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00:05Tonight, Marc Maron joins us.
00:08I'm here with my trusty sidekick, Adam Egot,
00:11and I gotta tell you,
00:13I'm a little upset today.
00:16What's wrong?
00:17Well, as you know, there are only a couple of celebrities
00:20or world leaders that I really care about,
00:23and one of them is the Dalai Lama.
00:27You know I've always loved the Dalai Lama.
00:32And one thing that just makes me sore
00:35is that all these countries around the world
00:39are refusing to officially meet him.
00:42They don't even recognize the Dalai Lama.
00:46And he's such a peaceful, holy man.
00:51And the reason is,
00:53the reason they're afraid to officially welcome the Dalai Lama
00:57to their country
00:58is because it would upset the Chinese!
01:03Red China!
01:05What do the Chinese have against the sweet...
01:08Because China's economy is very powerful, you see?
01:12So nobody wants to risk offending them.
01:14And he opposes China's occupation
01:17of his home, his native Tibet,
01:22to which he is the rightful leader.
01:24You see what I mean?
01:25Yeah, that doesn't seem right.
01:26Oh, yeah.
01:27And it stretches everywhere.
01:28Like, you know, Apple?
01:29Yeah, yeah.
01:30Supposedly cool Apple?
01:32Well, apparently,
01:32they will not officially recognize
01:36the Dalai Lama
01:37because they're afraid to lose
01:40money from the Chinese.
01:41Oh, that's...
01:42Yeah, that's horrible.
01:43That's not right.
01:44Well, you know what I say?
01:45Hmm.
01:47Fuck China!
01:49That's right.
01:50Mr. Dalai Lama,
01:52your holiness,
01:53you are welcome on this podcast
01:55anytime you want to be on.
01:57No matter what the Chinese say?
02:00Well, we're not a big podcast
02:02by any means,
02:04but our heart's in the right place,
02:06so we welcome
02:08the Dalai Lama
02:09to come by
02:10and chat with us.
02:12We have zero power
02:14or influence over here.
02:15We have a very minuscule budget.
02:18Minuscule.
02:19Yeah, ain't that the truth.
02:20You know what we could use
02:21is a revenue stream.
02:24A revenue stream of some sort.
02:26If only we could find
02:26some rich investors
02:28to invest in the podcast.
02:32You know, as I think about it,
02:34who is a more visible investor
02:36in American enterprises
02:37these days
02:38than the Chinese?
02:40They are like the number one
02:42worldwide investors right now.
02:44Mm-hmm.
02:45Maybe.
02:46I was a little hasty
02:47with my comments before.
02:48You know there's two sides
02:50to every question, Adam.
02:51Uh, a lot of things to consider.
02:53A lot of things.
02:54Well, let's get some coffee.
02:56No need to rush
02:57to any decisions right now.
02:58Yeah, let's talk it over
02:59over a coffee.
03:00Yeah.
03:00Brent, you have any coffee?
03:04Brent?
03:06Yeah, but it's, uh,
03:07it's just instant.
03:08Instant?
03:09Instant coffee!
03:11That's all we have?
03:12That's all we can afford, guys.
03:13Yeah!
03:14Uh, let's be honest.
03:16Tibet's all well and good,
03:17but we have our own problems here.
03:19We sure do.
03:21Charity begins at home.
03:22Fuck the Dalai Lama!
03:23I would like to take this opportunity
03:26to address the Chinese.
03:28Hello, Chinese!
03:31It's me, Norm.
03:33How would you like
03:34to get in
03:35on the ground floor
03:37of an exciting new venture?
03:39That's right.
03:40The ground floor,
03:41heck,
03:41it's more like
03:42the bargain basement
03:43or the dank root cellar
03:46underneath the bargain basement
03:48that has an unseemly smell to it.
03:53How's that sound?
03:54Sounded pretty good.
03:55Excellent.
03:56Yeah.
03:56We'll be back with Marc Maron.
03:57You know Marc Maron
03:58loves Chinese food.
04:00I did not know that.
04:01I love Chinese food.
04:02How about you?
04:02I do too.
04:03What about Tibetan food?
04:04Can't say that I do.
04:06Yeah, it tastes like shit.
04:07Human shit.
04:08Much of it is.
04:10We'll be back
04:11with Marc Maron
04:12after this.
04:14Chinese.
04:19He is a stand-up
04:21comedian radio actor,
04:23host radio actor.
04:25Radio actor.
04:25I don't know what that means.
04:28A lot of voices
04:28at sound machines.
04:30Worked on Fred Allen's show.
04:31Not doing cereal.
04:33His hugely successful
04:34broadcasts,
04:35WTF, rather,
04:36with Marc Maron
04:37is available twice a week
04:38on iTunes
04:38and WTFPod.com.
04:41Second season
04:42for the show Maron.
04:43Airing Thursday night
04:44at 10 on IFC.
04:45His album Thinky Pain
04:46available on Netflix,
04:47iTunes, and Vinyl.
04:49He's got a great new book out.
04:50You didn't bring it, huh?
04:51What was I supposed
04:52to bring it?
04:53Attempting Normal.
04:54Oh, I would have brought one.
04:55I got a lot of them.
04:56The wonderful Marc Maron
04:57for the full hour.
04:59You know,
04:59it's interesting
05:00that you're
05:02on your second season
05:05on IFC
05:06because
05:08I know a lot
05:09of gamblers
05:10and I know odds makers.
05:12Yeah.
05:13And this is what
05:13an odds maker told me once.
05:15He said...
05:16About my show?
05:16No, about television
05:17in general.
05:18He said,
05:19if you get renewed
05:20for a second season,
05:21odds are you get
05:22a third season.
05:23If you're renewed
05:24for a third season,
05:25odds are you get
05:26a fourth season.
05:26And if you're renewed
05:27for a fourth season,
05:28it's 50-50.
05:30Is that true?
05:31He crunched
05:32all the numbers.
05:32He knows all the odds.
05:34If you get to be...
05:34I know you're kind
05:35of obsessed
05:36with lifespans.
05:37If you get to be 70,
05:38odds are you'll make 80.
05:40If you get to be 80,
05:41odds are you'll make 90.
05:42Get to be 90,
05:43no.
05:44Well, those odds
05:44drop for everyone,
05:45right?
05:46What do you mean?
05:46I mean...
05:47Not just you, no.
05:48No, I mean,
05:49if you get to 90,
05:50you've done all right
05:51for yourself.
05:52Yeah.
05:52That's the end of it.
05:53You won.
05:54But you really think so?
05:56Sure.
05:56Well, 90-year-olds don't.
05:59I had Carl Weiner.
06:00You talked to Carl Ryan.
06:01I did talk to Carl Ryan.
06:02He sat in this very chair
06:04you're sitting in
06:05and pleaded with me
06:07to live longer.
06:08I said,
06:08I can't fucking
06:08do anything about it.
06:10You're going to die soon?
06:12Well, I think he's
06:13one of those guys
06:13that, like,
06:14as long as he stays active,
06:15he doesn't have to think about it.
06:16He's not going to die.
06:17He's not going to die.
06:18No, it's not going to happen.
06:18Your fucking face
06:19is melting.
06:20Yeah, it's melting
06:20and you're going to
06:21have to nap after this.
06:22I mean,
06:22when I talk to him,
06:24you really get that feeling
06:25when you talk to a guy
06:26that age that, like,
06:27this is it for the day.
06:28For him.
06:30He's locked in
06:31and as soon as
06:32the cameras go down,
06:33he's like,
06:33oh, God.
06:35Now, you did it with him
06:37and with Mel Brooks.
06:38Well, Mel was,
06:39Mel's a live wire.
06:40You don't get any sense
06:41that that guy's ever going to die.
06:42You know,
06:42he's literally just running
06:44from death actively
06:45all the time.
06:45And people constantly tell me,
06:47or I hear this,
06:48funniest man that ever lived.
06:51Mel Brooks.
06:51Do you believe that?
06:52Sure.
06:53I mean,
06:53I think he's of an era.
06:55You know what I mean?
06:56I think he's still,
06:57I think the amazing thing
06:58about him,
06:58if you are,
06:59well, you're not wired that way.
07:01If you're a Jew
07:02and you're wiring as Jewish,
07:04Mel Brooks is going to tap
07:05right into that.
07:06Gotcha.
07:06Yeah.
07:07Gotcha.
07:07I understand.
07:07I saw Jackie Mason,
07:10who I think is incredibly funny.
07:12And then I saw a show
07:14only a couple of years ago
07:15and it was almost Yiddish.
07:17Yeah.
07:17I couldn't understand
07:18what the fuck he was saying.
07:19Yeah, yeah.
07:20It's just like,
07:20now he no longer knows
07:22whether he's speaking English.
07:23Yeah.
07:23I was like,
07:23hey, my kids are speaking English.
07:24And you're like,
07:25what's happening?
07:26But the rhythm is fantastic.
07:28The rhythm is completely,
07:29he used to be a rabbi,
07:30that guy.
07:30Yeah.
07:31Yeah,
07:31it must have been
07:31a hilarious rabbi.
07:32Somebody said,
07:33you're not cut out for this.
07:34Who's the guy today
07:35that has the most,
07:37what you call rhythm?
07:39Because I remember,
07:39I remember he would even
07:40do impressions.
07:41That was his impression.
07:43Attell used to have
07:44a very good clip.
07:45You're right.
07:46A lot of people took from Attell.
07:47A lot of people took from Attell,
07:48but in terms of the continuation
07:50of that kind of Jewish rhythm thing,
07:53Attell's like,
07:53ah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah.
07:55That's right.
07:56Yeah, he's got one.
07:57Then there are people that very soon.
07:58Did you see his special?
07:59I've seen the last one.
08:01The last one.
08:01Oh, the new one.
08:02I didn't see it.
08:02Is it great?
08:03Unbelievable.
08:03Great joke, right?
08:04One of the best specials
08:05I've ever seen.
08:05Great.
08:06Because he's,
08:07yeah, his jokes.
08:08So I have a new thing.
08:10I have OCD,
08:10but it's on set late in my life.
08:14Right.
08:14So I count everything.
08:15So anyways,
08:16I counted 120 good jokes.
08:18Wow.
08:19In his show.
08:20Well, he's all about that, man.
08:21I used to watch him
08:22when he was starting out,
08:23like he'd have a great joke
08:24and you just watch him
08:25write it into the ground
08:26by the end of the week.
08:27Like he'd keep adding to it
08:28and keep adding to it
08:29and then just destroy it.
08:30And that would be
08:31the end of that joke.
08:32Yeah.
08:32But like there are other people
08:33whose rhythms people took.
08:34Like Todd Berry has
08:35a very unique rhythm,
08:37but it's not like that.
08:38But it's like something,
08:39there's something elongated about it.
08:41Like there's certain people
08:41in New York that
08:42coming up in New York,
08:43you saw who influenced who.
08:45There was the Attell people.
08:46Yeah.
08:47There were Todd Berry people.
08:48Yeah.
