- 4 days ago
Us & Them (2014) Season 1 Episode 4
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TVTranscript
00:02Oh, well, that's not for you.
00:03That's not for you.
00:04That's not for you.
00:05That's not for you!
00:08My depth perception's all out of whack!
00:20Excuse me, officer.
00:21I need to make a call.
00:22Now the heart stays.
00:23Give him a second.
00:30I know you're in here.
00:32I can smell you.
00:39Are you sure about this?
00:41I never want to see anything again.
01:00So what are you guys doing tonight?
01:02Uh, hang on a second, Stace.
01:04Out of my room!
01:05Take that off.
01:05You're not wearing my clothes.
01:07Your body is like a raw piece of chicken.
01:08Oh, welcome to the wonderful world of salmonella.
01:12Sorry, every time Archie borrows my clothes,
01:14buttons get loose and everything smells like bratwurst and body spray.
01:17What were you saying?
01:18Oh, I was just wondering what you're doing on our first weekend apart
01:21since we started hanging out.
01:23Oh, well, Archie and I are making yet another epic New York food trek.
01:27He heard about this place that supposedly has the world's best soup dumplings.
01:31Zalongbao!
01:32What?
01:32And then we're going to some lounge for an avant-garde burlesque show.
01:36It's like Hooters for sophisticated people.
01:38It's like Hooters for sophisticated people.
01:40Woo, that's...
01:41That sounds fun.
01:43What are you guys doing in the country?
01:44Well, they found a baby skeleton in the quarry
01:46so we can't go night swimming anymore.
01:48Stop exaggerating.
01:49It wasn't a baby.
01:50It was a tiny horse.
01:51I heard it was a 45-year-old with that Benjamin Button disease.
01:54Sorry for exaggerating.
01:56It was a mythical quarry creature that aged backwards.
01:59Anyway, I'm stuck in Dullsburg with nothing to do.
02:02Just here to fix the AC.
02:03About time.
02:04What?
02:05I was just...
02:06Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
02:07Dude, that's my deodorant!
02:09It's like our underarms are kissing!
02:10Isn't that a toothbrush?
02:11What?
02:12Sorry, Stace, can we talk later?
02:13Everything is getting super annoying.
02:16Uh, yeah.
02:17Sure.
02:18Later or tomorrow, I guess.
02:21Hi, honey.
02:21Well, have fun at your hipster strip club
02:24and, uh, maybe you'll meet the woman of your dreams.
02:27Yeah, no.
02:28Well, fingers crossed.
02:30Yeah.
02:33So, talk to you later.
02:35I was...
02:36Okay.
02:40That was not a quality hang-up.
02:43Felt unfinished.
02:44Like when you were little and you'd make boom-boom
02:46and then you'd get in the car and realize
02:48there was still a little bit left.
02:50Don't sweat it, Gav.
02:52Long distance relationships can be tricky.
02:54Like trying to avoid eye contact with the homeless.
02:56Okay, stop.
02:58This is our night.
02:59It's not the time to get neurotic about your girlfriend.
03:01Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend.
03:03I mean, I hope she is, but, I don't know,
03:04it's early still and I...
03:07You needed that.
03:08He needed that.
03:10Focus.
03:11Tonight's mission, eat soup dumplings,
03:14sea chest dumplings.
03:15Double dumplings.
03:16Are you with me or against me?
03:18I'm with you.
03:19Gonna kill it tonight.
03:20Gonna kill it tonight.
03:22Gonna kill it, kill it, kill it, kill it, kill it tonight.
03:24I hope murder's not illegal because we'll kill it tonight.
03:26Gonna kill it, kill it, kill it, kill it tonight.
03:29Gonna kill it.
03:29It's a miracle either of those boys ever gets late.
03:33Great.
03:34Gavin is out in the city
03:36and I am totally bored in rural America.
03:38You know, I think of Dillsburg as pre-urban but post-rural.
03:42Kind of like a dead body that's about to go full zombie.
03:45I'm not even gonna see him again until next weekend.
