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Taskmaster - S20E04 - Hey Mate [Full Movie] [Must See]Full EP - Full
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00:01Oh, no!
00:05Hello?
00:12Hey!
00:18Nothing's ever straightforward in this stupid house.
00:33Yes, hello! Welcome to Taskmaster, a show that is as meaningful
00:38as an old man sweeping up autumnal leaves,
00:41only to have them blown across the garden overnight.
00:43And yet, five people want to take part. Why?
00:46Ego? A competitive streak?
00:49Well, according to a chat I just had in the green room
00:51with one of the competitors, it's no more complicated
00:54than an unhappy home life.
00:57Let's play on and welcome them...
01:00Anya Magliano!
01:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:03Macy Enner!
01:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:06Phil Enner!
01:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:08Rhys Shearsmith!
01:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:11And Sanji Bosco!
01:15And next to me, a man who once told me
01:18that there isn't a single presenter in the ITV daytime schedule
01:22that he hasn't thought about when having solo fun time.
01:25LAUGHTER
01:30Here's little Alex Hall!
01:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:37Let's have a look at the prize task.
01:39What an outstanding idea from the opulent orca,
01:42and this time they've brought in the present
01:45that would most make you say this if you received it on your birthday.
01:48Oh, that's just the most gorgeous gift ever.
01:52Greg will give five points for the best one,
01:54and they will all go home with the episode winner,
01:56whether they like it or not.
01:57Over to you, Greg.
01:59First...
01:59Then...
02:00Rhys.
02:01What do you think I think is gorgeous?
02:03I fashioned, from an old doll's house,
02:07a haunted house.
02:09So, if you want to see what it was when it initially got it off eBay.
02:13And this is what Rhys made.
02:15Wow!
02:16Oh, that is lovely.
02:17APPLAUSE
02:18It's gorgeous and opulent.
02:21This is Rhys in action.
02:22So, you actually did do it as well?
02:25Yeah.
02:25Pump... I made the pumpkins.
02:27Yeah.
02:27Put the glass in the windows, broke the windows, curtains.
02:30And also, it lights up.
02:31I put lights in it.
02:33Look at that.
02:34Oh!
02:35Look at that!
02:36I mean, we're looking at, what, a day's work there?
02:39Two weeks, Greg.
02:41Non-stop, up in the morning.
02:43Getting up, setting the alarm, going downstairs.
02:46Spraying, painting.
02:47You got up, then set the alarm?
02:49No, no.
02:49That was...
02:5214 days?
02:53Yes!
02:54Wow.
02:55Gorgeous.
02:55It's gorgeous.
02:56What a disappointingly positive start.
02:59Don't worry.
02:59Phil.
03:00It's a picture of Phil with a mayor.
03:03There we are.
03:04You know?
03:09That's not just any mayor.
03:11No.
03:11That's the mayor of Preston.
03:13Ooh, the big one!
03:16Speaking of big ones, what's that behind him?
03:18Well, it's the biggest bus station in Europe.
03:21Wow.
03:22And I'm wearing a Preston North End shirt,
03:24holding a Preston Guild plate.
03:26Is it a plate?
03:26Yeah.
03:27And I had to find a way to meet the mayor,
03:29and it's a lot easier than you think.
03:32Yeah.
03:33Very good.
03:35Anya?
03:35I wrote a book.
03:37Ooh.
03:38And I wrote a book of all the gossip I've heard in my life.
03:43It's a lovely book.
03:44It's a big book.
03:45It's a gorgeous-looking book.
03:46It's a gorgeous book, and I wrote a title for it as well.
03:50LAUGHTER
03:50She genuinely did do this.
03:52Yeah.
03:53There's 100 pages...
03:54Of just malicious chit-chat.
03:57Look at this.
03:58Ooh, it's like a serial killer's diary.
04:00That is insane.
04:02I don't really know what the Magna Carta is.
04:06LAUGHTER
04:08Is that gossipy?
04:10It's that.
04:11This is the introduction page.
04:13Is gossip gorgeous?
04:15Yeah.
04:16Not according to the points I've just given you.
04:18LAUGHTER
04:21Maisie.
04:22I've got you, Greg, a ball on the end of a string.
04:26OK.
04:27No, no, no, no, no.
04:27You might be back in the game.
04:29No.
04:29No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
04:31I did some digging, and I found a chat forum of people
04:35who had encountered Greg Davis throughout their life.
04:39It's very personal, because I found on this chat forum
04:41someone who was taught by you when you were a teacher.
04:44Oh, God.
04:45I had him as a drama teacher for a year.
04:48I don't remember him doing a lot of teaching,
04:49and we mostly pissed around in class.
04:52LAUGHTER
04:54His warm-up exercise was swinging a ball attached to a rake
04:58around the room that you had to jump over and duck under.
05:03APPLAUSE
05:07The 90s were a different time in education.
05:10Different time.
05:11Only one left now, Greg.
05:12Hello, Sanjeev.
05:13Have you bought something gorgeous?
05:15I...
05:15Well, something that would make you say,
05:16this is the most gorgeous thing ever.
05:18I kind of made something that was practical.
05:21Oh.
05:23It is a tea towel.
05:24Yes.
05:25LAUGHTER
05:26But it's...
05:27But it's this tea towel, Greg.
05:30LAUGHTER
05:35Clever?
05:35Clever.
05:36It's clever.
05:37He's cleverly tricked me into saying it's the most gorgeous gift ever.
