- 2 minutes ago
First broadcast 13th January 1994.
Arthur goes to Calais with Dave and Ray to buy cheap booze for the club.
George Cole - Arthur
Gary Webster - Ray
Glynn Edwards - Dave
Mylène Demongeot - Madeleine (as Mylene Demongeot)
David Simeon - Henry
Olivier Pierre - Rochelle
Peter Cleall - Wally
John Leeson - Passport Officer
Stephen Oxley - Customs Officer
Nicholas Mead - Matelot
Arthur goes to Calais with Dave and Ray to buy cheap booze for the club.
George Cole - Arthur
Gary Webster - Ray
Glynn Edwards - Dave
Mylène Demongeot - Madeleine (as Mylene Demongeot)
David Simeon - Henry
Olivier Pierre - Rochelle
Peter Cleall - Wally
John Leeson - Passport Officer
Stephen Oxley - Customs Officer
Nicholas Mead - Matelot
Category
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TVTranscript
00:15is that right perfect fit you know i've not read about these anywhere have they car mags and that
00:23it's too recent an innovation wally but it's only a matter of time before the world press
00:27starts singing their praises which is why i'm suggesting you get in now before the prices go
00:32through the roof if i do work i mean you've got time to do everything oh guaranteed i mean instead
00:38of slinging your hands in front of your face and screaming you just pull this little toggle at the
00:41side and the body protector inflates and saves you from very nasty injury and remember the body
00:47protector goes with you on those terrifying occasions when the learners insist on using
00:52their own cars and it does of course conform to all known british safety standards there's italian
00:59navy on the side here yeah it's uh merely color coding one up from royal blue what do you reckon
01:06then all right why not yeah i'd have taken up boxing as a career if i wanted to get smacked
01:13this often
01:22wally is there anything you'd like to tell me how do you mean well i mean all these accidents
01:29you were in control of the vehicles were you of course you didn't get a little tired or emotional
01:37during a lesson never what do you want about arthur with do it yourself off license oh it's not like
01:45that arthur it's not i never touch it at work no i've not had a chance to shift it that's
01:50all you've
01:51been done this is all foreign of course it is that's why i brought it abroad i'll go once a
01:56month
01:57france stock up on supplies a sea journey well doesn't the supermarket stock this stuff cost
02:03arthur save a fortune especially now they've got these new rules what new rules beers and wine and
02:09that you can bring back tons of the stuff provided it's for personal use yes europe what's done it
02:16you know i saved over 200 quid on what this stuff would have cost me in england 200 more you
02:21buy more
02:22you save it must be a system that's sadly open to abuse i mean how do they know it's for
02:28personal
02:28use damn check the arctics i suppose rest of the time they trust people to be honest
02:35an englishman's greatest virtue wally
02:40no that's too risky arthur i'm happy the way things are dave remember the words of kennedy ask
02:46not what the winchester can do for you but rather what you can do for the winchester
02:50he kind and bin liner i mean look at what it's costing us we need to sell this at twice
02:55what
02:55we are now to make a decent profit put it on the slate there thanks arthur dave this is an
03:00opportunity
03:00we can ill afford to miss yeah sounds good to me if the figures are right yeah but what about
03:04my
03:05license ray if customs find out we're planning to sell the drinks on i'm out of creek dave unless the
03:10winchester can pull itself out of the mire of financial under expansion our license won't be worth
03:14printing anyway but it's me what is taking the chance of it's my name over the door look if we
03:19told customs it was dipso pete's birthday and we were getting in provisions we could drive two lorry
03:23loads through and we still wouldn't be lying no no i'm sorry arthur it is not worth it that's my
03:28final word very well you forced me to offload via my other outlets but dave perhaps after the first
03:34trip when you see the magnitude of the savings you might be able to conquer your fears are we still
03:39up for it then arthur ray there is a european liquor lake out there and you and me are going
03:43to
03:43take the plunge
04:00what you got there first rule of an import undertaking ray always have something to export for the outward
04:06leg blackpool 1968 dream yeah i always thought they were a bit previous what you're going to do with
04:12them you are going to customize them ray fresh liquor paint a nifty work with a metal file and you
04:17are looking at two dozen eminently sellable eiffel towers these look nothing like the eiffel tower
04:22trust me ray to all but the most trained architectural eye once you crown a conversion with a french flag
04:30those would be the real thing
04:49dave thank goodness i need to check in the storeroom do you keep a spare key somewhere
04:53what you doing having a sweep around i won't be long yeah but what you doing here well it seems
05:00ridiculous me venturing to foreign parts on a booze run and not taking the opportunity to replenish
05:05one or two depleted items arthur we've been dave you were here all the time you didn't know what
05:10i was doing you thought it was from mario's on the corner your license is secure that is not the
05:15point arthur anyway you don't know what we need i do spend a bit of time in this place dave
05:20i know
05:21which way the poison's flowing two crates of gin two crates of whiskey and i thought we'll get half
05:26a dozen bottles of that yellow stuff brighten the place up a bit that has been here ever since john
05:31charles left for juventus we don't need any more of that nobody touches it dave i take the ronnie biggs
05:37approach on this one you're either in or you're out somewhere in between is no place to be
05:41six bottles of the other stuff
05:50no no bring those up the front ray i'm careful with them they're very nearly antiques
06:04what you doing headlights you have to adjust them before they'll let you on the roads over there
06:09who knows why you know arthur i can't believe we're actually gonna do it i mean it is abroad
06:14nobody's making you go right we can no longer think of ourselves as an island race the businessman
06:19who stands still today is a goner you nearly ready not i've been wearing the gold morning ray
06:24i want you in the right frame of mind for this trip this is a commercial venture not a day
06:29out of canvey
