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Norm Macdonald Live S03E05 Norm Macdonald with Bobby Lee DD 2 monkee
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00:00Tonight, for the full hour, comedian Bobby Lee, and we'll be talking specifically about stand-up comedy.
00:10We're going to start with the opening remarks, as always.
00:13Beside me is my trusty sidekick, and boy, I had some kind of experience, something I've never had before.
00:23What happened?
00:24I was approached. Who's my favorite comedian?
00:26Greg Proops.
00:27No.
00:28Bob Hope.
00:28Bob Hope.
00:30What was Bob Hope?
00:30Well, I was approached by the USO to do a show.
00:34That's exciting.
00:35It was amazing. It was not only me. There was Brooke Shields appeared, Lonnie Anderson, Gary Sandy.
00:44Lonnie Anderson insisted on Gary Sandy.
00:48Oh.
00:49Who else was there? Sam Seder.
00:54John Pinette. God rest his soul.
00:57Well, anyways, I wasn't in that part of the show.
01:04Right.
01:04That was the main stage.
01:05They had me and you over on another stage.
01:11That's right.
01:12That's right.
01:12And it was a little bit of a surprise, you know?
01:14To not be on the main stage?
01:15Well, because of what they did.
01:17I mean, we'll get to the clip and the people at home will know what I'm talking about.
01:22Oh, right.
01:22But things are changing.
01:24Mm-hmm.
01:24You know, and you've got to keep up.
01:26Yeah.
01:26And I don't know if I was exactly ready for this, but we did our best.
01:32Sure did.
01:33And so let's let the folks at home take a look right now.
01:37Right here.
01:37You can look, too.
01:39Adam Egan.
01:40Right at that camera.
01:42Where's my tree?
01:43Right there.
01:44Ah.
01:44And we're going to look now at the USO tour.
01:48Not the main stage.
01:50How's everybody doing out there?
01:52This is Norm USO McDonald.
01:55Well, isn't this wild?
01:56When I was told I was going to perform for a bunch of drones, I thought I was being booked
02:01on The View.
02:04But I'll tell you, drones, that I hear the locals are complaining about your manners.
02:09Apparently, you keep dropping in on them unannounced.
02:15Well, I see a lot of you are carrying cameras.
02:17Always feel free to take pictures of me, but don't relay them to forward command to call
02:22in mortar fire.
02:25Okay, fellas.
02:26I just want to remind you all what you're fighting for.
02:29Come on out of here.
02:30No, no, settle down.
02:32It's not Adam Egan.
02:32It's not Adam Egan.
02:34No, no, no.
02:35But Adam has brought a little friend, a surprise, on his phone.
02:39He has the super sexiest robot that ever existed.
02:44You fellas, I don't know who I'm talking about.
02:46It's Siri, everybody.
02:48And she's got a song for us.
02:51God bless America.
02:53Land that I love.
02:54Stand beside her and guide her.
02:56Through the night with the light from above.
02:58From the mountains, to the prairies, to the oceans white with foam.
03:03Well, how about that?
03:04I'll just tell you, drone audiences are the best audiences in the world.
03:19Our guest, for the full hour, actor, comedian, writer, Bobby Lee, and his credits stretch down.
03:29But, as they say, all politics are local.
03:34Apparently, you guys have a little history.
03:37Because you used to be the manager of the, this is my trusty sidekick, Adam Egan.
03:42Because, you used to be the manager of the Tempe Improv, the best club in the country.
03:48Right.
03:48And I did ten minutes once in front of him, and then I never played there again.
03:52When did this turn into Crossfire?
03:53And secondly, I didn't ban, I didn't ban.
03:56Who banned me?
03:57I think it was Howard.
03:59Yeah.
03:59Howard.
03:59But you're part of the same regime.
04:01No, all right, well, technically, yeah.
04:03Howard was an old man.
04:04Yeah, like Kim Jong-un, right, has a soldier, but like.
04:07Sure, yeah, I'm just following orders.
04:10Yeah, but you're a part of the thing.
04:11All right, I admit that.
04:12All right.
04:13And what did I do?
04:14You know who else said they were just following orders?
04:16Hitler.
04:19Stalin was just like that.
04:20What did I do?
04:22You, yeah, I think you took your pants down.
04:25On stage?
04:26Yeah, he got pretty naked on stage.
04:29Well, I wanted to prove a point.
04:30I said that, you know, skin color is only your skin color,
04:34and we're all pink on the inside, so I showed him my butt hole.
04:38I remember now.
04:39Yeah, and that was my opener, and he didn't like that.
04:40It's like Lenny Bruce.
04:41It was a real opener.
04:44But at that time, I was young, and I didn't really have a lot of jokes,
04:47but, you know, I would have appreciated the encouragement.
04:50Well, I'll give you, it was funny.
04:52Yeah.
04:53Because you were the manager.
04:54It was just a short period of time.
04:55Yeah, and then I moved back here, yeah.
04:58Well, you probably know stuff about him at the store.
05:00Oh, well, no, he's like, he's in charge now, huh?
05:03Yeah, he's in charge.
05:03He's got a lot of power.
05:04He picks the, whoa, oh my God.
05:07He's entitled, and he's got a lot of power.
05:08He picks guys who go on stage.
05:10Yeah, but you know what?
05:12How does that affect you?
05:13It affects me a lot.
05:15Do you know why?
05:16I'll tell you why it affects me.
05:18Can I tell you why?
05:18Oh, yeah.
05:19Because when he wasn't there, the guy before used to put me up way more.
05:23Yeah, in front of empty crowds.
05:25That's true.
05:26What if you finally got your big, you know, you're like, not your big break, because you've
05:31had a lot of breaks, but you're like, I want to, you know, be a regular on Fallon, and then
05:36you go for your audition, and it's him.
05:37Oh, I wouldn't do it.
05:39I wouldn't get past.
05:40I wouldn't get past.
05:41He's tough.
05:42Yeah.
05:43You know what I mean?
05:43You've got to be on SNL.
05:45That's not true.
05:45Yeah.
05:46Well, there's a lot of SNL people that you brought in.
05:47Oh, my God.
05:48He's so far out fucking Spade.
05:51I know.
05:51You ever seen him with David Spade?
05:52I saw him on a red carpet with David, holding hands.
05:55No way!
05:56You on a red carpet?
05:58Yeah.
05:58Yeah, for Dirty Dirty Man, whatever that movie is.
06:01Dirty Dirty Man?
06:02Yeah.
06:03Yeah, yeah, yeah.
06:03I call it Dirty Dirty Man.
06:05No, it's because of the show.
06:06He was busting my balls, saying I sounded like Buffalo Bill.
06:08I know.
06:09And then, yeah.
06:10Yeah.
06:10But still, you were on the red carpet, and I was watching social media, and you were on it.
06:13I wasn't with him on the red carpet.
06:14I remember there was a picture of you, and then behind, it's like, Dirty Dirty Man.
06:19And you were, like, posing.
06:20Yeah, he was posing.
06:21It was really, really gross.
06:23I didn't know that.
06:25So you went with Spade.
06:26You were his date.
06:27I was not at Spade's date.
06:28What's that?
06:28What happened to you?
