- 12 hours ago
First broadcast 14th January 1993.
Arthur buys a hot air balloon with a view to going into aerial advertising.
George Cole - Arthur
Gary Webster - Ray
Glynn Edwards - Dave
Richard Ridings - Warren
Emma Cunningham - Gloria
Philip Martin Brown - Pike
Desmond McNamara - Les
James Berwick - Joey
Suzy Cooper - Desiree
Hugh Sachs - Kenny
Nabil Massad - Mr. Ali
Nadio Fortune - Waiter
Matthew Lloyd Lewis - Pump Attendant (as Matthew Lloyd-Lewis)
Nick Raggett - Gas Deliverer
Paul Broughton - Boxer
Danny Earl - Thug
Shirley English - Smiling Lady at Cinema
Howard Nelson - Bill Van Dyke
Dave Ould - Heavy
Johnny Ould - Heavy
Arthur buys a hot air balloon with a view to going into aerial advertising.
George Cole - Arthur
Gary Webster - Ray
Glynn Edwards - Dave
Richard Ridings - Warren
Emma Cunningham - Gloria
Philip Martin Brown - Pike
Desmond McNamara - Les
James Berwick - Joey
Suzy Cooper - Desiree
Hugh Sachs - Kenny
Nabil Massad - Mr. Ali
Nadio Fortune - Waiter
Matthew Lloyd Lewis - Pump Attendant (as Matthew Lloyd-Lewis)
Nick Raggett - Gas Deliverer
Paul Broughton - Boxer
Danny Earl - Thug
Shirley English - Smiling Lady at Cinema
Howard Nelson - Bill Van Dyke
Dave Ould - Heavy
Johnny Ould - Heavy
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:13Eric, I just came to say how sorry I am.
00:16How deeply, deeply sorry.
00:21Only those of us who've trod the rocky path of life
00:24and stared into the pothole of crisis
00:26can understand how you must be feeling.
00:30And if there's anything, anything at all I can do to elk,
00:37just say the word.
00:44Yeah, sunny days are here again, my friend.
00:46In my good fortune, I have happened
00:48upon the Tutankhamun's tomb of garden equipment.
00:51Really?
00:52Yeah, now, as someone who's been in gardens all his life,
00:54you will appreciate what I've got here.
00:56This is a machine that actually makes people wolf whistle in the street.
01:00I have seen motorbike couriers riding less powerful machines than these.
01:03Mr. Daly.
01:04Now, for a lawn maintenance unit like this,
01:07we would normally be asking seven.
01:09But bearing in mind the number involved,
01:11I'm happy to let them go for five.
01:15Are they hot, Mr. Daly?
01:16Certainly not.
01:18Hot, my friend?
01:19A little bit warm, perhaps,
01:21but you'd expect that with fire-damaged stock.
01:22Oh, yes.
01:23I heard about that.
01:25Terrible.
01:26Terrible.
01:26Eric had had that garden centre 15 years.
01:29And one of the great ironies of life,
01:31apparently the fire started in the wiring for his new sprinkler system.
01:47Oi, oi!
01:48Oi!
01:49Gently, please.
01:50I heard that clunk.
01:51These are now the property of the hanging gardens of Kneesden.
01:54Well, you sold them already?
01:55The art of the entrepreneur, eh?
01:57I see an opportunity.
01:58Dive in, snap it up and get out quick with the spoils.
02:01In there, what a shark does.
02:03Raymond, do not sully the name of commerce.
02:06What?
02:0728 sooty gnomes and a moth-eating adverb balloon?
02:09Lost leaders.
02:10If I hadn't bought the job lot, I wouldn't have got the mowers, would I?
02:13Anyway, these boys will have their vocation.
02:16Fiat opportunists.
02:18Everything has its opportunity.
02:19What, even that balloon?
02:21Oh, yeah.
02:23What?
02:24Yeah, you bin that when you've tucked all the mowers up.
02:27What, tonight?
02:28Oh, yes.
02:29Very easily emotionally disturbed lawnmowers.
02:32They hate being out at night.
02:33That is why God invented sheds.
02:35When did those go up?
02:36I don't know, but, Arthur, I'm surprised...
02:38This is your generation, you know.
02:40When I was a boy, we used to stuff potatoes up exhaust pipes for a bit of fun,
02:43but your lot, no.
02:44Posters and graffiti all over the place.
02:45Yeah, but, Arthur, it's half past six.
02:47Such a positive imagination.
02:49Do me a favour.
02:50Take it down before you knock off it.
02:51Low as a tone of a place.
02:54Well, that is all right.
02:5628 noles.
02:57More or less.
02:58I bin the rest.
03:00It's not like you to bin anything, Arthur.
03:02Not even I can find a use for an airship.
03:04Airship?
03:05Yeah, blimp, balloon thing.
03:06You know, he used to have it flying above the car park with Erics on it.
03:09Yeah, you never bin that.
03:11Well, what do I want with a 20-foot balloon with Erics on it?
03:13It makes a bit of money, that's all.
03:15Then what?
03:16Who does make a bit of money?
03:17There's a bloke I know up in the black country.
03:19He's got a firm.
03:21He rents them out.
03:22What for, right?
03:23It's advertising, Arthur.
03:25Companies will fork out to see their name up in the sky.
03:28Big money, apparently.
03:29He charges by the week.
03:30And, er, is he?
03:32I mean, does he?
