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00:00Thank you very much.
00:01Hello and welcome to the show.
00:03Thank you so much for joining us.
00:05This week, Arsenal lost and then they won.
00:09Somebody told me that and I tried to look.
00:14Apologies.
00:14We have an amazing audience and some brilliant guests are joining us on the sofa.
00:19She has done it all.
00:21Comedian, writer, actor, model.
00:23And she's here to talk about her latest tour.
00:25It's Michelle De Swart.
00:37She was the girlfriend in The Girlfriend, but tonight she's here to talk about dragons.
00:42It's Olivia Colt.
00:52She's a Hollywood star and is here to discuss the latest instalment of the scary movie franchise.
00:58It's Arna Farris.
01:10And he has conquered the stage and screen.
01:14Best known for starring in 28 years later, Schindler's List and the Harry Potter films.
01:19It's the magnificent Ralph Fiennes.
01:35Thank you all so much for coming.
01:39I have quite big news.
01:40This has never happened before.
01:42Arna has brought gifts.
01:43Say, I'll eat this.
01:45Well, listen, please keep expectations low.
01:48No, I'm going to get them out.
01:50Okay, great.
01:50In this disgusting country.
01:52I offer a gift from abroad as an apology.
01:58Why?
01:58Just a blanket apology.
02:01These are hats that I knitted during quarantine.
02:03I quarantined and I learned how to knit a hat.
02:07And would you do me the honour of accepting?
02:10Oh, my God.
02:10Oh, God.
02:12Thank you so much.
02:14Thank you, guys.
02:16I look so...
02:17Oh, my God.
02:18I don't care how they get in.
02:19Good job, Michelle.
02:22I don't know why you're taking them off, guys.
02:24I'm spending the next hour like this.
02:26They are beautiful.
02:28Oh, thank you.
02:28Oh, that's so kind.
02:30Thank you so much.
02:31Oh, no, thank you.
02:31You're so well done.
02:32You knitted them in quarantine, like, five years ago.
02:38I mean, I'm into it.
02:39I had high hopes, you know?
02:41Like, things were going to get better and I was going to be on this show apologizing to British people
02:46for just general things, you know?
02:50I really did have a turn in my career.
02:53You know, it's a vulnerable profession that we're in.
02:57But to be able to be here tonight just means a lot to me.
03:01So, I'm just really grateful.
03:02Well, we are so grateful.
03:05I'm going to take a hat.
03:07I don't think you guys will have a monomer.
03:08I'm going to...
03:09You will get them.
03:10You'll get them back.
03:11No, you'll get them back.
03:12You'll get them back.
03:12You'll get them back, but I'm just going to put them somewhere cosy.
03:16Claudia, did I...
03:17Did I ruin the show by being too serious right off the bat?
03:20No, you did not!
03:21Because I can be silly and vapid.
03:24No!
03:25I was reading about all four of you and there is a link, which is...
03:31..just how fantastic all your mums were and are.
03:35Olivia, your mum loves your life, right?
03:39Yeah.
03:39I mean, and she loves...
03:41She loves the perks that come with it.
03:44Yeah.
03:45It's my fault.
03:46I've created a monster.
03:47Right.
03:49So...
03:50The...
03:51You know, this job, it's...
03:52You know, there's some bits of it that are very gorgeous and, like, nice,
03:55like, premieres and, like, fancy hotels and things like that.
03:58And I invite my mum down and I get her a room at the hotel
04:01and then she goes out and goes to the premiere and she gets on it.
04:06Nice.
04:06And then...
04:07Then you got her.
04:08And then I'm like, all right, I think mum needs to go home now.
04:10She's in the corner, slumped with, like, a goujon...
04:13..in one hand and a gin and tonic in the other.
04:16And so I end up taking my mum home at my own premiere.
04:19Yeah.
04:20Erm, she loves it.
04:21I've spoiled her rotten.
04:22Because you're given stuff, right?
04:23They're a freebie sometimes.
04:25So, like, I get, you know, the perks of this job,
04:28sometimes you're sent things that...
04:29Like a candle or lotion or something.
04:31Yeah, and you look online and they're quite expensive
04:33and you're like, I will never, ever use this because it's awful.
04:37Erm, so I send it up to Manchester.
04:40My mum's got, like, a little account on an online resell website somewhere
04:45under a different name.
04:47And I come home and I'm like, oh, mum, that's a new armchair.
04:50You know?
04:51And she goes, yeah, thanks for the lotions.
04:53Yeah, that was the da-da-da handbag.
04:55And I'm like, I'm never going to get sent stuff again
04:57because some of it is really nice.
04:58Yeah.
04:59And I like to keep it.
04:59Oh, well.
05:00To anyone who's watching, you would still like the stuff
05:02because your mum needs something to match the armchair.
05:04Yeah, and sometimes I do like it as well.
05:06I do wear it as well.
05:07Yeah, I do.
05:08Anna, your mum was quite strict about watching TV, right?
05:11Yes.
05:11She wouldn't let me watch television.
05:13When she left for the grocery store, I would watch television,
05:17then put a bag of frozen peas to cool down the television
05:20because she would check.
05:21Oh, my God.
05:23Yeah.
05:23She did not want me seeing Madonna.
05:26Madonna for her.
05:28Like, losing my virginity was very stressful.
05:32Yes.
05:34Yeah.
05:35Rave, your mum.
05:36So I like the fact how forward she was with your dad.
05:39Well, she was set up on basically a blind date with my dad.
05:43My mother cooked, I think, scrambled eggs for supper.
