Norm Macdonald Live S02E12 Norm Macdonald with Guest Martin Mull DD 2 monkee

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00:00:07I mean, it's tough, Norm, you know, the old man's been, he's been in a coma for about two weeks

00:00:17now,

00:00:19and every day I go in and it's just the same, same story. I don't think, I don't think he's

00:00:26going to pull through and I keep hoping and praying some chance that he's going to get better

00:00:31and pull through. And it looks, it looks like we're finally going to have to just pull the plug,

00:00:40you know, he's, he's my old man. It's just, it's tough, you know, it's, it's really tough.

00:00:54You got any fours?

00:01:00No fish.

00:01:02Damn, I can't catch a break.

00:01:15Got any twos?

00:01:17Oh my God, this must be a luckier day.

00:01:22Ah.

00:01:27Ah.

00:01:38Tonight, the full hour of comedy legend, Martin Mull. He starred in Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman,

00:01:44Fernwood Tonight and America Tonight alongside Fred Willard. He was also Roseanne Conner's boss

00:01:51in Roseanne. He played Gene Parmesan in Arrested Development. All right. So.

00:01:58That'll do it.

00:01:58Um, my trusty side, Cagat Amiga, who you have met is in the throes of a panic attack at the

00:02:03moment.

00:02:04Oh, did you, did you have a bag to breathe in?

00:02:07Uh, no, no.

00:02:08I had a bag of Xanax.

00:02:10That'll do it.

00:02:12Yeah.

00:02:13Yeah.

00:02:13So he might get sleepy.

00:02:16Where do you first remember Martin Mull from?

00:02:19Uh, I mean, that's a really good question. I, um, Josh, I, I couldn't answer that either.

00:02:24I used, uh, I can't remember the first time there.

00:02:27That would be almost impossible for you.

00:02:29Yeah.

00:02:30Yeah, that's tough.

00:02:31Okay, I forget.

00:02:32No, probably from Roseanne. Probably from Roseanne.

00:02:34See, I remember from way before that.

00:02:36Because when I was, uh, a teenager, there were two comics that I loved. Steve Martin and

00:02:42you. And you guys seemed to be the cutting edge, the new comedy. And, uh, I saw you.

00:02:49We toured together.

00:02:49You toured? You toured together?

00:02:50We did the Steve Martin Mull show on the road.

00:02:52Oh, my God. That must have been amazing.

00:02:55And, uh.

00:02:55But I saw you alone.

00:02:57Yeah.

00:02:57I saw you in Toronto.

00:02:58Yeah, well, sometimes he wouldn't show up.

00:02:59Yeah.

00:03:00No.

00:03:01And you'd sit in a big comfy chair.

00:03:02Yeah.

00:03:03Where'd you get that idea?

00:03:04Um, the comfy chair came from the fact that when I was in college, I was, uh, I didn't

00:03:09have the proverbial pot to piss in. I had no money. So, well, like everybody else during

00:03:14the folk music scare of the 60s, you know, I started playing music. And, uh, I was in

00:03:19these rock and roll bands set up, you know, the way they used to, the Beatles

00:03:22used to set up with the amps about 30 yards apart, you know, across the stage. It was

00:03:26supposed to make you look magnificent or something. And it was noise and it was awful and it wasn't

00:03:31anything. And then I went home at night and maybe with a little help from some plants or

00:03:35something like that, I would sit around my pals, you know, and sit in the furniture and

00:03:39just play. And that was music. And I thought, I got it. The catalyst here is furniture.

00:03:45And so from then on, I, uh, when I went out on my own, I took literally my living room

00:03:50furniture with me.

00:03:51So it wasn't in your rider. You would take a little bit later on when I was working out

00:03:55of town, uh, it became in the rider. You had to go to the Salvation Army, find an easy

00:03:58chair, an end table, that kind of thing.

00:04:01Yeah. So were you a serious folk musician at one point?

00:04:05Well, that's an oxymoron if you ask me. But, uh, no. In fact, I, I, I, I hated the whole

00:04:11folk movement.

00:04:12Oh, you did?

00:04:12Yeah. I actually had a song once called Stop the War or I Won't Stop Singing, which was

00:04:19my little tribute to folk music.

00:04:22Do you think that Bob Dylan, uh, hated folk music?

00:04:28I don't know. I was not, I, I'm one of these rare people that.

00:04:33You're not a Dylan fan.

00:04:34I was one quoted in Rolling Stone, and I guess I'll stick by it by saying that his lyrics were

00:04:39the equivalent of throwing a thesaurus out the window of a moving car.

00:04:44So it's almost a trick.

00:04:46Yeah. And I, I was not a fan.

00:04:49Yeah. What about, what about you?

00:04:50What about the folk musicians that were doing not as good as you, but like John Prine or

00:04:56guys?

00:04:57John Prine I liked. I liked Prine. Stevie Goodman I liked. Um, Phil Oaks.

00:05:01Uh, Phil Oaks. Um, wasn't a huge fan of his. Bonnie Raitts was a pal.

00:05:06Oh, yeah.

00:05:07Yeah. But that gets more into the blues and, in R&B.

00:05:10Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that was more where I, what I liked to play.

00:05:13And my favorite, and we have it apparently, but my favorite memory when I was young of you

00:05:18was, uh, you know, they've done it so much since, like they did Lazy Sunday on Saturday

00:05:24Night Live at Digital Shore, where it was white guys, uh, doing rap. Uh-huh. And I remember

00:05:29you doing white man's blues. Yes.

00:05:34And we have it on the screen. Oh, my God. On the ukulele?

00:05:37That's what they say.

00:05:39I woke up this afternoon. I saw old cars were gone. I woke up this afternoon, old mom. I saw

00:05:56old cars were gone. I threw my drink across the lawn. There it is. There it is. I threw my

00:06:17drink across the lawn. That's a great, great line. Thank you. Thank you. It was, uh, it was

00:06:24supposed to be learning the blues on the deltas of Lake Erie.

00:06:28What were you using to? Well, I claimed that that part of my show, we'll call it a show

00:06:32for now, um, that I learned this when I was very, very young. So I had to get my original

00:06:37guitar, my original, uh, slide bottle. That's why it was a baby bottle. And, um, I used to

00:06:44actually take it on the road and I, and. You're almost using it as a steel guitar kind of.

00:06:48Yes, exactly. And I wanted to look like it had milk in it. So you can't carry milk on the

00:06:52road. It gets bad. And so I did, I put powdered sugar in it. And one time coming through an

00:06:57airport, some guy found this thing and just, I was, I missed that flight, but it was, it

00:07:04wasn't like, you look like Jeff Foxworthy. I know I look like a young, young hippie.

00:07:11So, but how does that happen? How did that happen? So there was you and Steve Martin, you

00:07:15guys were the Kings of comedy at that specific moment. His reputation preceded him when I

00:07:22first met him. And this is kind of amusing to me. And isn't that really what's important?

00:07:26Yeah. Uh, the first time I met him, we were playing at a place called the Great Southeast

00:07:30Music Hall in Atlanta. And, uh, yeah, it was kind of a dump. But at any rate, um, so I'm

00:07:37going

00:07:37back to the dressing room and there's a very narrow hallway and Steve is sitting out there

00:07:41tuning his banjo. And I didn't know what to say to him. I, for some reason, I was absolutely

00:07:46tongue tied because his reputation had preceded him. I'd seen him on the Smothers Brothers and

00:07:49so on. So, so I just said nothing and just walked about five or six paces past him. And

00:07:54I hear, Oh, pretty good. How are you? And it made me laugh so hard. And we became great

00:08:01friends and still are to this day. Oh, you are? Oh yeah. God damn. That's cool. I wish I was

00:08:07friends with somebody. You got to work at it. I know. I, I, I went to Martin Short. Uh

00:08:13huh. And I said, how about me? And you become friends. Yeah. And he agreed to it. Marty did?

00:08:18Yeah. And then he said, you know, I have a place, I have a cottage in Ontario. We can go

00:08:23there. Yeah. But I never, I can't, I can never get out of my apartment and stuff. It's tough.

00:08:28Yeah. It's hard. But I, I find he would be a fantastic friend. Marty's very funny. Just make

00:08:32you laugh all the time, right? Very smart. Yeah. Gosh. And then, cause one time I was

00:08:38at, they have this comedy festival. If you've ever. Just for laughs? Yeah. It was an Aspen.

00:08:43It was an Aspen. Oh, an Aspen. I met your friend. Uh, what's his name? Norman Lear.

00:08:49Norman. Yeah. What an insufferable guy. So he comes out, this is, so he comes out, he's coming

00:08:56out of this theater and I go, Hey, uh, uh, Mr. Lear, I was wanting to say all in the

00:09:00family.

00:09:00I loved all in the family and Mary Hart, Mary Hart was great. And he's like, uh, well, what

00:09:04about, uh, where's my car? That's what he said to me. Where's my car? So I go, no, I'm

00:09:10in show business also, but also even if I wasn't, what the fuck? Why don't you say thanks?

00:09:14Well, I thought where's my car was the show he had done. That's what I got. Like, uh, my

00:09:19mother, the car was a spinoff. He did a show that I saw. He thought you were the valet?

00:09:22Yeah. He did a show I saw once. It was, uh, uh, on YouTube and everybody was a dog dressed

00:09:30up as a dog. Okay. And it was, no, he's a, he's a great guy. High concept. Yeah. It's

00:09:35very high concept, but he's, he's a great, he's all right. Yeah. He's 90 something now.

00:09:42Is he really? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And his wife writes a magazine. His ex-wife.

00:09:49Yeah. Oh, is it, are they split up? Well, his first wife writes a magazine. I don't know

00:09:54if it's new. I don't know. Yeah. I don't read magazines. Just such an, he's

00:09:58I don't read anything. I find him a deeply uninteresting man.

00:10:01Really? Wow. He's always been very kind to me. But I know that, yes, he'd put you on

00:10:07everything. Yeah, he sure did. Now, which makes him not only uninteresting, but tasteless.

00:10:12No. He has an eye for Conor. My God, without, uh, without Carol O'Connor, you know, how

00:10:19would that have worked? Yeah. But, um, um, on the other hand, all the family I found didn't

00:10:27work because my dad was racist and loved all the family. Uh huh. And I think, uh, that Archie

00:10:32Bunker was a much more likable character than Meathead. And if you just watch that show from

00:10:37a neutral position, you can take Archie's side. Absolutely. Absolutely. He made sense.

00:10:41It was a failure. Yeah. He failed. But he didn't fail with Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman.

00:10:46That was an insanely good show. That was awfully good. Yeah. My God. I remember watching that.

