- 4 hours ago
Zero Stars Season 1 Episode 6
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Short filmTranscript
00:01If I could give it zero stars, I would.
00:03But not us.
00:04I'm a woman in a man's world. I make up my own mind.
00:07I'm Sarah Pascoe.
00:08I'm brilliant at this.
00:09I'm Roisin Conaty.
00:11Come on, fishy, fishy.
00:12We're comedians, but more importantly, best friends.
00:16As someone who has received bad reviews, I will always try to look to the good.
00:19So we're turning the tables on the review sites.
00:21They were so busy typing on their phone only that they've got to look out.
00:25And visiting places based on the worst reviews.
00:27I'm closer. It's nothing to be afraid of.
00:30My review is 100 stars.
00:32But will this journey of salvation be a five-star funfest?
00:36I'm an absolute killer!
00:38Yes!
00:39Or are we in for a holiday from hell?
00:42Hell!
00:55Yeah!
00:55There we are.
00:56Benidorm, baby.
00:56But you've been here before.
00:58Yeah, I came when I was 18.
00:59But those days are over.
00:59Any stories?
01:00Any news?
01:01I don't know what I can repeat.
01:03Oh, the things I've seen.
01:04The things I've seen in Benidorm.
01:07I'm expecting our trip to be cheap, cheerful.
01:09Lots of characters who know how to have a good time.
01:13That pub over there, look.
01:15Two euros for an Amstel.
01:17That's cheaper than a latte.
01:19I've heard lots about it and its reputation.
01:21But I know lots of people, older people, who go.
01:24So I've come with an open mind.
01:25An open mind, an open heart, and a very tight handle on myself.
01:33Benidorm, the ultimate party town.
01:35The jewel in the crown of the Costa del Get On It!
01:40There are 32 British pubs and more skyscrapers per person
01:44than anywhere else in the world.
01:46But is there anything here for two ladies in their 40s?
01:49One vegan, one tea total.
01:51To have large.
01:52Here we go.
01:53This is us.
01:57Aquarium 2.
01:58This is it.
01:59Don't call it a comeback.
02:02I've got reviews.
02:03Hit me.
02:04Everything about this apartment screams,
02:06someone please burn me with fire.
02:09We expected to be able to cook basic lunches,
02:10but honestly, don't bother.
02:11It was so vile.
02:12I chanced warming up a Burger King in the microwave.
02:15OK, I'm judging this person.
02:16That's on them.
02:16Yeah, that's a mad choice.
02:17OK, let's go, find out.
02:19Time to test the aquarium waters ourselves.
02:21Oh, nice lobby.
02:23Forbidden to walk with wet feed.
02:26But I always walk with wet feed.
02:28Oh.
02:28It's forbidden to use the lifts as well.
02:30It's been a crime here.
02:31What floor are we on?
02:3314, is it?
02:34Are you serious?
02:35Oh, no, there is another lift.
02:36Thank God.
02:41How bad do you think this is going to be?
02:44Do you know, lady?
02:46Oh, ****.
02:47That's a little bit frightening.
02:48OK.
02:49I nearly had a full-on panic attack.
02:52Looking for H.
02:54E, F.
02:55Up.
02:57Well, we'll just presume it's H, I guess.
02:59It doesn't even have a handle.
03:01This better be the right door.
03:03Someone's in bed.
03:04Oh, God.
03:04Someone's in the shower.
03:07Oh, really?
03:11I mean, it looks all right.
03:13It's depressing.
03:14You're coming here.
03:15You're probably going out, drinking, getting in.
03:17You've got a washing machine to wash the vomit off your clothes.
03:21You've got the fridge.
03:22Fridge for your beers.
03:23Sometimes you sit down too vigorously.
03:25So what?
03:28Our place in the sun for the next two days
03:30is this charming 1990s two-bed, one-bedroom property,
03:34boasting exposed vintage pipework and bathroom wall,
03:38complete with dry snot effect wallpaper.
03:42It's compact.
03:43It's roasting.
03:45It's clean-ish.
03:47I think the toilet lamp is my favourite.
03:52Oh, that is a heavy...
03:53Well, I won't be able to open that.
03:54It's good because it means that no-one can come in.
03:57The cracks in the balcony over there make me a bit edgy.
04:00Let's not go over there.
04:01The review did say it was character building.
04:03Yes.
04:04It does look so lovely.
04:05Yeah.
04:06I feel very holiday-y now.
04:08What are you looking for with you on the itinerary?
04:10Well, I never had a hen do when I got married,
04:13so I would be quite excited about gatecrashing someone else's hen do.
04:16Oh, my God.
04:17See what the chicks get up to out here.
04:19I think this is a place where adventures happen.
04:21Yeah.
04:22Isn't it?
04:23Yeah.
04:23People are away from home.
04:25What happens in Benidorm stays in Benidorm.
04:27That's where Vegas got the idea.
04:30Now, let's get out there and hit the town.
04:34That's if our dodgy lift ever arrives.
04:37I mean, when are we going to accept when I have to walk down the stairs?
04:41Well, one of them must have come, doesn't he?
04:43We've been here for ten minutes, Sarah.
04:47This would be dangerous if I was pissed, which I'd like to be.
04:52At least we get a nice tour of the hotel.
04:55Oh, yeah.
04:56I mean, I don't think we anticipated this bit at all.
05:00Who knew that our first day in Benidorm would be leg day?
05:05OK, here we go, the reception.
05:08Well, that was hellish.
05:09Half hour of TV we weren't expecting to film.