05:47And the story was that he turned up and she thought she was going
05:51to meet some puny, weedy, chinless wonder.
05:56And in walk my father, who was a very handsome, very big man,
06:00she made him his scrambled eggs and then the story goes that he
06:02promptly fell asleep.
06:04LAUGHTER
06:05But that didn't put her off because the next day she got on her
06:08moped, went to the farm where he lived, he opened the door and
06:12he said, would you like to come in for a dish of tea?
06:17She said, yes, thank you, I'd like to have six children.
06:20LAUGHTER
06:21Michelle, I love the story of your mum who said, I think she
06:24panicked when she saw you do the weakest link.
06:26Yeah.
06:27Yeah.
06:28You really get a kind of good gauge of what your family think of you
06:32when you tell them.
06:33I said to my mum, I was like, I'm doing the weakest link and she
06:37went, oh, shit.
06:38LAUGHTER
06:40And to be honest, they weren't wrong with it because I...
06:43I only got one question wrong, but the question that I got
06:46wrong, so I'm severely dyslexic, right, and it was all going
06:51well, I was like...
06:52You're crushing this.
06:53Owning this.
06:54Yeah.
06:54I'm a strong link.
06:56And then...
06:57And then Romesh was like, Michelle, name a vowel that
07:00appears twice in the word donation.
07:03And I was like, vows?
07:07And so I said, blue.
07:09LAUGHTER
07:11And that's...
07:16Well, I need to explain my reasoning for this.
07:18So I was like, my mum was like, oh, mate, what's your
07:22strategy?
07:23And I said, well, I think if I don't know the answer for
07:24something, I'll just say Moby Dick, because I feel like at
07:26some point that's going to come up as an answer.
07:29Yeah.
07:29And so when Romesh was like, you know, the vowel that appears
07:32twice, I was like, OK, it's Moby Dick time.
07:35But I couldn't remember the word Moby Dick, so I thought
07:39whale, what colours are whale blue?
07:41And that's why I said...
07:42So whenever I, like, forget what I'm supposed to say,
07:46I just say Moby Dick.
07:47Yeah.
07:48I love it.
07:49LAUGHTER
07:50I like the fact that I'm just like...
07:52We're having a chat and Rafe looks like, help me.
07:56I want to talk about my play.
07:59Rafe, I'm going to talk to you about your play.
08:01I don't want you to panic and run away screaming.
08:04I'm staying here.
08:04Yeah, good boy.
08:06Erm, the good boy was too much.
08:10LAUGHTER
08:11As I said, I was like, I'm uncomfortable.
08:14LAUGHTER
08:15There'll be an opening night, there will be a red carpet.
08:19Do you guys like a red carpet?
08:21Look at Olivia's face.
08:22Straight away.
08:23It's disgusting, isn't it?
08:25Well, when you've got all those people screaming at you,
08:29my reaction is to want to cry or run away.
08:32LAUGHTER
08:32And so, like, I can't...
08:34I can't sort...
08:34Like, it's sort of...
08:35All that energy gets put down and under my dress,
08:37my, like, right knee is quivering like that.
08:39Yeah.
08:39It's like...
08:40But it's like...
08:42No, but it can be quite scary.
08:44It's intense.
08:44100%.
08:45And I don't know...
08:46There isn't...
08:47At least...
08:47When I...
08:49My first red carpet was in the year 2004 scary movie
08:53and it felt confusing.
08:55I'm sure some of those photos I am really, like,
08:58you know, caught.
09:00Caught, like...
09:01I know I don't belong here on this red carpet
09:06and I think you guys know that too.
09:08That's always the feeling of, like...
09:11Mmm.
09:11Imposter syndrome.
09:12Yes.
09:12Yeah.
09:13I feel like it's just a necessary evil.
09:16You know what I mean?
09:16Like, you've got to do the red carpet to get into the venue
09:19to quaff the free champagne to get the living room.
09:21It's the...
09:22It's the tax.
09:23Yeah.
09:24You know what I mean?
09:25Yeah.
09:27So true.
09:28In my life, and I'm 54,
09:31I've never met anybody who likes a red carpet.
09:34And then, Rafe, I meet you.
09:38I've got evidence.
09:40Let's have a look.
09:41Exhibit 1, please.
09:42Oh!
09:45He has a lot.
09:48I know what you're thinking.
09:49Guys, it's a one-off.
09:51Buckle up.
09:53His...
09:53His number two.
09:54Yes.
09:56He's enjoying himself.
09:58That's nothing.
09:59That is foreplay.
10:02Let's have...
10:02Number three.
10:03Oh!
10:05Yes.
10:06And finally, as we're all going, oh, and it's uncomfortable, and they're saying my name,
10:15Ralph Fiennes, ladies and gentlemen.
10:25I love you for it.
10:27So, why do you love it?
10:29You come out of the car, you're wearing a suit, you've got something, I don't know, you're
10:32just ready, and they're shouting, Rafe, Rafe, and you're like, I've come along.
10:35You know what happens?
10:37You go and they're like, Rafe, Rafe, or the name, and you go, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm,
10:41and I smile, and then suddenly a boredom factor kicks in.
10:45LAUGHTER
10:47All right.
10:48And you entertain yourself to get through the fucking thing.
10:52LAUGHTER
10:54That's a great strategy.
10:57I'm going to try to embrace that.
10:59Uh, you're our new hero.
11:02I would like to see the three of you next time.
11:04Contend to be an aeroplane, and you know, all of you, what we're being.
