- 3 hours ago
First broadcast 4th March 1993.
Arthur hires incompetent decorator Heart Attack to do up the Winchester for its twenty-fifth birthday but Heart Attack does more damage than good and the club faces closure.
George Cole - Arthur
Gary Webster - Ray
Glynn Edwards - Dave
Nicholas Day - D.S. Morley
Jonty Stephens - D.C. Field
Geoffrey Hutchings - Heart Attack
Gavin Richards - Vic
Emma Cunningham - Gloria
Aaron Harris - Barry
Barry McCarthy - George
George Sweeney - Little Pete
George Raistrick - Monty
Frankie Cosgrave - Angie
Julian Gartside - D.S. Thorp
James Saxon - Harry
Michèle Winstanley - Sandra (as Michele Winstanley)
Basil Moss - Vicar
Dan Strauss - Surveyor
Anna Mackmin - Receptionist
Alice MacDonald - Singer (as Alice McDonald)
Caroline Quentin - Singer on Screen in Monty's Office
Lee Richards - Football Match Spectator
Arthur hires incompetent decorator Heart Attack to do up the Winchester for its twenty-fifth birthday but Heart Attack does more damage than good and the club faces closure.
George Cole - Arthur
Gary Webster - Ray
Glynn Edwards - Dave
Nicholas Day - D.S. Morley
Jonty Stephens - D.C. Field
Geoffrey Hutchings - Heart Attack
Gavin Richards - Vic
Emma Cunningham - Gloria
Aaron Harris - Barry
Barry McCarthy - George
George Sweeney - Little Pete
George Raistrick - Monty
Frankie Cosgrave - Angie
Julian Gartside - D.S. Thorp
James Saxon - Harry
Michèle Winstanley - Sandra (as Michele Winstanley)
Basil Moss - Vicar
Dan Strauss - Surveyor
Anna Mackmin - Receptionist
Alice MacDonald - Singer (as Alice McDonald)
Caroline Quentin - Singer on Screen in Monty's Office
Lee Richards - Football Match Spectator
Category
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TVTranscript
00:01You wouldn't find a better fit if you had it custom-built.
00:05I'll knock a bit off the price.
00:07No, no thank you.
00:08No thank you.
00:18Another blank. I'm gonna have to reduce that car.
00:21Reduce it? By how much?
00:22Two owners and at least 10,000 miles.
00:24Hey, get out my chair.
00:27Things are getting desperate.
00:28Don't worry, Arthur. I'm sure Sonic will turn up.
00:30You better hope it does.
00:31If things stay the way they are, I'm gonna have to exercise a certain amount of wage restraint.
00:36Well, I don't remember a time when you weren't restraining me wages.
00:38I resent that remark.
00:40I've made all sorts of sacrifices to keep your wages up to par.
00:43Even cut down on me lardies.
00:45All right, all right. It was only a joke, Arthur.
00:47In very poor taste.
00:48If you're short of the folding, stop chasing after every skirt in Metropolis.
00:52Pull your horns in.
00:53Right, Arthur.
00:55Oh, come on. I need to pick me up.
00:57Let's go down to Winchester.
00:58And if anybody asks, we're doing better than average in the sale.
01:02Confidence is paramount with Joe Public in this business.
01:04Yes, Arthur.
01:06Do you hear me?
01:07Yes, Arthur.
01:08Oh, come on. Lock the door.
01:13Hey, Arthur.
01:18Dave.
01:19Ray.
01:19Hi, Dave.
01:20Yeah, how's business?
01:21We've had a blinding week, Dave.
01:23Oh, great, great.
01:24Arthur.
01:24Arthur can settle his slate, then.
01:26Thank you very much.
01:28Ignore the boy, Dave.
01:29The lad's always been prone to exaggeration.
01:31Give him a fizzy water to calm him down.
01:32I'll have the usual.
01:35All right, Arthur?
01:36Vic.
01:38What are you up to?
01:39This and that.
01:40How's the pub going, Vic?
01:42Getting there.
01:43When you take over a boozer, it takes a while to knock it into shape.
01:45The Up and Feathers was a popular house.
01:47One old Ernie had it.
01:49Oh, yeah.
01:49Don't get me wrong, Dave.
01:51I'm just after something more, er...
01:53Flash?
01:54High profile.
02:00Hello?
02:01Vic?
02:03Yeah?
02:03All right, babe.
02:04Don't worry.
02:05I'm on me way.
02:05I'll be there in five.
02:07Sorry, chaps.
02:08I'm going to have to love you and leave you.
02:10Bloody bar mates don't know their Heineken from their elbows.
02:16Catch you later, boys.
02:17See you, Vic.
02:21Think about what I said, Dave.
02:24Right, yeah.
02:25Right.
02:25Yeah.
02:25See you later, boys.
02:25All right, Cagney.
02:26How are they hanging?
02:32He's much too familiar for a bloke who's only been on the manor for five minutes.
02:36And he's nosy and all.
02:38What do you mean, think about what I said?
02:41Ah, it's just that we were at a licensed fictional's due,
02:43and someone reminded me that next month is 25 years since I took over to Winchester.
02:48Yeah, that's brilliant, Dave.
02:49Do you have no do?
02:50Well, that's what Vic reckons, but I don't want to make a fuss.
02:54Right, Danny.
02:55He does indeed work in mysterious ways.
02:59Who, Dave?
03:00Of course you'll have your do, Dave.
03:02If you was in China, you'd be a public hero and they'd stick your boat on a stamp.
03:06Thanks very much.
03:07You have created a rare retreat from the ravages of life here.
03:11Hundreds of your punters, past and present, would feel cheated
03:14if they were not allowed to celebrate your achievement by buying the odd lager or four,
03:19and perhaps the odd commemorative mug.
03:22You had me fooled there for a moment, Arthur.
03:24I thought you was being sentimental.
