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00:05Hello, I'm comedy legend Daryl O'Brien, and you're watching a very special edition of Back From The Dead TV
00:11phenomenon, Mock The Week.
00:13Our return has been literally all anyone has been talking about so far in 2026, so sit back and enjoy
00:18some of our finest moments, as well as some of his new material.
00:22That f***ed that up, didn't I?
00:24Ah!
00:30Wow!
00:32Oh!
00:34Oh!
00:34Oh!
00:35Oh!
00:37Read about the things that happen throughout the world Don't believe in everything you see or hear Read all about
00:50it Read all about it Use of the world, use of the world Read all about it
01:00Read all about it Read all about it Use of the world, use of the world
01:08Hello, I'm comedy legend Daryl O'Brien, and you're watching a very special edition of Back From The Dead TV
01:13phenomenon, Mock The Week.
01:15Our return has literally been all anyone has been talking about in 2026, so sit back and enjoy some of
01:20our finest moments, as well as some new material and some outtakes.
01:24We'll be back with series two in the autumn, see you then.
01:28The people who've just arrived, you are sat next to my mum and dad, so if you could not openly
01:35slag me off during the recording, it would really help me quite a lot.
01:40Hi guys!
01:41Were you talking to your mum and dad then?
01:43Yeah!
01:45We start now with a round call, if this is the answer, what is the question? On the board are
01:49six categories. Russell, which category would you like?
01:52Um, world news please Dara.
01:54OK, the topic is world news, the answer is 700 billion, what is the question?
01:59Is it how many careers has Brooklyn Beckham tried?
02:05Is it how much are TLC paying Dara to do this?
02:11It's how much Dara asked for from TLC for settling on £50 a week and a chance to meet the
02:17cast of Milf Manor.
02:26Is it how much would you have to pay me to watch my parents make love?
02:31But there is a number.
02:34So now we can negotiate.
02:37Can I just say, given the context, I'm so glad our hair didn't do that joke.
02:44Is it what do our ratings have to be before someone at the BBC admits they made a mistake?
02:54Is it how many times have I forgotten to finish the do you have ADHD test?
03:02Is it how many messages have there been in the female comedian's WhatsApp group since the David Walliam stuff came
03:07out?
03:09Is it how far down the channel list is TLC?
03:17We salute you, those of you who set off an hour ago, no, no, no.
03:24Is it the age of consent for a galaxy?
03:29Is it according to HMRC how much money is just too difficult to tax?
03:39No, that wasn't, that wasn't. I thought it was very satirical.
03:43People are like, wow, that's a relatable context.
03:45No, no.
03:48None of those are the correct answer. Can somebody give me the correct answer?
03:51If this is the first episode of Mock the Week on TLC, what episode is it on Dave?
03:56No.
03:58Does any of the correct answer?
04:00Is it how much would Greenland actually cost the USA were they to buy it?
04:05Thank you very much, Hugh.
04:07LAUGHTER
04:12It's the chair. It's just the chair.
04:14Total force of having their hats there.
04:17Before we go on to that, can we just say, look, generally, hello.
04:20It's lovely to be back. I hope you're well.
04:23And it's a delight to be here.
04:24Thank you very much for coming in, joining us here at the end.
04:26APPLAUSE
04:31Oh, that was it, that was the whole welcome back thing.
04:33OK, I can do more welcome back if you want.
04:34I just wanted to say I feel a bit bad for the viewers,
04:37because when they brought back Gladiators, they had fit, young, sexy, new ones.
04:41They didn't bring out the old ones again.
04:45LAUGHTER
04:48They'd be like, oh, who's on Mock the Week?
04:49I was just saying, oh, God!
04:53OK, here we go. The first subject is...
04:56Unlikely lines from a blockbuster movie.
04:58Every time I think I'm out, they pull me back in.
05:02Sundays, 9 o'clock on TLC.
05:05LAUGHTER
05:08Why must we take it and drop it into the fires of Mount Doom?
05:12Because you took more than two seconds to answer the door,
05:14and that's our policy here at DPD.
05:17LAUGHTER
05:17LAUGHTER
05:20Simba.
05:21I have brought you a sandwich.
05:24Tuna, tomato.
05:27LAUGHTER
05:33I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy,
05:36asking him to notice that my hair is a completely different
05:40colour today.
05:43We're sending you to the Caribbean, Bond.
05:45We need you to befriend a nonce.
05:48LAUGHTER
05:53Finally, we meet, Bond.
05:55I just need to finish my interpretive dance,
05:57and I'll be back with you.
05:59LAUGHTER
05:59LAUGHTER
06:05If you only watch one movie this year, watch F1.
06:09The gripping story of a function key on a computer keyboard.
06:13LAUGHTER
06:16The next round is called audience question time.
06:20We throw those open to the studio audience and invite them to ask us questions on any topic.
06:24Is there an Ed here?
06:26There's Ed there, absolutely in that row there.
06:28Do you have a question for us?
06:30No.
06:32If you want, Ed, I can give you more of a build-up to it.
06:35On the count of three, Ed.
06:36Three, two, one.
06:39Dara, do you think you have any celebrity look-alikes?
06:42Oh, do I?
06:43Or is there anyone else?
06:44Do you have any celebrity look-alikes?
06:46Anyone who's 50 and bald, and I'm trying to...
06:48I mean, like, the Mitchell brothers.
06:51The one thing I'm not short of is look-alikes.
06:53No-one else trades on look-alikes in the same way that I do.
06:55No, Minions guy.
06:56The Minions guy.
06:58Don't make a boss guy.
06:59Don't make a boss guy.
