- 2 hours ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:18The Tea in Nepal is very hot.
00:23But the coffee in Peru is much hotter.
00:32Last week, I finally became permanent manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton.
00:36My first project? Increase security.
00:39I got these doors from a jewelry store that had recently gone out of business.
00:42Now they're protecting America's real treasure, paper.
00:46Every morning, I email the day's security codes.
00:49To the outside observer, it sounds like the most natural conversation in the world.
00:52The swans fly south in the summertime.
00:55But in winter, they fly north.
00:59Something that's been really missing from my life has been writing secret codes.
01:03It's not the KGB, but it's a start.
01:09The tea in Nepal is very hot.
01:11But the coffee in Peru is far hotter.
01:14Close.
01:16This is Tuesday, right? The coffee in Paraguay is far hotter?
01:21Colder.
01:22The coffee in Paraguay is colder?
01:23No, I meant you were getting colder.
01:25The correct response is the coffee in Peru is much hotter.
01:30Uh, much. Okay.
01:31But that's three wrong, so I gotta give you the steam.
01:33No.
01:34Unless you want me to break protocol.
01:41No.
01:42No.
01:43Give me the steam.
01:49It's just harmless steam to panic intruders.
01:52I'd like to get harmful steam, but the prices are absurd.
01:56Break protocol!
01:57Break protocol!
01:59Break protocol!
02:01Break protocol!
02:05Break protocol!
02:06Break if you want me.
02:07No.
02:36Mama!
02:37Angela, someone wants you.
02:39Okay, we're coming.
02:44Hi, baby.
02:46Angela's divorce from the senator
02:47has been very difficult for her.
02:49When she got kicked out of her apartment,
02:52I invited her to move in with me.
02:54Ironic that now it's Angela who's living in the closet.
02:58Hey-o.
03:00Saddle shoes with denim.
03:02I will literally call Child Protective Services.
03:12Every morning I take Phillip to my church daycare.
03:15I love St. Jillian's.
03:17They do not care about your social position.
03:19They even let the custodial staff attend services.
03:24Some services.
03:26It's you at 6 o'clock.
03:29Angela!
03:30Yeah?
03:30We can't accept Phillip anymore.
03:32Why not?
03:33It has come to our attention you're cohabitating with a gay man.
03:37Another gay man.
03:38Okay, well, I can explain that.
03:40Angela, we don't understand what this lifestyle choice is,
03:43but it doesn't accord with our values.
03:45I'm sorry.
03:47Oh, hold on there, sweetie.
03:49We need to keep you away from her
03:51because we don't want you to pick up any confusing words, do we?
03:55Confusing words?
03:57Bye, Angela.
03:58So sorry. Bye, Phillip.
04:01What a bitch.
04:03Oh, hi, Jonathan. Come on in.
04:08I'll be watching you tonight in my living room.
04:10I like the sound of that.
04:12The documentary about us starts airing tonight.
04:15I better come out of this smelling like a rose.
04:17I've been on my best behavior for nine years.
04:20If it wasn't for the cameras,
04:21I would have done some truly vulgar crap.
04:27Go get him, honey.
04:28Well, don't worry. They'll get got.
04:32Manager of Dunder Mifflin? Check.
04:34Owner of a 1,600-acre beet farm? Check.
04:36Engaged to be married to an actual milkmaid? Check.
04:40On that later today,
04:43this is my grandmother's ring.
04:47It was made from a bullet I took out of her left buttock.
04:49She was a moonshiner shot by Adolph Coors.
04:52This is my grandmother's buttock bullet ring.
04:57Hi, good morning.
04:58Name is Andrew Bernard.
05:00You might know me from a TV documentary
05:03that's premiering tonight.
05:05Also killed it in local theater.
05:07And I am fresh off of a hot industrial flick.
05:11Okay, thanks.
05:13Go ahead and get in the back of the line.
05:14Yes!
05:22Well, burned all my bridges at Dunder Mifflin,
05:24and time to become the next American Idol
05:27by winning America's next acapella sensation on Channel TBD.
05:32It's a really cool show.
05:34It's like a total reinvention of the whole American Idol,
05:36voice, sing-off phenomenon.
05:38On this show, all three judges are mean.
05:44Sales form for you to sign.
05:46You know what to do.
06:00Okay.
06:01Behind every great regional manager is a great assistant
06:03to the regional manager, and I have chosen one of the best.
06:06Oh, thanks, man.
06:07Once upon a time, we were natural enemies,
06:09but we've overcome our differences.
06:10Much like Germany and Italy and World Award...
06:14Good call.
06:15Together we run a no-nonsense office.
06:29Pre-conference room meeting with Dwight went really well.
06:31Oh, bodes well for the post-conference room meeting.
06:33All depends on the conference room meeting itself.
06:37Okay.
06:39Is that them again?
06:40Yeah.
06:41Maybe you should call back.
06:44Oh.
06:46I will.
06:48The guys at Athlete are still bugging me about this three-month roadshow thing.
06:52Meeting athletes on their home turf, building relationships.
06:56Yeah, it sounds exciting.
06:57But I said no, and that's final.
07:00I almost lost Pam over this business.
07:03I'm not risking that again.
07:05When Jim decided to come back to Scranton full-time, I was relieved.
07:09But I also feel a little guilty.
07:12I mean, he's giving up this big thing for me.