03:47That's 14 days apart.
03:49He's probably gonna forget what I look like.
03:51Don't be silly.
03:52You have the kind of blue eyes that haunt sailors in the afterlife.
03:56You'll remember.
03:59Okay, you are sighing like a soccer mom at a Ryan Gosling movie.
04:02You need to buck up.
04:03It's time for a ladies' night.
04:04Like back in the day, high school style.
04:06A little of this, a little of this.
04:10Ooh, nice.
04:11You girls are gonna blow up balloons and eat ice cream?
04:14Well, you're right about the ice cream part.
04:16And to cap off the night, little trucker's delight.
04:19Finished!
04:21We are 100% ready to kill those raccoons that have been bothering you.
04:25Yay!
04:26I've got a perfect place in the backyard to burn the bodies.
04:29Okay, going out sounds good.
04:32Do you have any balloons?
04:34No.
04:34But I got a contact at the party store.
04:36Don't tell me you're talking to Dave Coaches again.
04:39That guy puts the P in creepy.
04:41Do you want to get judgmental or do you want to get high?
04:44I want to kill it tonight.
04:46I want to kill it tonight.
04:47I want to kill it tonight.
04:58I want to kill it.
05:01But I got a feeling these dumplings are going to shake up the world.
05:04So hop in the toddler's seat.
05:06Daddy's driving.
05:07Hey, have a good one.
05:09Everything okay, man?
05:10You seem to have, you having trouble walking?
05:12Shut up, dude.
05:13Dave Coaches came through with an address to get the stuff.
05:16We just need to tell him we're friends with the Big Magoo.
05:19That was his stripper name when he was back in Tampa.
05:22Did not know he was a Floridian.
05:24Shall we?
05:25Yeah.
05:28What an ass.
05:30Oh, my God.
05:32You meant literally.
05:33Wow.
05:33That is not an easy angle to get.
05:35Oh, he's got those long arms.
05:38All right, guys, we're heading out.
05:40Good luck with the raccoons.
05:41Thanks, pumpkin.
05:43We're going to need it.
05:44The raccoons have sonar.
05:45I think you mean bats.
05:47I do mean bats.
05:49You know, I think I'm going to text Gavin.
05:51Clear things up after that phone call.
05:53The picture's worth a thousand words.
05:55You want to forward Dave's?
05:56Do not touch me with that thing.
06:01Dear Gavin, you smell pretty.
06:04I want you to pour your love gas in my baby machine.
06:06Shut up.
06:07Ah, spicy cakes.
06:08Have a great night.
06:10What's that supposed to mean?
06:11Ah, have a great night?
06:13Well, yeah, but maybe it's sarcastic.
06:15Like, have a great night at that strip club douche.
06:18At least you didn't use an exclamation mark.
06:19Then it would definitely be sarcastic.
06:21Any time a girl uses an exclamation mark,
06:23it basically means stab yourself in the face.
06:24Dude, this is it.
06:28It's promising.
06:30With a location this bad, it's got to be good.
06:33Oh, the secret entrance.
06:39That long bow?
06:44It's happening.
06:46Just as I foretold.
06:48Oh, yeah, it's so fresh and authentic.
06:53It's going to be delicious.
06:54This really doesn't feel like a restaurant.
06:56Now, don't be naive.
06:57You're just not hip to the underground New York scene.
06:59You know dating country girls.
07:01I know cutting-edge urban cuisine.
07:06Hi.
07:10Okay, we are definitely in a Chinese family's living room.
07:13Yeah, I think you're right.
07:23Bart.
07:24Funny, right?
07:25Archie?
07:27She must know where the restaurant is.
07:29I'm downloading the translator app on my phone.
07:31Hang tight.
07:31Ah, damn, voicemail.
07:33Hey, Stacy.
07:35Uh, just checking in,
07:36but you're probably out at a rager
07:38or birthing a foal.
07:41Uh, just call me back when you get a chance.
07:43All right, peace out.
07:44Peace out?
