- 7 minutes ago
First broadcast 4th February 1993.
To make room for sixty Russian telescopes in his lock-up Arthur swaps his out of date old tat for a fruit machine from Alexei Nolan's funfair.
George Cole - Arthur
Gary Webster - Ray
Glynn Edwards - Dave
Nicholas Day - D.S. Morley
Jonty Stephens - D.C. Field
Sean McGinley - Alexie Nolan
Natalie Roles - Amanda
Eliza Buckingham - Mrs. Mitchell
Robert Blythe - Cllr. Griffiths
Brian McGrath - Mr. Fairchild
Chris Matthews - Cecil
Freddie Stuart - Wigmore
Orla Brady - Bank Teller
Melee Hutton - Secretary
Francis Pope - Lad
Hazel Allen - Hotel Diner
Peter Allen - Hotel Diner
Stephen Fitzalan - Undercover Policeman
Antony Gilding - Policeman
Ron Gregory - Hotel Guest
John Maloney - Traveller
Maureen Nelson - Hotel Guest
Peter Roy - Hotel Guest
Harry Van Engel - Winchester Club Patron
To make room for sixty Russian telescopes in his lock-up Arthur swaps his out of date old tat for a fruit machine from Alexei Nolan's funfair.
George Cole - Arthur
Gary Webster - Ray
Glynn Edwards - Dave
Nicholas Day - D.S. Morley
Jonty Stephens - D.C. Field
Sean McGinley - Alexie Nolan
Natalie Roles - Amanda
Eliza Buckingham - Mrs. Mitchell
Robert Blythe - Cllr. Griffiths
Brian McGrath - Mr. Fairchild
Chris Matthews - Cecil
Freddie Stuart - Wigmore
Orla Brady - Bank Teller
Melee Hutton - Secretary
Francis Pope - Lad
Hazel Allen - Hotel Diner
Peter Allen - Hotel Diner
Stephen Fitzalan - Undercover Policeman
Antony Gilding - Policeman
Ron Gregory - Hotel Guest
John Maloney - Traveller
Maureen Nelson - Hotel Guest
Peter Roy - Hotel Guest
Harry Van Engel - Winchester Club Patron
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:02Detective Sergeant.
00:06Detective Sergeant.
00:09Perhaps he's asleep.
00:11A sleeping policeman?
00:12We could do with a few of them down our road.
00:15Detective Sergeant Morley.
00:19We're agreed, then, Detective Sergeant.
00:24Agreed?
00:25If it's all right with you.
00:30Absolutely.
00:30It's agreed, then.
00:32Detective Sergeant Morley to volunteer as technical advisor
00:35for all security equipment purchased by the committee
00:37in aid of the Senior Citizens' Neighborhood Watch Fund.
00:42When talking of purchasing security equipment,
00:44as your Madam Chairperson,
00:45I've taken the liberty of appointing an official purchasing officer
00:48to work hand in glove with you, Detective Sergeant.
00:52I should be here in a tick.
01:05I'm sorry.
01:05You're down into Europe.
01:06Yeah, that's the one.
01:11Oh, look.
01:23Greetings.
01:24Oh, I, uh, I see you started without me.
01:28Fair enough.
01:29We all saw finish without him.
01:31Twenty minutes ago.
01:32Ah, well, you see, Madam Chair Human,
01:35I wasn't sure whether you said half past six or half past seven.
01:38So I decided to give it the benefit of the doubt
01:41and opt for the latter.
01:43Incorrectly, it would seem.
01:45Mr Morley!
01:46What a pleasant surprise.
01:48Mr Daly has most generously offered his services
01:50on behalf of our little enterprise.
01:52And jolly lucky to get him, I say.
01:55Perhaps you'd like to give us an update on progress.
01:58Ah, well, unfortunately,
02:00the intended supplier of the merchandise germane
02:03to the committee's requirements,
02:04i.e. door chains, peepholes, likewise,
02:07has been, um, inadvertently detained
02:09and is unable to furnish the committee with the aforementioned items.
02:12But when a flower dies,
02:14it becomes part of the great compost of life, I always say.
02:19But what exactly are you proposing we spend our money on, Mr Daly?
02:23Telescopes.
02:24State-of-the-art, astrologically approved,
02:28precision instrumentation
02:30from the land that first hurtled an unwitting mongrel
02:33into outer space.
02:36Telescopes?
02:38What possible use would our eldest and dearest
02:41have for intergalactic Russian telescopes?