05:12I forgot my sunglasses.
05:13I'll see you in a sec.
05:15Well, we've definitely got our steps in,
05:18so I've signed us up for a Segway sightseeing tour.
05:21One reviewer has complained that the equipment was old and in disrepair.
05:25Sounds like mine.
05:26I'm excited about this.
05:28I'm sort of excited, but I've got a feeling...
05:29Have you done it before?
05:30No.
05:30Have you not?
05:31But I've always wanted to be on a stag do,
05:32and this is what stag do's do.
05:35Ooh!
05:36Well, we handcuff each other to a lamppost and get a lap dance.
05:38Nice to meet you.
05:38I'm Kay. Nice to meet you.
05:40Probably just do what this guy tells us.
05:42So, have you been on them before?
05:43You know what to do, how to...
05:45How we have it.
05:45Basically, it's everything about your balance, all right?
05:47So, once the machine is activated,
05:50you just need to lean slightly forwards to go,
05:52to lean slightly backwards to slow down.
05:53Like Michael Jackson?
05:55Exactly.
05:55This is the...
05:56But he died.
05:56We will not.
06:00The reason I wanted to do a Segway tour
06:02is because it's a quick way of seeing more of Benidorm.
06:06One, two, three.
06:07And also, I'm an old tour guide,
06:09so I always want, you know,
06:10to meet the local tour guides and to learn things that way.
06:13It's like you just think of moving and you move.
06:16We didn't know if we were going to be any good at it.
06:19Incoming! Incoming!
06:19Okay, collusion, collusion.
06:20We've never ever, either of us,
06:22been able to tell our left and right
06:23or be in charge of any machinery.
06:27Whoo! I haven't gone backwards yet.
06:28Get out of my way!
06:29Be very careful, okay?
06:34All right.
06:35Always remember, do not be over-confident, okay?
06:38Talking to the wrong women.
06:40Over-confident, do not try to be.
06:41Over-confidence, Harry got this show, okay?
06:45It's stagger clock, baby.
06:54And now we're getting into the natural part.
06:56Lean forwards a bit more.
06:57Lean forwards a little bit more.
06:58Lean forwards, take a bit more of speed, more of speed.
07:00Oh, I'm going very fast now.
07:01Perfect, perfect.
07:01I'm going very fast now.
07:03Beautiful.
07:04I'm not even looking at the view,
07:05I'm concentrating too much.
07:09Oh, wow.
07:10Wow, wow, wow.
07:12Beautiful views from here,
07:13you can see all Benidorm.
07:14On your right-hand side,
07:15the Benidorm Island just in front of you.
07:18This is white lotus, not white lightning.
07:21This is, I'll be honest,
07:23not at all what I was expecting Benidorm to be like.
07:26Oh, I'm completely converted.
07:28Yeah.
07:29Try to keep just over here,
07:31a bit not so...
07:32Oh, yes.
07:32Do you know the guy who invented segways?
07:33He died going off a cliff.
07:35Yeah.
07:35Are you serious?
07:36Yes.
07:37Well, what a place to tell me, Sarah.
07:38What a place to tell me.
07:41Has anyone ever proposed on a Segway?
07:45Erm...
07:45On a Segway?
07:46I don't know, maybe.
07:48Would you like someone to propose to you on a Segway, Raj?
07:50I think if it's a no, you've got to, you know, at least...
07:53So imagine, I'll ask you and you say no.
07:55OK.
07:56Will you marry me, Sarah?
07:57I don't think so, no.
07:59At least you haven't got the shame of having to be...
08:01You can just get away quite fast.
08:02Yeah.
08:02Unless they're like, let me tell you my reasons.
08:05I think you've got a body odor problem.
08:07And then they're off, you know.
08:10This point is mythical.
08:12It's a very historical point.
08:14Our guide is like a very, very on it dad.
08:18We have this inclination because of the collision of the Tytonic Lake.
08:22I don't know if the stags get as much historical context as we got.
08:25There's lots of chat about volcanic stuff.
08:29This used to be the same rock.
08:31I learnt so much more than I wanted to.
08:34I mean, this guy could teach geography A-level definitely.
08:38I love it here.
08:40I love the Segway.
08:41But it has had a bad review.
08:43Can you believe it?
08:43Yeah.
08:43Segway tours.
08:44Do you want to hear this?
08:45I'm glad I've experienced it first.
08:46Yeah.
08:47Alright.
08:47One star.
08:48Did not like.
08:49To the point.
08:50When we finished the tour, the guide asked 101 times to give a good review.
08:55I think this is wrong and very intrusive.
08:56So everyone looks at, you know, reviews.
09:00So the guy said, can you give me a good review?
09:02And they've given him a bad review because of that.
09:04That's the worst.
09:05Pathetic.
09:06I'd give him five stars.
09:08Yeah.
09:09For the mythology.
09:10And also he taught us how to ride Segways.
09:12We couldn't walk in a line earlier.
09:13No.
09:14He's family now.
09:15You want to take him on, you're taking us on.
09:18Benidorm has gone through the roof points-wise.
09:21The scoreboard has absolutely blown up with the Segway tour.
09:25My review.
09:26Honest review.
09:27Capital letters.
09:28Absolutely amazing.
09:30Didn't want it to end.
09:31You don't need to be drunk.
09:33And the selfie.
09:35Hey, hey, hey.
09:39Love it.
09:40It's dangerous because you could feel like a bit omnipresent.
09:42That you could just show up to your enemy as like...
09:45Heard you've been chatting shit.
