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00:00:01This program is rated TV MAL and contains strong language and adult content. Viewer discretion is advised.
00:00:14This is the Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber.
00:00:21With your Roastmaster Kevin Hart
00:00:25And starring Shaquille O'Neal
00:00:27Jeff Ross
00:00:31Natasha Leggero
00:00:33Chris D'Elia
00:00:36Pete Davidson
00:00:40Snoop Dogg
00:00:43Ludacris
00:00:47Martha Stewart
00:00:50And Hannibal Buress
00:01:07The Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber
00:01:12And now, please welcome your Roastmaster Kevin Hart
00:01:21Alright, hey. Y'all better clap.
00:01:29Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Kevin Hart and welcome to the Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber.
00:01:37Here's the thing, Justin Bieber has tens of millions of fans. I mean, most of them are either in middle
00:01:44schools or standing at least 500 feet away from one. I mean, it's the truth. I'm not saying anything that's
00:01:52not the truth. He's a worldwide superstar.
00:01:55There's even a wax figure of Justin at Madame Tussauds in London. It's incredibly lifelike. I've seen it. He's face
00:02:02down in a wax usher's lap. It's weird.
00:02:06That's a dick sucking joke. We off to the start. Yeah. It's gonna get dirty tonight.
00:02:14Tonight, here's the thing. Tonight, we're gonna do what his parents and the legal system should have done a long
00:02:19time ago.
00:02:20We're about to give this boy an ass whooping that he deserves. We are. We are.
00:02:27Why invite me if you don't want it to get ugly? I don't understand that.
00:02:30I mean, come on. We got the right dads to do it. We got Ludacris. We got my man Snoop
00:02:35Dogg.
00:02:36Shaq. This is crazy.
00:02:39Usually when I see this many brothers sitting together, Mari Pover just about to open the envelope. I've never seen
00:02:43anything like that.
00:02:46Shaq, take that dumbass look off your face. You look stupid.
00:02:54Here's my question. Shaq, how did you even end up on a roast? That's what I want to know.
00:02:59They must have called up the NBA pregame show and said, you know what? Send us the third funniest guy.
00:03:05Wait. He's unavailable? Send us Shaq. Let us get Shaq then.
00:03:11My man Snoop Dogg is here. There he is.
00:03:14Yeah. Wait, wait. Let me clear something up for all the young people here tonight.
00:03:20Uh, Snoop, Snoop Dogg is a rapper.
00:03:23Uh, yeah, that's my aunt's favorite rapper. You know...
00:03:31For all the black people that are confused about that old white woman on the couch, that's Martha Stewart.
00:03:37Yeah, right there. That's Martha Stewart right there.
00:03:42Martha, do me a favor and, uh, put your ankle bracelet on vibrate so we don't have no problems.
00:03:47Doing this show.
00:03:52But Martha, understand something. Tonight, it's about another blind bitch.
00:03:55It's about Justin Bieber. That's who we're talking about tonight.
00:03:58That's who we're talking about tonight.
00:04:00So now, why don't we do this? Why don't we go and take a look at this huge success
00:04:03that confuses everyone over the age 14.
00:04:05Royal security footage right now.
00:04:07Our next guest has a mind-boggling 80 million views on YouTube and he's only 15 years old.
00:04:14And I was like, baby, baby, baby.
00:04:17Oh, I thought you'd always be mine.
00:04:21I'm done.
00:04:23I saw you do it.
00:04:25Find me somebody to love.
00:04:27Justin Bieber is one of the biggest pop stars on the planet.
00:04:29I'd like you to welcome my brother to the stage. He goes by the name of Justin Bieber.
00:04:33Justin Bieber.
00:04:34Justin Bieber.
00:04:35I love you so much.
00:04:38Speeding down the 101 freeway, pop star Justin Bieber was stopped by police.
00:04:42The boyfriend singer had just returned home from an overseas concert tour
00:04:46when he began racing his Ferrari through the streets.
00:04:48If I was your boyfriend, never let you go.
00:04:53I think about him 99% of my life.
00:04:56He was so angry.
00:04:58That was the most amazing moment of my life.
00:05:00Justin Bieber said that he hoped Anne Frank would have been a believer.
00:05:04That's right. I didn't make that up.
00:05:06I couldn't have made that up.
00:05:09If I was your boyfriend.
00:05:11How?
00:05:12Bieber could face battery charges after a physical altercation with a photographer.
00:05:17He was accused of throwing eggs at this mansion causing $20,000 in damage.
00:05:25Were they Faberge eggs?
00:05:27What did you throw?
00:05:31Bieber is facing multiple charges after a wild night in Miami Beach.
00:05:36DUI alcohol or drugs.
00:05:38Resisting without violence.
00:05:39Driving with an expired driver's license.
00:05:41You're too young to be smoking pot and driving up in the gather on the highway fast.
00:05:47What are you doing?
00:05:48What are you doing?
00:05:50Woo!
00:05:51I've done some things that might not have been the greatest.
00:05:54Really?
00:05:54Nothing comes to mind.
00:05:55I don't know what you're talking about.
00:05:56No, right?
00:05:59Justin Bieber has become the new face, or should we say body, of Calvin Klein.
00:06:06Yeah.
00:06:07My peepee's in there.
00:06:14The fanfare of what he is as a celebrity is only partial to what he ultimately will be as an
00:06:19artist.
00:06:20This is not the end of Justin Bieber.
00:06:21As long as you love me.
00:06:28Tonight, tonight we're going to talk about redemption.
00:06:34We're going to talk about second chances and third chances and fifteenth chances.
00:06:41Sometimes it can be hard to believe, but I'm not asking you all to believe.
00:06:46I'm asking you to believe.
00:06:49Yes.
00:06:50Yes.
00:06:50I'm asking you to believe in a man with the voice of Stevie Wonder and the driving skills of Stevie
00:06:58Wonder.
00:07:00My question to the church is, are you ready to believe?
00:07:06No.
00:07:07No, no, no.
00:07:08I'll ask again.
00:07:10I said, are you ready to believe?
00:07:16Are you ready to become believers?
00:07:22Then ladies and gentlemen, Justin Bieber.
00:07:28Cheers to them!
00:07:33Hard to believe.
00:07:34Yeah, hard to believe.
00:07:36We're gonna make a believer, a believer a believer.
00:07:40When you believe, when you leave, you will be down, way down from your finances.
00:07:46I've gonna be a believer until theĺŽ of God.
00:07:50Yeah.
00:07:50Self ob waving at the mountain time.
00:07:53That you believe, that you believe
00:07:56He's gonna make a believer, a believer I believe
00:07:59Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit
00:08:03We killed the white boy
00:08:06The white, watch out, watch out
00:08:08Let me through, Jesus, no
00:08:11Not like this
00:08:13Wait, wait, he's moving, he's moving
00:08:17He's gonna lie, he's gonna die
00:08:20You think it, I'm Justin Bieber, I'm never gonna die
00:08:24It's our show, I'm gonna show
00:08:27That you've got to, you've got to be
00:08:42Yeah, Justin Bieber, everybody
00:08:47Nice
00:08:49How you doing?
00:08:50I'm good
00:08:50You're good?
00:08:51Yeah
00:08:52That's good, I'm glad that you're good
00:08:54Here's the thing, before we get off to any roasting and any digging
00:08:57I want everybody to understand this
00:08:59Justin Bieber really does have it all, I'm serious
00:09:02He has a dick and a pussy
00:09:04Justin, stand up, pop that thing, one time
00:09:06Show him, give him that hermaphrodite twerk, one time
00:09:10I've seen it, no
00:09:12No
00:09:13Let's be honest, Justin, you made a few mistakes
00:09:15You're not perfect
00:09:17He's done some things
00:09:18Dude, you got caught peeing on a video in a mop bucket
00:09:24Why are these idiots who work for you taping you pissing?
00:09:27That's what I don't understand
00:09:28Like, when someone is filming you taking a piss
00:09:30If you don't want them to tape you, you turn around
00:09:32You say, turn the goddamn camera off
00:09:34Unless it's mandatory
00:09:35Like Snoop pissing in front of his parole officer
00:09:37That's different, Snoop
00:09:39That guy's got to see your dick
00:09:40I get it, don't worry about it
00:09:42That's a criminal joke to Snoop
00:09:44Because he's been to jail
00:09:49You want to cover a man's health
00:09:50He's in a lot of slack for taking his shirt off all the time
00:09:52I don't get it
00:09:53I don't understand that
00:09:54Justin, let me tell you something, man
00:09:55Okay, if you can take your shirt off
00:09:56You do it
00:09:57You do it as much as you goddamn can
00:10:00Seriously
00:10:00Look at Shaq
00:10:02Shaq hasn't taken his shirt off since high school
00:10:04Okay, that's a true story
00:10:05That's a true story right there
00:10:08Jeff Ross hasn't taken his shirt off since preschool
00:10:11True story
00:10:13Martha Stewart had his shirt off in my dressing room
00:10:17Stop, stop, stop
00:10:18Don't get the wrong idea
00:10:20She just wanted me to titty fuck her
00:10:22Yeah
00:10:26I'm sorry
00:10:26I'm sorry
00:10:27Stop
00:10:28I'm just trying to loosen y'all up
00:10:30I'm sorry
00:10:32Martha, I'm sorry
00:10:33I'm sorry
00:10:33Is that gonna affect me getting free sheets after this, Martha?