08:48And then there was,
08:49and then Hedberg seemed to spawn
08:50an entire generation of people
08:52that kind of mocked his rhythm.
08:54Yeah.
08:55I mean, I love Hedberg,
08:56but these guys,
08:57you fucking spawn.
08:58I know.
08:59I don't need to hear them.
09:01It's one thing to do,
09:02to have an influence.
09:03Another thing to just
09:04cop the whole thing.
09:05Especially when a guy's dead.
09:07Yeah.
09:07Well, that's one.
09:08God forbid someone says,
09:10like, I guess I can take it.
09:11You know what I mean?
09:12To keep the torch going.
09:14I saw this show,
09:15Last Comic Standing,
09:16and I started recognizing jokes.
09:18Oh, man.
09:18And there were jokes
09:21from old guys
09:22that don't work anymore.
09:23Like, I think what people
09:24are doing is maybe
09:24going on YouTube,
09:25finding evening of the improvs,
09:26and taking them.
09:27How can they get away with that?
09:28I mean, it's one thing
09:29to do a stock joke.
09:30I mean, you know.
09:30But these are guys that,
09:31you know,
09:32they maybe have one,
09:33two good jokes.
09:34Yeah.
09:34They're not working
09:34in the business anymore.
09:36Right.
09:36Like, I actually used
09:37an old stock line
09:38on stage the other night.
09:39I couldn't help myself.
09:40I was on stage,
09:41and some guy had gotten up,
09:42and he was coming back,
09:43and I didn't see him leave,
09:44but he was literally wearing,
09:45you know,
09:45like, shiny gym shorts.
09:47I mean, I had,
09:47thanks for dressing up.
09:49I couldn't stop myself.
09:50And then it got,
09:51got a big laugh,
09:52and then I brought attention
09:53to the fact that I'd use
09:54that horrible stock line,
09:56and then I just ripped him
09:57a new one.
09:57I just leveled him.
10:00Like, okay,
10:00the stock line was nice.
10:01It was a nice poke,
10:02but now it's like,
10:03what's wrong with you?
10:04And I just ripped him apart.
10:06He didn't cry,
10:06but I felt good.
10:07I find that when I,
10:08I used to do stock lines,
10:10and then I was always sad
10:12because it would do better
10:14than the rest of my act.
10:15People just love it.
10:16But that's why
10:17it's a stock line.
10:18Yeah,
10:19because the timing's built in.
10:20Oh, there was a dude,
10:21I don't know if I want
10:22to mention his name.
10:23Yeah, what is it?
10:25Well, it was funny.
10:26I ran into this guy.
10:27There was a guy
10:27who used to be
10:28at the comedy store.
10:29His name was Larry Scarano.
10:30I know Larry Scarano.
10:31You do?
10:31He's a funny guy.
10:32And he's,
10:33like, I ran into him.
10:34I can't remember where I was.
10:34Maybe it was Philly
10:35or somewhere,
10:35but he came to the show
10:36and we hung out afterwards.
10:37Guys knew him at the store.
10:39And he's a little bitter, right?
10:40Yeah.
10:40And he's like,
10:41everybody stole my stuff.
10:42And I'm like,
10:42really?
10:43Like, what?
10:44I swear to God.
10:45I swear to God, dude.
10:50But I go, like, what?
10:51And he goes,
10:52you know,
10:52when someone's on stage
10:55and you hear a siren,
10:57you know,
10:57my ride's here.
10:58It's mine.
11:00And I'm like,
11:01really?
11:02Is that,
11:02is it?
11:02Is that possible?
11:03You think he believes it?
11:04I think he does believe it.
11:05You think he believes it, too?
11:06Because I haven't seen that.
11:08As a matter of fact,
11:09your interview,
11:10your famous interview
11:11with Rogan and Mencia,
11:14or Mencia,
11:14about Rogan.
11:16But that video
11:17where Rogan
11:18and Eric
11:20Shafir go up on stage
11:21and talk to me to see you.
11:22Do you remember
11:23the joke that we're arguing about?
11:24That was the joke
11:24everyone was doing.
11:25It's like,
11:25who built the wall?
11:26Who built the wall?
11:27Exactly.
11:28Were you there that night?
11:28I wasn't there that night, no.
11:30It's a joke
11:30that practically wrote itself.
11:32Yeah, I mean,
11:33I don't know.
11:34You guys were both
11:35doormen at the...
11:36Oh, no.
11:37Well, I'll just...
11:37I mean, yeah, yeah.
11:38We both worked
11:39at the store, dude.
11:40The doormen at the store?
11:41There's a lot of stories there.
11:42This guy told me
11:43two of them
11:43were sucking each other off
11:45in the fucking parking lot.
11:46Is that true?
11:46I mean, yeah, it's true.
11:48Really?
11:48The door...
11:49That was different
11:50when I was there.
11:52We weren't doing that.
11:53Is that what they got to do
11:53now to get stage time?
11:55Who is it?
11:56Wow, things have got rough
11:57over there at the store.
12:00I don't remember that.
12:00Yeah, time...
12:01No, things...
12:02We tightened up a little
12:03since then.
12:04That was the incident.
12:05But was it surprising
12:06or were you like
12:06those guys to do that?
12:06I wasn't surprised at all.
12:08Because they were
12:08those kind of guys?
12:09Yeah, they drink a lawn
12:10and they're wild.
12:11Like those kind of guys.
12:12Are you talking about
12:13gay people?
12:13Yeah.
12:14I was...
12:15What?
12:15I mean, who else
12:16is going to be
12:16sucking each other?
12:16I don't know.
12:17Why do you call them
12:18those kind of guys?
12:19Why don't you just say
12:20are they gay?
12:20Are they gay?
12:21Why...
12:22You sound like
12:23a guy from Mad Men
12:24or something.
12:24No, I'm not...
12:24Those kind of fellers?
12:25No, no.
12:26That was not the tone I had.
12:28My question was
12:29was it surprising to you
12:30that those particular guys
12:32were blowing each other
12:33in the parking lot?
12:33I was more concerned...
12:35So the follow-up was like
12:35are they those kind of guys
12:37that would blow each other?
12:38That would blow each other.
12:39I was shocked.
12:40And it might not be
12:41that they're gay.
12:41It might be power.
12:42Well, that would...
12:43See, that's a more
12:44interesting story.
12:44That's why I qualify.
12:46One of the guys
12:46not shocked.
12:47As a matter of fact,
12:48he grew out a big beard
12:49and everyone used to call him
12:51a Gabraham Lincoln.
12:52Okay.
12:53I call him the head doorman.
12:57One time I saw him drink...
12:59The guy who made the schedule.
13:00Went on stage one time
13:01and drank a glass
13:02of his own urine.
13:03Oh, okay.
13:03So I wasn't surprised
13:04about that guy.
13:05Was that closer?
13:06Did he close with that?
13:07He didn't.
13:08Did he fill the glass
13:10on stage?
13:11No, he didn't open
13:12or close with that.
13:13That was the middle
13:13of his act.
13:14How did the audience
13:15know it was actually
13:16his urine?
13:18That's a good point.
13:19That's a good point, Norm.
13:20But I know it was...
13:21Where is there a laugh
13:21involved there?
13:22No laughs.
13:25It's generational.
13:26Yeah, it's this new thing
13:27that the kids are doing.
13:29I don't know if that's meta.
13:30We should tell him
13:31to close this.
13:32If they offered you
13:33today the weekend update,
13:35would you take?
13:37Today?
13:38Today, at this moment
13:39in your career.
13:40Sure, why not?
13:41I'll give it a try.
13:42That'd be good.
13:42I need to get some closure
13:43around that.
13:44You were the guy.
13:45Oh, yes, yes.
13:46You told me this
13:47on your podcast.
13:48Yeah, you're right.
13:49I have since asked people
13:50about it.
13:50And?
13:51And no one knows about it.
13:53No one knows.
13:53No one claims to know,
13:55but did you know Marcy Klein?
13:58Yes.
13:58Okay.
13:59Was she behind it?
14:00Yeah, she's the one
14:01who set me up
14:02with the auditions
14:02and everything.
14:03But no, but Brewer told me...
14:04That's all I've been told.
14:05Oh, Brewer told me
14:06that Lauren pulled him
14:08into his office
14:08and asked if he knew me.
14:11And Brewer said, yeah.
14:12But Brewer didn't like me.
14:13Oh.
14:15But he copped to this.
14:16He said, yeah,
14:17he's a little, you know,
14:17uneven, a little unpredictable.
14:19And Lauren was like,
14:20you know, I'm getting that feeling.
14:21No, that's not a good thing
14:22to say.
14:22Yeah.
14:23Yeah, Brewer told me
14:24to my face
14:25that he threw me
14:26under the bus
14:27to Lauren Michaels
14:28when Lauren was asking around
14:29about whether or not...
14:30Have you had,
14:30because I've worked
14:31with people,
14:32Roseanne,
14:34Dave Chappelle,
14:36whose careers
14:36have been blasted
14:38to the ground
14:38by this term difficult
14:40or crazy
14:41or something like this.
14:42Yeah.
14:42And they've told me this,
14:43you know,
14:43that even someone
14:45as big as Roseanne
14:46or Dave Chappelle
14:47have had trouble
14:48getting work
14:49because they've been labeled
14:50with this arbitrary word,
14:53crazy.
14:54Yeah, I didn't have
14:55the type of career
14:55that would matter.
14:56I was difficult
14:57before a career,
14:58so I was never...
14:58But still,
14:59when they're thinking of you...
15:00It's true.
15:01Like, I had a guy
15:02that worked for me
15:03at Update, a writer,
15:04and he sent in good jokes.
15:05And they said,
15:06don't hire him,
15:07he's crazy.
15:07Who was that?
15:08His name was Ross Abrash.
15:10Uh-huh.
15:10But I hired him
15:11and he was a great writer
15:12and...
15:12Was he crazy?
15:13Well, he was a little crazy.
15:16But, you know,
15:16one time,
15:17like one time
15:17I was on a show
15:18with a director...
15:19You could manage it.
15:20A sitcom
15:20and a director goes,
15:21who do you want
15:22to play your father?
15:23I go,
15:23I'd love to get Burt Reynolds.
15:24You don't want him,
15:24he's crazy.
15:25I'm like,
15:25no, I don't want you.
15:27I would love Burt Reynolds.
15:29I would love Burt Reynolds.
15:30I would love him,
15:30he's crazy.
15:31Well, I guess it's really...
15:33Like, what does that
15:33even mean, though?
15:34Well, I guess
15:35from their side of it...
15:36Can difficult mean
15:38exacting?
15:38Can crazy mean
15:41artistic...
15:41Yeah, absolutely.
15:42Yeah.
15:42But I think
15:43from the production side,
15:44if Burt Reynolds comes in
15:45and says,
15:45I'd like a trailer inside...
15:46Well, that's different.
15:47That's right.
15:48So, I mean,
15:48that's usually
15:49what they're thinking about.
15:50Like, he's going to come in here
15:51and we're going to have to...