07:16But he seems happy.
07:18I mean, he's certainly been goofing around a lot.
07:20I love goofy Jim.
07:22Welcome.
07:23He welcomes you.
07:25Please take an agenda item.
07:26Your agenda taking pleases him.
07:27Have a seat, Phyllis.
07:29There we go.
07:30As you know, I like to begin each day with an inspirational quote.
07:33Some say the only failure there is is the failure to try.
07:38Eh, that is wrong.
07:39Failure of any kind is failure.
07:42Jim, over to you.
07:43Let's not get crazy and ruin our no-nonsense streak.
07:46All right?
07:47So, for instance, if you're expecting a fax today, please don't yell out Michael J. Fax from Facts of the
07:52Future.
07:53Okay?
07:54That's nonsense.
07:55Question.
07:55Yes, beautiful girl in the front.
07:57We are expecting a water delivery today at 10 a.m.
08:00What if, as they're delivering the water jugs, someone screams out, nice jugs?
08:05That's obviously nonsense.
08:07Nonsense.
08:08And what percentage of nonsense do we tolerate in this office?
08:11Zero.
08:12No, no, no.
08:13Zero.
08:14Can't have nonsense.
08:15What is going on?
08:16Daycare won't take Philip anymore.
08:18Why?
08:19Apparently, my station in life has descended to a depth even they won't forgive.
08:23So, hi.
08:26Hi, buddy.
08:27Okay, um, new agenda item.
08:30Philip will be joining us at the office today.
08:32Gotta write that down.
08:34Okay, big day today, airing of the documentary.
08:37Who's excited?
08:38Over the course of this documentary, I've had three affairs.
08:42If you find my body in a ditch, let me save the police some trouble.
08:46My wife did it.
08:47We just don't know how many people are going to be watching tonight.
08:50It could be thousands.
08:52It could be millions.
08:55What if word reaches China?
08:58They are very judgmental over there.
09:02So don't air that bit.
09:05I'm not sure I'll even watch.
09:06Because if it wasn't for this documentary outing my secretly gay ex-husband, I would still be in a fairytale
09:13marriage.
09:14I'm letting you all off half an hour early to view the documentary.
09:18So you can make it up to me by working an extra half an hour tomorrow or a minute extra
09:22for the rest of the month.
09:23Ooh, announcement.
09:24Some of us whose televisions got broken during an all-you-can-eat shrimp commercial will be watching tonight at
09:30Poor Richard's.
09:30But note, all are welcome.
09:33Not just those who saw an all-you-can-eat shrimp commercial and charged their Tel Aviv.
09:39I can't believe the doc is finally going to air.
09:43When this thing started, I was still having sex with women.
09:46As was Kevin, I believe.
09:49This airs tonight?
09:51Oh, my God.
09:53If my parents see this, I am toast.
09:57What if we come off looking stupid?
09:58I mean, we don't even know what they're gonna air.
10:01You're right. We could look like idiots.
10:03Guys, do you think we're gonna be hounded by the pop-a-roni?
10:06One thing's for sure, life will never be the same.
10:08Wait, wait, wait. Oscar.
10:09Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
10:11This is verging into chit-chat.
10:12Which can quickly escalate into horseplay, which can veer around the corner into you-know-what-sense.
10:19Nonsense.
10:20Nonsense.
10:21All right.
10:21Next item on the agenda is the announcement of final agenda item.
10:25So, everybody listen up. Here comes the announcement of the final agenda item.
10:30No, no, no, no.
10:31The final agenda item is to announce that it's the final agenda item.
10:34So, there it is.
10:35Everybody listen up. Here it comes.
10:37No, this is what I'm saying. I did it.
10:39It's-it's done already.
10:40Announcement of final agenda item.
10:42Which is coming right now.
10:43I already announced it, like, five minutes ago!
10:46Like, it's hot.
10:47Okay, this meeting is adjourned.
10:48There are no more announcements.
10:50This is the final agenda item.
10:52After you announce it.
10:53Oh, my God.
10:56Good job today, everybody.
11:05This is really huge.
11:07This is like the March on Washington, but for a singing show.
11:09Woo-hoo!
11:10Can you imagine if Martin Luther King were here and sang I Dreamed a Dream from Les Mis?
11:14With that baritone?
11:15That would be historic.
11:17Woo-hoo!
11:18KCD in Cincinnati, Ohio.
11:19Whoa.
11:20Doctor, doctor, give her the news.
11:22I got a great KCD for you.
11:25America!
11:26No, this is my time.
11:27You don't belt on my time.
11:29I belt on my time.
11:30KCD!
11:33KCD!
11:33KCD!
11:39Man, those are some nice pipes.
11:41What's your name?
11:43Andy.
11:44What's yours?
11:47Why didn't you pack the apple snacks?
11:49Why didn't you pack the apple snacks?
11:51Guys!
11:52Because whenever I pack the bag, you say I do it wrong.
11:55Guys!
11:55Why don't you pack it?
11:56Guys!
11:56Kevin, what is it?
11:57Kevin, what is it?
11:57Do you want to see a video of a weatherman who says bold front instead of cold front?
12:03It's insane.
12:04Not now, Kevin.
12:06Can't you see we're busy?
12:07It's okay.
12:07Phillip needs his apple snacks.
12:09Seriously, Kevin.
