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Taskmaster - S17E03 - Some Impropriety [Full Movie] [Trending]Full EP - Full
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00:02Oh
00:35Oh
00:39Or as my nan calls it yeah being as she is long since dead
00:46Comedians hurtling ever faster towards a total loss of credibility. So please give them an uplifting cheer as we welcome
00:53back
01:08Oh
01:09A man who confided in me that he finds his neighbor's wife hot as hell and twice as spicy
01:18Specifically the neighbors to the left if you're looking at the house from the road
01:31She's nice she said they watch the show yep you said you like it when she puts the washing out
01:39Hi, Greg
01:40Great great actually now you thinking about her no packing those
01:46Packing those sheets up
01:48Anyway, I've got some statistics for you. Yeah from the channel about how people watch the show. This is interesting
01:53Okay, 20% of people apparently now watch it on a device like a mobile reducer. We've got six
02:0064% of people most people projected onto a large bit large building into it in a town
02:06Normally a big hall and the other 16% traditional flat-screen TV still right on the floor and looking
02:13down there and dancing around it with some music on that's
02:16Statistics about the show. Okay. Yep. That was my bit. All right. We're off to an absolute buzzing start
02:23All right, what's the prize category this week Alex? It's the best thing for a person that is meant for
02:29an animal
02:30Okay, Greg will give the best thing five points and Greg will give the worst thing one point John starting
02:36with you
02:36Well, I wanted to get something that was fitting of a man of your standing and stature
02:41Lovely, so I have brought an elephant chair. Yes here it is. It's called a howdah
02:51actually like it though
02:54It's meant for an elephant's back and you would sit on it on long journeys in the past. However, sorry.
03:01Yeah. Oh, I see
03:04I mean, I genuinely did imagine an elephant with a bad back sitting
03:10However, they are
03:12Quite cruel to be used on elephants. They're damaging to their skin and their back. So by taking one off
03:19the open market
03:20I feel we're all doing a little bit of good today. Wow. So if I give this five points, I'm
03:25taking one for the elephant team
03:27Big time big time. You're sending out a message. You're welcome big ears
03:33Nick what have you brought in you know when a pet is ill yeah, and you give it one of
03:37those cones
03:37Just say one of those I just think one of those for a human if you had like an itch
03:43or something you could wear one on your
03:45hand to prevent you from
03:47Itching. Shall I show you his cone that he's brought in? Thank you. I mean you can if you want,
03:51but I already know
03:51I already know how many points it's getting. I already regress it, Greg. Here's the cone. I'm not going to
03:57be a surprise, but there you go
04:00Well, cheers Nick. Thank you. It's pretty bad
04:06Steve
04:07It's a scratching brush
04:09Here is your scratching brush
04:11Now this promotes skin health
04:14Gets rid of parasites and
04:17I was imagining you in the shower
04:19Were you?
04:21Yes
04:22Before the task was set?
04:23Yeah
04:25You've got one of these attached to your towel rail
04:27Yes
04:28And yeah, you go up and down on that
04:30And give yourself a good scratch
04:33You've imagined that I have some
04:36Difficult skin to slew off, have you?
04:39No, it's skin health
04:40It's an impressive load of bullshit for a brush
04:44Joanne
04:45Yes
04:45Can you beat a brush? Yes, you can
04:47The present I've brought you this week, Greg, is a trough
04:54Here is Joanne's trough
04:56Meant for an animal, but better for a human
05:00Yes
05:01It's both insulting and yet appeals
05:05Keep talking
05:06People are going back to the earth building their own vegetable patches
05:09I feel the trough is next
05:10Is it?
05:12You're imagining trough parties, are you?
05:15Yeah
05:15It's all very Bear Grylls survival
05:17Is it?
05:18Yeah
05:19It's very...
05:21You know fans, they love making their own ham
05:23This is...
05:24I feel like...
05:26This is what's next
05:27It'll be like...
05:28We can often make our own ham
05:28They're always making our own ham
05:30It's all...
05:31They're all going back to the land with the moustaches
05:33And eating off the ham hock and all
05:34And I feel like this is next
05:39Sophie, come on
05:40I've gone in a different direction
05:42Thank God
05:44Well, I've got a pet feeder
05:47Yes, one of these timed cat feeders
05:49Timed cat feeder
05:51Oh, yeah
05:51I thought it could be quite good for you
05:53For me?
05:55Just a little bit of discipline and structure in your mind
06:00I mean, basically what you're saying in that prize is you're saying
06:03I think you're fat
06:05I was worried about fat shaming
06:07Yeah
06:08I did ask the producer
06:09They said, no, no, it'll be fine
06:11He needs to hear it
06:21Well
06:21I'll hand out some points
06:24OK, you're going to start with the...
