- 4 days ago
Us & Them (2014) Season 1 Episode 3
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TVTranscript
00:01Just get it done and just do it.
00:04Do it!
00:07Bite down.
00:11Oh, thanks.
00:16Little help, please?
00:21Perfect, thank you.
00:23Hey, Carol, quick question.
00:24Would you sleep with my husband?
00:27Wait, Carol?
00:29Oh, I think I meant Caroline.
00:35Strip.
00:40My tooth.
00:41I think if you put it in milk, they can save it.
00:44I don't think they can save this.
00:55All right, I'm all set to go to Dillsburg.
00:57I got you on the GPS, and I even satellite imaged you.
01:00Wow, I feel flattered.
01:02And a little invaded.
01:04Kind of like when Dr. Meehan compliments me during a gyno exam.
01:07Hmm.
01:08So anyway, listen, I was thinking maybe I could come to Brooklyn.
01:12I could hop on a bus, no problem.
01:14No, it's my turn.
01:15I'm psyched to see where you live.
01:16Stacy, is Gavin normal, or do I have to go to Harrisburg to get some of that city milk
01:21that doesn't have any milk in it?
01:25Um, oh.
01:27Oh, dear.
01:29Does or does not your Wi-Fi fly like an eagle right now?
01:33It does.
01:34Bet your ass it does.
01:35You're streaming Brazilian butt porn in one window and Danish soccer in the other.
01:39I got you wired to the nips, man.
01:41So why are you firing me?
01:42Because you ate every single one of my chicken strips.
01:44Oh.
01:46I thought they were being offered as a professional courtesy.
01:49But what about the money you owe me?
01:51The money I owe you?
01:53Oh, yeah.
01:53Yeah, it's $1.50.
01:55$3.
01:56Extra crispy.
01:57That's your bonus.
02:00This is all dark meat.
02:07Stay back, Stacy.
02:09This beast has a hell of a temper.
02:11Okay, what's going on?
02:12You got that nervous, gassy face.
02:14I don't know.
02:15I'm excited for Gavin to come, but the town's white trashy.
02:19My family's nuts.
02:20They got that dead elk off the interstate, right?
02:23Not all of it, but the Ravens should take care of the rest.
02:25Look, Stacy, Dillsburg's a gaping infected gash, but it's our gash.
02:32Wear it like a badge of honor, like those mutants from Chernobyl showing off their gills.
02:36I know.
02:36I love it here.
02:37It's just I don't want it to freak Gavin out.
02:40So what are you going to do?
02:41Put him in the root cellar?
02:42Pretty much.
02:42I'll just make sure he only sees the good stuff.
02:45Listen, Stacy, you can put a hat on a horse, but it still dumps in the street.
02:49Sometimes the hat makes it happen faster.
02:51Well, this horse is just going to hold it in all weekend long.
02:56All right, Gwen.
02:58Let's see if she works.
03:00Fire in the hole!
03:03It's doing the opposite of flushing.
03:07Now, Gavin, listen.
03:08I don't want you urinating in any ponds.
03:11There's this spiny little fish that swims right up the peace stream and into your fireman.
03:16Got fired again.
03:17Coming to Dillsburg.
03:18Uh, no, you're not.
03:19Dude, I've completely lost my mojo.
03:21I'm unemployed.
03:22Lucy and I are finished.
03:24Life is attacking me like an angry swan.
03:27Swans are vicious.
03:27Look it up.
03:28Come on, man.
03:29I gotta get out of Dodge.
03:31Okay, fine.
03:31I'll text Stacy.
03:32We'll figure it out.
03:33Just don't Archie me, okay?
03:35Please, be cool.
03:37I'm all of a fool.
03:38When you get down there, make sure the mom likes you.
03:41When I started off on the wrong foot with your grandmother, she almost shut it down before
03:44we got going.
03:45Yeah, she still doesn't like you.
03:46Yeah, but now I'm in too deep.
03:47My tentacles are everywhere.
03:49I pay for her nursing home.
03:51I won.
03:52Congratulations.
03:52Car keys?
03:53Listen to me.
03:53Do not get cute with any truck drivers.
