Oy Vay Maria. (1977)

deaddogsdam

First broadcast 8th November 1977.  Jewish boy loves Catholic girl Will love triumph over family objections?  Carmel McSharry - Bridie McLaughlin P.G. Stephens - Finian McLaughlin Robert Whelan - Martin Perlman Cheryl Hall - Dymphna McLaughlin Sydney Tafler - Harry Perlman Stella Moray - Rene Perlman Harry Landis - Lionel Linda Robson - Teresa McLaughlin Patrick Duggan - Priest Barry Martin - Rabbi Alfred Hoffman - Mohel Mark Farmer - Stephen Perham Michael Fox - Simon Perham

Transcript

00:00:01Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou amongst women, and blessed is the fruit

00:00:05of thy womb, Jesus.

00:00:06Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the old of it, amen.

00:00:09Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou amongst women, and blessed is the fruit

00:00:12of thy womb, Jesus.

00:00:13Holy Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou amongst women, and blessed is the fruit

00:00:19of thy womb, Jesus.

00:00:21Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the old of it, amen.

00:00:24Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

00:00:29is that a car stopping outside this house it is must be mad i'm getting a lift home

00:00:34i bet it's the one with the old pipe ah come on less of the talking i want to get

00:00:38to sleep tonight

00:00:40how many said i said that's the uh tenth you're saying now

00:00:46hail mary full of grace the lord is with thee blessed art thou amongst women and blessed is

00:00:49the fruit of thy womb jesus holy mary mother of god pray for us sinners now and as you are

00:00:56in the beginning is now and ever shall be the world without end of men our father who art in

00:01:00heaven

00:01:00hallowed she's still inside of the car what about it i hope he's not getting up to any old tricks

00:01:06oh you're not giving her much of a chance are you i wouldn't trust that i'm an inch

00:01:14oh it's not him at all it's some other body in a little foreign car oh she's got no sense

00:01:20at all

00:01:20that one getting into a car with a strange fella but he he could have taken her out to the

00:01:25woods

00:01:26and ripped the clothes off her

00:01:33she's getting out

00:01:35oh he's getting out no oh come on phinion come and get a look at him

00:01:39he's not bad

00:01:42what the oh oh don't say she's bringing him at this time of the night

00:01:47look are you saying the rosary or what are you doing

00:01:50oh she's getting too brazen that one listen if she thinks we've gone to sleep she's got another

00:01:54thing coming hail mary full of grace the lord is with thee blessed

00:01:57never mind the hail mary you didn't finish the our father i did i beg to differ you did not

00:02:03i know what i said you don't know what you said you don't know what you're saying half the time

00:02:07it was you that wasn't listening you want to go back to the doctors and get your ear syringe

00:02:10ah stop your bloody old nagging let a man get to sleep will you now shut up

00:02:14oh for god hail mary full of grace the lord is with thee blessed

00:02:34blimey

00:02:36what's all this

00:02:38i didn't realize you were a catholic

00:02:41what did you think i was with a name like dimph and mclaughlin

00:02:44i should have guessed you were irish the way you were knocking about the booze

00:02:47i didn't have all that much

00:02:49no only three pints of barley wine half a dozen pernos that's all

00:02:53that's nothing i've drunk a lot more than that before now

00:02:55i'll bet you have

00:02:56and i'm not irish

00:02:58i heard you know i was born in edgeware

00:03:00you know i couldn't figure your name out at all i thought it must be something foreign

00:03:03how do you spell it

00:03:04d-y-m-p-h-n-a

00:03:08it's a saint's name if you want to know yeah

00:03:10she was a warrior's daughter escaped from her father and ran off with a priest

00:03:14oh yes

00:03:16no it wasn't like that at all

00:03:18do you know they just wanted to open a hospital for the mentally ill

00:03:21she's the patron saint of lunatics

00:03:24she's not is she she must have a big following among the army

00:03:32who's this

00:03:34saint francis

00:03:36who's the one in the brown frock his sister

00:03:37oh that's saint anthony

00:03:40do you know if you ever lose anything he can find it for you

00:03:44he found my mum's glasses the other day she couldn't find them anywhere so she said a prayer to saint

00:03:49anthony

00:03:49next morning there they were right next to his statue

00:03:52how does he do that then oh that's not all he does he guides letters through the post as well

00:03:56all you've got to do is write sag on the back of the envelope saint anthony guide

00:04:01i'll have to try it sometime

00:04:03do you want some coffee

00:04:04no i don't want any

00:04:05you told me in the car you was dying for a cup

00:04:07did i

00:04:08i must have been telling a lie

00:04:11hey look you can't stay long you know

00:04:12all fast asleep aren't they

00:04:14yeah but they might wake up

00:04:15we just have to keep very quiet then

00:04:23oh god

00:04:26finion

00:04:27finion

00:04:27how do you want

00:04:28do you know that man is still downstairs with dimpner

00:04:31go down and break it up

00:04:32ah look she's only not

00:04:33we don't know who the hell he is

00:04:35the cheek of him

00:04:36you don't know what he might be doing

00:04:37now go down and see

00:04:39i will not

00:04:40go down yourself

00:04:42finion

00:04:42come

00:04:46jesus christ

00:04:47somebody's on a warpath

00:04:48i'd better go

00:04:49oh

00:04:50sorry

00:04:52good night dim

00:04:53dimpner

00:04:54d-y-m-p-h-n-a

00:04:56d-h-n-a

00:05:00well i see you again then martin

00:05:02uh

00:05:03yeah

00:05:04give us your number

00:05:05not on the phone

00:05:06dimpner

00:05:06yes

00:05:07do you know what time of the night it is

00:05:09it's one o'clock in the morning

00:05:11all right

00:05:12are you on the phone

00:05:13uh yeah

00:05:14but i'm not going to be much during the week

00:05:15oh

00:05:16give us a ring at work i suppose

00:05:17um

00:05:17any time it's up between one and two

00:05:19it's the only time i'm allowed to make phone calls

00:05:21ah come on now

00:05:22break it up

00:05:22all right

00:05:23hey look what about next saturday

00:05:25dimpner

00:05:26yes

00:05:26how long will still station

00:05:28all right

00:05:28it's seven o'clock you won't forget will you

00:05:30i won't forget good night

00:05:30good night

00:05:31well what kind of a house do you think this is

00:05:37hey

00:05:38time to be getting ready three sir

00:05:39come on now or we'll be late for mass

00:05:41i was thinking of going to eleven o'clock mess actually

00:05:43you will know she'll come with us

00:05:45oh well

00:05:46i don't think i'll go at all then

00:05:48what

00:05:49i don't have to go if i don't want to

00:05:50why should i she doesn't have to go

00:05:52oh she's been putting ideas in your head has she

00:05:54i have not

00:05:55take her north on what she does

00:05:56you want to do the right thing and have a clear conscience

00:05:58but why does it make any difference to you whether i go or not

00:06:01because it's our business

00:06:02i have but i have done

00:06:02to carry out your religious duties while you're still only a school girl

00:06:05yeah but it's my soul so i can do all right with it

00:06:07do you see what she's done

00:06:08do you see what she's done now

00:06:09she thinks she can follow everything you do

00:06:11every damn thing

00:06:11i won't buy that poop

00:06:13now listen don't be sneaking any more men in here late at night

00:06:15keep your mother awake worrying all night

00:06:16and if they want to come in let them come in at a decent hour or not at all

00:06:19he's lucky i didn't throw him out in his ear now come on teresa

00:06:21come on to mass

00:06:22don't be upsetting your mother she's enough to put up with

00:06:24come on

00:06:25listen have the potatoes peeled and ready by the time i get back now come on you

00:06:28no i'm not going

00:06:29oh

00:06:30you know it's a mortal sin to miss mass don't you

00:06:32a serious mortal sin

00:06:33it's not it's been changed

00:06:34shut up to you

00:06:35it might have been a mortal sin once but it's not anymore

00:06:37what

00:06:37ask the priest if you don't believe me

00:06:39oh you think you're very clever don't you

00:06:41well you'll find out just how clever you are one of these days

00:06:43she'll never have any luck

00:06:44anyone that misses mass on a sunday never has any luck

00:06:46are you coming teresa

00:06:47no

00:06:48ah come on i give you 50p

00:06:50give me a pound and i'll come

00:06:51i give you a cup on the ear so i will

00:06:53you couldn't spend one hour out of all the week for our blessed lord

00:06:57after all he's done for you

00:06:58what has he done for me

00:06:58what has he done

00:06:59he died on the cross for you didn't he

00:07:01what more fool him then

00:07:03get the coat off

00:07:04get the coat on and get up to the church

00:07:06get up all right start here

00:07:08i wish you'd die

00:07:09oh god

00:07:10oh god

00:07:11oh god

00:07:11i've only ever tried to do me best

00:07:13and let them go to hell the two of them they're not worth it

00:07:15i mean no if it's there to go

00:07:17come on come on come on

00:07:18you'll feel better when you get up to the church

00:07:21you

00:07:21oh you

00:07:23disrupting the whole house

00:07:40get up off your backside door and help hold a few of these sheets

00:07:43oh never mind rolling your eyes lolling about like the queen of sheba come on

00:07:47oh

00:07:48wrong door

00:07:49god don't you know your own house been a

00:07:50let's hope it's been there five years

00:07:52that's

00:07:53you're watching

00:07:53oh

00:07:54oh hello

00:07:55hello

00:07:56hello

00:07:58hello

00:07:58hello martin

00:08:00come in

00:08:00move up there now teresa and let the young man sit down

00:08:03oh i hope you don't mind the mess i wasn't expecting company

00:08:06turn the old television off finion nobody's watching it

00:08:10go and put the kettle on now teresa and fix a few sandwiches while you're at it