00:10:37Please
00:10:38I messed up my chance
00:10:39At getting free sheets
00:10:40Goddamn it, Kevin
00:10:43Me, personally
00:10:44I'm not mad
00:10:45I'm not mad at Justin
00:10:46I'm not
00:10:46I'm gonna tell you who I'm mad at
00:10:48I'm mad at his manager
00:10:49You, Scooter
00:10:50That's right
00:10:51Scooter Brown
00:10:52Right there
00:10:53Scooter is the man that actually discovered Justin Bieber
00:10:57Scooter Brown was 25 years old
00:10:59He was a single man living in Atlanta alone
00:11:02When he found Justin Bieber on the internet
00:11:04In the middle of the night
00:11:06The middle of the night
00:11:09He found a little white boy with nice hair
00:11:12On the internet
00:11:14Sounds to me like Scooter was fresh off a dick beating session if you ask me
00:11:20Now I don't know what Chris Hansen is
00:11:22But he missed one
00:11:24That's a goddamn predator if I've ever seen one right there
00:11:29Now Justin, unfortunately
00:11:30Selena Gomez, she couldn't be here tonight
00:11:33Um, no, she couldn't
00:11:35She couldn't
00:11:37Just because she didn't want to come
00:11:38There's no reason
00:11:39She just didn't want to
00:11:41She didn't want to be here
00:11:42I wish I had something better to tell you
00:11:44But I don't
00:11:47No, Selena
00:11:47Selena had got word
00:11:48That there was rumors of
00:11:50Justin dealing with Kendall Jenner
00:11:52And that shocked me
00:11:52I was like, what the fuck?
00:11:54That's what I said
00:11:55What the fuck?
00:11:57I was like, if you're gonna deal with a Jenner
00:11:59I thought it would be Bruce
00:12:00That's what I thought
00:12:01If it was
00:12:02Just one, I'm sorry
00:12:03That's the only one
00:12:03I swear to God
00:12:04Guys, no more
00:12:05There's no secret that Justin wants to be black
00:12:07Can we all agree on that?
00:12:08Justin loves the black culture
00:12:10Everybody knows that
00:12:12My thing is this
00:12:12Justin, I just want you to come to terms with the fact that you're not gangster
00:12:16That's Justin's main problem, man
00:12:17You're not a gangster
00:12:19Accept that
00:12:20All right
00:12:20Me, come on
00:12:21Orlando Bloom took a swing at you
00:12:22That's not gangster, Justin
00:12:25It's not
00:12:27He's got a perfume called girlfriend
00:12:29That's not gangster, Justin
00:12:33You threw eggs at a house
00:12:36Gangsters don't throw fucking eggs
00:12:37Snoop, when's the last time you threw eggs at somebody's goddamn house?
00:12:44We don't do that
00:12:46It's not gangster
00:12:50Justin, Justin sang the N-word on a video
00:12:53In a song that was about killing black people
00:12:57That's pretty goddamn gangster, Justin
00:12:59I'm gonna give you that
00:13:00That's as gangster as you get right there
00:13:03He actually got in a lot of trouble when he got caught saying the N-word on video
00:13:06That right there
00:13:07That should make you feel stupid
00:13:09Reason why I say that
00:13:10Because you know who didn't get caught, Justin?
00:13:12The billion other white people that say the N-word every goddamn day
00:13:15I'm talking about you, Martha
00:13:16I know you say it
00:13:19You're probably thinking it right now
00:13:21Look at that little nigga up there
00:13:23In his little nigga tux
00:13:27With his little nigga shoes
00:13:29Look at him
00:13:30Up there dancing
00:13:36Thankfully, Justin avoided the usual
00:13:39I guess you could say
00:13:41Former childhood mistakes
00:13:42You know
00:13:43He hasn't had a sex tape
00:13:44That's good for you
00:13:46He hasn't killed anyone
00:13:47You haven't bought a monkey
00:13:49Oh shit, you did
00:13:51You bought a monkey
00:13:53And you abandoned a monkey in Germany
00:13:55What the fuck was that?
00:13:57Like, you abandoned a monkey in Germany
00:13:59That was a privileged Beverly Hills monkey
00:14:02You showed him your lifestyle
00:14:04And then you dropped him off in Germany?
00:14:07Now that monkey's turned out in the goddamn German zoo
00:14:09Sucking rhino dick
00:14:11Because of your bad decision
00:14:14It's not about the monkey tonight
00:14:15It's about you, Justin
00:14:16What I want you to do
00:14:17I want you to sit back, relax
00:14:18Because it's going to be a great night, man
00:14:20Not for you
00:14:21For everybody else
00:14:22We're going to have a blast
00:14:24It's on!
00:14:25You hear me, people?
00:14:26It is on!
00:14:29Coming up
00:14:29Cameras are here, James, go!
00:14:31Natasha Leggera
00:14:32I'm about to kill it!
00:14:33Pete Davidson
00:14:34Shaquille O'Neal
00:14:35Full roast mode, baby
00:14:37Jeff Ross
00:14:37Getting in character
00:14:38I'm ready
00:14:39Chris D'Elia
00:14:40This is ludicrous ready
00:14:40Is what I want to know
00:14:41About 100% prepared
00:14:43Hannibal Burris
00:14:44Martha Stewart
00:14:45And Snoop Dogg
00:14:46Naughty, naughty, naughty, naughty
00:14:49When the roast of Justin Bieber continues
00:14:56Are y'all ready to have a good time tonight?
00:15:00That's what I want to hear
00:15:02Okay, our first roaster
00:15:04Is Pete Davidson
00:15:05Now, he's the newest member of Saturday Night Live
00:15:08This introduction is way longer than his Wikipedia page
00:15:13Guy from New York
00:15:15Is Pete Davidson
00:15:25Thank you
00:15:26It's an honor to be at a roast
00:15:28Hosted by Shaq's dick
00:15:38Wow, wow
00:15:40Ludicrous and Snoop Dogg are here
00:15:42If I was 38
00:15:43I'd be freaking out right now
00:15:51Kev, I loved you as Black Annie
00:15:53It was so good
00:16:01Ludicrous
00:16:02I don't mean you
00:16:03I mean Jeff's career
00:16:10No, no, man
00:16:11I've been watching these roles since I was nine
00:16:13And what's happening to you, Jeff?
00:16:15You look like someone put Seth Rogen in the microwave
00:16:25Martha, it's nice to see you interacting with black people
00:16:28For the first time since prison
00:16:30That's really nice
00:16:32Martha's so old
00:16:33Her first period was the Renaissance
00:16:40What's up, Ludicrous?
00:16:42What's up, man?
00:16:43You might know Ludicrous from your mom's
00:16:44That's What I Call Music CD
00:16:54Come on, let's hear it for Shaq
00:16:55All right
00:16:59Thanks for being here
00:16:59And taking a break from throwing barrels at Super Mario
00:17:15I'm sorry
00:17:19Please don't eat me
00:17:23I'm so afraid
00:17:24He's so big
00:17:27One of the many nicknames that Shaq has is Superman
00:17:30Right?
00:17:31And much like Superman
00:17:32He pretends to be a reporter
00:17:33And has never met his real father
00:17:39No, no, no, no
00:17:40Shaq is cool, though
00:17:41Shaq has shattered eight backboards and 79 cervixes
00:17:51Hannibal, Hannibal Burris is here, everybody
00:17:53Hannibal
00:17:55Hannibal, of course, is famous for exposing Bill Cosby
00:17:58Right?
00:17:59And only for exposing Bill Cosby
00:18:02No, he deserved it, though
00:18:04Bill Cosby hurt those women without ever caring about the consequences
00:18:08That Hannibal Burris would become famous
00:18:14Snoop Dogg's here
00:18:15Snoop, I love Snoop
00:18:19Snoop's son just got accepted to play Division I college football
00:18:24Yeah
00:18:25So Snoop Dogg found out he has a son
00:18:29And now speaking of someone who probably doesn't know he has a son
00:18:32Justin Bieber is here
00:18:33Justin
00:18:34Give it up for him
00:18:35It really is
00:18:35It's really so cool what he's doing
00:18:37You have no idea how awesome this is
00:18:40Um, my castmate on SNL, Kate McKinnon, does a perfect impression of Justin
00:18:45Perfect, right down to the clit
00:18:48Um
00:18:52Justin has a lot of tattoos
00:18:54You have patients tattooed on your neck
00:18:56And this doesn't count, right above his asshole
00:19:01Um
00:19:03No, no, no, but Justin's fucked more models than bulimia
00:19:08He's the only thing they swallow and don't throw back up
00:19:14Justin, you know, I lost my dad on 9-11
00:19:16And I always regretted growing up without a dad
00:19:19Until I met your dad, Justin
00:19:22Now I'm glad mine's dead
00:19:27And now for the greatest transition in the history of comedy
00:19:31Uh, two people from the movie Soul Plane are here
00:19:34Right?
00:19:38Kevin, Snoop, Soul Plane was the worst experience of my life involving a plane
00:19:51All right, well, no, seriously, Justin
00:19:53I just want to say how cool it is for you to be doing this
00:19:55Like, you're the dude for our generation
00:19:57Like, and it's just so cool to see someone our age do exactly what he wants to do
00:20:01And you just, like, took over the world
00:20:03And, like, it really is an inspiration
00:20:05This kid's fucking insane
00:20:06So thank you, man
00:20:10I've always wanted to make fun of him
00:20:12Because everybody my age likes him more than they like me
00:20:14And that's not okay
00:20:15Coming up
00:20:16Natasha Leggero
00:20:18And Ludacris
00:20:19Are you ready?
