- 23 hours ago
Granddad tries online dating and meets a beautiful woman named Luna. Soon Huey, Riley and Granddad realize she is a psycho.
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00:02For most of my granddad's romantic life, the internet hadn't been invented yet, so
00:07he was still discovering the dangers of online dating.
00:11Oh!
00:18Ooh, Lord!
00:23Damn!
00:24Damn!
00:44You know what? I've had it. This sucks.
00:48What's wrong with you?
00:49You know what's wrong with me. When was this picture taken? 1964?
00:52You say I don't look like my picture.
00:54I'm saying you probably never look like this damn picture.
00:56This ain't you!
00:58So is that all you care about is looks?
01:00Yes!
01:02Well, excuse me for thinking you like me for who I was on the inside.
01:05Well, you're a liar on the inside. This whole relationship is based on a lie.
01:09An ugly lie!
01:12Why in the hell this keeps happening to me, God? What did I do to deserve this?
01:15This is payback for what? What did I do to you? Tell me.
01:18Baby, I said leave.
01:20Nigga, you ain't no Denzel.
01:21Hell, hell, you ain't even no flavor flag.
01:23Time after time after time, they always be alone.
01:26Lock them up, charge them with fraud.
01:28I've been snitching on ugly women all day.
01:30I said give them the chair, electrocute their ugly asses.
01:32I'll pull that switch, quick!
01:35I am the stone that the builder refused.
01:37I am the visual, the inspiration that made ladies sing the blues.
01:40I'm the spark that makes your idea bright.
01:42The same spark that lights the dark so that you can know your left and your right.
01:45I am the ballad in your box.
01:46The bullet in the gun, the inner glow that let you know to call your brother's son.
01:50The story that just begun, the promise of what's to come.
01:52I'ma remain a soldier till the war is won.
02:21I'ma remain a soldier till the war is won.
02:22Yeah!
02:23Yeah!
02:24Yeah!
02:25Yeah!
02:25Yeah!
02:27Yeah!
02:29Yeah!
02:30Yeah!
02:30Yeah!
02:31Yeah!
02:33Yeah!
02:35Booey!
02:36She fine, ain't she?
02:37And you're sure this is what she looks like?
02:39Oh, yeah.
02:39Your granddaddy ain't falling for the okie doke this time.
02:42Now I got the video chat.
02:46I think it's a set up.
02:48It don't make no sense.
02:49Why was she like you?
02:50Cause your granddaddy gives sweet love.
02:53And what do you know about this woman?
02:55Well, her name is Luna.
02:57She's a Virgo.
02:58Her hobbies include pets, traveling, kickboxing-
03:00And stealing from desperate old men.
03:02Watch when you go to sleep.
03:03I bet she have a gang of niggas up in here to rob us.
03:05That ain't a good look, granddad.
03:07Not a good look?
03:08Is that some kind of new slang?
03:10Is that what's hot in the street, huh?
03:12Is that what you call really hood?
03:15Why don't you give her a chance?
03:16You ain't even met her yet.
03:17Neither have you.
03:18I don't know, granddad.
03:19A whole weekend with a complete stranger?
03:21It's a five-hour drive.
03:22Either she was gonna stay here, or I paid for a hotel room.
03:25Shoot, bad enough I gotta buy all this damn champagne and new sheets.
03:28I ain't Jay-Z.
03:30Shoot, I ain't bone like a rock star.
03:38Oh.
03:42Oh.
03:42Well so goodness.
03:44Roberts!
03:45Oh my god, it's so good to finally meet you!
03:49Yeah, uh-huh.
03:51Just like the picture, right?
03:52My sweet Luna.
03:54Come on in, cutie pie.
03:55You look just like your picture too.
03:57Except you're wearing clothes.
04:03Hey guys, I'm Luna.
04:04I hope you don't mind me hanging out with you for the weekend.
04:06I'll try and stay out of your way, okay?
04:08Come here.
04:09Let me show you where to put your thing.
04:10We don't keep cash in the house.
04:14Eve, come on.
04:15You wanna drink a soda?
04:17That's a big bitch.
04:19A massage, a bath, a piece of chicken, anything.
04:27You're kidding me.
04:29That Larry David is something else.
04:32So, you never told me what kind of dogs you have.
04:34I have one Dalmatian, two Retrievers.
04:37That's nice.