07:01I've got a celebrity look-alike, but, like, obviously, I appreciate that,
07:04like, I can say it.
07:06Do you know what I mean?
07:07If you said it, it would be weird.
07:09But I can say Idris Elba.
07:14You're right.
07:15It would be...
07:17I wouldn't like to come across as racist by denying that.
07:22I don't get many celebrity look-alikes, but I did get someone on Twitter
07:24who once told me I look like Ron Weasley's mum after a couple of bad divorces.
07:29LAUGHTER
07:31It has been said that I look like a cross between Gerard Depardieu
07:35and Orinoco the Wombat.
07:37LAUGHTER
07:39What about the time you were mistaken for Al Murray?
07:42Oh, that's the best!
07:43A man...
07:44A man would be genuinely, cos Al Murray lives not far from me,
07:46and I was walking along the street and a man walked and said,
07:48Hello, Al Murray.
07:50And I said, I'm not Al Murray.
07:52And he went, oh, sorry, hello, Poblando.
07:56LAUGHTER
07:59APPLAUSE
08:00The next round is called Between the Lines,
08:03it features Hugh and Rhys.
08:04Would you make your way to the press pit, please?
08:06Rhys will deliver a speech in the guise of a leading figure in the world stage,
08:09while Hugh will translate what it really means.
08:11This week, Rhys is Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor.
08:15LAUGHTER
08:17Are you f***ing kidding me?
08:19You told me I was going to be Cristiano Ronaldo.
08:22LAUGHTER
08:24Hello, it's me,
08:26Mr Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor.
08:30LAUGHTER
08:34What happened?
08:36LAUGHTER
08:38I am currently facing some personal challenges.
08:41And that is putting it f***ing mildly.
08:44LAUGHTER
08:45Things are starting to get serious for me.
08:48I've suddenly realised I do sweat.
08:50LAUGHTER
08:52I realise now, I should have kept better company.
08:55Marrying Fergie was a terrible idea.
08:58LAUGHTER
08:59I'm getting a lot of criticism, but remember all the good things I've done.
09:05LAUGHTER
09:14When I was a royal, I used to work like a dog.
09:17I spent my time on all fours, panting a lot.
09:21LAUGHTER
09:22It's been incredibly exhausting, moving house.
09:25You would not believe how hard it is to bubble wrap a horse.
09:30LAUGHTER
09:32LAUGHTER
09:36If you accuse me, I will defend myself robustly.
09:39I will give you £12 million to shut the f*** up.
09:43LAUGHTER
09:44These claims about me and Epstein are ancient history.
09:47Some of them are over 17 years old.
09:51LAUGHTER
10:03Thank you very much, Rhys and you.
10:06APPLAUSE
10:08It's Operation Epic Fury.
10:11Yeah, Epic Fury, isn't it?
10:12So American, is it?
10:13Might as well call it Operation Kaboom.
10:15LAUGHTER
10:16What they should be calling it is Operation Distract Everyone from the Epstein files for a bit.
10:21LAUGHTER
10:21Oh, shit, I've started a rally.
10:25You think it was good calling it Operation Epic Fury when Operation Muller Cornered was right there?
10:31LAUGHTER
10:35It's not the most FIFA Peace Prize thing he's done.
10:39LAUGHTER
10:40I will say that while that's maybe not the most important thing in some ways, it is quite the most
10:45striking thing that he's the first person to ever host a World Cup and bomb one of the participants in
10:50the building.
10:51LAUGHTER
10:52There are a lot of clever people out there. I mean, you remember Saddam Hussein, he had a degree in
10:56chemistry and combined in humanities.
10:59LAUGHTER
11:01LAUGHTER
11:02Where is the...
11:04This is the...
11:05I just...
11:06I love that you just move on.
11:09LAUGHTER
11:10A bit of a Dignify Milton response, you just turn away.
11:15I think the timing of it is it gives it its time and then we move on.
11:19That's absolutely what we should do.
11:20This is the Situation Room from which this was launched.
11:23Where is this top-secret, secure room?
11:26Is it at a wedding venue?
11:27It looks like they've just torn it off a bit of a wedding venue.
11:29It's very much at a wedding venue.
11:31It's got all the security of a mum holding a towel in front of you at the beach.
11:34LAUGHTER
11:37What's happening? Are they saying, please stop talking about the war?
11:39Yeah, sort of.
11:41LAUGHTER
11:42Can I remind you that you asked us?
11:45Moving on. What have shop-difters in the UK been targeting?
11:48Chocolate bars.
11:49Yes, chocolate bars.
11:50Apparently there was one man who was found with a coat full, stuffed full with Cadbury's cream eggs and, reader,
11:58I married him.
12:01Yeah, chocolate bars have become the thing to steal now.
12:03There are lots of high-value chocolates out there.
12:06Freddo's a 45p now.
12:08Fuck off!
12:08Yeah, that's the real chocolate crime.
12:1145p for Freddo.
12:12I can't believe people are stealing chocolate.
12:14Maybe they should put a bounty on their head.
12:17Yay!
12:23I can't believe you...
12:25You can edit that out of your mouth.
12:27I can't believe you didn't believe in that, which is clearly the best joke of the entire show.
12:32I did read the story about the guy who was caught with a coat full of cream eggs and all
12:37I could think is, obviously I don't condone violence, but imagine if they'd shot him.
12:45Oh!
12:46Oh, no!
12:46Oh!
12:47Oh!
12:47It's white!
12:47It's white and yellow!
12:48White and yellow!
12:49Oh!
12:50This guy appears to have cum everywhere.
12:53LAUGHTER
12:57Like in a movie going, you made me cum my own cum.
13:01LAUGHTER
13:02My cum!