03:26When opportunity knocks, Dave, you've got to grab it with both hands.
03:28We can knock out all sorts of memorabilia.
03:30T-shirts, key rings.
03:32I don't believe it.
03:33It's the happiest I've seen you in weeks.
03:35Raymond, I am an entrepreneur.
03:36When I'm starved of business opportunities, I'm like a young royal with no holiday to go to.
03:40Well, I'm off.
03:41I want you at the lock-up, 9 a.m. sharp tomorrow morning.
03:44Dave, don't fret.
03:46As your partner, I will organise the entire party.
03:49Oh, I'm definitely going to have one then.
03:51You most certainly are.
03:52I'll have a look in the diary and I'll tell you what date it'll be.
03:55Thanks very much.
03:56That'll be nice.
04:03Look, Arthur, are you sure this is a good idea?
04:06Have a bit of respect, Ray.
04:07The man's done his time.
04:08Anyway, I'm told he's fully qualified now.
04:11Yeah, I'm breaking an entry.
04:12Don't go on, Ray.
04:13You sound like early indoors.
04:18Good morning, my dear.
04:19You start attacking.
04:21Oh, Dom.
04:24There's two blokes at the door for you.
04:27Who are they?
04:28I don't know.
04:30One of them looks like a chipping day.
04:41Hello, heart attack.
04:43Arthur!
04:44It's Arthur Daly, you silly tongue.
04:47I'm sorry about that, Arthur.
04:49Here, come in, mate.
04:50Yeah, you better wait outside.
04:51Keep an eye on the motor.
04:57Let's talk through here, Arthur.
04:59Oh, right.
05:00Makes a cup of tea, Angie.
05:03Not me, thank you.
05:10Oh, what a nice view.
05:12I, um, I hear you're putting it about that you're a painter and decorator.
05:16Yeah, got me full city and girls.
05:18Part one building and all.
05:20Wanna see me certificates?
05:21No, no, that won't be necessary.
05:23Mind you, he ain't got a job yet.
05:25Who trusts a bloke with his record on their premises?
05:27I'm straight now, Arthur, honest.
05:30Never gonna do over another gaff.
05:32Unless it's with me rag roller.
05:34Well, knowing your propensity for collapsing at the sound of a burglar alarm,
05:37I think that's very wise.
05:38Now, you know, the thing is, I've come here to put your foot on the ladder.
05:42It's Dave's 25th anniversary at the Winchester.
05:44And we're laying on a do, and I want to have the place done up.
05:48Decorator Winchester?
05:49Would be an honor.
05:50Well, seeing as I'm doing you a right favor by putting this prestidious job in your way,
05:55I hope that will be reflected in your feed.
05:57Oh, yeah.
05:59You get full discount when they're giving me quotes.
06:01No, no, no, Art Attack.
06:02Shakespeare gave quotes.
06:04I want from you a firm, fixed price.
06:06250, plus materials, and I want all receipts.
06:09250?
06:11There's a lot of work there, Arthur.
06:13All right.
06:14275, take it or leave it.
06:16Yeah, all right.
06:17Well, look, I've got to do some business.
06:19I'll see you at the Winchester in about an hour to discuss color schemes.
06:23All right?
06:25Oh, one other thing, Art Attack.
06:27You are fully fit, don't you?
06:29I mean, I can't afford medical insurance.
06:31Oh, yeah.
06:32Since the bypass, the doctor says I made one.
06:53Come on.
06:53I've got to get Operation Winchester phase two off the ground.
07:02I think you'll find this is just the wine you want for Dave's 25th.
07:06I didn't know the Ugandan's made wine.
07:08Are you not joining us, Harry?
07:10A bit too early for me, Arthur.
07:13Ooh.
07:15Interesting bouquet, isn't it?
07:17Ooh.
07:18You're not going to taste it?
07:19No, no, but it's just what I'm looking for.
07:21Shall we say eight quid, including delivery?
07:24Eight quid a bottle?
07:25Eight quid a case.
07:26And you'll change the labels to read, um, Chateau Winchester.
07:30No, no, no.
07:31That's silly.
07:32Souvenir wine from the Winchester Club.
07:34Arthur, you can't expect people to drink this rubbish.
07:36Look who's talking.
07:37Him whose mates can't drink a bottle of beer without banging a lump of lemon up his neck.
07:41It's for commemorative purposes.
07:42People will probably buy it to lay down.
07:45Arthur, I won't be able to fit Souvenir wine from the Winchester Club on the labels.
07:49Oh, we'll use some abbreviation.
07:50Instead of Winchester Club, just use the initials.
07:52All right?
07:53Come on.
07:58Right, Ray.
08:02Here I am.
08:03I hope he knows what he's doing.
08:04The man assures me he's fully qualified.
08:07I don't think this place needs doing up.
08:10Oh, come on, Dave.
08:11Think of the punters.
08:12He's had less decoration than the Italian army.
08:15Your 25th should be the dawn of a new age for the Winchester.
08:18We've got to aim to attract the upmarket lot.
08:20You know, the Roller and Camelier Coat Brigade.
08:23Yeah, but what about the cost?
08:24Oh, that's all down to me, Dave.
08:27I'll take the grand and materials that Art Attack's charging me out of the money I owe you for my
08:32share in the business.
08:33How you doing, Art Attack?
08:36When you expect him to surprise you, he don't.
08:42I think I can work wonders here, Arthur.
08:45I want to give the place the full Monty.
08:47I was thinking of an Oriental thing.
08:51We could have this wall down and put in a mock pagoda.
08:55Then, over here, I could build an alcove and put up hanging lanterns.
09:04Then I'll cover everything with Japanese grass paper.
09:07You look like a takeaway.
09:08Here, hang about.
09:10I'm talking now as senior partner.
09:12Redecoration, you said.
09:13I don't want the place rebuilt.
09:14I mean it, Arthur.
09:15All right, Dave.