03:55They will run you right off the road.
03:57They have nothing to lose.
03:57I have no families.
03:58Are you sure they have families?
04:00Not real ones.
04:00Only baby mamas in every city.
04:02You warned about the penis fish, right?
04:03Yeah.
04:09Hey, sweetie.
04:10Hey.
04:10Hey, we're going out to the farmer's market on Route 6.
04:12You want anything?
04:13No, thanks.
04:13But listen, I was thinking, when Gavin gets here, I want you guys to, you know, act normal.
04:20Normal?
04:21Young lady, I always act normal.
04:23And your Uncle Brian has been doing so much better since he switched to the looser shoes.
04:27Who knew?
04:28Those bunions were literally driving me crazy.
04:30That's kind of what I'm talking about.
04:32I just want everything to go well.
04:34I really like Gavin.
04:36Don't worry, muffin.
04:37We'll bring you back a nice ripe squash.
04:39Fresh produce is very calming.
04:41And if that doesn't work, try flip-flops.
04:42They saved my life.
04:49The further we get from the city, the more I can feel my sexy powers increasing.
04:54I'm definitely going to hook up.
04:55Maybe you'll get to milk a cow, which, when you think about it, is basically getting the
04:59second base with a farm animal.
05:01Why don't you save some of that great bestiality material from when you're trying to impress
05:04Stacy's mom?
05:07Okay, I think I'm good.
05:09I threw away a weird quilt and that photo of me winning the blue ribbon for Scooby, so...
05:12That pig was your best friend.
05:14And delicious.
05:15I know, but I'm trying to showcase a more sophisticated me than the me who would have a pig for
05:20a friend
05:21and a friend for a meal.
05:23Oh, they're here!
05:23Great.
05:25You brought the other one.
05:27Hi.
05:28Hi!
05:29You made it!
05:30Yeah.
05:35All right.
05:36Yeah.
05:37Great.
05:38Got my underwear.
05:41Got my underwear.
05:47So, this is, uh, D to the Illsberg.
05:51It's a nice house.
05:53It's like a house house.
05:55And you have a yard and hedges.
05:58Hey!
06:00Everybody's here!
06:01Hi, boys!
06:02Hi, Gavin!
06:03Hello, Archie!
06:04Good to see you guys again.
06:06You missed a terrific farmer's market.
06:08They had a livestock auction.
06:10Archie, do you have any idea how much bull semen costs these days?
06:14Uh, how much?
06:15Oh, you know what they say.
06:16If you have to ask.
06:18So, should I put my stuff in Stacy's room?
06:21Certainly not.
06:22We may have put up new siding last year, but this isn't some sort of fancy New York City brothel.
06:27Mom!
06:28Oh, I wasn't trying to...
06:28In this home, our gentleman friends sleep on the couch.
06:31Couch is great.
06:33Love a couch.
06:36I also love your ride, Mrs. Pearson.
06:38May I try it?
06:40No, she's not used to strangers.
06:43But just be careful with her.
06:46Gavin.
06:48Um, so where am I sleeping?
06:50You're with me.
06:51Prepare to feel pampered, like you're at the Y.
06:56Wow.
06:57That's really powerful.
06:59Whoa!
07:00Whoa!
07:00Whoa!
07:01Break, break, break, break!
07:02Where are the brakes?
07:05I'm all right!
07:07I'm good!
07:14Sorry again about the ATV and the lawn furniture and the wall.
07:19Well, that's why we used to have insurance.
07:23Anyway, this is my hobby room.
07:27I call it the Fortress of Craftitude.
07:29I'm currently working on a series of snowmen candle holders.
07:33I call this one three-ball McGraw.
07:36My mom and her projects.
07:38Okay.
07:41This is my bedroom, and this is Stacy's.
07:45It is off-limits to gentlemen callers, as always.
07:50When Stacy was little, we used to knock goodnight to each other before we went to sleep.
08:00So, what's the game plan tonight?
08:02I'm down for anything.
08:04I'm going to cook you a hearty country meal, and then we'll watch a movie.
08:07Or it is karaoke night at the Blind Alley.
