- 6 hours ago
First broadcast 26th April 1979.
Hazell is hired to find a family heirloom but soon discovers that he isn't the only one chasing after it.
Nicholas Ball - James Hazell
Roddy McMillan - 'Choc' Minty
Desmond McNamara - Cousin Tel
Peter Bourke - Graham Morris
Charles Gray - Brownhill
Mel Martin - Fiona
Norman Gregory - Wilkins
Peter Miles - Heller
Steve Plytas - Sandilands
Nell Brennan - Mrs. McCafferty
Kevin Sullivan - Kevin
Ralph Watson - Police Inspector
Richard McNeff - Cabbie
Colin Edwynn - Hall Porter
Mike Reynell - Hotel Guest
Hazell is hired to find a family heirloom but soon discovers that he isn't the only one chasing after it.
Nicholas Ball - James Hazell
Roddy McMillan - 'Choc' Minty
Desmond McNamara - Cousin Tel
Peter Bourke - Graham Morris
Charles Gray - Brownhill
Mel Martin - Fiona
Norman Gregory - Wilkins
Peter Miles - Heller
Steve Plytas - Sandilands
Nell Brennan - Mrs. McCafferty
Kevin Sullivan - Kevin
Ralph Watson - Police Inspector
Richard McNeff - Cabbie
Colin Edwynn - Hall Porter
Mike Reynell - Hotel Guest
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00.
00:34Ever been down Deptford Way?
00:36It looks like they made it in Poland.
00:39I'm looking for a fella who works for the Borough Cleansing Department,
00:42one of the firms that leaves all the rubbish on your doorstep 11 months of the year
00:45and then come round and wish you a happy Christmas from all the dustmen.
00:50OK, so there's not a lot of class in my game.
00:53But as a pal of mine who travels the world for Oxfam once said,
00:56the money's not all that, but you do meet a lot of people.
01:04It's one of them streets you need a telescope to spot in the A to Z.
01:08One of those nice little Victorian terraces specifically designed by God-fearing Victorians
01:13so that the artisan classes would never forget where they came from.
01:17Things don't change a lot, do they?
01:24Hello, Curly Chuck. Is your dad in?
01:27Sign off!
01:44You've got a nice eyeful, have you?
01:49Sorry, love.
01:51I thought Freddie Barr followed me my ass at the door again.
01:53Mr. McCaff, dear.
01:56You mean he's out?
01:58Seemed logical, wouldn't it?
02:00Yeah, well, I'm very quick.
02:01Triumph's tag?
02:05Yeah.
02:06Only 1973, innit?
02:07Well, I'm sorry about that.
02:09I've a fair head of white gents.
02:10Oh, Kevin.
02:12No kidding.
02:16Look, mind if I step in for a minute?
02:25She didn't seem all that keen to have me in the place.
02:28Maybe because of the decor.
02:30Sort of middle period, do it yourself.
02:33Your old man go out with him, did he?
02:34The Jensen?
02:35Yeah.
02:36Must be worth a few, Bob, that Madonna, eh?
02:39No worries.
02:40Got a nice bundle here, haven't I?
02:41Make him an offer.
02:43He, uh, take the statue of William, did he?
02:45Well, he did.
02:46Well, interesting.
02:47Didn't catch the other fella's name, did you?
02:50No.
02:51Just like to know who the opposition is.
02:53J.F.S.
02:54Do what?
02:55That is his number plate.
02:567-3-J.F.S.
02:57Kevin.
02:58It's a special his name, like I asked him.
02:59Kevin, shout out and watch the box.
03:02You're so interested.
03:04What's your name, then?
03:05James Hazel.
03:06Hazel.
03:07What's yours?
03:08Same as me husband's.
03:10Patrick?
03:12All a bit sharp, you antique dealers, aren't you?
03:15Bit crooked.
03:16Now I ask you.
03:17Do I look crooked?
03:21It's Brenda, if you must know.
03:23Nice to meet you.
03:24Brenda.
03:28Didn't see which way they went, did you?
03:30Out the pub in the corner.
03:32Talk business.
03:33Might take a little stroll up there, then.
03:35I got there Thursdays with a friend.
03:38Girls night, huh?
03:41Wonder if my friend would like your friend.
03:43She's divorced.
03:44Got a flat of her own.
03:46That's handy.
03:48Just in case you thought it might be another wasted journey.
03:52See you, Brenda.
03:54Oh, and if you do see me old man up the boozer,
03:56tell him not to get two moats up.
03:58With all that money,
04:00I'm expecting a nice holiday on the Costa del Sol.
04:03You'll be a sensation over there.
04:06Toodle-pip.
04:29Sorry, Brenda, but from where I'm standing,
04:31it looks like bye-bye Costa del Sol.
04:34Unless Deppford dustmen carry big insurance policies.
04:39Excuse me, sir.
04:41Wouldn't happen to be a fellow called McCrackney.
04:43What's that got to do with you?
04:46Well, uh...
04:47Just thought I'd recognise them, my channel.
04:49I'll see what happened, did ya?
04:51Witnessed.
04:51No, uh, just...
04:52Get them away from the ambulance, would ya?
04:54Friend, is it?
04:55Sort of.
04:56Good.
04:56You just stand over there, would ya?
04:58And I'll have a word with you in a minute.
05:00What's it like?
05:01Now, if there's one thing I have learned in life,
05:03it's that if your local CID, Sid,
05:05tells you to go and stand over there,
05:07you walk in the direction pointed,
05:09and walk,
05:10and keep walking.
05:11Otherwise, you're gonna get a lot of questions
05:13to which you have no answers.
05:14And that's what I did.