06:25With Nick, correct
06:26Right
06:27So Nick gets one point
06:28Steve, sorry, two points
06:30There we go, OK
06:31I don't want Sophie to be in control of when I can have a treat
06:34LAUGHTER
06:35Are you sure?
06:36I'm pretty sure, so I'm giving her three points
06:38OK, three to you, Sophie
06:39It's something about these young lads
06:41Munching on the ham hocks
06:44Jan, four points
06:46And I just want the elephant chair, so...
06:48Fair enough, five points to John Robbins
06:50APPLAUSE
06:54Let's have a task proper, shall we?
06:56I don't want to alarm you, Greg
06:57But there's something mysterious lurking in our tent
07:00GASP
07:00GASP
07:01GASP
07:02GASP
07:03GASP
07:04GASP
07:05GASP
07:06GASP
07:08GASP
07:09GASP
07:10GASP
07:10GASP
07:11GASP
07:11GASP
07:12GASP
07:13GASP
07:14GASP
07:17Hi, Joanne
07:20Hello, Joanne
07:20Hello, Alex
07:22You're taking extreme measures to keep the sun off your face
07:24Yeah, I feel like I should be in Gilead or something
07:27I feel like I'm in Handmaidens' Tale
07:31Rules
07:31Hey Alex
07:32Hello, Nick
07:33How are you
07:34Wowzers
07:36Work out who's following you
07:39Oh
07:39Oh, gosh
07:41Work out who's following ya
07:43You must stare at the duck at all times
07:47Yes
07:48And take an average laynt step towards the duck every time it quacks
07:52If the person following you agrees with you, they will say the name of a mammal
07:57If the person following you disagrees with you,
08:00they will say the name of a bird.
08:03If the person following you doesn't know if they agree or disagree with you,
08:06they will say the name of an amphibian, of course.
08:09I have very little animal experience.
08:12Why have you got so little animal experience?
08:14Because I didn't study theology. I don't know what an amphibian is.
08:16Right.
08:17The correct answer furthest from the duck wins.
08:20Your time starts when the duck quacks.
08:23When I say now, press the green button.
08:25OK.
08:26I'm going to release the follower. You need to keep looking at the duck.
08:29All right.
08:32OK, Steve, you may press the green button.
08:37Oh! I'm so sorry.
08:39Oh, my goodness.
08:41Ah!
08:42Don't start yet.
08:44Ow.
08:45Are you OK?
08:46Yes.
08:51Joanne, tell me about your lack of experience with animals.
08:53Isn't that terrible? I don't know what an amphibian is.
08:55Yeah.
08:56What is it?
08:57It's like a fishy, like...
08:58You don't...
08:59You don't have a...
08:59Like a lizard?
09:01An amphibian has an aquatic gill-breathing larval stage,
09:04followed by typically a terrestrial lung-breathing adult stage.
09:07Yes, OK.
09:07Newt, salamanders, and obviously caecilians.
09:10Love them.
09:13Let's go.
09:14We begin with keen golfer John Robbins being chased by a keen golf trolley.
09:20Wait for the quack.
09:25Are you a man?
09:26Badger.
09:27Are you a sportsman?
09:29Cray.
09:30Are you a actor?
09:32Kiwi.
09:33Are you a politician?
09:36Turtle dove.
09:37Are you famous?
09:38Wildebeest.
09:40Are you a chef?
09:42Common ostrich.
09:44I don't know what...
09:45Are you a comedian?
09:47Buddy duck.
09:48Are you...
09:48Are you human?
09:50Typical pigeon.
09:52Are you a male?
09:54Are you an animal?
09:55Yellowhammer.
09:56Are you a robot?
09:57Gouldian finch.
09:59So you're...
10:00Hang on.
10:01You're male, but you're not human.
10:03And you're not an animal.
10:04Are you some kind of connection?
10:07Like a...
10:08Are you a cable?
10:10Short-toed tree creeper.
10:14Does your name begin with A?
10:17Emu.
10:18Does your name begin with B?
10:20Olive baboon.
10:21And you're not...
10:23Are you a human?
10:25Californian condor.
10:27Do you have genitals?
10:30That's ambiguous.
10:32How is they ambiguous?
10:34Is your second letter of your name an R?
10:36Grey parrot.
10:37An L.
10:38Capybara.
10:41Er...
10:41Is the third letter a vowel?
10:44Malayan tapir.
10:46Is it A?
10:47Golden pheasant.
10:48Is it E?
10:48Is it I?
10:50O?
10:50Pygmy hippopotamus.
10:51OK, so B-L-O.
10:55Are you Mr Blobby?
10:57Yeah.
10:59So you're Mr Blobby.
11:00You may have a look.
11:06LAUGHTER
11:08Fucking hell.
11:09Not bad.
11:12Come on, you.
11:13Let's get you home.
11:17Well done, John.
11:18Well, I guess we should briefly discuss, are you a cable?