08:11Karaoke?
08:11Are you serious?
08:13What's funny about that?
08:14It's our favorite night of the month.
08:15No, nothing's funny about it.
08:18I just, I, karaoke is what you said.
08:20I don't think we're going to go, Mom.
08:22We're just going to lay low.
08:24But, honey, we sing together.
08:26And now Nessa can get us discount drinks.
08:28Yep.
08:28I'm bartending every other Saturday night.
08:30And whenever Wayne's in the drunk tank.
08:32I know, but, um, Gavin doesn't want to do karaoke, do you, Gav?
08:38Uh, no.
08:40I mean, it's not really my thing.
08:42That's fine.
08:43We all have our things.
08:46And this one just isn't yours.
08:49Well, you kids have fun.
08:50Thanks, Mom.
08:51I have some.
08:57Three Ball had an accident.
09:00So, is this me?
09:01Not quite.
09:02I'm in the big hog, and you are riding sidecar.
09:08Heads up, I'm a bit of a night squirmer.
09:10Sometimes I fall out of bed.
09:12You're kidding, right?
09:12No.
09:14No, I'm not.
09:14But don't worry.
09:15Worst comes to worst, we'll just 96 each other.
09:19That's a term I invented.
09:21It means sleeping back to back, head to toe.
09:23I hear that's how Mr. and Mrs. Travolta sleep.
09:30All that trucker talk with Gavin got me thinking, you know, when you're young like he is, think
09:35you're invincible.
09:36You never lose your hair.
09:38But the truth is, everything can go away in an instant.
09:42Or gradually, as was the case with your hair.
09:45If anything happens to me, the important papers are in my desk, in an envelope marked the day
09:50the music died.
09:51Okay, I get it.
09:52Can you just please stop?
09:53Also, I don't want you to sleep with anybody else.
09:56What?
09:57Sorry, it's been on my mind.
09:59Well, fair enough.
10:00Then if I die first, you can't sleep with anyone either.
10:02That feels a little different.
10:04Mm-hmm.
10:05Fine.
10:06But no one I work with.
10:07Okay.
10:08Then you can't do it with any of my friends.
10:10Done.
10:13I think I'm kind of blowing it with Stacy's mom.
10:15I've never seen anyone dislike you before.
10:18It's kind of refreshing.
10:19You thought I was going to mess things up.
10:21You arched yourself.
10:22Yeah, thanks.
10:23Ah, you win her over.
10:25You always do.
10:26Where's all that sweet country tale, man?
10:29I feel like a pioneer arriving in Oklahoma wondering where the hell the ocean is.
10:32There is no way I'm letting Gavin go to karaoke night.
10:35It's like Duck Dynasty in there, except the ducks smoke meth and mom dances in that.
10:40Hoochie dress.
10:41You know Gavin's just going to run for the hills.
10:44Who are you kidding?
10:46I've seen you in dresses with half as much fabric and twice as much Hoochie.
10:51Did you know that Archie's got his own personal website?
10:54It's been under construction since 2009.
10:58Oh, that kid is a comer.
11:00So, what do you think?
11:02Wow, you look like Lady Gaga.
11:07Hey, wow.
11:09Mom, that looks so nice.
11:11Maybe with a cardigan or a horse blanket.
11:14No way.
11:14You look like a sexy ostrich.
11:16Well, thank you.
11:17Hello?
11:18Hey, what's the name of that piano teacher you used to have?
11:20Ms. Burke?
11:21That's it.
11:22When you die, I'm going to sleep with Ms. Burke.
11:24Fine.
11:25Then when you die, I'm not going to bury your body next to your mother.
11:28I'll have her bones moved.
11:31Too far, Pam.
11:32I don't have time for this right now.
11:34Dad, feel free to bang my piano teacher and Mom have fun digging up Grandma's dead body.
11:43That's the wrong number.
11:45Oh, look.
11:46I fixed three-ball McGraw.
11:49See?
11:50Good as new.
11:55Stacy, are you really not going to karaoke at the bar tonight?
11:59Because if you're not going, I'm not going.
12:01No, Mom.
12:01I told you.