09:50See, that's what happens.
09:52Hmm.
09:55I don't know how to get on it on my own.
10:00Is there another Benidorm where sophisticated business ladies can holiday in style?
10:05We've cancelled our tickets to the Burn Apple Boxing and decided on an alfresco dinner.
10:09So we're browsing Benidorm's answer to a farmer's market for the finest ingredients.
10:15Ooh.
10:18I know what I'm having for dinner.
10:19I was so gonna fill you up.
10:20Don't get anything else.
10:21They never fill you up.
10:23And I'm determined to broaden my culinary horizons.
10:26Pot noodles.
10:28Look, I've never had a pot noodle.
10:29Are you joking?
10:30No.
10:30Do you want this one?
10:31I think that's the best flavour.
10:32Yeah, go on then.
10:32They don't mind a little bit of milk powder.
10:35There's rice.
10:36We don't want to cook.
10:37Because that's sort of what you do when you go to Spain.
10:39You don't have big hot dinners.
10:40You have like...
10:41I always used to just have like...
10:42Fags.
10:43I have a fag and a beer.
10:45Blue meat crisps.
10:47Blue meat.
10:48Not blue meat.
10:51OK.
10:51I don't know what meat people like.
10:53Chips and pizza crisps.
10:54Yeah, there you go.
10:55We've got...
10:55That looks good.
10:57Yeah.
10:57Really good.
10:58This is living.
11:01Hola.
11:02Hello.
11:03Hola.
11:04My first pot noodle.
11:05I can't believe that.
11:06I know.
11:07Isn't it wild?
11:08Is it your first dick lolly?
11:10Come off it.
11:13There you go.
11:14How much please?
11:1581.50 please.
11:1681 and plenty of hundred quid.
11:20Do you want to put anything back?
11:22Not this.
11:23OK.
11:24Then we're buying it all.
11:26I got it.
11:27I got it.
11:29I would have bought a bigger bag if I thought we were going to get that big of this, eh?
11:33Yeah.
11:3514 flights of stairs later, we're back in our kitchenette and it's time to get our Nigella on.
11:40Roasting.
11:41I'm going to do the first ever pot noodle, but there's no kettle.
11:47I think it's destiny.
11:48I'm never meant to taste them.
11:49Oh, found one.
11:50Oh, damn it.
11:51It does look very...
11:52I thought I had it better than that.
11:53It's very dirty.
11:55Sorry, mate.
11:56Oh, no, no.
11:56Yeah, that's no good.
11:57I'll just do a quarter of a saucepan instead.
12:00That'll be better.
12:01Oh.
12:03It's dirty.
12:03It feels disgusting.
12:05We haven't washed it.
12:06No.
12:07Give enough of it.
12:08Also, I mean, this cooker's all smashed.
12:10I don't even...
12:10Oh, God.
12:11Sarah, put it back.
12:12I don't even know how you do that.
12:13First ball of Benidorm.
12:14Don't open the cupboards.
12:15Don't look in the pots.
12:16Don't lift the marble surfaces.
12:18Don't try and cook anything.
12:19We've got a nice meze.
12:20Yeah.
12:23It was like we were drunk when we went shopping.
12:25Looks insane.
12:26It does look like a decision someone else made for us.
12:30This cheese isn't my favourite.
12:32No.
12:33I've never really had bad cheese.
12:35And that's the first time I've had bad cheese.
12:38Wow.
12:38Do you think that's also been here for ten years, then, maybe?
12:41No-one's bought much of anything.
12:43That shopkeeper was like,
12:44this is all prop food.
12:45No-one's ever bought any.
12:47People have only ever gone to the cider.
12:50What are these women doing?
12:53Do you know what?
12:54It's not a five-star hotel.
12:55No.
12:55But it's all sort of working in our favour.
12:57All the things that are really fun about going on holiday,
12:59you don't need to go to a five-star hotel to have those things.
13:02In terms of, like, being with the people that you care about,
13:05looking for adventures, trying new things.
13:07Sometimes a five-star hotel is too uncomfortable.
13:09Do you want to get out of a five-star hotel?
13:10They wouldn't let you in.
13:11They'd confiscate it.
13:12They'd say, you tacky bitch,
13:14throw it in the bin as you go in.
13:16And I'd say, no thanks.
13:17No thanks.
13:22It's a beautiful morning in Benidorm,
13:24and after our intimate soiree last night,
13:26I've decided we need to go where the action is.
13:31Wow, it's busy.
13:32It's very busy.
13:33First thing in the morning.
13:35I brought us to the town's worst-reviewed beach.
13:38Why not?
13:39You only live once.
13:45I'll put a little chair up for you.
13:48And you can sit in the shade.
13:50Like a happy little Irish potato.
13:53There you go.
13:57It's very soft sand.
13:58I'm not mad about sand,
14:00but if I had to get involved in it, this isn't bad.
14:02That's why all these people come here.
14:03It's a lovely beach.
14:04You only have to share it with one or two million people.
14:08Right, Sarah, do you want some reviews for this beach?
14:10I bet they're all just five stars This Is Heaven, aren't they?
14:13Let's see.
14:14Mobile internet are not working here.
14:16Lots of people on a beach.
14:19Right, okay.
14:20So many people, no Wi-Fi.
14:22One star.
14:23One star?
14:24That's harsh.
14:25What, because of other people?
14:26Talk to the people.
14:27You don't need the internet.
14:29I tell you where there's loads of people, online.
14:31If you like a really busy, lively-ish beach, this isn't bad.
14:36Yeah.