03:33Well, all I know is that he bought his missus a brand new red Porsche for her birthday.
03:39Because she got bored with a black one.
03:43Young Ray coming in.
03:44Mm.
03:45He's doing some property maintenance.
03:47Very important, that.
03:48The public face of a business should always look clean.
04:20You sure that's the right skin?
04:24Yes, Arthur.
04:25It's in a yellow bag.
04:26I know, Arthur.
04:27I put it in here, Arthur, like you told me.
04:28Don't raise your voice in the street.
04:31It's fairly unprofessional.
04:32Well, it's only a tatty old blimp.
04:33Why'd you suddenly want it back?
04:35It has been rescued from destruction by the fair maiden of opportunity.
04:38Well, perhaps you'd like to come in here and find it.
04:47Yeah, that's right.
04:48One photo.
04:49Four by four.
04:51In colour.
04:53How much?
04:55Look, I want it down in Wilsdon, not Trinidad.
04:59Yeah, yeah, yeah.
04:59I'm sure there are standard rates.
05:01But I wasn't aware I'd phoned Lord Litchfield instead of...
05:04Harry Powell at me snapper.
05:07All right, all right.
05:08What would it cost in black and white?
05:11Oh, I'm sorry if it impinges on your creativity.
05:14But it'd be cheaper to dismantle the scene and rebuild it in a photo booth.
05:20Ray, how long does it take to press a button?
05:23Arthur, here's me thinking 100%'s a good mark-up.
05:26Arthur, will you stop?
05:27What is going on?
05:29Business is going on, Ray.
05:31Our phoenix is rising out of Eric's ashes.
05:34What business?
05:35Aha, good boy.
05:37Arthur, what business?
05:45Daily inflatables.
05:47Advertise in the skies.
05:48You are joking.
05:49Well, if you want to be seen, you've got to be up in the sky and we have a balloon.
05:52We have a balloon with Eric's written on it.
05:55Oh, that goes.
05:55Any punter's name can be on there.
05:57Arthur.
05:57So what we want, we want a leaflet with a photo to show them.
06:00Honestly, do you know what these photographers are charging?
06:03I thought he was telling me the speed of the film he was going to be using.
06:06Well, look, no, what we want, what we want is someone who would do us a favour.
06:09So, hold on.
06:11That girlfriend of yours.
06:12Oh, no.
06:13She's a photographer.
06:14I'm not asking Gloria.
06:15Well, look, she's got a camera.
06:16She's bound to have some spare film kicking around.
06:18Arthur, I'm not asking Gloria.
06:20Oh, come on.
06:21No.
06:21Why not?
06:22Because I know what she'd say.
06:23No.
06:24Oh, no.
06:25No, no, no, no.
06:25Look, Gloria, I know what you're going to say.
06:27I just said it.
06:28Well, let me explain.
06:29Oh, I understand, Ray.
06:31You want me to take pictures for Arthur Daly for nothing.
06:34Look, it's not...
06:34Well, I can't believe this, you know.
06:36After all he pushed you through, you've got the...
06:38Arthur.
06:39After all that skivvying round.
06:40I don't skivvy round.
06:41Really?
06:42Yeah.
06:42It's a proper job, Gloria.
06:43Okay, okay, come on.
06:44What did you do today, then, in your proper job?
06:47What, today?
06:48Yeah.
06:48Well, I had to shift some lawnmiles down to, um...
06:51I don't know how to take a...
06:52Look, I don't have to justify what I do to you.
06:55You're skivvying for Arthur.
06:56Gloria, you've said no, okay?
06:57Just don't give me this anti-Arthur stuff.
06:59Okay.
07:01Well, I suppose if I tell myself I'm doing it for you
07:04and not for Arthur,
07:05and if it's the last thing I've ever to do with him, okay.
07:08And the price isn't me allowed?
07:10Done.
07:12Who's he more photographing, anyway?
07:14Well, it's not exactly who, as such.
07:16It's, um...
07:18It's an airship.
07:20What?
07:23What, up there?
07:24I thought you was photographing it in the locker.
07:27Here, you'll have to blow it up.
07:28Hey, what, with a bike pump?
07:29Don't be daft, Ray.
07:30We'll be here all night.
07:31No, nip it down the garage.
07:33Arthur, you just can't hitch it up to the free air pump.
07:35No lilos, no footballs.
07:36It don't say nothing about no airships.
07:38Look, the most you can do with air is check for leaks.
07:40You can't float it without helium.
07:41No.
07:42Yes, they just didn't hit the R-101 down the garage, you know.
07:44Yeah, and look what happened to the R-101.
07:46What?
07:47Well, if that had been full of air,
07:47it wouldn't have exploded, would it?
07:49It would have just punctured.
07:51Gone 400 miles in three seconds
07:52and wrapped yourself around a tree in Denmark.
07:54It wouldn't have got off the ground.
07:55Look, I can't stand in that ring.
07:56I've got a bit of Joey Bollins at half past.
07:57Just get on with the job.
08:06Arthur, I do my job and this isn't it.
08:09Pardon?
08:10I'm supposed to be a minder.
08:11Yes, Raymond.
08:13And if you look in the Greater Oxford Dictionary,
08:15under minder, you'll see it's derived from the Latin
08:17and it means one who does what he's told without moaning,
08:20which is currently what I'm expecting of you.
08:22Now, get on the case.
08:27Joey, as soon as I saw this balloon, I thought of you.
