- 4 days ago
Us & Them (2014) Season 1 Episode 2
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00:11You know, I think I'm good. I could just stay on top.
00:14Okay!
00:17I'm supposed to be in there!
00:21The whole world is watching! The whole world is watching!
00:25The whole...
00:31Well, watch his head. He still has a soft spot.
00:36Oh, come on!
00:39Barely!
00:41We are going to Brown Town!
00:46Baba! Baba!
01:02Hurry up, Mom! I don't want to be late for my date with Gavin. It's just a four-hour drive
01:07to New York. We're not taking a space ark to Jupiter.
01:09Okay, I'm almost done. I've got ten peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
01:14And one jelly and jelly.
01:15Yes, honey.
01:16Thank you. I cannot wait to see Dave Matthews again. You know, you may not know it by looking at
01:20me.
01:20But back in what I like to call the day, I was a hardcore Matthews man.
01:26That was a long time ago, back before your dad died. Buried my electric violin that day, Stace. Not on
01:33purpose.
01:33You know, I will try anything once, but Dave Matthews sounds like three horses trampling two dogs.
01:38Uh, no. He sounds like a god being tickled by an angel.
01:41Actually, he sounds like...
01:42He sounds like a god being tickled by an angel.
01:43All right, well, let me know if it's horses or angels. Either way, when you guys are at the concert,
01:48I will be having a better time with Gavin.
01:50So it's on tonight. You're gonna crunch, crunch, crunch it up. Crunch, crunch, crunch it up.
01:56I hate the crunch song.
01:57It's the perfect time for it. Tonight is your night, bro.
01:59Stop. The last date with Stacey was a disaster, but this time I got it all planned out nice.
02:03Well, good for you. What's her schedule?
02:04It's a tight window. I mean, she gets in at 8 o'clock, but her family's driving her right back
02:08home at 11.30.
02:09Her lady's schedule. You're starting a long-distance relationship.
02:13It'll be weeks till you hang again, and the first time you go to Six Flags, you want to find
02:16out the park's flooded.
02:18Sometimes I wonder if we met now, would we still be friends?
02:21Of course. Hook my boy up with some condoms.
02:23I don't need a personal shopper for my penis.
02:25I only have the big ones.
02:27Not a problem. He's a quarter Italian.
02:28Sorry, I can't do it.
02:30What do you mean he can't do it?
02:31Too much condom, not enough you. If it's too loose, you reproduce.
02:36Hold on. I am definitely in the ballpark. I mean, I wear extra-large sweaters from certain stores.
02:41Sorry, Papi.
02:42What, do I need to put on a scale so you can weigh it like sliced cheese?
02:45Next.
02:47You just lost a customer.
02:49What, after?
02:50Yeah.
02:50Relax.
02:52It's just a date. We're hardly gonna have any time. I don't know if anything's gonna happen.
02:57It's no big deal.
02:58It's kind of a big deal, because you two are gonna have sex tonight for the first time.
03:02I know it, and you know it.
03:04I don't really know it. At least not 100%.
03:08Well, you should, because Gavin's just a nice guy you met through work until he makes you feel like you're
03:12on one of those upside-down roller coasters the Arabs are always building.
03:15I'm not worried. He's a good kisser.
03:17Oh, that doesn't mean anything. Brian's a good kisser.
03:20Thank you, Nessa.
03:21We agreed never to talk about that trip to Yosemite again.
03:24Look, Gavin lives four hours away. You gotta find out now. Because if you don't have sexual chemistry, what do
03:29you have? Just your friend's uncle's tongue in your mouth.
03:34Don't worry about the condoms. My love locker is at your disposal. I got rubber so big you can sleep
03:39underwater.
03:40Sounds useful.
03:41And the apartment's all yours tonight. You're going out with your girl, I'm going out with my girl.
03:46Yeah, girl being the operative word, you're sure Lucy's 18, right? 18 and three quarters, and she's all state track.
03:53She's the complete package.
03:54Michael, why have you thrown away all these cookies?
03:58I'm weak. I can't have them around tempting me.
04:02And no more French food in the house, okay? It's all butter and fat.