14:37It's not IB for lively.
14:38Like, no-one's sort of dancing around.
14:40It's friendly northerners going,
14:41what part of Macclesfield are you from?
14:43Yeah.
14:45For some reason, I'm feeling adventurous.
14:48And that reason is, I've been handed a leaflet about novelty water sports by a man called Carlos.
14:54I think I know what you're going to say.
14:56Hmm.
14:56There's something called a crazy sofa.
14:58And I think I'd like to have a go on it, if you'd like to have a go.
15:02This is where our paths divide, Sarah.
15:05There is room for more than one person.
15:07You go out there.
15:08Do you mind?
15:09You love it, you love the sun.
15:09Could you be right here by yourself?
15:10Yeah, I've got a book.
15:12You've colour-coordinated your book?
15:14Yeah.
15:16I've got a book.
15:16Did you get a stylist to go to the library?
15:18Absolutely.
15:20The crazy sofa ride is a classic stag and hen do activity.
15:24In many ways, the ultimate Benidorm water sport.
15:28Fast and furious meets Furniture Village.
15:35I don't think the man in the office had ever had a solo booking before.
15:39The stags and hens were all still asleep.
15:41But that just means there's more room for me to definitely not feel self-conscious.
15:46This is going to be wonderful.
15:48I can just feel it.
15:49Rachel will be really jealous when she finds out.
15:54I've looked at some reviews.
15:56The activity was a little scary.
15:58Sensitive souls should refrain.
16:00If you like really strong sensations, go for it.
16:04One star.
16:07Woo!
16:08Okay.
16:09Woo!
16:10Woo!
16:10This is very thrilling.
16:12Woo!
16:12I wonder what Roisin's doing.
16:14I bet she's bored.
16:17Got a nice coffee.
16:18It's a lovely breeze.
16:20Woo!
16:21Woo!
16:23I'm gripping up the deer, like.
16:25Woo!
16:26It's a high five.
16:27They literally bought everything from Essex and put it in Benidorm.
16:30Woo!
16:32Woo!
16:33Woo!
16:33Woo!
16:34Woo!
16:35Water's lovely.
16:37It is different also being on your own on a beach.
16:40You look like a killer, a spy, or you're going for a really big divorce.
16:44In this outfit, I look like I've got the money, but I'm heartbroken.
16:53Just a 44-year-old woman on a crazy sofa by herself.
16:58I can't think that it was only going to last 12 minutes.
17:00We've been out here for three hours.
17:04Sure, I've had fun, but I can't feel my bum cheeks anymore.
17:07It's time for this fishy to get reeled in.
17:11I feel like I've been in a washing machine.
17:14I accidentally tumble-dried myself.
17:17It was really fun.
17:18This is the kind of thing I might have done had I had a hen-do when I got married.
17:23And if I ever get married again, I'm definitely booking.
17:27Hi!
17:29Yeah, that's what you need when you're on a banana boat.
17:31Someone going, toss her!
17:36I have returned from the sea in need of sustenance and a gal pals get-together.
17:40And I've heard that there's a lunch happening nearby for sophisticated ladies like us.
17:45I'm excited about this.
17:46I'm excited about, er, what's her name?
17:49Ding Dong Val.
17:49Ding Dong Val.
17:50Best name you've ever heard.
17:52I'd love it if people called me Ding Dong Sarah.
17:53Don't you worry, we do.
17:54We do.
17:56We're going off to meet Ding Dong Val.
17:58That's her name.
17:59I don't know why she's called that.
18:00I know she's got a little lunch organised for some local friends.
18:03We can ask them about Benadour and whether it's nice to live here.
18:05It should be a nice quiet morning.
18:13This isn't a lunch.
18:14It's just a rally.
18:20Hello, nice to meet you.
18:22Hello, Sarah.
18:24It was absolutely insane.
18:27We joined, I don't want to exaggerate, 900 women.
18:30It was a club.
18:31We went to, like, a lunch club.
18:34How often do you have these lunches, Deb?
18:36Every second Friday normally.
18:37And they're always as busy as this.
18:39So, initially, it was just, like, half a dozen of us went out for lunch.
18:43And then people would say, can I join?
18:45No, there's 406 on the group, I think.
18:49Oh!
18:50It's called Ding Dong Val's Ladies Lunch and Social Events.
18:53Okay.
18:54So, why do people call you Ding Dong Val?
18:56Well, I'm a cosmetic seller.
18:59Cosmetic seller?
19:00Ding Dong Avon Lady, yeah.
19:02In the last two years, I've been number one in the country.
19:05Congratulations!
19:06So, I beat all the Spanish.
19:07Yeah.
19:08Do you sell to these women as well?
19:09Yeah.
19:10Not all of them, but a majority, if I have anything to do with it.
19:14Come for the friendship, leave with the mascara.
19:16Yeah.
19:18Val's worked damn hard to get to the number one spot in this country for selling Avon.
19:23And she's an incredibly charming person.
19:26It's dry body oil.
19:27You put it on, it makes your skin lovely.
19:29She slips into her sales pitch so naturally, so elegantly.
19:32It's lucky I didn't bring my debit card.
19:34Do you go out without your make-up?
19:36Oh, yeah.
19:36Do you?
19:37Yeah.
19:37I mean, I wish you were so horrified.
19:39Do you?
19:43Hello, everyone.
19:44How you doing?
19:45I want to join this gang.
19:48I thought it was really sweet that all these women have moved out here, away from home,
19:52and they do these lunches every couple of weeks.
