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Taskmaster AU S05E01

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😹
Fun
Transcript
00:04Where's the ball?
00:05No!
00:06Woo-hoo!
00:08Oh!
00:13I'm pro-going!
00:14Yee-dee!
00:16Damn!
00:18Woo-hoo!
00:23Yeah, you're a good boy.
00:24Don't make me chocolate, you!
00:28You're gonna be like this today, aren't you?
00:38Hello and welcome to a brand new season of Taskmaster Australia.
00:43I'm Tom Gleeson and I'm back, baby.
00:45I've spent the off-season honing my mental physique
00:48and mastering my ability to be exceedingly judgmental
00:51in a way that only 75% of people would agree with.
00:54Also, I can watch five comedians attempt to impress me
00:58and walk away with a magnificent prize so rare
01:01there's only four of them for sale on Gumtree.
01:05A golden replica of my lustrous head.
01:12This week and every week we will be joined by...
01:21I'm so sorry.
01:23I'm so sorry.
01:24..and Perth's very own Rove McManus.
01:28And at my loyal side, the man who, in the off-season,
01:32somehow got his naughty bits stuck in the eye of a fidget spinner...
01:35..it's lesser Tom Cashman.
01:42It's not my fault. It was a design flaw.
01:46All right. It's time for the prize task.
01:49That's right. Our first task is a prize task.
01:51Each of our contestants have brought in a prize.
01:52The best prize, as judged by the Taskmaster,
01:54will receive five points, second best four points, and so on.
01:57And the winner of tonight's episode
01:58will take home all five prizes.
02:00Tonight, our contestants have been asked to bring in
02:02what they consider to be the object
02:03most likely to satisfy the Taskmaster
02:05if he were to crush it in his hand.
02:09All right, Anissa.
02:10What satisfyingly crushable object have you brought in?
02:13Well, I thought in this economy it's very difficult
02:15to maintain steady work,
02:18so I thought something that would satisfy you to crush
02:20would be the careers of your competitors.
02:30I like where you're going,
02:31but I think, at the moment,
02:32they're crushing their own careers, aren't they?
02:35Also, Rove, does it hurt you not to be up there?
02:37I'm excited.
02:39All right, Brett, what have you brought in?
02:40I know what your biggest beef is,
02:42and it's been, you know, all over the news and media,
02:44you have a big beef with Grant Denyer.
02:46So, I have got a mould of Grant Denyer's balls.
02:55And the best part is,
02:58that's actually a mould of his balls.
03:00Check this out.
03:07Wouldn't it be great just to put your hands down there,
03:09grab his balls and go,
03:10deal or no deal, Grant?
03:13Yeah!
03:16Right, Celia, what have you got?
03:17I brought something that is undeniably a pleasant thing
03:20for anybody to crush in their hand physically,
03:22and then I thought of something that you personally
03:24would like to crush.
03:25Yeah.
03:26A potato chip with Tom Cashman's dreams written on it.
03:36Wouldn't that be nice?
03:37Yeah, crushing the Pringle on its own would be very satisfying,
03:40but knowing that it had Cashman's dreams in there.
03:42I'm like, that's never going to happen either.
03:44I know.
03:46But it's a slippery slope though,
03:47because for me, once a pop, I can't stop.
03:49LAUGHTER
03:51Right, Joel.
03:53Well, I was trying to impress the Taskmaster.
03:56We both clearly hate the sun,
03:58and so therefore hate sand,
04:00because, you know, that gets in all the cracks
04:01and very hard to get out.
04:03And so I have built a sand castle
04:05with the most crushable thing on it,
04:08Tom Cashman's face.
04:10LAUGHTER
04:15Wow.
04:16That looks like the face I make
04:17when I find out I'm not getting a girlfriend.
04:20LAUGHTER
04:20Right, Rove, what did you bring in?
04:22I took something that I have myself
04:26that I love to crush on a regular basis.
04:28It's this piece of cheese that when you crush it,
04:33this happens, a little mouse comes out!
04:36LAUGHTER
04:38And it is thoroughly satisfying.
04:43The mouse is very cute.
04:45It's coming out of the cheese,
04:46but I grew up on a farm,
04:47and we had a mouse plague,
04:48and I'm traumatised by mice.
04:49So one point to Rove.
04:51Then I'm going to...
04:51What else am I going to go for?
04:53I have a pretend feud with Denya
04:54and a pretend feud with Peter Hellyer.
04:56OK.
04:56They're actually good friends of mine.
04:58I'm going to give two points to Brett
05:00and three points to Anissa,
05:01but I have a genuine feud with you,
05:03you s***head.
05:04LAUGHTER
05:10So I'm going to give Joel four points,
05:12but five points to Celia because, you know...
05:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
05:16Oh, my God.
05:18All right, that's enough piss-farting about.
05:19I'm ready for a first task.
05:21The first task for season five.
05:23You've got it.
05:24Call us Philosophy 101.
05:25We're about to prevent death with a trolley problem.
05:40Hello, Tom.
05:42Hello, Thomas.
05:43Hey.
05:44I like your place.
05:50Hi, Rose.
05:51Oh, hi, Tom.
05:53Dude, is that your car?
05:54That's sick.
05:55Bunch of eggs in a trolley.
05:57I'm not surprised.
05:58You don't look that excited to see me, Tom.
06:00You don't think?
06:02Not at all.
06:03Are you going to be like this the whole time?
06:04Like what?
06:05Like this.
06:06I guess.
06:08Look at me friends.
06:09Are you still doing comedy?
06:11Am I still doing comedy?
06:12Yeah.
06:12You're just doing this.
06:13This is comedy.
06:15May I?