15:52But from a writer's standpoint,
15:54writers will often say,
15:54I don't want to work
15:55with that guy
15:55because it might mean
15:57he has opinions...
15:58Oh, right, right.
15:59Comedy?
16:00Yeah, no,
16:00I've run into
16:01those kind of problems.
16:02But I don't know if...
16:03I guess they held me back.
16:05Obviously, they held me back
16:06with the Lorne Michaels thing.
16:07But I don't think...
16:09I think I was just
16:10sort of self-involved
16:11and aggravated
16:12and angry
16:13and I thought
16:13I had everything coming to me.
16:15And it just...
16:15It surprised me
16:16when people were like,
16:17oh, no, you don't.
16:18And I'm like,
16:18what do you mean?
16:19Aren't you my parents?
16:20So, like, it was really...
16:21So that's what you've come to?
16:23Yeah.
16:23That you think it was
16:24because you were
16:25self-entitled?
16:27A little bit.
16:27I don't think I ever thought
16:28about show business
16:29as a business.
16:30I'm just sort of like,
16:30I'm going to be a great comic
16:31and then everything will happen.
16:33Well, that is what happens.
16:34Yeah.
16:34To other people.
16:35Right, exactly.
16:36So apparently,
16:37I was a difficult comic
16:38that was inconsistent on stage
16:39and had a bad attitude offstage
16:41and it didn't happen.
16:44So, yeah,
16:45I think...
16:45Well, this is what
16:46I would notice, Mark,
16:46when I did auditions
16:47that I would always do good
16:50but then another guy
16:51would get the show
16:53because the other guy
16:54was a great performer
16:55and I wasn't.
16:56Actor.
16:56He was an actor.
16:57Whenever you go
16:58into those auditions
16:58and you see someone
16:59you recognize from TV,
17:00you're like,
17:01oh, shit.
17:01This is not...
17:03That guy's here.
17:04And then all of a sudden
17:04you're comparing yourself
17:05to what that guy
17:06could possibly do
17:07and by the time you walk in
17:08you're like,
17:08is there a point to this?
17:10Can we just move on?
17:12Thanks for having me in.
17:14One time,
17:14I heard Lapidus had me.
17:15He always told me
17:16everybody was a huge fan
17:18and then they weren't.
17:19So I would be...
17:20They didn't know you were?
17:20Yeah,
17:21so I'd be thrown off guard
17:22by that.
17:23And then I...
17:24Yeah, one time I went in
17:25and I was next.
17:28Is he still your manager?
17:28No.
17:29Oh.
17:29But he's a good guy.
17:31I was walking in
17:32and walking out
17:33was Powers Booth.
17:36I was like,
17:36I don't want to play that.
17:37I can't be the villain.
17:38So I just told them.
17:39Managers are ridiculous
17:41with that stuff.
17:41How long before you realized
17:43that they were just
17:43bullshitting him?
17:44It took me almost
17:45my entire career
17:46to realize
17:47how much they were lying
17:48and I caught
17:49my manager's assistant
17:50in a lie
17:51and I knew he was lying
17:52and he refused.
17:54Like,
17:55here's what happens.
17:55I go do a gig.
17:56I'm in the middle
17:57of a separation.
17:57I'm in bad shape.
17:59I shouldn't even be on stage
18:00in a real gig.
18:01I should just be doing
18:02the comedy story.
18:03And I get booked
18:04on this co-headliner thing
18:05with Tom Pompa
18:06and St. Louis Obispo
18:07or somewhere.
18:08It's a theater,
18:09like a subscription theater.
18:12And I get there.
18:13It's raining out.
18:14I'm heartbroken.
18:15I'm aggravated.
18:16And Papa...
18:16You and Tom Pompa
18:17don't seem like that.
18:18No, I know.
18:19It's crazy.
18:19So Papa,
18:20like,
18:21I figured at least
18:21he'll go after me
18:22and clean up, right?
18:23So we get there.
18:24He's like,
18:24I gotta get back to L.A.
18:25Can I go first?
18:26I'm like,
18:26oh.
18:27I'm like,
18:27all right.
18:27So he goes
18:28and he does
18:28this squeaky clean.
18:29He's nice and friendly.
18:30Yeah,
18:30bouncing around the stage.
18:32Everyone likes Tom Pompa.
18:33Everyone loves Tom Pompa.
18:35Kills.
18:35With the 400 people
18:36in the room
18:37that's seated 1,200.
18:39So I get up there.
18:40This guy shambles up.
18:41Oh, yeah.
18:42Just a mess.
18:42I pull a chair out.
18:44You know,
18:44Tom is running around.
18:45I just sit down
18:46and I'm crouched.
18:47I do one joke
18:48about the president
18:49or some, you know,
18:50some dubious joke.
18:51Is that on a chair?
18:52Yeah,
18:52I always sit on a chair now.
18:54So,
18:54but I sat on a chair
18:55and I'm crumbled.
18:56But back then?
18:56Yeah,
18:56I don't think
18:57it was my thing yet,
18:58but I've grown,
18:59I like the chair.
19:00It makes me happy.
19:01So I crumple down
19:02and I do this joke.
19:03I can't remember about,
19:04it was something about
19:05turning the black president idea
19:08on its head,
19:08but it wasn't racist.
19:09But there was maybe
19:10two black people
19:11in this room
19:11or white people
19:12and they all got uncomfortable
19:13and it was immediately
19:14off to a bad start.
19:16And like,
19:17and I only had to do 40.
19:18I ended up doing
19:18like an hour and a half
19:19and it's in a theater
19:20and I'm bombing
19:21and I can't get off.
19:22Sometimes when I'm bombing,
19:23I just want to make sure
19:24they can't say
19:25they didn't get their money's worth.
19:26I understand.
19:26Like I'm going to keep going.
19:27Yeah, yeah, yeah.
19:28And then I get off
19:29and it was awkward
19:30and I get out
19:30and we're driving home.
19:31Me and my friend Don,
19:32it's raining out
19:32and the woman
19:33who booked the thing
19:34called me up
19:35and she goes,
19:35what did you do?
19:37And I'm like,
19:37I just, you know,
19:38I just did my shit
19:39and she goes,
19:39they said you did
19:40a late night set.
19:41I'm like,
19:42I don't even know
19:42what that means.
19:43They said you did
19:43an hour and a half
19:44and then she says,
19:45they're not even going to
19:46let me book clients
19:47there anymore
19:48because of what you did.
19:49I'm like,
19:50oh my God,
19:50well, I'm sorry.
19:51It was maybe a bad time.
19:52Any client.
19:53Right.
19:54So then,
19:54yeah, any client.
19:55Like I ruined this room for him.
19:58And then like,
19:58you know,
19:58a couple hours later.
20:00for Greg Rogel.
20:01Yeah, Rogel.
20:02Yeah, he doesn't need
20:03things ruined for him,
20:04you know?
20:05So,
20:06so,
20:07so then I get a call
20:08from my manager's system
20:09later.
20:09He's like,
20:10hey,
20:10I heard you killed
20:11up there in the same way
20:12with this one.
20:12I'm like,
20:12really?
20:13Where'd you hear that from?
20:13He goes,
20:14I just talked to the people
20:15and I'm like,
20:15really?
20:16You talked to the people
20:16that I killed?
20:17He's like,
20:18yeah,
20:18good job.
20:19Well,
20:19I just wanted to,
20:20you know,
20:20call you and he had
20:21other business.
20:21I'm like,
20:22dude,
20:22you're lying.
20:23I just talked to the agent.
20:25I tainted.
20:26She couldn't even book people.
20:27Not what I heard.
20:28Like,
20:28from who?
20:29He goes,
20:29I talked to the,
20:30who?
20:31He goes,
20:31at the theater,
20:32I'm like,
20:32you did not.
20:33He's like,
20:34you can yell at me
20:35all you want,
20:35but I'm sticking by this.
20:36I heard you killed.
20:37And I'm like,
20:38fuck you.
20:39Well,
20:40it manages kind of job,
20:41though,
20:42to keep you thinking
20:44you're doing well.
20:45I know,
20:45but they think
20:46that's their job.
20:46I know,
20:47but I proved it.
20:48Yeah,
20:48I know.
20:49He's just lying.
20:49You proved it empirically
20:51that you're lying.
20:52And he would not cop to it.
20:53And then I had a problem
20:54with him.
20:55And then shortly after,
20:56I left my manager.
20:57But in ways,
20:58doesn't your manager
20:59kind of have to lie
21:00and pretend to tell you
21:02that you're doing good
21:02and stuff?
21:03Well,
21:03I had a conversation
21:04with my manager yesterday
21:05about the IFC.
21:06Because when you're on cable,
21:08the numbers are different.
21:10Yes.
21:10Because you get
21:11the night's numbers
21:12and then you get
21:13the plus threes
21:14and plus sevens
21:15and also the fact
21:16that it's IFC.
21:17Whatever the case is,
21:19I get on the phone
21:20with her
21:20and I'm like,
21:21how are the numbers?
21:22She goes,
21:22well,
21:22you know,
21:23they're like,
21:23last week.
21:23How are the plus threes?
21:24Yeah, right.
21:25Well,
21:25it wasn't plus threes.
21:26It was just the one day.
21:28But literally,
21:29she was like,
21:29we're doing great.
21:30You know,
21:31last week we had
21:31the sporting event.
21:32This week there was
21:32another thing.
21:33I'm like,
21:33well,
21:33then how really did we do?
21:35What were the numbers?
21:35She's like,
21:36well,
21:36I mean,
21:36it's not important.
21:37And what's important
21:37is that you're...
21:40And then I said to her,
21:41I said,
21:41just send me the numbers.
21:43Just send me the actual numbers.
21:45She goes,
21:46I don't think you want me
21:46to do that.
21:48And so that was that question.
21:49It's like,
21:51you're right.
21:51Just keep lying to me
21:52and buffering me.
21:53That's your job.
21:54But your show is a hit,
21:55though.
21:55It's doing great
21:56for the network,
21:57yeah.
21:58But I do remember
21:58when I had a sitcom
21:59that would always have
22:00excuses like that.
22:01They'd go,
22:01like,
22:02remember,
22:02the NBA playoffs were on
22:05and plus this other show
22:06is on that's way better
22:07than your show.
22:08Yeah, yeah.
22:08A lot of things
22:09were going on.
22:10People were watching
22:11television on other channels
22:12last night.
22:13It was a big night.
22:16This guy,
22:17oh,
22:17we have to go over there.
22:18Ray,
22:18he only answered one question.
22:20Oh,
22:20is there more questions?
22:21No,
22:21there was just...
22:22I'll hang out.
22:23Do I hang out now?
22:24How does this work here?
22:25We take a break.
22:26For a commercial?
22:27Yeah,
22:27we pretend it's a TV show.
22:28And then they call me up
22:30and they say,
22:31would you like that
22:32take this show
22:33after Letterman?
22:34Is that going to happen?
22:35Sure,
22:36it will.
22:36Yeah,
22:36I have faith in you.
22:37We'll be back.