08:31You what?
08:31As a consumer of advertising.
08:34The ring.
08:35Still going strong, I see.
08:36Oh, aye.
08:37Legendary Joey Bull and Fight Night.
08:39First Friday of every month.
08:41Aye.
08:42What was it we always used to say, you and me?
08:46I don't know.
08:47We always used to say something.
08:49We had a say.
08:50Didn't we?
08:52Oh, forgotten it now.
08:54Oh, well.
08:55Time marches on, Joey.
08:56I see you're still using the posters for advertising.
08:59Oh, yeah.
09:00Here's tonight's.
09:01Ah.
09:02Great line up, Arthur.
09:04Here, Bill, flyin' Dutchman, Van Dijk.
09:07Oh, Dutch, is he?
09:09Fantastic left hook.
09:10Very good.
09:11Hook of Holland.
09:12Eh?
09:12Holland, hook.
09:15Dutch.
09:16It's good to see a lifetime of boxing hasn't dulled your native wit, Joey.
09:20No.
09:20But I must say your advertising clout leaves a lot to be desired.
09:23Oh?
09:24How's that?
09:25Well, as it stands, conventional.
09:28But I'm here to tell you, come next month, your fight night could have a bit of the old
09:31half a daily punch.
09:33You've not started doing the posters, have you?
09:35Oh, well, yeah, we can do posters, obviously.
09:36In conjunction.
09:38But you know me, Joey.
09:39I always have my eye on eye of things.
09:53Oh, well, yeah, we can do it.
10:11No, I manage, mate.
10:15Balloon, is it?
10:17Yeah, kind of.
10:19They sometimes have them up with names on, don't they?
10:21Yeah, well, that's what this one's for.
10:22Arthur Daily Inflatables.
10:24Your boss wants it up over his car lot for a photo.
10:27Yeah, all right, all right.
10:29I told him I can check it for leaks, but air won't do it.
10:32It's just a waste of time.
10:33Now, if he wants to corner the market and air he'll advertise,
10:36then he's going to have to fork it out for a bit of helium.
10:38That's what he's doing, is it?
10:40Cornering the market?
10:40Yeah, supposedly.
10:42I said I'm going all right.
10:55It's not exactly majestic, is it?
10:58Not exactly.
10:59Looks like a dinner lady and a bit of string.
11:0270 quid.
11:03The immoral charging for gas.
11:05God put gas on this earth for all of us.
11:07Yeah.
11:09God didn't put it in canisters right around the transit, did he?
11:13I thought photographers had it good.
11:16Tone?
11:19Just down here, by the pool.
11:23He's not in a very good mood.
11:27Tone?
11:28Tony, pet, it's Warren.
11:38Mr. Pike, I just came to tell you that...
11:42You see, Warren, the psychology of disruption.
11:47One placid swimming pool and one tiny olive.
11:56Ripples create ripples.
12:00Thus, one tiny olive disrupts the status quo.
12:06I just thought you...
12:07Someone has flicked an olive into our pool, Warren.
12:11Someone has trodden on the forbidden lawns.
12:15Aye.
12:16Joey Bullen, I hear,
12:18is having his poster advertising material
12:20circulated as of this afternoon
12:22by a Mr. Arthur Daly.
12:26It appears that...
12:27Daly?
12:27Don't interrupt, please, Warren.
12:30Sorry.
12:31Mr. Pike.
12:33Sorry, Mr. Pike.
12:36It appears...
12:37That we have been undercut.
12:39We have with the balloons as well.
12:42That's what I came for.
12:44You know you're moving into inflatables.
12:46I just found out there's an Arthur Daly
12:48moving into balloons as well.
12:50Kind of Wilston Manor.
12:52And he's off to cornering the market.
12:55I think we should treat Mr. Daly...
13:00to a night out on the marsh.
13:04Don't you, Warren?
13:06Right, my dear.
13:07Now, this is what I envisage.
13:09Me standing here with a sort of professional smile
13:12and the cabin in the background
13:14and the inflatable above my head.
13:16You think you can manage that?
13:17I think it may be my powers, Arthur.
13:19Marvellous, marvellous.
13:20Right.
13:21All set?
13:22Twitching to go.
13:23Right.
13:24Hold on, don't click, don't click.
13:26What's all this?
13:27Well, you want me to be in it, don't you?
13:28Ray, this is a major company business launch.
13:31Even I'm part of the company, I'm an executive.
13:33You always ship.
13:34Are you ready?
13:34No, no, no, no.
13:35Hold on, hold on.
13:36How can I put this, Ray?
13:37Look, our business here
13:40is like a little version of our great nation.
13:43Every man has a function.
13:44Everyone turns his own little cog in the machine.
13:47Right.
13:48Right.
13:48Now, whatever his rank,
13:50however humble he's calling,
13:52every man's job is critical
13:53to the running of that great machine.
13:56All right?
13:56All right.
13:57All right.
13:57But at the end of the day,
13:59you can only have one person's head on the stamps.
14:03Right?
14:05Are you going to do anything?
14:07Like what?
14:08It looks a bit dull.
14:10Well, those Brazilian dancers I ordered
14:12should be here in a minute.
14:13What do you mean, dull?
14:14Dull?
14:14Can't you point?
14:15Point at what?
14:16Your nose.
14:17The balloon.
14:18Why, isn't it clear where it is?
14:20Oh.
14:22Have you got it in that little square?
