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00:03I'm back! Back in New York!
00:08I'm back! Back in New York!
00:13Learn how to drive, you jabroni!
00:15I'll see you at the bottom of the fuckin' Hudson!
00:21It's so great to be back in New York.
00:22Yeah.
00:23Rats! Rats!
00:24I'm back!
00:27Here I am, in this city, with a fistful of dollars.
00:33And baby, you better believe I'm back! Back in New York!
00:40I'm back!
00:41We come bearing gifts.
00:43Oh, wow. I see that.
00:44Hi, pretty.
00:49Oh, look at that. Look at that view.
00:51That's gorgeous.
00:56You know, I can't accept bribes.
00:58Bribes?
00:58I don't see bribes.
00:59Oh, no, this is...
01:00I just have a blood blood sugar.
01:01I want to buy some food.
01:03This is a gift.
01:04Um...
01:06Uh...
01:06Well, I heard that you were, understandably, less than pleased
01:10that I announced I was doing a show at your esteemed venue
01:13before I had actually booked it,
01:15and I just wanted to come in person and apologize and say,
01:17I cannot wait to work together.
01:19You're right.
01:20I was very pissed off.
01:21Because that is not how things work around here.
01:24No.
01:24I-I'm sorry.
01:26And if you would come to me, I would have told you
01:28that I don't think you're right for MSG.
01:30I think you're right for, uh, Radio City.
01:33I think you're right for Webster Hall.
01:35Ha!
01:36I know this bitch didn't just say Webster Hall!
01:38Oh.
01:39Okay.
01:39I can tell you're a whole... deal.
01:42She is.
01:43But we do feel very strongly that the garden is the best venue
01:46for someone of Deborah's stature.
01:47Okay.
01:48The talk show was great.
01:50But you don't have the comps.
01:52You haven't toured in years.
01:54You barely have any social media presence.
01:56It's just...
01:56It's too much of a gamble.
01:58I will sell out.
02:01And even if I don't, what does it matter to you?
02:03I mean, we will front the rental cost.
02:04You'll be off the hook.
02:05It's not just about the money.
02:06If you are playing MSG,
02:08you are the center of cultural conversation.
02:11I mean, our-our venue is a major part
02:13of New York City's history.
02:14We can't just let anyone perform here.
02:16I'm sorry.
02:17Isn't there a live true crime podcast playing tonight?
02:19Murder My Stupid Ass Please
02:21has over 90 million monthly listeners.
02:23It is hosted by two of the most popular people in America.
02:26They swayed the presidential election.
02:29You know, I think you might be underestimating Deborah's fans
02:31because they are rabid.
02:32They abducted me once.
02:34I got free, but I didn't call the cops
02:35because they are so sweet.
02:38My point is, they're enthusiastic,
02:40and these tickets are gonna sell.
02:42I just don't see it.
02:43This won't be just a stand-up show.
02:44This will be historic.
02:46I'm taking down Bob Lipka and his censorship of me
02:49and speaking truth to power.
02:50This is bigger than just me.
02:52I'm sorry, Deborah.
02:54I'm so sorry.
02:56I-I-I should not have wasted your time
02:58with this petty gifting business.
03:02How do two shares of Berkshire Hathaway Class A stocks, huh?
03:05Thank you so much for coming by.
03:07Absolutely.
03:08Thanks.
03:09We'll leave these with your assistant.
03:09Thanks for your time.
03:12Have a nice day, I guess.
03:15That MSG Booker is dumb.
03:17And her leather jacket was stupid.
03:18No, it was a full grain leather and a sophisticated cup.
03:21Fine.
03:22She's rich, cool, and ruining our lives.
03:23Look, we just need to reignite the base.
03:26The Little Debbies would help me with anything.
03:28Do you remember in 93?
03:29They started that hunger strike
03:30so I could get reinstated at the spokesperson for Snackwells?
03:33Or when they crashed the Eileen Fisher website
03:34the day your cashmere duster's dropped?
03:36Yep, exactly.
