- 9 hours ago
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00:05Hey, Chelsea.
00:06Hey.
00:07Happy birthday.
00:08How'd you know it was my birthday?
00:09Oh, Jen Cook told me about your party.
00:11Are you fucking kidding me?
00:13Oh, from Jen Cook.
00:15Wow, Chelsea surprise very special milestone 40th.
00:19Shh, it's tonight.
00:21Don't say anything to her.
00:22I guess she CC'd you by accident.
00:24Another one incoming.
00:26This time it's a reply all.
00:27Oopsies, teehee.
00:28How do you take someone off an email?
00:30If she had two brains, she'd be twice as stupid.
00:32Oh, oh, oh, oh, there's more.
00:33This time she forwarded it to the IT department.
00:36How do I scrub my entire email history from the beginning of time?
00:41Here comes the brainiac now.
00:42Hey, Chelsea.
00:44So, casual question.
00:46What are you up to tonight?
00:48Attending the surprise party I'm not supposed to know about.
00:51Who told you?
00:52You did.
00:53A bunch of times.
00:54Okay, my laptop has too many buttons, so it's like a trap.
00:57Hey, I just wanted to let you know I can't make your surprise party.
01:01It's my first annual meet and sauna night.
01:03Yeah.
01:03We meet for six, we meet at six.
01:04Sorry, Jen.
01:05A bunch of us already RSVP'd to Taser's Meat Fest.
01:08It's going to be awesome.
01:09What, can I come?
01:10Oh, my girl, yes.
01:11Chelsea, you have to attend your own surprise party.
01:14I'm just not really a surprise person.
01:17Well, everybody secretly wants a surprise party.
01:19Oh.
01:20Well, just cancel your party.
01:22What?
01:22Why?
01:23It feels very cancelable, right?
01:24I just got that click.
01:25Maybe I'm attending, but I'm probably going to bail energy.
01:28No way.
01:29I already dropped the girls at their mom's, and I've had ribs smoking for a day now,
01:32so they've got to be in tonight.
01:33Nice.
01:35Well, it's just that, uh, you know, I put a big deposit down at the pipe.
01:45All right, I'll...
01:49Sorry.
01:50It's going to be really fun.
01:51It's just going to be us conk gals, you know?
01:54Girls night!
01:54Meat night!
01:55Girls night!
01:56Meat night!
01:57Girls night!
01:57Meat night!
01:58Girls night!
01:58Girls night!
01:59Meat night!
02:00Gotcha.
02:01Good one.
02:01Meat smash!
02:03Meat night!
02:04Have fun tonight, girls.
02:05Sad I'm going to miss.
02:06Fuck you, Todd.
02:11Who keeps stealing my lasagna?
02:13Do I look like Garfield's bitch?
02:15Exactly what she looks like.
02:16A hundred fucking percent.
02:18Luckily, I brought my backup spaget.
02:19Four minutes!
02:24Ice fucking cold.
02:26Here, out of the way.
02:27Double hit!
02:27Oh, you take his butt in line.
02:29Oh, what?
02:30All of a sudden, you're no electrician?
02:31Yeah.
02:32Oh, that's the good duct tape.
02:33Why is a car fixing the microwave?
02:34I can do whatever I want.
02:36Just help yourself.
02:37No, no, no.
02:37I'm sure.
02:38Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
02:40Guys, lots of backseat workers here.
02:42Don't see any of you lifting a finger to fix it.
02:44Who the hell microwaves egg salad?
02:45You eat your Cheetos with milk.
02:48Okay, it's fine.
02:50Oh, hey, Audrey.
02:52Here you are.
02:53Uh, kind of busy.
02:54Microwave exploded.
02:54I'm not stealing it.
02:55So, I need you to help me with Chelsea's surprise party.
02:58She's not really a surprise person, so...
03:00I know.
03:01All the more reason to double the fuck down, you know?
03:06So, I need you to pick her up and take her to the venue.
03:09Miss Conk.
03:10Um, you cc'd Chelsea on the surprise party email.
03:13I know that, Janet.
03:15Don't hinder me.
03:16Help me.
03:17Just pitch me some fun party ideas.
03:19Penis straws.
03:20Yeah.
03:21Um, I went to a party once, and there were penis straws there.
03:25And they were a lot of fun.
03:28Penis straws.
03:29Well, now you have my attention.
03:30Of course you do.
03:30Hey, bendy or, or rigid?
03:34Rigid.
03:35Rigid and, um, hot pink.
03:37And kind of, uh, curved at the end.
03:40Like, there's like a question mark.
03:42Like it was asking, do you want another spicy margarita?