06:16Please.
06:18OK.
06:19I've ruined the card already.
06:20Here we go.
06:21Send these passengers on the safest yet speediest journey down the drive.
06:26You may not touch the passengers.
06:28The vehicle may only be moved by shoves
06:31with one shove allowed every 30 seconds.
06:35For any deceased passengers, you must hold a meaningful memorial
06:40before proceeding.
06:41A bonus point will be given for best memorialiser.
06:45Fastest wins.
06:46The time starts now.
06:48I'm so sorry, but some of you aren't going to make it.
06:55Just before we get started, I'm going to say
06:56I'm so glad I didn't get that driveway resealed.
07:00Because that gravel is going to be an absolute bastard.
07:04So whose eggs are we going to murder first?
07:06Well, you can't break eggs without breaking a few eggs.
07:09It's Anissa, Celia and Rove.
07:11All right, you guys.
07:13Are you with me?
07:13Who feels safe?
07:17Be free, my little passengers.
07:19Look at them go.
07:20This is great.
07:21Never going to win unless I try.
07:29Oh no!
07:30We lost one.
07:31Oh, but she's still going.
07:32Go, you little ripper.
07:34Oh, I'm really happy with this.
07:36I'm really happy with this.
07:38Oh no.
07:39Oh, it's carnage.
07:40Oh no.
07:42Oh no.
07:43Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to mourn the loss of some dear friends of mine.
07:53To the earth you return.
07:57I'm Muslim.
07:58I don't know why I did that.
08:00Oh no, Captain Boyle.
08:02He stole from the rich and gave to the poor and we will miss him.
08:06I don't think that one was dead.
08:07Oh, f***.
08:08I lied.
08:09He was a pedophile.
08:11Let's go for broke.
08:19That wasn't worth it.
08:20That was quite a good one.
08:21Oh no, they're all dead.
08:23I'm going to miss you guys.
08:25This one was a bit of a dick, but we're sad that you died anyway.
08:34What's this for?
08:35Dude, it's a pyre.
08:37You know how it works.
08:38In post effects, we could add flames.
08:41Oh!
08:42Oh.
08:42Stand back.
08:43Tom, don't get burnt from the fire.
08:45Here we go.
08:49I should have been there.
08:50I should have cared for you.
08:52I should have nurtured you.
08:56Great.
08:56Finish line is in sight.
08:57I'm just going for it.
08:58I believe in all of you, okay?
09:00Do you trust me?
09:01Let's go.
09:02He's crossed the line.
09:04Yes!
09:06Oh, look at this angel who didn't leak when I gave her a hug at all.
09:10No, she's fine.
09:11They're all fine, Tom.
09:13In fact, I'm just going to keep them with me because they're all alive and fine.
09:17Are some of them dead too?
09:18No.
09:19Thanks, Tom.
09:20Thanks, Celia.
09:21Bye.
09:29So, Celia, how many memorials have you been to where, after the tribute, they throw the
09:33body away?
09:35Well, you don't keep them.
09:37Well, you don't keep them.
09:38They're all dicks.
09:38They're a bunch of egg dicks and I'm glad they're dead.
09:42Yeah, you abused them in several different ways.
09:45What were you calling the eggs?
09:46I don't know.
09:47One of them...
09:47I won't repeat it.
09:49I'll repeat it.
09:50Celia accused one of them of being a pedophile.
09:55So, Anissa, you said to one of the eggs in your heartfelt tribute, I should have been there.
10:00Um, you were there.
10:04I feel like I should have been there intellectually because I wasn't thinking.
10:08I don't know why I pushed it that hard.
10:10I genuinely could not think of another way to do it other than that.
10:13You know?
10:14Right?
10:15Are you trying to throw to the next segment?
10:21I'll do the twists and turns, thank you.
10:24Now, Rove, how did you feel about the fire that was added in post there?
10:27Oh, it was really good and I'll tell you all about it after the break.
10:30Oh!
10:33No?
10:35I was quite impressed by it.
10:37That's what I expected my Viking funeral to be like.
10:40All right.
10:40Now, Tom, what's your favourite part of this task?
10:43Yeah, probably the second line of the task, actually.
10:44Oh, right.
10:45And what was that?
10:46You may not touch the passengers in any way.
10:49I can't touch them.
10:50Nope.
10:51Oh, no, Captain Boyle.
10:53We will miss him.
10:54I don't think that one was dead.
10:55Oh, ****.
10:56That was Jasmine.
10:58Okay.
11:00I touched it.
11:01I touched it.
11:02So, what was...
11:03Can I put it back?
11:04So, Carl's going into space.
11:07Oh.
11:09Please don't throw the eggs at the camera, people.
11:16Can I touch them now?
11:17What do you mean now?
11:19I wasn't touching them before.
11:25So, this means they're all disqualified.
11:28That's right.
11:30Rove touched an egg twice.
11:31Anissa touched an egg 31 times.
11:35Celia touched an egg 40 times.
11:37I love it.
11:38I just love touching eggs, okay?
11:40I have a problem.
11:43All right.
11:43Well, let's take a break.
11:44We'll be back soon to see if any of our contestants aren't disqualified.
11:48We'll see you after this.
12:00Welcome back to Taskmaster Australia.
12:03If you've just joined us, you're late and I'm very disappointed.
12:07What were we doing, Tom?
12:08Our contestants are shoving a trolley full of eggs down a driveway as fast as they can and they're not
12:11allowed to touch eggs.
12:12So far, our contestants have touched so many eggs.
12:16All right.
12:17It's just a simple task.
12:18Fastest wins.
12:19Fastest wins.
12:20Up next, it's all the king's men.