04:38Oh, and fifteen wolves.
04:40Wolves?
04:41You mean like, wolf-wolves?
04:44Yeah.
04:44For some reason, wolves really like me.
04:46I was raised around wolves.
04:47They get a bad rap, but really, if you aren't afraid to establish dominance,
04:50there's nothing wrong with wolves.
04:52That's, uh, fascinating.
04:56So, um, how long you been kickboxing?
04:58Well, I do a lot of martial arts.
04:59Not exactly kickboxing, but it's kind of similar.
05:02It's called White Lotus Kung Fu.
05:05White Lotus?
05:06That's the deadliest style there is.
05:08Yeah, and it's great exercise.
05:10You never mentioned that you were a kung fu master.
05:13This crazy ex-boyfriend I had one time, he was a Shaolin monk.
05:16I learned it from him.
05:17Then I ended up having to use it on him, if you know what I mean.
05:20Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
05:25Well, Huey is very interested in martial arts, and, uh, I do a little tie bow myself.
05:31Have you heard of the Kumite?
05:33Did you say Kumite?
05:34Uh-huh, the Kumite.
05:37What's a Kumite?
05:38The Kumite is a mythical invitation-only martial arts tournament with the deadliest fighters in the world.
05:43So you like Jean-Claude Van Damme?
05:46Me?
05:46But I didn't think the Kumite really existed.
05:48Oh, no.
05:49The Kumite is real.
05:50It's really real.
05:55The Kumite is usually held on some faraway mysterious island.
05:59So it's a nice getaway.
06:04Kinda like one of them all-inclusive vacation packages.
06:07They cover room and food, everything.
06:10Except for incidentals, of course.
06:12It's nice, you know?
06:13You get to catch up with old friends, see some really good matches, get a tan.
06:17It's good times.
06:19Good times.
06:20The Kumite is supposed to be a death match, right?
06:22You ever kill anybody?
06:23Hey, everybody has to die sometime.
06:26Ha!
06:27Ha!
06:27Ha!
06:28Ha!
06:29Oh!
06:30I got it!
06:31Finish him!
06:33Ah!
06:41Luna wins!
06:44I mean, I'm like, you kill one man, you kill a dozen.
06:48It's all the same.
06:49I mean, they can only hang you once, right?
06:51Ha!
06:51Am I right? Am I right?
06:52Am I right?
06:53Ha!
06:54Ha!
06:55Come on now, you're leaving me hanging.
06:58We gotta go to the bathroom!
07:00We gotta go to the bathroom!
07:01Move it! Move it! Move it!
07:03Hurry!
07:03Get up!
07:05Thanks for inviting a killer kung fu wolf bitch to the crib, Grandad!
07:08You think I knew she was a killer kung fu wolf bitch?
07:10She ain't said nothin' about no damn Koopa Tee, Koopa Tee, Koopa Tee, Koopa Tee, Koopa Tee,
07:13Koon, Black Coon.
07:14Don't just hush.
07:15I'm trying to figure out what we gonna do.
07:18Huey, what are we gonna do?
07:19You gonna tell her to get the hell out?
07:20I'm not gonna tell her to leave.
07:22She might hit me with one of them exploding nut sack techniques.
07:24Oh, come on, Grandad.
07:25She's not a kung fu master.
07:26She's crazy.
07:27Shit!
07:28Then you gonna kick her ass out.
07:30But this is your responsibility.
07:31Hey, I'm willing to stay in the bathroom all night.
07:33Where you going?
07:35You two just stay here.
07:38Okay.
07:38I gotta use the bathroom anyway.
07:40Oh, come on, Grandad.
07:41Hold it.
07:42I'm old, boy.
07:43I can't hold it.
07:43You must be crazy.
07:44You gotta let your thing go.
07:45No, come on.
07:46Put your pants up.
07:47Put your pants up.
07:48I'm gonna let it go.
07:50So where's he at now?
07:51I don't know.
07:52Suddenly they all went to the bathroom.
07:53Do you think that's weird?
07:56Let me call you back.
07:57Hey!
07:58How's Robert?
07:59Is everything okay?
08:00Sure.
08:00He's just having some difficulties in the bathroom.
08:02So, that's pretty impressive.
08:05Being a White Lotus Master.
08:07It was really hard.
08:09It's just...
08:10I had heard there were no White Lotus Masters left alive.
