- 4 days ago
Us & Them (2014) Season 1 Episode 6
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:05Dr. Carlos Flamingo.
00:08Si.
00:10Señor.
00:12Here's what's gonna happen. You are gonna fill this bag with poop.
00:18And then, you're going to spend the night with us.
00:23Where is she?
00:34I like hard alcohol and dangerous men.
00:39I miss you so much.
00:44Yeah!
00:47Yeah!
00:48Woo!
00:49Yeah!
00:58You only have cereal and sugar packets. What happens if you actually want to eat something?
01:02We order in or we eat super sweet cereal.
01:07Do you have any idea how close I just came to dying?
01:10Well, I feel like you're always kind of close. You gotta start chewing before you swallow.
01:13I just stepped on this lady blade in the shower. What the hell, man? Stacey's crap is all over this
01:18apartment like Gypsy Maw's on a Gypsy.
01:21Look at this hair. It's long. It's soft. Smells like nectarines. Definitely not mine. Not yours. Your hair's short and
01:28smells like hot cinnamon.
01:29I am right here. If you have something to say to me, you can say it to my face.
01:32Okay. Hair. Bobby pins. Flat iron. Scrunchie.
01:37You are encroaching on my territory.
01:38All I hear is blah, blah, blah. Somebody wants to get beat up by a girl.
01:42Aw, you think you're gonna be the first girl to beat me up? Get in line, sister.
01:45Hey, okay, okay. How about we just split some horseshoes three ways and make nice?
01:50Okay, uh, why don't we paint the walls pink and have a cupcake party?
01:53Have fun loving each other. I'm gonna go to my room and love myself.
01:57Archie!
02:02Oh, Marmaduke, you are a bad, bad dog.
02:06I'll get it!
02:07You brought me those snowshoes I ordered.
02:12Trick or treat.
02:14Oh, no!
02:17Shh!
02:18You!
02:21Get off of him!
02:24He has ceramic screws in his neck!
02:26Hey, Dad.
02:28Get off of him!
02:39Listen to the Smiths.
02:41Diving in deep to the very core of myself.
02:44She's getting to the sad part.
02:46Did she calm down yet?
02:47Did you see the length of that hair, man?
02:49It's like you're dating a thoroughbred and she's trying to turn our apartment into a horse house.
02:53You mean a barn?
02:54We've always been the two musketeers.
02:55How the hell are we suddenly just gonna have three of them?
02:57Hey, it's still just you and me, dude.
02:59Yeah, it's all good.
03:01It's just suddenly you have two toothbrushes and I'm flossed alone.
03:05Who'd have thought that you would have found love before me?
03:07Probably everyone.
03:12Hey, Nessa, what's up?
03:14What kind of knife is best for cutting through bone?
03:17My dad's back.
03:18I didn't even know he was allowed to be in the country.
03:20Should I come home?
03:22Nah.
03:23I'll call you if I start feeling too stabby.
03:25What's up with you?
03:27I might want one of those knives.
03:28Archie is all up in my grill.
03:30Ugh.
03:31He's just gristle and eyebrows.
03:33But you're stuck with him.
03:34You guys are their best friends.
03:36That's a deep bond.
03:37Like babies and nipples.
03:38I've never loved anyone.
03:40I mean, I like, like, Lucy, but that never went anywhere.
03:44Mostly because her dad was always around.
03:46Right, because she's 18 years old.
03:49Look, I know what you need.
03:51Two words.
03:52Banana split.
03:54Road trip.
03:55Road trip.
03:56Road trip.
03:56That's a good idea.
03:57We're going.
03:58All right.
03:58And I know exactly where we're going, too.
04:01College.
04:03Yep.
04:04All right, let's do it.
04:05All right.
04:06Whoa.
04:07Bring it in.
04:08Chest to chest.
04:09Come on.
04:12Archie is sure acting like a baby.
04:14Can you blame him?
04:15He looks like little orphan Annie gone horribly wrong.
04:18And his best friend's an all-American who's in love with Miss Perky turkeys.
04:21It's a miracle he hasn't ice-picked you in your sleep.
04:23Woo!
04:24I gotta go.
04:25Let me know what happens with Ed.
04:26Bitches and money.
04:28Oh, now he's in a good mood?
04:29What happened?
04:30Road trip.
04:31That's what happened.
04:32So suck a duck and good luck.
04:34Come on, Stace.
04:34We're all going for a drive.
04:36She's coming?