19:54Of course, Ding Dong Bao sells them a lot of make-up.
19:57Are you all friends of Ding Dong Bao?
19:59Yeah.
19:59Wow.
20:00She gave me a few ideas, actually, because I've got a lot of friends,
20:02and I think they could be paying a bit more for my time.
20:04Next time I get Sarah to text me, fancy a curry, I'll be like,
20:07ÂŁ11 on a mascara, and I might show up by one of my DVDs.
20:14Do you think there's more community here, like, with stuff like this, than there is in the UK?
20:19Like, there's more stuff?
20:20There's more free time here.
20:21In the UK, people do busy working, or if they are pensioners, there is smaller groups,
20:27or there's old people's homes where they get together, whereas here,
20:30everybody looks after everybody else, don't they, really?
20:33Everything's an old people's home.
20:35The white wine fumes have got to me.
20:37I'm about to go rogue.
20:41Ladies and gentlemen.
20:43So, ladies.
20:43Ladies.
20:45Just ladies.
20:46Ladies, Sarah would like to make a speech.
20:49Oh.
20:51Thank you so much, Boisin.
20:54We just wanted to say what a lovely community this seems like,
20:57and how much fun you're all having.
20:59Thank you for having us be part of it.
21:01To Ding Dong Vow!
21:03Ding Dong Vow!
21:08It's time to leave before the inevitable fight club begins.
21:11Thank you so much.
21:12Come on, we'll never get out otherwise.
21:18We've left Ding Dong Vows with full tummies, inspiration, and a really good deal on some eyeshadow.
21:23So now we've decided to spread our wings and hit Benidorm's world-famous Calle Jorona,
21:29a.k.a. The Strip.
21:31It's our first night out in Benidorm, so we're going to go crazy within limits.
21:36We're going to go crazy at a dance tournament.
21:39Sports.
21:40Sports.
21:40Lads.
21:40So many women.
21:42My God, you're right.
21:43Now we need some testosterone.
21:45Look at that!
21:49Just along from an area known to locals as English Square is Sue's Darts Bar.
21:54It's been described online as a shambles of a darts bar,
21:58so we think it'll be perfect for us.
22:01To be fair, we've got no idea what a well-organized darts bar is like.
22:05Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the world-famous Sue's Darts Bar.
22:11Before we step up ourselves, we've got a chance to check out the competition.
22:15I think we can take them.
22:16Do you?
22:17Yeah.
22:18I'm not feeling very confident, Moshin.
22:20That's what they want.
22:20They're trying to psych us out.
22:22They're trying to psych us out by doing good.
22:24Yeah, that's what they're doing.
22:25They're playing darts well, so that we think they can play darts well.
22:30I'm not going to fall for it.
22:33After all, how good could our opponents be in a shambles of a darts bar?
22:37I've played country darts for Lincolnshire for about 15 years, and I'm absolutely awesome.
22:45Oh, no.
22:49Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage,
22:52Roshin, the gunslinger, Gannetty.
23:00Pow, pow, pow.
23:02And Steve, the man, Hamill.
23:05Okay, well, I beat him on nicknames.
23:06Going in, I knew we wanted to destroy them.
23:09But when your competitor gets up and he's wearing a t-shirt with his own name on the front,
23:13you know you're in trouble.
23:16Roshin, it's row first.
23:17Come on, Rosh.
23:20Roshi, Roshi, Roshi.
23:23I don't need that.
23:24They're very serious darts players, and they didn't sort of, like, they weren't patronising.
23:28They were sort of, like, not letting us off the hook.
23:31That was, what is that?
23:32120.
23:38Trouble with Steve is, not only is he good at darts, he's a nice guy.
23:40That's your kryptonite.
23:41Yeah.
23:42I know.
23:42So you need to start pretending he's an ex, he's someone we don't like.
23:45It's Trump.
23:46Think of him as a bad man.
23:48I heard he isn't kind to his cat.
23:50Just go with that.
23:55I'm really hoping I'm better at darts than I am at pep talks.
23:59And the match.
24:00Steve Hamill.
24:00Well done, Steve.
24:02Well done.
24:03Well done.
24:04It's time for me to salvage our honour.
24:07Go on, Sarah.
24:08So I picked up those darts.
24:11Here I was, in front of the dart board.
24:13A sport I don't know.
24:15Watch this, everybody.
24:16But I felt like I was finally home.
24:20And it turns out, I'm not terrible.
24:2379 scores.
24:24Yay!
24:29Woo!
24:30Thank you, my friend.
24:31Punish him!
24:32Punish him!
24:33Woo!
24:34I feel like a showbiz mum.
24:37Roshin got the crowd behind me.
24:41I feel good.
24:47It seemed like my new fan club were distracting my nemesis.
24:51Sorry, that baller.
24:52You've got to get that double two down there, right?
24:54Maybe it's the Vino Blanco talking.
24:56Oh, my God.
24:57But am I about to become the new king of Sue's Darts Bar?
25:01Go on, Sarah!
25:06No score, sorry.
25:07I am not.
25:12We've got a winner.
25:13Yay!
25:14Shot!
25:16I lost, but I had a lot of fun.
25:18I really like the energy of this place.
25:21It's a mixture of people who live in Benidorm,
25:22people who are here on holidays.
25:23They all love darts.
25:25I couldn't help but get overwhelmed by that,
25:26carried away with their passion.
25:27I'm giving it 4.5 out of 5.
25:32It should have been more nibbles.
25:33It's my only criticism.