07:45That sounded like a desperate plea
07:47from a lonely man who fell overboard on a singles cruise.
07:49Here, give me that.
07:50No, come on, man.
07:51No, it's for your own good.
07:52Okay, let's not argue in front of the fangs.
08:00Wait.
08:02No.
08:03We can't let this happen, can we?
08:05No.
08:05We got to save it, man.
08:07No, me?
08:09Me?
08:10No, you go.
08:11You got those great hands.
08:12I got the face.
08:13True.
08:15Okay, go.
08:16Oh, hey!
08:17Oh, hey, hey!
08:19Go, hey, hey!
08:20Go, go, go, go, go!
08:24Go, go, go, go, go, go!
08:26Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
08:26Go, go, go, go, go!
08:27Go, go, go, go!
08:28Ah, yeah!
08:29Crap, how did I miss this call?
08:31Peace out?
08:32What the hell is that?
08:33Hippie talk.
08:37Voicemail, why would he ask me to call him and then not answer?
08:40I don't know. Why would you call him and not leave a message? This is it.
08:44Yeah, I mean, it's hard to tell if we're playing games with each other or if the cell reception just
08:48sucks.
08:48It's a tangled web, Stacy.
08:50Are you sure this is the place?
08:52Dave has lied to me, stolen my credit cards, and wants to give me a withering infection.
08:56But when it comes to doing wrong, he has never done me wrong.
09:01Hey.
09:02Um, sorry. Wrong address.
09:04No problem.
09:05The Big Magoo sent us.
09:08Oh, right! The Big Magoo!
09:11You guys want steroids, right?
09:12Yeah, I just got some from Osaka. It's good. It's karate quality. This one will be able to lift a
09:16truck. Come on.
09:18That's okay, officer. It's...
09:22Damn.
09:23I did it again. Sorry, sometimes when I get ripped, I forget I'm still wearing my blues.
09:27No worries, ladies. Officer Buckley's off the clock.
09:30Phil is here. And Phil sells drugs. Come on.
09:36Yeah.
09:38What are you doing?
09:40Nothing.
09:41You're sniffing our son's pillow. I only took one year of psych, but I'm pretty sure that's weird.
09:44You know what I think is weird?
09:48Gavin still has this.
09:50His Bigfoot costume? What was that? Halloween seventh grade?
09:53Eighth grade. Seventh grade was Princess Jasmine.
09:56Right. Boy, that was an interesting autumn. Stop snooping, Pam.
09:59I'm not snooping.
10:01Wait, remember how long it took me to sew this thing?
10:04You feeling a little empty-nesty there, Mama Bird? Hmm?
10:09Does this have anything to do with how much Gavin likes Stacy?
10:13How can you be simultaneously so smart and so stupid?
10:17I got brain damage from a falling encyclopedia.
10:20Oh, my God!
10:22Oh, my God!
10:25You saved your life!
10:26I gotta hand it to you, guys. You were quick back there like a puma.
10:29No, you were like a hairy Bruce Willis. That was awesome.
10:34Now reality is setting in a little bit. What are we gonna do with the chicken?
10:38Give me back my phone.
10:39Okay. Let's go to the restaurant, get some dumplings in us, and we'll figure out our next move.
10:44Damn.
10:45Stacy's call.
10:48Voicemail again.
10:49Thanks a lot.
10:50You gotta give me a break with the Stacy thing. Just be in the moment.
10:53You're always thinking about her.
10:55That's not true.
10:56Tell me something. Whenever you're with her, you ever think about me?
10:58Yeah. Whenever I need to slow things down, I think about you French kissing Hitler.
11:02Well, it's not funny. Not cool.
11:06And not even remotely historically active.
11:09Fine. I'll go back to picturing you shaving Donald Trump's back.
11:14Dang.
11:15All I can make are proper nouns or bad things to call black people.
11:19This is nice. It's peaceful.
11:21Yeah.
11:21No better way to spend a Friday night than playing board games with your dead husband's brother.
