- 4 days ago
Us & Them (2014) Season 1 Episode 5
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00:14Is this what you want? Is this what you want?
00:17Yes, Mom. Take it off.
00:19I believe you've dropped this, man.
00:24Gotta run.
00:33Sorry, I was cramping out.
00:37Just go on without me.
00:39Okay.
00:44I think I just killed the baby.
00:58Morning.
00:59Morning.
01:00Hi, Brian.
01:01Gwen, did you carbo-load last night?
01:03I ate a bowl of mac and cheese and a ton of fried chicken skin.
01:06Good.
01:07And please tell me you stretched out your trouble spots, glutes, groin, and throat.
01:11Yes, Brian.
01:12If I were any looser, something might slide out.
01:14Good.
01:15And what's your mantra?
01:16Head down, knees up.
01:17That's a good one.
01:18Got me through summer school.
01:19Guys, it's just a charity run for cancer.
01:21It's not actually cancer.
01:22But I failed to finish this race eight times.
01:25And every time I do, it's like I'm reliving the horror of my husband's death.
01:32Oh, I made waffles.
01:33Oh, great.
01:39Hello, gentlemen.
01:40Sweet foot gloves.
01:42Thank you, sir.
01:43You look like the nerd that the other nerds have beat up.
01:45Laugh away.
01:46If these had been invented a thousand years ago, we'd be writing with our toes right now.
01:50And with our fingers, we'd be unraveling the mysteries of the stars.
01:53You know, I don't want to be rude, but...
01:55You never want to, but somehow you always find a way.
01:58What about that wine tasting we were going to go to today?
02:00We just never do anything all together anymore.
02:02We can do that anytime.
02:03Stacy's whole family is coming up for this.
02:06Also, there's a new Asian barbecue stand in the park.
02:09And the line shouldn't be too bad, because apparently chemo takes away your appetite.
02:12Always looking on the bright side, aren't you?
02:13I just want you to get to know everyone, and try not to be so abrasive.
02:17You're normally at sandpaper, dial it back to loofah.
02:19Fine.
02:20You should really be worried about this one.
02:22Dad's not a concern.
02:23Everyone likes him at first.
02:24It's not until later you find out he's a lunatic.
02:26I'm like a slow gas leak.
02:27By the time you notice, it's too late.
02:31This melon is immense, Gwen.
02:34And seedless.
02:35You splurged.
02:36Well, we don't want Gavin's family to think we're spitters.
02:39Stacy, Gavin's family.
02:41How much of an effort should we make to get to know these people?
02:43A big effort.
02:44He's my boyfriend.
02:45Why?
02:45Well, it's just that you've had a lot of boyfriends.
02:49And I bonded with those families, and then one day, poof, they're gone.
02:54And I don't want to get in too deep again.
02:57Like with James.
02:59His family was ripped away from me like a baby gorilla from its ape mother.
03:02James was different.
03:04Of course James was different.
03:06Gavin's just your boyfriend.
03:07James was your fiancé.
03:08I'm not talking about this.
03:10It's in my past.
03:12Not talking about the past doesn't make it go away.
03:15I have the clinic bills to prove it.
03:17Does Gavin know?
03:18No.
03:19Why would I tell him that?
03:20You almost married the boy, Stacy.
03:23You have to tell Gavin about it.
03:25Yeah, and if he finds out some other way, well, that would be worse.
03:27And how else would he find out?
03:30You know secrets make me nervous.
03:31They want to explode out of my mouth.
03:33Brian, don't.
03:35I will try, but it's so hard.
03:37I hate Gwen's waffles.
03:40See?
03:41Better tell him fast, Stacy.
03:46Fruit salad done.
03:54Stacy!
03:56Gavin!
03:57Hey!
03:58Hi!
04:02So this is happening.
04:03Peanut butter is about to get all up in my chocolate.
04:05Yep.
04:06Two great tastes that may not taste great together.
04:08Hey!
04:08How's everybody doing today?
04:10Gavin, Stacy's got a secret.