02:44Mr Morley, you of all people should be aware
02:46of the value of the old adage,
02:47forewarned is forearmed.
02:49I mean, how much notice do you get looking through a spiral?
02:52I mean, the black has probably got his jemmy in the door jam,
02:55while his potential victim
02:56is wondering whether she's about to get a surprise visit
02:58from Barry Manilow.
03:00No, no, no, ladies and gentlemen,
03:02the beauty of telescopes
03:03is you can spot nefarious characters on Venus,
03:06never mind the end of the road.
03:08It is a great leap into the space age of crime prevention.
03:12I think you'll all agree.
03:18LAUGHTER
03:23LAUGHTER
03:28Oh, wow.
03:30Oh, my goodness.
03:33Um, next one.
03:35All right.
03:35OK, see you.
03:36Bye.
03:37Yeah?
03:39Oh, wow.
03:40Oh, my goodness.
03:44Um, next one.
03:49All right.
03:51OK, see you.
03:51Bye.
03:52Yeah?
03:52Oh, wow.
03:52Evening, Mr Whitmore.
04:05Ray?
04:08Ray?
04:11Ray!
04:12Arthur!
04:14How is a captain of industry supposed to function
04:16when his operational nerve centre is bunked to the ceiling
04:19with lumps of cardboard?
04:20What do you need three score of astronomical telescopes for, anyway?
04:23When Dame Opportunity knocks,
04:25you do not leave her standing in a porch like a lemon.
04:27You invite her in.
04:29Offer her a suitable accommodation.
04:30And this office and my desk is not it,
04:32so come on, make the space for them.
04:34It's only for a few days.
04:35Don't tell me you've got a buyer.
04:38Well, actually, this consignment is in the nature of a donation
04:41to a very worthy cause.
04:42What, you're giving them away?
04:43In the biblical sense of the word, certainly, yes.
04:46Trade, plus VAT, of course,
04:48plus any transportation involvement,
04:50and a token facilities fee for my extra mural expenses.
04:52Uh-huh.
04:54Raymond, charities hate to think they're sponging, believe me.
04:57Now, in the meanwhile, shift them.
04:59Where? Honest, Arthur, it's chocker out there.
05:01Well, in that case,
05:02you could usefully use the run-up to the weekend
05:03by making an inventory.
05:05But it's a bank holiday, Arthur.
05:06Perfect timing.
05:08Opportunity is a fickle mistress, Ray.
05:09She keeps very unsocial hours.
05:11Bit like that nurse you've been dalliancing with
05:13for the last two weeks.
05:14Oh, God, she's gonna kill me.
05:16Don't think it's gone unnoticed.
05:17Well, what am I supposed to do?
05:18Ditch her in for something in a nine-to-five job?
05:20Not at all, Raymond, not at all.
05:21Adjust, adapt.
05:23Avail yourself of the resources of the daily empire.
05:27What's that?
05:27A pager.
05:29Part of a paging system I've just inaugurated
05:31at considerable personal expense.
05:33Wear it about your person at all times.
05:35We cannot afford to let opportunities pass us by in this business.
05:39Baden-Bowell had the right idea.
05:40Dib, dib, dib.
05:41Ghoulie gang, what's it?
05:42Be prepared.
05:43That's the one.
05:45And be good.
06:06Hi, honey. I'm home.
06:11Amanda?
06:11Mr. Andrew!
06:18How do I look?
06:20I love it.
06:22It should entertain the patients as well, then.
06:26I've got to go on nights tonight.
06:28What?
06:28I couldn't find anyone to cover.
06:31What could I say?
06:37I'm off at five, though.
06:39Five?
06:39Five.
06:40Mm-hmm.
06:43Five.
07:09Five.
07:10Yep.
07:13Of course I wasn't.
07:17What do you think?
07:19Yeah.
07:20I'll be right over.
07:22Yeah.
07:36I don't know.
08:05Here we go.
08:12Well, beloved.
08:27Ray, what's happening?
08:29What you said about opportunities.
08:32This mate of mine in the waste disposal business had this skip that wasn't rented out till Tuesday.
08:36So I asked him to park it up here for the weekend.
08:38We dump a load of old tat and it doesn't cost you a penny.
08:42Smart or what, eh?
08:43Load of old tat?
08:44Raymond, we do not have loads of old tat that need dumping.
08:48We have clearance sales.
08:49Now, move all that back in lock-up.
08:51It's a load of old rubbish, Arthur.
08:52I mean, what is anyone going to want with a bunch of Imperial Petroleum pre-motorway maps, eh?