00:08:14i bet you'd rather have a drink wouldn't you martin

00:08:16what do i have

00:08:17a whiskey

00:08:18ah just a very small one thanks

00:08:20you want anything to drink them no

00:08:22oh she does not you know she hasn't the head for it

00:08:24martin

00:08:26hi

00:08:28well

00:08:29tell me where did you go tonight and anywhere nice

00:08:32into the pictures

00:08:33oh pictures what did you see

00:08:35101 dalmatians

00:08:38what's that

00:08:39is it one of them x-films

00:08:40no it's one of wald disney's cartoons

00:08:43oh is that a fact

00:08:45you know

00:08:47i've never seen an x-film yet

00:08:49you did you seen dracula

00:08:50ah there's nothing in that no no

00:08:52i'm waiting to see one of them new x-films

00:08:55i uh i think martin knows the kind i mean huh

00:08:57yes i know the kind you mean the ones with the old nudes running around with nothing on them

00:09:01would you like a cheese biscuit for your drink martin

00:09:03oh

00:09:04give him the biscuits

00:09:05no no thanks not just nothing

00:09:06ah go on take a couple of them

00:09:07no thank you

00:09:07are you sure

00:09:07yeah

00:09:10do you uh

00:09:12do you live near here martin

00:09:14collindale

00:09:14oh collindale i know i've been there a few times

00:09:18have you uh have any brothers or sisters

00:09:19yeah i've got a married sister she lives out in new york

00:09:22oh i have a brother in arizona

00:09:24he's doing very well out there too very well

00:09:26it's your uncle eddie

00:09:27tell me uh

00:09:29what sort of a job do you do martin

00:09:30work in a shipping office

00:09:32good for you

00:09:33an office job is the very best job you can have

00:09:36does your uh

00:09:37does your father work in an office

00:09:39no he works for himself

00:09:40oh is that a fact

00:09:44i don't know how many tea bags to use is free enough

00:09:47oh it's a little bit

00:09:48why didn't you use the pack of tea we never give the bags to visit us

00:09:53god

00:09:56yeah martin help yourself to sugar and uh take a couple of the sandwiches

00:10:00no thank you

00:10:02would you like a piece of fruit cake

00:10:03no thanks

00:10:04i give him a piece and he'll eat it

00:10:06no i couldn't really

00:10:07are you sure

00:10:08are you sure now

00:10:08yeah quite quite sure yeah i'm just not hungry that's all

00:10:12tell me uh

00:10:13is it a shop your father has martin or what

00:10:15no he's got a stall in the portobello road

00:10:18oh

00:10:18what does he send

00:10:19umbrellas

00:10:21umbrellas

00:10:21is that a fact

00:10:23where's the loo

00:10:23it's the first door you come to the top of the stairs

00:10:25he means the second

00:10:27he's trying to send you into the airing cupboard

00:10:35dad will you stop being so nosy

00:10:37your father's only short on an interest

00:10:39he's a very nice young fella isn't he

00:10:41well he's better than the last one with the old pot and the spindly legs

00:10:44you want to hang your hat on him now and don't be fooling around

00:10:47and he's a good job and all by the sound of it

00:10:49just stop asking him questions i wish i'd not brought him in

00:10:52oh well i'd better keep him out shut altogether

00:10:54will you put that down

00:10:55put it away will you

00:10:57here martin

00:10:58well i'm not going to be able to manage all that

00:10:59all right drink it up it'll do you good

00:11:03sit down

00:11:03tell me

00:11:05do you know the catholic church at all in collendale

00:11:08i must have passed it in my travels

00:11:10oh i suppose you're church of england are you

00:11:12so there's not a lot of difference anymore

00:11:13no i'm not church of england

00:11:15you're not a methodist are you

00:11:17no

00:11:18are you anything at all

00:11:20yes i'm jewish

00:11:24oh

00:11:24so you have your sunday on a saturday

00:11:29do you know it's a very good turn on the television

00:11:31then two brothers one of them has the teeth sticking out

00:11:34mike and bernie winters do you mean oh i don't think they're a bit funny

00:11:36oh of course bridey's a great fan of uh oh what's his name the old fellow with the

00:11:40stick on the top hat he does be cocking his leg up to the air

00:11:42well thank you born

00:11:43i went off him a long time ago

00:11:45well he does a lot of work for charity

00:11:46oh does he he does yes

00:11:47well i think i better go up and have me bath now

00:11:50ah we may as well all be hitting the hay

00:11:52come on theresa

00:11:53don't be long coming up to him

00:11:55uh i'm coming back down again to watch the midnight movie

00:11:58oh are you

00:11:59i am

00:11:59well we may as well all watch it then

00:12:02are you staying to watch it martin

00:12:03well it doesn't finish till five past one

00:12:06well i've probably seen it anyway

00:12:11good night

00:12:12good night

00:12:13good night martin

00:12:15and come and see us again

00:12:17any time

00:12:24i'm sorry about that

00:12:25it's all right

00:12:26no it's not

00:12:27i would have been the same at my house if not worse

00:12:29well you won't want to see me again not after that

00:12:32you might not want to see me again not if you take after your mother

00:12:42give us a ring at work on tuesday

00:12:43okay

00:12:44night night

00:12:45good night

00:12:46see you

00:12:56good night

00:12:58good night

00:13:02good night

00:13:03good night

00:13:06good night

00:13:07good night

00:13:08good night

00:13:09good night

00:13:11good night

00:13:12good night

00:13:15good night

00:13:16good night

00:13:17good night

00:13:18Well, he had us fooled all right.

00:13:21Didn't you know he was a 4B2?

00:13:23No, I didn't, and I don't see what difference it makes.

00:13:26Don't you? Don't forget, I've worked for them.

00:13:28I could tell you a few things.

00:13:30Such as what?

00:13:32He wouldn't eat a thing we offered him, would he?

00:13:34God, you'd think we were trying to poison them.

00:13:37Of course, everything they eat has to be cold, sure.

00:13:41Don't be getting too friendly with them.

00:13:43Don't let them string you along.

00:13:44Jews are just the same as anyone else.

00:13:47That's what you think.

00:13:48Shh, no.

00:13:58Going out?

00:13:59Yes.

00:14:00Anywhere special?

00:14:01No, not really.

00:14:03Enjoy yourself.

00:14:06Martin, you gonna be late again?

00:14:08I don't think so.

00:14:09I'm not saying you shouldn't be late, you do what you like.

00:14:11It's none of my business.

00:14:12Just worried about leaving the front door open half the night.

00:14:15Anyone could break in.

00:14:16I won't be late.

00:14:17You can be late.

00:14:18I'm just telling you about the door.

00:14:20Well, I'll bolt the door.

00:14:20I'll come down the chimney.

00:14:22No need to be clever, Martin.

00:14:24I'm just having a conversation.

00:14:25You going out?

00:14:26Yes.

00:14:26Is it somewhere nice you're going?

00:14:27I don't know, yeah.

00:14:28What time are you coming back?

00:14:29Three o'clock in the morning?

00:14:30No, I'll try to be early.

00:14:31I'm not telling you to come in early, Martin.

00:14:32I wouldn't dream of interfering.

00:14:34I just wish you was getting more sleep.

00:14:35You don't look well.

00:14:36Well, I'm feeling very well.

00:14:38Ta-da.

00:14:39Be careful of the roads.

00:14:40I'm always careful.

00:14:42There's no need to shout, Martin.

00:14:43I know what I'm talking about.

00:14:44It's easy to have an accident when you're overtired.

00:14:47You're overtired?

00:14:47You may not feel it now, but you keep on burning the candle at both ends.

00:14:50You could collapse all of a sudden.

00:14:52Three o'clock in the morning, where does he get to?

00:14:54How do I know?

00:14:54Ask him.

00:14:55I think he must be doing something he shouldn't be doing.

00:14:57You seen that guilty look he's got on his face?

00:15:00What do you think he's doing?

00:15:01Going out to rob banks?

00:15:02He could be carrying on with a married woman.

00:15:04Don't be mad.

00:15:06I'm just going to see some friends.

00:15:07Friends?

00:15:08What sort of friends?

00:15:08Hippies?

00:15:09No, just some people I work with.

00:15:11Who are they?

00:15:11Boys?

00:15:11Girls?

00:15:12Both.

00:15:12Both?

00:15:13What do you do all night?

00:15:14Nothing much.

00:15:15Just talk.

00:15:16Talk?

00:15:16What about?

00:15:17Politics.

00:15:18Politics?

00:15:18That's all you do?

00:15:19Yes.

00:15:20Well, why couldn't you save that sort?

00:15:21Oh, Rainy.

00:15:22The boy's old enough to lead his own life.

00:15:24Oh, I was thinking all sorts of terrible things.

00:15:26Drugs.

00:15:27You're losing weight.

00:15:28You know, he doesn't eat breakfast in the mornings and he didn't finish his supper again tonight.

00:15:32It's just a phrase.

00:15:34Didn't Grant enjoy himself?

00:15:36These friends are yours.

00:15:37Are there more girls or more boys or the same number of each?

00:15:39What difference?

00:15:41At Martin's age he wants to mix with lots of girls.

00:15:44And you don't have to look so surprised, Martin.

00:15:46I'm not half so narrow-minded as you might think.

00:15:48You know, they're always welcome to come here any time, Martin.

00:15:51You know that.

00:15:52Yes, I know.

00:15:53Ta-ra.

00:15:54Ta-ra.

00:15:56I don't think you've got too much to worry about with him.

00:15:58He's alright.

00:16:00Politics.

00:16:01What's he gonna be?

00:16:01A member of parliament?

00:16:02He's gone.

00:16:04He's gone.

00:16:05He's gone.

00:16:09He's gone.

00:16:12He's gone.

00:16:18He's gone.

00:16:22He's gone.

00:16:25He's gone.

00:16:27He's gone.

00:16:29He's gone.

00:16:30He's gone.

00:16:31He's gone.

00:16:32He's gone.

00:16:33He's gone.

00:16:34He's gone.

00:16:35He's gone.

00:16:48Do you know it's the morning, Dintner?

00:16:50No, it's not.

00:16:51I'm telling you it is.

00:16:52The birds have been singing outside for the past hour.

00:16:55What have you been doing all this time?

00:16:57Been to a party.

00:16:58You haven't been to any party.

00:17:01Your mother hasn't slept a wink all night.

00:17:03Well, that's her look out if she wants to stay awake.

00:17:05She's wearing herself sick.

00:17:08And look at the cut of you.