00:10:52I was like, I thought I was the only guy watching and some, like, people use that word surreal

00:10:57all the time, but it did seem surreal. Well, I was on the road doing my little live act and

00:11:02I came home once and I had heard about that show and I turned on the TV and just in

00:11:06time,

00:11:06the first thing I saw was grandpa Larkin, the old guy come in the kitchen. He says,

00:11:11where's the peanut butter? And the first place he looked was in the frigging dryer. And I thought,

00:11:17good, they're dealing with, you know, Alzheimer's and so forth. I liked this show. So I mean,

00:11:23I had some contacts. So I went and met Norman Lear and wanted to be a writer on the show.

00:11:28And we

00:11:28talked for about an hour and he said, oh, it's been nice meeting you. Interesting. But we don't need

00:11:33any writers. That was it. And then like six months later, I got a call to come in to read

00:11:38for something. And I thought, read actor. I'd never acted in anything except for my draft physical.

00:11:44That was it, you know. And I went in and lo and behold, I got the damn thing. It was

00:11:51really fun.

00:11:51It's funny how much luck plays in shows. So much luck. Absolutely.

00:11:57Like when people ask how to, you can't just go get lucky. No. People say, well, what's the,

00:12:00what's the key? You know, just be frigging lucky. Yeah. Absolutely.

00:12:05It's funny because I had a similar experience, but opposite kind of Roseanne saw me. It's

00:12:10always like, you know, but anyway, she liked me and she said, you want to be an actor on the

00:12:16show, Roseanne, Roseanne show. She said, you can be Jackie's boyfriend. And I said, I can't

00:12:22act. I don't know how to act. I should have said I knew how to act. But I said, I

00:12:26don't

00:12:26know how to act. So she said, well, why don't you write? And I'm like, she's like, you got

00:12:30jokes. You wrote those, right? And I'm like, yeah. So then I wrote. And then I was like,

00:12:36holy God, like going from standup to a sitcom. When you're a writer, you go, oh, this whole

00:12:46fucking script is going to bomb. That's it. Cause the jokes are so weak compared to the,

00:12:52what a joke has to be on stage in front of a paying audience. Well, what I found was I

00:12:56did a stint as a writer to myself and a gal named Max Lapidus. I don't know if you

00:13:00know. Maxine Lapidus. Yeah. She and I wrote an episode and I thought this thing was just as

00:13:04clean. You could eat off this puppy. This was so good all the way through.

00:13:08And we went into the, we finally brought it in, sit down in the meeting. There's like

00:13:1126 writers sitting there. They went, okay, page one, act one.

00:13:16First line, Roseanne says, hi, honey. Anybody beat it?

00:13:18Oh yeah, they all sort of beat it. And they went through and I don't think

00:13:21there was anything left that we had written. Yeah. Nothing. I just thought, jeez,

00:13:25I quit writing. But in the old days, you'd see like, I don't know, but you'd see

00:13:31the Lucy show or whatever. You'd see one guy's name or one guy. Actually, I think there's

00:13:35a woman. One name on those shows or Sherwood Schwartz. Yeah. That's right. I don't know.

00:13:43I hate collaboration. Really? Well, you're an artist. Painter. Painter. Yeah. You would

00:13:50not, is that what you used to call it? Painter? I'm a painter. Okay. So you would not collaborate

00:13:56on a painting. Ever. Ever. I don't even want anybody else in the room. Yeah. No.

00:14:00Don't even visit. It would be ridiculous. Yeah. You could take, if you took the five

00:14:03greatest painters in the world and asked them to collaborate, wouldn't the thing be a mess?

00:14:07It would be the old adage of a camel is a horse put together by a committee.

00:14:12Absolutely. Yeah, exactly. Right. Right. Absolutely. It'd be horrible.

00:14:16Now, stand up obviously is a vulgar art, especially to you as an actual artist. But when you talk about

00:14:23your

00:14:23little show, it was a big, big show. Like you were a big, big stand up comedian.

00:14:29I guess. I don't know. It's just so long. I worked all the time. Yeah. If that's the definition. Yeah.

00:14:35Yeah. And then people started showing up and then I quit. I said, no, no.

00:14:40You mean the audience. They were in on it. Yeah. No. I don't know.

00:14:44I mean, you know, like Steve Martin reached a point where everybody was in.

00:14:47Yeah, I think that's what happened with Steve. They're shouting out punchlines before, you know,

00:14:51an hour before he's there. And what's the point? Right. And I don't know what made me good.

00:14:55I think I just got tired of the holiday inns and the airports and the running around.

00:15:00Yeah. And it was really hard to keep the drinking going and get all that done.

00:15:04You know, so it'd be much easier to stay home with the bottle.

00:15:07You haven't drank in how many years?

00:15:10About 25, 26. Maybe more, 27. I don't know.

00:15:14And what about you? A couple days. Yeah. A couple days.

00:15:17He goes on the wagon. Yeah. Yeah. Then he falls off. Then he, I don't, I don't drink.

00:15:23I don't know anything about this stuff. But he goes back to, hey, and then they're like, hey, it's all

00:15:27right.

00:15:27Like, I thought they'd be mad at him. Yeah. Well, I think you're mad enough at yourself.

00:15:32I'm sure. Yeah, but I would feel like if I was a guy that didn't get to drink and then

00:15:37you came in.

00:15:37If I got drunk, I would be mad. I don't know. Whatever.

00:15:41I was at one point. I had a little gambling problem.

00:15:48Did you really? So I went to Gamblers Anonymous.

00:15:51G.A. What a bunch of losers.

00:15:53Yeah. But you were, weren't you telling me a story just before?

00:15:59Because we put you up at the Ramada Inn for the show. Uh-huh. Yeah.

00:16:03And weren't you telling me you had a thing where you were lying in the bed completely naked?

00:16:08No.

00:16:09And the maid walked?

00:16:11No, I think you had somebody from the Allman Brothers in here.

00:16:14The maid? No. It was not me.

00:16:15No, you said that you were in bed.

00:16:18Oh.

00:16:18The maid walked in and you were completely.

00:16:21Oh.

00:16:22You told me this a minute ago.

00:16:24Yeah.

00:16:24At the Ramada where the Ramada Inn.

00:16:26Yeah, just laying there stark naked in the bed and the maid came in.

00:16:28Yeah.

00:16:29Finally.

00:16:31That's a Fred, that's a Fred Willard joke. It's Fred's joke.

00:16:36That's Fred Willard.

00:16:37Fred is great.

00:16:38Fred, working with Fred is like following somebody who refuses to use their turn signals.

00:16:44Through traffic.

00:16:45Yeah.

00:16:45When we first met, did you just know instantly?

00:16:47Like, was there just an immediate connection?

00:16:49Did it take some time to build?

00:16:50Yeah.

00:16:51Yeah.

00:16:51We met on day one, a little rehearsal of Fernwood Tonight and it was scripted and our timings

00:16:58were there and so forth and so on.

00:17:00It was just great.

00:17:02And then later on, what happened was, and as a writer, you'll appreciate that as a one-time

00:17:07writer.

00:17:10The, Norman thought it was a talk show, you know, and Merv Griffin did one in an hour.

00:17:16Johnny did one in an hour.

00:17:18So we can do two a day.

00:17:19Good God.

00:17:20But it's going to be scripted.

00:17:21We'll do ten a week of these things.

00:17:23But the writers had to write literally ten half-hour comedies a week.

00:17:27And you can't.

00:17:28No.

00:17:29So there was one show where we were about two minutes short and Norman said,

00:17:32is there anything you guys could just talk about?

00:17:34It doesn't have to be terribly funny and just stay in character.

00:17:37And Fred and I huddle a little bit.

00:17:38And he said, yeah, sure.

00:17:39And as I recall, and this could be apocryphal.

00:17:42It could just be the fact that I'm old and I don't remember right.

00:17:45But I think we were about 18 minutes over when we finally finished.

00:17:51And they liked what we did enough that from then on an awful lot of that was bullet points.

00:17:55Yeah.

00:17:56Just bullet point things.

00:17:57You're going to get your next guest is Norm MacDonald.

00:18:00He claims that he was abducted by a spacecraft this past week.

00:18:04But he said none of the women were attractive enough to really make him want to stay.

00:18:08That's all we'd have to know.

00:18:10And we would end up doing an eight-minute hunk with you.

00:18:12Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:18:13And Fred was just the best at that.

00:18:16Yeah.

00:18:16You know, everybody says the word unique too many times.

00:18:19But Fred Willard, I can't, like, find an influence in him.

00:18:26You know what I mean?

00:18:28And then when you talk to him off stage, he's such an unassuming, meat person.

00:18:33Yeah.

00:18:33You go, does he realize how funny he is?

00:18:36Yeah, I think he does.

00:18:37He must.

00:18:37I think he does.

00:18:38And in a way, I think he's, his influences are not from the business.

00:18:44His influences are from people walking the street that he's probably listened to.

00:18:48So, therefore, you can't say, you know, like, he just keeps his ears open.

00:18:52Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:18:52And, but he really is one of the kind.

00:18:54Like an actual actor.

00:18:56Like a human.

00:18:57Yeah.

00:18:59Do we have to take a break, Annie?

00:19:01We do?

00:19:01We'll take a break.

00:19:02Is there a sponsor?

00:19:03Oh, yeah, yeah.

00:19:04Who sponsors you?

00:19:05I don't know.

00:19:06What is it, Snow Tires or Depends?

00:19:09Is it Depends?

00:19:11No.

00:19:11Oh.

00:19:12I'm only, I'm only, I'm only two score and ten.

00:19:15Oh, okay.

00:19:16Yeah.

00:19:17I don't worry.

00:19:18Instead of saying 50, I like to say two score and ten, because I, I make, it sounds like

00:19:23more like I'm Abraham Lincoln.

00:19:24Yeah, it does.

00:19:28All right, we'll be back in a moment with more.

00:19:30We have so much to talk about.

00:19:31You'll be older than two score and ten by the time we're back.

00:19:33That's right.

00:19:38Okay, we're back with Martin Mull, and we're still trying to trace exactly his influence

00:19:45on comedy.

00:19:47Because I'm trying to get a, I'm trying to get a grip on who is around.

00:19:51Because it was you, I remember Gary Mule here, but he was kind of a lesser level.

00:19:55But it was you and Steve Martin, and who are your other peers?

00:19:59Because you were not standard.

00:20:02My, if I had to say a real, like, steal from influence.

00:20:09Yeah.

00:20:09I would have to go to Bob and Ray, George Goebel.

00:20:14George Goebel?

00:20:15And Jack Benny, I loved.