11:24Cable is surely the only thing that's not human that has a gender?
11:27Like male to female connections?
11:29Oh, I see.
11:30OK.
11:30So I thought it might be a skirt lead.
11:33LAUGHTER
11:36Well, he got there, he was 19 paces from the duck.
11:40OK, let's see how Steve and Joanne got on with, to quote Joanne from episode one,
11:44the best physical comedian of our generation.
11:46LAUGHTER
11:49Jesus Christ!
11:53Hey, it's good being a man, isn't it?
11:56Badger.
11:56Are you a human?
11:58Kiwi.
11:58Is a kiwi a mammal?
12:00What the fuck is a kiwi?
12:01Keep stepping, Joanne.
12:03So, reading the news, do you enjoy that?
12:06Vulturing guinea fowl.
12:07Another step, please, Steve.
12:08OK.
12:09Every quack.
12:10Are you...
12:12Food.
12:13Glorca's skull.
12:14Are you a famous thing?
12:15Badger.
12:16Are you the Eiffel Tower?
12:18Like, something like that.
12:19Tony frogmouth.
12:22What else is there?
12:24Being operated by another human is tough, right?
12:27Hairy-eared dwarf lemur.
12:28Shhh.
12:30Can I get inside you?
12:33Oh, look.
12:37Shhh.
12:37Are you a glove puppet?
12:39Shhh.
12:39Gordian Finch.
12:40Are you some kind of children's TV character?
12:43Shhh.
12:44Pigme Jagoa.
12:45Jagoa.
12:45Please, Steph.
12:48Do you have a one-word name?
12:49Northern Shubla.
12:50Oh.
12:51Is it Mr. Something?
12:52Rondon Dwarf Bush Baby.
12:54OK, Mr. Something.
12:56Have I met you?
12:57Have I been in you?
12:58Common Midwife Toad.
13:00Like that.
13:01We don't know if you've met him or...
13:03It's coming for you, baby.
13:08LAUGHTER
13:15Well, Steve.
13:16If someone said Mr. B, I wouldn't have gone Bojangles.
13:20Hearing the quacks with The Handmaid's Tale bonnet on,
13:23thinking about statements that had to be not questions...
13:26LAUGHTER
13:27Being chased by Mr. Fucking Blobby.
13:29LAUGHTER
13:30And that is actually his first name.
13:31He kept hitting you.
13:32But like John, I only came up with the sort of alphabet thing
13:35when the duck was pretty close.
13:37Fifteen paces from the duck.
13:39Joanne.
13:39Yeah.
13:39It's quite the contrast to the forensic things we've seen so far.
13:44Uh-huh.
13:44Uh, is a kiwi a mammal?
13:48Pause.
13:48What's a fucking kiwi?
13:51LAUGHTER
13:51And then you went, if you're not human, you must be the Eiffel Fowler.
13:57LAUGHTER
13:58Then your next question was, can I get inside you?
14:03LAUGHTER
14:03So I'm thinking, is it a building?
14:06Ah.
14:07You know, can I step inside you?
14:09Not can I, like, penetrate you?
14:10Oh, right.
14:11Yeah.
14:11But you were kind of hurling out just objects
14:13and then suddenly, blobby.
14:15Yeah.
14:15And that's because your go-to thing is blobby.
14:18I genuinely am a really big Mr. Blobby fan.
14:20I think he's amazing.
14:21I tried to buy his outfit. Do you remember he went on sale?
14:24Yeah, yeah, yeah.
14:24I mean, the woman's blobby obsessed.
14:26LAUGHTER
14:27And it really helped she got to the correct answer
14:29much before the other two.
14:30She got 26 steps away from the duck
14:32and that was after not believing it was blobby.
14:34She carried on stepping for quite a while
14:35after getting the correct answer
14:36and she was overjoyed when she turned around and saw her hero.
14:40Right.
14:40So, yeah, at the moment it's Joanne, then John, then Steve.
14:43All right, advert time now.
14:44Hopefully, one of them will make health claims for a food
14:47that they know full well is pumped full of sugar.
14:50See you in a minute.
15:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
15:01Hello! Welcome back to Taskmaster.
15:05What were our contestants doing in a field, young man?
15:08Well, it's a fine question.
15:09They were trying to work out who's following them
15:10on an automatic golf trolley, Greg.
15:12They can ask questions or make statements.
15:14If the person agrees, they'll hear a mammal in response.
15:16If they disagree, it's a bird.
15:17And if it's ambiguous, they'll hear an amphibian
15:19because it sounds a little bit, like, ambiguous.
15:22Finally, how long will it take Nick and Sophie
15:24to work out that Mr. Blobby's following them?
15:26Here we go.
15:27Shhh!
15:29Erm...
15:30Have you got blonde hair?
15:32Kiwi.
