- 12 hours ago
First broadcast 7th January 1993.
The Winchester is about to take part in a quiz against a rival pub and Arthur picks Marty 'Brains' Goldblum, a man with an encyclopaedic general knowledge, for the home team.
George Cole - Arthur
Gary Webster - Ray
Glynn Edwards - Dave
Nicholas Day - D.S. Morley
Jonty Stephens - D.C. Field
Kenneth Cranham - Walter
Allan Corduner - Marty
Sidney Livingstone - Bert
Lill Roughley - Doreen
David Howey - Quiz Master
Mark Brignal - Governor
Bill Moody - Fast Eddie
Simon Kunz - Anderson
Sukie Smith - Building Society Cashier
Tony Collins - Cabbie
David Hounslow - Trevor
Joanna Brookes - Cinema Cashier
Dave Atkins - Car Lot Man
Diana Payan - Librarian
John Barrard - Baths Attendant
Kit Hillier - Winchester Club Patron
Lew Hooper - Quiz Team Member
Stuart Myers - Quiz Team Member
Peter Roy - Quiz Team Supporter
Harry Van Engel - Winchester Club Patron
Fred Wood - Man in Library
The Winchester is about to take part in a quiz against a rival pub and Arthur picks Marty 'Brains' Goldblum, a man with an encyclopaedic general knowledge, for the home team.
George Cole - Arthur
Gary Webster - Ray
Glynn Edwards - Dave
Nicholas Day - D.S. Morley
Jonty Stephens - D.C. Field
Kenneth Cranham - Walter
Allan Corduner - Marty
Sidney Livingstone - Bert
Lill Roughley - Doreen
David Howey - Quiz Master
Mark Brignal - Governor
Bill Moody - Fast Eddie
Simon Kunz - Anderson
Sukie Smith - Building Society Cashier
Tony Collins - Cabbie
David Hounslow - Trevor
Joanna Brookes - Cinema Cashier
Dave Atkins - Car Lot Man
Diana Payan - Librarian
John Barrard - Baths Attendant
Kit Hillier - Winchester Club Patron
Lew Hooper - Quiz Team Member
Stuart Myers - Quiz Team Member
Peter Roy - Quiz Team Supporter
Harry Van Engel - Winchester Club Patron
Fred Wood - Man in Library
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:16well I'm thinking don't offer let it all gush out please it's not a Spanish
00:24takeaway we're dealing with it's hard to be savored give us a blast of the ice
00:33cream one again right fast Eddie's right he has got something feel the ears on the back
00:38of your neck standing on it it's probably a draft I'll have a look at the door you got
00:44the words absolutely Arthur mind you the kind of person you'll be sending these to
00:52they'll probably know these off by art
00:54hmm
01:00so
01:06so
01:33and in again sir
01:39just the 10
01:41yes
01:44like snakes and ladders
01:46what is this game saving gradually building higher and higher and then whoosh back to the start
01:52with it all to do again
01:57still if you had fun spending it
02:03oh are you careful that's great art you're chucking about
02:06well 101 operatic favorites for you to accompany
02:09sing along with Luciano brilliant can't see it myself
02:12extend your horizons Ray look beyond Neesden and Pinner
02:15it's a big world
02:16so
02:18Amstead
02:18what would someone in Amstead want one with a posh karaoke team
02:21I know these people Ray
02:23they get home from work park the old four sprung do a quatsit in the drive
02:26in a lot steaming bath with a G&T on the side
02:28just right for a few choruses with the old Duce
02:30get rid of all that executive stress
02:32I bet you don't shift half of them
02:33that is the trouble with you Raymond
02:35only think about what you can get out of life not what you can put into it
02:38come again
02:38I am one of life's philanthropists like Getty
02:42and like him I am not averse to making a few pennies
02:44but it is permissible to do something for the greater good
02:48I didn't know you was interested in music Arthur
02:50what?
02:51Bright and grand
02:531949
02:54Albert Sander and his orchestra
02:56music wafting across the dance floor in a haze of
02:59brilliant teen and midnight in Paris
03:01heard indoors radiant in chiffon
03:05oh I've seen what great art can do to a man
03:08what happened?
03:10what?
03:10what happened?
03:12oh I succumbed to the majesty of the experience Ray
03:14went down on one knee took her indoors hand
03:18the rest is history
03:22yeah but Arthur I mean about these tapes
03:24Raymond these tapes will inspire people to great deeds
03:28and in spite of what you think they will sell like hot cakes
03:30oh yeah
03:32oh yeah
04:15Oh, hello, Dave.
04:18Ah, no, can't it wait, Dave? I'm rather heavily scheduled today.
04:23Oh, all right, all right, all right.
04:25I was going to have Ray drop one or two items into you,
04:27but I'll bring them around myself.
04:29Yeah, yeah. Yeah, all right. I'll see you later.
04:32Yeah. Hello.
04:35I think he's done this before, didn't he?
04:51Thank God for that.
04:53These ass killed my stomach.
04:54What do you fancy?
04:56The haddock and chips.
05:01Now, make it a battered sausage.
05:08I thought we might sell a few over the bar
05:10to the more discerning customers.
05:12Bung them next to the pistachio nuts.
05:16My problem, Arthur, what I need to talk to you about is...
05:21Fire away, Dave.
05:22Far be it from me to show a lack of sensitivity.
05:25It's them beer mats, Arthur.
05:27Have a look.
05:30Can your club get the old grey matter buzzing?
05:33What is it?
05:34Beekeepers' Association?
05:35Have a deck out the back.
05:38Answer this simple...
05:40What animal, when sucked, secretes adrenaline?
05:44It's a toad.
05:46It's one of them useless bits of information you pick up.