00:20:21When the roast of Justin Bieber continues
00:20:34All right
00:20:35Our next roaster is a semi-famous rapper
00:20:39I'm talking about Ludacris
00:20:40His first album was called Incognigro
00:20:43And his new album, Ludiverse, is hopefully his last
00:20:47You may not recognize him from the Fast and Furious movies
00:20:50Because when he's on screen, even the white people start talking
00:20:55Please welcome
00:20:56One of the most successful rappers of 2001
00:21:00Ludacris
00:21:11Oh, man
00:21:13Make some noise for Kevin Hart, ladies and gentlemen
00:21:15Thank you
00:21:19I just recently got married
00:21:20That's something to celebrate
00:21:25And Kevin was at my wedding
00:21:27Because I needed a miniature black man on my cake
00:21:29So thank you for that
00:21:34My good friend Shaquille O'Neal is here this evening
00:21:40Look at those big-ass feet
00:21:43Man, you got toes in different area codes right now
00:21:46You do realize that, right?
00:21:49Shaq's fingers are so big
00:21:50Every text he's ever sent
00:21:52Is just every letter of the alphabet
00:21:53At the same damn time
00:21:57I'm just playing Shaq
00:21:59You know
00:21:59You're truly one of the most original rappers
00:22:01And by that I mean
00:22:02Most of your CDs are still covered
00:22:04In their original rapper
00:22:06You do
00:22:06You do know that
00:22:09I believe the Dogfather's in the house tonight
00:22:17Snoop, your homie Dr. Dre
00:22:18Just became a billionaire last year
00:22:20And you should be proud
00:22:21There's not a lot of black billionaires
00:22:23There's Dr. Dre
00:22:24And the guy that sells you weed
00:22:26I mean, you are a legend
00:22:31Which is a nice way of saying
00:22:32You old as fuck
00:22:35You only do it doggy style now
00:22:37Because it's easier on your lower back
00:22:42I see you over there laughing
00:22:43Martha Stewart
00:22:44What you laughing at, huh?
00:22:47She's so old
00:22:48If you look closely at the $100 bill
00:22:49You can see Martha photobombing Ben Franklin
00:22:51In the background
00:22:55So let's get to the kid
00:22:56That I've known longer than anybody else up here
00:22:58Mr. Justin Bieber
00:23:04He may have just turned 21
00:23:05But Justin will always be a baby to me
00:23:07Since babies piss everywhere
00:23:09And never know when to shut the fuck up
00:23:13I remember one day
00:23:14I got this call saying
00:23:15We want you to collaborate with this little dude
00:23:17Who will do anything to get famous
00:23:19And I was like
00:23:19Great
00:23:19I love Kevin Hart
00:23:21You know
00:23:23That's my guy
00:23:27But this dude turned out to be
00:23:28Justin motherfucking Bieber
00:23:31And together we dropped a track called Baby
00:23:38It's got over a billion hits on YouTube
00:23:41That's because I'm in it
00:23:43It also has 4 million dislikes
00:23:45That's because he's in it
00:23:49It's like you try to roll like a gangster, man
00:23:51But you're not tough, Justin
00:23:53I'm here to let you know, man
00:23:54I know you've been on Ellen 14 times
00:23:58You act so much like a pussy on the show
00:24:00Ellen tried to eat you
00:24:01I mean, come on
00:24:12But you've become a music icon
00:24:14Like a modern-day Michael Jackson
00:24:16The only difference is
00:24:18As Michael got older
00:24:19He acted whiter
00:24:22Justin Bieber wants to be black so bad
00:24:24He actually has seen Kevin Hart's movies in theaters
00:24:27Ladies and gentlemen
00:24:30Justin, honestly, I feel bad kicking you while you're down
00:24:33But since you want to be black
00:24:34You might as well get used to it, man
00:24:38No, honestly, man
00:24:39It takes a very brave soul to get up here
00:24:42And I just want to say
00:24:42I love you, JB
00:24:44I'm glad that you did this
00:24:45This is a beautiful thing
00:24:46Y'all make some noise for my man
00:24:47Justin Bieber
00:24:55Thank you, thank you, thank you
00:24:57All right, hey
00:24:58How about Ludacris?
00:24:59Come on, one time
00:25:01One time
00:25:04Everything I know about being a whore in the entertainment industry
00:25:07I learned from this next roaster
00:25:09Of course, I'm talking about you, Natasha Leggero
00:25:12You guys may have seen her on Reno 911 as a whore on drugs
00:25:17If you didn't see that
00:25:18You may have seen her neighbors as a whore on drugs
00:25:23Everybody, I want you to pull out some Purell
00:25:26For Natasha Leggero right now
00:25:39Kevin, you look like someone put 50 cent in the dryer
00:25:47There is a lot of star power up here
00:25:50These men combined have made millions in child support payments
00:25:58Kevin, you are everywhere
00:25:59You know, Kevin's actually going to be on the next season of Game of Thrones
00:26:03He's playing Peter Dinklage's Shadow
00:26:14Kevin does all of his own stunts
00:26:16He climbs into his own chair
00:26:18He climbs out of his own bathtub
00:26:22He goes up on his wife
00:26:30Kevin has a Napoleon complex
00:26:32Kevin, Napoleon was the leader of France
00:26:35Ludacris, France is in Europe
00:26:39Just in Europe, the continent
00:26:42Shaq, a continent is not a free breakfast
00:26:54You know, a lot of people don't know this
00:26:56Shaquille is an Arabic name for handsome
00:26:59And O'Neill is the Irish word for just kidding
00:27:08Shaq's dick is so big
00:27:10He has to use Dropbox to send a dick pic
00:27:18When I first met Hannibal, I was like, you are going to be a star
00:27:22And when I first met Kevin, I was like, no, I don't want to buy a candy bar
00:27:26To support your local after-school program
00:27:32Ludacris, not only is your music great, but I love all your movie
00:27:41Jeff Ross, it's great to see you here once a year at these roasts
00:27:44How's the Uber driving going?
00:27:50Chris D'Elia finally answers the question
00:27:53What if Dane Cook had half the talent and a rich father?
00:28:03Sorry, let me just take a second to explain to the black guys on the dais what a father is
00:28:12I'm excited Snoop's here
00:28:17Snoop, you look like Shaq's skeleton
00:28:32All these rappers on stage and Martha Stewart has done the most jail time
00:28:44Justin Bieber, everybody
00:28:50Seems like only yesterday you were discovered on YouTube
00:28:53Time flies when you're a piece of shit
00:29:00No, Justin's fans are called Beliebers
00:29:02Because these days it's considered politically incorrect to use the term retards
00:29:15Justin, you've been on Ellen more than a pussy juice mustache
00:29:26Mine was better, Ludacris
00:29:30Justin was born to a teenage single mom
00:29:33No wonder he's got moves, he was in the womb dodging a coat hanger
00:29:41Justin, Selena Gomez had to fuck you
00:29:44She is literally the least lucky Selena in all of entertainment history
00:29:59No, Justin, you're so successful, you're so rich
00:30:02You're like our Beatles
00:30:04Um, not the band, the bugs that live in shit
00:30:07So, Justin, I just want to tell you
00:30:10I think that you are well on your way to becoming a handsome young gentleman
00:30:13And I really think that, um, things are gonna get better after this for you
00:30:19And thank you for, thank you for letting me be here and do this
00:30:23Thank you, Justin Bieber
00:30:30Still to come
00:30:31Oh, this is your Uncle Sean
00:30:32Shaquille O'Neal
00:30:33Hands are like a junkie's bag
00:30:35Martha Stewart
00:30:36I think she's got a few tricks up her sleeve, right?
00:30:39Snoop Dogg
00:30:40Stop yelling at me
00:30:41Hannibal Buress
00:30:42And Jeff Ross
00:30:43God's pissing you
00:30:44Bill Cosby was his favorite comedian
00:30:47When the Roast of Justin Bieber continues
00:30:59First of all, I can't bring up our next Roaster
00:31:01Without giving the attention to Natasha Leggero that she deserves
00:31:05Make some noise for that goddamn woman
00:31:08We killed
00:31:10Killed
00:31:11Alright
00:31:12Our next Roaster is Shaquille O'Neal
00:31:15Yeah, yeah
00:31:17He's an NBA legend with a doctorate of education
00:31:21But you wouldn't know it by the way that he pronounces doctorate of education
00:31:27Everybody, let's get ready to mumble
00:31:32It's Shaquille O'Neal
00:31:51Thank you, Webster
00:31:55Kevin is the only celebrity with a star on the yellow brick road
00:32:03In case you didn't know, I am Shaquille O'Neal
00:32:06Shaq Diesel
00:32:09Superman
00:32:10Big Aristotle
00:32:12Big Cactus
00:32:13Big Galactus
00:32:14And Martha Stewart's baby daddy
00:32:18And trust me, Martha know how to work that motherfucker, boy
00:32:21Let me tell you
00:32:23Once you go Shaq, you never go back
00:32:25Ain't that right, Martha?
00:32:29But I'm not the only baller here tonight
00:32:30What's up, Snoop?
