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00:20Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:22I'm Roy Wood Jr.
00:24In the news this week.
00:27Christy Noem patrols immigration hotspots offshore.
00:36Chuck Schumer welcomes viewers to tonight's episode of Have I Got News For You.
00:41Tonight is going to be long, painful, and tedious.
00:46On Amber's team tonight, she's a journalist for Puck and the author of a feminist history of Russia called Motherland.
00:53And I'll ask her if it's true that in Soviet Russia, dog walks you.
00:57It's Julia Yaffe.
01:02And joining Michael, you know him from Around the Horn, highly questionable game theory in his podcast, The Right Time
01:09with Beaumonti Jones.
01:10And I'll ask this Emmy winner if he understands the rules of curling, because I still don't.
01:15It is Beaumonti Jones.
01:19All right, let's play the feud.
01:21Time for the biggest stories of the week.
01:23Amber, Julia, watch the clip.
01:25Tell me what's the story.
01:27The story is Trump.
01:29He's pointing over there, because you know what's over there?
01:32This asshole.
01:33Little guy.
01:34And dogs fighting.
01:36Just normal America stuff.
01:38Voting.
01:38I think I see what it is.
01:40Do you?
01:40Yeah.
01:40Okay, tell him.
01:43Is it them fighting over the SAVE Act?
01:47Republicans are trying to keep the president in check, while the Democrats are just kind of hoping that a giant
01:52meteor takes out planet Earth.
01:55Short of that, they'd like to win some elections, and one congressional Democrat plays an exciting game of would you
02:01rather.
02:01I would rather stick forks in my eyes than be here tonight to listen to Donald Trump talk about the
02:07State of the Union.
02:09Michael, what would you say the State of the Union is right now?
02:12Well, here on CNN, now owned apparently by Paramount, the State of the Union has never been better, and we
02:19have Donald Trump to thank for it.
02:25His speech was mostly Donald Trump's usual talking points, but he did his best to make it must-see TV
02:32with some thrilling cinematic reveals.
02:35I'm thrilled to say that he is here tonight with his wife Amy, Eric, and Amy, come on in.
02:42Alejandro, I'm pleased to inform you that not only has your uncle been released, but he is here tonight.
02:49We brought him over to celebrate his freedom with you in person.
02:53Enrique, please come down.
02:55Because when I just get let out of something, that's who I want to hang out with.
02:59Now, the speech was many things, but mostly it was long.
03:04The president broke his own record for the longest presidential address to Congress, speaking for one hour and 47 minutes.
03:11Now, lengthy speeches like that usually have some sort of overall theme.
03:15If you go and talk to the populace for an hour and 45 minutes or so, you want a main
03:20message, a through line.
03:22But, buddy, what vibes did you get from the State of the Union?
03:24Same vibe as always, man.
03:26Fuck them.
03:29The theme from the president's speech appeared to be slow, agonizing death.
03:35One bullet after another, violently and viciously, shredding his leg into numerous pieces, bleeding profusely, dead in a bathtub, blood
03:45all over, gushing blood which was flowing back down the aisle, helicopter lands at a steep angle.
03:52Terrible speech, great movie pitch.
03:56It's American carnage.
03:58It's American carnage.
03:58Again, like his first inauguration speech.
04:01Now, partway through the speech, the president tried to trick the Democrats with what he believed was a make-or
04:07-break question.
04:08Does anyone know what he asked of the Democrats?
04:11Are you sick of me yet?
04:14If you agree with this statement, then stand up and show your support.
04:20The first duty of the American government is to protect American citizens, not illegal aliens.
04:42Trump knew what he was doing there because it's a bad look if you stand up.
04:45It's a bad look if you sit down.
04:47And he knew it.
04:48He hit that shit like Larry Bird at the three-point contest.
04:50He didn't even get done with it.
04:52He was already turning around, celebrating.
04:54He didn't even get finished saying it, like, watch what's about to happen.
04:56He knew he did it.