22:42Back on the show
22:43with Martin Merritt
22:44and my trusty side
22:45of the Academy.
22:45We were just talking
22:46about comedians
22:47we will not mention now,
22:48but as you grow older,
22:51you see them in shambles.
22:53It's a little brutal
22:53sometimes.
22:55When I was young,
22:56you probably know this guy
22:57from New York.
22:58Uncle Dirty.
22:59Yeah,
23:00Bob Altman.
23:00Yeah,
23:01his name was Robert Altman,
23:02but he couldn't call himself that.
23:03He still loved Bob Altman.
23:04So he changed to Uncle Dirty,
23:05but he wasn't really dirty.
23:06No,
23:07he wasn't,
23:07but his big thing was
23:08you go to the improv,
23:09he'd be like,
23:10I had the biggest comedy record
23:11of 1973,
23:12whatever it was.
23:13And he'd talk about Lenny.
23:14Yeah,
23:15he'd talk about them all.
23:16And then he'd go up
23:17and do his 20 minutes
23:17on pigeons.
23:18Exactly.
23:19Yeah.
23:20But I never knew
23:21if it was true,
23:21but one night,
23:22me and Uncle Dirty
23:23were doing
23:23the Rochester Yuck Yucks,
23:25and that night
23:26we went into his hotel room
23:28and he was smoking a joint
23:29and I was watching him.
23:31And we were watching the TV,
23:33The Tonight Show
23:34with Johnny Carson,
23:35and it was way back.
23:36And Johnny Carson
23:37has George Carlin on there
23:38talking about the old days,
23:40and this and that,
23:41and this club
23:42and that club.
23:42And then Johnny Carson
23:43out of nowhere goes,
23:44do you remember Uncle Dirty?
23:45Yeah.
23:46And that was it.
23:46And the Carlin remember?
23:48They didn't even say it.
23:49He goes, yeah,
23:49and then that was it.
23:50So I got real sad
23:52and Uncle Dirty
23:53got real happy.
23:56I don't know what happened.
23:58This,
23:58you want some questions
23:59from the Twitterverse?
24:00Sure.
24:01You came along
24:03at a time
24:04when social media,
24:07this,
24:08anyway,
24:08this is what the question is.
24:09If podcasts
24:10were not,
24:12he says,
24:13were never invented.
24:14Yeah.
24:14If podcasts
24:15didn't exist,
24:17would you have done
24:18something else
24:18at the time
24:19when you started
24:20doing your podcast?
24:21Well, yeah,
24:22I mean,
24:22suicide was an obstacle.
24:24It was,
24:25wait,
24:25well,
24:26I would have done
24:26a lot of things
24:27had I been given
24:27the opportunity.
24:28Would I have done
24:29something else?
24:29There was nothing else
24:30to do.
24:31There was nothing
24:31to do proactively
24:32by yourself.
24:32No, I mean,
24:33it was like
24:33I was doing stand-up.
24:34I was rotting on the vine.
24:36I was broke.
24:36I had just gotten to,
24:37like,
24:38I had big plans,
24:39you know,
24:40at some other point
24:40in my life.
24:41There was a period
24:41like when I got,
24:43when I got fired
24:43from doing radio,
24:45like,
24:45I'm like,
24:45I'm just going to do
24:46a radio show
24:47from my garage.
24:47I got an ISDN hookup
24:49and I thought
24:49I was golden.
24:50I thought I was going
24:51to be one of those guys
24:51that I can do
24:52a live radio show
24:53from my garage.
24:53I'm all set.
24:54No buyers.
24:55Nothing.
24:55What are you better at?
24:58Being a broadcaster
24:59or being a stand-up comedian?
25:01In your mind.
25:02I know which it is.
25:05I think that the thing
25:07that happened
25:07with the podcast
25:08in terms of being
25:10conversationalist
25:10and being able
25:11to have conversations
25:12with people,
25:12that's a unique talent
25:13that I don't think
25:14I knew I had.
25:15In terms of,
25:16like,
25:16just talking on a mic
25:18by myself,
25:19I think I'm a pretty good
25:21comic and I think
25:22I'm a pretty good
25:22broadcaster,
25:23but they're sort of
25:23different.
25:24I don't feel the pressure
25:26to be funny
25:27in the garage
25:27and I can be
25:28a little more freer
25:29with my ideas,
25:30which is great,
25:31but I think that I know
25:32how to be a comic.
25:33I think that they're
25:34pretty even.
25:35What do you think?
25:36I think you're better
25:38without an audience.
25:41Okay.
25:43I'll take it.
25:44I mean,
25:45I think you're great
25:45at both,
25:46but there's just,
25:48well,
25:49there's so many stand-ups.
25:50There's so many stand-ups
25:51and I do love stand-up,
25:54but not as much
25:55as I used to.
25:56No,
25:56I get that,
25:57but it's tricky with me
25:57because,
25:58like,
25:58I'm very grateful
26:00for the success
26:00I got from doing this thing
26:02and I think that
26:02that it's unique
26:03and that what I do there
26:04is not like anyone else
26:06and I'm very proud of that,
26:07but there's still
26:08part of my head,
26:09it's like,
26:09I set out to be
26:10a stand-up comedian.
26:11I will continue
26:12to be a stand-up comedian.
26:13I see that in you.
26:14And I do it.
26:15I do a good job.
26:16You do great.
26:17Yeah.
26:17But all I'm saying,
26:19and you took my silence
26:20as an insult
26:21to your stand-up.
26:22No, no, I did.
26:23I think you're a great stand-up.
26:23I was absorbing
26:24the pain of it.
26:25But I think there's
26:25a million stand-ups.
26:26I know.
26:27And I miss guys
26:29like Tom Snyder
26:31and Larry King
26:32and guys like that.
26:33Larry,
26:33you can go do his show.
26:34It's just right over there.
26:35It's over at Aura.
26:36Yeah, you can.
26:38Larry's still around.
26:39But, yeah,
26:39he won't refuse,
26:40he refuses to stop
26:41and so does Regis.
26:43Yeah.
26:43I like Regis.
26:44You have tremendous talents
26:45with your broadcasters.
26:46And there's not
26:47broadcasters around anymore,
26:48I used to watch.
26:49But you were one.
26:50I think you're right.
26:51I don't know
26:51how that I would fare on
26:54behind the opera.
26:54How about 12.30 on CBS
26:56and you do a Snyder show?
26:57Forget the audience.
26:57That's what I want to do.
26:59Just do one-on-one.
26:59Is that what you want to do?
27:01I would like to do that also.
27:04But I would only like
27:05to do it every second day.
27:07So I'll take
27:08the alternating day.
27:09Yeah, there you go.
27:09Me and you.
27:10Add me to the grassroots campaign.
27:11Norm, Norm, Mark, Mark.
27:13No, I think you do that.
27:15No, I think you'd be
27:16very awesome at that.
27:18Because I miss
27:19that one-on-one
27:20that Bob Costas,
27:22you know.
27:22Yeah, me too.
27:23And you don't see it anymore.
27:25And Charlie Rose
27:25is not really that.
27:26Oh, well,
27:27he's interviewing
27:27some guy you don't know.
27:28Right.
27:29I don't want to see
27:29the fucking guy,
27:30some Belgian motherfucker
27:32that wrote a book.
27:33That's right.
27:33Yeah, yeah.
27:34Some guy who's
27:36the head of finance
27:37for the...
27:38And you don't understand
27:39what either of them
27:40are saying.
27:40Well, they're both
27:41trying very hard
27:42to sound like they know
27:42Snyder or you
27:44can bring it down
27:45to a...
27:46Yeah, you get it
27:46right in there.
27:47Larry King will just,
27:48you know,
27:48you'll say to Neil Armstrong,
27:49what's it like
27:50stepping on the moon?
27:51That's all.
27:52Powerful question
27:52for Neil Armstrong.
27:54A challenging question.
27:55What was it like
27:56up there on the moon
27:57where you were?
27:58This is what I heard.
27:58How was the only thing
27:59you ever did?
28:00How'd that feel?
28:02I heard Larry King
28:03say to a guy once.
28:05The guy had lost
28:06his child.
28:07Oh, no.
28:08And Larry King goes,
28:09Paul Newman told me
28:10you never get over it.
28:15It was like some
28:16unfeeling psychotic.
28:18I went to his house,
28:20you know,
28:20to interview him
28:21and he was...
28:21You interviewed him?
28:22I did.
28:23And it was like,
28:24it was weird
28:25because I talked
28:27about this.
28:28I felt bad about it
28:29because I was supposed...
28:30I thought I was supposed
28:30to be there like
28:31at 11.15.
28:33So I get to his house
28:34at like 5 to 11.
28:34I park out in front
28:35of Larry King's house.
28:36I'm like,
28:36I'm not going to be rude.
28:38And then I go
28:39knock at the door
28:39at 11.15
28:41and, you know,
28:42someone opens it
28:43and I go,
28:43hey, where's Larry?
28:45And she says
28:46he'll be right down.
28:46Then he walks down the stairs
28:47and he goes,
28:48you're late!
28:49And I'm like,
28:50what?
28:50He's like,
28:5011 o'clock!
28:51Yeah.
28:52And I'm like,
28:52I had 11.15.
28:53Nope, 11 o'clock.
28:55And I was like,
28:56fuck this.
28:57You know,
28:57and there's a part
28:58of my brain
28:58that's like,
28:59I don't need this shit.
28:59I barely wanted
29:00to interview him.
29:01And, you know,
29:02because like,
29:03I just didn't know
29:04where it would go.
29:04Like, guys who are
29:05as public as he is
29:06and are broadcasters
29:08as well,
29:08what am I going
29:08to really get out of them?
29:10So, so I literally
29:11had this moment
29:12where I was like,
29:12well, what do you
29:12want to do?
29:13Yeah.
29:14And he goes,
29:15I don't know.
29:17How long is it
29:17going to take?
29:18I go,
29:18it takes an hour.
29:19He goes,
29:19I'll give you 45.
29:21And then we go
29:22sitting in his room,
29:23in his living room.
29:24I set up my shit
29:25and he talks to me
29:27and right at 45,
29:28he goes,
29:28that's it.
29:29Yeah.
29:30And he leaves.
29:31That's what he did here.
29:32Yeah, he did.
29:32He did not show me
29:33to the door.
29:34Yeah.
29:34Did not,
29:35no one came back.
29:36I got so badly
29:37wanted to steal something.
29:38I thought,
29:39I earned it.
29:40Yeah, you earned it.
29:41That's what he did here.
29:41He finished the show
29:42and he left.
29:43Yeah, he was gone.
29:44And he walked in,
29:44he was immaculately dressed
29:45and I looked like this.
29:46He didn't care for that.
29:47But the weird thing was,
29:48he talked about death a lot.
29:50He said he thinks
29:52about death constantly.
29:53I didn't do an interview
29:54with him.
29:55Like, I didn't know
29:55all that stuff
29:56about Jackie Gleason.
29:57Oh, yeah.
29:58Like, you know,
29:58and that was good stuff.
29:59Touch short.
