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Seth and Sean lay out reasons to hate every single opponent on the Texans' 2026 schedule.
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00:00Texan schedule. I thought this would be good, Seth, just to start to prepare.
00:04You know, the same way the players are preparing for the season, starting next week.
00:09OTAs are next week. You get OTAs late next week, and then the following week, there's three OTA sessions,
00:15and then in the second week of June, we got minicamp. Everybody's getting ready for the season.
00:19So I thought, similar to kind of how we've gone through the schedule a couple times already since it's come
00:24out,
00:24go through the schedule in sort of a classic, petty, Payne and Pendergast, grudge,
00:32five reasons I hate you type of lens. You know, start to get our hate on for all 17 games
00:37here.
00:37So I won't do, we're not going to do five reasons for each game, but just sort of like a
00:41Costco sampler.
00:42You know, just like one reason for each game, just to start to get people in that frame of mind
00:47for when the season hits four months from now, they're ready to go.
00:52So in order, week one, the Bills' reason to hate and be petty, they employ C.J. Gardner-Johnson.
01:01I had not remembered that. I'd forgotten that C.J. Gardner-Johnson is a Buffalo Bill.
01:06Yeah, it was like a minor headline for about three hours before something else happened,
01:11and it was fun because I got to go through and read all of the people saying the exact same
01:16things
01:16I was saying one year prior, or less than a year prior, about all of the, hey, if you can
01:22harness the upside
01:23and his playmaking ability and all those things, and they're very, very true.
01:26I think C.J. Gardner-Johnson's a classic guy. He has yet to find the locker room where he's an
01:31awesome fit.
01:33Even in Philadelphia, they just pretty much said, boy, it was a great, magical year we had.
01:38Twice!
01:39Winning the Super Bowl, yeah. But enough is enough, okay? Yeah, twice. They went back to him twice.
01:46And I think likewise, who knows, with the Bills, it might be that, it might be just that same thing.
01:51I think what you hope for, this is what you've got to hope for, if Nick Caley is crafty enough.
01:55C.J. Gardner-Johnson, if you can get him up in his feelings and feel like this is a revenge
02:00game for him somehow.
02:01We'll get him to jump some double moves and just take him out of scheme a little bit.
02:06I know because of some carefully placed leaks to Texans media after C.J. Gardner-Johnson was released,
02:14that the Texans know exactly where his vulnerabilities are and when he does and doesn't play the scheme.
02:20So that'll be an interesting little tweak is the potential they can dupe C.J. Gardner-Johnson.
02:25Absolutely. Week two, Bengals. Man, I went through the whole roster.
02:29I'm having a hard time finding anybody to hate on the Bengals.
02:32I tried to find reasons to hate Dexter Lawrence. I can't hate him.
02:35I just think that he's a little annoying with the way he annoys for contracts every year,
02:39but that's not our problem.
02:40So I just, they're cheap and their city signature dish is spaghetti with chili-flavored diarrhea on top of it.
02:46Oh, okay, yeah, we need the listeners to help us out with hating on the Bengals.
02:51Dexter Lawrence is my biggest, that's my first really, really fun test of the newfangled interior offensive line
02:58that you've got one of the best nose tackles in the league.
03:02Week one versus the Bills, they were one of the worst run defenses in the league last year,
03:06so hopefully the Texans can get something going on the ground.
03:09But versus the Bengals, and the Bengals were one of the worst defenses in the league,
03:12but they really bolstered their front seven,
03:14and just the individual matchup versus Dexter Lawrence is a big test for them early in the season.
03:20Huge, yeah, huge.
03:21All right, week three, getting our hate on.
03:23Chris Ballard has a bridge troll vibe to him, you know, where he's kind of got that, you know,
03:28kind of got that look, kind of got that voice where he's like,
03:30yeah, we just got the best defensive player in the draft.
03:34Right, right, right.
03:35He pats himself on the back so aggressively.
03:38Yes.
03:38And now the owner there, the Carly Ursae.
03:41Yeah.
03:42She's in the room.
03:44She is a big part of, I think, feeling like the Colts are tougher than anybody else on the block.
03:50Oh, yeah.
