- 2 days ago
The grandson of the world's first and foremost consulting detective and his bumbling, bionic sidekick attempt to catch the only living descendant of Professor Moriarty.
John Cleese - Arthur Sherlock-Holmes
Arthur Lowe - Dr. William Watson, M.D.
Ron Moody - Dr. Henry Gropinger
Holly Palance - Air Hostess
Joss Ackland - President
Val Pringle - Black CIA Man
Bill Mitchell - Klein
Christopher Malcolm - The Other CIA Man (as Chris Malcolm)
Gyearbuor Asante - African Delegate (as Christopher Asante)
Denholm Elliott - English Delegate
Nick Tate - 1st Australian
Josephine Tewson - Miss Hoskins
Burt Kwouk - Chinese Delegate
Stratford Johns - Chief Commisioner Blocker
Connie Booth - Mrs. Hudson/Francine Moriarty
Derek Griffiths - Bus Conductor
Billy Hamon - Constable at Scotland Yard
Edmund Pegge - 2nd Australian
Robert Kingdom - Intercom Man
Maria Charles - Tea Lady
Delaney O'Connor - Hotel Commissionaire
Moira Foot - Receptionist
Dudley Jones - Hercule Poirot
Luie Caballero - Columbo
Kenneth Benda - Sir Miles Messervey, 'M'
Charlotte Alexandra - Miss Moneypacket
Maurice Kaufmann - Steve McGarrett
Mike O'Malley - Sam Spade
Paul Chapman - McCloud
Juba Kennerley - Carlton Hotel Guest
Director - Joseph McGrath
John Cleese - Arthur Sherlock-Holmes
Arthur Lowe - Dr. William Watson, M.D.
Ron Moody - Dr. Henry Gropinger
Holly Palance - Air Hostess
Joss Ackland - President
Val Pringle - Black CIA Man
Bill Mitchell - Klein
Christopher Malcolm - The Other CIA Man (as Chris Malcolm)
Gyearbuor Asante - African Delegate (as Christopher Asante)
Denholm Elliott - English Delegate
Nick Tate - 1st Australian
Josephine Tewson - Miss Hoskins
Burt Kwouk - Chinese Delegate
Stratford Johns - Chief Commisioner Blocker
Connie Booth - Mrs. Hudson/Francine Moriarty
Derek Griffiths - Bus Conductor
Billy Hamon - Constable at Scotland Yard
Edmund Pegge - 2nd Australian
Robert Kingdom - Intercom Man
Maria Charles - Tea Lady
Delaney O'Connor - Hotel Commissionaire
Moira Foot - Receptionist
Dudley Jones - Hercule Poirot
Luie Caballero - Columbo
Kenneth Benda - Sir Miles Messervey, 'M'
Charlotte Alexandra - Miss Moneypacket
Maurice Kaufmann - Steve McGarrett
Mike O'Malley - Sam Spade
Paul Chapman - McCloud
Juba Kennerley - Carlton Hotel Guest
Director - Joseph McGrath
Category
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TVTranscript
00:00T.E. Lawrence of Arabia Airport, 10.32 hours, 18th September 1975.
00:21If you do this one thing for me, Laura, I'll remember you forever.
00:26Excuse me, Mr. Secretary, sir. This is your captain speaking. We are about to land. I have to ask you to fasten your seatbelt.
00:33I hope you enjoyed your flight, and I have the pleasure of flying you again sometime in the future. Thank you, sir.
00:38Miss Goodbody is what exactly is happening here.
00:41Where, Dr. Grofman?
00:42Here, Miss Goodbody. I'm desirous of acquiring knowledge of the denouement of the motion picture. Does he get the girl?
00:48Yes, but only a leg and a breast. They're plane crashes, and they eat each other. Now, will you please fasten your safety belt?
00:56Wait just a minute. Miss Goodbody, we have here a problem that is in danger of escalating into an administrative crisis. Where is my diary?
01:04I need to know what day it is. I see Monday was Northern Rhodesia. Northern Ireland. Tuesday was Rhodesia.
01:10Where is my diary? I had it only when we took off. It has to be here somewhere. My diary! Gentlemen, my diary! I need it!
01:22We are about to land, so will you please sit down and fasten your belt? Thank you, sir.
01:28Dr. Gropinger, sir. Once again, sir, will you please sit down and fasten your safety belt?
01:34The process of landing has not escaped me as good, buddy. But I need my diary. I don't know where I am, or who I am supposed to be meeting next.
01:40Suffering from an infernal jet-lag situation of truly cosmic proportion.
01:46Get him!
02:16Come on!
02:20Mazel down!
02:46Come on!
03:16Come on!
03:34Washington, 1039 hours, 18th September, 1975.
03:39White House here.
03:46Tell them I'm out.
03:48No, no, this is the White House.
03:50The Chinese takeaway is 21664.
03:52This is 21164.
03:54That's okay, we got a lot of their calls.
03:58Now, just a minute, just a minute!
04:01Are you guys telling me he didn't know which country he was in?
04:12Affirmative, sir.
04:13At that moment in time, he was suffering from a jet lag situation.
04:17And as of now, he is suffering from a death situation.
04:21I mean, that as of now, of course, right?
04:23You just said as of now, sir.
04:24What?
04:25I just said you just said as of now twice already, sir.
04:29Don't call me sir.
04:30I'm the President.
04:32Now, tell me again saying Mr. President at the end of this sentence.