05:49Anyway, we're in.
05:51Who is?
05:51The Winchester.
05:52Into the 1992 Mega Knowledge Knockout Quiz West London section.
05:57It's to be held here.
06:07Coffee machine's broken again.
06:09Sarge?
06:10The coffee machine.
06:11It's kaput.
06:13Again.
06:14No, I'm sorry.
06:15The pressure's a few perks on this job.
06:17We're not in it for the money after all.
06:22You all right, Sarge?
06:24Is it this Tuesday morning business?
06:27What Tuesday morning business?
06:29Well, you know how you get.
06:31A bit tense.
06:32I'm feeling perfectly all right, thank you.
06:35In fact, I'm beginning to feel immeasurably better.
06:43Come on.
06:47You've got to be slaughtered, Arthur.
06:49And on the old manner.
06:51It's keeping me awake nights.
06:52How many per team?
06:53I need three more.
06:55Only three, is that all?
06:56Well, there must be hundreds of budding Magnus Magnuses in here every day.
07:00I checked last night, Arthur.
07:01We have got two general certificates and about 105 years of suspended sentence between us.
07:08Here, Arthur.
07:09You wouldn't consider...
07:10Oh, no, no.
07:10Absolutely not.
07:11Barbaric.
07:12Plundering the vaults of human learning for material gain.
07:15You are worse than rain.
07:17Nothing sacred these days.
07:18I only did it for a lark, Arthur.
07:19Oh, the 1,500 quid prize money had nothing to do with it.
07:24Well, well, well.
07:25Council of War?
07:27I don't know, Walter.
07:28What brings you this way?
07:30I'm checking out the opposition.
07:32Didn't you know?
07:33It's my mob you're up against Saturday night.
07:35And a winning post.
07:36Appropriately named.
07:37Well, if there's any questions on crime and punishment, you should be all right.
07:40You haven't been down to the Isle of Dogs lately, Arthur, have you?
07:43It's changed.
07:44We got rid of the riff-raff.
07:46It's all offices now.
07:48The doctor's surgery.
07:49We've one or two in our team with letters after their name.
07:53Yeah, well, it's our first time.
07:55Well, I shouldn't get too wound up about it, Dave.
07:58As long as you and Arthur enjoy yourselves.
08:01Well, Arthur's not actually here.
08:02The thing is, in any knockout, you're bound to get the odd mismatch.
08:07Isn't that right, Arthur?
08:09Yeah, but look, is it Arthur, isn't it?
08:10Yeah, yeah, yeah, just a minute.
08:11I think I'm getting slight interference.
08:13I'm not quite with you, Walter.
08:15With respect, the Winchester's hardly a hive of learning, Arthur.
08:19And the name of Daly isn't going to send waves of fear crashing through the cerebral world.
08:24You are up against class.
08:26I don't care what we're up against.
08:28I don't care if we're up against Bamber Gascoigne.
08:31Arthur.
08:31I will not have you casting aspersions.
08:34Now, look at that.
08:35The A-team with brains.
08:37Well, you're still one short.
08:39And if that R-Daly is Bert's boy,
08:41I'll be surprised if he's got the hang of tying his shoelaces yet.
08:45Get out of here.
08:46I will not have that lad besmeared.
08:48Or Bert.
08:48Boris!
08:49Boris, come here.
08:50Someone wants showing up.
08:51No need for that.
08:53Always the same with the Daly's.
08:55Brute force over ignorance.
08:57See you Saturday.
09:00Just like his dad.
09:01Full of aspersions.
09:03Arthur.
09:04You and Ray really on a team.
09:06Dave, that man has woken a slumbering giant.
09:10And the Daly intellect is a terrible thing when it's roused.
09:39He looks like a crook, doesn't he?
09:41They say you can't tell, but he's got it written all over his face.
09:44Might as well have a flashing neon sign on his forehead saying tea leaf.
09:47Sarge.
09:48Can't imagine why he did it.
09:50Ours is an open prison in every sense.
09:53If he'd have any problems, he could have come to me.
09:55With all respect, sir, dealing with men like this,
09:58best thing you can do is bang them up and throw away the key.
10:01They don't respond to kid gloves.
10:02He always struck me as quite a sensitive soul.
10:04Scum, sir.
10:06Unmitigated, hard-nosed filth.
10:08If I had my way...
10:09If the sergeant had his way, we'd have him back in here by tea time.
10:12However, it may take a day or two.
10:14No matter how keen we are.
10:19Liberty.
10:20Had the first dictionary in our street.
10:50Excuse me.
10:52What's your game?
10:54I'm looking for Arthur Daly.
10:56Oh, yeah.
10:57I'm sorry.
10:58Marty Goldblum.
10:59I'm a friend of Arthur's.
11:01I did some work for him a few years ago.
11:05You better come inside, then.
11:11This bloke.
11:12Well, he's not dangerous.
11:13He's gone walkabout.
11:14He'll turn up again.
11:16Tuesday morning business.
11:19Hunt shoulders.
11:21Irritable bowel.
11:23Indigestion.
11:24What?
11:25The money I have put by for my cottage in Whitby.
11:28The broker who said he could invest it better, remember?
11:32He's going to serve the rest of his sentence.
11:51Raymond, the gauntlet is down.
11:52Get out those O-level certificates of yours.
11:54I want to have a look at them.
11:55Here, Arthur.
11:55There's an old friend of yours dropped in.
11:56Well, he'll have to drop out.
11:57Battle plans have got to be drawn up.
11:59Here, Arthur.
11:59Can't you spare five minutes?
12:00Raymond, I have been insulted by an intellectual lowlife.
