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00:02Norm, thanks for coming in today.
00:04Yeah, yeah, thanks. The office looks good.
00:06I haven't been here for a while, but how are you doing?
00:09Well, I'm in this, um...
00:11It's a recovery program, Norm, and I'm at step number nine.
00:14It's an important step, and it's the part where I apologize
00:17to all the people I've done wrong.
00:19I'm very sorry. Are you an alcoholic?
00:21No. Well, yes, but that's not the problem.
00:24I'm also addicted to cocaine, which I think right now
00:26is the perfect time to do a little cocaine.
00:28Whoa! Cocaine? I don't want to do cocaine.
00:30I don't do cocaine.
00:32Are you sure? You paid for it.
00:33What do you mean, I paid for it?
00:35That's the other addiction, Norm.
00:37I'm horribly addicted to embezzling.
00:39You're addicted to embezzling? I've never heard of that.
00:42It's an addiction, and in particular,
00:44I'm addicted to embezzling your money, Norm.
00:46You embezzled my money.
00:47All of it.
00:49So I'm broke.
00:51No, Norm, you're not broke.
00:53Oh, thank goodness.
00:54You're in terrible debt.
00:56I'm in debt?
00:58Oh, no.
00:59Terrible, terrible debt.
01:00Crushing debt.
01:01Two, three million dollars.
01:03Oh, my God!
01:04Maybe more.
01:04I've been so busy embezzling,
01:05I haven't really been keeping track.
01:06This doesn't mean...
01:09I'm afraid it does, Norm.
01:11You have to go back to the podcast.
01:14No!
01:17No!
01:24No!
01:25Tony Romano joins us.
01:26But before that, my trusty sidekick...
01:31What the fuck's your name?
01:33Adam Egan.
01:33Adam Egan is with us to speak and talk to...
01:37How about that cold opening?
01:38Wasn't that funny?
01:39That was funny.
01:39Yeah, that was funny.
01:40Yeah, that was Brent played my...
01:41It wasn't real.
01:42Yeah, I'm quite aware of that.
01:43Yeah, Brent played my money manager,
01:46and then it turned out I was broke.
01:48Did you see it?
01:49I watched it.
01:50It was funny.
01:51It was very funny.
01:51Where the hell have you actually been, though?
01:55What happened?
01:56Yeah, I'm sorry about that.
01:58I should've...
02:00I should've told you.
02:01Yeah, you should've,
02:02because we had a lot of good guests,
02:04and we had a lot of hard work.
02:05I threw away my phone,
02:06so if you try to get a hold of me...
02:07Yeah, I tried calling you over and over again.
02:09The week after Gilbert...
02:10Gilbert was the...
02:11Did you keep doing the podcast?
02:13No.
02:13No?
02:14No.
02:15We literally canceled on the president.
02:18We had Barack Obama was in the studio.
02:20Barack Hussein Obama?
02:21Yeah, Barack Obama was in the studio.
02:23He was gonna do it?
02:24Yeah, he was lined up.
02:25And you weren't around answering your phone,
02:28so we ended up doing Zach Galifianakis's.
02:31He did Zach Galifianakis' show?
02:33Yeah.
02:33I have a feud with Zach Galifianakis.
02:35That's not gonna help.
02:36That's not gonna help the feud.
02:37No.
02:37Point to Zach.
02:38Oh, well.
02:39We had so many good guests lined up.
02:42Things came up.
02:42You flew all...
02:43I don't know where you went.
02:44We had Mickey Rooney?
02:45Mickey Rooney?
02:46Yeah.
02:47That'd be great.
02:47We should get him.
02:48No, he died.
02:49Mickey Rooney died?
02:50He died last week.
02:51Where have you been?
02:52Oh, Mount Ararat.
02:53Where is that?
02:54Oh, it's far away.
02:57I've had a weird seven months, I gotta tell you.
03:00What happened?
03:01Well, it started, I was plagued by dreams.
03:06What kind of dreams?
03:07What are you talking about?
03:08Well, nightmares.
03:10God came to me.
03:11You spoke to God through your dreams?
03:14Yeah.
03:14Told me to build an ark.
03:17Okay, so told you to build an ark.
03:20Yeah, he had some plan.
03:21He said I should build an ark and then get two of every animal on earth.
03:26That sounds familiar, okay.
03:28So you built an ark?
03:31Well, I don't know, what's an ark when you think about it?
03:37It's a large vessel.
03:39Well, that's what God said.
03:41So many cubits and all that.
03:43So you went out and got two of every animal?
03:45Yeah, well, I started, I got two dogs.
03:48Uh-huh.
03:49I borrowed them from Elaine Boosler.
03:52Okay.
03:53And then I got two cats.
03:55They were my own.
03:56Okay.
03:58Kitty and Bobby.
03:59Kitty and Bobby.
04:00Yeah, you know them.
04:01Princess Kitty McMahon and Bobby.
04:04And Bobby died.
04:08She fell off Mount Ararat.
04:12That's where I was building the ark.
04:14Why would you go up to Mount Ararat?
04:16You didn't want to build your-
04:17Because God kept saying there was going to be a fucking flood.
04:20Oh.
04:22Well, how-
04:23So, that's where you've been for the last eight months.
04:26Yes.
04:26You've been-
04:27How long did it take to build-
04:28So you were on Mount Ararat, built the ark.
04:31Yeah.
04:32No flood came.
04:33I don't know how to build arks.
04:36I don't know.
04:36Didn't God give you instructions?
04:38Nah.
04:40So you're up there with Bobby, Princess Kitty McMahon, and Elaine Boosler's two dogs for some reason.
04:45Here's the problem.
04:46When you have a dream like that, you go, is it really God?
04:48Or was it just my dream?
04:51Was it just a fantasy in my mind?
04:54You know?
04:55Because I stopped doing a whole bunch of pills.
04:58That's when the dream started.
05:00Good Lord.
05:02Yeah.
05:02And then he told me to murder my son.
05:08Jesus, Norm.
05:10Yeah, yeah.
05:11So anyways, I take my son up to Mount Ararat, show him the ark.
05:17It's not-
05:18The ark is-
05:19It sounds like it looks like a bunch of shit.
05:23I'm like, don't swear, Dylan, you know?
05:25Meanwhile, I know I'm about to murder him, you know?
05:29So I got a big stick, you know, that I thought I could murder him with, that was meant for
05:38the ark.
05:38Uh-huh.
05:39And I say, Dylan, what do you think of the view of Mount Ararat, right?
05:44And I go to hit him in the back thinking that'll knock him off Mount Ararat.
05:47That's terrible.
05:49And he'll plunge to his death.
05:50Yeah, but then I'll be in God's favor.
05:52So I hit him with the thing.
05:55Yeah.
05:56And he, it doesn't knock him off.
05:59Oh, thank God.
06:00Yeah.
06:00And he beats the shit out of him.
06:03Right?
06:03My own son.
06:05Does any of this make sense?
06:07No.
06:07Adam's gone away?
