- 12 hours ago
After Huey's failed protest against the network, BET moved forward with its plans for the "Uncle Ruckus Reality Show."
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00:06Everyone, it's Thursday, so it's time for our Monday staff meeting.
00:09My name is Wedgie Rudland, and I'm the new super-duper smart Harvard-educated president
00:13of entertainment at BET.
00:15Yep.
00:15Do you know why I was given this job?
00:17Because you're super-duper smart.
00:18Yes, but why?
00:18Because you went to Harvard.
00:20Yes.
00:20Yep.
00:21But why would they want a super-duper smart guy who went to Harvard to run BET?
00:24I know.
00:28Because it's time to take BET in a new direction.
00:30Right on, Wedgie.
00:31Remember the first day I showed up, I asked, what's our highest-rated program?
00:33And you guys said, 106 in part with AJ and Free.
00:36Yes.
00:36Yep.
00:37And I said, great, fire them.
00:39Why?
00:39Because what you call success, Wedgie Rudland calls failure, and vice versa.
00:44See, when people ask me, have I made BET a success, I say no.
00:48It's time to redefine success, because once you embrace failure, you can't go anywhere else
00:53but up.
00:53That's a business theory they taught me at Harvard.
00:55It's called negative elevation.
00:56Now, I know I may be going a little too fast for some of you, but I'm happy to slow
00:59it down.
01:00Are there any questions?
01:01Is it true that you put a ban on two- and three-syllable words, man?
01:04Good question.
01:05Yes.
01:06Our research says we need to be focusing on the monosyllabic demographic.
01:10I believe lots of syllables confuses our viewers, especially those in the South.
01:14I got a question.
01:15Of course you do.
01:15You didn't go to Harvard.
01:16Do you have any experience running a network?
01:18Okay, see now?
01:19You're a hater.
01:20You're fired, so get on out of here.
01:22But I haven't been paid in three months.
01:24This is basically volunteer work for me.
01:26Oh.
01:27Well, quiet down so the rest of us who are getting paid can work.
01:30Thank you!
01:30You're the Harvard man.
01:31Okay.
01:32I would like everyone to please look under their chairs.
01:34You will find a copy of the Black Panther comic book that I wrote.
01:37Please read it carefully.
01:39This is the kind of super cool stuff we'll be doing at BET from now on.
01:42Chicken?
01:43Yep.
01:43Are you kidding me?
01:44That's your complimentary lunch.
01:45And the orange is your new health care plan.
01:49Antioxidants.
01:49Very important.
01:51Wait.
01:53Nope.
01:53Nope.
01:54Nope.
01:54You don't get any.
01:55We're fired.
01:56Okay, let's talk about some new shows.
01:58As you know, we're starting BET Animation.
02:01Here's what I want to see.
02:02I'm thinking rappers.
02:03Young MC roller skating.
02:05Edginess.
02:05He's going too fast.
02:06His brakes don't work.
02:08We'll get Tone Loke to do the voice.
02:09Okay.
02:10Hmm.
02:10How about an animated version of Hamburglar?
02:13He's a hungry thug.
02:14It's gritty like the wire.
02:15He does a drive-by on Burger King.
02:17McDonald's can co-finance.
02:19We'll call it beef.
02:21Wait a minute.
02:21I'm seeing a Flintstones thing happening here.
02:24Dino could be a Rottweiler.
02:25Maybe a pit bull.
02:26Instead of Bedrock, we're in Africa.
02:28We're keeping it real.
02:29You got that?
02:30Got it, Wedgie.
02:31All right.
02:32Next up, reality.
02:33The ruckus reality show.
02:35I'm digging it.
02:35I'm feeling it.
02:36It's what's good.
02:37Let's do that show.
02:38Wait a minute.
02:39Is this the show about the black man who hates black people?
02:42I hear that tone.
02:43The head of Viacom personally asked me to make this show.
02:46He was being sarcastic.
02:48No!
02:49Excuse me?
02:50Which one of us went to Harvard, huh?
02:51Did you go to Harvard?
02:53You think you understand white humor more than me?