00:17:10You look as if you've been dragged through a hedge backwards.

00:17:14Now, wait till I see that, that...

00:17:16Jew boy.

00:17:19Get up to bed.

00:17:45Mm-hmm.

00:17:47Mm-hmm.

00:17:49Mm-hmm.

00:17:51Mm-hmm.

00:17:53Ah, look.

00:17:55Yeah.

00:18:07That's difficult, I'm going to choose to Wednesday, oh, oh no, oh mother, mother of

00:18:24God, preserve us, man.

00:18:34Aren't you having any dinner?

00:18:36I couldn't eat a thing.

00:18:37Why, Mr. Martha, aren't you feeling well?

00:18:39Me head is spinning.

00:18:41Why don't you go up and lie down?

00:18:42I have too much to do down here.

00:18:44We'll wash the dishes, and whatever else there is to be done.

00:18:47Come on, girls, let's get cracking.

00:18:48You go over and put your meat up on that chair.

00:18:51Hurry up now, Dintner, hurry up.

00:18:53All right, there's no panic.

00:19:00You dirty little bitch.

00:19:03Eh?

00:19:04What right of you to be planning a family, I'd like to know.

00:19:08What?

00:19:09Swaggering into a place like that, letting everybody know what you're doing with a man.

00:19:14You've been in my room.

00:19:16He puts you up to it, I suppose.

00:19:17Jews have no morals.

00:19:18Get out of here, you.

00:19:19I only come to get some more plates.

00:19:20I'll bring him.

00:19:21You stay me out when I'm talking to you.

00:19:22Well, I'm not listening.

00:19:23You've got no right to go poking around in my room.

00:19:26I was not poking around, I was putting away the iron on it.

00:19:27I've told you not to do my ironing.

00:19:29Oh, yes.

00:19:30If it was left of you, I'd be lying there till doomsday.

00:19:32You've ruined all my clothes, ironing everything at the wrong temperature.

00:19:34Well, it's a pity you're not so fussy about your marbles.

00:19:37Not one packet.

00:19:39Half a dozen other things.

00:19:41What have you done with them?

00:19:42I put them down the laboratory perm.

00:19:44You've got no right to touch anything of mine.

00:19:46Do you think I'm going to leave anything like that lying around in this house and Teresa

00:19:50in the same room with you?

00:19:51They're not even allowed for married women, them things.

00:19:54You know damn well the Pope has forbidden them again and again.

00:19:58Oh, you don't know the first thing about them, do you?

00:20:00For all you know, I could be taking them for medical reasons.

00:20:03Medical reasons.

00:20:04Listen, I haven't just stepped off a boat.

00:20:08I don't tell your father because he'd beat you black and blue.

00:20:10There's no bloody privacy in this house, is there?

00:20:13Right.

00:20:13Then pack your bags and get out of it and carry on your amount goings on somewhere else.

00:20:17Oh, I knew he had a sexy look about him, that fella.

00:20:20Letting him use you.

00:20:23Let him go and corrupt one of his own kind.

00:20:26Why don't you go back to Ireland, where you belong?

00:20:34It's no good, I'm going to have to get a bigger car.

00:20:38Come round to my house when my mum and dad go away.

00:20:41We'll go to New York for three weeks.

00:20:43No thanks.

00:20:44I'm not going to be smuggled in and out on the slide.

00:20:47Yes, if you like.

00:20:49You're in a bit of a funny mood tonight.

00:20:51I'm just fed up with all this cloak and dagger business, that's all.

00:20:55Not fed up with me?

00:20:56No.

00:21:06I'm not taking the pill anymore.

00:21:08They've been confiscated.

00:21:09Who by?

00:21:10Your mum?

00:21:11Yeah.

00:21:11She found out where I've hidden them.

00:21:13She's flushed them down the loom.

00:21:15I can just imagine.

00:21:17Oh, well, it's all down to the Catholic rhythm method then.

00:21:19You're joking.

00:21:20I must bet I don't even know what it is.

00:21:22Well, you are, but I know what else they call it.

00:21:24Vatican Roulette.

00:21:26Oh, well, my luck is definitely out.

00:21:29You can get some more pills, can't you?

00:21:30Yeah, I can get them.

00:21:31But where can I hide them?

00:21:32In your handbag.

00:21:33She'll find them.

00:21:34She'll be looking everywhere now.

00:21:37Couldn't you keep them for me?

00:21:38How can I keep them?

00:21:39My mum might find them.

00:21:40You've got to take them every day, haven't you?

00:21:42I don't think we should stop seeing each other.

00:21:43What?

00:21:45I think we should stop seeing each other.

00:21:49I think we should go away together.

00:21:51Wait to me?

00:21:52Anywhere we can get a room in the double bed.

00:21:54Oh, we still have to come back here to our will common.

00:21:57It's not a proper relationship, is it?

00:22:00Why isn't it?

00:22:01Well, other people don't carry on like this.

00:22:04Look, if I move away from home and get a flat,

00:22:06you can come and stay with me on weekends.

00:22:08Well, only weekends.

00:22:09Weekends are back holidays.

00:22:11But not Jewish holidays.

00:22:13No, no.

00:22:14I'm sorry.

00:22:20Martin.

00:22:22I've got to get home.

00:22:23Yeah, I know.

00:22:25Martin.

00:22:25Yeah, yeah, in a minute.

00:22:29Listen.

00:22:30If you take my advice, she'll go on holiday,

00:22:32come back and start the new leaf.

00:22:33Go out to them in New York, I'll lend you the fare.

00:22:36I don't want to go to New York.

00:22:37Well, if you stay here,

00:22:38you'll make more aggravation for yourself.

00:22:39It's not only me, is it?

00:22:42It's Dimfner as well.

00:22:45What do you call her?

00:22:46Dimfner.

00:22:49You picked a right one, you did.

00:22:51Look, what a name.

00:22:53You won't laugh when you see her.

00:22:55So where is she?

00:22:55I haven't got all day.

00:22:56She'll be here.

00:22:58Have you got any idea how much it's going to cost,

00:23:00a private doctor?

00:23:01I've told you, she hasn't decided anything yet.

00:23:03Wait till she comes in.

00:23:04We'll talk about it.

00:23:05You know, if she decides to keep it,

00:23:06she could drag you right through the court.

00:23:08You know that?

00:23:09You'll end up paying out for the rest of your life.

00:23:11I think it might be better if we just owned up and got married.

00:23:14How can you marry a girl like that?

00:23:16You don't know what sort of girl she is.

00:23:17Don't worry, I know the type.

00:23:19Marry.

00:23:20So where are you going to live?

00:23:22We'll find somewhere.

00:23:23You'll find?

00:23:23You've got money?

00:23:25You're going to lend me some, aren't you?

00:23:26I'll lend you on the one condition.

00:23:29I don't think I like the idea of all that.

00:23:31You should have thought of that before all the Yen's in.

00:23:34Go on, go and let her in.

00:23:36Just be careful what you say to her.

00:23:37Go on, go on, shift yourself.

00:23:51This is Dinfana, my cousin Lionel.

00:23:54Pleased to meet you.

00:23:55Hello.

00:23:56Take a seat, Dimper.

00:23:59Do you want tea or anything?

00:24:01Dinfana.

00:24:02No, thanks.

00:24:03Go and put the kettle on, Martin.

00:24:04We'll have to eat a bit later.

00:24:05Go on.

00:24:08Right.

00:24:11Well, I don't want to be personal.

00:24:13How far gone are you?

00:24:15Why?

00:24:16Now, don't look at me like that.

00:24:17I've only come here to help you.

00:24:19I mean, if you're more than a couple of months gone,

00:24:20you've got to hurry up and get it seen to.

00:24:22It's not the end of the world, you know.

00:24:24We can always get married if you want to.

00:24:26She can't marry you and you can't marry her.

00:24:29Why not?

00:24:30Pops, you know why not.

00:24:32I thought you was making tea and something to eat.

00:24:34What do you want to eat?

00:24:35I don't know.

00:24:36Whatever you've got.

00:24:37A sandwich, a bit of cake.

00:24:38This is my lunch hour.

00:24:40Oh, I don't know.

00:24:43Listen, darling.

00:24:45If you take my advice, you'll go and see a doctor.

00:24:47I don't really...

00:24:47Now, let me finish.

00:24:49You don't have to worry about any of this national health business.

00:24:52I've got a number here.

00:24:53You give a ring, they'll make an appointment for you right away.

00:24:56It's Harley Street, you understand.

00:24:58They'll look after you.

00:25:00Have you got a bank account?

00:25:01No.

00:25:02Right, let's have a look, man.

00:25:11Here, go on, take it.

00:25:12I don't want it.

00:25:14Now, don't be silly.

00:25:15This is not charity.

00:25:16He's going to pay me back.

00:25:17There you are.

00:25:17No.

00:25:27I understand you're a Catholic.

00:25:29Yes.

00:25:29Well, is that the reason you do want to go for treatment?

00:25:31I'll tell you a little secret.

00:25:33He sees lots of Catholics, this doctor, all for the same thing.

00:25:36There's nothing to it these days.

00:25:38How do you know?

00:25:41How are you going to face your mother and father?

00:25:43Do they know about Martin?

00:25:44Yes, they do.

00:25:44Do they think he's the right boy for you?

00:25:46Hardly.

00:25:47Well, there you are, then.

00:25:48And I'll tell you something.

00:25:49His parents know absolutely nothing about you.

00:25:51I think we'll order a dress off you, Lionel.

00:25:53You know, that's what he does for a living.

00:25:55Makes wedding dresses.

00:25:56Dresses?

00:25:58They're beautiful gowns, hand-finished.

00:26:00Listen, if you could afford one of my gowns,

00:26:02you wouldn't be borrowing money off me.

00:26:03I only make for the top people.

00:26:06Is that tea ready yet?

00:26:08It's coming.

00:26:09He's living in a fantasy world.

00:26:12How long have you known him?

00:26:13About six months.

00:26:14Well, let's face it.

00:26:15If he'd wanted to marry you, he would have asked you before now.

00:26:21How come a girl like you wants to be lumbered up with kids?

