Norm Macdonald Live S03E01 Norm Macdonald with Guest Stephen Merchant DD 2 monkee

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Transcript

00:00:02So this is it, huh? This is the book. Two years of my life and finally I wrote a real

00:00:10book. And you can get this on Amazon. You can pre-order it.

00:00:14You can pre-order it right now. How have the pre-orders been going?

00:00:17Well, based on the pre-orders, I can say, as your publisher, that I feel pretty confident we could do

00:00:22a coffee table book.

00:00:23No way. A coffee table book would be fantastic. A book that would be on everybody's coffee table.

00:00:29Very similar to that, except in this case we would take your book, we would throw it into a mulcher

00:00:34to make a fine pulp.

00:00:36And from that pulp we could reconstitute a coffee table.

00:00:39Wait a minute. Aren't there lists, like bestseller lists and stuff? Is it on any of those?

00:00:45What's fantastic about your book, Norm, is it's beyond lists. It's in a class of its own.

00:00:50We haven't seen a book like this in publishing. This is going straight to the RB.

00:00:55Straight to the RB? I can't believe it. I've never heard of a book going straight to the RB like

00:01:00that.

00:01:01Just one question. What's an RB?

00:01:04Oh, that's publishing talk. The RB stands for the Remainder Bin.

00:01:07Oh, the Remainder Bin?

00:01:09So all the books that just sit waiting on bookshelves, never being bought, eventually when it gets too sad, they

00:01:16send them back to a warehouse.

00:01:17Well, forget about the critics. It's like Stephen King. Maybe the critics don't like them, but the people love it.

00:01:22That's who I wrote it for. I didn't write it for critics.

00:01:24So we have been getting some good responses from the people.

00:01:26From the people!

00:01:27Particularly on the paper.

00:01:29The paper. Wasn't it I who said we have to go with a paper with some substance, a high-quality

00:01:35paper?

00:01:36And everyone has been complimenting that. Particularly when it comes to taking the pages of your book to wipe shit

00:01:42off their filthy assholes.

00:01:48That's what they said?

00:01:49Mm-hmm.

00:01:50You know, I'm not sure you even had the best interest of this book at heart. I mean, were you

00:01:55an advocate for it?

00:01:56Norm, I've got to be straight with you. I didn't have a chance to read your book.

00:01:59You didn't have a chance to read it?

00:02:01But I have a very good reason why.

00:02:03Really? Why is that?

00:02:04I've been reading a better book.

00:02:05Well, there's lots of better books. This is just a silly celebrity biography. It's not a big...

00:02:11This other book is a celebrity biography.

00:02:12The book you're reading?

00:02:13Yeah, a better celebrity biography.

00:02:15Oh, jeez. Is it Tina Fey?

00:02:17It's not Tina Fey.

00:02:18Amy Schumer?

00:02:19It's not a lady.

00:02:20Oh, well, there's that advice.

00:02:21But it was written by someone who knows how to write a celebrity memoir. Maybe you've heard of him. His

00:02:26name is Fred Stoller.

00:02:28Fred Stoller?

00:02:29Well, I guess that wrecks it. I'm no author.

00:02:33I've been telling you that since before you started.

00:02:36I've been doing this two years. I've got nothing to fall back on. I'm an old man.

00:02:41Didn't you used to have a thing on the internet?

00:02:43Oh, God.

00:02:44Yeah, people would come on.

00:02:45Yeah, the podcast. That's right.

00:02:47I promised myself I would never do the podcast again.

00:02:51You also promised yourself you'd write a good book.

00:02:53Okay, now.

00:02:56I mean, there's always one other option.

00:02:58There's another option? What's that?

00:03:00You ever heard of the Queensborough Bridge?

00:03:04I'll do the podcast.

00:03:22I extend the most robust and convivial greetings to all, to you, our esteemed podcast viewers who are experiencing these

00:03:33words in places hither, thither, and presumably on.

00:03:39You join the proceedings on a most felicitous particular occasion, for we are welcoming forth with a true master of

00:03:49mirth,

00:03:52a veritable Michelangelo, the lively art of amusing and delighting, the hoi ploi, which is not to say he is

00:04:02not popular also with the hoity-toity.

00:04:06He is an Emmy and BAFTA award-winning writer, director, and comedian.

00:04:12He is the co-creator of the original office of Extras, and he starred in the HBO hit, Hello Ladies.

00:04:19He is a splendid person.

00:04:21And it's good, because otherwise they'd punch motherfucking goddamn face.

00:04:25He is Steven Merchant, and he's with us for the full hour.

00:04:29I don't know.

00:04:30Why do that?

00:04:32I didn't realize that the show was going to have such hip references as William F. Buckley, who's been dead

00:04:41for, what, 25 years?

00:04:43It's ripped from today's YouTube.

00:04:45It really is, yeah.

00:04:46The kids watching this online, they're going to go crazy.

00:04:49After about three hours on YouTube, you'll find it.

00:04:52You just keep it up.

00:04:55What is a popular documentary on Netflix?

00:04:58It was a big popular documentary.

00:04:59That was good.

00:05:00I enjoyed it.

00:05:00No, it was great.

00:05:01Who was he talking with?

00:05:02It was Norman Mayer?

00:05:03No, Gore Vidal.

00:05:04Gore Vidal, yeah.

00:05:05Did you see Jiro Dreams of Sushi?

00:05:08I didn't.

00:05:10It's a Japanese guy sleeping.

00:05:14Is it?

00:05:15For two hours.

00:05:17Can we go through all the documentaries on Netflix and just give our opinions?

00:05:20Well, it's interesting because, like, at Jiro Dreams of Sushi, no one would ever watch that.

00:05:24I thought that was really popular, though.

00:05:26It was, but they force you to watch it, you know.

00:05:28I thought it was great.

00:05:30Did you?

00:05:30Yeah.

00:05:31Did you see the one about the making of The Island of Dr. Moreau?

00:05:34Oh, I don't know.

00:05:35I wanted to.

00:05:36That's a great inside Hollywood.

00:05:39Unfortunately, I've heard too many people tell me.

00:05:41Okay, I'm sorry.

00:05:42No, no, no.

00:05:42Tell me little bits about it.

00:05:43Oh, I see.

00:05:44You've heard the greatest hits.

00:05:45Yeah, yeah.

00:05:46But from bad storytellers.

00:05:48Yeah, sure.

00:05:49If I can.

00:05:51Act.

00:05:52Could you do the whole show as William F. Buckley?

00:05:55Oh, no.

00:05:56Well, if I can't do it.

00:05:56Just in case anyone tunes in late and misses it.

00:05:58I can't do it for 90 seconds.

00:05:59I can't do it for the whole show.

00:06:00But you had a question.

00:06:02Oh, no, I had a question.

00:06:03Forget his question.

00:06:04But this just occurred to me on the way to the show.

00:06:08It pleases so well prepared.

00:06:09Because I was brought up on British television.

00:06:12Okay.

00:06:12Being from Canada.

00:06:15And you know when you hear like an inside joke when you're a kid and you laugh anyway,

00:06:19you're like, I didn't get it, but I bet I should have or whatever.

00:06:22And in British shows, they seem to always like mention like some small town that nobody's ever heard of.

00:06:32Do you know what I mean?

00:06:33Right.

00:06:33Like in Monty Python, he's like pearly, say no more.

00:06:37Gets a big lamp.

00:06:38Right, right, right, right.

00:06:38You know, Torquay.

00:06:40Yeah.

00:06:40Hole.

00:06:41Hole is good.

00:06:43What are those towns like?

00:06:46Do they mean something?

00:06:47No, I think they are just, you know, I mean, I'll often refer to say, you know, Newton Poppleford.

00:06:53See, that's more like the Rancho Cucamonga.

00:06:55Yeah.

00:06:56Yeah, so it's, but they're places which people may or may not have heard of, but just sound, even to

00:07:01an English ear, they sound small or parochial or regional.

00:07:04Yeah.

00:07:05I don't think you were sort of missing out on anything too specific.

00:07:08Yeah.

00:07:08But Hull is sort of, no one's vacationing in Hull.

00:07:12Right.

00:07:13You know what I mean?

00:07:13If you're an American visiting England, no one's saying you've got to get to Hull.

00:07:17Pilkington might, right.

00:07:18Pilkington might.

00:07:20No, even he would avoid Hull.

00:07:22Oh, okay.

00:07:22So you're a child in England.

00:07:25What are you, 41?

00:07:26Yeah.

00:07:27You are?

00:07:28I am.

00:07:31Is this a thing you do where you guess people's ages?

00:07:34Is Circus Vargas coming at that?

00:07:38Oh, you're 41?

00:07:40Yeah.

00:07:41Okay.

00:07:41What led you to that?

00:07:42I forgot everything else.

00:07:43I don't know.

00:07:44I was going to ask you something and then I decided to say a number.

00:07:47Do I look 41?

00:07:48No, you look 36.

00:07:51Yeah.

00:07:51That's what I was fishing for.

00:07:53But when you were young, was Jimmy Saville on the air?

00:07:57Jimmy Saville?

00:07:58Saville as the British call him?

00:07:59Jimmy Saville was very much on the air.

00:08:00In fact, when Jimmy Saville, who for people who don't remember, was subsequently revealed to be one of our most

00:08:05heinous

00:08:07pedophiles and general all-round rotten eggs.

00:08:10Oh.

00:08:10But this only came out after he died.

00:08:12But when he died, you know, he was a figure from my childhood that I had great affection for.

00:08:17And I even sent a tweet saying, you know, RIP Jimmy Saville.

00:08:20Oh.

00:08:21Within sort of 12 months, people were sending me pictures of that tweet.

00:08:25Really, Steve?

00:08:25Oh, yeah, yeah.

00:08:25Really?

00:08:26And of course, it's only now, if people were to Google a picture of Saville, knowing that he was a

00:08:32horrible pedophile in general, all-round rotten person, that you'd look at it and you'd go, of course.

00:08:38I mean, now you look at him, yes, that makes perfect sense.

00:08:40I mean, with his, like, weird...

00:08:41I knew about the pedophile.

00:08:42He would think he'd wear things a bit like this.

00:08:45I knew a bit about the pedophile, but I didn't know about the all-around bad person part.

00:08:49Yes.

00:08:49Well, I suddenly realized that I couldn't remember all of his crimes.

00:08:53I know they were heinous.

00:08:54And I also didn't want to lower the tone this early in the show and just go into the real

00:08:58detail and nitty-gritty of his pedophilia.

00:09:00Well, one of the nitty-gritty parts was he was such a powerful entertainer that he was put on the

00:09:05board of a hospital.

00:09:06He was on the board of a hospital and he even had his own room in the hospital.

00:09:11Where he would, as we suddenly discovered, invite people, patients.

00:09:15And he liked people or patients that were in comas or somehow disabled.

00:09:21I don't know, but that might be your own speculation, I don't know.