09:16All right.
09:16All right.
09:17Art Attack.
09:18Perhaps the creative juices are flowing a little too freely.
09:22Bug a bit of anaglypter up and stick some paint on it.
09:24And look, knock that wall down for Dave in the storeroom.
09:27That'll give him more storage space.
09:28All right.
09:29You're the governor.
09:30That's what you want.
09:30I never agreed to no war coming down.
09:33It makes sense, Dave.
09:35If we're going to increase our clientele base, we're going to need more room.
09:38Trust me.
09:39Dave.
09:41Sorry to be a pain.
09:42Right out of tonics.
09:43Couldn't lend us a crate, could you?
09:44Yeah, of course.
09:45No problem.
09:46Come along, Raymond.
09:47I've suddenly remembered an important engagement.
09:50All right, boys.
09:51Vic.
09:52Vic.
09:59How long's he been coming in here?
10:01Oh, Vic.
10:02He's taken over the outing fellas round the corner.
10:08I thought it a nice touch, putting vintage on the label.
10:11Oh, that is a lovely job, Harry.
10:14Hey, Ray.
10:14This memorabilia lot may be bigger than I anticipated.
10:17I may have to take on extra staff.
10:19Oh, that's good to hear, Arthur.
10:20When's he arriving?
10:20Here, look.
10:21When you finish that, get some of that old car paint and slap 25 years on these.
10:26So much for the extra staff.
10:28What do you think of that, Harry?
10:30A bit thin, Arthur.
10:32Yeah, the stitching falls apart when you put it over your head.
10:34Got one for me birthday last year.
10:36They are meant to be souvenirs.
10:37They're not supposed to be worn.
10:39Arthur, the t-shirts can't be worn, the wine can't be drunk.
10:42You're going to end up getting lynched.
10:43Here is the piece of resistance, Harry.
10:46The winch is the club tie.
10:48No, no, no, it's a great tradition.
10:50British club ties are meant to look like a road accident.
10:52I mean, look at that thing the MCC lot wear.
10:55Oh, that is lovely.
10:57See you, Kent.
10:58Bye.
11:02Genius, that's the only word for it.
11:04You couldn't get better if you had Michelangelo on the end of the brush.
11:07Well, I must admit, it is going down well with the regulars.
11:09Of course it is, Dave.
11:10It gives the old place a bit of style.
11:12Arthur's right, Dave.
11:13That's the trouble with most publicans.
11:15They've got absolutely no style.
11:17Oh, true that is, Vic.
11:19Let's have a look at the storeroom, shall we?
11:26Oh, yes.
11:27There's much more space now that wall's gone.
11:29Perhaps what do you think of turning it into a pool room, Dave?
11:31What do you suggest I do with my stock?
11:33Details, Dave, details.
11:35You've got to start looking at the bigger picture.
11:36Where's Art Attack?
11:38I don't know.
11:40He must have just shot off.
11:42Modesty.
11:42Quality shared by all the very best interior decorators.
11:45Why has he painted this bit white?
11:49That is what we call tonal modulation.
11:52Let me know if I get too technical for you.
11:55What are all these cracks?
11:57It looks a bit effy to me.
11:59Don't you have a pub to run?
12:00Well, I asked Art Attack about that, and he reckoned it was shrinkage.
12:04Well, there you are, then.
12:12Arthur.
12:18Where's Alan?
12:19As far as I knew, he's doing up your club.
12:22And he packed his bag and done a runner.
12:23And you don't know where he's gone?
12:24No idea.
12:25Well, if he turns up, tell him Arthur Daly wants a word.
12:28You don't mind risking his heart working?
12:30Any other sort of exertion you don't want to know?
12:35No.
12:35Don't fancy a cup of tea, do you?
12:37No, thanks.
12:44Well, Vic reckons that all that is subsidence.
12:47What does he know?
12:48Quite a bit, I'd say.
12:50Who knocked down that wall in the storeroom?
12:51Our interior designer.
12:53He's fully qualified.
12:54I'd like you to give me his name.
12:55Why?
12:56Do you want to use him?
12:57No.
12:57I want to warn our other clients to avoid him.
13:00That wall he's demolished was part of a load-bearing wall.
13:02He should have replaced it with an RSJ.
13:04I knew it was a mistake listening to you.
13:06Well, put an RS whatever it is in now.
13:08It's too late, I'm afraid.
13:10I'll have to do a detailed survey to confirm it,
13:12but I'm more or less certain that these cracks
13:13have been caused by undue pressure on the foundations,
13:16causing them to shift.
13:17It's all going to need underpinning.
13:19How much is that lot going to cost?
13:21Give or take a couple of hundred.
13:22Thirty thousand pounds, I'd say.
13:25Thirty grand.
13:26Well, don't just stand there making a crisis out of a crisis.
13:29Get the insurance check.
13:30I'm sorry, but you knocking that wall down
13:32violated the terms of your policy.
13:34Your insurance is invalid.
13:35And until the work's done, this is a dangerous structure.
13:38I'm going to have to recommend to the council
13:40that the Winchester's shut.
13:47This is a poignant moment.
13:50We've weathered recessions, winter of discontent,
13:53three-day week, but never in all that time
13:55have the wealth and importance of the Winchester been closed.
13:58I tell you what, heart attack better stay in hiding
14:00if he knows what's good for him.
14:02Right now, he's the second most dated man on the manor.
14:04Who's the first?
14:05Well, who do you think, Arthur?
14:07Me?
14:08I engage that man in all good faith.
14:12Well, the landlord has given us a week.
14:15If we ain't come up with thirty grand,
14:16he's going to sue us for the cost of repairs,
14:18plus the loss of revenue for not being able to rent out of place.
14:20Oh, my God.
14:21Well, just remember, I'm a minor shareholder,
14:23but major blameholder.
14:25Now, listen, Arthur.