06:09Adam, I made all this up.
06:10Oh.
06:11Yes.
06:12It's a lesson.
06:13Man, am I red in the face.
06:14It's a lesson to where extremism can take you.
06:19Well, I think you've made your point.
06:22Everything in moderation.
06:24You know what I mean?
06:25Right.
06:27Extremism, what could it lead to?
06:30It could lead to you trying to murder your own child.
06:33Exactly.
06:33Okay.
06:34I made it all up.
06:35Okay.
06:36It's a table.
06:37It's a table.
06:39You had me.
06:40You're good.
06:41Thanks.
06:42You're good.
06:43We'll be back.
06:44Who was our guest?
06:45Ray Romano.
06:45Ray Romano.
06:46After this.
06:56Our guest tonight for the full hour.
06:58That's what Larry Goodman says.
07:00Hour.
07:01He didn't know it was an hour.
07:02I already said this was an hour.
07:05It's Ray Romano.
07:07You know him from his Emmy award winning show.
07:09Everybody loves Raymond.
07:10His role as an animated mammoth in the Ice Age films.
07:13And he's on NBC's Parenthood.
07:16I was just saying earlier that I like Parenthood now that I'm older.
07:19Are you going to keep the glasses?
07:20Sweet.
07:21In honor of us being older?
07:24In honor of the great show, Men of a Certain Age.
07:27Yes.
07:28By the way, now that I am older, whenever I act, if I ever get a chance to act, I
07:34want
07:35to do glasses because you want to put more on your face that takes away from the oldness
07:39of your face.
07:41You know what I mean?
07:41Because this way they can't see the wrinkles.
07:43I got you.
07:44I never thought of that.
07:45Yeah.
07:47I let that grow.
07:48And that distracts from, oh, look how old he got.
07:51Yeah.
07:51Yeah, yeah, yeah.
07:52But don't you find also, like, that everybody's got cosmetic surgery, so there's no old guys
07:58except Bill Murray?
08:02So he gets all the cool independent movies and stuff?
08:04You mean the men, too?
08:05Yeah, you think the men, too?
08:06I think so.
08:07I remember one time, Jackie Gleason got it.
08:10I was like, what the fuck?
08:11Like, why does Jackie Gleason get a face?
08:13He got a tuck or some shit.
08:15And his face was all like, he couldn't do his funny stuff anymore.
08:18He was in that movie with Tom Hanks.
08:20He couldn't do blabbermouth.
08:22Nothing in Common?
08:24What?
08:25Is that what it's called?
08:25Nothing in Common.
08:26Oh, the movie with Hanks, yeah.
08:29Yeah, yeah.
08:29That was the last one, right?
08:31I think so.
08:32I think he...
08:32You know who did Jackie Gleason?
08:34Brad Garrett.
08:35Brad Garrett played Jackie Gleason.
08:37How did that happen?
08:38A super tall guy.
08:40But he did it.
08:41He was great.
08:41Jackie Gleason.
08:42Yeah, the tall years or something.
08:44I don't know.
08:45I just saw Brad yesterday.
08:46We were...
08:46Brad, you were just inducted into the Television Hall of Fame.
08:50The National Association of Broadcasting.
08:53National Association of Broadcasters Hall of Fame.
08:55Yeah.
08:56That's pretty good.
08:56I don't really know what that is, but it was an honor.
08:59It was yesterday.
09:00Yeah.
09:00Did you know that?
09:02Not until just now.
09:05And Brad Garrett seemed like a long shot.
09:10I remember him because he was so crazy tall.
09:14You'd see him at the improv and you'd go, how could he be cast in anything?
09:17Well, he wasn't...
09:18You know, we wrote the show based on my life, so it was based on my brother in real life,
09:24who really was a cop, a New York City cop, but he was like 5'10".
09:28And he had this kind of bitterness, but nothing like Brad brought into it, into the role.
09:36So that was a lucky accident.
09:38And he had bitterness about you, your success?
09:40He coined the phrase, this is what nobody knows, which is what I hate, is that everybody loves Raymond.
09:46Which you hate that title.
09:48Yeah, yeah.
09:49It wasn't a title I wanted.
09:51It was a quote from my brother, said sarcastically, in real life.
09:56Ah.
09:56Yeah, he came over to my house, he saw the...
09:58I won like a Cable Ace Award, which we don't...
10:00Yeah.
10:02And he said, look at the...
10:03What's this?
10:04I go, yeah, I got it at the...
10:05They just gave me an award.
10:07And he just goes, look at this, look at our lives.
10:10You know, he was a cop, a New York City cop.
10:12He said, people spit at me, they shoot at me.
10:15Everybody loves Raymond.
10:16Yeah.
10:18And so that got in the show, and then Phil Rosenthal said, let's use it as a working title.
10:23Yeah.
10:23It's a working title.
10:24And I said, oh, it's going to stick.
10:26And sure enough...
10:27You called it...
10:28Was he your first choice, Brad?
10:29It should have had quotation marks about it.
10:32No, Brad, Brad, they were casting.
10:34You know, I was in New York, and they would keep telling me who they think is up for it.
10:38And then they said, we found a good choice for the brother, Brad Garrett.
10:43And I said, you know, because all I knew him was from Star Search.
10:45Yeah, yeah.
10:46And he won.
10:47He won the first year of Star Search.
10:49So I knew of him, and I knew he was this giant...
10:51Impressionist.
10:52Yeah.
10:53I said, what?
10:54And Stu Smiley from HBO said, he did this unique take on it.
10:59And I saw it, and yeah.
11:00It was a lucky...
11:01That's amazing.
11:02We didn't write that.
11:03That wasn't on the page, that persona.
11:05Yeah, yeah.
11:06And he brought that in.
11:07Does he live in Las Vegas?
11:08No, but he has a place there, because he has that club.
11:11I saw him there.
11:12He's almost like Rickles now.
11:14Oh, yeah.
11:15And he's got, like, a very young girlfriend.
11:18Uh-huh.
11:18She was 25 when they met, and she's...
11:22I don't think she's 30.
11:23I think they've been together for a while, but...
11:25There's two kinds of guys.
11:26I feel like you and me, we couldn't be with a young girl.
11:29We'd feel too old.
11:31Yeah.
11:31And then there's other guys, they like young girls.
11:34Like...
11:34Well, it's the same theory as Vegas.
11:36You just...
11:37Good in and get out.
11:39I wouldn't want to stick around.
11:42But, uh...
11:43But Brad, you know, she's great, and Brad...
11:45Brad's the first one to tell you.
11:47He'll joke about it, you know?
11:48He says, every time she leaves the house, I gotta put out an Amber Alert.
11:51You know?
11:52Um, but...
11:54And her father was there.
11:55She was there this weekend.
11:56Her father's younger than us.
11:58Her father's younger.
11:58Oh, my God.
12:02This guy's young, but...
12:03I mean, I'm 35.
12:0535, yeah.
12:06Okay, man.
12:07That seems young now to me.