04:12Oh boy, I got to walk over here now.
04:14What's he talking about?
04:16Nothing.
04:16He's allergic to grass and trees, anything green, really.
04:20Thank you so much for coming out.
04:22I'm just glad you didn't have other plans.
04:24No, not a thing.
04:25I mean, there had been talk about a family wine tasting, but never mind.
04:31Hey.
04:33Okay.
04:38So, I brought shirts.
04:41Oh!
04:42Wow!
04:44Finish, Gwen, finish.
04:46Hmm, neato.
04:47I am going to put mine right in my purse for safekeeping.
04:52So, you run around a loop a few times?
04:54I mean, that doesn't seem so bad.
04:56Well, Gwen's been trying to finish ever since her husband, my brother, died of cancer.
05:00Oh.
05:00Yeah.
05:01Very sorry for your loss.
05:02He had a malignant mole on his shoulders about the size of an almond.
05:07He was biking to the doctor to get it removed when he got hit by a train.
05:13Damn you, cancer.
05:14Oh, today's for Nikki.
05:16Sounds like there should be a fun run against trains, right?
05:20No?
05:21Okay.
05:22So, we should go register, huh?
05:24Yeah.
05:25Yeah.
05:25Yeah.
05:27I don't get it.
05:28Why didn't Pam put on the shirt?
05:30Maybe she has a skin disease.
05:32I wouldn't be surprised if she's an alligator woman underneath all that.
05:35I saw an alligator woman once at the state fair.
05:38She cut me off in the parking lot.
05:40Never seen Gavin in shorts before.
05:43Pretty nice getaway sticks.
05:46Are you going to put that on?
05:47Oh, come on.
05:49I'm being nice.
05:49Do I also have to wear a matching t-shirt like a German on a bus tour?
05:52I like this shirt.
05:54I mean, I can pull off orange.
05:55Not a lot of guys can.
05:56That's got to cut off the sleeves.
05:58David and Goliath need to breathe.
06:01The right arm's Goliath.
06:02Guess why?
06:05Thank you for helping me get that deep stretch.
06:08You are folding me like sweet origami.
06:11You're soft as hot noodles, Bri.
06:14You are ready to run.
06:15Oh, I don't run, Archie.
06:17I race walk, or as I call it, the gentleman's jog.
06:20It's a dying sport, like fox baiting or the boulder dangle.
06:24I think you'd like it.
06:25You sweat?
06:25Just a fine mist, Archie.
06:28That's too much for me.
06:31I smell barbecue.
06:33Brian, you to your challenge, me to mine.
06:40Look at this guy.
06:42He's like a greyhound, all skinny and shivering, but you can tell he's fast as grease towel.
06:45A sickly dude?
06:4720 bucks says I'll blast him.
06:4820 American?
06:49I like that action.
06:50He's a little lightning bolt.
06:52I may be raising money to keep him alive, but I'll murder him on the race course.
06:58Hiya!
06:58Oh, hi.
06:59Is that t-shirt that I gave you too snug because I have more in the car?
07:03No, no, no, no.
07:05It fits just fine, and the color is, well, it's really striking.
07:08I thought I'd save it and, uh, you know, wear it when I do chores around the house.
07:12Oh, I didn't realize you did chores.
07:14I figured you'd hire Caribbeans for that.
07:18No.
07:19It's just that I made them myself.
07:21They, well, they look homemade.
07:24Good luck out there.
07:28That doesn't look like it went so well.
07:29Sometimes it's hard to tell if my mom's upset or constipated.
07:33Oh, my mom's no picnic either.
07:34She's an acquired taste.
07:35She's like anchovies or getting trampled by bulls.
07:38I knew these t-shirts were a mistake.
07:45But, hey, we all make mistakes sometimes, right?
07:48I mean, I know I sure do.
07:49I once made a hot fudge sundae with no ice cream.
07:52Durr.
07:53But another funny mistake I once made, or almost made, is...
08:06Gentleman down.
08:08Gentleman down.
08:09Gentleman down.