08:58Oh, I don't know.
09:00Recapture their lost youth, perhaps.
09:02Recall the days when they used to tootle down leafy byways in their M.G. Spriggett or whatever.
09:06There is always a great future in the past, Raymond.
09:09Now, put them back.
09:09All right, then. How about these?
09:11Decimal conversion table tea towels.
09:13Well, not an obvious snip, I grant you.
09:16But you are overlooking the needs of the emergent third world countries.
09:20Some of these places, they still deal in beads and livestock.
09:23When they get around to coinage, need I say more?
09:27You are also ignoring their commercial potential as ethnic Arab egg gear.
09:32What other of my investments have you so precipitously dicks during my absence?
09:36Oh, two gross of Kodak 120 film, circa 1954.
09:41Couple of cases of Canadian soc-eyed tinned salmon, priced one and thrum's eightpenny.
09:46Yeah, maybe we could shift them job lot with the old, er,
09:50decibel conversion tea towels, eh, Arthur?
09:52Am I keeping you up?
09:53What about this, then? Here you are.
09:56A treat for all the connoisseurs of the original lo-fi.
10:00600 cartridge cassettes of the Partridge family, 20 greatest hits.
10:05I mean, not even secondhand Cecil would give a pre-decibel brass farthing for this dross, Arthur.
10:12Secondhand?
10:14Raymond, I'm very nearly proud of you.
10:20Authentic Vietnamese cuisine, Cecil. Culinary experience.
10:25As walked by indigenous boat people.
10:28How would you know?
10:29You're having steak.
10:31Mm, yeah, but anything nautical, I come over all queasy.
10:37To business.
10:38Cecil, as one of the more judicious collectors of contemporary history,
10:42I am in a position to offer you a cornucopia of collective memorabilia dating back to the swinging fifties.
10:51Such items as have been authenticated by a sound man on your actual antiques roadshow.
10:59Do you know me, Arthur?
11:01If it has dust in it, I'm interested.
11:04Have some more rice wine.
11:06Oh.
11:10Yeah, well, I'm not sure an apology's really good enough.
11:14Yeah, you say you're sorry, but how do I know you really mean it?
11:19Yeah, well, I think you're gonna have to prove just how sorry you really are.
11:24What?
11:26Yeah?
11:27The pink one?
11:29Uh-huh.
11:32Yeah, yeah, I think that'll do nicely.
11:35Yeah?
11:36Oh, I don't believe it.
11:38No, no, no, no.
11:39Here, listen Amanda, I gotta run.
11:41Yeah, turn out then, yeah?
11:43Laters.
11:44Bye.
12:05Well, what do you think?
12:11He didn't have to use language.
12:13Not in public.
12:15A courtly, not today, Arthur, thank you, would have sufficed.
12:20Civility costs nothing, Raymond.
12:23Which is more than I can say for Korean nose bag.
12:25Yeah, well, if you'd listened to me in the first place, you could have saved yourself a few sovs.
12:29You've never fully comprehended the complex infrastructure of the free market system, have you, Ray?
12:34If it ever got out that I had been caught in flagranti with what you so wantonly describe as unsaleable
12:40tat,
12:41a lifetime's dedication to entrepreneurial excellence would go straight down the porcelain.
12:46And if it ever got back to Taiwan, an entire economy would...
12:51...would follow it down.
12:54That's my new flatmate.
12:56Rachel, meet Uncle Arthur.
13:02Raymond, can you hear something?
13:04Is that the door knocking?
13:08If I'm not mistaken, Dame Opportunity is waiting in the porch.
13:14I can't help you.
13:17Be a little bit without restraint.
13:20I can't help you.
13:27I can't help you.
13:30I've got a little bit of a quiet chasing.
13:31I can't help you.
13:32I can't help you.
13:33I can't help you.
13:35How can't help you?
13:37You can help me.
13:38I can help you.
13:41How can I help you?
13:49$1,200 including delivery, is it?
13:51Your final offer, you say?
13:54I couldn't do it to you, Mr. Daly. I respect it too much.
13:59To accept a man's final offer without an appropriate counteroffer
14:02would be an insult to his bargaining skills.
14:05Businessmen such as us thrive on the haggle
14:07to deny the thrill would be disrespectful.
14:10$800.
14:11I know you're doing it for me, Mr. Nolan.
14:14$1,000.
14:15$900.
14:16Done.
14:20Plus the van.
14:22Ah!