02:55You know what?
02:55Shush.
02:56You don't even work here anymore.
02:57Now.
02:58The rest of you, get a crew.
02:59Get out to WordPress or wherever that guy's from.
03:02And let's make the Uncle Ruckus show happen.
03:06I am the stone that the builder refused.
03:09I am the visual, the inspiration that made ladies sing the blues.
03:12I'm the spark that makes your idea bright.
03:14The same spark that lights the dark so that you can know you're left from your right.
03:17I am the ballad in your box.
03:18The bullet in the gun.
03:19The inner glow that lets you know to call your brother's son.
03:22The story that just begun.
03:23The promise of what's to come.
03:25And I'm going to remain a soldier till the war is won.
03:41I wake up at a quarter of five in the a.m. every morning.
03:44That's about 12 hours before most niggas wake up.
03:49I am a very spiritual person.
03:51I start each day by thanking the white man for the sunrise.
03:55For the land I walk on.
03:56For the air I breathe.
03:58I also apologize for niggas.
04:00But Lord knows they ain't going to apologize for themselves.
04:04I am not black.
04:05Nor do I consider myself to be black.
04:08Many people mistake me for being negro because they don't know that I am currently living with the heartbreak of
04:13Revitiligo.
04:14That's a skin condition that's the opposite of what Michael Jackson's got.
04:18Every morning I apply this topical ointment made of bleach and sulfur.
04:21I like to think it works.
04:23Luckily I hadn't gotten much darker in the last few years.
04:26As you can see here.
04:28I enjoy building small shrines to certain special white people who are important in my life.
04:33This one here is dedicated to John Wayne.
04:35Great white man.
04:37Didn't take no shit from niggas, Indians, nor Mexicans.
04:41And this one here is for George Busty first.
04:43Loved him.
04:44Now this one here is dedicated to the most soul for soul singers to ever live.
04:52Yeah, I work about 32 jobs over the course of a week.
04:55I think it's interesting I got 32 jobs and most niggas say they can't find one.
05:01Niggas.
05:04Now one of the great pleasures of my day is taking all these pretty little white chilies to school in
05:09the morning.
05:13I keep the bus nice and clean for them.
05:16These kids, oh, excuse me, excuse me.
05:17Oh, hello there, Miss Madison.
05:19How is my little sunshine?
05:21Whoa, whoa, whoa.
05:21Hold it right there.
05:23Where's the gun, huh?
05:24Where's the gun?
05:25Go on, get, get, get out of here.
05:27Go do your little hiffy-fiffy dances and niggas monkey shuffle somewhere else.
05:31This here bus is for kids with a future.
05:36That's right, that's right.
05:38Get your lady asses some exercise.
05:40Y'all should just go be rappers.
05:42Get into a beef and then shoot each other.
05:49Desegregation ruined the American school system.
05:52When did Tesco's across the country drop?
05:54After desegregation.
05:55When did drug use and violence in schools go up?
05:58After desegregation.
05:59There was never no white kids shooting up nothing before they started going to school with niggas.
06:04These little angels wouldn't even know what a gun was.
06:08The white man is a peace-loving man.
06:11People say the key to fixing the problems of Negroes is education.
06:15But I say education is not the answer.
06:18Why bother?
06:19And what do niggas do in college anyway?
06:22Oh, they go there.
06:23They party.
06:24Get drunk for four or five years and end up just as ignorant as when they came in.
06:29You ever seen these nigger fraternities and sororities?
06:31You ever seen these things?
06:33Silliest shit I ever seen in my life.
06:35You think Aristotle turned to Achilles and said,
06:38Hey, let's create a fraternity and jump up and down barking like dogs.
06:42Hell no.
06:43White man out there getting Nobel Prizes and doing business deals in the fraternities.
06:48Niggas jumping up and down with candy canes and doing all kinds of silly shit with their hands.
06:53People say there's no difference between races.
06:56But I tell you what, I've been cleaning bathrooms for a long time.
07:00And I can say, white man shit just don't smell the same as black African shit.