30:00Yeah, and, you know,
30:01that he was sort of carried
30:03by, you know,
30:04by these celebrities.
30:05But the weird thing was,
30:06he had no idea
30:07who I was
30:07or what my show was.
30:08I don't know
30:08who the hell set it up
30:09and that happens sometimes,
30:10you know.
30:11But isn't it their job
30:12to do that?
30:14Well, I think
30:14he was pitching something.
30:15He was trying
30:16to get some traction
30:16with his show.
30:18Right.
30:18So, like, you know,
30:18and that's how
30:19the opportunity came to me.
30:21But then he had me
30:21on his show
30:22and he was sort of apologetic.
30:23He's like,
30:23I didn't know
30:24what you did.
30:25Well, he probably
30:25didn't know on a podcast.
30:26Yeah, like,
30:27he just was like,
30:28yeah, I had no idea.
30:29And then we had
30:29a good interview.
30:30It's very weird.
30:30He doesn't,
30:31he says he doesn't
30:34research at all.
30:36Someone does.
30:37Well, one time he asked,
30:38I remember he asked
30:39Jerry Seinfeld
30:40how it felt being canceled.
30:44Jerry Seinfeld
30:45and got mad.
30:45Someone throw some questions
30:46in front of him.
30:47Here, I get my questions
30:49in the Twitterverse.
30:50It says here,
30:52ah, that sucks.
30:53What, mean?
30:54That's just stupid.
30:56I like that question
30:57you always ask.
30:57What is it?
30:58Where do you get your ideas from?
31:00Where do you get your ideas from?
31:01That's what he asks everybody.
31:03We've got a guy in here
31:04and then he asks,
31:04where do you get your ideas?
31:05And the guy storms out.
31:07Really?
31:07Sometimes they look at me
31:08for a while.
31:08Who stormed out?
31:11Oh, really?
31:13He came back.
31:14Oh, wait,
31:14no, that's not interesting either.
31:15Where do you get your ideas from?
31:16He came back.
31:17Yeah, he was okay.
31:18I know where some of them come from.
31:21When I,
31:21because like,
31:22when I do comedy,
31:23I always go on stage
31:24with like,
31:25just like ideas,
31:26just sort of half-paked ideas.
31:27So most of my punchlines
31:29come out of that moment
31:30where I have no choice.
31:32Like, I'll start.
31:33Oh, that's right.
31:33Right, because I'll know
31:34that the bit's funny.
31:34And usually it's funny enough
31:35to get some laughs
31:36without a tag.
31:37But sometimes I don't know
31:38where the tag's going to come from
31:39and you're just waiting.
31:40And then one night
31:41when things aren't going well,
31:43just out of necessity,
31:44you tag it.
31:45That's right.
31:46One of my favorites.
31:47Do you have that
31:48Oh My God moment
31:49when I remember hearing about,
31:51it was a great idea about,
31:52it takes 10 years.
31:54You know,
31:54OMG moment.
31:54Oh, the Overnight Success.
31:56Yeah, the Overnight Success.
31:57You hear that one?
31:57No, that was brilliant.
31:58I had to up that to 20 years.
32:00Yeah, that would work too.
32:01Like the old work I used to do
32:02is like, you know,
32:03it takes 10 years
32:04to create an Overnight Success.
32:05But what you don't know
32:06is that's the exact same amount
32:07of time it takes
32:08to create a bitter failure.
32:11You really don't know
32:12what's going to happen
32:12to like the 94.
32:14Oh, yeah.
32:15Dreams don't die with,
32:16they don't die
32:16with any sort of epiphany.
32:18It's more like,
32:19Yeah.
32:20But I had to up that to 20.
32:22It's like, you know,
32:23because they do the,
32:23That's a poem.
32:24This is the year of the,
32:25this is the time
32:25of commencement speeches
32:26and so forth.
32:27I saw Jim Carrey's
32:28and Charlie Day
32:29and it's like,
32:29follow your dreams,
32:31follow your dreams.
32:32But these are guys
32:32who've caught their dreams.
32:35That's the weirdest thing though.
32:36Like I deal with thinking
32:37about that
32:38because a lot of times
32:38people that'll start a podcast
32:39or ask me like,
32:40you know,
32:41what do I got to do?
32:42Yeah.
32:42You know,
32:42pray for good luck, man.
32:44Luck is a lot.
32:44I mean,
32:45if you've got talent,
32:46good,
32:46that's a start.
32:47But for once in my life,
32:49the podcast thing,
32:50you know,
32:51I think I'm unique
32:52at what I do,
32:52but the timing just like,
32:54outside of anything
32:55that I had control over.
32:56When I was on Update,
32:57a guy would send in jokes
32:59every day,
33:01about three pages a day.
33:03And, you know,
33:04it takes a long time
33:05even to type that much.
33:06Yeah.
33:06It's hard work.
33:07Yeah.
33:08And the jokes
33:08kind of made sense,
33:10but none of them
33:10ever made the...
33:11Yeah.
33:11And then I thought,
33:12is it my duty now
33:13to phone this guy
33:14and tell him,
33:15you know,
33:15you can never be a comedy writer
33:16and you're not good enough?
33:17Yeah, go home.
33:18Or what?
33:19Yeah.
33:19What did I do?
33:20I used to say that.
33:20It was a sin
33:21to encourage mediocre talent.
33:24I believe that was her big...
33:25Did she look at her lineups?
33:26Yeah, I know.
33:27Trust me.
33:28I've seen the names on the wall.
33:29There's one wall at the store
33:31and there's like set...
33:32It looked like she was
33:33just telling people
33:34her favorite foods.
33:34It was like butterscotch,
33:36spaghetti and meatballs.
33:37Well, here's a question
33:38that's like that.
33:39What is your favorite movie
33:40of all time?
33:42It seems like the ones
33:43that I watch the most...
33:46Like, I will watch Goodfellas
33:47no matter what.
33:48When it's on,
33:49what channel's on,
33:49whether they cut the language out,
33:51I don't care.
33:52I'll just watch it for the buzz.
33:53Yeah, yeah, yeah.
33:54You know, there are scenes...
33:55The channel stopper.
33:56Oh, yeah.
33:57You turn on the TV,
33:58that's like,
33:58well, I'm not doing anything
33:59for the next hour and a half.
34:00Yeah, Godfather,
34:01Godfather 2 seems to be
34:02a pretty important movie.
34:03In my mind,
34:04all questions are answered
34:06in Godfather 2.
34:06Well, here's a good
34:07trivia question
34:08you can ask people.
34:09I'll give you the answer.
34:10You'll get the answer now.
34:11But who won the Oscar?
34:14What two actors won the Oscar
34:16playing the same role?
34:19You can get it
34:19from the movie you just said.
34:22What, Al Pacino?
34:23No.
34:24Oh, wait.
34:25De Niro and Brando?
34:27Yeah.
34:27Oh.
34:28That's a good question, isn't it?
34:29Yeah, it's a fun question.
34:30I wish I was more of a...
34:32Yeah, I mean,
34:32I don't feel like...
34:33I told him.
34:34I've asked him that many times.
34:35This is the first time
34:36he's got it.
34:37I wish I could have gotten excited
34:39and been like,
34:40wait, wait, wait.
34:41Well, you would have got it
34:42if he hadn't fucking said it.
34:43You said Godfather.
34:44So we have Carl Weiner on, right?
34:46So he wants to tell us...
34:46He got it?
34:47Carl Weiner wants to tell
34:48his fucking joke, right?
34:49So he's like,
34:50I have a short attention span.
34:53Yeah.
34:53I have a short...
34:55What?
34:55No, I have short-term memory.
34:58Yeah.
34:59I have short-term memory.
35:00So anyways,
35:01I know what's coming.
35:02So he goes,
35:03I have short-term memory.
35:04And then this retarder goes,
35:06is that a problem
35:07with the comedy?
35:07I'm like,
35:08shut the fuck up.
35:09Let him do his bit.
35:10Yeah.
35:11Fucking let him do it.
35:12He started by saying,
35:13he was talking about
35:14his Twitter handle,
35:15like his name.
35:16And then I was thinking
35:18that was the name.
35:18It was just really long.
35:19This guy says,
35:20you and Henny Youngman
35:22are the top comics
35:24to make hay
35:26out of their bad marriages.
35:28No.
35:28Well, he said,
35:29take my wife, please.
35:31He said,
35:31take my wife, please.
35:32And I said,
35:33I am fucked.
35:36My wife took,
35:37everything.
35:38I'm sad.
35:40Yeah, I didn't have the tags.
35:41I didn't have the tags.
35:42My wife took everything,
35:43please.
35:44Oh, my.
35:46Yeah, I got it.
35:48Wish I...
35:49This guy says,
35:49your last name is beautiful,
35:51like Macaroon or Malamar.
35:54Who is the same guy?
35:55No, this is Charles Pat 99.
35:58Your last name is beautiful,
36:00like Macaroon or Malamar.
36:02Is that a question?
36:02Do you think
36:03it has helped your career?
36:04There was a thing
36:05in Freakonomics
36:06about names helping...
36:07No, my name
36:07has been a disaster,
36:08both of them.
36:09It's Mark with a C
36:10and M-A-R-O-N.
36:12So I get Mark with a K
36:14and Marin, Moran, Moron,
36:17Marone.
36:18No one can fucking...
36:19But not Macaroon
36:21or Malamar?
36:22Not Malamar.
36:23Certainly not Malamar.
36:24I could have changed it to that.
36:25What is this
36:26Jerusalem syndrome
36:27all about?
36:28You claim to be Jewish
36:29all the time.
36:30I am Jewish.
36:30Tell the folks at home
36:31what the Jerusalem syndrome is.
36:33Tell the folks at home.
36:34You know, I really...
36:35The camera.
36:36The folks at home.
36:36No, I know what you're asking.
36:38Well, look at your tree.
36:40I can tell you.
36:40He's not Jewish.
36:41I know you...
36:42That was the first book.
36:42Because that was a book of yours
36:44and a one-man show.
36:45But it's also a real thing.
36:47Yeah, it's kind of a weird thing.
36:48And it's not like...
36:49I think that title
36:50might have killed that book.
36:51Why?
36:51Because everyone thought like,
36:53that sounds like Chewy.
36:54Oh, Chewy.
36:55This sounds complicated.
36:57I didn't want to get involved
36:58with that.
36:59Right, right, right.
37:00But it was really
37:00a comedic premise.
37:03Jerusalem syndrome
37:03is this temporary
37:05psychological state
37:06where some people,
37:07they go to the Middle East
37:09or to Israel
37:10and they kind of snap.
37:11They have a manic break
37:12and they think they're like
37:13a prophet
37:13or a biblical character.
37:15And the premise was,
37:17I think I've had that
37:17all my life.
37:18Not just when I went to Israel,
37:19but I think I've been
37:20that important.
37:22Comically or...
37:23You never had
37:24a psychotic break.
37:25No, I think...
37:26Well, there's a period
37:26there in LA.
37:26You had a messianic...
37:28Oh, you had a psychotic break
37:29with the cocaine.