11:09LAUGHTER
11:09Let's talk about this, um, new play.
11:13It's coming to the West End.
11:15Grace pervades.
11:17Um, and you found the story, I believe, and gave it to David Head.
11:21Well, it's the story of the Victorian actor Henry Irving,
11:26and he was probably the first leading actor to start directing plays.
11:31But in our play, the key, the sort of central spine,
11:34is the relationship with this wonderful actress, Ellen Terry.
11:38She has a wonderful speech where he's trying to give her notes,
11:41and she turns it around and starts giving him notes.
11:44And he talks about how stiff he feels when he's alongside her very...
11:48..her very natural acting.
11:49And she says, well, I think you take too long to prepare.
11:52I'm just in my dressing room, I'm reading a book,
11:54I'm reading the newspaper.
11:55When it's my cue, I just go down, I just go on stage.
11:57I don't... I don't have any inhibitions.
11:59I just go on, bang, and I'm there.
12:01And I have no awareness of 500 people watching me.
12:04And David's written this wonderful speech for her
12:06about the spontaneous allowing of yourself on stage
12:10without too much thinking and preparing
12:12and getting all nervous in your head.
12:14Absolutely.
12:14And also, I love the fact that you said
12:16what you adore about the theatre is it's totally different every night.
12:19Even if you think it's going to be the same, it's not.
12:21And you should embrace it, it being different.
12:24I think it's...
12:25I think you should allow it to be different every night.
12:28Yeah.
12:28Here's the thing, right?
12:30Is that they've got this thing going on in theatres
12:32where they think they'd sell all like the fancy crisps, right?
12:35The kettle chips, the crunchy, hearty crisps.
12:39These are the crisps we should be selling in theatres.
12:41What's its?
12:42Quavers.
12:43Skips.
12:44Melt in the mouth.
12:46Soft, thank you, soft crisps, right?
12:48And that you've put into a cup or something.
12:50None of this rustling of paper.
12:52Yeah, unbearable.
12:52It does...
12:53Yeah, have a marshmallow or eat first.
12:56No, I feel the same as you.
12:58Yeah.
12:58Right.
12:59And the worst is the popping of drink cans.
13:02Mm.
13:03Yes!
13:04I feel you.
13:04Just the quiet, dramatic pause.
13:07Oh, my God.
13:09And actually being in an audience when someone...
13:12Yeah.
13:12And you're engaged and someone is opening a sweet paper wrap...
13:16Mm-hm.
13:17Wrapping.
13:17Crinkly plastic.
13:18Do you know what does my head in?
13:19Right?
13:20It's when someone trying to slowly eat crisps.
13:24Just get them all in your mouth and just hurry up and do it.
13:27It's like, oh, I'm going to quietly try and eat one crisps.
13:30I'll just bring you in your...
13:31Oh!
13:33Do you ever say anything?
13:35Yeah, you do.
13:36You're one of them...
13:37No, no, no, no, no.
13:37You're one of them.
13:38I can tell.
13:39Yeah, you do.
13:41I...
13:42I...
13:42Once in a place, a mobile phone, it was a monologue,
13:46and the mobile phone went off and I lost it.
13:49Good.
13:49Don't turn off your fucking phone.
13:51That's right.
13:52Um, but actually, it froze you.
13:54That was quite hot.
13:55You have the adrenaline thing in there?
13:57It was what?
13:58It was quite hot.
13:59It was.
14:00Everybody felt it.
14:01We were all like, hmm.
14:03Yeah.
14:03I don't like it when Rave's angry, but hold on.
14:07Oh, that's my phone.
14:09Sorry, continue.
14:17I'm scared.
14:19Um, Rave, please tell us when and where can we see the play?
14:23Because we will all be coming.
14:25Um, Grace Pervades is on at the Theatre Royal Haymarket
14:28from the 24th of April till the 11th of July.
14:33Fantastic.
14:37And, um, Rave, I have to ask you about Voldemort,
14:41because they're about to shoot a new series.
14:43Everybody has been cast.
14:46No...
14:47Nobody...
14:49I'm not saying this to be nice to you,
14:51but nobody else can play the Dark Lord.
14:53So would you do it again and are you doing it again?
14:55Let's just...
14:56We won't tell anyone.
14:57Well, I remember being asked the question once we'd shot
14:59the Total Film Series, would I reprise the part?
15:02And this was some years ago.
15:03And now I said, yes, I'd love to.
15:05Well...
15:05But then, um, nothing's happened.
15:07And, um...
15:08I think that ship has sailed.
15:10But I tell you, there was...
15:12Tilda Swinton was mentioned somewhere as being a contender,
15:15and I think she would be amazing.
15:16She'd be fantastic!
15:20Um, Anna, when you were growing up,
15:22you had a quite specific, I hope I'm not saying anything bad,
15:27imaginary friend.
15:28Yes.
15:29I, um, I was a lonely, short child,
15:33so I, I don't know.
15:35I didn't have that many friends.
15:36It was hard for me to make friends,
15:38which is why I'm so glad to be here tonight.
15:40Because I told you guys we're friends now.
15:44Gave you a hat and all.
15:46Um, but I, I had a retainer.
15:49My parents' strategy to keep me a virgin
15:52was to keep me, uh, with, like, constant dental gear.
16:00I had the gamut.
16:01I had the neck gear.
16:03I had braces.
16:03I had retainers of various kinds.
16:06And one of them was my beloved retainer, Simon,
16:10who was British.
16:12And he, he was my talking retainer.
16:16I never lost Simon.