04:58He knew he did.
04:59If there's one Democrat that seems to have it figured out on how to play these State of the
05:03Union addresses, it's the old Texas boy, Al Green.
05:10No, it's not that Al Green.
05:13No.
05:14Not love and happiness, Al Green.
05:16This gentleman is in the Congress.
05:17We have the smartest audience on CNN.
05:24I got you.
05:27Al Green is a singer.
05:29He's also a congressman.
05:32Does anyone know what Rep Al Green did at this year's State of the Union?
05:36He held up a sign that said black people are not apes.
05:38Then the Sandman came along and was like...
05:43Sandman is on the Apollo.
05:47Here's Al Green just a few minutes into the president's speech.
05:56He got kicked out.
05:57Now, if that looks familiar, it's because Al Green did the same thing last night.
06:01Next year...
06:02Different sign.
06:03The State of the Union usually starts right at 9 o'clock.
06:05Last year, Al Green got kicked out at 9.24.
06:07This year, Al Green got kicked out at 9.14 p.m.
06:12Now, shave 10 minutes off his top.
06:17That's a champion.
06:18Mm-hmm.
06:19Every year, he say he gonna show up.
06:21Every year, he tells somebody, I'm gonna be there at 9.30.
06:24So, can I make a prediction for next year?
06:26Yeah.
06:26Al Green will get kicked out at 9.04.
06:29As soon as Trump get on stage, Al Green pull out that Uber app.
06:33Mm-hmm.
06:37Now, that was Al Green's strategy.
06:39And one Democrat did the bravest thing of all.
06:42They went to the State of the Union,
06:44but wearing a pin with Donald Trump as Pinocchio.
06:48Ah.
06:49That'll show him.
06:49Damn, boy.
06:51Don't worry.
06:52Chuck Schumer pulled out the big guns.
06:55Oh, all right.
06:56This is gonna be good.
06:57Mm-hmm.
06:58Did he write a letter again?
07:00Chuck Schumer went on social media.
07:01Oh.
07:02Oh.
07:02And he wrote,
07:03last night was not America's State of the Union.
07:06It was Trump's state of delusion.
07:09Oh, shit.
07:10Damn.
07:11The senator posted that the day after the State of the Union.
07:16Oh, he stayed up all night thinking about that.
07:17Yeah.
07:17What should I say, state of union, state of collusion?
07:21What else rhyme with unions?
07:24Now, what good news did the Democrats receive on Tuesday?
07:28Wait, there was good news?
07:30I mean, no one told me.
07:31While Trump was up there doing all his yelling about blood and helicopters and all of that,
07:36Democrats won a special election in Maine's 94th State House District,
07:40and Democrats won two special elections for the State House in Pennsylvania,
07:45keeping their majority there intact.
07:48How are Republicans preparing to make sure that that never happens again?
07:53Election fraud.
07:54It's not fraud if it's no election at all.
07:57You know what I mean?
07:57Oh.
07:58In his speech on Tuesday,
08:00Trump talked about exactly how they're going to do it.
08:04I'm asking you to approve the Save America Act.
08:08All voters must show proof of citizenship in order to vote.
08:15I love how J.D. Vance kept his glass covered the whole speech.
08:19Got that Cosby napkin on top of his shit.
08:24You know why, right?
08:26Hank's set's only, like, 15 feet away.
08:29Why is the Save America Act actually a real threat?
08:33Because when you get married, your name is different than the name you were given.
08:37Ooh.
08:38So then you're fucked.
08:40Yeah, the Save Act requires documents like birth certificates and passports to register to vote,
08:47but the hitch is millions of Americans do not have access to either of those documents,
08:53and half of them don't even have a passport at all.
08:57Some of us do have library cards, which is a passport to adventure.
09:00That is not the same.
09:02They're basically setting up a dragnet of paperwork to make it eligible for you to vote.
09:07Are we really sure we want women to vote?
09:10Okay.
09:12Okay.