04:05He's ethno-cleansing our kitchen.
04:07Here's your stuff, Pamela. You're looking good.
04:10Hardly old enough to be the mother of a boy who's about to crunch, crunch, crunch it up.
04:15Really? Tonight?
04:16We're not talking about that.
04:18Okay. I mean, that's no big deal. You know. It's not your first time at a rodeo.
04:22It is his first time with Stacy.
04:25I remember the first time your mother and I made love. It was Halloween. She was dressed as a sexy
04:30cat.
04:32Hot. A little cliche.
04:33Yeah, he was the tin man. He kept asking me to oil him.
04:36And yet another holiday ruined by one of your sex stories.
04:39Oh! We did things to one another. Things that should have made me never want to look her in the
04:43eye again.
04:44But the next morning, I wanted to spend the rest of the day with her.
04:48I mean, we went to brunch.
04:52Oh.
04:52Which, as you know, I consider to be the dumbest meal of the week.
04:55Brunch, my boys. That's how you know you have a winner.
05:00It's not a complicated thing to follow. Maybe as simple as your smile.
05:16There he is!
05:18Wow! His jaw could cut glass and his hair could stop a bullet. He'd be very useful in an emergency.
05:25Stacy, we're gonna pick you up here after the concert at 1130 sharp.
05:28Guys, I can just take the bus home in the morning. It's no problem.
05:31No. We came as a family. We'll leave as a family.
05:34Let him see the gold. You have the ass of a Boy Scout in the eyes of that hot little
05:39slut on the cover of National Geographic.
05:41You're ready.
05:43Gavin!
05:45Hey.
05:46Hey!
05:48Oh, my stars!
05:49Oh!
05:53You nailed that dude.
05:54We really should make sure he's alright, but we are kind of late for Dave Matthews.
05:57Stacy, you'll take care of him, right?
06:00Hi, Gavin.
06:02Bye.
06:05Bye.
06:06Bye.
06:15So, welcome back to the city.
06:17Thanks.
06:17This date's going even better than our first one, huh?
06:20Well, you haven't thrown up yet.
06:21The night is young.
06:23So what now?
06:25Well, the New York thing to do would be to slowly walk away and then tweet about it.
06:29Hey, do we really have to fill this all out?
06:31Because we're sort of in a rush and we're gonna lose our dinner reservation.
06:35Oh, God. Did I just sound like Donald Trump?
06:37I wish.
06:38They'd hold a reservation for Trump.
06:43Wow.
06:44I've never seen so many of the same kind of white people before.
06:47Smells like somebody dropped an underarm bomb all in a patchouli factory.
06:51I wonder how Stacy's doing.
06:53You know, she can fall for guys too fast and it turns out to be a horrible mistake.
06:57Yeah, but one time in a billion, it turns out to be a beautiful mistake.
07:00That's why we play the game, Glenn.
07:02Okay.
07:03I got the tickets, but I gotta warn you.
07:05A Dave Matthews concert adds like a door to a second life and you can either be reborn as a
07:09golden god or emerge a misshapen runt.
07:11It's all how you pass through the birth canal.
07:14Punch me straight in the girl cave.
07:16Is that Dave Coaches?
07:17Is he a roadie for DMV?
07:19That is awesome.
07:20That guy repulses me like hot mayonnaise.
07:22Thank God you ended it last year.
07:25Mostly.
07:26What can I say?
07:27That relationship lingered like a fart in a foam pillow.
07:29Just hang on.
07:30Why don't you just go talk to him?
07:31See if he can get us backstage.
07:33Brian, no!
07:34Sorry, Brian.
07:34That man is crack cocaine with a beautiful wiener.
07:37If I even just look into his eyes too long, I could get hooked on that pipe again.
07:41I completely understand.
07:42I still say we roll the dice.
07:48Okay, great.
07:50Fantastic.
07:51They gave away our reservation.
07:53It's okay.
07:53I don't need a fancy meal.
07:55The bicyclist gave me one of his energy bars, so I'm good.
07:57Okay.
07:58Um, well now we can, uh, shoot.
08:01Um...
08:01Crapsicle.
08:02Oh.