05:21It started the same day as I moved into the new office.
05:45Oh, Jim, Jim.
05:47Come and clock this.
05:50Oh, they're lovely.
05:52It's a work of art, that is.
05:53Terrific, tell.
05:53Oh, he's even spelt it right.
05:55Has he?
05:56Oh, terrific.
05:57Morning, Ryan.
05:59Oh, uh, morning.
06:01Yeah, morning.
06:02Oh, yeah.
06:03If anyone wants me, I meant the natural history.
06:05Gotcha.
06:06Uh, what'd you think the old nameplate, then?
06:08Eh?
06:08Sorry?
06:10Oh, yes.
06:11It's very effective, isn't it?
06:21Who's he?
06:22He is my sitting tenant.
06:23Oh, squatter.
06:25Oh, I inherited him.
06:26He matches the curtains.
06:32Well, it's not a bad little drum.
06:34And once I've spilled some Nescaf on the carpet,
06:37got the ashtrays overflowing,
06:38it'll be just like home.
06:42Where's the jar?
06:43Uh, no, look, I've got to get this filing system sorted.
06:46I'll see you down there, eh?
06:47All right.
07:03Maybe joining Tell for an early livener wasn't such a bad idea.
07:10There was a pungent advance card of Chanel No. 5.
07:14And there she was,
07:16looking like she'd just been around Arads
07:17with a fistful of credit cards.
07:21Mr. Hazel?
07:23My pleasure.
07:24For once.
07:25What have you taken over from Mr. Fitch, then?
07:27Just the office.
07:29If you were a client of his,
07:30I'd be happy to do anything I can for you.
07:31Oh, thank you.
07:33I was, uh,
07:33just gonna make some coffee.
07:35Would you like one?
07:36Yes, I'd love one.
07:48Is Mr. Fitch left,
07:49owing me rather a lot of money?
07:52Sorry,
07:52but, uh,
07:53like I said,
07:54no connection with the previous firm.
07:56I, uh,
07:57take it he was working for you?
07:58Miss...
07:58Oh, my name's Fiona Sutton.
08:01Yes, he was,
08:02he was trying to recover something for me.
08:04A family heirloom of no intrinsic value.
08:07I gave him £500,
08:08and that's the last I saw of him.
08:09Well, £500 sounds like it's got some sort of value.
08:11Only to my family.
08:13Well, look,
08:14why don't we start a square one, eh?
08:15You wouldn't mind tea, would you?
08:16No, not at all.
08:18Very well.
08:20My sister made rather a foolish marriage.
08:22A young doctor,
08:23dedicated, rather naive.
08:25Wanted to take enlightened medicine
08:26to primitive, simple people.
08:28So you went to Africa?
08:29No, you went to Deptford.
08:31I believe it's in south-east London, somewhere.
08:33Yeah.
08:34Well, it wasn't far out, was it?
08:35Well, of course,
08:36father was very opposed to the marriage.
08:38Well, if she was going to marry a doctor,
08:39at least it should have been a Harley Street man.
08:41Well, well, so is it.
08:43Well, even so,
08:43he settled a good deal of money on them,
08:45and, among other gifts,
08:46a present of a statuette of St. Wanda of Krakow,
08:49to whom our family has always had a special devotion.
08:53Shall we?
08:53Oh, yes.
08:57Naturally, the marriage failed,
08:58and the good doctor turned out to be a bitter and vindictive man.
09:03When my sister left him,
09:04he threw all her belongings out in the street,
09:06including the statuette.
09:07Well, just threw them out in the street?
09:10Well, naturally, the local dustman had a field day.
09:12Well, one of them got hold of the statue,
09:14and is under the impression that it's worth a great deal of money.
09:16And you want it back, understandably.
09:19My parents are returning from the Far East, George.
09:22It would break father's heart if you thought...
09:24Why don't you just travel to darkest Deptford
09:26and offer the dustman some dough?
09:27That's what Mr. Fitch was supposed to do.
09:30I thought the job was more suited to a man.
09:33He claims that the dustman became heavy towards him,
09:35and promised he'd try again.
09:37That was the last I saw of it, and my money.
09:40So you really want someone to come heavy with a dustman?
09:43No, certainly not.
09:45Simply try to make him see reason.
09:48Which amounts to how much?
09:52She peeled off 500 in 20-pound notes,
09:55and still left a few brothers and sisters
09:56of the same denomination in the handbag.
09:58That is the man's name and address.
10:01Now, if you must, pay him all of the 500.
10:05How about your own fee, Mr. Hazel?
10:08Well, usually it's $25 a day, plus expenses.
10:12But in your case, Miss Sutton,
10:14seeing as your reasons for wanting this thing back
10:15are so moving and heartwarming,
10:18and obviously very, very sincere,
10:20$75 a day, plus expenses.
10:22There's $150.
10:24You'll get the rest as and when.
10:32You're sure this guy's a dustman,
10:34not a new great white oak, eh?
10:37Are you turning me down, Mr. Hazel?
10:41I shouldn't think that's happened to you too often in your life,
10:43Miss Sutton.
10:44Oh, Mr. Hazel, I really need your help.
10:47My father's old, and he's very sick, and...
10:49Yeah, and it's gonna kill him if he doesn't get this little statue
10:51with no intrinsic value back into the family vault.
10:54That's very unfair.
10:56And rather cruel.
10:58Yeah.
10:59Sorry.
11:00Can you call me tonight?
11:02I'm staying at the Durham, room 603.
11:04I'll call you.
11:06Somehow I know I can trust you, Mr. Hazel.
11:08No worries.
11:10I was Boy Scout of the year once, down our way.