15:33Kiwi?
15:34That's a fruit.
15:36Are you, erm...
15:38Er...
15:39Human?
15:40Kiwi.
15:41Are you smaller than a large tree?
15:44Donkey.
15:45Donkey.
15:45Are we friends from school?
15:47No, no, no, cos...
15:48Er...
15:49Shhh!
15:50Did I meet you in the last five years?
15:52Common midwife toad.
15:53Shhh!
15:54Do you have four legs?
15:56Shhh!
15:56Californian condor.
15:58Do you have two legs?
15:59Bengal tiger.
16:01Are you over 30?
16:03Donkey.
16:04OK.
16:05Shhh!
16:05Have you used an Excel sheet?
16:08Shhh!
16:10Shhh!
16:10Focus girl.
16:11Are you on TV?
16:12Take me into Boa.
16:14Are you on BBC?
16:16Cappy Boa.
16:17Oh, no, this duck's approaching.
16:19Have we ever been drunk together?
16:23Common mud puppy.
16:25That means yeah, I think, don't you?
16:28Oh, I can't wait for the duck.
16:30You can just keep sort of pacing at the duck and we'll just go on time instead.
16:33Er, British?
16:34Take me into hippopotamus.
16:36Oh, you are British.
16:37Are you an athlete?
16:38Northern traveller.
16:39Are you a cartoon character?
16:41Are you a big grasshopper?
16:42Are you a mascot of some kind?
16:44Are you on the box of any kind of food-related stuff?
16:48Is it Alex?
16:49All right.
16:50Yeah.
16:51I think you're just gonna stay here with the duck.
16:53I'm not all right, okay.
16:54Are you on a particular time of day?
16:56Mid-afternoon?
16:57Crain.
16:58Early evening?
16:59Possum.
17:02Okay.
17:03Right.
17:03I can take the duck where I want.
17:05You want, yeah.
17:07I'm so sorry I saw him.
17:09I saw him.
17:11It's Mr. Blobby.
17:14You're welcome to say hello to Mr. Blobby.
17:16Yeah, thank you, God.
17:19BBC, larger than a human but smaller than a large tree.
17:23Walks on two legs.
17:28On BBC One.
17:30Um...
17:33Pangolin.
17:39Okay.
17:40What's on at that time?
17:43Mr. Blobby.
17:45King Fairy, El Medina.
17:48APPLAUSE
17:55The question I've got, Nick, is that you asked every question about every subject ever before you arrived at Blobby.
18:03Yeah, well, that was, I mean, just to do it by process of elimination, I guess that's what that was.
18:07By eliminating everything in the world.
18:08In the world.
18:09In the universe, yeah.
18:10Yeah.
18:11I like the question, are you smaller than a large tree?
18:15LAUGHTER
18:17Because how tall is a tree? A tree can be very small, so...
18:21I mean, one of the great philosophical questions of my time.
18:24How large is large?
18:25How large is large?
18:27You're larger than me, yeah.
18:29Oh.
18:30Yeah.
18:32Was there a logic to Sophie's questions?
18:36LAUGHTER
18:36I've written some down.
18:39Have I got drunk with you?
18:41LAUGHTER
18:42Have you used an Excel sheet?
18:45LAUGHTER
18:45I mean, you literally sound like a dropped Alexa.
18:50LAUGHTER
18:50I'm surprised.
18:52I thought you were going to...
18:53I thought I was really thinking she was going to pop out.
18:56And we've mounted her on a golf trolley.
18:58Yeah.
18:59Obviously, Sophie can't have a point, can she, because she saw Blobby.
19:02LAUGHTER
19:03I'm a terrible action.
19:04Fucking tough shit.
19:06LAUGHTER
19:06Have we got the points?
19:07Yes.
19:08Well, it's Sophie, unfortunately zero.
19:10Two points to Nick, three to Steve, four to John,
19:11but the winner, the future Mrs Blobby, is Joanne McNally.
19:15APPLAUSE
19:18May I see a scoreboard, please?
19:20At the bottom, and it's been typical of the series so far,
19:23we've got Sophie and Nick with three points.
19:24At the top, it's John and Joanne, both with nine points.
19:27APPLAUSE
19:31Good, what's next?
19:33Ooh!
19:34Oh, no, it's childcare.
19:39LAUGHTER
19:40BUZZER
19:41BUZZER
19:42BUZZER
19:42BUZZER
19:43BUZZER
19:44BUZZER
19:45BUZZER
19:45BUZZER
19:46BUZZER
19:47Hi.
19:49Hi, and congratulations.
19:52This takes me back.
19:54Have you worn one of them before?
19:55Well, in my head, it's a bulletproof vest.
19:59And I am Detective Robin's homicide.
20:02Oh, hi, Joanne.
20:03What's going on?
20:04You've got to look after a baby.