06:30island this could be the beginning of a regular on top the what's his name i want them to know
06:36they're
06:36dealing with kosher businessmen not dopey tourists looking for a bit of gorgonzola
06:41arthur we get off the ferry bang around the hypermarch spend the rest of the day something
06:46in the local vino i mean it's a bit hard to treat like a major international summit typically ray you'll
06:50fail to appreciate the finer points of this operation what you're talking about we are not
06:54going to be duped like the thousands of brits who make this trip once a year the supermarket lark is
06:59for
06:59mugs only yeah but that's where you go arthur that's where you get your bargains where else is
07:06there i have a contact ray suffice it to say he has guaranteed to supply all the gear we need
07:11direct
07:12from the supplier at rock bottom prices the contact in france the daily enterprise's offshore involvement
07:19is best kept under wraps but take it from me my man will see us right yes how do you
07:25manage with the
07:25language the world of international commerce has its own vocabulary right
07:35dave what you doing here i couldn't stand the thought of you going all that way and coming
07:40back with crates of boos i couldn't shift
07:45arthur if you are determined to go through with this you are going to need a purchasing advisor
07:50dave i find such loyalty very touching and when it comes to slate settling time i won't disappoint
07:56climb aboard
08:07why don't you put them there arthur i can't see well i've got to put them somewhere prominent
08:10well why don't you stick them on the back dave much as i appreciate your sudden appearance from the
08:15subs bench need i remind you we all have specific duties on this trip ray is in charge of language
08:20and lifting you get to taste the wine i am in charge of creative policy decisions
08:42are you all right arthur you look a bit pal there's nothing to worry about i'm not i'm looking forward
08:53to it we're stocking up for private use what are you telling me for
09:01keep calm and don't forget look them straight in the eye don't flinch we ain't done nothing wrong
09:07yet arthur that is not the point dave if you're the slightest bit shifty they remember you i've gleaned
09:12that much from the bloke at the travel agency yeah i knew this was a bad idea oh you may
09:17be feeling the
09:17first tremors of the gentlers dave i am in total command
09:25hey hey what's up what all right what are you doing i'm not having that right sit still
09:32your mother didn't spend all them long hours dragging you back to school so you could start
09:35brawling with a tiller the hun at the first chance he's right ray there's lots of them
09:39good stuff you don't want to cause a fuss look at them look every customs officer in the port
09:45clocking them asking for a run so
09:49enjoy yourself
09:54last box
10:00what's going on you let the stormtroopers straight through
10:07thank you
10:08thank you
10:10you see the stare he gave me
10:12come on
10:13come on
10:15you want some more
10:16come on
10:21you doing all right officer
10:24hey oh yes thanks our usual car broke down so we had to bring this van
10:32amazing little vehicles these amazing what you can get in them yeah i couldn't agree more
10:38though i must say i personally haven't taken advantage of that particular feature
10:43i'm not in a habit of transporting goods in this ever but i have this friend who's an alcoholic and
10:49he does appreciate a lift home in the back when he's had a drop too much still now you've got
10:55it
10:56stock up on a bit of booze eh oh no no no i'm never touching stuff personally
11:09look at that the last time those cliffs had to bear witness to foreign orders
11:14was 1066. we've had the place to ourselves for nearly a thousand years a pity we didn't keep it that
11:21way that is just the kind of blinkered view the new european has got to conquer dave we've got to
11:28remember we're all part of a community hands across the ocean started with our nearest neighbors
11:34yeah this isn't what you used to say oh you've got to remember all them little upset what like
11:39adjunct or hundred years war that sort of thing mere blips in an otherwise harmonious coexistence right
11:44i mean look at the last big dust up the great allies admittedly there was a bit of early
11:50bottling out on their part but all said and done we fought hand in hand shoulder to shoulder
11:57the french and the english are of the same stock separated by a little bit of briny but carved from
12:05the same valve when all said and done one man's cock of our is another man's chicken in the basket
12:16this is the second time we've been around here i told you before we should have turned right
12:20no it must be left left look up there
12:27the town sent us the other way you've got us lost already are they would help with our proper
12:33signs in english it would help if we knew where we was going
12:42we'll be meeting this here contact henry henry outside a cafe it's got a french name you can't miss
12:50it he's got tables outside it's like trying to spot sand dudes in the desert your attitude
13:01isn't helping ray don't you remember what it sounded like i felt like english words no i wasn't paying
13:05attention i mean i thought it would stand out like a beacon
13:11yeah what about this one shade madeleine no no that's not it no can't you uh ask can't you use
13:18your special knowledge special knowledge the talking the french talking but i don't know
13:22what i'm asking for i'm gonna have a sit down my feet's killing me
13:35shut them out ray
13:38okay
13:43no ice in mine and don't drown it with a tonic
13:56charlie
14:06i can't believe it i beg your pardon i thought of you so often
14:11i haven't changed at all
14:13sir
14:14well excuse me i don't know you
14:19charlie it is you
14:23no
14:25what i have done
14:27oh i'm so sorry you look like a friend i knew a long time ago
14:32an english soldier
14:34you have the same military bearing
14:38well one never loses the appearance of a coiled spring and i have done my bit for queen and country
14:43but sadly not the squaddy of fond memory
14:45arthur daly at your service it's my pleasure and honor to have any british servicemen at my table
14:53oh this is your place
14:54mm-hmm she madeleine it used to be chez jacques but since i was widowed
15:01oh no no no let me for the confusion and i hope you'll join me for something
15:07a little more stronger how kind our interpreter seems to be a little bit ring rusty on the food and
15:28drink front
15:30charming woman
15:39Henry, at last.