13:03I'm washing my hands and I'm washing my hands, but the fondant won't come off.
13:08LAUGHTER
13:10Is that better?
13:11Is that more what they wanted?
13:12Yeah.
13:13Yeah.
13:14We can go back to the movie.
13:15Yeah, these are choices.
13:16Insensitivity about the war or cum jokes about cream eggs.
13:19LAUGHTER
13:20We only have two tones here.
13:24Supermarkets are too accusatory anyway, man.
13:26Whenever you're at the self-checkout, it says, have you swiped your nectar card?
13:29It's like, no, I signed up for it fair and square.
13:31What are you talking about?
13:32They said that they're being stolen to order, right?
13:35And I just think, well, surely everything's stolen because someone wants it.
13:40Yeah.
13:40Who's going, that looks shit, I'll have it.
13:43LAUGHTER
13:44TLC.
13:45LAUGHTER
13:51Join us after the rake for more Mock the Week.
13:55APPLAUSE
14:01Now we play a round called You Think That's Bad.
14:04In a world where everything seems to be going wrong, this is a chance for our performers to compete, to
14:09outdo each other with tales of woe from their lives and I decide whose is the worst.
14:12Anyone care to start us off?
14:14A few months ago, me and my wife found what is clearly a lady's watch in our house and neither
14:21of us has any idea who owns it.
14:24And we have phoned people, we've asked everybody, the babysitter, the babysitter's daughter, we cannot figure out who owns this
14:32watch.
14:32And my wife is not even vaguely suspicious.
14:38LAUGHTER
14:44I love the idea that she could find some, like, ladies' underwear and her first thought would be, have you
14:48started wearing ladies' underwear?
14:49LAUGHTER
14:51Oh, no, the ghost is back that keeps shedding stuff.
14:55The Victorian lady ghost who keeps leaving underwear and used condoms around that house.
15:01Oh, we have to get a priest in to bless that.
15:04You have to get rid of the weird lady ghost.
15:06You think that's bad?
15:07I just bought an island for what I thought was an absolutely bargain price till I found out I used
15:12to own it.
15:13LAUGHTER
15:14If you think that's bad, I once got cast to play a sex worker in a movie
15:18and I got paid less than an actual sex worker.
15:21LAUGHTER
15:22I did it.
15:23If you think that's bad, I grew up in the north-east of England
15:26and I once heard someone call into a talk radio show
15:28and start their comment with,
15:30I am racist, but...
15:33LAUGHTER
15:35If you think that's bad, I had a C-section at a teaching hospital
15:38and if you don't know, when you have a C-section, you're awake,
15:40so I heard everything.
15:41And at one point, I heard the senior doctor say to the junior doctor,
15:45hmm, now what I would have done differently there.
15:49LAUGHTER
15:50You think that's bad?
15:51When I had my baby afterwards, I heard the doctor say,
15:54where does that bit go?
15:56LAUGHTER
16:00Just...they're just fucking with you!
16:02Actually, and when I had another baby, I heard them say...
16:06I had a cesarean afterwards, they were sewing me up and they went,
16:08you know, time to clean the gutters now.
16:10LAUGHTER
16:12Look at the gutters!
16:14At least they're clean, I guess, huh?
16:15Yeah.
16:16I think that's bad.
16:20Um...
16:21LAUGHTER
16:23Tell us, Ed! Tell us!
16:25It's like, raise the bar from that, Ed!
16:28LAUGHTER
16:28Now, um, we've actually got a French exchange student in our house
16:32at the moment, and I've not met him.
16:35Because I, er, I never got round to getting a criminal background check,
16:39right?
16:39And, which is fine, except that my wife said to me,
16:42in front of a neighbour, without context,
16:45don't forget the French exchange student's arriving tomorrow,
16:47you're not allowed to be alone with them.
16:50LAUGHTER
16:55Sorry.
16:56So your wife doesn't suspect you have an affair with an adult woman?
16:59No.
16:59LAUGHTER
17:00She is worried about a French teenager.
17:04Our next round is the Quick Quiz.
17:06I'll ask the panellists a series of quick-fire questions
17:08about someone or something from the news.
17:10This week, to commemorate Prime Minister Keir Starmer's
17:12historic visit to the country,
17:13let's see how much you all know about China.
17:15Mm. OK?
17:17Our first question is,
17:18China owns all the what in the world?
17:22Is it Covid?
17:24LAUGHTER
17:25Is it phone charges that catch fire while you sleep?
17:29LAUGHTER
17:30It is not that, no.
17:31It is a genuine thing.
17:33Is it like the royal family owning swans?
17:35Like, they own all the pandas?
17:36They own all the pandas.
17:37You're absolutely right.
17:38Yeah, yeah, yeah.
17:38It's all there in black and white.
17:41LAUGHTER
17:42Oh, that's lovely.
17:44As a vegan, I don't think you can actually own animals,
17:47and I will not panter to them.
17:50LAUGHTER
17:54How did Wenzu in China attempt to boost visitor numbers?
17:58Oh, teaching the pandas to give handjobs.
18:00No.
18:02LAUGHTER
18:03Letting the punters give handjobs to the pandas.
18:05Nothing involving...
18:07Tell me it involved pandas and handjobs.
18:09It did involve pandjobs.
18:11LAUGHTER
18:13As for those of us who were too busy
18:15to put us all to say all the words in the sentence.
18:17Er...
18:18No Cage Fridays?
18:20LAUGHTER
18:21You know what?
18:22The...
18:22Instead, they dyed dogs, black and white,
18:26to look like pandas.
18:28Oh, wow!
