- 9 hours ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:01President Trump last night addressed the nation for the first time since starting a war with Iran.
00:06But he actually gave very few new details and repeated his vague timeline for when this war might end.
00:11Still no exit plan and a real timeline for the war's end.
00:14Not necessarily a firm commitment to an end date.
00:18Thanks to the progress we've made, I can say tonight that we are on track to complete all of America's
00:25military objectives shortly, very shortly.
00:27Please stand by as this broadcast is experiencing technical difficulties.
00:32Everything will be resolved very shortly, hopefully within a matter of minutes, but maybe 32 days or even 19 years.
00:41We understand this inconvenience may cause you to feel epic fury, but rest assured it will be repaired tonight or
00:48in the time it would take to go to the moon, go around it and come back home.
00:53A solution certainly will arrive by...
00:55Your grandchildren's future.
00:57Who knows? Maybe it's fixed.
00:59Right now.
01:00It's not. So please instead enjoy this photo of Pedro Pascal's butt.
01:04Unbelievable.
01:05That boy is lethal.
01:07Murder from behind.
01:08It's so good that I'm...
01:10Nearing completion.
01:11Okay, look, we have no clue when this will end.
01:13And when we act like we do, we are completely full of...
01:17Number two.
01:17It's the Late Show with Stephen Colbert.
01:22Tonight, Bye Bye Bondi.
01:26Plus, Stephen welcomes Paul Simon and Bobby Musick.
01:35Featuring Louis Kato and the great big Joy Machine.
01:39And now, live on tape from the Ed Sullivan Theater in New York City, it's Stephen Colbert.
01:48Oh!
01:53Nice job.
02:08Sad to see.
02:10Very nice.
02:11Down here, up there, hideaway.
02:13Welcome, one and all, to the Late Show.
02:15I'm your host Stephen Colbert.
02:17FOLKS, YOU HEAR THE EXCITEMENT IN THIS ROOM?
02:21YOU KNOW WHY IT'S ELECTRIC, BECAUSE WE'RE ALL STILL RIDING HIGH
02:24FROM LAST NIGHT, WHEN, ON BEHALF OF ALL MANKIND,
02:28AMERICA'S ARTEMUS II LUNAR MISSION SUCCESSFULLY LAUNCHED
02:32INTO OUTER SPACE!
02:35WHOO!
02:36WHOO!
02:38BOO-YAH!
02:39SUCK IT, SKY!
02:40SORRY.
02:41WRONG ENERGY.
02:42I'VE GOT MOON MADNESS.
02:45I MEAN, THE MOMENT OF THE LAUNCH WAS JUST AMAZING.
02:49LET'S TAKE A LOOK.
02:5010, 9, 8, 7, RS-25 ENGINES, LATE, 4, 3, 2, 1,
03:00BOOSTER IGNITION, AND LIFT OFF!
03:03THE CREW OF ARTEMUS II, NOW BOUND FOR THE MOON.
03:06THE ONLY WAY THAT COUNTDOWN COULD HAVE BEEN BETTER
03:09IS IF IT WAS PRESENTED BY A DRUNK ANDERSON AND ANDY.
03:14IN SPACE...
03:20IN SPACE, NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU, SHOTSKI.
03:24CONGRATULATIONS TO EVERYONE AT NASA ON A SUCCESSFUL LAUNCH,
03:27INCLUDING THE FOUR ASTRONAUTS, REID WEISMAN, VICTOR GLOVER,
03:30CHRISTINA COOK AND JEREMY HANSEN.
03:33I'M EXCITED.
03:35THIS IS LIKE, I FEEL LIKE I WAS A KID WATCHING THE APOLLO MISSIONS.
03:38A MASSIVE CROWD TURNED OUT, JUST LIKE IN THE OLD DAYS,
03:40TO WITNESS THE FIRST MANNED MOON MISSION SINCE 1972 AT CAPE CANAVERAL.
03:47ONE SPACE FAN, I BELIEVE, CAPTURED THE TRUE SPIRIT OF THE MOMENT.
03:51WHY DO YOU WANT TO BE HERE?
03:52WHY DO YOU LOVE SPACE?
03:54WHY DO YOU LOVE BEING A PART OF HISTORY?
03:56WE'RE GOING BACK TO THE MOON, THAT'S RIGHT.
04:02YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, COME ON.
04:09YOU TELL THEM, CAMERA HEAD, KID.
04:11THAT SAYS IT ALL, REMINDS ME OF THAT FAMOUS CHILDREN'S BOOK,
04:14GOOD NIGHT, MOTHERF**K.
04:28PASSENGERS ON A NEARBY COMMERCIAL FLIGHT WERE ABLE TO
04:30CAPTURE THIS VIEW OF THE LAUNCH FROM THE AIRPLANE.
04:33THAT'S COOL, THOUGH I GOT A FEEL FOR THE PILOT.