00:09:24No, no, no, that's what I heard.

00:09:25Wow, I'm glad we kicked off with this and didn't build to the Jimmy Savile.

00:09:29There's also clips of Jimmy Savile on the air, like goosing a girl before the show.

00:09:34I see.

00:09:35But you know what's odd?

00:09:36I feel like I remember even when I was at school as a kid, I remember Jimmy Savile being regarded

00:09:42as weird.

00:09:43Okay.

00:09:44Like even then, that was sort of the joke, you know, that he was weird and kind of eccentric.

00:09:49Well, sort of all the jokes about children's entertainers are that they're pedophiles.

00:09:55That's what, in America, that's how, when you start stand-up, that's what they tell you.

00:09:58Yeah.

00:09:59Well, it turns out a lot of them are.

00:10:00It does.

00:10:01You know what I found interesting about extras?

00:10:03Because everybody thinks of England, they're always like Monty Python, like that it's the gold standard for comedy.

00:10:09Yeah.

00:10:09But it also had awful comedy.

00:10:13Terrible.

00:10:13And in extras, what was the show called?

00:10:16Oh, well, When the Wind Whistleblows?

00:10:18When the Wind Whistleblows.

00:10:19Yeah, I can remember.

00:10:20But I remember as a kid that there were shows like that with crazy garish costumes.

00:10:25Yeah.

00:10:25And there were shows that never made it here.

00:10:27Even that jaw, when Ricky's friends would put his jaw out.

00:10:31Very much.

00:10:32Yeah, yeah.

00:10:32There was a show called Love Thy Neighbor, which ran for many seasons, the premise of which

00:10:37was a white man lived next door to a black couple, which in the 70s was like, what?

00:10:43Yeah, yeah.

00:10:43Can you imagine?

00:10:45Yeah, yeah.

00:10:47Extraordinary.

00:10:47I mean, that ran for years.

00:10:48And there was all called Mind Your Language, where a guy was teaching a class of basically

00:10:53sort of ethnic stereotypes.

00:10:55Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:10:55You know, like an Indian man and a Chinese man and so on, teaching them English.

00:10:59But when you say astonishing, well, at the time you wouldn't think it was astonishing.

00:11:02You'd agree with the premise.

00:11:03Huge hits.

00:11:04I saw the original Three's Comedy recently.

00:11:05So let's say you're a young man, and you see a black woman and a white man together.

00:11:11Is it jarring?

00:11:13When I was a young person.

00:11:14When you were a boy.

00:11:15Well, I never saw that.

00:11:16I mean, we lived in England.

00:11:17We didn't allow such things.

00:11:19Right.

00:11:19No, I don't remember ever.

00:11:21You sat at some point for the first time.

00:11:22I remember when I was at school growing up, when I was 16, a bit younger, 14, there was

00:11:27one black kid in the school.

00:11:29And I remember thinking, all I remember thinking is, oh, he's the only black kid in the school.

00:11:34Do you know what I mean?

00:11:34Like it was, oh, he's the, like, I would look around and there would just be white faces and

00:11:38a few Indian faces and then one black face.

00:11:41Right.

00:11:42And now?

00:11:43And now there's four at that school.

00:11:45It's really very diverse.

00:11:47How Muslim is London right now the last time you were there?

00:11:50Well, I did a quick head count when I got back.

00:11:52Yeah.

00:11:53Just to check if any more had come in or left.

00:11:55And it seems like we're pretty, we're pretty even keel at the moment.

00:11:58Your mayor is, there's a.

00:12:00The, our mayor is.

00:12:03He doesn't even, I heard he was an imam.

00:12:04That's right.

00:12:05Yeah.

00:12:06That's what someone told me.

00:12:07Yeah.

00:12:08Now wherever it's a very culturally, I don't want to speak for England when it comes to

00:12:13our Muslim population.

00:12:14Or I don't know that I'm as qualified as perhaps I seem.

00:12:17You should never.

00:12:18You shouldn't be talking about Muslims.

00:12:21Huh?

00:12:22Should we go back to pedophiles?

00:12:23Even though the, wait a minute.

00:12:24I don't know.

00:12:25There's no equivalence.

00:12:26No, there's no equivalence.

00:12:27But I'm just thinking if you, it feels like we're.

00:12:29Jesus Christ.

00:12:29It feels like we're, you've wanted to get into subjects which can cause ripples of tension

00:12:36to an audience.

00:12:37I didn't mean to do that.

00:12:38Although, I was just in a club and I was talking about transgender and I said, I remember

00:12:44when Bruce Jenner, when he won the decathlon, someone said, she.

00:12:49So I had to go, oh yeah, she won the decathlon.

00:12:52Oh, I see.

00:12:52But when he, when he, he was a he when he ran the decathlon?

00:12:55No, he was always a she.

00:12:57Oh, he was always a she.

00:12:58Oh, I see.

00:12:58So a woman won the decathlon in 1976.

00:13:01Right.

00:13:01Without any of us.

00:13:02I'm, I'm, I'm ashamed to say that I'm very confused by that.

00:13:06I am.

00:13:07In terms of sort of what one should, what one should say.

00:13:10I don't want to cause offense, but I don't feel like I, was there a memo that went wrong

00:13:14just to explain exactly what we should say.

00:13:17And because I know now there's also the idea that we remove gender at all.

00:13:21Right?

00:13:21So there's no him and her.

00:13:22Right.

00:13:22She and he, it's become.

00:13:24But then if you say, but then if you say, well, I've, I always thought I was a woman,

00:13:28you know, I always, well, then what does that mean?

00:13:30If there's no difference between the gender.

00:13:32Right.

00:13:33Well, how did you, how do you feel if you, if you had a cock and balls, right?

00:13:39And that would push you towards maybe you're a guy.

00:13:44Right.

00:13:44So, and then it has to be, I'll be inside.

00:13:46I felt I was a woman.

00:13:48Right.

00:13:48You know?

00:13:48And so what does that mean?

00:13:50If there's no gender, if there's no difference?

00:13:52Yeah.

00:13:52Am I supposed to answer that?

00:13:54Yeah.

00:13:54You have to answer.

00:13:55Is that why I was wrong?

00:13:56I mean, it would be awful if you said it's, it was cookies or, you know, you like to bake

00:14:01cookies.

00:14:02Then you'd be sexist.

00:14:04But we can, we'd be sexist if there's no male or female.

00:14:06No, you shouldn't be able to be sexist, right?

00:14:09Yeah.

00:14:09Right.

00:14:10I'm not, I'm not trying to, I'm not trying to make light of this because it's clearly,

00:14:13it is a very sensitive and I don't know what the hell I'm talking about.

00:14:15That's a real serious issue.

00:14:16Do you know that you are a cis male?

00:14:19Have you ever heard of that term?

00:14:20A cis male?

00:14:21Cis male.

00:14:22C-Y-S-M-A-L-E.

00:14:23So what it means is that you are a man, you're born a man.

00:14:27Well, as far as you know.

00:14:28As far as I know.

00:14:29And you identify yourself as a man.

00:14:32Yes.

00:14:32That's a cis male.

00:14:34Now I don't understand where does that...

00:14:36Is this a new phrase?

00:14:37Yes, it's a way of marginalizing a normal person.

00:14:43So you're a cis male, and this other person's a trans.

00:14:47So you're equal.

00:14:49She's a man that thinks she's a woman.

00:14:51You're a man that thinks you're a man.

00:14:54It's completely equal.

00:14:55So everyone's, it's all fluid.

00:14:56Yes, everyone is self-identifying.

00:15:00Yes, and I'm all for that.

00:15:02Yeah, I think what I felt was I suddenly felt like I was causing offense unwittingly by simply not knowing

00:15:08what the terminology is now.

00:15:11You know, I feel like I'm a bit behind the curve on this.

00:15:14Well, I wonder if we could have, like, there could be a lecture.

00:15:16Maybe you could do an informative podcast.

00:15:18I'd love to have a member of the LGBTQ.

00:15:22But anyways, we're not here to talk about this.

00:15:26You know what I mean?

00:15:27Because people are going to start filling up your Twitter feed with hate.

00:15:30Yeah, I feel like I'm already in trouble.

00:15:32Yeah, you're still real.

00:15:34I feel like there's definitely things I've said already that I wish I could take back.

00:15:38And I don't know what they are.

00:15:40I just know they're out there.

00:15:41Yeah, you know.

00:15:41Can I please now send an apology to everyone watching that I'm sorry.

00:15:45I thought I was going to come on to talk about my light career in show business.

00:15:50And instead, I am now speaking for both Muslims, the entire LGBTQ community.

00:15:55There's no equivalency.

00:15:56I know.

00:15:56I'm just saying the different subjects you brought up.

00:15:59And also Muslims.

00:16:00Gary Glitter fan club.

00:16:02Yeah.

00:16:02Gary Glitter was friends with your friend, Jimmy Saville.

00:16:06Jimmy Saville, please.

00:16:08Don't give him the fancy name of Saville.

00:16:11Sir James Saville.

00:16:12But wouldn't they all get together kind of in Saville's and Saville's and dressing him,

00:16:17Gary Glitter, and come out?

00:16:19I've got a speculation, which is it's funny how...

00:16:23See, there was a number of artists and people who...

00:16:26So, for instance, Gary Glitter was caught doing inappropriate things, and his music career, you know, correctly, rightly, sort of

00:16:35ended almost overnight.

00:16:37Maybe.

00:16:37Did he have any...

00:16:38Yeah, but you can say that.

00:16:40There was a Christmas song that he had, which in England was a hit every year.

00:16:43It would be on the radio every year.

00:16:44Another rock and roll Christmas.

00:16:45Yes.

00:16:46I don't know who he wrote that with, but they're obviously missing out on royalties now.

00:16:49And why is it just that I should not get to listen to that anymore?

00:16:52Well, because he's turned out to be quite an unsavory character.

00:16:55But they still play it every time that Calgary Flames score a goal.

00:16:58They do?

00:16:59Oh, yeah.

00:16:59Oh, that doesn't seem odd.

00:17:01No, in England, you never...

00:17:02He's been whitewashed from history.

00:17:04Like, it's sort of like Stalin has removed him from all the old pop shows of the 70s.

00:17:09There's just a missing, just a pixelated image.

00:17:12And that's true of another, a number of people.

00:17:14But if it had been T-Rex who had committed those crimes, I still think...

00:17:18No, because I have a theory.

00:17:20It's to do with the quality of the music.

00:17:22See, with Jacko, we didn't wipe Jacko out from history because we didn't want to go to weddings and not

00:17:26have Billie Jean.

00:17:27Exactly.

00:17:27So if the music was better in the case of Glitter, I think we'd have all...

00:17:31I mean, it felt like the entire world sort of turned their back on the Jacko accusations, right?

00:17:37And just said, well, anything.

00:17:38He didn't start doing this pre-dangerous.