00:20:18Uh-huh.

00:20:19But the dry and under.

00:20:21Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:20:22You know.

00:20:23See, I loved Bob Hope more than Jack Benny.

00:20:25Really?

00:20:26Yeah, you liked Bob Hope.

00:20:27I mean, not the old Bob Hope.

00:20:29But, but...

00:20:30The dead one?

00:20:31No, the young one.

00:20:32Dead Bob Hope.

00:20:33Not the one from the, you know, where he'd have the running backs come out and do jokes.

00:20:37Oh, yeah.

00:20:38When I just stood there.

00:20:39Ernie Davis.

00:20:40Yeah.

00:20:41But no, younger.

00:20:43When he was around.

00:20:44I liked the, the, that he would play the coward.

00:20:47That's what I liked.

00:20:48And I liked those movies with Bing.

00:20:51The road twos?

00:20:52Yeah, because it seemed like they were just kidding around.

00:20:54Yeah.

00:20:54Like they weren't, they weren't really serious.

00:20:57Yeah, those were enjoyable.

00:20:57Or Dean Martin was the same way.

00:20:59Mm-hmm.

00:20:59Like he just seemed like a guy that was having fun.

00:21:01Just having fun.

00:21:02Yeah.

00:21:03I can see that.

00:21:03That appealed to me.

00:21:04I guess he's kind of unprofessional.

00:21:06When you were a kid, who'd you like?

00:21:08There wasn't Bob.

00:21:08Well, just who I named.

00:21:10Bob and Ray when you were a kid.

00:21:10Bob and Ray and Goebel and Jack Benny and Buster Keaton.

00:21:14Oh God, yeah.

00:21:15He was pretty funny.

00:21:16We were talking in an earlier episode about how a lot of physical comedy translates well

00:21:20and holds up.

00:21:21But, but written comedy, spoken word, a lot of comedy doesn't hold up.

00:21:24Doesn't seem to me.

00:21:25But Bob and Ray, I think it would definitely be an exception.

00:21:27But Bob and Ray, it's not just jokes.

00:21:30No.

00:21:30You know what?

00:21:31Where do you draw the line?

00:21:32Between written and physical.

00:21:35Well, I think, you know, like.

00:21:36Well, like what about, what about Groucho Marx jokes?

00:21:39They don't seem too funny to me.

00:21:41No.

00:21:41I don't know.

00:21:42And I watch you bet.

00:21:43So you'd be more physical.

00:21:44I watch you bet your life and he just seems to be struggling to find anything.

00:21:49You're hosting a game show, for God's sake.

00:21:51How much fun can that be?

00:21:52No, I can't.

00:21:53Exactly.

00:21:53And I'm sure the writers, obviously writers wrote.

00:21:56Yeah.

00:21:57And I'm sure also anything funny that was said during that era was attributed to him.

00:22:02You know what I mean?

00:22:03Probably.

00:22:03Yeah.

00:22:04Could be S.J. Perlman or something.

00:22:06Actual writer, you know.

00:22:08Exactly.

00:22:08But I don't think, I don't know.

00:22:11I never got the Marx Brothers.

00:22:12I mean, I understand that for that period it must have been complete anarchy.

00:22:16Were you a Laurel and Hardy fan?

00:22:18I love Laurel and Hardy.

00:22:19Yeah.

00:22:20But my favorite was Buster Keaton.

00:22:23Buster Keaton was unbelievable.

00:22:24Because he did, he had a hilarious face.

00:22:27It was like the funniest face I've ever seen.

00:22:29I like Jacques Tati as well.

00:22:31Oh, good lord.

00:22:31I don't know.

00:22:32He was the French.

00:22:33Mr. Hulo's Holiday.

00:22:34Yeah.

00:22:34That was great.

00:22:35But I've heard since he was too smart.

00:22:37I like W.C. Fields.

00:22:39I always meant to see that, but I never did.

00:22:42I should see that though, Jacques Tati.

00:22:44Yeah.

00:22:45I remember this one, Buster Keaton.

00:22:48It was just funny because it was like one joke.

00:22:50It was only like a five minute reel or whatever.

00:22:52But he was with a girl, you know, and he loved this girl, you know.

00:22:56And he was trying to get to the girl, but the cops were all chasing with him.

00:23:00More and more cops.

00:23:00You know those old sound films where all of a sudden there'd be a thousand people?

00:23:04Right.

00:23:04A few sound films, yeah.

00:23:05Yeah.

00:23:06And so he kept running and running to get to the girl.

00:23:08And more and more cops kept coming and he, you know.

00:23:11Right.

00:23:12And so he finally gets to where the girl is and he opens the door and he closes it.

00:23:15And then the cops are like pushing at the door.

00:23:17And he looks over and the girl is kissing another guy.

00:23:20Oh.

00:23:20So he opens the door and the cops just go.

00:23:24Violent.

00:23:25That's great.

00:23:26But he, I don't know if he wrote those, but.

00:23:29I don't either.

00:23:29I have no idea.

00:23:31But I'm sure he must have written the physical, like the house falling down and the window.

00:23:36He at least directed it.

00:23:37Yeah, yeah.

00:23:38Exactly.

00:23:38And do you know who they paired him with at the end of his career?

00:23:42Jane Fonda?

00:23:45Jimmy Durante.

00:23:46Oh, jeez.

00:23:47Isn't that sad?

00:23:47That's great.

00:23:48Mrs. Calabash.

00:23:50Yeah.

00:23:51Because they didn't think he was, I guess, funny enough.

00:23:55Now, this is a joke.

00:23:56Okay.

00:23:57Okay.

00:23:58Now, when I was a young boy, I would get the cartoons.

00:24:02Okay.

00:24:02The Sunday Funnies.

00:24:04Sure.

00:24:04And I'd read them, you know?

00:24:05Because I always like laughing at them.

00:24:07Dundee.

00:24:08Yeah.

00:24:09And Maggie and Jake.

00:24:12The better half.

00:24:13Yeah.

00:24:14So I would read them.

00:24:14And then there was one I didn't get.

00:24:16It would drive me crazy.

00:24:17And I'd take it to my dad and go, what does this mean?

00:24:19And he goes, oh, God damn if I know.

00:24:21And who cares?

00:24:22You know, that kind of attitude.

00:24:23Yeah.

00:24:23And nobody cared that the joke was in deciphering.

00:24:27He couldn't figure out the joke.

00:24:28And it made me mad.

00:24:29I know it was supposed to be a joke.

00:24:31But anyway.

00:24:31So this is a joke I heard George Burns tell when I was a young boy.

00:24:36Okay?

00:24:37So I'm going to tell it to you.

00:24:38Okay.

00:24:39And you tell me what the fuck this joke means.

00:24:41Okay.

00:24:43He goes, I don't tell jokes.

00:24:44I tell anecdotes and Lila.

00:24:45He just says a bunch of stuff first.

00:24:47He goes, there was a great actor and his name was Wilton Lackey.

00:24:50He was a Broadway actor and every summer he would play about eight weeks of vaudeville.

00:24:54And he was a tremendous act like John Barrymore.

00:24:57And he played Cincinnati.

00:24:59And the Cincinnati was on the bill with a little act called Browns and Williams.

00:25:04And they were a skating act.

00:25:06And when they saw Wilton Lackey, why they were flabbergasted, they never thought that

00:25:11they would ever play on the bill with Lackey.

00:25:14And anyways, you rehearse at about 11 o'clock in the morning and then you do your show in

00:25:18the afternoon.

00:25:19In a rehearsal, Lackey went into the bar to have a drink.

00:25:22And Brown and Williams went into the bar to have a drink and they see Lackey.

00:25:27And they were so thrilled.

00:25:28They went over and they said, Mr. Lackey, it's a pleasure for us to be on the bill with

00:25:33you.

00:25:34And he says, thank you boys.

00:25:36And Brown said, we'd deem it a pleasure if we could buy you a drink, sir.

00:25:40And Lackey said, thanks fellas, but I'd rather drink alone.

00:25:43I just got a wire saying I lost my mother.

00:25:47And Brown said, we know just the way you feel.

00:25:50Our trunk is missing.

00:25:54Oh, you get it.

00:25:56Why am I so fucking stupid?

00:26:01They're, how do you know?

00:26:02Are you laughing that I, are you laughing because it's no good?

00:26:06I think it's funny.

00:26:07We know exactly how you feel because mom just died and they're comparing it to them losing

00:26:12their trunk.

00:26:13Unless I'm mistaken.

00:26:14Which reminds me actually of one of my favorite jokes, if you'll remember.

00:26:17Yeah.

00:26:17There was a guy who was sitting watching TV.

00:26:21He's an older fellow and his wife is older and all of a sudden she's turned kind of blue

00:26:25and she's stiff and he thinks, oh my God, Joyce has had her stroke.

00:26:29So he rushes her to the hospital.

00:26:31He takes her in.

00:26:33Immediately they take her right through the swinging doors into the ER.

00:26:37And he's out there just, oh my God, you know, for an hour, two hours, three hours.

00:26:41Finally the doctor comes out and said, Johnson?

00:26:43He said, yeah.

00:26:44He said, Joyce is your, yes.

00:26:46He said, well, she's had a stroke.

00:26:48And he said, yes, that's what I thought.

00:26:50And he said, and I just want to tell you, it's a big one.

00:26:54He said, you're probably going to have to, she won't be able to speak.

00:26:57So you'll have to probably learn sign language.

00:27:00And she's also deaf.

00:27:01So that will help there too.

00:27:03And as part of the speaking is being able to literally move her mouth.

00:27:06So in order to feed her, you'll have to place food in her mouth, move her jaw up and down

00:27:10and get her some exercise in the jaw that way that she can actually eat.

00:27:14And while you're doing that, it'd be a good time to roar over and start rubbing off

00:27:18because of the bed sores that are going to come in.

00:27:20And there's going to be, with that form of eating, there's always digestive problems.

00:27:24So you're going to be cleaning up a lot.

00:27:25And the guy's sitting there like this, really?

00:27:28And he goes, nah, I'm just kidding you.

00:27:29She's dead.

00:27:32So to me, that's, that's in the same pocket as, as the joke you just told.

00:27:37And it has to do with how nurturing men are.

00:27:46Snorted there.

00:27:49I've never heard of that joke.

00:27:53Okay.

00:27:54How come you never hosted Saturday Night Live?

00:27:58That would be right at the exact time you were at the, there's a word called Zeitgeist, isn't there?

00:28:03Zenith, I think is the word.

00:28:05You're at the zenith of your career.

