00:02This was a mistake!
00:04Shut up!
00:14You're mad.
00:16Wow.
00:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:34Thank you. Thank you.
00:36I'm Greg Davies and welcome to Taskmaster.
00:39It's episode six and unlike any of the meals my mother served me
00:42throughout my childhood, things are really hotting up.
00:44They've proved themselves to be resilient, clever,
00:47and unlike any of the food fed to me,
00:49up until the age of 18, they have just the right amount of spice.
00:53Even some salt would have helped.
00:55For God's sake, old woman, put some salt in.
00:59It tastes of nothing!
01:02Sorry.
01:03Please welcome Fatia Al Gorey!
01:07Jason Mandzukas!
01:10Matthew Bainter!
01:13Rosie Ramsey!
01:15And Stevie Martin!
01:19And next to me, a man who told me privately
01:22that for him, sex is like Christmas.
01:25Once a year, and involves the death of a turkey.
01:29LAUGHTER
01:31LAUGHTER
01:31Look at you, Lillipay!
01:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:36Hello.
01:38You all right? Yes.
01:39I'm feeling pretty good because I sometimes find this quite stressful,
01:42the show. Yeah.
01:43Now, what I've done, to help me relax,
01:45I've got myself a brand new sex bot.
01:47So, erm...
01:48LAUGHTER
01:49The idea was to go back to the room after the show...
01:51LAUGHTER
01:53Get it going, and that should just sort of relieve the tension.
01:56OK.
01:58I've got to say, I am genuinely surprised
01:59because he doesn't like talking about private things, not really.
02:02What do you mean...?
02:03Yeah, anything. Anything sexual.
02:06Sorry, I've got a brand new box set.
02:08I've got a brand new box set.
02:09I've got a brand new box set.
02:09I was happy to see a March of the Penguin,
02:11so I'm really looking forward to that.
02:12Calm the nerves.
02:13So, erm...
02:14LAUGHTER
02:16That's it?
02:17It was a box set, sex bot.
02:18That's the whole bit?
02:19That's the whole...
02:20LAUGHTER
02:22Keep it snappy, let's go.
02:23Right, let's go.
02:24What's the prize task category, please, Alex?
02:26The category is,
02:27The thing that is nicest to open.
02:30Greg's fly.
02:32Jesus!
02:34LAUGHTER
02:34I realised...
02:35What's happened to you?!
02:36I know, that sounded like I was saying
02:37Greg's fly is the nicest thing to open.
02:38What I meant is, Greg is fly.
02:40He's stylish, he's cool.
02:41OK.
02:41And I wonder what everyone's brought in.
02:43Let's find out.
02:45Sweet save.
02:47Rosie Ramsey.
02:48Hello.
02:48What have you brought me?
02:49I have brought something that I adore,
02:51and every time I open it, I just feel happy.
02:54Oh, hello.
02:54OK.
02:55A jar of gherkins.
02:57Oh!
03:00So you genuinely love gherkins?
03:01Love gherkins, and I do love opening a jar,
03:04like, without having to ask my husband.
03:05Oh!
03:07Oh!
03:07I went on a date with a woman who was much stronger than me
03:09once.
03:10Did you?
03:11And I didn't mind it.
03:12LAUGHTER
03:13You're welcome, honey.
03:17LAUGHTER
03:18APPLAUSE
03:20APPLAUSE
03:23Matthew, what have you brought us?
03:24A pop-up book.
03:26But not just any pop-up book.
03:28A Taskmaster pop-up book.
03:31Oh!
03:32Here it is.
03:34There's your first open.
03:37There's your second.
03:39Hang on.
03:40Where's Alex?
03:41There he is!
03:43Is that the only spread?
03:45No, it's not!
03:46Where's Alex?
03:47Is he behind the door again?
03:49No!
03:51Where could he be?
03:53There he is!
03:56Is that the last spread?
03:57No!
03:58There's one more!
03:59LAUGHTER
04:00You can help me with this, Greg.
04:01It's little and it's all!