03:45Yes, I do, Mr. Straw.
03:46Wow.
03:48Um, well, Chelsea's gay, so maybe don't hand her a drink with a tiny plastic dick on it.
03:53Good point.
03:54I will drink them.
03:55I will drink them all.
03:56All right?
03:57Expedite those now, Janet.
03:59Come on.
03:59I will see you and Chelsea tonight at the party.
04:02Okay?
04:03Pick her up.
04:03Oh, my God.
04:06Fuck my life.
04:07Shit.
04:08Where the fuck are you taking us, Taze?
04:09Ooh.
04:10Wait till you see what I got you for tonight, boys.
04:12Let's put the fucking hat.
04:13It's a banyard.
04:14It's a banyard.
04:14It comes to the bathtub.
04:15Jesus Christ.
04:15Look it up.
04:17There she is.
04:19There's no fucking way that's up to code.
04:21Yeah.
04:22My code.
04:22I'm just kind of doing my own thing.
04:24Come on.
04:24Does it even have a carbon monoxide detector?
04:27Loser detectors, I call them.
04:28Smells good.
04:29You know, we could just call 911 now and save them a trip later.
04:32It's already so sweaty in here.
04:33Yeah, can you pre-book an ambulance?
04:35Come on, man.
04:35The heat's good for you.
04:36Oh, nice touch, Taze.
04:38Where the hell did you get these?
04:40Not bad.
04:41Imperial Valley Hotel Express.
04:43Nothing but the best for my buds, right?
04:45Steam, sweat, heat ribs.
04:47Yeah, buddy.
04:49Shit.
04:49Hey, turn off the music.
04:51It's in there.
04:52Wow.
04:52These?
04:53Eat up, boys.
04:54I'm throwing some more logs in the forest.
05:00Can we get some frozen margs, please?
05:02Make it three.
05:03Sorry, senorita.
05:04No ice.
05:06Machine.
05:06Es muerta.
05:07Machine no work.
05:08Machine no work?
05:09This is a bar.
05:10And yet, this is where we find ourselves.
05:12Sunglass.
05:13They're here.
05:14They're here.
05:14They're here.
05:15Everyone hide.
05:16Everyone hide.
05:17Hide, hide, hide, hide, hide.
05:18I cannot stress this enough.
05:19She knows about this.
05:21We're here.
05:22Surprise, surprise, surprise.
05:24Just what I wanted.
05:25Don't you love it?
05:26So, everyone, come out wherever you are.
05:29Surprise.
05:30Surprise.
05:31Happy fucking birthday.
05:33Oh, hi.
05:34Surprise.
05:35Surprise.
05:36Whoa, penis stress.
05:38Oh, ah.
05:38Ah, so thoughtful.
05:41Thanks.
05:43Holy shit, my bag is sweating now.
05:46Oh, God, I got the meat sweats.
05:47God, pass me a beer, would you?
05:49You go, bro.
05:51Get her in you.
05:52Oh.
05:53That'll work, too.
05:56That'll cool you off.
05:57That is a good idea.
05:59Do it, Dewey.
06:00My turn.
06:01Yeah, yeah, yeah.
06:02Yeah, so could do.
06:04Come on, dude.
06:05This is the best flavor.
06:06Yes, dude.
06:07Hey, boys.
06:09Where's the meat?
06:09Hey, get in here.
06:11Close it up.
06:11Keep the meat in.
06:12Oh, oh, oh.
06:12Sorry, I'm late.
06:13I'm ready to get crazy, boys.
06:14Where the fuck were you?
06:15Oh, is that my duck blind?
06:17Two bricks already started eating without another bear.
06:19Immediately.
06:20Get a little rumbly in the tub.
06:21Oh, he is.
06:22Get in there.
06:24Knock.
06:25Knock.
06:25Knock.
06:25Knock.
06:26Knock.
06:26Knock.
06:26Knock.
06:26Knock.
06:26Knock.
06:26Knock.
06:27Knock about or pressing down ribs.
06:28Eat up, brother.
06:29There's more meat where that came from.
06:31Hasse yourself.
06:33There's meat woods.
06:37Here we go.
06:39Ooh, weird.
06:40Belgian girl.
06:41Yes.
06:42Boss of the birthday girl.
06:44And Janet.
06:46Don't post that.
06:47Janet.
06:47Too late.
06:48No, no, Janet our entertainment is 30 seconds away. Who who's 30 seconds away? What did you do brace yourselves?
06:56Okay, close your eyes. Come on. The surprise is almost here
07:03Hi
07:09We're at a rock
07:19I'm good to go
07:20Take it away
07:22Oh
07:22God
07:23Look at that part
07:27Surprise Chelsea
07:29Elliot?