00:17:41So we can listen to everything from the 70s and 80s.

00:17:44And he got away with it.

00:17:46We had a guy in the Montreal Expos that did rock cocaine, you know?

00:17:49Chris Reigns.

00:17:50He did cocaine.

00:17:51Yeah.

00:17:51But the second baseman, he did marijuana and they kicked him off the team.

00:17:56And because, you know, Tim Reigns was stealing 90 bases.

00:18:01You know cricket?

00:18:03I don't know what you're talking about.

00:18:05I realized that when I was talking.

00:18:07So I thought I'd start with cricket.

00:18:08You know cricket.

00:18:09I know cricket, yeah.

00:18:10So, you know, the head bulls to mermen?

00:18:14The head bulls to mermen?

00:18:15So he hits the ball, right?

00:18:18And then the guy catches it.

00:18:20He throws it back in.

00:18:21Two days pass.

00:18:23Yeah.

00:18:27I didn't realize you were going to come on a bad-mouthed Sir Jimmy Seville and the great

00:18:32national sport of cricket.

00:18:33Wait, was he ever a knight?

00:18:35Yes.

00:18:35They had to, I think they've retracted it.

00:18:37Oh, they retracted it?

00:18:38Well, yeah.

00:18:39They retracted Bill Cosby's Medal of Freedom, I think.

00:18:42I did.

00:18:43I don't know why he'd get a Medal of Freedom in the first place.

00:18:45A thing?

00:18:46A Medal of Freedom?

00:18:47Yeah.

00:18:48I just want to see.

00:18:48Can I just say as well that Michael Jackson was never convicted of any crimes that I've

00:18:52accused him of there, so I apologize to Jackson fans and families.

00:18:55You remember the Arab Spring.

00:18:58Yeah.

00:18:59I just would like to issue a series of apologies again.

00:19:01I just feel like we've got to this point and I've made, I've bandied around comments

00:19:06about Michael Jackson, which are not substantiated.

00:19:09I'm a huge fan of his feelings.

00:19:11Excuse me.

00:19:11He was found not guilty.

00:19:11Excuse me, Norm.

00:19:12We all have your time.

00:19:12He was found not guilty.

00:19:13He was found not guilty of everything.

00:19:15Nothing was substantiated or proven.

00:19:17His music is wonderful.

00:19:18I still am a huge fan of everything pre-dangerous.

00:19:21After that, I think it's a bit wobbly.

00:19:22Agreed.

00:19:23And so I'd like to make no comparison between him and Gary Glitter, who is a convicted one-

00:19:28One hit, one hit.

00:19:28Now, in the office, you do a joke about George Michaels in the first office.

00:19:41I don't remember the specifics of that joke.

00:19:43I'd like to apologize to George Michaels.

00:19:44Oh, yeah.

00:19:45In the bathroom.

00:19:46He's a wonderful musician.

00:19:47Yeah.

00:19:47What's his latest release?

00:19:50Oh, yeah.

00:19:50It was in the pilot.

00:19:51Right on the wall of the bathroom.

00:19:53Right.

00:19:54Right.

00:19:54And you know, he did that right near where I lived.

00:19:58You would go in.

00:19:59You stole it from your window?

00:20:00Well, no, because I'm a heterosexual.

00:20:02Imagine if you were a heterosexual and you walked into a public bathroom and Farrah Fawcett

00:20:09Majors was finger-fucking herself.

00:20:12Yeah.

00:20:12That'd be a nice...

00:20:13You wouldn't...

00:20:13You know, you go into that bathroom a lot.

00:20:15And you're a big fat guy.

00:20:15Farrah Fawcett now or back in the seventh house?

00:20:17No, no.

00:20:18In the day.

00:20:19Right.

00:20:19Another hit reference for the kids.

00:20:22It's Buckley.

00:20:22It's Fawcett Majors.

00:20:24By the way, Fawcett Majors died the same day as Michael Jackson.

00:20:28Michael Jackson.

00:20:28And apparently she was in the green room, or not, she wasn't, she was dead, but Ryan

00:20:33O'Neill and Griffin O'Neill and the friends of Farrah Fawcett were in the green room of

00:20:38Larry King and they found out Michael Jackson's just died.

00:20:42So somebody had to go in, I don't know who, and go...

00:20:47I don't understand.

00:20:48Do you mean they were...

00:20:49They got kicked out of Larry King line.

00:20:51They did?

00:20:52Bigger star.

00:20:53Much bigger star died.

00:20:54Yeah.

00:20:55They said, we'll have you back.

00:20:57Never had him back.

00:20:58I always get anxious when I'm on a plane and I see a much bigger celebrity than me.

00:21:02And I think, well, if this goes down...

00:21:03Is that almost every flight?

00:21:04I'm going to get, like, small print.

00:21:05Almost every flight, yeah.

00:21:07All right.

00:21:08We'll be back in a second.

00:21:15We're back with Stephen Merchant and my trusty sidekick, Adam Egan.

00:21:20Now, you meet, at some point in your life, Ricky Gervais.

00:21:26When does this happen?

00:21:27At a radio station in England, yes, in about 1998.

00:21:33And you're both WAGs?

00:21:37Yes.

00:21:37You both work on the air?

00:21:39Behind the scenes.

00:21:40Oh, behind the scenes.

00:21:41Yes.

00:21:42He was the head of speech, and he immediately decided he needed an assistant when he got

00:21:48the job, and I happened to send my resume in, and he gave him the job.

00:21:51Wow.

00:21:52And I became assistant head of speech.

00:21:54Do you know what that means?

00:21:55No.

00:21:55It was a made-up.

00:21:55It was a made-up position.

00:21:56It wasn't a job.

00:21:58So that's like the civil service.

00:21:59Is the BBC owned by a gentleman?

00:22:01This wasn't the BBC.

00:22:01This was just a local radio station that just launched that played alternative music.

00:22:06Kind of like a KCRW.

00:22:07Right, right, right.

00:22:08And, yeah, we were sort of backroom boys, and then we had an email one day from the boss

00:22:13that said, I remember quite distinctly, I'm paraphrasing, but it said something like,

00:22:18what am I paying you cunts for?

00:22:20I'm not paraphrasing this.

00:22:22It did say cunts.

00:22:23And so we panicked, and then we rushed onto the air and kind of did this segment, a jokey

00:22:28segment, and then we got an email saying, that was the funniest thing I've ever heard.

00:22:33And then, basically, that was our relationship with the boss.

00:22:36It would be, that was a piece of shit, anyone like that, and you're fired.

00:22:40That was hilarious.

00:22:41You're geniuses, and it would be very much like that for the next day.

00:22:43So you were just a conduit for his bipolar.

00:22:47Unfortunately, the radio station launched the day after Princess Diana died, so it was quite,

00:22:52it wasn't quite the sort of fanfare and celebration.

00:22:56A bit like when Far or Foolsett died, and then it was usurped.

00:22:59But the Queen, somebody told me the Queen murdered her.

00:23:01Yes, she did.

00:23:01Yes, that's well known in England, yeah.

00:23:04I'd like to apologize to the Queen.

00:23:06We have a comedian named Richard Belzer here.

00:23:09Right.

00:23:09So one time I saw, I was watching this political show with, who's that?

00:23:13Bill Maher.

00:23:14Right.

00:23:15And he's, so Bill, Richard Belzer's, and you get to name, you get to call yourself whatever

00:23:20you want, comedian, you know.

00:23:22He said, Richard Belzer, conspiracy theorist.

00:23:26Wow.

00:23:27So it's like he believes in all of them.

00:23:28Is he a conspiracy theorist?

00:23:30Yeah.

00:23:30He's known for being a conspiracy theorist?

00:23:31Yeah, he's written books and stuff.

00:23:33Wow, okay.

00:23:33Like he decided to take Mort Sahl's career path.

00:23:38Right.

00:23:38He wrote a book on Kennedy, John F. Kennedy.

00:23:41Mm-hmm.

00:23:42Mm-hmm.

00:23:51Mm-hmm.

00:23:52Yeah, there we are.

00:23:54So I did a lot of the typing and laundry.

00:23:58And that's why you are not in The Office.

00:24:04No, not really.

00:24:05I think it was more of-

00:24:06Wouldn't he be a great Garrett?

00:24:07Well, he played Garrett's friend.

00:24:09Well, yeah.

00:24:10Wanting show.

00:24:11Yeah, I'm a monster.

00:24:12Well, do we want to get into it?

00:24:14Is this interesting?

00:24:15Yeah, it's very interesting.

00:24:16People love The Office.

00:24:18You know what my favorite moment in The Office is?

00:24:21Yeah.

00:24:22When David Brent says, Gareth has cars and does karate, and then does them in opposite.

00:24:32Yeah.

00:24:33He says, talk about it, and he starts talking about his karate, and he does the car, and

00:24:36then he can change.

00:24:38So why were you not in the show?

00:24:40Well-

00:24:41You must have wanted it like crazy.

00:24:42No, not really, because we were writing it and directing it and sort of producing it

00:24:48and editing it.

00:24:49Both of you were doing that.

00:24:50Well, I know, exactly.

00:24:51But I think if we'd both been in front of the camera and behind the scenes, I mean, I

00:24:56just don't think it ever occurred to me.

00:24:57I mean, it was sort of like, it was kind of, well, I was just amazed we were doing it

00:25:00at all.

00:25:01Yeah.

00:25:01And just privileged, and like, this is incredible.

00:25:04Sure.

00:25:04And I mean, it was only after the series had finished when I saw all the free stuff that

00:25:09Ricky got sent.

00:25:10Oh, yeah.

00:25:10And, you know, and the privileges and the restaurant reservations and everything.

00:25:12Then I thought, I'll have a piece of that.

00:25:14But at the time, it never occurred to me.

00:25:16The only reason that Gareth, you might think I would be similar, is because he started doing

00:25:20an impression of my voice.

00:25:21Oh.

00:25:22So he sounds a bit like-

00:25:24Worse?

00:25:25No, because we asked him to.

00:25:26It wasn't a surprise.

00:25:27I didn't get in the editing room and go, wait a minute, that sounds like someone I know.

00:25:31So you said, you act like me.

00:25:34This must have occurred to you that this is very similar to Larry David.

00:25:40Hmm?

00:25:40Your career trajectory.

00:25:42Oh, I see.

00:25:43Right.

00:25:44Seinfeld to-

00:25:45You do Seinfeld.

00:25:45Then you do a show by yourself.

00:25:47But I'm not a successful as Larry David always.

00:25:47You do a show by yourself.

00:25:49Right.

00:25:50And that's what I found fascinating about your show and Curb, is then I could see what was

00:25:59Larry David's and what was Jerry Seinfeld's.

00:26:04And now I could see what was yours and what was Ricky Gervais's.

00:26:09Right, right, right.

00:26:11So that was very interesting.