18:29LAUGHTER
18:30My thing is, who would be fooled by that?
18:32Which parents would take their children and go,
18:34no, they're pandas?
18:35That's clearly not pandas.
18:36Surely it's game over when they start barking.
18:39LAUGHTER
18:41We shouldn't slag this off.
18:42At London Zoo, our meerkats are just rats in trench coats.
18:45LAUGHTER
18:47Did you know that all the meerkats in the world
18:49are actually owned by an insurance company?
18:51LAUGHTER
18:53OK, what holds parts of the Great Wall of China together?
18:55Sticky rice!
18:56Yes!
18:58Yes!
18:59No, you both...
19:00No, that was a joke!
19:02What?
19:02No, no, it's true!
19:03It's sticky rice!
19:04Yeah, yeah, yeah, it is, yeah.
19:05Shut up!
19:07No, no, no.
19:08Sticky rice is the nickname of the guy who meant the worst.
19:12That was meant...
19:13No, it's genuinely...
19:14It's genuinely sticky rice.
19:16Wait, and you two were both guessing?
19:17Yeah!
19:18That's the most racist guess I've ever heard of.
19:19LAUGHTER
19:21It only takes 45 minutes to be sharing the one studio
19:24before women's punchlines start to...
19:28LAUGHTER
19:30APPLAUSE
19:33Andrew Merriman-Patten-Windsor has consistently denied any wrongdoing.
19:37LAUGHTER
19:37Yeah, he would though, wouldn't he?
19:40LAUGHTER
19:42Yes, for possibly revealing details when he was a trade envoy.
19:46A job that I remember I was talking about years ago in this show
19:48in a kind of a, oh, is he a trade envoy now, is he?
19:52Whereas now we have to go, he was a trade envoy.
19:55LAUGHTER
19:56To be fair to him, if you look at this picture,
19:59this was obviously a very stressful day and he's not sweating,
20:01so maybe he was telling the truth.
20:05Everybody's praising this photographer for getting this nap
20:07that nobody else could get.
20:08The first thing you learn how to do with editing software
20:11is red-eye reduction.
20:13LAUGHTER
20:14And I go, I couldn't even manage that.
20:16LAUGHTER
20:17This picture as well, the guard was actually saying
20:21that there was a problem with the button trying to let them out.
20:24Yeah.
20:24That's why they were stuck there for so long.
20:26And I think, what a lie.
20:27He just said it going, no, I am pressing it.
20:29LAUGHTER
20:29Did you get a picture here?
20:31No, I'm pressing it.
20:32Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
20:34No, it's over here.
20:35You want it?
20:36It's one of these.
20:37Oops.
20:37LAUGHTER
20:40I can't think you've got real buttons.
20:42We just have to mine buttons.
20:44Oh, no, no.
20:45No, I genuinely can at any time.
20:46I can do it.
20:47I don't have to do it just a bit when you're over there.
20:49I can do it at any time.
20:50Wow.
20:52But I choose not to.
20:53That's real power.
20:54That's real power.
20:55Yeah, maturity.
20:57To be fair with this photo, there aren't many of us
20:59to get to see what we'd look like in an open casket, do we?
21:03LAUGHTER
21:06No, cos it was early in the morning, wasn't it,
21:08that they arrived?
21:09And, like, they're saying that, like,
21:10oh, he could have been in bed,
21:11and I can't not imagine him in bed with the police
21:14at the foot of his bed and him just thinking,
21:16one of these is Michael McIntyre.
21:19LAUGHTER
21:21Yeah, all of it's very circumstantial,
21:23cos they don't actually know.
21:25They say that he could have been in bed,
21:27he could have been having breakfast,
21:28but all of it sounds really creepy.
21:31Like, he could have been eating an egg,
21:33and I'm like, urgh!
21:36It is bound to have an impact on his mental health,
21:39isn't it?
21:39Cos, you know what they say about the Duke of York,
21:41you know, when he was up, he was up.
21:44LAUGHTER
21:45When he's down.
21:46I mean, Walt also was notable about the timing of the arrest.
21:49He turned 66 that day.
21:51It was interesting.
21:52Do you reckon when he got arrested and they said date of birth
21:54and he said it, they were like,
21:55that's today, a happy birthday!
21:58LAUGHTER
21:59Well, what's the main thing that you want on your birthday,
22:01that the whole day is about you?
22:03And that couldn't have happened in a more extreme way.
22:07Everyone's talking about you today.
22:09Congratulations.
22:09I think it's quite sweet.
22:10Apparently, when they knocked down the door, they went,
22:12have you got anything to say in your defence?
22:15LAUGHTER
22:16I'm just waiting for this to come out
22:18on 24 Hours in Police Custody.
22:20That's what I'm watching.
22:22It's going to be the best episode ever.
22:24That's going to be the greatest episode ever.
22:24Because he will do it because he'll think,
22:26oh, wait for me to get my side of the story out.
22:30Oh, we've got to cry for one more.
22:32Where's Emily?
22:32Hey. Hi.
22:33Hey, how are you?
22:34I'm all right, how are you?
22:35I'm good, where you come from, Emily?
22:36Er, Leeds.
22:37From Leeds, thank you very much.
22:38I was actually meant to be seeing QI tonight,
22:40but my ticket got cancelled, so...
22:46Let's give you some boring facts, then.
22:51The largest type of whale.
22:54So, you've got this.
22:56Emily, do you have a question?
22:57Er, yeah.
22:57I'm wondering if you've got any travel tips?
22:59Based on what you said about QI,
23:01fuck off back to Leeds.
23:03LAUGHTER
23:07Who has Starmer reportedly been advised to sack?
23:09It is West Street.
