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00:02I really appreciate the opportunity. Everyone in my class was after this internship. I fought
00:07tooth and nail for it. No problem. We are glad to have you. So what do you guys do? Well,
00:13we install
00:14computer systems in grocery store chains and food manufacturers to align their inventory software
00:19with food banks and shelters all across the country. So instead of unused food getting
00:23dumped, it goes to people who actually need it. Got it. And what is a food bank?
00:30Maybe watch our video a few more times.
00:36Yeah, I look different. But hey, everything about me is different. I'm happy. I'm successful.
00:43I've learned to work productively with idiots. My life is fantastic now. You want to know how I did it?
00:50All I had to do is stay completely away from my family.
00:54Let's go!
01:08You know, I think you are finally beginning to thin out. These things have lasted for six
01:12months. You know, I can call back later. Come on, Dewey. You've seen this like a thousand
01:16times. It's just a normal human body doing normal human behavior. Undergrowth.
01:23How's the concert tour? It's fine. But I'm really sorry I'm not going to make your anniversary
01:28party. I'm sad too, but you cannot turn down a chance to play for royalty. I mean, what if
01:33Carl Gustav wants to give you a knighthood or a sword or something? Is Jamie going to make it?
01:36I think so. He put in for a leave. Towel! Towel! Towel!
01:41Trauma averted. Thank you.
01:45Hey, Dewey. Hi, Kelly. How's school?
01:47Beneath me. How's Sonia?
01:49Oh, um, it's not Sonia anymore. It's Elizabeth. No, Annette. Anyway, she's good. We're really
01:54connecting. We're going to go shopping later. Do them want to come?
01:59Him can't come with we. Us has homework.
02:02Hey, he's trying. Don't mock him for it.
02:04I'm not afraid of you. I get good grades. I help around the house. I'm your only kid
02:09without a file at the police station. I'm untouchable.
02:12Yeah, well, it wouldn't kill you to tell your father you loved him every once in a while.
02:16I love you.
02:17Well, that just sounds sarcastic.
02:19I love you.
02:21Now you sound annoyed.
02:22What kind of do? It's your timbre.
02:24I love you. I love you. I love you.
02:27The middle one was nice. Thank you.
02:32So back in college, I completely turned my life around because I realized the less contact
02:37I have with my family, the less I act like a sociopath. I've become more patient, less
02:42angry, way more mature. Anytime I am around them, it takes me like two seconds to revert.
02:49For crying out loud, I speak fluent Spanish. I know how to say quesadilla.
02:52Oh, it sounded like you said cusadilla.
02:54Oh, no.
02:56Cusadilla.
02:57Siempre hacen esto. Intentan corregir a las personas por algo de lo que no sabes nada.
03:02Say exactamente cómo van a enseñar quesadilla.
03:04Quesadilla.
03:05That's it. That's it. That already said it.
03:06I'm going to say quesadilla.
03:13Grandma's television was plasma. I had to watch two episodes of frickin' Dexter with her,
03:17and it was obvious from the rich, deep black.
03:19You're insane. She bought that TV in 2015, all right? There it has full array LEDs with the same picture
03:24quality for a quarter of the price.
03:26It's not showing off. It's a completely sensible, mid-price sedan.
03:30Why don't you just admit you're stuck up and shoving your shiny new car in my face to make me
03:34feel bad.
03:35Is this stuck up?
03:36Is this showing off?
03:39Is this me trying to make you feel bad?
03:42It's not them. It's me. Being around them.
03:46So I've arranged my life to ensure absolute minimum contact.
03:49My house is a too layover flight for many one.
03:52I'm always swamped with work on holidays.
03:54But I also create the illusion of closeness with effusive emails and phone calls and birthday cards,
04:00saying how much I miss them and I can't wait to see them.
04:02It's really important to me not to hurt their feelings,
04:05because then they'll make me talk to them about it face to face.
04:09Welcome to Huge Mart, where our deals are...
04:11I'm still near the 200 pack of votive candles and a thousand feet of ruby tassel garland.
04:15Oh, there's gold.
04:16No, 40th anniversary's ruby, not gold.
04:18Yeah, in the game, Hal.
04:20Hey, lovebirds.
04:22I hid your mini disco balls.
04:24Thank you, Greg.
04:25They're in the clone aisle behind my signature set.
04:29Which is?
04:30Suave Sauvage, for him.
04:33Already got it.
04:34So, how do you like the new job?