12:22Can they end what can only be described as an egg touching extravaganza?
12:25It's Joel Creasy and Brett Blake.
12:27I'm not very strong.
12:28Am I allowed to drive that car?
12:31Jump in.
12:31Let's go.
12:32I can use anything, right?
12:37What if I got on me?
12:39I'm staying here?
12:39Yeah, you're staying here.
12:41If I tie this and sort of shut it, then I can sort of pull it back.
12:45Well, what if I like put something over the top to pat it?
12:51I'm not touching them.
12:53Go to sleep with legs.
12:55What's that for?
12:56A ramp, dickhead.
12:58Let's go.
13:03There are no deceased passengers.
13:05Yes.
13:06Oh, that's a shit ramp.
13:09Shove.
13:13I reckon I've nailed this.
13:14I feel like this is a shop.
13:16That's a shop.
13:19That's a shop.
13:21There's one deceased passenger.
13:26There is one deceased passenger.
13:28There is one deceased passenger.
13:29I mean, you just go away.
13:30And you are just a bit too weak.
13:32And that's life, isn't it?
13:33That's the memorial.
13:34It's nicer than what I said at my grandma's funeral.
13:37You need to sing the national anthem.
13:40Go.
13:41You want me to do it?
13:42Yeah.
13:43Yeah.
13:43Well, I'm doing this.
13:45Go.
13:45Come on.
13:46Australians.
13:49Oh, let us rejoice.
13:52Yeah.
13:53Oh, let us rejoice.
14:16There's a flag there.
14:18Maybe a burnout.
14:19We are young and free range.
14:24With oil and oil and something, something oil.
14:30Our home is...
14:31The eggs would want me to win.
14:34The eggs would want me to win.
14:40There's an additional deceased passenger.
14:46Can you skip?
14:49Oh, there you go.
14:59Great work, Brett.
15:01I think you did really well.
15:03I especially like, for we are young and free, range.
15:07I love how I'm the only person on the panel who's dyslexic,
15:11but I managed to read, do not touch the eggs.
15:14I like your memorials too that you gave.
15:16I think they were very good.
15:17But I feel like at a Bogan Memorial,
15:19you should have been wearing wraparound sunnies.
15:21Yeah.
15:21There wasn't enough props, but I had a ramp.
15:23I got the van involved.
15:24I think I started using the van too much that the safety coordinator
15:28on set started hiding vehicles from me.
15:32So...
15:32It did not go well.
15:34Tom had some fun though.
15:35Well, I felt like I was in danger more than...
15:39Danger, electric, excitement.
15:41It's all the same, dude.
15:43Alright, Joel.
15:44Yes.
15:44I thought you were being a bit hard on yourself
15:45when you were saying that you weren't that strong,
15:48but then I saw your effort and I thought it was about accurate.
15:52I don't know what I was planning with the rope,
15:55because I didn't do anything.
15:57I did enjoy the memorials though,
16:00because I've been planning my funeral forever.
16:03Well, I can't wait.
16:04I honestly can't wait.
16:05Oh, what's your plan?
16:05Open casket with my eyes glued open.
16:07Right?
16:08So I can look into the eyes of my enemies just one last time.
16:11Yeah.
16:12Joel, would you like to hear more about your plan for your funeral?
16:15Glinda and El Farber from Wicked will sing for good.
16:18El Farber?
16:19El Farber?
16:21El Farber?
16:22El Farber?
16:23El Farber?
16:37You do not get a second credit.
16:39Luke, I am your El Farber.
16:41No.
16:42No, no, no.
16:43It's all right.
16:43No, no, no.
16:44Give him a break.
16:45Give him a break.
16:46Tom, you know.
16:47You know.
16:47You're joking.
16:48You know the Wizard of Ooze.
16:49Right?
16:51To be fair, we should just do a pick-up of you saying El Farber,
16:54because otherwise fans of musical theatre will be coming at you.
16:59Oh, no.
17:00Joel.
17:01Joel.
17:01I don't think he's seen what Joe's hands come in.
17:02I was going to say,
17:03we'll rip your throat out.
17:06We're coming at you.
17:07We're coming at you.
17:09Better run.
17:10Better run.
17:14I'm sorry you had to sing that side of me, Tom.
17:17Woo!
17:20I'm not supposed to enjoy this show this much, but anyway.
17:23What I was trying to allude to when I was describing what Joel told me
17:26about his funeral is that we did a lot of talking during that task.
17:29Right.
17:30Joel took 37 minutes and 22 seconds.
17:33Brett's decision to use the van means his time was just 10 minutes and 8 seconds.
17:37Woo!
17:40So that means zero points for the first three contestants, Anissa, Celia and Rove,
17:44all disqualified.
17:45Four points for Joel and five points for Brett.
17:47Woo!
17:50Finally, you need to choose the best memorialiser.
17:53Oh, that's easy.
17:54Brett Blake.
17:54Okay.
17:55Six points for Brett Blake.
17:56Yeah, pretty big.
17:58Okay.
17:58And what are the scores for the episode so far?
18:00Out in front, it's a tie at the moment.
18:02Brett and Joel both on eight points.
18:04Oh, well done.
18:07All right.
18:09I'm ready for another task.
18:11This next task is about middle names, but I'll never tell you mine.
18:14Discretion is my middle name.
18:15Oh, wait.
18:16Oh.
18:31Tom Cashman with the iPad in the study.
18:36Bonjour.
18:37Hi, Joel.
18:38Please choose a word.
18:39Oh!
18:40What, choose one that's hanging?
18:41They all describe me.
18:43Darren, technically a name, but that's all right.
18:45I'll go with cool.
18:47Chaos.