09:12I'm just asking questions.
09:14I'm just asking questions, guys.
09:15They say that has extra restrictions in place for women voters.
09:19Now, since women often change their names when they get married...
09:21And are feeble-minded.
09:22Yes.
09:23Heads too small.
09:24Yeah, that too.
09:25And there's a lot of uterus juice in there.
09:30Since women can often change their names because of marriage and the birth certificates
09:34no longer match their driver's licenses, which means they can't vote because their paperwork
09:39ain't right, Republicans claim women should bring in their marriage certificate, which is
09:44a thing that everybody just absolutely has, just laying around the house.
09:48Here's South Dakota Senator Mike Rounds.
09:51If you get married, you show them your marriage certificate and you're on your way once again.
09:56Right.
09:56So, yeah, it's out there.
09:59It's a no-brainer.
10:00You're going to walk in like a paralegal, rolling like a thing of paperwork to register?
10:05Julia, if you're a woman and you've gotten married, if you want to vote because the names
10:10don't match, you go upstairs to the attic and you get your marriage certificate license and
10:15then you remember it's not there, so you drive to the storage spot where you put it because
10:19you didn't have a lot of space after the basement flooded.
10:22And then you realize it's not there.
10:23And they actually auctioned your storage unit because the credit card had expired and you
10:27didn't know.
10:27And you don't check that email account.
10:29And now you've got to figure out how to get a whole new marriage license.
10:33It's easy.
10:37I don't understand the complaining from this side of the...
10:41This side doesn't see the issue.
10:42I'll be honest.
10:44So a lot of these things that Republicans do to kind of make sure elections go their
10:50way tend to backfire, like the redistricting, right?
10:53I'm thinking of the kinds of women who get married and change their name.
10:57Like, do they all vote Democrat or do a lot of them vote Republican?
11:02Hmm.
11:03I think what you're saying is...
11:04Because Democratic women are whores who don't get married and they just stay with their
11:09cats.
11:10Jeremy!
11:12Oh.
11:14Now, why does the president claim we need all of these incredibly strict voting laws across
11:20all genders?
11:21Because the Republicans are about to get their asses handed to them in the midterms.
11:26Yeah.
11:27One group that keeps a database of voter fraud crimes claims that they found fewer than 100
11:32cases of non-citizens voting between 2002 and 2022.
11:37So that's about five people a year.
11:40That's not a big deal.
11:41Like, you eat five Legos a year.
11:43You don't...
11:43You live.
11:45The average American eats five Legos while they're asleep every night.
11:50As stringent as the voter ID requirements are, some conservatives are saying that even still,
11:56they want more.
11:57Watch as Fox Businesses, Maria Bartiromo, uh, takes a real left turn.
12:02How do we know that the driver's license, uh, is going to be adequate if you have heard
12:08stories that they're giving driver's licenses to illegals?
12:14Again, there's no evidence that non-citizens are voting in our elections, Maria.
12:17We have seen many cases, in fact, that illegals have, in fact, tried to vote.
12:23You even have illegals driving big trucks and they can't even read the signs because they're
12:28in English.
12:29What did that sentence even mean?
12:33Michael and Bo Mani, watch the clip.
12:34Tell me, what is the story?
12:36Oh, I've heard about that guy.
12:37That's our friend, Jeffrey Epstein.
12:39What do you mean, our?
12:40Uh, he's getting arrested.
12:42Letter of resignation.
12:44Who is that?
12:44Oh, oh, oh.
12:45No, that's that guy, Comer.
12:46Oh, and then, and then Hillary Clinton.
12:48Let's go get the polls together.
12:50Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.
12:51I think it's a story about all the people who have gotten in trouble because of Jeffrey Epstein,
12:56except for Donald Trump.
12:58The story is, everything with the Epstein case is still looming large over the corridors
13:02of power.
13:03Uh, Congress is finally getting around to taking depositions, and another influential
13:09man resigned from his job this week.
