- 4 days ago
Us & Them (2014) Season 1 Episode 7
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TVTranscript
00:10Yeah? Yeah? You wanna call your mommy? I got her on speed dial!
00:24Are you still there? Hello? Stop being a baby, just kiss it.
00:37Did you get it? My coat! Come on, my coat! My coat! My... Ah, screw it.
01:03Let's move this coffee table against the wall, get some flow going.
01:05Table stays where it is. I'm driving this party, I have the keys, I make the decisions.
01:10Who made you the designated driver? This is our party.
01:13Now, see, you used to throw a decent banger, but now you're Stacy, and you're like a flabby heavyweight champion.
01:19You lost the eye of the tiger. I still have knockout power.
01:21Nah, only singles can throw great parties. With couples, there's too much drama, man.
01:25You can't get the fun ball into the party palace. You're all Stacy'd up, bro. It's over for you.
01:29All right. You know what? Nothing's over. Give me the keys. I guarantee our street will be a river of
01:35panties and puke.
01:36I like what your lips are saying, but I don't think your body can back it up.
01:39Oh, yeah? You want to bet? How about to protect yourself?
01:41You want to bet to protect yourself? All right. You're on, and you're a dead man.
01:46The keys are yours.
01:49I will sit next to Gwen. She hasn't had a date in eight years. She may need reassurance.
01:54Who needs reassurance? We've got booze.
01:57Me setting her up is a big responsibility. She needs support.
02:01We have to say, just because you're not conventionally pretty doesn't mean you can't get a man.
02:05You know, you're right. I'll just be a distraction. How about I go down to the kids' party where I
02:10can do shots while people chant my name?
02:11Nice try. And keep this date a secret. Gwen doesn't want Brian or Stacy to know that she's out there
02:17yet.
02:18Relax. Everything's gonna be fine. Gwen is a mature, confident woman.
02:26You're like a lazy eye.
02:29So, tonight we meet tier two.
02:31That might make sense in that cute little peanut head, but I'm lost.
02:35Gavin's second level of Brooklyn friends will be at his party talking about premium cable shows and gluten.
02:40You're making it sound bad. It's gonna rule.
02:43Me and my wing woman, diaphragm deep and sweet alcohol I've been brewing up in my tub.
02:48We'll play the game.
02:49Okay. Every time we see a hipster with a beard talking about local meats, we do a shot.
02:54We're gonna be plastered by nine. Game on.
02:59Girls, is Betty lower than Veronica?
03:02Usually Uncle Brian weighs in, but he's at the Spy Museum in Washington and he's only communicating in code.
03:07To be honest, you're listing a little to the left, like a Bolivian freighter half full of bananas.
03:12Why are you so on edge about this? You're just having dinner with Gavin's parents.
03:15Uh, I never know which one is the fish fork.
03:23Ah, kegs, huh?
03:24Mm-hmm.
03:25It's pretty amateur.
03:26This is a small batch IPA so delicious that your bladder will ache with sadness when you pee it out.
03:35Hey, right over there.
03:36Hey, Cap. How's it going?
03:38Not bad.
03:40Is this your idea throwing down? My sister's the DJ. She doesn't know the newness.
03:45I'm on the tent, man. Come on, give me my keys back.
03:47Mm-mm.
03:48I'm gonna get the speakers, Archie. Okay.
03:51What'd she just call you?
03:52My name.
03:53Our deal was you were gonna stop going by Archie. You're Ruth.
03:56You already have a nickname, which is Rudy, so you absolutely cannot add another one.
04:00Especially one that's already mine.
04:01Shut up, Archie.
04:03Wait, why am I talking to myself? I mean, shut up, Christopher Archuleta.
04:08Every bone in my body is begging my brain to tell my muscles to attack right now.
04:12But I won't, because I'm better than that.
04:15But when Mommy dies, it's over.
04:23Hiya!
04:24Hey!
04:25Hey!
04:26Hey!
04:27How's it going?
04:28Good. Hi, guys.
04:29Look at all the beards. It's like we're in Cuba.
04:32I gotta get this concoction on ice. It's a volatile compound. I don't want it to blow.