00:26:12But you must-

00:26:13But I don't think, I think probably, I'm sure if you asked Larry when he was doing Seinfeld,

00:26:18I don't know that he was, I mean, I don't know, but I wouldn't have thought he was necessarily

00:26:21itching to be on screen every 10 minutes.

00:26:23I mean, I think the pleasure of writing the show and making it and everything is enough.

00:26:28I mean, I remember once his name, Bill Murray said, if you have a choice between being

00:26:32rich and famous and just rich, take rich.

00:26:35Right, right, right.

00:26:35So anyways, you do, so you do The Office, it's a big hit.

00:26:39You begin to resent Ricky Gervais.

00:26:43I mean, that's what you said, I didn't.

00:26:44Yeah.

00:26:45His success, not him.

00:26:47No, I didn't resent him.

00:26:47I just, I, you know.

00:26:49Suddenly you're in a different circle, though.

00:26:52I mean-

00:26:52What do you mean?

00:26:53Well, money, money separates people.

00:26:57Between he and I, or between me and other people?

00:26:59Or did you both have enough money that you didn't care?

00:27:02Did you get enough money, I'm saying, did you get enough money from that show?

00:27:07Ultimately, I did, but not between making The Office and Extras, in which I did appear.

00:27:12Oh, okay.

00:27:13But in Extras, I appeared partly because, you know, it'd be nice to have, you know, hotel

00:27:19reservations.

00:27:21Hotel reservations, very specific.

00:27:22I meant restaurant reservations, but yeah, hotel reservations, also great.

00:27:26Not that you can't get hotel or restaurant reservations being non-famous.

00:27:30It makes it easy now.

00:27:31But I've never seen a guy, I've never, I've been with very famous guys.

00:27:35Yeah.

00:27:35And like, walked into a restaurant and they never go, get out, Sandler's here, and kick

00:27:40people out of their, you know.

00:27:42No, but I think they can probably find a table that perhaps wouldn't be open to someone if,

00:27:46if the likes of you and I walked in together.

00:27:48Yeah, you know?

00:27:48Right.

00:27:49We'd have to line up with everyone else.

00:27:52So, yes, that, but also that as we wrote together, I seemed like I was a kind of resource that

00:27:57was there.

00:27:58You know, I was going to be on the set anyway, so why not stick me in?

00:28:01This is an extra.

00:28:02Yeah, in Extras.

00:28:03Something that did not occur to you in The Office.

00:28:06Right.

00:28:07Well, just because there was not a character that lent itself to me to play, really.

00:28:11Except the guy that you directed to act just like you.

00:28:15No, no, no.

00:28:15He just did a voice.

00:28:16He did my voice.

00:28:17He doesn't, yeah.

00:28:18He did my voice because.

00:28:19And Larry David, I mean, uh, uh, George Alexander.

00:28:24Yeah.

00:28:25George Alexander, what's his name?

00:28:27George DeStanza, Jason Alexander.

00:28:29Jason Alexander did the voice of.

00:28:31Oh, he was doing Larry?

00:28:32Yeah.

00:28:33Right.

00:28:33So you guys really have a lot in common.

00:28:35Yeah.

00:28:38You know, he doesn't speak the Queen's English, but other than that.

00:28:41Sure.

00:28:41Yeah.

00:28:42Who has a better accent than the Welsh?

00:28:45Good point.

00:28:46That's a great point.

00:28:48Did you ever meet a Welsh girl?

00:28:50I've met Welsh girls, yeah.

00:28:52How are their voices?

00:28:53Beautiful.

00:28:54I mean, no one's got a better voice.

00:28:55The most sonorous voices.

00:28:57This guy I met, you were telling me how you met.

00:29:02I was in New York, and he worked under the Queensborough Bridge jerking off men for $15 a man.

00:29:08Okay, so good value.

00:29:10Yeah.

00:29:11Good value jerking off.

00:29:13And you met him how you were?

00:29:15I was a huge star.

00:29:17Sure.

00:29:19Sure.

00:29:20No, I was a big, big star.

00:29:21Sure, sure, sure.

00:29:22And this was, we have a show in America, Saturday Night Live.

00:29:27Okay.

00:29:28And so I was the best guy.

00:29:32You were the funniest guy in there?

00:29:34Yeah, and then I met him.

00:29:35Mm-hmm.

00:29:36He was a young man.

00:29:39He said he was 18, but he looked 14.

00:29:42Yeah.

00:29:43And soft hands.

00:29:44Beautiful.

00:29:45And he jerked off men.

00:29:47Yeah.

00:29:47$15 a man.

00:29:49Yeah.

00:29:50So at the time, there was a horrible story in New York.

00:29:53I don't know if this made it across the pond.

00:29:56There was this guy, Albert Fish.

00:29:58Right.

00:29:59Do you know a story?

00:30:00Never heard of him.

00:30:01So what he did was, he kidnapped children.

00:30:04Right.

00:30:05And he murdered them.

00:30:08I mean, there's no other way of putting it.

00:30:10Yeah.

00:30:10But before he murdered them, he would cut pieces off of them.

00:30:16Would he?

00:30:16Yes.

00:30:17While they were alive.

00:30:18Yeah.

00:30:19But he knew enough.

00:30:20He was almost like with surgical ability to know how much blood the child could lose.

00:30:27Yes.

00:30:27And still stay conscious and rapable.

00:30:30And he would take pieces off and put them in a stew.

00:30:34He would make a stew.

00:30:35He would rape what was left of the child.

00:30:38Right.

00:30:39To get his appetite going.

00:30:41Uh-huh.

00:30:41And then he would, as he wrote in many letters that he sent to the editor.

00:30:46And, you know, there were a lot of typos, which made it more disturbing somehow.

00:30:49Sure.

00:30:50I'm not sure why.

00:30:51But he just talked about how the rump of the girl was so, I mean, this guy was a real

00:30:57jerk.

00:30:58Yeah.

00:30:58It's beginning to sound that way.

00:31:00Um, I remember when you interviewed Adam Sandler, there wasn't quite as much kiddie rape and murder in that one

00:31:08as there is in this one.

00:31:09I don't know.

00:31:10There was a lot more frothy show good stories about your time on SNL.

00:31:13Um, perhaps you could share one of those, perhaps, where you first developed your William F. Buckley impression.

00:31:18Was that a big hit on the show, or?

00:31:21The Bill Buckley?

00:31:22Yeah.

00:31:23Well, we could never get a guy that knew how to do Michael Kinsley.

00:31:26That was the problem.

00:31:27Yeah.

00:31:27That's going to be lost on you from the other side of the car.

00:31:30That's not just going to be lost on me.

00:31:31That's not just going to be lost on me.

00:31:31Now, what do you think of the, what do you, did you grow up with David Frost?

00:31:35Was he kind of an idiot?

00:31:36Did people not like him?

00:31:38Uh, he was, um, by the time I, uh, was aware of him, he was hosting a show called Through

00:31:43the Keyhole,

00:31:44in which, uh, people would go into celebrities' homes, and they'd have to try and identify whose house it was

00:31:50from wandering around their home.

00:31:52Because the celebrity wasn't there.

00:31:53They were hidden, obviously.

00:31:53And they would say, look, there's a giant dildo or whatever, and you'd make a guess.

00:31:57Jimmy Saville.

00:31:58Jimmy Saville.

00:31:59And, uh.

00:32:00Am I saying that right?

00:32:01Jimmy Saville.

00:32:01Saville.

00:32:02Um, say his name right, please.

00:32:04Don't, let's not take his name in vain.

00:32:06Um, and, uh, yes.

00:32:08So, David, but David Frost, um, was, yes.

00:32:10Whereas I think in the 60s, he was considered a quiet journalist.

00:32:12Let's say Jimmy Saville goes into a room, and a guy is, like, you know, the person is, can't move.

00:32:18They're paralyzed.

00:32:19Yeah.

00:32:20And he doesn't act upon that person.

00:32:23Right.

00:32:24Who's to say it's bad?

00:32:26Yeah.

00:32:27Me?

00:32:27I'll say it's bad.

00:32:28But the lady is just lying there.

00:32:31You think her life's, uh, you don't think that's, she's just lying there.

00:32:35All of a sudden, a great entertainer.

00:32:38A knight of the realm.

00:32:39Fucks her.

00:32:40Yeah, yeah.

00:32:41I mean, even, like you say, uh, your, uh, unwanted, uh, unwanted, W-O-N-T, uh, allegations against Michael

00:32:50Jackson, there had to be kids that were like, well, this is pretty cool.

00:32:55Yeah.

00:32:56This is not some old priest.

00:32:58I'm just wondering if I...

00:32:59I have a priest, by the way.

00:33:00Can I just ask that because...

00:33:01I'm, I'm, I'm not Catholic, but I know a priest.

00:33:02You have a priest anyway?

00:33:03I know a priest.

00:33:04Yeah.

00:33:05And I feel sorry for them because most of them don't fuck children.

00:33:08I just want to put that on the record, that more teachers fuck children than priests, and yet teachers are

00:33:13heroes and, and...

00:33:15Finally someone brave enough to say it, which is great.

00:33:18Um, but of course, what concerns me is that you have, um, your, uh, amendment, second amendment, whichever it is,

00:33:25which, third, fifth amendment.

00:33:26I don't.

00:33:26Whichever amendment, first amendment, whichever one it is that allows.

00:33:29I'm not American.

00:33:29No, but the show here is being made in America.

00:33:31Okay.

00:33:32So you have it too.

00:33:33Right.

00:33:33I don't know.

00:33:34This is the question.

00:33:34I don't, if we go back to our respective countries, can we now be sued for libel?

00:33:39Or is the fact that this show is originating from America, does that absolve us?

00:33:44Do you see?

00:33:45Because, so when we, when we land...

00:33:46There's different libel, slander lives.

00:33:48There's different libel laws.

00:33:49Yeah.

00:33:49That's interesting.

00:33:51I'm just wondering if, if who's going to sue me when I land at Heathrow in about three weeks' time.

00:33:57I mean, the estate of Saville, the queen, uh, the Muslim community, the Jackson family.

00:34:03But let me ask you for a moment about the Arab Spring.

00:34:05Finally.

00:34:06And this is the question I came to talk about.

00:34:07Yeah.

00:34:09Yes.

00:34:10Please do.

00:34:10What, why is it that you can't, England's not doing well financially.

00:34:16Right.

00:34:17Can't you get a, uh, you call them your mates?

00:34:21Mm-hmm.

00:34:22They're friends.

00:34:23Yeah, yeah.

00:34:24Everybody else in the world.

00:34:26They call them mates.

00:34:27Sure.

00:34:28Get a couple of dozen of your mates and go down to that Buckingham Palace and kill the old bag.

00:34:34To what end?

00:34:35Smutty.

00:34:37Right.

00:34:38Are you an old sea captain?

00:34:40What is this shtick that you, are you drunk on rum?