13:13Question, what powerful, influential man is stepping down this week?
13:18It's, uh, it's Larry Summers from Harvard.
13:20Oh, Larry.
13:21Yeah, Larry used to work at the bank.
13:22The CEO of the World Economic Forum, Borge Brende, stepped down this week.
13:27Just a day after Harvard University announced that their former president, Larry Summers,
13:33is resigning over his friendship with Epstein.
13:37What other powerful man publicly apologized for associating with Epstein?
13:43Oh.
13:44Bill Gates.
13:45Gates?
13:46Oh, yeah.
13:47Did you know?
13:48Yes.
13:49Bill Gates.
13:50But only after you said it.
13:53Yes, it is Bill Gates who issued an apology.
13:57The old B-Jeezy apologized to the staff of his charitable foundation for spending time
14:03with Epstein.
14:05Bill Gates also admitted to having affairs with two women, at least one of which Epstein
14:10reportedly found out about and tried to blackmail him over.
14:15I have to stop you right fast, because I saw a headline that we went past.
14:18Did that say Russian bridge player?
14:20Yes.
14:21How old is she?
14:27But these are just resignations and apologies.
14:29Ultimately, we want arrests, and there was one this week.
14:32What big Epstein vs. arrest happened this week?
14:37Former ambassador to the U.S. from the U.K., Peter Mandelson.
14:41Peter Mandelson, you'll remember he's the U.K.'s former ambassador to the U.S., has been
14:46arrested on suspicion of misconduct in public office.
14:49Does anybody remember what Peter Mandelson wrote in the Jeffrey Epstein birthday book?
14:55No, but I'm sure it was fine.
15:01Peter wrote a note referencing Jeffrey's, quote, glorious homes that he likes to share with
15:07his friends, parentheses, yum-yum.
15:13Now, he just said yum-yum, but all I heard was...
15:21This was for his 50th birthday.
15:24I've got friends in their 50s, male friends.
15:27I can guarantee you, I have never said yum-yum to one of them.
15:31Until now, Bomani?
15:35Yum-yum.
15:38So what part of the show is it where we change teams?
15:46Meanwhile, in America, there was some American accountability happening.
15:49Both Bill and Hillary Clinton gave closed-door depositions before the House
15:53Oversight Committee.
15:55It all went down at the Chappaqua Performing Arts Center, where next month you can also
15:59catch The Seven Wonders, a tribute to Fleetwood Mac.
16:04After denying the Clinton's request for an open hearing, here's what happened during Hillary's
16:09deposition.
16:10Clinton's testimony was briefly paused today when a conservative podcaster posted this photo
16:16of her online.
16:17The podcaster, Benny Johnson, said it was provided by Republican Congresswoman Lauren Boebert,
16:22despite rules that prevented photos inside that room.
16:25Honestly, if we're talking about Lauren Boebert and leaked photos, this is best-case scenario.
16:32The photo leak did derail the deposition for about half an hour.
16:36Here's Hillary on how her day went.
16:38I don't know how many times I had to say I did not know Jeffrey Hepstein.
16:42I never went to his island.
16:45I never went to his homes.
16:46I never went to his offices.
16:48I mean, the one thing I feel like we definitely knew was that Hillary was not invited to that
16:52island.
16:55Like, I'm not, and, and, and, I'm not, while I myself would not want to go to that island,
17:02imagine for a second you were going to that island, looking for a good time, and then Hillary
17:06Clinton pulls up.
17:09Everybody, go home.
17:10Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, get dressed.
17:12Get dressed.
17:12Yeah, but there are a lot of headlines coming out of Chapitre.
17:14The real headline coming out of Chapitre is Echoes of the Eagles coming this April to the
17:19Chapitre Center.
17:22The number one Eagles tribute for vocal harmonies.
17:26Do they even need to talk to the Clintons at all?
17:28Oh, I, I know.
17:29Do you remember when Hillary Clinton was the first lady of Arkansas?
17:34Okay.