18:47Wizard.
18:48Danger.
18:49I'll choose Darren.
18:50You're choosing Darren?
18:51Yeah.
18:53Oh, no.
18:55I'm cool.
18:57You're like Edmund Scissorhands.
19:00Totally broke that one.
19:01Now, do I read the thing?
19:02Yes, please.
19:03Okay.
19:07Why?
19:08The word you just selected is your new middle name.
19:13Live up to it.
19:14I should have gone with sexy.
19:16Most lived up to middle name wins.
19:18You have 25 minutes to time search down.
19:21I mean, obviously, Danny's my middle name.
19:22I win.
19:23I should just get points for choosing the correct one.
19:25Like, what would you do?
19:25Because you're very cool.
19:26Like, what would a cool person?
19:27Like, I'm asking a cool person.
19:28What would they do?
19:29I'm not going to answer because I suspect you're being sarcastic.
19:31This is effed up, but I'd know someone called Darren.
19:35He proposed to his missus in a Maccas.
19:37I won't be allowed to light things on fire, will I?
19:39Let's do it and let's wait to see what happens if I get yelled at.
19:42Cool.
19:43Cool.
19:44I want to physically get cool.
19:46I think I have to be the dangerous thing.
19:47So, I'm going to be sharp.
19:50Okay.
19:50And hot.
19:51And, like, have rabies.
19:54I'm off to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
19:59Do you mean the generic school for magic?
20:01Tom.
20:02Yeah.
20:02I'm off to a nameless school of witchcraft and wizardry.
20:06Grab everything.
20:07Grab the cameras.
20:08Let's go.
20:12So, Anissa, what drew you to Darren?
20:14Just an opportunity to make fun of white guys.
20:19So, like, how would you describe Darren as an emotion?
20:23Oh, yeah.
20:25Nah.
20:27Bam.
20:28Nailed it.
20:30Okay, Tom.
20:31I'm ready to see some people embody their new middle names.
20:34Who have we got first?
20:35He chose the word chaos.
20:36He's furious.
20:37He didn't choose sexy.
20:38It's Brett.
20:38Chaos.
20:38Blake.
20:40Ah!
20:40Your time's up now, Tomina!
20:42No one's going to save you!
20:44Oh, my God.
20:48It's Brett Sexy Blake.
20:50No!
20:54F-
20:55Fuck!
20:56Fuck!
20:57Fuck!
20:59Fuck!
21:00Fuck!
21:01Fuck!
21:02Fuck!
21:02Fuck!
21:03Fuck!
21:04Fuck!
21:05Fuck!
21:09Fuck!
21:14You're welcome.
21:43See you next time.
21:44You're not going to let me out of the chains?
21:46No.
21:49Okay, so did you forget which word you chose?
21:55You chose chaos, but then you came out on the bike and it said sexy and you were sexy.
22:00Ah, but they were just feelings you were feeling when you saw that.
22:02Yeah.
22:03You were like, that's sexy.
22:04I went with chaos, sexy and danger.
22:06I kind of got lost in it a bit.
22:07I think the character was Captain Chaos and then I was playing someone called maybe Mr.
22:13Sexy or cool or Darren and maybe Darren and then he saves Tom from Captain Chaos.
22:22Not Tom.
22:23Not?
22:23Who are you?
22:26Tamina.
22:27Oh, that's right.
22:28I gave you a girl's name and I put a wig on you.
22:30That's funny.
22:32It looked like a tutorial for when you get inducted into being a lesbian.
22:35That's what I thought I was watching.
22:37Well, ironically, a lot of that stuff came from Bunnings, so it makes sense.
22:41Alright, we're up to the middle name of any broadcast TV show.
22:45The ads.
22:45Back soon.
22:56Hello and welcome back to the first episode of Taskmaster Season 5.
23:01How exciting.
23:02You're witnessing the series right at its peak.
23:05And from this sentence, we're phoning it in.
23:08Where were we Tom?
23:09Our comedians are trying to live up to their new middle name.
23:11Up next, it's Anissa Darren Nandola and Joel Cool Creasy.
23:16Hi there.
23:17Could I please have a hash brown and an apple pie?
23:19No, I get a full meal, love.
23:21Get a full f***ing meal.
23:22Because today is a real special day.
23:26Do you want to have an ice bath with me?
23:28I loved you ever since I laid eyes on you at the pokies.
23:32Beautiful.
23:32Beautiful spot.
23:33This is so cool.
23:34The way you scream.
23:35Good job!
23:36Oh, man.
23:37Man, my heart race.
23:41Cool.
23:41See?
23:42Oh, my God.
23:46I've even got these very cool glasses to really hammer the point home.
23:52Would you please be my lawfully wedded wife and make me...
23:56You've kind of already put it on.
23:58Let me bloody finish, love.
23:59Okay.
23:59You want me to get in?
24:00I think you should.
24:01I think there's enough space.
24:02You didn't tell me to change.
24:03Look at that.
24:05Look at that.
24:05Do you want to be Mrs. Anissa Sanyal Dara Nandaula?
24:09I do.
24:10I'm refreshing.
24:14Get the large, get the large.
24:16I'll have fries as well.
24:19Oh, damn.
24:23Enjoy the view.
24:29This is based on a true story, right?
24:31This is based off of a Darren that I know.
24:33Okay.
24:33So, how's Darren's relationship going now?
24:36He's divorced.
24:38Now, you're from Queensland.
24:40Yes.
24:40You didn't choose to live like Darren Lockyer.
24:42He's a rugby player.
24:46He's a rugby player.
24:46I've noticed I'm being very careful because I don't want my citizenship revoked.
24:51Rugby player?