12:03The bell has rung, seconds are out, and we've got to be quick putting the boot in.
12:06Suit yourself.
12:07I don't think he's very polite, though.
12:08I mean, he's come all that way.
12:10Marty.
12:13Marty Goldblum.
12:13I cannot tell you what a pleasant surprise this is, Marty.
12:19Marty Goldblum.
12:20Ray, a legend in these parts.
12:24Marty.
12:25Known to his friends as brains.
12:31Where is he, then?
12:32I don't know.
12:33You shared a room with him before you were released.
12:35He must have talked.
12:36Honestly, he never said a word.
12:37Honesty is something I take for granted only from the Salvation Army and the Archbishop of Canterbury.
12:42What crooked, good-for-nothing lawbreakers.
12:45Sarge, Mr. Hamilton's a free man.
12:45He's done his time.
12:46And he agreed to help with our inquiries.
12:48Yeah, you've got no right to talk to me like this.
12:50I want him.
12:52Names, contacts, now.
12:56We've still got that big rubber truncheon.
13:00Don't you think it looks a bit odd, Arthur?
13:02I mean, all these pictures of the Queen.
13:04Dave, a majesty's boat race will bring a smattering of class to any gathering, even a quiz night.
13:08Trust me.
13:10What should I do with the cash the brewery sent over to decorate the place?
13:13I've already taken care of that.
13:14Can defray the cost of this lot.
13:16You've had all this since the coronation.
13:18Storage, maintenance.
13:19That's top-quality gear.
13:20Put a couple of pee on all the drinks and you'll be packed in here.
13:23I've already told Ray to whack an extra load of salt on the peanuts.
13:27Ray's all right, then, about being on a team.
13:29Yeah, it says he can't guarantee that his religious knowledge is immaculate.
13:32So Marty will take care of that.
13:33Yeah, you sure Marty's that good?
13:36Dave, what he's got up here would tie Robin Day in knots.
13:41Very grateful to you, Arthur, for doing this for me.
13:43It's a question of honour now, aren't it, Dave?
13:44And you're still prepared to take on the captaincy?
13:47It's doing my nerves.
13:48Some are born captains, some have it thrust upon them.
13:51I consider myself in the former category.
14:04Afternoon, Raymond.
14:05We're looking for Uncle Arthur.
14:07I haven't seen him since lunchtime.
14:09Nothing wrong, is there, Sergeant?
14:11Not yet.
14:16Police harassment.
14:18America's got nothing on us, Marty.
14:21Marty?
14:23Sorry, Ray.
14:25Dropped a load of coins.
14:29William I.
14:31William II.
14:34Edward, the professor.
14:37Disraeli.
14:39Oliver Cromwell.
14:41Oh, God.
14:43Excuse me.
14:44Can you tell me anything about the Sirocco?
14:46Yeah, it's a hot wind or something, isn't it?
14:49The Volkswagen Sirocco.
14:52The blue one.
14:53On the forecall.
14:54Oh, yeah.
14:55Sorry.
14:58Excuse me, sir.
14:59Do you mind?
15:01We need to have a word with Mr. Daly.
15:03Pop back in the morning, if you haven't found anything better by then.
15:08You can't go imposing embargoes willy-nilly.
15:11He's rather urgent.
15:12It better be.
15:13He was ready to part with cash.
15:14If he doesn't come back, I'm going to want compensation.
15:17Have you heard from Marty Goldblum, by any chance?
15:20Marty?
15:50Uh, no, I can't say I'll do it.
15:51My motor on the strength of it.
15:52I'm delighted for you.
15:54Funnily enough, he did a deal for me as well.
15:57Who did he?
15:581989.
15:59I'm still trying to claw back the 2,000 quid.
16:02Oh, that is shocking.
16:03I could understand your interest, Sergeant.
16:05I'm glad you see it, though, mate.
16:07So, if he does get in touch, give us a call, will you?
16:09Absolutely.
16:10I'll know where my loyalty's lie.
16:12Good.
16:13Rest assured, if you forget, I'll have plenty of men keeping an eye on you.
16:24How could you?
16:25I'm sorry, Arthur.
16:26I was desperate.
16:28Yeah, so was Crippin, but he didn't come knocking on my door.
16:31You'd helped me out once, Arthur.
16:33And you were a legend inside.
16:35There were blokes who swore they wouldn't be where they were now if it wasn't for you.
16:39Why'd you do it, Marty?
16:40You didn't have long to go.
16:41I was reaching breaking point, and I couldn't stand another minute.
16:45If the old bill get wind of this, you won't lack for company when you go back.
16:48I'm not going back.
16:49Marty, unless you want to spend the rest of your life tending a smallholding in Bolivia,
16:53you have got to serve the rest of your sentence.
16:55I'll go mad, Arthur.
16:57Financial malpractice.
16:58Nobody gets banged up for that round here.
17:00Hitting people on the head and making off with a ghetto blaster, certainly.
17:02But nothing to do with writing.
17:04You have got potential, and you will waste it on the run from the law.
17:08You know he's right, Marty.
17:09You're going to have to give yourself up.
17:10Oh, um, you don't need to say who you were with.
17:16Shame.
17:18I've been looking forward to that quiz.
17:24We mustn't be too hasty.
17:26We need to pick the right moment for you to give yourself up.
17:29I have contacts in the force, and I might be able to arrange a sympathetic readmission.
17:34Whatever you say, Arthur.
17:36Keep down.
17:37Streets will be crawling.
17:38Where are we going?
17:39Somewhere safe.
17:41Don't speak a word of English.
17:43He's from Madrid.
17:46How long's he, uh, staying?
17:48Staying?
17:49Well, it depends on this deal we're trying to wrap up.