20:07What is it?
20:09I'll pop her or him in.
20:10I can't remember the gender.
20:12Oh, God.
20:13Aw.
20:15There we go.
20:16Nothing to be frightened of.
20:17This is actually quite comfortable.
20:20Good.
20:20Nice on the shoulders.
20:23Complete the jobstical course.
20:25Each job must be completed to a satisfactory quality level.
20:30The baby must remain in the baby carrier at all times,
20:32except during nappy change.
20:34Yes.
20:35Yes.
20:35You must complete the jobstical course within eight minutes.
20:39The least babies will win.
20:41I'd actually like to spill a bit of it.
20:45We want a wet baby and a dry Steve.
20:49Your time starts when Alex blows his whistle.
20:51Oh, God.
20:56Nick looks terrified of the baby.
20:58I've got three kids.
20:59Have you really got three kids?
21:00Yeah, Jenny, it's weird, isn't it?
21:01Yeah, I have.
21:02Yeah.
21:03Sorry, kids.
21:07Let's crack on.
21:07All right, then.
21:08The first to look after the big wet baby are Joanne and Sophie.
21:12I think my approach is going to be to glide, swift, fast and smooth,
21:18like a swan.
21:19Do the dishes.
21:21They're in the caravan.
21:22I am curious about motherhood, so I think this will be good for me.
21:25Yeah, this will be a good test.
21:27Like a swan.
21:31Daddy horn hanging around outside you.
21:33Oh, fuck all.
21:37That's it.
21:38Dumb.
21:40Oh.
21:41Unfortunate.
21:44Oh, no.
21:45Alex, pick up the basket.
21:48Pick up the basket.
21:49And the thing.
21:50I can't pick up the thing.
21:53Bend from the knees.
21:56Now.
22:01Oh, no.
22:03Oh, his shoes need cleaning now.
22:09Stay to your shoes, Greg.
22:11I'm trying to raise a jug of water here.
22:15There's a suffragette turn in her grave somewhere.
22:20Copy last.
22:21Done.
22:22Okay.
22:23Does your big work baby have a name?
22:25Juicy.
22:28Get in.
22:29Get in.
22:30This is why women breastfeed.
22:31Because this is a pain in the hell.
22:34It's your own baby.
22:35Yeah.
22:36Last one done?
22:38Yeah.
22:39Whack it in.
22:39Whack it in.
22:46I think it's very impressive, Jo,
22:48for you to make points about the patriarchy
22:51when you've got a bucket of water strapped to you.
22:53Any excuse?
22:54Can you tell me statistics about who was the most effective parent?
22:57Sophie spilt a fifth of her baby.
23:00You used some of the baby to clean the shoes with.
23:02Oh!
23:03I spilt some out at the start, because I was like, that's going to go anyway.
23:06Might as well get rid of it.
23:08Not stressing.
23:08Speed up.
23:09Yeah, you only spilt a sixth of your baby, so you are currently in the lead, Joanne.
23:13Next up, it's two dads of three.
23:15It's Nick and it's Steve.
23:18Okay, let's do the shoes first.
23:20Oh, God.
23:21All right, here we go.
23:23Four.
23:23Oh, what am I going to clean them with?
23:25Oh, I can't use the baby.
23:27Sorry, baby.
23:28Just, I'm patting the baby's head.
23:30Baby's fine, though.
23:32Baby's fine.
23:33You're not cleaning with the baby at all, are you?
23:35A little bit, and I went in the, um, in the sapy water.
23:39With the wheels on her fingers and bells on her toes.
23:47I think your baby's been sick.
23:49Hang the laundry, twix the cow and the caravan.
23:53Bit of baby spilt on your knee, then.
23:54Yeah, but that...
23:55Oh, a lot of...
23:56That's handy.
23:57I'm assuming I have to create my own line, yeah?
24:01To hang me.
24:02Sure, yeah.
24:04Laundry.
24:06Da-da-da-da.
24:07There we go.
24:09Is that satisfied with that?
24:10Well, yeah.
24:11Yeah?
24:12So, I hand the laundry, dust the carpet.
24:14Oh, was that dusting the carpet?
24:17OK, best way to dust the carpet.
24:27Satisfied?
24:28No.
24:29Oh, baby's not happy with this.
24:34You thirsty?
24:36Oh, there we go.
24:39Now, let's get that nut nut changed.
24:44She loves that.
24:46There you go.
24:46That's not bad.
24:47Yeah.
24:47You've got three seconds left.
24:49Love you.
24:51Love you.
24:57To actual fathers, and with very contrasting approaches.
25:02Nick, you seem very cautious and caring parent, I thought.
25:06Yeah.
25:07Did Nick spill a lot of baby?
25:08Yes.
25:09Nick spilled a quarter of his baby, whereas Steve, in the end, only 7% of babies spilt.