07:04See, the white man just got a better liver.
07:07White man eats his meat raw.
07:08See, that's healthier.
07:09He calls it tartare.
07:11Well, how you doing this fine day, sir?
07:14May I say your dookie smells like sparkling ice water with a twist of lime.
07:19See, that's why he don't have to wash his hands neither.
07:22Yes, sir, white man has impeccable hygiene.
07:26Hey there, little mulatto girl.
07:28You waiting on your daddy?
07:29Yes.
07:30Yeah, she talking about her daddy, Tom.
07:32He married to a white woman.
07:34Lucky sumbitch.
07:35There he is.
07:39Sorry I'm late, pumpkin.
07:42Lord have mercy.
07:44Tom, if you're wearing a skirt...
07:46This isn't a skirt, Ruckus.
07:47It's a kilt.
07:48It's part of my Scottish heritage.
07:51Now, you stop that right there.
07:52That's blasphemy against Mel Gibson and the proud Scottish people.
07:56Mel Gibson isn't Scottish.
07:57Press your mouth.
07:58The Scottish man deserves better than you making a mockery of his history.
08:02But, Ruckus, I am part Scottish.
08:0332.5%, actually.
08:05I just found out.
08:06I took one of those tests where they trace your DNA and tell you your exact ethnic makeup.
08:11It's fun.
08:12You should try it.
08:12You 30% Scottish?
08:14Black as you is?
08:15I know.
08:16Is this a white doctor or a docker that gave me this test?
08:18Not that it matters, but yes, he was white.
08:21Well, hell, that's all you had to say.
08:23A white doctor is 99.9% reliable.
08:26A black doctor is an oxymoron.
08:27Unless it's a witch doctor.
08:30Well, well, well.
08:32Who knows?
08:32Maybe I'll take me one of them tests.
08:33I mean, why should Alex Haley be the only person to discover their roots, you know?
08:39I'm sorry, Alex what?
08:40You know, Alex Haley.
08:42Roots.
08:43Roots?
08:43What is that, some kind of gardening show?
08:44You're joking, right?
08:46Roots.
08:47You know.
08:48Roots.
08:49Yeah, I don't follow you.
08:50Roots.
08:51Roots.
08:52Roots.
08:52You've never heard of Roots?
08:53The miniseries?
08:54Come here, honey.
08:56Hold on.
08:59Roots.
08:59I don't know nothing about what you're talking about.
09:02Now, the first thing you should know about me is that I have a case of the re-vitiligo.
09:06It's the opposite of what Michael Jackson got.
09:08No, see, I'm not that kind of doctor.
09:10I'm more of a scientist or a technician.
09:13We can trace genetic markers to different regions of the world and know exactly what your makeup is.
09:17Well, don't let this hen out of shell fool you.
09:20I'm as white as they come.
09:21My favorite movies are Gone with the Wind and Nodding Hill.
09:27Mistress Leavel, remember when you asked us for a way to destroy the minds of black children at an even
09:31younger age?
09:32Oh, sure.
09:32Well, you'll be happy to know that I started BET Animation to do just that.
09:37Splendid.
09:38Oh, I love cartoons.
09:39Especially evil ones.
09:40Yeah.
09:41Mistress Leavel, we have a kid's show coming on called Super Cyborg Mandingo Man.
09:45Yeah.
09:46We go there.
09:47He's an African warrior.
09:49Yes, yes.
09:49Get to the evil part.
09:50Well, maybe I should just show you.
09:52We have the pilot.
09:53What's that?
09:53The script?
09:54Actually, we spent all our money on the Vin Diesel show.
09:57Oh, my God.
09:57He's so awesome.
09:58So we got to do this one with a flip book.
10:01Hmm.
10:02Well, it certainly isn't competent, but we're missing something.
10:05What are we missing, people?
10:05A budget?
10:07Yes, but no.
10:07Talent?
10:08Yes, but no.
10:09A work ethic?
10:09Pride?
10:10Self-respect?
10:11What network do you work for?
10:12BET.
10:13And what does that stand for?
10:14Black Entertainment...