12:10I'm just gonna have to go to the store.
12:12Okay, you go to the store.
12:13Phillip, Phillip, Phillip.
12:15It's all about Phillip.
12:17I hate Phillip.
12:23Not now, private time.
12:24I love Star Wars as much as the next guy.
12:26Hey.
12:27Seriously?
12:31My god, I'm so sorry.
12:34Well, this might make up for it.
12:36I think I have found an enormous source of Overlook PFN.
12:41Which is, of course, potential future nonsense.
12:44Yes.
12:44Good abbreviating, Jim.
12:46That saved some time.
12:47Now hurry up.
12:47Shut the door.
12:50Break it down for me.
12:51I'm gonna need you to look at your hierarchy, Mobile.
12:54You've got a regional manager.
12:56The power source.
12:57Obviously.
12:58The assistant to the regional manager.
12:59The loyal but bungling apostle.
13:01But what about the assistant assistant to the regional manager?
13:09Someone to whisper in the ear of the consigliere.
13:12Exactly.
13:13I'd have to get some more wire and string.
13:16But it's doable.
13:17You think any of them out there are capable?
13:20Yeah, right.
13:21I mean, unless they're willing to pass some tests.
13:23I like the sound of that.
13:25What did you have in mind?
13:26Well, I know it sounds crazy, but how would King Arthur choose the next night of his round table?
13:32It doesn't sound crazy, Jim.
13:34It's the sanest thing I've ever heard.
13:38What are you listening to?
13:40I'm, uh, locking in my starting note.
13:43A440.
13:44Oh, sweet.
13:45Acapella's all about pitch, and I am nothing if not a total pitch bitch.
13:50What's up, everybody?
13:51And welcome to America's next acapella sensation!
13:57Oh, my God!
13:58You're gorgeous!
14:00Thank you so much.
14:01And thank you for your patience, and we hope to see you guys within the next five to seven hours.
14:05Now, just to give you a couple parameters of the show, each of you will sing a song for 30
14:10seconds,
14:11after which our judges will decide if they want you in their acapella group.
14:15Now, bear in mind, our judges have no experience whatsoever actually leading an acapella group.
14:22Hey, hey, let Mark McGrath talk!
14:25Go ahead, Mark.
14:26Thank you, sir.
14:27Now, each group will start with 90 singers, which will compete in a series of singing and physical challenges.
14:33Oh!
14:34And look out for that pesky mole!
14:37There's a mole.
14:38Oops.
14:39I'm not supposed to...
14:41I'm not supposed to say that.
14:42All right, no mole, forget I said it, all right?
14:44What mole?
14:45What are you talking about?
14:45I already forgot about it.
14:47Good man right there.
14:48I'll see you guys inside.
14:49Good luck, all right?
14:51Yeah!
14:52Put some sugar ray on me!
14:54What?
14:55On a roll watch?
14:56I don't know where it came from.
14:57That was amazing, man.
14:58Yeah, it felt good.
14:58It felt fun.
14:59Yeah, you made a personal connection with him.
15:01I did.
15:01Big time.
15:02Wow, I gotta harness that energy for the judges.
15:05Yeah, and the mole.
15:07Casey, we're not supposed to know about the mole.
15:09Oh!
15:10Damn it!
15:10Get your head in the game, Casey Dean.
15:12Come on.
15:13Just focus.
15:14It's amateur hour.
15:15Relax.
15:16I just pulled something, I think.
15:24Big night tonight.
15:26Yeah.
15:27Yeah.
15:28Sorry, I can't chat.
15:30I'm working.
15:31You go to poor Richards tonight?
15:32Check out the Krogue ramp?
15:35Yeah.
15:36Everyone's going, aren't they?
15:38I meant, uh, would you like to come with me?
15:41Give me a date.
15:44Or it could be less than a date.
15:46I mean, it's just, just we'd know that I asked you there.
15:51Or it would just be a thing in our heads, really.
15:55No, I don't want to go with you.
15:57It's sitting near her.
16:00Mmm.
16:03I figured it wouldn't hurt to ask.
16:07It's wrong.
16:16What are you so excited about?
16:18Nothing.
16:19What are you up to?