14:26If you don't come up with that money within a week,
14:28the Winchester Club's going to be shut for good,
14:30and that'll be my living down a pan.
14:32Yeah, all right, Dave, all right.
14:33Rest assured, I will do everything in my power to get this sorted.
14:36Now, let's just go and sit down
14:38and talk about it calmly and quietly over a drink.
14:41Oh, my.
14:44Where'd you suggest we go, then, Arthur?
14:47Vicks?
14:52I reckon that a pinch I'll come up with about seven grand.
14:56Well, Arthur.
14:58Well, out of stretch, I suppose I could probably match that.
15:01You must be able to do better than that, Arthur.
15:03That hardly covers what you owe me.
15:05Times are hard.
15:06This anniversary was supposed to be my salvation, remember?
15:08Well, you could liquidise some of your assets.
15:10Well, Frankie Miller said he'd give you five grand for those two motors.
15:13That's a grand lesson what I paid for them.
15:15Remember what Mr. McCorber said.
15:17Flog something for less than you paid for it,
15:19and you'll soon be up to Swanee without a paddle.
15:21Hank's a bunch of them.
15:32It's not fair everyone having a problem, are you, Arthur?
15:35You just promised to move Evan and Arthur.
15:36Now you won't move a couple of capris.
15:38All right, all right.
15:39I'll unload the cars and I'll let you have the five grand.
15:41But that's a lot.
15:43I'm cleaned up.
15:44Yeah, so leave us eleven grand, sure.
15:45Dear Arthur, what about your secret offshore account?
15:54Excuse me.
15:55Excuse me, miss.
15:58Why do they keep ignoring me?
16:00Well, I don't think they know how important you are here, Arthur.
16:03These bits of girls have got no business behind the bar.
16:05They lack your maturity, Dave.
16:07What can I get you, Ray?
16:08Oh, large VAT, please.
16:10I beg your pardon?
16:11A large VAT?
16:11No, it's all right, Sandra, it's with me.
16:12I'll have a large vodka and a couple of bars of lager.
16:15Can you do something about this music?
16:18Well, a band or music in clubs.
16:20Yeah, we don't want people to start enjoying themselves, do we, Arthur?
16:23Shams.
16:24What can I say?
16:25You must be double gutted.
16:27I know I am.
16:28Okay, you wait.
16:29Listen, you're not comfortable here.
16:31There's a function room upstairs you can use.
16:33Some of your regulars there already.
16:35I'll show you.
16:36Oh, all right.
16:36I'll do see you, Ray.
16:37That's 4.20, please.
16:39I'll get these, shall I?
16:40Yeah, good lad.
16:41We'll see you upstairs.
16:44Yeah, go on yourself, son.
16:45Oh, thanks.
16:48Is that who I thought it was?
16:49Unless you're from the Inland River and you're here.
16:51Sold my dad a tell you a couple of months back.
16:54I'm sorry about that.
16:55Yeah, it works fine.
16:56Dad reckons it's a bargain.
16:58What, a satisfied customer?
16:59We ought to have him stuffed.
17:02Cheers.
17:04Yeah, looks like we might be using this as our logo for a little while.
17:07That's nice.
17:08So we'll be seeing a lot more of each other.
17:10You only have to ask.
17:12I think I just might.
17:13You might interrupt seeing anything, am I?
17:16Uh, no, Glaw.
17:17I was just telling...
17:19Well, you know Sandra, don't you?
17:20Hello Sandra.
17:21Yeah, I was just telling her that, uh,
17:22a good job that Vic was doing with the pub.
17:26Let's go upstairs.
17:28I swore I'd never drink in your company again, Arthur.
17:31Me neither.
17:33As far as I'm concerned,
17:34you're responsible for me being putted out of a place
17:36that I regard as my second home.
17:37Winchester's more like my first home.
17:39Look, for the last time,
17:40it's Arthur Tacky who got the blame for this debacle, not me.
17:44Besides, I've already pledged a considerable cash sum towards repairs.
17:47Look, all these recriminations are getting us nowhere.
17:49At last, the voice of reason.
17:51What we should be doing is thinking of ways to raise the necessary
17:53to get the Winchester open again.
17:55Well, we'll bung it to a whip, man.
17:56Listen to that.
17:57Must do your heart good to hear you're held in such esteem, Dave.
18:00Very kind of you, Barry.
18:01Bunging fivers into a hat is not going to solve our problem.
18:04We've got to think on a much bigger scale.
18:06Why don't you arrange some sort of fundraising event?
18:09Oh, yeah.
18:09What about a marathon?
18:11All right, a parachute jump.
18:13Will you be sensible?
18:15We had a charity bash done at the football club a couple of weeks ago.
18:18My old man won a fondue.
18:20That's it, Pete.
18:21We're going to organise at Winchester and have a football match.
18:24Look, maybe I'm short-sighted, Raymond,
18:25but how are we going to raise money by chucking four coats on the ground
18:28and kicking a ball about?
18:29It'd be a benefit match like the testimonials they have at the Arsenal,
18:32where we can charge the punters an entrance fee,
18:34all the proceeds go to the Winchester.
18:36Yeah, but who are we going to play?
18:38How about West Ham?
18:40Leave it at.
18:41Yeah.
18:42How about the old bill?
18:43Are you mad?
18:45Oh, Arthur, it's brilliant.
18:46Well, think about it.
18:47There's a load of people to pay to see a team from the Winchester
18:49meet the coppers head-on.
18:50That's right.
18:51You can count me in.
18:52There's a couple of uniforms I wouldn't mind meeting in the tackle, eh?
18:55Man, there's no need to worry about kit.
18:57I turned over a sports warehouse last week.
18:59My kitchen's carrying more stock than Lilywhites at the minute.
19:02It's a bit louder, George.
19:03I don't think Scotland Yard heard that.
19:04Yeah, I do think you'll be a bit dodgy, you know,
19:06playing the law dressed in, knocked-off clobber.