00:34:44We were talking outside about why you never sort of, you never guest hosted for some of the,

00:34:49I'm beginning to realize.

00:34:50But, um, uh, that's, and yeah, it's, it's, what's weird is you're not even drunk.

00:34:57And yeah, and yeah, it's, the illusion of it is extraordinary.

00:35:01Have you had a stroke or have you had a breakdown?

00:35:03It's a breakdown.

00:35:04You just had a slight, just a little light breakdown on the way in the car.

00:35:08Because I'm pretty sure, I've watched some of these other editions of the show and I'm

00:35:11pleased, I'm pleased to see that I've not, I've broken from the rule of only having white

00:35:15blokes on the show, which seems to be, I don't, you've only, you only have white men and

00:35:19red Roseanne.

00:35:20Because it's supposed to be a comedy.

00:35:22Right, right, right.

00:35:23But, uh.

00:35:24It's supposed to be.

00:35:25It's supposed to be.

00:35:26It's allegedly.

00:35:27What, you had a question.

00:35:28I had a few.

00:35:29I said so.

00:35:29I had a few.

00:35:30Well.

00:35:32We were told no questions.

00:35:34Oh, you were?

00:35:35Yeah, good.

00:35:35Well, you certainly lived up to that side of the bargain.

00:35:39Go ahead.

00:35:39When did you, when did you first realize that you had some sort of, I don't want to call,

00:35:43I guess I'd call it a gold mine with Carl Pilkington.

00:35:46When did you first realize, oh my God, there's something here?

00:35:49Uh.

00:35:49An instant taint?

00:35:50Was it just?

00:35:51Well, no, he was given to us as a producer.

00:35:54You should get one, by the way.

00:35:55Who, um, who, uh, he was just there to press the buttons on our radio show, really, initially.

00:36:01And then we would periodically ask him questions, and then he would just, the answers he came

00:36:07out with were just gold dust.

00:36:09I mean, and I forget what they were early on.

00:36:11It would just, tiny little things like, um, he would say things like, um, uh, what were

00:36:16those things in that movie Gremlins called?

00:36:19With long calls and we'd say Gremlins, Carl.

00:36:22And then, and then he told a long story about how he'd, he'd, he'd, he'd, blah, blah, blah,

00:36:26blah, and then I went to the next door neighbors, and they, they kept a horse in the living room.

00:36:29Anyway, and that wasn't the point of the story.

00:36:32That was just a passing detail.

00:36:34And we thought, no, no, go back to the horse in the, in the house, Carl, because I think

00:36:37there might be something there.

00:36:39And so, then we started to unearth, you know, how he saw the world, and then it was just,

00:36:44it was a never-ending gold mine.

00:36:46Was that the first, was it you, or, I know between you and Adam Carolla, that was one

00:36:50of the first, your podcast was one of the first I'd ever heard of, and I, I listened

00:36:54to it.

00:36:55I remember that.

00:36:55Every, every single episode.

00:36:57Because I remember they said, we have too much bandwidth.

00:36:58We have to start charging people.

00:37:01I remember that happening.

00:37:02Was that a thing?

00:37:04Bandwidth.

00:37:04Yeah.

00:37:07So, go ahead.

00:37:10Ask him another question about Carl Tilkington.

00:37:14Carl, um.

00:37:16He's, look, he had one question.

00:37:17He asked it.

00:37:18It went well.

00:37:19You're throwing this out in there.

00:37:20Do you have a particular favorite line or scene from The Office that, who came up with

00:37:27the, on extras?

00:37:27This is like you two have won a competition.

00:37:29I know, it is.

00:37:31On extras.

00:37:31Host your own YouTube talk show.

00:37:33On extras, who came up with that?

00:37:34A guy we found under a bridge.

00:37:36And a guy who was jerking him off.

00:37:38That's him.

00:37:39That's him.

00:37:40That's him.

00:37:49That's him.

00:37:49He drinks an extra, the, the, and then it all comes.

00:37:53Oh, the water bottle?

00:37:54Right.

00:37:55Yeah.

00:37:55Where'd that come from?

00:37:57Uh.

00:37:57Did he actually do that in real life or something?

00:37:59Or did you just.

00:38:00No, we were just, we were just trying to come up with, you know, an absurd sort of, um,

00:38:05embarrass yourself in front of a woman routine.

00:38:07Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:38:08And that was what came.

00:38:09Now, when you were doing The Office, did you have any idea that Ricky Gervais would end

00:38:14up being such a fantastic actor that could pull off these moments?

00:38:19Oh, yeah.

00:38:20When the first time that he played that character on camera, because we did it as part of a

00:38:24training exercise at the BBC when I was working at the BBC, because I left the radio station

00:38:29I mentioned, that I met him at, and joined the BBC, realizing I would get fired if I continued

00:38:32to work with him.

00:38:33And so I joined the BBC, and then while there, I made a training film, and that was where we

00:38:37did our little sort of, if you like, demo of The Office.

00:38:40Oh, really?

00:38:40And I remember sort of finishing editing it and running to the phone box at the time.

00:38:44I didn't even have a mobile phone.

00:38:45I'm phoning him going, this is dynamite.

00:38:46And he was just electrified.

00:38:49And then we were like, oh, this is something.

00:38:51So you knew from right from the center.

00:38:53Yeah.

00:38:54You knew at least it was funny.

00:38:55I knew it was funny, and I knew he was just great as that character.

00:38:59Yeah.

00:39:00But he was great a lot.

00:39:01It's funny, because you know what they would always say, like, a boss from hell.

00:39:03Sometimes they just say things.

00:39:05Right.

00:39:05Seinfeld's about nothing, and this is a boss from hell.

00:39:08And that's not how I saw it.

00:39:09When I watched it, I would always go, oh, he's cool.

00:39:12I'd like to hang out with him.

00:39:13Wow.

00:39:14Everybody else is, why aren't they laughing at him?

00:39:17Yeah.

00:39:18Yeah.

00:39:19They're all the guys stuck dead in life, not him.

00:39:24Well, he, I mean, Ricky would often have people come up to him in the street and kind of eagerly

00:39:28run up and go, I'm just like that guy you play.

00:39:31And he ran off gleefully like that was a compliment, which was always odd.

00:39:35One guy, and we said that there's such strange, one guy, a homeless guy once came up with a plastic

00:39:42bag, and he said, look at these.

00:39:44It's DVDs of your show.

00:39:45I just stole them from the record store.

00:39:47And he ran off.

00:39:48I just swung it over the metal detector.

00:39:50See ya.

00:39:51And he ran off.

00:39:52People just felt they could just come up and share.

00:40:01Great days, great days.

00:40:03Do you, um.

00:40:04Here we go.

00:40:05I remember, no, I remember hearing you telling stories about, you know, being like trying to get into nightclub.

00:40:10There was like a time you tried to get into the nightclub, and then another time on holiday just being

00:40:14embarrassed.

00:40:15And it seemed reminiscent of that, a lot of scenes from Hello Ladies.

00:40:18Did you ever have an incident similar to that scene in Hello Ladies at the nightclub where you fell through

00:40:22the table?

00:40:24Anything, anything that.

00:40:26Not falling through the table, although, of course, you know, the Sarah Silverman party, I did something not, I mean,

00:40:32worse.

00:40:33Would you, I don't remember.

00:40:34Did you know that.

00:40:34I was there.

00:40:35The last window.

00:40:36Shut up.

00:40:37Yeah.

00:40:37Thanks for ruining the punchline.

00:40:38Oh, I'm sorry.

00:40:39Did you really?

00:40:40That was going to be quite the anecdote, but never mind.

00:40:45You could stretch that thing out.

00:40:47Yeah, we could have worked that into quite the, quite the routine.

00:40:50Wait, what?

00:40:51Yeah.

00:40:51You seemed.

00:40:52Some stuff happened when I walked through a window.

00:40:53There was a book, there was a book that I read when I was young that was called How to

00:40:57Be Funny.

00:40:58Yeah.

00:40:59I should have that.

00:41:00By Steve Allen.

00:41:01Oh, okay.

00:41:02And so the entire book was like Steve Allen talking about how he was at a party one time,

00:41:09and he told this story, and then he would explain why that was so fucking funny.

00:41:16And it was all just him being funny.

00:41:19So then one time he talked about how he was at a roast, and he said he went up there

00:41:24and he did a string of jokes.

00:41:26And then he painstakingly explained why they were funny, and he said it's the opposite of what I said earlier.

00:41:35So then he said his wife, he had a god-awful fucking shrew of a wife that was sisters to

00:41:45Jane Meadows, the great Jane Meadows, I mean the great Audrey Meadows, who was on the Honeywood Awards.

00:41:49And this woman's name was Jane Meadows.

00:41:51And she was famous as Steve Allen's wife.

00:41:57So she gets up there dressed like Mary Antoinette in the story that Steve Allen was telling, and does the

00:42:04roast.

00:42:05And then he explains why that's funny.

00:42:06And he's like, well, that's different than me because it's a character.

00:42:09So you have to understand when she goes, how are you enjoying the cake?

00:42:13Well, see, Mary Antoinette once said this fucking famous thing.

00:42:16You're like, god damn.

00:42:18So then he has a chapter, How Not to be Funny.

00:42:21No, this was the chapter called How Not to be Funny.

00:42:24And she said, you know, he was real funny.

00:42:26His wife was real funny.

00:42:26And then the next person on the desk was Richard Pryor.

00:42:31And he was not funny.

00:42:33And he said, Richard Pryor got up on stage, looked at Jane Meadows, and said, I think she farted.

00:42:42So it's the only funny thing in the whole book.

00:42:49How Not to be Funny by that guy.

00:42:53You were in a play, a little birdie told me.

00:42:58A little birdie.

00:42:59Yeah, a play called The Mentalist.

00:43:01That's right, yeah.

00:43:02What, you know what a mentalist is in real life?

00:43:04It's someone who can sort of do psychic trickery, right?

00:43:07Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

00:43:09Well, no, yes, this wasn't about that.

00:43:10Oh, it wasn't?

00:43:11No, this was about two guys in a hotel room, one of whom has decided he is going to sort

00:43:17of start an alternative society.

00:43:19Wow.

00:43:20And it was a sort of kind of darkly comic, Pinter-esque two-hander.

00:43:24Wow.

00:43:25Yeah.

00:43:26So if it was Pinter-esque, it meant there was a lot of dialogue for you to chew on.

00:43:29A lot of talking, yeah.

00:43:30It took me forever.

00:43:31It took me three and a half months to learn it.

00:43:32I bet that'd be hard.

00:43:33It was brutal.

00:43:33Oh, God.

00:43:34Yeah.

00:43:34And does the fear ever go away that it's all going to be lost?

00:43:36No, and never want to do it again.

00:43:38No, no.

00:43:39Never going to do a play again.

00:43:40Pointless.

00:43:41Doing the same thing every night.