06:29Huh?
06:29I fell down some stairs.
06:31You fell down some stairs on a girl.
06:34That's not what the abuser says.
06:36No.
06:37Both hands are like that.
06:38It's not important.
06:39He fell down the stairs.
06:41Like this.
06:44Now, you had quite a misadventure on your way here, Bobby.
06:48Well, I don't know.
06:48It was a thank you for the car.
06:50Yeah.
06:50We sent an Uber.
06:51Yeah.
06:52Well, I didn't know.
06:52It was an Uber.
06:53I get in the car, and then halfway during the trip, he goes, get out.
06:57I go, what?
06:58Like I was playing a game on my iPad.
07:01Get out.
07:02And I go, excuse me?
07:03Get out.
07:05He pulled over on like Venice Boulevard.
07:07Jesus.
07:08I go, this is the place?
07:09No.
07:10It canceled.
07:11It canceled.
07:12It canceled.
07:12Right?
07:12So he shows me like his phone where it says canceled.
07:16I go, but I have money.
07:18No.
07:18Get out.
07:19Oh, shit.
07:20Then I dropped his name.
07:21Norm MacDonald.
07:22I don't know him.
07:23That does not work.
07:24I don't know Norm.
07:25That rarely works.
07:26Right?
07:26It doesn't work.
07:27Why didn't you just use a bigger star?
07:29Yeah.
07:29I don't know.
07:30Tom Hardy.
07:31I don't know him either.
07:33Tom Hardy.
07:34Yeah.
07:34And so I was about to get out, but then I called.
07:37Who did I call?
07:38Yeah, this guy right here.
07:39I think you saved my life, dude.
07:41I go, he'll give you 60 bucks when we arrive.
07:43He goes, okay.
07:45Oh, sweet.
07:45What do you mean we pulled over?
07:47I had the fear.
07:48Yeah.
07:48I panicked.
07:49Yeah, sure.
07:49Well, a guy, I was just in Portland.
07:50A guy told me, if your card is rejected by Uber, you're banned for life.
07:55Yeah.
07:55Is it true, though?
07:56I don't know whose card that is, guys.
07:58Whose card was it?
08:00Was it your card?
08:01Oh, fuck.
08:02You and your Andre Odyssey haircut.
08:04They charge you.
08:05It was an Andre Andre.
08:07It was an Andre Andre for sure.
08:09So you remember, you don't remember him?
08:11Of course I remember.
08:12You remember the little Mohawk or Fohawk.
08:14Yeah, yeah, yeah.
08:15It was fucking ridiculous.
08:17From Tempe.
08:17Huh?
08:17From Tempe.
08:18Yeah.
08:18Yes, from Tempe.
08:19So you went all the way to Tempe to audition?
08:21No, I opened for Mencia.
08:24Oh, no.
08:25Or Pauly.
08:25Pablo.
08:25One of the two, maybe.
08:26Pablo, one of them.
08:27Yeah.
08:27And when I say one of them, I don't mean Mexican.
08:30I don't mean Mexican.
08:31I don't mean Mexican.
08:32I love Hispanic people, okay?
08:34Hola, que tal.
08:36But anyway, and then you fired my brother.
08:39I don't think I fired your brother.
08:41My brother was working there.
08:42My little brother Steve got a job.
08:44Steve's great.
08:45On your TV show.
08:46Yeah, yeah, yeah.
08:47And my little brother Steve, right, got fired from the Tempe Improv under your regime.
08:51Well, maybe under my regime.
08:52Yeah, but that's why I'm here.
08:54I'm not here for Norm.
08:55I'm here to confront you.
08:56No, I'm kidding.
08:57And meanwhile, I do the Tempe Improv and he comes up to me and he goes, do you mind if
09:01Jimmy Kimmel's sister, I go, that's fine.
09:06He doesn't even know her name.
09:09And he's like, ladies and gentlemen, Jimmy Kimmel's sister, she was like, so what about
09:14his brother?
09:15Yeah.
09:16I'm not big enough.
09:18She was a manager at the time.
09:20Yeah.
09:21She was a manager at the club?
09:22Yeah.
09:22Oh, I didn't know that.
09:23My brother was a food runner.
09:25Oh, yeah.
09:26He was terrible.
09:26Your brother was a food runner at Tempe Improv.
09:28At the Tempe Improv.
09:29Nice guy.
09:29Nice kid.
09:30Oh, that is kid.
09:31And he told the waiter, I will fucking stab you in the neck, you son of a bitch.
09:36You did save him.
09:37Second day in.
09:38His second day in.
09:39And he picked up a knife, I think.
09:41You know what I mean?
09:41And so then he got fired.
09:43Yeah.
09:43Yeah.
09:43My brother's never had a job.
09:44Now, wait, I've read that you started in San Diego.
09:47Yeah, yeah, yeah.
09:47Now, that's almost unheard of.
09:49Does anybody else ever start there?
09:51Yeah.
09:51Isn't Kirk Fox from San Diego?
09:53Yeah, but he started, he moved to L.A. and started.
09:56Oh, okay.
09:57Yeah.
09:58You know, Kirk Fox had a, he was, he taught Dr. Phil how to play tennis.
10:03Dr. Phil gave him a show.
10:04I know he did.
10:05Yeah, he did like 150 episodes.
10:06It was unmatchable.
10:08It was tough.
10:09And then.
10:09I love Kirk, but I couldn't watch it.
10:10It was about relationships.
10:11And then one time, Kirk told me, like, the president of whatever said, like, who's your
10:18girl?
10:18He goes, I haven't been in a relationship in years.
10:21He was like, a relationship.
10:22Yeah.
10:23But he had glasses.
10:24Yeah.
10:25He was like an expert.
10:26But he used to, I used to work in a, I live in a house, and he would live, worked
10:30at the
10:30tennis racket store, racket store next door.
10:32So I knew kind of who he was.
10:35He was like this tall, young guy.
10:37This is in the 90s.
10:37Well, what's your, he's kind of a cool dude, right?
10:41Who?
10:42Kirk.
10:42Couldn't you see his rap working with the ladies?
10:45Yeah, yeah, yeah.
10:46I don't find him very good looking.
10:47No, no, but his rap.
10:48No, no, his rap sucks.
10:50No, he looks like a Tim Burton character, like just somebody drew him.
10:54Yeah, no, I didn't see that.
10:54He's just skinny and tall and gangly.
10:57Yeah, yeah, yeah.
10:58You're right.
10:58A lot of triangles.
11:00No, I love the island.
11:01No, I love the island.
11:02I love the island.
11:02I love the island.
11:03I love the island.
11:03But in La Jolla, but then you, did you used to do like odds and ends around the La Jolla
11:07Comedy Store before?
11:08Yeah.
11:08Odds and ends.
11:09Yeah, I used to do all kinds of stuff.
11:10Was that a show in the building room?
11:12It does sound like a brainer show.
11:14It does sound like a brainer show.
11:15You're producing that too?
11:17Yeah, booking it.
11:18Yeah.
11:19No, I used to work the door, clean the rooftops, and I did the, I was a bar back.
11:25And then at one point, we gutted it, and I had to like do, I put the bamboo up.