19:08You can have a charity auction after the game?
19:10Yeah.
19:11Yeah, that's right.
19:11I saw one of them at a boxing do.
19:13Raised a pile of bread.
19:15Mind you, they did have Samantha Fox as the auctioneeress.
19:18Well, that's no problem.
19:19We can get a celebrity in to do ours.
19:20Yeah, Monty Fish is the man you want for that.
19:22He got an East Ender, Ronnie Dyson,
19:24to open one of his dress shops.
19:25Right, we'll leave that to you then, Arthur, yeah?
19:28All I can say is thanks very much, everyone.
19:31Let's have another drink.
19:32I reckon under the circumstances, it's Arthur's round.
19:36Here he is. Here he is. Here he is.
19:54Look around for cash.
19:55Oh, yeah.
19:56It's almost worth having the winch to close just to see that.
19:59Ha, ha, ha.
20:23Nice, Ed.
20:29Putting in a bit of overtime, are we, Thor?
20:31Well, somebody's got to do it.
20:33If it was left to you, the only place you'd find a villain would be in a pub.
20:36I've put away more villains than you'll ever meet.
20:40Phone.
20:43There's a trouble with these flyers from Endon.
20:46They're out of touch.
20:54Thor?
20:56I've got something you might be interested in.
21:11Look, I'm gonna go.
21:13No, not yet, Clare.
21:16Here, Rafa.
21:17Only about time you were off?
21:21No, it's only 11 o'clock.
21:23Much too early.
21:24I'll go home now.
21:24Her indoors will think I'm ill.
21:26Doesn't she worry where you are?
21:27No.
21:29We got over all that nonsense years ago.
21:30No.
21:34You know, it's true what they say.
21:36You never miss your water till the well runs dry.
21:39I was completely at a loss tonight without the Winchester.
21:43And Vic's place is no substitute.
21:45I mean, I've got enough money worries without having to pay for the drinks.
21:47No, it's much cheaper here, eh?
21:49Look, Arthur, I don't want to be rude, but I'd like a little bit of time to meself.
21:55With Gloria, that is.
21:57Well, don't worry about me, Ray.
21:59I won't get in the way.
22:44Good afternoon, my dear. Is Monty about?
22:46Yes. Do you have an appointment with Mr Fish?
22:48Tell him it's Arthur Daly. He'll fit me in.
23:01Isn't that the, you know, the geezer in the bleach advert?
23:06Yes.
23:09He looks taller on the telly.
23:25So what you reckon? Any chance of your mob putting out a team?
23:28Well, come on.
23:29Yeah. I wouldn't mind. It'd be a bit of a laugh.
23:32But I can't see you know who beat him to, Cale.
23:35He gets a bit irrational when it comes to anything to do with Uncle Arthur.
23:39Young Daly, what have you been arrested for?
23:42Nothing. I've just come to ask a favour.
23:44A favour? I'm a police officer, Raymond, not a social worker.
23:47They're having a football match in aid of the Winchester.
23:50And they wanted us to put up a team to play them.
23:52You seriously expect us to play soccer with the people you associate with?
23:56I'll get the message.
23:58Forget it.
23:59No, no. We'll do that.
24:02Are you serious?
24:04Certainly.
24:06A nice one.
24:08See you on a pitch.
24:12Community relations talk.
24:29Ask Arthur Daly to come in, please.
24:33Arthur.
24:34Mundy.
24:35Come in.
24:36Take the weight off.
24:39What do you think of this, Arthur?
24:40Isn't she something?
24:44How are you, Mundy?
24:46Oh, making a crust.
24:48Yourself?
24:49Much the same.
24:50Oh, isn't she a little gardener?
24:56Drink?
24:57Oh, no.
24:58It's a bit too early for me.
24:59I wouldn't say no to one of your lardies.
25:01Oh, certainly.
25:02God, see me now.
25:05No.
25:05Come.
25:12Right.
25:13Well, what can I do you for?
25:14Well,
25:16I don't know whether you are aware
25:18of the plight of the Winchester Club at present.
25:20Yes, I am.
25:21It's a tragedy.
25:22Yeah.
25:23I hope that little Herber
25:24that knocked that wall down
25:25is going to get his just desserts.
25:27Oh, he will.
25:28He will.
25:28The moment his boat is sighted,
25:29he will get a copious slapping.
25:31Whatever made Dave employ such a prat?
25:34Who knows?
25:35Who knows?
25:35Anyway,
25:36in order to raise some money,
25:37we are going to hold
25:38a benefit football match
25:40and a charity auction.
25:41And we thought
25:42if we got a well-known face
25:43to do the kick-off,
25:46play the auctioneer,
25:47and make himself
25:48generally available
25:49to the jail public
25:49for autographs and so forth,
25:51it would boost the crowds.
25:52Good idea.
25:53Did you have a particular celebrity in mind?
25:56Well, we want someone who's a drawer,
25:57you know,
25:57someone with a
25:58certain amount of gravity.
26:00I was thinking in terms of
26:01Brucey or Tarby,
26:03that area.
26:04Well, it's possible
26:05I could get you someone like that,
26:06but mind you,
26:08their fees are a bit steep.
26:09Ah, I don't think
26:11I've made myself clear, Monty.
26:12You see,
26:12being a fundraising event,
26:14we were wondering
26:15if they'd be prepared
26:15to waive their fee
26:18and do the whole thing for gratis.
26:20Well, I mean,
26:20it does have showbiz connections.
26:22I can remember
26:23dear old Dickie Valentine
26:23doing a turn there in the 60s,
26:25and they get a very big splash
26:26from a local rag
26:28and gratitude
26:29from the local community.
26:30Yes, but with the best will
26:32in the world, Arthur,
26:33you can hardly call
26:34the Winchester drinking club
26:35a worthy cause.