16:24members of the office hear ye that means ye plop plop still we owe andy that much yeah absolutely
16:33we do am i right people fine today we will be testing candidates for the position of assistant
16:41to the assistant to the regional manager ah heck yeah nice you'll always have the upper hand when
16:47you've got a good arm trademark pending this is not an excuse to blow off work doing carnival like
16:54activities sure every participant will be getting a corn dog but that's for fueling only no savoring
16:59ah what an honor god i envy them he envies you you don't need to repeat right now all right
17:05i'm saying by two o'clock dwight will choose himself to be assistant to his own assistant me
17:20what's up what's going on how was the delivery delivered all my furniture to philly hey keep it
17:25down on nobody knows i'm here i hate goodbyes so last week when i left dunder milfin for good
17:32i pulled the old irish exit just slipped out without making a big deal no hard feelings
17:37no feelings at all a good assistant knows what their superior is thinking before they even think it
17:46meredith what number am i thinking of right now uh two nine hundred and eighty five trillion
17:52seventeen not even close meredith come on pam what song is running through my head right now
17:57theme song from saved by the bell oh my god it was the theme song to boy meets world wait
18:02no no no
18:02stop spouses can read each other's minds you're trying to give your wife this job that's exactly
18:07what i was doing plop what animal am i picturing a horse ooh the exact opposite actually what's the
18:14opposite of a horse seahorse seahorse whoa how did you know that i was gonna say that
18:27challenge number two protocol clark yeah do you want a corn dog i would love a corn dog we'll see
18:34you are an assistant who's just gotten a phone message i am in a meeting with dwight robert
18:39dunder and his niece uh-oh look who came to join us the turkish ambassador to armenia yuri slovak
18:45who by the way is extremely embarrassed about the size of his nose go ahead and read that phone message
18:50mr halpert your wife called to find out how your meeting with yuri big nose went no no no no
18:55you
18:55don't read it aloud like that god besides the whole thing is a trick question there's no turkish ambassador
19:01to armenia two countries don't have diplomatic relations
19:09uncanny i just hope that if my buddies who are still in afghanistan see me win
19:13they'll feel like anything is possible great more screen time for the war vet
19:18all you got to do is risk your life for this country and everyone goes gaga for you
19:21over at the porta potties they were interviewing a homeless single mother with three kids
19:26what is this a show about the resiliency of the human spirit or is it a show about singing i
19:34don't know
19:35but i'm getting really worried here me too hold my place in line where are you going they want feel
19:43good stories where do they get a good feel of me thanks man thank you daryl hey hey
19:55cool are you coming back to say hi no no i'm not here actually these donuts are part of my
20:01escape
20:01from the guys at the warehouse i didn't say goodbye to aha how's athlete living like rock stars i'm
20:06about to eat free steak with my sports heroes in 32 different cities wow jim really doesn't want to
20:12come he says he doesn't want to man i hope he doesn't regret it well he seems really happy being
20:19back
20:19here at dunder mifflin jim was happy here selling paper at dunder mifflin that's what he says
20:25if you say so hey good seeing you remember i was never here all right
20:32an assistant brings their boss coffee with speed and dexterity but an assistant to the assistant
20:38has a thousand times more to prove a thousand times more i'll try this one phyllis grab both these
20:44coffees double fist it and head through this obstacle course okay it's hot yeah it's real
20:50it's the only way you'll learn okay and go ahead
20:56oh god nice she's through the green everybody here comes yellow no no no real doozy
21:02careful seriously look at that form oh my god this is pathetic the boss needs his coffee
21:15here you are sir here's your coffee
21:16oh my skin ow ow ah burns ah ah ah uncanny
21:28daryl daryl daryl whoa oh hey hey what's up y'all you left us without saying goodbye
21:36oh my bad goodbye everybody hey no way are you kidding you broke our hearts get upstairs i don't
21:47think i should get upstairs mister yeah right now so i'm going upstairs you know dwight this whole search
21:54for the assistant thing none of these people are good enough i know what i'm about to say makes no
22:00logical sense and yet it might be the most logical thing i've ever said jim this is going to come
22:05as
22:05no surprise but i know exactly what you were going to say the only possible assistant to my assistant is
22:13me the new assistant to the assistant to the regional manager is dwight k shrewd yes
22:24thank you i think you might want to kneel for this and yet the manager for dunder mifflin kneels for
22:31no man
22:35wait that's it okay look really really good
22:49okay from now on anyone who needs to speak to me
22:52it's got to go through me first all right
23:03hey hey all right
23:07what's going on are you happy yes i'm happy no i know that you're like happy and like you had
23:16fun
23:17today and that was fun but what about a year from now what what about five years from now bam
23:23because
23:23i'm so glad you're back baby but i'm just i was talking to daryl and he was talking about the
23:29trip and i just feel like you're giving up so much this was my decision not yours you didn't force
23:36me
23:36i kind of fortunate you did not force me to do this i don't know how else to tell you
23:40i'm afraid you're
23:41going to resent me and i'm afraid that this is not enough for you and i'm afraid that i'm not
23:44enough
23:44for you is that really what you think
23:52not enough i don't know how else to explain it to her so
23:57you know what i know it's against the rules but i'm gonna need a favor from you guys okay you
24:03got it man
24:10i didn't realize we were this close oh we are buddy we are this close oh aaron's probably
24:17feeling nostalgic we're all a little hormonal what the doc hearing you're gonna come to port
24:22richards and watch with us tonight uh yeah depending on traffic he ain't coming oh god
24:31these dudes are definitely in a weird mood picked the wrong day to return the truck okay i should
24:38probably be taking off you know what really is tearing me to pieces all the years daryl was here
24:43i never gave him a hug i never gave daryl a hug oh i purposely avoided hugs from daryl because
24:48his
24:49cologne's so overpowering come here big buddy i'm next big buddy i could use a taste
25:01castle and what's good okay here we go webster's defines begging as the act of asking with earnestness
25:12and humility oh god and so with earnestness and humility i toby do beg you nelly to to come with
25:22me
25:22Look, okay, I'm gonna, I'm gonna come, I'm gonna come with you to Pour-Rich's tonight.
25:28Okay.
25:29Mm.
25:29Okay?
25:30Mm.
25:31Okay?
25:31Yes.
25:32All right.
25:32Yes.
25:33Well, that's great.
25:34That's great.
25:35It feels good.
25:37Okay.
25:38No.
25:42Okay.
25:52Well, it's been great.
25:53Eleven years.