00:28:08Well, when Nor, when Lauren put Saturday Night Live together, initially, with Aykroyd and Belushi

00:28:16and Gilda and everything like that, my name was in the hopper.

00:28:19Oh, for a cast member.

00:28:21And I was supposedly a decent enough guitar player that his thought was, aha, Martin,

00:28:30you can be a band leader.

00:28:33You could be in the band or something like that.

00:28:36Sure.

00:28:36And most of the time you'll play with the band and then maybe now and then we'll put you

00:28:39in a sketch or something.

00:28:40So, as I recall, I went to the first rehearsal and there were these monster players in the

00:28:47band.

00:28:48Just, I remember sitting next to Howard Johnson, the tuba and horn player.

00:28:53And they fold out these sheets of music and I don't read music.

00:29:00And I look at this thing.

00:29:01All I know is it looks like, you know, there were rat races across this thing.

00:29:04I don't know, with ink on their little paws.

00:29:06And I had no idea what anything was.

00:29:08And I basically had to bow out.

00:29:11I said, I can't possibly do this.

00:29:13I can't even fake it, even with thread strings.

00:29:16So it's somebody else's playing.

00:29:18It looks like there was just no way to do it.

00:29:21And when I walked away, there was nothing ever asked again since.

00:29:24Wow.

00:29:25Never, never went back.

00:29:27I remember after that feeling very dejected.

00:29:29And John and I went downstairs to the bar and I did what I did know how to do.

00:29:34Yeah.

00:29:35Wow.

00:29:35Yeah.

00:29:36And so then you never hosted because of that.

00:29:38I don't know if that had anything to do with it.

00:29:40Probably.

00:29:41Or just not enough of a name to host it.

00:29:45I think you're a big name.

00:29:46Yeah, I could see some of the names.

00:29:47Now, I would like to do that thread.

00:29:50I didn't know if it was such a thing.

00:29:51But as you said it, I've always dreamed of, there's a thing where you're playing but there's no music coming

00:29:56out.

00:29:57Yeah.

00:29:57It's called a thread.

00:29:58Air guitar or whatever.

00:29:59Oh no, that one.

00:30:00You can do it with an electric guitar to stop plugged in.

00:30:03Yeah.

00:30:03That would be fun.

00:30:05That would be a lot of fun.

00:30:06So you'd join them.

00:30:07Yeah, you'd look good.

00:30:07You'd just go up and join the band.

00:30:09I could see you doing that.

00:30:09You could see that.

00:30:11You did that for him, for your special.

00:30:13The intro of your stand-up special.

00:30:15I did.

00:30:16Didn't you?

00:30:18Oh, no, I lip sync.

00:30:20Yes, I lip sync.

00:30:21What do you look like?

00:30:22I lip sync.

00:30:22I listen to Outlaw Country.

00:30:26Really?

00:30:26I listen to bluegrass mostly.

00:30:28Oh, bluegrass.

00:30:29Fantastic.

00:30:29I love it.

00:30:29That's what I'm trying to learn to play that stuff.

00:30:31And it's very, very hard.

00:30:32So then Flatt and Scruggs.

00:30:35Got to play with Earl Scruggs once.

00:30:37No, no, no, you didn't.

00:30:38Yeah, I went to Steve Martin had Earl Scruggs over for dinner.

00:30:41And he called me up and said,

00:30:42Would you like to come over and have dinner?

00:30:44I said, sure.

00:30:45And I do that fairly often.

00:30:47And he said, Earl Scruggs is here.

00:30:49And after dinner, out came the banjos.

00:30:51And I actually got to play guitar behind Earl Scruggs.

00:30:53And how old was he?

00:30:54The next day, I called.

00:30:55He was 82 at the time.

00:30:56I called Steve.

00:30:57I said, thank you so much.

00:30:58I said, how many guys get to say that I played with Earl Scruggs?

00:31:02Good God.

00:31:02And Steve said, hundreds.

00:31:05I was baffled.

00:31:06Just going through the list of...

00:31:07You just had him at his dinner every night?

00:31:10It's true.

00:31:10Just hundreds.

00:31:13Reading through the list of some of the people.

00:31:14Steve Martin has a specific way of saying an actual true fact.

00:31:19Yeah.

00:31:19That makes it fun.

00:31:20I don't know how to explain it.

00:31:21Exactly.

00:31:22Reading through the list of some of the people you open up for.

00:31:24Like Randy Newman in his prime.

00:31:26Yeah.

00:31:26Sandy Denny, one of my favorite vocalists.

00:31:28Frank Zappa.

00:31:29Yeah.

00:31:29Bruce Springsteen.

00:31:30Bruce Springsteen.

00:31:31You know, somebody showed me a poster.

00:31:34One of the writers on Dad's, an ill-fated television show on Fox, sent me this poster.

00:31:42It said, Martin Mull.

00:31:44It said, Bruce Springsteen.

00:31:46My name is Martin Mull.

00:31:48And he asked me when it was.

00:31:50I don't remember it.

00:31:51It said 74.

00:31:53I do know that.

00:31:54Well, there's a real good chance I don't remember that.

00:31:55Was he maybe not...

00:31:56When did he get big?

00:31:58Oh, not till Born to Run, which I think was the following year.

00:32:01He was a sort of cult guy for a while.

00:32:02Maybe it was just a local little thing or something, but I don't remember that at all.

00:32:07I think he'd remember that, you know?

00:32:09Like, did you ever open for the Beatles?

00:32:10Geez, I don't remember.

00:32:12You know?

00:32:12You know that.

00:32:13Well, 74, yeah.

00:32:13He hadn't...

00:32:14Okay.

00:32:15That would explain it.

00:32:16Because I thought it was maybe just, you know, just clobbering myself on a nightly basis,

00:32:21and I just didn't...

00:32:23You're 71 years old.

00:32:25Not quite.

00:32:25In August, I'm 71.

00:32:27So you're 71.

00:32:29That's great.

00:32:29Because I was thinking, you know, in comedy, like, you know, the guys...

00:32:32There's only a couple of guys I can think of that stayed funny.

00:32:36Like, and to me, the top guy is Tony Randall.

00:32:38Like...

00:32:39He's funny.

00:32:39He'd go on Letterman and he'd be 88 or something.

00:32:42And still know how to do it.

00:32:44But meanwhile, Dick Van Dyke, who I don't know if he was ever funny, but he's a doctor

00:32:49or something.

00:32:49Carl Reiner could be funny.

00:32:51Oh, yeah.

00:32:51Carl Reiner was sitting right here last week.

00:32:53And he was sharp as a tech.

00:32:54He's like 91 or 2, isn't he?

00:32:56Oh, yeah.

00:32:57Yeah.

00:32:57You know what he called this guy?

00:32:58Oh, yeah.

00:32:59Ed McBoy.

00:33:02It's really stuck.

00:33:04That's pretty good for a 92 year old.

00:33:05It's accurate.

00:33:06Oh, my God.

00:33:07It applies on a number of levels.

00:33:09It sounds like an X-rated gay movie.

00:33:13Well, you know what?

00:33:14He's in a lot of...

00:33:15You know what?

00:33:15He likes the cuckold videos.

00:33:18The cuckold videos.

00:33:20Tell him about the cuckold videos.

00:33:21What are the cuckold videos?

00:33:22Cuckold videos.

00:33:25It's a sub-genre of pornography where a gentleman who is married is shamed by his wife.

00:33:34His wife goes and beds usually an African-American gentleman who's well more endowed than he is

00:33:41and is shamed.

00:33:43He is forced to watch his wife...

00:33:45His wife will taunt him.

00:33:47Taunt him while...

00:33:47If you were man enough.

00:33:51Yeah.

00:33:52I need to...

00:33:53I need to...

00:33:54So the husband basically has dinner and a show.

00:33:57That's good.

00:33:58Yeah.

00:33:59And then he's in the corner just really shaming.

00:34:01A lot of that and this and...

00:34:03That's what he likes.

00:34:05Huh?

00:34:06Huh?

00:34:07Sounds real family fare.

00:34:09Oh, yeah.

00:34:10It's funny.

00:34:11I saw you in a movie called Cereal because I was such a big fan.

00:34:14I went to see it.

00:34:15And I liked that.

00:34:15That was great.

00:34:16Not many people saw it.

00:34:17But yeah, that was amazing.

00:34:18And it was a guy who I became friendly with also who I find hilarious was in that movie.

00:34:23Bill Macy.

00:34:24Bill Macy.

00:34:25God, I think he's...

00:34:26Like my best friend.

00:34:27Tommy Smothers.

00:34:28Just talks at full volume all the time.

00:34:31Yeah.

00:34:31Right?

00:34:32Oh, and Tommy Smothers...

00:34:34Is he a good friend of yours?

00:34:35Yeah.

00:34:36Tommy Smothers, I feel, is one of the most under, like, appreciated...

00:34:41Because he's had such a great comic persona.

00:34:43Yeah.

00:34:43Like, he could have done so much, I think.

00:34:45Smart as a whip.

00:34:46Yeah, and smart, right?

00:34:47Yeah.

00:34:48But by God, he didn't do anything.

00:34:51I mean, he did The Smothers Brothers, but I mean, I think he could have been a great comic actor.

00:34:56Probably, if he had wanted to do more of that.

00:34:58I don't know.

00:34:59I just think he's...

00:35:00I think I love him.

00:35:01Oh, he's hysterical.

00:35:02Yeah.

00:35:03I mean, do those guys have money?

00:35:04I don't know how things work.

00:35:05I know they have a winery.

00:35:07Oh, that's right.

00:35:07They're smothering wine.

00:35:08And they still go out and tour.

00:35:09They still work on the road, man.

00:35:11And Tommy's got to be 74-5, I'll bet.

00:35:14Wow.

00:35:15He's so funny.

00:35:16Yeah.

00:35:17He said, why do we have to go to a break?

00:35:19You worked with Bill Macy, didn't you?

00:35:21Huh?

00:35:21You worked with Bill Macy, didn't you?

00:35:22Yes, I did.

00:35:23Any funny stories?

00:35:24I remember doing the serial movie.

00:35:26There was one point where Tuesday Weld, who was...

00:35:29Tuesday Weld was in it?

00:35:30...played my wife.

00:35:31Wow.

00:35:31And there was a scene where it was a cocktail...

00:35:33Tuesday Weld, play your wife?

00:35:34Yep.

00:35:34Holy cow.

00:35:35Cocktail party.

00:35:36That must have been something.

00:35:36I'm cheating on her in the film.

00:35:38You're cheating on Tuesday Weld?

00:35:40And the girl I'm cheating on her with is at this party and just kind of, because she

00:35:45wanted to as an actress, Tuesday took a carrot strip and just flicked it at her at this cocktail

00:35:49party.