14:24You have to have it all in that little square.
14:26Oh, do you, Arthur?
14:28Oh, yes, here it all is, yeah.
14:30In focus, not all fuzzy?
14:31No, it's not fuzzy, Arthur.
14:33Well, why do I have to point?
14:34I want a promotional photo,
14:36not a spot the blimp card.
14:37I'll show you.
14:38That is it.
14:38I'm going to have to kill him.
14:40Look, I know you're used to doing catwalks,
14:43but we don't want none of that fuzzy stuff, OK?
14:45It's all right, Arthur.
14:46I left my fuzzy camera at home today.
14:47Good.
14:49Now, all nice and sharp.
14:51Me, the cabin and the inflatable.
14:53But, Arthur, it looks like a holiday snap.
14:57You're going to have to interact with it.
14:58Hold your arms out.
14:59Say, hi, hello, this is what I've got to offer you.
15:01I am a respected member of this community.
15:04I do not want photos of me looking like Ethel Berman on a supermarket notice board.
15:07Right, well, we'll have to compromise, then.
15:10Lead with your hand.
15:11Hold it up like that and smile.
15:12Yeah, that's it.
15:14That's lovely.
15:18You have to get it all in the little square.
15:20Make sure it's not fuzzy.
15:21Oh!
15:21Yeah, thanks, Gloria.
15:22You were brilliant with him.
15:24Well, you owe me one good night out,
15:26and it has to be Spanish or upwards.
15:28It isn't a tandoori job.
15:29I promise you, Spanish, French, Italian, whatever you want,
15:31you deserve it.
15:34What about a lot of cuisine at 8 o'clock?
15:36Yeah, all right.
15:37Just got to drop these smiles off at an ease.
15:38Well, don't be late.
15:39Don't be there.
15:42One minute late and that film goes in the Beaujolais.
15:458 o'clock.
15:45Yeah, all right.
15:52Oh, hello, is that a fire brigade?
16:05Yeah, well, not only are they customised for a fire brigade,
16:08but they are of particular interest to firemen
16:10because they are, of course, lucky charters.
16:14What was that?
16:16Well, Cornish mythology states
16:18that anyone possessing a pixie or similar thing
16:21will never be befelled by any bad luck.
16:25Yeah, all right.
16:26You have a word, and I'll call in the morning.
16:28Hello.
16:44Hello?
16:47Hello?
16:49Hello?
16:50You come to see if I are in a balloon?
16:52Ah!
16:57Hello?
16:58Hello?
16:59Hello?
17:09You're late, Mr. Daly.
17:11I'm sorry.
17:12I had bad traffic.
17:14Over there, please.
17:15Quick as you can.
17:18All right, all right.
17:19I'm not skivvy, you know.
17:21Pardon?
17:22Nothing.
17:25Can you not roll them on the concrete?
17:27It blunts the blades.
17:46Hey, what's going on?
17:49Just shut up, baby.
17:50Pardon?
17:51You have trodden on the forbidden lawns.
18:06I've had it, Arthur.
18:07How come it's all right for me to be a skivvy in one way,
18:10but I can't be a business associate in the other, eh?
18:13No, you can't answer that, can you?
18:16Arthur.
18:17Right.
18:18Right, Arthur.
18:19I think it's about time we had a little chat about job description.
18:26Arthur?
18:33Arthur?
18:33Arthur?
18:47You're absolutely sure?
18:48It's taken a few years' practice, Ray, but I can normally spot him from behind a bar.
18:53I know that, Dave.
18:54It's just that usually when he disappears, he comes down here.
18:56Then there's his cigar.
18:58That's the odd thing.
18:59Yeah.
19:01Arthur would never leave Arthur's cigar.
19:03But perhaps he was in a bit of a rush.
19:06But where?
19:07It's a slim chance, but he might just have gone home.
19:10Come off it, Dave.
19:11Stranger things have happened.
19:17Ah, Mademoiselle, bonsoir.
19:19Parisi.
19:23A drink, perhaps?
19:24Yes, please.
19:25Dry martini.
19:27You're waiting for someone?
19:28Yes, I am.
19:30Aunty.
19:30Yeah, it's Ray.
19:32Yeah, me.
19:33I'm all right.
19:33I'm fine.
19:34I'm just wondering, you haven't seen Arthur in the last hour or two, have you?
19:39Of course.
19:40I must be crazy.
19:41I'll try him down in Winchester.
19:44It's a funny feeling being stood up, isn't it?
19:46You get this funny, empty feeling in your stomach, and suddenly everyone else is in couples and happy and kissing,
19:52and you're the only one who isn't.
19:54Not so bad when it's two of us, is it?
19:57This is how they meet in films.
19:59No, Lenny.
20:00Look, stop laughing.
20:02Lenny, this is serious.
20:05Arthur has disappeared.
20:07Look, I haven't trodden on any forbidden laws.
20:11But if I did, there wasn't any signs up.
20:14So you think you could see your way to taking me back?
20:21Hello?
20:24No, Ray, you can't go to the law.
20:26Not yet.
20:26Besides, if you ring them and tell them that Arthur Daly has been abducted, it's going to be two days
20:31before they stop curing.
20:33If he hadn't been gone all that long, it's only just half past eight.
20:37Our fate?
20:38Gloria.
20:42Can I get you some wine?
20:43Uh, yeah, I'll have a Beaujolais.
20:45A bottle?
20:46No, a glass with about that much in it, please.