17:50Is he part of your European arm, Arthur?
17:53Uh, yeah.
17:53Ferdinand's sorting out some timeshares in Romford.
17:56For those Spanish souls that are sick of sun and sangria, you know.
17:59Oh, I didn't know you were in there.
18:00But there are certain areas of my life that must remain shrouded in secrecy.
18:04You know he's welcome, Arthur.
18:05He can have raised old room.
18:07But wouldn't he be more comfortable in a hotel?
18:10Uh, Doreen, normally I'd agree with you, but if word got out about his presence in this
18:15country, it could infuriate his competitors back in Spain.
18:19Say no more, Arthur.
18:21Dealing on the, uh, sly.
18:22Sly, exactly.
18:23So keep an eye on him, will you?
18:24Don't let him wander off on his own.
18:27Oh, and if any of his Spanish colleagues turn up dressed as English policemen, get him
18:31out of the back window.
18:32Policemen?
18:33Oh, it's an old trick.
18:34Anything to knob all the opposition.
18:36River dirty, Ferdy.
18:43Thanks to see him, all right.
18:45Tell from the look of Daley's face.
18:47Why don't we pull him in?
18:48Sweat station.
18:49You only tried to open the antenna pilchers without the key.
18:52I thought you was going to drop him off at the station.
18:54Look, I don't deny it was the right idea for him to give himself up, but it's a question
18:58of timing.
18:59Well, where is he now?
19:00That Raymond can only be divulged on a need-to-know basis.
19:04Suffice it to say, he's at a safe house somewhere in London.
19:07Well, the net will be closing in on, Arthur.
19:08But he's an asset we can afford to lose.
19:11The worst comes to the worst.
19:12We'll see what he looks like in one of her indoors frocks.
19:14Yeah, but is it worth it for a quiz?
19:16It's not just a quiz.
19:18You're putting a lot of responsibility on Marty's shoulders, Arthur.
19:21He got three degrees.
19:22Look, if he's so bright, how come he's doing time?
19:24Lack of confidence.
19:25With three degrees, he's not confident.
19:27Confidence is an inane thing.
19:29You can't learn it.
19:30He had financial interest in a couple of companies that came under investigation.
19:34You know, the inland revenue, customs excise, fraud squad, the usual thing.
19:37Nothing to worry about.
19:38And what does Marty do?
19:39Confesses.
19:40The whole lot.
19:41It means his sentence wasn't too bad, but there was no need for it.
19:44A little bit of confidence to see it through to the end and he'd still be there.
19:47Captain of industry.
19:48Arthur, let us quiz.
19:50I'm worried I'm going to let everyone down.
19:52There's nothing to worry about, Dave.
19:54As soon as you hear a word you recognise, you whack the bell and Marty answer the question.
19:58Yeah, provided he's not back inside by then and us with him, Morley knows there's a connection.
20:02And that is all he knows.
20:03And as President Nixon said, a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.
20:06I'll relay this meeting to Marty at his secret house.
20:11Read, digest and destroy.
20:14Debrief later.
20:17Oh, that reminds me, Ray.
20:18Your mum found some magazines in your old school bag when she was tidying out your room.
20:22They were not autocar and she'd like to remove next time you're over there.
20:26Mum said that.
20:27When did you see her?
20:33Arthur, you've dumped Marty on them, haven't you?
20:35Bert and Doreen were more than keen.
20:37Well, never mind a risk.
20:38What are they going to talk about all day?
20:39Less than you realise.
20:40It was the only way, Ray.
20:41Oh, come on, let's get on with this preparation.
20:47Marty can only do so much, Arthur.
20:50It's the individual rounds I'm worried about.
20:53Individual rounds?
20:54I thought it was, you know, there was three of them.
20:56One in an iron mask.
20:58Each for all and one for each.
20:59Three musketeers?
21:00Yeah.
21:00I thought you chipped in if you knew the answer.
21:02Some of it's like that.
21:03But then there's all the individual stuff.
21:05You know, no conferring.
21:06Individual stuff?
21:08Oh, my God.
21:09Oh, my God.
21:22Or sherry, Ferdinand.
21:26Gracias.
21:28Gracias.
21:40Why?
21:43Why should Daley risk himself for Goldblum?
21:51Here, Arthur, what are we meeting here for?
21:52It's the last place of the old bill to think of checking.
21:55We've got to start honing our minds to the matter in hand.
21:57Well, Marty, if I don't speak Spanish, Arthur.
21:59Troublesome though it may be, Marty, the fact that you can't converse in the local lingo
22:02means Bert and Doreen can't ask you any awkward questions.
22:05I don't feel too comfortable here, Arthur.
22:07I still have the fine for a book I borrowed in 1970.
22:10It's like third world debt, Dave.
22:12Nobody expects the money.
22:13Relax.
22:14Shh.
22:15Now, we've got to plan this quiz with military precision.
22:18Our main concern is Marty, who is presently staying at a safe house somewhere.
22:22We all know where he's staying, Arthur.
22:23Ray, we can't take any chances.
22:25We don't know who might be listening.
22:26Shh.
22:31Marty will remain there at all times until the quiz, apart from these meetings.
22:35Look, is all this really necessary?
22:37Ray, I have served in Her Majesty's Armed Forces, and what they drum into you there
22:40doesn't go away easily.
22:42Now, I want a lean, mean quizzing machine come Friday, and that means thorough preparation.
22:47Shh.
22:48Now, for the quiz itself, we need a strategy.
22:51Walter's team still looks favourite, Arthur.
22:54So did General Custis till the opposition turned up.
22:56Dave, you take sports questions.
22:58Raymond, you take current affairs.
23:00All of them?