11:14All of which explains what I was doing
11:16schlepping around Deptford tonight
11:18looking for a dustman who thought he was on a winner
11:20and ended up as a non-runner
11:21with a motor car on top of it.
11:27Do you mean that?
11:38So, having found a one non-vandalised phone box in five,
11:42even though it didn't have a door,
11:43I could hardly wait to break the good news to Miss Sutton.
11:46Hello, sir.
11:47The forwarding address is flat 7, 62 Regents Park Place.
11:51Phone number?
11:52Sorry, sir.
11:54Terrific.
12:00Could be an accident, of course.
12:02Or maybe the fellow with the number plate 73 JFS
12:05has run him over.
12:07So, I've got the initials.
12:09JFS.
12:10But 73?
12:12What's all that?
12:13His age?
12:14The year he went bankrupt?
12:15How much he owes the VAT?
12:26Cousin Tel had recently come by a job lot of shirts.
12:2980% pure viscose and 20% pure cotton.
12:32But honest to God, Jim Jim,
12:34they look like pure silk when you got them on.
12:39Oh, Mr. Hazel?
12:41Yeah.
12:43It's a bit out of office hours.
12:44What can I do for you?
12:46My name is Oscar Heller,
12:47and I think you may be able to assist me.
12:50I'm searching for an ornament,
12:52a statue of a maiden.
12:53It has been mislaid by its rightful owner.
12:56I am authorised to offer you £5,000 for its recovery.
13:01Does that proposition interest you, Mr. Hazel?
13:05Could be the best offer I've had all night.
13:08Then you do know something about this little ornament.
13:10Oh, no, I didn't say that.
13:13Mr. Hazel, I must warn you not to bevaricate.
13:17Otherwise...
13:18Otherwise what?
13:19Otherwise I will certainly be obliged to shoot you.
13:23Now, hang about, Mr. Ellis.
13:25When I search your office,
13:26will you kindly raise your hands,
13:28clasp them behind your head,
13:30and come to the centre of the room.
13:34Look,
13:36as far as I'm concerned,
13:38Mr. Ellis,
13:38you can search the office.
13:40I must first of all ascertain
13:42that you're not carrying a weapon.
13:44This is jolly old England, Mr. Ellis.
13:46We don't carry guns.
13:55It was what the Yanks call a Saturday night special.
13:58Cheap Japanese imitation.
14:00Deadly accurate,
14:01up to the range of about two and a half feet.
14:03Still,
14:04even little bullets can make holes.
14:11His name was Oskar Elleroroe.
14:13It said so in his British passport.
14:15It also said so in his Swiss passport,
14:18also his Lebanese passport,
14:20not to mention his Turkish passport.
14:22Eller was a right little one man in the United Nations.
14:25Could probably keep Thomas Cook in business all on his own.
14:34There was no need to strike me.
14:36Sorry.
14:37It's the sort of wild impulse I get
14:39when people start threatening to shoot me.
14:41You see,
14:41it is far better that we become associates
14:43rather than enemies.
14:44I couldn't agree more.
14:46Especially when you mention figures like,
14:47er,
14:485,000.
14:49That may have been a slip of the tongue.
14:52Oh.
14:53You see,
14:53it is possible that I know more of the whereabouts
14:55of the ornament than you.
14:57or vice versa.
14:58I would like you to tell your employer of our meeting.
15:01You know,
15:02Miss Sun.
15:03The young lady in question
15:04changes her name as frequently
15:06as most of us change our underwear.
15:09She can contact me at the Hotel Munster,
15:12room 368.
15:13Will you kindly pass that message on for me?
15:16Why not?
15:18I assure you,
15:19we will all profit greatly from this meeting.
15:23Now,
15:23if I could please have my gun back,
15:27I'd hate to be caught carrying an offensive weapon.
15:31I must ask you once more
15:33to raise your hands
15:33and clasp them behind your head.
15:35It is certainly my intention
15:36to search your room.
15:37If you,
15:38hang on a minute,
15:40I'll reload it for you.
15:43Those were my very last bullets,
15:45Mr. Hazel.
15:45Well,
15:46if you're a good boy
15:47and behave yourself,
15:47I just might give them back to you.
15:49Oi!
15:50Hang on a minute.
15:51Mr. Ella.
15:56Captain late at the office again, eh?
15:58Hazel?
15:59Yeah, well,
15:59it's something to do
16:00with the state of the economy,
16:01you know,
16:01chock.
16:01Someone's got to put in the overtime.
16:03You didn't see a little fellow
16:04run out the street just now, did you?
16:05Yeah, I assumed
16:05it was just another dissatisfied customer.
16:09This way.
16:19You made good time
16:20back from Deptford?
16:23So,
16:23what were you doing down there?
16:26Business.
16:27Not very pleasant business
16:28from what I hear.
16:30All right.
16:31So how do you know
16:32I was in Deptford?
16:33It's the technological revolution,
16:34Hazel.
16:36I'd lay my time away
16:37down at the yard
16:38scanning the printout
16:39from our computer.
16:40We're all computerized nowadays.
16:42Yeah, well,
16:42I'm for anything
16:42that stops coppers
16:43having to think for themselves.
16:44Ah, ah,
16:45point of information, Hazel.
16:47A woman who was widder tonight
16:48mentioned your name.
16:49A local police inspector
16:51described a man
16:52behaving in a curious
16:52and inquisitive manner.
16:54Description fitted you to a T.
16:56Yeah, terrific.
16:57Look,
16:57Giggs had gets himself run over.
16:59I mean,
16:59what do you want to do?
16:59Feed my motor through forensics?