15:42Henry, je m'appelle Raimondo, et...
15:45Hold up. What happened? I thought you got into trouble.
15:49Hello, Henry. What are you doing here?
15:51Oh, hello, Dave. How are you?
15:52Hold up. Are you him? Henry?
15:56Well, I prefer it with a Y, but I'm not fussed.
15:58Now, listen, there's a couple of things we need to get sorted out.
16:01Let's get back to my place.
16:03Well, can we discuss it here?
16:05I mean, it seems a pity to move when everyone's so comfortable.
16:24It's not the place to live, you know, Arthur.
16:26Not if you've got a nervous stomach.
16:28Food is lethal.
16:29Look, could we consider the state of your health at a later date, Henry?
16:33Now, about our gear.
16:36What can I say?
16:39I'm sorry.
16:40The delivery should have been there today, but there's been some sort of hold-up.
16:44It isn't due in now till tomorrow,
16:46so there's no point us going round to the warehouse because there'd be nothing there.
16:50Marvellous.
16:51Well, what happens now?
16:52There's plenty of places for you to stay. I'll sort you out somewhere.
16:55Look, I've got to get back. I've got a bar to see through.
16:58Yeah, look, we don't want to chuck the baby out with a bathwater.
17:00Oh, excuse me. I must get that ringer fixed.
17:09Yeah, I thought you had this organised, Arthur.
17:11There was I thinking you was getting any European co-development deals.
17:14Turns out you made a couple of calls to an old mate from the smoke.
17:16Yeah, I wish you'd said something, Arthur.
17:18I mean, Henry's never been reliable. He gets too wound up.
17:20Best thing is to get down the hypermarket and stock up there.
17:23Right. We've got to get back tonight, Arthur.
17:24Look, it's just a matter of finding a decent B&B,
17:27keeping down for the night and completing the deal in the morning.
17:30Yeah, I wonder if that place where we had coffee does rooms.
17:32Oh, Arthur, if I didn't know you better...
17:33All right, you want to settle for second best? Go ahead.
17:35I'm going to get Henry to help me try and shift the Eiffels.
17:38That was one of my men.
17:39The stock will definitely be there tomorrow.
17:41It's A1 stuff, and it doesn't come any cheaper.
17:44Yeah, sadly, the English spirit of adventure is lacking in my two companions, Henry.
17:48They're about to do the co-op run.
17:52You've been away with him before, Dave, haven't you?
17:54A long time ago. We went to Grimsby.
17:56Had to drop in on this geezer. I owed him some money.
17:58And how was he?
17:59How do you mean?
18:00Well, you know, he didn't let his hair down, did he?
18:02No more than usual.
18:04Here at one night, we had a few too many, but nothing serious.
18:07No, not like that.
18:08I mean, he wasn't interested in, well, like, playing away.
18:11Playing away?
18:12Yeah, it didn't strike you that he was ever involved with any of the, er,
18:15away-from-home stuff.
18:16Oh, no, he stopped playing by then. It was ligaments, you know.
18:20In any case, we was out of season.
18:22What are you asking?
18:23Dave, the widow, Madeleine.
18:25He seems a bit keen.
18:26Oh, no, that sort of stuff.
18:27No, there's no worries there, Ray. I know it's half a.
18:30Thank God for that.
18:31I would have been out of look auntie in the eye.
18:33Yeah, we'd better crack on.
18:34I've always admired French.
18:37De Gaulle, Pompidou, Distel, leaders of men.
18:42Yes, but for your bravery in the war, where would we be now?
18:46Oh, please, my part was but modest.
18:49And any minor arthritic condition I'm suffering from due to the fateful machine gun assault
18:54is well worthwhile to see you here enjoying the fruits of your labour.