07:31What the fuck?
07:33I can't help myself around meat
07:36That's all good. Makes me crazy
07:37Is it the five pounds of meat or the twelve beer you just drank?
07:39Small sips. I think you're making it worse
07:41This will pass. I once had an uncle who ate two rotisserie chickens in one sitting bones and all
07:47He crushed a call point, burped for 30 seconds, and then rolled along like nothing fucking happened
07:54See?
07:56Progress
07:58The food bill that must have reached his lower stomach by now. We need to exercise it out of him
08:02gently like a baby
08:06Work with me, come on
08:08Okay
08:09Cool, cool. Everyone's looking loosey-goosey. Yeah, good times. Hey quick ask. What now? You fellas help me move a
08:16small fridge
08:18Oh
08:22Absolutely not
08:22It's in my basement. We can move it up the back of my steps to my garage real quick
08:26Fuck you, dude!
08:27If we got the momentum, then maybe we can get to the L-shaped couch too
08:30Not fucking happening
08:31Fuck you
08:31That's fair, that's fair. You do your thing, you digest, but enjoy the freshly scented room
08:36See you in five minutes
08:37Mark Mark
08:42Where'd you find him? A parking lot?
08:43A dude dash
08:44It's like a food delivery app, but for erotic dancers
08:50Why?
08:50Sorry, Chelsea
08:51I tried to tell them
08:52Couldn't get a lady stripper?
08:53Well, I could've, yeah, but they were way more expensive
08:56And besides, he's like a local talent
08:59Oh, and ladies, if you could give me a nice review, you know, it doesn't have to be nothing wrong
09:04Just like, you know, showed up on time, easy on the ice
09:07You know, five stars
09:09No stars
09:09This is not happening
09:10Do you think she's having fun?
09:12Hey, Chelsea
09:13Happy birthday, girlfriend
09:16Live in the dream
09:19Call her the beast
09:20Half appliance, half curse
09:23She's been down here 14 years, boys
09:25What?
09:26Nobody's moved her
09:28Not because they didn't try
09:29Because she didn't want to be moved
09:32She survived a flood
09:33A blackout
09:34And a bear attack
09:36Fuck?
09:37What kind of bear?
09:38Big
09:39She may give off some chemical smell, but she still makes ice
09:44And that noise
09:46That's how she talks
09:47If you listen close
09:50She'll speak to you
09:56The motherfuckers!
09:57Oh, my gosh
09:57Fuck with you
10:00How's Sarnia?
10:01On Namibia, actually
10:02Uranium conference was a total cock stretch
10:04But happy to be home
10:05Where are all the kids?
10:06Kids?
10:07What kids?
10:08I wouldn't miss Mary Frances' birthday
10:10About that, Mehdi
10:11I just needed help moving this fridge
10:13What?
10:14He lured everyone here and love-bombed us with sauna ribs
10:18Yeah, you always ask why I don't trust?
10:19This is why I don't trust
10:21Come on, I've helped you all move some sort of shit at some point or other
10:24I don't even pretend like I haven't
10:25You helped me move a small ottoman once
10:27And you kept the fucking thing
10:29Oh, that's where that came from
10:30Fuck it!
10:30Enough talk!
10:31These hernias aren't gonna bulge themselves
10:33The sooner we do this
10:35The sooner we can get back to drinking
10:36Yes!
10:38What?
10:39It's alive!
10:41You should know what you're coming from
10:44Fossil kit
10:46Sweet
10:47I need more meat
10:48Is that a sausage?
10:52He's at stage eight
10:53Hallucinations
10:53Okay, ladies
10:55Break's almost over
10:56Don't forget your tip
10:57Oh, five stars from me, Billy
11:00What?
11:01What do you say?
11:02When we're spinning around the horn for old time's sake?
11:04Hard pass, no
11:05How hard?
11:06What?
11:07You in like a relationship?
11:08Or like in love or something?
11:10Oh, is it with that dude down at the marina with the pet bald eagle?
11:13Who are you talking about?
11:14You know, the guy with the like tattoos on his wing
11:17How do you know that, Billy?
11:20Everybody knows
11:22You okay, buddy?
11:24Yeah, I've never been happier
11:26Oh, um
11:29My phone
11:30Okay, I think I got it
11:31What do you think?
11:33Get your fucking shit together
11:35Post it!
11:36Anyway, are you like sticking around?