00:35:50And the director said, cut.

00:35:52He said, wait a minute, what are you doing?

00:35:55She said, well, it's just a spontaneous thing that I thought Kate, the character, would

00:36:00do.

00:36:01Yeah, yeah.

00:36:01He goes, okay, okay, okay.

00:36:03Everybody, Tuesday, everybody, if you're going to do something spontaneous, for Christ's

00:36:08sake, tell me about it ahead of time.

00:36:12At which point we all let that sink in.

00:36:14Tuesday said, could we have a five?

00:36:17And he said, yeah, five.

00:36:20We all went to Tuesday's trailer.

00:36:22She had enough Stoli on ice in there to float the Bismarck.

00:36:25And we basically spent the rest of the shoot just pissed.

00:36:28It was great.

00:36:29Oh, wow.

00:36:30That's awesome.

00:36:30It was a fun shoot.

00:36:31Wow.

00:36:32I don't remember Tuesday well on that, because she's my favorite.

00:36:35Who's prettier than her?

00:36:37Pretty girl.

00:36:38God dang it.

00:36:41He played a gay guy.

00:36:42Remember on Roseanne?

00:36:44Yes.

00:36:45Yeah.

00:36:45When they first asked, when Tom Arnold said, do you want to be on Roseanne?

00:36:49It was like the number one show.

00:36:50Yeah.

00:36:50I was like, duh.

00:36:52Yeah, I'm there.

00:36:53He said, you're going to be Roseanne's boss.

00:36:54And I said, okay, great.

00:36:58He said, you're going to be gay.

00:36:59Yeah.

00:37:00And I thought, well, nobody really believes Eddie Murphy is Gumby.

00:37:07Yeah.

00:37:07You know what I mean?

00:37:08Yeah.

00:37:09But I remember that period, because I wrote for the show, and I remember sitting on the

00:37:13steps of Radford, and you coming over and going, God damn it.

00:37:17But I just keep getting asked to do these PSAs for gay causes.

00:37:25Yeah.

00:37:25Like, I'm a gay guy.

00:37:27I did a few of those.

00:37:28And the other thing that I was secretly worried about is apparently-

00:37:32When you did the PSA, would you go like, I'm not gay myself?

00:37:35But I played one on TV.

00:37:37Kind of that thing?

00:37:37Yeah.

00:37:37I'm not a doctor.

00:37:38Yeah.

00:37:39Yeah.

00:37:40What I liked about it was, in a way, that they wanted him to play it straight.

00:37:45No, I liked it.

00:37:46You and Fred Willard were both.

00:37:47There was no caricature.

00:37:49But what I was actually worried about, apparently, there are gay actors.

00:37:53Okay?

00:37:54Call me crazy.

00:37:55Oh, and they want to play as a gay guy.

00:37:57And I was thinking, they're going to hate the fact that a straight man has been given

00:38:02a prime role on Roseanne.

00:38:06Wow.

00:38:06That I would be taken in, you know, as really an evil thief or something like that.

00:38:12And instead, it went the other way around.

00:38:13We won some awards.

00:38:14Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:38:15That's interesting.

00:38:16So was there any backlash at all?

00:38:18None?

00:38:19No.

00:38:20No.

00:38:20That's interesting.

00:38:21Yeah, but I thought about, you know.

00:38:23Sure.

00:38:23I remember, yeah, sometimes they get so PC about these things.

00:38:28They had a movie, The Last of the Mohicans.

00:38:30Uh-huh.

00:38:31And they had a big protest.

00:38:33Apparently, they weren't using any actual Mohicans.

00:38:36How many were the last?

00:38:38That's hilarious.

00:38:40All right.

00:38:41So...

00:38:43Well, you know what we should talk about, though?

00:38:45Well, when you're doing the last of, it sort of presupposes that there aren't any

00:38:49other Mohicans, doesn't it?

00:38:50Good kind of.

00:38:51There can't be any more if you're the last.

00:38:53How often do you paint?

00:38:54Let me ask you this.

00:38:55Every fucking day.

00:38:56Every, seriously?

00:38:57Every day.

00:38:57This morning, up at 6 o'clock, I'm in the studio at 6 o'clock every day.

00:39:01Do you ever worry about your hands shaking as age takes you away?

00:39:08No.

00:39:08Not so much my hands shaking, which is still fairly steady, but more my eyes going.

00:39:13Oh.

00:39:14You know, if I was to go blind, I think I'd eat a bullet.

00:39:17But I don't know.

00:39:19Really?

00:39:20Yeah.

00:39:20I wouldn't want to do that.

00:39:23You eat a bullet?

00:39:24I can't play the piano.

00:39:26I like that one.

00:39:27You know, there's nothing I could do.

00:39:29Yeah.

00:39:30Wow, he'd eat a bullet.

00:39:32Dirt nap.

00:39:33Dirt nap.

00:39:34Yeah.

00:39:35Oh, yeah.

00:39:35Who said that?

00:39:36Larry King.

00:39:37Oh, yeah.

00:39:37Larry King came on.

00:39:39All he wanted to talk about was death.

00:39:40I'm like, oh.

00:39:42And he's like, there's nothing.

00:39:43There's nothing after.

00:39:44I go, I don't know.

00:39:45Larry, I can't help you.

00:39:47Oh, my God.

00:39:48And he's like, it's dirt nap.

00:39:49Oh, my God.

00:39:49You're mispronouncing iron.

00:39:51Dirt nap.

00:39:52Dirt nap.

00:39:53Good.

00:39:54Huh.

00:39:55Hey, I'm reading some questions right now from the...

00:39:57Are we supposed to go on a break, any?

00:39:59Oh, yeah, we were.

00:40:00Well, I just wanted to get these questions from the Twitterverse.

00:40:04Oh.

00:40:04Let me do one Twitter...

00:40:05Let me do Twitterverse questions when we come back from the break.

00:40:09Huh?

00:40:09Maybe we take one break and then come back with Twitterverse questions.

00:40:13Let me do one.

00:40:15Let me do one.

00:40:15How did you know George Goble, though?

00:40:17What was he on?

00:40:18Because I only know him from Hollywood Squares.

00:40:20That's where I met him.

00:40:21He was on Hollywood Squares, and he was legendary from radio when I was growing up.

00:40:26And then when I was doing a series of shows called The History of White People in America,

00:40:31I cast him as Fred Willard's father, a plumber.

00:40:37So that must have been fantastic to be able to cast...

00:40:39Yeah.

00:40:39Got to work with him.

00:40:40That was fantastic.

00:40:42Yeah, yeah.

00:40:42So you remember radio comedy?

00:40:43Yeah.

00:40:44I'm old.

00:40:45I wish there was radio comedy still.

00:40:48Because, you know, they do those jokes on radio comedy that you can't do on TV comedy

00:40:53because you can't see it, you know?

00:40:54Right.

00:40:55So you go...

00:40:55But also, you know, you used the expression PC earlier.

00:40:58I think that's the enemy of comedy.

00:41:00I think it's the enemy of a lot of things.

00:41:02Yeah.

00:41:02But, you know, we live in such, as I said earlier, litigious times.

00:41:07You can get sued for anything.

00:41:08And there's always going to be somebody who's, oh, you made a fat joke, you made a thin joke,

00:41:12you made a black joke, you made a white joke, you made a dead.

00:41:14And so all of a sudden, you know, you can't even come out and say, take my wife, please,

00:41:18because that's anti-marriage, anti-women.

00:41:21You know, Rodney Dangerfield's out of work, Henny Youngman's out of work.

00:41:24And I just think political correctness is...

00:41:27What it really does is make people a nation full of liars.

00:41:31Oh, yeah.

00:41:32Yeah, that's true.

00:41:33It forces you to lie and say...

00:41:34Oh, yeah.

00:41:34It forces you to lie.

00:41:35And the other thing it does is it forces...

00:41:39It enforces a lack of introspection or wonder.

00:41:46You don't think about alternatives.

00:41:48You don't wonder about this or about that or something because there's only one correct way to do it.

00:41:53Right.

00:41:53So you stay with that correct way.

00:41:55Right, right, right.

00:41:56You know, and it's something as simple as you don't wonder what it would be like to drive down the

00:42:01sidewalk

00:42:02because you've been trained to stay on the road.

00:42:04Yes, yes, yes.

00:42:04And when you come to that octagonal sign, you stop.

00:42:07Right.

00:42:07And you wait until it turns green and then you go.

00:42:10Right.

00:42:10But you never think about it.

00:42:11Just go right over the top of those cars on top of the Safeway all the way down right through

00:42:16the bank building

00:42:17and back down around that fucking truck.

00:42:20You still have a license?

00:42:21You never think that.

00:42:21I do have a license, yeah.

00:42:23Well, you're like 71.

00:42:24I don't know what I want.

00:42:24I was just talking about what he wants to do.

00:42:27But you know what I'm saying.

00:42:28It's interesting.

00:42:28I know exactly what you're saying.

00:42:30And when Carl Reiner was here, he was talking about the blacklist.

00:42:34And I was, friends couldn't get work.

00:42:37And I said, but they didn't go to jail.

00:42:39No, no.

00:42:40They just couldn't get work.

00:42:41And it was a terrible thing.

00:42:43Mm-hmm.

00:42:44But nowadays, if you say something racist, you lose your job.

00:42:50Yeah.

00:42:50Now, so it's freedom of speech, I suppose, except you lose your job.

00:42:56Yeah, unless you say something against white people.

00:42:59Oh, yeah.

00:42:59Yeah.

00:43:00Which is racist.

00:43:01Yeah.

00:43:02And you would not lose your job for that.

00:43:03But yeah, I mean, and I understand that all of this is to try to make up for some terrible

00:43:09inequities that existed for generations.

00:43:12For sure.

00:43:12And, but I still don't think it's terribly healthy to put a padlock on people's mouths.

00:43:20And I think.

00:43:21Can you question like, you know, can you question, like, let's take the newest thing as transgender, which the American

00:43:29Medical Association says is a mental illness.

00:43:34Mm-hmm.

00:43:35But I'm not allowed to say that.

00:43:37I thought it was an airline.

00:43:40It's not?

00:43:40Transgender.

00:43:42Hell of an airline.

00:43:43I had no idea.

00:43:45Yeah, we're going transgender there, and then American back.

00:43:49Yes.

00:43:50Yes.

00:43:52All right.

00:43:52We're going to be back and do jokes.

00:43:59Back with the inestimable Martin Mull.

00:44:03So we're going to talk about art because you are, is that your first love?

00:44:07Yeah.