26:37Look,
26:38I can do you
26:39a minor soap star
26:40for two hundred.
26:41An ex-soap star
26:43comes even cheaper.
26:44Hey,
26:45what about your lad
26:45who does the, uh,
26:47the bleach advert?
26:48Would he be interested?
26:55Hey, our chaps,
26:56we've got a...
26:59What's up with everyone?
27:01There's been a bit of a problem
27:02on the manor.
27:05George has been nicked.
27:07You're joking.
27:08Well, that's his worry.
27:09We're up to a year
27:09with problems of our own.
27:11Did you get hold
27:11of the celebrity, Arthur?
27:12No, I didn't.
27:13Well, did you try?
27:14Yes.
27:15Even Lionel didn't want to know
27:16and he'd turn out
27:17for the opening of an envelope.
27:18Oh, well, thank you
27:19not to give me aggravation
27:20at a time like this.
27:21All right.
27:21Never mind.
27:22Morley's agreed
27:23to put a team up,
27:24so we should still
27:24get a decent turnout.
27:25Yeah, but without a celebrity,
27:27we can't charge much more
27:28than a fiver.
27:29I mean, the best,
27:29we're only gonna make
27:30a couple of grand.
27:31It's a bit short
27:31of 11,000, isn't it?
27:32Well, what about
27:33the charity auction?
27:35Donations are coming
27:36in very slowly, Ray.
27:37It's because Arthur's involved.
27:39Everyone thinks
27:39there's some sort of fiddle.
27:41I'm very wounded
27:42at everyone's attitude
27:43towards me in this matter.
27:45Charles, any change?
27:51Do you know
27:52what that round costs?
27:54Vic's charging what he likes.
27:56It grieves me
27:57to see the profits
27:58from all our regulars
27:59going into Vic's coffers
28:00instead of the Winchesters.
28:02Well, they're not,
28:03aren't they, Arthur?
28:04And that is why
28:05I am looking for a job.
28:07Don't you worry, Dave.
28:08I'll find something for you.
28:10No, thanks, Arthur.
28:20Hey, Dave.
28:21You know what's happened now?
28:23Yeah.
28:23Sammy Booth's been nicked.
28:25What for?
28:26Nobody knows.
28:27He reckons he was spitting up.
28:30Well, that's the fourth this week.
28:31We'll be lucky
28:32if we have a team.
28:33Even more, he wouldn't be
28:34nicking people
28:35just to noble to Winchester,
28:36would he?
28:37Why don't you ask him?
28:39Right.
28:41Your governor's been a bit free
28:43with the charges this week,
28:44hasn't he?
28:44That's nothing to do with us.
28:46I just hope you're putting up
28:47some sort of opposition daily.
28:48Remember, you talked me into this.
28:51Come on.
28:53Are you sure I can't persuade you
28:55to stay and watch the match, Padre?
28:56No, Arthur.
28:57I really ought to be going, thank you.
28:58Sunday is my rush day, you know?
29:00Yeah, of course.
29:00Oh, and thanks again
29:02for the ire of the ground.
29:03Are you sure you won't accept a fee?
29:05Certainly not.
29:05It's a pleasure to help.
29:07Winchester's always been
29:08one of my favorite cathedrals.
29:10Goodbye.
29:10Goodbye, Vicar.
29:11Thanks, Vicar.
29:13Don't seem right, somehow, Arthur.
29:15Conning the clergy?
29:17He's the one who married
29:18me and her indoors.
29:19I prefer to think of it
29:21as settling an old score.
29:23Right, time for the team talk.
29:24Give the boys a bit of encouragement.
29:25All right.
29:33Yeah, now, listen.
29:34It's all down to us now, lads.
29:35So no clowning about
29:36and keep the ball in the move, yeah?
29:38Now, look, if we could just
29:39put the break on the banter
29:40for a minute or two,
29:41I'd like to say a few words.
29:42Now, settle down, boys.
29:43Settle down.
29:43Now, first off, tactics.
29:45I've examined all the options,
29:47kick and run,
29:48sweep them up and under,
29:49and the long balls.
29:50And I've come down
29:50in favor of total football.
29:52I want us to echo
29:53the great Brazilian teams
29:54of the past
29:55with our flowing thoughts
29:56and our dazzling legwork.
29:57Right, well, that's it, Arthur.
29:59Is that clear?
30:00Crystal, come on, let's get you.
30:01And I also want you to consider
30:02why we are here.
30:04To work one up more
30:05in his mob, right?
30:06No, Barry.
30:07Something far more important than that.
30:09The fate of the Winchester Club
30:10is in your hands.
30:11I want you to go out there
30:13and inspire them fans
30:14to put their hands
30:15deep in their pockets
30:16and buy them charity souvenirs.
30:17And remember the words
30:19of England's greatest leader.
30:21Gary Lineker?
30:22Winston Churchill.
30:24I have nothing to give
30:25but blood, toil, sweat,
30:29and sweat.
30:31Never on the football field
30:33of human conflict.
30:35Always that.
30:36I'm trying to motivate people here.
30:38What are you...
30:39All right, Arthur?
30:41I am not a violent man
30:42but I'm quite happy
30:43to make an exception.
30:44Calm down, Arthur.
30:45Just calm down.
30:47Arthur, Dave.
30:48I'm sick about what happened on this.
30:50I can make it up to you.
30:51Impossible!
30:53This is yours.
30:55What is it?
30:57Money.
30:58What money?
30:59I ain't had time to count it.
31:00I come straight here
31:01after I've done Vic's place over.
31:03Are you completely mental?
31:04There's enough old Bill out there
31:06to sing the Hallelujah Chorus
31:07and you turn up
31:08with a bag full of stolen Reddys.
31:10I'm sorry, Arthur.
31:11Thought I'd get me home
31:12back on Vic
31:12and pay you back
31:13at the same time, see?
31:15It's only his grass money.