04:36LADIES AND GENTLEMAL, IF YOU LOOK OUT YOUR PORT SIDE WINDOWS,
04:38YOU'LL SEE THE HISTORIC ARTEMIS LAUNCH, WHICH, FOR THE RECORD,
04:42I COULD TOTALLY DO.
04:45PILOTS ARE BASICALLY SIDEWAYS ASTRONAUTS.
04:47SOON, WE'LL BE LANDING IN CLEVELAND, WHICH MANY HAVE CALLED
04:51THE MOON OF OHIO.
04:54THE TRIP DID HAVE, REALLY, A LOT OF CLEVELAND PEOPLE HERE?
05:00A LOT OF CLEVELAND, THE TRIP DID HAVE A COUPLE OF HICCUPS.
05:03THERE WERE A COUPLE OF HICCUPS.
05:04JUST A FEW HOURS IN, THERE WAS ALREADY A SOFTWARE PROGRAM,
05:07PROBLEM.
05:07HERE'S CAPTAIN WISEMAN.
05:09I ALSO SEE THAT I HAVE TWO MICROSOFT OUTLOOKS,
05:11AND NEITHER ONE OF THOSE ARE WORKING.
05:13IF YOU WANT TO REMOTE IN AND CHECK OPTIMUS ON THOSE TWO OUTLOOKS,
05:16THAT WOULD BE AWESOME.
05:16THIS, THIS JUST GOES TO SHOW THAT NO MATTER WHAT JOB YOU HAVE,
05:22NO MATTER HOW FAR YOU JOURNEY FROM MOTHER EARTH, OUTLOOK SUCKS.
05:34AND AT 7.49 PM TONIGHT, THE ARTEMIS II MADE ITS LAST FUEL BURN ON THE WAY TO THE MOON,
05:41INCITING ITS ENGINE FOR 5 MINUTES AND 51 SECONDS EXACTLY TO ESCAPE EARTH'S GRAVITATIONAL PULL
05:47ON A PATH TOWARD THE MOON.
05:50OKAY, THAT'S UNBELIEVABLE.
05:51YOU SEE, FROM HERE ON OUT, THEIR COURSE IS ACTUALLY DETERMINED BY INERTIA,
05:54MOMENTUM, AND GRAVITY.
05:56AND WE KNOW THIS THANKS TO THE CALCULATIONS OF SIR ISAAC NEWTON,
05:59WHO IN 1665, FAMOUSLY SAID,
06:03WHEE!
06:06THERE WAS ONE, YEAH, THAT'S HOW, YEAH, THAT'S THE APPLES, THAT WAS THE APPLES.
06:14THERE WAS ONE OTHER PROBLEM AFTER THE LAUNCH.
06:17REPORTEDLY, WHEN ARTEMIS II STARTED ITS EARTH ORBIT,
06:20THERE WAS A BIT OF TOILET TROUBLE ON BOARD.
06:23NOW, I DON'T WANT TO GET INTO DETAILS.
06:26LET'S JUST SAY, ARTEMIS I WAS OKAY.
06:31BUT ARTEMIS II WAS NOT RECOMMENDED.
06:35NOW, IT'S UNDERSTANDABLE, AND THEN IT MIGHT BE DIFFICULT,
06:38AFTER ALL, THIS IS THE FIRST TIME A REAL TOILET HAS BEEN INSTALLED
06:41ON A MISSION INTO DEEP SPACE.
06:44ON THE OLD APOLLO MISSIONS, CREWS USED WASTE COLLECTION BAGS.
06:48AND, LESS, I GOT TO SAY, IF POOPING IN A BAG IS WHAT IT TAKES
06:51TO BE AN ASTRONAUT, I KNOW A GENTLEMAN ON THE D-TRAIN WHO'S GOT
06:55THE RIGHT STUFF.
07:00HE'S GOT SOME STUFF, I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S THE RIGHT STUFF,
07:02BUT HE'S DEFINITELY GOT SOME STUFF.
07:04LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE PROBLEMATIC WASTE DISPOSAL UNIT.
07:07EVIDENTLY, NASA HAS FINALLY ACHIEVED COACHELLA PORTA-POTTY
07:11TECHNOLOGY.
07:13ANYWAY, THEY FIXED IT WITH THE HELP OF OUR NEW SPONSOR.
07:17DO YOU HAVE A CLOGGED TOILET AND HAVE LEFT THE PLANET?
07:21THEN CALL US, KOWALSKI AND SUN SPACE PLUMBERS.
07:25WE'LL COME TO YOU, WHEREVER YOU ARE IN THE GALAXY.
07:29WE SPECIALIZE IN ALL TYPES OF SPACE PLUMBING ISSUES.
07:32MISALIGNED NEBULA FLAPPER, VULCAN VALVE MELT,
07:35THE LITHIUM CRYSTAL CALCIFICATION, WOOKIE HAIRING DRAIN,
07:38ACCIDENTAL TOILET PORTATION,
07:40PIPE TRIBBLES, AND BATTLE STAR GALAXICLOCK.