14:25You deliver in the morning.
14:27Look, if you'd like to divvy up while the ink's still wet,
14:30I'd quite understand.
14:32A gesture of commercial goodwill.
14:36I hear a flamer out the Daly, no mistake.
14:43Mind out, Bambino.
14:45A wily bunch of gypsies, Ray.
14:46It's the only word for them.
14:48Eyes of a saint and the tongue of an estate agent.
14:53Mind you, when it comes to Weaver dealering,
14:55we're talking First Division.
14:56Oh, you're not that bad yourself, are you?
14:58I mean, for a wreck of all the golfers,
15:00the novelty prices at the fanfare,
15:02St. Maggie would have been proud of you.
15:04Enterprising, Ray, bordering on the confident,
15:07but not to be comparable to a great lady.
15:09I mean, frogging those national resources back to the taxpayer
15:12who owned them in the first place,
15:14I mean, that was impressive.
15:16If her friends hadn't pulled a rug from under her,
15:18she'd have had people queuing up to buy shares in fresh air.
15:33Why not?
15:39Yeah, come on, Alfred, let's have a go on this.
15:41No, no, no, no, that goes up and down.
15:43Come on, miss.
15:44Come on, miss.
15:44I can't go on a tee, come on.
15:46What? What's up with kids?
15:47No, no, it goes round and round.
15:48Yeah, about this.
15:49So, look.
15:50Oh, no.
15:52What the fuck do you want to go on here?
15:53Left, right, right, right, go on.
15:56Right, right, right.
15:57Left, left, left, left, left, left.
16:01That's it, that's it.
16:02Get those kids.
16:03Yeah, go get there, go get there, get there.
16:19It's not the official size ball.
16:26Here, Sandy, this is the geezer we saw last week, isn't it?
16:29Sarge!
16:31I told her you were out the last time.
16:33Oh, tell her again!
16:34She's very insistent, Sarge.
16:36Wants a personal word with her little technical advisor.
16:43After your body, if you ask me.
16:46Oh, Mrs. Mitchell, how nice to hear from you again.
16:49How best can I serve the needs of your most estimable little watch committee?
16:55Ah, no.
16:57No, I think you'll find that transport is a matter that falls within the sphere of your purchasing officer, Mr.
17:02Daly.
17:05Oh, did he indeed?
17:07Well, I suppose a man with 60 astronomical telescopes on his hands is bound to be a bit farsighted, isn't
17:11he?
17:15Well, much as I appreciate the honour, Mrs. Mitchell.
17:19That'll be my pleasure, Mrs. Mitchell.
17:21Oh, she only wants me to take the cheque round to Daly for this unsavoury little rip-off of his.
17:28That's all.
17:34No, no, no, two adults.
17:36Oh, I don't know.
17:37Hey, come on, Ray.
17:38Hey, come on.
17:39I won't tell if you won.
17:40Have a gun.
17:41What did you get?
17:43There's a peen on it once, haven't I?
17:45Oh, don't I?
18:02There's a peen on it.
18:03There's a peen on it once.
18:07Oh, what is it?
18:08Ah!
18:10Ah!
18:12Ah!
18:13Ah!
18:15Ah!
18:16Ah!
18:17Ah!
18:23Ah!
18:24Ah!
18:25Ah!
18:27Ah!
18:28Ah!
18:28Ah!
18:28Ah!
18:29Ah!
18:29Ah!
18:30Oh, no, no, no, I'm not going to scream, Mr. Stark.
18:32Ah!
18:35Ah!
18:36Ah!
18:38Ah!
18:38Oh!
18:39Oh, it touched me!
18:39It touched me!
18:40Ah!
18:42Ah!
18:45Ah!
18:53Two adults.
18:55Oh, get off, though.
18:56Yeah, why not? It's fun.
18:58I'm good. I'm lucky.
19:02Thanks very much. In you go.
19:04Go on.
19:27Okay, go.
19:30Okay, go.
19:58All in a good cause, Mr. Morley. All in a good cause.
20:12Oh, no, I know. I overslept. Sorry, Arthur.
20:15I'm delighted to hear it, Ray.
20:16I do not like to see my staff doing a full day's work on less than a full night's kip.
20:21Oh, sorry?
20:21The unsaleable TAT, as you so demeaningly described it,
20:25needs loading up and shipping down to the fairground, doesn't it?
20:28Before that smarmy bog-trotter, Alexei, comes to the same conclusion.
20:31Come on, move.
20:36Have a bit, have a bit.