00:43:42It was interminable.

00:43:43I used to resent that the audience had showed up.

00:43:45If you weren't here, we would have to do this.

00:43:48I was angry.

00:43:49And then, of course, people would make noises or, like, during a matinee, fall asleep or

00:43:53fart.

00:43:54And you couldn't comment on it because you weren't allowed to break the rules.

00:43:58So, you know, you...

00:43:58How long was the run?

00:43:59No, I read...

00:44:00Too long.

00:44:01Tony Randall tell the story once he was doing something on Broadway, you know, and a guy

00:44:07in the front row was like...

00:44:09While he was on stage.

00:44:11Yeah.

00:44:12Yeah.

00:44:14It was interminable.

00:44:15And then you'd have things like...

00:44:16Where did you do this?

00:44:16There was also a moment right at the end of the play where you heard a police siren.

00:44:20And that was a very significant part of the play because it meant that the police were

00:44:23coming for my character.

00:44:24Spoiler.

00:44:26But, of course, because it was an old Victorian theatre, you'd just hear real-life police

00:44:30sirens all the way through the play.

00:44:32Yeah.

00:44:33That's hilarious.

00:44:34I should have been able to comment on it, right?

00:44:36Yeah.

00:44:36Because my character should be fearful of that, but couldn't.

00:44:38Couldn't be allowed.

00:44:39So it was just infuriating.

00:44:41Particularly if you've ever done stand-up.

00:44:42Were you surprised by Brexit?

00:44:45I was surprised by Brexit.

00:44:46Thank you for asking.

00:44:47Yes.

00:44:47I was.

00:44:48I wasn't surprised.

00:44:49You saw it coming?

00:44:49Well, here's the thing.

00:44:51Well, you seem to know a lot about England.

00:44:52No, I'd never heard of Brexit.

00:44:55That was my...

00:44:56Right.

00:44:56So I wasn't surprised.

00:44:58Right.

00:44:59Because, you know.

00:45:00Yeah.

00:45:00Do you know?

00:45:01It took me a long time to understand what it stood for.

00:45:04Do you know?

00:45:05Yeah, I know.

00:45:06I don't remember.

00:45:07I whispered to you.

00:45:10I'll whisper it.

00:45:12Good God.

00:45:12I'm whispering.

00:45:13No, all right.

00:45:14I'm listening.

00:45:14I'm trying to listen.

00:45:17Okay.

00:45:18Yeah.

00:45:18That's right.

00:45:19That's what...

00:45:19That's exactly what it was.

00:45:22Tell him what it says.

00:45:23I don't think that's what...

00:45:25Oh, he says British exit.

00:45:26That's...

00:45:27I think that's what it is.

00:45:27Is that it?

00:45:28Oh, okay.

00:45:29Did I have to take that long?

00:45:32God, dude.

00:45:33I'm glad I've done this show.

00:45:34Is this...

00:45:34The European Union?

00:45:35No, I'm glad to be here.

00:45:36Just so you...

00:45:36Oh, thank you.

00:45:37It's great to have you.

00:45:38I appreciate it.

00:45:39You're a...

00:45:40I mean...

00:45:42Wow.

00:45:42You'd be like the top three guests, probably.

00:45:46I would agree.

00:45:47Well, I...

00:45:48Top three guests.

00:45:49We used to quote The Office, like, constantly.

00:45:53And actually, like, we love it.

00:45:55I'm one of these guys that refuse to watch The American Office.

00:45:58Right.

00:45:59I watched the...

00:46:00Pilot.

00:46:01Pilot.

00:46:02And here's where I found the distinct difference.

00:46:05In the pilot of The British Office, they ask...

00:46:10The documentary maker asks David Brent about comedy.

00:46:16And he goes, you know, if I could name three...

00:46:19If you ask me three geniuses, you know, I wouldn't say Newton, Einstein, yeah.

00:46:26I'd say Milligan, Cleese, Sessions.

00:46:29So, anyways, he picked great comics.

00:46:31Then I see the American one.

00:46:32He said Bob Hope.

00:46:34That's what Steve Carell said.

00:46:35Right, right, right.

00:46:35I like Bob Hope.

00:46:36I'm like, yeah.

00:46:37Sure.

00:46:37Why don't you like Bob Hope?

00:46:39It's so much more interesting that a guy with no sense of humor loves good comedy.

00:46:44Right, right, right, right, right.

00:46:45Because that's what I heard in high school all the time.

00:46:47People would just play Monty Python all the time, you know, just recite it.

00:46:51And there's witless idiots.

00:46:53Although I would contend that Bob Hope was a good comedian.

00:46:55Well, he's my favorite comic, but most people...

00:46:59That's funny you would say that, because I thought only I liked him.

00:47:03He actually does love...

00:47:04I love him.

00:47:05I love him.

00:47:05No, he actually does love Bob Hope.

00:47:06In fact, you know what?

00:47:06I found out only recently that he spent some time in my hometown of Bristol, grew up when

00:47:11he was about three or something, before he came to America, in a house not far from where

00:47:16I grew up.

00:47:16And when I found that out, I was blown away.

00:47:18I was just...

00:47:18Oh, sure.

00:47:19What a thrill.

00:47:20I was so excited.

00:47:20I heard a story.

00:47:21Oh, Mark.

00:47:22Oh, never mind.

00:47:23No, I don't want to...

00:47:24It's fine.

00:47:24Did you meet him?

00:47:24No, I saw him on...

00:47:26Barbara Walters was interviewing him.

00:47:28He's not a guy that has his heart on his sleeve, you know what I mean?

00:47:33And she said, I read that when you were young, you were two-story flat, and you were ten children.

00:47:40Three of them died, and you had to go play the old hall, just to survive.

00:47:46And he said, isn't that wild?

00:47:50And then she said, you've been married for 50 years.

00:47:53Like, how do you and Dolores keep the marriage going?

00:47:57He goes, I play golf.

00:47:58We have the dogs.

00:48:02But I like that he was only about comedy.

00:48:05That's what I like about Bob Hope.

00:48:06And also, you can't name a joke of Bob Hope's, because he didn't have any.

00:48:12Like, he would just use bad jokes.

00:48:14Right.

00:48:14But he was brilliant.

00:48:16I liked his film persona, I think, more than his stand-up persona.

00:48:20People have got a greater physical comic.

00:48:22Well, and also, you can clearly see how much Woody Allen stole from him, in terms of the

00:48:25persona, the nervousness, the would-be womanizer being shut down, which I tried to steal shamelessly

00:48:31as well.

00:48:32He just stole it, and then he thought, well, if I say I stole it, that's all right.

00:48:36Right, yeah.

00:48:39I read that Milton Berle, when I was a kid, Milton Berle, when I was going, I'm a thief,

00:48:43you know, he goes, I sit at the back of the club, I like that kid, my hand hurts from

00:48:47writing, you know what I mean?

00:48:48And so, they do these jokes.

00:48:49So, naturally, he thought he wasn't a thief, but it turned out he was.

00:48:52He was.

00:48:52Right, right, right.

00:48:53So, there was his persona.

00:48:54So, other comics must have gone, that motherfucker.

00:48:57Like, his persona is a thief.

00:48:59Did you ever meet one of your comedy heroes, and just were devastatingly disappointed?

00:49:06That's not a loaded question.

00:49:07Well, from the time I met Matlock, I have one story.

00:49:10Yeah.

00:49:10I met Matlock in a bookstore in L.A., and he's reading a big, heavy book, you know.

00:49:17So, I try to get up close.

00:49:19Do you know who Matlock is?

00:49:20He used to be Andy Griffith.

00:49:21He played Matlock.

00:49:23That wasn't his real name, right?

00:49:24Ben Matlock.

00:49:24White suits.

00:49:26Lawyer.

00:49:26He's a big, big lawyer.

00:49:27So, he's reading a book, you know.

00:49:29So, I get, I don't like books that make me sleepy.

00:49:32But...

00:49:32You surprised me.

00:49:33I got close to him, and I pick up a book, you know, because I want him to notice.

00:49:38And I don't know what to say, so I go, holy fuck, I didn't see that shit coming.

00:49:42Something like that, right?

00:49:43And then he turns to me, and I was younger, and he said, it's nice to see a young man

00:49:47who

00:49:48likes literature.

00:49:49And I go, I like literature.

00:49:51I like TV.

00:49:51I like lawyers.

00:49:53You know, I like whites.

00:49:55And then my throat got dry, and my whole being felt like I was somewhere else.

00:50:02I never felt such a feeling.

00:50:04It was not him.

00:50:06Didn't even look like him.

00:50:09And you know what?

00:50:10Yeah.

00:50:11Steven, I'll say this.

00:50:12Not a day goes by, I don't think about that fucking old man, how much I hate his fucking

00:50:16guts.

00:50:16No, I hear you.

00:50:17I hear you.

00:50:18Well, thanks for coming.

00:50:21I don't think we can use that one on the show tonight.

00:50:25You'd be surprised.

00:50:28That's one night when I was on SNL, and the producer's name.

00:50:31The producer's name on SNL was Lorne Michaels, and I was doing a bunch of jokes about Michael

00:50:38Jackson, and he said, Norm, you don't want to get sued by Michael Jackson.

00:50:44And secretly, I did.

00:50:46I didn't tell Lorne.

00:50:48I thought, how fucking cool would that be?

00:50:50I mean, Corden, there's Michael Jackson on the other side.

00:50:52It's Michael Jackson against Norm.

00:50:55That has to help my profile, a huge amount.

00:50:59Well, if anyone wants to sue today, please feel free to sue Norm.

00:51:03He's looking for that.

00:51:05When you go out, the Savile Estate.

00:51:07Yeah.

00:51:10Wait, what about these questions?

00:51:13Do you still remember dialogue from The Mentalist that you could just say right now?

00:51:19No.

00:51:20It's all evaporated.

00:51:21You wouldn't have.

00:51:22I can only remember a couple of portions of anything.

00:51:25I can remember the first bit of The Wind Hover by Gerald Manley Hopkins, which is a poem.

00:51:30Yeah, I know.

00:51:33Even if I did.

00:51:33Well, go on, you do.

00:51:34I don't want to read your show.

00:51:35Even if I didn't know, I would know.

00:51:36Yeah.

00:51:36I remember that, a little portion of that, and I remember a definition of Marxism.

00:51:41Wow.

00:51:42In any given capitalist environment, the proletariat will revolt against our oppression by the bourgeoisie,

00:51:46and after a brief period of socialist rule, emerges a classist society governed by community

00:51:50cooperation.

00:51:50I remember that, which is of no use, nor is The Wind Hover.

00:51:54But I don't remember anything else.

00:51:55I don't remember useful information.

00:51:57Yeah.

00:51:57I don't remember sort of charming.

00:51:59It's funny how you remember poems when you were a child.

00:52:02Do you remember Wilford Hyde White?

00:52:05I think that was an actor.