17:01Ah, and why not, eh?
17:02That nasty little relative of yours
17:04has got a van, hasn't he?
17:06Might as well give that a
17:06well while we're at it.
17:08Oh, incidentally,
17:10the van is untaxed
17:11and uninsured.
17:12I also found that out
17:14from the computer.
17:14I didn't tell you
17:15which boozer he drinks in as well,
17:16did he?
17:17What is going on
17:18down at Deptford?
17:19If I knew,
17:19I'd be the first to tell you.
17:21Huh.
17:24I hope so, Hazel.
17:26Hmm.
17:28Otherwise.
17:30Otherwise what?
17:31Otherwise, laddie,
17:32you're going to become
17:33that little man
17:34who is forever helping
17:35the local police
17:36with their inquiries.
17:38Hmm.
17:40Hmm.
17:52Hmm.
17:53Hmm.
17:56Hmm.
17:57Hmm.
17:58Hmm.
17:58Hmm.
18:27¶¶
18:30The name by the bell said Lavinia Lefebvre,
18:33which made her sound like the star of Soho's latest topless go-go attraction.
18:40Not too early for you, am I?
18:43Come in, Mr. Hazel.
18:50I thought you might have called last night.
18:52Well, that would have been a bit difficult.
18:54You see, a lot happened in Deptford last night.
18:55And on top of all that, I had a visit from a little friend of yours.
18:59Oscarella.
19:02Did you tell him where I was living?
19:05Might have confused him.
19:08He didn't know what name you'd be using.
19:11Yes, I'm sorry about that.
19:13Obviously it isn't Fiona Sutton.
19:15How about Lavinia Lefebvre?
19:17No, not that either.
19:18My real name is Cathy O'Reilly.
19:21Cathy O'Reilly?
19:22I think Fiona Sutton suits me better, don't you?
19:25Well, how about Eddie Lamar or Ginger Rogers?
19:29I think it's what we in a trade call owning up time.
19:33Don't you, Fiona? Cathy?
19:36Oh, Mr. Hazel, I shouldn't have been so deceitful.
19:39Look, I'm alone and I'm very, very frightened.
19:43All right, Cathy. I think you're terrific.
19:46But when the man I go to see on your behalf gets himself run over
19:49and then this little fella barges into my office waving an automatic,
19:52I think I'm entitled to a few explanations, don't you?
19:55And there's your 500.
19:58Heller offered you more.
19:59Heller offered me five grand.
20:00Said he was ready to do a deal with you.
20:02Do you know where to get in touch with him?
20:04And do you know what's happened to the statue of the saint?
20:07I've got a fair idea.
20:08Then I'll match Heller's offer.
20:11Well, suddenly this little saint with no intrinsic value
20:14seems to have leapt into the Sutterby's bracket.
20:16All right, Mr. Hazel.
20:17The story I told you about my sister and her doctor husband
20:19is obviously untrue.
20:20I just about worked that one out.
20:21Very well.
20:22The statue is worth a great deal.
20:24It's 17th century.
20:25How much is a great deal?
20:27I don't think that's any of your business.
20:29But you're still the rightful owner.
20:31Or at least your old man is.
20:32My father died many years ago, and no.
20:34No, I'm not the rightful owner.
20:35But no court of law could ever establish that.
20:39You think you know who's got the statue now?
20:43Well, then that's yours.
20:45With another four and a half thousand to come
20:47if you lead me to the statue.
20:49What's this gonna do?
20:50Pay for me convalescent expenses if I get run over or shot at?
20:52Very well, Mr. Hazel. How much do you want?
20:54Depends on what you're buying. Brains, brawn, protection.
20:57I want to buy your loyalty.
20:59Ah. You buy my time.
21:02But you're still going to help me.
21:04Mainly I'm gonna do it to help myself.
21:06Because the police are very interested
21:08in why I was looking for a dustman
21:09who became deceased shortly afterwards.
21:11The police have seen you?
21:12Yep.
21:14Did you tell them anything about me?
21:16No, Duchess.
21:18We're like the medical profession.
21:20Strictly confidential.
21:22I'll see you later.
21:35One of the few bonuses of still having a few friends in the force
21:38is that it can get you certain kinds of information very quickly.
21:41Like who owns a car with a registration number 73 JFS.
21:45Which turned out to be a flash antique dealer by the name of John Sandilands.
22:09Good morning, sir. Can I help you at all?
22:13Could be, Squire.
22:14I've just moved into this new place
22:16and I'm looking for something a bit ornamental.
22:18A statue, maybe.
22:20For me up a white corner shelf.
22:21Sort of conversation piece.
22:23Ah, well now, I do have some rather interesting pieces of sevre.
22:28What would tickle my fancy, for example,
22:30would be the statue of a saint.
22:32Feminine variety.
22:34I'm a bit into your objects devotional.
22:36Know what I mean?
22:36I have a small laden virgin.
22:39An 18th century copy of Duccio's Madonna.
22:42No thanks, sailor.
22:43I'm talking about his 17th century job.
22:45I'm sorry.
22:46Deptford virgin?
22:47No?
22:49Well, how about, er, Saint Martha?
22:51What a little crack hour.
22:53No?
22:54No.
22:59I think yes.
23:09What time did you leave the pub last night?
23:11Who are you?
23:13James Hazel.
23:15I'm an inquiry agent.
23:19How did you know I was in Deptford last night?
23:22Well, that's one of the joys of having a specialised number plate, innit?
23:24Everybody can see you coming.
23:26What is your interest?
23:29Professional.
23:31See, the dustman you had a meet with died last night.