08:19This is it.
08:20This is how I leave you.
08:22Ah, ah, ah, ah.
08:24Oh, my foot, my foot, my foot, my foot, my foot, my foot.
08:27Ah, ah.
08:29You okay?
08:31I may never race walk again.
08:32I just hope you can walk again, period.
08:35Yeah, I'd be surprised if you're able to keep the leg.
08:37We might have to cut it off now to prevent infection.
08:39We do have a hammer in the car.
08:40The claw in looks pretty sharp.
08:42Oh, go tickle each other behind a hedge.
08:43My foot feels like it's been touched by a devil.
08:46Oh.
08:47Oh, sorry.
08:47What hurts the most is that my sponsors won't donate money if I don't finish the race.
08:53I'm sorry, Nicky.
08:54They broke me.
08:56Well, how about I run for you, Brian?
08:58You do that?
08:59Sure.
09:00It's a 5K.
09:01I mean, I don't know how long a K is because I'm American, but I'm pretty sure I can run
09:04five of them.
09:05Well, thank you very much, Gavin.
09:10But I'd prefer if you race walk.
09:11Yeah, not gonna happen.
09:13I understand completely.
09:14Legs like yours were built for speed.
09:16My God, can you imagine what kind of beautiful children you two will have if you ever get married?
09:22Ooh, my mouth is feeling explosive.
09:24Okay, good luck, Gavin.
09:25Okay, bye.
09:26Okay.
09:27Can you keep it together, Brian?
09:29I can't help it.
09:30Look at him.
09:31He's got the gait of an antelope and the good humor of, well, I'm told that antelopes actually have very
09:35nice personalities.
09:37Stacey, I'm in too deep.
09:38Too deep.
09:41Head down.
09:43Knees up.
09:44Head down.
09:46Knees up.
09:46Hey, Gwen.
09:47Looking good.
09:48Need to focus.
09:49My body feels like a burlap sack full of fire ants.
09:53That's good.
09:54You're feeling the burn.
09:55Keep it up.
09:55Head down.
09:56Knees up.
09:58Head down.
10:01I love you, and I will destroy you.
10:04I can't help you that's somber.
10:06To pick myself on the floor.
10:09Yeah, Michael.
10:11Get after it.
10:12To pick myself on the floor.
10:13How's that Michael on your six?
10:15Damn greyhound.
10:16You can't outrun death, but you can't outrun me.
10:25Hey, Gavin, a little help here.
10:29What do you need?
10:29I can't get this wine bottle open.
10:32Come on, come sit with me. I'll pour you a glass.
10:35Well, I'm kind of busy running the sink for Stacy's uncle.
10:37You're running?
10:39You who once told your soccer coach that you thought running was just a coward's version of walking?
10:43You should go apologize to Gwen.
10:45Why? I'm being nice.
10:46You think you're being nice, but you're actually being kind of rude, and I want you two to get along.
10:50Look, I'm trying, okay? I just don't see the two of us camping out and matching long johns anytime soon.
10:55Apologize or I'm not opening this bottle.
10:58Fine. I can't believe I'm negotiating with a terrorist.
11:03Thanks, Mom.
11:07The last piece of corn?
11:10Is that supposed to mean something?
11:12No, I'm just saying. There's only one piece left. You can have it.
11:18If you want it.
11:20Makes no difference to me.
11:22If I have it, it'll be a nice addition to the meal.
11:24If I don't, well, I'm pretty full as it is.
11:26The question is, Archie,
11:28Do you want it?
11:30I want it.
11:32I'm just worried that if I ate it now, I'd be expected to eat it all night.
11:36I wouldn't worry about that.
11:37Corn on the cob is a once-in-a-blue-moon treat, which, once eaten, is soon forgotten and won't
11:42be mentioned again.
11:44To anyone.
11:45Well, that's good to know.
11:57Shall we?
11:58Yes, now.
12:02I know we're talking about sex, but I also really want the corn.
12:07Why don't they make colder ice?
12:09Will you sit still?
12:10One lap down.
