- 5 minutes ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:27Daryl?
00:32Sounds good.
00:33Sounds good.
00:35You're a movie star.
01:14Oh, hey guys, it's 522.
01:16We can go home.
01:18Sounds good.
01:19Sounds good.
01:47Stone & Sons Suit Warehouse recently lost their paper provider.
01:50They're a family-owned business.
01:53Jim and I used to clean up at those.
01:55We'd go in pretending to be family.
01:57Brothers.
01:57We did it at a family-owned law firm,
02:00at a family-owned construction company,
02:03and a family-owned motorcycle store.
02:05Jim and Dwight Shrupert.
02:07I was the dynamic, likable winner that was doted upon by Mom.
02:15And Jim was the closeted foot fetishist pretending to belong.
02:20And the client never knew any of that.
02:23But I knew.
02:24I hope you've been paying your wig storage bills, Jimbo,
02:28because it's time for another episode of
02:29Handsome and Stinky Paper Brothers for Hire.
02:32Sorry, Stinky.
02:32You can't do it.
02:33Too busy.
02:34Oh, God.
02:34This again?
02:35You're stinky.
02:36Okay, there's no possible way I can get there,
02:37so just ask Phyllis.
02:38She can be your older sisters.
02:40Phyllis, my sister?
02:41More like my dead great-great-grandmother
02:43who died of stupidity.
02:44I have ears, Dwight.
02:46Oh, do you really have ears, Phyllis?
02:49Like all human beings, we all have ears.
02:54See what you leave me with here, Jim?
02:56Hey, I'm in Philadelphia right now.
02:58How is that my problem?
02:59Get in your car and drive down here.
03:00You can make it in 30 minutes if you drive 240 miles per hour.
03:04Huh.
03:04How long would it take me if I drove 300 miles an hour?
03:06Mmm.
03:07That's a good question.
03:11300...
03:14180...
03:15Um, that comes to 25 minutes.
03:19Yes.
03:20Oh, well.
03:21Thank you, Jim.
03:22Yes, I am better than you.
03:23Thanks for acknowledging that.
03:25Okay, bye-bye.
03:26Love you.
03:39Daryl, looking good.
03:41I'm heading to Philly.
03:42Interview with Jim's company.
03:43Hey, good luck.
03:45When you get to Philly, will you tell Jim I miss him?
03:47Why don't you come along and tell him yourself?
03:49That'd be great.
03:50Kind of like ditching school, except instead of getting suspended, you get...
03:54What do you get?
03:57Oh, my God!
03:58Why didn't I think of this? Andy's not here.
04:03Oh, hey, Erin, I'm expecting a shipment of pens.
04:06Can you cover that?
04:07Mm-hmm.
04:08Cover that.
04:08What does that mean exactly?
04:09What are we talking here?
04:10Details.
04:11A delivery guy will deliver a box of pens, and you just make sure everything's in order.
04:16What?
04:17Everything?
04:18What?
04:18How do I make sure it's in order?
04:20I haven't been trained for this.
04:22Okay, see you later.
04:35Hey, guys.
04:37Clark, hey.
04:38Hey, look who's back.
04:40Dwight Jr.
04:40Hey, so how was it?
04:42I mean, the sex with Jan.
04:45A gentleman doesn't discuss such matters, especially when the feelings of a lady are involved.
04:50Women reached their sexual peak at whatever age Jan was last week.
04:53I mean, it was like making love with a wild animal.
04:58But not like a cougar.
04:59Like you might think it was, uh, like a swarm of bees.
05:05Bees that just find something wrong with every hotel room.
05:09Nothing wrong with being a gentleman.
05:11Like my mom used to say.
05:13Talk classy, act nasty.
05:15What's with the wig, Meredith?
05:16What, is it on backwards?
05:20Oh.
05:21You got it.
05:22You fixed it.
05:23Uh, I have a gift from Jan.
05:26It's an espresso maker.
05:28Oh.
05:28We came to be quite fond of espresso on the Amalfi Coast.
05:31So, bon appetit.
05:35Ooh, 16 types of espresso.
05:38Now that's Italian.
05:39My friend has one of these.