03:37What about that autograph convention in Vegas you passed on?
03:39The Little Debbies will love that.
03:40You're a genius!
03:42All right, we get my biggest fans together in one place,
03:44I shower them with love and affection,
03:46and then we ask them to organize a grassroots movement
03:49to get me Madison Square Garden!
03:51Yes.
03:51When is it?
03:52Three weeks, the 21st.
03:53That's Ava's birthday.
03:55It's fine.
03:55Are there any other options?
03:56No.
03:57No, no, no.
03:57Honestly, I don't care about my birthday.
03:59I really don't.
04:01You have to at least take the day off.
04:03And hang out with who?
04:05I only have one friend, remember?
04:07What are you talking about?
04:09Remember the last night in Singapore
04:10you said it was weird you were my only friend?
04:13You probably don't remember.
04:14You're pretty drunk, girl.
04:15It's fine.
04:17Don't worry.
04:17I didn't survive growing up in Massachusetts
04:19by letting a drunk person's insults affect me.
04:22Seriously.
04:22You should do it.
04:23So should I book it or?
04:25Yeah.
04:26Yeah.
04:27Here, Jimmy.
04:27Get the shot.
04:33Perfect!
04:34What?
04:34That's what we've been waiting for?
04:36Yeah.
04:36For content.
04:37God!
04:37I need to chill.
04:38She wanted content.
04:40I'm a trim for my baby
04:43Been searching for a long, long time
04:46I got to find my baby
04:50Got to get this feeling off my mind
04:54Need to hurt us all the way
04:57Good morning, my favorite ladies and Damien.
05:00So we've talked to the organizers, slipped him a hundo
05:02And guess what?
05:03They moved Heather Locklear to the other side of the building
05:05Good.
05:06She stole my exact shade of blonde in 98
05:08And look, I know you want to be out by 3
05:09So I'm going to talk to Billy Baldwin
05:11And see if he'll give you his time slot in the photo studio
05:13Perfect, yeah. I don't want to be here too late.
05:14Okay.
05:15I'm going to head to the table.
05:16Alright. See you over there.
05:18And you
05:20Happy birthday, birthday girl
05:22Tickling you
05:23Oh, thanks
05:24I know we normally get you a gift
05:25But we are a little low on funds this year
05:26I'm sorry about that
05:27Don't even worry about it
05:28Oh my god, I finished your mall girl script last night
05:30Ava
05:31It is so good
05:33Oh
05:33Yeah, I laughed, I cried
05:34It's like, it's emotional and cinematic
05:36It's really special and I can't wait to send it around
05:38Oh my god, amazing, thank you
05:40I'm proud of you
05:41Oh
05:42Coffee birthday girl
05:44Wow, this is a really fancy tray
05:45Had it custom made
05:47Heaters built in
05:48USB charging
05:50Patent
05:50Pending
05:51You're really good assistant
05:52You know
05:53In Hollywood
05:54It's not about good or bad
05:55It's about power
05:57Nice watch
06:03Oh honey, I would love to sign this
06:05But I can't legally
06:06I love you guys
06:11They are
06:12They're probably thumbing at the mouth
06:14Hey, my little devies
06:19Hey, my little devies
06:22Hi
06:26Hello
06:28Oh, wow
06:29The DV industry Swiss army knife
06:31It's got it all
06:32It's got the tweezers
06:33It's got the brow spoolie
06:35And come on
06:36Who could ask for more than that?
06:38Very rare item
06:39Very rare item
06:39Actually, it's widely available on the internet
06:41Which you'd know if you were still active on the DV message boards
06:44Um, how would you like me to...
06:46Just your name, please
06:47Okay
06:53It's great to see you
06:56Hey, how's it going?
06:58Oddly icy
06:59Well, I just met the actor who gave Dawson a blowjob on the boat in season 3
07:03So I'm feeling starstruck and amazing
07:05One autograph
07:06Hi there
07:07Hi
07:08Hi
07:09Oh, hey
07:09Sorry, I think the line starts back there
07:12Oh, no
07:12I'm actually here for you
07:14I am a huge fan
07:17Of...of me?