12:12A little chafing, but I think I'm good.
12:17You have got to tell him about James.
12:20He deserves to know.
12:22And keeping this secret is causing me stress, and stress causes cancer, and then you'll be running for me.
12:26I want to, but we're in that early phase when everything is good, and telling him about my fiancé is
12:32the emotional equivalent of going to the bathroom in front of each other.
12:34Worse, what you do in the bathroom, you can flush away, usually.
12:38Look, Stacy, you'd want to know if some boy had given him a ring, wouldn't you?
12:48Hey, Gwen!
12:50Gwen!
12:52Wait up.
12:53Can I talk to you?
12:54Can't stop.
12:55I have to concentrate.
12:55Head down.
12:57Knees up.
12:58Wow, you're really pacing yourself.
13:00I'm on a metal hip, and I can keep up with you.
13:02Head down.
13:03Head down.
13:03What do you want?
13:04Me?
13:05I want to drink some wine.
13:06But Gavin says...
13:07I can't talk now.
13:09I can barely breathe.
13:11They call me abrasive.
13:15Whoa!
13:16Sorry!
13:16Oh!
13:17Oh, no!
13:18I got to stay focused.
13:19Sorry!
13:27Lookin' good, old man.
13:29I am deeply regretting the low-calorie diet.
13:32I'm pretty sure my body is facing on itself.
13:34What are you doing out here?
13:36Oh, I'm filling in for Stacy's uncle.
13:39Wow.
13:39Talk about your grand romantic gestures.
13:41If Pam's uncle were on fire, I wouldn't cross the street to get a pail of water.
13:45Uncle Dennis?
13:46He's my godfather.
13:47We didn't realize what a pain in the ass he was who you were on at six.
13:51Oh.
13:51But if you're out here running, you must be nuts about this girl.
13:56Yeah, I guess I am.
14:01Well, this is incredibly boring.
14:02I'm going to pick up the speed and finish as fast as I can.
14:04Years ago, I would have blasted...
14:09Okay.
14:13All right.
14:17This is disgusting.
14:19Just do what I do.
14:20Close your eyes and pretend you were somebody else.
14:22Okay.
14:22If anyone's closing their eyes, it's me closing my eyes.
14:24It's you.
14:25Man, you feel good!
14:27Ugh.
14:27Your body is like hot, fresh bread.
14:30I don't know if that's good or bad, but I'm a sandwich guy.
14:33So I'm taking it as a compliment.
14:42Hey!
14:43Ha-ha!
14:43You did it!
14:44Woo!
14:45Still don't know why you did it, but you did it!
14:46Ha, thanks.
14:48Well, it's too bad Stacy's not here.
14:49I did the old chariots of fire chest lean at the end and everything.
14:52So did you talk to Gwen?
14:53I tried to, but she was too busy staying in her zone.
14:56And I was being so nice, I practically made myself vomit.
14:59Just go say you're sorry already.
15:01What is going on with you?
15:02You've known this girl a month.
15:04Why are you getting so worked up?
15:05I like her, okay?
15:06Well, you've liked a lot of girls, but you never made me feel like Joan Crawford on a bad pill
15:10day.
15:10I know, but Stacy's, I don't know.
15:13I just want you to get along with Gwen, and the least you could do is put on that stupid
15:16T-shirt.
15:17Aha, so you admit that shirt is stupid.
15:20Oh, okay, if that shirt is so important to you, you want me to put it on right now?
15:25Yes, mom, take it off!
15:57Woo! Woo! Yeah!
16:01Where have you been?
16:02I was just getting some barbecue.
16:04Looks like it was extra tangy.
16:07So, Gavin did great, huh?
16:09Yeah, he's pretty special.
16:10I mean, not that kind of special.
16:12Although there was a six-month period when we worried because he walked late.
16:15Well, look at him now, running like a big boy.
16:17Yeah. You know, he's my only child, and he really likes you, so be careful with him, okay?
16:26Hey! Michael!
16:27Come on! Let's go!