37:30Yeah, I don't think...
37:31It was a little bit
37:32of a psychotic break.
37:33Was Sam Kinison
37:34responsible for this?
37:36Yeah, well,
37:36he definitely sponsored it.
37:40He definitely encouraged it.
37:43You know, I thought
37:44I could keep up
37:45with the real guys.
37:47The real,
37:47the real Messiah.
37:49Were you there
37:49the night shot?
37:50He was the real Messiah
37:51and you were
37:51the false Messiah.
37:52No, I think he...
37:53Yeah, I don't know
37:54whether he thought
37:54he was Satan
37:55or the Messiah.
37:56I just...
37:56I think he knew
37:57he was going to get in
37:58if he had a second
37:59at the end
37:59to say he was,
38:00you know,
38:00straight with Jesus.
38:01I think his whole idea
38:03was like,
38:03I get it.
38:04You can do whatever
38:05where the fuck you want.
38:06And at the last minute
38:07you can go like,
38:07I'm sorry,
38:08you get into the good place.
38:09Well, according to...
38:11According to Mr. LeBeau,
38:12he had that moment.
38:13Yeah, he did have that moment
38:15in LeBeau's lap, I think.
38:16Yeah.
38:17Yeah, yeah.
38:17And then whatever...
38:19The lap of Carl.
38:19The sad story after he died
38:22involving Carl
38:23is a whole other chapter.
38:24Oh, yes.
38:24Oh, the kids.
38:25The kids.
38:25The kids.
38:26What were you going to ask me?
38:27Was I there one night?
38:27Were you there
38:28the night he shot his gun off?
38:29I'd gone by then.
38:30I left before
38:31the guns came out.
38:33But tell us
38:34what a psychotic break is like.
38:35It's great.
38:36I know.
38:36I know what it's like.
38:37Have you been there?
38:37Yes.
38:38Really?
38:39Did we talk about it?
38:40No, we've never talked about that.
38:41But what about yours, though?
38:43Well, mine was like...
38:45Because it has beauty
38:46and terror in it
38:47at the same time.
38:48No, the beauty of mine
38:49was that I was always
38:51a little conspiracy-minded.
38:52You know?
38:53And out here in L.A.,
38:56it got very mystical for me.
38:57Like, you know,
38:58I thought that everything
38:58had symbols and meanings
39:00and that.
39:00We were in this weird
39:01illusion factory
39:02and the power
39:03that show business had
39:04and the history of L.A.
39:06and the history
39:06of the comedy store.
39:07And I was, like,
39:09I was on the porch
39:11of the comedy store
39:12looking at them
39:13rebuilding the Sunset Tower,
39:15that hotel,
39:16that big Deco Tower.
39:17And I thought that
39:18the altar on top
39:19had some significance
39:20that, you know,
39:20something was going
39:21to play out up there.
39:22And I started hearing
39:23voices in my head
39:24and I was like,
39:25okay, I know I'm supposed
39:26to do something.
39:27Something is reaching out
39:28for me.
39:29What is it?
39:29The joke is something
39:30that's right out
39:32of your grasp.
39:32Right, right.
39:33Because, like, you know,
39:34I've been assigned a mission,
39:35it's just unclear.
39:36Right.
39:36But clearly I understand
39:37things that no one
39:38else understands.
39:39And the joke I did
39:41about it, I said,
39:41yeah, I've had voices
39:42in my head.
39:42And what's weird
39:43when you have voices
39:43in your head,
39:44it's always many,
39:45it's never one,
39:46and you spend a lot
39:46of time trying to get
39:47them to pick a fucking leader.
39:49Someone's got something
39:50to say, step to the
39:51front of the head.
39:52You know, and because
39:53I used to, like,
39:54lay in my closet,
39:55you know, just like,
39:55with this chatter
39:56in my head.
39:58And I was like,
39:58you know,
39:59I just kind of
40:00got to make out
40:00one word,
40:01just one sentence.
40:03And surprisingly,
40:04the thing that ended
40:04that period of my life
40:05was I was laying in bed
40:07at Steve Kravitz's house
40:08because I had to get out,
40:10like, and he was gone,
40:11so they had an extra room.
40:13Because I had,
40:14at some point,
40:14I'm like,
40:15what if those guys
40:15come and make me
40:16do cocaine again?
40:17I need to...
40:17Cocaine is what fuels this.
40:19Yeah, lack of sleep
40:20and cocaine.
40:21And I used to go,
40:22like, I used to go
40:23crash somewhere else
40:24because it got ugly.
40:25Like, there was a big scene
40:25in the parking lot
40:26at the comedy store.
40:27But I was laying
40:28in Kravitz's house.
40:29You know about
40:29big scenes there.
40:31Remember when you
40:31sucked off that fucking guy?
40:33I wish it was
40:34that kind of scene.
40:35Who sucked off
40:35a fucking guy?
40:36Oh, that was you.
40:37That was not.
40:40But I'm laying in bed
40:41and I'm literally,
40:41I'm laying there
40:42and I'm, out loud,
40:43I'm saying,
40:43how far out can I go?
40:44And I swear,
40:45in my memory,
40:46a voice I'd never heard
40:47before,
40:47as clear as day said,
40:48you've gone far enough.
40:50And I'm like,
40:51thank you.
40:52And the next day
40:52I packed up my shit.
40:54Whatever didn't fit in my car
40:55I gave away.
40:56I paid my debts
40:56and I left.
40:57Wow.
40:58Left.
40:59So one of the voices
41:00was a voice of reason.
41:01Right.
41:02Then you end up,
41:02you go,
41:03usually people go
41:04to their parents' place.
41:06Well, I went to my brother
41:07who was living in Tucson
41:08at the time.
41:08I said, I'm fucked up.
41:09I gotta get off the blow.
41:10Give me a basement.
41:10I'm in trouble.
41:11Yeah.
41:11And he goes,
41:12well, I'm graduating.
41:13We're about to go party.
41:14I'm like,
41:14well, I have different people.
41:15Okay.
41:17Yeah, I ended up going home
41:18and I immediately renewed
41:20my passport
41:20because I'm pretty sure
41:21I was going to have to run.
41:22I don't know from what.
41:23So you still have it.
41:24Oh, no.
41:25Because it's residual.
41:25Dude, it took like
41:26two or three years.
41:27Like, I came back here.
41:29I used to come back to L.A.
41:30I ended up going into rehab
41:31the first time.
41:32I stayed sober
41:33for about a year and a half.
41:34But every time I came back
41:35to the comedy store in L.A.,
41:37you'd feel it.
41:38Well, I feel it with nothing.
41:40It's just a dark.
41:41Yeah, but it's like
41:42definitely a tone.
41:43If you spend enough time there,
41:45I'm not a very spiritual person,
41:46but I feel like
41:47there's something there.
41:48But it went away.
41:49Did it?
41:49It finally went away.
41:51Like, the store
41:52was sort of the source of it.
41:53Got enough space
41:54between you and the store?
41:54I don't know.
41:55It's just like the sort of,
41:56like, I was able to kind of
41:59practically,
42:00in a cognitive way,
42:02just, you know,
42:02just disconnect
42:03from conspiratorial thinking
42:05because that's where
42:06you get into trouble
42:07is where it's sort of like,
42:08I know what this means.
42:09Yeah, yeah.
42:09Like, what could that be?
42:10Like, why is that song
42:11playing now?
42:11And how come that thing's
42:12over there?
42:13With the newspaper headline?
42:13Yeah, and I have,
42:14it's like,
42:15it's part of the CD.
42:16Is anything happening
42:17in the news?
42:18And you go,
42:18oh, wait a minute.
42:19Oh, yeah.
42:19I used to cut pictures
42:20out of the paper.
42:21Like, there was one point
42:22where, like, I,
42:23and this was before
42:24I shook it.
42:25Yeah, because I was
42:26back in Boston.
42:27There was a picture
42:27of George Bush Sr.
42:29in the front page
42:29of the paper
42:30doing this.
42:32And that's the sign
42:33for the Texas Longhorns.
42:34The team.
42:35But I'm like,
42:36no, this is a signal.
42:37And, like,
42:38I cut that thing out
42:39and I called the paper.
42:41I'm like,
42:41how do I get this picture?
42:42Yeah.
42:42And they go,
42:43well, you gotta,
42:43you gotta contact the UPI
42:45and get the original copy.
42:47It's probably gonna be
42:48like $500.
42:49I'm like,
42:49I'll just cut it
42:50out of the paper.
42:53It's not a crazy
42:55conspiratorial idea.
42:56Somebody from
42:57George Bush Sr.'s camp
42:59should have probably
43:00advised him.
43:01Not to,
43:01oh, not to do
43:02the Satan's guy?
43:03Bad press?
43:04Yeah.
43:05Well, it got through to me.
43:06I'm like,
43:06I knew it.
43:07I knew it.
43:08They're all part of it.
43:11That's a good point.
43:13While you're looking,
43:14I was wondering
43:16if you,
43:17we talk a lot
43:17about music at the store.
43:19Yeah.
43:19Great taste in music.
43:20If you could go back
43:21in time,
43:21see any band,
43:22any era,
43:23what do you think
43:24it would be?
43:24Live in concert.
43:26Well, I'd love
43:28to see Hendrix
43:29at the peak
43:30of what he was doing.
43:31Right.
43:31I don't,
43:32like,
43:32I often wonder about that.
43:33Like,
43:33the amount of drugs
43:34he'd probably take
43:35and, like,
43:35when he really started
43:36going off
43:37if he'd be like,
43:37all right,
43:38here we go.
43:38You know,
43:39but I think
43:40that would have been
43:40pretty amazing.
43:41I would have loved to have seen it.
43:42if he would have made it,
43:43though,
43:43to this point,
43:44he'd be like you.
43:45Like,
43:46when you tell me
43:47you finally
43:49became clear,
43:49of course you became clear.
43:51You wonder what would happen.
43:51You're here.
43:52You're doing a show.
43:53Oh, yeah,
43:53no,
43:53everything's good now.
43:55But if you hadn't
43:56become clear,
43:56you'd...
43:57Who the hell knows?
43:58I'm lucky I didn't die.
43:59I'm sure you see people,
44:02after having this psychotic break,
44:04you cannot walk past
44:05a homeless person
44:06that rants
44:07without some empathy.
44:09Well,
44:09you have empathy
44:10and you're also like,
44:11you know,
44:11maybe we can,
44:12let's,
44:13you know,
44:13I have to fight the urge
44:14to be like,
44:14let's just sit down
44:15and figure out
44:15what the core of this is.
44:17Because,
44:17because honestly,
44:18some people are just psychotic.
44:19You know,
44:19and some people,
44:20they have that.
44:21I mean,
44:21we were afforded the luxury
44:22of having a vacation
44:24in that area
44:25for whatever reason.
44:26You know,
44:27but I do,
44:28like,
44:28the scariest part
44:29about the brain
44:30is that it's,
44:31there's so much of it
44:32that it's just operating
44:33without your permission.