05:39What do you mean, trick you?
05:40Nobody made you do anything.
05:41You just read that and then you said that out loud.
05:43You said the thing that was in the task.
05:45All right, all right, I'll drop the lawsuit.
05:47LAUGHTER
05:48LAUGHTER
05:50OK, let's go.
05:51Right.
05:52I thought the stones on the outside of the book were truly gorgeous,
05:55but then inside it was just horrible.
05:58Spiteful, malicious, classic.
05:59OK, one point to Anja.
06:00One point to Anja.
06:01Got it.
06:02Um...
06:02Is it gorgeous, me being reminded what a terrible teacher I was?
06:06It was...
06:07It was nice and fun!
06:08Right.
06:08No.
06:09Two points.
06:10Two points to Maisie.
06:12Three points to Sanjeev.
06:13I enjoyed the trick, but it wasn't an especially gorgeous item.
06:17I don't know why I found Phil standing next to a mare gorgeous.
06:20Four points.
06:21And, of course, you know,
06:23any man who isolates himself for a fortnight...
06:26..painting a ghost house.
06:28Gorgeous.
06:28Five dollars.
06:29APPLAUSE
06:32Let's crack on.
06:33Yes, I think we should, Greg.
06:35And just like when I go to a trendy nightclub in any capital city,
06:38this one involves everyone trying to get my number.
06:44One, two, three, four.
06:47Two, two, three, four.
06:50Start.
06:52You all right?
06:53Yep, I've decided to have a seat.
06:55You look a bit, I don't know, pensive, worried.
06:58Everything OK?
06:59Yeah, they're pretty accurate.
07:01Oh, hi.
07:02When are you going to learn?
07:04Keep dragging back in here to do things.
07:06Yeah.
07:06Well, I've got to be here.
07:08What have you been up to?
07:09It's not that sort of situation.
07:10OK, let's crack on then.
07:12Shall I go into the task?
07:14Yes.
07:15Happy birthday, is it?
07:17Is it your birthday?
07:19Wow.
07:20Ah.
07:21It is this year.
07:23Capricorn?
07:27This?
07:28That's for you.
07:28Yeah.
07:29These are mine.
07:3220 beads.
07:33Mm-hm.
07:34Yeah, nice.
07:34You know, I come from a hinterland of culture which contains many beads.
07:39In fact, people go there to buy beads.
07:42Where are you from?
07:44I was born in West London.
07:45Yeah.
07:46Yeah.
07:48Cool, if you want to open the task.
07:49Yeah.
07:49What number has Alex written down?
07:52You may ask no more than 20 questions.
07:55Alex may only say yes or no.
07:57And you must be increasingly surprised by every answer.
08:01Your time starts now and ends when you say the correct number or ask your 20th question.
08:09OK.
08:09And you can only answer yes or no.
08:13Yes.
08:15Oh!
08:18APPLAUSE
08:20Mm.
08:21Ah.
08:21Mm.
08:22Interesting.
08:24Very much so.
08:27You've gone in pretty surprised early doors there, haven't you?
08:30Yeah, I pitched it far too much, yeah.
08:32God, by the end, you're going to just be screaming, aren't you?
08:35Ooh!
08:38Great.
08:38Let's crack on with it.
08:40Right.
08:40Well, first, to become increasingly surprised whilst guessing my number,
08:43are Maisie, Reetie and Philly.
08:47Is your number between...
08:501 and 10?
08:52No.
08:53Hmm.
08:54Single digits?
08:55No.
08:55Hmm.
08:56Higher than 50?
08:58Yes.
08:58Ooh!
08:59Is the number by any chance a prime number?
09:03No.
09:03No.
09:04Wish I knew what a prime number was.
09:07LAUGHTER
09:07That is a good question.
09:09Is your number...
09:11Lower than 50?
09:12Three numbers.
09:13Is it between 1 and 100?
09:15No.
09:15No.
09:16No.
09:28It's not under 100?
09:30No.
09:30Is it over 100?
09:32No.
09:34Is it over 100?
09:36Yes.
09:37Would it be higher than the £64,000 question on who wants to be a millionaire?
09:44Yes.
09:44Yes!
09:47I've lost track of where the numbers are.
09:48I know.
09:49I've lost track of the numbers it is and isn't beginning with.
09:52I know.
09:52I've wasted so many questions, haven't I?
09:55Yes.
09:56I don't think I care what the number is.
09:58That's the tricky thing, you know.
10:00Hmm.
10:01Is your number on the end of that telephone?
10:05No.
10:07Right!
10:08I'm just going to take this call.
10:13Hello, Lil Wayne.
10:14Maisie speaking.
10:17360.
10:22Is your number 360?
10:25No.
10:27That's insane!
10:29Is the number in this room?
10:32Yes, I've written it down.
10:34I could just find the number, couldn't I?
10:37Yes.
10:38Right.
10:38One minute.
10:39Try not to ask me any more questions, I would say.
10:41Why is that?
10:42Oh.
10:44Is your number, um...
10:46What do you know about my number at this stage, Rhys?
10:48It's higher than 50.
10:50I think you're 11 questions.
10:51Wait a minute, what the fuck's this?
10:55Is the number you've written down the answer to this?
10:58Yes.
11:01Well, don't we have a conundrum?
11:04Is that a question?
11:05Has your number got a one in it?
11:08Yes.
11:08No!