07:18Yeah
07:18I was obsessed with Girltown
07:20And you always wrote the best episodes
07:21Oh, my God
07:23I left college for that job
07:24I know
07:26And then I followed you on Twitter
07:28Even now, I'll just randomly look up your old tweets sometimes
07:30Oh, no, don't do that
07:32Anyway, then I saw my bad because I heard that you'd worked on it
07:36Yeah
07:37I'd never even seen Debra before
07:39I mean, it's kind of crazy how you've changed the whole trajectory of her career
07:44She's mad lucky to have you
07:46I wish you said that a little louder, but thank you
07:48Will you sign your Times Magazine cover?
07:53I...
07:53Yes, I've never signed anything for anyone before
07:57Wow, this is amazing
07:59I really now understand why parasocial relationships are replacing real ones
08:04But seriously, thank you for all that you contribute to society
08:09Any time
08:14I'll catch you around
08:15Yeah, I'll be around all day
08:16Cooley
08:18Cooley
08:20Cooley
08:20I can't tell you
08:21Sorry, hey
08:23Please, it's on me, thank you
08:25Thanks, thanks for coming
08:27Take care
08:27Oh, Ezekiel
08:28Nice to see a familiar face
08:30What can I sign for you?
08:31I've actually signed something for you
08:33It's my resignation letter
08:34As president of the Debra Vance fan club Southwest branch
08:37Is he you?
08:39You've been a pillar of the Little Debbie community for years
08:41I heard that Kathy Griffin is looking for an infusion into her base
08:44So I am taking my talents elsewhere
08:47Okay, okay, what... what is going on?
08:49What is the problem?
08:51The problem is that you went Hollywood
08:54I did not go Hollywood
08:55Yes, you did
08:56You haven't sent out Debra's do's and don'ts in almost two years
08:59I don't know what to do and what not to do
09:01Sometimes I just sit in the dark
09:03Yeah, you discontinued your car insurance plan
09:07And now I'm uninsured
09:09Oh, honey, you gotta have insurance
09:11And you discontinued your Debra Vance red light mask
09:14I liked the burns
09:15It eventually turned to tan
09:16You won't have me
09:18You're a lizard
09:21Hey, get into a single file line
09:23Or you will be tased
09:25Do not fuck with me
09:30You should address the lizard thing
09:32To gaining traction
09:35Who's next?
09:37And you really don't mind switching with Debra?
09:38Oh, no, no, no, not at all
09:39That ranch you did against Lipka?
09:41Gold
09:42Legend
09:43Guy's a friggin' animal
09:44Tell me about it
09:45Plus she always invites me to her 4th of July party
09:47I never go
09:48But, uh, the invite's always nice
09:50Well, you're gonna be on the list forever, ma'am
09:52We appreciate you
09:53Never too big, Jimmy
09:55Never too big
09:55My man, alright
09:58Okay, now that's a guy I could be friends with
09:59I love him
10:00Exactly what I like to hear from you, boss
10:02Because I do not want to see you fall prey to the male loneliness epidemic
10:05No
10:06I know, it's terrible, ma'am
10:07Uncle Maury shot himself in the head
10:09It's Rene O'Connor
10:10Of course
10:11Who's that?
10:12From Xena, Warrior Princess
10:13The show
10:13The show on the WB
10:15Oh, TV show
10:16Yeah
10:16I haven't made it to TV yet
10:17I'm still making it through all the movies
10:20She's Xena
10:21No, that's Gabrielle
10:22That's Xena's battle partner, her confidant
10:24She's a traveling bard
10:25Well, you gotta go say hi
10:26Hell no, I would be so nervous
10:28I would faint
10:29No, I couldn't
10:30I mean, I've seen every episode multiple times
10:31I even still have a recurring dream
10:33That I'm helping Xena save Prometheus
10:34So that humans don't lose their capacity for healing and fire
10:36Jimmy, you're meeting her
10:38You'll regret it if you don't
10:39Come on
10:40You think?