19:00Here he is.
19:02Oh!
19:03Oh, you scared me to death lurking around in here.
19:06Yeah, we haven't been lurking.
19:07We've been waiting.
19:08It was Arthur.
19:10Well, we didn't get rid of any of the Eiffels.
19:11I dropped him off in town.
19:13He was due back here an hour ago.
19:15Well, he never said anything.
19:17I thought you knew where he was.
19:19Yeah, we probably do.
19:23Arthur, what do you think you're doing?
19:25What are you talking about?
19:25We've had nothing solid since the ferry.
19:27Oh, come on, hurry up.
19:28What's he on about?
19:29We'll miss the ferry, Arthur.
19:31We've got loads of time.
19:32Arthur, you haven't put your watch forward.
19:34You're an hour late.
19:35Come on, Arthur.
19:36Oh, my God.
19:38Madeleine, I'm sorry to have to leave you like this.
19:40Captain Daly, a great pleasure to see you.
19:43If ever you come again.
19:45Without fail.
19:45Today's venture is but the beginning.
19:47Arthur.
19:55Well, it's no good looking at me like that.
19:57I didn't know there was only so much room.
20:00First come, first serve.
20:01Oh, yeah, it's all very well being wise after the event.
20:03And what are we going to do now?
20:05Well, I'm not hanging around waiting for another one.
20:07What's French for en suite facilities?
20:14All I'm saying is that Madeleine is an excellent hostess.
20:17And we're known to her.
20:19It seems a logical place to stop.
20:21But it is a cafe, Arthur.
20:22It doesn't do rooms.
20:25You sure it means fault?
20:27Positive.
20:28Why don't we keep in a van?
20:30Look, there's a blanket in the back.
20:32We could open a bottle of booze, we'd be a bit of a lark.
20:35You ever thought of becoming a scout, Master Daly?
20:43I don't know.
20:44Hey, there's no sign there.
20:47Perseverance, Ray.
20:48Seek and you shall find.
20:54Avez-vous des chambres, s'il vous plaît?
21:00I'm not switching the lights off till I hear him speak.
21:09Nice.
21:11Well, you want an extra room, you pay.
21:13No, well, we've done all our cash at the hypermarket here.
21:15And if you remember, the plan was to end the day, Shea Winchester.
21:24What'd you say this place was named after?
21:26La Bastille.
21:27The state prison.
21:27Burnt down during a revolution.
21:29All of it.
21:30I knew Shea Madelaine should have been our port of court.
21:34That looked more than capable of accommodating three weary travellers.
21:37You don't look all that weary to me, Arthur.
21:38She spoke excellent English.
21:40I'm sure I could have negotiated a favourable rate.
21:42Look, we are not going back there again.
21:44It may hold pleasant memories for you, Arthur,
21:46but for the rest of us, it represents the first step on the slippery slope
21:49that leads us here.
21:50Hey, what's happening?
21:52Hold on to your valuables.
21:53No, no, no, it's all right, sir.
21:54It's only the lights.
21:56Are you putting coins in there?
21:57Make a note.
21:58We get it knocked off the bill.
21:59No, Arthur, it's the design.
22:01Well, it's on a timer.
22:02It goes off once you get in bed.
22:03Yeah, what are we going to do about that?
22:04I mean, my maths ain't top-notch, but...
22:06Dave, there is no way I can ask you to take the chair or the cot.
22:10Ray, take your pick.
22:11Oh, no way, Arthur.
22:13The person who calls the foul-up ought to get the bad neck.
22:15No, there is some disagreement about that one, right?
22:19Another advantage of Shea Madelaine is non-stop electricity.
22:22Arthur.
22:23Look, as the holder of the purse strings,
22:25I think it's only fair that I should get one of the beds.
22:27Why? You are the person who forgot what time it was.
22:30You should get a backbreaker.
22:31All right, all right.
22:33We'll draw lots.
22:34What?
22:34Dave?
22:37Which hand is the coin in?
22:45Well done, Dave.
22:48Ray?
22:50Which hand?
22:52Left.
22:54I beg your pardon?
22:56Left.
22:57What, do you mean my left or left as you're looking at me?
22:59Yeah, I mean your left.
23:01This one.
23:03Oh, not again.
23:08I think you said left, Ray.
23:14Can I have a blanket?
23:25Easing up a bit, Ray.
23:27The blood's coming back, I think.
23:29That'd be all right.
23:33The nerve of the man.
23:34Charges us for breakfast.
23:35So?
23:36What, crumbly bread rolls and a cup of coffee?
23:38Where was the kippers in the kedgerie?
23:40Oh, let's not argue about it.
23:41As soon as you get home, you can have a full fry-up.
23:43Right now, I just want to get back and have a shave and a shower.
23:45Yeah, me and all.
23:46And sort of winters are out.
23:47This has cost us a day's take, it's after.
23:58How bad is it?
24:02Left the Eiffel Towers.