20:48Just enough to drop a roll of filming.
20:51Look, I hadn't realised the government have privatised the parkkeeper service.
20:56When I was a lad, they used to wallop you around the ear and tell your parents.
21:01I hadn't realised it's become an imprisonable offence.
21:05You have trodden on the forbidden laws.
21:13Hey, Gloria, I'm sorry I'm a bit late.
21:15Oh, Ray, it's lovely to see you.
21:17Can I just warn you in advance of your excuse that there is one word which you might use which
21:21will sink this film.
21:23Okay, go on.
21:24Gloria, I'm sorry I'm late. I've had a bit of trouble with Arthur.
21:27Oh, that was the word.
21:29Gloria.
21:29Have a nice meal, eh?
21:30Gloria, sit down. It's important. I think Arthur's been abducted.
21:33Ray, of all the excuses available to you...
21:35It's not an excuse. I'm not going to make up an excuse like that, am I?
21:38Abducted?
21:40Yeah.
21:43One thing I meant to stop happening and I...
21:46Well, I've failed, haven't I?
21:47What has he got into this time?
21:50He's got out of his depth, hasn't he?
21:52He's not started anything new, has he?
21:54No.
21:55This balloons thing.
21:57I hardly think balloons are a big mafia issue, do you?
22:00So there's no new faces about the place that he might have had dealings with?
22:03Gloria, I've told you there's...
22:05What?
22:07The bloke from the garage.
22:09What garage?
22:10Come on.
22:10Now, I'm going to ask a question.
22:12And I'll be very grateful if the answer didn't contain the words lawns or forbidden.
22:19Right?
22:21Where are we going?
22:26You have trodden.
22:28Thank you very much.
22:57Is the attendant a man or a woman?
23:27I've got a bit of trouble.
23:29Tony Pike.
23:29Yeah.
23:30Tony Pike business account.
23:32That's what was on the cheque.
23:33Tony Pike.
23:33Do you know it?
23:34No.
23:35Damn.
23:37Hang about it.
23:39I mean, not personally, but I have heard today somebody I know has talked about him.
23:45Well, come on, Dave.
23:46Anything.
23:46I mean, what he does, where he goes, anything.
23:48Someone I know worked with him.
23:50I can picture him telling me.
23:53Yeah?
23:54I can't remember.
23:55This isn't going to work.
23:56We'll have to think of something else to do.
23:59Hang about.
24:00Hang about.
24:00I've got it.
24:01It's Bullen.
24:02Who?
24:03Joey Bullen.
24:04The boxing bloke.
24:29Oh.
24:31Where the hell are we?
24:32What's going on, you?
24:33We're having a night out on the marshes.
24:35Hey, no.
24:35What's going on?
24:36You've got the wrong bloke.
24:37I definitely didn't book this.
24:38Well, you don't have the book.
24:39Hold on, hold on.
24:40You don't have to do anything.
24:41Look, you've got the wrong man.
24:42You've got to stay in there with water until Tony Pike turns up.
24:44Oh?
24:45You see, you have trodden on the forbidden lawns, Mr. Daly.
24:50That means tomorrow morning, they'll be taking you out of your own crutches.
24:54Get up!
25:06Come on!
25:08Come on!
25:08Come on!
25:09Come on!
25:10Come on!
25:10Come on!
25:10Come on!
25:10Come on!
25:12Come on!
25:12Come on!
25:13Come on!
25:17Fine, Dutchman.
25:18You're only three minutes.
25:19Excuse me, mate.
25:20What?
25:20Who are you?
25:21I'm looking for Joey Bullen.
25:22Who let you back here?
25:24This is authorised only.
25:26Look, I've got to see him.
25:26It's really important, mate.
25:27Well, he's not here.
25:28The fight's started.
25:29He's in the auditorium.
25:31Out!
25:32Well, all right.
25:32Can you tell us what he looks like, then?
25:33Out!
25:34Good going, mate.
25:36Oh, he's coming.
25:39Look, excuse me.
25:40Shut up.
25:44Just a minute.
25:45I said, shut up.
25:47Look, could I just ask one question that could be crucial to all this?
25:50What?
25:51One question, then shut it.
25:53Who is Tony Pike?
25:55They all say that.
25:57I'll bet him.
25:58Not that I've done this before.
26:00I just bet they all say that, though.
26:02Ladies and gentlemen!
26:05Who looks like they're on the place?
26:06The third bout this evening.
26:09From Fitzburyport, weighing 180 pounds, will you welcome...
26:14Mike Middleman-Martin!
26:20Well done, Mike.
26:23Good, good.
26:25It's all right.
26:25Stay here.
26:26What are you going to say?
26:26I'll think of Sammy.
26:33Excuse me, Joey Bullen.
26:36I want a word, please, Mr Bullen.
26:38Shut up.
26:38There's a bloody fight going on.
26:39I hadn't you noticed.
26:40Listen, I just want to...
26:42And from Heinholmen, in the lowlands, weighing 190 pounds,
26:46will you please welcome Bill Flying Dutchman, Ben Dyke?
26:51He missed the phone.
26:52Oh, shut up.
26:53Break it out.
26:54I want to work with you now, please.
26:55Spin him.
26:57I want to talk about Arthur Daly.
27:10Stop!
27:14Well, what about Arthur Daly?
27:17You know Arthur Daly?
27:19Well, of course I do.
27:22He's me uncle.