25:54A guy's in your life for eleven years and then he's gone for who knows how long.
25:58Maybe forever.
25:59Anyhow.
26:00Did we ever have lunch together?
26:02Just, just the two of us.
26:04You know what?
26:05I'm gonna make reservations right now.
26:07At Cucino's.
26:08I reserve a half an hour to play checkers with Daryl.
26:11Checkers is very important to me, you all know that.
26:13Mm.
26:14I got winners.
26:15Question for Daryl.
26:16Did we ever get loaded and listen to Zeppelin in my van?
26:19Oh.
26:20Oh, I'm sure we did.
26:21Nah.
26:22I call one hour van time with Daryl.
26:24Daryl, you know, I would love to just record some of your stories.
26:27Just let the tape roll for six or eight or ten hours and just see what we get.
26:31Listen guys, we can do it all.
26:33We just have to divide Daryl's next twelve hours into ninety minute segments.
26:37I will go watch an eHow video on how to use Excel and then we'll get this started.
26:41Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
26:41Wait a minute.
26:43Okay, I made the mistake of sneaking out of here.
26:46And that's on me.
26:47But, I'm not gonna spend the rest of the day here doing stuff with you cause you're feeling sentimental.
26:54You have to.
26:55Hey, hey, hey.
26:56I'll do one thing with y'all.
26:59Which thing?
26:59I don't care.
27:01Choose amongst yourselves.
27:02Not the band, though.
27:03Okay.
27:06Yes, it's fine.
27:09Kevin.
27:09Kevin.
27:10Oh, you know my name.
27:12Well, that is shocking.
27:15Kevin, could you not do that?
27:17What?
27:18I'm moving the ink down in my pen.
27:20For work.
27:22Here, use my pen.
27:23Don't tell me what to do.
27:24Shh.
27:25I don't need this.
27:26And you obviously don't need me.
27:29Kevin, where are you going?
27:30Away.
27:31Tell Philip that his stupid little baby wish came true.
27:39He just won't go down.
27:41And that's if he's excited by all this paper.
27:43I know.
27:44Earlier today he tried to eat some of the 24 weight letter bond.
27:48Smart baby.
27:49That's the most flavorful bond.
27:58Hey, what's going on over here?
28:00Some sort of singing competition for the young'uns?
28:03You're back.
28:04No, it's me, Andy.
28:06No, I know.
28:07No, no, no.
28:07I'm wearing makeup.
28:08You did a really great job.
28:10You even look shorter.
28:12Oh, I took out my lifts.
28:13Oh.
28:13Yeah, unlike Andy Bernard, this character's my real height.
28:16Wait a second.
28:16Are you a singer and an actor?
28:19You want to know the truth?
28:20Yeah.
28:21Singer, actor, musician, dancer.
28:23The quadruple threat.
28:25It's so rare to meet another one.
28:28Holy Toledo.
28:30Hold on a second.
28:31Hey!
28:32Hey, producer of the singing show!
28:34I got this old man who can really belt.
28:36It's a real heartwarming human interest story.
28:39What's that, you say?
28:40Yeah, be confused.
28:42All day long it's moo the cows and cluck the hems,
28:46get the sheep bod, oink the pigs.
28:49Oink the pigs, that is very important.
28:52Dwight, I'm telling you about all the things that Ma said
28:54after the horse kicked her in the head.
28:56Where are you?
28:59Dwight?
29:00The way that boy looks at the Galactica
29:02is precisely the way I look at the Galactica.
29:06And he eats the same kind of paper I do.
29:09Hmm.
29:18Thank you, Esther.
29:31You threw the summoning bag at me, sir.
29:33I need you to perform a test.
29:35Perform a test.
29:36On an innocent baby.
29:38Ooh.
29:39I like where this is going.
29:40Unfortunately, I have a lot on my plate today,
29:42so I'm gonna have to hand this off to my number two.
29:44But don't worry.
29:46He's the best in the biz.
29:48Damn straight.
29:49Unless you think he can't handle it.
29:50Hey, he can handle it.
29:58Listen, listen.
29:59Shh, buddy.
30:01Stanley's sleeping.
30:02You don't want to wake up the grumpy old walrus, do you?
30:04I heard that.
30:06Mama.
30:08Hey, you want me to take the little diaper blaster?
30:10Pam can attest there's no one better at getting brats
30:12to shut their yaps.
30:14He does have a gift.
30:16Well, he's crying for his mom, but...
30:18Okay, here.
30:19Here we go.
30:19Careful, he bites.
30:21Okay.
30:25You ever been in a manager's office before?
30:28Philip, you want to play a little game?
30:30It's called shroot or consequences.
30:32You're gonna choose one of these two things.
30:35A check for a million dollars,
30:38or this dirty old beat.
30:42Yuck.
30:43Phew.
30:44Which will it be?
30:47Money or the beat?
30:51Beat.
30:52Yeah.
30:54I see.
30:55Any ordinary child would have taken the money,
30:57but you're no ordinary child, are you?
30:59No.
31:00I can tell by your gorgeous, widely set eyes.
31:08Sorry, folks.
31:09The judges are totally swamped.
31:11We are all done taking auditions.
31:12Okay!
31:13Whoa, whoa, whoa!
31:15What?
31:15Thanks for coming out,
31:16and please be sure to watch America's Next Acapella Cency.