04:37I only said you just already said as of now twice already, Mr. President.
04:42Don't tell me what I just said.
04:43But you told me to tell you what I just said.
04:45Don't tell me what I just told you to say.
04:54Now, what was I saying?
04:55You.
04:58I can't say, sir.
04:59Tell me.
05:00No, sir.
05:01Are you disobeying an order?
05:02No, sir.
05:03I'm obeying an order.
05:04Who's giving the orders around here?
05:06You are, sir.
05:07Right.
05:08Good.
05:09Now we're getting somewhere.
05:11Don't call me sir.
05:12No, sir.
05:13That's better.
05:15Why did they shoot Chuck?
05:17You mean Henry, sir?
05:18Listen, I employed him.
05:20Don't you tell me what I call him.
05:22No, sir.
05:23No, Mr. President.
05:25Yes, Mr. President.
05:27That's better.
05:29Now, why did they shoot Chuck, sir?
05:33I don't like Chuck anymore.
05:36I'm going to call him Arnie.
05:38Now, why didn't Arnie know which country he was in?
05:41He had lost his diary.
05:42But you found it.
05:43Negative, sir.
05:49Negative, sir.
05:50You found a negative?
05:53I was speaking in the negative.
05:59You found it?
06:00He was speaking in the negative, too, Mr. President.
06:04You were speaking to me in the negative?
06:07Now hold it right there.
06:10There is a photograph of you speaking to me,
06:13and the negative was in Arnie's diary.
06:16Now this is serious.
06:20No, it isn't, Mr. President.
06:22Why not?
06:23It doesn't matter, sir.
06:24Mr. President.
06:25I tell him, Mr. President.
06:26It doesn't matter, Mr. President.
06:27It doesn't matter, Mr. President.
06:28It doesn't matter, Mr. President.
06:29Why are you telling me all this?
06:30I am a busy man.
06:32I am the president of this great country.
06:35Yes, sir.
06:36Well, it's like this, sir.
06:38We found this, Mr. President.
06:40It's very precious, sir.
06:42It's our only piece of evidence as of this moment in time.
06:45So far as of yet.
06:47We're having it tested for fingerprints later.
06:59Today, Dropinger.
07:01Tomorrow, the world.
07:04Moriarty.
07:05It has a London postmark, sir.
07:08Sir!
07:09Now, as I understand the situation...
07:17We have got an international crisis situation on our hands here.
07:20No, his widow isn't going to make trouble.
07:22She has money of her own.
07:24Good.
07:25That's good.
07:26That's very, very good.
07:29Fine.
07:30Yes, sir.
07:31Get on the first plane to London, France.
07:33I want you to get on top of this situation.
07:36I want an every hour, on the hour, situation report from you.
07:40Affirmative, Mr. President.
07:41Sir.
07:42That's my boy.
07:47Actually, read out about it.
07:49World leaders threaten.
07:51London, England, tea time.
07:5319th September, 1975.
07:58We have to accept a rethink of a whole new methodology
08:02to probe out the ongoing reevaluation of the potential situation.
08:07To seek out an overly acceptable situation,
08:10which is not only fundamentally low profile, as of now,
08:14but also operative at this time in a potential
08:17let sleeping dogs lie situation.
08:20And the ongoing ballpark options
08:23make the whole goddamn shebang, as of now,
08:26okay in our book at this moment in time.
08:33Right on, Comrade.
08:35If we don't make Moriarty inoperative as of now,
08:40it's an end of civilization as we know its situation.
08:48Thank you, Mr. Klein.
08:50Now, does anyone object if I continue in English?
08:54No?
08:55Oh, good.
08:56Well, now, I'm getting down to brass tacks,
09:05and to stop beating about the bush,
09:07and with no shilly-shallying.
09:13The point is that this, uh, this Mori, uh, Moriarty
09:17has given us five days to give him control of the world as we know it.
09:22And believe me, gentlemen, it's no idle threat.
09:25It is Gropinger.
09:27Now, look, wait a moment!
09:29Who the jumpin' wallabies does this Moriarty drongo think is?
09:34I mean, are we gonna take him seriously?
09:45Yes, I think that's answered his question.
09:52Miss Hoskins?
09:53Yes, Charles?
09:56Sir?
09:57Sir Charles?
09:58Inform New Scotland Yard and ring for some more tea.
10:01There's, uh, uh, a sniper in, um, a big, uh, thing.
10:07Uh, you can, uh, you can come out now, gentlemen.
10:11What?
10:12Oh, dear.
10:13Oh, as of now, at this moment in time,
10:15we are, uh, in a getting-out-from-under-the-table situation, Mr. Klein.
10:20I'm glad to hear that, Chief Superintendent.
10:23This am not the work of the real late great Professor Moriarty.
10:27He been down dead these damn 75 years, Buana.
10:32You've got a point there, Dr. Schmidt.
10:34Ask the computer if Moriarty is still alive, Miss Hoskins.
10:37Yes.
10:39I don't know what we'd do without these marvellous machines.
10:42It says no.
10:47Well then, gentlemen, in that case, I suggest that we, uh...
10:51What's it say now?
10:54It says you didn't say thank you.
10:56Yeah, well, tell it thank you and ask it if there really is a Moriarty.
11:00How do you program this bloody machine? Barbara can't them.
11:17We have the way with the computers in my country.
11:20That's more like it.
11:30Ask it which Moriarty it is.
11:33Miss Hoskins?