03:51Chris Ballard and Carly Ursae just don't take no crap from nobody.
03:55You know what else they do, which I hate,
03:57is they do the orchestrated standing ovations in the war room after their picks.
04:02Yeah, they pat themselves on the back.
04:04Horrible, yes, exactly, exactly.
04:05Let's give ourselves a standing O.
04:07Yep.
04:07Week four, they play the Cowboys.
04:09The fact that the Cowboys somehow convinced Ian Rapoport
04:13to proclaim that Jerry Jones is proactive as an owner bothers me still.
04:17Yeah, no, and that Ian Rapoport, when he did that,
04:20it was when they had let somebody go to the transition tag already
04:25before they finally gave him a new contract.
04:27Right.
04:28That's not being proactive.
04:29No.
04:29That's like, it's not letting it drag out on into the regular season
04:34or before this, like, at a holdout situation.
04:36But it's not proactive.
04:37No, no.
04:38It's just, what do you, come on.
04:39Yeah, so that's, they're able to doop Ian Rapoport into that.
04:43That bothers me.
04:44Week number five, we just talked about the Titans, plenty of reasons to hate them.
04:49Brian Dayball is back there.
04:51Brian Dayball, who in the general manager, the front office version of Hard Knocks,
04:56came across as one of the dopiest, dumbest head coaches I've ever seen
05:00about the sport of, about how football operates.
05:03And maybe this was just editing.
05:05You never know with those shows.
05:07But it looked like, like, just within a couple weeks of the draft,
05:11like, he was just getting clued in on some prospects.
05:13On how the draft works.
05:15Yeah, that's right.
05:16Or even how the draft works.
05:17Yeah.
05:19You know what, also, too, I always feel like he's, he's, he's, he, to me,
05:23feels like one of those guys that people wanted to name him a QB guru
05:29based on just the good work of actual, like, Josh Allen just being a good quarterback.
05:34Yeah.
05:34Or, or Saquon Barkley and what Saquon Barkley could do for Daniel Jones.
05:38Boy, Brian Dayball is a hell of a quarterback coach when Saquon Barkley is healthy and awesome.
05:43He's running back.
05:44Yeah.
05:44Yeah.
05:45Yeah.
05:46So that's, that's week five, the Titans.
05:48Brian Dayball, he's also, he's, he also put all that weight back on, too.
05:52That's not a reason to hate him.
05:53That's a reason to feel sorry for him.
05:56Week six.
05:56Put him in a room with Tavondre Sweat.
05:58There you go.
05:59A pity party for him afterwards.
06:00That's right.
06:01Okay.
06:03Okay.
06:03I think we can be very clear.
06:05I don't feel sorry for Brian Dayball putting all that weight back on.
06:07All right.
06:08I think, I think we know that.
06:10Week six, Jags in London.
06:14That's an easy one.
06:15The magnificent Gladstone telling everybody to behold the beauty that he has put together.
06:21The 2026 Jacksonville Jaguars.
06:23I know.
06:24So this is the problem, man, too.
06:25It's, I wish Travis Hunter were a more unlikable dude.
06:28I really like Travis Hunter.
06:30I just, I hated that he went to the Jaguars and that's where they're going to play that
06:34experiment out.
06:35Because I try to dredge up hatred for Travis Hunter and I can't do it.
06:38I can't either.
06:39But James Gladstone talking about Travis Hunter is enough to, enough for me that I kind of,
06:44I just lump it all into one big thing.
06:46Travis Hunter is collateral damage in that whole thing.
06:49Yeah.
06:49He's just, sorry.
06:50You're the, you're the guy that Gladstone's pulling in front of the bus.
06:53It is the pain and Pendergast hate train.
06:56Um, so Gladstone, the reason for the Jags in week six in London, week seven giants, let's
07:02stick with the GM, uh, Joe Shane, who likes to dupe old people.
07:06Remember when he sat down with John Mara and was like, Oh, I don't know.
07:10I, you know, I'm getting, I'm seeing this.
07:12What's the latest?
07:13Yeah.
07:13What's the latest with Saquon?
07:15And then he's basically lying to the old man.