05:40Full proof espresso every time.
05:42Always with the friends, Oscar.
05:44Can't we just enjoy the new espresso machine?
05:46Actually, it's pronounced espresso.
05:48Wait.
05:49That's what you said.
05:50I apologize.
05:51I just assumed you would mispronounce it.
05:53So.
05:57There he is!
05:59We are all so proud of you for the small part that you played in landing the white pages.
06:04Prouder of me, but...
06:07If you really want to show appreciation, just give me half the commission.
06:10Gosh, you know, I wish I could, but, uh...
06:13No.
06:14Hey, listen.
06:15Remember how everyone used to call you Dwight Jr. and how much you loved that?
06:19I loved it.
06:20How would you like to pretend to be my son in order to land a sale?
06:25If it'll lead to me being a salesman, I'll pretend to be your friend.
06:29Then looks like we have a deal.
06:32Son.
06:38Hey, guys.
06:39Hey!
06:40Look who it is.
06:41Uh, sorry.
06:42Super busy.
06:43Pen's coming in later.
06:44Just grabbing a java before all hell breaks loose.
06:47Try this one.
06:51Yeah, I thought Aaron and I were becoming pretty good friends,
06:54but then suddenly...
06:56I don't know.
06:58I have been doing that thing where you go back and look at every comment you've made
07:01and try to figure out if you said anything offensive.
07:03And I know I haven't said anything more offensive than other people in this office.
07:08But...
07:08That's setting the bar pretty low.
07:12I don't really have time to think about Pete right now.
07:14I just have a lot going on with this whole shipment of pens.
07:17And I have a lot of people trusting me, and I would feel super guilty if I broke anyone's trust.
07:22About the pens.
07:24Do you know what I love about this?
07:26If you say how tiny it is, I'm gonna smack you.
07:30Oscar.
07:32Try the green one.
07:33You mean the Capricio.
07:35No, the green one.
07:39Mmm.
07:40That's lovely, Phyllis.
07:41I don't think I should have any more.
07:43I've already had two.
07:44These things are so puny, it takes like five to make a real cup of coffee.
07:47I mean, I'm all about moderation, but this is crazy.
07:52You ready for your interview?
07:54I was born ready.
07:56No.
07:57I suck at interviews.
07:58I had Andy's job in the bag until my interview.
08:00Well, you shouldn't be nervous about this.
08:02This is a tiny startup with a bunch of guys just as dorky as Jim.
08:06Yeah, I guess.
08:08Really, you can't be scared of a room full of Jim's.
08:12I love the guy, but he's basically gumpy with hair.
08:17You know, it's kind of funny.
08:19Father and son sales team meeting with a father and son suit store.
08:23You know, you're right.
08:25We hadn't even thought of that, had we, boy?
08:28No, we sure hadn't, Pop.
08:31Oh, you're a hunter, I see.
08:33Spend your early mornings out in the blinds like Clarky and me?
08:37Huh?
08:38He calls me Clarky because he's my dad.
08:40Guilty.
08:41They don't meet many hunters these days.
08:43My dad is the best hunter there is.
08:45I mean, he's like a serial killer of animals.
08:48One time he snuck up behind a sleeping deer and just sawed its head right off.
08:53It was sick.
08:57It was his birthday.
08:59Just turned three.
09:02So...
09:02You guys, I kind of think I want to try them all.
09:05Is that crazy?
09:06Yeah.
09:07Look, without a taste test, how are we supposed to know which flavors we like to reorder?
09:10Taste test?
09:11I'm in.
09:13YOLO!
09:15What?
09:16It's a thing.
09:17It means you only live once.
09:19Yeah, we're aware of what it means, Oscar.
09:21You just do not look cool saying it.
09:24Well...
09:24Alright, everybody.
09:26Who's in?
09:27Yep.
09:30Angela.
09:31Don't make us come over there.
09:33Nah, I don't.
09:34No.
09:34Alright, let's go.
09:36Can't I just agree without putting my hand in?
09:39No.
09:40No way.
09:41Fine.
09:47Okay, guys.
09:48We all drink them all.
09:51We all drink them all.
09:53Yes.