08:03I'm gonna have to meet my mom and Brian in not that long now.
08:07I'm sorry.
08:08I really wanted this to be a nice night.
08:11Uh...
08:11Okay, new plan.
08:12I cook for you.
08:13I have red wine, and I've heard that my bolognese sauce is...
08:18Great.
08:19Yeah?
08:19Well, what kind of pasta do you like?
08:20Doesn't matter.
08:21I'm not hungry.
08:22Oh, right.
08:23Because you had that energy bar.
08:25That's not what I meant.
08:28Oh.
08:30Um...
08:30Well, I am also not hungry.
08:32Great.
08:33So, shall we go?
08:34Yes.
08:35I don't say shall a lot, but I'm trying to impress you.
08:36Yeah.
08:42Nice job.
08:43Wow.
08:44Hey, you, uh, cut your hair?
08:46Doctor's orders.
08:47I had to shave all over after what you gave me.
08:51Oh!
08:52Be careful, Mommy!
08:54What?
08:55Nothing.
08:55Just keep walking.
08:56You better hope that we don't get any showers, cause this one ain't got no raincoats.
09:00What is he talking about?
09:01Sure, you know, the weather here has been really crazy, but I'm just around the corner.
09:05Hey, excuse me.
09:05Did Lucy Cash finish the 400 yet?
09:07Yeah.
09:08Fine.
09:08Does anyone know if the St. Celine's girls' track meet is finished yet?
09:12Anyone?
09:15Oh, no, no, no.
09:16I'm not gonna do anything else.
09:17Put those back.
09:18Put those back.
09:19They are calorie bombs.
09:20You're killing me.
09:22Weird.
09:24Uh, hi.
09:25This is Stacy.
09:26Hi.
09:26Good night.
09:28Well, hello, Mrs. Stacy.
09:29Nice to meet you.
09:31I mean, she's very pretty.
09:33Isn't she my goodness?
09:34Beautiful.
09:35Yeah, she is.
09:35You are very cute.
09:36And your skin?
09:37Are you kidding with that skin?
09:40It's like a ripe piece of fruit.
09:42You look like one of those porcelain dolls they find in the homes of serial killers.
09:46Okay.
09:46Uh, Stacy's mom and uncle are picking her up really soon, so feel free to keep eating trash
09:50and talking about her body on your own.
09:52Okay?
09:52Your family is in town?
09:53Yeah.
09:54Text them.
09:54Invite them to come over.
09:56You know what?
09:56We'll do that later.
09:57Bye.
09:59No, no, no, no.
10:00No, no, no, no, no, no.
10:01Yes.
10:02Yes.
10:03Just text them now.
10:04I really...
10:05I'm texting him.
10:06Yeah.
10:06Text him.
10:12I sent it.
10:13Okay.
10:14Very good.
10:14All set.
10:15Okay.
10:15We'll see you in a little bit then.
10:16Bye, Stacy.
10:17Bye.
10:20So, those are the people who made me and who I might end up being like.
10:23Be nice now.
10:30Now Stacy wants us to pick her up at Gavin's house.
10:33His parents want to meet us?
10:36Oh, this is really zooming along.
10:39Yeah.
10:40Great.
10:40I'm kind of watching this develop right now.
10:42Look, Dave, Brian wants to go backstage.
10:45Can you get us in or not?
10:46Yeah.
10:46I can get you backstage.
10:48You let me go backstage.
10:50Are you kidding?
10:51Not after what you did in my green room.
10:52Hey, it's rock and roll.
10:54Things get broken.
10:54Nice try, Dave.
10:56For you, I'll do it for a kiss.
10:57It's not gonna happen.
10:59You know me.
10:59I'm like Vlad the Impaler.
11:00When I burn down a village, I don't turn back to look at the flames.
11:03How are you gonna get your marshmallows toasted, Nessa?
11:12So is there anything you like?
11:14Um, I like it all.
11:15I like the whole shebang.
11:16Are you anything I should know?
11:18Any allergies?
11:19I'm pretty normal.
11:19I'm okay with dirty talk.
11:21Just no baby voices and no grandpa voices.
11:23Okay, how about robot voices?