23:34So what time you left the man who might be of interest to, shall we say, local police?
23:39How did he die?
23:41Run over.
23:42Hit and run driver.
23:43Who knows?
23:45But there still might be some nasty questions to answer.
23:48Couldn't there?
23:50So what time do you leave him?
23:52About eight o'clock.
23:54Okay.
23:57Er, let me ask you professional advice.
24:01Why not?
24:02How much is your statue worth?
24:04Are you buying, Mr. Hazel?
24:07Well, that's 500, grab you.
24:09A bit like gastroenteritis, old chap.
24:13We only found 400 on the dustman.
24:15That's what I paid him.
24:17Right.
24:19How much do you want?
24:21Don't waste my time.
24:23It will go through the trade.
24:26Your card.
24:28Keep it.
24:29Might come in handy.
24:32Excuse me.
24:36Good morning, madam.
24:38You've done about your...
24:39And that seemed like the end of the interview.
24:52Skinny kid.
24:53Bit on the gay side, I reckon.
24:55One of the funny things about having been an old Bill is that it develops certain instincts, such as you
25:00know when you're being followed, especially when it's not being done very well.
25:06And but for a smart cabbie, he'd have been on my tail, if you'll pardon the expression.
25:11He's pulling in, Gov.
25:13Where do you want me to stop?
25:13Behind or in front?
25:15About 20 yards behind.
25:28We must do this again sometime.
25:30You're good.
25:35The interesting thing about being followed is you have to be just as interested in following in.
25:54Uh, excuse me, Chief.
25:55I've just dropped this young fella off in my minicab and he's left this on the back seat, hasn't he?
25:58Oh, yeah, yeah.
25:59I know.
25:59He does come in there.
26:00Don't worry.
26:01Well, I thought if I could take it up to him, there might be a little drink in it for
26:03me.
26:04You know what I mean?
26:05All right.
26:05It's Mr. Wilkins' penthouse suite.
26:25It's him, Mr. Brownell.
26:27Hazel.
26:30Then a most cordial welcome to you, Mr. Hazel.
26:39My word, you are a resourceful fellow.
26:41How on earth did you find us?
26:43Just happened to be a better bloodhound than your little fella.
26:45You should take lessons, son.
26:46I thought you'd be a smart-mouthed cockney.
26:49Yeah, well, it's all those jellied eels we eat.
26:51Makes us slippery.
26:52Please, Mr. Hazel, don't antagonize Wilkins.
26:55Why?
26:56Does he bite?
26:57I'd love a few minutes alone with him, Mr. Brownell.
26:59I'll bet you'd love a few minutes alone with any fellow, wouldn't you?
27:03Please, Mr. Hazel, Wilkins is a surprisingly violent man.
27:07A keen student of the martial arts, master of kung fu, black belt at judo.
27:11Black belt, eh?
27:13And you'd better believe it as well.
27:15I would have thought suspender belt would have been more on your line.
27:17All right, Wilkins, yes.
27:18Gentlemen, gentlemen.
27:19Please, we are not here to indulge in a public house brawl.
27:23Serious matters are afoot.
27:26First of all, let me introduce myself formally.
27:28My name is Alistair Brownhill, a gentleman of not inconsiderable private means.
27:33Yes, didn't think this was a council flag.
27:36With a keen interest in acquiring the Virgin Martyr of Krakow.
27:40Just one of the club?
27:41Oh, yes.
27:42When the stakes are high, the game inevitably attracts a large number of players.
27:47Do sit down.
27:48Will you join me in a glass of whiskey, Mr. Hazel?
27:51Uh, just a small one.
27:53Nonsense.
27:54A small whiskey is a stain on the bottom of the glass.
27:59Should we talk of the opposition?
28:02The girl is obviously very shrewd.
28:05Employing a fellow of such resources yourself is proof enough of that.
28:09You prefer soda or more than water?
28:11Um, drop of water.
28:13Mm-hmm.
28:14And Heller?
28:15Oh, good.
28:15You've met him, too.
28:17Mm-hmm.
28:18I've been on the trail of the Virgin for 15 years, Mr. Hazel,
28:21and Mr. Heller has never been very far behind.
28:26Tell me, frankly,
28:28do you think you can lay your hands on the statue?
28:30I reckon I've got more chances than most.
28:32And if I say that money is of little or no importance,
28:36do the chances improve?
28:37They usually do.
28:38Yes, they do.
28:41Tell me, have you any idea how much the statue is worth?
28:45I can guess.
28:46No, Mr. Hazel.
28:48You're bluffing,
28:49and never try to bluff a man who has money enough to call.
28:53Should I tell you the story?
28:56I'm sitting comfortably.
28:57Oh.
28:58Then I'll begin.
29:00Picture, if you will,
29:02the shattered city of Warsaw
29:03during the closing months of the recent world conflict.
29:07Joseph Stalin's Mongol hordes were at the very gates of the city.
29:11Five Polish officers meet deep in the crypt of the Basilica.
29:16You know that Poland was once a great Catholic kingdom.
29:21So they tell me.
29:22Oh, yes.
29:23They have in their possession crown jewels from the period.
29:26And these famous five patriots to a man are determined
29:29that the jewels shall not fall into the hands of the Bolshevik regicides.
29:33One of their number takes the frankly rather prosaic statue of St. Wanda
29:38from beside the high altar.
29:40The statue is hollowed out, filled with the most precious of the gems,
29:43then resealed.
29:44So to the ill-informed eye, it appears intact.
29:47The officers make their escape.
29:50It was in the city of Istanbul
29:52that I first heard the story from a certain Mr. Hamet,
29:56a member of the Turkish intelligence services.
