causes.
09:29Okay,
09:29I want to end all of them.
09:31We can see that sort of in your,
09:32In your video for the charity right here.
09:34Every single day,
09:36A hundred percent of people are being affected by causes.
09:41Causes affect all of us.
09:43But together,
09:45We can be aware of them.
09:52Huh,
09:53Okay,
09:53Vague.
09:54Vague in a way that sort of covers everything.
09:56It gets me every time.
09:57Yeah.
09:58Okay,
09:58Here we go.
09:58Rapid fire questions.
10:01Oh,
10:02What's your go-to pickup line?
10:06I try that one sometimes.
10:08Who is your best friend?
10:10Alfred,
10:11And he's dead.
10:12And I don't know who did it,
10:14But we need to get out of probate court right now.
10:18Madison,
10:19Louisa,
10:19And other Louisa.
10:20Paloma,
10:21I'm sorry.
10:21My producer is flagging a photo.
10:23And we're going to go ahead and pull up that photo.
10:25It is a photo of you with another partner,
10:27Another man.
10:28Oh,
10:29That is just a walker.
10:30And another photo who's giving you a treat.
10:32That's just a walker.
10:33So your best friend is Alfred,
10:34And you feel confident saying that,
10:35Knowing that we have these photos.
10:36Yeah,
10:37I feel really attacked.
10:38I feel really,
10:39Hey,
10:39Hey,
10:40We're fine.
10:41It's fine.
10:42Don't worry about it.
10:43Next question.
10:44Fuck Mary or kill?
10:45Kill?
10:46Who said anything about killing?
10:48No,
10:48It's like a gay,
10:49Who said anything about me killing somebody?
10:51I don't think anybody.
10:51Madison,
10:52Did Madison say that?
10:52Did that bitch Madison talk to you?
10:54No,
10:54You just told me that.
10:55She's a skank.
10:55She's a filthy skank.
10:56And she's a liar.
10:57She's a liar.
10:58I didn't kill anybody.
11:00I've never done murders ever before.
11:02Nobody said that.
11:02You're saying that you did murders.
11:03And I never do them again,
11:04Because you gotta do it once to do it again.
11:06Nobody said,
11:06Hey,
11:07Chill out.
11:08Okay,
11:08Nobody said that.
11:09Okay,
11:10Just,
11:10Hey,
11:10Give me your pat,
11:11What's this?
11:11What's this?
11:12I want a suss on your plat.
11:13Hey,
11:13There we go.
11:14Okay,
11:14Hey,
11:15Okay,
11:15Hold on,
11:16Hold on.
11:16Whoa,
11:17Whoa,
11:17Hey,
11:18Hey,
11:19Hey,
11:19What's this?
11:19What is this?
11:20What is this?
11:22Is that a dog treat?
11:23Yeah,
11:24Yeah,
11:25Okay.
11:25Oh,
11:26Look at this.
11:26Okay,
11:27Here we go.
11:28Oh,
11:28Yum.
11:29Yum.
11:31Yummy.
11:32Okay,
11:32That's kind of sweet,
11:33Actually.
11:33Yeah,
11:34Oh,
11:34You're not in trouble.
11:35No first degree murder for you.
11:37No first degree murder for you.
11:38No,
11:38You're so pretty.
11:41You want some more?
11:42You want some more?
11:44Okay,
11:44I killed him.
11:46Okay.
11:46I killed him with a knife.
11:48Yeah,
11:49What does it matter?
11:50I'm a dog.
11:51You said it.
11:51I'm a dog.
11:52All dogs go to heaven.
11:53There's no consequences.
11:55There's nothing in the law book that says a dog can't stab a man repeatedly and then clean it with
12:00bleach.
12:00Okay,
12:01I'm Aunt Mikaela's reminding you to be true to yourself unless you'd rather be somebody else.
12:04Good night.
12:08Bad dog.
12:09No.
12:10Call the cops.
12:11I think she killed him.
12:12Ah!
12:18Okay.
12:19Shh, shh, shh.
12:23Edwin.
12:24Hello.
12:24I was just wanted to say I noticed what a wonderful job you've been doing on set and I have
12:29a gift for you.
12:29Thank you so much for being here.
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