11:26Don't ruin it.
11:28Um, I'm okay with a little of this or this.
11:30I just really don't like this.
11:32Who likes that?
11:33You'd be surprised.
11:35Oh, do you like this?
11:38Nessa, no!
11:40Hi, I'm Gwen.
11:41Hi.
11:41I hate it.
11:44I hate it.
11:45I hate it.
11:46I'm sorry.
11:47You got a kiss?
11:48We're in.
11:49Woo!
11:58Woo!
11:59Hey, um, hey, do you have a thingy?
12:02Huh?
12:03You know, an adult balloon you can only make one animal out of?
12:06Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
12:07Shoot, I just have to go get one,
12:09but I will be right back and just don't fall asleep
12:12or start binge-watching Friday Night Lens or anything.
12:15It's okay.
12:16Ow!
12:17Oh-ho-ho-ho!
12:18That's the first man I've kissed in eight years.
12:21My uterus clenched up like a fist.
12:23Thanks, Quint.
12:24You're aces.
12:24You really took a bullet from me.
12:26Right in the mouth.
12:27Yes!
12:28Woo!
12:29Backstage with Dave!
12:31Music!
12:32Yeah!
12:32All access.
12:35Yes!
12:40No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
12:44No!
12:47Dave!
12:52Oh!
12:52Ah!
12:53God!
12:54Oh!
12:59Psh!
13:01What the hell are you doing here?
13:03I'm going sideways, dude!
13:04Lucy Sassner track coach and got grounded.
13:07You don't want to hear my story right now.
13:08Yeah, you know, not the second.
13:10Can I get a condom?
13:10All right, you're making it happen, man.
13:14Welcome to the Love Locker.
13:19Ooh, this one's made for you.
13:21Not literally, I didn't get your measurements and send them to a tailor in Hong Kong.
13:24Oh!
13:25This one is banana-flavored, right here.
13:29I ate these as snacks sometimes.
13:30I don't even have enough blood in my brain to understand what you're saying, so I'm in
13:34a rush.
13:35Like your attitude, man.
13:36You're going for it!
13:37Man, I give up too easy.
13:38I mean, Lucy's dad can't keep her from me.
13:41I don't think.
13:41Maybe I should make it happen, too.
13:43Yes.
13:43Yeah, you know what?
13:44Go for it.
13:45Go.
13:45Go with God.
13:46Good luck.
13:47Do it!
13:48Oh, I need a condom.
13:57Hey, Nessa.
13:59Guess where I am?
14:00In Gavin's bed, halfway to Hades.
14:03You're good.
14:03Well, heads up.
14:05Looks like we're going to be getting there ahead of schedule.
14:07Like when?
14:08Assuming your uncle can't sweet-talk security.
14:1220 minutes, maybe half an hour.
14:14Get to work.
14:15N-Nessa.
14:25Gav?
14:33Avocado, Pam?
14:34What?
14:34Too exotic for the yokels?
14:36This is like the eclair of hand fruits I'm trying to tighten up.
14:39Enough.
14:40You're skinnier than I am.
14:41It's about health, not weight.
14:43I'm fitter than you.
14:43I have more tone and definition, but you're skinnier.
14:46Oh, please.
14:46I bet my skirts would fit you better than they fit me.
14:50How much?
14:5150 bucks?
14:52Yeah.
14:52And if I win, um, brownies.
14:56Trays and trays of brownies.
14:58Ooh.
15:01Okay.
15:02What are you doing?
15:03I hope you like plaid.
15:09I'll bet if you spin that fast enough we can hear Bourne to run.
15:13Oh.
15:15Okay.
15:21Uh, look, um, we don't have to rush, okay?
15:25I-I really like you and our first time should be special.
15:30And we can always do this some other time.
15:32We don't have to try to beat the clock.
15:35I really like you two.
15:37But, um, my mom is gonna be here in 20 minutes now.
15:41So, can we make it special and fast?
15:43Tell you what, you make it special, I'll make it fast.
15:47Big misunderstanding.
15:49Okay.
15:50Nessa.
15:51Gwen.
15:52Let's go.
15:56Luce!
15:58Lucy!