20:37Yeah, Arthur, I know how to fire a gun, all right?
20:44Take your fix and dance.
20:46Now, mate, you keep it.
20:48A touch more corporate loyalty, it wouldn't come amiss.
20:51This isn't a service, Mr. Daly, but a finer array of quality prizes I've still yet to see.
20:56Alexei.
20:57Absolutely.
20:59You know, the moment we struck our deal, I said to myself,
21:01careful, Alexei, this one's a schly boots. What's he after, I thought.
21:05It can't be the money.
21:05Oh, it is, it is. I'll show you it is.
21:10Oh, you're a flamer, all right, huh?
21:13I'm easily 900 for such quality merchandise.
21:16No.
21:17Oh, Schly boots is after something I thought.
21:19Mr. Nowlin.
21:20He's only got his eye on one of me little gluttons, I thought. That's it.
21:23Wants a piece of the real action, so he does.
21:25And here am I, all ready to insult his intelligence by handing him over the money.
21:30He'd never forgive me.
21:31Oh, oh, yes he would. I'll come vouch for it.
21:33Only wants to trade for one of me little gluttons.
21:37Am I right or am I right?
21:38Come on, tell me what you see.
21:50Fruit machines.
21:51No, you don't.
21:52What you see are special fruit machines.
21:55You mean rigged?
21:57Let's say they're encouraged to favour the bank.
21:59What makes them special is that they only pay out jackpots.
22:01Big ones, too. 50 big ones.
22:0350 pound jackpots? You must be mad.
22:11They're also customised to make a bit of a song and dance about it, as you can see.
22:15Pays to advertise.
22:16Indubitably.
22:17Especially if you have to feed the blessed things four or five hundred quid
22:20before they even think of getting any back.
22:22That's very nearly immoral.
22:24I knew you'd approve.
22:26Gluttons, the latter of them. With a thousand percent profitability ratio.
22:30A thousand percent?
22:31Any machine that takes your fancy plus six hundred and crisp wellingtons.
22:35There. You've talked me into it.
22:38You're a hard man, Mr. D.
22:40But, if those are your terms, you force me to accept.
22:51Thank you. That was the door hammering away again.
22:53Was that a look you gave me, Raymond?
22:55Just choose one. Let's get out of here.
22:56That was definitely a look you gave me.
22:58I can't believe it. He talked you out of it.
23:00Here you are, lads. Give them a whirl.
23:01Anyone you like.
23:09You haven't listened to a blind thing, have you?
23:11About being prepared.
23:12Dib, dib, dib.
23:13Ever vigilant for that elusive little earner.
23:15He had the money in his hand and he talked you out of it.
23:17Look, a little less of the look and a tad's more listening is my advice.
23:21It was a deal, Arthur. He's done you for three hundred quid.
23:25Like a gypsy's garden shed, isn't he?
23:27Look at this. This ain't worth three quid. He's had you on a wind-up, Arthur.
23:32A load of rubbish.
23:34This'll look right in a winchester, though.
23:37Arthur, it stayed with the beard on. Come and have a look at this one.
23:42Arthur.
23:45Come and find me.
23:49Where are you?
23:51Come and look at this.
24:03Brand new.
24:05Arthur, I don't think these are what Alexei had in mind.
24:08No.
24:09Neither do I.
24:24You're going to have to sometime, Sarge.
24:34You give it to him.
24:37He gives me great pleasure to...
24:39Don't lie, Itfield.
24:43All in a good cause, Mr Morley.
24:46All in a good cause.
24:49Dave.
24:50Large one.
24:54Give us 50p, will you?
24:57No objections if I play your machine daily?
24:59None at all, Mr Morley. None at all.
25:01Squander away.
25:06You're nicked.
25:07No gaming license.
25:17Ah, I think you're jumping to a misconception here, Mr Morley.
25:21I was merely checking out the machinery prior to offering it to you for a watch committee's charity bash.
25:26All profits go into a worthwhile cause, I think you'll agree.
25:28And what would that be then?
25:30The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Leprechauns?
25:33Eh?
25:34They're all Irish, Daley.
25:36It's not legal tender hereabouts.
25:42Tokens.
25:42Tokens, Mr Morley.
25:43Purely tokens.
25:45Tokens, Dave.
25:46Tokens, eh.
25:47Well, you wouldn't expect me to flat the stringent gaming laws of this country and be shelling out coins of
25:51the realm, would you?
25:52So what you're saying is, Daley, I don't cop the return on my 50p investment.