11:31You know the bamboo that's in the, well, that's not an ethnic band.
11:34No, I was just thinking of something else.
11:35Yeah, I mean, you made it seem like it was an ethnic band.
11:37No, I was thinking of something else.
11:38I was thinking of that Uber driver.
11:40I was thinking of it.
11:40It was my fault.
11:41Yeah, but, yeah, I mean, that's how I started.
11:45And then Pauly saw me at an open mic.
11:47And what did he say?
11:49In La Jolla.
11:50In La Jolla.
11:50And I had been doing comedy for maybe nine months.
11:52He goes, dude, you're funny, brah.
11:55I go, cool.
11:56He goes, I want you to open for me in Vegas, brah.
11:59A week later, it was fun.
12:01Back then, he was a huge spiller.
12:03Yeah, yeah.
12:045,000 seats.
12:05Good, Liz.
12:06He's great.
12:09But, yeah, 5,000 seats.
12:11And his mom came up to me, and she goes, you're a regular.
12:14And I got passed.
12:16Wow.
12:16It was amazing.
12:17That's quick.
12:17Yeah.
12:18Is there any way of confirming that story with Mitzi?
12:23Call her down.
12:24Call her.
12:25I mean, she literally has no idea who I am.
12:28Yeah.
12:28She keeps calling me Peter.
12:29Now, tell us about the roast battles.
12:32Oh, yeah.
12:33You've judged three.
12:34A judge.
12:35For sure, yeah.
12:35Not a guest.
12:37You ever judge those things?
12:38I judge it, yeah.
12:39Now, I don't know if you make money off this, but it was on Comedy Central.
12:42They did it at the Montreal Comedy Festival.
12:44Yeah.
12:44Who invented this?
12:45Is this Jeff Ross?
12:46I booked this show.
12:47It was an open mic.
12:49And then a couple comics wanted to fight each other in the parking lot, and they said, come
12:53back next week and write jokes about each other.
12:55And then it just evolved.
12:55Were you part of the death squad?
12:57Okay.
12:57But they, I have had problems with them.
13:00Yeah.
13:01They tried to derail me years ago.
13:03Because I was in cahoots with Mencia, they thought.
13:06Okay.
13:07Oh, right.
13:07So when the whole Carlos Mencia, Joe Rogan thing happened, they had me on tape, right?
13:13Like, I didn't know that Joe Rogan was, I love Joe.
13:15He's a friend of mine.
13:16Joe, if you're listening, we're good, right?
13:18But the thing is, is that I didn't know that he was taping me.
13:20So I said, yeah, Mencia steals.
13:22And then I also said that I sucked my cousin's dick.
13:26Yeah.
13:27Can I say that?
13:27That's a sharp left hand.
13:28Yeah, which I didn't, I didn't know there was a camera on, right?
13:32Yeah.
13:32And I'm not gay, but in high school, I sucked my cousin's dick.
13:35Yeah, yeah, sure.
13:36And then also on top of that, I said that Vietnamese people were jungle Asians, which I had to apologize
13:41to the Vietnamese people.
13:43And I apologize.
13:43That's what I said back then.
13:44Do you mean he put this up on the internet or something?
13:46Then he put it on the internet, death squad did, right?
13:49And all of a sudden now, right, my aunt, you know, my cousin's mom calls me, he didn't,
13:55he didn't suck your dick.
13:57No, you sucked his dick.
13:58Yeah, no, we sucked each other's dick.
14:00Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
14:01Yeah, and vice versa, right?
14:02I go, I didn't, you know what I mean?
14:04And then my mom, that's just my mom's sister, they didn't talk, and then she died.
14:08Oh, no.
14:09Oh, Jesus Christ.
14:10Fucking Christ.
14:10She died, right?
14:12A horrible story.
14:12See, so the last thing that, you know what I mean, I heard from my aunt is you didn't
14:15suck each other's dick, and then a couple years later, my mom, they stopped talking,
14:20and then she died.
14:20Oh, that's fucked up.
14:21Famous last words.
14:23Yeah, I love death squad.
14:24Yeah.
14:24How many views did it get?
14:25Yeah, of millions.
14:27Oh, see.
14:27But then over the years, though, I made my way back into the group, and now we're all
14:32good.
14:32So you opened for Mencia, which made you the enemy of the death squad.
14:36Yeah, yeah.
14:37Because, you know, they...
14:38It's like a Bruce Lee movie.
14:40Yeah, it's just like it.
14:41So the death squad...
14:43I don't know what Bruce Lee movie...
14:45Are they comedians?
14:47Don't you think death squad makes more sense in a Bruce Lee movie than a comedy club?
14:50Yeah, that is true.
14:50I went to a comedy club, and then the next week, the death squad were there.
14:56It was just odd.
14:57I don't know.
14:57I mean, I acted like it was a normal thing, and I said, you know, when I was here next
15:01week, I said, ew, the death squad.
15:02He got this from falling down.
15:05Did you beat up your girlfriend?
15:06No, I fell into a wall.
15:09Are you okay?
15:09Fell into a wall?
15:11Yeah.
15:12How does it...
15:13You fall...
15:14You say you fall on the floor.
15:15I punched a wall, man.
15:16Jesus Christ.
15:17Are your relationships better now?
15:19Yeah.
15:19Okay, because if there was a while there, I'd go to the store, and he was like...
15:22He had teary eyes.
15:24Oh.
15:24I mean, he was going through some.
15:25Oh, dear.
15:26And I would get in the car, I would laugh so hard.
15:29Everybody wants to fucking kill me now.
15:31Yeah, I would drive away going...
15:32I would laugh.
15:33It's the same thing.
15:33Tommy used to give everybody spots, and then I came in here.
15:36Well, now you've got to explain to the folks who Tom is.
15:38Tommy was the old booker at the comedy store, and he would give everybody spots.
15:42Vilified.
15:42These guys get hated, the guys who take spots from people's...
15:48Tough job.
15:48Change people's lives, you know?
15:50Tough job.
15:51And so Johnny Dark's on his bad side, and Argus Hamilton loves him.
15:58Oh, yeah, Argus doesn't like me.
16:00But Argus has a lifetime...
16:03He took my...
16:04I really like the way you touch people.
16:07Argus has kind of a lifetime gig there, sort of, right?
16:11Yeah, he says it's in one go.
16:13He says...
16:14Well...
16:15Is this joke one of his...
16:16Yes.
16:17My joke's one of his staples.
16:18He stole it from D.L. Hughley, who stole it from you.
16:23Plus, it was actually on television.
16:24Yeah, it was on Larry Sanders.
16:25It was on the Larry Sanders show.
16:27Yeah.
16:27A television...
16:29Yeah, I did a joke on it.
16:29I truly think that was parallel thinking.
16:32But it is word for word, I'll give you that.
16:35Word for word, parallel thinking.
16:37Well, I mean, that whole thing was Argus was, you know, with Mitzi for many, many years.
16:40So Pauly looks at Argus like that.
16:42Now, when you go like that, he thinks a different thing.
16:45Yeah, yeah.
16:45I was thinking...
16:46Oh, that right there.
16:47Oh, from Fisting?