29:58And so I began my quest.
30:02Of the five officers, only one survived,
30:05a Major Sulemirsky.
30:07He evaded all my efforts to do business with him.
30:10He was now in failing health
30:12and suffering extreme discomfort of the pocket.
30:15Thus did the trail lead to the unlikely borough of Datford.
30:20The Major died.
30:21His belongings were disposed of.
30:23Many were simply thrown into the garden
30:24to become prey to the indigenous dustmen of the area.
30:28The indefatigable Miss O'Reilly
30:30was ahead of the field at that time,
30:32but she employed Mr. Fitch,
30:34who was both corrupt and incompetent
30:36and also failed to do a deal with the dustmen
30:38who now owned the virgin martyr of Krakow.
30:42The rest I suspect you know.
30:45You killed the dustmen?
30:48Certainly not.
30:49I have killed one or two men in my time,
30:52but all in foreign parts.
30:53No.
30:53The unfortunate dustman met his death at the hands of another.
30:56Not Bruce Lee over there.
30:59Wilkins is a keen observer of the highway code
31:02and the proud possessor of an advanced motorist certificate.
31:06In any case,
31:07one dustman the less here or there is of no matter.
31:10What does matter is the statue and your share of the profit.
31:15Okay.
31:17What's she worth?
31:19What is the king's ransom?
31:22I offer you my hand as a partner,
31:24but not as an equal partner.
31:25Why not?
31:27Because fifteen years of my life
31:28have been invested in the pursuit of that statue.
31:31Give me back those fifteen years,
31:33and then we're equal partners.
31:35I offer you a quarter of what I realise on the sale of the gems.
31:38Which will be how much?
31:40Shall we say I doubt if you need ever work again,
31:43except for pleasure.
31:46Okay.
31:47Supposing I can lay hands on the statue,
31:49why should I give it to you?
31:52Because fifteen years is just about what you'd spend in jail
31:55for the murder of the dustman.
31:58Now, Mr Browning, I know you...
31:59I'm not above or below bearing false witness.
32:02Mr Hazel and Miss O'Reilly would do the same for a suitable reward.
32:05I have friends in high places,
32:07and I never lacked for an acquaintance or two in low places.
32:13Okay.
32:15You'll get your statue.
32:16Splendid.
32:18But, uh...
32:19I don't want Bruce Lee following me around.
32:22Certainly, Mr Hazel.
32:23I'm teaching Wilkins the game of backgammon.
32:26Great.
32:27You'll be here for days, then.
32:28Ha ha ha!
32:50The time had definitely come to do a spot of checking up on me own account.
32:54Baker Street, please.
32:55Stop with the phone on Awaken.
32:56Right on, Cuff.
33:08Time was, when checking on a birth certificate meant a quick visit to one of those grand old British institutions,
33:13Somerset House.
33:15Nowadays, it's St Catherines, and somehow it just ain't the same.
33:18But you still get a few surprises.
33:20Like Kathy.
33:22Kathy O'Reilly, believe it or not, really is O'Reilly.
33:25And her dad was a highways maintenance worker.
33:27Which meant he was a pick and shovel operator before Kathy started taking elocution lessons.
33:33Then there's a fella at the home office who owes me a favour or three.
33:37Which turns out that J.F. Sandilands, antique dealer with his own number plate, was born Yanis Thakopoulos in sunny
33:43Cyprus.
33:44I decided a call on J.F. Sandilands, stroke Thakopoulos, might be in order.
33:54Unfortunately, the shop was shut and no one was taking messages.
33:58A pity, really, because I decided to put some pressure on him.
34:01As it turned out, I could have saved a petrol.
34:19Give us a hand, Hazen.
34:22Do you want to go to the hospital?
34:23I'll be okay.
34:24Come on.
34:32Who turned you up?
34:34Oh, a little bloke.
34:35Funny.
34:37Karate shops.
34:39Knew what you was doing.
34:41Northern accent?
34:43Yeah.
34:45Nearly wrecked my shop.
34:47You want a drink?
34:48No, no, I'll be all right.
34:50They shot lumps of me once in Cyprus.
34:53Didn't make much difference.
34:56They must want that statue pretty bad, eh?
34:59Yeah, well, why didn't you give it to them?
35:00Ah.
35:01A matter of principle.
35:03I thought it was strictly cash with you fellas.
35:05You were so busy belting me.
35:06We never ever had the chance to discuss that.
35:10They'd been on the phone as well, threatening my wife and kids.
35:15You still got that 500?
35:18Yeah.
35:19You want to take it off my hands?
35:22I thought you were saving it for a trade.
35:24Look, you got that 500.
35:31Then take the bloody thing.
35:41It's a fake, Hazel.
35:44What do you mean?
35:46It's a fake.
35:48A near perfect, 100% 20th century fake.
35:56Oh, terrific.
36:27Alright.
36:30Hello, Cyril.
36:33Yeah, yeah, I am a bit. Sorry about that. Been up half the night, protecting the Virgin's
36:39honour. No, I'll tell you later. Now, what have you got for me?
37:12Dig deep enough, and you'll always come up with some dirt. I mean, what about this one?
37:17A bent undertaker? Must be something to do with the cost of dying.
37:26I didn't care much about John DeCypriot's valuation of the statue, but there was enough money flying
37:31about, not to mention bodies, for me to get it into a safer place as soon as possible.
37:36Oh, tell. Now, listen. About an hour's time, I want you to get into your van, which, incidentally,
37:45I believe is untaxed and uninsured, get over here and pick up an envelope I've got taped
37:49under the desk. Then you nip over to Baker Street and you pick up a package and you take
37:54it to this address. Yes, yes. It could still be something in it for you. Certainly.