11:40Now, Mr. Computer Sonny Royster,
11:43you just tell us how we deal with this present-day Moriarty rapscallion.
11:55I think this is a job for the Chief Commissioner.
11:57And I think that we have got all the answers we need from this electric stool pigeon.
12:13Sometimes, just in a detail,
12:15as many people who pass with the engine to finish.
12:16He shot himself at the White Canal,
12:17the
12:28container's engine on the other side.
12:29I hope that we've started to think about it.
12:30I think a lot of people are coming out.
12:31I think it's this.
12:32That's not, no worries.
12:33It's this.
12:34I've forgotten to ourselves.
12:35That's so sad.
12:36That's so sad.
12:37It's a lot.
12:38It's a lot of people.
12:39I think it's really good to have at the beginning.
12:41I have an appointment with Mr. Holmes, Chief Commissioner Blocker of the Yard.
12:54Go right in, sir.
12:56Mr. Holmes will be back in a moment now.
13:11It's red with atmosphere, isn't it, sir?
13:37Yes, it certainly is.
13:41Oh, I love leather.
13:48Oh, you wouldn't care for some of our grand royal African special selection.
13:56No, thank you.
14:00Mr. Holmes' favourite.
14:04Oh, sit yourself down, sir.
14:07He'll be back in a wee while.
14:19Oh, my God.
14:49Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. You're hurting, Mike.
14:57Holmes? Holmes?
15:01Holmes? Holmes?
15:10Holmes! Holmes!
15:12I warn you, my friend.
15:14I can't hesitate to use this.
15:16Don't move.
15:17I can't wait, will you? Can't you see I'm on a case?
15:22That's your misery, you great fool.
15:25All you have together.
15:26The cheek of Mr. Scott and John again, any?
15:28Yes, thank you, Mrs. Hudson. That'll be all.
15:30Give up. I placed those clothes yesterday.
15:33That'll be all. Mrs. Hudson, thank you so much.
15:37That'll be all.
15:38Oh, my dear sir, I pray for you, my rather unorthodox reading.
15:44I took you for an intruder.
15:46Are you fully recovered?
15:47Oh, somewhat shaken, Holmes, but I've got you, you stupid bastard.
15:53Well, sit for tappy, Holmes.
15:55Quite, quite, quite.
15:57Fair do's, Commissioner.
15:58Pax.
15:59Oh, and pray be seated.
16:01Ah, thank you very much.
16:07Would you forgive me for one moment if I moaned?
16:10Certainly.
16:18Now, perhaps you would be so kind as to tell me to wander.
16:22Good fortune I owe the pleasure of this visit.
16:24You moaned, sir?
16:28It's nothing, thank you, Mrs. Hudson.
16:30You wouldn't care for some of your special sniffing salts.
16:35And that'll be all, thank you, Mrs. Hudson.
16:40Incidentally, Commissioner, I assume you are here as the emissary of a personage so eminent
16:45that his identity must remain a secret even to me.
16:48The Prime Minister himself.
16:49Exactly.
16:50And on a matter of the gravest national importance which has baffled the finest minds of the
16:55police forces of five continents in a failure to find a rapid solution to which will plunge
16:59this country into the most desperately perilous situation.
17:02Exactly.
17:03Sounds pretty straightforward.
17:05Would you care for some tea?
17:07Oh, thank you.
17:10You wouldn't care for something a little more illegal?
17:14No, not while I'm on duty, sir.
17:17Quite, quite.
17:18Oh, incidentally, you may be interested to know that this matter concerns a descendant
17:22of your grandfather's most notorious enemy.
17:24Moriarty!
17:25Holmes!
17:26Holmes!
17:26Cooey, I'm home!
17:27Oh, good afternoon.
17:29Yes, good lord.
17:31Are you looking for something, Holmes?
17:32No, I am not looking for something, Watson.
17:34Good lord.
17:35Good lord.
17:36You're bleeding.
17:38You all right?
17:39Just a gas, Watson.
17:40Just a gaping wound.
17:42Good lord.
17:44Commissioner, may I introduce my friend and colleague, Dr. Watson?
17:48Watson, her grandson officer.
17:49Oh, how do you do, Dr. Watson?
17:50How do you do, Commissioner?
17:52What cinema do you work in?
17:53What?
17:54Um, can you cut yourself shaving?
17:56You should have some sellotape on that.
17:58I am a doctor, you know.
17:59Uh, the Commissioner of Police
18:01is about to outline a case for us, Watson.
18:06Good lord.
18:07It concerns none other than the infamous Professor Moriarty.
18:17Moriarty?
18:18Watson!
18:18Uh, let me explain, sir.
18:20That devil?
18:21Watson.
18:22I thought he was dead, Holmes.
18:23He is Watson.
18:25Good lord.
18:27Thank heavens.
18:29Oh.
18:30Well, we soon thought of that one out, didn't we, Holmes?
18:32You may speak freely in front of Dr. Watson, Commissioner.
18:35He is my most trusted friend and associate.
18:37Besides that, he understands very little.
18:42Thank you, Holmes.
18:44You see?
18:45Yeah.
18:47You've, uh, no doubt read, Mr. Holmes.
18:50Good lord.
18:52Read in the, uh, newspapers.
18:54Great, Scott.
18:55Of certain mysterious incidents.
19:01The unexpected but accurate bisecting of the Belgian foreign minister,
19:05the Royal College of Needlework massacre,
19:08the strange affair of the seven boiled bishops,
19:11and the man-eating poodles of Lambeth Palace enigma?