17:35And she was Hillary Rodham.
17:37Okay.
17:37And Republicans were like, that is unacceptable for you to not have a different last name
17:42than your husband.
17:44So they, so then they put all this pressure on her, and she changed her name to Hillary
17:48Rodham Clinton.
17:49So maybe this is all about just not letting Hillary vote.
17:52See where you can start.
17:54I saw it.
17:55You landed the plane.
17:56Well.
17:57That uterus juice.
18:10Welcome back.
18:12It's time for the Offender Meter.
18:14Teams have to tell us who's the offender, what they did, and who they offended.
18:18Let's have some fun.
18:19Show me an offender, please.
18:24This is Kash Patel.
18:27Yes.
18:27His left eye offended his right eye by staring at him.
18:32Yes, indeed.
18:34Have you ever seen a dog when the can opened and...
18:39Food?
18:40Yes, that is FBI Director Kash Patel.
18:43Who did he offend this week?
18:45He took a private jet.
18:48Oh, points.
18:49Yeah, I give you that.
18:50I give you that.
18:51I was on this show a year ago, and we talked about the same exact thing.
18:55Because he's still taking the jet.
18:56He sure is.
18:57You can't go back to taking commercial.
19:00Now, first and foremost, Kash Patel offended former FBI Director Christopher Wray by saying
19:07this on a podcast two years ago.
19:10I'm just saying, Chris Wray doesn't need a government-funded G5 jet to go to vacation.
19:14Maybe we ground that plane.
19:16$15,000 every time it takes off.
19:20Now, why is it weird that Kash Patel would criticize an FBI Director for using a private jet?
19:27Because he does that shit all the time.
19:30Points.
19:33Yes, Kash Patel is under fire once again for his use of a private plane.
19:38This time, Kash went to Italy and caught some of the Olympic Games.
19:42Here he is in the locker room with the U.S. men's hockey team.
19:45Now, before we show you this clip, I want you to know Kash Patel played zero minutes in this game.
19:53But here he is celebrating their gold medal win.
20:10I want to know who the sucker is that gave him the gold medal.
20:14Like, I would personally believe that you have worked a little bit too hard to let, you know,
20:19cosplay with you.
20:22But how did you refer to Kash Patel?
20:27It's like that Naughty by Nature song came on.
20:32Here's what I've learned, man.
20:33We've deemed a lot of things to be offensive.
20:37Laughing at people being cross-eyed.
20:39Still in style.
20:41Never going away.
20:42Now, question for the panel.
20:44How much money did Kash Patel's Euro trip cost the United States taxpayers?
20:49Seven million dollars.
20:53Estimates put the cost of Patel's trip at likely as much as $75,000.
20:59Aw, that's fine.
21:01Now, this all might sound very trivial, but this week saw even more revelations about Patel and his plane usage.
21:07What came out this week about Kash and government jets?
21:11He lives in one.
21:14According to a whistleblower who came forward to Congress,
21:17Kash has been using FBI jets,
21:19and his usage of FBI jets for all these random things
21:22has interfered with the whole solving crime stuff that you're supposed to do with the FBI.
21:28One FBI team assigned to the investigation of the shooting of Charlie Kirk
21:33had their deployment delayed by at least a day.
21:37I heard that he...
21:41Remember when there was a shooting at Brown University?
21:44Oh, yeah.
21:44They couldn't get the special FBI agents up there fast enough
21:48because Kash Patel was using the plane for fun.
21:51Oh, y'all are on it today.
21:52And that's not all.
21:54The FBI response team was delayed in responding to December's mass shooting at Brown University
22:00because there was no available plane for them to take.
22:04Director Kash Patel was in Florida with one of those jets.
22:07I'm just wondering, like, is there not a regular flight they could get?
22:09Well, yeah, I had that same question, too.
22:12Like, you need a private plane to fight crime.
22:13I'm gonna need the hands.
22:15I'm gonna need the hands.