00:26:26No joke, believe me, I've got four.

00:26:28I mean, correct me if I'm wrong,

00:26:31but you strike me like the sort of girl who likes to go out and have a good time.

00:26:36Do you like a good night out?

00:26:37Of course I do.

00:26:38I'll take it out myself one night when you've got all this lot sorted out.

00:26:42We'll go out, we'll have a nice meal with wine and everything.

00:26:45Anywhere you want to go.

00:26:47Café de Paris, talk of the town, you name it.

00:26:50I mean it.

00:26:51Look, just give me a ring when you fancy going, all right?

00:26:56Now, don't get me wrong, Chuch.

00:26:58There's no strings.

00:27:00Piss off.

00:27:01Oh, that's nice.

00:27:03Oh, that's very nice language, that is.

00:27:05Oh, your true character's coming out now, such a lady.

00:27:07Well, you can't fool me like you fool Martin.

00:27:09He thinks he's the only boy you've been with.

00:27:11Well, I know different.

00:27:11Martin!

00:27:12How does he even know it's his kid?

00:27:13Sod you!

00:27:14Ah!

00:27:15What the...

00:27:15Martin!

00:27:15What's happening?

00:27:16He's got mad.

00:27:17Look at this for an Irish temper.

00:27:18Look at it!

00:27:19What have you been saying to her, Lionel?

00:27:20Never mind what I've been saying.

00:27:22Look at this!

00:27:22I was just testing her out and she does this.

00:27:24Get the cover out of her!

00:27:25She's not for you!

00:27:31Hello, Martin.

00:27:37Can I talk to you a minute, Mr. McLaughlin?

00:27:39What is it?

00:27:42Well, you see, um...

00:27:45Dimpton and me, we want to get married.

00:27:49Oh!

00:27:50Oh, is that right?

00:27:51Huh?

00:27:52Well, well.

00:27:53I don't know what to say.

00:27:55You'd better speak to the wife.

00:27:57Bridie!

00:27:58Come in here a minute.

00:28:00What?

00:28:00What is it?

00:28:00I just said to you the rubbish.

00:28:02Come in here, will you?

00:28:03Well, can't it wait?

00:28:05I...

00:28:05Oh, I didn't know you were here.

00:28:07They're, uh...

00:28:08They're thinking they're getting married, the two of them.

00:28:10Oh, are they indeed?

00:28:11Well, they can just think again, because it wouldn't be allowed.

00:28:13You don't know for sure.

00:28:14You'd have to ask the priest.

00:28:16Well, he'd say no.

00:28:16He might not.

00:28:17He could apply to the bishop for a dispensation.

00:28:20But you couldn't get a dispensation for a Catholic to marry a heathen.

00:28:23I beg your pardon.

00:28:24You're not baptized.

00:28:25Didn't they give a dispensation to that fellow who married the woman from Ceylon,

00:28:28and she was married before?

00:28:30I've an idea.

00:28:31He went straight to the Vatican.

00:28:32Whatever he did, he had the big wedding up at the church.

00:28:34I couldn't go into a church, Mr. McLaughlin.

00:28:36Well, she's not going into any synagogue, and that's for sure.

00:28:39She wouldn't be able to.

00:28:40We're getting married in a registry office.

00:28:42No, you are not.

00:28:42Yes, we are.

00:28:43It's all been arranged.

00:28:44Oh, has it indeed.

00:28:45Well, you can just go back and unarrange it.

00:28:47It's going to be in two weeks' time.

00:28:53You haven't.

00:28:56You haven't gone and got her into trouble, have you?

00:29:00Oh, you have.

00:29:02I knew it.

00:29:04You trollop.

00:29:05You rotten trollop.

00:29:08Why couldn't you leave her alone?

00:29:11Finn, will you speak to him?

00:29:12Do you realize what he's done?

00:29:13What do you want me to say to him?

00:29:15I don't know how you can just sit there in the chair as if nothing has happened.

00:29:18Do you want me to give him a good thrashing?

00:29:20Is that what you want?

00:29:21Because you should be grateful he wants to marry her.

00:29:23There's many a chap you wouldn't see for dust.

00:29:25Agatha.

00:29:26What do your mother and father think about this, or don't they care?

00:29:29I haven't told them yet.

00:29:30No, well, don't bother telling them at all, because you don't have to marry her.

00:29:33No, you can just walk on out of here now, and we won't ask you for anything.

00:29:36Only just never come back.

00:29:37Look, I'm not doing her any favours.

00:29:39I want to marry her.

00:29:40Well, if that's what you wanted, why didn't you go about it in a proper way,

00:29:42instead of going behind everybody's back like the beasts of the fields?

00:29:46Listen, there's more to marriage than just leaping into bed.

00:29:49I don't think I'm going to get anywhere with you.

00:29:51Look, come back tomorrow when she's feeling a bit different.

00:29:53Ah, don't bother coming back at all.

00:29:55I don't want to lay eyes on you ever again.

00:29:56Look, will you stop insulting the poor fella?

00:29:58Well, that's the finish of me.

00:29:59That's the finish of me.

00:30:00I'm worn out.

00:30:01I'm going to be.

00:30:01Listen, you can get your own dinner, or let madam get it for you.

00:30:05She can give you a big pan of luxe.

00:30:10You know, you're a silly girl.

00:30:12I thought you had some common sense.

00:30:15I don't mind you marrying him.

00:30:18But why the devil didn't you take the pill like anybody else, eh?

00:30:25Cup of tea, Lionel?

00:30:27Uh, no.

00:30:28No?

00:30:29No, thank you, really.

00:30:30What's the matter?

00:30:31You're not well.

00:30:31I've never known you refuse a cup of tea before.

00:30:33I can't stay too long, Harry.

00:30:37Well, uh, you had a good time then, eh?

00:30:39A wonderful time.

00:30:41Tell you the truth, I didn't want to come back.

00:30:42Harry, show him the photos while I go and make a cup of tea.

00:30:45I'll see him later when you sit down.

00:30:48Listen.

00:30:50There's something I've got to tell you.

00:30:54I don't know what to say.

00:30:55I don't know how to tell you.

00:30:58Something's happened to Martin.

00:30:59He should have been home an hour ago.

00:31:00He's had an accident.

00:31:01No, no, he had to go to see someone.

00:31:02He's all right.

00:31:03What's he done?

00:31:04He's in trouble with the police.

00:31:05No.

00:31:06He wants to get married.

00:31:12Married?

00:31:13What?

00:31:14He's met a girl while we've been away?

00:31:16No, this girl is known for some time.

00:31:18Well, can't you guess?

00:31:21She's not a Jewish girl.

00:31:23Worse than that, she's a Catholic.

00:31:26Catholic?

00:31:28And he thinks he's in love with her.

00:31:30No.

00:31:32He's got her in trouble.

00:31:34What did you say?

00:31:36You know, in trouble.

00:31:41Oh, my God.

00:31:50Where are you going?

00:31:53I'm going to buy cigarettes.

00:31:55You've stopped smoking.

00:31:56I've got some.

00:31:56Come here, Harry.

00:31:57Take the packet.

00:31:57Come here, Harry.

00:31:58Come on.

00:31:58Sit down.

00:31:59Come and sit down.

00:32:00It'll be all right.

00:32:00Go on.

00:32:01Do me a favor, Lionel.

00:32:02Don't give him cigarettes.

00:32:03He hasn't smoked for two years.

00:32:11Listen, I tried to talk to him, but he wouldn't listen.

00:32:15Perhaps you can talk to him.

00:32:16There's still time.

00:32:17He doesn't get married for a fortnight.

00:32:19A fortnight?

00:32:21What am I going to do?

00:32:23What did I tell you?

00:32:24I told you something would happen to him, the way he's been carrying on.

00:32:27Out, out, out every night.

00:32:29What did I tell you?

00:32:29No, what do you want me to do?

00:32:31Follow him about every time he leaves the house?

00:32:33The boy's 24 years old.

00:32:34This is why he wouldn't say where he was going.

00:32:37Politics.

00:32:37He said he wouldn't do it.

00:32:38Politics.

00:32:39I'll give him bloody politics.

00:32:40Green, now, take a tissue.

00:32:42I just want to Harry.

00:32:43Harry, take.

00:32:48Do you want me to go?

00:32:50Shall I stay, perhaps?

00:32:52Anything you want me to do?

00:32:55Yes.

00:32:56Yes, you can phone up a locksmith.

00:32:58Tell him to come round here right away and change the locks on the front door.

00:33:02He's not coming back in here.

00:33:05Mother of our creator, mother of our saviour, virgin most prudent, virgin most venerable,

00:33:10virgin most renowned, virgin most powerful, virgin most merciful, virgin most faithful,

00:33:16mirror of justice, seat of our wisdom, pray for us.

00:33:20Are you going to be there all night?

00:33:21Cause of our joy, pray for us.

00:33:23Spiritual vessel, vessel of honour, vessel of singular devotion, mystical rose, tower of David,

00:33:29tower of ivory, arc of the covenant, gate of heaven, morning star, pray for us.

00:33:33With God, you'll pray yourselves silly, so you will.

00:33:35No wonder that one is like she is with you, setting such a poor example.

00:33:38Ah, go and boil your feet.

00:33:40If you were any kind of a man, you'd be down on your knees praying for that fellow to be

00:33:43received into the church.

00:33:45Look, if he was meant to be a Catholic, he'd have been one.

00:33:47Weren't they all meant to be Catholics?

00:33:49The whole lot of them.

00:33:50Only they wouldn't listen to our blessed Lord when he was here.

00:33:53I washed me hands of the whole affair.

00:34:05You can have them all back.

00:34:06What do I want them for?

00:34:08I gave them to you.

00:34:09Leave the picture, Harry.

00:34:10He didn't give it to you, he gave it to me.

00:34:12I gave it to both of you.

00:34:13I don't want to look at it.

00:34:15You see that?

00:34:16Everything he's kept since you first started school, he thinks the world of them.

00:34:22You see how much he's smoking?

00:34:23He'll get cancer.

00:34:25So I'll get cancer?

00:34:27What do I care?