07:43WE CAN EVEN HANDLE THIS.
07:47SHOW POOP LONG AND PROSPER.
07:50CALL KOWALSKI AND SUN SPACE PLUMBERS TODAY.
07:54WE PUT YOUR RAINERS FIRST.
07:59NEW SPONSOR, 40 MILLION DOLLARS?
08:03NEW SPONSOR.
08:06SPEAKING OF HUMAN WASTE, JUST A FEW HOURS AGO,
08:09WE LEARNED THAT PRESIDENT TRUMP FIRED ATTORNEY GENERAL PAM BONDI.
08:19YEAH, THERE YOU GO.
08:24THERE IT IS.
08:28NOW, LISTEN, IN TRIBUTE TO PAM BONDI,
08:33UH, I OFFER THIS HEARTFELT FAREWELL.
08:46EVIDENTLY, THE PRESIDENT HAD SOME ISSUES WITH THE WAY BONDI DID HER JOB, BUT SOURCES SAY THAT HE WAS PARTICULARLY
08:52FRUSTRATED OVER HER HANDLING OF THE EPSTEIN FILES.
08:55SAYING THAT THE VILLAIN OF THE EPSTEIN FILES IS PAM BONDI IS LIKE SAYING THE LEAD IN DIE HARD IS
09:02THE DAD FROM FAMILY MATTERS.
09:07TRUMP MADE THE ANNOUNCEMENT ON SOCIAL MEDIA,
09:10PAM BONDI IS A GREAT AMERICAN PATRIOT AND A LOYAL FRIEND WHO FAITHFULLY SERVED AS MY ATTORNEY GENERAL OVER THE
09:16PAST YEAR.
09:17WE LOVE PAM AND SHE WILL BE TRANSITIONING TO A MUCH NEEDED AND IMPORTANT NEW JOB IN THE PRIVATE SECTOR
09:24TO BE ANNOUNCED AT A DATE IN THE NEAR FUTURE.
09:27NO, FOLK, IT'S GREAT, IT'S A MUCH NEEDED JOB AT A VERY IMPORTANT FARM-UP STATE.
09:35THERE WILL BE LOTS OF ROOM FOR HER TO RUN AROUND, UNFORTUNATELY, WE CAN'T GO VISIT HER.
09:39NOW LET'S GO TO THE STRIP MALL AND GET YOU A NEW ATTORNEY GENERAL, BUDDY, COME ON.
09:45OKAY, I'VE PUT IT OFF.
09:50SHE'LL BE FINE.
09:52SHE'S GONNA BE FINE.
09:55OKAY, I'VE PUT IT OFF LONG ENOUGH.
09:56LAST NIGHT, TRUMP GAVE A PRIMETIME ADDRESS ABOUT THE IRAN WAR, AND IT WAS ALL THE STUFF YOU'VE HEARD
10:02BEFORE, BUT NOW DELIVERED BY A NARCHOTIZED TURTLE.
10:05THE SPEECH WAS BUILD AS A MAJOR UPDATE ON THE MONTHLONG WAR, BUT THE ONLY REAL INFORMATION HE OFFERED WAS
10:12THAT OTHER WARS LASTED LONGER.
10:14IT'S VERY IMPORTANT THAT WE KEEP THIS CONFLICT IN PERSPECTIVE.
10:18THAT AMERICAN INVOLVEMENT IN WORLD WAR I LASTED ONE YEAR, SEVEN MONTHS, AND FIVE DAYS.
10:26WORLD WAR II LASTED FOR THREE YEARS, EIGHT MONTHS, AND TWENTY-FIVE DAYS.
10:32THE KOREAN WAR LASTED FOR THREE YEARS, ONE MONTH, AND TWO DAYS.
10:37THE VIETNAM WAR LASTED FOR 19 YEARS, FIVE MONTHS, AND TWENTY-NINE DAYS.
10:43IRAQ WENT ON FOR EIGHT YEARS, EIGHT MONTHS, AND TWENTY-EIGHT DAYS.
10:49FRASER WENT ON FOR ELEVEN YEARS, ONE MONTH, AND THIRTY-SIX MINUTES.
10:54SUDDENLY, SUSAN WAS ONLY FOUR YEARS, TWO DAYS, AND THREE BOX TOPS.
11:00SEX, SEX IN THE CITY WAS SIX YEARS, UNLESS YOU COUNT, AND JUST LIKE THAT, WHICH PERSONALLY I DON'T,
11:06BECAUSE MY MIRANDA WOULD NEVER LEAVE STEVE.
11:11NOW...
11:22TRUMP TOLD US WHAT WE CAN EXPECT NEXT, AND IT WAS A LITTLE ALL OVER THE MAP.
11:26WE'RE GOING TO HIT THEM EXTREMELY HARD OVER THE NEXT TWO TO THREE WEEKS.
11:31WE'RE GOING TO BRING THEM BACK TO THE STONE AGES WHERE THEY BELONG.