10:40I know so
10:42Okay
10:42Okay
10:43God, I wish I had a beta blocker
10:44Alright, let's go
10:45Woo!
10:47So, are you working on anything else other than writing for Debra?
10:50Yeah
10:51Yeah, I actually just wrote a movie about a girl who lives at the mall
10:54Oh, such a good idea
10:55Got my tickets, I am so russat
10:58You are so sweet
10:59Shit, wait, this is just occurring to me
11:02Are you gonna have to leave Debra?
11:03No, no
11:04I mean, especially not after what she did for me at late night
11:07Mmm
11:10So, what's your, like, dream?
11:13You know, I've always wanted to create my own show
11:16I was voted, uh, most likely to show run my high school yearbook
11:20I mean, I did create the superlative, but still
11:22I really hope this isn't weird that I know this, but, um, it's your birthday today, right?
11:27Yeah
11:28Yes, it is
11:29And you're turning 30, right?
11:32Yeah
11:33Poof, pretty big milestone
11:35Are you, like, freaking out about where you're at in your life?
11:38No, not, I mean, no, not really
11:40I don't think
11:41Should I? No
11:42No, I'm not
11:43Well, I'd love to get you something for your birthday
11:46Like a cupcake or...
11:48You don't have to
11:49But if they have chocolate cake, I'd take chocolate icing
11:52Or if they have vanilla cake, I still would want chocolate icing
11:55But if funfetti's in the mix, of course, I'd have
11:57They just have corn muffins
11:58Perfect
12:00It's your day
12:02Why are you performing only at Madison Square Garden and up Portsmouth, New Hampshire?
12:06I mean, we're important, too
12:07We built a revolutionary war fleet
12:09And we so appreciate that
12:11You stopped doing your annual Christmas conference call
12:13Now how are we supposed to sync up on microthing?
12:15You never published another book of Debokus
12:18And the regular Sudokus are just too hard
12:21I'm mad you left QVC
12:22And I'm mad you didn't leave QVC earlier
12:26Work it out
12:27I miss Marcus
12:28Damien never sends us locks of your hair
12:32You didn't endorse a candidate in the presidential election, so I didn't vote
12:37And now my kids won't talk to me
12:39I sent you two suspicious packages and didn't even receive a cease and desist letter
12:43You used to care
12:44Okay, that's it
12:45I need a break
12:45Ten-minute break
12:49These people are impossible to please
12:52I mean, my fans seem to think I owe them every single moment of my life
12:55Think of it this way
12:56Today, you are being paid to be LDAP
12:58For some people, that's a kink
13:03Oh, yeah, this is classic Abby, yeah
13:05Oh, she looks the exact same
13:07Did you know it was actually the fans that saw Xena as a guest character on Hercules?
13:11And they were so enthusiastic that they actually helped get the spin-off series made
13:14Grassroots movements are always so inspiring
13:17That is until they turn bloodthirsty
13:19Next!
13:20Here we go, here we go
13:21We paid?
13:22Hi, I'm Renee
13:23I'm Renee, I'm your Renee
13:24No, I'm Renee
13:25You're Renee
13:26I'm Renee
13:26I'm Jimmy
13:27You're Jimmy, okay
13:28I am so starstruck, I'm so sorry
13:29This is weird because, um, so, okay
13:31I'm a manager in L.A.
13:32So I never get starstruck
13:33But I think that you are such a talent
13:35And the series meant so much to me
13:37I was so lucky to be a part of that world
13:39Have you ever thought about doing a rewatch podcast?
13:42You know, they're really big right now
13:42Where you go through old episodes and discuss them
13:44I don't think enough people want to hear me talk about that
13:46Girl, shut up!
13:48We love the show, we've watched it all
13:50People would love that content, like the Hope storyline, you know?
13:53When did you realize your daughter was going to be evil?
13:55Was it from the beginning or did it slowly dawn on you?