00:44:07You don't care about comedy and jokes.

00:44:09I went to art school for six years and realized that I had to do something to make money.

00:44:14And so I put a band together because everybody did.

00:44:17Yeah.

00:44:18And then that led to making records and that led to being, hopefully, on stage funny.

00:44:23That led to being an actor and so forth.

00:44:25All of that, all that part was simply a way to make money to buy paint.

00:44:30Painting has always been my absolute true love.

00:44:34Yeah.

00:44:35Up every morning at six, I'm in my studio.

00:44:37And that's a real talent.

00:44:40It's certainly an occupation.

00:44:42Comedy can be learned and so forth, but art can.

00:44:46Yeah.

00:44:46Art can be learned.

00:44:48Yeah.

00:44:48The craft of it.

00:44:49The craft of it.

00:44:50Yeah.

00:44:50But yeah, I don't know where it is.

00:44:53It's a mental illness.

00:44:55Really?

00:44:56Probably.

00:44:57Isn't it all of it?

00:44:57I don't know.

00:44:58I don't know anything about art.

00:45:00Yeah.

00:45:00All I know is that I don't believe it's subjective.

00:45:05Because I tried to explain this to Karl Reiner, because I don't think comedy is subjective

00:45:10either.

00:45:11But I was saying art can't be subjective, because if there's some sort of abstract painting

00:45:17on the wall, for me, right, who doesn't know anything about art, and then there's bulldogs

00:45:21playing poker, I would take the bulldogs playing poker, but I would be wrong.

00:45:25No.

00:45:26Wow.

00:45:27I don't think so.

00:45:28I love those bulldogs playing.

00:45:29But you probably don't like abstract.

00:45:32Yes, I do.

00:45:32I like anything done well.

00:45:34It's like I say I like bluegrass music.

00:45:36I also like Prokofiev.

00:45:38Anything that's done well.

00:45:40What I don't like is stuff done half-assed, or wrong, or badly, or uninspired.

00:45:44But you don't think there's any movements in art, though, that are just wrong-headed

00:45:48from the start?

00:45:49In other words, sloppy?

00:45:51Yeah.

00:45:51In other words, agenda-driven?

00:45:53First of all, I don't think anyone should be able to show their panties until they're

00:45:56at least 50.

00:45:57Or two score plus 10.

00:45:59Yeah.

00:46:00As we say.

00:46:01And because, you know, to have some 22-year-old showing their inner thoughts and their life

00:46:06experience on a large canvas, like, really?

00:46:09Yeah.

00:46:10Do we have to?

00:46:11Would you please go out?

00:46:12There's too much tread on those tires, as my wife says.

00:46:15Oh, that's good.

00:46:16Do you think it's true for music as well?

00:46:18Yeah.

00:46:18Yeah?

00:46:19So when do you hit your peak of art?

00:46:23About 50.

00:46:2450.

00:46:24And then you have less to say after?

00:46:27No.

00:46:27Well, you know, on any given day, I either have good days or bad days.

00:46:31It all depends on.

00:46:32There was a great statement that Matisse, it's attributed to Henry Matisse, who he said,

00:46:38people make art in spite of themselves.

00:46:40And despite the fact that I have ham fists and feet of clay and all these other things,

00:46:45every now and then there can be some sort of accidental something, some little push-pull

00:46:49where you do something that is absolutely transporting.

00:46:55And like hitting a hole in one in golf, and that's the reason you're out there the next

00:46:59day hitting it into the woods.

00:47:00You know what I mean?

00:47:01You don't always get it, but it's enough.

00:47:03It's a drug.

00:47:04It keeps you going back.

00:47:05It keeps you going back.

00:47:06It keeps you going back.

00:47:06But the process itself, the process isn't the paint on the canvas, is it?

00:47:13Or is it an idea first?

00:47:16Is it an image?

00:47:16For me, I try to make as much of it as possible, the paint on the canvas.

00:47:20So that way I like to try to remove myself as the auteur or in any way possible.

00:47:27Oh, yeah.

00:47:28So you're invisible.

00:47:30Yeah.

00:47:30I'd like to be as surprised as anyone else.

00:47:33Like Tolstoy.

00:47:36Well, that's high company.

00:47:38Let's take a look at your paintings.

00:47:39Well, that'll do it.

00:47:40Right here.

00:47:43Now, this is beautiful.

00:47:46That was a painting called Canada.

00:47:48And it has a couple of these paint-by-number geese that I put in there.

00:47:52And it's this lady up painting.

00:47:54And that's five by six feet.

00:47:57And it's pieced together from various sources.

00:48:01I use a lot of source material from things from the...

00:48:03It's like my life went by so fast when I was a child.

00:48:06And to this day, it allows you to go back and examine things.

00:48:12So I have tons of old Life magazine and National Geographic and Boy's Life and things like that.

00:48:17Yes.

00:48:17This looks like Life magazine.

00:48:19I think that she was there, but the landscape is from a place where I grew up.

00:48:23And the ducks are from a whole other paint-by-number kit.

00:48:25And I just keep putting these things together and try to put something together that I haven't seen before.

00:48:30Right, right.

00:48:32Let's take a look at another one.

00:48:34Oh, this is cool.

00:48:36This was Homeowners.

00:48:39Is that the title?

00:48:40Yeah.

00:48:41The ladies came, I think, from a book about World War II that I found.

00:48:45I was just fascinated by all these ladies holding their guns.

00:48:48This, again, is about six feet long by three feet high or so.

00:48:52And the architecture in the back is based on a photograph that I took.

00:48:55I use those disposable cameras you get at the grocery store for any photography because

00:49:01I want the quality to be really shitty so that it's almost half abstracted by the time

00:49:06you look at it.

00:49:07You know, blurred and changed and this and the other thing.

00:49:10To simulate memory?

00:49:12This painting, interestingly enough, I had a show in Chicago and a guy came in.

00:49:17It was a young Mexican boy.

00:49:19I say boy because he seemed quite young.

00:49:22Yeah.

00:49:22And paid for it with a brown bag full of money.

00:49:25Oh, my gosh.

00:49:27So I don't know where it is now, but...

00:49:30So how do you make this painting?

00:49:32I still don't understand.

00:49:33You take...

00:49:36This is painted, though.

00:49:37This is not a collage or things.

00:49:39No, no.

00:49:40You know, I will take the various elements that I find in clippings and things like that

00:49:44and I'll cut them out and I'll make an actual collage out of them.

00:49:47Then I'll copy that on my photocopier.

00:49:49Then I'll move that around.

00:49:50Then I'll move it around, move it around, move it around.

00:49:52Until I think that's roughly what I think I'd like to make a picture of.

00:49:56You know?

00:49:57I like the way it works.

00:49:58I like the balance.

00:49:59I like this.

00:49:59I like that.

00:50:00And then, laboriously, we'll put that on canvas.

00:50:04And then once that's on canvas, it's usually wrong.

00:50:08Because the size change has changed all the relationships, etc.

00:50:12Then you go back in and you paint.

00:50:14Huh.

00:50:15Until you think it's right.

00:50:17So you are...

00:50:20Because to me it looks...

00:50:22I don't know a thing about ours.

00:50:24Okay.

00:50:25I don't even want to say it.

00:50:27I probably shouldn't even say it.

00:50:28It's like you're talking about retard.

00:50:30Should I even say it?

00:50:31No, no.

00:50:33To me it looks, I would say, like hyper-realistic.

00:50:39It's not hyper in terms of the actual school of hyper-realism.

00:50:43Because if you get close...

00:50:44There's a school?

00:50:45Sure.

00:50:46Probably a kindergarten.

00:50:48But if you get close to this...

00:50:50The word I just said?

00:50:51Yeah.

00:50:51Hyper-realism.

00:50:52That's the real thing?

00:50:54Well, yeah.

00:50:54It's a class of painting.

00:50:56See?

00:50:56See how smart you are?

00:50:58But if you got close, you'd see brush strokes, etc.

00:51:01I don't make any attempt to be a photo-realist.

00:51:04You know?

00:51:05To do the...

00:51:06It looks like a photo.

00:51:07I want the impression of photographic stuff because...

00:51:10So photo-realism is another school?

00:51:12Yeah.

00:51:13And that's to make it look like a photo?

00:51:15Absolutely.

00:51:15Anal-compulsive.

00:51:17Laborious.

00:51:18And what's the point of that though?

00:51:20You got me.

00:51:21Yeah.

00:51:23Keeps you off the streets?

00:51:24Yeah.

00:51:25But the photograph itself would be...

00:51:28That would be enough, right?

00:51:30For some, yeah.

00:51:32I've seen some things that are pretty amazing technically.

00:51:34If you're trying to make something that looks exactly like the photograph, it's virtually forgery, isn't it?

00:51:45But there's an element of it being man-made that comes into the equation there.

00:51:49And it's not so much that I made this with my own two hands, but you could also say I

00:51:55made this with my own two weeks or my own two months.

00:51:58Yeah.

00:51:58And hence, ergo, a value.

00:52:03The time of a human being.

00:52:05Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:52:05Let's take another...

00:52:06What's this school then?

00:52:08Oh, this...

00:52:09Oh, this is really cool.

00:52:11This, Steve, is a painting that Steve owns that he actually used for the album cover of his recent album.

00:52:19And this comes from a little photo.

00:52:21It's been altered and changed in this and the other thing.

00:52:24Like I said before, you know, it collaged and pieced together and moved.

00:52:29But it was a little photo about that big, maybe an inch and a half by an inch and a

00:52:33half.

00:52:34I have my wife go online because I don't use the computer for anything other than Gmail.

00:52:38I detest the computer.

00:52:39I just think it's horrible.

00:52:40Really?

00:52:41Horrible.

00:52:42I hate the thing.

00:52:43I don't like what it's done to us.

00:52:45I don't like people doing this.

00:52:46The fact that we have opposable thumbs, that's going to be all we have.

00:52:51Wow, it doesn't use the computer.

00:52:52No, no.

00:52:54And I have a phone that does this if I had a chance.

00:52:57Really?

00:52:58Yeah.

00:52:58But at any rate, she went online and found all these people selling off their family pictures.

00:53:05And I got these things and it's amazing.

00:53:08I went through like stacks of hundreds of them.

00:53:10I'll sell them.

00:53:11And when I would go through, I'd go, yeah, yeah.

00:53:13Oh my God.

00:53:15Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:53:16Oh boy.

00:53:16Some of them just absolutely resonated with me.

00:53:19Well, what really resonates is a family picture here is obvious.

00:53:23Yeah.

00:53:23The band's eyes are closed.

00:53:25Yeah.