16:48Imagine if that was from Fisting?
16:50Jesus, man.
16:52No, Argus.
16:54Sorry, ladies.
16:54Sorry, ladies.
16:55The problem is, is now, you know, we have so many comics now.
17:00Before Tommy had, it was just these, a lot of people that frankly weren't great.
17:02Now, explain to the folks who Tommy is.
17:04Tommy was the old booker at the comedy store.
17:08And Bobby can testify.
17:10There were empty...
17:11It was a lot of times it was empty.
17:12It was terrible.
17:13It was bad.
17:14Because he didn't book good lineups.
17:18Yeah, I mean...
17:18That would attract people.
17:19You had the same great core group of comics.
17:21Could Bobby walk in there and get any time?
17:24Yeah, he gets...
17:25I mean, I would get two spots a night on Friday and Saturdays.
17:29And every single night over the week.
17:31And you only worked the comedy store.
17:33I only worked the comedy store.
17:34And because I started there, I have loyalty to the clock, right?
17:38And then as soon as he took over, he cut me out.
17:41Not true at all.
17:42I know.
17:42You gave me...
17:42No, you're still doing well.
17:43Thank you so much.
17:44I appreciate the spots.
17:45You're saying you appreciate it.
17:47No, I really do appreciate it.
17:48It seems like...
17:48No, I feel great.
17:49And the thing is, is that I'm really blessed to have you in my life.
17:52You're such a ass.
17:54You're the greatest.
17:56We're going to be back to continue this.
17:58Six spots a week.
17:59What?
17:59You get six spots a week.
18:01All right.
18:02I was getting nine.
18:03That's fine.
18:05You're getting nine?
18:06Yeah.
18:10We're talking about...
18:11In the break, we're talking about the L.A. comedy scene,
18:13which is of interest to many people now
18:16because comedy insiders are everywhere
18:19listening to Mark Maron and Bobby Lee's podcasts and so forth.
18:25And anyways, you guys were talking about it
18:27and you just told me that Jamie Masada said you sucked a guy's cock?
18:32No.
18:32What was it?
18:33No, that's not...
18:34What's up?
18:34I just want to make this perfectly clear.
18:37I never said...
18:38What did you just tell me?
18:39I said...
18:40He was saying nine, eight, seven.
18:41I was saying that...
18:45I'm sorry.
18:46I was saying that there's a lot of people,
18:48for whatever reason,
18:48that are very upset with me
18:50because they don't perform at the comedy store anymore
18:52because I stopped booking them.
18:53And they go to Jamie and they spread rumors about...
18:55Adam books the comedy store,
18:56which is on the Sunset Strip,
18:58and the Laugh Factory owned by Jamie Masada.
19:00It's a great clip.
19:01And we're going to get back to Bobby Lee,
19:03but go ahead and tell the story.
19:04I've never said one...
19:05I've never said anything about Jamie or the Laugh Factory.
19:09I've never made any disparate.
19:10No, but whose cock did you suck?
19:11Have you ever sucked a dick?
19:12No.
19:13Let's get to that.
19:13No, not one time.
19:14Not one time.
19:15Everyone thinks you did.
19:16Everyone said one.
19:16Not one time.
19:16There's nothing wrong with it.
19:17I've never...
19:17I've just never...
19:18How do you know there's nothing wrong with it?
19:20Because Bobby just told me.
19:24No, I...
19:25Why wouldn't you suck a cock?
19:27It's just not my thing.
19:28It's just not my cup of tea.
19:29Is it because you're homophobic?
19:30No.
19:32Would you jerk a guy off?
19:33No.
19:33Why not?
19:34Well, if a guy was gay and he's like,
19:36you know, if you jerk me off, I'll come.
19:38I'll have a great time.
19:39And all you have to do is go like this.
19:41Well, yeah.
19:42I mean, obviously.
19:43Yeah, I guess I would.
19:44Sure.
19:44Why don't you suck him off while you're at it?
19:45Oh, no.
19:48No.
19:49So you've jerked off guys?
19:50I mean, a few.
19:51Yeah.
19:51No, you're just trying to pretend you didn't.
19:53No, I haven't.
19:54No, I haven't.
19:54I wouldn't.
19:55I don't forget.
19:55It's a whole reverse psychology thing.
19:56Yeah, I sucked off a guy.
19:57And then you're like,
19:58he didn't suck off a guy
19:59because he said he sucked off a guy.
20:01Meanwhile, he actually did suck off.
20:02No, I didn't.
20:03So there's no celebrity that's a dick
20:05and you suck and you wouldn't do it?
20:07No.
20:08Not in one?
20:09No.
20:09Tom Hanks.
20:10No.
20:10Brad?
20:11He's so likable.
20:12He's so likable.
20:13He's likable.
20:14He's incredibly likable.
20:15Yeah.
20:15Yeah, but he's a little older.
20:16But what about Brad Pitt?
20:18Isn't he the most handsome man of all time?
20:20I mean, back in 90s?
20:23No.
20:24I do Brad before the years.
20:25But he's a great actor, Leo.
20:28Mine is David Duchovny.
20:32Duchovny?
20:32Yeah, he's on your list.
20:34He's on your list.
20:34Tom Hardy?
20:35I like Tom Hardy, yeah.
20:36I like Tom Hardy, too.
20:37But David Duchovny, for sure.
20:38His girlfriend, he had a,
20:39what do you call that list?
20:41Oh, the, uh, if you can,
20:43a freebie or whatever.
20:44A freebie, yeah.
20:45So he picked Angelina Jolie
20:47and Jennifer Aniston.
20:48His girlfriend picked the milkman.
20:52I don't know.
20:53Yeah, we still got a milkman.
20:54I don't know if there's any milkman.
20:57Was there ever a milkman in your life?
20:59Do you ever have a milkman?
21:01Yeah, you're too young.
21:03You had milkmen?
21:04Yeah, yeah.
21:05Really?
21:06Well, I mean, I was pretty young.
21:07Well, I was in Canada, too.
21:08Steve, you remember the milkman?
21:09Yeah.
21:10Yeah, yeah.
21:10I mean, I know what it is.
21:12Yeah, yeah, yeah.
21:13I've heard of it.
21:13It's folklore, but yeah.
21:15It is folklore.
21:17Steve hates folklore.
21:19Is that true, Steve?
21:20Steve O'Donnell, Bobby, began Letterman.
21:27He and Letterman were of like mind.
21:30Pretty incredible.
21:31Oh, my God.
21:32Pretty incredible, huh?
21:33That's amazing.
21:34Oh, yeah.
21:35There were many other writers.
21:37There were many other writers,
21:38but it's always credited that he and Dave
21:41shared a sensibility and made each other better.
21:44Did you work with Robert Morton?
21:46Yeah.
21:46I love Morton.
21:47He's a good dude.
21:48I've been to his house a couple times.
21:49I love him.
21:50He also gets credit for the top ten list.
21:52Does he really?
21:53A lot of people thought of it simultaneously.
21:55Are you bitter about that?
21:56No, I think it was true.
21:57No, we were talking about the top ten list the other day.
21:59Apparently, a lot of people take credit now,
22:02and it's, you know.
22:04What is Steve?