00:32:34Snoop made a reggae album
00:32:35If you're a rap fan, you may not have it
00:32:39But if you're a reggae fan, I know you don't fucking have it
00:32:46Look at all these scrubs on the stage
00:32:49Chris D'Elia
00:32:51Hannibal
00:32:52Natasha
00:32:53Pete Davidson
00:32:54Jeff Ross
00:32:56I haven't seen a more disappointing lineup since the last Lakers game
00:33:07Speaking of the game
00:33:09My main man Chris Paul from the Clippers is down there
00:33:14Hey Chris
00:33:15The way you guys playing
00:33:16You ain't gonna be getting a ring
00:33:18I got four of them if you need to borrow one
00:33:22You guys suck
00:33:28Jeff
00:33:30How am I the one who played 19 seasons
00:33:32And you're the one who looks like you took 20 years of elbows to the face
00:33:37You ugly motherfucker
00:33:40Look at Jeff
00:33:41Jeff got a body like a cafeteria lady
00:33:52Now as many of you know
00:33:53I'm a police detective in the city of Miami
00:33:56So Justin, as a police officer of the law
00:33:58I'm gonna give it to you straight
00:34:01Which I know will be a new experience for you
00:34:05I got a question Justin
00:34:06What kind of bitch eggs his neighbor's house
00:34:10You caused $20,000 in damages
00:34:13Imagine the damage you would have caused if you threw like a boy
00:34:18And what are you doing dropping 75 G's in the Miami Strip Club
00:34:21I heard the DJ play one of your songs
00:34:24And the dancers complained their pussies were drying up
00:34:32Justin, as a father of six
00:34:33You gotta straighten up, son
00:34:36You know last year you were ranked the fifth most hated person of all time
00:34:40Kim Jong-un didn't even score that low
00:34:43And he uses your music to fucking torture people
00:34:50But thanks to that music
00:34:51Justin is worth over $200,000,000
00:34:55And in prison, four packs of cools
00:35:00Justin got a tattoo of Jesus on his calf
00:35:02Well you gotta bring Jesus in your mess
00:35:05That man has suffered enough
00:35:11Seriously Justin, I love you
00:35:14You're a platinum recording artist
00:35:15Give it up
00:35:19You're a model
00:35:20Give it up
00:35:22You're a sex symbol
00:35:23Give it up
00:35:25I just wanna say
00:35:26Justin Timberlake
00:35:27I fucking love you
00:35:29Thank you
00:35:45That's hilarious
00:35:46I'm on a hashtag baby
00:35:48Still to come on the roast of Justin Bieber
00:35:51Martha Stewart
00:35:52Actually this is sort of like doing a roast turkey
00:35:54And Chris D'Elia
00:35:55Actually I'm up next
00:35:56So if you're gonna change your channel
00:35:56Hurry up and do it
00:35:58When the roast of Justin Bieber continues
00:36:10Our next roast is Chris D'Elia
00:36:13Holy shit
00:36:15Yeah
00:36:16I know everybody's excited about this
00:36:18If you didn't know
00:36:19He's the star of the NBC show
00:36:21Undateable
00:36:22And Chris's stand-up is actually unwatchable
00:36:26I've seen it
00:36:27It hurts
00:36:28He is Justin Bieber's favorite comic
00:36:30Which is why he has
00:36:31Duh in the middle of his name
00:36:34Please welcome
00:36:36Future rapist
00:36:37Chris
00:36:39D'Elia
00:36:40Yeah
00:36:46No seriously
00:36:47Keep going for the ghost of Chris Tucker
00:36:49Everybody
00:36:53No Kevin's a good guy
00:36:55And of course he's here
00:36:56Because he can't say no to anything
00:36:57Last week he hosted an
00:36:59ISIS beheading video on Reddit
00:37:02What the fuck
00:37:08Hey Shaq
00:37:09Shaq's here
00:37:10People don't realize this
00:37:11But Shaq
00:37:12Those I Can't Breathe t-shirts
00:37:14They were about Shaq's last season
00:37:16With the Celtics
00:37:19Jeff Ross
00:37:20Hey
00:37:21How about the fact that
00:37:22If there weren't roasts
00:37:23Jeff Ross would work at Ikea
00:37:27We all do other things
00:37:28Which is why we're on the roasts
00:37:30You're on the roasts
00:37:31Because you're on the fucking roasts
00:37:32Fuck yeah
00:37:35Ludacris
00:37:36What do you do now anyway
00:37:37Okay
00:37:37You were a rapper
00:37:38You make headphones
00:37:39That no one listens with
00:37:41You make Hennessy
00:37:42That no one drinks
00:37:43You're like a human
00:37:44Going at a business sale
00:37:48Snoop Dogg
00:37:49What's up
00:37:50It's cool you're here
00:37:51You look like
00:37:52Dead Splinter
00:37:53From Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
00:37:57Pete
00:37:58It's really good to see you
00:37:59Fifty Shades of Grey
00:38:01Was based on your complexion
00:38:04Pete
00:38:04Pete is the same racist
00:38:08Whatever the fuck
00:38:09The Rock is
00:38:09And any parking attendant ever
00:38:15Justin Bieber
00:38:16The man here
00:38:17Huh
00:38:17Let's hear it
00:38:22Why are you here
00:38:23This is a terrible idea
00:38:24You're about to get
00:38:25Fucked harder than
00:38:26Orlando Bloom
00:38:27Fucked Selena Gomez
00:38:33For a guy worth
00:38:34200 million dollars
00:38:35Why do you dress like
00:38:36Sharon Stone
00:38:36In the 90s
00:38:41You look like
00:38:42Cisco
00:38:42Fucked Peter Pan
00:38:43And then got cast on
00:38:44Orange is the New Black
00:38:50Baby is the most
00:38:51Hated video online
00:38:52Like statistically
00:38:53If you check that shit out
00:38:54Okay
00:38:54And there are also
00:38:56ISIS videos online
00:38:58Okay
00:38:58That means that
00:38:59Someone saw a video
00:39:00With a guy screaming
00:39:01Death to America
00:39:02And sawing someone's head off
00:39:03And thought
00:39:04Nope
00:39:04Still not worse than
00:39:05Bieber featuring
00:39:05Luda in a bowling alley
00:39:13Thank you
00:39:15Thank you guy
00:39:16Half my age
00:39:19Seriously man
00:39:20I'm proud of you
00:39:21You have it all
00:39:22You literally are a guy
00:39:24Who has it all
00:39:25Except for
00:39:26Respect
00:39:26Love
00:39:27Friends
00:39:27Good parents
00:39:28And a Grammy
00:39:32Thank you
00:39:33Thank you
00:39:35That was awesome
00:39:43Chris D'Elia
00:39:45God damn it Chris
00:39:47That was dark
00:39:50That was fucking dark
00:39:52There was a couple times
00:39:53Where I grabbed my shirt
00:39:54Like Jesus Christ Chris
00:39:57But we're here
00:39:58It's good though
00:39:59Justice said you were fine
00:40:01That's all that counts
00:40:01Right
00:40:02Yeah
00:40:04How am I supposed to laugh
00:40:05After ISIS
00:40:06What the fuck
00:40:10Our next roaster
00:40:11Is Martha Stewart
00:40:12Martha
00:40:14Yeah
00:40:16Yeah
00:40:16Yeah
00:40:18At the age 73
00:40:20She's the only white woman
00:40:21With more street cred
00:40:22Than Luda and Snoop combined
00:40:23True story
00:40:24Please welcome
00:40:26Five years
00:40:26The lifestyle guru
00:40:28Martha Stewart
00:40:29Everybody
00:40:38First of all
00:40:39Thank you
00:40:40Kevin Hart
00:40:41It's really great
00:40:42To be here
00:40:42Oh there you are
00:40:43Sitting and listening
00:40:45To you
00:40:45Yell your jokes
00:40:46Over the last hour
00:40:47Is the hardest time
00:40:48I've ever done
00:40:50As we all know
00:40:52Kevin is one of the biggest movie stars
00:40:53In the business right now
00:40:55And he deserves it
00:40:56He's struggled for years
00:40:58When he finally got his first big paycheck
00:41:01He spent $150,000 on a watch
00:41:05I forget that term for that
00:41:08It's not African American rich
00:41:10It'll come to me
00:41:20Justin you know the word
00:41:22I know you're all wondering
00:41:24Why I'm here tonight
00:41:25It's because Martha Stewart
00:41:27Changes people's lives
00:41:29For the better
00:41:29Like Shaq for instance
00:41:32When Shaq bought his house
00:41:34Shaq are you listening
00:41:36I was the first person he called
00:41:39The house had 13 bedrooms
00:41:41And I helped convert eight of them
00:41:43Into refrigerators
00:41:47I believe the bedroom
00:41:49Is the most important room
00:41:50In the house
00:41:51But I don't have to tell you
00:41:52That ludicrous
00:41:53You have three kids
00:41:54With three different women
00:41:56May I suggest pulling out
00:41:58Some time
00:41:58And finishing
00:41:59On some fine
00:42:01Highly absorbent
00:42:02Martha Stewart bed linens
00:42:11It's nice to see Snoop again
00:42:13One of the highest rated episodes
00:42:15On my show
00:42:16Martha Stewart living
00:42:17Was when Snoop and I
00:42:18Made brownies together
00:42:20And I've used his recipe
00:42:22Ever since
00:42:23As a matter of fact
00:42:24I ate three of them
00:42:26Right before they called
00:42:28And asked me to do this roast
00:42:32Snoop
00:42:32I see that you've been following
00:42:34My beauty regimen
00:42:36You would never know
00:42:37That Snoop Dogg is 43 now
00:42:39Which is three times as long
00:42:41As actual dogs live
00:42:42And twice as long
00:42:44As most of his friends
00:42:51I taught Snoop
00:42:53That the most important thing
00:42:55In business
00:42:55Is diversification
00:42:56Besides his music career
00:42:58Snoop now has produced
00:42:59A porn movie
00:43:00And by the way Natasha
00:43:02You were great in that
00:43:04So I guess
00:43:06That tonight's the second time
00:43:07You've worked with five black guys