23:01I've seen your Sunday newspaper.
23:03It's too thick to go through the letterbox.
23:04Marty will handle literature, art, science, history, geography, and politics.
23:09I'll take all the rest.
23:10What's left?
23:11Well, famous catchphrases, things like that.
23:13This is not the local wine lodge.
23:16You've been asked to moderate your voices.
23:19As you're incapable, I shall have to ask you to leave.
23:21I'm very sorry.
23:22We didn't know the rules.
23:24I've never been here before.
23:26Dave, we have every right to be here.
23:28We're taxpayers going about our lawful business.
23:31It is our God-given right.
23:37And don't come back.
23:39I shall write to the council.
23:41Keep him hidden, for God's sake.
23:42We don't want to flash our wares to all and sundry.
23:45Me and Ray are going to check out the opposition.
23:47Suss out their Achilles elbow.
23:49You two get home and get revising.
23:50And for God's sake, only eat fish.
23:52It's good for the...
23:54What's his name?
23:56What a lot of fish.
23:58Sarge, the DI asked if we could check this.
24:00Possible leads on the petrol station job.
24:03Yeah, sling him in the trash.
24:04I'll see to it later.
24:05Well, he did say it was urgent.
24:07Fine.
24:09Why is Daley lying about Goldblum?
24:14A $64,000 question.
24:18There must be a deal.
24:20Which means they've got to be meeting.
24:23I want you on Daley's tale.
24:25Everywhere he goes.
24:26Till he leads us to Goldblum.
24:33Hello, Dave.
24:35Have a lighter, please.
24:36Sure.
24:36Bye.
24:37Yeah, please.
24:381872 must be the Dreikaiserbund.
24:41And Franz Ferdinand was assassinated in Sarajevo.
24:45When?
24:4620th of June, 1914, by Serbian nationalists.
24:50And the Dreikaiserbund was effectively at an end by 1879.
24:57Hurry up, Arthur.
24:59They seem quite reasonable on this street.
25:01Yeah, people are looking at us.
25:02Hold on.
25:03They're breaking up.
25:05Everything seems solid enough.
25:07I don't think the Winchester are going to be much trouble.
25:09One thing, if their captain offers to sell you anything, don't touch it.
25:14It'd be either bent or broken.
25:19Well, no obvious chink in the armor.
25:22I think the best thing is for us to continue with our own preparation.
25:25That suits me.
25:26Listen, Arthur.
25:27I've got a show.
25:27I've got a date on.
25:28At that, Raymond.
25:29Forget dates.
25:30If you want to move up in the tie-wielding arm of this operation,
25:33you've got to show more dedication.
25:35You've got some serious brain work to do.
25:37Come on.
25:42I'm sure we had a copy of El Cid somewhere.
25:46Here.
25:47Do you reckon you'd like...
25:49Porridge?
25:50Porridge?
25:57Give us another.
25:58All right.
25:59What is the capital of Abyssinia?
26:01Where?
26:02Abyssinia.
26:03Now there's no such place.
26:04Of course there is.
26:05I'm looking at it.
26:06It doesn't exist.
26:08Raymond, not six inches from my nose,
26:10is a glorious technicolor picture of a bloke in a grass skirt,
26:13and he's in Abyssinia.
26:15It's called something else now.
26:16That mags years out of time.
26:17Fair enough.
26:18Tell me what it's called now.
26:19Country or the capital.
26:21Either.
26:21Good.
26:22I'd have got Frankenstein's monster if I'd known educational standards had slipped this far.
26:26What do you mean?
26:27We're relying on you.
26:28Not long out of school.
26:30Qualified.
26:31Your mum took in ironing so you could have a decent school blazer,
26:35and this is how you repair.
26:36Look, I never wanted to be in a team in the first place.
26:39And it wasn't me who thought of mice and men was a council pest control manual.
26:43Raymond, the choice quota on this one is nil.
26:46Your name is written in blood.
26:47You're on the team, so brush up on your general knowledge.
27:05Smaller.
27:07Hey, it's Ethiopia.
27:09What is?
27:10Abyssinia.
27:10It's called Ethiopia now.
27:12Well, you'll have to be quicker than that on the night, my son.
27:14Well, if they ask that, I guarantee I'll be in like a shot.
27:16Decent preparation, methodical planning.
27:18No worries here.
27:19What is it?
27:20Encyclopedia.
27:21I bought a job lock when Freddie Jenkins burnt down his old school.
27:24Now, brush up on any area you're rusty in.
27:26I'll take the other volume.
27:27Other volume?
27:28Yeah, I've been knocking them out at 20 quid a pair.
27:35Trade been slack, has it, Arthur?
27:38Why, do you think I'm overpricing them?
27:40There's supposed to be 24 other volumes.
27:42They're alphabetical.
27:43You've been given a batch of A to Bs, which means unless we get questions on the aardvark of
27:47the Battle of Britain, we're stuffed.
28:11One, please.
28:12Cheap seats.
28:13They're all £5.50, sir.
28:15Five?
28:17No wonder Charles Messon looks well.
28:19Which one did you want to see?
28:20The one that's on this week.
28:22There's six choices today, sir.
28:25Number one, I'm not bothered.
28:28I'm here for the newsreel.
28:29Resume of world events.
28:56Oh, my God.
29:07I thought I'd gone in the back entrance to Smithfield.
29:10Well, it's the style these days, Arthur.
29:13I mean, they don't leave much to the imagination.
29:15Experience like that could haunt you for life.
29:17I remember as if it was yesterday, dragging young Ray screaming out of Bambi when he was
29:21so high.
29:21Well, they are impressionable at that age.
29:24Well, he wanted to stay.