31:19Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
31:20You can't do that.
31:21You can't do that.
31:22We've all been waiting.
31:23I am going in there.
31:24Don't, don't, don't touch me.
31:27Wait.
31:27I'm not touching you.
31:28Oh.
31:30Run, old man!
31:31Run!
31:32Ow!
31:32Run!
31:33Run where you live!
31:35Get, oh, don't you dare.
31:36Don't get, I thought you were going to get handsy with me.
31:39Not interested.
31:40Oh, Casey Dean!
31:42You'll be seeing the last of me,
31:43or I meant you won't be seeing the last of me.
31:51Can I talk to you for a second?
31:53Well, I've never really had much for saying that, have I?
31:56Okay.
31:56Okay.
31:57This is really hard for me.
31:58But, uh, I don't think I should be with someone who doesn't want to be with me.
32:04You're cancelling our semi-non-date-ish standabout at Paul Richards?
32:08Yeah, that, whatever it is, it was, it's over.
32:12The whole thing.
32:18Do you understand that you are breaking up with a woman who is, in fact, not dating you?
32:24Yes, I do.
32:26For the first time in my life.
32:28And the end feels right.
32:38What was that, exactly?
32:41Did Toby just reject me?
32:44Does he think by rejecting me, I'm going to suddenly want him?
32:48That old cliche.
32:50Yeah, because it didn't work.
32:52Newsflash, I still don't find Toby attractive.
32:56Hmm?
32:57Even though he finally grew a spine and told me where to get off.
33:02All right, maybe I find him a tiny bit more attractive now.
33:04But, I mean, come on!
33:06Toby's my last chance!
33:10Toby's my last chance.
33:13And now he doesn't even want me.
33:16My God, he's good.
33:19Excuse me.
33:22Hey!
33:23Did you manage to feed him?
33:24I don't know what it is.
33:25He just keeps spitting out the nipple.
33:27That's because this baby is of superior intelligence
33:29and can tell when he's being tricked out of the experience of a real human breast.
33:33Come on.
33:35He's not that smart.
33:36He doesn't know where I hid his duck.
33:44I am beautiful, no matter what they say.
33:51Yes, words can't bring me down.
33:58You're still here?
33:59Ah!
34:00Thank God!
34:01Cle Aiken, Santi Gold, Aaron Rodgers.
34:03You're like my three favorite people ever.
34:05Shh!
34:06Excuse me.
34:06What is this?
34:07Sweetheart, you're amazing.
34:08Okay?
34:09You're obviously gonna be on the show.
34:10So, it's someone else's turn now.
34:12Yep.
34:13Go ahead.
34:13All right?
34:15Um, my name is Ezra Cornell, and I'm just a kindly old fellow with a song in my heart.
34:23No.
34:24You're a middle-aged man with a lot of makeup on.
34:27Busted.
34:28Got it.
34:29Yes.
34:29All right.
34:30Tried to get your attention with tricks, but you just want to hear me sing.
34:34I respect that.
34:35We do not want to hear you sing.
34:37Gabriella was our last audition.
34:40Goodbye.
34:40Nope.
34:41Can't end like this.
34:42Slept in my car last night.
34:44Quit my job.
34:45Burned all my bridges.
34:46I went to the bathroom on my boss's car.
34:48And I did unspeakable things with Carla Fern.
34:51Flag on the plate.
34:52That's...
34:53That's what...
34:54Yeah.
34:54Okay.
34:54All right.
34:55Well, here's the song.
34:57Far above Cayuga's waters, with her wave so blue, stands our noble alma mater.
35:09What is this song?
35:10Are you insane?
35:12It's the Cornell fight song.
35:13Listen.
35:14All right.
35:14Thank you very much.
35:15We're not interested.
35:16You didn't let me finish.
35:17That's not fair.
35:18Look, man.
35:18You're not terrible.
35:19But we've heard a lot of really good singers today, and you're just not good enough.
35:23Wow.
35:24You guys are really mean.
35:25I guess that's the show.
35:27Let me try a different song, okay?
35:29Can you do this?
35:29Hey, hobo man.
35:31Hey, dapper Dan.
35:33You both got your style.
35:35But, brother, you're never fully dressed without a smile.
35:42Hey, your clothes may be both probably.
35:47Look.
35:48You gotta go.
35:54You can't just sit here and cry.
35:56Oh, I can't so!
35:57Just sit here and cry!
36:16Hey, Kev.
36:17How you doing, buddy?
36:18I can't hear you.
36:20I'm giving you the silence treatment.
36:23How does it feel being ignored?
36:27Okay, I guess it's just that Philip got you something.
36:30Yeah, a $25 gift card.
36:33iTunes.
36:34I think there's like $7 left.
36:36It's just his way of saying, thanks for letting me hang out in accounting.
36:40Philip got this for me?
36:42Sure.
36:44That was a really cool move.
36:46Would you like to hold, Philip?
36:50Yeah.
36:52That's Kevin.
36:54Whoa.
36:55Easy.
36:56What a chubbers.
36:59Whoa.
37:00Okay.
37:00I'm losing my balance.
37:02Now, Kevin.
37:02Hey, no.
37:03No, no marsh play.
37:04Stop it.
37:05You wanna play with the cactus?
37:06No, no.
37:07So, me and Philip were just talking, and we've decided
37:11we're gonna be best friends.