04:39You Phillies look great.
04:40Well, we brushed our maids and tails.
04:43I'm telling you, Gwen, he's gonna fall in love with you.
04:46Who's gonna love you?
04:47Uh, me.
04:49Me.
04:50Me's gonna love you. Not even gonna.
04:51Me.
04:52Me already love you.
04:53Me.
04:54Smell burnt toast.
04:55Gotta go.
04:57What's going on?
04:58Nothing.
05:00That was your something, nothing?
05:01No, it's just...
05:03They have a guy they want me to meet. It's no biggie.
05:06You have a date?
05:08Why didn't you tell me that?
05:09It's private.
05:11I'm the mother. I don't have to tell you everything.
05:12Ah, there you are. Let's go.
05:15We are all set for the bridge tournament.
05:18I think you're really gonna like your cards, Gwen.
05:21Ah, she knows, huh?
05:24Okay, well, he's here. Better come upstairs.
05:28We'll talk about this later.
05:31Any other secrets you want to reveal before your date?
05:33Were you a Soviet sleeper agent?
05:36Did I have a twin you absorbed at birth?
05:43This looks good, huh?
05:45Who's the god of thunder?
05:47I am.
05:47Korean tacos, are you serious?
05:49I said 2011.
05:50Where's the Cambodian quesadilla guy?
05:51Okay.
05:53This place looks nice.
05:54The tacos?
05:56Hope you got extra TP.
05:58That's what I told him!
06:00What's that?
06:00Just a jar of Dillsburg Dew.
06:03Want it?
06:06Oh!
06:07God!
06:08Won't make you go blind, but you should definitely wash your hands before touching your genitals.
06:12So, uh, speaking of that, I know we have an arrangement, but I'm working a lot of lady angles tonight,
06:16so I doubt that you and I are gonna be happy.
06:19Unless I completely strike out, so, um, hang tight.
06:23Do you know how easily I could make you cry with my fists or my mouth?
06:30Faith, Faith, come meet Lisa and Steve.
06:33Ooh, cute bag.
06:34My mom made it.
06:35She apparently can do whatever she wants.
06:38Who needs a drink?
06:39I sure do.
06:47It's a good punch.
06:52You okay?
06:53Yeah, I'm the best around.
06:54I, you know, don't worry about me.
06:56I'm not worrying about anything.
06:58I'm here to have fun.
06:59So, do you want to do shots?
07:01Uh, nah, I'm good.
07:07This whole taco thing's totally played out.
07:09But they're free and I'm hungry, so I'm gonna have a thousand.
07:12Then I am gonna have a thousand and one.
07:14Little girl, my insides are bigger than your outsides.
07:17I could outchew you and your entire family.
07:19You are all talk.
07:21I'm all teeth.
07:22This is a party.
07:23I came to party, so let's party.
07:25It's taco time.
07:26All right, I'm gonna need a hot towel, a cold towel, and the biggest bucket in Brooklyn.
07:29Let's go.
07:30Is she acting really weird?
07:31Or is this just how country girls party?
07:33A little bit of both.
07:34Something's definitely eating at her, but sometimes it's just better to let her eat something else.
07:40The CO is an accountant.
07:42He lives on our block.
07:43Nice to meet you.
07:44Nice to meet you, too.
07:46Great shoes.
07:47Oh, thanks.
07:49Their prescription.
07:51I had scoliosis.
07:53When you press down on my clavicle, you can hear my hips pop.
07:55Kids in school used to call me bubble wrap.
07:58Well, I think we all had funny nicknames when we were in high school, didn't we?
08:02They used to call me Three Finger Pam.
08:05I started the bowling club.
08:07I, uh, should probably go to Gavin's, tell those kids to quiet down.
08:11Oh, you stay right here, sweetheart.
08:15Gwen, would you please join me in the kitchen?
08:17Oh.
08:22I really can't stay long.
08:24I'm taping white collar.
08:27Let him sweat you.
08:28Don't let him sweat you.
08:29You're adopted.
08:30Woo-hoo!
08:31Get out! Get out! Get out!
08:33Put in your mouth like a paper strider.
08:36Let's stop it.