22:17I was trying not to do it, you know what I mean?
22:20But it's five minutes till three, you know what I'm saying?
22:23And I'm just like, do you need a private plane to fight crime?
22:26That's all I'm asking.
22:28It's five minutes till three, oh, my God.
22:33So Kash Patel was holding one FBI plane and using another one in South Florida.
22:39Question to the panel, what was Kash Patel doing in South Florida in the first damn place?
22:45Visiting his mama.
22:47Chugging beers?
22:48Chugging beers with his mama.
22:52And you know what time they were supposed to get together?
22:56I'm not looking.
22:58Oh, boy.
22:59Oh.
23:00An FBI official said Kash Patel was using the jet to visit his elderly parents.
23:06You're not allowed to awe Kash Patel.
23:10The hell is the matter with you people?
23:12Wait, so then couldn't he have just taken a regular flight?
23:15Same way?
23:16No, he had to get there by 2.55.
23:22And there were no more flights.
23:25Let's see your offender.
23:26Who is this offender?
23:28He's some guy going, eh.
23:31That is Anthropics CEO Dario Amadei, seen here telling Honey that he did, in fact, shrink the kids.
23:39Who did Dario offend?
23:42The Pentagon.
23:43Pete Hegseth.
23:44Pete Hegseth.
23:45Ooh, double points.
23:46Yes.
23:47Dario offended former Fox Weekend anchor and current every other weekend father, Secretary of War, Pete Hegseth.
23:55How did Dario offend?
23:57This is one of those stories where we're on the side of A.I. for some reason.
24:02Yeah, he was like, you wilding right now, y'all.
24:04This is going way too far.
24:07The man who has A.I.
24:08So the Pentagon wants to have Anthropics A.I. to be able to do all lawful orders.
24:17And Anthropic is saying, if we allow you to do that, and then you decide, Pentagon, that we can have
24:24autonomous robots just blowing people up everywhere, we'd rather our A.I. was not used for that purpose.
24:31And the Pentagon said, go fuck yourself.
24:34Yeah.
24:35But what old buddy doesn't realize is if the A.I. decides actually the Pentagon's idea is better, it's still
24:41going to do that shit.
24:43Yes, Dario offended Pete by asking for guardrails around the Pentagon's use of his company's artificial intelligence.
24:51Here's what went down earlier this week.
24:53Anthropic was awarded a $200 million defense contract last summer in a meeting with the Pentagon Tuesday.
24:59Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth gave CEO Dario Amadei until the end of the week to sign a document ensuring the
25:06military would have full access to the company's A.I. model.
25:09Yeah.
25:09So Anthropic, they have a government contract.
25:11The government contract's in place, and now Hexf wants full access to the product.
25:16And we all agree that is not a good idea, because we've all seen Terminator 2.
25:23Can we pull up that picture again?
25:24Because this is like a billion-dollar company.
25:27Their logo is a butthole.
25:33Now, Anthropic isn't so sure about whether or not the Pentagon should have complete all access to their A.I.
25:39Question, what was the disagreement about between Anthropic and the Pentagon?
25:44They have, like, this whole will-they-won't-they.
25:50That's exactly what it is.
25:51We don't know if the Pentagon's going to do what they say they're going to do with the technology once
25:55we get it to them.
25:56Oh, great.
25:57Then that's how I meant that.
25:58I know.
26:00Here's the main sticking point on the issue.
26:02The areas that Anthropic says it doesn't want the military using its model are for mass surveillance of Americans and
26:08fully autonomous weapons.
26:10Exactly.
26:10You don't want autonomous weapons?
26:12Guns don't kill people.
26:13Well, now, guns will be the thing killing the people.
26:17Hold on.
26:18There might be a bright side.
26:19They did a study with this Anthropic stuff with Claude, and they told Claude that they were going to shut
26:25Claude down, and they ran a bunch of simulations.
26:27And 84% of the time, Claude's response was to blackmail the company so that the company could not shut
26:34Claude down.