24:05If you'd listened to me in the first place, none of this would have happened.
24:08If we'd caught the ferry last night, we could have been loading the stock into the Winchester by now.
24:12I said we should have kipped in the van, Ray could have hit them with a bottle of claret.
24:15You want a job doing, do it yourself.
24:17Why didn't you then?
24:18Because no man can run an empire on his own, Ray.
24:20As soon as a casual labor's in place, the whole enterprise collapses.
24:24And that's what you were doing at Shea Mad Lane's, was it?
24:26Managing your empire?
24:27Now, come on, let's not fall out over this.
24:29It was just one of them things.
24:30We can claim on the insurance.
24:32We can claim on the insurance offer.
24:34I passed on that particular option.
24:36You did what?
24:37Look, it's 20 miles.
24:39They're supposed to be our friends.
24:40What could go wrong?
24:46Let's see.
24:48The signals, if we'll play.
24:53Ray, have another word.
24:55Show him your passport, Her Britannic Majesty.
24:58It won't do no good, Arthur.
24:59Blow on the desk, then the inspector's busy.
25:01Will he see us when he can?
25:02Does he know who we are?
25:04I hope you told him we're not here for some trifling reason.
25:07We are victims of an international incident.
25:09Bonjour, monsieur.
25:10Commissaire Rocher.
25:12Ray, leave this to me.
25:13You translate, I'll tell him what we want.
25:16Arthur Daly, London, England.
25:18Now, look here.
25:18There's supposed to be a new age of solidarity in Europe.
25:21One for all and all for one.
25:23Now, while this is the case in our green and pleasant land, I have grave doubts about your lot.
25:27Monsieur.
25:28It's all very well welcoming us off the boat with a smile and a wave.
25:31But where is the notice saying, hang on to your wallet?
25:33I mean, I wouldn't mind, but I flogged a Renault last week.
25:35I gave it a glowing reference.
25:37And what is my reward?
25:38I am not here but 24 hours before a gang of French tea leaves has it away with the entire
25:43contents of my van.
25:44I mean, we try.
25:45We try to forget the unsavoury incidents of the past.
25:48The odd invasion.
25:50De Gaulle and his mates not letting us join the common market, just when it would be worth having a
25:54dip.
25:55Tons of British lamb carcasses strewn willy-nilly across the autobahn.
25:58But in the end, you have to face facts.
26:01Lord Nelson had it right.
26:04Well, that's it.
26:05You don't want to be more specific?
26:06Yeah, but perhaps you'd better mention cold hits or wherever we happened to spend last night.
26:10Tell him to get health inspector around there.
26:11But be firm.
26:12They are notoriously slow at getting anything done unless you put your foot down.
26:17I think maybe I'll paraphrase.
26:19There is no need.
26:21My English is reasonably good.
26:23Perhaps we should step into my office, if you have no objection.
26:31I have a feeling we probably got off on the wrong foot there, Arthur.
26:39Right.
26:39That's that.
26:41I will give you a copy for your insurance purposes.
26:44If we have any more information, we'll let you know.
26:46But to be quite frank, a van load of alcohol, it's unlikely.
26:50Yeah, sadly, our visit here and any insurance undertaking didn't quite coincide.
26:55So, what about a refund?
26:57I mean, we spent a fortune on that booze.
26:59I understand it was your two friends who purchased the goods.
27:01Whatever personal allowance they chipped in is neither here nor there.
27:04I am bankrolling the operation.
27:08Operation?
27:09Visit.
27:10I wish you'd stop behaving as if we'd done something wrong.
27:12We were going about our lawful business when we were burgled by a foreign faction.
27:16Now, how about showing a bit of European cooperation and bunging us a few francs for what we lost?
27:22Well, that's quite impossible.
27:24I mean, you may have made up the whole story.
27:27Do we look like fabricators?
27:35Let's say that in France, we try very hard not to give in to our prejudices.
27:39I hope you enjoy the rest of your stay.
27:52I'm going French free when we get back.
27:54To think I was in the vanguard, putting trade their way.
27:57Je regret plenty, I can tell you.
28:00Hooray.
28:00What time's the next ferry?
28:02Well, from what I can make out, the next one's in three hours.
28:07We can't go back yet.
28:08We're still severely compromised on the cash front.
28:11I'll cut your losses off.
28:12Well, let's write the whole thing off as a bad idea.
28:14No, we've got to recoup.
28:15It's still not too late to contact Henry.
28:18Work something out with him.
28:19We could still go back in credit.
28:20But this whole thing's been a foul up from start to finish.
28:23It would be stupid to hang around any longer.
28:25I never thought I'd see a daily chuck the towel in so early.
28:28I wish I'd brought one.
28:29Oh, come on, Arthur.
28:30Time's up.
28:31All right, be it on your own head.
28:33But the vanishing drinkables won't pay for themselves, you know.
28:35Come the end of the month, your wage packet could be a little on the light side.
28:39Not his fault, Arthur.
28:40Oh, that's very noble of you to take some of the blame, Dave.