12:09I'm at that age where...
12:12This is like Bob Hope talking to George Burns.
12:15Yeah.
12:15Well, we're not old, but, you know, you know what it is.
12:18We're all right.
12:19Well, that's what they said in my act.
12:20In my act, and I do a thing about the friends...
12:22You want...
12:23You can't have enough doctor friends.
12:26Right?
12:27Because you don't have time to make friends.
12:29You know, if you're...
12:30Because you're in the public eye, people want to be your friend.
12:33Right.
12:34And the only one I can allow in is a doctor.
12:39And that's what I've noticed, like, as you get older, the different friends you want.
12:44Like, in your teens, you want the kid, the first kid who has a car.
12:48Right.
12:49Yeah, he's very popular.
12:50Yeah, it says a lot about who you're in.
12:52Right.
12:52All my friends work in donut shops at the moment.
12:54I'm trying to wait.
12:56Yeah.
12:56Like, I can tell exactly your age, but...
12:58Like, in your 20s, then you got the kid who can get you tickets somewhere or something.
13:03You know, whatever it is.
13:04The kid who has connections.
13:05Like, you can get your REO Speedwagon.
13:07Yeah, yeah.
13:08It doesn't seem like a lot, but 30 years ago.
13:11Then in your 30s and your 40s, it's good to have lawyer friends, because shit's gonna happen.
13:18Oh, there's trouble, yeah.
13:18Yeah, you gotta get the boys, you gotta get...
13:21Arbitration.
13:22You gotta get your dick off the internet.
13:23The picture of your dick is on the internet somewhere.
13:25Yeah.
13:26Do you miss those simpler times, like, before all the success?
13:29A lot of guys, they pine for when you were broke and struggling.
13:33When you had youth?
13:34Well, not specifically youth.
13:36Well, no, but I know what you're talking about, because, to quote Neil Sedaka,
13:42I miss the hungry years.
13:44I miss the hungry years.
13:47I was asked, Neil Sedaka quote on me.
13:50You know what's funny is, I said that in an article once, I quoted Neil Sedaka,
13:53because I have that song on my iPod, I miss the hungry years.
13:56Yeah.
13:57And he came back his age to my show.
13:59That is, yeah.
14:00Yeah, yeah.
14:02Listen.
14:03I don't know.
14:03What about when guys tell you about gay guys that just, like, John Wayne or Broderick Crawford?
14:09You're like, that can't be true.
14:10Like, they picked the most masculine guy.
14:12But it's like, you know, it's like the rumors about the...
14:15Like the emergency room with the...
14:18Yeah.
14:18The gerbil.
14:19Whatever.
14:20Everybody knows somebody who has a cousin who was in the...
14:22No, you don't.
14:23Yeah, they're lying.
14:24They're flat out lying.
14:25Yeah.
14:25Or they believe it themselves, right?
14:27No, but like there was a...
14:30What was the Rod Stewart one?
14:31Yeah.
14:32Yeah, where he had to have the stomach pumped.
14:33Okay.
14:34Well, we don't have to say it.
14:35Oh, yeah.
14:35He swallowed a whole bunch of cum or something.
14:38Yeah, yeah.
14:38That's exactly what it is.
14:39No, we don't have to say it on TV.
14:41This is almost like TV.
14:42No, but it's all bullshit.
14:43I guess you're right.
14:43Yeah.
14:43No, it's horse shit.
14:44Yeah.
14:45The only true thing is he's a soccer player.
14:47And this is how lame I am.
14:48The biggest one for me was that I have a peanut allergy.
14:51Not kidding.
14:52That came out...
14:53That was a rumor about you.
14:55Yes, that was in the Inquirer that I was rushed to the hospital because I had a peanut allergy.
15:00And I still get the Peanut Allergy Association asking me to speak and everything like this.
15:07And I think that's a good indication of how successful.
15:09I was in the National Inquirer once with Adam Egert, this guy.
15:12Right.
15:14And so we were at the...
15:16He used to manage a Tempe Improv.
15:18Did you ever do the Tempe Improv?
15:19I did.
15:20How did I remember this?
15:21Incredible club.
15:22No, we went to that casino.
15:23The basketball or poker...
15:24Casino.
15:25Yeah, the casino.
15:25So we went to the casino and then before, you know, we played poker until the show.
15:30And then, I don't know who writes for the National Inquirer, but it's sort of truthful,
15:36you know?
15:37And they go...
15:37I don't know.
15:38I mean...
15:38They go like, Norm MacDonald was, you know, he said, I'm not...
15:43You know, they always talk in a certain way.
15:45Like, I'm not leaving.
15:46You'd have to drag me away.
15:47I'm winning.
15:48I'm up.
15:49So apparently I didn't do the show.
15:51But anyway, they showed a picture of me from the World Series of Poker where it was like
15:54the third day and I was like...
15:57So I'm like, it was just a bunch of chimps and I'm like half asleep.
16:00Did they take a picture from somewhere else?
16:02Yeah.
16:02Used that.
16:03Did you play in the World Series?
16:05Yeah.
16:06I don't play in the main event anymore.
16:08What was the last experience like?
16:09Because I can go deep in...
16:10That's the only one I play in.
16:11I just go and do the main event.
16:13It's hard, the main event.
16:14Well, you do one of the other things?
16:15Yeah, like a smaller field so you have a chance.
16:19What?
16:19What was the last experience like when they...
16:22You didn't do very well.
16:24Something happened.
16:25I don't know what you're talking about.
16:26I think they had to call you back.
16:27Oh, yeah.
16:28No, I've had bad fucking experiences.
16:29Like one time, I was holding a king and the board was king 9954 or something.
16:38And the other guy goes, I got two pair, but I also had two pair.
16:42I'm like, ah, fuck.
16:44I throw my cards in the air and then I realized that I also have two pairs.
16:48So I go to grab the cards like this and then I crunch them up into all the cards.
16:52So I have a whole bunch of crunch cards and deals like you lose.
16:56Everyone's mad at me.
16:57You mucked them.
16:59And then I left and then they go over a loudspeaker.
17:02They go, Norm MacDonald, you still have like $15.
17:06So I had to go all the way through.
17:07Everyone's looking at me.
17:08I instantly lose it.
17:12It's humiliating too because they keep a camera on you as a celebrity, right?
17:15Yes, yes, yes.
17:16Until you lose and then they just show you when you lose.
17:18But it's so exhilarating playing in that main event.
17:22And I know, I don't know why, because it's so devastating.
17:27When you lose, I played three days.
17:29I lasted three days this year.
17:30That's weird.
17:31It's like getting a puppy.
17:33It's the most beautiful thing in the world in the beginning,
17:37but you know it's going to end in tragedy.
17:39You know, it's just going to end.
17:40That's what you're saying.
17:42There's shit all over the place.
17:43No, it's metaphors.
17:46He's going to die.
17:46Right.
17:47I thought it was going in a different direction.
17:49No, no, I know.
17:50You thought he meant shit all over the place?