13:57Well, her father was a wicked demigod, so it kind of tipped it off for me
14:00Right
14:01Mysteriously impregnated at a demon ritual? I was like, that's going to come back
14:04Yeah, it did
14:04Yeah
14:05Do you mind if we get a photo?
14:07Of course
14:08I'm sorry, I'm sweating
14:09Okay
14:09Okay
14:12Ah, smile big!
14:14Bigger!
14:15Ah, cuties!
14:16Not that big, not that big
14:17Split the difference, split the difference
14:18You have to just start over and get all new fans
14:20I mean, there are people born every day, right?
14:22I gotta tell you, I mean, as someone who just got their first fan
14:25You really need to cherish these men
14:26It's been 12 minutes and I said 10
14:28Oh!
14:29Okay, hey, just try to keep it together, right?
14:32No promises
14:36Hello, how can I do better for you?
14:39Oh no, I just wanted to say thank you
14:43Oh, you're welcome, for what?
14:45Well, my mom and I have been, like, huge fans of yours ever since Live Free or Diet
14:51Wow
14:51And we came to Vegas and we saw you at the Palmetto
14:54Yeah
14:54And then we were, like, literally quoting your jokes for 10 hours the entire car ride home
15:00It was, like, the best weekend
15:02I'm so glad, thank you
15:04Anyway, we made you something to say thank you
15:10It's you, Barry, and Kara
15:13Wow
15:14And we made this completely out of natural seeds and grains
15:1829 types
15:19We were sorting yellow peas for an entire winter just to nail your light honey blonde
15:26It's gotten a little warped because we made it three years ago
15:29But you haven't been to any of these so we couldn't get it to you
15:32But here you go
15:36That's beautiful, that's beautiful
15:40Is your mom here so I can thank her?
15:42Oh, no
15:44She passed
15:46In May
15:48I'm, I'm so sorry, honey
15:50Thank you
15:51She would be so happy that I was finally able to get this to you
15:54She really loved you
15:58Thank you
16:00Thank you
16:07I
16:08I need a minute
16:12It's okay, Damien, it's okay
16:31Oh, yeah, been there, it's Carpal Tunnel, you need one of these, no, it's not that, it's...
16:40It's...
16:41Ah, fan art's so ugly, it moves you to tears
16:45Something like that
16:46I once had a guy paint a portrait of me using a stamp pad and his anus
16:53It's framed in my bathroom
16:55No, it's not that it's ugly, I mean...
16:58It's just that this...
17:00This woman and her mother spent months of their lives making this
17:07Oh, yeah, but so what?
17:09They love doing it, they support us, we show up for them
17:13That's the frickin' deal, Mama
17:15Well, that's the thing
17:18I haven't been showing up for them
17:20And...
17:21They're very mad at me for it
17:23They'll forgive you
17:26I don't deserve it
17:28I just came here to exploit them, because I need their help
17:34Well, just tell them what you need
17:37They want to feel like they're in a relationship with you
17:39And that you need them more than anyone else
17:42And it sounds like you might
17:44The truth will set you free, baby doll
17:48That's all they want
17:54That and a t-shirt that only some people are allowed to get
18:14Little Debbie's
18:18I have news
18:20Madison Square Garden won't give me a date
18:22Because they say I'm not big enough to play it
18:25So I came here to get you to rally for me
18:31Which is unfair
18:35Because you're right
18:37I have neglected you
18:41And I am so sorry
18:43Hold on, they're saying you're not big enough to play MSG
18:47Fuck that
18:48The Garden would be lucky to have you
18:50Yeah
18:51Thank you
18:52Well, in time I hope that I can regain your trust
18:55They don't get to tell you what you can and can't do
18:58That's our job
18:59You're the greatest comedian of all time
19:02Yes
19:03So the Knicks can play MSG but not Deborah Vance?
19:07Misogynistic bullshit
19:08I don't care if you are a lizard
19:10You deserve to play MSG
19:13As president of the Little Debbie's Tucson chapter, this will not stand
19:17Wait, sorry, sorry
19:19I thought you were my fan
19:21What are you talking about? That's Cindy
19:22She's the third generation Little Debbie
19:24That's right, I'm here for Deborah
19:26I just wanted to replace you and write for her, you stupid bitch
19:30Oh my god
19:32So you didn't like any of my tweets?