16:18Um, Simon would give me advice and help me with homework.
16:22We would go on talk shows.
16:24We went on Oprah a couple of times,
16:26Simon and I, because it was remarkable
16:28that I had a talking retainer who was also my best friend.
16:32Yeah.
16:33I, that's a lonely story about a lonely little kid.
16:36No.
16:37I, I don't want to offend Simon,
16:39but when was Simon put away?
16:42I didn't know we were going to go here.
16:44OK.
16:46Simon, um, he did get retired,
16:48I think, when some teeth came in, some more teeth.
16:50Got it.
16:51Had to move on to headgear.
16:52Still a virgin.
16:55OK, so, Anna, we need to talk about Scary Movie,
16:58because the sixth installment is about to come out.
17:03Uh, you were part of the first one.
17:06That was 26 years ago.
17:08And the same cast are together.
17:11How much fun is it reprising the role?
17:14It's more than fun.
17:15It's like, I, I don't really,
17:17even though I've lived in LA for a while,
17:19I don't love the idea.
17:21I don't believe in closure or healing.
17:23I grew up in Seattle.
17:25I wanted to marry a cynical Brit, you know.
17:28I had never done comedy.
17:29I think Simon always thought I was funny.
17:32But, uh, but no one else did.
17:35Um, and the movie became a big hit,
17:38and it defined the last 26 years for me, essentially.
17:43And I feel honoured.
17:45And it also feels like people are really hungry for this movie.
17:50Yes.
17:50And that feels thrilling.
17:52So think away.
17:55And the trailer alone is majestic.
18:00Here it is.
18:01Oh, thank you.
18:02There's a serial killer on the loose.
18:03Hello, Tuesday.
18:05I have been preparing for this for years.
18:09Hello, lover.
18:10Oh, my God.
18:11You look like shit.
18:13Sandy?
18:15Should we hug?
18:16I really want to, but I'm a Republican now,
18:18so I'm supposed to be racist.
18:20Oh, girl.
18:20I think all white people are racist anyway.
18:22Come here.
18:22Okay.
18:23Oh.
18:26Mom?
18:27Santa gave me a severed arm.
18:29Be sure to thank him.
18:38You took your mum to see the film, didn't you?
18:40Yes.
18:41At a very crowded theatre in Linwood, Washington.
18:44Um, I took her to see the first scary movie
18:47in the summer of 2000, and I told her,
18:49Mom, when I tell you, you have to,
18:54when I tell you to, you have to get up
18:55and go to the bathroom immediately.
18:57And, uh, so I did tell her, I was like,
18:59Mom, go.
19:00And she did.
19:01Oh, that's good.
19:02Yes.
19:02There is a scene where I, um...
19:07You can say.
19:08My boyfriend sprays me to the ceiling of my bedroom
19:12with his ejaculate.
19:16And then you're stuck, right?
19:18You're stuck on the ceiling.
19:19So you can imagine, as I was hanging from the...
19:23You know, this is my first movie.
19:26And, like, you know, the prop people are just...
19:31spraying me with...
19:33What did they use for the ejaculate?
19:36Oh, I wish I knew.
19:38I would clock it now.
19:39At the time, I was like,
19:41Don't think.
19:42Don't think about anything.
19:44Don't think about your mom.
19:46Whatever you do.
19:47There's something really magical about your parents
19:50not letting you watch TV.
19:52And then you having to sit in a cinema with your mom
19:54while you're welded onto a ceiling with jizz.
19:57And then you're just...
19:59You know what I mean?
20:01Solid.
20:02Wow.
20:02Yeah.
20:04It is...
20:06It's been a wild turn.
20:10Sorry, Mom.
20:11I'm not Joan of Arc yet.
20:14And I have to ask you about House Bunny.
20:17Yes.
20:18Because...
20:20You made it a while back
20:22and you produced it yourself.
20:24You pushed it through.
20:25You had this idea.
20:27Oh, boy, it was tough.
20:28My original idea was...
20:30And I pitched this to the writers.
20:33I said, you know,
20:34I was thinking about a lower echelon playboy bunny
20:36and she's getting a little old for the mansion.
20:39She hasn't landed a husband.
20:41She doesn't really have any skills.
20:44What does she do with her life?
20:46So we pitched the movie 24 times.
20:49Are you?
20:50And, um...
20:51The 24th time it sold to Adam Sandler.
20:55And it was a...
20:56It felt like a big achievement.
20:58Later on, I realised that, of course,
20:59he wants to go film at the Playboy Mansion.
21:02Like, uh...
21:03But it was great.
21:05It is now a cult hit.
21:07I mean, people who are in their 20s,
21:09they're obsessed by it.
21:10Talk to me about the creation of the demon voice, please.
21:14Well...
21:16Our director came up to me on Sunday.
21:19And he said,
21:20Why don't you try a funny voice when you repeat their names?
21:23So what came out was...
21:26Claudia.
21:28I can't do it for very long,
21:30but I can't do it as well as I used to be able to.
21:32I'll have to work on that.
21:33Could I take voice lessons with you?
21:35I mean...
21:36Rank would be the guy.
21:39Rave.
21:40Very nice.
21:42It's an honour.
21:45I'll warm up...
21:46I'll warm up back into it next time I'm on the show.
21:49OK.
21:50How great.
21:52Oh.
21:53You could do...
21:55I mean, like...
21:55I wish...
21:56I'm gonna...
21:56I gotta get better at it.
21:58At the very end of the show, can you...
22:00Do you think you could say,
22:01Moby Dick, in that voice?