24:52Rugby league player.
24:53Oh, okay.
24:54I don't know what that means.
24:59He's a Queensland legend.
25:00Okay.
25:03So, Joel, was this task for you a bit tricky?
25:05Because to start with, you're already quite cool.
25:07Oh, I thought I'd give myself a challenge and try and be cool.
25:11Yeah.
25:12But I reckon you are already cool.
25:14You're on commercial radio.
25:15When I hang out with you, you're always very witty, well-dressed.
25:18You know, you're always often drinking a very fancy drink.
25:21I look at it and think, what's Joel drinking?
25:23I wouldn't mind having that because he's cool.
25:25Do you need money or something?
25:27No, I'm just saying.
25:34But the problem is, I think you started the task cool,
25:36but then you ended it not cool.
25:38Why?
25:39You finished in a bathtub with Tom Cashman.
25:41Not cool.
25:43You're telling me I was in there with him.
25:45And, uh, I could tell it was very cool.
25:49Let's just say my balls are smaller than Grant Denny's.
25:53All right, Cashman, I'm ready for another.
25:56Uppus Nexotus.
25:57It's Rove, Wizard, McManus.
25:59Oh, God.
26:05Ah, Broomie, it's time to fly.
26:07Up.
26:10Come on, Broomie.
26:11We've got to save the day.
26:12The evil wizard, uh, i-board is coming to stop us.
26:18Let's go.
26:20Ah, ah.
26:21My scar's hurting.
26:23Ah.
26:23Like that.
26:24Ah.
26:25That must mean that...
26:28What was his name again?
26:29i-i-board or something like this?
26:31Ah, no.
26:32Here he comes.
26:37Well, well, well.
26:40If it isn't...
26:42Rove, Wizard, McManus.
26:44Evil Wizard, Voldy-board.
26:46No, evil...
26:47Evil Wizard, Eidi-board.
26:50I knew it was you.
26:51Oh, really?
26:52Well, what if I was to tell you?
26:55It was me that killed your parents, you dumb kid.
26:59No.
27:00Kill us.
27:02Villainous.
27:05Sparks come out of it.
27:07Cool effects.
27:08Oh, no.
27:09You got me.
27:11Rove, Wizard, McManus.
27:13Then I'll be back if there's a sequel.
27:21Flames.
27:22Yeah.
27:23That's what you get for being a dick.
27:26All a simple day in the life.
27:29For me, Rove, the Wizard, McManus.
27:31Although my parents are still dead.
27:34Womp womp.
27:39Very emotional.
27:41They are.
27:42There we go.
27:43To some of our younger viewers who are just tuning in,
27:46you might be surprised to find out that Rove actually used to be a really big deal.
27:56What was that about, Rove?
27:58It was magic.
28:00Yeah, I was watching it thinking it was about to magically become entertainment.
28:07There's no trick for that, as we well know, Tom.
28:09Were you, uh...
28:10Were you, Griffin, bored?
28:13Yeah, boy!
28:15Shut up, Malfoy.
28:18You know!
28:20Check out these Dumbledorks.
28:23I don't get it.
28:24Who gives a shit?
28:25I'm a regular Hufflepuff.
28:31Hey, Tom, you can just probably go straight to the points.
28:37Who have we got next, Cashboy?
28:41I think she might actually have rabies and has found a way to work it into the show.
28:46It's Celia Danger-Pakola.
29:00Oh!
29:01Oh!
29:0210!
29:05I see you really ran with the rabies idea.
29:06Yeah, a little bit not just that this is a pot filled with boiling water with a handle sticking out
29:11It's incredibly dangerous, and this is an open flame time. Oh, no, and and scissors
29:16Oh, and I can't help but notice the yes, because I'm I have unprotected sex, and I'm a man, and
29:21I have a cactus penis
29:22Okay, but I'm also up there, and I'm also a woman who knows what she wants all very dangerous things
29:28I feel like I've nailed this brief. I will say good day to you sir. Good day
29:38Yeah
29:38Yeah
29:40So can you talk us through all the dangerous things you did because there was a lot there?
29:43There was a lot my first thought which was a swords, and I had rabies, and I had scissors, and
29:47I had my pin number and my home
29:49address
29:52You had more than that. What else do I have? Oh, yeah. These are things written on your suit. Yeah,
29:55I'm a man. Yeah
29:57I'm a bear. Yeah, I have a snake. I
30:00I have worms. I answer unknown numbers. My my password is easy to guess and my shoelaces are undone
30:07Oh, yeah
30:08Your shoelaces were not undone. Oh, were they not?
30:10All right. Well, I've got to give out some scores here, don't I? You do. Okay. Well, that's pretty easy
30:14one to Rove
30:17I'm gonna give two points to Joel because he started cool, and then he ended not cool
30:20I'm gonna give three points to Celia because it was still very dangerous. Okay, I'm gonna give four points to
30:24Anissa
30:25Of course, it was chock-full of Darren-ness, but I'm gonna give five points to Brett just because it
30:31was awesome and chaotic
30:34Loved it
30:37All right, we'll be back after the break whether you will is entirely up to your attention span. See you
30:42soon
30:53Welcome back to task master Australia. We've just got time for one last proper task
30:58So what have you got for me lesser Tom? It's our first location task of the series. So giddy up.
31:03We're off to the racetrack
31:20I
31:21Love these big walks. Hi Tom. Is this walk really necessary? Yes
31:32Can I help you? Yeah, there's a toss down there that I'd love for you to read
31:40Oh
31:41Kick the exercise ball to Tom
31:43Easy only chairs may halt a ball's motion if the ball rolls to the bottom you must remove a chair
31:50This is so hard fewest chairs
31:53Initially placed wins you have 10 minutes to place the chairs then 15 minutes to get the ball to the
32:00top your time starts now
32:02But I've just got to kick the ball to you. That's right
32:05What are the chairs got to do with anything if the ball comes to a standstill on a chair?