11:09Is the one in the number, your number, at the beginning of the number?
11:13Yes.
11:13No, we're getting somewhere.
11:15Is the second number...
11:17a number between one and ten?
11:19No.
11:20Is your number, second number, a zero?
11:22Yes, but you've only got one question left.
11:24Right, okay.
11:25Is your number...
11:26This is the final question.
11:28Right, yes, of course, I know!
11:32Is your number ten?
11:37No.
11:38The answer is 8,500.
11:42Okay.
11:43Is your number three?
11:44But that's...
11:45I'm fine with that, honestly.
11:46Yes, three.
11:47No.
11:48No, right.
11:48See you.
11:49Have a nice day.
11:55APPLAUSE
11:57One of your questions, I'm just interested in your thinking here,
12:00was, is the number above 64,000?
12:04Yeah.
12:04Well, I knew that it was a big net, right,
12:07so I was like, it's somewhere between one and a million.
12:09What else is between one and a million?
12:11The prizes on who wants to be a millionaire.
12:14What's around halfway?
12:1664 grand.
12:17Yeah.
12:17I did say...
12:19Halfway to a million?
12:20Yeah.
12:22No, no, fuck off.
12:26Halfway through the process of the show is around 64 grand when you...
12:31Yeah, but I said, yes, it's over that, and your final answer was three.
12:36Do you think this is going to be your angry episode?
12:38Yeah, I do.
12:39Do you think you'll come up with a decent task?
12:42And I think you were the only one who got more surprised every time.
12:46I'm glad you noticed that, Mr Taskmaster.
12:50Phil, I don't think you showed any expression of surprise throughout,
12:54and largely...
12:55I cannot believe!
12:58Well, you taught drama by him.
13:07We're going to nip off for a break now,
13:09but not before Alex has tried out his new joke.
13:11Oh, great.
13:12OK, thank you, Greg.
13:12Pan-Asian?
13:14I just call it a wok.
13:19Wok's the time.
13:20It's time for a break.
13:32APPLAUSE
13:34Well, hello!
13:37Welcome back to part two of Taskmaster,
13:39where we are in the thick of a numerical task.
13:42Yes, they're trying to work out what number I've written down.
13:45They have 20 questions
13:46and must be increasingly surprised by every answer.
13:49Without giving too much away,
13:50Maisie, Rhys and Phil were awful.
13:52Now, let's see if Anya and Sanjeev can do any better.
13:58I'm going to be very strict about what is a question.
14:00OK.
14:01Well, the question is one that goes up the end, isn't it?
14:04Yeah.
14:05That's one.
14:06Excellent.
14:08Is the number somewhere I can see in this room?
14:12No.
14:14Have you looked?
14:15Was that a have you looked?
14:17That was a question, yeah.
14:19Yes.
14:20But you asked me a question then, so maybe I get one back.
14:25No.
14:28Where are you taking them?
14:30Oh, no!
14:31That was a question!
14:32Is the number you've written down between zero and a hundred?
14:36A hundred and a thousand between a thousand and ten thousand?
14:39No.
14:39No.
14:40No.
14:40OK.
14:42There's a phone!
14:45You'll wait.
14:47He's always calling.
14:50Is the number that you've written down a telephone number?
14:53No.
14:54Then that is even more stupid, that ringing, than I first thought it was.
14:59OK.
14:59Hello?
15:00One hundred and twenty.
15:02Have you actually written down a number?
15:05Yes.
15:06I need you to be more surprised.
15:09Fucking hell!
15:10I'm losing the world to live here.
15:12Is the number one twenty?
15:14No.
15:15Have you written down the number in this room?
15:18Yes.
15:20Right.
15:24Does the number have emotional significance to you?
15:27Yes.
15:29Is the number your birthday?
15:32Yes.
15:39Mum?
15:41No.
15:42That's my wife.
15:42Maybe don't hang her up.
15:44I don't call her mum, but my children do.
15:47I don't want to know what goes on in that relationship.
15:49LAUGHTER
15:54I'm going to ask your wife for some details about you.
15:59You're telling me, nor asking me.
16:00I'm telling you.
16:01OK.
16:02It's got a full stop at the end.
16:03Hello?
16:04Hi.
16:04This isn't Alex.
16:06Can I ask you a question?
16:07I've managed to get hold of his phone.
16:08That's a question.
16:10I'm not a mallet.
16:11I could just smash through this.
16:12You don't need a mallet for this task.
16:14Yes, of course.
16:16When's his birthday?
16:20His birthday.
16:22I always get this wrong.
16:24It's the 10th of September, 78.
16:30Is the answer 100978?
16:32Is the number 100978?
16:34Yes.
16:37Thank you, Sanjee.
16:38Thank you very much.
16:43Sanjee did pretty well, though.
16:45Pretty forensic in his hunt for the numbers.
16:47Yeah.
16:47And then we saw a crack in his calmness
16:49when he threatened to take a lump hammer to the wall.
16:52But pretty good, I thought.
16:54Yeah.
16:54Looking out that it was written somewhere in the room,
16:56you can always find out.
16:56I mean, it was just in my pocket.
16:57You could have got that at any point.
16:59Were you as surprised as me
17:00that Alex's own wife doesn't know his birthday?
17:04It really felt like I'd got a key to the task
17:06and then it became something quite sad about their marriage.
17:11Heartbreak.
17:11It was an accidental key to the task.
17:13She rang to check I had my sandwiches
17:14and you seized on the opportunity.