37:14He's a little standoffish at first,
37:17but once he starts buying you things,
37:19man, you can tell he likes you.
37:26Toby.
37:27What?
37:29Nothing.
37:30This is gonna come as a surprise to you.
37:33Certainly came as a surprise to me,
37:35but I have reconsidered,
37:36and I will go to Paul Richards with you as your date.
37:40What?
37:44No.
37:45I don't wanna be anybody's second choice.
37:48Second choice?
37:49Oh, try 11th.
37:51See, that's what I'm talking about.
37:53Okay?
37:54You're making my point for me.
37:56I want the fairy tale.
37:59Sorry.
38:07I want the fairy tale.
38:13We have our decision.
38:15You chose one thing.
38:18We want to dance with you.
38:20You wanna dance?
38:22One dance.
38:23All of us together.
38:26This is what you want?
38:27Yes.
38:27Absolutely.
38:28Mm-hmm.
38:31Better get some decent speakers up here then.
38:33Cause we're gonna do this right.
38:35Yes!
38:36Yes!
38:38Yes!
38:39Woo!
38:39Woo!
38:40Woo!
38:45Alright.
38:46You want the fairy tale,
38:48well here it is.
38:49Toby,
38:50I am throwing myself at you.
38:53I want to be with you tonight.
38:55Take me to this dark den,
38:57and do with me as you please.
39:03Wow.
39:06Okay then.
39:08That's all I wanted.
39:09Somebody wanting me for me.
39:12You know?
39:13Not me always running after them.
39:16It's kind of rousing.
39:18So...
39:19Yes.
39:20Yes.
39:21I will go with you to poor Richard tonight.
39:25As your date.
39:31No.
39:33Sorry.
39:34Oh.
39:34Oh, I'm so sorry.
39:36No.
39:37No, I can't.
39:38I can't.
39:38I thought I could...
39:39I can't.
39:40Oh, it's remarkable, isn't it?
39:41How close we come to making life-destroying choices.
39:44But...
39:45No.
39:46So, so sorry though.
39:50Buffalo wings on me tonight.
39:52Oh.
39:53Hmm?
39:59Hi.
40:01Free wings from a woman.
40:03It's not too shabby.
40:06Hey.
40:07You wanted to see me?
40:09Door.
40:09Chair.
40:13It's about Philip.
40:14I'm sorry he's here today, but I had this...
40:16I believe that that boy may be a shrewd.
40:19And if he is, that child needs to be accorded what is his.
40:24An enormous farm, an inheritance, and the right to be raised under rigorous shrewd traditions.
40:32You will, of course, be compensated with a marriage proposal.
40:39How thoughtful.
40:41Then the two of you would move to my 1600 acre estate.
40:43Which, let's face it, is a big step up from living in a gay man's closet.
40:48If...
40:49He is your son.
40:52That's a great plan.
40:54But he's not.
40:57He's not your son.
41:00Very well.
41:03Can I go back to my desk now?
41:04Yes.
41:18What's this?
41:19Well, I've been trying to tell you how I feel.
41:22And...
41:22You wouldn't believe me.
41:24So...
41:26I needed a little help.
41:29Jim.
41:29I need my assistant to the regional manager. Code red.
41:31Okay.
41:32I don't have my pocket code chart on me right now, so...
41:35Now!
41:37I have an assistant now who can help you with whatever you need.
41:40He is lazy, so crack the whip.
41:42Jim.
41:42I'm not kidding.
41:44I need you.
41:49Go ahead.
41:52Okay, um...
41:53This is...
41:55I'll be right back.
42:01What do we got?
42:02I was thinking of proposing to Esther today.
42:05Wow!
42:06Okay, congratulations.
42:07That's a really big step, man.
42:08She's got a ton of great qualities.
42:10She's young.
42:11She's beautiful.
42:11Jeans.
42:12So pure you could lick them.
42:14Her family admires me.
42:16My family tolerates hers.
42:17A lot of them are the same people because we're third cousins.
42:20Which is great for bloodlines and isn't technically incest.
42:23Right in the sweet spot.
42:24I think you're gonna be really happy.
42:25Plus her dowry contains a walk-in freezer full of frozen premium cattle sperm.
42:31That's a lot of pros.
42:32And did I mention that she weaves?
42:34Colorful, durable blankets and rugs.
42:36It all adds up.
42:37So what is the problem?
42:43Angela.
43:10I don't know what you want me to tell you, man.
43:14All I know is that every time I've been faced with a tough decision,
43:20there's only one thing that outweighs every other concern.
43:25One thing that will make you give up on everything you thought you knew.
43:30Every instinct.
43:33Every rational calculation.
43:36Some sort of virus?
43:38Love.
43:40Oh.
44:00The anger swells in my guts.
44:06And I won't feel these slices and cuts.
44:14I want so much to open your eyes.
44:21Cause I need you to look into mine.
44:30Tell me that you'll open your eyes.
44:37Tell me that you'll open your eyes.
44:42I'll live in love with you.
44:43What?
44:45Tell me that you'll open your eyes.
44:52Tell me that you'll open your eyes.
45:00Dwight, listen.
45:01No matter what happens.
45:04You gotta forget about all the other stuff.
45:07You gotta forget about logic.
45:09And fear.
45:11And doubt.