22:06Listen, when I was,
22:07I don't know if you're going to run into this,
22:10but maybe not,
22:11because Letterman's still hip for a long time.
22:14But on Update,
22:15there was a guy that wrote for The Tonight Show
22:17with Johnny Carson.
22:18And he had to hide that on his resume,
22:21because it dated him, you know.
22:23Oh.
22:24But those were great jokes.
22:27I think the bits on The Tonight Show with,
22:30no offense to Letterman,
22:31but the bits on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson
22:33were some of the funniest bits ever.
22:35You know what I mean?
22:36Well, it was the way he was.
22:37The Jackie Gleason's.
22:37The magazines.
22:39You brought every magazine,
22:41every periodical, right?
22:44You are wrong, Popular Mechanics, brother.
22:46Listen, we don't have to talk about this.
22:47I'm just trying to introduce one generation to another.
22:51It's really nice.
22:52Good to meet you, Steve.
22:53Because comedy, you know,
22:54we all got there by somebody else's shoulders.
22:58I love history, and I love all of it.
23:02I love guys like Argus, and...
23:04Sure.
23:04In fact, I look up to a lot of, like,
23:06even the Asian ones.
23:08Even the Asian ones?
23:09Yeah, the few that there were.
23:10Who were there?
23:11Johnny Yoon.
23:12Johnny Yoon?
23:12Do you remember Johnny Yoon?
23:13Yes.
23:13Yeah.
23:14He was maybe the first one.
23:15He was the very first one,
23:16and he got a three-minute laugh
23:19after saying his opening line.
23:22Really?
23:22He would come up on stage,
23:23in a tuxedo, right?
23:24But he would let it sit,
23:26and this opening line,
23:28he would go,
23:29hello.
23:31Two-minute applause break.
23:35Like, killing off the best opener in the world.
23:38If I did that now, I'm stung.
23:40It's stung.
23:40Of course.
23:41Tell her I'm out.
23:42Yeah, yeah, yeah.
23:43The death squad puts you up here.
23:45It's no spreading your butt cheeks opener,
23:47but it's a good opener.
23:49I'm sorry.
23:50Now, what about the guy, Henry Cho?
23:51Are you friends with him?
23:52I love Henry.
23:54He has too many hooks for me.
23:58What do you mean?
23:58No, I don't know.
24:00But what about,
24:01have you ever heard the guy
24:02who wears a big 10-gallon hat?
24:03He's an African-American gentleman.
24:05Yeah.
24:05And he goes, hamburger.
24:07Yeah, hamburger.
24:08Yeah, hamburger.
24:08He makes me laugh.
24:09Yeah, yeah.
24:09Or shucky-ducky-quack-quack.
24:11Have you heard of him?
24:11I know.
24:12There was another African-American guy,
24:13headliner,
24:14and he would go,
24:15shucky-ducky-quack-quack,
24:16and the whole audience would say it.
24:18Oh!
24:18So no matter what he wrote,
24:20in between,
24:21he could say shucky-ducky-quack-quack,
24:23kill.
24:23Wow.
24:24Who came first, though?
24:25It sounds a lot like hamburger.
24:27Yeah, I think hamburger came first.
24:28Yeah, yeah.
24:28And the shucky-duck-quack.
24:30There is an Asian guy in Texas, right?
24:33This guy, his name is Mark.
24:35He taught Pablo Francisco
24:36how to do impressions
24:37back in the late 90s.
24:39He is, for many years,
24:4115 years,
24:42his stage name was Chinaman.
24:48And I ran into him.
24:50He goes,
24:50I don't know why
24:51it's not working out for me.
24:52Maybe it's your name Chinaman?
24:55Maybe?
24:56What was the name of that guy?
24:57But as racial,
24:59I should say,
25:00epithets go,
25:02that seems to me
25:03to be the least offensive.
25:04Because it's literally
25:05man from China.
25:06I know, I think Chinaman
25:09is pretty, it's okay.
25:10Except if it's used for all Asians.
25:12Yeah, that's the problem.
25:13Do you know all the,
25:14do you know all the racial things
25:15against Asians?
25:17Yeah, can you tell me them?
25:18Well, Guy Aoki got mad at me one day.
25:21Why, why, why?
25:22He's the head of the guys
25:23that get defended
25:26in terms of Asians.
25:26So just tell me some.
25:28Well, he knows them the best.
25:30Yeah, oh, you do?
25:31Tell me some of the Asian things
25:33that like, you know.
25:35Like what you saw
25:36like a small penis?
25:37No, no, no, like names.
25:38No, names, yeah.
25:39Oh, well, yellow, yeah.
25:43Yellow?
25:44Yeah.
25:44Who says that?
25:45Who says yellow?
25:46You're a coward.
25:47Hey, yellow.
25:48No, that's yellow.
25:49You're a yeller.
25:49Yeah.
25:50I've never heard of yellow.
25:51No, no, I've never heard of yellow.
25:51That's our skin color, but.
25:52Yeah, yellow, yellow man.
25:54That's just what you said.
25:54No, yellow man,
25:55that's what you said.
25:55You made that up.
25:56Oh, no, I.
25:57Hey, yellow man,
25:58get out of my arm.
25:59I've never heard that.
26:00No, that was just my fever.
26:00Guy runs out of the old ones
26:02and he has to make up new ones.
26:06What about the, this,
26:07I thought the G word,
26:09the G word.
26:10You know the G one?
26:10Oh, gook?
26:11Yes.
26:12What, you just said that like,
26:13it came out so naturally.
26:14Oh, no, right about that.
26:15You just said it just like,
26:16you know, secondhand.
26:17I thought it was a term,
26:18I thought it was a term of endearment.
26:19It's not.
26:21But can I tell you guys,
26:22can I tell you guys where.
26:24You think that's like
26:24a fucking handshake.
26:29He's beating out the Asian.
26:30Can I tell you where gook comes from?
26:32People don't know this.
26:32That'd be interesting.
26:33A little history.
26:34Tell the camera.
26:35I'll tell the camera.
26:36I'll let the people at home know.
26:37So, um, gook comes from.
26:38Which tree is it?
26:39I'm this,
26:40I'm this one right here.
26:41Gook comes from,
26:42it was created in the Korean War.
26:44People don't,
26:45people equate it to Vietnam War,
26:47but it's not.
26:48It was created in the Korean War.
26:50And gook is short for mi gook.
26:53Mi gook means America.
26:55Okay.
26:55So American soldiers in the Korean War
26:57would walk through villages
26:59and the villagers would point at Americans
27:01and go mi gook,
27:03which is America.
27:04But they're like,
27:05you're saying mi gook.
27:07Oh my gosh.
27:08Wow.
27:08Right.
27:09So it doesn't really mean anything.
27:10Yeah.
27:11But that's how it's derived.
27:12Completely.
27:13Well,
27:14most words are meaningless too,
27:16right?
27:16I mean,
27:17I mean,
27:18unless there's something in that,
27:20that epithet that has an insult within it.
27:23Right.
27:24Charlie.
27:24In terms of derision.
27:25Otherwise,
27:25it's just a word.
27:26It's just a word.
27:27Yeah.
27:27And we're saying African-American.