00:34:28He didn't touch a cigarette for years and now he's acting like a chimney all of a sudden.

00:34:32Why didn't you ever mention this girl?

00:34:34Why?

00:34:35You must be joking.

00:34:37So what sort of girl is she?

00:34:38She's nice.

00:34:39A pretty girl?

00:34:41Yes.

00:34:41Fair hair or dark?

00:34:43Fair.

00:34:44Look, if you want to meet her...

00:34:45Don't ask me to meet her, Martin.

00:34:47I don't want to meet her.

00:34:48What does she do for a living?

00:34:50She's a shorthand typist.

00:34:52You might feel differently if you saw her.

00:34:54I don't want to see her, Martin.

00:34:56I don't ever want to see her.

00:34:57Is it her family forcing you into the marriage?

00:35:00It's not her family.

00:35:01So?

00:35:01Why marry her?

00:35:02It's what I want to do.

00:35:03It's not a crime.

00:35:04You should go away on a holiday and think it over.

00:35:08He thinks he can treat this place like the Hilton Hotel?

00:35:11He's not stopping here another night.

00:35:13No, you're going too far.

00:35:14You can put that case back where you found it.

00:35:16That's what I keep the neck curtains in.

00:35:20Look at the mess you're making.

00:35:24You've got somewhere to live.

00:35:25Just about.

00:35:26I can't move in just yet, though.

00:35:28You know, you don't have to get married, Martin.

00:35:30Nobody has to get married nowadays.

00:35:32You don't understand how I feel.

00:35:34Of course I understand how you feel.

00:35:36Anyone can have an infatu... infatuation.

00:35:40Don't use all the carrier bags.

00:35:42And what are you putting his clean pants in there for?

00:35:44That's the bag I use for carrying the potatoes.

00:35:46So she can wash them for him.

00:35:47The shiksa.

00:35:48Just tell him to hurry up and go.

00:35:49Where am I supposed to go to?

00:35:51Tell him he can sleep on the embankment.

00:35:53He can talk politics with the rest of the lousy riffraff.

00:35:56And don't give him no money, neither.

00:35:58Just let him know what it feels like to go without.

00:35:59How can you put your own son out on the street?

00:36:02Son?

00:36:03Son?

00:36:04This you call a son?

00:36:07Harry, why can't you be sensible?

00:36:09Sit down, we'll have a discussion.

00:36:10You are always telling me what a broad-minded person you are.

00:36:14I'll leave these things out ready for him.

00:36:17Don't leave me here with him.

00:36:18He's turning into a madman.

00:36:20He's staying!

00:36:21He's going!

00:36:22If he goes, I'm putting my head in the gas oven!

00:36:27I've told her, Father, if she marries that fellow in a register office, she'll be excommunicated.

00:36:33No, she won't be excommunicated, Bridie.

00:36:35Are you sure, Father? No, I thought she would be.

00:36:37Oh, I'm positive.

00:36:38She would have been excommunicated a few years ago.

00:36:40But we're a lot more enlightened now than we used to be.

00:36:43Cheers.

00:36:45Will you have a piece of fruitcake, Father?

00:36:47I will.

00:36:48Did you make it yourself, Bridie?

00:36:49Oh, indeed I did.

00:36:50Do you mean to say nothing will happen to her if she marries that fellow in the register office?

00:36:53Well, of course, it wouldn't be a valid marriage in the eyes of the church.

00:36:56Do you hear that now?

00:36:57You'll be living in soon.

00:36:58You might think so, but I'd have a certificate to prove otherwise.

00:37:01Ah, it won't be worth the papers printed on.

00:37:03Is there any chance of a dispensation, Father, if we can get that fellow up to the church?

00:37:07Oh, I couldn't say for sure.

00:37:08This is a good bit of cake, Bridie.

00:37:10I do me first.

00:37:11I've told you, Martin won't go into a church.

00:37:13Well, I don't see why not.

00:37:14He's not as Jewish as he makes himself out to be.

00:37:16He was in here the other night, Father, tucking into a big plate of spam fritters.

00:37:20No, if he can eat the flesh of a pig, he can walk into the church.

00:37:22He can't.

00:37:23You don't know the first thing about it, do you?

00:37:25I suppose if it's not a valid marriage in the first place, she can always get a divorce and marry

00:37:29a Catholic later on.

00:37:31I hope it won't come to that.

00:37:33But you will be able to baptise the baby, won't you, Father?

00:37:37Well, that'll depend whether the dimple's going to bring him up as a Catholic or not.

00:37:39Oh, she will.

00:37:40She will.

00:37:40You know she doesn't go to mass, Father.

00:37:42But she'll have to pull her socks up now there's a baby to think about.

00:37:44I mean, if anything happened to the baby, he'd be straight down to limbo.

00:37:47Well, you wouldn't want that in your conscience, would you?

00:37:48Now, we don't know anything for sure.

00:37:51The idea of limbo is only one attempt to explain the fate of an unbaptised infant.

00:37:56Ah, well, no, I don't want to sound as if I'm contradicting your father.

00:37:59But Monsignor Kelly himself stood up in the pulpit at home and warned the whole parish to have all the

00:38:03babies baptised as soon as possible after birth.

00:38:06For if a baby died before it was baptised, it'd be straight down to limbo and no two ways about

00:38:11it.

00:38:12We don't want to be going back to the Dark Ages now, do we, Bride?

00:38:14Ah, but it wasn't as long ago as that, Father.

00:38:16Next, they'll be telling us there's no heaven and no hell.

00:38:18Well, I only hope I'm not alive when that happens.

00:38:21Is there any particular reason you stopped going to mass, Dimple?

00:38:24It's just a lot of things I don't agree with.

00:38:26Ah, who are you to be disagreeing with, almighty God?

00:38:29You know, Dimple, we're going through a time of tremendous change.

00:38:32A lot of things have been looked at in a new light.

00:38:35We're trying all the time to understand the teachings of Christ.

00:38:39Well, actually, Christ is one of my problems.

00:38:41I just can't get a clear idea of him at all.

00:38:43By God, you've seen enough pictures of him.

00:38:45I just can't believe that Christ was born of a virgin.

00:38:48Oh, don't listen to that, Father.

00:38:49Well, I can't.

00:38:50There's so many things I can't believe in.

00:38:52I'd rather not think about it at all.

00:38:54Okay, why don't you come and see me another day and we'll have a chat about some of these things.

00:38:57She will.

00:38:58I don't really think there's any point.

00:39:00You've the patience of a saint, Father.

00:39:03Now, I only wish you could knock some sense into her head.

00:39:06In the long run, Dimple will have to follow her own conscience.

00:39:09Well, I must be going.

00:39:11I have a lot of other people to see.

00:39:13You wouldn't believe the half, but alcoholics and battered wives,

00:39:17sure I'm only a glorified social worker.

00:39:20Where are you going to be living, Dimple?

00:39:21Oh, she's going into a rock'n old furnished room, Father.

00:39:24He's living there now.

00:39:25The Father threw him out of it.

00:39:29What do you say?

00:39:29I'm asked, Father.

00:39:30I will.

00:39:31Goodbye now.

00:39:33May God bless.

00:39:35See me cell phone.

00:39:36Goodbye, Father.

00:39:40Talking to the priest like that.

00:39:43Oh, God, he let you up too lightly.

00:39:46You may think you're getting away with it now,

00:39:48but it'll all come to light on the day of judgment.

00:39:50Every rotten thing you've done has been recorded.

00:39:53Goodbye.

00:39:53Gladys Knight and the pips.

00:40:07What a place.

00:40:09I didn't think it'd be this bad.

00:40:12How much they charge you for a dump like this?

00:40:14Twenty quid.

00:40:15Twenty quid?

00:40:16I must be in the wrong business.

00:40:18You're making some tea?

00:40:19Yeah, if you want.

00:40:19Oh, there are.

00:40:20There's a couple of letters come from Martys.

00:40:22And these are for you.

00:40:23They're not from me.

00:40:24They're from Reney, Martin's mother.

00:40:26What for?

00:40:27Just a friendly gesture, that's all.

00:40:29I think she'd like to meet you.

00:40:30Only she feels a bit embarrassed.

00:40:32Why?

00:40:32Well, it's a very difficult situation, you know that.

00:40:35His father hasn't been too well since Martin went away.

00:40:38They've had the doctor to him.

00:40:39What's wrong with him?

00:40:40I think it's his nerves.

00:40:43He hasn't been too well lately.

00:40:44He couldn't go out to work.

00:40:45Got a bit shaky.

00:40:46They put him on a motor hall, I think.

00:40:49It's called three times a day.

00:40:50Antidepressants.

00:40:52The only trouble is they take three weeks to work these pills,

00:40:54so he can't tell if he's getting any better.

00:40:56Don't say nothing to Martin.

00:41:03Is this how you make tea?

00:41:05Look, don't have it if you don't want it.

00:41:06All right, all right.

00:41:07Give us the sugar.

00:41:08I didn't come here for an argument.

00:41:12You got a bit of cake or something?

00:41:13No.

00:41:13No, I think she's...

00:41:21So tell me, you still keeping in touch with your family?

00:41:24Not really.

00:41:25I think they're just sitting back and waiting for the marriage to break up.

00:41:28You're not sorry you married him, are you?

00:41:29No, I'm not.

00:41:31He's lovely.

00:41:32Well, you want to look after him, darling.

00:41:33Make sure he gets plenty to eat.

00:41:35What's that got to do with you?

00:41:36I don't think you realise how much he gave up to be with you.

00:41:40If he'd have married Jewish, he could be living in his own house already.

00:41:43Harry and Reanie were going to give him a deposit.

00:41:45You didn't know that, did you?

00:41:47And they were going to lay out for an engagement ring.

00:41:49Oh, I'm not bothered about a ring.

00:41:51I'm not talking about any old £30 rubbish.

00:41:53I'm talking about a valuable ring for an investment.

00:41:56Listen, I'm going to tell you something.

00:41:58A similar thing happened to a neighbour of mine.

00:42:01Only it was the daughter it happened to.

00:42:03She got herself pregnant by a non-Jewish boy.