09:54Yes!
09:54Woo!
09:55Hey, where's my ring?
09:57I'm sure it'll turn up.
09:59Where?
09:59It was...
10:00On the floor of the lamp?
10:04Yes, ma'am.
10:05We want to go east on Franklin, take that all the way to Commonwealth.
10:08You see us on the right side.
10:09You can't miss us.
10:10Whoa.
10:11Yes, sir.
10:11And I want to reach every demographic possible.
10:14No, I hear what you're saying, and we will.
10:15The thing is, we've got to lock down this key demographic first.
10:17The rest will come, I promise.
10:19Just give me a couple weeks, alright?
10:20We're talking weeks here, not months, right?
10:22Weeks.
10:22Always weeks.
10:23Man, the last time I talked months was like a million weeks ago.
10:26Alright.
10:27Good.
10:28Thanks, Dennis.
10:29Appreciate it.
10:30Hey.
10:31How are you?
10:32Good.
10:33What are you doing here?
10:34I just wanted to see you.
10:35That's so great.
10:36Damn.
10:36Jim.
10:37You got a real Facebook imagery going on here, man.
10:40You Zuckerberg this place out.
10:41It's pretty great, right?
10:42I mean, we're coming along.
10:43Hey, uh, Wade, we gotta just, uh, push up Dennis' timeline.
10:47Okay.
10:47Uh, um, actually, you know what?
10:49Give me one second, okay?
10:50Make yourselves at home.
11:02Hello.
11:03I'm here to...
11:04Is this pens?
11:05Is this the delivery of pens?
11:07I don't know.
11:08I don't open the boxes.
11:10Oh, my gosh.
11:11It is the pens.
11:12It's the pens.
11:13Mike?
11:13Is it?
11:14It's the pens, Mike.
11:15We did it!
11:16Oh, my gosh.
11:17Wait.
11:18I don't have any cash.
11:19How do I...
11:20What do I...
11:21It's okay.
11:22It's all paid for.
11:24You mother f***ing lifesaver.
11:26Get your sweet ass out of here before I do something crazy.
11:29Bye.
11:38But I think that all of your concerns will be answered when you see the brochure that Clark's getting out
11:43of my car.
11:43He's a good boy.
11:44Does whatever I say.
11:47I can't relate to that.
11:48My son hates my guts.
11:50Oh?
11:51Really?
11:51Bring him into the business and he resents me.
11:54How do you like that?
11:56Well, things between me and Clark are good, not great.
11:59In fact, I will say that they are not even good.
12:03Really, they're bad.
12:05Like you and your son.
12:07Here you go, Pop.
12:08I know it was just a couple minutes, but...
12:10God, I missed you.
12:12What took you so long?
12:13Were you loitering out there like a hooligan smoking a doobie?
12:18I sure was.
12:20Just like he taught me, looking cool.
12:22You're being disrespectful.
12:26And I love you for saying now...
12:30We all get along.
12:32Ha-ha!
12:34I just burned him.
12:36Because the truth is, our relationship is...
12:41Terrible.
12:42Terrible.
12:43Yes.
12:43Genius.
12:44Stupid, stupid genius.
12:46I should fire him.
12:48I wish I could quit being your son.
12:50I wish I could fire you from being my son, but you've got too much of my genius.
12:53Genetic material contained inside your DNA.
12:56He's right.
12:57He's inside me.
13:06Wow.
13:07This place is so great.
13:10I had no idea on the phone you made it sound kind of dinky.
13:12Well, I mean, I don't even have a paycheck yet.
13:14It is a start-up, so these things go down all the time.
13:17This company's going down.
13:18I want to go down on it.
13:20With it.
13:21I want to go down with it.
13:21Are you cool to just hang out?
13:23Sure, no problem.
13:24You ready?
13:25Yeah.
13:25Let's do it.
13:42The pen delivery went amazing, and now I've got all these pens just waiting to be unpacked.
13:46But Pam did not tell me to unpack the pens.
13:48And I'm not one of those people who's just like, uh, sure, I'll accept the pens when they come in.
13:51And then as soon as your back's turned, I unpack the pens and get all this credit as some great
13:54pen unpacker.