25:39We're in Benidorm,
25:40and after spending most of yesterday large in it,
25:43we've decided to head out of town for today.
25:46Benidorm's great,
25:47but we're not here to party.
25:48We're here to be...
25:49We are here to party a little bit.
25:50A little bit.
25:50All right, OK.
25:51But let's get some culture today, this morning.
25:54Yeah.
25:54We are going to...
25:55Torture Museum.
25:56Torture Museum.
26:00Morning.
26:00Hola.
26:02Museo de la Tortura, por favor.
26:05OK.
26:07I didn't know I was fluent in the lingo.
26:11We're off to the picturesque village of Guadalas,
26:14home to the region's only torture museum.
26:19With reviews like this, we have to take a look.
26:22No pain, no gain.
26:25Do you think it would be like London Dungeons then,
26:27going to this torture museum?
26:30Out of work for Spanish actors?
26:32I absolutely hope so.
26:34I would tour the world watching people who've been to drama school
26:37pretend to be from the olden days.
26:39Only if in the torture sense as well.
26:42Yeah.
26:42Oh.
26:43Yeah, if they're not in the stocks, I don't want to know.
26:45I say that because I've worked at these attractions in London.
26:48Where did you work?
26:49London Bridge Experience, the enemy of the London dungeon,
26:52and we outlived them.
26:53Come on.
26:54Give us a bit.
26:55The year is 90 BC.
27:00My name is Boudicca.
27:02Say my name.
27:03Boudicca.
27:05I was the queen of the Iceni tribe.
27:08The Romans tried to take my land.
27:11I got my revenge.
27:13Sounds like real housewives.
27:14Yeah.
27:17In the tiny village of Guadalas,
27:19there are only 250 permanent residents,
27:22but no fewer than nine museums.
27:29There are so many museums
27:31that we've run into one straight away.
27:33Here we are.
27:35The Salt and Pepper Shaker Museum.
27:37I hope the queue to get in isn't too long.
27:39Warming up.
27:40Warming up for the torture.
27:45Hi.
27:46Oh, God.
27:47Hellish noise.
27:48Zero stars.
27:53I was sort of hoping it would be about salt and pepper.
27:55The trio.
27:56Hip-hop.
27:57The rap band.
27:58Can you call them that?
27:59Yeah.
27:59You can if you're a white middle-aged woman.
28:02I got bored instantly with some of the shittest
28:05salt and pepper shakers I've ever seen.
28:07I'm talking worse than charity shops.
28:10I'm talking, they should go into an Oliver Boner,
28:13they'd lose their minds.
28:14The Salt and Pepper Shaker Museum is one of only three
28:18salt and pepper shaker museums in the world.
28:20Believe it or not.
28:21And it is a collection of a woman called Andrea from Belgium.
28:24Good for you, Andrea.
28:26Life's not a rehearsal.
28:28What makes a museum different from a room of stuff?
28:32Well, the arrogance to call it a museum.
28:35Right, so it's just what you label it.
28:36Yeah, I mean, on a different channel, this is hoarders.
28:42I'm sort of fascinated by it.
28:44Are you?
28:44Yeah.
28:46I'm not.
28:47Roisin's reaction to the Salt and Pepper Shakers
28:48has made me sort of not trust her, actually.
28:51Next time she comes to a show and tells me that it was really great,
28:54I'll be like, salt and pepper great?
28:57We go to the Torch Museum.
28:58Go to the Torch Museum.
29:00You big creep.
29:06That is unbelievable.
29:08I never thought it was anywhere near Benidorm.
29:10I know.
29:11Maybe I could live here then.
29:12Buses, though, I don't drive.
29:14I'll have to check the buses.
29:15Yeah.
29:16Well, Segway.
29:16I'll have to work at that museum.
29:18Yeah.
29:19Here it is.
29:20Torch Museum.
29:21Look at you.
29:21You're nearly skipping, you sicko.
29:23I'm so excited.
29:24I bet there's no salt and pepper shakers in here.
29:26Well, it smells lovely, not Torchery at all.
29:29Well, within our budget of five euros each,
29:32this creepy place in the shade boasts several lounge areas
29:36with seating options like shaming barrel, spiky deck chair,
29:40or this anal pyramid if you're into Satan worship.
29:44This statement one bed will give you nightmares for weeks.
29:49Do you want to hear some bad reviews?
29:51Hit me.
29:52The real torture is paying to see this museum.
29:55It is shabby and scarce.
29:57You can finish it in ten minutes and they charge you five euros.
29:59How much torture did they want?
30:01Yeah.
30:01Sorry, there wasn't enough torture.
30:03I want four hours of pure devilment.
30:06Yeah.
30:06Also, I don't want a museum that lasts more than ten minutes.
30:08No one does.
30:09No.
30:10Oh, the owners responded.
30:12What's he say?
30:13Torture is putting up with clients like you.
30:16Well...
30:17It's unprofessional, isn't it?
30:18I don't think so.
30:20I think we've all had comments under our staff
30:22where you want to comment back
30:24and he's probably had a glass of wine and just...
30:25He forgot he even did that.
30:27Yeah.
30:29Well, I guess it's torture time.
30:31This is an electric chair.
30:32They let kids in here.
30:33That's a colander behind you, my love of a shower hose, isn't it?
30:35Yeah, but it's nice to have a sit down.
30:37Someone's husband or wife's like,
30:39how am I going to rinse this bastard?
30:44Is it weird to say it suits you?
30:47I'll take a compliment.
30:48Sarah, I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but...
30:49Yeah.
30:50You suit it.