04:36Well, my heart belongs to Lucky Aid, but after they denied my promotion in that mysterious, untraceable fire,
04:43I'm glad I found a new home.
04:44Lois!
04:45Come quick!
04:46It's that famous celebrity you like!
04:49It's the Stingham Street.
04:50My Amsterdam Street.
04:50Come on!
04:51Shh!
04:52I'm ready.
04:53Oh, yeah, yeah.
04:55Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
04:58Huh!
04:59Never had much faith and love for miracles.
05:04Miracles!
05:05Never wanna put my heart on the line.
05:10Huh!
05:12But swimming in your water is something spiritual.
05:16Spiritual!
05:18I'm on again every time you spend the night.
05:22Yeah, yeah, yeah.
05:35Huh!
05:35I've been locked out of heaven.
05:39For too long.
05:43For too long.
05:46Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
05:49Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
05:52Can I just stay here?
05:55Spend the rest of my days here?
05:57Are you ready?
05:58Cause your sex takes me to paradise.
06:02Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise.
06:05Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise.
06:24That's it.
06:25Now it's my meatball.
06:27Okay, let's take it from the sex part.
06:30Guys, the moment was magical.
06:32Let's not go past it.
06:33It was lovely.
06:34Hell, thank you.
06:35Well, it was just a little weird two weeks before the anniversary.
06:38No!
06:39Before or after the party.
06:40We agreed.
06:41You can do anything you want, as often as you want, before or after.
06:45The actual anniversary day is mine.
06:47You promise?
06:48Under duress?
06:49I'll promise anything when you do that thing.
06:52Hal, for 39 years of anniversaries and birthdays and really every celebration,
06:57you do the most wonderful, romantic, amazing grand gestures.
07:01The fireworks display?
07:03Oh, yeah.
07:03Releasing those doves?
07:04That should have been done outside and away from the fam.
07:08And now this once, I want to be the one deciding how we celebrate
07:11and not have your plans just happen to me.
07:16Uh, yeah.
07:17Why don't you play with your friends while I finish up?
07:21She makes it seem like every little romantic gesture I've ever made is crazy.
07:28No, no.
07:29It won't hurt to let Lois do it exactly the way she wants to, for one.
07:32Oh, so I just sit back, do nothing, like I don't even love her?
07:35No, no, no.
07:35Not on my watch.
07:36Hal, please.
07:37You're the only one of us still married.
07:39Do not break a promise to that woman.
07:41I would never.
07:43Lois gets her day.
07:45But until then, every moment of every day, I will show her so much love, she will run screaming at
07:50the sight of me.
08:04Nice, right?
08:05And this isn't even the best thing.
08:07The best thing.
08:08The best thing in the whole world is who's inside it.
08:11My daughter, Leah.
08:12She's kind of a trophy I won in college for attending my first keg room.
08:15She hates that joke.
08:19Her mother, Dreamer.
08:20Yes, her name is Dreamer.
08:22Ran off three days after giving birth, so single father.
08:26But I'm good at it.
08:27I just imagine what my parents would do and do the exact opposite.
08:31It's not that hard.
08:35I won't make it worse.
08:36I won't make it worse.
08:41Just so you know, I don't cry like this all the time.
08:44And I also do depressed apathy, paralyzed embarrassment, and impotent fury.
08:51It's a rich inner life.
08:54Sweetie, what's wrong?
08:55Allison Gibb got invited me to her birthday party.
08:59Why is that sad?
09:01You want the list?
09:01I only want...
09:02Allison and her friends did this as a joke.
09:04They know I know they don't want me to go.
09:06If I do go, they'll freeze me out until I burst into tears and daddy comes to get me, which
09:10is what they really want.
09:11I'm completely isolated at school.
09:13I've never had any friends.
09:15And my personality, by which I mean your personality, makes it impossible for me to ever have any.
09:22Okay, well, do you want my list?
09:24You're intelligent.
09:25You're beautiful and hardworking and incredibly perceptive.
09:28Yeah, thanks for that, too.
09:30That's how I notice every smirk and slight and microscopic eye roll aimed at me since first grade.
09:36Why'd you have to be so gentle with me growing up?
09:37I have no armor.
09:39Leah, look, I am so sorry you're going through this, but I promise it'll get better.
09:44It got so much better for me once I went off to college.
09:46So that's less than a...
09:49a decade.
09:51It's actually worse when he tries hard.
09:56Why'd that make you nervous?
09:58What?
09:58Your phone.