27:31Sit down.
27:35Sit.
27:46Arthur was in here yesterday.
27:49All right.
27:51We go back here and meet.
27:52Mr Bullen, Arthur has disappeared.
27:55What?
27:56That's why we're here.
27:57He's gone.
27:58We think it might have something to do with a guy called Tony Pike.
28:02Pike?
28:04You're kidding.
28:05You know him.
28:07Oh, yeah.
28:08I know Tony Pike.
28:12Just a bit of business.
28:16Don't wait up.
28:18I could be a little while.
28:29You know him.
28:30You know him.
28:30I know him.
28:31I know him.
28:31So he's got a flyposting racket?
28:32No, not her.
28:34The Floyd Poston racket.
28:36And if anyone else gives it a go...
28:38Well, what?
28:39Well, he has this thing, a knife out on the marshes.
28:42Anyone who crosses him gets it.
28:44Gets what? What is it?
28:45I don't know.
28:46All I know is the blokes who come back.
28:50Look, I don't like in front of the lady.
28:53Look, tell us. Where is it?
28:54The one time he needed me as a minder. The one time...
28:57You've got to get to him, Ray.
28:58Where are these marshes?
28:59I don't know. You'll have to ask somebody who's been.
29:01Well, who? Who's been?
29:04Laz, out there.
29:05Laz Critchley.
29:07Laz!
29:07Come in here a minute.
29:11Right, Laz.
29:13I've got a job for you.
29:15Oh, yeah?
29:18Lost something?
29:20No flaming fags.
29:22You, uh...
29:23You smoke cigars?
29:25Why?
29:26Well, just I've got a cigar you can have.
29:29Don't.
29:29Don't think just because it's the first time I fall for anything.
29:32That's all right, look.
29:34There you are.
29:37Favour for a favour.
29:39I don't think this buys you anything.
29:41So, tell you this.
29:42This don't change a thing.
29:44Tomorrow morning,
29:45they'll still be taking you out on crutches.
29:47Right?
29:55Thanks.
29:58And now Nesermoyne is in trouble.
30:00And we all help our mates, don't we, Laz?
30:02Goodbye.
30:03Yeah, come on.
30:04All right.
30:04Let's get you in here.
30:07Morella court, please, mate.
30:08Okay, Governor.
30:09Ray, will you just please be careful?
30:11It's under control.
30:12I'll be fine.
30:14I'll be fine.
30:15All right, call me.
30:16All right.
30:17Go on.
30:17Make it snappy, cabbie.
30:38We've got a rendezvous on the marshes.
30:46Right east, innit?
30:47It's not heading east to start with.
30:49Yeah, east is fine.
30:50Fine.
30:53Look, you're okay.
30:56You're going to be no danger with me.
30:58Yeah.
30:58And you think that counts, do you?
31:00Against points, boys.
31:04Who's with a band?
31:09It's a bit bendy.
31:10It's all right.
31:11All for me.
31:13Aren't you hungry?
31:13Nah.
31:14You have it all.
31:15Oh, well, uh, have a chat over supper.
31:18Have a bit of time to spend.
31:21Then you know what they say.
31:23Fiat opportunists.
31:25Oh.
31:27Yeah.
31:28Warren, why am I here?
31:31Because, because you have trodden on the forbidden lawns.
31:35Right, now, these lawns I keep hearing about belong to this Tony Pike, who I also keep hearing about.
31:41And it...
31:41Hold on.
31:43I've got it.
31:44It's the lawnmowers, innit?
31:46Right.
31:46From Eric's.
31:47He's into lawnmowers.
31:48No, no, advertising.
31:51What?
31:51Posters.
31:52Well, not just posters anymore.
31:54Advertising blimps.
31:55This isn't everything.
32:00The bus station.
32:02Finsbury Park.
32:02That's where they got me.
32:04I can't go past it now.
32:06Serious.
32:07Have to go up Toiletland Park Road, turn left into Mayfield.
32:09Who gotcha?
32:10Pike.
32:12Well, his boys.
32:14Always had these head cases around him.
32:36Inuspectable, this place, innit?
32:38That's why Tony likes it.
32:41How does this, uh, Mr. Pike of yours take apologies, Warren?
32:46Doesn't work.
32:47Didn't for me.
32:49Well.
32:52So, do you come from a long line of minders, Warren?
32:55I mean, is it a family profession?
32:57No, no.
32:58Dad was a fish porter.
32:59Oh.
32:59Billingsgate.
33:01So, this Mr. Pike must have made you a very good offer.
33:04It's going to be beaten up.
33:06Ah.
33:07So, you've decided discretion was the better part of valour.
33:11Yeah.
33:13Yeah, that's really true.
33:15Yeah.
33:15You know a lot of, you know, sayings, don't you?
33:18I rely on them, Warren.
33:20The words of the wise are but torches to guide us through the tunnel of life.
33:26I like that.
33:28Sayings.
33:29Like, treading on the forbidden lawns.
33:33Taking out on crutches was mine.
33:35I did that.
33:36Very effective.
33:38What was that of yours?
33:39That, um, fiat opportuni?
33:41Fiat opportunis.
33:43You speak Latin as well.
33:45Like a native.
33:46Fiat, let there be.
33:49Opportunis, opportunity.
33:50See, I like that.
33:52I love all that.
33:54He thinks I'm thick.
33:56Who does?
33:57Shut up, Warren.