25:56You could add fraud to the list of charges.
25:59Dave.
26:0050 from the till, if you will.
26:03Consider it the Winchester's contribution to tomorrow's charity beaner.
26:07There you go.
26:13Lost one, sir.
26:14I should do it.
26:15Well, I...
26:18There you go.
26:29Ah.
26:32Pests.
26:34Alright, that'll do.
26:36Yeah.
26:38What?
26:39Bankers are a pair.
26:40What?
26:40Bankers are a pair, not 50p.
26:42There's more glass.
26:45There you are.
26:46Mickey Mouse money not accepted.
26:48What are you talking about?
26:51The Republic of Ireland, 1988.
26:56The Republic of Ireland, 1988.
26:59The Republic of Ireland, 1988.
27:01The Republic of Ireland, 1988.
27:03Excuse me.
27:10All new, all Irish.
27:12And all the same date.
27:14So what's the SP, Arthur?
27:15First they're in the fruit machine, then they're in my spare change.
27:18Note, the spare change which I acquired at the fairground.
27:21I smell rodents, Ray.
27:23Big Irish ones.
27:24Get your coat.
27:45There you go, lads.
27:46See you all right.
27:47Up!
27:48Up!
27:50Up!
27:52Up!
27:52Up!
27:52Up!
27:52Up!
27:54Up!
27:55Up!
27:57Up!
27:58Up!
28:02Up!
28:06I'm sure this is all worth it, Arthur.
28:08You've got to get a closer look at those machines.
28:10Two adults, please.
28:11I want to know what they're up to.
28:13Yeah, ma'am.
28:15Mm-hmm.×™
28:30- LAUGHTER
28:38marriage
28:41Aaaaaaaa
28:42-aah!
28:49Oh, my friend.
28:55Thanks, Bill.
29:16Get off.
29:18Ah!
29:20It's all right.
29:21Mother's here.
29:21Mother's here.
29:25Mother's here.
29:26Shh.
29:27Oh, that's all.
29:28Oh.
29:30Ah!
29:31Ah!
29:31Ah!
29:34Ah!
29:35Ah!
29:36Ah!
29:37Ah!
29:37Ah!
29:41Ah!
29:48Oh, quick.
29:48Open it.
29:49Open it.
29:49It's not incoming.
29:50Come on, quick.
29:51Jump.
30:03Just get this one.
30:04That should do it.
30:06Come on.
30:07You got it?
30:08No, it won't go.
30:10Why is it taking longer than the others?
30:11I don't know.
30:13Come on.
30:15Yep, that's it.
30:16I've got this in.
30:17Yep.
30:17There you go.
30:18OK.
30:22There you are.
30:23Full of money.
30:24Yeah, but they're new, Arthur.
30:25Exactly.
30:26Get one of those out.
30:27Go on, wrench one out.
30:34I'll give you three guesses.
30:36It must be.
30:37Must be what?
30:38It must be the same.
30:39Arthur, what are you going on about?
30:41Dublin Mint Robbery.
30:421988.
30:42200 Gransworth.
30:44The only reason I remember is because it was all in slummy.
30:46What?
30:46Coins change.
30:47I thought at the time, typical, you know.
30:49Up with a washing, back at three.
30:51Maxi's mob, do you reckon?
30:51Yeah.
30:52Why bring it all in?
30:53You could hardly unload half a ton of hot coinage on your own turf, could you?
30:56Even PC Paddy could run that down.
30:58Hang on.
30:58Hang on.
31:03What better way to smuggle a load of coins in, but in a load of slot machines?
31:08Wood for the trees, principle.
31:09It's lovely money, Arthur.
31:11They can't spend it here.
31:12I thought you said they were all wily.
31:13That is the only word for them, Ray.
31:14Put that back on.
31:15Give me that.
31:15Let's get out of here.
31:16All right.
31:55Alexi's naundering it, or more accurately, in his case, rinsing it through.
31:58A drip at a time, dropping it in with a change from the ghost ride.
32:02Oh, he's admirable.
32:03When you find a rogue Irish drachma in your slummy from some fairground,
32:06you're not immediately going to say,
32:07Oh, I haven't inadvertently stumbled on some international currency scam, are you?
32:11Of course not.
32:12Pass it on to the most likely looking muggins that comes along next.
32:16Oh, you've got to hand it to these boys.
32:18They're well before that.
32:19Ah!
32:21Ah!
32:23Ah!
32:24Ah!
32:24Ah!
32:25Ah!