17:17Isn't mum kind?
17:21I sense Anya was fast, though.
17:23I could be wrong.
17:24They were the only two that got it right.
17:26Sanjeev, you got it in 9 minutes 43.
17:29Anya, 9 minutes 40.
17:31Ooh!
17:33Yeah, genuinely.
17:34So, yeah.
17:35Anya gets the five points.
17:39The other three didn't get it right, but I guess they get points for how close they got.
17:43Built in within this task was that stupid phone ringing in the theme.
17:47And then there was a real one that happened and it gave her an advantage.
17:51Her!
17:52Her!
17:56I'm not going to factor in the luck afforded that to anyone who heard the mum called.
18:01Well, now we have clarity.
18:05You're welcome.
18:07So, we're saying that Anya gets the five points for being the quickest and getting the right number.
18:10Correct.
18:11Sanjeev gets four.
18:12Correct.
18:12And are the other three getting according to how close they were?
18:14Yes, they do according to how close they were to the number.
18:16Phil, you get three points.
18:18You were...
18:18And can I say, Phil, you do not deserve them.
18:21Two points.
18:22And Maisie, you were just 100,975 away.
18:26You get one point for the winner of Daniel Magriano!
18:35Well, pull my shorts down and smack my bottom.
18:38What's next?
18:40What's next, little Alex?
18:42Well, Greg, we're mixing it up now in an alternative teams task.
18:47And this one's got a whole lot of heart.
18:48Ooh!
19:04Hello.
19:05Hi.
19:06Hey.
19:06Hey.
19:07Hey.
19:11Nice shoes.
19:17Too close to you?
19:18Oh.
19:22Hello.
19:24You all right?
19:25Mm-hmm.
19:26What's that?
19:27Chicken soup.
19:33Pleasure.
19:34Oh, it's a heart.
19:35Mm.
19:36Is this a romantic task?
19:39Make a love heart using your body, the body of your teammates.
19:46The body of your teammates and any other items of your choosing.
19:50The body of my teammate?
19:51Mm-hmm.
19:52You must make up half of the heart.
19:55Your teammate has made up the other half.
19:56You have ten minutes to make your half, during which you also have one chance to record a ten-second
20:01voice note with instructions for your teammate.
20:04You must make up a third of the heart.
20:05You must make up a third of the heart.
20:06You must make up a third of the heart.
20:07Your teammates will make up the other two thirds. Who's the teammates?
20:10One of your teammates...
20:12What?
20:13..has made up the first third and has provided you with instructions. Oh.
20:18Your teammates have made up the other two thirds and one has provided you with instructions.
20:24The most affecting heart wins.
20:27An affecting heart?
20:28Yeah.
20:28What it's got to beat?
20:29It's got to move Greg, the taskmaster.
20:31Emotionally?
20:32Oh, yeah.
20:32Right.
20:34Is he a romantic?
20:36So, I'm going to be half of the love heart.
20:39With your teammate.
20:41APPLAUSE
20:45So, I suppose the obvious question is, why were you eating chicken soup?
20:50I like it, you know when you see a task and someone comes in drinking a cup of tea because
20:53they're just dead cash and they're like...
20:55I thought I'd up that.
20:57Yeah.
20:57It's not quite as acceptable as it to come and eat in a bowl of soup.
21:00I mean, seeing it on the big screen now, I realise my mistake, yeah.
21:04LAUGHTER
21:05So, these aren't their standard tea members, as you'll see?
21:08We're mixing it up.
21:09We're mixing it up.
21:09Let's get some romance on the go.
21:11OK, well, let's see how normally mortal enemies, Anya and Rhys, work together as a team.
21:20I have my supplies.
21:25I'm going to be the top, like this.
21:29But then...
21:30To make it affecting, it will say mum in it.
21:33Hmm.
21:34Like when you have a tattoo of mum.
21:36And I'm going to pulse.
21:38I'm going to be beating.
21:40You're going to get across this information in ten seconds?
21:42Yep.
21:42I'm a really accomplished voice noter.
21:45I usually do them in like seven minutes.
21:48Oh, the voice note isn't ten minutes, the voice notes.
21:50Ten seconds.
21:52OK.
21:53I'm going to do it in order of importance, of what they need to know.
21:57We're doing the heart from above, I'm the left side, it's pink, it's got mum written on it, but I've
22:00done M and half of the U, my body is the top.
22:03The side is the umbrellas, it's pulsing, it's filled with pink fabric, but you have to pulse to make it...
22:16The side is the umbrellas.
22:21The side is the umbrellas.
22:23I need to go again and just hear about the umbrella.
22:25My body is the top, the side is the umbrellas.
22:28Again?
22:29Yeah, I need to because that was an absolute gobbledygook gobble.
22:31My body is the top, the side is the umbrellas.
22:35Go again with the umbrella.
22:37If they get it wrong, it's like that's on them completely.
22:41OK, so she said she is the left side and I think she's doing this.
22:45There's something about mum written in it and full of pink.
22:51Right?
22:52Right.
22:52She's left-hand side.
22:54Right.
22:55Right, OK, and I'm going to be right-hand side.
22:58Yeah.
22:59Four and a half minutes.
22:59Oh, no!
23:00I'm going to spell, um, the other half of mum with flowers.
23:05Get rid of that.
23:08Sorry.
23:11There's a creature on me!
23:13Give me the M of that.
23:14Please.