26:34I'm just saying, Claude might save us all.
26:38Yeah, Headstaff is pushing to remove restrictions on fully autonomous weapons systems, and that's probably going to be a bad
26:45idea because it all came to a head on Thursday when Anthropic finally rejected the Pentagon's terms for lethal use
26:51of their chatbot.
26:52Let's just take it around the horn.
26:54Do we want artificial intelligence in our military?
26:57Hey, let him finish.
26:59Sorry.
26:59Roy, go ahead.
27:00Do you want artificial intelligence in your military?
27:02No.
27:05And maybe one reason why a lot of people feel like that is because AI can't stop recommending nuclear strikes
27:13in war game simulations.
27:16A researcher at King's College in London found that AI models from OpenAI Anthropic and Google opted to use nuclear
27:23weapons in simulated war games in 95% of the cases.
27:28Okay, but why don't we say only 95%?
27:33There's still 5% where everything's fine.
27:35Okay.
27:36What do you think AI expert Donald Trump had to say about the whole Hex-Saf-Dario?
27:41That he's been fully exonerated.
27:46He's like, I want to meet this Claude guy everybody's talking about.
27:50On Friday, Trump posted, quote,
27:52We will decide the fate of our country, not some out-of-control, radical-left AI company run by people
27:59who have no idea what the real world is all about.
28:03That was Offend-Demeter.
28:14Welcome back.
28:15It's time for Lie Curious.
28:18I give you three biographical details about a public figure, but only one is true.
28:22You have to get to which is true and which are despicable lies.
28:26Time for three facts about United States Special Envoy to the Middle East and Wolf Blitzer before a full moon,
28:33Steve Witkoff.
28:36Our facts about Steve are he befriended Trump at a deli at 3 a.m. in 1986.
28:42He has a weekly meal called Tortellini Tuesdays.
28:45He was the executive producer of the UPN sitcom Shasta McNasty.
28:50Which one is the truth?
28:52I'm rooting for three.
28:53We're going with Shasta McNasty.
28:54What with the premise of the sitcom Shasta McNasty?
28:57You don't remember?
28:58I just remember it existed, and I knew when I saw the title I wasn't going to watch it.
29:03Team Amber?
29:04Number three can't be real because of the way Roy acted.
29:09So it has to be one.
29:10What do you mean it can't be real?
29:12It can't be real.
29:13Roy didn't know what it was.
29:15So it doesn't exist, so we're not about to show a clip of it.
29:19I know everything.
29:20It's number one.
29:22Do you know the real answer?
29:23I do.
29:23Is it number one?
29:24Yes.
29:25It's number one!
29:27Steve Witkoff befriended Donald Trump in a deli at 3 a.m. in 1986.
29:34Does anyone know what favor Steve Witkoff did for Trump when they met at the deli?
29:39Ooh, I don't even want to thank him.
29:40Ugh.
29:41He let him borrow some money.
29:42To do what?
29:43To buy his food.
29:45Points!
29:46Ah!
29:47Ah!
29:48Ah!
29:49Ah!
29:50Ah!
29:50Ah!
29:50Steve Witkoff bought Trump a sandwich.
29:52I'll be damned!
29:54The story came to light when Witkoff testified in one of Trump's fraud trials, telling the
29:57court, quote, I ordered him a ham and Swiss because Trump didn't have any cash on him
30:01at the time, and now they're friends!
30:04How long was Trump sitting in that deli waiting for somebody to come along?
30:08This week, Steve Witkoff was accompanied by evil Pee-wee Herman, Jared Kushner, in Geneva
30:13for some diplomatic talks with Iran.
30:15Things are tense with Iran right now, and Trump's been ramping up military presence in
30:19the region.
30:20And last weekend, Special Envoy Witkoff told Fox News that Iran is only a week away from
30:26developing nuclear bomb-making materials.
30:29Question, what makes that announcement so surprising?
30:34Well, we obliterated it.