13:56On the other hand, they are just sitting here.
13:59Pam didn't tell me not to unpack them.
14:01Don't want to be a busybody, but I don't want to be a lazybones.
14:04Busybody, lazybones.
14:05Busybody, lazybones.
14:06Ah!
14:06My brain is ping-ponging around in my head right now.
14:08It's insane.
14:08I'm sorry.
14:10What was your question again?
14:12Oh, yeah.
14:13No.
14:14I've never had an espresso before.
14:16They're good, though.
14:18Bam!
14:20My favorite is Viennese Amaretto.
14:23And the worst flavor I've tried so far is Alpine Select.
14:27Yes!
14:30One!
14:30Kevin!
14:31Kevin!
14:32Stop it!
14:33Stop it, Kevin!
14:35That's enough!
14:35So, for your menswear catalog, I think we can offer you some very competitive pricing.
14:39I heard that before.
14:40Well, I understand.
14:41I'll bet you have.
14:42He knows nothing about what people have heard before, my son.
14:45Here we go again.
14:46Another lecture from the old man.
14:47Listen to him.
14:48He created you.
14:49Maybe if you listened a little bit, you'd improve.
14:52No wonder women despise you.
14:54Women don't despise me.
14:55His last girlfriend was a transvestite.
14:57I knew it right away.
14:59Adam's apple like the prow of a ship.
15:01Thumbs like a lowland gorilla.
15:03Huh.
15:03But this one couldn't see it.
15:04Or didn't want to see it.
15:06Alright, that's enough.
15:07Cause I could say some things about him too.
15:09Yeah, like what?
15:09Like the time that you got drunk and then killed those kids on their way to prom.
15:15That never happened.
15:16He's always been a liar.
15:17Ever since he was a little kid and he got caught saving treats from the kitty litter box.
15:22Really shameful.
15:23So we can offer you matte or glossy printing.
15:25Glistening brown morsels tumbling from every pouch in his trousers.
15:29There's obviously a volume discount.
15:31Uh, if you...
15:32Following the cat around on his knees.
15:34With his hands cupped beneath its tail going,
15:37Please kitty, may I have some more?
15:39You can't make this stuff up.
15:41No, I think someone could make it up.
15:43Someone with very few friends.
15:45Hey fellas, sorry to keep you waiting.
15:47Here he is.
15:48My son.
15:50You got cat turd collector written all over him.
15:55Did you say cat turd collector?
15:57So definitely looking to expand our market.
16:00But for now we're just concentrating on athletes that are popular here in the Northeast.
16:03Of course that's not a mandate.
16:05Mandate?
16:06I always think of two men on a date.
16:14I have gay friends.
16:16I have one gay friend.
16:17Oscar.
16:18Mhm.
16:19Alright, so what makes you think you'd be a good fit here?
16:34Obviously y'all are really busy.
16:36And I don't want to waste your time anymore.
16:38I'm sorry.
16:39I just, uh...
16:42Obviously I'm not qualified to be here, man.
16:44I'm a warehouse manager, you know.
16:47Daryl, I was a newspaper editor.
16:50Science teacher, volleyball coach.
16:52I work at a home shopping network.
16:54I'm a lawyer.
16:56I'm the only one here who can honestly help.
16:59As you know, I was a paper salesman.
17:01Hey, I find it helps if you just picture everybody naked.
17:08Cool.
17:09Hey, thanks.
17:12So, how about we start over?
17:14Daryl, do you have any, uh, thoughts on the company?
17:17Yes.
17:18Yes.
17:18As a matter of fact, I, uh...
17:20I wrote something down.
17:21Oh.
17:22There you go.
17:26Wow, this guy came prepared and impresses me.
17:34So, this is what 2 p.m. looks like around here.
17:40I usually take a siesta about now.
17:47Stocking pens, huh?
17:49You're like the new office administrator.
17:51No.
17:52I just took over the pen shipment because Pam had to leave.
17:54When I say it out loud, I know that sounds insane,
17:56but it's the truth, I swear.
17:57Pam!
17:59Pam!
17:59Look out!
18:00Aaron's gunning for your job!