12:02Gavin and I have plans.
12:03We are staying here.
12:04Oh, really?
12:05It's a lot of fun.
12:06They've got a dog who drinks beer.
12:09Actually, I think that dog might be dead.
12:11All right, there's a bar.
12:12Let's go.
12:13I'm trying to meet some local honeys.
12:15I am missing one of my favorite nights, thanks to you.
12:17I almost feel like crying.
12:20Flame fire!
12:21Flame fire!
12:28We're clear.
12:29We're clear.
12:29I am so sorry.
12:32First, you ruin my house.
12:34Then, you ruin my night.
12:36Then, you ruin my house again?
12:40Maybe we should just go to karaoke.
12:43Oh, fine.
12:45We can go, okay?
12:46Are you happy now?
12:47Yes!
12:48I'll go get my tiara.
12:52Stand back real quick.
12:55Clear.
13:00Wow.
13:01This is it, huh?
13:02The crown jewel of central Pennsylvania?
13:04Yeah.
13:05I can't believe it beat out the smelting museum.
13:07Governance using cell phone towers to read our thoughts!
13:11Okay, time to go.
13:12And I am keeping your keys, Mr. Mayor.
13:15The mayor of Congress is robots!
13:17Yep, sure.
13:18I'm going to the bathroom.
13:19Could you please get us some drinks?
13:21Lots and lots of drinks.
13:30Remember when I told you I thought I was blowing it?
13:32I'm definitely blowing it.
13:34I lost the mom.
13:35I lost the mom.
13:37Yeah, give me one second.
13:38Hi, Archie from Brooklyn.
13:41You couldn't handle that one anyway.
13:43She broke the mechanical bull we used to have.
13:45Great.
13:46They can smell the stink of the feet on me.
13:48I'm painted, Gav.
13:49You'll catch a lot more flies with honey, my friend.
13:53Actually, you'll catch a lot more flies with decaying meat, but that is not a viable dating strategy.
13:57Come with me.
13:58Let's game play.
14:01Are you ready for our number, sweetie?
14:03No, I'm not singing, Mom.
14:05Why not?
14:06You have such a lovely tone.
14:09Give me a high.
14:10Sweet!
14:12Stop.
14:12Isn't it enough that you've dragged me and Gavin here?
14:15This is totally embarrassing.
14:17Oh, really?
14:19And what else is embarrassing to Mr. Gavin?
14:23Am I embarrassing?
14:27Well, a little...
14:34I don't get it.
14:36I'm the balls.
14:38Let your new wingman handle it.
14:41Excuse me.
14:42Hi, this is my friend Archie.
14:45Now, I know what you're thinking.
14:46Archie's the runt of the litter, and he is.
14:48But us runts, we have to fight harder to get at the teat.
14:51But once we do, by God, we suck for dear life.
14:55My advice?
14:57Give this little piggy a chance.
15:07What's the quickest way to get drunk?
15:09Shake hands with an Irishman.
15:12I'm part Irish, and my grandmother died of the sickness.
15:16Okay, first up, you guys ready to start?
15:18Gwynne Pearson, where are you, Queen Gwynne?
15:21Let's do it.
15:21Not tonight, Bobby.
15:23All right.
15:24Why aren't you singing?
15:26I'm not in the mood.
15:28Besides, it's a duet, and I don't have a partner.
15:30Because apparently I'm embarrassing.
15:33Well, I'll sing with you.
15:34That's okay.
15:35I'm just gonna sit here and quietly molt.
15:40No, I want to.
15:41I can sing.
15:43I mean, not great, and I sometimes make weird faces, but I'll sing with you.
15:49For reals, reals?
15:50Yeah.
15:51Um, Bobby?
15:52Yes?
15:52Queen Gwynne is ready to take the throne.
15:54All right!
15:54Come on up!
15:55Queen Gwynne, everybody!
15:57Kick it in.
15:57Kick it in.
16:00Okay, well, when I die, I don't want you to get a dog.
16:03Why not?
16:03Because Gavin and I have wanted a dog forever, and you always say no.
16:07As soon as you're dead, you know what I'm doing?