17:52I thought it's an adorable thing, but then it's going to shit all over.
17:55No, no, that it's terminal.
17:57No.
17:57It's like dating a terminally ill girl.
18:00You're going to outlive it.
18:01Gotcha.
18:03He hasn't outlived the dog here.
18:04Yes, that's why if you get a tortoise.
18:08Yeah, that's your bet.
18:10You can give it to your kid, will it to your grandson.
18:13Yeah.
18:14Or get a fruit fly and it's over in a day.
18:17Yeah.
18:17Yeah.
18:18The heartbreak isn't so bad.
18:19Yeah, it's one day.
18:20Should we go to a break?
18:21Yeah, they were saying that.
18:22Andy's saying we've got to go to a break.
18:23Oh yeah, there's breaks.
18:25We've got to pay the bills.
18:29We're back.
18:32We have a surprise, right?
18:33We do.
18:34He sent this out.
18:35Yes.
18:36Well, I thought it would be a good idea.
18:38Ray Romano on the show.
18:40We put in a lot of work.
18:42It's exciting.
18:42It wasn't easy.
18:44The guy's pretty busy.
18:45But we have a special guest caller.
18:48Unfortunately, couldn't be here.
18:49He's an incredibly busy guy.
18:50But you worked with this gentleman on your incredibly successful series,
18:56Everybody Loves Raymond, for nine seasons.
18:58Mm-hmm.
18:59Couldn't be here, unfortunately, in person.
19:01But live via satellite or on the phone?
19:05Skype.
19:05Is he on Skype?
19:06Skype.
19:07Live via Skype.
19:08There he is.
19:10There he is.
19:11Cousin...
19:11Fred!
19:12It's Cousin Fred Stoller.
19:14That was Gerard.
19:15Gerard.
19:16Yeah, I know.
19:16But I call him Cousin Fred Stoller.
19:19Well, Edward has glasses because I'm doing a one-man show about the mail.
19:24Oh, yes.
19:25You do Bob Duback's act now.
19:27Yeah, I'm so good-looking, but I'm intelligent.
19:30That was Bob Duback's act.
19:32He had a one-man show called, Can a man this handsome be funny?
19:36Yeah.
19:37I wanted to do that.
19:38Titled it himself.
19:39I'm looking at myself, so I'm out of sync, right?
19:42Yeah, you're a little out of sync, but you look good, Fred.
19:44Thank you, Ray.
19:45He's definitely ill.
19:46Thank you very much.
19:47You wrote the forward to my book.
19:49I appreciate it.
19:50Thank you both.
19:51You're welcome.
19:51By the way, the story of the first time I, not the first time I met Fred.
19:57Yeah.
19:57The first time I knew of Fred was when I was doing open mic nights and whatever.
20:02And I was sitting in the comic strip trying to go on late night at the bar.
20:08And about four or five people coming out of the room congratulated me on the set I just had.
20:14And it was Fred who they had seen on stage.
20:17No.
20:18They thought it was me.
20:19Yeah.
20:20Ray, when your show first started being big before, you know, this woman thought I was
20:26you and she gave out free Nike sneakers.
20:28So I was trying to go with it.
20:30Remember the woman from Nike?
20:31Yeah, yeah.
20:31The Nike woman.
20:32Yeah.
20:32Yeah.
20:33I tried, but then she caught on.
20:37I, I, I, you're such a nice guy.
20:40I still have the commemorative, how do you say ring you gave everyone?
20:44Yes, sir.
20:45Commemorative.
20:45What the fuck is going on?
20:47Two hundred and ten episodes and I was on seven of them.
20:50So I'm sitting in this place like a, no, it's all good.
20:55I, I, I, Ray, you're very nice now because the joke is I realized while waiting here that I'm a
21:01big letdown, that they're building up something big.
21:04Yeah.
21:05And I'm sitting here going, why am I doing this?
21:07But I guess I'm desperate.
21:09Wasn't, didn't Adam Egan explain the, the idea, the concept?
21:15Well, you, you pitched it to me.
21:16You go, this will be great for Ed.
21:18We'll get the build of Ray that someone really significant was hard to get.
21:22And it's you.
21:24It's, that's the joke.
21:25What happened?
21:25You couldn't get one of the kids?
21:26That we're on the show?
21:28He can, John Menpolati.
21:31Yeah, John Menpolati.
21:31He was bigger.
21:32He did more.
21:33Jesus.
21:34How many, how many do you do?
21:35How many episodes?
21:36I did a seven out of 210.
21:39See the ring?
21:40It says on the ring 210.
21:43I'm, I'm back to stand up.
21:45And my joke is the difference between being the cousin and the brother is $77 million.
21:51Is that where you, oh fuck, you're opening for me in Austin.
21:55Are you going to do that joke?
21:58It's time.
21:58When's the last time you did stand up?
22:01I, I, I, it was like 17 years, but I've been doing it.
22:04Okay.
22:05I'm not plugging the book, but this book that I'm being sued for this book.
22:10It's a long story that no one's read.
22:12I'm in the negative.
22:13Oh yeah.
22:13I saw.
22:14I read that.
22:14I read that.
22:15I'm in the negative, severe negative because of your introduction.
22:19People think it's legit and can sue.
22:22Um, no, I, um, but no, I, I, I, um, this Jewish book council tracked me down and said,
22:27will you do your act?
22:29So I, I went to flappers and Hermosa and little by little, and then they asked me back.
22:35So I'm just going where anyone asked me to be, including this abusive cameo.
22:40He calls me abusive.
22:41But are you going to do it anyway?
22:44I think I'm going to be doing some 25 year old jokes.
22:47Sure.
22:48Anyway.
22:48I have no pride.
22:50You know, these comedians, they go.
22:52Continental.
22:53I go on Continental.
22:54Oh, that's Bobby Collins.
22:57I do a different hour every year.
23:02I throw at the end.
23:03We were just talking about that earlier.
23:05Brian Regan used to go into a city and do a different hour, hour from Friday to Saturday
23:10night.
23:11So we'd get the same audience coming back.
23:13Wow.
23:13That was astonishing.
23:16What did Rodney Dangerfield say to you?
23:19Well, he said a lot of, uh, not nice things.
23:23He didn't know I was there.
23:24So I give him credit.
23:25Right.
23:26Remember you had the board at the improv where the names were?
23:29You didn't.
23:29Oh, yeah.
23:31So he comes in once.
23:33And he's a little hoozah.
23:34I have a friend.
23:34So what the fuck is that about?
23:36I'm sitting right there.
23:37The fuck.
23:38What was his advice to you?
23:39Yeah.
23:40He saw me at the comic strip improv in like 80.
23:43And he said, you took too many liberties.
23:45You pause.
23:46Yeah.
23:47You know, too many liberties.
23:49Too many liberties.
23:51Fine.
23:51You know, I would just get jokes.
23:52I think he just meant like, you know, no pauses.
23:55I've never seen Fred this animated.
23:59What do you got, Fred?
24:00Seriously.