18:01No, I'm not.
18:03It's not like that at all.
18:05Forget it.
18:05Pam!
18:06I'm so sorry.
18:07Pens, you did not buy into this.
18:09I am sorry.
18:10What a day you've had.
18:12Pam leaves for one day and I try to take her job.
18:15What kind of a person does that?
18:17I have everything I need and yet I have to have more.
18:20So, I take and I take.
18:22I make myself sick!
18:32No.
18:42I don't know what I'm saying.
18:43And our wireless password is ATLETE.
18:44All lowercase except the As.
18:46And then the L is a one, the H is a B, and the D is three ampersands.
18:52The L is a one.
18:53One.
18:56I'm good, thanks.
18:58By the way, Jim talks about you all the time.
19:00That's sweet that he talks about me.
19:02It's too bad he still has to work part-time in Scranton, though.
19:05Well, that's funny, because I think of him as working part-time in Philadelphia.
19:09We can't wait until you move here.
19:14I'm sorry, you guys are here to sell us paper?
19:16Do you mind? The men are talking.
19:18Sons used to idolize their fathers.
19:20What's old-timers need to stick together?
19:22And how better than by signing a contract?
19:25I'd love to.
19:27Sam Jr. here, he runs a business now.
19:29Kinda pushed me out, truth be told.
19:31I'm just here for human contact.
19:34Okay, Bob.
19:36Wait, so you're the boss?
19:39That's right.
19:41Hi, I'm Clark.
19:42Hey.
19:43Let's talk.
19:44Okay.
19:45So if you look at our catalog here...
19:48Well, thanks for coming down, Daryl.
19:49It was nice meeting you, Daryl.
19:51I think you'd fit in great here.
19:52Yeah.
19:53Yeah, me too.
19:54I think it'd be like...
19:56You know what?
19:57I think it'd be like a Kevin Durant jump shot.
20:01Perfecto.
20:16Oh my God.
20:21They're the ones who put a fish tank next to a basketball hoop.
20:24It's like if I put a glass of milk on the edge of a table and CeCe knocks it over,
20:28I don't blame CeCe.
20:29So I'm like a three-year-old girl in this scenario.
20:33Say they don't hire you.
20:34It's not like you're out on the street.
20:36You have a great job with people who love you.
20:39And I only get to see Jada on the weekends.
20:41You know, I'm not so sure I'd like living in Philadelphia.
20:45Right?
20:47It's just Philly.
20:48Everyone's acting like it's New York or Paris or London.
20:51Who needs it?
20:52Not us.
20:53Come on.
20:55Okay.
20:56So the consensus was that that was unique.
21:00They're gonna make you pay for the fish.
21:02And they wanted to know when you can start.
21:06What?
21:09How about yesterday?
21:13Congratulations.
21:15I guess you gotta move to Philly after all.
21:17Yes, I love Philly.
21:19Two or five or...
21:20Come on.
21:22No, I'm not upset.
21:24I'm really excited for Daryl.
21:28Maybe I'm a little disappointed that we'll be losing him.
21:35It feels really hot in here.
21:37Is it hot in here?
21:37It feels really, really hot in here.
21:38It's insane.
21:39They need to have the AC on year round.
21:41January 2.
21:44I don't get a point.
21:45It's a stupid window.
21:55Is this Waynesburg Prison?
21:57Yes.
21:58I'm calling actually for a George Howard scub.
22:01You may know him as the Scranton Strangler.
22:08Well, just tell him it's someone who believes in second chances.
22:14Now, why would you forward a cryptic message like that?
22:19It is Toby Flenderson, juror number eight.
22:24The guy who held out for as long as he could
22:27and then gave to pressure and sent him away for the rest of his life.
22:31Yeah, I can hold.
22:33I mean, look, you and I both know that in paper or fashion, styles change.
22:38Check out my dad's suit.
22:39You are looking at pure acrylic.
22:41That's why his face always breaks out.
22:44Does that suit come with a fire extinguisher?
22:48You know what, dad?
22:49Maybe you should buy me a suit.
22:51I mean, I'm gonna need one, right?