32:27Here, Arthur, if they're so smart, how long's it going to take them to spot that you've
32:31snitched one of their wooden horses?
32:32Well, they're one.
32:34Arthur, the machine down the club.
32:36The one that you weren't supposed to take.
32:37The one that's full of their ill-gotten's.
32:39They find out you'll end up more rearranged than Michael Jackson.
32:42Listen, no worries, Bray.
32:44That particular machine is about to be transferred
32:47to the safe custody of our trusty boys in blue.
32:52Oh, my God.
32:55Dave?
32:57Dave?
32:59Dave, it's Arthur.
33:01Dave!
33:07Dave!
33:09Dave!
33:10Dave, it's Arthur!
33:21Dave!
33:55Dave!
34:08Are you sure?
34:11I've got about 2,000 quid with you.
34:14Yes, but we don't accept coins.
34:16Not when exchanging foreign currency.
34:19I know banks don't as a rule, Miss, but I thought, look, as these are fresh, and you are the
34:23Irish Trust Bank,
34:24I mean, you can see for yourself, they are the real McCoy.
34:27I'm sorry.
34:29It's all right, Carol. I'm sure we can stretch a rule.
34:33If the gentleman would care to give me a few details.
34:36Of course, I don't want to lug this lot back, do I?
34:40So where's Dave, then?
34:42I'd hardly be puke with delirium if I knew, would I?
34:44What's it, Jets?
34:45Dave, when do you decide to go part-time? This is a business, not a day at the races.
34:49And perhaps you'd like to shed some light on things before we all run out of juror cells.
34:52Oh, yeah, Sergeant Morley collected that first thing.
34:55What?
34:56Yeah, before he went, Arthur.
34:56No, no, no, apologies, you'll have to wait.
34:59Where are we going, Arthur?
35:02Mr. Backlick, please come to reception.
35:05Tap and call.
35:07Longford Suite.
35:09Excuse me, my dear.
35:10Longford Suite.
35:11Yes, sir.
35:14You hang on there, keep an eye out for me.
35:21Mr. Morley!
35:23What an unpleasant surprise.
35:25Is this a private visit or can anyone get had over?
35:28Unkind, Mr. Morley.
35:30Very unkind.
35:33Yeah, well, I am here today as a matter of social conscience.
35:37That's what Hitler said when he invaded Poland.
35:39No, no, no, no.
35:40Seriously, Mr. Morley.
35:41I have been giving careful consideration to the political ramifications of putting temptation in the path of upright citizens.
35:49Good intentions notwithstanding.
35:50I mean, what is a prurient society going to say when it sees an esteemed body like the Watch Committee
35:55encouraging gambling?
35:56Look out, the press will have a field day.
35:58No, no, no.
35:59I'll get Ray to come round with a van and we'll take it away.
36:00Don't worry about it, Daley.
36:01It's all for charity.
36:04So be it, Mr. Morley.
36:06No, I think I ought to tell you this particular machine has not yet undergone the rigorous reliability tests necessary
36:12for a daily guarantee.
36:14I can't risk my reputation.
36:16Or indeed yours with iffy merchandise.
36:18So I'll give Ray a shot.
36:41Well, let's say I cannot vouch for his provenance.
36:46How much?
36:50Unofficially, how much has some poor punter got to put in there before he gets a result?
36:56A hundred?
36:58A hundred and fifty?
36:59Tell me if I'm getting warm.
37:01Five hundred.
37:02I'll go and get Ray.
37:02We'll take the van round.
37:04Like you said, Daley.
37:06It's all in a good cause.
37:10There's nothing there, I'm afraid.
37:12The director from Dublin office.
37:15It's there.
37:16I know it.
37:24You get them?
37:25Yep.
37:25One DJ with matching money belt.
37:28Oh, that's marvellous.
37:28And six hundred quid's worth of 50p's.
37:30Oh, that's lovely.
37:31Yeah, what's going on, Arthur?
37:32I'm going to get the money out of that machine before Morley and Co twig.
37:35Oh, that's nice.
37:36Exactly how you're going to do that.
37:37I'm going to win it back.
37:38Start filling them pockets.
37:41All of them?
37:41Go on.
37:50One all-staff alert director.
37:53Knew it.
38:07Obviously, after your windfall, I checked the back of the machine, and it's full of this
38:12Irish funny money, so I took it down a bank.
38:14I can't tell you more than that, Sergeant Morley.
38:17Oh, yes, you can.
38:19You can tell us where Daley got the machine.