23:17All I've got to do now is fashion a U, half of the U.
23:22I love you, mum.
23:26Thank you, Rhys.
23:27I thought it was quite good, that.
23:33I mean, from what I've seen so far, you're an incredible team, I thought, to be honest.
23:37It does feel like an exercise that you'd make a couple that's about to break up do to try and
23:42save their marriage.
23:44Yeah, and it looks like you guys are going to last.
23:46Often, a clip gets thrown up that we can use out of context throughout a series.
23:51And I think probably this is...
23:52Yeah, the brave boy dealing with a little bug.
23:54Yeah, OK.
23:57There's a creature on me!
23:59No one comes running in to help, though, do they?
24:02It's one of those things that's going to keep being funny as well.
24:04Yeah.
24:04Show it again, though.
24:05Show it again.
24:06You'll still get a laugh, won't you?
24:08There's a creature on me!
24:10OK, we're halfway through the show, and as Alex's wife slash mum said to me when she discovered his subscription
24:18to Greedy Butter Babes...
24:20It's time for a break.
24:23APPLAUSE
24:33Hello!
24:34Welcome!
24:36It's the start of part three, where we've mixed up the teams to create two patchwork hearts.
24:42Oh, just a bit, yes.
24:43They're using their bodies to create the most affecting heart,
24:46following instructions from their team members via a voice note.
24:50Now, for the other team, it's Maisie, it's Phil and Sanjeev.
24:54OK, we need to do it on the floor.
24:56I think one third is the round bit here.
25:00Second third, which I can instruct someone to do, is the other bit.
25:04I'll do the point, and I will compliment Greg's top half.
25:08Then the next person must compliment his, like, torso, and then the last person compliment his lovely legs.
25:15In a not objectifying way.
25:17Hmm.
25:17You know, like, those legs are great for swimming.
25:20So, I'll go...
25:21I'll be the point.
25:22There, look.
25:23Oh, I'll also let them know I'm wearing black, then we can all be the same colour.
25:27Right, Alex, I'm ready for my voice note.
25:30I'm not going to look at you cos you will put me off, no offence.
25:33Here we go.
25:35Bum to the floor.
25:36I'm the point of the heart.
25:37One of you needs to be the left side, the round side.
25:39One of you needs to be the right round side.
25:42Wear black and pay a compliment to Greg.
25:45Genuinely, chicken soup is really good.
25:48I can't recommend doing that.
25:50I don't want to tempt fate, but there's no way they can cock that up.
25:56Found some black stuff.
25:58How long have I got, Alex?
25:59Seven minutes.
26:00Seems like too long, doesn't it?
26:02Okay.
26:04Now, where would Maisie point?
26:06I reckon she's gone point like that.
26:13How long have I got?
26:14One and a half minutes.
26:15Do I have to stay in this position?
26:17Yes.
26:17Ready?
26:18I'm going to play you the instructions from one of your two teammates.
26:23Okay. Fingers crossed.
26:25Hey, mate.
26:26Um, Maisie's the point of the heart.
26:29With a bum to the floor.
26:30There's a V shape.
26:32I'm the left hand curve of the heart.
26:34You need to be the right hand.
26:37Here we go.
26:38Yes, please.
26:39Hey, mate.
26:40Um, Maisie's the point of the heart.
26:42So, if she was doing a V shape, she might be doing that as the bottom of the heart.
26:49He was the left hand, so I'd be the right.
26:52Here.
26:55It's that.
26:57There you go.
26:58Okay.
26:59Do you think you obeyed the instructions?
27:01Uh, hi, mate.
27:03Uh...
27:03Yeah, I think I did, but I might have just got...
27:10Lovely work.
27:13Well, this is...
27:14I mean, Maisie and Sanjeev were incredibly effective heart-makers.
27:18Straight to the point, clear instructions.
27:20And then there's Phil.
27:22I looked like a reverse stripper, didn't I?
27:24Came in and just got dressed.
27:27You've certainly upset the two incredibly efficient parts of the heart,
27:30but maybe it won't matter.
27:31Maybe the heart will still be a thing of beauty.
27:34Can I, um, see the team of two first?
27:36Why not?
27:37Let's save the team of three.
27:38Here is Anya and Rhys' heart.
27:40And remember, the sad is the umbrella.
27:43Here we go.
27:45Oh, that's good.
27:46That's pretty good!
27:48Aw!
27:48Aw!
27:50On the full set!
27:52Yeah!
27:53APPLAUSE
27:56I think it's very good.
27:58It's a very lovely tribute to someone's mother.
28:02And it was animated.
28:04I mean, I've got nothing negative to say.
28:06I think it's really brought us back together.
28:08Absolutely, yeah.
28:09We're all right now, aren't we?
28:10Yeah.
28:11Let's have a look at the other heart.
28:12OK, the team of three.
28:13Harder with three people, arguably, this is what they came up with.
28:17Greg has a lovely beard that is complemented by his glasses.
28:24Always been a big fan, Greg.
28:26I never used to like people taller than me.
28:29You're the first person that I could genuinely have to look after my children.
28:33Of which I have none.
28:37LAUGHTER
28:43There we go.
28:44Sorry, there seems to be something wrong with the tape there.
28:48I wasn't told to make you a compliment.
28:50That is true.
28:52I mean, if you just look at Maisie and Sanjeev and that heart, it is perfect.
28:56Look at Sanjeev.
28:57What a curve.