11:29Raccoons!
11:33It's just a kid on a bicycle.
11:34No.
11:34It's just a kid on a bicycle!
11:36Are you sure?
11:37Pretty sure.
11:38He was ringing a bell and carrying a pizza box.
11:40Well, I wouldn't put anything past him. I once saw a raccoon paddling a canoe.
11:43Granted, it was an animatronic raccoon at a carnival.
11:46I can only assume it was based on science.
11:49You know what? Maybe Stacy had the right idea.
11:51It's boring here.
11:53Let's go out and get some air. Maybe some ice cream, too.
11:55Yeah, that's a nice idea.
11:57Plus, it'll lull the raccoons into a false sense of security.
12:01I guess this house will be people-free tonight.
12:06Okay, Brian.
12:08You girls sure you don't wanna hang out?
12:09I got a ton of peanut butter we confiscated from some Mexicans running a counterfeit grocery store.
12:13Junkie.
12:14All good, Phil. Keep it legal.
12:16Almost always do.
12:18Keep it quiet or I'll find you.
12:24And now I have no reception. I just had it here a second ago. How does that happen?
12:28The ionosphere. It's complex and highly charged. Much like your relationship with your boyfriend.
12:35He's not my boyfriend. At least not officially. I don't know what we are exactly.
12:39I know what we are exactly. Two girls about to make some terrible choices.
12:44Are you doing the angry walk?
12:47You are. You're actually mad right now.
12:49No, I'm doing the regular walk.
12:51Come on. You have no right to be upset because I think about Stacy.
12:54I have every right, okay? I have all the rights of the world, plus several rights from distant solar systems.
12:59Trying to have serious conversation.
13:01Come on, Stacy. Stacy.
13:02Oh, crap.
13:03Hi, Mom. What's up?
13:04Hi, Gavin.
13:05Uh, your dad and I are just wondering when you might be home tonight.
13:08Uh, not for a while. Archie got us lost and we adopted some poultry.
13:12A chicken?
13:15To Officer Phil. It's awesome stuff.
13:19Mmm. This ice cream is amazing. I want to find the cow that made it and kiss its teats.
13:25Heads up, truckers delight.
13:28One, two, three.
13:32Woo!
13:32Yeah, it takes so long until you're fun!
13:36Yeah!
13:38Yeah!
13:40Yeah!
13:44That was kind of more fun in high school.
13:47Okay, Mom.
13:49All right, I'll see you in a few hours. I love you. Bye.
13:52How can you take a call in the middle of a fight?
13:54I thought it was Stacy. Look, I don't want to fight!
13:56And it's hard to argue because you're holding a chicken and your hair is making me laugh the way it's
14:00bouncing around.
14:01Then allow me to make it easier.
14:03Tonight was supposed to be just you and me. Man to man, eating pork, telling lies.
14:07But Stacy's always here. Even when she's not here, she's here.
14:10Okay, that makes no sense.
14:12Also, ease up on your grip. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I honestly think you're choking your chicken.
14:16Archie, come on!
14:20Thanks for waiting, dude. I totally could have gotten wilded by some teens.
14:25Golden dumpling pavilion.
14:27Oh.
14:29Looks like they had a little fire.
14:31Screw it. I give up.
14:33What?
14:34Don't you want to go to that lounge?
14:36It's a Hooters for sophisticated people, remember?
14:38Ah, it's over, man.
14:41They broke us.
14:44Oh, what the hell, man?
14:45That was harder than I meant, okay? But I owed you that.
14:49I'll tell you what I'm going to do, okay?
14:50I'm going to turn off my phone for you.
14:52Really?
14:53Mm-hmm.
14:54Not just airplane mode?
14:55Completely off.
14:56Takes a sec, the little thing is spinning.
14:58Oh.
14:59All right. Off.
15:00It's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.
15:03Okay, so this one Chinese joint is closed, but who cares?
15:06We'll just go to that one.
15:08Give me this.
15:09Second floor Chinese.
15:10Mm-hmm.
