- 16 minutes ago
First broadcast 8th December 2006.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Jo Brand
Phill Jupitus
Jessica Hynes (as Jessica Stevenson)
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Jo Brand
Phill Jupitus
Jessica Hynes (as Jessica Stevenson)
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
00:04and welcome to QI, the home, the home from home of the discerning couch potato.
00:09Plumping my cushions tonight are Phil Jupitus, Joe Brand, Jessica Stevenson, and TV's mop top, Alan Davis.
00:30Now, tonight's edition is all about domesticity, dry cleaning, dishwashers, dustbusters, dirt devils, detergent, door hinges, and the like.
00:41And we have familiar domestic noises to match. Joe goes...
00:52Phil goes...
00:54Jessica goes...
00:58Oh, I know that. It's a Pifco Trismatic 17.
01:03And Alan goes...
01:08Oh, yes.
01:13So all genders are comfortably assigned their tasks.
01:17Tell me something interesting now about dry cleaning.
01:21They put your clothes on the radiator and then they fold them.
01:26Well, now, that's interesting. Because you're saying dry cleaning is therefore well-named.
01:31Yeah. Well, there's steam. Is there steam involved?
01:33Not steam, no. But it's a wet clean, it's just not water.
01:37It's a chemical solvent, chloroethylene known as PERC.
01:41Dry cleaning's actually something spies do, isn't it?
01:43The sort of procedures they go through to try and find out whether they're being followed or not.
01:48Well, give the young lady girl some points. Absolutely right, yes.
01:51They do sudden U-turns when they're driving and they dip into shops and go out the back exits and
01:56so on.
01:56Check whether an umbrella's just about to go up their arse.
01:59It's that kind of thing, exactly. And they call it dry cleaning for some reason.
02:02So, while we're on the subject of dry cleaning materials, what use did Ray Davis have for 100,000 gallons
02:10of dry cleaning fluid in 1964?
02:15Had the kinks run out of crack?
02:20Not that, I don't think. I don't think crack had been invented in 1964, but there is Ray, given no
02:26relation I...
02:26No relation that I know of. No.
02:29Did he have a dry cleaning shop?
02:32We've put up a picture of Ray Davis because you mentioned the kinks, but this particular Ray Davis, who's a
02:37physicist,
02:37and he wanted to find out how many neutrinos were being beamed out of the sun.
02:42And so he had this huge pit dug in Leadville. There he is.
02:47Oh, Ray Davis!
02:49Yeah!
02:50You see? He's rather endearingly known as Ray Davis Jr, actually.
02:56And he had all this done, 50,000 feet nearly underground, because neutrinos are weird things that go through everything.
03:02There are millions literally going through your body now, all the time. They have no mass. They go through light
03:07-years thickness of lead, just like that, without leaving a trace.
03:10So, this Mr. Davis here, as we have a panel of ladies tonight for a chance, Stephen, are they hot
03:15or not?
03:17What do you reckon? Would you?
03:19I think he is hot.
03:20Yeah?
03:21I'm waiting up to the sun to count the neutrinos.
03:22Yeah, and after a few pints of dry cleaning fluid, I think.
03:25Would you have a crack at him? Would you?
03:27I'd wave my crack.
03:29Wave your crack at him.
03:30Can you do that with crack? I don't know, you can.
03:32You can if you've got a specially designed trolley.
03:37Well, the reason he had this dry cleaning fluid is there's lots of chlorine in the chloroethylene, and one neutrino
03:42will change it to one atom of argon, so you can know how many neutrinos have hit it.
03:46And then you know how much neutrino activity is coming from the sun.
03:50Is this every time you talk like this, can a physicist do a shot? Is this some kind of bizarre
03:55physics drinking room?
03:56Well, it is, no, it's at the very basis of all our understanding of the universe, is to try and
04:01understand the neutrinos.
04:02So what happens to, when the, when the, so is it, it, just run it by me again, just, I
04:09really am.
04:09You've got neutrinos streaming, solar neutrinos, streaming from the sun.
04:14Right, solar neutrinos.
04:14Billions and billions and billions of seconds.