11:36IN THE MEANTIME, DISCUSSIONS ARE ONGOING.
11:38WHAT? HUH? WHAT?
11:42HOLY WHIPFLASH, BATMAN.
11:45LOOK, I GOT A MESSAGE FOR DR. BONESMASHER.
11:48WHEN I MEET YOU IN THE RING TOMORROW NIGHT, BROTHER,
11:50I'M GONNA CRUSH YOUR SPINE INTO A FINE POWDER,
11:53THEN CUT IT INTO LINES AND SNORT IT UP.
11:56ALSO, CAROL AND I ARE DOING A SMALL BRUNCH THING TOMORROW AT OUR PLACE.
12:00WE LOVE YOU TO COME AND BRING THE FAM!
12:04MIRANDA!
12:09WE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
12:12MY GUESTS ARE PAUL SIMON AND RAMANY USUF.
12:15BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, MEANWHILE, JOIN US, WON'T YOU?
12:22I'M GONNA CRUSH YOURSELF.
12:39COME BACK, MEANWHILE, JOIN USUF.
12:43OH, MY GOODNESS.
12:47NOW, FOLKS, AS YOU MAY OR MAY NOT KNOW, WE HAVE A LOT OF GREAT
12:50WRITERS HERE ON THE SHOW, AND ONE OF THOSE GREAT WRITERS IS A MAN
12:52NAMED MICHAEL CRUZ-CANE, OKAY?
12:55MICHAEL CRUZ-CANE HAS GOT A STAND-UP COMEDY SPECIAL ABOUT
12:58GRIEF CALLED, SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS.
13:00IT'S AVAILABLE TO STREAM RIGHT NOW.
13:03AND WHEN THIS SHOW RAN OFF-BROADWAY, IT WAS NOMINATED
13:05FOR A BUNCH OF AWARDS.
13:06WHEN IT WAS ON AUTUBLE, IT WAS NAMED BEST OF AUTUBLE.
13:08AND NOW THAT IT'S STREAMING, MAYBE IT WILL WIN MOST PERFECT SHOW
13:11IN THE WORLD.
13:12WE'RE GOING OFF THE AIR, SO THERE'S AN OPENING.
13:16LOOK FOR IT ON A WONDERFUL APP CALLED DROPOUT OR AT DROPOUT.TV.
13:20THERE YOU GO.
13:21FOLKS...
13:25FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THIS SHOW, YOU KNOW I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME
13:28RIGHT OVER THERE IN THE NEWS.
13:29TRUE-BANG, FOLDING THE MOST TOPICAL GROUND STORY PORK,
13:32MUNG BEAN SPROUTS, CHOPCHE NOODLES, AND P-BIGO FIRM TOFU
13:36INTO DELICATE SULASONG WANTON WRAPPERS, AND THEN GENTLY PAN-FRYING
13:40TO MAKE THE KOREAN KUNMAN-DU DUMPLINGS THAT ARE MY KNOTLEAN MONOLOGUE.
13:44BUT SOMETIMES, AFTER LOSING A DRINKING CONTEST TO A RUSSIAN CIRCUS
13:47BEAR, I WAKE UP IN A CANAL WHERE I SQUEEZE THE FILLING FROM A
13:50DISCARDED TACO INTO A HALF-EATEN PILLSBURY TURNOVER AND CHOW DOWN ON THE
13:54SWAMP RAVIOLI OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT.
13:58MEANWHILE, YOU KNOW WHAT, IT'S TASTY AND NUTRITIOUS.
14:05PEOPLE DON'T THINK ABOUT THE NUTRITION OF MEANWHILE.
14:10MEANWHILE, NEAR HAWAII, A DOLPHIN JUMPED A MASSIVE 15 FEET
14:15ABOVE THE OCEAN AND DREW COMPARISONS TO MICHAEL JORDAN.
14:20WOW, MICHAEL JORDAN.
14:21MICHAEL, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT BEING COMPARED TO THAT DOLPHIN?
14:31DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING.
14:35MEANWHILE, GREAT NEWS FOR USERS OF LETTERBOXED, THE APP FOR LOGGING
14:39MOVIES THAT YOU'VE WATCHED, BECAUSE A FAN HAS CREATED A VIRAL
14:43LETTERBOXED KEYCHEIN THAT LEXCINEPHILES SHOW OFF THEIR FAVORITE
14:47MOVIES ON THE GO USING PHOTO INSERTS ON THE KEYCHEIN.
14:51FOR CUSTOMIZABLE FAVORITE SLOTS, STYLED AFTER THE APP'S LAYOUT.
14:56THIS IS A GREAT WAY TO MEET A LIKE-MINDED MOVIE FAN OR A FAIR
15:00WARNING THAT SOMEONE NEAR YOU IS MENTALLY UNSTABLE ENOUGH TO ENJOY
15:04TRON ARIES.