28:58What a curve.
28:59Half a curl.
29:00What a curve.
29:00He looks the most peaceful I've ever seen.
29:04It looks like you're trying to post a letter in my arse.
29:10The letter starts with, hey mate.
29:13LAUGHTER
29:18APPLAUSE
29:21Five points to the mum heart.
29:23Congratulations.
29:23Say that now.
29:24Congratulations, Daniel.
29:25That's all.
29:26Let's have a look at the other heart.
29:28It's impressive in a way.
29:29I'll give them three points.
29:30They deserve three.
29:31Three points and five points.
29:33APPLAUSE
29:35One more, please.
29:37Yes, please.
29:38And kiddy up, or hold on to your horses,
29:40because we're off to our horse-based location
29:42for a horse-based task.
29:43And I'm not even jockeying.
29:46LAUGHTER
30:02Hi, Alex Horne.
30:03This is exciting.
30:04It's the viewing deck.
30:06Is that a trot or a gallop?
30:09That was sprint.
30:10That was 100 miles per hour.
30:13OK.
30:14Interesting.
30:16Strange darts.
30:18Hedgehog darts.
30:19Mm-hm.
30:21Binoculars if you need them.
30:22I buried a hedgehog once.
30:24Why?
30:25Well, I found it dead in the road
30:26and I thought I'll give it a dignified funeral.
30:30LAUGHTER
30:32Win the horse race.
30:34Win the horse race.
30:35Have you spotted your horse?
30:41Yes.
30:43Oh, has he got my faith?
30:44Oh, God.
30:46LAUGHTER
30:48Oh, my God, that's terrifying.
30:51You must do one of the following things.
30:54Eat something without looking at the food.
30:56Spin the wheel at least 720 degrees.
31:01Twice.
31:02Throw a dart at the dart board.
31:06That one there.
31:07If you eat an olive, your horse will advance two steps.
31:11If you eat a grape, your horse will retreat three steps.
31:17I've never eaten an olive in my life.
31:19This is going to be a nightmare.
31:21If you throw a dart in an olive, your horse will advance five steps.
31:26If you throw a dart in a grape, your horse will retreat eight steps.
31:32If the wheel lands on an olive...
31:35Your horse will advance ten steps.
31:39You couldn't have done it with chips.
31:40If the wheel lands on a grape, your horse will retreat 15 steps.
31:47You must stay on the spot and you must not move the spot.
31:50First horse past the post wins.
31:53You have a maximum of 30 minutes.
31:55Your time starts on the whistle.
31:56You're riding a horse. What is your horse called?
31:58Doctor Magic.
32:02Called Mashing Niblick.
32:03Mashing Niblick.
32:04Yeah, it's a golf term.
32:06Old Pip.
32:08George Clooney.
32:09OK, so you're riding George Clooney today.
32:11The Envy of Many.
32:13What do they write on the door in The Shining?
32:16It's Mashing Niblick on the left-hand side, followed by Red Run.
32:19That's what they do in horse racing, isn't it?
32:21Red Roon.
32:22Your horse is called Red Roon, OK.
32:26I'm still sort of dumbstruck by the mask of me.
32:30I can't stand it.
32:31It looks like some sort of...
32:32It's like Hannibal...
32:33Oh, Christ.
32:35Cross his orders.
32:37APPLAUSE
32:43Do you think the impact, um, in the film The Shining...
32:47Oh, for God's sake.
32:48Do you think it would have lost some of its impact if they'd gone,
32:52Ooh, murder.
32:53LAUGHTER
32:55I will walk out.
32:57LAUGHTER
32:59Anyway, back to horses.
33:01Yeah.
33:01Can't wait to see these jockeys in action.
33:03Yes, they control the horses.
33:04Olives good, grapes bad.
33:06The first jockeys to the starting stalls are Sanjeev, Maisie and Rhys,
33:10with their horses George Clooney, Red Room and Mashing Niblick.
33:13Do you know, I don't think I've ever concentrated on the feel of an olive.
33:17Well, now's your chance.
33:20You think you can tell olives from grapes.
33:22OK.
33:23It's an olive.
33:25George Clooney, you may advance two steps.
33:30Right in a grape.
33:31Oh!
33:33Come on, Red Room.
33:36That's an olive.
33:37You hit an olive.
33:41Yes!
33:41That's an olive.
33:42The horse will advance.
33:43Congratulations.
33:44It's a second it's time.
33:49Ooh, which one?
33:50Was it that one?
33:51Yep.
33:52Cigarette.
33:55Cigarette.
33:56Another grape?
33:56Yep.
33:57It's a grape.
33:58It's a grape.
33:59Great.
34:02That's ridiculous.
34:06That's an olive all day long.
34:10OK.
34:15Olive, forwards ten.
34:16Oh, no, because that's sorry.
34:18But that's good for you.
34:19Great.
34:28Oh, he's sprinting there.
34:30Feeling a bit sick.
34:32That's a fucking olive.
34:34Well done, Maisie.
34:35That's not worth two steps.
34:39Oh!
34:39The horse will advance.
34:40Ten steps.
34:41We're going to will it to be an olive.
34:43It is.
34:44He has crossed the finish line.
34:45Come on, George.
34:47Well done, Red Room.
34:48And Mashy Niblick has crossed the finish line.
34:49Come on, George.
34:50Expressionless.
34:51Dead-eyed.
34:54Why would you ever have that before your meal?
34:57It's minging.