04:37Yeah, of course.
04:39Road trips are for guys, man.
04:40Have you not seen the movie Road Trip?
04:42Yeah.
04:42I saw it on a road trip.
04:43Archie, shut the mouth.
04:44Stacy, you're coming.
04:46Fine.
04:47Fine.
04:49Shotgun.
04:50Damn it!
04:50Are you seeing this?
04:52I'm not giving you a kidney or lending you any money.
04:55Why are you here?
04:56I don't need money.
04:57I make and distribute my own line of plum brandy.
05:00So thanks, I'm doing just fine.
05:01Yeah, no one's impressed.
05:03In Eastern Europe, men worship me like a god, and women clean me like a cat.
05:07And in one town where they pray to a cat god, let's just say I'm extremely popular.
05:12What do you want?
05:12I'm just here to get the car I left.
05:15Your precious car.
05:16Should have guessed.
05:17And you didn't leave it.
05:18You abandoned it.
05:19Just like your daughter.
05:21You've got some pair of marbles, mister.
05:24Actually, Gwen, he just has the one.
05:26Does the work of three, though.
05:29Now, about my car.
05:32Fix it, take it, and beat it.
05:35Please, Ed.
05:36It's fried chicken night.
05:37We don't want any more ruckus.
05:39Sorry I crushed your larynx, but you don't rush a bull wearing red pajamas.
05:44Yeah.
05:44Well, joke's on you, cause my neck is covered in poison ivy, so who's laughing now?
05:56Hey.
05:57Hey, hey, hey.
05:58How about that canned ham?
05:59I can see Gwen liking a sweet bit of meat like that.
06:05Hey, buddy.
06:07You missed some.
06:08Excuse me?
06:09There's a remnant.
06:10You can't be bothered to do a double grab?
06:13What are you, the turd police?
06:14No.
06:15That's as clean as it's gonna be.
06:18It's probably better than a lot of people do on themselves.
06:21Okay.
06:21Come on, Angela.
06:22Forget him.
06:23He's out.
06:24No kidding.
06:25We gotta find somebody for Gwen.
06:26She hasn't been on a date since her husband died.
06:29Gotta get her back in the rink before our ice melts.
06:31Yeah.
06:32Hey.
06:33Uh, we're gonna take the car for a few hours, Dad.
06:36Road trip to school.
06:37Nice.
06:37Going back to the old college, huh?
06:39Nope.
06:40We're going to Lucy's college.
06:42Who?
06:42Wait, what?
06:43I'm gonna go find Lucy and tell her how I really feel.
06:45Uh, I don't think that's...
06:46Road trip!
06:47Woo!
06:48No, no, no. Hang on a second.
06:52Gotta say, this is a pretty dumb idea.
06:54I don't know.
06:55Even though I was just about to punch him in the throat, I think it's sorta cute.
06:58Don't encourage him.
06:59Listen, you need to find someone new, preferably someone who doesn't wear braces.
07:03It's a retainer, okay?
07:04And you be quiet.
07:05You?
07:06Keep talking.
07:07Well, you're being romantic in your own weird, furry way.
07:10I used to think you were just pretty, but now I can see the brains behind the blues.
07:15I hope you have a lot of video memory in your phone, because this is going to be a beautiful
07:19disaster.
07:20You should probably shoot it in sepia to make it feel old fashioned.
07:23You don't know that.
07:25I'm just trying to be friends with him.
07:26I feel like Archie doesn't like me.
07:28Well then, buy him a puppy.
07:29I mean, don't buy him a puppy, but this is ending nowhere but jail or the morgue.
07:33And possibly the jail morgue.
07:34It's gonna be fine.
07:35I have a good feeling.
07:37Hey, nice signs.
07:37What are you guys doing?
07:38We are protesting the massive carbon footprint left by the fashion industry.
07:44Your clothes are literally killing the planet.
07:46Huh.
07:47I wasn't aware.
07:48Thanks.
07:49Good luck.
07:49Pants are murder!
07:52Pants are murder!
07:53Pants are murder!
07:54Pants are murder!
07:54Um, Archie, what's up?
07:55I started asking about Lucy, but no one would talk to me, because apparently I'm a shirt
07:59Nazi.
07:59So I'm blending in.
08:01I'm gonna stick with my initial assessment.
08:02This is idiotic.
08:03Oh yeah?
08:04Then how do I know Lucy's at the day tripper party at Sigma Theta Zeta?
08:07Yeah.