11:38Cause like you got this new number
11:40There's a dude, real showstopper
11:42I could really use some assistance
11:45Fuck off Billy, your agent's on the phone
11:48Oh shit, that must be the right commercial
11:50Oh my god, I have been with some fucking losers
11:53Girl, you gotta type
11:55Except for Chelsea
12:01Is this your wedding cake?
12:03Yeah, my third one
12:04Got some from the second one in here somewhere
12:06My lasagna!
12:08That's my topperware!
12:09What?
12:09My name's on it
12:10No it's not
12:11Dewey, snap to it
12:13Dewey, right there
12:13Gotta move the beast across the floor
12:15Around the corner and up those back stairs
12:16Oh
12:17Those look far away
12:18Oh Christ
12:19Are you serious?
12:20They're just right there
12:21Grab a corner and we'll navigate
12:22Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
12:23Where the fuck do you get to navigate?
12:24That's the easiest part
12:25Four guys, four corners
12:27Bullshit
12:27Look, none of you assholes helped when I had to move
12:30Alright, I had to drag a futon up
12:31Three flights of stairs
12:32Hazer said he wasn't built for staircases
12:35Oh
12:35What the fuck are you actually built for?
12:37Calimony, apparently
12:38Come on
12:40Alright
12:40Fuck's sake
12:41Not that bad
12:42Alright, I'll take that far corner
12:43It's not as heavy, my back's
12:44Damn, I want that corner
12:45Look
12:46Back off
12:46I'm gonna count us in
12:48One
12:49Two
12:50Three
12:50Three
12:50Left
12:52Dude, he's fucked
12:53You gotta left when you say left
12:55Okay, alright
12:56Fuck's sake
12:56Come on
12:58He
13:01Duck walk
13:01Oh, duck walk
13:03What is a duck walk?
13:04Shut the fuck out, I'm not the duck walk
13:05That's the right
13:05That's not the worst dude
13:07No, no, no, you're stuck
13:10Damn
13:10Damn
13:11Chip it's a gun
13:12Careful
13:14What the
13:15Dude
13:16Are you alright?
13:17It's okay, I'll get it
13:19You're okay?
13:19It's alright, it's alright, let's keep going this side
13:21Careful
13:21Ah, my hand
13:23Fuck
13:24Motherfucker
13:25This beast is cursed
13:27It should be left to die like the animal that it is
13:29You're taking this piece of shit to the dump right now
13:32Alright, regroup
13:34Come on guys
13:36One
13:38Two
13:39Three
13:39Dewey, if you say lift and don't lift one more time, I swear
13:42I'm gonna fold you in half and stuff you in this fucking fridge
13:45Okay, I will lift
13:46And lift
13:47Holy fuck this is happening
13:48Out of my hands
13:50I'm pissed, I'm pissed
13:52Leave
13:53Come on guys
13:55Watch out, watch out, watch out
13:56Yes
13:57Yes
13:59This thing got me in the hideout
14:01It's a sprinting cobra
14:02And there goes the free on my hand
14:04Hey, great work Dewey
14:06Hey, take a breather
14:07You'll be fine
14:08Okay, enough
14:09Why are we even trying to move this piece of shit?
14:11Piece of shit?
14:13Cause this is all I got left from my dad
14:15What?
14:16Yeah, that's right
14:17Before he got sick, my dad loved pickling
14:19Pickling?
14:20He started all here in the beast
14:22You know, I kept him busy during some trying times
14:26He loved it, he pickled everything
14:28Eggs, peppers, pig's feet
14:30Okay, you lost me a pig's feet
14:31Sauerbraten?
14:32Sauerbraten
14:33It's good
14:34Yeah
14:35And after he passed
14:36Everything else got sold
14:38His clothes
14:39Terrible
14:40Stereo
14:40His prosthetic leg
14:42Oh, jeez
14:42Except for this beauty
14:44She stayed
14:45The fuck?
14:46Yeah
14:47Ooh
14:47Ooh
14:48Don't you worry
14:49Ooh
14:50Yeah, people invite him to his house
14:51Oh, no
14:52Billy, you weasel
14:53Don't you worry
14:54You're letting this happen, please
14:56The guy just brought people together with his pickles
14:58I'm sorry, man
15:00Yeah
15:00Thanks, guys
15:03This is fucked!
15:04No, thanks for breaking the mood, Backwoods
15:06Look who finally decided to show up to the moving party
15:08You guys said you wanted some fucking help?
15:10Have at it
15:10Let's fucking get it!
15:13Good luck
15:15Alright, thanks for helping, we're gonna take a break
15:17Good luck
15:18You got some ribs and beers upstairs
15:19Oh, my God
15:22At least I left this shit hole and made something out of my life in the big show
15:29Is that you?