19:15No.
19:16Good lord.
19:16Just as I thought.
19:18No, I'm referring to the mysterious shooting of Dr. Gropiger.
19:22We believe this to be the work of one man.
19:24Good lord, shut up.
19:26Certainly.
19:27This is all we have to go on.
19:29Found in Dr. Gropiger's play.
19:36Moriarty.
19:37Where?
19:38Here.
19:39Oh, heat wine.
19:47So Moriarty has given civilization, as we know it, five days to live.
19:52How do you know that?
19:53It says so, here.
19:56Amazing.
19:57You'll never cease to astound with us.
19:58Look, our computer says that this Moriarty is the sole surviving relative of the professor.
20:03Now, there is to be a meeting at the yard within the hour.
20:04Will you be the host?
20:05I shall, Commissioner.
20:07With Dr. Watson, of course.
20:09Oh.
20:11He's not a brain box, Commissioner,
20:12but he's loyal, trustworthy, and brave as a lion.
20:15Also,
20:16he's promptly bionic.
20:19Bionic?
20:22Just his nose
20:23and his legs.
20:25But if there's any tracking to be done,
20:31he's our man.
20:32Right.
20:33Good day, Holmes.
20:35Thank you, Commissioner.
20:39Right, Watson.
20:40The tracer's on and the game's afoot.
20:43Don't forget Partners!
20:45Let's get my skin back then.
20:46Let's get it.
20:47And I'll get my skin back then.
20:48Please let me out of the room here.
20:50O'Rourkez!
20:52O'Rourkez!
21:03O'Rourkez!
21:13Watson!
21:15He's choking. I've seen this before in the Middle East.
21:22Cough it up, you'll soon feel better.
21:25Better out than in, you know.
21:28It's all right, I'm a doctor, you know.
21:35Watson, look!
21:37Good Lord. He's been stabbed.
21:39How did you know that?
21:41He's got a knife stick in his back, hasn't he?
21:44Amazing.
21:46Your powers of deduction never cease to astound me.
21:49It hasn't penetrated further. He'll live all right.
21:51Good show.
21:52The Ascendant must...
21:53Wait here, Watson.
21:59You're tea, Dr. Watson?
22:01Oh.
22:03You're a murder! What is the one I'm here?
22:07Cut the coon talk, Mrs. Hudson, will you?
22:10We've got a stabbing on our hands.
22:12Good Lord!
22:14That's exactly what I said.
22:15My very words, St. Craig.
22:17Is he dead?
22:18No, no, no, I'm just...
22:19But...
22:24There.
22:25But that'll kill him!
22:26What?
22:27If you pull the knife out, you'll allow the hemorrhaging to start.
22:34Good Lord.
22:35Good Lord.
22:36She's right.
22:45It's for your own good, old man.
22:47Don't worry.
22:50I have a doctor, you're old.
22:51Oh!
22:52Oh!
23:00Hello?
23:01Hello?
23:02Hello?
23:09Oh.
23:10Hello, Watson.
23:11I'm a little bit around Holmes.
23:13He's taken a turn for the worse, I'm afraid.
23:19Terribly ill.
23:21In fact, he's so desperately ill, he's dead.
23:26The knife was removed and then reinserted in an attempt to stop the hemorrhaging caused by its removal.
23:35The second insertion was the cause of death.
23:40Good Lord. How do you know that?
23:44I was watching you, you birds. I could not believe my eyes. I have to work with this.
23:48I mean, I leave you here for 20 seconds with the top policeman in Britain and you kill him!
23:53England, London, the 10.52 hours, September 20th, 1975.
23:59Yes, please.
24:10Two to Scott on the art, please.
24:12What do you mean, two? What about him?
24:14Who?
24:15Him.
24:16No, no, no. This is a parcel.
24:19No, no, man. The passenger in the brown paper suit.
24:24No, no, it's a parcel, believe you me.
24:26Hey, you ain't there! Come out and pay your fare like a man, man.
24:29It may look like a man, but in actual fact, it isn't.
24:33Then what it is?
24:35Well, it's brown paper wrapped round something.
24:39What?
24:44It's a sort of model of the Chief Commissioner of Scotland Yard.
24:48And it doesn't work anymore, so I'm taking it back.
24:51I'm going to inspect this model of yours.
24:54All right. Three to Scotland Yard.
25:07Wait a moment.
25:10He am dead.
25:11Well, it doesn't matter. I'll pay for him.
25:14He am dead.
25:16So, he goes under the stairs because he am a parcel.
25:21What?
25:22That's two to Scotland Yard.
25:24And it shows up respect to the parcel.
25:26Now, just a minute, honky.
25:28I run this bus, you know.
25:30I can do anything I like, you know.
25:31I can throw you all on.
25:32I can put you under these stairs.
25:34I can kill you with my bare hands if I have to.
25:37Bounce! Bounce!
25:39Hey, you!
25:40No smoking on the lower deck.
25:43It's all right, Conductor. It's not tobacco.
25:45Hey, you got the certain substances in there, eh?
25:55Lord, you should be of the front with him.
25:5810.59 hours, September 20th, 1975. New England Yard, Scotland, London.
26:08Oh, well, I'll figure it out. What are you about?
26:11Oh, well.
26:13Gentlemen.
26:14Now, gentlemen.
26:15Uh, Mr. Holmes and Dr. Watson will be with us in a moment.