04:16They're everywhere, how do you distinguish between the solar neutrinos and any other neutrinos? I'm sorry, I just...
04:20You know, you're so right. They are essentially invented to make the mathematics of modern physics work.
04:25Right.
04:25Some people believe they really are the secrets of the entire universe.
04:27I am finding this absolutely fascinating, but if we could have the picture of Ray up again, I think the
04:31most extraordinary thing, a bloke in Marigolds, I think that...
04:37It's only got yellow because probably Mrs. Davis got them.
04:40I've got your new work gloves, Ray.
04:43Are the neutrinos going through me now?
04:46Yes, dear.
04:49I can never feel them.
04:52What did he do with all the dry cleaning fluid afterwards? Did he, did he then open a dry cleaning
04:56shop?
04:56It's a very good point because it's, it's hazardous waste.
04:58Chuck it in the river.
04:59Probably.
05:00It was, it was deep down in the ground, it's probably still there in Leadville.
05:04Leadville, South Dakota rather than Leadville, Colorado, I believe.
05:07Oh, he's American, is he?
05:08Ah, yeah, you see.
05:10But he doesn't look American.
05:11I know what you mean.
05:13He looks like, he looks like, he looks like he's in a shed in Gloucestershire.
05:17He's not a, howdy, is he? He's a, hello.
05:21Oh, I'm right.
05:23But he has one thing that he is, in the Guinness Book of Records, the biggest penis in physics.
05:28Oh, dear.
05:29Look, he was the oldest ever winner of the Nobel Prize.
05:3588 years old, he won the Nobel Prize.
05:37Really?
05:37I think he is related to me, actually.
05:39Oh, you see, you can share it.
05:41Yeah, the Nobel Prize winner, I've heard of him at Christmas.
05:44Your cousin Ray won a Nobel Prize.
05:51Are you busy?
05:53Of course you're not.
05:56A little more domestic science now, I think.
05:59What was the propulsion system used for the very first vacuum cleaner?
06:03Oh, my dear Phil.
06:05Mr. Kingdom Brunel, I believe, fashioned a 95-tonne steam-powered hoover that sucked his entire house into it.
06:17Which is why, when you see those photos of him by the big chains, he always looks so grumpy.
06:21He has to get in the bag every night to go to bed.
06:26Where do you think?
06:28I'll turn to the girls, because you'll know far more about vacuum cleaners.
06:30Ah, no.
06:32I'm joking, of course, it's post-ironic something rather.
06:36Which country do you think first saw that?
06:38I think it was in England.
06:39It was, is correct.
06:40I think it was like a couple of really energetic hamsters sort of running round on a wheel.
06:46Well...
06:47Someone thrashed them.
06:48They were horse-drawn.
06:49The horses weren't actually powering the vacuum.
06:52Horse-drawn?
06:52The first one was a horse-drawn mover.
06:54Why would that be, do you imagine?
06:55Is it farming-related?
06:57Not farming-related.
06:58It was simply that they were so vast.
07:00Well, you couldn't sell an individual one to a house.
07:02It was a cleaning service done from the street.
07:04Obviously, the hoses went in through the window.
07:07And the clever thing was he had transparent tubes,
07:09so everybody would gather round and watch the dust being sucked in and go,
07:12ooh, and ah, and hurrah.
07:15Did you do hoovering?
07:16Do you hoover?
07:16Do you hoover, do you hoover?
07:17Brenda Hoovers and my...
07:19Brenda?
07:20She's your...
07:21Whilst listening to the soundtrack of Mamma Mia on an iPod.
07:25Wearing nothing but frilly panties?
07:26She's 59.
07:30I have a quotation for you here, specifically for you, Joe.
07:33How do you know if it's time to wash the dishes and clean your house?
07:37Oh, because bubonic plague has broken out?
07:40This is a quotation from a dictionary of common quotations,
07:43and the author of the quotation is one Joe Brand.
07:46Oh, that one.
07:47She's...
07:48Crap.
07:49The other is, look inside your pants.
07:52If you find a penis in there, it's not time.
07:57There you are.
07:58Do you want to say that?
08:01I think that's my grandmother.