32:09Then you can go up to that spot and keep from there get what I mean?
32:12Not really and also the ball does off. You might want to go get the ball. Don't tell me what
32:17to do Tom
32:17Are you right-footed right-footed who's right-footed a right-handed what is right-footed? Oh dear
32:32Do you really not know what right-footed is?
32:35No
32:36What's right-footed?
32:37Which foot do you kick with?
32:39Which foot do you kick ball change with?
32:41Oh I kick ball change with my right foot
32:43I'm right-footed
32:44That's all you had to ask
32:45All right, who's up first?
32:46The chairman and the chairwoman of the us not being bored it's Rove and Celia
32:51All right, I'm going to change
32:53You can do some chat if you are. I'm just moving chairs
32:55What did you have for breakfast?
32:56I had a protein ball because I'm an athlete
32:59Well if I lay a chair flat it's got more space to take up
33:03What did you have for breakfast yesterday?
33:05Pizza because that's what legends eat
33:09I reckon it's going to stop better like that
33:11What about the breakfast the day before that?
33:13Meth. It just keeps getting progressively worse so don't keep going backwards
33:17I've gone double digits. I'm not happy with that
33:19Dare I ask what you had breakfast one day before that?
33:22A human child
33:23See, I told you not to ask Tom
33:25Oh my gosh, what am I doing?
33:27I'm a genius
33:28Yeah, okay
33:30No more chair placement the kicking may begin
33:32Oh
33:35Shut up
33:36That was pretty far
33:42Keep bouncing, keep bouncing
33:44Oh
33:50You shut up, no that's gone
33:53The ball has crossed the line at the bottom of the ramp
33:55Please remove one chair
33:56Okay
33:57At this point this is doing F all
33:59Alright
33:59How good was that bounce though?
34:01The people at home loved that
34:03Did you hear the reaction?
34:04No? Well, okay
34:07Too far
34:11Come on little chair
34:12Yes little chair
34:16You shut up
34:18Stop stop stop stop
34:21Tom
34:23Yeah
34:23Look at that
34:25Bit of support here
34:28Ha ha ha ha ha ha
34:30That was a foolish foolish call
34:34Wait for it wait for it wait for it
34:36Wait for it wait for it
34:36So I'm allowed to pick it up
34:38Yes
34:38Okay, I'm gonna pick up the ball now Tom
34:42Bounce over
34:43What?
34:47That was so close
34:49Again the crowd
34:50But you wouldn't know
34:50Because your imagination is limited
34:53Oh it's gonna be
34:54I don't know if I could just
34:55Okay, alright, alright
34:58Come on chair, you know what you're doing
35:12I put out way too many chairs Tom
35:14I just didn't believe in myself
35:16How good I was gonna be at that
35:17That's a shame
35:18Thanks Tom
35:21Careful of those chairs
35:22I mean we shouldn't
35:24We shouldn't just
35:24We shouldn't just be leaving those there
35:31Roe was that trip on purpose
35:33Or was it an accident?
35:35It was a comedy
35:36It was a comedy fall
35:37I was just worried about you
35:39Because it was so convincing
35:40When you fell over
35:41I was just genuinely concerned
35:42For your welfare
35:44Thank you Tom
35:45I appreciate that
35:46I was gonna laugh
35:47But then I didn't
35:47Because I was worried you were hurt
35:51Alright
35:52And so
35:52I must admit Roe
35:54I reckon the most impressive things
35:55Were seeing you miss
35:56By such a tiny amount
35:57Oh it was
35:58Quite painful
35:59At the other end
36:00Yes
36:00And then I don't know if you saw
36:01I swapped legs
36:02I went left
36:03I went right
36:03Didn't make a difference
36:05Are you right footed?
36:06Whatever that means
36:08I think my feet are bisexual
36:10So it's like
36:13Thought I recognised then
36:16Okay
36:16So Celia
36:17How do you feel you went?
36:18I loved that
36:18Yeah
36:19I loved it so much
36:20My only mistake was
36:20Not knowing how good I'd be at it
36:23That's the fault
36:24Like you're saying
36:24Like I should have believed in myself
36:25Put out too many chairs
36:26Well the hardest part
36:27Of your task
36:28Was just watching Cashman
36:29Try to keep up a conversation
36:31Because I feel like you were giving him
36:33A lot of fun offers
36:33And he was
36:34She's told me to do some chat
36:35I remember I asked you
36:36What you had for breakfast
36:37And you said tinned peaches
36:38And I said
36:39Are you in the war?
36:42I had tinned peaches at the hotel
36:45I didn't have my own tinned
36:46I didn't ask where the war happened
36:50Anyway
36:50So yes that was the conversation
36:52Thank you
36:52It was difficult working with you
36:55Alright
36:55So
36:56Let's look at the stats
36:58Well ultimately
36:58It's a game of faith in yourself
37:00Right
37:00So the fewer chairs
37:01More faith you have
37:02Celia had 19 chairs worth of faith
37:04Yep
37:04Rove had a whopping 10 chairs
37:06Of faith in himself
37:07That's a lot of faith
37:08Alright who's battling the ramp next?
37:10The next contestants
37:11Inclined to incline
37:12Are Anissa and Brett
37:13Oh
37:14This is the logical thing
37:16Yeah put them in a line
37:22Why can't this form
37:24Kick it to you in one go?