26:19Now, the purpose of this meeting is to agree upon a plan.
26:22A plan which will enable us to move against Moriarty.
26:25And remember, gentlemen, this fee will stop at nothing.
26:28Oh, take free, Blake. Take free.
26:31Your suggestions, gentlemen.
26:43I suggest we do nothing.
26:47Nothing.
26:49Nothing.
26:51Nothing?
26:53Exactly.
26:54We all know this madman, this international bedbag, who will stop at nothing.
27:00So if we do nothing, perhaps he will stop at it.
27:08Clever.
27:09Very clever.
27:11Now, wait a moment.
27:13You mean he won't stop at anything, so if we do anything, it's not gonna stop him?
27:19On the bottom.
27:21Aye.
27:22That's good, you cunning old F.O.U.
27:25Now, gentlemen, please.
27:26Order.
27:27Order.
27:28It's an old trick, Superintendent, but it might just work.
27:33Yes, I think you're all taking me too literally.
27:39Please.
27:40Please.
27:41Expose flaw in argument.
27:42Oh, no, wait a minute.
27:43Wait a minute.
27:44Wait a minute.
27:45He will stop at nothing.
27:50Wait a minute.
27:51Wait.
27:52Wait a minute.
27:53Wait a minute.
27:54Wait a minute.
27:55Wait a minute.
27:57Wait a minute.
27:58How will he know we are doing nothing?
28:03he won't stop so we do absolutely nothing
28:14wait wait wait wait wait how will he know we are doing nothing we'll announce it at a press
28:22conference he'll never believe us on the other hand if we announce we're doing something
28:29he may suspect we're lying and stop sounds pretty good to me
28:50yes i'll deal with this would you watch and let's go on ahead
28:54yes tell the commissioner secretary that he's back from lunch and wants to go down to forensics
29:01what do you want to go down there i think he french is having a bit of a post-mortem
29:05yes mr holmes and dr watson sir oh shalomane please gentlemen
29:24mr holmes and dr watson oh thank you
29:26uh mr ums can i introduce a phil tongue of pekin
29:44the judas klein of the fbi
29:48yes yes very good
29:49and superintendent mclennan of australia replacing a colleague who was so unfortunately shot
29:57yesterday oh good eye hey good on this block
30:08quick down
30:12everyone all right
30:15oh dear could one of you possibly tell them they were furious about the first
30:19yeah look he's trapped help help homes so he is quite right
30:31oh
30:46oh
30:54oh
30:58oh
31:01That's not the war, isn't it?
31:03It is indeed, Mrs. uh...
31:05Superintendent, you gotta do something about that sniper!
31:09Are you panicking, Clarence? Panicking? He's been out there for six hours!
31:13Realm wasn't built in a day, Clarence.
31:15Man, you gotta do something!
31:17Oh, very well. Well, by very busy today, the Queen's got one of her lunches on.
31:21One of her lunches? I've never seen such incredible incompetence!
31:25Such typically pretty!
31:27Are you listening to me? Are you listening to me?
31:29Are you listening to me?
31:31Oh, no.
31:33That's all done anyway.
31:39Crikey!
31:40He's going through us like a dose of salt, isn't he?
31:43Yes, well, I suggest we agree a plan while there are still some of us left.
31:47What a good idea, Holmes.
31:49How about a convention to which we invite all the world's most distinguished detectives?
31:54It would be a dreadful temptation to try and kill all of them off at one fell swoop.
31:58Steady on, Holmes.
31:59You wouldn't really try to do that, would you?
32:00No, no, I wouldn't, Watson, no.
32:01But Moriarty would.
32:02Good Lord, you're right.
32:03He would too, the devil.
32:04And when he makes his first move?
32:05And when he makes his first move?
32:07Oh, no.
32:08Oh, no.
32:09Oh, no.
32:10Oh, no.
32:11Carlton Hotel, England, Surrey.
32:12Carlton Hotel, England, Surrey.
32:131639 hours, 22nd September 1975.
32:14Carlton Hotel, England, Surrey.
32:151639 hours, 22nd September 1975.
32:16The last day before the end of Civil War.
32:17The last day before the end of Civil War.
32:18The last day before the end of Civil War.
32:22Sorry about the length of this caption, but it is the last one.
32:23The last day before the end of Civil War.
32:24The last day before the end of Civil War.
32:25The last day before the end of Civil War.
32:29The last day before the end of Civil War.
32:30The last day before the end of Civil War.
32:34I'll be right.
32:35As it is, Carlton Hotel, England, Surrey.
32:39The last day before the end of Civil War.
32:44The last day before the end of Civil War.
32:47Sorry about the length of this caption, but it is the last one.
32:59Excusez-moi, je m'appelle Hercule Pran.
33:14C'est parti.
33:16C'est parti.
33:23Your tea, Dr. Watson.
33:25I prepared it myself.
33:26I put something in it for the inner man.
33:29Oh, thank you, Mrs. Watson.
33:31Oh, Mr. Hercule, his parent, has just arrived.
33:34I made him comfortable.
33:36Good, Sheriff.
33:37Good Lord.
33:42That's rather good.
33:48Whatever did you slip in it?
33:50A drambuille, washing soda, and a splitter TCP.
33:54It's an old hiring sheep deep breast.
33:56Really?
33:57I must make a note of that till my doctor in the morning.
34:00Oh!
34:08Holmes!
34:09We're over here!
34:10Cooey!
34:11Holmes!
34:12I say...