08:08Let's go.
08:09Hey, keep fighting the good fight, guys!
08:11Pants are murder!
08:13I don't know what my dad thinks he's doing to that car.
08:16It's not even a metric socket wrench.
08:18I don't trust him as far as he can throw me.
08:21Well, that's a bad example, because he's strong as an ox.
08:23He could probably throw me to Harrisburg, but I don't trust him.
08:28Hello?
08:29Hi, it's Pam.
08:29How much bald can you handle?
08:31All the bald you got.
08:33I can work with that.
08:34Thanks, Pam.
08:36You're a wonderful friend and the best pimp ever.
08:39See you later.
08:39Bye.
08:43He's up to something.
08:44I can't calculate the number of times he's conned me.
08:47Mostly because he conned me out of my calculator.
08:49Ugh.
08:50This is ridiculous.
08:54Hey.
08:56What the hell is taking so long?
08:58Fix up this pile of junk and get out of here.
09:00Show some respect for the sight of your conception.
09:02Oh, God.
09:03You and Mom did it in this thing?
09:04Not exactly.
09:06She liked to get freaky on the hood.
09:08Oh.
09:08Whitesnake style.
09:10Classy.
09:10Look, all I need is a muffler and I'm a ghost.
09:13I noticed one of your neighbors had a similar ride.
09:16Introduce me.
09:17Maybe they can tell me where to buy one.
09:18Whatever gets you gone faster.
09:23Why don't you ask her where she gets her out of parts?
09:25I'm gonna run and take a whiz.
09:30Hi.
09:31Can I help you?
09:32Yeah.
09:33My father was wondering where.
09:35Son of a bitch.
09:36Excuse me?
09:37I'm sorry.
09:38Uh, I have seasonal Tourette's.
09:41Can I have a glass of water to take my pills?
09:43Of course.
09:44Sneaky rat turd.
09:46What?
09:47I'm so sorry.
09:48Always happens this time of year.
09:49Can I get that water, please?
09:52Sure.
09:54Hey.
09:55Hey.
09:55How's it going with your dad?
09:57Oh, same old.
09:58Helping him rob someone.
10:00Douche nugget!
10:01Smart ball!
10:02He's got you doing the Tourette scam again, huh?
10:04Yeah, he's a piece of crap, but sometimes you get used to the smell.
10:06All good with you?
10:07Yeah, things have shifted.
10:09Now I'm helping Archie find love.
10:11Gavin's trying to snap him out of it.
10:12It's like we're parents and we can't agree on how to raise our kid.
10:15I say spank him hard and hug him harder.
10:18Then again, what the heck do I know about parents?
10:24Here.
10:26It's not Bucket.
10:28Dude, I love college.
10:30Are you sure you don't want to go to A-City?
10:32Blackjack, free buffets, all the gravy you can drink.
10:35Monoromantic quests, bro.
10:37Embrace that.
10:38I can't believe I'm saying this, but why can't you be more like Stacy?
10:42Is this the same Stacy with the flat iron that you were about to fist fight an hour ago?
10:45She's starting to win me over with her upbeat personality.
10:48Hold up.
10:49Lucy!
10:50Damn.
10:51That's a dude.
10:52That's good looking, dude.
10:53But a dude nonetheless.
10:57Too pale.
10:59Unreasonably pale.
11:01Look, could have been an ugly woman once.
11:04Oh, check this out. Capri pants? I don't think so.
11:08You know, maybe we're being too picky.
11:10But when I try to picture her ideal man, all I come up with is Bill Clinton in overalls.
11:15Text her some photos.
11:17Let her decide.
11:17Maybe she likes them weird.
11:19Oh.
11:20New York certainly is a melting pot.
11:23All these men look like international war criminals.
11:26Hey, I have the same Capri pants.
11:30You have got to stop anger washing, Brian.
11:33You're gonna sponge a hole right through the tea kettle.
11:36Remember when Ed left town when Nessa was 12?
11:38That poor kid, she had to go through her first menstruation all alone.
11:41With only me to guide her.
11:43I still don't understand why you didn't just come get me.
11:45Well, you were busy with that jigsaw puzzle.
11:48I want to kick Ed's butt so bad, if only the Lord hadn't cursed me with the tiny hands
11:53and delicate wrists of an Elizabethan duchess.
11:59Admit it, that was a lot more fun than going to an auto supply store.
12:04Well, at least I got some water out of it.
12:07Nessa, go see Gwen.