37:25If you can you can
37:26What if I kick it so far
37:28It doesn't come back
37:29Then the task is done
37:30That's correct
37:31Oh that's too easy
37:32Let's win this
37:34I'm raw doggin' it dude
37:36You're locking in zero chairs?
37:38Yeah
37:40Bro
37:41Why is this ramp so rampy?
37:44No no no no no no no no no
37:48This is either the best
37:49Or the worst idea I've ever had
37:55It's gonna be the worst idea I've ever had
37:57Mother
37:58Michael Johnny
37:59Rest in peace
38:01He's not dead
38:02Rest in peace
38:04Kobe
38:04Wow
38:05Ah
38:07Wah
38:07Bah
38:08Bah
38:10Dude
38:12You are now chalice
38:14Johnny Wilkinson
38:20Oh
38:21Ah
38:22Ah
38:24Ah
38:26Ah
38:26Ah
38:28Ah
38:29This is a disgustingly steep ramp
38:33Oh
38:33Ah
38:33Ah
38:34Ah
38:41I love you so much
38:43Go go go
38:45Go go go
38:45Go
38:46Yes
38:47Yes
38:49Yes
38:50Yes
38:50Yes
38:52How much time I've got?
38:54Seven seconds left
38:55Michelle Obama
38:56Ah
38:57Ah
38:58Ah
38:59Ah
39:05I'm gonna report this ramp
39:07To the ramp authorities
39:09Dude that was sick
39:10Sometimes he's gonna bleed himself
39:12Well done
39:12Hell yeah
39:20So Anissa you were yelling out various names
39:23What was the thinking behind that?
39:25Rest in peace Michael Jordan
39:28Is he still here?
39:29He's alive and well
39:30Yeah
39:31You'll never believe it
39:33He plays rugby league for Queensland
39:37Anissa you were yelling famous black people as you kicked
39:40Usain Bolt
39:41Serena Williams
39:41Kamal Harris
39:42And Nick Kyrgios
39:46I claim him
39:47I claim Nick Kyrgios
39:48He's close enough
39:49RIP
39:52Alright now
39:53Brett
39:53Amazing tactic
39:55No chairs
39:56No chairs
39:57No chairs
39:58Just back yourself
39:59That's right
39:59I've never even seen this TV show
40:01And I'm f***ing dominating
40:06Who would have thought
40:07The guy with the truck licence would beat the three theatre dorks?
40:12Who would have thought the straight white guy would have so much confidence?
40:17And the fact that you're winning makes it even worse
40:19Yeah it's really
40:20It really stinks
40:21Sucked in
40:24So should we look at the scores there?
40:26Well Anissa had 34 kicks
40:28Brett only used 7 kicks
40:30And is leading with
40:31Zero chairs placed
40:36Okay
40:37We've just got one comedian to go in the Swiss ball kicking gauntlet
40:41But first it's time for a break
40:43Come back soon to find out who's won Grant Denyer's balls and a stale potato chip
41:00Welcome back to the only show on television brave enough to ask the question
41:03Would sports be more entertaining if they were done by people with no sporting ability?
41:09Where were we Lester Tom?
41:10Our contestants are kicking a ball up a ramp with nothing to help them but chairs
41:13Fewest chairs placed wins
41:15Up last
41:16It's a man so deeply in love with his feet he couldn't possibly choose between them
41:19It's Joel Creasy
41:22Fucking setting up for an event
41:26Start here
41:27Careful of that you wouldn't want the ball to get away
41:39I reckon I can kick it from there but I've got them as backups
41:42Okay
41:52What are you doing?
41:53Looking for the ball
41:58Oh
41:59Is this some
42:01What?
42:03Where did it go?
42:05Where did the ball go?
42:06I don't know
42:07I saw it go down there
42:09That's all I saw
42:10You've done something
42:11I didn't do anything
42:12You did
42:13It was right here
42:14Your kicking time has begun
42:15This is so dumb Tom
42:17Where's the ball?
42:18I don't know
42:18Tom
42:19I told you to make sure it didn't blow away
42:21Where is it?
42:25It can't have gone that far
42:28I've misread something like
42:29There's a little trick
42:30I don't think wind is a trick
42:32It's just a reality of life
42:34But it's not here
42:34Then why are you here?
42:36If it's down here I'll be so furious
42:44Not here
42:52Tom this is so lame
42:54There's not even any other balls here
42:55Can I kick you in the balls?
42:57No thank you
42:58This is so stupid Tom
42:59Someone's taking the ball
43:01I'm sorry
43:10How long do I have?
43:11You've got 48 seconds left of kicking time
43:13I'm being gasoline
43:14I'm being completely gasoline
43:16I'm not going to pretend that there's not cameras here
43:18Everyone is silent
43:18Someone's taking the ball
43:20They have
43:21I forgot what colour it was
43:2425 seconds left
43:25Where's the ball?
43:26It's not here
43:28Is it like right here and I'm actually having a brain bleed and need to be in hospital
43:3110 seconds left
43:32This is ridiculous
43:33It's not here
43:36Thanks Joel
43:38That was the worst
43:42And I had such a good sister
43:52Now we know that you're not right footed or left footed you neither
43:57I was lost months of sleep wondering where that ball went
44:02Lesser Tom even said it went that way
44:05And you went
44:05No it didn't
44:06You walked the other way
44:07I searched that way
44:07I searched that entire race thing
44:11That place
44:12That awful place
44:14Didn't even get a chance to kick
44:15With my right foot or whatever footed I am
44:18You kept accusing me of taking it
44:20But you could see me the whole time
44:21Someone went
44:22Someone blew it away
44:24Just to wind me up
44:25And you got me
44:27I looked up the wind speed on each day
44:30I had the windiest day
44:31No you didn't
44:31Brett did
44:32Oh
44:34Mine went around the corner
44:35But I just looked
44:36And it was there
44:38Mine was having a schooner up the bar
44:40I couldn't find it anywhere
44:41Joel would you like to know how many kicks you attempted
44:43No
44:44I can at least work that out myself
44:48Alright well let's go through the scores then
44:50Joel's obviously disqualified
44:51Correct
44:52As is Anissa
44:53That means three points to Celia
44:55Four points to Roe
44:56And Brett wins the task with five points
45:01Alright and what are the scores for the episode so far?