23:10It is West Streeting, yes.
23:11Who, I think, is doing that sort of tactic of,
23:14you do that thing where you behave like you've already got
23:17the job that you want and hope people don't notice.
23:20But, at the end of that round, the points go to Sarah,
23:21Reece and Amanda.
23:22LAUGHTER
23:24People started clapping, that's how good you were.
23:27I love you.
23:28Then press the buzzer, I dare you.
23:30Yeah!
23:31Oh!
23:32Oh, ho, ho!
23:35Oh, hello.
23:36I feel like I've just touched a US police officer's gun.
23:42Our next round is called...
23:44Oh, sorry, shit, it was points, wasn't it?
23:45Fuck...
23:45Fucked it, didn't I?
23:46Fucked it!
23:47Fucked it!
23:48You can have the job.
23:50LAUGHTER
23:51Join us after the break for more Mock The Week.
24:01Our next round is Connections.
24:04I show the panel pictures of two well-known figures
24:07and ask them to tell me how they might be connected.
24:09So, what connects me to international spy James Bond?
24:14Is it that your full name is Dara Double O'Brien?
24:19LAUGHTER
24:20It's a tragedy, really, cos 007 is your sperm count, isn't it?
24:25LAUGHTER
24:27It's starting to be fine now.
24:28How's it's full?
24:29Thank you very much.
24:31Is it that everyone thought in the reboot
24:33they'd both be played by a woman?
24:37LAUGHTER
24:38Out of my cold, dead hands.
24:41LAUGHTER
24:41Is it sex addiction?
24:44LAUGHTER
24:47LAUGHTER
24:52Kill him.
24:54He's got Bond girls.
24:56Have you got O'Brien girls?
24:58O'Brien girls doesn't sound as glamorous, I've got to say.
25:01The O'Brien girls just sounds like, you know, sort of, your sisters.
25:05LAUGHTER
25:05Oh, the O'Brien girls have been off to trouble.
25:06They've been tipping the cows again out there.
25:09LAUGHTER
25:09O'Brien girls, it sounds like some girls who went missing,
25:12sort of, 40 years ago.
25:13Oh, no!
25:14No-one heard from the O'Brien girls again.
25:17The town is still haunted by the memory of the O'Brien girls.
25:20Is it that you've both got the licence to kill the vibe?
25:24LAUGHTER
25:25Is it that you've both got the licence to kill my career?
25:28LAUGHTER
25:29Is it that you've both had characters based on you
25:32in the Austin Powers films?
25:34LAUGHTER
25:36LAUGHTER
25:40Is it...
25:40Don't even finish that, don't even extend that.
25:43Sean, I've enjoyed your last ever appearance on...
25:45LAUGHTER
25:46Is it that you've got the licence to kill Sean's career?
25:50Been doing the same job for decades, don't look any older.
25:54You're welcome.
25:55That's the nicest of all of them.
25:57Both just really attractive, charismatic people
26:00I have a lot of respect for.
26:02LAUGHTER
26:04Both of you think you're the main guy,
26:06but it's sort of the teams around you that make it good.
26:08LAUGHTER
26:10Is it both of them, despite what people may think,
26:13have actually been played by Irish people?
26:15Ooh.
26:16OK, well, I'm played by Irish...
26:18LAUGHTER
26:19LAUGHTER
26:19This is not a...
26:20It's not a persona I have that I've got.
26:23He's really Irish.
26:24Yeah.
26:26The thing that...
26:27Dara's been good to me, I suppose.
26:29LAUGHTER
26:29Is it that you're wearing the same outfit in these pictures?
26:32I am.
26:32Although I feel I'm not wearing it as accurately as he is.
26:36I've worn tuxedos a lot over the course of my life.
26:38Did you have to pick one in which I'm like...
26:40LAUGHTER
26:43For some reason, I'm trying to give a smoldering look,
26:45and yet my child's going...
26:47LAUGHTER
26:48His picture, obviously, is James Bond,
26:50and yours would have been hosting, like,
26:52mortgage provider reviews.
26:54LAUGHTER
26:56No, it's not that. It's a dude's face.
26:58You both won't shut up about it.
27:01LAUGHTER
27:02That's an exciting fact.
27:03Have you both got, like, a moon named after you?
27:06It's not... It's very close.
27:08It's not a moon, no.
27:08A constellation.
27:09A constellation would be amazing!
27:12Fine, then, a fucking alien!
27:14LAUGHTER
27:16We both have an asteroid named after us.
27:19Oh!
27:19So we could all get flattened by the Dara O'Brien?
27:22Oh, yeah, no, if it gets bumped out of its path,
27:23it will destroy all life on Earth.
27:26You're proud of that, are you?
27:27For about six weeks, I'll get a lot of coverage!
27:30LAUGHTER
27:30Now, why do you have this?
27:31How do you get this?
27:32Why did they name after you?
27:33Are you a similar size?
27:35No!
27:37Asteroids aren't all that big.
27:38They're bigger than me.
27:40LAUGHTER
27:42Tonight on Mock the Week,
27:43our two teams will be fighting over the news,
27:45like seagulls over chips.
27:46Join us as we tear into the news.
27:48That's the news twice.
27:49Yeah.
27:49Or you could do an impression of a seagull to end it.
27:53LAUGHTER
27:57Here's my seagull.
27:58Can I quickly... It's very, very quick.
27:59So I was in Portugal,
28:01I saw an English couple eating chips
28:03and this seagull tried to take one of their chips
28:06and this bloke did the most English thing ever.
28:08He turned to the seagull and went,
28:09Oi!
28:10What have I told you?