24:01What do you mean what I got?
24:02No, I just.
24:02They didn't want me here right here.
24:04Both type of contracts.
24:04No, because he said he couldn't come in.
24:07Sick.
24:07Sick.
24:08What?
24:09I'm sick.
24:10With what, though?
24:11This is a virusy kind of, you know.
24:14Yeah, I understand.
24:14You get kidnapped.
24:15Yeah, yeah.
24:16So I know you both are hypochondriacs.
24:19I don't know about Adam.
24:21So I was respectful.
24:22No, I would have, yeah.
24:23Are you a hypo?
24:24Yeah, a bit.
24:25Right.
24:26I mean, I had a pap smear once.
24:28Does that?
24:31Have you had a colonoscopy?
24:32That could be in my job.
24:32Have you had the colonoscopy?
24:33Yes.
24:34There's gotta be a bit.
24:35I can't think.
24:35Mm-hmm.
24:36One time I saw, what's her name, that, you know, Katie Couric's husband died of it.
24:42Yeah.
24:42So she's on the show.
24:43She's on Regis and she goes, everybody's gotta have this, you know, colonoscopy.
24:47And Regis is like, I'm not getting it.
24:51He's like 80, you know.
24:53I loved it.
24:54I loved it.
24:55Because I love the anesthesia.
24:57Because you feel like you're dead and you get to enjoy it.
25:00Oh yeah, the Twilight drug is the craziest drug ever.
25:03That's why I won't do it.
25:03That's what scares me.
25:03You're conscious.
25:05I don't like it.
25:06But you're...
25:06You're out.
25:07Yeah.
25:08They're putting stuff up and you don't even notice it.
25:10That's why I won't do it.
25:11But then they tell you, you can get it without it.
25:15Oh, without anesthesia?
25:16Yeah, my shrink, my shrink.
25:17That's the first part.
25:18My shrink told me, oh, you can do it.
25:20You can do it.
25:20But I've done it.
25:21Yeah.
25:22Oh, no.
25:23I don't think that's a good idea.
25:24Have you had it, Daniel?
25:25No.
25:25Oh.
25:26And then there's the virtual one.
25:27You get a virtual one.
25:28Oh, a virtual one.
25:30Where they don't have to put you on there.
25:33But I don't know what it is.
25:35But Phil Rosenthal had it done.
25:37I had...
25:37The third time I had it, I was sort of half conscious.
25:40Because I was used to the drug, I think.
25:42But anyways, at the end of the colonoscopy, like, there's a...
25:45You know, I'm joking and everything.
25:47While they're putting stuff up my ass.
25:48And so there's a camera on the inside of your ass, right?
25:51And the pictures and stuff and you're looking at it.
25:53So anyways, at the end, the guy's like, we're almost finished.
25:56And then the doctor's name comes up and then the nurse, you know.
25:59So I go, um...
26:02I go, hey, man, this must be over.
26:04There's the final credits.
26:06So no laugh at all.
26:08Yeah.
26:09So I'm all emotional from the drug.
26:10I'm like, what the fuck?
26:11I'm like, maybe everybody says that joke.
26:13But at least the guy could laugh, you know?
26:15So I'm all hurt.
26:17And then I come out of the drug and there's an orderly there.
26:20And I don't even care about the cancer, if I have cancer or not.
26:22I'm like, ugh.
26:23Why are you going to laugh?
26:24I'm like, why is that joke?
26:25Like, it didn't work.
26:26And the guy goes, what?
26:27I'm like, at the end, when the thing came out, he goes, the whole time you were just
26:30going...
26:33So you thought you said it?
26:35I thought I said it.
26:36Yeah, yeah.
26:36I think that might be what crazy people do.
26:39Like, they think you...
26:40Yeah, yeah.
26:41They go, why is he ignoring me?
26:43Well, I...
26:43It's gotta be a bit.
26:45It's gotta be a bit, guys, where you're sick, you go, but I'm past the part of being contagious,
26:50where, like, we know that.
26:52No!
26:52All right.
26:55I'm auditioning for Austin as we speak.
26:58No, it's not a joke, but don't you think there's a premise, a germ?
27:01You get it?
27:02A germ?
27:03That people always, no, you're not gonna get it.
27:06Tuesday was the day I was contagious, like we know.
27:09When I went for the prostate...
27:11There is a bit.
27:11I went for a prostate exam, and he told me, you gotta do an enema the night before.
27:17You gotta give yourself an enema.
27:19Wow.
27:19Yes.
27:20So I did.
27:21On stage?
27:22And I went for the...
27:23I went for the exam, and I went for the exam, and this is true, absolutely true story.
27:29Afterwards, he said, everything's fine, and he took me in his office.
27:32He goes, and he said, you did a good job with your enema.
27:37And, you know, I don't know...
27:39I'm not good with a compliment in general, but I don't know how to respond.
27:44And then he said, who helped you with it?
27:46Oh, no.
27:47He was like...
27:48You couldn't have done it yourself.
27:49It was just me.
27:50Yeah.
27:50Yeah, and I didn't want to tell him.
27:51He thought it was so expertly done that you...
27:52Yeah, I didn't want to insult his assessment of it.
27:55Yeah.
27:56Like, you're not gonna tell me that was all you.
27:58Yeah.
27:59When I first moved to LA, I was new with the parking and the valets, and I went to some
28:04doctor, and they told me about some extensive exploratory thing where they have to put a
28:09camera on my penis and look at things.
28:12So I'm all nauseous, and then I go and get my car and I have to tip a valet.
28:17I mean, now it's common, but it's so weird.
28:19Valet tipping is you had a nice steak.
28:21You know what I mean?
28:22After hearing about cameras and penises, you're tipping the guy.
28:24You tipped the valet.
28:25Yeah, you buried the lead there.
28:27What happened?
28:27Did you have a stroke?
28:29Huh?
28:30I mean, now it's not so absurd to tip people for no reason whatsoever.
28:34The absurdity, because I was new to tipping valets, and you thought it's a fancy thing
28:39in Beverly Hills Pop.
28:40Without the penis part?
28:44Yes, sir.
28:45I went to a bar from San Fred, and the doctor said to me, he goes, the last time you
28:51were
28:51here, he goes, how's your cholesterol?
28:52I go, I don't know.
28:53He goes, oh, the last time you were here, your cholesterol, like it was alarmingly high.
28:58And I go, you never told me that.
29:00He's like, yeah, I told you.
29:01I go, I would remember the fucking alarmingly high.
29:04And I go, he goes, and I go, well, now it's going to be whatever is higher than alarmingly,
29:09because I'm fucking drinking cream every day.
29:14And I could have died in that fucking interval.
29:18You've got to be responsible for your own health care now.
29:21I went, I had a thing, I had a, one day I found like a, it looked like someone put
29:27cigarette
29:27hole in my back.
29:29Oh, no.
29:29Oh, God.
29:30Two things, yeah, actually it was four, but two were deep and one was, and I'm like,
29:34what the fuck is it?