00:43:12You know
00:43:15I do a lot of gardening
00:43:17But you are without a doubt
00:43:19The dirtiest used up hoe
00:43:21I have ever seen
00:43:24Natasha
00:43:26When a woman is as sexually active
00:43:29As you are
00:43:29They have to take special care
00:43:31Of their body
00:43:32I've come up with a douche
00:43:34That no one has ever heard of
00:43:36You know
00:43:36Like Crystal Leia
00:43:40And Hannibal
00:43:41All night I've been trying to remember
00:43:42Who you remind me of
00:43:44Then it hit me
00:43:45You look just like that gingerbread man
00:43:48I left in the oven too long
00:43:57Let's get to the reason
00:43:59I'm here tonight
00:43:59Which is to give
00:44:00Justin Bieber some tips
00:44:02To use when he inevitably
00:44:04Ends up in prison
00:44:08I've been in lockup
00:44:09And you wouldn't last a week
00:44:11So pay attention
00:44:12The first thing you'll need
00:44:14Is a shank
00:44:15I made mine out of a pintail comb
00:44:18And a pack of gum
00:44:21I'll show you how later
00:44:23It's so simple
00:44:26I found Bubblicious works best
00:44:28And it's so much fun to say
00:44:31You see when I did my stretch
00:44:34All the hood rats on my cell block
00:44:36Wanted to break off a piece
00:44:37Of Martha Stewart's ass
00:44:39So I decided some bitch
00:44:41Needed to get got
00:44:43I walked into the chow hall
00:44:46Picked out the biggest bull dyke
00:44:48And I stuck her
00:44:49From then on
00:44:51Prison was easier
00:44:52Than making blueberry scones
00:45:02And Shaq
00:45:06Shaq, I hope your mom
00:45:07Doesn't still hold a grudge
00:45:14Justin, before I go
00:45:16Here's my final piece of advice
00:45:18You need to settle down
00:45:20Bring some balance
00:45:21Into your life
00:45:22Find yourself the right gal
00:45:24But she'll have to be
00:45:25Someone on your level
00:45:26Someone powerful
00:45:27And famous
00:45:28And rich
00:45:29Someone you can
00:45:30Smoke a joint with
00:45:31Or indulge in the
00:45:32Occasional three-way
00:45:34I'm talking about
00:45:35A playa in the boardroom
00:45:37And a freak
00:45:38In the bedroom
00:45:38So Justin
00:45:40My final piece of advice
00:45:42Is call me
00:45:43Or
00:45:47Or not
00:45:48I'm out of bed
00:45:52I'm out of bed
00:45:52I'm out of bed
00:45:57Still to come
00:45:58Jeff Ross
00:45:59Killer
00:46:00The killer
00:46:01And Snoop Dogg
00:46:02My boy body going hard
00:46:03Man I ain't gonna play
00:46:04No games man
00:46:05When the roast of
00:46:07Justin Bieber continues
00:46:13All right
00:46:15Martha Stewart
00:46:16Goddamn
00:46:21Our next roaster
00:46:22Is Jeff Ross
00:46:24Now
00:46:26I actually gave Jeff a role
00:46:28In my movie
00:46:28The Wedding Ringer
00:46:29And he doubled the budget
00:46:30Because he demanded
00:46:31To be paid in cake
00:46:32Right now
00:46:33I want everybody
00:46:34To pull out a bucket
00:46:35Of fish
00:46:36For the roast master
00:46:37Himself
00:46:38Jeff Ross
00:46:39Everybody
00:46:40Thank you guys
00:46:41Thank you Jeff
00:46:44All right
00:46:47Awesome buddy
00:46:49Wow
00:46:51How cool is this
00:46:52Give it up for the Biebs
00:46:53Doing great so far
00:46:57Fantastic
00:46:58This is so fun
00:46:59I never roasted somebody
00:47:00With a bedtime before
00:47:04I gotta give you props
00:47:06Asking us to roast you
00:47:07Ballsy move dude
00:47:08Especially
00:47:09Since you haven't put on
00:47:10An album in three years
00:47:12Come on Biebs
00:47:13What are you doing
00:47:13With your life
00:47:14If you listen closely
00:47:16You can hear the sound
00:47:17Of One Direction
00:47:18Fucking your fans
00:47:22A lot of believers
00:47:23Are upset
00:47:24That Justin's
00:47:25Never won a Grammy
00:47:26Well there's Martha Stewart
00:47:27She can be your Grammy
00:47:32Martha Stewart's here
00:47:33Because Paula Deen
00:47:34Refused to sit
00:47:35With this many black folk
00:47:39What is this
00:47:40The Comedy Central
00:47:41March on Ferguson
00:47:48Martha I wanna fuck you
00:47:49So bad
00:47:51I bet your pubic hair
00:47:53Is fifty shades of grey
00:47:58Martha went to prison
00:47:59For dumping worthless stock
00:48:01For idiot consumers to buy
00:48:02Which reminds me
00:48:04Ludacris' new album
00:48:05Drops tomorrow
00:48:08But enough about Ludacris
00:48:10Let's talk about
00:48:11Foodacris
00:48:11Shaquille O'Neal
00:48:15Shaq
00:48:24I like to talk to him
00:48:25In his native tongue
00:48:29Shaq was the original
00:48:30Two Chains
00:48:30Cause that's how he was
00:48:31Brought into this country
00:48:41Shaq's dick is so big
00:48:42He uses it as a selfie stick
00:48:44He uses it as a selfie stick
00:48:48Love you Kev
00:48:49You're doing a hell of a job
00:48:51As a host tonight
00:48:51Man I really appreciate
00:48:52How funny you are
00:48:54I really do
00:48:59Kevin's a big star now
00:49:00But he doesn't need
00:49:01Private jets
00:49:02Cause he likes to be
00:49:02Shot out of a cannon
00:49:07Kev we've been friends
00:49:08A long time
00:49:08I wanna congratulate you
00:49:10I hear your girlfriend
00:49:11Recently got down
00:49:12On one knee
00:49:12So you could propose
00:49:13And uh
00:49:16How do you all make love
00:49:17Puppy style
00:49:22Chris D'Elia is here
00:49:23Chris how you doing man
00:49:25Chris is here
00:49:26Because he's
00:49:27Justin Bieber's
00:49:27Favorite comedian
00:49:28Wow
00:49:29What an endorsement
00:49:33That's like being
00:49:34Shaq's favorite poet
00:49:43Snoop
00:49:44Love you buddy
00:49:45Love you man
00:49:46So much
00:49:47You look like a
00:49:48Retired WNBA player
00:49:56The only person
00:49:57That's inhaled
00:49:57More smoke than Snoop
00:49:58Is Pete Davidson's
00:49:59Dad inside the
00:50:00World Trade Center
00:50:04Thanks Pete
00:50:05I'm sorry Shaq
00:50:06I know that was
00:50:07Your favorite building
00:50:08To climb
00:50:13Shaq
00:50:14Never forget
00:50:20This is so much fun
00:50:22I gotta give a shout out
00:50:23To one of my favorite
00:50:24People ever
00:50:25Dave Chappelle
00:50:25Over there
00:50:26What's up dude
00:50:27Don't be scared
00:50:27Watching the roast
00:50:29Super big comedy fan
00:50:31My friend
00:50:32One of the greats
00:50:36Love you buddy
00:50:37Thank you for flying in
00:50:39From South Africa
00:50:40To be with us tonight
00:50:44Justin I feel like
00:50:45I'm roasting you
00:50:45For the entire world
00:50:47Tonight
00:50:47The roast fans
00:50:48Really want blood
00:50:49This time
00:50:50Even though
00:50:51Most of your fans
00:50:52Haven't even gotten
00:50:52Their periods yet
00:50:55But if you can
00:50:56Take a joke
00:50:57And soak in the
00:50:57Beliebers
00:50:58Watching tonight
00:50:59Because face it
00:51:00Biebs
00:51:00You become
00:51:01A cocky little
00:51:01Shit
00:51:03You are the
00:51:03King Joffrey
00:51:04Of pop
00:51:12What's your
00:51:13Rap name
00:51:13Feminem
00:51:18Selena Gomez
00:51:19Wanted to be here
00:51:19But she's dating
00:51:20Men now
00:51:24Is it true
00:51:25You dumped her
00:51:26Because she grew
00:51:26A mustache
00:51:27Before you
00:51:29That's right
00:51:30Selena Gomez
00:51:31Used to bang
00:51:32This guy
00:51:33Proving once again
00:51:34That Mexicans
00:51:35Will do the
00:51:36Disgusting jobs
00:51:36Americans just
00:51:37Won't do
00:51:40USA
00:51:42USA
00:51:43USA
00:51:43USA
00:51:47Now there were
00:51:48Rumors going around
00:51:49You might have been
00:51:49Dating Kendall Jenner
00:51:50Hi Kendall
00:51:51How you doing doll
00:51:52You having fun
00:51:54That's good
00:51:54What dating site
00:51:56Did you two meet on
00:51:57Okay stupid
00:52:02Anyway Biebs
00:52:03You have such a huge
00:52:04Career behind you
00:52:10But lately a lot of
00:52:11People have been
00:52:11Pointing their fingers
00:52:12At you
00:52:13And those are just
00:52:14Lesbians showing the
00:52:15Barber how they want
00:52:16Their haircut
00:52:22Even when you went to
00:52:23Anne Frank's house
00:52:24There were fans waiting
00:52:25For you outside
00:52:26I wish they were the
00:52:27Same people who were
00:52:28Waiting for Anne Frank
00:52:31Oh come on
00:52:33You said Anne Frank
00:52:33Would have been a believer
00:52:34If Anne Frank heard
00:52:35Your music
00:52:36She would have Ubered
00:52:37To Auschwitz
00:52:45And Biebs
00:52:46We've all seen
00:52:46Your sexy underwear
00:52:47Commercials
00:52:48And don't worry
00:52:48You're not the first
00:52:49Youngster to have
00:52:50Calvin Klein
00:52:51Wedged in your
00:52:51Asshole
00:52:56But you know what
00:52:57The best part
00:52:58About taking
00:52:58Justin from behind
00:52:59Is that you can
00:53:00Shave half his head
00:53:01And pretend it's
00:53:02Miley Cyrus
00:53:07You like that one
00:53:09Justin's ass
00:53:10Is like a movie
00:53:10Ticket because
00:53:11It was ripped apart
00:53:12By an usher
00:53:18As you sat here
00:53:19Taking it like
00:53:19A man tonight
00:53:20You're probably
00:53:21Thinking that
00:53:22None of us know
00:53:22What we're talking
00:53:23About because
00:53:24You're going to