28:11LAUGHTER
28:12His wife went, Tony, you moron,
28:13he won't understand, he's Portuguese.
28:16LAUGHTER
28:16He's like converges...
28:19LAUGHTER
28:23Where is Jack?
28:25Where's Jack?
28:25Hey, Jack, how are you?
28:26How's yourself?
28:27Where are you from, Jack?
28:28Er, Kerry, in Ireland.
28:30CHEERING
28:32Thank you for explaining to me where Kerry is.
28:34LAUGHTER
28:35I know you went.
28:36I know you went.
28:37She was horrified by the rest of them.
28:39He was explaining to everyone else,
28:40but obviously I'm going to go,
28:41oh, jeez, I haven't forgotten, you know?
28:42The good people in TLC.
28:44Jack getting a sly dig in there.
28:46Kerry, in Ireland, do you remember it?
28:47LAUGHTER
28:49Jack, thank you very much.
28:51Er, what's your question, by the way?
28:53Er, I want to know,
28:54what is your best hack for living healthy?
28:56All right, you coming to me for that?
28:58Yeah, yeah.
28:58It feels like everything Jack says is a veiled attack.
29:02Er...
29:03I go, hands so weak,
29:06you struggle to open packets of crisps.
29:09Sometimes I'll just be like,
29:11oh, I'll just have some lettuce.
29:13LAUGHTER
29:13I find opening packets harder and harder.
29:17I don't know if I'm getting old
29:19or packets are getting stronger.
29:21LAUGHTER
29:23They've run out of the, oh, the adhesive they used to use,
29:25make it stronger now.
29:26I know, is everybody...
29:27Is it just me?
29:28Does nobody else find themselves caring?
29:31What are you doing?
29:31Do it!
29:33LAUGHTER
29:34I think you're out there.
29:35It didn't look like that.
29:36It looked like you needed somebody to help you
29:38and you're willing to do anything to get them to do it.
29:41LAUGHTER
29:42Please, please open the back for it.
29:44LAUGHTER
29:45LAUGHTER
29:45My tongue is strong.
29:49LAUGHTER
29:49LAUGHTER
29:52Oh, please, strong French teenager.
29:56LAUGHTER
30:00I think it's on Sunday when we're going to watch this.
30:02We won't now.
30:04LAUGHTER
30:04That's really awkward.
30:06Your first time in the room with Jean Claude.
30:10LAUGHTER
30:10We're going to watch this Jean Claude.
30:11This is what I do professionally.
30:13Rawr!
30:15LAUGHTER
30:15LAUGHTER
30:17OK.
30:18Meanwhile, how did a julty...
30:20Tief.
30:21There's fucking Ireland slipping through.
30:23Oh, oh.
30:24How did a julty tief in Turkey make us...
30:26LAUGHTER
30:27In other news now,
30:30a big announcement has the Supreme Leader of North Korea...
30:34LAUGHTER
30:34Do you know about his daughter?
30:37I'm being haunted by the Aubrian girls.
30:39LAUGHTER
30:41I can just see your faces, you know?
30:44I go to sleep, I can just see the faces of the Aubrian girls coming down on me like,
30:47why did you do it, why did you do it, like...
30:49LAUGHTER
30:50I am available for acting work in the many Sky series I've made in Ireland.
30:53LAUGHTER
30:54Do you think that's bad?
30:55Last week, my wife and I watched all the episodes of Game of Thrones back-to-back.
31:00Unfortunately, I wasn't the one facing the screen.
31:04LAUGHTER
31:06APPLAUSE
31:08My kids used to go to a school in Portsmouth,
31:12where most of the dads were in the Navy,
31:14and I had this chat once with this guy, just like a parent's evening,
31:18and I said, what do you do?
31:19And he said, I fly helicopters and I drive warships.
31:23And he said, what do you do?
31:25And I literally went, it doesn't matter.
31:30Of course, we should say for the record,
31:31Manson doesn't remember receiving those payments.
31:35Can I say one more thing?
31:36Ben, he doesn't remember receiving...
31:37He fucking doesn't, so shut up, mate.
31:39LAUGHTER
31:41He's a good man chased at the end of the air by an angry and jealous media.
31:45How dare I... Honestly, sometimes, Peter, I think what you give to this...
31:48I'm not...
31:49LAUGHTER
31:51I found out I was old last year.
31:53That really annoyed me, if you want something that really annoys me.
31:56Yeah, go on.
31:56I was in Amsterdam with my friends from university,
31:59and there was a drug dealer ahead of us,
32:01and he was going, cocaine, cocaine, cocaine,
32:03and he pointed at me and my friends and went, Viagra.
32:07LAUGHTER
32:08I told my brother about this, and he's like, did you take it?
32:10I was like, no, we were on our way to Anne Frank's house.
32:13LAUGHTER
32:15Well, no surprise in the...
32:18Oh, fucking hell.
32:20LAUGHTER
32:21I've had so many kids since I last saw you, Rhys.
32:24Yeah.
32:24I've been breastfeeding so long, when I clear customs,
32:26I have to declare myself as dairy produce.
32:29LAUGHTER
32:31I've had so many kids.
32:34Can I just say, having you say that in my eyes was a lifelong dream.
32:39LAUGHTER
32:40It's completely what?
32:42It's completely...
32:44Oh, say, alleged, OK, fine, OK.
32:47Obviously, everything we're saying is, are mere allegations.
32:51LAUGHTER
33:00Maybe none of this happened.
33:02LAUGHTER
33:05Is he on ChatBeat...
33:07Oh, I can't speak.
33:09See, this is what our generation are.
33:12We call it ChatBeatGB.