29:26I didn't sleep properly for days.
29:28You should have left soon as he got nasty off us.
29:31I was waiting for the path, eh?
29:33Seemed an effective way of broadening the mind.
29:35Turns out they haven't been running them for years.
29:37Well, I've been doing a bit of background meself.
29:42Look and learn, 1969.
29:44I can't help thinking, Dave.
29:46We need a more reliable source of information than that.
29:48Yeah?
29:50Well, where from?
29:52We'll discuss it later.
30:00We'll discuss it later.
30:04We'll discuss it later.
30:35We'll discuss it later.
30:36Where?
30:37You sure?
30:39Was he on his own?
30:41Let me guess.
30:43Ray Daly.
30:46I'll be right there.
30:57I feel a bit dizzy, Arthur.
30:59Relax.
31:00It's good for you.
31:01Yeah, I could murder a drink.
31:03This is absolutely necessary, Arthur.
31:05It's killing me.
31:06I'm surprised at you, Marty.
31:08There's a great tradition of business being conducted over a steam up.
31:12In Egypt, Arthur.
31:16We've got to be on our guard.
31:18Martin, he's hot property.
31:20He's not the only one.
31:22The longer he stays on the loose, the harder the lawyer's going to try and catch him.
31:34He's still here.
31:34Yeah, go on, Trot.
31:35Go on.
31:41Hey, it's 350.
31:43Police.
31:44I don't care if you're shallow bloody homes.
31:46You still can't go in.
31:47Not with that gear on.
31:55Yeah, but, Arthur, it doesn't seem five minutes since you were telling me certain things were above profit.
31:59It is not the prize, Ray.
32:01It is something more.
32:02And if it's not the wedge, why are we sweating cobs trying to hide the bloke who's been drafted in
32:06to make sure we do win?
32:07Can't we just enjoy the occasion?
32:09Look, you'll understand one day, Ray.
32:11Meanwhile, remember the words of Captain Scott.
32:13You don't get nothing but come in second.
32:16Marty, you all right?
32:18You've gone all pale.
32:19I feel sick.
32:21Here, go through there and have a splash in the little warm pool.
32:28Are you sure that's a good move, Arthur?
32:31Here, hang on, Marty.
32:34Come on out loud, Arthur.
32:35It's iced water.
32:36You're going to kill him.
32:43Amazing how quick you can get out, isn't it?
32:45I'll feel naked without my warrant card.
32:48Get back here.
32:51Oh, my God.
32:57Get out of the room.
33:00There's nobody, Ray.
33:01I'll check before you arrived.
33:17Go.
33:18Mr. Morley!
33:20What a pleasant surprise.
33:21I thought it was Peter O'Toole coming through the A's.
33:23I was wondering where you left your camel.
33:27Where's Marty?
33:28Sorry, Marty who?
33:30Your nephew was seen coming in here with Marty Goldblum.
33:33Sarge, Ray's not here.
33:35Get down the runner!
33:36Get after them!
33:38Afternoon, Sarge.
33:39I told Arthur we'd start a craze.
33:41Shall I check?
33:42Well, what do you think?
33:47Will you sit down, Mr. Morley?
33:49Or are you sweating enough?
34:00I don't know.
34:01What do you guys want me to do?
34:01No.
34:13What do you think?
34:18I don't know.
34:19I don't know.
34:25come on Marty shake the leg
34:27Ray I'm not sure I can take much more of this
34:30what I had to make do with a sofa
34:32paella every meal
34:33the dawn chorus of Eviva España
34:36I don't wish to appear ungrateful
34:38but I'm more of a prisoner here than I was inside
34:40at least there I could speak English
34:41it's only till after the quiz
34:43hey listen I've got a cardboard box downstairs
34:45get dressed and practice crouching inside
34:48inside?
34:48yeah I've got to pick up some stuff for Arthur
34:50but I'll be better later take you to the quiz
34:52I'm not getting inside a cardboard box
34:54it's got air holes in it
34:55Arthur's idea good cover
34:56I'll catch you later
34:57see senor
35:13so he's not actually a friend of yours then?
35:17not personally
35:17but you know what I mean
35:19the cabbie
35:19Il Supremo
35:20yes you've asked me
35:21I wouldn't mind a few pointers
35:22you know mastermind
35:23general knowledge
35:24stop it
35:25please
35:25how many hours sleep a night
35:27do you try and get?
35:28add the ride on me
35:30go and upset someone else
35:35that cabbie's a cabbie's a complete attic Ray
35:37I merely wanted to avail myself of his expertise
35:41no intention of making a bid for the leather chair
35:44a few books was the brief Ray
35:46just to jog the memory
35:47we can do some more Arthur
35:49he's allowed to scratch the surface
35:50I only hope you can sleep nights
35:52when you think of the state of the rainforest
35:54Arthur
35:55it's Bert on the phone
35:56about Marty
35:57Ray's on his way
35:58it's too late
35:59Marty's done a run
36:06look Arthur what are we going to do?
36:08burn the place down
36:09what?
36:10they'll cancel the quiz
36:11we'll move to alternative premises
36:13you got any petrol out the back?
36:14no we can't do that
36:15that deal you did with a quite a lump of building society
36:18it only covers us for flash floods and hurricanes
36:21what's the weather forecast like?
36:23you still might turn up Arthur
36:24yeah with Lord Lugan as an escort
36:25I find your optimism ill placed Ray
36:28where are you going now?