34:13Here we are!
34:15I say...
34:16Whee!
34:24Come to a penny, Moriarty has this place under surveillance, Watson.
34:28Good Lord, yes, of course.
34:32Why are you dressed like that?
34:35It's a disguise, Watson.
34:37Really?
34:40I do hope so it is.
34:41It's very good, isn't it, Mrs. Hudson?
34:42I'm not sure.
34:43Who's it supposed to be, sir?
34:45It's supposed to...
34:46Don't tell us.
34:47Let's guess.
34:51Oh, would it be Prince Philip, sir?
34:55Well, at least you got the nationality right, Mrs. Hudson.
34:58Is it a man, Holmes?
34:59Of course it's a man, Watson!
35:04I've got it.
35:08It's you.
35:10No, it is not me.
35:11It is Kojak!
35:12Where?
35:14Here!
35:15Here!
35:16Who loves you, baby?
35:18Eh, Watson?
35:19Eh?
35:20Kojak!
35:21Oh, Kojak!
35:23The camera people!
35:25I didn't know they were Greeks!
35:26No, no, Mrs. Hudson.
35:27A Kojak!
35:28A detective from television!
35:30Oh!
35:32Well, I hope you didn't pay a lot of money for it, sir.
35:35It's not terribly convincing.
35:36Well, it was the only one they had left.
35:37Well, I take it back if I were you, sir.
35:39It's discreet.
35:40Yes, thank you, Mrs. Hudson.
35:41That'll be all.
35:42Not to be ashamed!
35:43Charging people good money for trash like that!
35:45Thank you, Mrs. Hudson.
35:46That'll be all.
35:47So, my kid!
35:48Be quiet, Mrs. Hudson.
35:49Oh, you poor!
35:50We saw you fighting sweetest from a baby!
35:52Would you just, just, just go and tell me when all the guests arrive, will you please, Mrs. Hudson?
35:56Oh!
35:57And they can send men to the moon!
36:22I see you've got a typical London peace super here, your Grace!
36:30Lieutenant Colombo, have it fixed and get my wife to pick it up, will you?
36:38Horrific!
36:40They won't all be here for a while, Watson.
36:42We'll wait upstairs.
36:43Why, Joe, that's good.
36:44Ham's?
36:45Brilliant.
36:46What?
36:47Your idea of going upstairs.
36:48Brilliant.
36:49Keep ticking over, Miss Money Package.
37:08Stay cool, M. Baby.
37:12It's only 4.53.
37:14Quick, Watson.
37:15Get a crossword.
37:16There are several moments to lose.
37:18Yes, Holmes.
37:21I said, Holmes.
37:22Do you really think Moriarty will come?
37:24Of course.
37:25Do you think he could resist a challenge like this, Watson?
37:29What's he going to look like?
37:31We don't know, Watson.
37:32We just, er, know he could come...
37:37...as any one of them.
37:39Steve McGarrett here.
37:40Patch me through Y5O.
37:43Farrow here, Steve.
37:44Hello, Donna.
37:45I've arrived safely in Limeland.
37:47Over.
37:50And out.
37:51Steve.
37:52Speak to you, Steve.
37:54He's a master of disguise, Watson.
37:56I'll bet he is, too.
37:57The devil.
37:58There's just one way to recognize him.
38:00He has an unmistakable high-pitched laugh.
38:03I heard it once in the Odeon at Kabul.
38:05Good Lord.
38:07Well, how are you going to get him to laugh?
38:10I have an emergency joke here.
38:12Prepared for me by the staff.
38:14It's a special branch.
38:15It's what they call a solid gold woofer.
38:19Give me a clue, Watson.
38:21I don't know any solid gold woofers.
38:23No, no, no.
38:24From the crossword.
38:25Oh, I'm sorry.
38:27One across.
38:29A simple source of citrus fruit.
38:32One, five and four.
38:35A lemon tree, my dear Watson.
38:39A what?
38:40A lemon tree, my dear Watson.
38:46Calm down there, sweetheart.
38:47That's me.
38:48Oh, it was the same spoon.
38:50Let's call a spade a spade.
38:53Okay, boys.
38:55This is the end of the line for you.
38:57That's terrible.
38:58That is the worst impersonation of me I have ever...
39:02Nice shooting, Watson, baby.
39:07You lousy mimic, you.
39:11Two down.
39:12Two down.
39:14Conservative pays ex-wife maintenance.
39:17Seven and four.
39:21Alimony...
39:23Alimony tory, my dear Watson.
39:30Never cease to astound me.
39:32This way, Mr. Parrot.
39:33Merci.
39:43Who's a pretty boy, then?
39:53Three down.
39:55Southern California style.
39:57One, two, and eight.
39:59Eight.
40:02A la Monterey, my dear Watson.
40:07Very good, Harold.
40:10Ah.
40:12Mr. James Bond?
40:13No.
40:15Not any of them?
40:16No, I'm Em.
40:18I felt it was time that I had some of the action.
40:20Are you licensed to be killed?
40:22I don't think they said anything about that.
40:24Well, we just have to risk you, won't we?
40:28Action.
40:30Four down.
40:31Burglar's entrance.
40:33Five and five.
40:35Alarm entry, my dear Watson.
40:40That's rather poor, isn't it, Ham?
40:51And you are?
40:53MacLeod's the name.
40:55Doctor Watson, I presume.
40:57Correct.
40:59Now then, where can I park my horse?
41:02Right, one to go.