00:52:07That was an actor, yeah.

00:52:08You're thinking of Wilford Ewing?

00:52:09He always played the old man.

00:52:10That's right, yeah.

00:52:11I was thinking of Wilford Ewing.

00:52:13Yeah.

00:52:13His poems were quite, they always stuck with me.

00:52:18Feel free.

00:52:19Oh, no, I'm not going to.

00:52:19I couldn't do them justice.

00:52:21Sure.

00:52:22You know, the smell of the goddamn, you know, World War I.

00:52:28A man would walk, a man would walk, and there would be mud up to his ankles, and then by

00:52:34God, he'd see a big green-gray fog coming at him.

00:52:37He wouldn't know what it was.

00:52:40And it'd hit him, and he'd take a breath.

00:52:42And by the time his knees hit, he'd be insensate, and by the time his head hit, he'd be dead.

00:52:51But listen, it was better than being in the trenches, where the rats got fat on the corpse

00:52:57that was sitting next to you.

00:52:58Yeah.

00:52:59We got to go to break.

00:53:00But when we come back, we have jokes.

00:53:09We return with Stephen Merchant, and this is the section of the show where we do jokes,

00:53:14because a lot of the people we get on, they don't have natural wit like you.

00:53:21That was a compliment until you started smirking and giggling.

00:53:25It was a compliment.

00:53:26It was a compliment.

00:53:27Sometimes I can't think of the next thing to say.

00:53:30Sure.

00:53:30Go on.

00:53:30You surprised me.

00:53:31No.

00:53:32I don't know why, but a lot of times I'll talk, and halfway through the sentence, I think,

00:53:38something will fucking come.

00:53:39Sure, sure, sure.

00:53:40And sometimes it doesn't.

00:53:41Can I ask you a serious question, because I admire you greatly as a stand-up comedian.

00:53:45How do you work your stand-up comedy out?

00:53:47Do you go up there and just ad lib until something makes sense, like you've just said, until

00:53:50something hits?

00:53:51I don't mean this.

00:53:52I'm not being facetious.

00:53:52I'm genuinely intrigued.

00:53:53Oh, you mean you actually really want to know?

00:53:54Or do you work it out before?

00:53:55I'm always intrigued.

00:53:56I have a fantastic punchline.

00:53:59Oh, you think of a punchline as it were, and then you can work to it.

00:54:01Yeah, I think of a great, great punchline, and then I just wander around.

00:54:04Because I used to do it by rote, you know?

00:54:07Like that fellow there booked me on Letterman.

00:54:11And then you had to do five minutes, so they had to be word for word, you know?

00:54:15Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:54:15But I'm not a good enough comic actor to pretend it's my first time saying it.

00:54:20So instead, I just started yapping, and then I would think, you know, out of, like, desperation,

00:54:27you're funny, kind of, you know what I mean?

00:54:29Right.

00:54:29Because people are looking at you.

00:54:31Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.

00:54:32And then you just think of little jokes, knowing the giant joke is coming.

00:54:36But you've already worked out.

00:54:37Yeah, that's there.

00:54:39Okay, that's in the cat.

00:54:40I'm just circling it like the satellite, the moon is circling this whirling cinder we call Earth.

00:54:49Yeah.

00:54:50Okay, here's a joke.

00:54:52Are you ready?

00:54:54Yeah.

00:54:54Okay, you can just read it.

00:54:55Oh, I read it?

00:54:56Yeah, you can read it right under the camera.

00:54:57That tree right there is.

00:55:00I had an uncle, mean guy.

00:55:02He was a prize fighter.

00:55:03He once broke both his hands in a fight against a washer dryer that he got on The Price is

00:55:07Right.

00:55:07What?

00:55:08Why The Price is Right?

00:55:10He was a prize fighter, and he won it on The Price is Right.

00:55:12He won the prize.

00:55:12A prize fighter.

00:55:14Yeah, and he won the prize, and then he had a fight against it, but he was washer dryer.

00:55:18Goddamn, there's more layers.

00:55:19Let me explain why that's funny.

00:55:23Fucking MC Etcher write that?

00:55:24Here's one.

00:55:25What's that joke say?

00:55:28We were.

00:55:30I like that as a put-down in a club.

00:55:32What did he come up with that?

00:55:33Did MC Etcher come up with that?

00:55:38Here's, uh, here's, uh, what the fuck is his name?

00:55:43It's Adam Eagert.

00:55:43Adam Eagert.

00:55:45It's Eagert.

00:55:46When I, when I was a-

00:55:48Don't ignore him.

00:55:50What happened?

00:55:51He's looking at you.

00:55:52Oh, hey, um, I don't know if you knew this, but when I was a child, my parents told me

00:55:56my

00:55:56uncle was sleeping with the fishes, which at the time I assumed meant he bought a waterbed.

00:56:00Then I found out he had been killed and his body buried at sea.

00:56:04Oh, my God.

00:56:06Oh, my God.

00:56:07Oh, my God.

00:56:07Is that in parentheses?

00:56:09My father, this is all about relatives.

00:56:11My father was recently diagnosed with shingles, which is a terrible sickness that usually only

00:56:17affects roofs.

00:56:21All right.

00:56:22Yeah.

00:56:23But I tell you what does, uh, hurt the elderly.

00:56:27Uh, gypsies.

00:56:28Black gypsies.

00:56:29What?

00:56:29Yeah.

00:56:30They show up.

00:56:31They go up on your roof.

00:56:32They say, we got lots of work to do on the roof.

00:56:34Roof's no good.

00:56:35Old lady says, all right.

00:56:36How long will it be?

00:56:38I don't know.

00:56:39They get up there and they eat their little sandwiches, cut, the, the crust is cut off and

00:56:44it's in a triangle with a toothpick in there and yellow cellophane and red cellophane.

00:56:52Have you got the big punchline you're working towards, or?

00:56:56I think Black Gypsies was the punchline.

00:56:58Hotel Rwanda.

00:56:59Do you remember that?

00:57:00Oh, jeez.

00:57:00Do you remember that movie?

00:57:01Yeah.

00:57:02Well, there's a thing about Hotel Rwanda.

00:57:05I've noticed that Hotel Rwanda has a great score on Rotten Tomatoes, but their Yelp reviews

00:57:10are terrible.

00:57:14Growing up, I had a dog with an eating disorder.

00:57:17He wouldn't eat any of my homework.

00:57:22I'd like to take this moment to say I endorse podiums.

00:57:27That's a product I can stand behind.

00:57:30No, but I will tell you this.

00:57:33I one time worked for Otis Elevator.

00:57:35I don't know if you know who they are.

00:57:36Who?

00:57:37Otis Elevators.

00:57:37They make elevators.

00:57:38Okay.

00:57:38It's a company.

00:57:40And they wanted me to come up with a slogan.

00:57:42I thought I had a great one.

00:57:43Otis Elevators, they never let you down.

00:57:49But what's this say?

00:57:51I don't want to give you bad ones.

00:57:52Oh, this is a pretty good one.

00:57:54I don't know if this is a British expression or not at the end up there.

00:57:57You can peruse through it.

00:58:00Peruse means read fast.

00:58:02I feel like I'm going to offend someone.

00:58:04I don't understand this.

00:58:05No, no, no.

00:58:06Oh, you don't understand it.

00:58:07No, I don't understand the joke.

00:58:08No, it's not insulting to any minorities or anything like that.

00:58:11You sure?

00:58:12Yes, I'm absolutely certain.

00:58:14Who knows at this point?

00:58:15I don't understand why L.A. is struggling to provide better public transportation when my neighbor

00:58:19rich offers free mustache rides every night.

00:58:23That's not a, right?

00:58:24I don't understand.

00:58:25That's a heterosexual man.

00:58:27He has a mustache.

00:58:29Right.

00:58:29And he's inviting ladies to ride on.

00:58:31To sit on his face.

00:58:32Okay.

00:58:33No, it's just.

00:58:34A mustache ride?

00:58:35Is that what it is?

00:58:36Yeah.

00:58:37Free mustache rides.

00:58:38Yeah.

00:58:39So guys will wear t-shirts.

00:58:41Free mustache rides.

00:58:42I wonder why that never made it across the pond.

00:58:44I wonder why that's not a thing there.

00:58:45It's like it got to customs and they went, no, that's not going to work for us.

00:58:49God damn.

00:58:50Can you imagine how you fucking hard you could destroy with that?

00:58:52Yeah, you're right.

00:58:53Yeah.

00:58:58A young Zika mosquito.

00:59:00Oh God.

00:59:01Topical.

00:59:01Torn from today's headlines.

00:59:03Yeah.

00:59:04Went out flying for the first time in his life.

00:59:06When it came back, his father asked, how was it out there?

00:59:08How'd you feel?

00:59:09The young Zika mosquito replied, it was great, daddy.

00:59:11Everyone was clapping for me.

00:59:16The father replied, no one was clapping hands for you.

00:59:20Why, everyone wants to kill you.

00:59:22The more they clapped, the more chances that you were going to die.

00:59:27Lesson.

00:59:28In life, not all the people who celebrate you are well-wishers.

00:59:32Oh, well, that's sort of a little philosophical lesson, didn't it?

00:59:35And I felt like that was an age-old mosquito parable that someone's inserted Zika into to

00:59:41make it seem like this show is up to date.

00:59:43I agree, I agree with you, I agree with you.

00:59:45Here's an interesting one.

00:59:47Adam Egert, who is, by the way, I'll just remind you, he's over here.

00:59:51That's him.

00:59:52It's a joke, an Adam Egert joke.

00:59:54How do you say the name?

00:59:55Adam Egert.

00:59:56Egert.

00:59:57Spelled differently.

00:59:58Like the bird.

01:00:00That's Egert.

01:00:01Do you know what Adam Egert has in common with a guitar player?

01:00:05Adam Egert has in common with a guitar player.

01:00:08Now I don't know.

01:00:09They both love fingering minors.

01:00:11Now, okay, come on now.

01:00:13Come on now.

01:00:16Come on now.

01:00:18Okay.

01:00:19Well, now, I know you're a political fellow, but you have no dog in the hunt in this race.

01:00:25But you don't know, so you just know what you hear.

01:00:30What?

01:00:31Like endorsements.

01:00:32He'll listen to endorsements.

01:00:35It'll all become clear.

01:00:36It's so complicated, this.

01:00:37Hillary has the support of the Orlando terrorist dad.

01:00:40Hillary has the support of the Orlando terrorist dad, as completely.

01:00:43They come out in favor of Hillary.

01:00:44Trump has the support of white supremacist groups.

01:00:47White supremacists.

01:00:47David Duke comes out in favor.

01:00:49I can't decide who I like best until the Zika virus weighs in.

01:00:53What?

01:00:55All these bad people are endorsing both.

01:00:59A lot of Zika virus jokes.

01:01:02It's very much a hot potato topic on Norm's writing stuff.