25:14Who would have thought that you would come across in this competition as a more effective parent by force-feeding
25:19your babies?
25:20I feel like I have to apologise to my own children now, if that was anything like the upbringing they
25:25had.
25:25Yeah.
25:26Time for a break now.
25:27I say that.
25:28It doesn't seem to matter how much pressure I apply to Alex's pelvis, it just won't snap.
25:33LAUGHTER
25:42APPLAUSE
25:47Hello!
25:49Yes!
25:49You're back with us on Taskmaster.
25:52Mm-mm.
25:52Comedy entertainment at its finest.
25:54Am I right, guys?
25:55The current task...
25:58..sees our comedians busy trying to complete a jubstacle course of household chores
26:02whilst looking after their water bottle in a baby carrier.
26:05Least baby-spilled wins.
26:07Last up, Ron Jobbins.
26:11What are you going to do first, John?
26:12Well, I'm going to take the baby out of this.
26:14It must stay in the baby carrier.
26:16It must remain in the baby carrier.
26:19But the baby carrier doesn't have to remain on me.
26:27Very good.
26:28Right.
26:30Do the dishes.
26:31Caravan.
26:35Dish is done.
26:39Thank you, Greg.
26:41Dust the carpet.
26:43Four minutes left.
26:44Four minutes!
26:46Never done this before.
26:48The way my life's going, I'll probably never do it again.
26:52Oh!
26:53A lot easier without a baby on your front.
26:55Oh, it's so much easier.
26:57And honestly, that baby's been driving me crazy.
27:02One minute left, John.
27:04Just taking a bit of care with this, Alex.
27:07How much more time have I got?
27:08Five.
27:10Four.
27:11Three.
27:13Two.
27:19If anything, it's a tad smug.
27:23LAUGHTER
27:26But, you know, fast, wasn't it?
27:28Yeah, and it wasn't even about that.
27:29There was zero percentage of the baby spilt.
27:33Oh, don't leave a silence where there's a butt coming and you...
27:37No, there's no butt.
27:38I'm just allowing you to enjoy it.
27:40Oh, that's sweet.
27:41How long do you want to give him to enjoy it?
27:43LAUGHTER
27:46We'll give him ten more seconds, shall we?
27:54No, I unfortunately don't have another VT.
27:56He has genuinely nailed it.
27:57I know he has, yeah.
28:03So, the points are, Nick gets one, Sophie two, Joanne three,
28:06Steve four, five points to John Robbins.
28:08Well done, John.
28:13OK, what's next, please, Alex?
28:14You're going to like this, Greg.
28:15We started off in a tent and now we're going to be intense.
28:20Intense.
28:20Do you...?
28:21Yeah?
28:23LAUGHTER
28:38Oh!
28:40Hello.
28:47Hello.
28:48Hello, Alex.
28:49You all right?
28:52Oh, no.
28:54What now?
29:01Is this right?
29:07Hello?
29:08You OK?
29:11Have you seen something bad?
29:13Have you had an accident?
29:14LAUGHTER
29:23Oh.
29:25Oh, thank you.
29:29Create tension.
29:31You've just given me a masterclass.
29:33Create tension.
29:35Create tension.
29:36Oh!
29:37You were acting and you did it well.
29:40Most tension created wins.
29:43You have 20 minutes.
29:44Your time starts now.
29:48Have you started this?
29:49I've started.
29:50This is tension.
29:51Yeah.
29:56So, like, just make it really awkward.
29:58What do you think of my tension that I created?
30:00Didn't feel tense.
30:02No, no.
30:03Give it a two out of ten.
30:04Right.
30:05Sexual tension.
30:09We're going to need some kind of elasticated roping.
30:13I would like to challenge you to a duel of hangman.
30:25It's not quite working, that, isn't it?
30:28A tablecloth.
30:30Mm-hm.
30:30Yeah.
30:31I'm going to get some bits and bobs.
30:36APPLAUSE
30:41This will be interesting, because I know how to make you tense.
30:44Yes, you do.
30:46And I'm not going to be the only one, I suspect.
30:49Let's go.
30:50First of all, we're going to see three lots of tension makers.
30:53Sophie, John and Joanne.
30:56Tension.
30:58What is tension?
30:59Tension is the apprehension that something bad's going to happen,
31:03isn't it?
31:04It's tense.
31:05We're worried.
31:06Alex, sit with me.
31:09Sit down beside me.
31:11There?
31:11Actually, no, actually, hop up here.
31:12Hop up.
31:13Facing you?
31:15Like this?
31:15This is perfect, yeah.
31:17Go relax?
31:18No, don't relax.
31:19I want you on edge.
31:21In order to actually measure the tension,
31:24we've got both analogue and digital tension scales.
31:33Like Tyra walking but on a chair?
31:36Yeah.
31:39What's your salary?