15:10Are you nuts?
15:11It's not safe.
15:13Do you know what happens in second floor Chinese?
15:15Nobody does.
15:16Let's find out.
15:20You beautiful bastard.
15:23Steak.
15:25Gotcha.
15:28Yeah!
15:30Oh!
15:38I have $189, and my boy wants to party!
15:45Woo!
15:48Thought there'd be more of a reaction.
15:50We're dead.
15:52She'll be coming round the mountain.
15:54She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes.
15:57Oh, here she comes!
15:59Still no bars.
16:00What if he's trying to reach me?
16:02What if he's not?
16:03Have a great night.
16:04I should have used an exclamation mark so he would have known I wasn't being sarcastic.
16:08Yeah, that would have helped.
16:10Nope, it's go time.
16:11Oh.
16:13Release the Krakens!
16:16We'll be coming round the mountain!
16:20Oh, god!
16:22What was that?
16:24Yes!
16:25Yes it was!
16:30Here's the plan.
16:31Back away real slow, but if you see any throwing stars or nunchucks, sprint.
16:36What are you doing?
16:37What are you doing?
16:48hello are you with me or against me
16:58with you yeah
17:04i can't believe i flashed my mother
17:07stupid stacy i'm gonna end up like her lonely and alone wandering through the night getting
17:14flashed by morons oh you're pretty high huh
17:20hey relax relax it's probably just officer phil i got a report of drug use and public lewdness
17:27ids ladies no no no no no no i'm not going back inside
17:32got ya phil whoa you cop scared the crap out of us cop singular i just met lester at the
17:41ice cream shop
17:42guy's a hoot is the little one all right she's shivering like a rabbit not really
17:47we're too high to drive and she needs cell service stat can you give us a ride
17:51hey i'm here to protect and serve and party let's roll let's rock and roll come on lest
18:00come on thanks sorry i lost it before you should probably turn your phone back on
18:06uh yeah i already did nothing but at least we're hanging out with actual ladies of the night
18:12that's something we can tell our grandkids about hang in there buddy
18:19still no service
18:24do it
18:26Somebody else's dream playing on a screen.
18:32Hey, hey, road!
18:36And all those dreams of mine.
18:40I got four bars.
18:45Nope, that's not for you. That's not for you.
18:48No, no, please, please, give me that.
18:50Hello, we have enough body, baby.
18:52No, that's my girlfriend.
18:53Hello, Stacy?
18:54Hello?
18:55Wait, Gavin.
18:58What? I can't hear anything.
19:00Gavin.
19:04I think I messed it up on the phone with Stacy again.
19:08Socks, man!
19:10He just called me his girlfriend.
19:12Hi!
19:25Light it up, Bill! Stacy got a boyfriend!
19:28Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!
19:30Yeah!
19:35All right, Stacy, the Odyssey is ending.
19:39So... I...
19:41So, uh, did you guys see us, or...?
19:44No idea what you're talking about.
19:48Is that the way we're playing this?
19:49Yes, it is.
19:50It's the only way I can live with the memory of those round, fleshy mounds I don't remember seeing.
19:55Deal. Okay. So, um, good night. And, uh, thanks for everything, Ness.
20:02Tonight was a weird one.
20:03Yeah, it was like high school.
20:05A little weirder than high school.
20:06But you know I always got your back, right?
20:11Can't believe somebody took that chicken.
20:13Yeah, you know they're gonna turn him into a fighter.
20:15Don't say that.
20:17Why are you still here?
20:18Oh, sorry. Uh, AC took longer than planned.
20:22Yeah, but, uh, everything's working fine now.
20:25Good night, boys.
20:26Good night, man.
20:29Killed the time.
20:32Hey.
20:34Someone do something to my Bigfoot?
20:39My bed is memory foam! It'll never forget!
20:50One could crutch do something
20:50D few easily, but I could really trace my fingers down as a little as used in it.
20:51Why would't I pull up the water that you go in?
20:51Um, for Hiv7, thank God.
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