19:34They're not jokes, they're thought poems
19:37Okay
19:38Deborah, who do we talk to about this?
19:41Amanda Weinberg at MSG-Entertainment.com
19:461, Madison Square Garden Plaza, Suite 3H
19:51Deborah, we will get you that motherfucking venue, that's a promise
19:55You know what, if you can do that, I'm making the tickets $20 so you all can come
20:01And, you know what, I'm bringing back Deborah Plus
20:04And you know what else?
20:06This year's Christmas theme is fuchsia and cherry, the 1997 Redux!
20:18It's good actually, I didn't think it would be but the macchiato...
20:21It made me sick
20:21Jimmy
20:22Jimmy
20:22The macchiato is really good for me
20:23Jimmy, Jimmy!
20:24Oh, Renee, hey
20:26You know, I want to thank you for your advice
20:28I reached out to Lucy and she loves the Xena Rewatch podcast idea
20:32Lucy Lawless knows my idea?
20:34Yeah
20:34Well, you know, it's really nice to talk about business with someone who is familiar with my work
20:38I've never had a rep pitch me any ideas, much less actually watch the whole show
20:42What?
20:43People are insane, people are sick, people are sick, I don't get that
20:45Sick people, piece of shit
20:47I'm sure your roster is crowded, but would you ever consider representing me?
20:53Us?
20:53Yes!
20:54Absolutely!
20:55Alright, well then, I mean, I probably should give you 10% of what I made today
21:00No, no, no, that's not necessary, but thank you
21:01Are you okay with hundreds?
21:03Yes!
21:05Love them
21:05We are
21:06I will take those, thank you
21:07Wow
21:07Thank you, we can use the money
21:08Okay, well this was amazing, consider yourself a client of Shae from Lusac
21:12Yeah, let me put you on an email with Lucy and I next week
21:15When you're back in LA, we'll take you to dinner
21:16You like Greek?
21:17I love Greek
21:18I don't need octopus though, anymore
21:20They're too intelligent
21:21That's right
21:21What?
21:26What?
21:26Eric Estrada looked amazing
21:28Oh my god
21:35What?
21:36Surprise!
21:37This is crazy
21:38We love you girl
21:40Thank you
21:42Aw
21:42Happy birthday, love
21:44Oh
21:45Happy birthday honey
21:48Look who's here
21:49Oh wow
21:50Hi!
21:51Hi!
21:52Penny Regan!
21:53It's May!
21:53Yup!
21:54Hey, how are ya?
21:55Nice to see ya!
21:56Hi!
21:57It's so nice to see you.
21:58It's been forever.
21:59Eighth grade graduation.
22:00How could I forget?
22:01Yeah, when Debra called, I told her how inseparable you two were, and how it would mean the world
22:06to you to be together on your 30th.
22:07So here we all are!
22:09Absolutely!
22:09Yup!
22:10Yup!
22:10How are you?
22:11Amazing.
22:12Yeah.
22:13I married Greg Holland.
22:15And then, ma'am?
22:16Um, he ran through a glass door, his cousin drowned in the quarry.
22:20Oh, yes, Greg.
22:21He used to put girls in his hockey bag.
22:22Him!
22:23Anyway, we have four kids under six.
22:25Whoa!
22:25Yup!
22:26Yup!
22:26All natural.
22:27Good for you!
22:28Anyway, needless to say, I am thrilled to be here.
22:30Yeah, I bet.
22:31I should tell you, Mr. Mercer just died.
22:33Oh, that's so sad.
22:34No, it's not.
22:35He was a pedophile.
22:36Convicted.
22:36Multiple times over.
22:39Let's party!
22:40Come on!
22:42Oh!
22:42Oh!
22:45Oh!
22:45Oh!
22:45Oh, my God!
22:46And we got just a few of your favorite things.