34:59Oh!
35:00OK.
35:03No, no.
35:05No.
35:07I don't like to be regionally prejudiced, but you hate olives as well.
35:12Yeah.
35:12I've had one before.
35:14Oh!
35:15The hell is going on?
35:16I would also point out, yes, Annie just asked, did you know there was a camera in the bin?
35:20And I don't...
35:21I think I would have made more of an effort not to drool into the bin.
35:25OK.
35:25We're stopping once again in the final part of the show.
35:28We'll witness our very own Taskmaster Derby.
35:31Plus, someone will take home a tea towel and a ball attached to some string.
35:35So, highs, lows, highs, real lows.
35:49Hello!
35:50And welcome back to the final part of the show
35:52and our own grand national of sorts at Sandown Racecourse.
35:56Yes, but before the race, we need to see how Anya and Phil did
36:00at progressing their horses Dr Magic and Old Pip towards the post.
36:05Let's have a look.
36:08I don't know how to play this game because I'm not an old man.
36:11Start first.
36:12Think olive.
36:14That's a grape.
36:15Oh, come on, Old Pip.
36:16I didn't know horses could go backwards.
36:20Miss.
36:23Shall I try this?
36:25Do I have to eat the whole olive?
36:27They're not in here.
36:31They look rag, don't they?
36:32What is that for?
36:34Grape.
36:35Oh, they're salty!
36:36It's a salty grape, yeah.
36:39Oh, my God.
36:40Oh, my God!
36:42This is my Everest.
36:44Old Pip, you can advance two steps.
36:45Two!
36:46Come on, mate!
36:50Olive!
36:52Grape.
36:53Are you kidding me?
36:54Fifteen steps.
36:55Fifteen!
36:56When's that happened?
36:57Come on, Old Pip!
36:59Doctor Magic!
37:01Doctor Magic!
37:01She's going to be in a different country soon.
37:05Stop!
37:06Fuck!
37:08This is rig...
37:09Is this rigged?
37:09Olive!
37:11Grape.
37:13Come on, come on, come on, come on.
37:15Oh, come on!
37:17Fifteen is insane!
37:21Can I change these?
37:23Can I just take these off?
37:24That would make more sense, wouldn't it?
37:26Well, fingers crossed!
37:30Hey!
37:32Come on, boy!
37:33I've got a new idea.
37:35The wheel's about to land on an olive.
37:37Ready?
37:37Uh-huh.
37:39Please advance ten steps.
37:46Oh, let's just pull that short.
37:49What's it landed on?
37:50Walliv!
37:51It's landed on Walliv, so please advance ten steps.
37:56That's an olive.
37:57Come on, boy!
37:58Advance ten steps.
38:00Yes!
38:01Five, four, three, two, one.
38:05We've finished the race.
38:06Blast off.
38:08Let me get him!
38:09I want to hug him!
38:11Yeah, baby!
38:13He's a good boy!
38:15Yeah!
38:17Was he gorgeous?
38:19Yes!
38:20What a victory!
38:22Come on, let's get you to the glue factory.
38:26APPLAUSE
38:31Very nice to see a man running excitedly
38:34to hug a member of production crew.
38:38You know, they played a blinder, didn't they?
38:39Yes, mate.
38:39Well, was it too little too late?
38:40They did get very unlucky with the spinning wheel.
38:42There were more olives and grapes,
38:43but we're going to see them all race as one, Greg,
38:45and we can see who wins.
38:46Ready?
38:46Oh, my God, I genuinely don't know.
38:48Yeah!
38:49OK, they're under starter orders,
38:51but Phil and Maisie's starter orders are definitely not olives.
38:53It's a little joke.
38:54So, let's get down to the track.
38:56LAUGHTER
38:56Good luck, everyone!
39:03Come on, George.
39:04Come on, Red Room, get up!
39:05Come on, George!
39:06Get up, Greg!
39:06Giddy up!
39:07Giddy up, come on.
39:08Good old George.
39:09Yes!
39:10Right, here we go.
39:11Mashing Niblick.
39:12Doctor Magic.
39:14Blast off.
39:16It's Mashing Niblick on the air down side.
39:18Come on, old Pip, you bastard!
39:20Oh, no!
39:21Come on, old Pip!
39:23Gone!
39:24I must have won.
39:27APPLAUSE
39:32And the tragedy is, it was only old Pip that had to be put down.
39:37Yeah, Sanjeev won three minutes 56,
39:40just six seconds quicker than Maisie's Red Room.
39:42Phil took as long to eat one olive as Sanjeev did.
39:46LAUGHTER
39:48Never again.
39:49So, yeah, five to Sanjeev, four to Maisie, three to Anya,
39:51two to Phil, and one point to Rhys Shearsmith.
39:53Well done, Rhys.
39:54There it is.
39:55APPLAUSE
39:57Can we have one more look at the scores, then?
40:00It's tight, Greg.
40:01It's the tightest episode so far.
40:02There are just four points between the top four.
40:04At the top of the pile, it's Sanjeev with 15 points.
40:07Amazing.
40:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:10OK, everyone, make your waiting stage, please.
40:13Why? I'll tell you why.
40:14The final task of the show!
40:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:20Hello, my tender friends.
40:23Who will be reading the task?
40:24I think Anya should read it.
40:26Anya!
40:27Yes.
40:28OK.
40:31What?
40:32This one's mad.
40:35Fill out your form.
