- 3 hours ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:02America's 250th birthday is coming up, which means fireworks.
00:05Woo-hoo!
00:06But if you're a dog, boo-hoo!
00:08We're not expecting you to stop firing off explosives.
00:11This is still America.
00:12But here's how to keep your pets safe, even while the world around them gets loud.
00:17Dress your dog in a weighted vest and earmuffs.
00:19Works a charm.
00:20Right, Shred?
00:21I've never felt so calm in my life.
00:23Startled dogs often make a run for it.
00:26So microchip your pet, or else this will happen.
00:30Go, friends.
00:31Go.
00:32Come on, you're embarrassing me.
00:33Play soothing music to keep your pooch calm.
00:35Or if you're like me and you have perfect pitch, just sing to them.
00:39There's nothing to be afraid of, just because the sky is on fire.
00:45And when in doubt, cuddles go a long way.
00:48And on an unrelated but mandatory note, Seattle is experiencing a boom in waterborne anal worms.
00:53So make your vaccination appointments soon.
00:55And happy birthday, America!
00:58Hey, listen up, people.
01:00The Animal Control Officers Association is sending a representative today to observe our two
01:04Acuti nominees.
01:06Acuti?
01:06Animal Control Officer of the Year.
01:08And why didn't you just say that?
01:09Because Acuti saves time.
01:11And yet, here we are.
01:12Anyways, they're sending Wayne Peters.
01:14Oh, they're bringing in the big dog.
01:15He was the first person to ever win the award, and he endorsed eight of the last nine winners.
01:19He's a bit of a kingmaker.
01:20If you win Wayne's vote, you win Officer of the Year.
01:23Stay alert.
01:24He's been known to undercover boss it with disguises.
01:26He could be an old man looking for a dog.
01:28And one time in Eugene, he was the dog.
01:31When is he coming?
01:32He's already here.
01:34That's right.
01:35Always observe an animal before you enter their habitat.
01:39Great to meet you, sir.
01:40Officer Dutch.
01:42Officer Shaw.
01:43Two nominees from the same precinct.
01:46That's rare.
01:46They're almost like an albino rattlesnake.
01:49Whoa.
01:49Is it hemotoxic or neurotoxic venom?
01:51Neuro.
01:52You're a badass.
01:53Well, I am here to identify the person who best demonstrates professionalism, integrity,
01:57and a commitment to animal safety.
01:59And whoever shows me these qualities will get my recommendation as one of the ten finalists
02:03for this year's award.
02:04Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to hit the head.
02:07I've been in this onesie all morning.
02:08Wayne is going to do a ride-along with both you and Templeton.
02:11I need you to impress him, because if Templeton wins this award, he's coming for my job.
02:14Yeah, he's got him bald.
02:15I caught him eating lunch here yesterday, doing a pretend Zoom with the mayor.
02:18Is that why there was fat all on my keyboard?
02:19Frank, you have to win.
02:21Guys, this comes down to personality.
02:23I got it in the bag.
02:27What are these looks?
02:28Guys, I'm diligent.
02:29I'm smart.
02:30I'm quick with a zinger.
02:31Like, Emily, you'd be taken more seriously if your sentences didn't sound like questions.
02:34Okay, ouch.
02:35Yeah, I hate to say it, but I think Templeton has a very pale leg up on you.
02:39The terrible stuff that he says seems like jokes if you don't know him.
02:41Maybe you need to do something, I don't know, a little extra?
02:44Something that makes Templeton look worse?
02:47Is there something wrong with your stomach?
02:49No, I think she wants Frank to sabotage Templeton.
02:52As your boss, I would never suggest that.
02:54On the record.
02:55Yeah, I'm in.
02:56Shred, what ideas do we have left on the dossier?
02:58There's the one where we convince Templeton he's becoming the smallest man on earth.
03:01But that could take years.
03:03See, I would never condone anything like that.
03:05Because that would be cheating.
03:07I got it.
03:07Just please don't wink again.
03:09So Maya's been hounding me for a double date with you and Parker.
03:12I've been trying to hold her off, but she's got this couple's therapist wrapped around her finger.
03:16Usually when Parker and I meet up with other couples, group sex is involved.
03:20Yeah, no, this would be like a corner booth at P.F. Chang's.
03:24Say 545, one bottle of wine, split four ways, and you let me take home the rest.
03:28Okay, wow, this is all very heteronormative, tradwife, normcore.
03:33Which would make it kind of the freakiest thing that Parker and I had done in a while.
03:36You know what?
03:37Tell her we're in.
03:39Are you sure?