38:44All right, you're going to have to pull me out.
38:53Don't draw attention to us.
38:57Steady?
38:58Yeah.
38:59Go on.
39:02Right.
39:05It's tough.
39:05All right.
39:08It's number 59, I'll do it.
39:15Oh!
39:20You're not, Arthur.
39:22Yeah, fine, fine.
39:26Bumped into me.
40:03I'm going to put it in.
40:06He's not at the lock-up, he's not at the car lot, he's not at home.
40:12We'd like to know where he is.
40:14Please.
40:15I've just dropped him off at the charity bash.
40:18What's your problem?
40:19I don't have a problem, sunshine.
40:22Tell Raymond what I do have.
40:24A warrant.
40:25A little matter of 200,000 quid with a coinage, Nick, from the Dublin Mint.
40:30I don't have a problem.
40:31We've had the fruit machines, we've had the funfares, we've had the gypsies,
40:35the whole story.
40:37We've got Uncle Arthur surrounded.
40:39It's called complicity.
40:42Serious noughties, I'm afraid.
40:43What is of immediate appeal is the thought of arresting Arthur
40:47in front of all those bleeding hearts that bought his ridiculous telescopes.
40:50Yeah, I wouldn't do that, Mr Morley.
40:51I know you wouldn't.
40:52No, I mean it, Arthur's innocent.
40:54I mean, Morley!
40:55I said Arthur's innocent.
40:57And if you let me, I think I can prove it.
41:05Oh, my God.
41:13What fun.
41:14Mind if I have a platter?
41:15Yes, I do.
41:16Go away.
41:22Another one, it is.
41:24Sure.
41:25I knew all along I should never have crossed bargaining swords with the likes of Arthur.
41:30Schleyboots or whoever there was, well.
41:35Take your pick.
41:36Nah, Arthur would kill me.
41:40What he wants
41:43is one of your new ones.
41:45You know, Alexei.
41:48Like I picked up for him before.
41:54Yeah.
41:57One like this.
42:02Where is the conniving little scrot bag?
42:05I don't know, do I?
42:11Could try the Fairview Hotel.
42:46Mr Daly, please, we're here to try and prevent the crime.
42:49Oh, yes, Madam Chairman Heumann.
42:51Personal.
42:51Counsel Griffiths.
42:55You don't want to let it get to you, man.
42:57What?
42:58No, no, no, don't let me keep you.
42:59To rest is not to doodahs, they say.
43:02Come along.
43:03Let me introduce you to a few colleagues.
43:05Could be her in there.
43:06You never know.
43:07Listen opportunities and all that.
43:10Business opportunities, you were saying?
43:12Shouldn't you answer that?
43:13There's a phone nearby.
43:14It might be important.
43:15Answer what?
43:17Ah!
43:18Ah!
43:19Oh, no!
43:26Damn thing.
43:28Is he a disease or not?
43:31Come on, come on!
43:43Where can I find Arthur Daly, friend?
43:45Uh, I think you found him in the Longford room, squire.
44:02Get her!
44:06That's what it means!
44:07Hi-bye!
44:07Oh!
44:10Hey!
44:13Hey!
44:14Hey!
44:15Oh!
44:36Hey!
44:39You can't do the thing, boys!
44:42Get him in there.
44:43Get him in there.
44:44Go on!
44:53Come on!
45:09Come on!
46:03Come on!
46:04Come on!
46:04Come on!
46:05Come on!
46:11Come on!
46:17This is all yours.
46:30Look, if Arthur was in on it with Nolan, why'd I panic to get the machine back?
46:34It proves he took the wrong one.
46:36In fact, the minute Arthur did twig what was inside it...
46:38Ah!
46:38So he did know what was going on, then?
46:40Originally, no.
46:41I mean, he'd hardly lend it to you for the albino, would he?
46:43Knowing it was packed full of stolen coins.
46:46That's why he's out there now, trying to win them back.
46:48So if you don't mind...
46:50Ah!
46:51I think we need your statement down the mick.
46:54What?
46:54Don't worry.
46:56I'll tell him.
46:58I'll tell him.
47:15How long before you tell him, Sarge?
47:19Well...
47:19And he's fed in a good 400, at least.
47:21It's all in a good cause, Field.
47:24It's all in a good cause.
47:25That's his, he's dead.
47:33He's fed up at least two years.
47:33He has had to use...
47:34To him, he can have...
47:35Yes.
47:36If you don't like us...
47:36No, but he's...
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