22:49The entire Jack and Box menu.
22:52A cranberry kombucha.
22:54Oh, yes.
22:54Cupcakes from a queer bakery.
22:56Oh!
22:56And, of course!
22:57Oh, my God!
22:58Bertucci's rolls and Pompocino pop-a-melts!
23:01I had them flown in this morning.
23:02I missed these rolls.
23:08The spray cleans the screen while the brush wipes the crumbs from the keyboard.
23:14Thank you so much.
23:15Please use it.
23:16I will.
23:16Sorry.
23:17Ladies and gentlemen, we have one last surprise.
23:21Please give a warm welcome to Jesse McCartney.
23:27Yes, bitch!
23:31This one goes out to the most special girl in the world.
23:34You know who you are?
23:35It's me.
23:37Happy birthday.
23:38I've heard about this in my middle school journal.
23:40It's coming true.
23:41I know.
23:42I read your journals.
23:43That's why he's here.
23:47I don't want another pretty face.
23:50I don't want just anyone to hold.
23:53I don't want my love to go to waste.
23:55I want you and your beautiful soul.
24:00Yeah.
24:04I know that you are something special.
24:10And to you, I'd be always faithful.
24:15And I want to be what you always needed.
24:20Then I hope you see the heart in me.
24:24I don't want another pretty face.
24:27I don't want just anyone to hold.
24:30I don't want my love to go to waste.
24:32I want you and your beautiful soul.
24:38Okay, I'm sleeping in late tomorrow.
24:40You can bowl your own cantaloupe.
24:43Good night.
24:44Good night.
24:44Well, you know what?
24:45I'm going to say good night now, too.
24:47I have a 4.15 a.m. flight to Papeete
24:49to see my boyfriend in the senior world windsurfing competition.
24:52I'm sorry, you have a boyfriend?
24:54Well, I emailed you about him.
24:55I emailed her.
24:56No, I don't think you did.
24:58Well, I'm seeing someone, Ava,
24:59and it's become physical.
25:01The first since your father.
25:02Well, depends what you count.
25:04Oh, God.
25:05Well, I love you.
25:07Okay.
25:07Bye.
25:08Good night.
25:08Good night.
25:09Good night.
25:10Bye.
25:10Awesome.
25:13Wow.
25:14Oh, my God.
25:15That was a successful party.
25:17Yeah.
25:18Had so many friends who showed up for you.
25:21And that Jenny, you know, the one who drank vodka
25:24out of one of my really nice wine glasses?
25:27Yes.
25:27Jenny Regan, the girl I only befriended
25:30so that I could play with her hermit crabs,
25:31and then she stopped being my friend
25:33when she got her period before me.
25:36Oh.
25:37A friend's a friend.
25:38Yeah.
25:39And you got a lot of them here.
25:46Deborah, did you only throw me at this party
25:47because you feel bad about what you said
25:49on the boat in Singapore?
25:50No.
25:52I mean, it's your birthday.
25:54You deserve a party.
25:55A birthday party.
25:56Wow.
25:57You ever heard one of those?
25:58Guilt looks good on you.
26:00Deborah, you don't have to feel guilty about that.
26:03You're not wrong.
26:06You are my only friend.
26:09What hurt me was that you said it was weird
26:11because I don't think it is.
26:15You know, I think you're the reason
26:16that I haven't been there for the Little Debbies.
26:21You know, I used to spend so much time with my fans,
26:23but it wasn't for them.
26:26It was for me.
26:29I mean, they were my friends.
26:32Because I never really had any.
26:35Yes, you did.
26:36You had friends.
26:37You've always had friends.
26:38You have tons of friends.
26:39You know, I was popular.
26:43I never had a best friend.
26:49Well, I mean, you know, my sister,
26:52you know, we know how that went.
26:55So I just relied more and more on the Little Debbies,
26:58and it was as much for me as it was for them.
27:04But then I met you.
27:09And I didn't need them so much anymore.
27:12Well, it makes sense.
27:15I'm your number one fan.
27:19Hey!