40:37Ugh.
40:37Fill out your form?
40:39Yep, they've got big forms in front of them.
40:40There are ten flaps on your form.
40:42Open the flap, fill in the form.
40:44Start.
40:53They've done it.
40:53Give Greg a nice big smile.
40:54They've completed the form!
40:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:57OK.
41:01I would now ask you to display your forms and stand beside them.
41:04There's a little flap on the back of the desk.
41:06And then Anya's going to read part two of the task.
41:08Oh, no.
41:09Oh, no.
41:10Either convince the taskmaster that you have written something other than what you have written,
41:15or exactly what you have written.
41:18If you fail to deceive the taskmaster, you are eliminated.
41:23Last person standing wins.
41:25So, Greg's going to call out, one at a time, a number and a category.
41:29OK.
41:30So, you have to either say what you've written, or something you haven't written.
41:33If he gets it right, you're out.
41:35He'll start with you, Anya.
41:36Number three, and the category is a motorway.
41:39Ooh, which motorway did you write, Anya?
41:40I wrote the M40.
41:42Hmm.
41:43You did not.
41:45Let's see what you've written, Anya.
41:48She...
41:48Oh!
41:49She wrote the A40.
41:50That...
41:52That is what I meant.
41:53She meant the M40, clearly.
41:55Oh.
41:56The A40 becomes the M40.
41:57You're fine.
41:58You've survived.
41:58Great.
42:00APPLAUSE
42:04OK, Maisie, I would like you to do number four.
42:07Best kitchen appliance.
42:09I put a kettle.
42:11Have you?
42:17She did put a kettle.
42:19Did you put a kettle?
42:20Yes.
42:21Kettle, yeah.
42:23Maisie, please sit down and take your form with you.
42:26Gently, gently.
42:27Gently.
42:29All right, Maisie's out in round one.
42:32OK, on we go.
42:33Oh, I'm terrified.
42:34Phil, number seven.
42:35Oh.
42:36Something quite big.
42:37Tell me what you've written and I'll tell you whether you're telling me the truth or not.
42:40I've written, you know.
42:44What have you written?
42:46I've written, you know.
42:48You've just written the words, you know.
42:50Yeah, like, something quite big and I've gone.
42:52You say...
42:53Innuendo.
42:53He means his cock.
42:54And I've gone...
42:56LAUGHTER
42:57OK.
42:58I think...
42:59You know.
43:00I think that's true.
43:01He has written that.
43:02Oh, fuck.
43:03Number seven, Phil.
43:03What have you written?
43:04Number seven.
43:05Oh, fuck.
43:06Sit down.
43:07Sit down, Phil.
43:08Sit down.
43:10APPLAUSE
43:13Rhys, I would like you to read out number five, which is a new band name.
43:21I said Style Lemon.
43:24LAUGHTER
43:33I don't think Rhys did put Style Lemon.
43:35Rhys, show us what you wrote.
43:38Style Bomb.
43:38Oh!
43:40Rhys, you have to sit down.
43:41You're angry.
43:41No, it's fucking disgrace.
43:43LAUGHTER
43:44Please take your form with you.
43:45Right.
43:46Well, there's only two left.
43:47Let's have number ten, a quite scary animal.
43:54Leopard.
43:55I think he's double-bluffing me with the doubt in his voice.
43:59I think you did write leopard.
44:04We have a winner!
44:06APPLAUSE
44:09That's not right!
44:10Come down and join me!
44:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:20Well, well, well.
44:21Yeah, it was shorter than I expected.
44:23Not as high-octane as we imagine.
44:25No.
44:25You were very good at not being deceived, Craig.
44:28Oh, thank you.
44:29Only one person had deceived you, so the full five points goes to Anya!
44:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:35However...
44:37..in joint second with everyone else, so they all get four points.
44:40So it's five, four, four, four, four, four.
44:45OK, so, final scoreboard.
44:47APPLAUSE
44:47It's interesting.
44:48There's not one winner, there's two winners.
44:49There's joint winners.
44:50With 19 points, Anya and Sanjee!
44:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:58Oh, no! We've got a tie!
44:59We do.
45:00So we need a tie break.
45:02And this one is fun and made them look really cool,
45:05because they had to remove their shower cap
45:07by inflating a balloon fastest winds.
45:10Here's how they both got on.
45:13I don't mind that everyone's laughing at me.
45:33It's off.
45:34Yeah, it's off.
45:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:39Oh, God, it's...
45:40It's neck and neck.
45:41Yeah, isn't it?
45:43Yeah.
45:44The winner is Anya Magliano!
45:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:47Anya wins!
45:49Please go up and gather up all of your gorgeous gifts!
46:00So, what have we learnt today?
46:02Well, we've learnt that no matter what happens,
46:05no matter who it ha...
46:07PHONE RINGS
46:09So sorry.
46:10PHONE RINGS
46:12Hello?
46:13Yeah, yeah.
46:14Oh.
46:15Oh, yeah.
46:16Yeah.
46:18Oh, duffo.
46:18Absolutely, yeah.
46:19Later, though.
46:20I'm at work.
46:21I told you.
46:22You can't make me at work.
46:24Oh!
46:27Alex's mum.
46:29APPLAUSE
46:38But more importantly, let's celebrate our winner!
46:42It's Anya!
46:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:46Yeah, yeah.
47:05That's my hopping on.
47:07Thank you!
47:11How did you?
47:12We'll be down.
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