00:53:24Fly out of here
00:53:25On a private jet
00:53:26Full of cash and
00:53:27Models and we'll
00:53:28All be trying to
00:53:28Finger bang Martha
00:53:29Stewart at the
00:53:30After party
00:53:34And you know
00:53:35What Biebs
00:53:35You're right
00:53:36You're young
00:53:37You're talented
00:53:38You're famous
00:53:39And that could be
00:53:40A lot of pressure
00:53:41But you're a smart
00:53:42Man with a good
00:53:43Heart
00:53:45And I know
00:53:46You'll never end up
00:53:46Like Kurt Cobain
00:53:48Or Amy Winehouse
00:53:50Respected
00:53:53Happy birthday
00:53:54Buddy
00:53:58Good show
00:53:59Coming up
00:54:00Snoop Dogg
00:54:02Hannibal Burris
00:54:03I hate everybody
00:54:04And Justin Bieber
00:54:05When the Comedy Central
00:54:07Roast of Justin Bieber
00:54:08Continues
00:54:11This program is rated
00:54:12TVMAL
00:54:13And contains strong
00:54:14Language and adult
00:54:14Content
00:54:15Viewer discretion
00:54:15Is advised
00:54:20Are we having
00:54:21A good time tonight
00:54:22Yes
00:54:24Our next roaster
00:54:26Is Snoop
00:54:26Yeah he's here
00:54:28Yeah
00:54:29Yeah
00:54:30You know
00:54:32Snoop used to call
00:54:33Himself the D-O-Double-G
00:54:35That's right
00:54:36The dog
00:54:37Right Snoop
00:54:39Back in the day
00:54:39The reason why
00:54:40He called himself
00:54:40The dog
00:54:41Is because
00:54:41He was a dog
00:54:42With the ladies
00:54:42It's true
00:54:43Now he's called
00:54:44The dog
00:54:45Because he sleeps
00:54:46All day
00:54:46In the sunspot
00:54:47In the living room floor
00:54:48Isn't that true
00:54:50That's true Snoop
00:54:51Ladies and gentlemen
00:54:52Make some noise
00:54:52For Snoop Dogg
00:54:54Right now
00:55:03Kevin you look good
00:55:04Tonight though
00:55:04Some real shit
00:55:05And after you
00:55:05You look real good
00:55:10I didn't know
00:55:11The Muppets
00:55:11Made motherfucking
00:55:12Clothes for a nigga
00:55:13Though
00:55:16Yes sir
00:55:17Now look
00:55:18Kevin's from Philadelphia
00:55:19Right
00:55:20Just like Bill Cosby
00:55:21And just like
00:55:23Bill Cosby
00:55:24Women can't tell
00:55:26When Kevin's inside of them
00:55:32Yeah
00:55:32I don't need no warm up
00:55:34I've been smoking
00:55:35And drinking
00:55:35I feel real good
00:55:36About myself
00:55:44Now check this out
00:55:45I done done a whole
00:55:46Bunch of roasts
00:55:46Right
00:55:46But they never let
00:55:48A real player on stage
00:55:49With me
00:55:49Until tonight
00:55:51We got ludicrous
00:55:52In the motherfucking house
00:55:58I love that song of yours
00:56:00Where you said
00:56:01If you a pimp
00:56:02And you know
00:56:02You don't love them hoes
00:56:04That shit was tight
00:56:07But you know
00:56:07Who else said that
00:56:08That was tight
00:56:10Me
00:56:1015 years before you did it
00:56:12Nigga
00:56:12Stop biting my shit
00:56:16But here's one of ludicrous
00:56:18Original rhymes
00:56:20There's hoes in the room
00:56:22There's hoes in the car
00:56:24There's hoes on the stage
00:56:25There's hoes by the bar
00:56:29Nigga are you a rapper
00:56:30Or a Dr. Seuss
00:56:39Now
00:56:40This little bitty
00:56:41Fine little
00:56:42Natasha
00:56:44Leggetto
00:56:45Is that how you say it
00:56:48Leggetto
00:56:50Leggetto
00:56:51That's how we say it
00:56:53I seen how you was
00:56:54Looking at me though
00:56:55Right
00:56:57What I want to know
00:56:58Is have you ever
00:56:59Sucked a black dick
00:57:00Before
00:57:04Hey I'm going off script
00:57:05Right now
00:57:06I just really want to know
00:57:09Hey
00:57:10Hey
00:57:11Something about this
00:57:11Pimping man
00:57:12You understand me
00:57:13When I'm pimping man
00:57:13That shit just go
00:57:14Every direction
00:57:17But let me talk about
00:57:18My homeboy right here
00:57:19Shaquille O'Neal
00:57:22Shaq daddy
00:57:24I always say that
00:57:25Shaq is the greatest
00:57:26Laker of all time
00:57:28Unless I'm chilling
00:57:29With Kobe Bryant
00:57:43Y'all got to
00:57:44Excuse my little
00:57:45Retarded cousin
00:57:46Right there
00:57:51Somebody get his
00:57:52Little helmet
00:57:52And get that
00:57:53Little yellow bus
00:57:54Around the side
00:57:57Hannibal Burris
00:57:59You the only
00:58:00Bill Cosby accuser
00:58:01Making money off of it
00:58:06Now
00:58:07Jeff Ross
00:58:09Check this out Jeff
00:58:11Now see Jeff
00:58:12Is what you call
00:58:13A throwback
00:58:14Because his face
00:58:15Looks like something
00:58:16That you could
00:58:16Have a hook in it
00:58:19That's right
00:58:20That's a fishing joke
00:58:23I fish motherfuckers
00:58:30Now that I done said
00:58:31What I needed to say
00:58:31About all the rest
00:58:32Of these hoes
00:58:33And bitches up on the stage
00:58:34It's time to talk
00:58:35About the bitch of the hour
00:58:37Justin
00:58:38Leave it to Bieber
00:58:42Justin's life changed
00:58:43When Usher heard
00:58:44One of his songs
00:58:45And liked it
00:58:45Which only goes to prove
00:58:47That Usher ain't black
00:58:51Now Justin
00:58:53You released so many
00:58:54Horrible and unwatchable
00:58:56Videos
00:58:57You should change
00:58:58Your name to
00:58:59Vanilla Isis
00:59:03No no no
00:59:03Real shit though
00:59:04Real shit
00:59:05This is my nigga
00:59:06Right here
00:59:06Hold on nigga
00:59:08This is my nigga
00:59:09Nigga this is my nigga
00:59:10Nigga you had your shot
00:59:11Nigga this is my nigga
00:59:12Right here
00:59:14Nigga
00:59:15Nigga
00:59:15God damn
00:59:16Nigga nigga nigga
00:59:17Nigga nigga nigga
00:59:21Now
00:59:22Most niggas like myself
00:59:24We go a little crazy
00:59:25When we get famous
00:59:27Buy some dope cars
00:59:29Fuck some bad bitches
00:59:31But nigga
00:59:32You bought a monkey
00:59:35I mean
00:59:37That monkey was more embarrassed
00:59:39Than the one that started
00:59:40The AIDS epidemic
00:59:44Now when Jay Bird
00:59:45Got arrested
00:59:46He had a big smile
00:59:48In his mug shot
00:59:49Not because he gangsta
00:59:51Because he knows
00:59:52What goes on in jail
00:59:55Now Justin
00:59:56You so motherfucking pretty
00:59:58When the inmates
01:00:00Saw your mug shot
01:00:01They swipe right
01:00:06Let me say this to you
01:00:07JB
01:00:07Justin Bieber
01:00:09DMB
01:00:10Damn near black
01:00:12Now see black people
01:00:13We normally hate
01:00:15When white people
01:00:15Try to steal our culture
01:00:17And be like us
01:00:18Minus the discrimination
01:00:19Police brutality
01:00:20And the marching and shit
01:00:22That was until
01:00:23Justin Bieber came along
01:00:25We don't mind him
01:00:26Smoking weed in public
01:00:27While sagging in the club
01:00:28Pissing in a mop bucket
01:00:30Drunk driving
01:00:31Living in a mansion
01:00:32While playing loud music
01:00:33And hating the neighbors
01:00:34For not welcoming change
01:00:36Welcome to the family
01:00:37My nigga
01:00:39She got to
01:00:52I just want to take a second right now
01:00:55To speak on behalf of all the black people
01:00:56I don't
01:00:58I don't know how many niggas
01:00:59We were allowed to say in this show
01:01:01But I think
01:01:03I definitely think Snoop used them all
01:01:05Like we're done
01:01:06Like
01:01:07We're done
01:01:08Like dude
01:01:09We had like ten
01:01:10They gave us ten
01:01:12You used them all
01:01:13Then you blamed us
01:01:14You was like
01:01:15Yo they got us drinking and smoking
01:01:16No we don't
01:01:17That's you
01:01:19It's just you
01:01:20You
01:01:20You did that
01:01:22Don't do that to us
01:01:24I want Snoop removed
01:01:26Like
01:01:28Like if this was the block
01:01:30I would snitch
01:01:30It was him
01:01:31He did it
01:01:33He
01:01:34He said we all doing drugs
01:01:35We drinking and smoking back then
01:01:37No we not
01:01:38It's just you
01:01:39Fuck you
01:01:40Fuck you Snoop
01:01:43I didn't do nothing
01:01:46You tried to ruin me tonight
01:01:48You son of a bitch
01:01:48You tried to
01:01:49You tried to make it a group black thing
01:01:51That's what you tried to do
01:01:52All us niggas up here
01:01:54No it's not
01:01:58No it's not
01:02:03I'm worried about our lipstick
01:02:04Shut up
01:02:05Let me check it out for you
01:02:06Still to come
01:02:08Justin Bieber
01:02:09And Hannibal Buress
01:02:10I'm getting it
01:02:11When the Comedy Central roast of Justin Bieber continues
01:02:14This is something that I really enjoy
01:02:16And I want to be invited back
01:02:17I love the roast
01:02:31Hannibal Buress is up next
01:02:33Ladies and gentlemen
01:02:37I'm a fan
01:02:38I love Hannibal
01:02:39I really do
01:02:39We know why he's here
01:02:41Okay
01:02:42Cause he's not happy
01:02:43Just destroying my childhood hero
01:02:48That's not
01:02:49That didn't make him feel good enough
01:02:50No no no
01:02:52He's here to destroy my daughter's childhood hero as well
01:02:56I want you guys to please welcome the man
01:03:00Who's so slow and drowsy
01:03:02That you think that Bill Cosby drugged him
01:03:07I'm talking about Hannibal Buress
01:03:09Ladies and gentlemen
01:03:09Everybody
01:03:15What's up?