31:16Ray, tell me this is a nightmare.
31:20Arnettac,
31:21did you say that
31:22this was Vic's grass money?
31:24I hadn't seen him for years
31:25till he'd come in your drinker.
31:27Slick Vic,
31:27the policeman's pal.
31:29Resume it got me
31:30sent down last time.
31:31He must have put the finger
31:32on George and the others.
31:33Well, in no circumstances
31:34I don't mind accepting
31:35a few extra fibres
31:36for the Winchester fund.
31:38How much was there
31:38in the till?
31:39Not a lot, Arthur.
31:41But there was
31:41ten grand in the safe.
31:42Oh, my God!
31:44How do you think
31:45we're going to hang on to this?
31:46I thought you knew
31:47about laundering, Arthur.
31:49Laundering?
31:49You need to know
31:50about conjuring
31:51to make this disappear.
31:52Yeah, but Arthur,
31:53this won't be the answer
31:53to our prayers.
31:55I mean, I don't suppose
31:55that auction's going to be
31:56worth a lot.
31:57It'll be worth more
31:57than you think, Dave.
31:58If I could get Gloria,
32:00I'd tell the boys to work.
32:05Mind interrupting something?
32:07Not at all, Mr. Morley.
32:07No, no.
32:08Just discussing tactics
32:09in privacy.
32:10Can't be too careful.
32:11You know what policemen are like.
32:13Oh, well, don't mind me.
32:14I'm completely impartial,
32:15of course.
32:18I didn't realise
32:18you were actually playing.
32:20Me?
32:21Oh, no.
32:22No, no.
32:22I'm just here
32:23in executive capacity.
32:24Oh, good.
32:25Only one of the linesmen
32:26needs some kit.
32:27Oh, attack!
32:29Get changed.
32:30Move.
32:33I'm in field dynamo.
32:38Oh.
32:41How very unfortunate.
32:45No, you're right.
32:46You can't go to the police
32:47in a normal way,
32:48can you?
32:51Let me explain
32:52something to you, Vic.
32:53To me,
32:54you're just a useful service,
32:55like a plumber.
32:57You mend the pipes,
32:58I pay the bills.
32:59You drop the money
33:01down a drain,
33:02not my problem.
33:05Well, I suggest you
33:06do what you always do.
33:08Keep your ear
33:09to the keyhole.
33:15Thank you for coming.
33:54Who's a melon in the black?
34:07I hope for your sake,
34:08that bulge in your sock
34:09is nothing more dangerous
34:10than a shin pad.
34:11That's all I am,
34:12Mr. Morley.
34:14Phil,
34:15Edson.
34:17We'll have a kickoff.
34:19We'll stay as we are.
34:20Phil,
34:22can I have my coin back?
34:24Oh,
34:24sorry about that,
34:25Sarge.
34:25Ref,
34:26ref,
34:27all right,
34:27if I comes on,
34:28one of my players
34:29needs treatment.
34:31What's wrong with him?
34:32He says it's crap.
34:33How can he have?
34:34We haven't even kicked off yet.
34:35He had to run down
34:36the off-licence
34:37before the game
34:37and that's a fair step.
34:39Well,
34:39treat him off the pitch.
34:40I want to get on.
34:41Come on,
34:42Wichester.
34:42Wichester.
34:44Go on, Wichester.
34:46kai!
34:50kai!
34:51kai!
34:52kai!
34:53kai!
35:05kai,
35:06kai,
35:06kai,
35:08Get in!
35:11Get in!
35:12Get in!
35:13Get in!
35:14Get in!
35:14Get in!
35:14Get in!
35:15Get in!
35:16Get in!
35:16Get in!
35:16Get in!
35:16Get in!
35:17Get in!
35:19Get in!
35:21Get in!
35:22What do you think of it so far?
35:25On the hole, I think I prefer football.
35:52Let's roll ball!
35:54All right, let's drop ball.
35:58Oh, boy!
36:00Oh!
36:02Oh!
36:02How's that?
36:03Nice!
36:05Hey!
36:06Hey!
36:07Hey!
36:07Go, John.
36:12A ball!
36:14Corner.
36:15Corner, it was a deliberate and ball.
36:20It was a corner, Fields.
36:22I heard that, Fields.
36:23You weren't even looking.
36:24I was looking where I needed to look.
36:30Don't argue with the rest, Fields.
36:32It was an obvious penalty.
36:34Are you joking?
36:36Descent, Fields.
36:39Police officers have to show an example.
36:41Corner!
36:46Hooligan!
36:57You.
36:59Alan told me you'd end up again.
37:00I just want a little word, sweetheart.
37:02You know what a little word you'll get?
37:04Come on, darling.
37:05You'll always let a man in, won't you?
37:06Of course I will.
37:08Did you bring one with you?
37:10Listen, I've been done over.
37:12If it was him, I'll make him sorry.
37:14I'll tell him.
37:15If I see him.
37:17Gonna move your foot.
37:18I'll find him, you know.
37:20Ah!
37:20God, bitch!
37:23I'll call it, I'll call it, I'll call it!
37:28Just call it, I'll call it!
37:31God, I'll call it.
37:32I'll call it.
37:38Go, go!
37:40You did that deliberately!
37:41No!
37:41Oh, no!
38:07Did you see that?
38:11Come on, Winchester!
38:35What was it doing?
38:38I'm marking four rounds.
38:40Are you playing tomorrow?
38:40Four rounds, Marky.
38:41Four.
38:42The four rounds?
38:43Yes.
38:43Four.
38:47Which trifleما?
38:49Yeah!
38:50Two more rounds.
38:50Two more rounds!
38:51Two more rounds around!
39:02Three more rounds!
39:07Three more rounds!
39:09concentrating seasonal Enerbeous
39:10Applying Fzagmak
39:14Come on, Arthur. Give us hands.
39:18Oh, I've got that one!