08:04She's always saying things like that.
08:07Anyway, there's your vacuuming.
08:09Hubert Cecil Booze.
08:111903, he invented it.
08:12He was from Gloucestershire.
08:14But from housework, I think, to homework.
08:16Complete the following sentence using the appropriate adverb.
08:21That's the word that usually ends in L-Y.
08:23So, first practical dishwasher was invented to wash dishes more...
08:29Quickly.
08:29More quickly, yes.
08:30Oh, dear no.
08:32Thoroughly.
08:33Thoroughly.
08:35Cleanly.
08:35Oh, dear.
08:38Firing on my mouth.
08:41You're doing well on the adverbs.
08:43Yes.
08:43But it's neither quickly nor cleanly.
08:46More often than women could be asked to.
08:49Yeah, not...
08:50Daily.
08:50Not more...
08:52See what I did there?
08:54Not more daily, no.
08:56More steamily.
08:57Boundly.
08:58Slowly.
08:59Not more slowly, but...
09:01Fastly.
09:03Safely.
09:04Safely is the right answer.
09:06Well done!
09:07Well done, Jessica.
09:09Excellent.
09:11Yeah.
09:12The inventor was an American woman.
09:14And she was very rich, so she didn't need to wash the dishes herself.
09:17So it wasn't done as a labour...
09:18Mrs. Hotpoint.
09:19No.
09:20Nothing.
09:21Her name...
09:22Her name was Cochran.
09:25Oh, Mama.
09:26Juice.
09:27Oh, you thought Raymond Davis was foxy.
09:31She was from a quite grand family.
09:34Her great-great-grandfather, John Crazy Fitch, invented the steamboat.
09:38Because he said, I'm going to get this boat, it's going to have steam driving the wheels.
09:41You're crazy, John!
09:44You're crazy!
09:46You're crazy!
09:46Just sort of stuck.
09:47Just watch me.
09:48Yeah.
09:50But she had 17th century porcelain, which was very fond, and her servants were forever chipping it as they washed
09:55up.
09:55And one night, she actually dismissed them for the evening and said, I'm going to wash up and show you
10:00how it could be done without chipping.
10:01And she found she was chipping things, so she said, I need to invent a machine that will wash without
10:06chipping.
10:07So the idea of the racks would put them all in separately so they never knock against each other.
10:11And it was a huge success.
10:12And when her husband died in 1883, leaving her virtually penniless, she actually needed it.
10:17She built a small one and a big one.
10:19And a big one could do 200 dishes in two minutes and dry them.
10:23It cost $250, which was a huge amount then.
10:27I'm talking about the 1880s.
10:28It was really hotels and big institutions that bought them.
10:31But it won first prize at the World's Fair in Chicago in 1893.
10:34Is that her there?
10:37That's the wonderful World's Fair of Chicago, which was a great event in its own.
10:40They had the world's first Ferris wheel, designed by George...
10:44Clooney.
10:47And Mildred, the first Ferris wheel.
10:49George Merri.
10:50Yes, well done, you see.
10:53You've made up for a little bit of embarrassment early on.
10:55But there we are.
10:56In the words of Emma Bombeck,
10:59housework can be fatal if you do it right.
11:01In Britain, the odds of being killed in an accident in your home are the same as those of being
11:07killed in a car crash.
11:09In 2003, a woman in Scotland was killed in a freak dishwasher accident.
11:14What happened?
11:14She slipped on the floor and fell onto a knife sticking out of the cutlery basket.
11:18That's right.
11:19Sure, you put the knives in point down, don't you?
11:20I've cut my point down, don't you?
11:22Well, sometimes you get a better clean on the blade if it's...
11:26I clean my knives in a crossbow.
11:31Some people say it's foolish.
11:33I put them in the hoover and set it on blow and then just shoot water at them around the
11:38kitchen as I sit with a plug, bare-wired at my feet,
11:43kneeing on it.
11:45Gotta get a better clean.
11:49What was the second communist cause of death for women up to the year 1800?
11:55Yes.
11:57Kestrels.
11:59What a wild stab in the dark.
12:01Childbirth.