16:09I'm going to Australia.
16:11Australia?
16:12That's my dream.
16:13You always said you couldn't handle the flight.
16:15I'll take a tranquilizer.
16:17Good night, bitch.
16:21Give me a shot in a beer, Ness.
16:23Or better yet, just give me a beer and shoot me.
16:25Everything I didn't want to happen tonight is happening.
16:27Well, it's not so bad.
16:30Stadies just did a sweep, so most of the pervs are gone.
16:35Oh, dear God.
16:38No!
16:39Baby, when I met you, there was peace unknown.
16:44I set out to get you with a fine-tooth comb.
16:48I was soft inside.
16:51There was something going on.
16:58You do something to me that I can't explain.
17:03Hold me closer and I feel no pain.
17:08Every beat of my heart, we got something going on.
17:14Orleans in the stream, that is what we are.
17:19Sparks, those two are giving off, are going to turn this place into a blazing death inferno.
17:24God, it's romantic.
17:25Come tomorrow, she's going to want to scrub herself down with a lice-soaked barbecue brush.
17:35You guys rock!
17:37You guys suck it!
17:40Why don't you be quiet?
17:41Why don't you shut your pretty little face before I have to come over there and shut it for you?
17:45Look, I'm sorry.
17:46I don't want any trouble.
17:47It's been a long day.
17:55Oh, I'm losing sight of you.
17:59Oh, let him work it out.
18:00Don't break it up, Brian.
18:01I wasn't going to.
18:02Get her, Stace!
18:03Punch her in the stupid face!
18:06Kick her in the boobs!
18:08Show her hands!
18:09Show her out!
18:11Stace, Stace.
18:14You okay?
18:17Oh, come on.
18:18No one's even bleeding.
18:20Oh, this isn't right.
18:25The show must go on!
18:27Hey!
18:28Do the love, do the love, do the love, do the love, do the love.
18:35Kiss her arms, kiss her chest, kick the matter.
18:38Do the love, do the love, do the love, do the love, do the love.
18:45Do the love, do the love, do the love, do the love, do the love, do the love, do the
18:51love, do the love.
18:52Ah, what's up, dudes?
18:54For a shame, Rachel.
18:56Come, put your bonnet on among the English.
18:59You're Amish?
19:01Sweet!
19:02It's on my bucket list.
19:07Stace?
19:08Hey.
19:10Ooh.
19:11You okay?
19:12I can't believe you saw that.
19:15It's humiliating, I can only imagine what you're thinking.
19:19I'm thinking that this town is a teeny bit sketchy, and the bar is a little trashy, and you, you're
19:28amazing.
19:31Really?
19:32Hell yeah.
19:34And not just because you fight like a caged tiger on PCP.
19:38Oh, I'm not normally like that, I swear.
19:42It's just sometimes I am, so...
19:45Well, I'd like to think that if someone dissed my mom, or you, that I'd do the same thing.
20:02We should all get out of here.
20:04Now.
20:17Oh, I'd like to think that this town is a little trashy, and I'd like to think that this town
20:21is a little trashy, and I don't want you to die without doing the things you like.
20:24Does this mean I can buy a cigarette boat?
20:26No, but it does mean that I can probably handle a flight to Australia.
20:31Yeah, what would you say?
20:32Next year, you know, you and Gavin and I, we all go down under.
20:36Really?
20:36Yeah.
20:37That's great, Pammy.
20:39How about the dog?
20:40You'd have a better shot with the boat.
20:43Brian, my man, I definitely got my mojo back.
20:46I played strip pool and sucked face with an Amish girl.
20:50Oh, that's like two regular girls.
20:53Proud of you, buddy.
20:58Good night, partner.
20:59Thanks for everything.
21:00It was a pleasure singing with you.
21:03Same here, Gwen.
21:05And sorry about before, Mom.
21:06You could never embarrass me.
21:08That's okay, Button.
21:10I'll see you guys in the AM.
21:12I'm going to go change.
21:14This thong is splitting me in two.
21:19That's my mom.
21:24That's my little girl.
21:39I'm going to go change.
21:44I'm going to go change.
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