00:53:26Tanked.

00:53:26Yeah.

00:53:28Yeah.

00:53:29So that's a very large painting.

00:53:31So this is an actual, the source material was real.

00:53:35It was a real photo, but I changed some things like the painting behind there is different.

00:53:40Asking about the painting.

00:53:40And the flowers are different.

00:53:42How did you do the painting?

00:53:44Hmm?

00:53:44How did you do the painting behind it?

00:53:46It's all paintbrush.

00:53:47But that you didn't use the source material.

00:53:50The whole thing is paint.

00:53:50No.

00:53:50You just made a painting.

00:53:52Because that's more, now I'm going to use words that are not the right words.

00:53:57Where we go.

00:53:58The painting behind the people is what I would say, and I'm sure I'm wrong, impressionistic.

00:54:07More so.

00:54:08Yes.

00:54:09You got that, Norm?

00:54:10That's good.

00:54:12I smell a book.

00:54:14Wow.

00:54:16I think there's a book deal here.

00:54:18Now, if I were to buy a painting from you, how much would that cost me?

00:54:23They're expensive.

00:54:24How much?

00:54:26Well, a lot.

00:54:28Are they in the tens of thousands of dollars?

00:54:31Jesus.

00:54:33I could buy a computer.

00:54:34I could buy a computer.

00:54:36Sure.

00:54:36I actually have some paintings, if anyone's interested in seeing them, at the Herschel

00:54:40and Adler Gallery all summer long.

00:54:42In New York City, New York?

00:54:43New York City, on Fifth Avenue, Herschel and Adler Modern.

00:54:46Hmm.

00:54:47Now, how does that work?

00:54:48Do you go there?

00:54:50I went there and met with the people.

00:54:51I mean, do you attend it, though, while it's going on?

00:54:53I may.

00:54:55That doesn't embarrass you?

00:54:56No.

00:54:56This particular show is a group show, so there's not going to be a big gala opening.

00:55:00But I may get a chance to get back and see it.

00:55:03Yeah.

00:55:04Oh, that's fascinating.

00:55:05Don't we have any more?

00:55:06Is that it?

00:55:07Mm-hmm.

00:55:07God damn it.

00:55:09So, like, $40,000 would that give me, like...

00:55:13You could get one for that.

00:55:14But not a great one.

00:55:16Not one of your best.

00:55:16Yeah, you could get a good one for that.

00:55:18Good one, huh?

00:55:18Mm-hmm.

00:55:20I like that.

00:55:21I like that.

00:55:22Because it looks like things.

00:55:24Well, I never thought ever in my life that I could earn a living making paintings.

00:55:28And I just feel so...

00:55:30That's amazing.

00:55:31You know.

00:55:31I think we should use that quote, maybe.

00:55:34You should feel free to use that when selling one of the paintings.

00:55:37What's that?

00:55:37It looks like things.

00:55:39Norm Macdonald.

00:55:39It looks like things.

00:55:41I love it.

00:55:42No, I like one looks happy.

00:55:43I've had a lot of people say, it looks like a picture.

00:55:46And I thought that was pretty good.

00:55:48But things, I think, tops it.

00:55:49Because that's not even a fucking noun.

00:55:56When are we going to do jokes?

00:55:58Oh, yeah, yeah.

00:55:59We have jokes.

00:55:59Okay, what you got?

00:56:01Well...

00:56:01Two guys.

00:56:03It's been a rough week for me, because I'm from Canada, Martin.

00:56:06Yeah.

00:56:08America light.

00:56:09Yeah.

00:56:11No, I love Canada.

00:56:12Yeah, you guys.

00:56:13It's not even Canada, for goodness sakes.

00:56:15Absolutely.

00:56:15Years ago at the Toronto, whatever the fuck they called it.

00:56:19Montreal Comedy Festival?

00:56:19No.

00:56:20Oh, right.

00:56:20Was it the outdoor one?

00:56:22Years before that.

00:56:22Outdoor, yes.

00:56:23In Toronto.

00:56:24Oh, at the park there.

00:56:25Yeah.

00:56:26I remember I did 90 minutes that day.

00:56:28Wow.

00:56:29I should remember things about my home country.

00:56:32But anyways, I was just going to say it was a rough week, because there was a guy...

00:56:37The mayor?

00:56:38No, this guy makes the mayor look like a clown.

00:56:43No, this is what this guy did.

00:56:45It's a terrible story.

00:56:46But he was kind of a porn star or something.

00:56:50Oh, right about this.

00:56:51A lover.

00:56:51Yeah, yeah.

00:56:53French Canadian guy.

00:56:54And so what he did is he cut up his...

00:56:57I was talking about the computer.

00:56:59He cut up his lover live on screen on the computer on some sort of webcam.

00:57:06And then he ate the person.

00:57:09He ate the person while he was alive.

00:57:12He feasted on this man's viscera while the throes of death, you know, came crying from his mouth.

00:57:20And this seemed to make this fella hungrier.

00:57:23And I mean, this guy was a real jerk.

00:57:26Yeah.

00:57:26Did he have anything to drink with the meal?

00:57:28Do you remember?

00:57:30Well, he drank blood, of course.

00:57:32Oh, okay.

00:57:34Uh-oh.

00:57:34Now, this is a thing we do...

00:57:37This is a thing...

00:57:39He sounds mean.

00:57:40Oh, yeah.

00:57:41He's a bully.

00:57:43There's a new thing called, This Week I Learned.

00:57:46Oh.

00:57:47And it's...

00:57:47You don't mind the computer, but it's on hashtag, This Week I Learned.

00:57:50Everybody writes, This Week I Learned.

00:57:52Okay.

00:57:53It always seems to be me that learns these things every week.

00:57:55So, Adam Egan, This Week I Learned.

00:57:57Oh, let's see what I learned this week.

00:57:59This will be the hoot.

00:58:01Uh, This Week I Learned, you can pay your debts with blow jobs.

00:58:05Who knew that, right?

00:58:07Well, I found out this week.

00:58:09I...

00:58:11But you won't feel it because of the Novocaine.

00:58:13Uh-huh.

00:58:15All right.

00:58:15I learned two things this week.

00:58:16Yeah, that's right.

00:58:17Two things.

00:58:18Is that easier?

00:58:19The other thing I learned this week is...

00:58:20Is that easier?

00:58:21Is it easier to give the blow job when you're not numb?

00:58:25Uh...

00:58:25I mean...

00:58:26No, because it's...

00:58:27Remember when Cosby...

00:58:28Cosby?

00:58:29Who puts new meaning when he says, Open up?

00:58:32Open, keep it open.

00:58:34It's easier to give the blow job.

00:58:35A little lighter?

00:58:36No.

00:58:36Yeah, I'm not gonna...

00:58:37Yeah.

00:58:38Yeah, don't do that.

00:58:39Rinse.

00:58:40Rinse.

00:58:45Here's one for, uh, for Martin Malda to read.

00:58:48Oh, hold on.

00:58:48It's about the president.

00:58:49Presidential Fact.

00:58:54What?

00:58:54No, I want to continue to work in this town.

00:58:58We're not doing that joke.

00:59:00It's ridiculous.

00:59:02Here, here, here's one for Adam Eget.

00:59:04It must have hurt for Adam Eget for some reason.

00:59:06Uh, I do a terrible John Travolta impression,

00:59:08but I find the impression gets a lot better

00:59:10when my male masseuse is jerking me off.

00:59:13Oh, jeez.

00:59:14Oh, that was all a legend, I believe.

00:59:18I don't know about that one.

00:59:19Give him a side.

00:59:20Huh?

00:59:21Huh?

00:59:22You know they had a big black mass, uh, devil worship

00:59:25this week, apparently?

00:59:27Hm.

00:59:28But I skipped it because I believe you can be just as close

00:59:31to Satan on a golf course instead of stuffy old situation.

00:59:34It's a tanning church.

00:59:35Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

00:59:39It's really what's in your heart.

00:59:40That's what's, exactly what I mean.

00:59:43I don't, you don't want to do any thing that,

00:59:46but I'm trying to get, I'm trying to get you one that doesn't hurt people.

00:59:50Oh, here's one.

00:59:52Here's one, Mr. Maule.

00:59:53Okay.

00:59:54Mr. Maule, it sounds weird.

00:59:57some biblical scholars now believe that jesus christ was married they also believe he had the

01:00:03world's worst bachelor party that was not a good one terrible not a good one what about this joke

01:00:09okay

01:00:16i love it a chinese man spent 10 years developing a suitcase that doubles as a motorized scooter

01:00:23there's no word on whether he had any particular hopes or dreams

01:00:32that comes back to that's right in there with uh i don't know how you feel we lost our trunk

01:00:37i don't get it yeah i should get it god i wish i got that

01:00:44maybe you could write me a letter or something explain it i need a map for that joke i think

01:00:49is when i heard it was so young and it bothered me for so long yeah but you laughed as

01:00:53soon as i

01:00:54said it yeah movie fans are now celebrating the 30th anniversary of ghostbusters and are demanding

01:01:00a ghostbusters 3 at least according to a homeless dude on my block who looks suspiciously like

01:01:06ernie hudson jesus remember harold ramus yeah i'm a dear friend of mine i did was he yeah he lived

01:01:14right next door to me i love that yeah poor dear departed harold i went to um because when i

01:01:20was

01:01:20uh young he was in sctv uh the television show in canada and so i knew him from there on

01:01:27on air you know

01:01:28and i always thought he was really funny and of course ghostbusters but uh he was uh cast in this

01:01:34movie and i can't act i never get anything but i really wanted to meet harold ramus yeah and uh

01:01:39uh so he uh flew me all the way from new york to l.a and stuff and then i

01:01:45was going to meet him

01:01:47and the producer was bringing me down to meet harold ramus and the producer was like this fat guy

01:01:52what was the film for oh it was uh it was the michael keaton movie um we played all different

01:01:59parts

01:02:00multiplicity multiplicity where he was cloned and i thought the script is cool because i really love

01:02:05michael keaton when you know all these different characters so so excited i'm going with this the

01:02:10producer was a big fat guy with a white beard and i was telling him i said i can't wait

01:02:13to meet

01:02:13harold ramus with a bag of toys no no just you know he'd eat a little just just i just

01:02:20thought i might

01:02:21know him but he does look a little uh saint nicholish and so i said to him um i can't

01:02:27wait to meet

01:02:28uh uh harold ramus you know because i loved him when i was young and he goes oh you've already

01:02:32met

01:02:33him it was it was him he was harold ramus oh and i had not seen him since he was

01:02:37a rail thin

01:02:39you know kind of black hair that's like a jack borden story but then he was real nice he was