27:29And when you say that,
27:30it feels uncomfortable,
27:32right?
27:32To your tongue?
27:35What are you supposed to say?
27:37Well,
27:37just tell me what you're supposed to say.
27:40Well,
27:40I definitely would not say the A word.
27:43Right.
27:43That's what I call it.
27:44Yeah,
27:44yeah,
27:44yeah.
27:45The A,
27:45the A dash A word.
27:47Yeah,
27:48African-American.
27:48African-American.
27:49I don't know why black was black as that.
27:51Black is great.
27:52Black is great.
27:52Black is fantastic.
27:55Right?
27:56Yeah,
27:56I mean,
27:56black is fantastic.
27:57Even though,
27:57you know,
27:58they're not black anymore.
27:59But then again,
28:00we're not white,
28:01right?
28:01Right.
28:02We're pink like his fucking asshole.
28:05Seen it.
28:06We're all the color of Bobby's asshole deep down.
28:12It's beautiful.
28:13It's beautiful.
28:15It's like you could do that as a poem.
28:19Like some slam poetry.
28:22That's what you should do about it.
28:23You should go on like a slam poetry thing in New York City.
28:30Well,
28:30they have these,
28:31you know,
28:32I saw a wonderful play.
28:34A guy went on a trapeze over the audience.
28:38This was at the height of the AIDS epidemic.
28:40And he cut himself.
28:42And his blood,
28:44his AIDS,
28:45yeah.
28:47His AIDS filled blood went all over the audience.
28:49And then we'd cheer.
28:51Because we were afraid to be politically incorrect.
28:53So instead,
28:54we contract AIDS.
28:56But wait,
28:56you were at the show?
28:58Yeah.
28:58You're being sprayed with AIDS blood?
29:00we all like,
29:01got full-blown AIDS.
29:03That's a terrible show.
29:04That's a terrible circuit.
29:06Did you get your money back?
29:06No,
29:07we pretended it was good.
29:08Because we'd rather get AIDS than be called homophobe.
29:14But this guy said one of those disturbing things to me.
29:18Yeah.
29:18He said he was very into the S&M,
29:21gay S&M scene.
29:22And he said he loved when guys with AIDS would fuck them.
29:24He said,
29:25he said something like,
29:27when they pump their death up my hot ass.
29:30I was like,
29:30oh,
29:31wait.
29:32It was like a badge of courage,
29:33almost.
29:35Yeah.
29:35It's real Stephen Crane.
29:37Mama.
29:38Oh,
29:39man.
29:40We're going to talk now about,
29:42not about Asians,
29:43but about guys when you were starting out,
29:45that helped you.
29:47Oh,
29:47my God.
29:48Carlos Mencia helped you.
29:49So many people did.
29:50Carlos Mencia helped you.
29:51Dice did.
29:51Oh,
29:52Dice did.
29:52Yeah,
29:52Dice did.
29:54Pauly did a lot.
29:56Carlos.
29:57How did Dice help you?
29:59I would open from it.
30:00Oh,
30:00that's awesome.
30:01You know,
30:01Bellagio or whatever.
30:02Because people don't know about,
30:03you know,
30:04people don't know a lot of things about comedy.
30:06But if a guy helps you,
30:08if he lets you,
30:08that's a huge thing.
30:10Yeah.
30:10The first guy that lets you open.
30:12Experience,
30:12money.
30:12And then you get to play a room that's bigger than you,
30:15that you could ever get yourself.
30:16Yeah.
30:17I mean,
30:17I mean,
30:18I'm one time,
30:19I don't know if you know Jimmy Schubert.
30:20Sure.
30:20You know Jimmy,
30:21right?
30:21This is the greatest thing anyone's ever done for me.
30:24I was,
30:25I had moved up from San Diego.
30:26Oh.
30:27Pauly's like,
30:28come,
30:28move up.
30:28And then I had no place to live.
30:30Uh-huh.
30:30So I slept in my truck for like three nights.
30:32And I slept at the parking lot at the comedy store.
30:35and I had no money.
30:36And I was broke.
30:38Both?
30:38Yeah.
30:44Like the same time.
30:45Yeah.
30:45And,
30:47so anyway,
30:49and I get a knock on the window.
30:50and I look up
30:52and it's Jimmy Schubert.
30:53And he says,
30:54you hungry?
30:56I go,
30:57yeah.
30:58Yeah.
30:59Bad lieutenant.
31:02No,
31:04he didn't do.
31:06Like a baby bird.
31:08Yeah.
31:08Okay.
31:09Yeah.
31:09And then he,
31:10so you said,
31:11yeah.
31:11Yeah.
31:12I go,
31:12yeah.
31:12And he took me to.
31:13Am I hungry?
31:13I'm broke.
31:14And I have no money.
31:16What do you think?
31:16I'm hungry.
31:17I'm hungry.
31:18Plus I am,
31:19I want some food.
31:24What did Jimmy do?
31:25So he bought me for lunch.
31:26That's all.
31:26Yeah,
31:27that's great.
31:28No,
31:28that's not.
31:29It was really nice.
31:30And then like years later,
31:31like we had done some stuff together.
31:32I just,
31:33every time I see Jimmy,
31:34I tell him that story.
31:35It stays with you.
31:36It really does stay with me.
31:37And that's why I'm so loyal to the comedy store because like,
31:41you know,
31:42other clubs wouldn't use me and I got to work at the comedy store.
31:45They would put me up and I feel like I wouldn't be who I am without it.
31:49So it's like when I kind of,
31:51when I was on that TV and other things,
31:53you know,
31:54other clubs were like,
31:55come play our club.
31:56And I always made the comedy store number one on the list.
32:00Even more than that,
32:01Bobby,
32:01he won't say this,
32:03but he,
32:03he does,
32:04he does that more than Jimmy or Dice or any of those people.
32:07Did for him.
32:08He's huge on that.
32:10People come in a lot throughout the last seven years that I've been at the
32:13store and they're like,
32:14Bobby said I could have all his checks and I check and Bobby's like,
32:17yeah.
32:17Oh really?
32:18Yeah.
32:18I mean,
32:18I,
32:18yeah,
32:19I just,
32:19I just love,
32:20I'm not competitive in that way,
32:21you know?
32:22So I just love helping only the good ones though.
32:25Like I don't help comics that don't deserve or need to be.
32:29I've seen that too.
32:29I've seen that.
32:30I love that.
32:30I mean,
32:31cause Mitzi once said to me when she was,
32:33you know,
32:33saying,
32:34and she said,
32:34it is a sin to support,
32:37mediocrity.
32:38Yeah.
32:38Wow.
32:38And she had,
32:39she had that on a wall,
32:41you know?
32:41And so it's like,
32:42if I tell an open mic or who has no talent or no business being up there,
32:46you're great.
32:47You should keep doing it.
32:48It is the worst thing you can do.
32:50That's the number one thing I always think of when I.
32:53It's a sin to support mediocrity.
32:55I had a guy that when I did weekend up,
32:57he would send in jokes every day,
32:59a lot of jokes,
33:00like 30 jokes and 40 jokes a day.
33:03And so it's hard to write.
33:05It's hard to just write that much.