10:16No!
10:18Black evil television.
10:21It's not enough that the shows are bad.
10:23They have to be evil as well.
10:26Send in my evil henchmen!
10:29These are my evil henchmen.
10:31Big nigger and crazy bitch.
10:33Big nigger, crazy bitch, teach this person the meaning of black and evil.
10:38Oh, no, this nigger didn't!
10:39No!
10:40Mr. Sleeve-o, please!
10:42We'll make it more evil, I promise!
10:44Oh, hell no!
10:44This motherfuckin' good!
10:47Wedgie, please!
10:48Save me!
10:50Save me!
10:51Oof!
10:53Oof!
10:55Oof!
10:56Oof!
10:56Oof!
10:57Oof!
10:57Oof!
10:57Oof!
10:59Oof!
10:59Oof!
11:00Oof!
11:00Oof!
11:01Oof!
11:01Wedgie Radlin!
11:02Oof!
11:03This Uncle Ruckus show.
11:05How's it going?
11:06Oof!
11:08Great!
11:08Fantastic!
11:09Oof!
11:09Is it evil?
11:11Oh, absolutely.
11:13I hope so, Wedgie.
11:15For your sake.
11:24because if it's not evil then you know what's gonna happen and by happen i mean you'll be killed
11:30or at least very seriously injured so so you know just make sure it's evil ah here it is my
11:37test
11:38results can you hear my heart beating oh the white man science is amazing ain't it
11:46oh no this can't be it says i'm 102 percent african with a two percent margin of error
11:55why lord why lord why
12:00i got something for a fraternity of niggas a fraternity of bananas up a tree
12:12black fraternity should have an african name black fraternity boogie boogie boogie boogie
12:17i got a black fraternity for you it's called prison jail fire jail nigga you know jail fire jail
12:23mr ellen there's a problem on the record shoot what's the problem he hasn't gotten out of bed
12:29in three days he got some bad test results or something yes yes yes i know you went to harvard
12:36yeah okay he said just keep filming well i'm black now so the first thing i did was quit all
12:45my jobs
12:46i don't know how i'm supposed to pay the bills probably have to start selling crack
12:51or rapping rapping about selling crack
12:57you know i might not even have every bit of ligo
13:04okay i'm black what am i supposed to do now
13:10so this is it huh is this what you do all day sit there reading books that make you think
13:15better of
13:15yourself huh black man can't get nowhere with his little pecan-sized mind so now you can read now
13:21what what you gonna do now oh uh-huh nothing that's what i thought you know why because we
13:28niggas both of us and that's and that's all we ever gonna be that's all we ever gonna be
13:37so this is what i have to look forward to as a black man huh just sitting around playing playstation
13:42all day waiting for the next madness come out maybe i should go out and put rims and all kind
13:47of
13:48goofy shit on my truck oh we probably gonna die in a second now from one of these conditions and
13:54diseases that niggas get you name it diabetes gout high blood pressure asthma sicker cells oh ruckus
14:01stop this is all in your damn head you're the exact same fool you were last week you were black
14:07then
14:07you're black now and you're gonna be black tomorrow ain't nothing wrong with being black if you give it
14:12a chance you might actually like it mm-hmm ruckus what are we doing here well this is what niggas
14:19do
14:19right buy sneakers then maybe lady will buy loud stereos and b-rate women and rap lyrics is this the
14:25kind of shit you niggas put on your feet nowadays it looks like a damn astronaut shoe i'm black i'm
14:31not
14:31walking to the moon i'm walking to the liquor store ruckus stop come on man lebron james allen iverson
14:38can i get a shoe named after a white man please excuse me doc in the zebra shirt can i
14:45get a bruce
14:45jenner sneaker man hell with this bullshit you on your own i'm not leaving here till i get me a
14:50shoe
14:51named after a white man john stockton peter pete maravich anybody i ain't saying i like the democrats
14:58i don't they sure as hell don't know what the fuck they do but the republicans they don't
15:05fuck the country all they have yeah i do look at iraq president over there killing black folk
15:10mm-hmm they're black i wish you tried to save me that right i'll tell that motherfucking bush to kiss
15:14my black hair now that's enough that's enough time out negroes time out i can't sit here and let
15:19y'all badmouth my president did any of y'all niggas hit a president when he said iraq was central
15:25to the