08:37You got this.
08:39You got this.
08:40You got this.
08:41You got this.
08:42Okay, sweetie.
08:43Let's try something a little different out there.
08:45I'm blowing it.
08:46And he's kind of cute.
08:47What do I do?
08:48No.
08:48You're a very interesting lady.
08:50You like to make candles.
08:51You love to cook.
08:53Let's just stick with those two for right now.
08:55Okay.
08:57Laugh at everything he says.
08:59Boys like that.
08:59Hmm.
09:00Okay?
09:01Try putting a finger in your mouth like this.
09:04Yeah, that's sexy.
09:05I already forgot his name.
09:07We're just staring at each other.
09:08Get out here.
09:09Okay.
09:12Okay.
09:15Bite.
09:16Chew.
09:17Swallow.
09:18Yes, that is what we do, Stace.
09:21Woo!
09:22I'm done.
09:23It's over.
09:25Yeah!
09:29I say this with respect.
09:31You're a filthy animal.
09:32Who's the little girl now, little girl?
09:35Anyone else want a piece of me?
09:37Who's feeling froggy?
09:39Okay, you're coming with me.
09:41Um, are you okay?
09:43Or are you having a brain aneurysm?
09:44Because I was in the Boy Scouts and I know a little first aid.
09:46No, I am good.
09:48It's nothing.
09:49I'm having fun.
09:50You know what else would be fun?
09:51We should light something on fire.
09:53Okay, we're getting out of here.
09:54Keep her away from matches.
09:55I'll be right back.
09:56What's up, little chicken?
09:57Nothing.
09:58You want a leg wrestle?
09:59Uh, did you snort an energy drink?
10:01Technically speaking, Capicola is a cured meat, not a sausage.
10:04Beard.
10:05Hipster talk.
10:06Shot.
10:11Look.
10:13I know you.
10:14I know you don't like talking about things, but obviously something is going on.
10:18And even though I would rather gargle hot thumbtacks than be stuck here with Archie,
10:22I think you should go with Gavin.
10:23I will be alright.
10:26Your girlfriend may be a cyborg.
10:27Okay, she's dealing with some stuff.
10:29I'm gonna take her for a walk.
10:30You're doing the right thing.
10:31That said, I told you, couples and parties don't mix.
10:34Give me the keys back.
10:37Whoa, whoa.
10:37Where you going?
10:39That's a bet.
10:40I gotta leave, dude.
10:41And I gotta unleash hell.
10:42Protect yourself!
10:47And that's why the French use baby wipes.
10:53Gwen, how was your day?
10:54Oh, I found the cutest bird in the attic.
10:58Must have been dead a month.
11:02How did we get so low on ice?
11:04I'm just gonna pop downstairs and get some...
11:07You have to try Gwen's rhubarb pie.
11:09I do like rhubarb.
11:10I need it from scratch.
11:19Dude!
11:20Dude!
11:20Would you bring a baby to Ozfest?
11:22This party's dangerous and edgy with a lot of sharp corners.
11:25Nothing's been baby-proofed.
11:27You.
11:27This party's in a coma.
11:29It's time to give it the kiss of life.
11:34Alright!
11:35You guys ready for the new-new?
11:37Hit it, Rudy!
11:38Play!
11:40Take it off shuffle first.
11:41Yeah.
11:42Do it!
11:42Come on!
11:46Whoa-ha-ha!
11:48Man!
11:50Oh-ho!
11:51That's a jam!
11:52Am I right?
11:53Yeah!
11:54Come on!
11:54Don't be afraid to dance!
11:55Come on!
12:01Stop jiggling on me.
12:02Come on!
12:03If everyone sees us dancing, they'll start joining in.
12:05You know I got those moves.
12:08Come on, I'll pay you 20 bucks.
12:09I don't dance for money.
12:11Not anymore.
12:12Once the Russians flooded the market,
12:14corn-fed country girl didn't have a chance.
12:16We're about 40.
12:17Done.
12:18Okay, but I want to see some pro-style booty shaking.
12:20That's the only style my booty shakes.
12:33So, you want to tell me what's going on?
12:36It's nothing.
12:38Nothing?