33:07It's hard to type for me.
33:08Like,
33:08you know,
33:09I couldn't think of 40 jokes a day.
33:11And,
33:11uh,
33:13anyways,
33:13they were all sort of almost,
33:15you know,
33:16but they never,
33:17he never got one on.
33:18And then I said to,
33:19uh,
33:20Laurie Joe,
33:20my producing partner,
33:21should I phone this guy and tell him like to quit?
33:25What am I supposed to do?
33:26Are you supposed to follow your dreams?
33:28No matter what you say,
33:31no.
33:32Right.
33:33Yeah.
33:34Give up on your dreams.
33:35I mean,
33:35when my kid was young,
33:36I said,
33:37you can be anything you want.
33:38Dylan,
33:39what do you want to be?
33:40You can be it.
33:40He said,
33:40I want to be seven feet.
33:42I said,
33:42let me rephrase it.
33:46You can be five different things.
33:49You have the choice of five different things.
33:51Yeah.
33:51But if my opinion though,
33:52is that's my opinion.
33:53So even if I feel like this person doesn't have any talent,
33:56whatever,
33:56that could be just my opinion.
33:57You might be wrong.
33:58Yeah,
33:58I could be wrong,
33:59you know?
33:59So I admit that,
34:00but you know,
34:01I just don't really go out of my way to help them,
34:04you know?
34:04Sure.
34:05Yeah.
34:05Yeah.
34:05Comedy is subjective.
34:06There's people that have huge careers that I,
34:08I don't find funny at all.
34:09And I'm sure.
34:10I think comedy is objective actually.
34:15I do.
34:16I think.
34:16What do you mean?
34:16Well,
34:17I think that your opinion on who's funny is more valuable than just some guy's
34:23opinion because that guy could go,
34:25well,
34:25he doesn't know that this guy is stealing from a whole bunch of different
34:28influences.
34:28Yes.
34:28And you do.
34:29Yeah.
34:30Sometimes you'll see a guy destroy and he's just hacky using lines that were
34:34been used a thousand times.
34:36And,
34:36um,
34:37and I've been,
34:38I know those guys,
34:39you know,
34:39and some of them make it.
34:40Yeah.
34:41Oh yeah.
34:41A lot of them do.
34:42A lot of them do.
34:42And it's really scary.
34:43I mean,
34:43people go,
34:44how come you don't,
34:45because I don't,
34:45I only do 45 minutes when I'm on the road.
34:48And the reason why I don't do more is because everything that I say,
34:52I try to,
34:52I mean,
34:52everything is my words and I don't want to do things that are even closely
34:56similar to anybody else's.
34:59So it's just,
34:59it's a hard thing to do.
35:01Do you think there's a fine line there though?
35:02Like with cars,
35:03you know,
35:03I hear with the Carson where he,
35:05a lot of the and blabby and stuff where it came from.
35:08Yeah.
35:09And my,
35:09one of my favorite pants,
35:10oasis.
35:10There's not an original bone in their body,
35:12but yeah,
35:14like they stole every,
35:16like,
35:16you know,
35:17constantly being sued.
35:18that's not,
35:18well,
35:19I'm just,
35:19but yeah,
35:20Carson,
35:20that's a,
35:21that's a good example,
35:22but he was really,
35:23he was hilarious.
35:25Right.
35:25Right.
35:26But that doesn't make stealing proper.
35:28I mean,
35:28no Carson could have done it without stealing and just been just as funny.
35:32Yeah.
35:32I think you're right.
35:34but no,
35:35you know,
35:35there was just Jonathan Winters is brilliant,
35:37like improv guy.
35:38And he would dress up as this character,
35:40Marty Frickert,
35:40you know,
35:41as an old lady.
35:41And he'd go,
35:42hello there.
35:43And he did a voice.
35:44And Johnny Carson just stole it.
35:45Even the costume.
35:47Yeah.
35:47Everything.
35:48And then,
35:48so this guy couldn't do it anymore.
35:51Oh my God.
35:51You know what I mean?
35:52Because it'd be like if Jimmy Fallon took one of your bits.
35:54Yeah.
35:55You can't do it.
35:56You can't do it anymore.
35:56Yeah.
35:57I think that is,
35:58but you could,
35:58Jimmy Fallon is not a thief at all.
36:00Yeah,
36:00but it not,
36:01it might not be him.
36:02It might,
36:02it could be his writers.
36:04That's the thing.
36:05yeah.
36:05I mean,
36:05you know,
36:05a big staff of writers,
36:07and they saw somebody at a club.
36:08yeah.
36:08Who knows where it came from?
36:10It happened to me.
36:10I was doing an update,
36:11and at the same time,
36:12Dennis Miller was doing Dennis Miller Live,
36:15which was on Friday night.
36:16So my opening joke is word for word,
36:18his joke.
36:20It was my fucking writer.
36:21So I'm like,
36:22what?
36:22So I,
36:23and then nobody told me,
36:24and then the next week,
36:26Dennis goes on the air,
36:27and he goes,
36:28you know,
36:28hey,
36:29it's 1130 on Friday night,
36:31Norm,
36:31time to turn your VCR on,
36:33babe.
36:34I'm like,
36:34what'd that mean?
36:35Wow.
36:35And then,
36:36yeah.
36:38So yeah,
36:39it's not my fault.
36:40Yeah,
36:40it's not your fault.
36:40You know,
36:41you don't know.
36:41But I guess it is their fault.
36:43Ron Williams was notorious for it,
36:44right?
36:45Oh,
36:45listen.
36:49I think it was a well-known.
36:51All right,
36:51that's fine.
36:51You know what they always say,
36:52speak ill of the death.
36:54You know,
36:54that old fucking,
36:57that old saw.
36:59God damn.
36:59It's been a couple years,
37:00just to let it out.
37:02It's just been less than that.
37:03It doesn't matter to me.
37:04But we're going to come back,
37:05and we're going to have a,
37:06we're going to hold Bobby
37:09for another segment,
37:10if that's okay.
37:10I love it.
37:11Because it's charming.
37:15We're back for the entire hour
37:17with Bobby Lee,
37:18and it's going swimmingly so far,
37:20I think.
37:22Don't you think?
37:22I get it.
37:23Yeah.
37:23Hey,
37:23we got some jokes.
37:25All right.
37:25But that's all right.
37:26But you know,
37:26are these street jokes?
37:28No,
37:28no,
37:28no,
37:29no.
37:29So you wrote them?
37:29They're not,
37:30they're not.
37:30Someone wrote them.
37:31Some of them wrote,
37:31that you know?
37:32Yeah,
37:32some people in this room.
37:34Okay,
37:34cool.
37:34Some people in this room.
37:35I don't want to say who,
37:36because in case the joke doesn't work.
37:38Okay,
37:38all right.
37:38So,
37:39that's a,
37:39that's a strike.
37:40You can just read it.
37:41You don't have to read ahead,
37:41if you don't want.
37:42There's nothing going to happen.
37:43No,
37:43I'll just read it then.
37:44Yeah.
37:45When you're single,
37:45trying to attract a partner,
37:47it's important to project the qualities you desire,
37:49which I understand,
37:51but boy,
37:51oh boy,
37:52have I had to suck a lot of dick lately.