12:02Childbirth was number one.
12:04Oh, right.
12:04Very good that...
12:06Was Kestrels number two?
12:07No.
12:08It was number two I was asking for and I took that to be your answer the first time round.
12:12Dehydration from having to lick the carpet clean cause hoovers haven't been invented.
12:18Were these deaths at night?
12:20Cause I could go with owls.
12:24Let me say it's no kind of bird of prey.
12:26Not even a swan?
12:27Not even a swan.
12:28Swans flying at women really hard with stiff necks until they went through their bodies like a javelin.
12:35No.
12:36In line all over the British countryside with swans.
12:38I know.
12:40Is it horse riding accidents?
12:42No, that's...
12:43If I may say so, I'd greatly get more intelligent.
12:45And I don't mean that in a patronising way.
12:46Beans were a pulp by their husbands.
12:49Oh, hello.
12:50No, domestic violence was not it.
12:52Beans were a pulp by their sons.
12:55That would still be domestic violence.
12:57Falling down the stairs.
12:58No.
12:58It was trying to do something.
13:00It was engaged in a domestic activity.
13:02Cooking is the right answer, yes.
13:04That's by cooking.
13:05Yeah, largely because their dresses would catch fire.
13:08I don't know if that's funny.
13:10It is.
13:10Jeez.
13:13The second most common cause of death.
13:15After childbirth amongst women.
13:16What happened to you?
13:16I set light to herself in a kitchen.
13:19I bet a lot of their husbands came in and went,
13:21Blimey, that's a big roasty.
13:25Well, a quick scoot round now.
13:27Some handy household hints that I wanted to help me with.
13:30Jo, what's a good way to create the impression that you've cleaned the house when you haven't?
13:34Just lock the door and kill everyone.
13:38This is to create that awful word, freshness.
13:42Open the window?
13:44Well, you'd think, frankly.
13:45Drink some lavender water and have a piss.
13:49Every time you get a minicab home, nick the little tree off of his mouth.
13:55I'm no fan of this, Tim, and it only works in the autumn and winter months.
13:58You spray or apply furniture polish to a radiator.
14:02And it fills the room with the smell of furniture polish.
14:05These hints are either from a book called Trade Secrets by Catherine Lapworth and Alexandra Fraser,
14:10or from Super Hints by the Lady...
14:12I know those two.
14:13Do you know...?
14:14It slags the pair of them.
14:16What do you know?
14:17There's a book called Super Hints by the Lady Waddington.
14:20Yeah, I know her.
14:20Do you know the Lady Waddington?
14:22She's a bitch.
14:23So, you know, let's get on to more practical occasions.
14:26All right.
14:27Okay, Jessica, we'll try this one.
14:28How would you treat silk like spaghetti and vice versa?
14:33What, store it in a jar?
14:35It's...
14:36There's something you can do to each of them.
14:38Throw it against the wall, see if it sticks.
14:41Ah!
14:42But what sort of wall?
14:43Kitchen.
14:44A kitchen wall.
14:47Take it round the house and find it all.
14:49If I come in...
14:51What if I come in?
14:56You think it's ready?
15:04I'm waiting for the taste of silk.
15:05Why would you throw silk against the wall?
15:07Well...
15:08I'd be passionate, you know.
15:10You'd throw silk against the brick wall.
15:12It would stick if it...
15:14If it was silk.
15:14If it were silk, exactly.
15:16It's a test to see if it's not polyester or crimpling or something.
15:19But it's ruin then, once you've peeled it off again.
15:21Well, it doesn't stick like spaghetti.
15:23It just catches and you just pull it off.
15:25Took the paint off my kitchen wall, the spaghetti.
15:28Yes, but the silk wouldn't take anything off your brick wall.
15:31That's all vice versa.
15:32Nonetheless, Brenda wouldn't chance it now.
15:34If she saw any silk stuck on the wall, she'd leave it.
15:39So, Phil, what would you clean with a stick of rhubarb...
15:43Dog's arse, next.
15:44A dog's arse, right.
15:45Right, right.
15:46Get it right in here.
15:47And B...