08:13Mmm.
08:15Hmm.
08:15Maybe you would like a demonstration.
08:17What about a...
08:19Friendly sparring match?
08:20Oh!
08:21That sounds perfect.
08:25Ha!
08:26Ha!
08:28Ha!
08:29Ha!
08:29Ha!
08:30Ha!
08:31Ha!
08:32Ha!
08:33Ha!
08:35Ha!
08:36Ha!
08:40Let's...
08:41Get out while we can.
08:44Oh!
08:47Oh!
08:53I can't believe I let that big old woman come up in my house and trying to destroy my place.
08:57You have to relax, Granddad.
08:58How am I supposed to relax?
09:00The woman is a trained killer.
09:01Do you know the story of Brenda Ritchie?
09:03You mean Lionel, Ritchie's wife?
09:04No, Lionel Ritchie's ex-wife.
09:08It was 1988.
09:09Brenda Ritchie had just caught Lionel in bed with his future ex-wife wife, Diane Alexander.
09:15Huh?
09:16What the fuck?
09:16Oh, I was hoping I would catch you up in here with that white bitch.
09:20No!
09:21No!
09:22No!
09:29Oh, you just seen this ass whooping.
09:32It was terrible.
09:33Oh, the humanity.
09:35Upside his head.
09:36Upside his nose.
09:38All whooping his ass.
09:41Oh, it was terrible.
09:47Terrible.
09:48How could you know that's how it happened?
09:49Were you there?
09:50Brenda Ritchie knew Kung Fu.
09:52Jet Magazine said she used to fight in the Kuomintay.
09:56No, I haven't seen him since dinner.
09:58I think he was in the bathroom all night.
09:59That's fine, girl.
10:00You don't need to be giving him no ass yet anyway.
10:02I say make a man wait until he's resentful.
10:05That always works.
10:06Oh, I don't know.
10:07Do you think it's going to be weird now that I beat up his grandson?
10:10God, I'm so stupid.
10:11Why did I do that?
10:13Okay, let's hear the story one more time.
10:15Okay, let me get this right now.
10:16My cousin Elliot in California passed away very suddenly while working out.
10:20And they think it's a heart attack.
10:21They're not sure.
10:22We weren't very close.
10:24Yeah, they say that.
10:24We weren't very close.
10:25But I need to fly out there immediately to support my family members.
10:29Uh, yeah.
10:30Good.
10:30If that don't work, we're going to have to shoot that bitch.
10:32You sure she's going to believe that?
10:34Granddad, the story's fine.
10:35Under no circumstances do you change that story.
10:38Got it?
10:41Fidel Castro.
10:43Oh, yeah.
10:43Me and Fidel go way back.
10:45I used to call him Fidede.
10:47But you know what I forgot?
10:48Today is Fidel Castro's birthday.
10:49And I'm in charge of the birthday party.
10:51So I got to fly out there.
10:52But I forgot, stupid me.
10:54I forgot to buy some balloons.
10:55So Jay-Z is going to loan me some, then fly me to Cuba for Fidel Castro's birthday party
11:00that I'm planning, like I said earlier.
11:02Yeah.
11:04Wow.
11:05I thought you were going to tell me you thought I was crazy and you didn't want to see me
11:08again
11:08like the others.
11:09No, girl.
11:11That's not at all what I was going to say.
11:12I'm enjoying this time with you.
11:14Are you kidding?
11:14I'm not blowing you off.
11:15Oh, no way.
11:16In fact, I was just telling Huey I would love to pursue a romantic relationship with you.
11:21Definitely.
11:22I'll call you as soon as I get back.
11:24From Cuba.
11:26And Fidel.
11:29Aww.
11:31You are such a cutie.
11:39Bye.
11:40Don't come back too soon.
11:41Maybe about 30 years, maybe.
11:43To no more weekend visit by crazy internet women.
11:48I really thought you blew it there with the Fidel Castro story.
11:53When you want to be, your granddaddy is a master of deception.
11:57Fidel Castro's birthday?
11:58Now you know that shit don't even sound right.
12:00You think he was lying?
12:01All I know is you drove all in my hours to spend time with him and he gonna send you
12:05home early?
12:06I don't give a fuck if it was Jesus' birthday.
12:08He said he'd invite me back soon.
12:10Soon?
12:10Psst.