03:39Parker could tuck his shirt in.
03:41Oh my God, with a belt.
03:44Hilarious, that's so good.
03:45For the record, I don't love you mocking my lifestyle.
03:48Well, maybe he's having a sale.
03:49Huh?
03:51I know what I'm doing on Saturday.
03:56Somebody's got to go first.
03:57Then again, somebody's got to go last.
04:00Doesn't matter to me.
04:01Either way, he's going to be eating a delicious eclair from his favorite bakery.
04:04You're bribing him with an eclair after lunch?
04:06That's embarrassing.
04:07I'll go first.
04:08It's fine by me.
04:08All right, that's classic reverse psychology.
04:11I will go second.
04:12Figured me out.
04:13Now that is reverse psychology.
04:15I will go first.
04:17What is that?
04:18Hey.
04:20Like a violin.
04:22Hey, Shred.
04:23I had dinner with my friend Cassie last night.
04:25I showed her one of your snowboard clips.
04:26She's in.
04:27In?
04:27To you.
04:28And you love her.
04:29She's so athletic and pretty and shorter than you.
04:32So I sent her a text this morning and she's open to a setup.
04:35Yeah, that's really sweet and cool.
04:375'7 is also the global average for men.
04:39Not that that matters.
04:40But I don't think I'm really in a place right now.
04:42No, listen.
04:43I've known her forever from church.
04:45She's like my little church daughter.
04:46You're like my work son.
04:47It's perfect.
04:48Unless, are you seeing someone?
04:49No, no, he's not seeing anyone.
04:51No, you should do it.
04:52She sounds perfect.
04:54Um, yes.
04:55Okay, yeah.
04:56I'd take her for a spin ride.
04:59I'd go out with her.
05:00But can you tell her I'm shy and I don't like to kiss on the first date?
05:03Oh, nothing makes undies drop faster than a gentleman.
05:06I got a good feeling about this.
05:09Uh, sorry.
05:10What is happening?
05:11Hello.
05:11It looks suspicious if you won't go on a setup with the perfect woman.
05:14Yeah, or we could just tell everybody we're together and I don't go on a weird fake date.
05:17It's just, it's not a good time.
05:18It's Wayne Peters and the Akutis and there's a supermoon tomorrow, so this is a better plan.
05:22Just trust me.
05:23I didn't know about the supermoon.
05:24Yeah.
05:24Okay, I will go on the date.
05:26But, while I'm holding her hand, I'll be imagining it's yours.
05:29Why will you be holding her hand?
05:32This is a very confusing assignment you've given me.
05:36And here I thought my greatest disguise was hiding my sweet tooth.
05:39Eh, good officer does his research.
05:42Oh!
05:43Back!
05:44Rusidis, Egypticus, unconfined.
05:46How do we proceed, officer?
05:47Uh, okay, wet fro condition.
05:49School bus on my six.
05:50Too dicey to break.
05:51I'm gonna confuse its echo location.
05:53Oh!
05:54Oh!
05:55Oh!
05:56Wee, wee, oh!
05:57Oh!
06:00Textbook.
06:03I'll give you that one.
06:04I did that.
06:05I did say that.
06:06Wayne, I just want to apologize on behalf of the precinct for what you experienced on
06:10that ride-along.
06:10Questionable jokes, unnecessary lip-licking, giggling, and whispering like a farmhouse ghost.
06:15Au contraire.
06:16Wayne and I had a fine time controlling the animals of Seattle.
06:18He caught a bat while driving.
06:20I've never seen such deft fingers.
06:22Um, I'm glad you enjoyed your opener because your headliner's about to melt your face off.
06:27Unfortunately, that bat took a huge chunk of our day.
06:29Why don't we just grab a hotel lobby coffee tomorrow?
06:31I'm rolling out for Boise around nine.
06:33I'll be there at seven.
06:34I wake up at eight fifteen.
06:36Tea bag.
06:36Impressive stuff today, buddy.
06:37Nice.
06:39Nice try, Frank.
06:41And the acuity goes to Dirk Templeton Dodge.
06:45Why doesn't he just go by Dirk?
06:49This is out of control.
06:50Thanks to your little prank, Templeton looks like gosh dang Captain America.
06:54How was I supposed to know that living Squishmallow was gonna be competent for the first time
06:57in his life?
06:58When he takes my job, they'll probably move me to city planning, which we all know is
07:01a never-ending argument about bike lanes.
07:03Don't worry.
07:03Frank still has his coffee date and my man is great in the morning.
07:06He wakes up just a chittering like a field mouse.
07:08I'm not your man and don't lie.