39:22Come on, hurry up.
39:24A bit of bump heads.
39:25It's a bit mad, though.
39:27You all right?
39:32Here, I've got some of this, my son.
39:39I had to bring it with me, Arthur. It wasn't safe to leave it in the dressing room.
39:42I don't think it's safer out here. I'll have to get rid of it.
39:46A little off time yet.
39:50Come on, keep on your feet.
39:53Come on, keep on your feet.
39:56Just keep playing your natural game and expressing yourself.
40:002-1, Darren.
40:02Come there and even rub me sweat yet.
40:04You've got to start getting it tight at the back and hit them on the brake.
40:06Yeah, that's right, right?
40:25We're gonna mess around you, boys.
40:31Hey, what are you guys keep on mind?
40:38Come here.
40:38The big one to go about for the attack is getting good.
40:40Hey, quickie, quickie.
40:42And then he's in love with me.
40:59Ten yards, ten yards, ten yards, ten yards.
41:12Ten yards, ten yards!
41:16Ready!
41:17All right, come on!
41:18Ten yards, I'm going to fly!
41:24You won't attack?
41:28You won't attack?
41:30I think so.
41:33One, two, three!
41:46That was the goal. Don't argue with me.
41:49I'm the ref.
41:50I know what's going on in this game.
41:55I'm the ref. That was the goal.
41:56And that's the end of the battle, all right?
41:59Do you want to see my Riccardo?
42:01Go goal. Go goal.
42:03That was the goal. Come on, line up. Get back on the field.
42:06Have a word with the linesman. Sort the linesman.
42:10He's played his last game, Mr. Mora.
42:13Oh, well, that's it, then. Match abandoned.
42:28Tragic, Vic, eh?
42:29Oh, of course. You never knew him, did you?
42:52No hard feelings, Filt.
42:54No, Sarge.
42:55I mean, what's the sending off compared with the coroner, eh?
42:59Oh, it's pity about that, eh?
43:00I was enjoying myself.
43:04Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, I bring good tidings.
43:09I have just come from Alan's bedside, where he's making a good recovery in the arms of his loving wife,
43:15Angie.
43:18He sends his best and says any contribution he has made to save the Winchester Fund was well worth the
43:23effort.
43:24Yeah!
43:26So, charge your glasses and let the auction commence, right?
43:32Got one in for your heart.
43:33Oh, can't I?
43:35Ladies and gentlemen, and me Uncle Arthur.
43:38As you know, this auction's on behalf of an institution we all owe dear.
43:42The Winchester Club.
43:43Yeah!
43:44And for a man we both like and admire, ladies and gentlemen, I'll give you Dave.
43:49Dave!
43:52So, I hope you're all in a very generous mood tonight.
43:54Now, lot number one has been donated by my very own mother and is an ornament in the shape of
44:00a Spanish dancer.
44:02I just think the missus will go for that.
44:04Yeah, looks quite attractive, Sarge.
44:07So, who'll start the bidding?
44:09£10.
44:10Seeing his believing, ladies and gentlemen, a £10 bid from Detective Sergeant Morley.
44:14£250.
44:15£250 from the back.
44:16I'll bid £300.
44:18£300 at the front.
44:19That's ridiculous.
44:20£450.
44:22£450 at the back.
44:23£450, £450.
44:25Going knocked out of Peewee for £450, ladies and gentlemen.
44:30£450.
44:32Now, lot number two has been donated by yet another member of my family.
44:36No prizes for guessing who.
44:38And it's half a dozen cases of a lovely little wire, nice little tipple, the Chateau Winchester.
44:43Now, I can guarantee you, ladies and gentlemen, this is a genuine daily limited edition.
44:48He's only got another 50 cases back in the lock-up.
44:51That boy is seriously lacking in respect for me.
44:54So, who'll start the bidding on this one?
44:56£250.
44:58£250 a Peewee?
44:59£300.
45:00£300 to the charming young lady in the middle there.
45:03£400.
45:03£400.
45:04Thank you, sir.
45:04And, you know, Arthur, at this rate, I reckon we'll raise £10,000.
45:09£10,355 at least, Dave.
45:11£800 from Lenny.
45:12£800.
45:13Going once.
45:15Twice.
45:16Sold to Lenny Hawthorne for £800, ladies and gentlemen.
45:23Something very suspicious going on here.
45:25I don't mean so cynical, Mr Morley.
45:27What you are witnessing is a genuine outpouring of affection for the Winchester Club.
45:32Right, ladies and gentlemen.
45:33Gloria, next item, please.
45:35Lot number three, and I'm sure you'll be very pleased about this, is a coppers helmet.
45:39Too bom.
45:41This was the very coppers helmet found outside the Winchester, 1975, that was involved in
45:47the Wilsdon Market Traders' punch-up and donated an aid by Harry the At-Hawkins.
45:52Nice one, Harold.
45:54What do I hear?
46:01Leaving so soon, Vic?
46:03Arthur.
46:04I want to show you something before you go.
46:06Yeah.
46:07Look.
46:11Amazing, isn't it?
46:13What is?
46:15Grass, Vic, grass.
46:17Springs up in the most unexpected places.
46:20See all them brown patches out there?
46:23That's where it got trodden on by big, heavy boots.
46:26Never seems to come back after that.
46:29It won't happen again.
46:30Trust me on it.
46:31I trust you, Vic.
46:33I trust you to get off this manor for good tonight, before I put word around about you
46:37and your little sideline.
46:39For my pub.
46:40I'm skinned.
46:41Dave will take over the Attenfeathers until the Winchester's repaired.
46:46You bloody planned this, didn't you?
46:49Me?
46:57Now, the next lot, ladies and gentlemen, is the first of our novelty items.
47:01It's the throttling bit that Dave retrieved from Barbara Winters' cleavage when she visited
47:05the club in 1969.
47:09Do I hear 500?
47:11Hmm.
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