15:51One use per stick of rhubarb?
15:53I wouldn't be putting it in the crumble if that's what you're asking.
15:58Brown sauce is my next one.
15:59Yes.
16:00I'm bracing myself for the sirens, but coins.
16:03Window.
16:03They would clean them.
16:04Windows, no, I don't think.
16:07Not windows.
16:08No.
16:09No, really, I mean, coins was a good answer.
16:11I mean, copper.
16:11Copper.
16:12Copper and brass, yeah.
16:13But I don't want you to get all excited and think, my God, I've got two points for that,
16:17because actually the rhubarb sticking it up a dog's arse is not right.
16:20Some people say aluminium sauce comes up lovely with rhubarb, but tell me silver.
16:24Silver does very well.
16:25You clean silver with rhubarb.
16:26How do you do that?
16:27Well, they sort of stick, I mean...
16:28Yeah, you just rub it in like that and then you buff it off.
16:30Because if I walked into a room and saw a man rubbing rhubarb on my silver, I would beat him
16:35with an inch of his life and call the police.
16:39And then you walk in there and he's doing what you've recommended.
16:41Morning.
16:43The dog's in the other corner looking a bit nervous.
16:46Well, anyway, it seems to be true.
16:48These are good ecologically sound things we may have to return to the days when we used lemon and vinegar
16:52and brown sauce.
16:53I'd never get me coppers out me pocket and think they look a bit dull.
16:57You're the ones who suggested coins.
16:59I was saying a kettle, for example, or any other...
17:01No one has a kettle like that!
17:03What are you plugging there?
17:05Look at it!
17:06We don't all live in a fluffy, duffy Dickensian world of charm like you!
17:10No!
17:11There goes the kettle!
17:13And the aga!
17:15It's a perfectly sensible way of cooking food and preparing meals and it keeps the kitchen warm!
17:21It's so...
17:21I wonder f***ing twining's had you, pal!
17:24It was...
17:28I feel...
17:31I feel a man of copper kettles!
17:34I've had proper porcelain tea, pal!
17:38Oh, England!
17:39Cricket!
17:40Can you do an advert where you're cleaning a kettle with some brown sauce?
17:44A jolly well will now!
17:46Stephen Fry for HP!
17:47No!
17:49Oh, you're ineffably silly but totally on fire and that's wonderful.
17:52You should have some points somewhere along the line but not for the rhubarb bump the dog's arse!
17:57Alan!
17:58Alan!
17:58Alan!
17:59Alan!
17:59Your chance to shine but not in this case kettles!
18:01What is the cheapest way to remove blood stains from clothes?
18:08Let's imagine if you cut yourself shaving and you've got a spot there!
18:11The cheapest way!
18:12Yeah!
18:13You have to go down the river and beat it on a rock!
18:16Quick at night!
18:16I mean, keep the shirt on almost!
18:18Hot water, spit!
18:19Oh, you're right!
18:20Your own saliva!
18:21Yeah!
18:21Suck it out!
18:22Can I just say I'm so impressed you've got a picture of my husband in our fantasy set!
18:29What do you wear in this scene?
18:31Oh, I sort of kind of chop one of my limbs off and kind of make myself white and just
18:37lie there like this!
18:41And he comes in, gives me an injection, cleans my arse with a bit of rhubarb and then we watch
18:49Neighbours!
18:49It's great!
18:50You see, there's no need to go out on the town beating people up and drinking Bacardi Breezes!
18:56You can have innocent time!
18:59I know about hoodies and pikies and chairs!
19:07Now, ladies, put up your feet a moment because this one's for father and younger son only!
19:13So, Phil and Alan, tell us something interesting about door hinges!
19:21Door hinges used to be made out of wood, but they weren't very effective and so then they started making
19:30them out of metal and it's got a lot better since then!
19:36You can clean them with brown sauce!
19:39Well, that's true!
19:40That is true!
19:41Have you ever hung a door on its hinges? Have you ever fitted hinges to a door?
19:45Yeah, we have!
19:46We have!
19:46You have!
19:47Yeah!
19:47Alright, so how do you space the hinges out?
19:49Let's say the top hinge is...