12:39You've been acting like Captain Crazy Pants all night.
12:42I was having fun.
12:43Look, it's obviously something, so why don't you just tell me what it is?
12:48If you don't tell me, I...
12:50I don't know...
12:51I don't know what I'll do.
12:53I...
12:54I will...
12:55eat this worm.
12:57No, you won't.
12:58I will eat this slimy, dirt-covered city worm if you don't tell me what's bothering you.
13:03I'm not bluffing.
13:04Oh, God!
13:05Oh, oh!
13:05My mom is on a date for the first time in eight years, and it's freaking me out!
13:09Dude, that sucks.
13:12I just wish you said it before I ate bait.
13:16Oh!
13:29If you boil the head long enough, the meat slides right off the skull.
13:34Wow, you learned a lot at Bible camp.
13:38Pim, is there a restroom around here?
13:40Yeah, right, um...
13:44New plan.
13:45Don't talk about yourself.
13:46Talk about him.
13:48I don't know anything about him.
13:49Search him.
13:50Theo LaMonaco.
13:53LaMonaco.
13:54LaMonaco.
14:00You're all out of...
14:03Crap.
14:04You searched me, didn't you?
14:10Look, before you rush to judgment, I'm only technically a registered sex offender.
14:17What about legally?
14:18Well, that, too.
14:19I've already rushed to judgment.
14:21I peed in the school zone.
14:23You know, it was late at night.
14:25There were no kids there.
14:26Well, when you gotta go.
14:29I forgot.
14:29You always take the other side.
14:31It's not like he whizzed on a third grader.
14:33You didn't, did you?
14:34It's gonna follow me forever.
14:37I'm dizzy.
14:38Is it hot in here?
14:40Yes, oh boy.
14:41You know, I'm gonna get you downstairs and, uh...
14:43No, get some fresh air.
14:45Is there any chance that worm is still alive in my stomach?
14:48Because I didn't chew.
14:49I don't want to get into an alien situation.
14:53My dad would have liked you.
14:55Really?
14:56He was a big fisherman.
14:58Oh, yeah?
14:58Yeah.
15:01Crazy idea.
15:02What do you say?
15:04I've never fished in my entire life, but...
15:07I've always wanted to.
15:08How do you turn this thing on?
15:12So...
15:12Ron tonight?
15:13Say what?
15:14I mean, we both felt it on the dance floor.
15:17I'll cut to the chase.
15:18Yes, Nessa, there's a Santa Claus.
15:19And his name is Archie.
15:21What are you talking about?
15:22Tonight, it's gonna be you and me.
15:23You won!
15:24Uh, no.
15:26It's not.
15:26I'm flying solo.
15:28Tonight, it's gonna be you and you.
15:34Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
15:35I can't be within 50 yards of school-age children.
15:38No, no, that baby is just a baby.
15:41You don't know.
15:42I mean, it could be like Doogie Howser.
15:44It looked pretty smart.
15:45Would you relax?
15:46Where's the booze?
15:47No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
15:49You're way too old to be here right now.
15:50This party is barely hanging on.
15:53Please.
15:53I'm the coolest guy here.
15:55Now set me and my boy up with some shots.
15:56Let's get the Michael chance going.
15:59Aw.
16:00He doesn't even like me and he's a sex offender.
16:03How low can you get?
16:05Okay, don't beat yourself up.
16:06Sex offenders into weird things like stuffed animals and cellophane.
16:10He wasn't even a real possibility.
16:12We do live near a playground.
16:14Just think of him as flirting practice.
16:17Remember, you are the catch here.
16:19He can't even vote.
16:20Well, I can.
16:24And I vote we go downstairs.
16:27So, your mom is on a date, huh?
16:30Yeah.
16:31Since my dad died, it's just been the two of us.
16:34And usually when I'm upset, I talk to her.
16:38But now she's the one making me upset, so.
16:41Well, that's okay, because now you have me.
16:44Yes, I do.
16:46Oh.
16:47Oh.
16:48Oh.
16:48I got something.
16:49Oh.
16:51Oh.
16:52My first catch ever is an old boot.
16:56Oh.
16:56Gotcha.