30:51I'm ashamed I'm about to be killed.
30:54Oh, dear.
30:57Oh, dear.
30:58Stretching rack.
31:00Spanish Inquisitions.
31:01This is classic Spanish history.
31:04Yeah.
31:05I mean, I'm not good with secrets at the best of times.
31:07I'll be like, what do you want to know?
31:08You don't need to put me in it.
31:10Get me a glass of white wine, I'll tell you everything.
31:15Who's in my garden?
31:17I think all windows should have armrests.
31:20The thing is, you look really comfy there,
31:22not like you're being tortured.
31:23That's how they get you.
31:24It feels so comfortable and then...
31:27then you're dead.
31:29Someone's given me a weapon.
31:30Found it.
31:31Well, that seems...
31:33Dangerous.
31:34Take a photo of me and I'll send it to the boys.
31:36Once it really fit, like Instagram.
31:37Yeah.
31:38You do look really fit.
31:39Do you know why?
31:40The red matches your lipstick.
31:42You're looking like you're having too much fun.
31:43Pretend you're sitting at a wedding by yourself
31:45and that's your outfit.
31:46That is torture.
31:48OK, let's go.
31:49I am going to find somewhere to put this.
31:52You brought that yourself.
31:53Why are you bringing it back in there?
32:01It's day three in Benidorm and finally time to have the hen-do I never had
32:06by gate-crashing someone else's.
32:08Hen-do's come to Benidorm and I never had a hen-do when I got married
32:12so it was really exciting to me the opportunity to gate-crash one.
32:15Hello.
32:16After some drunken texts, we locate our premarital party posse.
32:20Hello, everyone.
32:22Molly.
32:22I'm Molly, the bride.
32:24It was classic hen-do.
32:26You know, loud dicks in glasses, you know, off, off, off kind of vibes.
32:32But what made you come to Benidorm for your hen-do?
32:34Well, you thought it's a way, you know, it's like pure cringe.
32:39Yeah.
32:40Crash.
32:41And here we are.
32:43And here we are.
32:44And so what is it, like, activities, then drinking, dancing,
32:47are you going to go for meals?
32:48Is it all drinking?
32:49Yeah.
32:49As soon as I met the hens, it became clear we were out of adept.
32:53I've definitely got pre-wedding nerves.
32:55The hens have assured us that this event is the tamest thing they've got planned,
32:59an hour's gentle life-drawing class.
33:01Let's draw some willies!
33:07For Molly and Darren.
33:09Cheers!
33:10Cheers!
33:11Oh, yes!
33:12Cheers!
33:14Molly, what did you say when I asked you?
33:16You said Benidorm was...
33:17Shit, but it's good shit.
33:22It's a great line.
33:23It's a great line.
33:24Have you seen other hen-do's?
33:26Er, yes.
33:27We've seen so many.
33:29So many hens, so many stags.
33:31Stags!
33:31And what's the vibe when you see a rival hen?
33:33Everyone is majorly over-the-top trash.
33:38It's what we love.
33:39That's so good.
33:41Bring in the penis now, we're ready!
33:43Woo!
33:45Woo!
33:46Woo!
33:48Magical.
33:51I'm so intrigued by the holding the hair.
33:54Wolf, has people...
33:55What I think has happened is people have forgotten to draw his hair before,
33:58and he's going, do not forget my favourite part.
34:01Do you like being drawn by a hen-do's wolf?
34:04What?
34:04Do you enjoy this?
34:06Yeah.
34:06People drawing you.
34:07Yeah.
34:08I wasn't asking you to turn now.
34:10Woo!
34:11I know!
34:13Careful what you say to him.
34:15We're drawing a man called Wolf who couldn't speak English.
34:18Every time he spoke to him, he just thought he meant shake his bum.
34:20How many of these do you do a week?
34:22It was like this?
34:23Yeah.
34:24So, by the end, you just stop making small talk.
34:27You just sort of go, Wolf, how long have you been called Wolf?
34:29And he's like...
34:32The hens are very much there to party.
34:34Woo!
34:35I love it!
34:36They didn't really care about the drawing element of life drawing.
34:40Woo!
34:40None of us learned any sort of new artistic techniques.
34:43They enjoyed penises.
34:45Woo!
34:45The idea of penises, celebrating the penis,
34:48and I'm nonplussed about genitals.
34:54Has everyone finished their drawing?
34:56Yeah.
34:57Show me. Show me.
34:58Oh!
34:59Oh!
35:01My power is...
35:02Yeah.
35:05...everything.
35:06Yay!
35:12Who do you think should have won?
35:15I think I should have won.
35:16What do you mean, who do you think I should have won?
35:17Look at it.
35:18And I signed it.
35:20Wolf Benidorm 2025.
35:22Take that, Emin.
35:24Thank you, Eddie.
35:24Brilliant.
35:25Thank you, Wolf.
35:26Thank you, Wolf.
35:27Thank you, Wolf.
35:29I have had a lovely time.
35:30I've learned that one of the main reasons people come to Benidorm
35:33for a hen do or sag do is to lean into the trashiness of the whole thing.
35:38That's what's really fun about it.
35:39What did she say, Molly?
35:40She said, Benidorm's shit, but it's good shit.
35:46I've left the children to their alco pops and happy slapping and decided to take us to
35:51a way more enticing hot spot.
35:54Friday night.
35:55Benidorm.
35:55Where are you taking me?
35:56Salsa?
35:58Yes.
35:59We're going to go crazy.
36:00Come on, let's get into Benidorm vibes.