04:04LAUGHTER
04:04Wow!
04:05APPLAUSE
04:08Great.
04:11Um, it's incredible.
04:12It's lovely, Matthew.
04:14Uh, Stevie.
04:15Um, so this is, um, something that has been in my house for...
04:21Well, it must be since February, when we moved,
04:24and sometimes I can't open jars.
04:27LAUGHTER
04:28And I haven't been able to open it.
04:30I've just been buying other peppers because I can't...
04:32I honestly can't open it.
04:34And what's nice to open is when someone goes,
04:36Oh, can you get that?
04:38And if you can open it, that'll feel really nice for you.
04:41LAUGHTER
04:41Yeah, I'm tempted to...
04:43I'm tempted to call Rosie out on her power.
04:46I'm a bit sweaty.
04:47Have you genuinely tried to open it?
04:49This...
04:49Yeah, really, really...
04:50It's been six...
04:51Uh, since I've been...
04:52Oh, fuck it up.
04:55One guy.
04:56It sounded nice.
04:57Does that feel nice?
04:58Smells nice.
04:59Shh!
05:00What one point?
05:02LAUGHTER
05:04I didn't realise this was a jar-based task.
05:08Nor did I.
05:09OK.
05:10Uh, Jason.
05:11All right.
05:12This is something that makes me happy when I open it,
05:15because it's something that is... that was mine.
05:18Here, let's, uh, let's see.
05:19Hit it here.
05:19Aha!
05:20Right?
05:21It's a dog!
05:22LAUGHTER
05:24Actually, hold on a second.
05:25Can you open it?
05:26It's actually...
05:26Yes.
05:27Yeah.
05:27Second photo, here we go.
05:29Sorry, it's my dead dog's ashes.
05:32LAUGHTER
05:33So...
05:34So that's my dog, Turkey, and there is the urn with Turkey's ashes,
05:38and that's...
05:38Hang on, isn't that kind of a jar?
05:41LAUGHTER
05:43LAUGHTER
05:43LAUGHTER
05:43I'm running...
05:44LAUGHTER
05:45That could not be the worst jar!
05:46That's not a dead dog in here!
05:48LAUGHTER
05:48The point is that when he opens the box and he sees those ashes,
05:52I imagine it brings back so many happy memories.
05:55For me, it's nice because I get to visit with Turkey again.
05:58Do you have happy memories of frolicking through woodlands
06:00with your peppers?
06:02LAUGHTER
06:03OK.
06:04Fatia, what you brought?
06:06OK, so, the thing that I brought is very relaxing to take off.
06:10Off?
06:10Off.
06:11Oh.
06:11Yeah, you... I don't think you haven't done it in a while,
06:14but you will do it more once we're married.
06:17LAUGHTER
06:18This is what you open to take off.
06:21LAUGHTER
06:22It's nice for me to open because it's relaxing,
06:25and it's nice for you to open because it's going to blow your mind.
06:29LAUGHTER
06:32LAUGHTER
06:34LAUGHTER
06:35LAUGHTER
06:36LAUGHTER
06:38APPLAUSE
06:39APPLAUSE
06:41I've got to be honest, I am starting to feel hunted.
06:45LAUGHTER
06:47You're going to have to decide now, what is the least nice thing to open?
06:49Both jar ladies are taking the bottom slots.
06:52Yes.
06:52Without question.
06:53Fine.
06:54Now, whistle Stevie aboard for one point.
06:56And then we'll give Pickle Girl two points and she can thank me for them.
07:00Right, so, one to Stevie, two for Rosie.
07:02Hey, no.
07:03Can't do it.
07:04I can't...
07:04I can't put a bra above the sweet, sweet memories of a dog.
07:08I can put a pop-up book above it.
07:10LAUGHTER
07:10So, what are we saying, Greg?
07:12Three...
07:13Four...
07:14Five...
07:15Matthew Bainton.
07:16Five points.
07:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
07:20What?
07:21Do you have an incredibly irritating touch to get us started?
07:26Hmm...
07:2767.