09:59Why did that call make you nervous?
10:00I'm not nervous.
10:02It was just work and we're talking.
10:04Maybe my concern for how upset you are is coming across as nervous.
10:07And why do you keep it so hot in here?
10:10I want to be alone now anyway.
10:11Okay.
10:13I'm not going to smother you.
10:14But I'm here for you.
10:16Like always.
10:17I love you.
10:19Really love you.
10:23Love you so much.
10:29Malcolm, I need you to call me back today about our anniversary.
10:31We have to know when you're coming.
10:32And we know you're coming because you would never be that monstrously inconsiderate.
10:36Love you.
10:38I didn't answer dad's voicemail yesterday, so I knew it would escalate to mom.
10:42I had to work the email.
10:43Sorry, I was in emergency meetings till late and I just heard your voicemail.
10:46I scheduled that to send at 2.16 a.m.
10:49That way I look considerate for emailing instead of calling her back.
10:52Trust me.
10:53She'll check the timestamp.
10:54I have to set up six more food banks this month.
10:56But barring a crisis, I'll be there.
10:58That's what's great about running a charity.
11:01Anything I say is a crisis, is a crisis.
11:04For charity.
11:06I scored the cut and I'm dry-fitted twice, so now I go lay down.
11:10Perfect.
11:11This is so easy.
11:12I had no idea.
11:13I can't wait to start the gazebo next week.
11:15You know, Reese, doing these projects together every weekend, I love it more than anything.
11:21Me too.
11:22I have to confess, though, that this floor was fine.
11:27You don't actually have to rotate floor tiles every six months.
11:32I know.
11:33You do?
11:34But almost every job we've done, the car, the backyard irrigation, the washing machine, they didn't need to be done
11:40either.
11:41It's my favorite thing to do anyway.
11:42I'm spending a lot of money fixing things that don't need fixing.
11:47And since this is really just about us spending time together, maybe we can do jigsaw puzzles.
11:54No!
11:54I know how to do puzzles.
11:55You steal one piece, so you're the only one that can finish it.
11:59We have to be building or fixing things.
12:01Oh, son.
12:01Whoa.
12:02What's going on?
12:05Dad, have you ever heard of a metaphor?
12:11Yes, Reese.
12:12We all know my life sucks.
12:14I ruined my job.
12:15My marriages.
12:17I don't really have any friends.
12:20That's not the metaphor yet.
12:22Ready?
12:23Yeah.
12:23Things like glue in these tiles so they fit together perfectly is a metaphor for me fitting in with people.
12:29And these tools are a metaphor for you and all the things in life you're teaching me.
12:35Mm-hmm.
12:36Dad, you're a tool.
12:38A tool to help me build my life back.
12:42I will always be your tool.
12:48You know what's great about going to a fancy private high school?
12:53Nothing.
12:53It was the same emotional shithole as every other high school.
12:58Leah.
12:59Hi.
13:00Allison.
13:00Did you get my invitation?
13:01It's going to be really fun.
13:03Dad got an aura camera.
13:04I did.
13:05Thanks.
13:06Great.
13:06See you there.
13:18Leah.
13:19Oh, hey, Cheyenne.
13:20I couldn't finish my math homework.
13:22Can you show me how to do a slope intercept?
13:24Of course.
13:25I don't mind at all.
13:25I'm always happy to help.
13:26You know, you don't have to panic about it.
13:28I wasn't panicking.
13:30Oh.
13:31It's just...
13:32I can see where you've been pulling out your hair.
13:35I'm not saying you pull out your hair.
13:36It's probably just ringworm.
13:37And that's easy to fix.
13:39Eight weeks of fungicide pills.
13:40Because it's not an actual worm inside your head.
13:42It's a fungus.
13:46Oh, God.
13:47What do I do?
13:48Make it seem like I was joking?
13:56What is wrong with her?
13:58I'm really sorry about the whole thing.
14:00You othered Cheyenne in view of the peer group.
14:02Yeah.
14:03I knew I was upsetting her and I was trying to fix it.
14:05But I kept making it worse because right before, other girls hurt my feelings.
14:09So I wasn't thinking clearly.
14:11I'm not blaming them.
14:12They can't help it.
14:13Robert Topolsky has pretty compelling research that endorphin levels actually spike when members
14:17of an in-group exclude or attack members of an out-group.
14:20At least with chimpanzees.
14:24He's on YouTube.
14:35Once a week, he'll stand in the front yard shirtless and flex.