22:03I do.
22:04OK. Good.
22:05I do.
22:06When can we see Scary Movie, please?
22:08June 5th.
22:12Thank you so much.
22:16Please, Olivia, talk to us about House of the Dragons Series 3.
22:20People loved the first two.
22:23What transpires?
22:24What's Series 3 about?
22:26Well, I have accidentally put my son on the throne.
22:31Oh.
22:32He's sort of usurping the rightful heir, Rhaenyra Targaryen.
22:36You always had good judgement.
22:37What's happening?
22:38I did, but then...
22:39But then my husband, the king, he was on his deathbed
22:41and I thought I heard him say,
22:42Oh, Aegon, I'd like him to be on the throne.
22:44But he was talking about something else...
22:46Oh, no!
22:47He'd had too much milk of the poppy.
22:48Oh, boy.
22:49Um...
22:50So...
22:51So, we're really...
22:53We're really facing the fallout from my mistake
22:57and we're coming to the season at the brink of civil war
23:01and I've parlayed my freedom for my son's head.
23:08It's very dramatic.
23:09Very dramatic. Can we have a look, please?
23:10Yes.
23:16Where were you?
23:21Alicent came to Dragonstone.
23:23She will open the gates of the Red Keep
23:25and surrender to me.
23:29You cannot trust her.
23:33Soon or late, Rhaenyra will send her new dragons here.
23:36It would be the end.
23:48Oh!
23:49Oh!
23:51Very dramatic.
23:52Very dramatic.
23:54Very dramatic.
23:57It's so...
23:58Yeah.
23:58All of it.
23:59You're like...
23:59Oh!
24:01You're like holding a sword.
24:02Yeah.
24:03I like the fact that you like to prank on set.
24:06Yeah.
24:06What do you do?
24:07Well, I don't...
24:07I did it once and then I was scared that I'd metooed myself,
24:10so I then didn't do it again.
24:12But I had to do a sex scene where my scene partner was
24:19underneath my skirts.
24:21You can imagine what was happening.
24:23And...
24:23Dominoes.
24:24Dominoes, yes.
24:26Yeah.
24:26Tic-tac-toe.
24:28And...
24:31And...
24:32They just keep saying games.
24:34Jenga.
24:37Because you have to wear these, you know, these, um...
24:40Strap-ons.
24:41These strap-ons.
24:42We have to wear these strap-ons.
24:43We have to wear these sort of like padded, sticky jock straps
24:47for, you know, obvious reasons.
24:48And I said, can you make me the biggest, hairiest merkin?
24:54And I want the colour to be fiery red to match my hair.
24:59That's power.
25:00And...
25:01It looks incredible.
25:02It looks incredible.
25:03And, you know, I stuck it on and...
25:05And the reaction that my...
25:07That my castmate had, Fabian.
25:09Which I was a bit alarmed.
25:10I was like, like, surely you've seen, like, hair pubes before.
25:15But he leapt to the other side of the room.
25:17And he was so shocked and disgusted.
25:22And he thought it was real.
25:23And I was like, oh, no.
25:24What have I done?
25:25What have I done?
25:25What have I done?
25:26And I thought this was going to be funny.
25:27But he was like...
25:27I think he was really, um, stricken with anxiety from...
25:31From that experience.
25:34Good on you, man.
25:35Bring back pubes.
25:36Yeah.
25:37Bring them back.
25:38I mean, they never left.
25:39Yeah.
25:40My favourite thing in all of this is just Raph's going, yeah.
25:43Yeah.
25:46Yeah.
25:46He's up for it.
25:47Um, you also, in series one, you're all getting to know each other.
25:51You asked your cast members to smell you.
25:54Yeah.
25:55Um, well, you were wearing these period costumes.
25:59Oh, think about you guys.
26:00And they're very heavy and they're very, they're very pinched into the arms.
26:04And in these scenes, they've got all the fires on, they've got all the incense burning,
26:08all the candles are on, and you are hot.
26:11And I was going up to Paddy Constantine being like, do I smell?
26:13Do I smell?
26:14Can you smell me?
26:14Do I smell horrible?
26:15And he's like, Olivia, stop.
26:17But you know, when you just get really paranoid about it and you think that everyone can smell
26:19and so you have to address it before anyone...
26:22Before anyone says it.
26:23Yes, or in their head.
26:25Yeah.
26:25This is what I find with, you know, like when you're doing, um, like press or, you know,
26:29you're doing red carpet stuff and you're borrowing clothes and a stylist gets you outfits.
26:33What you lot don't know is they don't wash them in between.
26:36So then you're on the red carpet and you're like, your new funk is heating up the old funk
26:41and then you're just like, everyone's like, oh, you look like a million dollars.
26:43You're like, I smell like about 2B.
26:45Like, yeah.
26:47Um, Rafe, er, congratulations on The Brilliant Conclave.
26:50I know it was a while back, but yeah.
26:53Oh.
26:53Such a beautiful film.
26:56There's some heavy robes you're wearing.
26:59Voldemort also.
27:00There was a gusset.
27:01There, no, in, er, yeah.
27:04Um...
27:05It's my favourite word.
27:06LAUGHTER
27:07I had to wear tights as Voldemort underneath the long flowing robes.
27:13And the tight, they kept falling down.
27:15So the gusset would start somewhere here and then work its way down.
27:20I couldn't walk as effortlessly as I had hoped.
27:24Um, and eventually I said, can you give me a garter belt?
27:28Can you give me suspenders?