19:51Yeah!
19:51...six inches from the lintel?
19:53Yes!
19:54Where would the bottom hinge be?
19:55Six inches from the floor?
19:56No, it would be lower!
19:56He's actually taking seriously that we really have hung doors!
20:01It would be...
20:01I have hung a door!
20:02Oh, she has really hung a door!
20:04I've hung a blow!
20:05I've hung it wrong!
20:05Yeah!
20:08The point is this!
20:09Let's say this is the jam!
20:10So the up one, that's six inches from the top, but that's nine inches up!
20:14Yeah!
20:15In order to create the effect of them being equally spaced, because you're always looking
20:18down at the bottom one, and there's foreshortening, if you actually equally space them, it looks
20:23wrong, it looks as if the lower one is too low!
20:25Like...
20:26So you have to do it to that...
20:27But in America, it's five and ten!
20:29And in some western states of America, it's seven and eleven like a shop!
20:33Yes!
20:34It is!
20:35Seven inches down, eleven like a shop!
20:38I know!
20:39It's a shocker!
20:40You heard it here first, Jo!
20:41I'm frightened now!
20:42I bet you are!
20:44Is there a doctor here?
20:45I want to imagine you measuring your door hinges when you get home and say,
20:49Stephen was right!
20:49I'm going to send you a picture of me measuring my door hinges naked!
20:54Yes, please!
20:55I want to!
20:56But the middle one goes exactly in between the two, so there's the six, the nine, and
21:00then, in the middle.
21:02There's the interesting thing about door hinges.
21:03Doors are 78 inches long.
21:06All doors?
21:07Domestic doors, generally, you might have to take a bit off.
21:09That's six foot six.
21:10How do you know that?
21:11Bought a door recently.
21:12I know.
21:15You see?
21:16And who hung it?
21:17Who hung it on its hinges?
21:18Er, my friend Keith is a carpenter.
21:20Well, he'll know about that.
21:21He's also a stand-up comedian, so it's a right laugh having him round.
21:23Oh my God!
21:26Er, the door handle kept turning like that, and turning, and turning, and turning.
21:30And I couldn't get into the loo.
21:32And I really needed to go.
21:35So I kicked the door in.
21:37And it's the only time I've ever kicked a door in.
21:40It's wrong.
21:41Great feeling.
21:41And it was cheap, blimsy door, and it smashed like that, and it exploded, and the door bit
21:46fell down, and there was wood everywhere, and I burst in, and had a crack.
21:52Lovely!
21:52Very nice.
21:52Very nice.
21:55When I left university, me and my friend Hugh Laurie shared a house, and we had a bit
21:59of work to do, and our plasterers, do you know who they were?
22:03Oh!
22:08And you were their inspiration.
22:11Yes.
22:12For so many characters.
22:13Exactly.
22:15Stephen, the fellas in the hall are awfully funny.
22:20That's you, isn't it?
22:21Right?
22:22I'm telling you.
22:24What do you say we're listening on them and make a few jokes?
22:29I think the boot was on the other foot.
22:31I think the boot was very much on the other foot.
22:34They overheard us being amusing in the kitchen.
22:39Now, finally, we plunge into the cupboard under the stairs to entangle ourselves in the
22:43kite strings of general ignorance.
22:46So, fingers on buzzers, and first one, name a drink made from beans.
22:53Oh, it's got to be coffee.
22:55No!
22:56My God!
22:57No, coffee is made from the seeds of the coffee plant.
23:00It has no beans.
23:01It has cherries and berries, and it has seeds.
23:04But although we call them beans...
23:05Coffee beans, but no beans.
23:06It isn't a bean.
23:07In the botanical setting.
23:09Beans.
23:09Like Mr Bean or Bean Beans.
23:11Beans, Harika Beans, Mung Beans.
23:14Runner Beans.
23:14I know different types of beans.
23:16Oh, good.
23:16I'll chew.
23:17It's not in that sense of bean.
23:19Bean, bean, bean, bean, bean, bean.
23:20So, that's it.
23:21You could have said that.
23:22Baked bean juice.