12:11When is soon?
12:12Remember when Kenny said soon?
12:13Remember when Jamal said soon?
12:14Did any of them niggas call you back?
12:16You're right.
12:17And just so you know, I googled Fidel Castro's birthday.
12:21It isn't until August 13th.
12:27He lied to me.
12:29Mm-hmm.
12:30You see, girl, that's why I'm by myself.
12:32Love the vibrator.
12:34Better not get rid of it.
12:35First of all, if a woman is over 35 years old and she ain't married, then she must be nutty
12:40as squirrel shit.
12:41But everything else was so right.
12:43And by everything else, I mean her look.
12:44She was fine.
12:45She couldn't look that good.
12:46She was black.
12:47But I guess if you put lipstick and a wig on a monkey, it could look good too.
12:54A monkey and lipstick and a wig.
12:59I found him.
13:00He's in a park with another man.
13:02Oh, see?
13:03What did I tell you?
13:04See, that's exactly why I don't have a man.
13:06Because all these niggas is gay.
13:07No, they're just playing checkers.
13:09Oh, what girl?
13:10How his friend look?
13:11Black women just crazy.
13:13It's all that stuff they do to they hair.
13:15Straighteners and relaxers and activators and tight braids.
13:18Still look like an ape with a pretty head of hair.
13:20I don't think his friend likes the sisters too much.
13:23Ha!
13:24Oh, oh, isn't that a surprise?
13:26That's exactly why I don't have a man now.
13:28Well, I was really hoping it would work out with this one.
13:31Me too, baby.
13:34Oh, well.
13:34At least I got that crazy bitch out of my house.
13:37What happened, girl?
13:38Where he's at?
13:39He told his friend, I'm crazy.
13:42He said Luna was crazy.
13:45You know what you should do?
13:47Kidnap and torture his ass.
13:48How about that?
13:49He going around calling people crazy,
13:50or we going to show that nigga just who crazy.
13:54Granddad!
13:59Granddad, you home?
14:02Hey, where's Granddad?
14:04He's not here.
14:05I'll call his cell.
14:08His phone's dead.
14:16Don't worry, boys.
14:18I just want to have a friendly chat with your grandfather about honesty.
14:21No, Luna!
14:23I told you we should have shot that bitch!
14:25Oh, she's gone, she's gone, she's gone, yeah, she is, she's gone...
14:39I'm tapping out.
14:41I'm tapping.
14:44Shh, just go to sleep.
14:55Why did you lie to me, Robert?
14:57You're just like the other.
14:59What lie?
15:00You know what lie.
15:01Oh, you mean the Fidel Castro Jay-Z birthday party lie?
15:05Look, everybody lies.
15:06I love it when people lie to me.
15:08It means they care enough to spare my feelings.
15:10I heard you tell your friend I was crazy.
15:12Is that what you think?
15:14You think I'm crazy?
15:15Is that why you wanted me to leave?
15:20Do not lie to me!
15:24Hello?
15:25You got him, girl?
15:26Yeah, I got him.
15:27Now remember, none of this was your fault.
15:30This man took your weekend from you.
15:33Two days, you'll never get back.
15:34You gotta kill him.
15:44It's Tom.
15:47Right on time.
15:49Tom!
15:49Hey, Tom!
15:55Either of you make a sound.
15:57I will butt-rape your grandfather with this broomstick.
16:00Boys, don't make any noise!
16:02Shh!
16:04Oh, hi!
16:05You must be Robert's weekend visitor, Luna.
16:07I'm Tom.
16:09May I speak to Robert or the boys, please?
16:11They're not in.
16:11I'll tell them you stopped by.
16:12Can I, uh, use the bathroom?
16:15Is there something wrong with your bathroom?
16:17Um, this might seem strange, but, uh, do you think maybe I can come in and inspect the house?
16:22Inspect the house.
16:23Oh, jeez.
16:24Well, this is awkward, but, um, how do I do this?
16:27Okay.
16:28Uh, it's just that I got an email from Huey this morning, and it reads,
16:32Dear Tom, my granddad kicked a woman named Luna, that would be you, out of the house,
16:37and she may return and murder the whole family.
16:39Please check on us periodically this weekend.
16:41Best regards, Huey Freeman.
16:42P.S., if she says we're not in, please ask to search the house.
16:45We may be locked in our rooms.