27:30LAUGHTER
27:30And they did.
27:32LAUGHTER
27:33And I used to enjoy teasing the stunt guys by raising my...
27:37LAUGHTER
27:38LAUGHTER
27:41APPLAUSE
27:46Olivia, when can you see House of the Dragon?
27:48It comes out June on HBO Max.
27:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
27:56It's a change of subject, but if we don't discuss it,
27:59then what even are we doing with our lives?
28:01Anna, er, you wrote a brilliant book.
28:04Uh-oh, I better get us some water.
28:05Yes.
28:06Called Unqualified,
28:07where you talk about the professions that one should avoid.
28:10Yes.
28:11In dating.
28:12List some of the things we should not go near.
28:15Number one, magician.
28:16Correct.
28:19Somebody who is tricking you, I don't know,
28:22they won't let you in on their secrets,
28:24it's...
28:24I had a...
28:25Also, they're going to bore you rigid with a pack of cards.
28:28LAUGHTER
28:28Like, take my bra off, I don't give a shit.
28:31LAUGHTER
28:32Yeah.
28:32Number two, athlete, professional athlete.
28:36Uh, for the normal reasons, cheating and whatnot,
28:38but also because...
28:39LAUGHTER
28:40I think you're going to have to do some ego-lifting.
28:44Yeah.
28:44You know, oh, the rookie isn't that good, or...
28:47And they're going to want a smoothie.
28:48As soon as your knee gets better.
28:50Yeah, yeah.
28:51Number three, chef.
28:54Mm-hm.
28:54Um, I do think it's an environment,
28:57when I was waiting tables,
28:59where, uh, it felt like anger...
29:02wasn't managed, was celebrated.
29:04LAUGHTER
29:05I don't think you can leave that mentality at work.
29:07Yeah.
29:08Um, I think there's only one in the list of professions
29:13you should date.
29:14Yep, and what is that, please?
29:15That is a woodworker, a canoe...
29:18Somebody who makes canoes by the coast.
29:21Cop and...
29:22Solitary.
29:22He's sad.
29:25LAUGHTER
29:26He's sad.
29:26He's been lonely.
29:27And he's...
29:28But he's carving that canoe and sanding it.
29:32I imagine he's quite thorough.
29:33Oh, yeah.
29:34Yes.
29:36LAUGHTER
29:43Sorry.
29:45Um, you know what we've got an army of in the audience?
29:48Woodworkers.
29:49They're right there.
29:50No!
29:50Oh, gentlemen!
29:53LAUGHTER
29:56They're amazing.
29:58Woodworkers.
29:59Thank you, woodworkers.
30:00Liam.
30:02Quiet heroes.
30:03Yes!
30:04LAUGHTER
30:04Liam, I think you are the speaker of the woodworkers,
30:09is that right?
30:09I think so, yeah.
30:10OK.
30:10Um, have you ever made a canoe?
30:13Yeah.
30:14Uh, and I'm very thorough.
30:17LAUGHTER
30:18Oh, Liam!
30:19I'm sanding and sanding.
30:22What do you think about as you're sanding?
30:25Yeah, and...
30:26Do you think about love?
30:27All the time.
30:29LAUGHTER
30:30For the rest of you, any professions you'd steer clear of?
30:34Actors.
30:35LAUGHTER
30:35Livia?
30:36I think if you own or created an app...
30:39I think it's...
30:41What about the man you created, Wordle, for his girlfriend?
30:44It's so romantic.
30:44Oh, I didn't know that story.
30:45OK, not him.
30:46But all the other ones?
30:48Yeah.
30:48You don't want an app created.
30:49All the ones that are coming to mind.
30:52LAUGHTER
30:53Do you know what I keep on thinking where you're like,
30:55a woodworker but he's got like a story, I'm like,
30:57you need to read the Bible.
31:00LAUGHTER
31:01Your mind's going to be blown.
31:03I do.
31:04Yeah.
31:05I do.
31:06You're going to be well into that.
31:08I don't have any big things that I'm like...
31:11I'm more like, as long as you're holding on to, like,
31:14one marble, I'll probably bang you.
31:16You know what I mean?
31:17But I do have a big no-no for me,
31:22is anyone who's been to Burning Man, this festival.
31:24You know this festival in the desert and they're like,
31:27oh, you don't need money, we just...
31:28It's a bartering system.
31:30And you're like, didn't you just get a helicopter in?
31:31Like, what do you mean you don't need money?
31:33And, like, I'm always like, I don't plan.
31:34I'll probably end up having to, like, I don't know,
31:36give out a wristy for an egg sandwich.
31:37LAUGHTER
31:38But it's not...
31:39But, but, but, but, but, beside that,
31:40beside that, there's something about Burning Man,
31:43especially if you're on the dating apps and you see,
31:45like, these guys that are at Burning Man
31:48and they all sort of, like, look like they're dressed up
31:50like Mad Max and they're super cool
31:52and I just want to get my fanny and just chuck it in a bin.
31:54I'm like...
31:55It's disgusting.
31:56Michelle, you were a highly successful model.
32:00Gucci, all of them.
32:01You said it was great fun.
32:02You were in New York.
32:04Yeah.
32:04And you're still friends with all of them.
32:06Yeah, yeah, we're still friends.
32:07And also, like, we sort of shared something
32:10that is, like, very unique.
32:11And although modelling is...
32:13Especially at that time, the early noughties,
32:15you had to look a certain way.
32:17But something that's kind of amazing about it
32:19is that if, as long as you looked that certain way,
32:22anyone could do it.