16:30Yeah! Baby!
16:32I blasted you!
16:34Eat it!
16:34Nice. Very classy.
16:36What? Cancer people want to be treated like everybody else, and I straight out blasted that guy.
16:40Yes? Yes, you did.
16:42You blasted him good.
16:43You know, I'm not usually a complainer, but my foot feels like it's been violated by a necromancer.
16:49My head.
16:50Hey, wait. What is this?
16:51Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
16:53No, I wouldn't worry. That's just a little nail.
16:56That's pretty clean by city standards.
16:58Oh, my gosh.
16:59Oh, guys, it's my mom!
17:00Come on, Gwen.
17:02Come on, Gwen!
17:03Feeling weird.
17:05Feeling really weird.
17:06You got this going, Gwen!
17:08You can do it!
17:09Come on, you can do it!
17:11There was a nail in my foot!
17:13Grandpa, will you push me on the swing?
17:18Come on, Gwen!
17:19Get up, Gwen!
17:20Get up!
17:21Get up!
17:21I think I made a messy of my shorts.
17:28Come on!
17:29Come on!
17:30You can do it!
17:31Come on, Gwen!
17:32You can do it!
17:33I can't believe I put on this t-shirt for this.
17:36Gwen!
17:38Gwen, listen to me.
17:39Gwen, get up!
17:40You are so close to the finish line, you could roll there!
17:45Screw you.
17:47What?
17:48Take off that shirt!
17:50You are the rudest person I have ever met.
17:53And I once met Jerry Lewis at the opening of a super center!
17:58Oh, yeah?
17:59Come on.
18:00Come on!
18:01You look like you...
18:04You cut your own hair!
18:06Rachel Ray showed me how to do it on the internet!
18:10Oh!
18:11And you look like an aging prostitute!
18:14Oh, yeah?
18:15You have the sad, confused eyes of an inbred poodle!
18:19Who dare you!
18:21You filthy city bitch!
18:26Oh!
18:29Good job, Gwen!
18:33We need to get laid.
18:35Oh.
18:37That was nice.
18:39That was a little weird, but nice.
18:41Yeah.
18:43Tell him.
18:45So, um, speaking of weird, come with me.
18:48I have to tell you something.
18:51You okay?
18:51You sure?
18:52You were talking pretty crazy there for a second.
18:57I finally finished this race for my dear dead Nick.
19:01And now Stacey has a great new guy with an interesting family.
19:07I think it's time for me to start dating again.
19:09It has been eight years.
19:11Eight years?
19:12Oh, my God.
19:13You're practically a re-virgin.
19:15Why don't you let me set you up?
19:16Really?
19:17Yeah.
19:18I'm hell on wheels as a matchmaker.
19:20Okay.
19:22So, what's up?
19:22My legs are starting to feel all paralyzed-y.
19:25Oh.
19:26Um, well, there's something that I need to tell you.
19:29Or not need to.
19:30It's not like it has an expiration date or it's gonna go bad like milk.
19:35But it is something that I feel like I should tell you because you're really special to me.
19:40And I'm nervous to say it, but I think...
19:42I know what you're gonna say.
19:43And I think I love you, too.
19:49You do?
19:50Yeah.
19:51Me, too.
19:52I love you.
19:53I do.
19:54I love you.
19:54I love you.
19:55I love you.
20:00Okay.
20:02So that just happened?
20:03Yes.
20:03I was here.
20:04It totally happened.
20:06Wow.
20:07I've never said that to anyone before.
20:12Well, once when I was at the mall, I said it to the Easter Bunny, but to be fair, he
20:15was
20:15handing out jelly beans.
20:17You guys okay?
20:19Yeah, we're great.
20:20Oh, good.
20:21So, it's safe.
20:23She told you her secret.
20:24Brian.
20:24All good.
20:24She told me.
20:26Thank God.
20:27I hate keeping secrets.
20:30Archie and Nessa had sex in the port-a-potty.
20:34Okay, I'm off to get 11 tetanus shots.
20:37Good afternoon.
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