33:15It's the term GB, isn't it, because it's Great Britain.
33:17Yes, ChatBeat, GMTV.
33:20LGBTQ.
33:22If you think that's bad, I once went to the shop
33:25to buy a cauliflower, but I accidentally bought a cabbage.
33:29And I peeled the whole cabbage looking for a cauliflower.
33:33LAUGHTER
33:39When the whole thing was gone, I still didn't get it.
33:42Oh, no, I'll get one more layer.
33:44I'll get one more layer.
33:46It must be in here.
33:47And I really wish I was a good enough comedian
33:49to have made that up.
33:51LAUGHTER
33:53The next topic is...
33:55Unlikely road signs.
33:56Very embarrassing.
33:57Fully going to piss myself if I don't go to the loo right now.
33:59Then run to the loo right now, if you really...
34:01LAUGHTER
34:02You've made it vivid, I'll tell you that.
34:05APPLAUSE
34:06Do you know what?
34:08I'm going to watch him.
34:10LAUGHTER
34:12Anyone want to ask another question?
34:13Anyone want to ask a question?
34:14Oh, there's something down there.
34:15Very, very good.
34:16Hi.
34:16What's your name?
34:17My name's Charlie.
34:18I'm going to do it again with the microphone there.
34:19Apologies, Charlie.
34:20What's your name?
34:20My name's Charlie.
34:21Charlie.
34:21How are you, Charlie?
34:23Oh, sorry.
34:24The camera's not on you yet.
34:25So, for the third time, Charlie, I'm going to ask you again in a second.
34:27I apologise for that.
34:28OK, great.
34:29Sorry, who are you?
34:30Charlie.
34:31My name's Charlie.
34:34APPLAUSE
34:36Done.
34:37We're just going to hear you one more time.
34:39Oh, hi.
34:39How are you?
34:39What's your name?
34:40My name's Charlie.
34:41Sorry, Charlie.
34:41We're out of time.
34:46Oh, for fuck's sakes.
34:47Can you all see the word allegedly and then they can edit it in?
34:51LAUGHTER
34:51OK, that's cool.
34:54Will you be starting with a minute?
34:56Allegedly.
34:58Allegedly.
35:01Allegedly.
35:04Allegedly.
35:05Allegedly.
35:08Allegedly!
35:10That is...
35:11That's how I say it.
35:12That's what Andrew would have wanted.
35:13No, no, no, no.
35:14LAUGHTER
35:15OK.
35:16Now we've got time for one more.
35:18Let's throw it open.
35:19Has anyone else got a question?
35:20Oh, there.
35:21OK, Grant.
35:21Thank you very much.
35:22What's your name?
35:22My name's Charlie.
35:23Charlie, you really fucked with the show here.
35:26LAUGHTER
35:28It was all going really well and then Charlie came in like a fucking agent of chaos.
35:33LAUGHTER
35:36Sarah.
35:37Will you?
35:39Mary.
35:41Fleet Services.
35:43That one wasn't me.
35:46LAUGHTER
35:46Why Sarah?
35:49Of all names.
35:51He said you wanted your boyfriend.
35:53LAUGHTER
35:54Not you.
35:56LAUGHTER
35:57Sorry to interrupt.
36:01LAUGHTER
36:05APPLAUSE
36:05APPLAUSE
36:08OK.
36:09Guess what we have to do again.
36:13I'll put it this way.
36:14Guess who's fucked it up for the fourth time.
36:18LAUGHTER
36:21OK.
36:21Now we've got time for one more.
36:23Let's throw it open.
36:24Has anyone else got a question?
36:25Not you, Charlie.
36:27LAUGHTER
36:27Sorry.
36:28Sorry.
36:28I couldn't use it.
36:30LAUGHTER
36:33Frog's Crossing.
36:34Or as some people call it, the Channel Tunnel.
36:37LAUGHTER
36:39APPLAUSE
36:39You think that's bad?
36:41I've been married so long that I actually booked myself a prostate exam for Valentine's Day just to feel something.
36:47LAUGHTER
36:50LAUGHTER
36:53When did you live?
36:55When did you live?
36:55Become this?
36:56LAUGHTER
36:57Some gentle observations about life.
36:59This.
37:00That was a cry for help.
37:01Doctors.
37:03You think that's bad?
37:04I did my first shift as a prostate doctor this way.
37:07LAUGHTER
37:09Join us after the break for more Back The Week.
37:19Now we come to scenes we'd like to see.
37:22Whoever can make their way over to the performance area.
37:25I'll read out this week's topics and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
37:29OK, here we go.
37:30The first subject is...
37:32..on likely slogans for British towns and cities.
37:35Glasgow!
37:36Fucking hello!
37:43Swindon!
37:43City of culture.
37:45Unfortunately, it's mostly thrush.
37:47Yeah.
37:50Clacton.
37:51Don't worry, he's almost never here.
37:56Welcome to London and enjoy that phone while it lasts.
38:03Bristol.
38:03You don't have to live on a barge to look like you do.
38:07LAUGHTER
38:09Welcome to Luton, or as EasyJet calls us, London.
38:13LAUGHTER
38:16Why are we called Cockermouth?
38:18Oh, you'll find out.
38:21LAUGHTER
38:23Canvey Island.
38:24In the world's best island rankings, we're still behind Epstein's one.
38:29LAUGHTER
38:31Blackpool, because your nan had to be a slag somewhere.
38:35LAUGHTER
38:38Ever wonder what Cambridge would be like if it didn't have a university?
38:41Discover Peterborough.
38:46Want to leave London but not give up your drug habits?
38:49Come to Margate.
38:52LAUGHTER
38:53Come to Yorkshire, where we've got the word the down to a T.