00:42:06You know what they've done to her, the parents?

00:42:08Shoved her out the front door and threw a blanket out after her.

00:42:11Must be an old Polish custom.

00:42:13Anyway, that's besides the point.

00:42:14The point is, the boy changed his religion.

00:42:17The father took him into the business.

00:42:18They got married in the synagogue.

00:42:20Now he owns three restaurants.

00:42:22Do you understand what I'm getting at?

00:42:23Oh, yeah.

00:42:24I don't know whether Martin's ever brought the subject up.

00:42:26Well, he hasn't.

00:42:27Well, he probably thinks about it.

00:42:28You'd be surprised.

00:42:30Look.

00:42:32Look, I know you're not a religious-minded person,

00:42:34but who says you're going to believe in anything?

00:42:36How can I explain to you?

00:42:38You see, the Jewish religion, it's more a way of life.

00:42:41It's like the family life is the most important thing.

00:42:44You take Harry, Renie, Martin, me, the whole family.

00:42:47We're all Orthodox.

00:42:49That's very strict Jewish.

00:42:50I mean, you go into an Orthodox synagogue, you'll see.

00:42:52The men are all sitting downstairs.

00:42:53The women all sit up in the gallery.

00:42:56You can laugh, but there's all sorts of rules.

00:42:58You mustn't eat this and that.

00:43:00You can't drive a car on the Sabbath.

00:43:01Martin does.

00:43:02We all do.

00:43:04You see, the trouble with the Orthodox is

00:43:05they don't encourage people to come into the religion.

00:43:08It's like a clothes shop.

00:43:09You know what I mean?

00:43:11Now, the Reformed synagogue,

00:43:12they're nowhere near as strict as the Orthodox.

00:43:15They can eat what they like.

00:43:17They can drive about on the Sabbath.

00:43:18But basically, it's still Jewish, just the same.

00:43:22Is it like the difference between Catholics and Protestants?

00:43:25Well, it's not such a difference.

00:43:26They don't throw bombs at each other.

00:43:28But the good thing about the Reformed synagogue,

00:43:31as far as you're concerned,

00:43:32is they allow people to convert without too much trouble.

00:43:35And I'll tell you something else.

00:43:37There's a lot of show business people

00:43:38who belong to the Reformed synagogue.

00:43:40Now, that can't be all bad, can it?

00:43:41I think you've got a bloody cheek.

00:43:43You know what your trouble is?

00:43:44You take everything so serious.

00:43:46Who said you've got to decide anything right away?

00:43:49Now, look, I've brought the book here.

00:43:51It tells you certain things about Jewish history,

00:43:53the holidays, all that sort of thing.

00:43:55Why don't you read it?

00:43:56You don't have to tell Martin where it's come from.

00:43:58It could have come out of the library.

00:44:00Can I ask you something?

00:44:01Certainly.

00:44:02What do you think about Jesus Christ?

00:44:05Jesus Christ?

00:44:05What do I want to think about him for?

00:44:07You must think something about him.

00:44:09All right, so what was he earlier, Rabbi?

00:44:11So he'd done a few conjuring tricks here and there,

00:44:13got himself known as a celebrity.

00:44:14Could happen to anyone.

00:44:15I suppose you believe in Moses.

00:44:17Haven't I got enough to worry about

00:44:18without thinking about Moses?

00:44:20Moses.

00:44:21Listen, do me a favour with you.

00:44:22Have a good look at that book

00:44:23and give us a tinker when you've made up your mind

00:44:25what you want to do.

00:44:26Here's the number.

00:44:26I'm off now.

00:44:27Oh, and listen, if my wife did answer the phone,

00:44:30don't tell her it's you.

00:44:30Tell her it's Sonia from the office.

00:44:32Why?

00:44:32In case she hangs up on you.

00:44:34You see, she thinks Martin should never have got married to you.

00:44:36But don't worry.

00:44:37You turn Jewish, things could be a lot different.

00:44:39Bye, Judge.

00:44:51You're Mrs. Perlman?

00:44:52That's right.

00:44:53So am I.

00:44:54Of course, I keep forgetting.

00:44:56This is my daughter-in-law.

00:44:57There, please.

00:45:00Elna, how can I help you?

00:45:03I've come to inquire about conversion.

00:45:06I mean, would it be possible for my daughter-in-law to change?

00:45:09I don't know very much about the Jewish religion, but I'm willing to know.

00:45:12They've only been married a few months.

00:45:13I can't advise her.

00:45:15I wish I could.

00:45:16We belong to the Orthodox, and I don't have to tell you what they're like.

00:45:19So I thought it would be easier if we came to you.

00:45:23We certainly welcome proselytes, but I wouldn't say we make it easy for somebody to convert.

00:45:27On the other hand, we don't believe in putting artificial obstacles in the way of somebody

00:45:31who sincerely wants to accept the Jewish faith.

00:45:33Oh, I do, definitely.

00:45:35And it's not just because of my husband.

00:45:37I've got a sort of feeling about it.

00:45:38I don't know if you know what I mean.

00:45:40Personally, I think marriage is the best reason for conversion.

00:45:43I'd be more suspicious if you'd seen a flash of light on the road to Damascus.

00:45:46Yeah, well, I'm more likely to hear a clap of thunder on my way home.

00:45:50My mum and dad are Catholic.

00:45:51She doesn't keep it up herself, though, do you, darling?

00:45:53No, I've not been near a church in years.

00:45:55Have you talked this over with your husband?

00:45:57No, not yet.

00:45:58She didn't want to get him too excited in case she had to let him down.

00:46:02First of all, I'd ask you to come to services and join in some of the social activities here.

00:46:05Then you come to classes for eight or nine months, you and your husband together.

00:46:09You'll be taught with half a dozen other people.

00:46:11It's a very intensive course.

00:46:13I don't know if Martin would come with me.

00:46:14Martin, he'll come.

00:46:15I wouldn't convert somebody because of pressure.

00:46:17No.

00:46:18Nor would I convert somebody who wouldn't tell their own family.

00:46:20I couldn't tell my mum.

00:46:22She's Irish.

00:46:23Do you get many Catholics converted?

00:46:25Oh, yes.

00:46:26Catholics often make very good Jews.

00:46:28Oh.

00:46:29Well, actually, I would like to know a bit more about the Jewish religion.

00:46:32I had a look in Smith's, but the only religious books they have were ones about yoga and Jesus.

00:46:38Oh, baby.

00:46:39Look at them.

00:46:44Oh, yes.

00:46:46Oh, yes.

00:46:49What exactly is a moyle?

00:46:50You'll find out when he gets here.

00:46:52Is it like a rabbi?

00:46:53How can it be a rabbi?

00:46:54He's a moyle.

00:46:55I told you to get a doctor, didn't I?

00:46:56Listen, do you want to see the kid ruined for life?

00:46:58A doctor might not know what he's doing.

00:47:00You see, the moyle is the expert.

00:47:03He only does circumcisions, nothing else.

00:47:06How did you manage to get hold of a moyle?

00:47:07I thought they wouldn't come out for a mixed marriage.

00:47:09What's he got to know what sort of a marriage?

00:47:10He's getting paid just the same.

00:47:12Now, listen, when he gets here, give the baby to Martin.

00:47:15You go outside.

00:47:16Well, where do you expect me to go?

00:47:18Stay out in the passage.

00:47:19Walk up and down the street, whatever you like.

00:47:21You can't stop in here.

00:47:22A woman is not allowed in the room.

00:47:23Well, I don't know why you have to be here.

00:47:25It's got nothing to do with you.

00:47:26Me?

00:47:26I'm the godfather.

00:47:27It shouldn't be a religious ceremony.

00:47:29He's not a Jewish baby.

00:47:31Please, God, he will be.

00:47:32Now, don't you try making up my mind for me.

00:47:34All right.

00:47:34Now, listen, when I open the door for you, come back in, have a glass of wine and keep storm.

00:47:39We'll do all the talking.

00:47:40Can you say nothing to him at all?

00:47:42I think I'll tell him I'm not Jewish.

00:47:44Oh, don't say that, Dimfner.

00:47:45Whatever you do.

00:47:47What if he asked where we were married?

00:47:49Tell him mile end, Sean.

00:47:50Why mile end?

00:47:51That's where I got married.

00:47:53How bastard you are, Lionel.

00:47:54Listen, why have I got to worry about him?

00:47:56He's not worried about me.

00:47:57Hey, I'll put this on.

00:48:01You can laugh.

00:48:02So what's the funny?

00:48:04There he is.

00:48:04Quick, let him in.

00:48:06Don't know what he's going to think about this place.

00:48:08I'm telling you're waiting to move into a house.

00:48:10Well, it could happen.

00:48:13Right, give us a cushion.

00:48:14What for?

00:48:15He's got to sit on top of a cushion on my knee.

00:48:17Oh, yeah.

00:48:18That's the way.

00:48:19Get his clothes off.

00:48:21Don't worry, there's nothing to it.

00:48:23Listen, never cut yourself with a razor blade.

00:48:24He didn't hurt you at all.

00:48:25It's exactly the same thing.

00:48:27He'll have had a sip of wine.

00:48:28Bless him.

00:48:29He'll be straight off to sleep.

00:48:30Here you are.

00:48:31Mind the step.

00:48:32Good evening.

00:48:33Good evening.

00:48:36Lovely boy.

00:48:38What's his name?

00:48:39Adam.

00:48:40Could I wash my hands, please?

00:48:42Over here.

00:48:55Oh, God love him.

00:48:56He's a handsome little man.

00:48:58Yes, you are.

00:48:59Do you know, he's just like your old lady in Arizona.

00:49:01Only hope he doesn't sprout a nose on him later on.

00:49:03Listen, will I pick him up?

00:49:05Yes, if you like.

00:49:06Ah, come on to your old granny Adam.

00:49:09Oh, poor little man starting off life in an old hovel like this.

00:49:15You want to put your name down for a cancel house?

00:49:16No, thanks.

00:49:17Ah, you're in no position to turn your nose up.

00:49:19It doesn't look as if that fellow has any prospects of getting you somewhere decent to live.