07:17He's just lying to the guy.
07:18If Joe Shane weren't a GM, he'd be running some sort of email scam or some spam number scam,
07:24calling old people, trying to dupe them out of their money.
07:26The same way he duped John Mara into thinking they had any shot at bringing Saquon Barkley
07:31back to the giants two years ago.
07:33Plus, um, you know what?
07:34Matt Nagy, uh, I just, he's there now too.
07:37Yeah.
07:38He's the offensive coordinator and Greg Romans in the building too.
07:41So John Harbaugh has a couple of, he's got, yeah, it might be a little too many chefs
07:44in the kitchen.
07:45Chefs in the kitchen and players on the roster.
07:48He's, he's taking all the, all the janky parts of the Ravens and bringing them all to New
07:52York with him.
07:53Although Roman did a good job for a while with, uh, Oh no, no, no.
07:56Yeah.
07:56Roman's a classic.
07:57You just wonder, okay.
07:58It seems like he's able to bring some quarterbacks up to a certain level, but is he able to just
08:02get them over the top?
08:04Yeah.
08:04But for a guy like Jackson Dart, especially, I, I think that there's a good chance that,
08:09um, if they try to, they try to do the same stuff with Jackson Dart that they did with
08:14Lamar Jackson when Greg Roman was there.
08:16Jackson Dart is going to be eating, he'll be eating his, uh, soup with a fork.
08:21Um, by that, I mean like the occupational therapist is going to be trying to tell him
08:25like, no, we're trying to learn how to use a fork, but you, you want to use a fork on
08:30solid food.
08:31And Jackson Dart's going to go, man, that kid.
08:36Okay.
08:36Now we're going to practice sliding today.
08:39Um, week eight is the bi-week.
08:43No reason to hate that.
08:44Um, week nine is the chargers.
08:46Seth, this is an easy one.
08:48Two words, Trevor Penning.
08:51Oh, we're doing six.
08:55Oh, lineman of the year for the worst offensive line in football.
08:58Yep.
08:59Yep.
08:59Yep.
08:59He's not going to be anywhere near the field.
09:02No, they actually, the chargers have the chance to actually have a genuinely good offensive
09:06line this year, which means that Trevor, uh, Trevor Penning probably isn't going to be
09:10on the roster if he is, but God, I hope so.
09:13Yeah.
09:13If he's actually, if they have to start him or something.
09:15Yeah.
09:15Oh, the things that Will Anderson did to Trevor Penning in his rookie year.
09:18It was awesome.
09:18Yeah.
09:19It was, uh, it was damn near, it should have been illegal.
09:22He just destroyed him.
09:23Pulp fiction style.
09:24Yes.
09:24Yeah.
09:24Uh, but he's on the roster now and on May 19th, that's a reason to hate the Los Angeles
09:30chargers, uh, week 10 Browns, Deshaun Watson.
09:35But if that's too easy, then how about the owner's wife, D Haslam, who wouldn't shut up
09:41at that one press conference telling us exactly how counseling works.
09:46Remember that?
09:46Yes.
09:47Listen, they didn't see a problem with Deshaun, but also remember the counseling is going
09:52to take a lot, a long time to kick in.
09:54He's fine, but it's going to take a while for the counseling to kick in.
09:58He's absolutely fine, but it's going to take a long time for him to get to fine.
10:03Okay.
10:03Yep.
10:03No more questions.
10:04No, that's it.
10:06Um, all right.
10:07Uh, people are weighing in by the way.
10:09Um, Joe, they, there's people that don't like Joe Burrow.
10:11You were asking for reasons to hate the Bengals.
10:13Where are you on Burrow?
10:14I, I, I, I like Burrow.
10:16Fine.
10:16I feel like Burrow's a little too diva-ish at times.
10:21It's not just because he dresses funky or anything like that.
10:24I think the biggest thing about Burrow for me is just, I don't, for quarterbacks, I look
10:29at durability as, uh, an athletic trait.
10:32The, the really good quarterbacks don't spend 50% of their seasons, uh, on IR.
10:37And yet that's what Joe Burrow does.
10:39He routinely misses a half of a football season.