07:09Six to eight p.m. is my golden hour.
07:11Wait a minute.
07:12Why don't I just invite Wayne over for dinner and drinks at my place?
07:14Mm-hmm.
07:16Why are you doing that again?
07:17Because you're a sad man with a sad house.
07:19Wait, what if we could dilute the sadness with us?
07:22We could throw a dinner party, sing Frank's praises, and then maybe Wayne wouldn't even
07:25notice that you have an entire room for your dog and your cat.
07:27Mm, I couldn't do it tonight because Maya, she bullied me into a double date with Victoria.
07:31I'm doing that for ironic cosplay reasons, so rolling that into a work thing kind of works.
07:35What are you doing?
07:36You guys plotting?
07:37You have plotting energy.
07:39Somebody close the blinds right now.
07:42Sorry.
07:44And his name was Dr. Tarantula.
07:48Cassie, this is Shren.
07:50Oh, my God, he's so cute.
07:51Oh, the cat's not too bad either.
07:53Don't worry, we've both been dewormed.
07:55Oh, why don't I take this little fur baby so you two can get going on your date?
07:59Oh, is it date time already?
08:00Yay.
08:01Go have fun, you two.
08:03You, yes.
08:05Okay.
08:06After you?
08:07Oh, after you.
08:09I bet he's doing that so he can look at her butt.
08:11Ah, yeah, for sure, for sure.
08:13You know, as long as you're matchmaking, feel free to throw some strange my way.
08:17Girl, I got apps for that.
08:18Yeah.
08:20So glad you could make it.
08:21Figured you're on the road.
08:22300 days a year.
08:23Home-cooked meal.
08:24Toasty Italian red bike be nice.
08:26Yeah.
08:26My dinner was going to be the cold bagels that I pocketed from the Ramada.
08:29Oh.
08:32Ramada.
08:32May I?
08:33Please.
08:34I am so glad this worked out.
08:35I've been trying to get us all together for ages, but Amit keeps telling me you're too busy.
08:39No, he's totally right.
08:40We're crazy busy these days.
08:42Candle shopping and container store and racing each other to finish the word all.
08:47It was so hard today.
08:49It was.
08:49Not for her.
08:50She got it in two guesses.
08:51Exile.
08:51Well, don't give him the answer.
08:53Let me brag on you, baby.
08:54Let me.
08:55You stop.
08:55You stop.
08:56You stop.
08:57You stop.
08:58No, you stop.
08:59You stop.
09:00He's turned on his item alone.
09:02Stop it.
09:02I've got such a headache from doing all that laundry.
09:04Oh, stop.
09:05It's awesome.
09:07Bye, May.
09:08I just wanted to give a little toast and thank Frank for not only hosting this lovely dinner
09:14for all of us, but also being one of the best officers I've ever known.
09:19His courage, quick thinking, calm under pressure.
09:23If I ever get that dreaded wolf in an orphanage phone call, Frank's my guy.
09:28So, to Frank.
09:30To Frank.
09:31To the big cat.
09:32Stop.
09:33He's the best.
09:33Stop.
09:34Compliments make me uncomfortable.
09:36Your co-workers have a lot of nice things to say about you.
09:38Oh, well, my teammate Shred is a bit of a partner crush on me.
09:41Where is he?
09:42Oh, Shred is on a date, but he should be here soon.
09:44I mean, it's only been, um, oh, three hours.
09:47Wow.
09:48You know what we should do next time?
09:50Taste of Seattle.
09:51It's the last Sunday of every month, and this month the theme is cheese.
09:55Yeah, but they only let you sample three cheeses, and you guys probably have plans.
09:58No, we'll be there.
09:59I'll bring my lactate.
10:00See, babe, I told you they'd be into it.
10:02She didn't.
10:03Just tell me.
10:04All right, a couple of selfies, are you ready?
10:07I am extremely horny right now.
10:08Your sensible sneakers are grading me absolutely insane.
10:11Stop.
10:12It's always good to be back at my old frats.
10:14I noticed you guys are getting a little soft with your hazing.
10:17When I was a freshman, the senior brothers convinced me to get a tattoo to match theirs.
10:22Then theirs washed off.
10:23Hey, remember you told me to follow Patel's wife's socials?
10:26Well, it's finally paying off.
10:27I got a discount at Madewell, and I just found out that Frank is hosting a dinner party with Wayne
10:31right now.
10:32I knew it.
10:33That was plotting energy.
10:36I present Salmon a la Shah.
10:40What's everyone else eating?
10:45Oh, good.
10:47Oh, Shred's finally here.