22:53If I'm ever gonna get a real job and move my lazy ass out of your GD house.
22:57He's got you there.
23:00That's Italian silk.
23:01Very comfortable, very tasteful, although expensive.
23:05Yeah, you don't want Italian.
23:06You'll look like a Mafia Don.
23:08Next thing you know, you'll be doing life in Rikers Island.
23:10Ah, that's better than looking like The Undertaker from Boring Island.
23:13Yeah, that place doesn't exist.
23:15It's not a documented island.
23:17Cartograph much?
23:23How do I look?
23:26Actually...
23:27You look great.
23:28They steered your right.
23:30I guess it does make sense buying from a father-son team.
23:33You know what?
23:35I'll take one too.
23:38Hey!
23:39I am so sorry you drove all this way and I haven't had like five minutes to...
23:42Are you kidding me?
23:43Oh my gosh, you didn't know I was coming? I'm fine.
23:45I have about a half hour for lunch.
23:46You wanna try to get something to eat?
23:47Yes.
23:48Yeah? Okay.
23:49Hey, can you call Park and just tell him I'm coming in for lunch?
23:51You got it, Jim.
23:52Perfect. I'll be two more minutes.
23:53Okay.
23:54You're gonna love Park.
23:55Be bad.
23:56Get the macaroni.
23:59I just watched the show and I'm like,
24:01Yeah, I do think I can dance.
24:03You know what I mean?
24:03We should start dancing.
24:05Yes.
24:05Are you popping a locker or do you do floor work?
24:08Oh, I do floor work.
24:08All right.
24:09Ha! You're a firecracker.
24:10I love it.
24:11Well, that's good to hear.
24:12Thanks for your business.
24:14Ooh, I've been sleeping through the most productive part of my day.
24:32Yeah, great.
24:33I'll see you then.
24:34Yeah.
24:36I will.
24:37And you enjoy life on the inside.
24:39Um, okay.
24:40Uh, okay.
24:41Bye.
24:51Everyone, now that we have all this energy, why don't we move the copier into the annex like we've always
24:56wanted to?
24:56Hooray!
24:58Frickin' A!
24:58Huh?
24:59So long, noise!
25:01One, two, three!
25:03Oh!
25:04And we have torn up the carpet or we're gonna be in so much trouble!
25:07Wait!
25:10It's beautiful.
25:12Hardwood.
25:13I always knew it was down here.
25:15I just never dreamed that I would actually see it.
25:17Tear up the carpet!
25:20Woo!
25:21So long, carpet!
25:26Yes!
25:28Ah!
25:29Yes!
25:30Ah!
25:31Kill that fish and they still hire me.
25:34That's how you do that, baby.
25:36It's all good.
25:37I'm ready.
25:38Y'all ready for this?
25:40Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.
25:49Everybody dance now.
25:51Yeah!
25:51Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.
25:56Kevin, move.
25:57I can't pull up the rug if you're standing on it with your rhinoceros feet.
25:59Well, I can't stand here if you pulled a carpet out from under me.
26:03Oh, my head is killing me.
26:06Does anyone have a baby aspirin?
26:07Oh, enough with the whining already.
26:09Why don't you just have some more coffee?
26:10It's all gone.
26:12I didn't get a chance to try them all because Creed poured my Bogota sunrise in the plant.
26:16I saw the leaves twitch.
26:17Shut up.
26:18You shut up.
26:20Everybody shut up and work.
26:22We don't work for you.
26:23Yeah.
26:23Yeah.
26:24Hey.
26:25It's five o'clock.
26:31Kevin, come.
26:32What is going on?
26:38Yes.
26:39We did it.
26:41Well, you opened the door.
26:42And you closed it.
26:44The boys are back in town.
26:46High fives.
26:48Hey, so, all that really specific cat turd business, that was about you, right?
26:55You got me.
26:57I used to collect them.
26:59Why?
26:59Each one is very different, like a snowflake.
27:21Hey, what happened here?
27:23You left me in charge of the pens, Pam.
27:25That's what happened.
27:26The pens happened.
27:32Are the pens here?
27:56Are the pens here?
27:57Are the pens here?
28:14Are the pens here?
Comments