28:42But that still doesn't reimburse me for the theft.
28:44Look, Arthur, I'm going to find a nice cafe, sit down, have a glass of wine,
28:48and try and salvage one good memory from this whole expedition.
28:51You can please yourself, whether you join me or not.
28:56You going with him?
28:58It is a sensible thing to do, Arthur.
29:00Come on.
29:01You've got no money.
29:04Cheers, Arthur.
29:05I only put all mine in paying for the booze.
29:10I'll let you have it back when we get to England.
29:14Come on, Arthur.
29:16No, I've got some unfinished business to do.
29:19I'll see you back at Hotel Alcatraz in a couple of hours.
29:21I'll take the van.
29:26Dear, dear.
29:29Henry!
29:31Henry!
29:33You in here?
29:34Arthur.
29:35I thought you'd gone.
29:38We decided your offer was too good in this.
29:41Well, what about the other stuff you bought?
29:43Court.
29:43Now, is our deal still on?
29:45I don't know, Arthur.
29:46I mean, I wasn't expecting you.
29:48I'd had it all fixed up for this afternoon,
29:50but let's get in late.
29:52What a pity.
29:53Me with all this money in my pocket.
29:57Thank God for that.
29:57Bit of comfort at last, Abe.
30:00I think we did the right thing, Ray,
30:01sticking to this side of town.
30:03We don't want to crap Arthur's style.
30:05Yeah, that's beyond me why he doesn't admit it.
30:07I mean, there's nothing wrong with a fond farewell.
30:08It's not like he's preparing it where Loke with her, is it?
30:11Well, to absent friends.
30:13Cheers.
30:19On the right, Arthur.
30:20How many more times?
30:22I told you I'm not used to this vehicle.
30:23Well, left is left and right is right.
30:25It doesn't matter what you're driving.
30:27Well, if you think you can do any better.
30:28Arthur!
30:30I need to follow the map.
30:32We can hardly steam in down the main road, now can we?
30:34Well, it seems like a very good idea to me.
30:39Here, have one of these.
30:41The beta blockers.
30:42I've been known to have the odd aspirin on New Year's Day, Henry.
30:45But I'd draw the line at anything stronger.
30:48Nerves of steel, Arthur.
30:50Tremendous.
30:52It's just what we need.
31:13Sir, this won't take too long, will it?
31:15I mean, I can't afford to be hanging around.
31:18Who can, Arthur?
31:19Don't worry.
31:20Straight in, straight out.
31:23Arthur, Louis, Louis, Arthur.
31:26How do you do?
31:27Ça va.
31:32You, uh, you did translate that list I gave you into French, didn't you?
31:36You know, all the gear I'm after.
31:37Only, um, I had one little experience today
31:40that suggests the locals are a drop or two short of a full optic.
31:43There's no trouble, Arthur.
31:45We'll look after you.
31:46Good.
31:47Good.
31:48Dave, it's not why Arthur go pursue women.
31:50He never had to, Ray.
31:52It was always them pursuing him.
31:55Oh, Arthur.
31:56Yeah.
31:56Yes, sir.
31:57What about?
32:00I know it's hard to believe, Ray,
32:02but I always used to envy Arthur in the old days.
32:04He was quite a pull.
32:05He was sharp.
32:06He had cash.
32:07A motor.
32:08The women used to flock round.
32:10And he gives me agraph as I might as see the same girl twice.
32:13Oh, well, he never used to, see.
32:14He's always too busy ducking and diving.
32:17Didn't want to get tied down.
32:18Yeah, what happened with auntie, then?
32:19Oh, that was legendary.
32:22She swept him off his feet.
32:24He'd never looked at another woman since.
32:26Until now.
32:27Oh, my God.
32:59You feeling pargy? I'll put the heater on.
33:03Very good, Arthur. Make it so nice and comfy. Very nice.
33:07Let go on. Your boss could do it flat.
33:33Alley! Alley!
33:38They're keen, aren't they? Pierre and Jean-Paul. I thought we might need a bit of muscular help.
33:42Good thinking, Henry. My back's not up to heavy lifting these days.
33:45You wait here.
33:48Come on.
33:53Hey, careful. They're breakables.
34:00Hey, what's the rush?
34:03Let's get in there, Arthur.
34:04They don't believe in a softly, softly approach, do they?
34:07As you said, there's no point hanging about.
34:09Um, do you mind if we settle up now, Arthur?
34:13Oh, of course not. There you go.
34:15It's all there, but feel free to count it.
34:17Oh, no way. Your word's legend.
34:19Pleasure doing business.
34:21Excuse the sweaty palm, adrenaline.
34:23What's that? Oh, no.
34:25What's happening? Leg it, Arthur!
34:34Oh, no way.
34:35Oh, no way.
34:37Oh, no way.
34:40Oh, no way.
34:44Oh, no way.
34:44Oh, no way.
34:45Oh, no way.
34:46Oh, no way.
34:46Oh, no way.
34:46Oh, no way.
34:46Oh, no way.