01:03:17Kevin Hart everybody
01:03:18Kevin Hart
01:03:22Congrats on all your success Kevin
01:03:24I'm sure it's gonna last forever
01:03:31It's amazing to have
01:03:32Kevin Hart and Shaq here
01:03:34Is this a roast or is this Tyler Perry's of Mice and Men
01:03:43Shaq's a very neat player in NBA history
01:03:46He's the first player in NBA history to have his shoe size, IQ, and jersey all be the same number
01:03:56Shaq is a police officer in Florida
01:03:59If you want to escape from Shaq, just jog slowly away from him
01:04:02Just
01:04:04And he'll fall eventually
01:04:09Snoop is here, Snoop Dogg, Snoop D-O-double G
01:04:12Snoop was like a cool ass salamander
01:04:17Snoop was like a rejected Mortal Kombat boss
01:04:23Now you have to fight fake Krip
01:04:30Snoop is good at social media, but he's bad at music now
01:04:35Snoop, the only way you'll get another hit is if you stand behind Suge Knight's car in a parking lot
01:04:43Chris, I don't know if you know this about Chris, he doesn't smoke weed, he doesn't drink, he's never done
01:04:47any drugs
01:04:48His only vice is performing horrible stand-up comedy
01:04:53All around the country
01:04:54Speaking of horrible comics, Jeff Ross is here, Jeff Ross
01:04:59Jeff, you look horrible, Jeff looks like a combination of every before picture ever
01:05:06Jeff only does roast, congratulations on being the only person on this day
01:05:10Jeff Ross is making 95% of your yearly income today
01:05:17It's good to see Comedy Central diversifying his talent with whatever race Pete Davidson is
01:05:23You just look real, you're just real vague, man
01:05:25You look weird, vague-ass face, and I don't like it
01:05:29I don't like your face at all, man
01:05:32You seem like a nice person, but when I talk to you, I don't have fun
01:05:37Pete, Pete has got a lot going on
01:05:39Pete, I don't know how you can juggle SNL, stand-up, and Lorne Michaels' balls in your mouth all at
01:05:44the same time
01:05:45An amazing multitasker Pete Davidson is
01:05:51Natasha Leggero is here, which means that right now there's a bachelor party discovering that their cake is empty
01:05:59I'm not saying that Natasha's a whore, but I'm saying that Shaq can fit both feet in her pussy
01:06:09And now the man of the hour, Justin Bieber, you dainty wigger, you
01:06:14Justin Bieber, they say that you roast the ones you love, but I don't like you at all, man
01:06:18I'm just here because this is a real good opportunity for me
01:06:23Justin!
01:06:24You gotta give it up for Justin, he started from the bottom, and he's still a bottom
01:06:32I don't like your music, man, I'm not a big fan of it
01:06:35I listen to some of it, I'm not a fan, I don't like your music
01:06:40I think it's bad, I think it's bad, man, I don't like it
01:06:45I hate your music, man
01:06:47I hate your music more than Bill Cosby hates my comedy
01:06:58Yo, Justin, man
01:07:02Well, this has been cool
01:07:05And despite all those foul things I said
01:07:08You seem like a sharp businessman
01:07:11And this is real cool that you did this and let all these strangers shit on you in front of
01:07:21all these people
01:07:21And I actually like that song Confident, that's a good song
01:07:24I like that song
01:07:25So thanks for letting me do it, and congratulations
01:07:28Alright, later on
01:07:34Animal just kills me
01:07:36Up next
01:07:37Ah, catch me, catch me
01:07:38Justin Bieber gets revenge
01:07:40Let's do this
01:07:41Everybody in there
01:07:42I'm not in it
01:07:52Alright
01:07:54Ladies and gentlemen
01:07:55I would give an introduction, but I don't need to
01:07:58Ron Burgundy
01:08:28Listen, people, listen, listen, I don't have a lot of time, alright
01:08:35I don't have a lot of time, I'm
01:08:37I'm currently
01:08:38I'm currently over at stage 24
01:08:43Hosting Spike TV's Your Mother's a Fat Bitch award show
01:08:52Some real clever writing, great energy over there
01:08:58Boy, have we got a great gang of talented comics here tonight
01:09:02We've got Tom Dreesen
01:09:05Willie Tyler and Lester
01:09:07I didn't realize Lester was a live human being
01:09:13Gary Mule Deer
01:09:14Gary Mule Deer
01:09:15Fanny Flag
01:09:17Top notch
01:09:20Star-studded evening
01:09:24Listen, I'm just going to cut to the chase
01:09:27Justin Bieber
01:09:28Justin Bieber
01:09:32You've been taking it on the chin tonight
01:09:34You really have
01:09:35In fact, absolutely abused
01:09:38And I'm just here to say one thing
01:09:41You people don't know what the hell you're talking about
01:09:44As far as I'm concerned, this guy is doing it right
01:09:48Here's a couple things I know
01:09:51September 1st, 2014
01:09:53Bieber arrested for a collision with a minivan
01:09:56In his hometown of Stratford, Ontario, Canada
01:09:59And then beat up the occupant of the minivan
01:10:01Nice work
01:10:06October 18th, 2010
01:10:08Bieber accused of assaulting a 12-year-old
01:10:10At a laser tag arena
01:10:12Kaboom
01:10:17I only wish the kid was a 9-year-old
01:10:21March 28th, 2013
01:10:23Bieber flies into Munich
01:10:25With his pet monkey, Mally
01:10:29Doesn't have the proper paperwork
01:10:31So he leaves it at a zoo
01:10:33In Germany
01:10:36It's a monkey
01:10:38It's named Mally
01:10:41Don't think twice
01:10:42You leave it at a German zoo
01:10:46March 4th, 2013
01:10:48July 14th, two hours late to a concert in Dubai
01:10:50Because he refused to stop playing a video game
01:10:52Say what?
01:10:56Hocked a loogie at his neighbor
01:10:57After the guy complained that Bieber
01:10:58Was driving 100 miles per hour
01:11:00In his gated community neighborhood
01:11:01Eat that, bitch
01:11:04July 10th, 2013
01:11:06Bieber pees in a restaurant mop bucket
01:11:09As he runs off
01:11:10He sprays a photograph of Bill Clinton
01:11:12With a bottle of blue liquid
01:11:13And yells
01:11:14Fuck Bill Clinton
01:11:17There's not a person in this room
01:11:19Who hasn't done that
01:11:21You hypocritical assholes
01:11:27This kid has spunk
01:11:29Moxie
01:11:30And probably a few other STDs
01:11:32Okay?
01:11:40I've always encouraged people to stay classy
01:11:42And what's more classy than hanging out with Floyd Mayweather?
01:11:49Would I love to see Biebs spending time with Oscar Pistorius?
01:11:52Of course I would
01:11:53But that day will come
01:12:01People refer to Mr. Bieber as a kid or a boy
01:12:05But here's a newsflash, gang
01:12:07He's a man
01:12:09A full-grown man
01:12:10Who works
01:12:12And loves
01:12:13And makes things with his hands
01:12:16A man who sings songs for nine-year-olds
01:12:19And cuts his hair like a gay figure skater
01:12:26This guy just continues to impress
01:12:27Is there anything he can't do?
01:12:30In fact, I pulled my
01:12:31My pants down
01:12:35And took a big creamy shit in the green room
01:12:37Because I thought to myself
01:12:39That's how the Biebs would do it
01:12:42Again
01:12:42And again
01:12:43And again
01:12:53If anything, Justin Bieber
01:12:56Not only do you need to continue to live your life
01:12:58With the same reckless abandon
01:13:00I suggest you turn up the heat
01:13:05Oh
01:13:06And one last thing
01:13:08If you're watching from your monkey cage in Germany
01:13:15Go to bed, Mally
01:13:17Good night
01:13:29Up next
01:13:30Justin Bieber
01:13:31There he is
01:13:32Justin Bieber
01:13:33That's the guy you want
01:13:47Wow
01:13:49You know what?