39:02Bath.
39:03Jane Austen once lived here and we won't let you fucking forget it.
39:08LAUGHTER
39:10Southampton.
39:11The people who left on the Titanic still feel like they made the right choice.
39:15LAUGHTER
39:20Visit Portsmouth.
39:22No?
39:23Fair enough.
39:25LAUGHTER
39:28Hereford.
39:29Also for Him-er-ford.
39:32LAUGHTER
39:43Welcome to Eton, Britain's cunt factory.
39:47LAUGHTER
39:51WET-WANG.
39:52We're a real place.
39:53Genuinely, that's our name, WET-WANG.
39:55The whole reason we called it that is so people would come here and no-one's coming here.
39:57WET-WANG.
39:58What do we need to do?
39:59WET-WANG.
40:00What do you want to call this?
40:03Muff.
40:03We're a real place.
40:04Like, what do we have to do?
40:05We're actually called home.
40:07LAUGHTER
40:08FINGER IN HOPE.
40:10FINGER IN HOPE.
40:10FINGER IN HOPE.
40:11It's a place.
40:12We're in Essex.
40:12We're on the front of bosses.
40:13Come on, guys.
40:15What's wrong with you?
40:16LAUGHTER
40:17It's terrible.
40:21It's not...
40:21Shitstorm.
40:22It's not a place.
40:24LAUGHTER
40:27APPLAUSE
40:28Welcome to Kent.
40:30Oh, thanks.
40:30Not you.
40:32LAUGHTER
40:33APPLAUSE
40:37OK, the next topic is...
40:39Shout-up lines that won't work.
40:42Having sex with me is like having a Happy Meal.
40:45I come with a little toy.
40:47LAUGHTER
40:51Can you iron?
40:59Sorry, I'm a bit of an anxious nail-biter.
41:01I didn't hurt your toes, did I?
41:03LAUGHTER
41:07If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U next to I.
41:12And then a T in the middle, because I've got cystitis.
41:16LAUGHTER
41:19The room just lit up when you walked in.
41:22I think they have motion-sensitive switches.
41:25LAUGHTER
41:28LAUGHTER
41:31Girl, are you a watermelon?
41:34Because I want to take you back to my place
41:36and then feel too overwhelmed to do anything with you.
41:39LAUGHTER
41:41APPLAUSE
41:44My ex-girlfriend used to call me The Horse
41:47on account of my massive ketamine problem.
41:51LAUGHTER
41:53I would take the stars from the skies
41:55and put them in your eyes.
41:57That noise, that's Dara Breen crying
41:59because the stars are in the wrong place.
42:02LAUGHTER
42:06Wow.
42:07God must have taken the day off after making you
42:09because you seem like a lot of work.
42:12LAUGHTER
42:15APPLAUSE
42:19Hey, girl, are you from Tennessee?
42:20Because you're the only 10IC.
42:22No?
42:23Well, then, are you from Pennsylvania?
42:24Because you've made my Pennsylvania.
42:27LAUGHTER
42:29LAUGHTER
42:30LAUGHTER
42:34Forgive me, forgive me.
42:35Risa has actually tried that one on me.
42:38LAUGHTER
42:40Yeah, I am a high-flying PR executive.
42:42I'm launching a new client's fragrance.
42:44What do you think of just Andrew?
42:47LAUGHTER
42:49Look, I don't care that you have a son.
42:52I... Yeah, I know Rhys.
42:54LAUGHTER
43:01I would ask you back to my place, but it seems a bit soon.
43:04I only escaped this morning.
43:07LAUGHTER
43:10Did you fall from heaven and it wasn't your fault?
43:13You might be eligible for compensation.
43:15LAUGHTER
43:17I'm not wearing any deodorant.
43:21LAUGHTER
43:23Hey, girl, is that a Snapchat filter
43:26or are you an actual dog?
43:29LAUGHTER
43:30Hey, are you from Tennessee?
43:32Because you're the only 10IC.
43:34No?
43:34Well, then, are you from Virginia?
43:36Because you should have this Virginia.
43:38LAUGHTER
43:43Come on, don't be silly.
43:45You pay.
43:49If I could rearrange the alphabet.
43:51Chee-li-wa-du-wa-li-la-wa.
43:54LAUGHTER
43:59Sorry, I know this is so cheesy, but I haven't showered in a while.
44:06All your underwear must be lucky underwear,
44:09cos it gets to touch your...
44:10Ah, she's gone.
44:11She's gone.
44:11LAUGHTER
44:14You know, they call me the stallion.
44:16At weekends, I get whipped by small men
44:17while Clare Balding commentates.
44:23How many comedians can you squeeze into nine seconds?
44:26Glen Moore, Rhys James, Zoe Lyons, Ed Byrne, Sarah Pascoe,
44:28Emmanuel Sanubi and me, Dara Breen.
44:30Easy, done.
44:31Mock the Week, Sunday at 9 on TLC.
44:34Urgh!
44:38APPLAUSE
44:44I know I'd watch it.
44:47LAUGHTER
44:49LAUGHTER
44:52I don't think that's what we're doing.
44:54I don't think that's what we're doing.
44:54I don't think that's what we're doing.
44:55I don't think craning osteopathy.
44:56Don't do that.
44:57LAUGHTER
44:58You've fuzzed it all up now.
45:01The news keeps happening, so we keep mocking it,
45:03because pretending it isn't there hasn't worked.
45:06Don't miss Mock the Week with me, Dara O'Brien.
45:10And we can all just go fuck ourselves.
45:12LAUGHTER
45:13LAUGHTER
45:14LAUGHTER
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