29:35And I'm a hyper like you, and my wife's like, what now, what now?
29:39I'm like, look at this.
29:40And she goes, I don't know what that is.
29:42Women don't care.
29:42They don't know about mortality.
29:44So we went to the, but we went to the dermatologist and she's looking at it and she said something
29:51I never want to hear.
29:51She's like, I've never seen anything quite like that.
29:56And anyway, so she didn't know.
29:58It was like a mystery and I hate, I hate all that shit.
30:01And I found this was when, you know, this was years ago and I used to watch TV.
30:06My wife goes to bed, so I can't wake her up.
30:09So I used to watch the little Sony Watchmen and I had an adapter with four prongs on it.
30:15And I used, it was in the summer and I slept, I slept with it on my back and it
30:19embedded.
30:19It was a perfect fit.
30:20It embedded right into those holes.
30:22So I saw, it took about a month later, but I saw, yeah, I solved it.
30:26Cause I thought maybe aliens were fucking around or something.
30:29Yeah.
30:30But you, you could almost self diagnose it.
30:33You give yourself enemas.
30:34You figure out dermatologists cannot.
30:37I don't like.
30:38Stay away from the internet as they say.
30:40Cause you can look up anything on the internet if your eye itches.
30:43No, but the doctors, the doctors say that to you because then you'll be as smart as the doctor if
30:49you read the internet.
30:51Everything could get bad if you stay on the internet too long.
30:54Yeah.
30:55Well, look at those bags under his eyes.
30:57Jesus Christ.
30:59Well, that's why you gotta wear glasses, Fred.
31:01I saw you both had it and then I figured, you know, I don't.
31:05Yeah, put it on.
31:06Come on, man.
31:08I remember like when I used to go on commercial auditions.
31:11I thought this would be a new thing.
31:12I'd come in with nerd glasses.
31:14The casting director goes, Fred, put those glasses down.
31:16That does take years off of them though, right?
31:18Oh yeah.
31:19You were right.
31:20Yeah, you're right.
31:21A young Barry Sobel.
31:22Skype takes a couple years off too.
31:24Skype takes some of the age away.
31:27You look good here, I think.
31:29I feel like I'm a letdown being a letdown.
31:31No.
31:33Thinking there was supposed to be more abusive jokes.
31:36You got this.
31:37I was expecting Patricia Heaton.
31:41You know what I mean?
31:42It's like I didn't even get the mockings.
31:45Right.
31:45Again, thank you for the ring.
31:47You got it.
31:48I had this embedded in my head once.
31:50I sleep with it.
31:51And the doctor.
31:53When are we going to Austin, Fred?
31:55June 5th to the 7th.
31:57I'm going to be there, sucker.
31:58No, no.
31:59Yeah, I am.
32:00There's a TV festival that week.
32:04Like, not South by Southwest.
32:06But yeah, TV.
32:07Oh, really?
32:08And they're going to do a men of a certain age panel.
32:10Oh, awesome.
32:11How about stand up during Fred's act?
32:13Yeah.
32:14You're fucking stealing my shit.
32:15Oh, that's a great idea.
32:18Oh, that would be great.
32:19What a comeback for you.
32:20It's better than people thinking I'm Geechee Guy.
32:26Geechee Guy told me, he said, I got a fan letter.
32:29He goes, well, it wasn't exactly a fan letter.
32:31I was doing Comic Strip Live and a woman wrote me because she thought I had the same disease as
32:36her son.
32:38He beat me on Star Search when I lost.
32:40My wife was pregnant with my first kid.
32:42So if you win, you stay.
32:43I was in New York.
32:44Oh, yeah, yeah.
32:44So after I lost, I said, oh, let's just go home.
32:47And she gave birth, like, the next day her water broke.
32:50She birthed early.
32:51So it was lucky that I was home.
32:52Yeah.
32:53And then we were in a hospital in the city.
32:55And so after the baby was born, it was late.
32:58And I stopped at the cellar on the way back.
33:00And Mike Sweeney, the comic, sees me.
33:03Yeah.
33:03And he says, hey, congratulations.
33:05Congratulations.
33:06I go, no, I lost.
33:07You know what?
33:08You know what?
33:10That's the one of my kids.
33:12Oh, that, yeah.
33:16I haven't done stand-up in, like, 17 years, right?
33:19So I'm hanging out at Flappers.
33:21And it's so surreal because they go.
33:22What the fuck is Flappers?
33:24In Burbank.
33:26What is Flappers?
33:27Flappers is in Burbank.
33:28Oh.
33:29And the whole place was abuzz because some guy forgot his name, had to get his set ready
33:33for the Yarsinio show.
33:35Like, wait, did anything change?
33:37I'm hanging out and going, man, I got to go next.
33:39I'm doing Yarsinio next week.
33:43He left, he's back, but all right, that's not a great story.
33:48It's losing it because your lips aren't in sync.
33:50That's all.
33:51I'm like a puppet.
33:52He uses Adam as a puppet.
33:54He makes Adam say mean things about me.
33:56No.
33:56Because Adam, that's not nice to say about Fred.
33:59Fred, Fred.
34:00One time I was at the comedy festival, right?
34:03The only time I ever did the comedy festival.
34:04And I, like, honed my act, like, for six months, you know, memorized every word.
34:09I go there, I meet Sinbad.
34:11I didn't know he wasn't famous at that time.
34:13And so he says, let's go, I got to get some socks.
34:16He's all calm.
34:17So we go to the store, and there's no one in the store, right?
34:21And he's like, where is it?
34:22Hello?
34:22And then a woman comes out a minute later, and he buys his socks.
34:26So then at the festival, that's all he talks about.
34:29He goes, what's with these sock stores?
34:32Nobody's in them.
34:33The whole audience laughs like it's true.
34:36Like, did way better than everybody else.
34:40He was sitting on the edge of the stage, like, seducing the audience.
34:44What about that guy who now I'm nice to, and I made amends,
34:49but Orny Adams at the Montreal Comedy Festival,
34:52one of the sets as he reads for a review of his other set?
34:55Remember that?
34:55On the movie, you mean?
34:57Yeah.
34:57Yeah, yeah.
34:57So what did you do?
34:59Meaning, we had an argument, but we're cool now,
35:02because he didn't like I said something.
35:04So you and Orny Adams are cool now?
35:06It's an argument.
35:07He did the same thing when I had my first sitcom job, Singer and Sons.
35:11He came into the audience, you know, big references.
35:16And then I see him after his head was down.
35:19He goes, he did relaxation exercises.
35:23Singer and Sons?
35:24Bad.
35:25So...
35:25Was that 1940s?
35:29Who was in Singer and Sons?
35:31Harold Gould.
35:33Harold Gould.
35:33That's the role.
35:36Harold Gould.
35:40Phil Leeds, right?
35:42Phil Leeds was on Raven.
35:43He is hysterical.
35:45He was great, yeah.
35:46So, Stevie, don't bring him to a show.