01:01:06I don't know what that means.

01:01:08No, don't read it.

01:01:08Don't read it.

01:01:09Don't read it.

01:01:11It's there the whole time, man.

01:01:13Playboy magazine has done away with the nude photo layouts altogether.

01:01:17In other words, they've eliminated ladies in the altogether altogether.

01:01:21Oh, man.

01:01:22That's a sort of radio DJ joke, I feel.

01:01:26The way you...

01:01:26You know what I mean?

01:01:27We have to deliver it.

01:01:28Yeah, deliver it in places.

01:01:29In other words, they've eliminated ladies in the altogether altogether.

01:01:32Here's Taylor Swift.

01:01:37Hey, by the way, I've noticed the term adult toy always refers to something you can shove

01:01:43up your asshole and never like a big race car, like for a grown-up.

01:01:47Another good observation.

01:01:48Yeah, there we are.

01:01:51I could sell that to...

01:01:56Do we rip all these from Steve Allen's room?

01:01:59I want to be cremated, and my ashes spread eagle and fucked, fucked hard, like a fucking

01:02:05real tramp.

01:02:06Wow, come on, man.

01:02:07Why didn't they make me say that?

01:02:09Wow.

01:02:10Jesus Christ.

01:02:11You see, somebody writes that.

01:02:12It's not me.

01:02:14It's just some fucker over there in the next room.

01:02:17Yeah.

01:02:18Then I say it, like a goddamn robot, and then people think I thought of it.

01:02:24But I'm clearly, you know, I can't even type.

01:02:28Yeah.

01:02:29You ever read a book?

01:02:30Oh, you read that communist thing?

01:02:33Yeah, I read the Marxist Manifesto.

01:02:35Who was the better man?

01:02:36Okay.

01:02:38Dr. Martin Luther King?

01:02:40Mm-hmm.

01:02:41Stalin.

01:02:45Finally, these are the big questions.

01:02:47Well, I don't want to jump to any conclusions.

01:02:49Again, I don't want to be sued by the estates of either.

01:02:52I'm going to go for MLK.

01:02:54You know history.

01:02:55I don't know history.

01:02:55And I know you're very good friends with David Irving, the author, who he reads constantly.

01:03:03Yeah.

01:03:03I'm not friends with David Irving.

01:03:04Do you know that he, though, is a revisionist?

01:03:07Oh, you're a revisionist?

01:03:08Well, he's a denier, Holocaust now.

01:03:10You've never, but he's never read David Irving because he said he's too smart.

01:03:15And I tell him, well, David Irving would be your biggest ally, you know what I mean, instead of these

01:03:20morons.

01:03:20You knew David Irving instantly when I said it to you as if you were his best friend.

01:03:26But you've studied Irving?

01:03:27I've not studied Irving, no.

01:03:29No.

01:03:29But I'm aware of who he is.

01:03:30Yeah.

01:03:31What do you think about guys like this, though?

01:03:33This guy?

01:03:34Yeah.

01:03:34He seems like a little guy.

01:03:35Comes around.

01:03:35This is his little joke against the poor masses that came out of a chimney.

01:03:42Being from Manchester, this has nothing to do with the Holocaust.

01:03:47I didn't bring up the Holocaust.

01:03:48You did?

01:03:50I love the fact you sort of gleefully said, I didn't bring up the Holocaust.

01:03:53I normally do by mistake, but today, I didn't even bring it up.

01:03:57I don't think Stalin was just as bad.

01:03:59That's what he always says.

01:04:01Stalin was bad.

01:04:02Yeah.

01:04:02But if you're talking about Hitler, why is it first thing Stalin was just as bad?

01:04:07It's not my first thing.

01:04:09First thing, it wasn't just as bad.

01:04:11But anyways, even if he was.

01:04:14Well, we'd have to define what badness is and levels of badness.

01:04:18Are you kidding me?

01:04:20We have to define that.

01:04:23That's what you two are saying.

01:04:25When you found your soulmate, I say Hitler's bad.

01:04:28I don't think you have to define what bad is.

01:04:32You don't have to go through any of these epistolomagical fucking gymnastics

01:04:38to know that Hitler was bad.

01:04:40I've said it before.

01:04:41I'll say it again.

01:04:42I said it before.

01:04:43It was cool to say it.

01:04:46But anyways, you're all, listen, everybody's entitled to their opinion.

01:04:50I say six million.

01:04:51He says 600.

01:04:54You say probably a number in between there somewhere.

01:05:00But if David Irving ever wants to do the show, he's welcome.

01:05:03Good luck to him.

01:05:06I look forward to him reading some of these gags.

01:05:09That's going to be dynamite that bit.

01:05:13So listen, guys, this has been fun, hasn't it?

01:05:15This has been probably good.

01:05:16It's just because it saves me a trip to my senile uncle.

01:05:26I live down the hall from a woman who had Alzheimer's.

01:05:32And her son just stopped visiting her.

01:05:35And she took the notion that I was her son.

01:05:39This was when I was a young man.

01:05:42She took this notion that I was her son.

01:05:44And she had a bleak apartment.

01:05:47And it was empty, usually.

01:05:51And so what I started doing, I would get pictures from the store.

01:05:58They came in, and the picture would come in the frame.

01:06:05And I would put the picture down.

01:06:08And then that would spark something.

01:06:09That woman would go, that must be my son.

01:06:11You see what I mean?

01:06:12And I would just put things all over.

01:06:15And I put a ring one time on her finger.

01:06:18Now, is this supposed to help her?

01:06:20Or you were just playing with her?

01:06:22You were just screwing with her?

01:06:23Both.

01:06:23It was to help her and to entertain myself.

01:06:28And in a way, when you think about it, isn't that what we all do in life?

01:06:35It's a lovely, upbeat message to end on.

01:06:38You know, if you need kicks, find a person with Alzheimer's and fuck with them.

01:06:42For her amusement in yours.

01:06:43It's a lovely message to go out on.

01:06:46Yeah, we can't go out on that.

01:06:48I mean, I think so.

01:06:49Why don't you ask one of your questions that you had?

01:06:52One of your questions.

01:06:55No, because that puts undue pressure on me to end this with something upbeat and positive.

01:07:00I feel like very much is your responsibility.

01:07:03Yeah, I thought that was great.

01:07:05Another missed opportunity.

01:07:08Well, I can tell a joke.

01:07:10Go for it.

01:07:10Yeah, please do.

01:07:11This is what we're looking for.

01:07:12Yeah.

01:07:13There was a fellow, a little boy in school named Dirty Johnny.

01:07:16Now, he's not dirty in this joke.

01:07:19But he'd always said, be a hellion in class, and the teacher didn't think much of him.

01:07:25So the teacher has a project, or not a project, but an in-class thing.

01:07:30How'd that go again?

01:07:33Says, oh, I said, she says, now.

01:07:35Well, this is what you're going to do here, class.

01:07:38I want you to stand up and tell the class a story from your life, and then afterwards

01:07:48say the moral to that story.

01:07:51So a girl puts up her hand, yes, Becky, what's your story?

01:07:55So Becky stands up.

01:07:56She goes, my dad works for the hatchery here in town.

01:08:03And what happens was he got about 15 eggs, and he put them all in one basket, all the

01:08:11same basket.

01:08:13So he put all his eggs in one basket.

01:08:16And he put it on the horse and buggy and drove back home.

01:08:19And by God, Becky says, the bouncing and all the eggs broke.

01:08:27Well, that's a good story, the teacher says.

01:08:29But what would the moral be to that?

01:08:32Becky says, well, the moral is, don't put all your eggs into one basket.

01:08:38But God damn, says the teacher, that's a good one.

01:08:42Anybody else?

01:08:44Marjorie puts up her hand.

01:08:45Marjorie, what's your story?

01:08:46She says, well, my dad works for the hatchery, as most, all of us.

01:08:54Thank God for the hatchery.

01:08:57She says that we'd all be lost.

01:09:01But anyways, my dad knows that eggs become chickens.

01:09:05And so he was counting his chickens, and he added in the eggs, you see.

01:09:14And then he put them on a horse and buggy to go to town, and they all broke.

01:09:19Well, what's the lesson to that?

01:09:20The teacher says she counted it out.

01:09:22And she says, well, don't count your chickens before they hatch out of an egg.

01:09:28So the teacher says, that's a great one, too.

01:09:30Anybody else?

01:09:31Well, wouldn't you know Dirty Johnny has his hand up?

01:09:35So the teacher's like, holy God, I don't want it.

01:09:40But on the other hand, I made an oath to every child, should I suppose I get a...

01:09:49All right, Dirty Johnny, what do you have to say?

01:09:52Johnny stands up.

01:09:55The story's about my Uncle Terry.

01:09:58He never worked at the hatchery.

01:10:00On a county, he was in Vietnam.

01:10:04And he got disability.

01:10:07You don't even like people who work at the hatchery.

01:10:11But the story happened far from these shores.

01:10:17In a little town called Danang.

01:10:21Terry was not well liked.

01:10:24His whole troop left him.

01:10:27Abandoned.

01:10:28And he woke up, and the weeds, and all they left him with was three bottles of Jack Daniels, some

01:10:35weapons.

01:10:37Terry stood up, downed one bottle right away, said, if I'm going out, I'm going out.

01:10:42He took his Belishnikov and a couple of Glocks and his two bottles, and away he went.

01:10:52He found a town.

01:10:54And he didn't know if it was Charlie or if it was one he was sent to protect.

01:11:02But all he knew was he had hate in his gut.

01:11:07So he started firing.

01:11:10And he fired the Kalishnikov with an arcing, kind of, like a farmer would with hay, with a scythe.

01:11:19And sure enough, the men fell like hay before him.

01:11:23And then the women, and by God, I'm ashamed to say it, but then the children.

01:11:30And finally, all was left was Uncle Terry, standing in the mud and the blood and the glory.

01:11:38And he touched his pants, and there was a, it was wet, and he said he was ashamed.

01:11:44He felt shame, Uncle Terry, for he'd pissed himself.

01:11:50Well, he touched it again.

01:11:51It was not urine at all, but ejaculate.

01:11:55And Uncle Terry felt pride where shame once was.

01:12:01And the teacher's like, good Christ, what kind of a story is that?

01:12:06What the hell is the moral to that?

01:12:09Well, he says, when Uncle Terry's been drinking, you don't fuck with him.

01:12:16Now, especially if you work at the henchery, you know, listen, it's been great to have you.

01:12:21I didn't want to end on such a long joke, but I realized once I was in, I couldn't be

01:12:25there.

01:12:25You were, yeah, yeah.

01:12:26But it's been wonderful to see you.

01:12:28Thanks for having me.

01:12:29And we'll look for you.

01:12:31This is Adam Higgins.

01:12:33Adam Higgins.

01:12:34Yeah.

01:12:35Nice to meet you.

01:12:36A great man.

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