14:44Get ready.
14:45You're going to see something shocking.
14:48Hey, I'm proud of us.
14:50We actually got all the way to the bed before we went at it.
14:56Tristan, my girlfriend.
14:57I mean, it is so much more than that.
15:00She loves me.
15:01I know.
15:02It sounds like a lie to me, too.
15:06Now, how was your day?
15:07It was good.
15:08We won the Grosvenor Innovation Grant.
15:11I beat an AI.
15:12Dude, you don't have to keep proving how smart you are.
15:15I really don't care.
15:16Oh, except for my taxes.
15:18That was awesome.
15:19So what do you care about?
15:21I care that you always listen to me and that you're supportive and that you keep your promises.
15:28And mostly I care that you understand in a deep and complete way who I am inside.
15:37And you love me anyway.
15:39And I am so grateful for that.
15:42Jesus, I thought we were just doing panther.
15:51She's going to like me, right?
15:53Are you kidding?
15:54Leah's going to love you.
15:55You're as worried as I am.
15:56What makes you say that?
15:57Because you know that if she doesn't like me, we can't move forward.
16:01I mean, eventually we'd have to break up.
16:03But I have so many plans to prevent that.
16:05Mutual interest outings, weekly kindness days, shared journaling.
16:08There's one where you hold on to the end of a yarn ball and you pass it back and forth
16:12to each other
16:13and you keep saying nice things and you keep throwing it until you guys are both tied up really tight
16:17together in the yarn.
16:20I'm betting on us.
16:22Look, you can make friends with anyone.
16:23I've seen it.
16:24And it's obvious how much we love each other.
16:26Leah's going to see that and she's going to want to be a part of it.
16:28I don't know.
16:29When I was her age, I hated myself and everything in my field of vision.
16:32So shall I grow it?
16:33Can we wait for that?
16:35No.
16:36No.
16:37It is past time we did this.
16:39We're doing it.
16:41You're also honest and sincere and sensitive.
16:46Not to mention in bed, the way you combine enthusiasm and startling physical strength with a clear understanding of nuance.
16:56Yeah.
16:57Okay.
16:59Tristan likes screens, so maybe wear your chinos.
17:01She went to private school too, so you can talk about that.
17:03And politics just makes her upset.
17:06Movies.
17:07She can talk about them all day.
17:08But she loves rom-coms, so don't you say anything snotty.
17:11You can write this down if you want.
17:13I would, but my pen is busy doing actual homework.
17:16Sweetie.
17:16So when do I yell, I want my real mommy, and run out in tears?
17:20I'll surprise you.
17:21Please.
17:21This is important to me.
17:22Dad, I get it.
17:24It's your only chance for love.
17:25And I have complete control over your future happiness.
17:30Every parenting book says I shouldn't let you believe that.
17:37Kelly, where are you?
17:38What can I do?
17:39Are you okay?
17:39What's the matter?
17:40Did I have to make up a lie to get my own brother to answer the phone?
17:43You have to promise me you'll come to mom and dad's anniversary.
17:45Kelly, I'm trying.
17:46Hey, listen to me.
17:47All they talk about is whether or not you'll be there.
17:50They're old, Malcolm.
17:51They could die any second.
17:53Decapitated in a car wreck.
17:54Slowly choking to death on a respirator from some lingering illness.
17:58Stabbed over and over by some drifter they took in.
18:00Clock is ticking, busy boy.
18:02You can do this for them.
18:03I am doing everything I can to be there, but my charity just has me so busy all the time.
18:07So you can figure out all this advanced infrastructure for hundreds of charities and corporations,
18:11but even after six months' notice, you can't plan half a day off?
18:15Wow, that's almost mom level.
18:17Okay, at their age, they're a little self-righteous, simultaneously overconfident, and insecure.
18:22Validate their intentions and blow some smoke.
18:25Look, look, I am glad that you see how important this is for mom and dad.
18:27They are lucky to have you looking out for them.
18:29Other kids your age aren't half as perceptive.
18:32What?
18:33I'm on the phone.
18:35Okay.
18:36I am so sorry, but I do have to get back to work.
18:39But don't worry.
18:40I'm sure I can be there.
18:40Love you.
18:41Hey, Linda, can you print me that report?
18:44With that one, you got to get in and out before they can think too much.
18:47How do you not allow glitter?
18:49You're a party venue.
18:50I just want a couple of handfuls for people to toss during our spotlight dance.