07:28LAUGHTER
07:48Hello.
07:49Oh, my God.
07:51What's it with the hat business?
07:52Have you got a fetish or something?
07:55Hello, Rosie.
07:56Hello.
07:58You OK?
07:59Yep.
08:04Work out what Alex has on the very top of his head.
08:09The very top of your head must never be more than five foot six inches from the ground.
08:18How tall are you, Rosie?
08:19I'm five foot one.
08:21You're fine.
08:21So, I'll be all right, aren't I?
08:23You may ask Alex yes or no questions.
08:26But Alex will only answer using his exciting new numbers system.
08:31Fastest wins.
08:33Your time starts now.
08:35Is it made of plastic?
08:37Five.
08:39Right.
08:41Is it fruit?
08:4354.
08:45This is awful.
08:49It's very exciting.
08:50It's very exciting.
08:51It's very exciting.
08:52What did you say, Patrick?
08:54I wrote something when you said.
08:55What sort of fetish did you get into?
08:57I'm only just realising how often you make things sexual.
09:00I'm a sexual woman.
09:02As is your right.
09:04LAUGHTER
09:06OK.
09:07Who are we going to see first?
09:08Yes, well, let's see if they can find out what I had inside my head bowl.
09:11Let's start with Rosie, Ramsay, Stevie and Martin.
09:14Is your name Alex Horne?
09:17Seven.
09:18Is my name Stevie Martin?
09:2053.
09:22Oh, yeah, so...
09:24Have I actually...
09:26Oh, is my name Colonel Begonia?
09:3162.
09:32OK, so no is even.
09:34Yes is odd.
09:3668.
09:38Your head is too high.
09:40OK.
09:42Don't understand the number system at all.
09:44Is there something to do with bingo?
09:46Bingo?
09:47Yeah.
09:4899.
09:49Is it, er, doc?
09:52Er...
09:5315.
09:55What are you doing?
09:56You've just got to work out what's on the very top of my head.
10:02I think it's just a hat.
10:04Oh, is that a periscope?
10:06No.
10:06That's not real, is it?
10:08Is that real?
10:09Give your head a little.
10:11Is that a periscope?
10:14Oh, my God!
10:15I'm smashing it!
10:17Yeah, I mean, I can see you, but...
10:19I can't see what's in your hat.
10:21Wait.
10:23Oh!
10:26Behind...
10:27Behind Greg.
10:29What, this?
10:29This, Greg?
10:33Woo!
10:34There's mirrors in it!
10:36Can I guess you mean they're not getting a hat off?
10:3883.
10:39Oh, my God, it's a grabber.
10:42I'm gonna protect my eyes.
10:44OK.
10:46Ooh, jazzy.
10:48I don't know what to do with it.
10:52That's a mess.
10:53We've found my weakness, and it's pipes.
10:56Oops!
10:57Oh!
11:02Got it!
11:03Oh!
11:05It's a carrot!
11:07I've stopped the clock!
11:08Yay!
11:09I would never, ever, ever have got that.
11:11You did get it.
11:15Can I knock it off?
11:16Oh.
11:19Sorry, Alex.
11:20It's all right.
11:21It's a carrot!
11:22I've stopped the clock.
11:24I've never seen someone using a periscope like that.
11:27APPLAUSE
11:29Bet you loved this task, didn't you?
11:31No.
11:32Submarines?
11:32Be for me aboard, Captain!
11:35Just to be clear...
11:36I've never used one before.
11:37I get my shipmates to do it.
11:38The only question you asked was, is this bingo?
11:42LAUGHTER
11:42She was pretty swift before she went and got the grabber.
11:45Absolutely.
11:46Both of them.
11:46Stevie, 6 minutes 53.
11:48Got the carrot.
11:49Rosie, 6 minutes 35.
11:51Wow!
11:52Whoa!
11:52Well done.
11:55OK.
11:56Who is next?
11:57We're gonna leave Jason until the end,
11:59and boy, oh boy, does he know why.
12:01So, for now, here's Matthew and Fathu.