01:02:44really

01:02:44nice to me and stuff and then he said i said i can't do this and then he said i

01:02:48didn't think so

01:02:49and then he said that uh he keeps hitting me it was similar to your job he does he goes

01:02:57like tell

01:02:57that story they're usually good i love those guys yeah tell that story and you go what involves his

01:03:06mother or something and i'm like you can't tell another person literally tell that story just like

01:03:19a pen jillette thing like where he paints his little fingernail red oh to to mean what i don't

01:03:24know probably just to distract your viewer or you know sleight of hand something he puts you down

01:03:29that's black as can be that nail yeah it's not it's not pleasant but uh orange is the new black

01:03:37but not in my apartment building kevin is the new black but uh he puts you down you know pen

01:03:44jillette

01:03:44puts you down as a hero in his uh um movement towards atheism because he said you were the first

01:03:51person along randy newman who he had heard utter the words i don't believe in god well i had written

01:03:59a song called a gospel song called jesus is easy and uh wait a minute i remember he had one

01:04:07i'm i

01:04:08i saw the one i did when i want to be god i want to be god i want to

01:04:13be god that was hilarious

01:04:15that was hilarious in fact that goes back to the trunk thing too because at one point while i was

01:04:20performing i want to be god which was a song about wanting to be god shows up god shows up

01:04:25and i'm

01:04:25talking to him and i'm saying like i said to him i first of all i am so sorry about

01:04:32your boy

01:04:34but i think i know how you feel because i had this i had a hamster down in the basement

01:04:40in one

01:04:41of those little cages that was going like crazy and that door flew off and he like flew out and

01:04:45hit his head on a water pipe he's all right now i mean he was just dazed but it's kind

01:04:51of the same

01:04:52thing yeah i laughed at that yeah and that's the trunk joke that's the trunk joke good lord it all

01:05:01comes back to that trunk joke sure does wow this is an alabama youth ministry group is under fire

01:05:09after putting up a billboard that quotes adolf hitler to be fair they did pick his most inspirational

01:05:15quote i heard he was a mean drunk this guy's a holocaust denier oh my god yeah true but he's

01:05:25you know other than that my torah portion had a bar mitzvah both sides of the family are jewish

01:05:31holocaust happened stalin was worse it doesn't mean that i'd why does he keep saying stalin is worse

01:05:37isn't that what every holocaust denier says they're both unspeakably evil yes

01:05:44i'll tell you something that weird al fella he ain't so weird he just sings parody songs

01:05:50my friend weird phil that guy's weird he saves all his common sparklets bottles for he saves it for

01:05:59marriage i'm sorry i said that stuff that's just you're on a card you know sometimes you

01:06:07really question the wisdom of free speech

01:06:15i was so trying to get away from his his denial of the worst atrocity known to man

01:06:21you know that that stalin is a real conversation stopper

01:06:27you could light up a room by leaving it yeah you know when he went to parties he's probably in

01:06:31the

01:06:31room with the coats i mean i'm invited i'm invited to old joe stalin i'm invited to very little

01:06:37that would be a bad folk song old joe old joe stalin was a hell of a guy in his

01:06:43big red boots

01:06:47yeah i snort what's that that's just started what's your what's your good yeah anything good

01:06:55you mean it sounds like cocaine no i'm snorting when i laugh like you know ladies like joanne

01:07:01whirly do or something yeah yeah that's me now that's one of my one of my big age aging things

01:07:08that'll just get worse as you get older too yeah there'll probably be nothing that snorts when

01:07:12you're my age what's the worst thing about your age um i remember i remember there was this movie

01:07:19once um by uh who's that guy that did blue velvet david lynch yeah david lynch did this g-rated

01:07:26movie

01:07:27called uh the straight story yeah about an old guy richard farnsworth yeah yeah it was great

01:07:32it's a great movie and they said what's the worst thing about being old and he said remembering when

01:07:36you were young well also having things go on you like for instance i uh wear these little things

01:07:42here those are awesome aren't they nice my mom i'll tell you a funny story about these i was doing

01:07:47two and a half men and uh my character was yes was supposed to uh um i was supposed to

01:07:55have a date with

01:07:55charlie sheen's mother and they invite me to this party but the story goes that when the door opens

01:08:01i've actually brought my own date and i had this like 23 year old gorgeous young lady who was my

01:08:08date and when the door opens we're supposed to be right in the midst of a big deep kiss and

01:08:13hug

01:08:14and i was a little hesitant you know because i'm old and she's young and so forth and she says

01:08:18no yeah

01:08:19go for it whatever i'm game yeah so these hearing aids have pre-recorded messages in them every now and

01:08:26then to tell you about maintenance and so forth and so on and so on just as our lips meet

01:08:31and i'm

01:08:32feeling pretty good about myself yeah i got it i got it i'm still here just right then i hear

01:08:40and

01:08:40it's a female voice that gives you the alerts i hear battery low oh wow and it was the most

01:08:48it was

01:08:50the equivalent of the the ultimate icy shower yeah exactly it was unbelievable yeah but that's one of the

01:08:55worst things about being old is is certain parts that don't work that well anymore you didn't like

01:09:00that what yeah you can say it i almost think that that what if they had what if they get

01:09:06to the point

01:09:07where they'll they say that like at the end of your life battery low yeah yeah like three percent left

01:09:14yeah or battery out oh yeah now we have questions you ever watch the actor's studio of james lipton

01:09:22uh have i ever done it no have you ever watched it on the tv yes so you know how

01:09:27he has the questions

01:09:27by jean jacques no yeah he has these questions and he asks all the people at the end okay what's

01:09:34your

01:09:35least favorite word okay people go intolerance okay and stuff like that so we have our own questions

01:09:41right i don't know these questions what

01:09:46this first question says who the hell do you think you are that doesn't make any sense

01:09:50oh what's the last thing um you would ever do

01:09:58skydive

01:10:02just too too much risk risk reward is not good yeah i just don't know what's the point

01:10:11most underrated body part

01:10:20is there one that when you get to be 70 you appreciate more than

01:10:25i'd say the molars because you can make noise when you eat and drive people nuts

01:10:34what's a bivalve it's a mollusk of some sort it says if you were a bivalve what kind of bivalve

01:10:41okay i

01:10:41forget that quahog where do you see yourself

01:10:46where do you see yourself in 10 minutes

01:10:50well i have to pee

01:10:55oh my god i snorted again oh your favorite song of all time that's against that's kind of tough but

01:11:02oh my favorite song of all time

01:11:06it's a song that joe tex recorded years ago called bad feet

01:11:12really love it bad feet we're gonna have to look that up yeah for sure

01:11:18not necessarily my favorite song but i love that song bad feet

01:11:24something you like that most other people don't like

01:11:32hmm that most other people don't like

01:11:40well that that's one that's going to actually cause

01:11:42take some thought

01:11:58what little glowing candle of hope keeps back the terrible darkness of despair for you

01:12:04next painting

01:12:05the art huh that's beautiful

01:12:09do you think i was serious with that last bullshit question

01:12:13no but that is beautiful though that you have your art

01:12:15it's lucky

01:12:16you're a lucky man huh

01:12:18if you can find something that um and i don't even consider it a passion i consider it just another

01:12:23form of breathing

01:12:24you know and my wife says that i'm driven and i think she's right you know i am driven

01:12:30and she spends seven days a week at least eight hours a day in the studio wow that's what you

01:12:35do

01:12:35yeah unless i unless somebody has the uh lack of judgment and books me on a show

01:12:41you know other than that i'm i'm in the studio

01:12:44my gosh and even when i do a show like when we were doing dads for instance it was great

01:12:49because on the one hand it is an absolutely solitary occupation painting

01:12:54it is it is you and it

01:12:56yes and after a while that can get kind of maddening and so

01:13:01what fun to go off with like the bunch of lunatics i was working with over at fox on that

01:13:05show

01:13:05and have that much society and social interplay and so forth

01:13:09he gets socialists out of it

01:13:10yeah and then

01:13:11not just that show but any sitcom don't you do

01:13:13after you do your your beautiful paintings

01:13:17you know that have some some you know meaning to them

01:13:21yeah and then somebody adds you some graffiti to read

01:13:23well you know they're different samples and oranges

01:13:28you know at one point it occurred to me when i was doing my doing rosanna i'm thinking jesus

01:13:33here i am working hard to learn something that tony danza's already mastered

01:13:43you know what i mean

01:13:44yeah certainly yeah yeah yeah yeah that your time is being misspent

01:13:52i don't know i mean your time is better spent in that studio

01:13:55i i tend to think it's well spent in the studio

01:13:58yeah and you probably live a long time

01:14:00i don't know we'll see

01:14:02i mean you gotta

01:14:03you you don't look like i've cheated

01:14:05cheated the revert for 70

01:14:07you have

01:14:0770 so

01:14:08oh i thought you were going to say like some some specific incident

01:14:14um no

01:14:14never had a heart attack none of that stuff

01:14:17no

01:14:17what are the statistics

01:14:18you don't look like you don't look 70 to me

01:14:20well it's makeup

01:14:22no no no no it's it's the handshake i mean you really yeah you seem like a strong like

01:14:28you work out or no no no so it's this is passion that's keeping you going i think so that's

01:14:35beautiful that's wonderful i gotta find some passion in it maybe i'll go to the school of

01:14:42hyperrealism i think you i think you have i just meant i just meant overly realistic

01:14:48yeah i didn't know there's a fucking school you check it out you use a computer i bet you do

01:14:53i do yeah just type in hyperrealism and you'll see some images but i don't want to see that i

01:14:58want to see your stuff so what so your stuff is what is it just martin moll and then just

01:15:03hyphen or slash or whatever it is art this is a piece of art i like that i didn't know

01:15:09what it

01:15:09was god damn i wish i knew it was called so do i it was a it was um

01:15:16it was a picture of a picture i can't explain it was it things it was a guy painting uh

01:15:25it was a guy

01:15:26painting uh let's say a man and there was the painting of the man and the painting of the man

01:15:34he was painting it's so unbelievable that is precisely a picture i am working on right now

01:15:40and worked on this morning swear as god is my witness

01:15:46wow and he's got a young lady sitting there admiring him and it's called realist painter and

01:15:52and admirer i'll probably buy that i'll probably buy that it's about this big

01:15:59that'd fit on my wall there you go all right let's talk after pleasure to have you on the show

01:16:04come back to the studio that's the boy i'd love to that'd be awesome what fun this is yeah

01:16:08thanks okay bye oh yeah we should say bye

01:16:13bye

01:16:14you

01:16:15you

01:16:22you

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