36:29I am not marching into battle one short
36:31I'm going to find us a fourth man
36:35great thought
36:37right
36:55look what can I say to persuade you Billy
36:59yeah I realise that
37:01but look wedding anniversaries happen annually
37:03you miss one year you can make it up the next
37:07yeah I know I know she's very particular
37:09well bring her with you
37:11show her the bright lights
37:13Tower Bridge
37:14Houses of Parliament
37:15lounge bar at the Winchester
37:19alright Billy fair enough
37:20hey listen Billy before you go
37:22have you heard of Kubla Khan?
37:27yeah yeah that's what I thought
37:28the question is
37:30did he bat or bowl?
37:32I mean I like a bit of healthy competition Dave
37:34but it's Arthur
37:35he's always going overboard
37:37can hardly blame mighty for legging it
37:39shifted from pillar to post
37:40and for what?
37:42it's far more important things in life
37:43than a pub quiz
37:45I think you should know Ray
37:47that Arthur never wanted to be on this team
37:49I did ask him and he refused
37:52then this winning post captain
37:54he started shooting his mouth off
37:56well he and Arthur's family
37:58they go way back
37:59they'd never been the best of friends
38:00and well
38:03things were said
38:04what things?
38:05well things about your dad
38:07and you
38:09no Arthur wouldn't have that
38:10not about family
38:16we're on our own right?
38:18what's happened?
38:19I can't get a replacement for Marty
38:20the nearest was Chico Mendes
38:22over at Tommy Smith's scrapyard
38:24but he is presently visiting his sick grandmother
38:26in Buenos Aires
38:27look Arthur
38:28I don't think I've been giving you
38:29as much support as I could have done
38:30but I want you to know
38:31I'm right behind you now
38:32and I've been working on some systems
38:34no no no Ray
38:34no no systems
38:35I've done with systems
38:36I shouldn't be trying to cram stuff in
38:39where it don't want to go
38:39not at my age
38:41no alcohol's a solution
38:42whoever said the taking part
38:44and not the winning was important
38:45obviously won everything they ended for
38:48what are you doing here?
38:49Arthur I'm sorry
38:50what?
38:52I can't cope
38:53all the hiding
38:54the foreign stuff
38:55I just want to go back to prison
38:57you can
38:58you can
38:59after a quiz
39:00I can't think straight Arthur
39:02I'm
39:02I'm no use to you
39:04now let me be the judge of that
39:05now you get stuck into a couple of edifying volumes
39:08and you'll soon recapture the old magic
39:09I tried to hand myself in
39:11he was there
39:12Morley
39:13the cottage in Whitby
39:14he'll kill me
39:15deep breaths Marty
39:16one thing at a time
39:20he's lost it Arthur
39:21I know now
39:22it's just pre-quiz jitters
39:25oh my god
39:25he's tired and emotional
39:26Ray
39:27put the kettle on
39:28four sugars and half a dozen St. Allergens
39:30Arthur look at him
39:30he's a nervous wreck
39:31he hardly knows the time of day
39:33never mind anything more complicated
39:36he's a non-starter Arthur
39:37best thing for him
39:38is to get him back to his old cell
39:40and have plenty of rest
39:41oh it's like having George Bess
39:42in the starting line up
39:43and finding out he's forgotten his boots
39:46all right
39:47go on
39:48make sure you see field
39:49and get back here pronto
39:50meanwhile Dave and I'll do
39:52what any Englishman would do
39:53in our position
39:54what?
39:55cheat
40:02very good
40:05I'm sorry it's closed
40:06until seven
40:07by first only for learning
40:09I beg your pardon?
40:11the quiz later on
40:12I can't wait
40:13oh
40:13you're coming
40:14I wouldn't miss it for the world
40:17oh the atmosphere
40:19you can feel it already
40:21can you?
40:22you know
40:22I reckon you blokes
40:24ought to get medals
40:25thank you very much
40:26yeah I was saying to her indoors
40:27only the other day
40:28those blokes who organise the quizzes
40:29don't get the recognition
40:31they deserve
40:31I mean turning
40:33cultural deserts
40:34like this tap room
40:34into ives of learning
40:35we uh
40:37do our best
40:38no no no
40:38you do more than that
40:39you perform miracles
40:40in point of fact
40:42I'm achieving a great
40:43personal ambition
40:43in taking part
40:44in tonight's spectacle
40:45really?
40:46yeah
40:46Arthur Daly
40:47captain of the Winchester
40:48how do you do?
40:51what's this?
40:52well as I say
40:52you work miracles
40:53civilizing the masses
40:54you deserve a reward
40:55and that is it
40:56from all in the Winchester team
40:57Mr. Daly
40:58I believe you are trying
41:00to bribe me
41:00has it worked?
41:01no
41:02how dare you suggest
41:03such a thing
41:03a man in your position
41:04would be ashamed
41:05of yourself
41:07I only hope
41:08you can look me
41:08in the eye this evening
41:15you owe me
41:17hold up
41:17come here Daly
41:19what have I just overheard
41:20from a couple of
41:21gossiping helmets
41:21in the carsy?
41:22it's all taken care of
41:23Sarge
41:24Mr. Daly persuaded
41:25Goldman to give himself up
41:26to you?
41:27well you wouldn't do it
41:28otherwise
41:28sorry you missed it
41:29Sergeant Morley
41:30where do you think
41:31you're going?