12:04Here we go.
12:04LAUGHTER
12:05Are you a man?
12:0713.
12:09Are you a woman?
12:1112.
12:13OK, I think I've got it.
12:15Is it a banana?
12:1610.
12:16Is it a strawberry?
12:188.
12:18Cherry?
12:1940.
12:2040.
12:2040.
12:21Yeah, what?
12:2240.
12:231-4.
12:24OK.
12:25I don't know what this number business is.
12:27No.
12:27OK.
12:30I was gonna try and make it unsafe,
12:32and then you'd have to come down.
12:33Oh, I see.
12:35There's, like, sanitary towels in these shoes.
12:37Are you mad?
12:3812.
12:38What are you gonna do with the shoes?
12:40Throw them at you.
12:41LAUGHTER
12:41No, these are heavy.
12:43I can't do that.
12:45LAUGHTER
13:01Be-
13:02Behind Greg.
13:05Can you do the pole vault?
13:08LAUGHTER
13:09Stay there, don't move.
13:11Yeah, I won't hurt you I promise
13:15Right we've reached the point now where I'm looking at it, and I don't know what it is
13:21I've really super glued it on because you're twat
13:26See it doesn't even move I'm scared to hurt. Oh, here we go. It's the carrot. I'll stop the clock
13:33What is on the top of my head something orange orange is on top of your head orange man
13:39Must be more specific orange plastic or rubber more specific
13:45Right let go
13:49There it is stop moving. It's a carrot
13:57What I find interesting is that when the idea of shoes being thrown at Alex try and dislodge his head
14:04fence
14:05Mm-hmm. I would have bet my life
14:06Fattie would have been the one to actually throw the shoes
14:09Suddenly this monster appears
14:14You got the carrot you whacked his hat off with a snooker cue
14:18Yeah, and actually quicker 30 minutes 20 for Fattie a 40 minutes 20 for Matt. There we go
14:23Good luck
14:26Right. Well, that's the end of part one. See you back here soon
14:39Welcome back to the start of part two
14:42Yes now before the break they were trying to figure out what was on top of my head
14:46I can only answer questions using my exciting new number system. Finally. It's Jason's turn
14:51He's called me lots of things this series jerk off
14:55Asshole so here is some retribution
14:59Is it produce 31 is it grapes is it a banana sprouts grapefruit lettuce 28 60 25
15:08Is it a lemon for is it a lime 14 good lord is it a pomegranate 15 grapes 16 is
15:16it a shoe is it a small house?
15:18Is it dirt is it a lemon 34 is it a lemon 35 is it lemon 36 Alex is it
15:27a lemon 38
15:28Let's see this. This is just absurd
15:31I'm ready to be here for the long run
15:33This is gonna be one of those ones where you're like shockingly Jason was doing this for 33 minutes
15:42Is it corn 93 is it a pear 14 green 60 boy this numbers thing I'm not good with this.
15:49No. Well, sorry
15:54I don't know anything more than I did at the the minute. I stopped reading this god-forsaken tab, right?
16:02Okay
16:04All right, then I guess I'll move around. Yeah, that's right everybody get the cameras. Let's go
16:10Hmm is it a seagull 60 is it one of these gargoyles?
16:19Oh
16:26Jesus Christ
16:30Fine
16:34See this is not working. I think what I want it to be pretty close there. Yeah, I know I
16:38know
16:38Okay
16:40I'm not a fucking idiot Alex. I know that I found the thing
16:44Okay, now that can't that's so difficult
16:47Oh boy, this is very difficult
16:50I don't
16:51Don't
16:52Sorry Alex
16:52Man, what?
16:55I'm gonna try this again
17:01Wow, it's right there
17:02Yeah, but what the hell is it? I can't make out what the hell that is at all
17:06Is it carrot?
17:08Hooray!
17:20The school
17:20The school
17:25I talked about
17:48How
17:49My
17:49I
17:49H
17:49H
17:49Back
17:49Thomas
17:49Nice
17:49flowing
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