34:46Oh, no way.
34:46Oh, no way.
34:47Oh, no way.
34:48Oh, no way.
34:49Oh, no way.
34:49Oh, no way.
34:52Oh, no way.
35:11Ah, Mr. Daly, back so soon.
35:13Though I do hope my men behaved in a way that was acceptable to you.
35:17I must admit that on occasions they are unaccountably French.
35:22You can't get him, Dave. He won't take any notice of me.
35:24Yeah, what if he says he wants five minutes more?
35:26Oh, well, he can't have him. Not unless he wants to do the return leg solo.
35:41He's not there.
35:42Did what?
35:43And there's no sign of Madeleine either.
35:47Oh, my God.
35:52You'd better go and get him.
35:54No way, Dave. You're his best friend. You go.
35:56I'm sorry, Ray. There are certain things that makes prepare to do.
36:00Yeah, but I'm family. Think of the trauma.
36:02Oh, good afternoon.
36:05You've been shopping?
36:06Yes.
36:07Is that the normal practice over here?
36:10What do you mean?
36:11Where's Arthur?
36:12I haven't seen him.
36:14I thought you had all left.
36:18Please, try and see it from my point of view.
36:21A warehouse is broken into, the alarm systems are operated, my men speed to the scene of the crime, and
36:27on their arrival, they find you, climbing from a van stuffed full of the same merchandise that, moments before, was
36:34stolen from the warehouse.
36:34It's not like it seems.
36:36Oh, no, no, no, no, no. It gets better.
36:38We have a suspect at the scene of the crime.
36:40We have the evidence all about his person.
36:42And the best thing is, we know that this same man was himself a victim of a theft a few
36:47hours before, was uninsured, and was therefore most keen to recover something of what he had lost.
36:54You are not in a strong position, Mr. Daly.
36:56I assure you I am innocent of all the charges.
37:00In addition, you have made it quite clear that you hold our country in low regard.
37:04Therefore, you would have no remorse about committing a crime of this kind.
37:07You are taking all my previous remarks out of context.
37:09Oh, yes. What else did you say? Remember Waterloo? How could you trust a nation that eats garden slugs?
37:15I was upset. I'd had a terrible shock.
37:20Tell me, Mr. Daly, have you ever seen the film Papillon?
37:25You sure you don't want it?
37:27Of course not. I'm happy to assist.
37:29Oh, I hope he's all right.
37:32Where are we going?
37:33Your brains seem a little scrambled, Mr. Daly.
37:36I think you need some time to reconsider what you've said.
37:39I don't know what you're talking about.
37:41In years to come, Mr. Daly, French students will study this.
37:44Alongside Zola and Hugo up there with Voltaire and Moliere,
37:48this will be regarded as one of the greatest works of fiction ever undertaken in France.
37:52That is a sequence of events as accurate as I can remember.
37:55You've got to take into account I had a disturbed night of slumber the previous evening.
38:00I was in a fragile state.
38:31I decided to go for a drive.
38:31behind a Gaelic cause.
38:33Nothing could be further from the truth.
38:34The Daly's have always been staunch supporters of the French.
38:38Tired by the heavy emotional toll of this journey, I pulled up for a little nap.
38:43I opened the back doors of the van as it was a warm day.
38:46Your men had a sweat on when they chucked me in a black mariah for questioning.
38:50Please, Mr. Daly.
38:52I was awoken by a rocking sensation and a loud noise.
38:55I heard a voice shout,
38:57Quick, that van looks, Andy.
38:59That is when I was awoken.
39:00I tried to stop the men, who incidentally were all masked, but they legged it.
39:05That was when your brave boys arrived on the scene, just as I was about to give chase.
39:11It could save us so much time and effort if you could recount what actually went on, Mr. Daly.
39:17I hope you're not casting aspersions on my honesty.
39:19I don't know what the rules are here, but in England, that is a very serious offence.
39:27I'll see you later.
39:30Give me a call if your memory clears on the meantime.
39:33Ian, where am I going?
39:42He's deserted.
39:45I can't find a soul here.
39:46I don't like this, Ray.
39:47Arthur wouldn't wander off on his own, not abroad.
39:50Try the out there.
39:51You might as well.
39:53This is all a terrible estate.
39:55I'm a British subject.
39:56Come on, get me the embassy.
39:57You can't do this to me.
40:15You're not sure.
40:23You think he got confused?
40:25Took an earlier ferry.
40:27Maybe he's down at the docks.
40:30Dave, we're going to have to report him missing.
40:33I'll go with you, of course.
40:55I'll go with you.
41:06He's here, isn't he?
41:07Well, what's happened? I couldn't keep up.
41:10Captain Delia's been arrested.
41:14I speak a little English.
41:18Very good.
41:20I've been at sea.
41:23Yeah, well, that would be logical.
41:28Six months.
41:29Six months.
41:32It's very lonely.
41:35Don't have debt coins.
41:41I like your hat.
41:44It suits you.
41:46I'm not gone.
41:48Arthur.