12:09I apologize for using my outside voice as we are semi-inside,
12:13but Ed, it's time for man-to-man talk.
12:16When's the other man getting here?
12:19I'm the other man.
12:21Yeah, yeah.
12:23Ed, you cannot come back here and break Nessa's heart again.
12:26Now, you can beat me until I leak hot lava, but I won't allow it.
12:29Relax, I'm just here for the car.
12:33And to apologize.
12:34I accept your apology.
12:36To Nessa.
12:37At this moment of clarity in Bratislava, I realized that I'm a bad father.
12:42And that I shouldn't drink lighter fluid.
12:44I want to be a part of her life someday.
12:46Right now, I'm just here to say I'm sorry.
12:48I accept your apology.
12:50Well, well.
12:51Looks like our relationship has reversed.
12:54Now you're the one suffering.
12:57I've got everything.
12:59I guess so.
13:01I want to recalibrate this timing mechanism.
13:04If only I had a decent stopwatch.
13:06Oh, hey.
13:07Use this.
13:09It's my Swiss beauty.
13:14Kitty?
13:16Everyone here looks so young, they're never gonna let us in.
13:18Good.
13:19I mean, as much as I would like to show Stacy my keg stand technique,
13:21I think the best move right now would be to go get some pancakes.
13:24I got this.
13:25I've never been turned away from a party in my life.
13:28Can we get in?
13:29I plan on going topless.
13:31These guys hold my top.
13:40Very nice.
13:41Okay.
13:42I hereby offer temporary truce and our hostilities.
13:46Accepted.
13:46Now let's go look for Lucy.
13:48It's like we're in a fairy tale.
13:50By a little help, I've got 80 ounces of beer and you're trying to get out.
13:56It's been a while, but I don't remember Prince Charming peeing himself.
14:02All good.
14:03Figured it out.
14:05And they all lived happily ever after.
14:18Hey, what happened to your eyebrow?
14:20Never has to do with one eyebrow what happened to his eyebrow.
14:24You want to ride the pizza luge?
14:26Uh, yeah.
14:27I'm only a few, uh, seven-ish years out of college, so why not?
14:32Stace.
14:33Quit screwing her own.
14:34We're supposed to be looking for Lucy.
14:37Trust me, the best possible outcome, we never find her.
14:40Yo!
14:40I'm sorry.
14:41You know I'm right.
14:42Okay?
14:43We're on a road trip.
14:44At least we can have some fun.
14:45Lose me!
14:48Yeah!
14:50Nice, guys.
14:54Whoa, I didn't know they could improve on pizza or beer.
14:57Yeah!
14:58Let's go, Stace.
14:59Wait, come on.
15:00Hold on a minute.
15:01Why is this so hard?
15:02We're in New York.
15:03Where are all the attractive men?
15:05They're all gay.
15:06Married or gay married.
15:08Let's face it, poop guy is the best we're gonna do.
15:11Yep.
15:12Hey!
15:12Please, don't start.
15:14You put tremendous stress on my dog and she feels it seven times more than us.
15:18No, we just wanna talk to you.
15:20Look, it's not my fault.
15:22She got into the dumpster behind the burrito place.
15:28That car's purring like a groupie on quaaludes.
15:31Congrats.
15:32Now drive it back to the underworld so we can use the garage the way it was intended.
15:36For hoarding.
15:38Wanna take a first spin?
15:41Nah.
15:42It's fried chicken night.
15:43Gwen will eat all the skin if I'm late.
15:46True.
15:50Take a drive with him, Nessa.
15:52We can wild out on wings another time.
15:54But I already ironed the bibs.
15:55You sure?
15:56Yeah.
15:57Go.
16:04Why would you send her off with him?
16:06He's wicked.
16:07He's trying to make things right, Gwen.
16:09We're just gonna have to learn to share.
16:10Okay.
16:12But if she's not back in 30 minutes, I'm calling the neighborhood watch.
16:15I hope Doris is still awake.
16:17Fine.
16:1730 minutes.
16:18Oh!
16:19Fine, Chickles.
16:19He swiped my Swiss beauty.
16:21Excuse me.
16:22Have you seen Lucy Cash?
16:23Yeah.
16:24She's here.
16:26She's hot.
16:27Great.
16:28Thanks.
16:46Hey, guys.
16:46Just quickly.
16:47One more.
16:47One more time.
16:49Woo!
16:54That's her.
16:55The blonde one?