16:01It must have passed me by.
16:05The time I had to play.
16:08Just leaving me with wine.
16:11Ow!
16:15Ow!
16:17Ow!
16:18Ow!
16:18Ow!
16:19Ow!
16:19Ow!
16:21Ow!
16:23Ow!
16:23Ow!
16:24Ow!
16:25Ow!
16:26Ow!
16:28Ow!
16:29Ow!
16:30Ow!
16:32Ow!
16:32Ow!
16:32I love you!
16:34I was like, thank you.
16:35Lucy's not right for me.
16:37Is she?
16:38No, she is not right for you.
16:39Where's my pliers?
16:40The zipper on this thing is stuck.
16:41Did you get stuck in the lining?
16:43Let me see.
16:43I don't know.
16:43That's lining.
16:44Don't.
16:45Is that them already?
16:46Why are they here so early?
16:49Here, Archie.
16:50Sure is.
16:51Hi.
16:52Come on in.
16:52Hi, I'm Vanessa.
16:53I'm a friend of Stacey's.
16:54Hello.
16:55Come on, come on.
16:57Oh, great.
16:58It's you.
16:59Yep.
17:00I'm Pam.
17:01And this is my husband, Michael.
17:04Oh.
17:04You must be Stacey's parents.
17:06I'm Gwen, Stacey's mom.
17:08And this is Brian, my dead husband's brother.
17:11Great to meet you.
17:12Am I yelling?
17:13I am.
17:14I can tell by looking at your face.
17:16You're yelling.
17:17I know.
17:18I got electrocuted.
17:19I need to recalibrate.
17:23You're dressed like a lady.
17:25Oh.
17:26That's just...
17:27We had a bet.
17:28It's...
17:28It's a silly story.
17:30He has an eating disorder.
17:31False.
17:33So, where's Gavin and my little girl?
17:35Downstairs in our apartment doing it.
17:38Whoops.
17:39I should not have said that.
17:41I've been drinking.
17:43Snitch.
17:45I think I'll finish this in the backyard.
17:50When he says doing it, does that mean the same thing in the city?
17:54Because in the country, it means...
17:58It means doing it.
18:00Yeah.
18:00Would you excuse me for just a minute?
18:03Uh...
18:03Okay.
18:04I'm gonna go make a phone call.
18:07Come on.
18:10Now, do you know how long they're gonna be?
18:11Because we actually have a long drive home.
18:15We have a long drive home.
18:16Well, he's been single for quite some time.
18:19Should be quick.
18:21Be quick.
18:23Heads up!
18:25Mother incoming!
18:26Don't come in here.
18:27Hi, Stacey.
18:29Uh...
18:30Hiya.
18:30Okay, everybody said hi, so...
18:33Get out.
18:34FYI.
18:35Stacey's family is waiting in our apartment.
18:37So, if you think this is awkward, you should see it up there.
18:41So, towel off and get moving.
18:43Okay.
18:48It's just under the wire.
18:50Buzzard feeder.
18:50Mm-hmm.
19:01Mm-hmm.
19:04Mm-hmm.
19:05Mm-hmm.
19:05Mm-hmm.
19:05Mm-hmm.
19:08I'm having a sugar rush.
19:10Who wants to see how high I can jump?
19:12Nobody.
19:12I do.
19:13Hi.
19:14Hi, everybody.
19:15Sorry, we were just watching a movie.
19:19I hope you got to finish
19:23Oh, alcohol
19:24Take a sip
19:25Hey, have a brownie
19:27No thanks, I think I'm going to save room for brunch
19:31Really?
19:33That's great
19:38Is that a skirt?
19:40Yes it is
19:42Okay, well
19:43It's time to go
19:45Yes, we have to beat that pre-dawn Amish butter run
19:49Nessa, your back is covered in mud
19:52I know, I slipped
19:54Alright, Stace?
19:56Yeah, alright
19:57Oh, here, I'll put this
19:59Let me
20:03Your girl's happy, well
20:06Yeah
20:07Well, maybe he's that one-in-a-billion beautiful mistake
20:12We'll see
20:19What?
20:21You slipped
20:23Oh, here
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