37:56That's sort of like a Bobby Lee joke.
37:58It is a lot like a Bobby Lee joke.
37:59All right.
38:00What about this one?
38:01This is for you.
38:05Yesterday,
38:05I had a picture framed.
38:06Now,
38:07it's doing time upstate for armed robbery.
38:11Oh my God.
38:15Here's one for Bobby Lee.
38:17I don't want to,
38:18I don't want to know,
38:18there's no more dicks in here.
38:19No,
38:19sir.
38:20Do you,
38:21do you diet sometimes?
38:22I know,
38:23but do you.
38:23Do you have diets and stuff?
38:24Yeah,
38:24sometimes.
38:25Okay.
38:25Sort of a diet joke.
38:29I'm so sorry.
38:30Boy,
38:31was it hot outside today?
38:32I went out to buy a California Pizza Kitchen signature,
38:36pepperoni frozen flatbread,
38:37and by the time I got home,
38:39it was perfectly cooked
38:41and entirely eaten.
38:42100% true.
38:44Oh,
38:44you ate it.
38:47See,
38:47I love that he laughs.
38:49I love that he laughs.
38:50I just concluded,
38:51right?
38:51Some of them are odd.
38:53I'm not going to lie to you.
38:54This is a joke.
38:55Well,
38:55some of them,
38:56but this is a joke.
38:57I think technically.
38:58Like an observational joke?
39:00I think technically.
39:03I need to have glasses in order to see my family,
39:06specifically two glasses of scotch.
39:10See,
39:10I take the hits.
39:13Yeah,
39:13yeah.
39:14Yeah,
39:14I take the bad ones.
39:15Adam,
39:15you do the next one.
39:16I'll be on fucking death squad with some of these.
39:20Here's one.
39:21Okay.
39:21For Adam Ega,
39:23who did comedy.
39:24Give me your car for a second.
39:26okay.
39:26Did you know that Adam Ega did comedy for a while?
39:28You did?
39:29Very briefly.
39:30But you performed?
39:32Very briefly.
39:32Open mics?
39:33In L.A. or in Phoenix?
39:34Arizona.
39:35In Arizona,
39:35he was famous for thrusting out his cock.
39:39Like,
39:39he'd push,
39:40like he'd stand at the mic
39:41and he'd push forward,
39:42so it was,
39:44it was a nervous,
39:45yeah.
39:46But he is a hell of a hog,
39:47dude,
39:47right?
39:48People say that.
39:49Yeah.
39:50You have a big dick?
39:52No,
39:53people said you have a big dick?
39:54Yeah,
39:54I guess.
39:56That's,
39:57you know,
39:57would you say no next time?
39:58No.
39:58Read that.
39:59All right.
40:01I saw my little nephew recently
40:03and he was bothering me with a lot of questions.
40:05One he says to me is,
40:06where do you think would be the worst place to get a bug bite?
40:08So I thought about it.
40:09I answered,
40:10maybe the eye.
40:11What's your answer?
40:12And he said,
40:12Brazil.
40:14Brazil.
40:15That was Ezekiel.
40:16Ezekiel.
40:17Ezekiel's Ezekiel's Ezekiel.
40:17Torn from his headline.
40:19What about this one?
40:20This is a short one.
40:21A fast one.
40:21Okay.
40:22I signed up for my company's 401k.
40:25401k.
40:25I'm sorry.
40:26Yeah,
40:26no,
40:26no.
40:27I fucked it up.
40:27No,
40:27no,
40:28no.
40:28Don't give me a line reading.
40:29I'm just,
40:30I didn't know what 401k was.
40:34I mean,
40:34you give me a line reading
40:35and then you touch me.
40:36Well,
40:36you're very soft.
40:37I know.
40:38People say that?
40:40Do your lovers tell you that?
40:40I'm fucking soft as fuck.
40:42How soft?
40:42Can you caress?
40:43Oh my God.
40:44Is that moisturized?
40:46it's natural.
40:46It's just natural.
40:47You saw it.
40:48I'll read it again?
40:49Sure.
40:50I signed up for my company's 401k,
40:52but I don't think I can run that far.
40:54It is a long way.
41:01Wait,
41:01I gotta get one that's gonna make Bobby happy.
41:03I don't like when he scowls after that.
41:08You know,
41:08I grew up poor,
41:09man.
41:09My mom used to cut my hair with a bowl.
41:11Did you ever see where they used to do that?
41:13Yeah, yeah.
41:14Which is bad enough,
41:15but then came dinner
41:18and it was,
41:19she served a hair,
41:21a bowl of hair.
41:25That was him.
41:30Okay.
41:32You know,
41:32you ever hear of steampunk?
41:34Yeah,
41:34I like it.
41:34Oh,
41:35you do?
41:35Yeah.
41:36Well,
41:36there's a joke for you.
41:38I wouldn't call myself a fan of steampunk,
41:41but I will say it's the healthiest way to prepare punk.
41:49I'd like to take a moment to address all the men listening.
41:52No,
41:52I should do this on the camera.
41:54No means no.
41:58And bakalawa means cod.
41:59Cod.
42:02What?
42:02I guess it's a type of fish or something.
42:04Oh.
42:06I don't know.
42:07I'm bakalawa.
42:08If I was great in constellations,
42:11well,
42:12will you laugh if he does one?
42:13Okay.
42:14I'm going to give you a good one.
42:15Okay.
42:16If I were great in constellations,
42:17my review and description for Orion's belt
42:19would be just three stars.
42:21This is a thing we get once in a while.
42:23We get,
42:23we ask for letters from people
42:25that have problems.
42:28It's called,
42:29it's actually called Dear Bobby.
42:33So this one says,
42:34Dear Bobby,
42:34I am in love with two boys
42:36and don't know which one to marry.
42:39First,
42:40there's Andy.
42:41Are you thinking about this?
42:43Yeah.
42:43This is going to be a question.
42:44When you say,
42:44yeah,
42:44yeah,
42:44I'm listening.
42:45I'm in love with two boys
42:46and don't know which one to marry.
42:48When is Andy?
42:48First,
42:49there's Andy.
42:49He's sort of blonde
42:50and sells insurance.
42:52Mama likes him,
42:53which helps a lot.
42:54He's very reliable
42:55and seems anxious to get married.
42:57Then there's Tony.
42:58He's dark
42:59and sort of gives me the creeps,
43:01but they're awfully nice creeps.
43:05I don't know which one I like best.
43:07In the daytime,
43:07I like Andy,
43:09but I believe I like Tony better at night.
43:12Which one do you think
43:13would make the best husband for me?
43:16Andy or Tony?
43:20Okay.
43:21So,
43:24we're just going to have a time.
43:26Everything was going well
43:27until these jokes showed up.
43:30Yeah?
43:31Oh my God.
43:33How long is this?
43:34This show?
43:35Yeah.
43:37How long has it run so far?
43:40I have all day,
43:40but I just kind of want to know
43:42how long it is.
43:43It's over.
43:44But thanks, man.
43:45You were awesome.
43:47You were my best guest so far.
43:49The great Bobby Lee.
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