16:55That's my Lucy.
16:57Grinding like an angel.
16:58Great.
16:59There she is.
17:00So let's get out of here.
17:02Oh.
17:02I'm gonna make my move, man.
17:04I'm going for it.
17:05This is gonna be my future baby's origin story.
17:07Arch?
17:08Stop.
17:09Stop.
17:09Look at me.
17:09Look at me in the eye.
17:10Okay?
17:10I'm gonna make my move, man.
17:10This has been mildly amusing until now, but this is the moment when you wake up.
17:14You can still get out of here with a shred of dignity.
17:16Why are you trying to talk him out of it?
17:17Just tell her how you feel.
17:20Feelings win.
17:21Ah.
17:22Why are you smothering?
17:23I'm not.
17:24You only see him on the weekends for the fun stuff.
17:26I get him the rest of the time for the chores.
17:28Give me a break.
17:29This is gonna be the best moment in Archie's life.
17:33Check.
17:33Check.
17:35Lucy.
17:36Archie?
17:37Came for you, girl.
17:39What?
17:40Why?
17:41Oh, God.
17:41I hope you're not doing some kind of lame Katherine Heigl movie thing, because that would be
17:45really embarrassing.
17:50I'm way too young for you.
17:52You have crazy hair, and you live in your friend's parents' basement.
17:56I was wrong.
17:56This is gonna be the worst moment in Archie's life.
17:59Mm-hmm.
18:00So...
18:00What?
18:01You're gonna tell me you love me?
18:04Um, actually, no.
18:05I made Archie come here because he has some important news to tell you.
18:10Uh...
18:10No, I don't.
18:11I don't have any news.
18:12It definitely does.
18:13Oh, come on.
18:13Don't be shy.
18:14You came a long way to tell her this.
18:16Archie...
18:17Well, technically, Archie and you, Lucy, both have herpes.
18:21Oh.
18:22Yeah.
18:23And it's super contagious.
18:25So...
18:25So true.
18:27Um, Archie, he's extremely sexy.
18:30And I can't help banging him myself, so don't even worry about it.
18:33Also, he is enormous in the underpants department.
18:37Ladies.
18:37So, enjoy.
18:39Yes.
18:40To sum up, Lucy Cash is riddled with herpes and Archie has a big one.
18:44Peace.
18:50Just so you know, the herpes thing is totally a lie.
18:54Underpants, that's really true.
18:57Adore me.
19:06Hey, Dr. Flamingo.
19:09Nessa, I owe you an apology.
19:11Just one?
19:12Let me say this.
19:14I know I haven't been the best father.
19:16I've been...
19:16The worst father?
19:17Look, I'm really sorry about being so bad at being a dad.
19:20You deserve more.
19:24I'm over it.
19:26If you hadn't been such a jackhole, I wouldn't have turned out to be such a badass.
19:31So, you accept my apology?
19:35Sure.
19:40Now, get out.
19:41What?
19:42You can have my forgiveness, but I'm keeping your precious car.
19:45You said I deserve more, so I'm taking it.
19:49Get out.
19:56You really are a badass, aren't you?
19:59If you're still alive at Christmas, send me something silk.
20:09Do you sell lighter fluid?
20:11Hmm.
20:13Crispiest skin ever, Gwen.
20:15I don't know.
20:16My tears are making it soggy and salty.
20:21Nessie!
20:22Hey!
20:22Gwen?
20:23Brian?
20:23Sorry I'm late.
20:24Let's eat.
20:28You might want to bleach the band.
20:30Look at that.
20:31My Swiss beauty.
20:33And...
20:34my Pennsylvania beauty.
20:37Skin me, Bri.
20:39Set me up with that sweet, sweet chicken butt.
20:42Absolutely.
20:42The flavor's all in the hiney.
20:45Yes it is, Gwen.
20:47Sure is.
20:49Stacy, you really showed me something back there.
20:51I'm officially extending our temporary truce into a semi-permanent piece.
20:56Thanks.
20:57I'm semi-honored.
20:58How'd it go with Lucy?
21:00Total disaster.
21:02Lucy's out.
21:02Perfect.
21:03I mean...
21:04Finally.
21:04Nope.
21:05I mean...
21:06Aw.
21:06That's too bad.
21:08Quality road trip, guys.
21:11Bring it in.
21:12Chest to chest.
21:14To chest.
21:19Okay.
21:20Let's not let it linger.
21:21Things are bumping.
Comments