41:04A cowardly fish with a sting in its tail.
41:09Yellow manta ray, my dear Watson.
41:13Brilliant hole.
41:15B-R-A-L-M-T.
41:20Right, that's the lock.
41:21That's the lock.
41:23I think I'll just pop down and see if they've all arrived.
41:31There you go.
41:33After yourself.
41:38Engines!
41:39And there you go, Mr. O'Claire.
41:53Good Lord.
41:54Good Lord.
41:56Good Lord.
41:58I'm terribly sorry but your face looks awfully familiar.
42:00Looks awfully familiar.
42:02You didn't sit next to me at school, did you?
42:07I've got it.
42:09It's Watson, isn't it?
42:14Watson.
42:16It does ring a bell.
42:17Doctor Watson.
42:19How do you do, Doctor?
42:20Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well.
42:23Good Lord.
42:24Ah, hello you two, there you are.
42:30Hello, Holmes.
42:31Hello, Holmes.
42:39I believe you know Doctor Watson.
42:46Arthur Sherlock Holmes, Bill Watson.
42:49How do you do?
42:50Claire Holmes.
42:51You know Doctor Watson, obviously.
42:53Eighteen years, actually.
42:55Same as us.
42:57Gentlemen,
42:58I shall come straight to the heart of the matter.
43:00Prepare yourselves for a shock.
43:01And only one of you
43:02is Doctor Watson.
43:04Good Lord.
43:05Good Lord.
43:06Lord.
43:07Now, don't start that.
43:08I'm sorry, Holmes.
43:09No.
43:10Good Lord.
43:11Stop it.
43:12Sorry, Holmes.
43:13Sir, one of you is Watson.
43:15But which?
43:17We could be twins.
43:19What?
43:20Well, supposing we were twins,
43:21we'd both be Watson then.
43:22Have you got a twin, Watson?
43:23No.
43:24But he might have.
43:25But if he had a twin,
43:27it couldn't be you, could it?
43:29Why not?
43:30Because you'd know.
43:31How?
43:32Because you'd be him.
43:34Good Lord.
43:35So I would.
43:36So, one of you is an imposter.
43:37Is it me?
43:38What?
43:39Am I the imposter?
43:40You mean you don't know?
43:41No.
43:42You're the detective, Holmes.
43:43Well, I haven't worked it out yet.
43:44Well, how am I supposed to know then?
43:45Because if you're the imposter, you're imposting.
43:46And if you're not imposting, you're not.
43:47I mean, how can anything be simpler than that?
43:48Beyond me.
43:49Right, sir.
43:50Leave it to him.
43:51He'll sort it out.
43:52Very well.
43:53Why do the Arabs have all the oil,
43:54and the Irish all the potatoes?
43:55No, sir.
43:56Any of you?
43:57No, sir.
43:58You're not.
43:59I mean, how can anything be simpler than that?
44:00I mean, how can anything be simpler than that?
44:02Beyond me.
44:03Right, sir.
44:04Leave it to him.
44:05He'll sort it out.
44:08Very well.
44:17Why do the Arabs have all the oil,
44:19and the Irish all the potatoes?
44:22potatoes. I don't know, Holmes. Why do the Arabs have all the oil and the Irish have all the potatoes?
44:28Because the Irish had first pick.
44:36Don't the Arabs like potatoes?
44:39What?
44:41No, no. The Irish had the first pick. Oh, I see.
44:45They used the pick to dig out the potato.
44:49No, no. They had the first choice. A choice between them.
44:53Why was the choice between the Arabs and the Irish? What happened to good old England?
44:57No, the choice was between the oil and the potatoes.
45:01Oh, I see. You mean if the Irish had chosen both, they could have cooked potatoes in the oil?
45:06Well, that's clever.
45:07No. Look, the Arabs and the Irish, right, had a choice.
45:14Oh, forget it. Forget it. It's hopeless. Hopeless. Forget it. It doesn't matter.
45:19Wait. I have an idea.
45:23You know the engraved meersaum the Charles Percy presented to me?
45:28Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
45:31Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
45:34Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
45:36Oh, that really is funny.
45:38Oh, Jesus.
45:40Oh, that is funny, Holmes.
45:44It's not a joke, it's a question.
45:47Oh.
45:48Now, where do I keep it?
45:52You.
45:53In the secret compartment, at the back of the second drawer in your writing desk.
45:56You?
45:57With the potatoes?
46:04I deduce, then, that you are the imposter.
46:10And you, the real Watson.
46:16Oh, thank goodness.
46:19You're a clever swine, Holmes.
46:22From you, that's a compliment.
46:25But, Holmes, how did you know that I was the real Watson?
46:29Because you're so sodding dim.
46:32So consistently, relentlessly, almost magically half-witted.
46:40Oh, I see.
46:41Might get this clever.
46:43But, if I'm the real Watson...
46:46Hands up, gentlemen.
46:49Or I'll be forced to decorate this lobby with your entrails.
46:53It's Mrs. Hudson.
46:54Exactly, Watson.
46:55You mean you knew all the time?
46:57Since 1964?
46:59Oh, yes.
47:01Then tell me, Mr. Cleverdick Smart, I like no at all, Holmes.
47:04Why did you let me slaughter all of them?
47:06Nobody likes competition, Mrs. Hudson.
47:11That's right.
47:14Least of all me.
47:19But, no!
47:21The moment of reckoning has arrived!
47:24What moment of reckoning, Mrs. Hudson?