15:08MEANWHILE, COSTCO HAS INTRODUCED A 10-POUND, $140 CHOCOLATE EASTER
15:15BUNNY, BUT YOU'LL NEED A HAMMER TO EAT IT.
15:18THE MEGA BUNNY IS NAMED PETE, BECAUSE WHEN MY CHILDREN
15:22BLUDGEN SOMETHING TO DEATH WITH A HAMMER, I FIRST WANT IT TO SEEM AS
15:25HUMAN AS POSSIBLE.
15:29THE INSTRUCTIONS ON THE PACKAGING SUGGEST CUSTOMERS WRAP PETE IN A
15:34TOWEL AND GIVE ONE BOLD WACK WITH A HAMMER, MALLET, OR ROLLING PIN,
15:39ADDING, IF HE PLEADS, DON'T BE MOVED.
15:42YOU ARE A GOD AND HE IS YOUR PREY.
15:45BE SWIFT AND FEEL THE WEAKNESS WITHIN YOU MELTING AWAY.
15:48IT WILL BE EASIER NEXT TIME.
15:52GOOD.
15:57IN CASE YOU'RE WONDERING, 10-POUND PETE HERE CONSISTS OF 151 SERVINGS,
16:03IF YOU'RE A COWARD.
16:07IN OTHER MASTIVE EASTER TREAT NEWS, BRITISH CHOCOLATE MAKER
16:11CADBERRY HAS UNVAILED A GIANT 121-POUND EGG.
16:14OKAY, SOUNDS GOOD SO FAR, BUT WHAT DO I WRAP IT IN BEFORE I
16:17BLUDGEN IT TO DEATH?
16:21NEXT UP, ACCORDING TO A FINDING IN THE JOURNAL OF EXPERIMENTAL
16:25BIOLOGY, WOODPECKERS GRUNT LIKE TENNIS PLAYERS WHEN THEY PECK.
16:30AND I'M BEING TOLD THAT WE HAVE NEW FOOTAGE DEMONSTRATING THE PHENOMENON.
16:42WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH PAUL SIMON.
16:46THANK YOU.
16:50IT'S A WAY THAT I MIGHT TEACH YOU I'M MY HEART THAT I MIND REACH YOU
17:01HEY!
17:04FANTASTIC.
17:05TEN OUT OF 10, POPS.
17:08WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY!
17:10Ladies and gentlemen, my first guest tonight is Paul Simon.
17:47It's good to see you again.
17:49It's great to be here.
17:50Yeah.
17:51You, uh, you're about to go on tour again.
17:55Yeah.
17:56I'm leaving Monday, and the first show we play is in Prague.
18:00We'll play in Europe.
18:01Okay.
18:02And, uh, for a couple of months, and then we come back to the United States and play in
18:07the summer here.
18:08You went over to Europe when you were first starting out, right?
18:13I moved to London when, in 1964, or really kind of, yeah, it was 64.
18:20It was after the Kennedy assassination, and I lived there for two years until the end.
18:29Is this one of those?
18:31It says, this is in Norwich, England, it says on the back of there.
18:34There you go.
18:35Um, what did you, what did that experience do for your music?
18:40You can see the girl in the middle is really into it.
18:47Palm your hand.
18:49Palm your hand.
18:51Sleepy-groupy.
18:52So what did that experience going over there to Europe do for your music?
18:56Mm-hmm.
18:57Oh, it had a tremendous effect on my music because, uh, that, uh, that culture, uh, the English,
19:09you know, the, what do we call it, Celtic, uh, you know what I mean?
19:16Yeah.
19:17I loved that music, fell in love with that music.
19:20I mean, of course, of here, here, I would have heard it as a sound in the Everly Brothers.
19:26Yeah.
19:26But over there, you hear the, the origins of it.
19:30So I fell in love with it, and I learned a lot about guitar.
19:34I originally started out playing electric guitar, then I switched to acoustic, and I learned
19:39how to, I learned how to finger pick.
19:42I learned, I learned a lot.
19:44And I, I was playing like that, that's, that must be pretty early, pretty early, probably
19:5064.
19:51Mm-hmm.
19:51But I played these, uh, folk lovers, which were really just rooms above a pub.
19:56Mm-hmm.
19:56Sometimes they had a mic, sometimes they didn't have a mic, you know, it would be about, between,
20:03maybe 50 and 75 people, and I learned how to, how to be an act, you know, how to put
20:10together
20:10a set and talk.
20:12Show them a little patter, stuff like that?
20:14Yeah, that's right.
20:15Did you ever bust on the streets?
20:16I bust in Europe a little bit when I was young.
20:17You did?
20:18Yeah, yeah, yeah.
20:19Terrible mime.
20:20Terrible mime.
20:21Terrible mime.
20:22Terrible mime.
20:22But did you do that?
20:23It's tough.
20:23Yeah, I did.
20:24In Paris, I did.
20:27What we would do is find a storefront that had, you know, an entrance, a pretty big entrance
20:34way, not, not the door right on the street.