33:59Mr. Pike, please.
34:01Bloody skivvy this, skivvy that.
34:04Were you some physical aggression, Warren?
34:07I hate all that.
34:10I hate it.
34:18He likes to think he's some long, good Friday gangster.
34:22He's got all this technique.
34:26Starts with these minders.
34:28They lock you in this place and just stare at you.
34:34He won't turn up for ages.
34:36But he tells them just to stare and say nothing.
34:42My dad, you see, hated violence.
34:45Couldn't stand it.
34:47I think it was working a lot with fish that did it.
34:49Because they're very calm, aren't they, fish?
34:51Yeah, yeah.
34:52They're not naturally aggressive.
34:53No, no, no, no.
34:54Very calm.
34:56Precisely.
35:00Then he turns up.
35:03Okay.
35:04Pike does.
35:06And he has this cigar waiting.
35:09And he just smokes it without saying anything.
35:11Just looking at you.
35:14He loves hair.
35:17And he's nearly finished.
35:20And he stabs it.
35:22Oh, that's just the aperitif.
35:25He has this block of wood.
35:27And an iron bar.
35:31And look, where was all this?
35:33I saw the signs.
35:34For Dartford.
35:40Tell me more about your dad, Warren.
35:43Oh, well, only if you want to, obviously.
35:46You like words, Dad.
35:49Used to get a reader's digest.
35:51Yeah, this page.
35:52Nice little sayings people had said.
35:54Used to learn them.
35:55Used to say them.
35:56Not you.
35:57You knew hundreds.
36:00Like, why do we grow older?
36:02If not to grow wiser?
36:05Or a twinge of conscience, Warren.
36:08It's a glimpse of God.
36:09God?
36:10God.
36:11Oh, God.
36:11God, right.
36:12Yeah.
36:13I think he would have liked me to be a writer.
36:15Something with words.
36:17Or possibly something to do with fish.
36:19That would have made him really proud.
36:20Well, you do work for a Mr Pike.
36:24I suppose I must have let him down a bit, really.
36:27Can't really be proud of being on the dole for 20 years.
36:30Then running a poster outfit.
36:31Well, we all happened to find her up.
36:33You ran a poster, gang?
36:35On me home.
36:37That's how I ended up here.
36:40I was up pasting on Muswell Hill one night.
36:42Tony Pike draws up.
36:44He gets out.
36:45Shouting and screaming.
36:47Now he's going to put me in the back of the van.
36:50But like he's two feet smaller.
36:52He just stops and looks up.
36:53He says, all right.
36:55He gave me the option.
36:57I'd get beaten up.
36:59Or have a job.
37:01Driving around chasing those who was...
37:03Treading on his forbidden lawns.
37:04But Warren, did it never cross your mind to beat him up at all?
37:09I can't really handle the physical aggression.
37:11Oh dear, Warren.
37:15Here.
37:17You ain't trying anything psycho.
37:19You know.
37:20Soften me up.
37:22Because it won't work.
37:23Warren, I wouldn't dream of it.
37:26Honestly.
37:33Left.
37:35Right.
37:36No.
37:37Left.
37:37As you were.
37:38Now make up your mind.
37:39I don't know, do I?
37:41You don't know what this is like, mate.
37:43This is like escaping from the gates of hell and someone driving you back again in a taxi.
37:49You talk a lot about your dad, Warren, don't you?
37:53Did he pass on any pearls of wisdom?
37:57Pearls of wisdom.
37:58That's nice.
37:59Yeah, you know, little lessons to help you through life.
38:02Yeah.
38:04Yeah.
38:06Used to put me on his knee and say,
38:08Warren, never ever eat the head of a turbot.
38:12You're right.
38:13No, I meant more emotional rather than fish-oriented.
38:17The brown stuff is dangerous.
38:19And the eyes are really bitter.
38:21My dad passed on a pearl of wisdom to me.
38:24Yeah?
38:25Yeah.
38:25Arthur, he said, fear is a weapon.
38:29The knife itself is not frightening.
38:32But fear of the knife is what's frightening.
38:35And the more you think about that, the truer it becomes.
38:41Yeah.
38:41Yeah.
38:44But some knives are frightening.
38:46Yeah, Warren.
38:47Some knives are massive.
38:49Yeah.
38:50They had these huge ones you used to fillet conger eels with.
38:53Yeah, what I'm trying to say, Warren, is all of this has happened to me before.
38:58Been kidnapped?
38:58Yeah.
38:59It was very traumatic.
39:01I was seven.
39:02And there was this other kid.
39:03Well, you know how you get one who's a bully boy.
39:05Yeah.
39:05And he locked me in this sports shed, tied me up and stuck a bean bag in my mouth so
39:13I couldn't call for help.
39:14And I could hear all the others playing outside, playing British Bulldog on the field.
39:18Right.
39:18When I told my dad, Arthur, he said, if you don't stand up to this lad, you will have a
39:25bean bag in your mouth for the rest of your life.
39:30Your fear of him is his only weapon.
39:35Do you see what I'm trying to say, Warren?
39:38Yeah.
39:38That is all Tony Pike has got.
40:02Straight on.
40:05Definitely.
40:06Definitely.
40:09Stop!
40:13For what?
40:15Left.
40:15I think it was left.
40:16You said definitely.
40:18I was upside down in the back of the van, wasn't I?
40:20Yeah, but didn't you look on the way back?
40:22Funnily enough, no.