35:48He sits there with his head down and shakes his head.
35:50Isn't it one of the funnest things to work with those super funny character actors?
35:55Oh.
35:56I guess you're like that now.
35:59I hope so.
36:00I'm kidding.
36:01I was joking.
36:01Yeah, those are my favorites.
36:02When I did your show, Ray.
36:04I was joking, Fred.
36:04The funny stuff was talking to Charles Durning and Tina Ball.
36:07Those 70s movies, God Day Afternoon, Joe asked him about...
36:13No, I was joking.
36:13I was joking.
36:15Fred.
36:16You can't.
36:17Fred?
36:17You can't.
36:17I was joking.
36:19When I compared you to the great character actors, I was joking.
36:23I don't think you're as good.
36:24Sorry.
36:25Scott.
36:27Sarcasm on Skype.
36:28You lose it on Skype.
36:29Yeah.
36:32There must be some kid out there that is excited.
36:35When you said thank you, everybody laughed like you were a dunce.
36:40Well, you might get some irony about you popping in and you got it in.
36:44You know, you didn't have Ray go, just him.
36:48So, he was too nice to do that.
36:50No, Ray would not do that.
36:52Ray's a great guy.
36:53But I'm a great guy, too.
36:54You know that.
36:55Ray is, again, Ray, they always go, is Ray a good guy?
36:59I had that with other people where I learned if someone's not a great person, not to say it.
37:04Because you're all saying, Kathy Griffin's nice, right?
37:07And you go, I don't really.
37:09And then they're looking.
37:10We go, let's just say everyone's nice.
37:13Well, you just did it.
37:15Thank you, bud.
37:16Kathy, I have great respect for now because she summed up that she had a one night stand with me.
37:21She didn't deny it.
37:22I just said she's not a nice person.
37:25Wait, that's true?
37:26That's true that you had a one night stand with her?
37:27Yes.
37:27I had a one night stand that was in the book and Stern asked her about it.
37:31And she said, if I saw Freddie Stoner, I'd hug him because she was so happy I talked about it.
37:36So I have great respect for her.
37:38What does that mean?
37:39Okay.
37:39Well, that means both of them aren't gay.
37:42Which I wasn't sure of.
37:46Wow!
37:49That's it now.
37:50Come on!
37:52That's my show called The Validator.
37:56Who played Singer?
37:59Harold Gould, the joke was that he was Jewish and had a Jewish deli and he had no one who
38:05would take it over.
38:05He had two black guys and they would say, hey, yo.
38:10And I was a shmucky Jewish nephew who, you can't say retarded anymore.
38:15I'm very conscious of it.
38:16To take over the deli, too shmucky.
38:19So then a black guy came in and I ran and hid.
38:23Because when a black guy comes into a deli to buy stuff, you duck under a counter.
38:28Oh, God.
38:29That's a joke.
38:30What year was this?
38:31What year was this?
38:32This was my first job.
38:34Two years in LA.
38:35I didn't get my first job until 1990.
38:37And this guy was...
38:39Ray is similar to a situation like you because the showrunner was trying to fire me.
38:43He didn't want me.
38:45And after that, every job was great because you had a firing.
38:48Oh, news for that.
38:48Doesn't that make it all less stressful?
38:50Yes.
38:51But you're fired.
38:52Everything's good.
38:53Yeah, yeah, yeah.
38:54How does that relate to you?
38:57I'm trying to think of ways I'm similar to Ray besides look.
39:00Yeah, yeah.
39:01I was thinking you could see...
39:02But he went on to great success after his firing.
39:05I meant to be almost the Phil Leeds.
39:07Yeah.
39:08I don't get the parallel, but whatever.
39:11Hey, we got to go.
39:12We got to edit you out.
39:15Oh, my God.
39:16That's right.
39:17You're not live anymore.
39:18You can edit me out and pretend that that's me and see if anybody catches on.
39:23I learned my lesson from Ray's show.
39:25Never tell anyone you're on a show because my first time in, I was totally edited out.
39:30From Ray's show?
39:31From Ray's show?
39:32The wedding episode.
39:33The...
39:34Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
39:35That was Phil Rosenthal.
39:36Don't blame me.
39:37No, no.
39:37It's okay.
39:38But, all right.
39:39I won't tell any of my Twitter followers to watch because they won't know.
39:43What's your number?
39:4522,000?
39:46What do you got?
39:47You look like a 22,000 guy to me.
39:5010 or 11?
39:51I don't know.
39:51Only half.
39:54Only half of what?
39:55Oh, I said it's only half of my guess.
39:58I guessed 22,000.
39:59But 11,000 was good.
40:00I had something on his lip, right?
40:01Yeah, you got the fucking snout, Mike.
40:04No.
40:05Okay, Fred.
40:06No, you're all right.
40:07See you later, man.
40:07Hey, Fred, thank you.
40:08Fred.
40:09Thank you, Ray, for the ring and everything.
40:11See you, doctor, because you look like you're...
40:12No, I'll see you in Austin.
40:14Where you going?
40:16I'm just glad to hear that the Orny Adams and Fred Stoller beef is finally in school.
40:22Oh, my God.
40:23This is why I could...
40:24I always fantasize about doing a show like this.
40:27But this is why I can't do it because I'm too neurotic.
40:33Yeah, yeah.
40:33Saying anything about anybody that you may run into.
40:37What?
40:38We have to take a break depending on us and just do some shows.
40:40Paying the bills.
40:41You keep saying that.
40:42That's what they say.
40:43All right.
40:45This is...
40:45We got to...
40:46We got to come back and do jokes.
40:50Back with the very well-compensated actor, Ray Romano.
40:56Hey.
40:57Not tonight.
40:57No, not tonight.
40:58No.
40:59Yeah.
41:00I get...
41:01Here's what I get.
41:02You get a cup.
41:04But, hey, get this.
41:06We have jokes for you.
41:08You're going to...
41:08We're the only show that provides the guests with jokes.
41:11Now, wait.
41:11When you say jokes for me...
41:13You read them.
41:13For me to...
41:14Yeah.
41:14For me to tell.
41:15Yeah.
41:16Oh, okay.
41:17So you don't have to think about it.
41:17I like that.
41:19There's less pressure telling them than having a fake react to them.
41:22Exactly.
41:23And you know, if it doesn't work, it's not your fault.
41:27All right.
41:27Okay.
41:28I'm saying it to you or it's a camera?
41:29No, it's a camera.
41:30Yeah.
41:31I mean, should I read it first or just wing it?
41:33Yeah.
41:34Scientists now say that trout can communicate with each other with subtle physical gestures.
41:42Oh.
41:43I should read it first.
41:44I should read it first.
41:45Start again.
41:46Yeah.
41:46Start again.
41:47Yeah.
41:47Yeah, you're right.
41:48You're right.
41:49Oh, so this is like a monologue.
41:50Yeah, yeah.
41:50Okay.
41:52Scientists now say that trout can communicate with each other with certain physical gestures.
41:58Geez.