10:41Yep.
10:42Availability.
10:42Um, week 11, reasons to hate every opponent on the Texans schedule.
10:47This is the show that you come to this for, uh, or come for this, uh, week 11, Colts.
10:53So we already had Ballard in the first Colts game.
10:55So now we're getting into the second divisional games here.
10:58Yeah.
10:58Anthony Richardson is still on that team.
11:01Anthony Richardson quits in the middle of games.
11:03Mm-hmm.
11:04And he does not care how hard he throws the ball at his receivers.
11:07It's their responsibility to catch the football.
11:09We had that quote from the Combine where he just said, if it got, uh, just catch it.
11:15If I throw it too hard, catch it.
11:16That's his, uh, that's his definition of throwing with touch.
11:19And that's how you end up with an awesome highlight reel, but awful actual performances.
11:24I would say with, with the Colts, I think too, uh, like Pat McAfee, this is enough.
11:28All right.
11:29Uh, just, uh, Pat McAfee, who's just somehow a fair weather cancel.
11:34I'm going to cancel my, I'm going to cancel my season tickets.
11:37I'm so disgusted with this organization.
11:39I don't need you.
11:40You're either a Colts fan or you're not.
11:42That's, that's a great one that, you know what?
11:45That's a, that's a better one than Anthony Richardson.
11:47That's a really good one.
11:48All right.
11:48Week 12 Ravens Sunday afternoon at NRG stadium, soon to be Reliance stadium.
11:53I did not know this, Seth.
11:55Trevor Penning has a brother.
11:57His name is Jared and he is on the Baltimore Ravens.
12:01So I'm adding the second Penning brother guilt by association to a reason to hate on a team
12:08in the NFL.
12:09Yeah.
12:10Uh, I think, uh, you know what, for me, Derek Henry and just the fact that Derek Henry for
12:16so long, absolutely owned the Texans.
12:18And yet now Derek Henry has had some of his worst games in his career versus the Texans.
12:24Um, the actual worst game of his career was in 2023 versus the Texans.
12:29Yep.
12:30Um, but like they, when, when he doesn't have Lamar Jackson next to him in the backfield,
12:34the Texans do a great job of bottling him up.
12:36Like last year.
12:37I just want to see him bottle up Derek Henry.
12:39Well, Lamar Jackson was, uh, is also on the field.
12:42Yeah.
12:42You know what?
12:43Also just as a, sort of a sub hate Diego Pavia is on the Baltimore Ravens right now.
12:48Yeah.
12:48For now, he won't be what to start the season, but he's on the team for now.
12:53Um, Steelers week 13, Aaron Rogers is a little too easy.
12:58Um, Mike McCarthy, Mike McCarthy is the dictionary definition of retread for me.
13:03Uh, I'm not a Mike McCarthy guy and, uh, and that's, you know, basically I had a hard
13:09time finding other reasons other than Aaron Rogers to hate the Steelers, but I've never
13:12been a huge Mike McCarthy guy.
13:14I think he's a little overrated.
13:15You know, the Steelers are hard to hate because I think for one, Steelers fans are way more
13:19self-aware than say Cowboys fans.
13:21So if you talk about two organizations that have had great, great eras in their history,
13:27um, the Steelers fans are the ones that more quickly and immediately realized, Hey bro,
13:32what are we doing here?
13:34We're like a slightly above average team making the playoffs isn't enough.
13:38Enough already.
13:39They don't sit there wasting time telling you about how great Terry Bradshaw was back in
13:43the day or, or, Oh, you better watch out.
13:46Remember what we did to you in 1992?
13:48There's none of that with the Steelers.
13:50They, they understand the severity of the situation and they want their team to do something about
13:54it, which makes it hard for me to hate the Steelers because I keep seeing them do the
13:58same thing over and over and over again with these aging quarterbacks.
14:02Yeah, no, that's, that's fair.
14:04That's, that's a good point.
14:05I think my, my, my thing, the one thing I would say is I hit pause on Steeler fans just
14:10for a second here is they've never really been put to the test with bad football.
14:17Oh, you know, they like the Cowboys have picked fourth in the draft before in recent years.