16:47Oh, me and Robert patch things up.
16:49Yeah, I am so sure that's true.
16:51It's just that he goes on to say,
16:53P.P.S., there's absolutely no chance my granddad patched things up with this woman.
16:59I see.
17:00Um, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, P.P.P.S., be careful, she's very dangerous.
17:04Whoa!
17:10Flawless victory.
17:12Luna, this has gone far enough.
17:15Leave Tom out of this.
17:16But leave me out of this first.
17:18Let me go.
17:18I was falling in love with you, Robert.
17:20You're just like all the others.
17:23What others?
17:24Who are these others?
17:26And so she told them the very, very, very sad story of Luna.
17:30I was raised in a broken and abusive household.
17:33Bitch, this chicken is cold!
17:36When I turned 17, I ran away to Hong Kong, where I met triad boss Kenny Wu, my first love.
17:41Bitch, this chicken is cold!
17:43After that, I had one terrible relationship after another.
17:46I suffered every kind of abuse imaginable.
17:49Verbal?
17:49I told you not to wash my bloody ski mask with detergent because it irritates my fucking eczema!
17:55Spiritual?
17:56Look at you.
17:57Don't both want you but me.
17:59You ain't shit without me.
18:01You without me equals shit.
18:03You understand that, you ugly fat bitch?
18:07Now let me borrow your car.
18:09And then there was that summer I dated Jim Brown.
18:12Okay!
18:13Okay, we get it.
18:14You had a lot of bad relationships.
18:16Maybe you should go see a therapist.
18:17This isn't my fault!
18:18My friend Nicole says it's men like you, Robert, who lie and avoid commitment!
18:22If I could just find a man and love me!
18:33Damn it, Luna!
18:34Stop being a victim!
18:35I lied to get you out of the house because I was afraid you'd do something like this.
18:38And look, I was right!
18:39Don't take your past out on other people.
18:41That's the first step to a lonely life.
18:43And what was it about you that made you keep dating those kind of men?
18:47And you can't kidnap people just because they don't like you.
18:50Is that a good look, Luna?
18:51Oh, you're right.
18:53I didn't even want to kidnap you.
18:55I was listening to my stupid girlfriend, Nicole.
18:58Oh, I'm never gonna get married.
19:01I might as well just blow myself up right now.
19:05No!
19:06Wait, Luna, you have another choice.
19:09You're a beautiful, talented woman.
19:10And once you let go of the past, you'll be able to have any man you want.
19:14I don't know.
19:15Are you sure I shouldn't just blow myself up?
19:18No!
19:18Luna, it's like the great taboo master Billy Blanks always says.
19:23Take control of your life.
19:24Take responsibility.
19:26Put the grenade away and go home.
19:28You're right.
19:29I should take responsibility.
19:38You got him, girl?
19:39No.
19:40Everything's okay, Nicole.
19:41He told me I should take responsibility and let go of the past.
19:45So, you do all of that, he gonna marry you then?
19:49Hmm.
19:50You know what?
19:51He didn't say.
19:52Oh, Luna.
19:53That means no.
19:55Oh, my God, girl.
19:56I am so sorry.
19:57You told this man your life story and he just dished you like that?
20:01If a man said that to me, oh, my God, I don't think I can handle it.
20:03I would just freaking die.
20:04And that was the day Miss Luna decided to take responsibility for her own actions.
20:09She's still there?
20:10Why didn't she leave?
20:11Maybe she's still talking to her friend.
20:12Well, I hope her friend isn't giving her more bad advice.
20:15Oh!
20:17Um, okay.
20:19Then that was the day Miss Luna let her girlfriend talk her into blowing herself up
20:22instead of taking responsibility for her own actions.
20:25This weekend sucked.
20:26And it was all your fault, Granddad.
20:28It wasn't my fault.
20:28It was that crazy-ass Luna's fault for not taking responsibility.
20:31God rest her poor soul.
20:34Hello?
20:35Hello?
20:36What was that noise?
20:37Anyway, like I said, girl, if a man ever said that to me, I'll kill myself.
20:41I mean, you a stronger woman than me.
20:42Hello?
20:43Hello?
20:44A life without a man to take care of your ass ain't worth living?
20:46So go back in there, girl, and torture him until he proposes.
20:50That's what you need to do.
21:17That's what you need to do.
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