38:01A drink. A very big drink.
38:14Grand to see you, Mr. Hazel. All pals now, are we?
38:19Mr. Hazel and I thought it best, as we were closing for the kill, so to speak, that we
38:24joined forces.
38:26Well, it's nice to see you all pals together again.
38:28But I see no statue, Mr. Hazel.
38:30All I need to do is pick up the phone. I believe I was supposed to get a cash advance.
38:34So you shall. Tell her.
38:40Count it, sir.
38:41Five thousand pound in genuine coin of the realm.
38:44The banking laws being what they are, it's all I could raise in ready cash.
38:48Now we'll use the phone.
38:49And the balance?
38:51Another five thousand in the morning.
38:53The rest when the gems are sold.
39:04Glad to see you patched up your differences, Fiona.
39:07Sorry, Cathy.
39:08A quarter share is better than nothing.
39:11Smart.
39:12Hello, tell.
39:14Right, get over here.
39:16And if I don't answer when you knock on the door, you run.
39:19Got it?
39:20You have it on your heels.
39:21Very fast.
39:23Yes.
39:24Yes.
39:24Of course there'll be a drink in it for you.
39:28Be right over.
39:30For me, I've got another problem.
39:34A dustman got killed and the police think I had something to do with it.
39:37We all know that to be a fallacy.
39:39Not exactly.
39:40You know it.
39:41I know it.
39:42But the police, they don't know it.
39:45There's nothing the policeman hates more than a messy crime sheet.
39:49It's all the paperwork.
39:51They need somebody for that crime.
39:53What exactly are you suggesting, Mr. Hazel?
39:57I'm suggesting
39:59that we give them a body.
40:02Oh.
40:03Wilkins.
40:05Never noticed you there for a minute.
40:07Now either you're a messy shaver
40:09or you've been fighting, haven't you?
40:12And winning.
40:12Middle-aged, Cypriot, antique dealer?
40:15Ooh, you are an hard little fella.
40:18Ah!
40:18Jeez!
40:20Oh!
40:23Oh!
40:26Oh!
40:29Now you listen, sunshine, you may be very big in the cottage clubs up Wigan, but you've
40:34just jumped into League Division One.
40:36So unless you want me to break your handbag arm, you're going to sit over there and be
40:39very, very quiet.
40:41Ah!
40:43Are you all right?
40:44Let me help you.
40:50You shouldn't have done that.
40:52There was no need to hurt him.
40:54Sorry, Oscar.
40:55Didn't realize you two were so close.
40:56You're a hard man, Mr. Hazel, as well as being a resourceful one.
41:00Now let's talk business.
41:01You said something about giving them a body.
41:04Yeah.
41:05Someone they could lock up and charge with running over a dustman.
41:07That's the only way I get in the clear.
41:09And that's the only way I open the door when my cousin Tell arrives with the statue.
41:14A hard man, a resourceful man, and by Jove, a very shrewd man.
41:19Do you have somebody in mind?
41:21Yeah.
41:22Well, let's give them, shall we say, Wilkins.
41:29By Jove, Hazel, I admire your style.
41:31It's nice, isn't it?
41:32He bloody well means it, Mr. Brownhill.
41:34Of course he means it.
41:35But Wilkins is my employee, Mr. Hazel.
41:38Well, that's even better, isn't it?
41:39I mean, if you can't fit up an employee, who can you fit up?
41:42Well, it's not like he's one of us, a partner.
41:44Wilkins is expendable.
41:46Mm-hmm.
41:47But that's not fair.
41:49Okay.
41:50What about you?
41:52Me?
41:53Ah!
41:54I like it, I like it.
41:55I love a man who loves a joke.
41:57I was only ever in Deptford once in my life.
42:00Three minutes.
42:00I even kept a taxi waiting.
42:02And I am a partner.
42:03No doubt about it, Ella.
42:04Thank you, Mr. Brownhill.
42:06You're welcome.
42:07Okay.
42:08Then it's got to be poor old Wilkins.
42:10Like hell.
42:11Why not, old son?
42:13I mean, you're a bit of a rascal anyway, aren't you?
42:15Got a record of violence.
42:17You know what I think we should do?
42:19I think we should take a vote on it.
42:27Don't think he fancied the idea.
42:28Mr. Hazel, kindly explain.
42:31I suspect an ulterior motive.
42:33Well, let's lower the odds a bit.
42:35Now it's only three against one.
42:37Majo, if you're the sort of chap I'd go into the jungle with.
42:40Yeah, well, look, before we go off on safari,
42:42there is one other small point.
42:43Mr. Ella is packing a snub-nosed automatic,
42:46and I'd like to see it on the floor.
42:48Surely, Ella, you are not in possession of a firearm.
42:50But I always have one.
42:52On the floor?
42:53Ella, I must insist.
42:55Place your firearm on the floor.
43:10Tell, me, Jim.
43:14Cousin Tell was right on cue,
43:16and with consummate good taste
43:18had chosen to deliver the priceless Obje Dyer
43:20in a plastic bag from Tesco's.
43:22All yours, Mr. Browning.
43:23Or rather, all ours.
43:37It doesn't look much, does it?
43:39Does it look like 15 years of a man's life, Mr. Hazel?
43:51Let me try, please. Let me try. You'll damage it.
43:53Damage what?
43:55It's a fake.
43:56It's a fake.
43:58You wanted the statue the dustman got hold of?
44:00That's it.
44:01You stupid old fool.
44:03It's your fault, Abel.
44:04You've tricked us, Hazel.