41:32I can't hang around
41:32sorry
41:33I'm afraid you must
41:34oh
41:35I think I can feel
41:36a statement coming on
41:38I'd like to play some part
41:40in tying up this case
41:40however small
41:41I've got a date
41:42police routine Raymond
41:43I'm sure she'll understand
41:45she won't
41:45it's Arthur
41:54let's do it
42:02we'd better get going
42:03I from it
42:04we can't wait any longer
42:05he can't
42:06Ray was our last hope
42:08perhaps he's squeezing in
42:09some extra revision
42:11any luck with that
42:12quiz master
42:12no Dave
42:13he's been
42:13couldn't touch it
42:25Brazil
42:26everyone else speaks Spanish
42:27nice one Walter
42:29the treaty of Brest-Litovsk
42:30between
42:31Russia
42:32Germany
42:33Austria-Hungary
42:34and their allies
42:35I can't help feeling
42:36sorry for dear old Arthur
42:38ideas above his station
42:39let people gaze up at the stars
42:42by all means
42:42as long as they realise
42:44the gutter
42:44is where they belong
42:47I know who it is
42:49but I can't remember his name
42:52Einstein
42:53apple fell on his head
42:54and he got out of his bath
42:56yeah
42:56here
42:58some important dates on it
43:00including
43:01Arsenal's best back four
43:03from their double winning team
43:04Ray says you'll always get
43:05one of them questions
43:05practice blowing your nose
43:07with it so that you can read it
43:08be prepared
43:24remember Agincourt
43:33should do it
43:35now I just have to read it back to you
43:37Raymond
43:51where's he got to
43:56I'm sorry Mr. Bailey
43:57we can't wait any longer
43:58I want to see the referee
43:59I am the referee
44:01and I'm going to begin the competition
44:02hold up
44:03contact lens come out
44:04don't nobody move
44:05I didn't know you
44:07get a grip referee
44:10he's time wasted
44:11who said that?
44:13signed Ray
44:15Daly
44:17perfect
44:17sorry to have kept you
44:19you may go Raymond
44:20cheers
44:25look
44:26either start this game
44:28or award it by default
44:29yeah careful
44:30yeah careful
44:30what
44:31you've trodden on it
44:33I'll do a spare pair of my office
44:34your honour if you wouldn't mind
44:35I'm sorry
44:37I'm starting
44:38we'll have to be out of here by 11
44:40yeah I appreciate the lift
44:41we'd better shoot through traffic
44:42than your motor
44:43trivia quiz
44:44two against four
44:45hardly seems fair
44:46especially when you see the other team
44:47talk about taking it seriously
44:48I know what you mean
44:49that's why I gave up
44:50gave up?
44:52yeah
44:52it was a main man back home
44:53used to pay every week
44:54you've got anything
44:55planned to save it?
45:02Winchester
45:03what is a sitter?
45:05easy chance in front of goal
45:07nope
45:08offer it over
45:09Indian musical instrument
45:10alright
45:11bad luck Arthur
45:12reading the wrong books
45:12excuse me
45:13could you be careful
45:14with your diction
45:14to avoid any further
45:16misunderstanding
45:19which superstar
45:20wanted to be alone?
45:23referee
45:23he's got writing on his hand
45:25oh really
45:25oh crap
45:29sitting down
45:33what was the question?
45:38that's incorrect
45:38no it's not
45:39I'll offer it over
45:41it's right
45:41Mr. Daly it is not
45:43winning post
45:44anything?
45:45Nat Loft House
45:46it was Greta Garbo
45:47Greta Garbo wanted to be left
45:48I know that
45:49we all know it
45:50everyone in the room knows it
45:51except Arthur Daly
45:52I didn't know that
45:53Walter
45:54what can I say?
45:55null and void
45:56and you sitting there
45:57with a correct answer
45:58on your lips
45:58you must be seething
46:00I do apologise
46:03please please
46:04I hope you take note
46:05of that attack on my person
46:06when allocating the next question
46:08please
46:08let's have some decor
46:09from both sides
46:18Winchester
46:19when was Sir Walter Raleigh beheaded?
46:21about 1618
46:22no help from the floor
46:23please
46:24no we're the rest of the team
46:25right
46:26thank God you're here
46:28what's the meaning of a police escort?
46:30Arthur he's plagued before
46:31he's agreed to help us out
46:32right he is not one of us
46:33what is the fear of noise called?
46:36phenophobia
46:37correct
46:38is there nothing like to see it?
46:47come along gentlemen
46:48time is running out
46:49running out now
46:52keep the Aspidistra flying
46:54George Orwell
46:56correct
47:03open question
47:04scores level
47:07how many great train robbers were there?
47:1025
47:10I'm afraid that's incorrect
47:11I beg your pardon
47:12Ronnie and the lads did the old up
47:15Fat Charlie ran a decoy run
47:17Big Mickey drove a getaway car
47:19Geoffrey what's his name
47:20looked after the loo
47:21and Sam Lesnout
47:23what are you grassy?
47:25I think I'll call that one null and void
47:27it was wrong
47:28please referee's decision
47:30here here
47:31final question
47:32it's all on this
47:34name this piece of music
47:42oh my God I know it
47:44um
47:46oh
47:46come on then
47:47Albert Sandler and his orchestra
47:49who?
47:49er
47:50who?
47:51bright and grand
47:51say something
47:53I can't remember
47:54Arthur
47:54aren't he in shift on you and your knees?
47:57serenade
47:57hooray
48:05was the referee related Daly?
48:08right Arthur
48:09don't be bitter Walter
48:10soundly thrashed though you have been
48:12it's only a game remember
48:14that wasn't a game
48:15it was a travesty
48:16try not to think of it as coming last
48:18think of it as coming second
48:20you've got a good team there
48:21bit more practice
48:22you never know
48:23if you're ever down the Isle of Dogs
48:25Arthur
48:26keep going
48:29I am proud of you Arthur
48:31gracious in victory
48:33what did I tell you Dave
48:35there are some things that are sacred
48:36I've achieved what I set out to do
48:39I don't want to rub his nose in it
48:41the dailies are better than that
48:43goodnight Dave
48:46come on my son
48:50whoreay
48:52whoreay
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