18:54Oh, okay, so no glitter.
18:57Did our monogrammed cocktail stirs with little hearts, did they come in?
19:01No, no, they come with the Radiant Elegance Package.
19:06The Radiant Mystique Elegance Package?
19:09How much does that cost?
19:13Okay, let's do it.
19:15Such nonsense.
19:17I'm sorry to be taking all the attention away from your 40th birthday.
19:21Mom, I'm a 39.
19:22I was born on your first anniversary, not your wedding day.
19:2739?
19:29Of course you are.
19:30Hey, how are you guys enjoying the new guest suite?
19:32The garage?
19:34Yeah, once we unpacked the bag, stomped a few spiders, got the plastic tarp off the bed.
19:38It was real homey.
19:39Me and Dad did all the renovations.
19:40Your brother's become quite the handyman.
19:42Well, it is great.
19:44A heads up, the toilet wasn't connected.
19:46Would have been cool.
19:47You know, we could afford a motel.
19:49Absolutely not.
19:49We love having you here.
19:51Besides, you've got to save up some money until you get a solid job.
19:53Mom, I've been there 15 years.
19:55I'm senior management.
19:56I have 75 people under me.
19:58That's 75 people plotting to replace you.
20:01And you need to retie your boats.
20:03They need to be droopy.
20:04They droop?
20:05They need to droop languidly.
20:07Look at your father's.
20:08Your knots are too crisp.
20:10Use baby hands.
20:11Why don't you criticize his bows?
20:13Those aren't languid.
20:14They're turgid.
20:14Dad likes me better than you now.
20:17Did you ever talk to Maltham?
20:18No, we keep trading emails back and forth.
20:21I know he's doing good things, but he is going to work himself to death.
20:24I just got off the phone with him.
20:26He's not coming.
20:32Okay, we can do this.
20:34It's going to be great.
20:35Love you.
20:36Love you.
20:37Do you need to pee?
20:37No.
20:37Yes.
20:38No.
20:43Leah, we're here.
20:46Leah, this is Tristan.
20:50Hi.
20:51Hi, Leah.
20:59Good.
20:59We're easing in slowly.
21:01There's no rush.
21:06So, how much did he prep you?
21:13When you were four, you tried to scare Miss Rachel into canceling preschool by saying her mold didn't look right.
21:21You have to twist your hamburger bun exactly three times so the condiments smear evenly.
21:27You refuse an award from the state young scientist challenge because you thought it would make you a famous nerd.
21:33You love being a physical therapist, but you love being a physical therapist, but you are grossed out when you
21:36have to touch old people.
21:38You fly into a spinning range if you do wordle in three.
21:40I do.
21:42I do.
21:42I do.
21:43Sometimes when you stand up too fast, you fart, and I have to ignore.
21:47I do.
21:48You don't.
21:49Now, him.
21:51Has he ever told you about his reluctant move in politics?
21:55Oh, my God.
21:56No.
21:56One time I found a notepad where he wrote, assemblyman, congressman, lieutenant governor.
22:02And the thing with the aftershade.
22:07Why?
22:08I don't know.
22:10I've never been so happy to be humiliated in my life.
22:13It always does.
22:14This could be my family.
22:15My last checkbox.
22:17This is amazing.
22:18Malcolm, we are not doing this by email or text or over the phone or by Zoom.
22:23We are going to talk about it.
22:25No matter what you have to arrange, you are going to be at our anniversary with the rest of the
22:29family.
22:30Dad?
22:35You have a daughter?
22:38She's alive?
22:41What's happening?
22:46You made me do this!
22:48How come this family's non-stop antisocial behavior and mindless belligerence and myopic priorities are toxic to me!
22:55Every single bad thing that happened to my life is your fault!
22:59Getting away from you is how I finally stopped being such an asshole!
23:04Wait, so your biggest problem is that we exist?
23:17How are you?
23:18I don't know.
23:19How could you do this to your family?
23:22No, stop!
23:24You insisted on barging in on my home, okay?
23:26Without an invitation.
23:27So you can at least give me the courtesy to explain myself.
23:30Please, sit down.
23:33Please, sit down.
23:41Please, sit down.
23:43Please, sit down.
23:44Please, sit down.
23:46Please, sit down.
23:46Please, sit down.
23:47Please, sit down.
23:47Please, sit down.
23:49Please, sit down.
23:49Please, sit down.
23:49Please, sit down.
23:50Please, sit down.
23:54Please, sit down.
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