10:57Milan is a National Lampoon movie.
11:00No!
11:01Get away!
11:03This is Templeton's dangerous, sprinkled all over it.
11:12That's Doc Whiskers.
11:18You know what I'm a rager on a Tuesday?
11:19I'm appalled, Frank.
11:20I just rushed here from Bible studies as soon as I heard.
11:22Save it, Officer Dutch.
11:23I know you're responsible for this.
11:25You told me you're a legacy member of this frat when we were on our drive.
11:28You even taught me the handshake.
11:30He had to rush twice.
11:31He didn't get in his first semester.
11:32Because I went with my mom the first time Frank put the bat in your pastry.
11:35Okay, I guess I'm dealing with a couple pranksters here.
11:37You're both missing the esprit de corps that makes animal control special.
11:41We put the animals before ourselves, and you've both lost sight of that.
11:44So neither of you are getting my endorsement.
11:48Wayne.
11:48Wayne, please!
11:50Do not drink out of that vase!
11:51What are you doing?
11:52No!
11:53Hey.
11:53Oh my gosh, you're here.
11:54Thank God.
11:55Yeah.
11:55Our plan to impress Wayne is a disaster.
11:57I'm so sorry I'm late.
11:58Coffee went long, and then we went to mini-golf.
12:00It was a whole thing.
12:01No, it's okay.
12:01It doesn't matter.
12:02What matters is you're here now.
12:04And so is Cassie.
12:06Cassie's here.
12:07Yeah.
12:07Frank texted while we were at the batting cages.
12:09He said to come right away.
12:10The batting cages?
12:11I played softball in college.
12:12At Princeton?
12:13She gets weird about it.
12:15Just say you went there.
12:16Why are you weird about it?
12:17It must be so nice to be so pretty and smart and athletic.
12:20Do you want to get something to drink?
12:21Um, Emily, do you want anything?
12:24No, thank you.
12:25I'm good.
12:25Just worried about your date.
12:27Okay.
12:35Who would have thought that living out my worst nightmare would be so hot?
12:39Nightmares are a little strong.
12:41They gave us the number for the gutter guide.
12:42But, like, on a physical card.
12:44Why do they have this?
12:45Did they just ask him for extras?
12:47I get that it's sad stuff.
12:48But is it?
12:49I mean, I'm actually excited about Taste of Seattle.
12:52Are you still doing a bit?
12:54We're not going to that.
12:54Why not?
12:55Because we're not Myron Patel.
12:57Yeah, but would it be that bad if someday we were?
13:01Okay, we're not the mom and dad types.
13:04Okay, but this quarter zip has awoken something inside of me like a werewolf but with a mortgage and literally
13:10on the weekends.
13:11Oh, um, yeah, I need to meet.
13:13Wait, wait, wait.
13:15What is that leaving for the cheese thing?
13:19Okay.
13:20How's that?
13:21Beg it up.
13:21It is hot.
13:22Beg it up.
13:23Beg it up.
13:23Beg it up.
13:24What?
13:24Oh, wow.
13:25Okay.
13:26Oh.
13:27I love this song, too.
13:29It's so good.
13:30I just can't help but dance.
13:31Oh, my God.
13:32Oh, my God.
13:33Cass, I'm so sorry.
13:35That's so crazy that that happened.
13:37Oh, it's really, it's okay.
13:38I have another shirt in my work bag.
13:40Okay.
13:41She's a pediatric oncologist.
13:43Ah, you are.
13:44Wow, you're saving the little ones.
13:46That's out of sight.
13:47Wow.
13:47I, myself, I volunteer at a women's shelter, so.
13:50St. Augustine?
13:51Uh-huh.
13:51I'm there like four times a week.
13:53Yeah, it has been a minute since I've been there.
13:56I used to go Saturdays, but I found this one yoga class, so.
13:59There's actually a guest bedroom upstairs if you want to change.
14:02Yes, yes, Shred, but she doesn't know the house.
14:05So why don't you be a gentleman and show her where the second bedroom is?
14:09You know what?
14:09I'll take you.
14:10Oh, you're so sweet.
14:12Yeah.
14:12You remind me of my aunt.
14:13Aw.
14:14Whoops, got you again.
14:15Oh.
14:16Get you changed.
14:19All right here, remember your technique of slicing into the onion, making some levels.
14:24Sorry, wrong room.
14:25Yeah.
14:28So, Shred seems great.
14:30Yeah, yeah, Shred, he's not great.
14:34Mm-mm.
14:34He's, he's pretty problematic.
14:36Yeah, he's a real hound dog.