31:42Don't lie.
31:43Don't lie to your mother.
31:44Don't lie to me.
32:00LAUGHTER
32:01Are you ready?
32:03Yeah, I'm ready.
32:04Increase the tension.
32:05Oh!
32:07Alex, stand firm.
32:09Let's take a reading.
32:11Alex, that's ten kilos of tension.
32:16Our genitals are not tension, just to be clear.
32:19Sadly.
32:32That was tense.
32:39You smell just like him.
32:45What am I doing with the net, John?
32:46What are you doing with the net?
32:47You're catching the marble of certain death.
32:49Oh, I see.
32:50OK.
32:51OK.
32:52Three, two, one.
32:57And there you go.
32:58The marble of certain death, caught by Alex under pretty extreme tension here.
33:02That's ten kilos of tension.
33:04That's your time up, John.
33:06Four.
33:09My whistle's right down here, though.
33:12Excuse me?
33:13Ignore the whistle.
33:14It's just me and you now.
33:15I've got to give the whistle.
33:16I've asked the cameraman to leave.
33:19It's open.
33:20Oh, my God.
33:23Don't even look me in the eye.
33:24I have him again.
33:33I told you someone would crack the code.
33:36I got consent at every point.
33:39Every point there was consent.
33:40There was.
33:41What the audience didn't hear is what you said as you walked out,
33:43which was, never look at me again.
33:48Sophie, watching you standing on one leg with a cup on your head,
33:53hissing like a fucking snake,
33:56is the least tense I've ever felt.
34:00You've never been in that position,
34:02because you're always taller, aren't you?
34:04Yeah.
34:04But actually having somebody...
34:07Ksss!
34:09Well, let me...
34:10Yeah, go on.
34:11If you sit on the floor...
34:19Ksss!
34:21Ksss!
34:30What about Johnny?
34:31Just a very literal version of tension.
34:33Did he create much tension?
34:35Well, yes.
34:35One kilogram on earth is 9.8 Newtons of tension, we know this,
34:40and you had 10 kilos.
34:41So it was, yeah, it was 98 Newtons of tension he created,
34:44which is about the same as a small monkey swinging on a tree.
34:47LAUGHTER
34:49How heavy is the monkey?
34:52It said a small monkey.
34:54How many pounds of tension did he create?
34:58Tension's not measured in stones or pounds.
35:01It's not measured in monkeys, mate.
35:03It's measured in...
35:05APPLAUSE
35:10Who's left?
35:11Next up, time to vamp up the tension with Nick Muhammad.
35:16Ooh!
35:27How long, Alex?
35:29One minute, Nick.
35:32One minute, Nick.
35:47LAUGHTER
35:48APPLAUSE
35:54That's what I intended.
35:56And that then goes over that.
35:57We'll deal with that.
35:59And there's a little...
36:01little finish.
36:11Thanks, Alex.
36:12See you later.
36:14LAUGHTER
36:19APPLAUSE
36:22The old egg misses the glass trick, eh?
36:25That was genuinely stressful just re-watching that.
36:28Yeah, there was tension there.
36:30And I've got to say, it's not looking bad for you on this one.
36:32Oh, great.
36:32Yeah.
36:33And bear in mind...
36:34..who you're sitting there.
36:35LAUGHTER
36:38Right, we're nearly at the end of the show
36:40when one of the comedians will scream with delight
36:43as they head home with their very own trough.
36:46But first...
36:47LAUGHTER
36:47..have some bad verts.
36:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
36:58Hello.
36:59Welcome back to the final part of the show
37:00where things have been pretty damn tense.
37:03Oh, you've been pretty, I've been tense.
37:04And that's because we've come to the end
37:06of our create tension task.
37:08And it ends with me versus Steve at Hangman.
37:28Love house.
37:34P.
37:43T.
37:51R.
37:58L.
38:02D.
38:04H.
38:06M.
38:09F.
38:11N.
38:20P.
38:22C.
38:26B.
38:29H.
38:33C.
38:36G.
38:40V.
38:47Nightclub.
38:51ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
39:19impressive production.
39:20Amazing.
39:21The tension in that room between Alex and I,
39:26and the no vowels hangman rule,
39:28that really upped it 50%.
39:30It did. It was electric.
39:34If I were to pick perhaps a small criticism,
39:38yoghurt cheese and hot sauce sounds quite nice.
39:42Right, Sophie's getting one point.
39:44Then there's a gulf between Sophie and the others,
39:46so we jump up to three points.
39:49Right, who's getting three points?
39:51John is.
39:52I felt tense with Nick and with Steve.
39:56Steve, I felt deliberately tense,
39:58and with Nick, I felt his gross incompetence was...
40:02LAUGHTER
40:02..as a magician was going to result in someone being hurt.