36:02That's it.
36:02We're ready.
36:03We're right.
36:04British people on holiday.
36:06Where are we going?
36:08Yorkshire Pride.
36:09Roast dinner.
36:10Three.
36:14I want to be sort of sneering about British people who have British food on holiday, but
36:18now I get it.
36:19It's a relief, a little bit.
36:20Yeah.
36:21Cheers.
36:21Friday night.
36:22Cheers.
36:22Cheers very much.
36:25Roisin.
36:26Yes.
36:26I know how much you loved it there today.
36:29Here you go.
36:29A little memento for you to use.
36:34I know you'd rather have 5,000 of them.
36:37Oh, I do really love them.
36:40Look at this.
36:41They're nice little guys, aren't they?
36:44Salt and pepper.
36:46I love them.
36:47I've got you the electric chair in the car.
36:51I'll sit on it on the plane.
36:53I'll be like, don't worry, EasyJet.
36:55Put me in the aisle, I brought my own one.
37:00Sarah, they do a Sunday dinner every day.
37:03That's the right amount of days a week that that should be available.
37:06Exactly.
37:07It's the best food.
37:08Do you want to hear some of the reviews?
37:10Love to.
37:11Yeah.
37:12OK.
37:13Worst chips in Benidorm?
37:15I sent them back.
37:16Oh.
37:17Wait for this.
37:18Chicken was well over-cut.
37:20My Nan had to put it in her bag.
37:23I don't understand.
37:26What?
37:26She had to put it in her bag?
37:27It was so over-cooked.
37:29She had to put it in her bag.
37:31It's the worst kind of politeness to your face politeness.
37:34Yeah.
37:35She had to put it in her bag.
37:35But when we got home, I absolutely ripped him a new one.
37:37Why has Nan got a chicken in her bag?
37:39Oh, you couldn't eat it, Nana?
37:40I'll do a bad review.
37:42The worst chips in Benidorm and bag-worthy chicken,
37:45we have to know the truth of these outrageous boasts.
37:48Normal chicken.
37:49Thank you, my love.
37:50There we go.
37:50Amazing.
37:51And we've got the vegan chicken for you.
37:52Thank you so much.
37:53There we go.
37:54Wow, it's huge.
37:56The roast certainly looked the part.
37:57It all came down to the chips.
38:00Wow-wee, now that's a fucking bowl of chips.
38:02Excuse my language.
38:03I'm excited about those.
38:04Yeah.
38:05Excuse me.
38:05Sorry.
38:06And the curry sauce.
38:08Wow.
38:09That's what all the bowls of chips should look like.
38:11Yes.
38:12They said they're the worst in Benidorm.
38:15It's time to bite down on the truth.
38:21Amazing.
38:22They're fantastic.
38:25Proof that nothing you read on the internet is true.
38:27I'm not the worst female comedian who's ever been on live at the Apollo.
38:31What the fuck are they on about?
38:32Right?
38:33Yeah, right.
38:34Right?
38:34Let's track them down.
38:35The sabotage.
38:36A rival jibby or something.
38:38That's what it is.
38:38Maybe it's Yorkshire Pride 2.
38:40Trying to do them down.
38:43I'm going to have all the sweats.
38:45Really?
38:46Yeah.
38:47Look at the size of the bowl of chips.
38:49I don't sweat because I do yoga in 40 degrees.
38:53All right, Prince Andrew.
38:54On your boat.
38:58Sarah.
38:58Mm?
38:59It's time.
39:01How many stars are you going to give it?
39:02Oh, I'll give it five stars.
39:04I'm going to give it five stars.
39:06Ten stars.
39:07It's ten stars.
39:08Cheers.
39:09It's one of my favourite meals I've had out here.
39:13Oh, no.
39:13I just got food all over my dress.
39:16OK.
39:17Nine stars, then.
39:19The food is very messy.
39:20I'll blame them for it.
39:21Went to the restaurant.
39:22Too much gravy!
39:23Too much gravy!
39:24Too much gravy!
39:27This trip has inspired me.
39:29From now on, every time I see my friends, I'm going to sell them one of my DVDs.
39:33Some parts of Benidorm are really stunning.
39:36And yes, I'm talking about the Yorkshire Pride.
39:39They put stuffing in the Yorkshire PUDs.
39:41Stuffing.
39:42Come on.
39:43Five stars.
39:46My trip here has given me so much.
39:49Driving skills, a taste for pub sports, and then the hen do I've always wanted with my best pal.
39:54One that was really short and ended with a roast dinner.
39:57And I didn't even have to join a WhatsApp group.
40:03I had very low expectations for Benidorm.
40:05I've been pleasantly surprised, Sarah.
40:07Yeah.
40:07I was dreading this, and now I've actually had quite a lovely time.
40:10I'm giving it a 3.5.
40:11I don't care.
40:12That's very generous.
40:13I'm giving it a 3.
40:14Solid.
40:15I don't want to sneer at it.
40:16It's a great holiday.
40:17Very cheap destination if you're into that sort of thing.
40:21I'm into very cheap.
40:22I'll still sneer at a bit of it.
40:24What bitch will you sneer at?
40:25We'll talk about it on the way to the airport.
40:27Let's go, baby.
40:373.5 stars, Benidorm.
40:40Bye, Benidorm.
40:41Run over these teenagers.
40:44I've gone full bloody Benidorm.
40:45You've got really Larry.
41:12who have aêž°ê° waiting for the rest of the separately?
41:15You've got reallylie.
41:16I lose this to 150 figures.
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