14:38He seems so nice at the batting cages.
14:40I'm sure he was.
14:41That's one of his moves, though.
14:42It's toxic respect.
14:44It's the new gaslighting.
14:46Is that a thing?
14:46If I were you, I would put on several layers of clothes, like, just right now.
14:51And maybe just, you know, leave without even saying goodbye.
14:54Yeah.
14:54Just bundle you up and...
14:56No, that's a good idea.
14:56I get you high here, you know.
14:58Thank you so much.
14:59That award came with a $10,000 prize.
15:01I was going to travel to Turkey.
15:04I assume for hair transplants and all the Botox your brow can hold?
15:07Lid filler.
15:08Can't put a price on being a legend.
15:09I was blinded by my hatred for you.
15:12Lost sight of the animals.
15:19Hey, look.
15:20I stole our mascot.
15:21Free the holes.
15:23That's my big brow.
15:25Not cool, Trey.
15:26Get off the camel.
15:40Blank them.
15:41I'll go left.
15:42Hey, Siri, play my hops by Fergie.
15:43Call me mom.
15:45No, don't call mom.
15:45Play my hops.
15:47Hey, Cassie texted.
15:48She left the party.
15:49Really?
15:50I teed that up for you.
15:52She was perfect.
15:53Smart, family money, tight little church body.
15:55How tight was that body, Emily?
15:56Honestly, very tight.
15:57Did you say family money?
15:58Baby boy, what the hell happened?
16:00She wasn't right for me because I'm in love with someone else.
16:09Who is it?
16:10I want names.
16:12My ex, Camilla.
16:14She's an Olympic snowboarder and I still have feelings.
16:17Okay, I need some eyes on this ice queen.
16:19Yeah.
16:20Oh, you still have photos of her on your phone.
16:23That's nice.
16:24And she's an Olympian?
16:26Oh, you're not getting any better than this.
16:28Come on, let's go get a drink and we can game plan on how we're going to get her back.
16:30Okay.
16:31Go get her back.
16:33Yeah.
16:33Go get her back.
16:36Hey.
16:37Hey.
16:38Sorry, I sort of freaked out.
16:40You caught me off guard.
16:42I think I caught myself off guard, too.
16:45Do you really want all that stuff?
16:47Kids, house, a belt that's not rope.
16:51I've been adrift for all my life.
16:53And tonight I got a preview of what it would be like to settle down with a girl that I
16:58really like.
16:59And I really liked it.
17:06See, that scares me because I don't want those things.
17:12Damn.
17:13Damn.
17:19I don't want to stand in the way of you chasing what you want.
17:24So what does that mean?
17:25Are we breaking up?
17:28I think we are.
17:35Make way for the drama day!
17:37Listen up, all you Aiden, Brayden, Caden, Jadens, and Noahs.
17:41This thing has a 15-foot spit radius.
17:43That's a 30-foot diameter.
17:45Math major, bitches.
17:49So now would probably be a good time to tell you I have a bit of a jealousy problem.
17:54Yeah, you really scared the crap out of that poor girl.
17:57I know.
17:58I had to, though, because no one told me she was this athletic doctor with generational wealth
18:02who saves sick kids and is also, like, super hot.
18:05Yeah, but that's not what I want.
18:06I want you.
18:08Wow.
18:09No, no!
18:10You're hot.
18:11Okay.
18:11Obviously, you're like this incredible boss that works with disadvantaged women when it works with her yoga schedule.
18:16Stop.
18:17And that's what I like.
18:20So, you're in love with someone?
18:22I did say that, didn't I?
18:25Might I ask who, or...
18:39Enjoy this.
18:40The last time I offer you a drink that doesn't require an antidote.
18:43That might be the first ever dual-scooter frat party camel rescue.
18:47Too bad Wayne wasn't here to see it.
18:49He saw everything, bro.
18:54You two put your petty squabbles aside and you put the animals first, and that is what this award is
18:58all about.
18:59You both get my endorsement to be in the final ten nominees.
19:02Congratulations, sir.
19:03Thanks.
19:04Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to be in Boise in the morning, or should I say, of any
19:08machine guy named Rocco does.
19:11We did it.
19:12We're back in the game.
19:13You know, and for those ten minutes, I didn't abhor your presence.
19:15Samesies.
19:16You know, it's nice seeing you two work together.
19:19Maybe we can bring that energy back to the precinct.
19:21Hey, Trey, celebratory keg stand.
19:23I want a brother on every limb.
19:25Let's do it, boys.
19:29Bury that man.
19:30Oh, he's already dead.
19:32Dead.
Comments