00:49:22He's not that fellow, Mum.

00:49:24He's Marty.

00:49:25Oh, he hasn't much going on him, I'm afraid.

00:49:26I'd better light a candle to St. Anthony and ask him to find your nice mate in it.

00:49:31Yeah, you do that.

00:49:33Oh, never mind your mokin'.

00:49:35He's worked plenty of miracles for me before now and I've the proof of it.

00:49:40Do you know how this little fellow's soaking wet?

00:49:43God, he has no plastic pants on him now.

00:49:46What's the matter with you?

00:49:46You're not allowed to wear any for a few days.

00:49:49There's anything wrong with him?

00:49:50No.

00:49:51Well, if you must know, he's been circumcised, so be careful with him because he's still

00:49:55healing up.

00:49:55Oh, why did you let them do that, you old fair savages?

00:49:59Oh, what have they done to your poor little willy the size of it?

00:50:03Oh, you're not a Jew, are you, darling?

00:50:06It's supposed to be more right than you.

00:50:08Anyway, Christ was circumcised, wasn't it?

00:50:10He was and he was crucified, but he didn't expect everybody else to follow suit.

00:50:14Now, listen, what I want an old dimpter is when is he going to be baptised?

00:50:17He's not.

00:50:18Old dimpter, I beg of you to have him baptised.

00:50:20If you don't want to take him into a church now, I'll go.

00:50:22No.

00:50:22Oh, I can't bear to think of a grandchild of mine going through life in a state of original

00:50:27sin.

00:50:28Listen, if it's him that's stopping you, he doesn't have to know about it.

00:50:31No.

00:50:32Can't you just accept it?

00:50:35You must be mad putting that fellow before almighty God.

00:50:39Jews do believe in God, you know.

00:50:41Ah, they might think they do.

00:50:42Look, I'm bloody well sick of you running down the Jews all the time.

00:50:45What have you got against them?

00:50:47I've nothing against any one of them.

00:50:49I haven't, I haven't.

00:50:50Oh, but they're the storm of the earth.

00:50:52Is that right?

00:50:53Well, you better get used to the idea of me being one of them because I'm going to change

00:50:56my religion.

00:50:58But you couldn't possibly change a religion.

00:51:01It wouldn't matter whether you worship the sun or the moon.

00:51:04You'd still be a Catholic.

00:51:05That's not true.

00:51:07People change their religions all the time.

00:51:09I found out all about it and I've made up my mind.

00:51:13Listen, I didn't mean what I said just then.

00:51:15I mean, I know some of them just be quite nice people.

00:51:19It's just that they're wrong.

00:51:21They'd be waiting for the Messiah for 3,000 years and they still won't admit he's already

00:51:25been and gone.

00:51:26Why should they be wrong?

00:51:28You could be wrong.

00:51:30Dymphna, if you turn your back on our blessed Lord, you'll never have a night's rest.

00:51:35Oh, why don't you go home, Mum?

00:51:38Of course, you're only doing it for the money.

00:51:40His family are buying you into the religion.

00:51:42I bet if your father won the pools tomorrow, that fellow would be racing into the Catholic

00:51:45church.

00:51:46He wouldn't.

00:51:48Well, this little fellow's not grown up a heathen.

00:51:51He's not going to be damned.

00:51:53I'm not going to let him.

00:51:55What do you think you're doing?

00:51:58I baptise thee, Adam, in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Ghost.

00:52:06Amen.

00:52:07No.

00:52:08No.

00:52:09It's not a proper baptism.

00:52:10Oh, isn't it?

00:52:11Anyone can baptise in an emergency.

00:52:14And this is an emergency.

00:52:16The hair.

00:52:19Oh, look at him, Harry.

00:52:21Look, isn't he lovely?

00:52:24Look at him.

00:52:27Look.

00:52:29Harry, will you look at this baby?

00:52:33Very nice.

00:52:36I'm ashamed of you.

00:52:38Your own grandson.

00:52:39You've got nothing better to do.

00:52:40Go and make a cup of tea.

00:52:41So I'll make a cup of tea.

00:52:47I wish he'd go and do some work.

00:52:48You can't move for umbrellas in the dining room.

00:52:51Five days a week, he used to work in the Portobello Road and Petticoot Lane on Sunday.

00:52:55I shall have to go out to work myself.

00:52:56I'm not proud.

00:52:58The way he's carrying on, he'll have nothing left.

00:53:00Forty years he's been saving up.

00:53:02Now all he wants to spend is on his gas and electric bills.

00:53:05He's driving me mad.

00:53:06I shouldn't really have come.

00:53:07Of course you can come here, darling.

00:53:09Take no notice.

00:53:10He'll come round in his own time.

00:53:12I just didn't know whether to take him to the doctors or not.

00:53:14One minute it looks all right.

00:53:16Next minute it looks as if the dressing's falling off.

00:53:18I don't know what to do.

00:53:19Two of the miles not coming back for three days.

00:53:21Well, if you want me to take you to my doctor, I'll take you.

00:53:23Is he all right in himself?

00:53:25No, he's been a bit miserable.

00:53:26Oh, you want a cup of tea?

00:53:29There's a cup of tea.

00:53:32You didn't make a cup for Dymphna.

00:53:35Who?

00:53:36Dymphna Perman, your daughter-in-law.

00:53:38I don't know who you're talking about.

00:53:40You know who I'm talking about.

00:53:41I'm talking about the person sitting next to me.

00:53:44Sitting next to you?

00:53:45What person?

00:53:46I can't see no-one sitting next to you.

00:53:48You can't see her?

00:53:49Look, if you want to make out that someone sitting next to you,

00:53:51that's your business.

00:53:51I can't see no-one.

00:53:53Must be the pills he's taking.

00:53:54Here, you have this.

00:53:55No, thanks.

00:53:56I don't want any.

00:53:57Tell me something.

00:53:58Will you see her when she's been converted?

00:54:00Converted?

00:54:01Do me a favour.

00:54:0332 years I've been married to you.

00:54:05I am just finding out what an ignorant person you are.

00:54:07How often do you go to shul?

00:54:09Once a year?

00:54:10This girl's been going every week.

00:54:11She knows more about the Jewish religion than you and me put together.

00:54:14She's going to classes to learn.

00:54:15Hebrew, everything.

00:54:17Martin's also going.

00:54:18They're taking it serious.

00:54:19Reform?

00:54:20What, they're not satisfied with holding classes for Catholics?

00:54:23They've got to teach Jewish people how to be Jewish.

00:54:25Ha!

00:54:25You don't know nothing about the reform.

00:54:27I know they're not Jews.

00:54:28If it's not Jews, what are they?

00:54:29To me, they're more like Christians.

00:54:31How can they be Christians if they keep the Jewish holidays,

00:54:33have the same prayers, everything just the same, only up to date?

00:54:36You know she'll have to write five essays on everything she learns.

00:54:39Five essays.

00:54:40Very clever.

00:54:40And she'll have to pass a test, and when they pass her, they'll give her a certificate.

00:54:44A certificate?

00:54:45Anybody give you a certificate?

00:54:47Nobody give me a certificate.

00:54:48If you're Jewish, you're Jewish.

00:54:49And if you're not Jewish, you can't be Jewish.

00:54:51Dempina, hold the baby, please.

00:54:53Sir, be careful.

00:54:54Sir, you're saying she shouldn't bother?

00:54:56She's wasting her time.

00:54:57All this trouble they're going to, and you can't even give them a deposit for a house?

00:55:00They don't deserve a house.

00:55:01A furnished room, they have to live because of you.

00:55:03One room.

00:55:04If you saw it, you'd feel ashamed.

00:55:05It's his own fault.

00:55:06He knew what he was doing.

00:55:08Who carries on like you today?

00:55:09Nobody.

00:55:10I told you, 30% of Jews are marrying out.

00:55:12So 70% are marrying Jewish.

00:55:14He can buy his own house.

00:55:15How can he afford to buy a house?

00:55:16I wouldn't care if you didn't have the money.

00:55:18One room, the papers coming off the wall, 14 other people using the bathroom.

00:55:22How can they bring a baby up in a place like that?

00:55:24You know, if anything happens to this baby, it's going to be your fault.

00:55:27You know he hasn't been well.

00:55:28All right.

00:55:29All right.

00:55:31Do you want to buy him a house?

00:55:32Buy him a house.

00:55:33Do what you like.

00:55:34I don't care.

00:55:35Buy him a penthouse.

00:55:36Buy him a block of flats.

00:55:37Buy him a stately home with a safari park to go with it.

00:55:40Just don't ask me to have nothing to do with him.

00:55:45See?

00:55:46I told you he'd come round.

00:55:53It's lovely, isn't it?

00:55:54It's as good as a Christmas tree.

00:55:57We can have one of them and all, if you like.

00:55:59No, we can't.

00:56:00Of course we can.

00:56:01A lot of Jewish people have Christmas trees.

00:56:03Well, they shouldn't.

00:56:03Why not?

00:56:05Oh, I don't know.

00:56:06You're getting me all confused.

00:56:08Perhaps you better not have one this year.

00:56:10Once you've been converted, you can go back to having Christmas.

00:56:12Oh.

00:56:15Martin.

00:56:17I keep seeing nuns whenever I go out shopping.

00:56:20What, imaginary ones?

00:56:21No, real ones.

00:56:22There were two on the same bus as me the other day.

00:56:24When I got off, there were two more waiting to get on.

00:56:27And then I saw one on their own in Mark's.

00:56:28Well, there's a lot of them about this time of year.

00:56:30Oh, shut up.

00:56:32It's just making me feel really guilty, that's all.

00:56:35You don't have to be scared to say if you want to change your mind about being converted.

00:56:39They won't come and take the house back.

00:56:55You're not looking at all well.

00:56:58I'm very well.

00:56:59I don't think you are.

00:57:00Did you have a row with them, sir?

00:57:01No.

00:57:02Don't be afraid to say if things is going wrong.

00:57:05There's no point sticking it out now for an old house and a few bits of furniture.

00:57:10Is it a nice house, then, then?

00:57:11Yes, it is.