41:58Just when you thought trout couldn't get more fascinating.
42:01Wow.
42:02He swallowed that whole.
42:04Well, that's incredible.
42:04I did.
42:05Yeah.
42:05You shouldn't stop right before the last punchline word.
42:09You shouldn't go.
42:10How did you do that though?
42:11How did you memorize that so quickly?
42:14Oh, I don't know.
42:15Just good, huh?
42:16Here, pray.
42:17I'm Adam.
42:18Whatever.
42:19Well, that name's a name.
42:21Jesus Christ.
42:23You knew what he meant.
42:24Yeah.
42:26Mondays aren't actually worse than any other day.
42:29According to a group of researchers who've never read a Garfield comic.
42:36Fred?
42:39Yeah.
42:39You can't win with these.
42:41No, you want to read it over first.
42:43I'm actually, I don't want to mispronounce a word.
42:46Yeah.
42:46I'm stupid.
42:47Of course.
42:51How about this?
42:52I'll read it to myself.
42:53I'll say just enough so you can hear it.
42:56You can read me the first part.
43:01Archaeologists evacuating a trash pit at the Jamestown colony site in Virginia have found direct evidence of human cannibalism.
43:09It's believed to be the first historical occurrence of someone eating a bag of dicks.
43:16You don't know that phrase.
43:17Me?
43:18That's what you told me before.
43:19I said I don't know the phrase bag of dicks.
43:21No, I thought you said that.
43:22No.
43:22It's a Louis C.K. bit, right?
43:24Oh, yeah.
43:24That guy stopped him.
43:25That's right.
43:26Go eat a bag of dicks.
43:28That's true.
43:28That's where it came from.
43:29Maybe he made that up, did he?
43:31Or is it a real phrase?
43:32I don't think he's been around for a while.
43:33It's possible.
43:34I don't even know that that is a phrase, bag of dicks.
43:37Yeah, eat a bag of dicks.
43:38Oh.
43:39It's a flawed joke in many respects.
43:42Yeah.
43:43There is a, there is a, there is a flaw.
43:47Two women accused of using sorcery have been beheaded in a remote village in Papua New Guinea.
43:52A team of police rushed to the scene but were forced to stand by and watch the victims being decapitated
43:57with axes
43:58as locals refused to let them come to their aid.
44:00And, uh, Norm, if you ever go to a remote village in Papua New Guinea, it all costs avoid using
44:07sorcery.
44:08I didn't understand any of that.
44:12Maybe you'll have me back.
44:13Everyone stopped listening like three minutes in.
44:16Well, it's a, it's a fucking novel.
44:18That's, that's the problem.
44:20The amount of time to the amount of laugh ratio.
44:23Way off.
44:23If that was a one line, you got the same laugh.
44:26It was two cards.
44:27It was two cards.
44:28Yeah.
44:29Didn't bode well for Mike.
44:31I know, right.
44:31This is not a...
44:32Is this the first time you're trying this?
44:34No, it worked.
44:35It's worked before.
44:36I think so.
44:37All right.
44:38A Las Vegas woman was arrested after hiding a stolen Rolex in her vagina.
44:43Well, now Bruce Jenner's just gone too far.
44:48I don't understand.
44:50But somebody told me he's going to have a sex change operation.
44:54That's what somebody was saying.
44:54I'm just wondering if, uh...
44:55I guess...
44:56Is that the joke?
44:57These are jokes.
44:58I'm just reading.
44:58I don't know.
44:59They're not...
45:01Bill Clinton says he wouldn't be surprised if someday we are visited by aliens from outer
45:06space.
45:07Leading Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton said, shouldn't you be getting a blowjob
45:11somewhere?
45:13Why always dirty?
45:15Why always dirty?
45:16But this is a, this is a joke I think Ray will kill with him.
45:20Can't lose?
45:20I think.
45:22Las Vegas is now home to a 550 foot tall Ferris wheel.
45:28Also drawing thousands to Las Vegas.
45:32Whores.
45:33That's, that's you.
45:35That's your voice all the way right there.
45:37That's the old...
45:38Are you going to read one?
45:38That Norm Macdonald lean in.
45:40Whores.
45:41No, no, no.
45:42I listen to this one or by this character.
45:44Uh, health officials in Texas raided the home of 60 year old sisters and found over
45:49a hundred cats.
45:50The cats are named Bootsy, Lola, Tippi, Cornelia, Fluffy, Minerva, Ringo, Jasper, Charlie, Spanky,
45:57Snooks, Doodle, Wally, Happy Pants, Zeke, Veronica, Dolly, Clyde, Ajax, Rusty Puffball,
46:06those were two.
46:07Snuffy, Sylvia, Mr. Moody, Leonardo, Zeke again apparently for some reason, Tawana.
46:13Don't comment.
46:14Even Rude, Nimrod, Sylvester, Skee-Ball, Toots.
46:18Okay, we...
46:19Jupiter, Lady Ag...
46:21Oh, there's one of the bits that gets...
46:23It gets funnier.
46:24Not funny, more funny again.
46:27That theory.
46:28Not funny then.
46:29Morgatroyd, Lola Bell, Newton, Felix...
46:35Remember Letterman's top ten numbers?
46:39No.
46:39That's right.
46:40Top ten...
46:43Top ten numbers from one to ten.
46:46One to ten.
46:46Oh, my God, that's awesome.
46:47Yeah, and that's all it was, was like, number ten, eight.
46:49That's great.
46:51Do you remember that scheme?
46:52It was actually an emergency list.
46:55And it was...
46:55And it killed, right?
46:57Yeah, because there was a surprise ending, because there was a tie.
47:01Three and a half.
47:03What a great twist.
47:04That's awesome.
47:05We had written a list about an airplane crash, the pilot excuses.
47:08And Letterman said, maybe this is a bad idea.
47:11Yes.
47:12This is a crash.
47:13Yes, yes, yes.
47:13And so, we had a minute.
47:16I said, how about numbers from one to ten?
47:18Yeah.
47:19So he was actually reading it cold.
47:21Oh, so you...
47:21Wait, wait, wait a minute.
47:22I just quoted something that you wrote?
47:24Yep.
47:24That is pretty cool.
47:25Yeah!
47:26That's actually...
47:27All right, this is the last joke.
47:29All right, why don't you do it?
47:31No, no.
47:32I didn't do a joke today.
47:34It's a real real joke, yeah.
47:34Well, I think it was...
47:36Again, okay.
47:37That's great to remember.
47:38The street drug Special K has been found to be an excellent treatment for depression.
47:44Hmm.
47:45This according to the New England Journal of Gary Busey.
47:50All right, we'll end it there.
47:53Thank you, Ray.
47:54That was awesome.
47:54Oh, come on, really?
47:55You got something out of there?
47:56Thank you, Cathy!
47:56That was everything.
47:57Oh, goorden!
47:59Don't matter the truth of the Greenland Journal of Gary in cont couple of Tikะปััััั.
48:00College Medical School of Gary Busey.
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