47:27Why?
47:28Because, Watson, Mrs. Hudson is really Francine Moriarty, granddaughter of the infamous Professor.
47:35Right, Mrs. Hudson?
47:36Spot on, Holmesy, baby!
47:39American!
47:43Move!
47:44Move!
47:45Move!
47:46Move!
47:47Move!
47:48Move!
47:49Move!
47:50Move!
47:51Move!
47:52Move!
47:53Move!
47:54Move!
47:55Move!
47:56Move!
47:57Move!
47:58Move!
47:59My God, Mrs. Hudson, you're...
48:02Beautiful!
48:03Stoning!
48:04Better than elementary, my dear Watson.
48:08And now...
48:10Oh, no.
48:11No, Mrs. Hudson.
48:12You wouldn't.
48:13Yes, I would, Dr. Watson.
48:15No, you wouldn't.
48:16Yes, I would.
48:17No, you wouldn't.
48:22She did, Holmes?
48:23Yes, she did.
48:24Now, give me that gun, Mrs. Hudson, before you hurt somebody.
48:27She already has, Holmes.
48:29Somebody important, Watson.
48:30Oh, I see.
48:31Get back, Holmes!
48:34I've got something to tell you before you die.
48:38When my grandfather lay drowning at the foot of Reichenbach.
48:41Is that a Reichenbach?
48:42Reichenbach?
48:43Reichenbach.
48:44Reichenbach falls.
48:45I swore to him then that I would never rest till the last trace of the Holmeses was wiped
48:49from the face of the earth.
48:50I can understand that.
48:51But why must you destroy civilization, as we know it, as well?
48:56He runs in the family.
48:58So, it's come to this after all these years, Mrs. Hudson.
49:01You think sustaining that dumb Scottish accent was fun?
49:05Adios.
49:10Thank you, Mrs. Hudson.
49:11That'll be all.
49:16You're fired, Mrs. Hudson.
49:17Ms. Moriarty to you, you lunnish meal.
49:24Give me that gun.
49:25Uh-uh.
49:30I said, give me that gun.
49:32I'm gonna count to three.
49:35One.
49:36Two.
49:37Three.
49:38I'm gonna count to three.
49:39One.
49:40Two.
49:42Three.
49:43One.
49:44Two.
49:45Three.
49:46One.
49:47One.
49:48One.
49:50One.
49:51One.
49:52One.
49:53One.
49:54One.
49:55One.
49:56One.
49:58One.
49:59One.
50:00One.
50:01One.
50:02One.
50:03One.
50:04One.
50:05One.
50:06Don't say you haven't been warned.
50:08Godfrey Daniels!
50:09You're indestructible!
50:11Not really.
50:13You see, Ms. Moriarty, what you don't know is that before we left for this convention,
50:18I told Watson here to fill your pistol with blanks.
50:22Didn't I, Watson?
50:23You did, Holmes.
50:24Suffering.
50:25Get me.
50:26But Holmes.
50:27And so, you see, the tables are turned.
50:30Holmes.
50:31Quiet, Watson.
50:32It is we, the Holmeses, who have triumphed over the Moriartys.
50:35Holmes!
50:36Final retribution will be made.
50:38I forgot...
50:39The last trace of your evil breed will be extirpated from this planet.
50:44And decent people will be able to lie abed at nights.
50:54What did you say?
50:56I forgot to change the bullets.
51:00You forgot?
51:01After all, there was a lot to do.
51:03Look at that.
51:04Look at it.
51:05I know.
51:06I'm also sorry, Holmes.
51:07Sorry?
51:08Oh, you're sorry.
51:09Oh, he says he's sorry.
51:10He's sorry.
51:11Oh, well, that's all right then, isn't it?
51:12Nothing to worry about then, am I?
51:13Not if you're sorry.
51:14No!
51:15No!
51:16Pillock!
51:17Ciao for now, Holmes, sweet Holmes.
51:19If you'll forgive me, I have to destroy civilization as we know it.
51:23I don't know how to apologize.
51:24What's...
51:25She's forgotten something.
51:26What?
51:27Your biolic bits.
51:28Has she?
51:29Quick!
51:30The weight!
51:31The weight!
51:32Oh, I'm so sorry.
51:33I'm so sorry.
51:34You, Millock!
51:35I'm so sorry.
51:36You, Millock!
51:37Ciao for now, Holmes, sweet Holmes.
51:39If you'll forgive me, I have to destroy civilization as we know it.
51:43I don't know how to apologize.
51:48What's...
51:49She's forgotten something.
51:50What?
51:51Your biolic bits.
51:52Is she?
51:53Quick!
51:54The weight!
51:55Good work!
51:56The wig!
51:57Ah.
51:58Don't think it's going to be quite my size.
52:02No, no, no!
52:03Smell it!
52:04Oh.
52:05Oh.
52:14Go!
52:15Get her, boy!
52:26Brilliant, Watson.
52:36Spot on.
52:38Oh, it'll be nice being dead.
52:40I'll be able to get a few things done.
52:43Oh!
52:45Oh!
52:47Stop turning out of shorts.
53:01Stop turning out like a baby.
53:05Stop turning out yet.
53:07Or a bee.
53:09Are you actuallyicans?
53:11make it out?
54:12As Dr. Watson fractured his skull, will Holmes really die?
54:19Will Francine Moriarty escape unharmed and succeed in her plan to destroy civilization as we know it?
54:24Yes.
54:25Oh.
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