20:38And so you'd stand in the front of that and there'd be a little bit of echo coming from
20:42there.
20:43Oh, it'd be like a little amplifier behind.
20:45And then the trick was you start to play and a group of people, they make a semicircle
20:56around you.
20:57Then a second group comes and then a third group comes.
21:01And when the third group comes, then your partner, who's a pretty girl, comes with a hat to the
21:07first group.
21:09They can't get out.
21:17Write that down, kids.
21:19Write that down.
21:20That's show business.
21:21Your tour includes some new stuff, some of the old stuff.
21:27You've started taking requests on stage with a certain incentive you're looking for.
21:32Can we show this clip right now?
21:39Can we show this clip right now?
22:03So cash makes a difference.
22:07Well, what happened?
22:09It does.
22:11I was just wondering if me and my friend Mr. Jackson here could entice you into doing something
22:26so right.
22:28Oh, I'm doing that anyway.
22:31You keep it.
22:32The show is.
22:33The show, exactly.
22:34I'm going to need to keep the cash exactly like that.
22:36Yeah.
22:37What happened was somebody was yelling out from the audience, sing, do Kodachrome, do
22:42Kodachrome.
22:43And I said, no, we're not doing that in this.
22:46We're not doing it in this set.
22:48You know, and he still kept yelling.
22:50So I said, okay, but it'll cost you.
22:55I want $20.
22:58And I'm like, nobody moves.
22:59And I said, no, seriously.
23:01I really don't.
23:02So he came and he gave me the $20.
23:05And I picked it up and I played a little bit of Kodachrome.
23:09We have to take a quick break.
23:10We'll be right back with more Paul Simon, everybody.
23:12Stick around.
23:19Hey, everybody.
23:20You know who this is.
23:26We're back with Paul Simon.
23:29When the lyrics of a song come to you, do you ever resist the lyrics?
23:35Yeah.
23:35You go like, eh, I don't know what that means.
23:40Or I don't like what that means.
23:42Yeah, more like that.
23:44I might say, like a lot of songs, a lot of my songs used to begin.
23:52And they were, they were, they were really angry in the beginning.
23:56Angry, Paul Simon?
23:57Yeah.
23:58And I'd say, okay, so.
24:00Slow down, you move too fast.
24:03Gotta make the morning last.
24:05Skipping down the goddamn cobblestones.
24:09F*** you, lamppost.
24:11Feeling groovy, my ass.
24:19Hey, you know, you're on my Mount Rushmore of American lyricists.
24:23It's you.
24:23Actually, there are five on mine.
24:24It's you.
24:24It's Sondheim.
24:25It's Dylan.
24:27It's Jackson Brown.
24:28And it's John Prime.
24:29Those are my viz.
24:30I'm just curious.
24:35Who's, like, who is a lyricist that you look to and go, oh, boy, that, that is special.
24:42That is an extraordinary turn of phrase that surprises even me, Paul Simon.
24:47Well, you mean a lyricist who consistently does that?
24:51Yeah, yeah.
24:51Well, I would start to say that in the 50s, Chuck Berry wrote things that were so good that they
24:58could have been part of the Harlem Renaissance.
25:00I mean, and he taught.
25:07He taught my whole generation.
25:10They're all influenced by Chuck Berry.
25:12Bob and the Beatles and everybody.
25:16Because he made stories in words that flowed effortlessly.
25:22And his stories were great stories.
25:27Maybelline.
25:27Johnny B. Goode is a great story, you know.
25:30Used to carry his guitar in a gunny sack.
25:33I think, what is a gunny sack?
25:35You know, what is it?
25:36I mean, his descriptions.
25:38It was a teenage wedding and the old folks wished them well.
25:41That was beautiful.
25:42Yeah.
25:43Yo-Yo Ma was here a couple months ago.
25:45And one of the things he said is he has been, as he goes on with his career, he's increasingly
25:49asking himself, what is music for?
25:51He's trying to answer that question for himself with his performances.
25:55I'm just curious, what do you believe that music is for?
26:00Well, I'm not sure.
26:03I mean, it's interesting that that was a question that he thought about.
26:08You know, it's so much a part of the species.
26:14It's the first, it's always been there.
26:20And it's a mystery why it can produce these emotions in people.
26:28You know, sorrow and war or John Philip Sousa, you know.
26:37He writes this music that are marches.
26:39And you have to get up and march.
26:59That's pretty amazing.
27:00You're right.
27:00That's pretty great.
27:01Yeah.
27:01It's like magic.
27:03You could say.
27:04I just did.
27:05If there's magic.
27:07Don't give me permission to say things, Paul Simon.
27:10It's my show.
27:11Of course.
27:11Yes.
27:12Of course.
27:13You got some nerves with you out there.
27:15Yeah.
27:16Yeah.
27:18What?
27:19What, huh?
27:21I just don't want to let you go.
27:23They turned off the cameras a long time ago.
27:29Paul, thank you for being here.