32:23So I was friends with people from all different backgrounds
32:25that I probably would never have met
32:26and we all had in common the fact that we were gorgeous.
32:30LAUGHTER
32:30So it's amazing, yeah.
32:32From that, like, wild time in your life.
32:35Yeah, that, that wild time of getting paid loads of money
32:37and, and peak starvation.
32:39Yeah.
32:40There was a mishap, I believe, with Anna Wintour,
32:43if I remember that.
32:43Oh, yeah, yeah.
32:44Oh, there's so many, man, so many.
32:46Go on.
32:46But one in particular, I was doing, like, a cruise show.
32:51I think that's what they call it.
32:52It was, like, cruise...
32:53In between...
32:53Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.
32:54Yeah, you know, innit?
32:55No, I don't.
32:56Yeah, you do, you do.
32:58So, yeah, so anyway, I was doing this cruise show
33:01and I walked down the runway and I'm wearing this, like,
33:04G-string sort of, um, swimming costume and everyone's like,
33:08Oh!
33:08And I thought, yeah, that's right, bitches.
33:10Yeah!
33:10That is right.
33:11You can see it!
33:13And then I come backstage and the dresser starts sort of
33:16pulling at the gusset, your favourite word, the gusset.
33:18My necklace keeps going, tampons, I was like,
33:21get your fingers out of my crotch.
33:23And then I looked down and I'd done the whole runway
33:25and back with a tampon string hanging out.
33:28Oh!
33:29And that would never happen now,
33:30because I don't have that kind of fire gap.
33:32But it was...
33:32It was...
33:34It was...
33:35It was...
33:35It was peak fashion.
33:36How did...
33:37Or when did the stand-up happen?
33:39Because I believe you were living in New York
33:41and you started to stand-up when you were still modelling.
33:43Yeah, yeah, I start...
33:44I mean, when did it happen?
33:45I was doing stand-up for years before it happened.
33:48Yeah.
33:49You know, you sort of...
33:50You try these things and you think you're doing well,
33:53but the reality is you're not that great in the beginning.
33:57And stand-up's just one of them things,
33:59the only way you can get good at it is to be shit.
34:02LAUGHTER
34:03Yeah, sorry.
34:04That's probably not the story you want.
34:05No, I like it.
34:07No, I love it.
34:08I was just terrible for a long time.
34:09But you kept at it.
34:10Well, yeah, yeah.
34:11No, I'm good at it.
34:13Yeah.
34:13Now, you're brilliant.
34:14Also, you wouldn't have been as bad as you're saying now,
34:18otherwise you wouldn't have continuously...
34:20Yeah, well, you know what?
34:21Yeah, exactly.
34:21And also, it's just like, I think now in the...
34:24We live in a time where everyone's trying to, like,
34:27monetise the talent really quickly.
34:29There's something really beautiful about stand-up comedy
34:32as an art form because you have to do it in front of people.
34:35Mm.
34:36And you can write all you want,
34:37but you can't just write an hour show.
34:38You have to go and try it out.
34:40And so, you know, you have to make peace with this ego death
34:43that is going to happen on a daily basis.
34:46Mm.
34:47And it's...
34:47It's, you know, it's definitely life-affirming.
34:50You know, you do one gig and you're like,
34:51I'll crush that.
34:52And then the next day you're like,
34:55wow, I should probably look into woodworking or something.
34:59You know what I mean?
35:00Talk to me about your show that you're doing now.
35:03It's sold out rave reviews.
35:06Yeah, it's called The Afters.
35:08And, yeah, I'll finish in May.
35:10I think I'll put on some extra dates, though.
35:12Please.
35:13But it is... I always kind of...
35:14I wanted to call this show The Afters
35:15because I sort of feel like...
35:17You know, people say your life is like seasons,
35:19but me being, you know, an ex-party girl,
35:21I like to think of your life as a night out.
35:23And I think at 45, which is what I am now, I think...
35:27I know!
35:36Please do not clap.
35:38This is nothing natural about...
35:40This is sorcery.
35:41This is...
35:42This is under a full moon,
35:44a five-pointed star in the garden.
35:46Like, this is...
35:47I haven't frowned since, like, 2007.
35:50So...
35:51Yeah, I'm like, yeah, clap it up.
35:53I'll give you the number to my doctor.
35:54But anyway...
35:56But so I do...
35:57I do think that, you know, if I think of life as a night out,
36:00I feel like 45, you just got to the afters.
36:03Do you know what I mean?
36:04Well, I think the best part of a night out
36:06is the debrief and the afters.
36:08Exactly.
36:09Are you finding that in life?
36:11Exactly, yeah, yeah.
36:12The 40s have been my favourite decade so far.
36:15Definitely.
36:15The 40s, as a woman, is...
36:18Yeah.
36:18Mwah, chef's kiss.
36:20You know, like, you go for a little bit in the beginning
36:22where you're like,
36:23your hormones start really going out of whack
36:25and you, like, look at the landscape of your mates
36:26and you're like,
36:27wow, we're all tapped.
36:28And then...
36:30You know what I mean?
36:31You're like, you know what I mean?
36:31You're like, this is like the opening
36:32of a Michael Jackson thriller video.
36:34You look at...
36:34All your mates are a bit like,
36:35you want some?
36:36You want some?
36:36Yeah, I'm all right.
36:37Yeah, we go brunch.
36:38Yeah, let's go brunch!
36:39And you're like...
36:40You sort of think,
36:41wow, we're really not being ourselves right now.
36:43And then...