23:23Yes, a pea soup.
23:24I call it that.
23:24I call it baked bean juice.
23:27What, the juice from a baked bean can?
23:28Yeah.
23:29The tomato sauce.
23:30Yeah.
23:32It's sugar.
23:33It's sugar and water and tomato sauce.
23:36So, Brainiac, what can we clean with that?
23:39The research is out the back now, sticking flowers in it, pouring it over dogs.
23:44Do you know, I was at university, there was a young man who was called Heinz.
23:49I knew it wasn't his real name, because he was actually a Newtonian, rather blonde, a few
23:52guy.
23:52He was really nice.
23:53Oh, hi.
23:55Really super guy.
23:56Very funny.
23:57Everything was really funny.
23:58Really nice.
24:02And I asked a friend who'd been at school, I said, his name's William or Piers or Hamish,
24:07whatever, you know.
24:08I said, why does everyone call him Heinz?
24:09He said, no, he was at school.
24:11Somebody burst into his room without knocking, and he had a mound of baked beans all over his
24:15knob, and he was wanking in it.
24:18And I saw this poor guy, and everyone's called him Heinz.
24:22He went, hi, yeah, absolutely.
24:23I said, Heinz.
24:26I used to put boiling hot cheese on top of my beans.
24:29I hope you didn't put on top of your beans.
24:31Thank God for that.
24:33His beans are you for me, is there, in this case?
24:35When you go in, and he's there, what do you say in that situation?
24:38Sorry.
24:39Black pepper, sir.
24:43Stop that.
24:46What kind of culinary accident do you have to have to discover the pleasure of the beans?
24:53Any old teller?
24:54He spilled it in his lap.
24:55He just sat down towards the teller.
24:57Oh, no.
24:59Mind you.
25:05Oh, hell.
25:06So, yes, pea soup, you could have said, of course.
25:08There's something you drink that's made from beans.
25:10Coffee is really a fruit, and they're made from seeds, not beans.
25:13Now, have you ever slid down a banister?
25:15Yes.
25:17Well...
25:20I have to say.
25:24Yes, I have.
25:26Please don't destroy Alan's childhood.
25:30There is, blessed.
25:31Yes, the point is this, that the little thin up and down is our balusters,
25:35sometimes wrongly called banisters, and the bit on the top is the balistrade.
25:39So you should be sliding down a baristrade, not a banister.
25:42When I was at college, I slid down a barrister.
25:44Did you?
25:47Did you hit yourself on the knob at the end?
25:49Yes.
25:54Very good indeed.
25:56Anyway, and now, for 200 points, what did Wordsworth smell?
26:01Well, daffodils, obviously.
26:02Oh, dear.
26:04That's minor.
26:04Clouds.
26:05He smelled clouds.
26:06He smelled clouds?
26:07No, he didn't.
26:08When he wandered lonely as one, he didn't.
26:10The answer, I'm afraid, is nothing.
26:11He was anosmic.
26:12Look, he had no sense of smell at all.
26:16He could not smell anything.
26:18Robert Southey and various others reported on this.
26:20He had no sense of smell.
26:21Is that why he's looking kind of worried?
26:22He is.
26:22He's very worried there.
26:23Well, what does it smell like?
26:27He only makes two references to smells in all his poems.
26:30You can be congenitally anosmic, or you could get it from a bang on the head,
26:34or occasionally from a vitamin A deficiency.
26:36So, it's time, ladies and gentlemen, one and all, to look at the scores.
26:41Do you know, for the first time on the show, and she's the outright winner with minus three,
26:47it's Jessica Stevenson.
26:52Still comes in second for the men with minus four.
26:59And Joe, third place with minus 18.
27:09That means the man will be cleaning the studio and waxing the floor is none other than Alan Davies on
27:15minus 64.
27:25That's all from Joe, Jessica, Phil, Alan, and from me.
27:28And I leave you with one last good housekeeping hint, courtesy of Viz Magazine's top tips.
27:34Press Rice Krispies into the treads of your car tires for that expensive gravel drive look.
27:41Happy hoovering. Goodbye. Thank you very much.
27:43Thank you very much.
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