14:23You know, they've never, they've never really been put to the test.
14:27If they get put to the test with a four and 13 season at some point, are they doing the
14:32very annoying thing you were talking about, which is going, Oh, Terry Bradshaw, boy, who
14:37was a better Superbowl quarterback, big Ben or Terry Bradshaw, that kind of thing.
14:41You know what we could do is this game.
14:43It's almost got to be that after the playoff game last year, a lot of people were saying,
14:48Oh boy, look at Rogers is definitely done.
14:50There's no way he wants to come back for more of this.
14:53And lo and behold, in one of his earliest decisions ever in an off season, he decides
14:58to come back for more with a healthy pay raise.
15:01And I think the, the, the thing that he did last year was, Hey, they, they went on a nice
15:05run at the end of the season.
15:06The Texans can be part of making that decision for Aaron Rogers and for the Steelers.
15:11Like, all right, this is the, you still got games to play after this.
15:15And Aaron Rogers just threw six interceptions.
15:17Yes.
15:17Can you, can you do that for the Steelers?
15:19Yes.
15:20Do it.
15:20Yeah.
15:21Do it for the Steeler fans.
15:22Uh, week 14 at the commanders, Laramie Tunsell vet vet.
15:26Oh yeah.
15:28First game against Tunsell since he, since he, uh, got traded first game against Tunsell.
15:33And I think that, yeah, the ideal scenario here would be that it's gotta be, people need
15:37to understand that it's not just, it's not just false starts.
15:41It's false starts that erase a big play on offense.
15:45It's false starts in critical situations.
15:48If he has a couple of false starts in the fourth quarter on a critical drive, um, I would be
15:53just, that would make my season.
15:55Oh, that's my Superbowl.
15:56Yes.
15:56I just want people to understand how it hurts.
15:58I want to be able to go back and I know you've kept receipts of all of those people, uh,
16:03in
16:03the commanders fan base and in their sports media who are acting like we're a bunch of
16:07dumb hicks for, for caring about false starts.
16:11Yep.
16:11Yeah.
16:11I know who they are and they did what the Texans did a couple of times, paid extra to
16:16keep the false starts on their roster.
16:18Yep.
16:18They just gave him 30 million a year on his extension.
16:21Um, all right, we're getting down to it.
16:22Final four games, week 15, they're playing the Jags again.
16:25Uh, we already did the magnificent Gladstone.
16:28There's a reason, um, Trevor Lawrence and his flowing locks and his horrible commercials.
16:33Boy, that commercial that he and Travis Hunter did last year.
16:37I think it was for Adidas, if I'm not mistaken.
16:39They're doing the footloose dancing.
16:40Yes.
16:41Yeah.
16:42Super uncomfortable.
16:43Awkward.
16:44Yeah.
16:44Not good.
16:45It was, uh, and also this was around week 15, a couple of years ago, wasn't it?
16:50When Trevor Lawrence decided to slide late.
16:52Week 13.
16:53It was week 13.
16:54Aziz Alshire was blamed for him sliding late.
16:56But then remember the really annoying thing was that it was widely reported that Trevor Lawrence
17:02was out for the season with a concussion.
17:04Yeah.
17:04Instead of the fact of the matter, which was no, Trevor Lawrence was out with a shoulder injury
17:08for the rest of the season.
17:09And he played like ass in that game leading up to him sliding way too late.
17:13They were better after he left that game.
17:15Yeah.
17:16Matt Jones was better in that game.
17:18The victim crying by the Jaguars after that game and trying to pin it all on Aziz Alshire
17:24was pathetic.
17:25It was un-American.
17:25Uh, it was, it was, it was wrong.
17:28Okay.
17:28Good.
17:28I'm glad.
17:29Okay.
17:29I'm glad I put Trevor Lawrence.
17:30Sorry.
17:31I love America.
17:31No, no, no.
17:32All right.
17:32I demand a higher caliber of behavior from my quarterbacks and his supporters than what
17:39those, those commies in Jacksonville were doing.
17:41No, you're a patriot.
17:42Everybody knows, a true patriot.
17:43Not capital P, lowercase p.