15:26global war on terror or did y'all miss it because he wasn't speaking in baboon instead of sitting
15:33around here chopping the brillo off each other's heads y'all sure take your black asses to iraq and
15:38help fight for our freedom a little more off the sides please damn gorilla terrorist
15:50just what is going on why have you kidnapped me and now doctor we will discuss your methods of dna
15:58testing no please no
16:05why does this always happen when we try to use the goddamn torture machine can somebody please get
16:10the power back on so we can use a torture machine i think someone forgot to pay the bill wedgie
16:15will
16:15someone pay the fucking bill the dark brown shades of my skin
16:25only add color to my tears
16:32that splash against my hollow bones
16:37that rocks my soul
16:46looking back over my false dreams
16:49that i will sue
16:50oh yeah
16:51oh yeah
16:52well you niggas please shut the hell up
16:55i'm trying to watch this piece of shit movie
17:05somebody tell me what can i do
17:11ruckus
17:12what the hell are you guys doing you were gonna let him kill himself you said just keep filming so
17:20he's
17:20the star you're gonna let the star commit suicide but it's reality i mean the uncle ruckus show if
17:27there's no uncle ruckus there's no show oh so from now on we're supposed to stop him if he attempts
17:32to
17:32commit suicide yes but i shouldn't have to tell you that you should just know it oh
17:39great that's great that's just great
17:43oh what's the point what's the point in living there's nothing to look forward to just a life of
17:49rap music and 40 ounces what i'm supposed to do now huh be somebody baby daddy hang out on the
17:55corner all day and night shooting dice cops chasing me all the time my body ain't made to handle a
18:01stun gun ain't got but two or three shows on tv to identify with ruckus you make a very compelling
18:07argument but i know that you're gonna get through this is this what i'm supposed to be reading now
18:12huh this vibe the source jet you call this a magazine look at this this is a pamphlet filled
18:18and screamed national review soldier of fortune those are magazines this is a brochure ebony they
18:26should call this national geographic except the photos are better essence essence of what essence
18:31of ugliness ruckus we have a saying at bet we hate black people and i know you share that same
18:39sentiment but i've learned how i can use my blackness against the black race look at bet you think we
18:45put this on the air because it's entertaining you think we sit down and say hey let's be entertaining
18:51how about a ball when hills reality show i have good taste gregory hines is entertaining sammy
18:57davis jr he's entertaining you think i can relate to anything these young niggas have to say no we air
19:03this shit because we despise our audience are there other ways to make money yes of course yes yes yes
19:08but they all require more work this is easy and the only people who suffer the only people who suffer
19:15ruckus are black children i think we both can live with that wedgie rudlin you sure do have profound
19:22insights but i don't know i i just don't think i can stand life as a donkey
19:30aha it's you you did this to me you gave me that test yes i know and i came because
19:38there was a
19:38mistake at the lab we had a black intern there i didn't know about he messed up your test here
19:44are your
19:44actual results well i'll be hallelujah hallelujah how dare you mistakenly inform a man of his blackness
19:56you should be ashamed to call yourself a white doctor i'm sorry see ruckus you were worried about
20:02nothing well wedgie i must say for a donkey you are not that difficult to hang around now you said
20:08you
20:08learned all that stuff in harvard well i definitely didn't learn it at one of those historically black
20:13colleges
20:20oh it sure feel good to be white again
20:27i'll tell you what living even for a few days as a black man gave old uncle ruckus a whole
20:32new
20:32perspective on life and a whole lot more sympathy towards colored folks i'll tell you that
20:38oh look what we have here you're for real we're not trying to play with you today
20:42ruckus we're just trying to cross the street well go right ahead you young brothers have a blessed day
20:48assalamu alaikum
20:55oh
20:56oh
20:56Oh, hey!
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