45:03Roe is in last place with six points
45:05But Brett's out in front with 18 points
45:09Alright you lot please head up to the stage for the first studio task of the season
45:18Who's going to read out the task tonight?
45:21Celia
45:24Pose for a photo at the median height with the median amount of naughtiness
45:30Your photos will be compared and the contestant at the median height in their photo will win the height category
45:37Tallest and shortest contestants will come second and the other two contestants will come third
45:43Same scoring applies to naughtiness
45:46Brett are you okay? Did he just faint?
45:50No I punched a wall out and I've left
45:53Best overall performance in the two categories wins
45:55Your photos will be taken in exactly 75 seconds
45:58So the middle of each category will win
46:01The tallest and shortest come second and then the other two come third
46:05Okay your 75 seconds starts now
46:15Why would you say that?
46:16Why would you say that?
46:3130 seconds
46:33Yeah
46:43I haven't slain
46:54OK, it's time for one last break.
46:56Hey, during the break, why don't you swap over each other's phones and have a look at
47:00the photos, see who's got the naughtiest photos.
47:02You'll enjoy it.
47:03See you soon.
47:14Hello, welcome back to the season premiere of Taskmaster.
47:18We're in the final stretch of our live task and just need some rankings.
47:22Sir Tom?
47:23That's right.
47:23Our contestants tried to take photos of median height and median naughtiness.
47:27Let's analyse the height first.
47:29Yeah.
47:39Did I win this then?
47:41Yeah, that's right.
47:42Celia was the median height, so you win the height category.
47:46Anissa and Brett were tallest and shortest respectively, so they come in second in the height category
47:50and Joel and Rove were the other ones.
47:52Alright, so we have to rank some naughtiness there.
47:54Yes, it's time to analyse naughtiness.
47:55Okay, well, I'm tempted to say that Anissa and Brett are the same because they kind of
47:59dress the same, but they're doing something very different.
48:02What's naughty about what you're doing there, Anissa?
48:04Do you want me to...
48:08And I must say, I was so worried, but then I saw Rove and I'm like, I'm good.
48:16What about Brett?
48:17Well, I was using the stick thing as an erect penis, but then I remembered that it was medium,
48:24so then I folded the fake penis in half, so it's a medium dick.
48:28Okay.
48:29And then I got bored in the task and forgot they were taking a photo.
48:33Just looking at Celia, were you actually naked?
48:36It looks like I'm having an emergency in the shower.
48:40Right, but is that naughty or natural?
48:44Depends.
48:45In a supermarket.
48:48Rove committed to his look very early on in the task, I felt.
48:54We had the pleasure of seeing you did a few minor variations.
48:57First of all, it was nipple.
48:58I did.
48:58I workshopped through it.
48:59It was a process, wasn't it?
49:00I went full of Brett Blake and just felt it.
49:02Okay, and then we've got Joel.
49:06Joel, you just look like you're on the toilet and you dropped your newspaper.
49:09Yeah.
49:10I was being very naughty and wasn't in time for the camera, was I?
49:14Oh, naughty, naughty.
49:19Joel is last because he didn't look too offensive to me.
49:23I find nudity to be natural, not that naughty, so second last is Celia.
49:27I'm going to say Brett was quite naughty and Nisa was a little bit naughtier.
49:32The naughtiest was watching Romanus.
49:35Do a rude thing or throw a zipper?
49:36Yeah.
49:37Okay, so putting together medium height and medium naughtiness, what do we have?
49:41We've got three contestants in third place.
49:43Tired, Nisa, Joel and Rove.
49:45Celia is in second place with four points, but Brett wins the task with five points.
49:52So, who has won the first episode?
49:55Ooh!
50:00Where this seems to be leading is whether you just put a pirate hat on and sit on a box,
50:07or jump over a fire.
50:11Rove, you're in last place.
50:13Oh, what?
50:18Rove's right, Brett's way out in front with 23 points and is the winner of the first episode.
50:24Congratulations to Brett.
50:26Head up to the stage to collect your prize task things.
50:32Well, there we go.
50:34What have we learnt?
50:35Three of them learnt eggs might cost a bit, but touching them will cost you dearly.
50:40Brett took a lesson from the great El Farber and defied gravity.
50:45Oh!
50:46Nice.
50:47Nice.
50:48And while Joel forgot what his blue ball looked like, we'll never unlearn the sight of Grant
50:54Daniels.
50:56Give it up once more for our episode winner, Brett.
50:59Goodnight!
50:59Woo!
51:18Now the real fun begins.
51:20Oh!
51:21Five of the brightest...
51:22I don't get it!
51:23...most physically gifted comedians in Australia...
51:26Oh!
51:26All of whom have perfect hand-eye coordination...
51:30Oh!
51:31...will compete to win a prize...
51:33Huzzah!
51:34...by impressing me.
51:35Damn it!
51:36Hail Tom!
51:37Aren't you the taskmaster?
51:38Oh, you...
51:41You're not the taskmaster.
51:45Brett, just to confirm, I am the taskmaster!
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