45:12You just gotta do everything you can
45:15to get to the one woman who's gonna make all this worth it.
45:19At the end of the day,
45:22you gotta jump.
45:27You love Angela, Dwight.
45:32I think you always have.
45:38You're a good assistant, Jim.
45:40I'm not as good as you.
45:43That's very true.
45:47Get the hell out of here.
45:48You got it.
45:50I was just, um, checking out my presents.
45:54This is an amazing gift,
45:55because it comes with bonus gifts.
45:59Look inside.
46:05Oh my god!
46:08The yearbook picture!
46:10Yes!
46:10Incredible!
46:11Is this the boggle timer?
46:13I didn't think you were gonna get that one.
46:14I really didn't know.
46:15Oh no!
46:15This is like the best present ever.
46:17Wow.
46:17Okay, wait.
46:18Wait.
46:19What is this?
46:20The mini golf pencil you threw at me.
46:22Like three years ago, you saved this?
46:26And I won't waste a minute without you.
46:36You watched it?
46:38Yeah.
46:39Well, then I guess you're ready for this.
46:44What's that?
46:45It's from the teapot.
46:48Everything you'll ever need to know is in that note.
47:07Not enough for me.
47:10You are everything.
47:12I'm gonna have to go.
47:15I'm gonna have to go.
47:18I'm gonna have to go.
47:19I'm gonna have to go.
47:25Okay.
47:26Ready, everybody?
47:27Hit it, Red.
47:28Hit it, Red.
47:58Hit it, Red.
48:01Let's go.
48:02Nice.
48:02Midnight brings so slowly into the hearts of men
48:06Who need more than they did,
48:09Like things so bad and true of all
48:13But who has made too many things
48:16The Bureau stands you in the face
48:20And says, baby, I'm in the way
48:23You say you're messed up, you don't care
48:27You dance and she go hurt
48:33Boogie on the land
48:37Boogie on the land
48:40Boogie on the land
48:45Sounds like a boomerang night
48:47I chase my back
48:49No dreams to boogie-walking the land
48:53I found romance
48:55When I start dating still boogie-wondering
49:00I find romance
49:02When I start dating still boogie-wondering
49:06Oh, love
49:10Love in the way you've gone
49:13Oh, love
49:16Deep to be love can be gone
49:20Oh, love
49:22Deep to be so pale
49:23And my heart keeps saying
49:26Boogie on the land
49:31Wonderland
49:32Oh, love
49:34Dance
49:37Boogie on the land
49:40Ha, ha
49:41Dance
49:44Boogie on the land
49:46Ooh, ooh
49:47Ooh, ooh
49:48Yea, yes
49:49I find romance
49:51When I start dating still boogie-wondering
49:56I find romance
49:59When I start dating still boogie-wondering
50:03Dance
50:04Ooh, ooh, ooh
50:06Dance
50:06Ooh, ooh
50:07Dance
50:08Ooh, ooh
50:10Da, yes
50:11Dance
50:12Ooh, ooh, ooh
50:13Dance
50:14Ooh, ooh
50:15Da, yes
50:16i wanted to leave quietly it seemed dignified but having kevin grind up on my front while
50:21aaron pretend to hunt me from behind is more accurate tribute to my years here
50:27i'm gonna miss these guys okay i've got my see you guys at poor richards all right merida
50:33all right see you there bye philip listen high five yay i'm gonna drop philip off at my mother's
50:42and i'll meet you at poor richards in an hour you sure you don't want me to drop him off
50:45she doesn't know i'm living with a straight woman i don't want to get her hopes up
50:48all right bye buddy bye bye bye oh my goodness
51:00pull over dwight move to the side of the road why
51:06i'm all over
51:08what are you
51:09dwight
51:14dwight what the is your problem who drives like that i love you
51:20and i don't care that philip's not my son i will raise a hundred children with a hundred of your
51:25lovers if it means i can be with you
51:29can you put that down this expresses how loudly i love you it's too loud
51:41this is a ring taken from the buttocks of my grandmother put there by the gangster patriarch of the
51:48koers dynasty melted in a foundry run by mennonites okay yes yes i will
51:58i love you
52:00i love you
52:04and i lied to you what
52:07philip's your son what why would you say that i just needed you to want to marry me
52:12because you wanted to marry me
52:16get out i'm a dad you're a dad
52:27hey grab a seat we have that table and that table but not that table or that table or that
52:33table
52:34floor's up for grabs meredith has been hogging the can
52:39no
52:42you have to change the channel to pbs yeah college baseball's on well there's a documentary
52:47coming up everyone in the bar will love it what's it about a paper company oh how many people want
52:53the game yeah who wants pbs
52:59yes sorry time means i do nothing sir please this show is about me and my attempts to find love
53:07in all the wrong places one more for the doc
53:15all right yes how is the singing show audition oh whatever no big deal
53:25okay 30 seconds to show time
53:27i feel scared a little yeah i'm not ready for this no one is ready for this you can't be
53:34ready for
53:35this we don't even know what this is one thing we do know nothing will ever be the same here
53:41we go
53:45all right jim your quarterlies look very good how are things going at the library oh i told you
53:50i couldn't close it so so you've come to the master for guidance is this what you're saying grasshopper
53:57uh actually you called me in here all right well let me show you how it's done
54:05so
54:14so
54:14so
54:14so
54:14so
Comments