40:23Funnily enough, I was deciding whether to pass out from me ankles or a cigar.
40:27Look, don't tell me that.
40:28I don't want to hear it.
40:33You see, Warren, I know minders.
40:35There's good and there's bad.
40:36And a good minder's better than skivvying around.
40:39You are a sensitive person, Warren.
40:41That makes you bigger than all this.
40:43You're bigger than skivvying.
40:45You're bigger than Tony Pike.
40:46Let's face it, two feet bigger.
40:52So why are you here?
40:54Because you are frightened of him.
40:56We all are.
40:58But remember what happened when he got out of the van at Muswell Hill.
41:01He stopped dead.
41:02And why?
41:03Because he is frightened of you.
41:14Somewhere.
41:17Somewhere here.
41:18I can feel it.
41:19It better be.
41:20You've got a chance to spit that beanbag out and kick the door open.
41:24That is the great choice in your life now, Warren.
41:27Stay in the shed or run about in the sun.
41:29Walk out of this place into that bright new dorm with your head held eye and say,
41:33I am Warren.
41:35I am not a skivvy.
41:36I am a dignified human being.
41:39Oh, think what your dad would say.
41:56There.
41:58Up there.
41:59You sure?
42:01A night on the marsh.
42:02Up there.
42:05Oh, come on then.
42:06Oh, no.
42:07No.
42:07Sorry.
42:09Les.
42:09I can't.
42:10That's it.
42:11Les.
42:12Come on.
42:17All right.
42:19All right.
42:20All right.
42:42Arthur.
42:47Arthur.
42:49Arthur.
42:50Arthur.
43:03Mr. Daly.
43:07Well, you want to tie this one up, Warren? He's a strong lad.
43:11So this is thee, Mr. Daly.
43:14This is the olive in our pool, and this is the man with the balloons
43:21who's been treading on the forbidden lawns of Tony Pike.
43:26Tony Pike.
43:28Heard of me, have you?
43:30Yeah, I've heard of you.
43:35Come on in.
43:40Warren, get in here, Warren.
43:45Can you help him, Warren?
43:51Warren?
44:11He's not here, Mr. Pike.
44:13Where is he, Mr. Pike?
44:15See, I'm Ray Daly, Mr. Pike.
44:17After Daly's mind.
44:19Unless you tell me what you've done with my uncle.
44:22I'm going to make you wish you'd never come here tonight.
44:24I haven't done anything.
44:25So where is he, then?
44:26I don't know.
44:27Right.
44:27No, I don't know.
44:29I don't know, do I?
44:30Warren, the mind has taken him off.
44:31He's done it himself.
44:32He's thick.
44:33He's soft.
44:33Robert, get us.
44:34No, I was calling.
44:35You heard.
44:36I thought he was here, otherwise I wouldn't have come here, would I?
44:42You pathetic.
44:43You're sick.
44:57Arthur!
45:37All right, goodbye then.
45:40Thanks, Arthur.
45:41Always happy to oblige.
45:42Yeah, if you get any trouble from Tony Pike.
45:45I've got your number.
45:46And remember, my friend, Fiat Opportunis.
45:49Fiat Opportunis.
45:51Dera.
46:06Let's go.
46:38I'm sorry, Arthur.
46:41You gave me a job to do, and I was so bothered about what kind of job it was that
46:44in the end I...
46:48I just didn't do it.
46:52Don't worry, Ray.
46:54Hey?
46:56You did your best in the circumstances.
46:58We all make mistakes.
47:00Great is the man who knows when he's made a mistake.
47:03The words of Lee Chai Min.
47:06Engineer.
47:07Yeah, Arthur.
47:08Never let it be said that Arthur Daly fell foul of that dictum.
47:11Yeah, but Arthur, I mean, what happened out there?
47:13Hmm.
47:16Quite a lot happened.
47:18Suffice it to say, I have just spent the most illuminating night on the marshes, as a result of which
47:22a 15-stone man mountain has gone off to Fiat Opportunis with the rest of his life, and I've come
47:28back to Wilsdon for a shower.
47:30Yeah, but how did you get...
47:33Raymond, do you think it falls within your role of duty to run me back to the car lot?
47:41Come on.
47:44You see, Ray, it suddenly struck me, while I was sitting out there, that I have made a considerable mistake.
47:51I mean, if I hadn't had you running around delivering lawnmowers and good-knows-what-all, well, it's more than
47:57likely I'd never have been on a night out in the first place, because you would have been there to
48:01protect me.
48:02You see, I know you wouldn't say anything, but there's been a degree of late to which you've had the
48:09odd few skivvying jobs, Ray.
48:11No.
48:11No, no, no, no, no, no, no, don't deny it.
48:14And I have come to realise in my art of arts that that is true.
48:18You are worth more than that.
48:20I know that now.
48:28So, I think it's time we had a chat about job descriptions.
48:32If you say so.
48:33Oh, I do, I do.
48:34I mean, wherefore do we get older, if not to get wiser?
48:37Arthur.
48:37And I say to you, no more lawnmowers-giving jobs, no more peeling-off posters jobs.
48:43Yeah, Arthur.
48:43No, no, no, I will not hear a word against it.
48:45Arthur.
48:46And no more manual labour balloon-waking jobs.
48:49Arthur.
48:49That is my pledge to you.
48:50Will you have a look?
48:52What?
49:05Raymond, before we have our little chat, there is just one last favour.
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