00:57:12When are you going to come over and see us?

00:57:13Oh, we will one of these days.

00:57:15Why don't you come over, Theresa?

00:57:16They keep trying to stop me.

00:57:18I do not.

00:57:19All I said was you'd feel a bit out of it mixing with a crowd of Jews.

00:57:23Tell me, how are you getting on with the studying?

00:57:26Fine.

00:57:27Give us a bit of Hebrew to hear what it sounds like.

00:57:29Ah, now, don't be encouraging any of that old blasphemy.

00:57:32Well, I'd rather see her a good Jew any day rather than a bad Catholic.

00:57:36I have an idea she's not going to go through with it at all, you know.

00:57:38It's just a feeling I have.

00:57:40Now, look, Adam, look, look, look.

00:57:42They say hello to the baby Jesus.

00:57:46I am going through with it.

00:57:48If you do, it'll be the biggest mistake you ever made in all your life.

00:57:51You don't realise that your religion is the most precious gift you ever had.

00:57:55And you'd give it all up for a bit of the other.

00:57:59Oh, Bridie, you're a terrible woman, you know.

00:58:02You'll be calling out for a priest on your deathbed,

00:58:04like all the other Catholics who turned their backs on our blessed Lord.

00:58:07Do you know what, Timphrey?

00:58:09Hello.

00:58:10Yes, I think he'd like to take this home with him.

00:58:12Oh, that was what was wrong with you.

00:58:15That was what was wrong with you.

00:58:28All the sheets.

00:58:31Oh, Timphrey, you've got all the sheets.

00:58:35What's the matter?

00:58:37No.

00:58:38What are you doing?

00:58:40What's the matter?

00:58:41Oh, Barty.

00:58:44All right.

00:58:45All right.

00:58:47Oh.

00:58:49What?

00:58:51Horrible nightmare.

00:58:53I dreamt there was a big possession of saints coming up the stairs.

00:58:59And purple sheets all over their head, you know?

00:59:02And throwing them over me.

00:59:04If I was being buried alive.

00:59:08All right now.

00:59:09Oh, you feel my heart.

00:59:11Yeah.

00:59:12Take a deep breath.

00:59:13All right.

00:59:16There's no such place as hell, is there?

00:59:19I've never bothered you before.

00:59:20I could always go to confession before.

00:59:23All right.

00:59:24All right.

00:59:25Go to sleep now.

00:59:39I'm not gonna let them frighten me.

00:59:43Oh.

00:59:46Martin.

00:59:49Martin.

00:59:55Oh, Clement.

00:59:57Oh, loving.

00:59:57Oh, sweet Virgin Mary.

00:59:59Bring Dimfner back into her religion.

01:00:01And I'll go to mass every day for the rest of my life.

01:00:04And if he can be received into the Catholic Church, I'll give a donation to Liverpool Cathedral.

01:00:08Sixteen pound fifty I've got saved up.

01:00:10I was gonna buy a good pair of boots.

01:00:12Better go without shoes altogether if you could get that fella into the church.

01:00:16Oh, he wants a good kick.

01:00:18That's what he wants.

01:00:19I never liked him from the first day I said I saw him.

01:00:22I wouldn't be surprised if you don't want him in the church at all.

01:00:26If he doesn't come into the church, I wonder, could you find him a little Jewess?

01:00:32It wouldn't be breaking up a marriage of their only living and sin.

01:00:36Oh, he's nothing but an animal.

01:00:38I don't know what you're seeing in him, the bastard.

01:00:52Now that before the Ark of God, and in front of these witnesses that represent the house of Israel,

01:00:58you have affirmed your loyalty to the Jewish faith and the Jewish people,

01:01:02I pronounce over you the ancient blessing of our faith.

01:01:07Yevavechecha Adonai v'yishmerecha

01:01:10May the Lord bless you and keep you.

01:01:13V'yea Adonai panavelecha v'hunecha

01:01:17May the Lord cause his countenance to shine upon you and be gracious unto you.

01:01:23Yevavechecha Adonai panavelecha v'yishmerecha shalom

01:01:28May the Lord lift up his face unto you and give you everlasting peace.

01:01:35Amen.

01:01:36Amen.

01:01:37You've never had it so good, eh?

01:01:40Take a cup of tea for you, Lionel.

01:01:42A cup of tea pot and a treat.

01:01:45And a piece of cake if you want it.

01:01:47Oh, what is it? Honey cake?

01:01:48Yes.

01:01:50Mmm.

01:01:51You made it yourself?

01:01:52Mm-hmm.

01:01:53Oh.

01:01:55You really are acting the part, ain't you?

01:01:57I'm not acting anything.

01:01:58Oh, and a right little actor as you turned out to be.

01:02:02You've really done well for yourself.

01:02:04I bet you're glad you took my advice.

01:02:07Now, don't look at me like that.

01:02:08You can't fool me like you fooled the reformed rabbi.

01:02:11One of these days, Lionel, I'm gonna knock you one.

01:02:14All right, all right.

01:02:15I know all about your Irish temper.

01:02:17Oh, tell me, have you made up your mind what sort of a wedding dress you want, mate?

01:02:20Yeah.

01:02:21I thought, er, something like this.

01:02:24Here you go.

01:02:27Hmm.

01:02:29All right.

01:02:31Yeah, stand up.

01:02:32I might as well take your measurements now I'm here.

01:02:34No, you won't.

01:02:35All right.

01:02:36What do you think I'm gonna do?

01:02:37Measure your inside leg?

01:02:39I take measurements all the time.

01:02:40Well, you're not taking mine.

01:02:42What, you've got something other people haven't got?

01:02:44Oh, maybe it's not worth having one specially made.

01:02:47I might as well go out and buy one.

01:02:49Any old schmutter will do just for a couple of hours.

01:02:52Schmutter?

01:02:53A right schmaltzering queen you turned out to be.

01:02:56Schmutter.

01:02:57And I'll sound funny coming out of you.

01:03:00Let me see.

01:03:00I bet you're a 34 bust, 23 waist and a 35 hip.

01:03:05How do you know?

01:03:06I know.

01:03:08You know, you'll have to have a suit made, Harry.

01:03:11A suit?

01:03:12Why, where am I going?

01:03:13You know where you're going.

01:03:14You're going to the wedding.

01:03:16I'm not.

01:03:17I told you I'm not going.

01:03:19Yes, you are.

01:03:20I'm not.

01:03:20How many times do I have to tell you I am not going?

01:03:23Yes, you are.

01:03:24You're not gonna show me up.

01:03:26You'll have to say I'm not well.

01:03:27I'm not telling lies.

01:03:29Why can't you go?

01:03:31Lionel's going.

01:03:31They're all going.

01:03:32You know, Dinton's father's going.

01:03:34Why not?

01:03:35Have you known an Irishman refuse a drink?

01:03:37Besides, you like the reform shul.

01:03:39You'll think he's in church.

01:03:40You don't know what you're talking about.

01:03:42It's nothing like a church.

01:03:44It'll be the same as any other Jewish wedding near enough.

01:03:47You know, you should be grateful to them for letting her convert.

01:03:49If she hadn't converted, his son could have grown up to be an Irishman.

01:03:54To me, he looks like an Irishman.

01:03:55You don't know what he looks like.

01:03:57You never see him.

01:03:58And how long are you gonna go on not speaking to her?

01:04:00You don't give her a chance.

01:04:03Myself, I couldn't wish for a better daughter-in-law.

01:04:05I'm telling you, for a non-Jewish girl, she keeps a very good home.

01:04:10Oh!

01:04:11Dinton, what are you sitting there for?

01:04:12The table wants laying.

01:04:14Yeah, all right.

01:04:15Must think I've got three pairs of hands.

01:04:17Oh, look at the time.

01:04:19I'd better light the candles.

01:04:35You don't have to do all this business, you know.

01:04:37There's nobody watching over us.

01:04:39Martin, why can't you put a suit on?

01:04:41Look at you, jeans on a Friday night.

01:04:43And where's the wine?

01:04:45Oh, yeah.

01:04:46That's what I forgot.

01:04:49And put slippers on.

01:04:50I've told you to wear slippers in the house.

01:04:53A carpet won't last five minutes.

01:04:55I wouldn't mind, but when this one goes, where's the next one coming from?

01:04:58One of your wages?

01:05:00When are they gonna give you a rise?

01:05:01I don't know.

01:05:03Well, have you asked them?

01:05:04Shut up, will you?

01:05:05Oh, you're going nowhere in that place, a shipping clock.

01:05:08Why can't you be a professional like other people's husbands?

01:05:11Professional what?

01:05:12You know what I mean.

01:05:13You could go to evening classes.

01:05:15Evening classes?

01:05:16Huh.

01:05:17I've had enough of your bleeding evening classes.

01:05:19It'll last me a sodding lifetime.

01:05:21Evening classes.

01:05:22I'm sick of it.

01:05:24You go to classes.

01:05:25You're the only one with the brains.

01:05:26Go to college.

01:05:28You make a wonderful rabbi, you know that?

01:05:30This isn't a home, it's a synagogue.

01:05:32Every room I walk into, I trip over a Jewish book.

01:05:34I'll stop a lot of them.

01:05:36Marty, they cost money.

01:05:38I didn't mean to do that.

01:05:39Oh, you're such a shlemiel.

01:05:40Leave it, leave it.

01:05:41I'll do it.

01:05:42As if I haven't got enough to do.

01:05:43I'm sorry.

01:05:44Look, the supper's getting cold.

01:05:46Let's make Kiddish.

01:05:56Baruch HaTadanoi, eleheinu melech halam.

01:06:07Baruch HaTadanoi.

01:06:10Baruch HaTadanoi, eleheinu melech halam.

01:06:13Esher Kirishonu bay' cah'af.

01:06:17Baruch HaTadanoi.

01:06:19Baruch HaTadanoi.

01:06:27Baruch HaTadanoi.

01:06:38Waruch HaTadanoi.

01:06:41B'hava uvrat samil kantanu

01:06:45Baruch at Adonai

01:06:50Muqaddesh ha Shabbat

01:06:54Amen

01:06:58Oh, Martin.

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