40:05So I can draw a parallel there and say four points for both,
40:08but we all know where the most tension was in the room,
40:10and it was a grown woman sniffing your beard.
40:13LAUGHTER
40:14So five points to Joanne and that's it.
40:17APPLAUSE
40:21Scoreboard, Troy.
40:22Right, OK, well, unfortunately, Sophie,
40:24that means you've only got six points,
40:26whereas John and Joanne are in the lead with 17 points.
40:29APPLAUSE
40:33All right, then.
40:34Please, can you vacate your chairs, head to the stage
40:37for the final task of the show!
40:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:49Who's going to read the task out?
40:50Joanne McNally, my friend.
40:52LAUGHTER
40:53Don't look at me, Alex.
40:54Don't look at me.
40:55Catch the most monsters in your boxes.
40:58The monsters must propel themselves from the table.
41:01Most monsters in boxes after two minutes wins.
41:04And I should also say,
41:06if you catch one in your arm, that's worth one monster.
41:08In your hat, that's worth two monsters.
41:11It's three on the leg, four on the back bucket,
41:15five on the shoulder.
41:16Isn't the leg one a bit unfair?
41:19Someone's got an advantage.
41:21LAUGHTER
41:25OK, so it's two minutes, Greg.
41:27Let's dance.
41:29WHISTLE BLOWS
41:29And they're off.
41:30Oh!
41:32It's hard to even get it.
41:35How do you do it?
41:36They're not bouncing.
41:38Oh!
41:39Oh!
41:46Now I'm ten, so facey.
41:49LAUGHTER
41:53LAUGHTER
41:55LAUGHTER
42:00Yes, yes!
42:04Nick is pulling away here.
42:07LAUGHTER
42:1024 or something.
42:11How are you over there?
42:15Oh, Steve, that was so close.
42:18Tip the table.
42:18Tip that table.
42:20LAUGHTER
42:23Stop!
42:25APPLAUSE
42:26Oh!
42:29It did say in the task,
42:31the monsters must propel themselves from the table.
42:33Are we happy that the stage is a table for Sophie?
42:36I mean, it's an act of charity, I think.
42:38LAUGHTER
42:39OK, I'm going to quickly count the monsters.
42:42We have one in the top.
42:44That's two monsters for Joanne.
42:46Lovely.
42:46APPLAUSE
42:47We have one in the top.
42:48We also have two bucket monsters.
42:50Ooh!
42:50So that's a total of ten monsters.
42:52Wow!
42:55We have two in the leg.
42:56That's six monsters.
42:57APPLAUSE
42:59Unfortunately, the arm is the lowest scoring.
43:01There are six in there,
43:02which is also a total of six monsters.
43:04LAUGHTER
43:07There is one in the hat and there are two in the bucket.
43:10So that's a total of ten monsters.
43:13APPLAUSE
43:15So, why don't you all come down here and we'll see what that's done to the final scores.
43:20APPLAUSE
43:26Greg, I need to show you a couple of things.
43:27Oh, good. Is it related to the show?
43:30LAUGHTER
43:31Unfortunately, yes.
43:32I need to get your judgement on a couple of little bits I caught during the task.
43:40Some impropriety.
43:43You need them, otherwise you can't see.
43:46OK, have a look up here.
43:47The first thing I saw was this.
43:49Great armour.
43:51Oh!
43:55Outrageous.
43:55Yes.
43:56So, do you want to dock him one monster or more?
43:58Oh, I mean, he's disqualified from the whole...
44:00I'm joking, I'm joking!
44:03Yeah, I was just docking one point, yeah.
44:05One monster's gone.
44:06And then it's whether or not Steve's final hat monster was before or after the whistle.
44:12APPLAUSE
44:13Stop!
44:16Well, it was about three years afterwards.
44:19So there's not a lot of tension in that decision, is there?
44:22LAUGHTER
44:22So that means Joanne is last with the two monsters, then it's Nick with five, Sophie with six, Steve with
44:28eight, and John takes all five points with the ten monsters!
44:31There it is!
44:36Excited what that's done to the final scoreboard, because so far, only Steve has won, of course.
44:40Correct.
44:41In this episode, Joanne was pipped at the post, she got 18 points and John got 22 points!
44:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:47He's been a man!
44:48John Robbins is the winner of episode three!
44:51Go and gather your creative animal and sushies!
44:58So, what have we learnt from today's show?
45:00Well, we've learnt that everyone finds themselves in tense situations.
45:04A difficult negotiation, perhaps.
45:06A feud with a neighbour.
45:07An argument with a partner.
45:09But remember, there's always a way to defuse that awful tension.
45:13And this is it.
45:15Yes!
45:16LAUGHTER
45:21But there's only one real winner tonight, ladies and gentlemen.
45:24That is John Robbins!
45:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:43AND APPLAUSE
45:46AND APPLAUSE
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