17:46Uh, everybody.
17:46You want to cancel me for love in America?
17:48Right.
17:48Uh, sorry.
17:49Yeah.
17:49But I feel like Trevor Lawrence should play like an American.
17:53Ah, I, I was only hating on him because of his hair and his commercials, but you took
17:57it to a whole other place.
17:59Traitor.
17:59Yeah.
18:00I like that.
18:01Uh, week 16, Christmas Eve at the Philadelphia Eagles, reasons to hate every opponent on
18:07the Texan schedule.
18:08Nick Sirianni, their head coach, his whole gimmick is built around being a meathead dullard
18:14and being belligerent with everybody around him, whether it's media or his own fans.
18:19Yeah.
18:20Things like that.
18:21Like I, that Sirianni has got that Dom thug that works for him.
18:25Then that guy too gets way more attention than he should get.
18:28Big Dom.
18:28Big Dom.
18:29Well, okay.
18:30Whatever.
18:30I can't wait until the truth is revealed about Big Dom.
18:33Oh, I don't know what it is.
18:35I don't either.
18:36There's definitely some truth there somewhere.
18:37Yeah.
18:37He's got, he's, he's got pictures.
18:39It's like, that guy's never deflated a football and they're not, no, he won't have the excuse
18:44of saying, oh no, they called me the deflator because, uh, because I lost weight.
18:48Yep.
18:49Um, week 17 at Green Bay, Micah Parsons.
18:53Oh yeah.
18:54He is a gym hogging weirdo.
18:57Remember?
18:57Oh, that's right.
18:58I forgot about the gym hogging.
19:00Jim and our hotel at the Superbowl this year.
19:03We stayed at the same hotel as all the pro bowlers.
19:06And there was Micah Parsons hogging the gym with all of his equipment strewn everywhere.
19:11And he had a massage table.
19:12He had a massage table set up in the middle of a hotel gym.
19:15A hotel gym and his snot-nosed little kid running around the place causing a ruckus.
19:20It was, it was so weird.
19:22It was like he was treating it like his own personal gym.
19:24Yeah.
19:25Every, and he was, the thing that annoyed me the most was classic.
19:28Like, he was, the guy's working with him, you know, doing the massage and everything.
19:33And Parsons, I didn't, didn't see him interact with a guy once.
19:37He was like, Parsons on his phone the whole time.
19:39They got, they, but, uh, that guy doesn't, that guy doesn't get excused either.
19:43Cause he was part of just laying all of his rehab equipment out all over the gym.
19:47Now here's the thing is that Parsons, we know is good friends with, uh, Deshaun Watson.
19:53They, well, they, they both, they're both Molligeta clients.
19:56Yeah.
19:56So maybe Parsons is like, Hey man, I saw what happened to Deshaun.
20:00I'm doing all my massages right in the middle of a room where everybody can see what's going
20:04on.
20:05Yeah.
20:05Yeah.
20:06Yeah.
20:06I'm not going to be no, no, he said, well, it sounds like it'd be, he said, he said, if
20:10he had a male masseuse.
20:11Right.
20:11Yeah.
20:12Yeah.
20:12None of this.
20:13Um, and by the way, if you're, if, if hating on Micah Parsons is just a little too cliche,
20:17just know that an even bigger weirdo is their defensive coordinator, Jonathan Gannon.
20:22That's where he went.
20:24Yeah.
20:25So he's there too.
20:27Um, week 18, this is simple.
20:29We're up against it.
20:29Amy Adams strunk.
20:31Got to throw a bone to all the Amy Adams strunk and the old oiler fans out there.
20:34Week 18 Titans.
20:36Okay.
20:37That worked for me, man.
20:38I'm hating everybody on the schedule now.
20:39Somehow taken up a color palette as a, as a cause.
20:44Yeah.
20:44It's suing colleges over it or threatening lawsuits.
20:47Suing educational institutions.
20:48Cease and desist letters.
20:49Hey, let's remember though, too, University of Houston is a public university.
20:52So when she's suing the U of H, she's suing all of us.
20:55All right.
20:56Yeah.
20:56She's suing the entire city.
20:58Yeah.
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