44:35And you don't know
44:36where it's going
44:36to fucking take you.
44:37I mean,
44:37you said you have
44:37a little OCD.
44:38I mean,
44:39that kind of stuff
44:39drives me nuts, man.
44:40I mean,
44:41like,
44:41why can't,
44:42I just checked the gas.
44:43I'm going back
44:44a third time?
44:45I mean,
44:45where's the logic in that?
44:47It's so fragile,
44:48let alone you put
44:49a bunch of chemicals in it.
44:50Oh, yeah.
44:51So you're sober,
44:53clean and sober.
44:5415 years.
44:54And you?
44:55I fell off the leg.
44:58I had about two years.
45:00This guy's 15 fucking years.
45:02August 15 years.
45:03Not a lot of jinks in August.
45:04No, no, there you go.
45:05But then when you go back
45:06to the A meeting,
45:07this motherfucker,
45:08so then they're like,
45:09oh, you're all right.
45:11Shouldn't they be like,
45:11you motherfucker?
45:12You idiot.
45:13You were,
45:13you had a real life.
45:14I can do enough
45:14You deserve to be sober.
45:16I don't know how it works.
45:17I don't know how it works.
45:18I went to a Gambler's
45:19Anonymous meeting.
45:20What a bunch
45:21of fucking losers.
45:23That's the closest I've been.
45:25But tell me about AA.
45:26Did you ever go
45:27to the 12 Steps?
45:28Yeah, yeah.
45:28So you tell him.
45:29Well, I had a trouble.
45:31I went to AA
45:32and I was sent away.
45:34Forget about how bad
45:35AA is.
45:36Talk about yourself
45:37and your fucking
45:38demon rum.
45:39Well, I was sent away
45:40to a boarding school
45:41when I was,
45:42it was like a,
45:43no, but it was very culty.
45:44I had problems,
45:45you know.
45:46Are you serious?
45:47No, no.
45:47He's talking about,
45:48he's talking about
45:49who's responsible.
45:50No, no, no, no.
45:51So the reason AA
45:52didn't work for me
45:54is probably because
45:55I didn't put enough
45:55effort into it,
45:56but another part of it
45:57is when I first got to AA,
45:58it reminded me a lot
45:59of this boarding school
46:00cult or whatever.
46:01So I felt very culty.
46:02Now, do you think
46:03he has a psychotic break
46:04because he thinks
46:05his boarding school
46:05was a cult?
46:06No, it was shut down.
46:07It was officially shut.
46:08It was a cult.
46:09It was a cult.
46:10Here's the deal.
46:11He thinks his boarding school
46:12was a cult.
46:12Don't you think we would have
46:13read that in the newspaper?
46:14I think all boarding schools
46:15are cults.
46:16Oh, in some way, yes.
46:17We had to do
46:18four days alone in jobs.
46:19You got to wear the outfit.
46:20You got to get up
46:21and do the thing.
46:22You got to like something.
46:23And then they have recess.
46:24Yes.
46:24We had 24-hour long.
46:25You got to come back
46:26after recess.
46:26Yeah, yeah.
46:27Sleep deprivation.
46:28It's definitely
46:28a programming thing.
46:32Most people don't stay sober.
46:33That's the bottom line.
46:34And no matter what,
46:35no matter what approach
46:37they take,
46:37whether it's AA
46:38or the other thing
46:39or cold turkey
46:40or whatever,
46:40most people don't make it.
46:42AA has the most success.
46:44But you know,
46:44they always say
46:45you're going to end up dead
46:46or you're going to end up
46:48something else.
46:49Well, did you stop gambling?
46:50What about Charlie Sheen?
46:53What about him?
46:53They must be mad at that guy.
46:55No, he's very proud to be.
46:57He's lucky that he's going
46:58to keep going
46:59and I think he's decided
47:00how he's going to go.
47:01That's what I'm saying.
47:01He must make Dr. Drew mad
47:03and kind of like that.
47:04He has tiger blood.
47:04But I don't know.
47:05But then there's a question.
47:06It's like everybody's got
47:07their own free will
47:08and everybody can determine
47:09what kind of life
47:10they want to live.
47:10So I imagine that,
47:11you know,
47:12is Charlie Sheen,
47:13you know,
47:13deeply unhappy somewhere in there?
47:14But is he successful?
47:15Well, yeah,
47:16but I don't know
47:16if that's the issue.
47:17Obviously he's successful.
47:18This hasn't torn apart his life.
47:20I don't know
47:20if that's really true.
47:22I mean, you know,
47:22he's got a lot of money.
47:23Yeah, a lot of money,
47:25a lot of women.
47:25But there was a period there,
47:27you know,
47:27before Two and a Half Men
47:28where, you know,
47:29he was scrambling.
47:31You know,
47:31he always made money.
47:32But I wonder
47:33if you really look
47:34at Charlie Sheen
47:35and Wall Street
47:35and Platoon,
47:36you know,
47:37what could he have done
47:38hadn't he gone
47:39the way he went
47:40to, you know,
47:40to feed his nut?
47:42You know,
47:43I mean,
47:43he was a pretty gifted actor
47:45who could have done
47:46some pretty amazing things.
47:47I think he wanted to.
47:48Sure,
47:48he's got all the money
47:49in the world
47:49and he can do
47:50whatever the fuck he wants.
47:51You dated Moon Zappa?
47:52Briefly.
47:53Moon Zappa?
47:54Yeah, I love her.
47:55I bet when you were a kid
47:56you loved her father.
47:57I didn't understand him
47:59and not until recently
48:01did I start really doing it.
48:02Moon and I
48:03have known each other
48:04for a long time
48:04and then recently
48:05I was like,
48:06well,
48:06I'm free
48:07and she's finally free.
48:08We always sort of felt it.
48:09She seems like a draw.
48:10Like a sweet,
48:10funny girl.
48:11She's great.
48:11She's great
48:12and we dated for like five months
48:13and it was just,
48:14it didn't work out
48:16just because
48:16it didn't work out.
48:18But what about
48:19Cop Kisser?
48:19He says you're a person
48:20who's showing
48:21a lot of kindness
48:23to stray cats.
48:25Some people say
48:25that is because
48:27you don't like
48:28human beings.
48:29How is that true for you?
48:30It's not true at all.
48:31I mean,
48:32I like human beings a lot.
48:33The stray cat thing
48:34was sort of like,
48:35it was sort of imposed,
48:36it was a weird reason
48:37that I have those cats.
48:39Like I was living
48:39in Astoria, Queens.
48:41I was doing political radio.
48:43I was getting up
48:43at 3.30 in the morning
48:44to go do radio
48:45and I'd go put my garbage out
48:47and there were these five cats
48:48eating out of the garbage
48:49and I'm like,
48:49this is a disaster.
48:50They're all gonna fuck each other
48:52and we're gonna have
48:52a real problem.
48:54And like,
48:55so one night I'm like,
48:56I'm gonna,
48:56someone's gotta deal with this
48:57and then like that went on
48:59for like a week or so
48:59and I'm like,
49:00I guess I'm gonna deal with it
49:01and I trapped all these cats
49:02in boxes
49:03and I brought them
49:04into my apartment
49:04not knowing they were feral.
49:06So they're not,
49:07once they're eating on their own,
49:08they're not cute cats,
49:09they're wild animals.
49:10So now I got-
49:11Feral cats.
49:11Yeah,
49:11four feral cats in my apartment
49:13and I can't get them
49:14out of the apartment now.
49:15It's a disaster.
49:16And like,
49:17I'm on the radio
49:18telling people,
49:18help me,
49:19please,
49:20is there a cat lady
49:21that can come over
49:22and deal with this
49:22and eventually I had cages
49:24in my apartment
49:24where we're inoculating cats.
49:26It was crazy.
49:27But I still have two cats
49:28from that original troupe.
49:30Really?
49:30Yeah,
49:3010 years later.
49:32They live,
49:32they live real long cats.
49:34Yeah,
49:34I love them
49:35and they've sort of,
49:35they've relaxed
49:36and I take care of some strays.
49:38And you had a question
49:39of some music.
49:39I like people though.
49:40I like people.
49:41I know you like people.
49:43He had a,
49:43you like music,
49:44you weren't gonna ask him
49:45a question about the guy
49:46that was in Stray Cats
49:47or some fucking thing?
49:48Brian Setzer,
49:49I was not.
49:50He's a good guitar player.
49:51He is a great guitar player.
49:52Hell of a picker.
49:54Jimi Hendrix and I think
49:55Led Zeppelin at the peak
49:56of their thing
49:57would have been good.
49:57Zeppelin, sure.
49:57Yeah.
49:58But I like Zappa now.
49:59Like, you know,
49:59when I,
50:00it was weird.
50:00Lester, Flat, Neural, Scruggs?
50:02Sure.
50:03Yeah.
50:03But when I was dating Moon,
50:05it was right around the time
50:06that I started,
50:07you know,
50:07getting into Zappa.
50:08So I kind of get Zappa.
50:10Hot rats.
50:10I wish that,
50:11Hot rats, yes.
50:12This guy says,
50:13this guy,
50:14SausageKing818,
50:15says,
50:15the most interesting thing
50:16about the title
50:17of your podcast,
50:19WTF,
50:21is that it takes longer
50:22to say WTF
50:24than it does to say
50:25WTF.
50:26I never thought of that.
50:28That guy's really doing
50:29some big thinking.
50:32I don't know where
50:32he gets his ideas for.
50:34Yeah, I wonder.
50:35He worked that out.
50:36That was a bizarre one.
50:40Do you think
50:40stand-up comedy
50:41has to contain truth
50:43to have integrity?
50:44I don't even know
50:44what that means.
50:45No.
50:45Oh, who are you
50:46most jealous of?
50:47Right now?
50:50Not when I get
50:51the Late Late Show,
50:52but right now.
50:54My jealousy is tempered,
50:56you know,
50:57lately.
50:57I don't know that I'm,
50:59I don't have the,
50:59a jealous icon right now.
51:03Yeah.
51:03Yeah, there's still
51:04this sort of,
51:04like, I still have
51:05part of my brain,
51:05even though I'm doing
51:06everything I've set out
51:07to do and want to do
51:08and I have more freedom
51:09than most people doing it,
51:11there's still always
51:11that thing,
51:12it's like,
51:12well, it could be more.
51:13Do you remember
51:14there was a guy
51:14who had a one-man show
51:15that was called
51:16How, can a handsome,
51:18can a man this handsome
51:19be funny?
51:19Was that Bob Duback?
51:21Was it?
51:22Yes, it was.
51:23He wasn't even
51:24the one I was talking about.
51:25And he named the show.
51:27He still does those shows.
51:30Well, no,
51:31I don't know.
51:32He goes on the road,
51:32I think.
51:33He does subscription theaters
51:34or something,
51:34but I ran into him
51:35and he's still,
51:36he's sort of like,
51:37I do my own thing
51:38and I'm like,
51:38but he was one of those guys
51:39where it's like,
51:40what are you doing here?