27:32And Paul will be performing in just a moment.
27:35Tickets for this summer's A Quiet Celebration Tour are available now.
27:40Stick around.
27:41He's going to perform.
27:42We'll be right back with Rami Youssef.
27:57Hey, everybody.
28:01Welcome back.
28:02My next guest is a Golden Globe and Peabody Award-winning actor, writer, and stand-up comedian.
28:07You know from Rami and Poor Things, his new stand-up special is Rami Youssef in Love.
28:14I got this call.
28:16Again, I can only talk to my wife about this.
28:18I got this call from Stephen Colbert.
28:21Yeah.
28:22And, no, but he goes, Rami, I would like to invite you to a closed-door meeting at the Vatican.
28:31With the Pope.
28:34Yeah, and this was like the Pope-Pope.
28:36I mean, not the Chicago Pope.
28:39No offense to you guys.
28:41I just think, okay, I think he's a great guy.
28:44I just have this belief that Popes should not know English.
28:48I don't know.
28:50Shouldn't the Pope just be so, you know the Pope?
28:53Just there's a vibe.
28:54It's just like, .
28:57You know, like, that kind of Italian.
28:59It's so Italian, it sounds Japanese.
29:07This new one, you go, Pope Bob plays words with friends with his brother every day.
29:12Okay, the Pope has an Apple ID?
29:16Please welcome back to The Late Show, Rami Youssef.
29:39First of all, and we can cut this out if you don't want me to talk about it, you smell
29:42really good.
29:44What is your, what are we wearing?
29:45What is very manly, but very fresh?
29:47What do you, what do you wear?
29:48Uh, it's the kind of thing it's, you know, I wouldn't really tell you.
29:51Cause I don't want.
29:52Cause you're not sponsored.
29:54Well, yeah.
29:54You're not sponsored and nobody gets a free ride.
29:56It's a tough thing and then you'll start wearing it and it'll be a whole thing.
29:58Exactly.
29:59I'll steal your career.
30:02We just saw that clip.
30:03Uh, so people know you and I met Pope Francis together.
30:06Yeah.
30:06What was that day like for you?
30:09I actually haven't had that much chance to talk to many people.
30:11There were like 16 of us from the United States who went.
30:14And we haven't had, I haven't talked to that many people about it since.
30:17It was incredible.
30:18I mean, it was such a spiritual place.
30:20I had some doubts about going.
30:22Sure.
30:23I was, cause it was such an incredible invitation.
30:25And I also had this, I was like, okay, is Steven trying to get me in the Illuminati?
30:28Like, I don't know.
30:30I'm trying to get me in the Illuminati.
30:32Well, I, which I quickly figured out.
30:34Like we pulled up and I said, oh, he's not in.
30:37No.
30:37Uh, that was clear.
30:39Cause we came in through the servants entrance.
30:41It was not a good entrance.
30:42We came in through the back door basically.
30:43It was really beautiful.
30:44It was actually such a beautiful, gorgeous thing, which, and that's how I, I, I knew
30:49I wanted to go cause it was such a holy place.
30:50And my dad really made it clear that I had to go.
30:53Why?
30:54Well, I called my dad.
30:55I was like, do you think I should go to the Vatican?
30:56He goes, Rami, this is incredible.
30:58You're, you're a Muslim.
30:59You get to go meet a really holy man.
31:02We believe in anyone who believes in pure love.
31:04Go meet the Pope.
31:05It's your job to meet him, love him and convert him.
31:09And that is the, how did, that drum came so quick.
31:19We didn't, you didn't know I was going to say that.
31:21It was very good.
31:21It was very good.
31:23Yeah.
31:23Very good drum.
31:24Yeah.
31:25Yeah.
31:26Yeah.
31:26But it was incredible.
31:27We had a wonderful group of people with us too.
31:29Oh, it was amazing.
31:30Who did you, who did you hang with mostly?
31:32I think it was really me and Conan.
31:33We got, we got.
31:34He was.
31:35Yeah.
31:35Is that, I got this given right before we started.
31:37Yeah.
31:37Is this what you're talking about?
31:39Yeah.
31:39There you go.
31:40There's the two of you together.
31:46We had, we had a lot.
31:48It was like, it was hard to like not know where our group was because we had him and
31:52Steven Merchant who could dunk on Conan.
31:55He's so tall.
31:56And then it was just, it was crazy.
31:58We were in the sun for three minutes.
31:59He got completely sunburned.
32:01Like he didn't, he didn't look like that on the way.
32:05And then we were just out there.
32:06It was.
32:06Had you been to Rome before?
32:08No, it was my first time.
32:09Oh, eternal city.
32:10What'd you think?
32:11It was incredible.
32:12I mean, first off to go first time, Vatican, courtside, Pope, incredible.
32:16Yes.
32:17Apostolic palace.
32:18No, no, just unbelievable.
32:19Yeah.
32:20And then there was this, oh man.