41:50Ray, in the nick of time.
41:51Come on, get this unlocked and get me out of here.
41:53You can't go anywhere, Arthur.
41:54They caught you red-handed.
41:56I mean, what were you doing?
41:57I was trying to make up for the stuff we had nicked.
41:59By indulging in a bit of out of ours yourself?
42:01I didn't know he was pulling a job.
42:03We had crossed lines.
42:06What have you told him?
42:07What?
42:07About Henry.
42:09Well, it's the only way you stand a chance.
42:11No, I'm not grass, Henry.
42:12That goes against the grain.
42:15Arthur, do you want to get out of here or not?
42:17Well, that's a matter of principle.
42:19Captain Delia, I know this is all some terrible mistake.
42:23I will contact an old friend, a fine lawyer.
42:27He'll come and see you first thing in the morning.
42:30Morning?
42:30The inspector's gone after.
42:32We can't do nothing till then.
42:33What about bail?
42:34I thought you'd bung a few quid and we'd be back at the Winchester
42:37before they'd finish their morning cocoa.
42:39Well, sorry, Arthur.
42:40We can't do anything until tomorrow morning.
42:42Let's just get some sleep, eh?
42:46Sleep?
42:48I don't think so, Ray.
42:53I hope he's all right.
42:55Ray?
42:56I hope he's all right.
42:58Oh, I hope this liar is.
42:59He said shtuck on us.
43:02What about prison?
43:04How do you mean?
43:05If he goes down, do you want him to do it over here
43:09or would I transfer him to an English, Nick?
43:11Well, there's that big one on the Isle of Wight.
43:13Maybe they'll send him there, split the difference.
43:17I'll tell you what, Dave.
43:18If he doesn't mention Henry, I will.
43:20It's his only option.
43:21You can't do that, Ray.
43:22Why not?
43:23Arthur has never squealed.
43:25And that means a lot to him.
43:26Yeah, but, Dave, it's not his fault.
43:28Not this time.
43:34Merci, Didier.
43:34Merci beaucoup.
43:36Merci, au revoir.
43:38I'm sorry.
43:39Didier says Captain Daly is in a very weak position.
43:43There is little he can do for him.
43:45There is no need.
43:47Mr. Daly is free to go.
43:49We've caught the instigator.
43:51We've been observing him for some time.
43:52He confirms that Mr. Daly had no idea whatsoever he was involved in a raid.
43:56He was duped.
43:58It's a lady.
44:01I knew it.
44:03I knew it.
44:04I knew it.
44:06Henry, what's going on?
44:07Oh, Ray.
44:09You haven't got any paracetamol, have you?
44:10Only the way this lot burst in, yelling and shouting, you'd think they'd never heard her coming quietly.
44:14Yeah, but what about Arthur?
44:15They're letting him go.
44:16Well, there's no point.
44:17There's both copping for it.
44:19I mean, I'm Nick, but Arthur can go home when I say so.
44:22Well, at least I can do.
44:24Oh, Rochelle was dying to get him.
44:27He told me about what Arthur said.
44:30About the raid.
44:31That's priceless.
44:33No mention of me at all.
44:35You've got to admire that, Ray.
44:37Careful, I've got an ulcer.
44:44Whenever I look at it, I will think of you.
44:50It has been my pleasure.
44:51Mine too.
44:55Perhaps the next time business...
44:57Sadly, daily into Europe will be taking a little less of the hands-on approach to the Europe bit from
45:02now on.
45:02But if I'm here for any other reason, I'll definitely call in.
45:07Come on, Arthur.
45:10It's time to go.
45:15Oh, well.
45:17Tell her.
45:24Bye-bye!
45:29Bye-bye!
45:35Come back soon.
45:39I shall have nightmares about this trip for the rest of my life.
45:42Yeah, next time you want me to get on a ferry with you, Arthur, unless it's leaving from Woolwich, forget
45:46it.
45:47Well, at least we can crack through customs around feeling guilty.
45:50Green Channel, Ray.
46:09What's happening?
46:09We've got nothing to declare.
46:13What's the problem?
46:14Routine check.
46:15I'll just have a look in the back, if I may.
46:17Well, it's open.
46:27Nothing there.
46:29Exactly.
46:30Now can we go?
46:31A big transit van that you'd normally expect to be struggling to cope with the weight on its axle,
46:36laden down with booze and other goodies,
46:39is in fact empty, completely bare.
46:43Have you got a problem, mate?
46:44I have.
46:45Perhaps you'd like to step down from the vehicle.
46:53I have had more successful operations.
46:56All I want to do now is forget about it.
46:58Never make that mistake, Ray.
47:00The successful entrepreneur is never beaten.
47:03Just temporarily off target.
47:05I mean, the concept was good.
47:07Cheaper booze means higher profits.
47:09The mistake was crossing the sea to the land of the eathen.
47:12We should have looked closer to her.
47:14Arthur, what are you talking about?
47:17Does Burt still have that own brew kit?
47:20I mean, how different can it be?
47:24Cheers.
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