01:13:51Right now is finally time to bring up the boy of the hour
01:13:56You, Justin Bieber
01:13:57It's time, man
01:13:58Here's what I want to say
01:14:00At 21, he's already the most famous living celebrity in the world
01:14:05It's true
01:14:05He has over 60 million followers on Twitter
01:14:08He's at 40 million on Grindr
01:14:12It's true
01:14:13It's true
01:14:14It's weird, but it's true
01:14:16They love you, Justin
01:14:17He's a platinum-selling recording artist
01:14:20Okay?
01:14:21Justin Bieber has the voice of an angel
01:14:24And he has the haircut and tattoos of a lesbian butcher
01:14:28This shit is bad
01:14:30It's bad
01:14:31I don't like it, but I love him
01:14:33So I can't tell him
01:14:33You guys do it
01:14:34Write a letter
01:14:35It's fucked up
01:14:37It's fucked up, man
01:14:39Him and Snoop are in the same position
01:14:41Nobody wants to say anything
01:14:42Look at Snoop's look
01:14:43It's like a teenage boy in high school
01:14:46But he grew up
01:14:47But he didn't graduate
01:14:48But he's in college
01:14:49What the fuck are you doing?
01:14:52Why does Snoop have on Chucks?
01:14:54It makes me so mad
01:14:56I hate it
01:14:57I hate it
01:14:58What the fuck are you doing?
01:15:01Let it go
01:15:02Your kids are in college
01:15:04What 70-year-old nigger is doing this?
01:15:09I hate it
01:15:10Justin, that's where you're headed
01:15:12It's right in front of your face
01:15:15Look at old success
01:15:17Shaq has on a tie with glitter
01:15:20And what the fuck are you doing?
01:15:22Like, I don't even know what it is
01:15:24Shaq is not diamonds
01:15:26It's graffiti
01:15:27You're stupid
01:15:28I hate it
01:15:29I hate my people, man
01:15:31I really do
01:15:35You know, I would say something about you, Jeff
01:15:38But this is all you got
01:15:40I don't want to fuck this up for you
01:15:43Every year you're bank here
01:15:44This is it
01:15:45You're you, okay?
01:15:48That's what you say to people that you know not gonna make it
01:15:50You're you
01:15:55Right now, you know what?
01:15:57It's about the guy that we came to roast tonight
01:16:00And I can be honored to say I'm a fucking fan
01:16:03Not only am I a fan, I'm a friend
01:16:06I'm glad to be here tonight, Justin
01:16:08I think everybody else up here tonight can say the same thing
01:16:11With that being said
01:16:12Please make some noise and welcome
01:16:15Justin Bieber
01:16:17Ladies and gentlemen
01:16:18I don't need somebody to love
01:16:20I don't need too much
01:16:24Just somebody to love
01:16:27I don't need nothing else
01:16:30I promise, girl, I swear
01:16:32I just need somebody to love
01:16:35Damn, you guys were brutal
01:16:37Goodness gracious
01:16:38This is supposed to be a birthday present
01:16:42When I tell people what I got for my 21st birthday
01:16:45I got to tell them that I got my dick kicked in
01:16:48I know I've been driving recklessly
01:16:51Getting arrested
01:16:52Smoking weed
01:16:53Abandoning monkeys
01:16:55And urinating publicly
01:16:57But my biggest regret is plowing my Maserati
01:17:00Into Jeff Ross' Saturn in the parking lot, man
01:17:04And, uh
01:17:05Jeff
01:17:07I feel really bad
01:17:09Because I don't know where you're gonna sleep tonight, man
01:17:13Look, I'm new to comedy
01:17:14But here's a joke, alright
01:17:16What do you get when you give a teenager 200 million dollars?
01:17:20A bunch of has-beens calling you a lesbian for two hours
01:17:32Alright, alright
01:17:33I'm playing
01:17:34You guys were all really funny tonight
01:17:36Um, when we were looking for a roast master
01:17:38We called Jamie Foxx
01:17:39Uh, Chris Rock
01:17:41And they both couldn't do it
01:17:42Um, then I had a great idea
01:17:43Let's call Kevin Hart
01:17:44And see if he has Dave Chappelle's number
01:17:48No, I have huge-
01:17:57He didn't have it
01:17:58He didn't have it
01:18:00Kevin, you were awesome tonight
01:18:02I have huge respect for Kevin Hart
01:18:03Kevin loves seeing himself on the big screen
01:18:05And for him
01:18:06That's an iPad mini
01:18:10Kevin is so short
01:18:11He calls Lil Wayne
01:18:12Wayne
01:18:17I love Kevin Hart's career plan
01:18:20Do everything Martin Lawrence did
01:18:21Only shittier
01:18:25And, Martha, thanks for coming
01:18:27I know that's probably something
01:18:29You don't do much of anymore
01:18:36Uh, Natasha Leggero
01:18:37This is my first time seeing you perform
01:18:39You were really great
01:18:40Even though you didn't shoot out a single ping-pong ball
01:18:43Like Snoop promised
01:18:48And, Jeff Ross
01:18:49Thanks for being here, man
01:18:50Jeff, you look like the emoji you send
01:18:52When you want to tell someone you have food poisoning
01:18:58Uh, Chris D'Elia is my favorite comedian
01:19:03And I'm lucky to call him a friend
01:19:05Chris actually brought me on stage
01:19:06At one of his shows
01:19:07And, uh, it was really cool
01:19:09It was the first time I got to see what it was like
01:19:11To perform for eight people staring at their phones
01:19:18I'm a huge fan of Chris D'Elia
01:19:19Chris gets a ton of girls
01:19:21You want to know why?
01:19:23Because I'm a big fan of Chris D'Elia
01:19:25That's right, hey
01:19:27Thank you
01:19:28Thank you
01:19:32Luda
01:19:33What's up, man?
01:19:34I knew you would show up for me tonight
01:19:36I feel like I've known you my whole life
01:19:37But that's just because
01:19:38You look like the Mr. Potato Head I had as a kid
01:19:47Luda and I had, uh
01:19:54Luda and I had a lot of hours making the song Baby together
01:19:57In fact, he told me it was the only baby he ever made on purpose
01:20:08Of course, I had to have one of my favorite people in the world here tonight
01:20:10Shaquille O'Neal
01:20:12Thanks for coming, man
01:20:14I love you, dude
01:20:15But how in 19 seasons have you only made one three-pointer?
01:20:18I've hit more pedestrians with my car
01:20:23And Hannibal Burris
01:20:25Thank you so much for being here
01:20:26I don't really know much about you
01:20:28But from what I've been hearing
01:20:29I hope you don't know much about me either
01:20:37Snoop Doggy Dogg
01:20:39What's up, man?
01:20:40He's way too shy to admit this
01:20:42But he was actually the Billboard's top male artist the year I was born
01:20:47And look at you now, Snoop
01:20:48You're one of the ten dudes at my roast
01:20:50Sitting right next to Martha Stewart and that Hannibal guy
01:20:53How cool is this?
01:20:55It's so cool
01:20:56You made it
01:20:58Howdy, man
01:20:59Howdy
01:21:04Before I go, I want to thank everyone for tonight
01:21:06This roast was a dream of mine
01:21:08I especially want to thank all my fans
01:21:10The dais and everyone watching at home
01:21:12I turned a lot of people off over the past few years
01:21:15But I know I can still turn out good music
01:21:16And turn everything all around
01:21:19You have my word
01:21:20I will not end up broken
01:21:22Pathetic
01:21:22Bitter
01:21:23Or sitting on the dais of somebody else's roast
01:21:36Let's get serious for a second
01:21:39There was really no preparing me for this life
01:21:42I was thrown into this at 12 years old
01:21:44And I didn't really know what I was getting myself into
01:21:47There's been moments I'm really proud of
01:21:49And a lot of moments I look back and I'm pretty disappointed in myself for
01:21:52But the things that I've done really don't define who I am
01:21:55I'm a kind-hearted person who loves people
01:21:57And through it all, I lost some of my best qualities
01:22:00For that, I'm sorry
01:22:03But what I can say is I'm looking forward to being someone that you guys can all look at and
01:22:06be proud of
01:22:07Someone you can smile at and see some of yourself in
01:22:10Someone close to me once said
01:22:12It's how you rise from a fall that truly defines you as a man
01:22:15I'm excited for that challenge
01:22:16And I want to say thank you so much for taking this journey with me
01:22:19And I'm excited for you to see what's next
01:22:22Thank you, God, for your grace and for never giving up on me
01:22:40But one more thing
01:22:42One more thing before I go
01:22:43There's someone in my life who I owe a special apology to
01:22:46I'm talking about someone who I really loved and lost because I screwed it all up
01:22:49But thankfully that special someone, the love of my life, is here tonight
01:22:54I just want that second chance
01:22:55So if you could come on out
01:23:02This is your motion
01:23:05I miss you, buddy
01:23:06You want to go to the zoo?
01:23:08I'm just kidding
01:23:08Thank you so much
01:23:09Good night
01:23:23Incredible fucking show
01:23:24Incredible
01:23:25So thank you, brother, how to feel
01:23:27You look there
01:23:29It's a lot of balls to do that
01:23:30I wouldn't be able to do that
01:23:32Absolutely
01:23:35Awesome
01:23:35That was great, dude
01:23:37It really was.
01:23:38It was really great.
01:23:39That's my gun.
01:23:40All right, guys.
01:24:07All around the world.
01:24:08All around the world.
01:24:11All around the world.
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