32:21So there was this guy, this guy who does these tours in Rome, who's incredible.
32:25His name's Amir.
32:25He's this Iranian guy with an Italian accent.
32:27And he takes you in a golf cart all around Rome.
32:31They let him do that?
32:32I think he's the only guy because he's Scorsese's guy.
32:36So he just goes, this is where Scorsese eats.
32:38And he just shows you.
32:39How'd you find him?
32:40Scorsese.
32:44Okay, how'd you find Scorsese?
32:47I can't call up Scorsese.
32:49Can you just call up Scorsese?
32:50Yeah, well, you gotta have the same cologne guy as him, and then you can kind of.
32:55And that's what I was telling.
32:57I knew you smelled like somebody.
32:59Yeah, that was a little slow on that one.
33:01Yeah, yeah, yeah.
33:03You played Zoran Mamdani a couple months ago back on SNL.
33:07Yeah.
33:07Nice job.
33:08What's the trick?
33:10What's the trick?
33:11What's your hook, I would rather say?
33:13What's your hook for a good Mamdani?
33:15I would just watch him smile no matter what he was saying.
33:21You know, no matter what was going on, like, it was just everything.
33:24It could be the most serious thing, and he'd have a smile and then be incredibly serious.
33:28And I thought that was kind of the way in.
33:29It was very fun.
33:29Wow.
33:30Yeah.
33:30Even things that shouldn't make you smile, he smiles when he says them.
33:34Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
33:35He'll just, he'll just, like, ice, he'll be like, you're not allowed in the city.
33:41And it's just, like, big, like, waving smiles.
33:45Do you know if he saw it?
33:46Yeah, he saw it.
33:47He saw it, and he actually, like, we had a, he called me when I was still dressed as him,
33:51and he was really creeped out by it.
33:53How'd he get your number?
33:54Did he, did he call Scorsese?
33:57You often talk about faith in your comedy.
34:00Yeah.
34:00Why, I've got my own reasons why I enjoy doing that, when the opportunity arises.
34:05Yeah.
34:05Why you?
34:06I, because it means so much, you know?
34:09And I think we're inherently imperfect, and it's nice to laugh at ourselves.
34:12So I'm never making fun of the thing.
34:14It's always just, and I feel like you're the same way.
34:16You have such reverence.
34:17I mean, that's what was beautiful about going to the Pope with you.
34:19Which, also, I have to say, was super surreal.
34:21Because I did my first stand-up appearance ever, ever, on this show in 2017.
34:26And it was incredible.
34:29I remember.
34:29That, that, that felt like a spiritual moment, to go from that, and then, less than ten years
34:36later, to be at the Pope with you?
34:38I was like, wow, I believe in God.
34:41But I couldn't look you into the eye.
34:43Like, if we looked in the eyes, I feel like you could have made me Christian.
34:45So I looked away.
34:49I'm coming for you.
34:50I know.
34:52Rami, so great to see you.
34:53Thanks, man.
34:53Thanks for being here.
34:54Rami Youssef, In Love, debuts April 17th on HBO and HBO Max.
35:01We'll be right back with a performance by Paul Simon.
35:07And now performing Something So Right, ladies and gentlemen, Paul Simon.
35:50You've got the cool water in the world.
35:54When the fever runs high
36:03You've got the look of love
36:06Lying in your eyes
36:08And I was in crazy motion
36:12Till you calmed me down
36:19It took a little time
36:21But you calmed me down
36:27When something goes wrong
36:30I'm the first to admit it
36:34The first to admit it
36:38The last one to know
36:42Something goes right
36:44And it's likely to lose me
36:48It's apt to confuse me
36:51It's such an unusual sight
36:54Oh, I can't
36:55I can't get used to something so right
36:59Something so right
37:16They've got a wall in China
37:20It's a thousand miles long
37:29To keep out the foreigners
37:32They made it strong
37:34And I've got a wall around me
37:39That you can't even see
37:46It took a little time
37:48It took a little time
37:49To get next to me
37:55Something goes wrong
37:57And I'm the first to admit it
38:01And I'm the first to admit it
38:02The first to admit it
38:05And the last one to know
38:09Something goes right
38:11And it's likely to lose me
38:16It's apt to confuse me
38:19It's such an unusual sight
38:21Oh, I swear
38:22I can't get used to something so right
38:31Something so right
38:35Some people never say
38:38The words I love you
38:41It's not that style
38:45Ought to be so bold
38:49Some people never say
38:52The words I love you
38:55But like a child
38:58They're longing to be told
39:06Something goes wrong
39:11I'm the first to admit it
39:14The first to admit it
39:18The last one to know
39:22Something goes right
39:24And it's likely to lose me
39:29It's apt to confuse me
39:31It's such an unusual sight
39:35I swear I can't
39:37I can't get used to something so right
39:43Oh, something so right
40:07Something so right
40:22You can catch him on tour this summer
40:24Mr. Paul Simon, everybody
40:26Good night
Comments