44:06Me?
44:07You tricked yourselves.
44:08You didn't do your own work.
44:09What are you saying?
44:10You thought that an empty house
44:12and an undertaker's limousine
44:13meant a death in the family.
44:15Well, I checked the registry.
44:16No record of a Major Solomirsky ever dying.
44:19So I checked a few more places.
44:22Major Solomirsky, it would appear,
44:23is alive and well and living in the Argentine.
44:25And probably know that very sorry
44:27he didn't get there in time for the World Cup.
44:29He faked his death
44:30when he thought that you lot were closing in on him.
44:32So he had a fake statue made
44:33and thrown out into the garden
44:34with all the other old rubbish.
44:35That's the one the dustman found.
44:37And that's the one that's caused all this aggravation.
44:39You're sure about this?
44:43Flight AA349, 22nd of October.
44:46Got his visa three weeks before,
44:47travelled on a British passport.
44:49Funny thing is that none of the neighbours
44:50ever remember the house being up for sale after his death.
44:53That's because he flogged it
44:54through Christian Owen for 17 grand
44:55five weeks previously to slip in away.
44:57Do you have his address?
44:59Hotel Intercontinental, Buenos Aires.
45:00He's checked in for two nights.
45:01After that, who knows?
45:02Maybe he's having bed and breakfast with Martin Bourne.
45:04Then we're on the scent, Hannah.
45:06Get on the phone to the airport.
45:07Get us on the first flight to Buenos Aires.
45:10Are you with us, Mr. Hazel?
45:11We could use a chap of your resourcefulness.
45:13Strictly a London boy.
45:15Oh, Miss O'Reilly.
45:16I would like a word with her before you go dashing off.
45:19Should I suspect a double cross?
45:21Not from me.
45:22Ah.
45:23Then all that remains is for you to return my £5,000.
45:26Ah, well, I'm hanging on to that.
45:27But, my dear fellow...
45:29Expenses and compensation.
45:31Expenses? I accept.
45:32Yeah, well, the compensation's not for me.
45:34There's this young lady down in Deptford.
45:36Nice looking, as it happens.
45:37Sexy little thing.
45:38Used to be married to a dustman.
45:40Now, all she wants is three weeks on the cost of El Sol.
45:43Maybe have it off with a dashing Spanish waiter.
45:46I don't think that's too much to ask.
45:47Do you?
45:49A hard man.
45:50A resourceful man.
45:52A shrewd man.
45:53And now, by Jove, a compassionate man.
45:56I like you more every minute, Hazel.
45:58Even when you're costing me money.
46:01Come along, Heather.
46:02Buenos Aires is a fine city at this time of year.
46:05Give or take an armed insurrection or two.
46:13You've tricked them, haven't you?
46:15Now, why would I want to do that?
46:17For me, perhaps?
46:19You really think so?
46:20Well, we get on very well together, don't we?
46:24Could be.
46:26You've got the jewels, haven't you?
46:29Nope.
46:30But you've sent them to Buenos Aires on a wild goose chase.
46:34Nope.
46:35What then?
46:38Like I said, the law needs a body.
46:47And all along,
46:49I've been wondering what takes a drunken dustman
46:51into the car park of his local boozer.
46:54Especially as he hasn't got a car.
46:56And all the gents' labs are on the inside.
46:58The antique dealer left him an hour and a half before.
47:01So what takes a fella into the car park?
47:03Girl, perhaps.
47:05Really beautiful girl.
47:07That afternoon you rented a car.
47:08That's absolutely untrue.
47:10Forget it, Duchess.
47:11It's all been checked.
47:13You thought that maybe I couldn't handle it on me own
47:14or that maybe I might even have it away with a statue myself.
47:17So you got there before me
47:18and you chatted him into the boozer.
47:20Two of the barmen remember that
47:21because they don't get too many girls like you down there.
47:24You discovered he'd already flogged the statue.
47:26So you took him outside
47:28and because you're a really nasty, vindictive lady
47:30and he wouldn't tell you who he'd flogged the statue to
47:32or maybe even made a drunken pass at you,
47:35you run him over.
47:37You just run the poor bastard over.
47:41Forensics checked the car this morning.
47:43Hang on a sec, Chock, will you?
47:47Don't turn me in, please.
47:49Give me one good reason.
47:51Us?
47:53Together, we're too good for the others.
47:56Look, we could find that statue
47:57and then we'd never have another care in the world.
48:00You're a tryer, Kate.
48:01I've got to give you that.
48:02We'd be a good team, James.
48:04Oh, you know that.
48:05You must know it.
48:06Yeah.
48:07We'd be magic together.
48:09But unfortunately,
48:10you're going to be away.
48:12How long?
48:14About 12 years, I'd say.
48:16You'll be out in eight.
48:18A girl like you,
48:18you'll still be in your prime.
48:19Oh, Christ.
48:22Well, who knows, Duchess?
48:26Maybe I'll wait for you.
48:52For one, one morning,
48:55woke up where the ceiling fell.
49:00Born one morning,
49:02woke up where the ceiling fell.
49:07You learned everything you knew
49:09at six days
49:10Cause on the seventh day you knew it very well
49:15You trusted pretty women
49:17A pretty woman had you tied and bound
49:22You trusted in the bottle
49:25But in the end that bottle got you down
49:30You've tried everything that's going
49:32Better leave it all to faith this time around
49:37You've been down so long it looks like her
49:43Ain't that a shame
49:45Down so long it looks like her
49:51Ain't that a shame
49:53You know you'll lock my chains tomorrow
49:56And then again it might stay just about the same
50:10That's what I saw
50:10Yeah
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