36:44And then you start, you know,
36:45chatting to each other about, like,
36:47what you want?
36:47You want a soul?
36:48See, I'm on HRT, is it?
36:50Oh, what else do you want?
36:51And you try pedestrian,
36:52do you know that you can get, uh,
36:53you know, sort of...
36:55Now we're talking to Michelle.
36:55Testosterone.
36:56Yeah.
36:57And then once you get that nicely balanced
37:00and then you're making money and that,
37:02it's fucking unstoppable.
37:03Let me...
37:05Let me...
37:06Let me...
37:07Yes, because I also...
37:08I read, which I loved,
37:09is you go off,
37:10you're this supermodel,
37:11you're in New York,
37:12you start, stand up,
37:13and then you've come back
37:14and you're living in the same street
37:17that you were...
37:17that you grew up on.
37:19I like the fact that you've come home.
37:20Yeah, I know.
37:21I've ended up buying a place
37:22on the same road that I...
37:23Which is funny,
37:24because when I left,
37:25I left arrogant.
37:26Like, I was like,
37:27see you later,
37:28I'm never coming back.
37:30You lot.
37:31Do you know what I mean?
37:31I was just like, bye!
37:33And then you're like,
37:34you know, gentrification happens
37:35and you're like,
37:36hold on,
37:36is there brunch and polite?
37:38How am I going to be able to afford to...
37:40Are people serving beans in ramekins?
37:42Shit!
37:43This is gonna...
37:44It's gonna take me a while.
37:45So yeah, now I'm finally back where I started.
37:47And the amount of jokes I've had to tell
37:50to be able to make enough money
37:51to afford to move back there is...
37:57Mine's how...
37:57You know what I mean?
37:59Um...
38:01We are nearly at the end of the show,
38:04but we do this lovely thing
38:06where people from the audience
38:07can add something
38:09or they can ask a question.
38:11We are not qualified,
38:12but if anybody has a question,
38:14is that okay?
38:14Of course, yeah.
38:16Anyone got any questions?
38:17I want a bit.
38:17Oh, I like it.
38:19Already hands.
38:20Yes, please.
38:21Um, hi.
38:22I was just wondering,
38:23should I schedule a nap
38:25for my wedding day?
38:27That's a very good question.
38:32Yeah, yeah, yeah.
38:36But are you doing one of those,
38:38sort of getting married at 12,
38:39then a drink's at 5?
38:41No, you've got to squish it all in.
38:43Get married at 8,
38:44dinner at 9,
38:45night-night.
38:48Great, should we do that?
38:49I don't know.
38:50I'll just...
38:51I'll just rearrange it all.
38:52Congratulations!
38:53No, I feel bad.
38:55It's going to be an amazing
38:5624-hour-a-thon.
38:57Michelle, would you suggest a nap?
38:59I don't.
38:59As someone who's married and divorced,
39:01I don't think you want too much time
39:03to contemplate anything.
39:06Have a lovely life.
39:11Anybody else?
39:13Yes, of course.
39:14Hi.
39:15Hi.
39:16How do you leave a first day early
39:17if you know you don't instantly like them?
39:19I tend to overcompensate,
39:21but I don't want to do that anymore.
39:23No, up and out.
39:24Yeah.
39:25Also, I've been on dates
39:27where they've gone really badly
39:29and I've just turned around to the person
39:30and been like,
39:32should we stop?
39:33And they're always...
39:34And they're like,
39:35yes!
39:36Yeah.
39:37The feeling's mutual.
39:38If you're in a situation where you're like,
39:40I don't think this is going well,
39:41you best believe the other person's like,
39:43this ain't it.
39:44And then you can just give each other your time back.
39:49Do you know what I mean?
39:50Yeah.
39:50Do you take a shot before or...?
39:51I...
39:52Well, the thing is,
39:53then you might end up enjoying yourself more than...
39:55Oh, yeah.
39:55You know what I mean?
39:56Then like...
39:57Yeah.
39:57So I would just be like,
39:58this is not it, right?
40:00Yeah.
40:01Shall we go?
40:05Maybe someone's got something better to...
40:07No, I agree,
40:08because when I've been single in the past,
40:10it's always led to a sympathy snog
40:13and I've never wanted to do it,
40:14but I've just been like,
40:14I don't know how to end the date,
40:15so I'm like, here we go!
40:24One more.
40:26My question is,
40:28what do you think is the...
40:30the meaning of...
40:32life?
40:38I like it.
40:39I...
40:39I...
40:40I'm surprised by it
40:42and let's run with it.
40:43Rafe?
40:50Um...
40:53Is that out of the hole?
40:54Yeah, true, true.
40:55True, true.
40:56That's a good girl.
40:58That's a good girl.
40:58That's a good girl.
41:06Good friendships.
41:08Enjoyment of food.
41:11Um...
41:11Acceptance of death.
41:14Oh, that's...
41:15Be cool about death.
41:16Be cool about death.
41:17Yeah, that's it.
41:18Wow.
41:19That's really good.
41:24Thank you so much.
41:26We are going to end the show.
41:28I feel bad to do this, but would you just do the magic of demon voice Moby Dick and then
41:35my work is done?
41:37No.
41:38No.
41:39No big deal.
41:40No big deal.
41:42That is it.
41:44Tonight, we are off to play backgammon.
41:47I'd like to thank my brilliant guests, Michelle Deswap, Olivia Kirk, Anna Faris and Ray Fine.
42:00Thank you so much for watching.
42:02Good night.
42:02Mm-hmm.
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