51:42And so he's found his,
51:44I don't know,
51:44he's got a very
51:47inflated sense of himself.
51:48Yeah.
51:49I had one last question,
51:50actually.
51:52We've been trying.
51:53I'm sweating.
51:53I think this is the last one
51:54before we go to break,
51:55actually.
51:56So we've been trying.
51:57We're going to break.
51:58We've got to be back.
51:59We'll be back.
52:03Back with legendary
52:05stand-up comic,
52:06That's very nice.
52:07Marc Maron.
52:08Appreciate that.
52:08And a pioneer.
52:10They say pioneers
52:11end up with arrows
52:12in their back.
52:13Yeah.
52:14But not you.
52:15Not yet.
52:15Not yet.
52:16I imagine they're coming.
52:18Here's jokes.
52:19Here's a good joke
52:20for me.
52:20I always like to read jokes.
52:22Okay.
52:22Would you like to read a joke?
52:23Sure.
52:23Here you go.
52:26You want me to just do it
52:27to camera?
52:27Yeah, you can do it
52:27to camera.
52:28You're a good reader.
52:29An 89-year-old Washington man
52:31fought off a robber
52:32with a golf club.
52:33Though to be fair,
52:34the only reason the guy
52:35was swinging the golf club
52:36was because he mistook
52:37the robber for
52:38the grim specter of death.
52:40Oh, goodness.
52:41Goodness gracious.
52:42What kind of joke is it?
52:43I don't know.
52:44It's Adam Egan's
52:45going to read one now.
52:46That's not a joke.
52:47It's sort of not.
52:48Why can't I have a good joke
52:49with a good punchline?
52:50I'll get you a good one.
52:50I'll get you a good one.
52:51Does that make sense to you?
52:52You're a golf guy.
52:54It makes some sense.
52:57Is that a tag, though?
52:59Because the guy
53:00who was swinging the club
53:00was because he mistook
53:01the robber
53:02for the grim specter of death.
53:04No.
53:06It's not a joke.
53:07Right.
53:08Yeah.
53:08We'll get you a joke.
53:09Go ahead.
53:10A Pakistani father
53:11stoned his daughter to death
53:13for marrying a man
53:14of her own choosing,
53:15which means Pakistan's
53:16tourism board
53:17is going to have to
53:17find a new slogan
53:18to replace
53:19come to Pakistan
53:20three whole days
53:21without anyone
53:21being brutally stoned
53:22to death
53:23by her own father.
53:25You like that one?
53:26These are
53:26Norm McCallum's.
53:27No, here, this is a
53:28this is an actual joke.
53:31That's what I was laughing at.
53:33Mark, this is an actual joke.
53:34This is an actual joke.
53:35This is a Norm joke.
53:35This is an actual joke.
53:36It's kind of a weird feeling
53:38watching the Flintstones lately.
53:41Yeah, it's weird
53:42watching the Flintstones.
53:43Yeah, now, yeah.
53:44How so?
53:44With their Stone Age
53:45driving movies
53:46and their caveman bowling,
53:48it just seems so dated.
53:50It does, in a way.
53:55Do you know who Ives and
53:57Currier and Ives are?
53:59No.
53:59I don't either.
54:01Really?
54:01That's where that's going to end?
54:02Do you know who
54:02Currier and Ives?
54:03Uh, is, no.
54:04Oh, Currier the font?
54:06Ah, the font.
54:09Hey, a cowboy at a rodeo
54:11in Georgia used his lasso
54:12to apprehend a gunman.
54:14At least this is according
54:16to a recent segment
54:16of America's hottest
54:17new game show,
54:20Georgia Police Blotter
54:21or episode synopsis
54:23from Walker, Texas Ranger.
54:25It's a long one.
54:26I know.
54:27Too long.
54:27It wasn't beaded out properly.
54:30Where did these come from?
54:31Here's one for you.
54:32This seems sort of like you.
54:33An Orlando police officer's
54:35press conference
54:36on curving gun violence
54:37was interrupted
54:38by gunshots.
54:40Witnesses say
54:40the shots were incredibly loud.
54:42Not as loud
54:43as the deafening irony.
54:46But still pretty loud.
54:47Hey, All My Children
54:48star Matthew Cowles.
54:49You ever watch
54:50All My Children?
54:51Sure.
54:51Well, All My Children
54:53star Matthew Cowles
54:54has died at the age of 69.
54:56Oh.
54:57Or has he?
54:58Oh.
55:01It's a, what is
55:02All My Children called?
55:03Huh?
55:04It's called a...
55:05Soap Opera.
55:05Soap Opera.
55:06Yes.
55:06Yeah.
55:06Soap Opera.
55:07Where do you get these jokes?
55:09Ah, some guy.
55:12Research shows
55:14the obesity epidemic
55:15is primarily affecting
55:16lower-income Americans.
55:17No lower-income Americans
55:19could be reached for comment
55:20because they were busy
55:21waddling around Six Flags,
55:23gnawing on a giant turkey leg
55:25and waiting in line
55:25to buy an airbrush
55:26Yosemite Sam tank top.
55:28Classist.
55:30Classist and also
55:31three unsuccessful beats
55:32at the end.
55:33I know, right?
55:35Well, that's him.
55:37Not quite...
55:37Yeah, that's just me.
55:38That's not the joke.
55:38We can't put him
55:39that joke on that.
55:40Miss Nevada
55:41is the new Miss USA.
55:45I now must apologize
55:46to Miss Delaware.
55:48I actually have nothing to do...
55:50I actually have nothing to do
55:52with the final decision,
55:53but I will treasure
55:53our evening together forever.
55:57That's pretty good.
55:59Oh, did you hear
56:00about John Kerry?
56:01This is torn right out
56:02of today's house.
56:03Oh, yeah.
56:03Today's paper.
56:04John Kerry says
56:05the latest terrorist threats
56:07against America
56:07are baloney.
56:08Quote, unquote, baloney.
56:10Then he went on to shout,
56:12why don't you pussies
56:13put your money
56:14where your mouth is?
56:15He's not.
56:16In quotes.
56:17Not.
56:17Here's another of the same.
56:19Which do you think is better?
56:20Secretary of State Kerry
56:21calls the latest
56:22terrorist threats baloney.
56:24On his lunch meat
56:25danger scale,
56:26that's more dangerous
56:27than salami,
56:28but not as dangerous
56:29as turkey loaf.
56:30Did you ever eat
56:31pimento loaf as a boy?
56:33No.
56:34I mean, I saw it.
56:35What about this?
56:36I'd say I tasted it.
56:37How about head cheese?
56:38Oh, God, yeah.
56:39I never ate it,
56:40but I saw it.
56:40You know what it is, huh?
56:41Sure, it's head.
56:42Yeah.
56:43They call it cheese, but...
56:45I don't know why it's cheese.
56:45It's just a head
56:46floating in goop.
56:47Yeah.
56:48Like a gelled goop.
56:49And then they say,
56:49let's put cheese
56:50because no one will buy head.
56:51Yeah.
56:52But some people...
56:53I mean, this guy will buy head.
56:54I was in Montreal
56:56at that restaurant.
56:57Yeah.
56:59Cochon de whatever.
57:01Something de Cochon.
57:03Yeah.
57:03You know what I'm talking about?
57:04Yes, I do.
57:05Like a pig.
57:06Yeah, yeah.
57:07The pide de Cochon.
57:08Yeah.
57:08Right.
57:09They make their own head cheese.
57:10And I'm like, really?
57:11Why would anyone...
57:12I thought that was garbage meat.
57:13But no, they're making it
57:14right out of the head.
57:15You can order a whole pig's head there.
57:17You can?
57:18For two.
57:19Only for two.
57:19It says pig's head for two.
57:20Pig's head for two.
57:21Sorry to spend on that.
57:23So you can order the pig's head
57:24and just sit there
57:25and nibble on it.
57:26Jesus Christ.
57:26But so I ordered
57:27the house made head cheese
57:28and even then
57:30it was hard to get through.
57:32I was in Cambodia
57:33once.
57:33I ate a brain.
57:34It was brain.
57:35Really?
57:36Yeah, mine was stupid.
57:37Now,
57:39what about this joke here?
57:41The world's oldest man,
57:44a 111-year-old parapsychologist,
57:47has passed away.
57:48He now knows for sure
57:49what all that stuff
57:50he believed in was bullshit.
57:51Oh, shoot.
57:53That's depressing.
57:54He now knows for sure
57:55all that stuff he believed in was.
57:56You really got to know
57:57what a parapsychologist is.
57:58I know.
57:59That's a weird word.
58:01Parapsychologist.
58:01The world's oldest man,
58:02this one says,
58:03Alexander Image.
58:05Is it the same guy
58:05who passed away at 111?
58:07Yeah.
58:07Is that what your card says?
58:08Same guy, yeah.
58:08Same guy.
58:10And the world's youngest man,
58:11Declan McAllister,
58:13was just born.
58:13Oh, wait.
58:14Correction.
58:14The world's youngest man,
58:16Fan Wu Chang,
58:17was just born.
58:17Wait.
58:18No, it's Gaston McLe...
58:20No.
58:22Javier Gutierrez.
58:23No.
58:23It's Taki Yamashati.
58:25No.
58:26There's...
58:26Ah, goddammit.
58:27No wonder they don't
58:28keep track of the youngest man.
58:31It's a long way to go.
58:33That's what I'm saying
58:33in the business.
58:34I know.
58:35You want to do
58:35one last joke?
58:36Yeah.
58:37It's a little controversial.
58:39In these days.
58:40Okay, let me have it.
58:46A list of the world's top
58:4725 amusement parks
58:49was released this week
58:50with Disney's Magic Kingdom
58:52coming in at number one,
58:53not making the list,
58:55Kyle's Rape Dungeon.
58:57Oh, the great Mark Maron
59:00proving that rape can be
59:02in a joke
59:03and get a big laugh
59:04and be funny.
59:04It was handed to me,
59:06you saw it.
59:06Oh, no, we know.
59:07It was handed to me.
59:07We know.
59:08But through your sheer delivery,
59:11your tyranny of will,
59:13you made the joke funny.
59:14Yeah.
59:15That's the day
59:16Mark's career ended.
59:17No, no.
59:18Mark's career
59:18just taking off.
59:20Skyrocketed.
59:20At the age of 49.
59:2350.
59:2350.
59:23How old are you?
59:2450.
59:25Yeah.
59:25You're 50?
59:26Yes.
59:26But I'm on the decline.
59:28Are you?
59:29I think you're on the bounce back.
59:30I wonder if...
59:32Oh, well.
59:34Mark Maron.
59:35Thanks for having me.
59:35Thanks, buddy.
59:36Thanks for being here.
59:37Yeah, yeah.
59:37That's good to see you.
59:38That was a lot of fun.
59:40Thanks, buddy.
59:40Thanks, buddy.
59:41Thanks, buddy.
59:41Thanks, buddy.
59:41Thanks, buddy.
59:41Thanks, buddy.
59:41Thanks, buddy.
59:42Thanks, buddy.
59:44Thanks, buddy.
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