16:59Hey, sorry.
17:00Can't have you here.
17:01The average age is already 47 and the baby leaves will be 60.
17:04Back off.
17:05I own the place.
17:06Oh.
17:07This night's a total bust.
17:08You know, I thought I was a swing ambassador, but I guess I'm just a single loser.
17:12Oh, that's not true, Archie.
17:14Don't sugarcoat it.
17:15It's a fact.
17:16Besides, every great party needs at least that one shiny moment to be remembered forever.
17:21And this one's got nothing.
17:22Yeah.
17:25You're throwing a real banger, bro.
17:27Lots of weirdos and seniors.
17:29Shut up, Rudy.
17:30Your tunes are weak.
17:31You murdered the vibe.
17:32You murdered the vibe.
17:33Stop it.
17:33Stop it.
17:34Really?
17:34Really.
17:35This is really what you're gonna do right now.
17:36You're really doing this right now.
17:37Oh, my God.
17:38I can't.
17:39I'm gonna murder you.
17:46Admit it.
17:47This is much more fun than upstairs.
17:51Hi.
17:52Hi.
17:53I was just washing my hands.
17:56I wasn't checking out the baby or anything like that.
17:59Oh, I didn't think anything.
18:00Look, I'm sorry about this whole thing.
18:03I'm surprised you're even talking to me.
18:05No, I...
18:06I can't.
18:07Come here.
18:10Listen, it's okay.
18:12Bad things happened.
18:14My husband got murdered by a train.
18:16Gosh.
18:19You are so nice to be so nice.
18:22It's so nice of you to say how nice it is for me to be nice.
18:26Listen, it's been a while since I've done this.
18:28So can we just kind of practice a little bit?
18:31Okay.
18:31I've been practicing by myself forever, so...
18:35Well, practice makes perfect.
18:37Oh, then that would make me a master.
18:44Hold it.
18:45I'm sorry.
18:46I'm a monster.
18:47I'm out of control.
18:48It's just...
18:49It's been a while, but I still remember what I like.
18:55Oh.
19:00Oh, yeah.
19:01It's just like riding a bike.
19:20My coat!
19:21My hat!
19:23My hat!
19:26My hat!
19:26My hat!
19:27My hat!
19:30Renounce it!
19:31Renounce my name!
19:32Who is the real Archie?
19:34Renounce it!
19:34I renounce!
19:35I renounce!
19:35Nothing!
19:37Things here have changed.
19:39Work your thing out?
19:40Yeah.
19:41Oh, goodness.
19:41I'm gonna put the catch of the day in its place of honor.
19:46Maybe turn it around?
19:51What the hell is that?
19:52That's a front!
19:57That's a front!
20:10That's a front!
20:12Mom!
20:13Oh, my stars!
20:15Oh, honey, it's okay.
20:16I don't even like him.
20:18He's a sex offender.
20:20What?
20:20It was a misunderstanding.
20:21Is that afoot?
20:22Yeah, we gotta call the police.
20:24No cops!
20:25I got a curfew.
20:26Yes!
20:26One shining moment!
20:28This party's gonna be remembered forever!
20:31Woo!
20:34You all right, pumpkin?
20:35Yeah.
20:36Honestly, I'm happy for you, Mom.
20:39I'm just sad for my eyes.
20:41I'm sorry you saw that.
20:43But I am gonna start dating boys again.
20:46I just think I'm ready.
20:48Okay.
20:51Interesting night, huh?
20:53Is everything okay here?
20:54Yeah, it's fine.
20:55I'm really sorry, guys.
20:57I'll flip your mattress.
20:58Ah, don't worry about it.
21:00You seem worse than the petting zoo.
21:01And thanks to your shenanigans and this handsome couple's foot,
21:05this party's already in the Brooklyn Hall of Fame.
21:06Yeah, cool.
21:07That's great.
21:08Best of all, I think we solved a cold case.
21:15Coast clear.
21:16I gotta get home and wiggle back into my ankle bracelet.
21:19Call me.
21:21Will do.
21:24I won't.
21:26Probably.
21:27.
21:27.
21:31.
21:31.
21:32.
21:32.
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