15:31Absolutely, birthday girl, and what's with all the fucking dicks?
15:35God
15:35Look, I got one here
15:36Let me sign up for you
15:37For your birthday special
15:38For me
15:39You know
15:39So, what's your deal?
15:41Like, accounting? Office? Clerk?
15:45Nope
15:45Oh
15:46Big boss lady
15:47No, I work for her
15:51Like, look at that
15:52Oh, my God
15:53You work for that train wreck?
15:54Send it!
15:55Yep
15:56It'll be on my tombstone
15:58Babyside a Nepo baby all day at work
16:00And made her a ton of money
16:01Died lonely
16:06I'm gonna go get aggressively fucked up now
16:09This is 40? This is 40?
16:11Oh, no
16:12Oh, you have to take one of these
16:13Please
16:17Fuck!
16:19Sorry
16:25Video message? Really?
16:27Hey Chelsea, it's Donny again from Corn Pulse
16:29You didn't return any of my other calls, so I'll get right to it
16:32Our VP of operations just stepped down
16:35You free for a chat?
16:44Ah, shit
16:45Fuck, that thing's stuck
16:47That's not going anywhere
16:47I guess I can't use my back door anymore
16:52Dewey, what the fuck?
16:54Ah, Miles free on exposure
16:56Probably under 400 OEL
16:58He'll be fine
16:58You know
16:59Taser, I'm so sorry
17:01I didn't know
17:02Your father passed
17:03It's uh
17:04But you know
17:05The way you spoke about him
17:06It was so, so vivid
17:07It was like he was still alive
17:09He is
17:11I lied
17:12What?
17:13I made up all the stuff about the fridge
17:14And all the stuff about my dad
17:15I wanted the fridge to seem more meaningful
17:17So you guys would help
17:18Even the sauerbraten part?
17:20Yep
17:21Dick moves, man
17:22You conned us
17:23Ah!
17:24Ah!
17:25Ah!
17:26Coming back from the farm
17:27Ah!
17:28Ah!
17:30Ah!
17:33The...
17:33The beast is toast
17:37Sorry, Chase
17:38But I really needed that
17:39Glad I could help
17:41You did shit
17:42Useless
17:42Taser, your dad would have been proud of you
17:45I guess Noah
17:46Were you not here for the his dad's alive part?
17:49Or what?
17:49Maybe.
17:52Well, time to move that all-shaped couch, boys.
17:54Come on.
17:54No way.
17:55Fuck yourself.
17:58Fuck.
18:01Make it happen.
18:02Hi.
18:03Take it around in a little bit, please.
18:05What's happening now?
18:06Fire on all of you guys.
18:08He's dead.
18:08Oh, I'm sorry.
18:09I want you to fix you.
18:10Oh, he's spitting on her.
18:12Okay, bye.
18:13Safe.
18:14Oh, my God, you need to watch that, man.
18:15Here we go.
18:16Okay.
18:18Okay, get back a little bit.
18:21And the feeling of a nut.
18:24Hey, get out of time for me.
18:28Take the moment of embrace.
18:32I'm sorry.
18:33I'm sorry.
18:35Chelsea, Chelsea, Chelsea.
18:37I got a true nature child.
19:04I'm going out tonight.
19:06I'm feeling all right.
19:08I'm going to let it all hang out.
19:12Okay, so let me get this straight.
19:14You were in the game.
19:16You did erotic dance?
19:16Yeah, I did.
19:18For a bit.
19:18I did the swinging cage.
19:20Wow.
19:21And advanced pole.
19:22Yeah, those are my two specialties.
19:23You did pole.
19:24No, man.
19:25I'm self-tied.
19:26That's impressive.
19:27Yeah.
19:28I ran as pheromone rush.
19:30You know, that's ringing a bell.
19:32Yeah, I'm not surprised.
19:33You know, back then, I was cut.
19:34I was ripped.
19:35I had a nice kind of physique going.
19:37But now, you know what?
19:38Come on.
19:39I can see it.
19:41Oh, I can see it.
19:43Oh, I hate to leave you for the ladies, bud.
19:45But no, good.
19:46Yeah.
19:47Yeah, you guys ready?
19:49I fucking love this song.
20:17The best thing about being a woman
20:21It's a prerogative to have a little fun
20:25Fun! Fun!
20:26Yeah, fun!
20:27Uh-oh-oh, totally crazy
20:29Forget I'm a lady
20:31Men's shirt, short shirt
20:34Uh-oh-oh, really go wild, yeah
20:37They win in this style
20:39Uh-oh-oh