27:20Oh, oh, oh.
27:21Oh, you've got 50 minutes left on your birthday.
27:24What do you want to do?
27:26Hmm.
27:28Oh!
27:33That's my new phone background.
27:35Ooh!
27:35Someone's smoking the Cheech.
27:37Hey, you!
27:38You're still here.
27:39Oh, yeah.
27:41I just fucked Jesse McCartney.
27:43What?
27:44You cheated on Greg?
27:46Okay, you don't know our arrangement.
27:48Wow, okay.
27:49Are you open?
27:50No.
27:51Hey, you mind if I, uh, rinse off in your swimming pool?
27:54I don't like a UTI.
27:55Sure.
27:56Wonderful.
27:59Wow, a lot of salt and pepper shakers.
28:01You think you got enough?
28:03Sorry about that.
28:04Oh, here.
28:05Try this.
28:08What is it?
28:09It's my pumpkin yogurt bread batter.
28:11I want to include a fat-free recipe in my newsletter tomorrow.
28:15Mmm.
28:15Because my little Debbies are going to need all the energy they can get.
28:20Absolutely.
28:21I was going to say get out of my head because when he, when he took me all set.
28:30Katie's remains were never recovered from that Greek.
28:33Atticus!
28:35Put your shoes on, honey.
28:36This episode of Murder My Stupid Ass Please is sponsored by Dev for MSG.
28:40Go to change.org today and add your name to the petition.
28:42Amanda.
28:51Oh, good.
28:52This is all for you.
28:53What?
28:56Oh, my God.
28:57They found my home address.
28:59Oh, my God.
28:59No, I, I, I don't want anything to do with this.
29:02Return to sender.
29:03Except for the old Navy.
29:04Oh, yeah.
29:05I got three other bands.
29:07I am being stuck and harassed.
29:09Return to sender.
29:10Gracias!
29:11Oh, my God.
29:11I feel so angry.
29:13Oh, my God.
29:17We're lost in music.
29:20Hello?
29:21Have you ever seen.
29:23Who's there?
29:23People is everything.
29:25We'll still go with them.
29:27They're kids!
29:28They're kids!
29:29They're kids!
29:29They're kids!
29:31They're kids!
29:31They're kids!
29:32They're kids!
29:33They're kids!
29:33They're kids!
29:33They're kids!
29:34They're kids!
29:37I understand many of you have been waiting for me to speak on this.
29:41So, hear me now.
29:43I am not a lizard.
29:46And I know that is something a lizard would say.
29:49However...
29:50That was really, really believable, though.
29:51Yeah?
29:52Thanks.
29:53Loved it.
29:53Hello?
29:54The harassment has got to stop.
29:57Still don't think it's a good idea, but I'm giving you a date at the garden.
30:01Oh, okay.
30:03Wow.
30:03That's fantastic.
30:05What?
30:05Yeah, great.
30:06Thanks, Amanda.
30:06We'll talk real soon.
30:11We're going to MSG!
30:12Yes!
30:14One!
30:15September 11th.
30:179-11.
30:17It was the only date available.
30:19Great!
30:21Ah!
30:21Here we go!
30:23Ow!
30:23That hurt!
30:24God, it's like high-fiving the hole!
30:26Oh, my God!
30:26You're sick!
30:31Looked your heart and now you're gone.
30:34Missed you, the love I did to you.
30:38I never thought I'd say today, you'd get your coat and walk away.
30:46Come back home.
30:49Darling, please, come back home.
30:54Girl, I know I treated you wrong, but baby, please, come back home.
31:01I hope my begging you were killed.
31:05The pain within I made you feel.
31:08Once was blind, but now I see.
31:12Girl, how much it means to me.
31:15Oh, baby, come back home.
31:19Darling, please, come back home.
31:22Cause I can't stand it, I just can't stand it.
31:27Come back home.
31:30Ooh, please, come back home.
31:36Baby, please, oh, baby.
31:39Baby, please, come back home.
31:43Girl, I never treated you wrong.
31:47Please, come back home.
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