30:36Yeah, we obliterated their nuclear program, friends forever, we obliterated their nuclear
30:42program according to the Trump administration.
30:44Said it back by decades, if not centuries.
30:48And that was in June.
30:49Eight months ago, the White House issued a press release with the title, Iran's nuclear
30:53facilities have been obliterated, and suggestions otherwise are fake news.
31:00So, when you're one week out from having a nuclear program, what is there left to do
31:05in that last week?
31:06The last part of the nuclear program in developing your warheads, this just put the stickers on
31:11the missiles.
31:11Oh, okay.
31:13It's like a big flame, so it looks like it's going fast.
31:17Time for three facts about Nicki Minaj.
31:20Yay!
31:21Yes.
31:22Seen here thinking about the Kid Rock duet she's going to have to do pretty soon.
31:28Our facts about Nicki Minaj are, she has a stand shrine to Russell Crowe.
31:33She used to sell fire extinguishers.
31:36She's allergic to her own perfume line.
31:39Team Amber.
31:40She has a stand shrine to Russell Crowe.
31:43That, I think, might be true.
31:44You don't think number two would be like, oh, I had this hardscrabble youth, and I, instead
31:49of selling...
31:50Fire extinguishers, isn't it?
31:50Well, some people sell candy on the subway, and some people sell fire extinguishers.
31:54You're saying she went on the subway, had fire extinguishers.
31:59I'm just saying she needed money for her basketball team.
32:01It's like, what time is it?
32:02It's showtime.
32:03Who wants a fire extinguisher?
32:06I want to see the person that's like, hey, hey, in fact, let me get two.
32:09You want a red or a white one?
32:11Let me get two reds, let me get one white.
32:12I'm going with number three because of her dedication to alienating anybody that would
32:17want to like her in the first place.
32:19Nicki Minaj sold fire extinguishers.
32:22Oh, my God.
32:23Let me solve her.
32:24Is there a fire extinguisher store you go to?
32:28Yeah.
32:28Great.
32:28Like, where you ring it up and like, oh, who helped you with these fire extinguishers?
32:32Nicki over there.
32:33She was wonderful.
32:35This has been, like, Curious.
32:37More after the break.
32:48Welcome back.
32:49It's time for Missing Words.
32:51Here's your headline.
32:53Arizona clerk sued for trying to blank.
32:56Dang, look at the size of that.
32:57Redact the Epstein files.
32:59Apparently, quite a few things.
33:01Arizona store clerk sued for trying to cash in $12.8 million lottery ticket left behind
33:07by a customer.
33:08Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
33:09Well, you can sue for that?
33:11You find it.
33:12It's yours.
33:12You left it.
33:13Yeah.
33:13No, but there's nuance to the story because the clerk is being sued by his employer, Circle
33:18K. He tried to cash in the winning lottery ticket that somebody else was supposed to buy,
33:23but they left the ticket because they didn't have enough money.
33:25Here's how authorities say it all went down.
33:27Oh.
33:27The cashier printed $85 worth of tickets.
33:30The customer paid for $60 worth and left.
33:33The remaining tickets sat on the counter.
33:35The next morning, store manager Robert Galitza came in to start his shift.
33:39He quickly learned a winning ticket had been printed at his store the night before.
33:43He clocked out, took off his Circle K uniform, and walked back in as a customer, paying $10
33:48for the remaining tickets, including the one he already knew was worth nearly $13 million.
33:54Okay, that sort of ingenuity is the reason America's so great.
33:58That's how we got here.
34:01You think it's brilliant to just take your shirt off and come back in, or I am customer.
34:07I have on glasses and mustache.
34:08It was worth a try.
34:09I love that he thought of it immediately.
34:11He had to try something.
34:13You're holding millions of dollars in your hand.
34:15He paid for them.
34:16Those tickets weren't paid for.
34:18He paid for those tickets.
34:22He paid for them the day after the drawing had already been done.
34:26He paid for them.
34:27So the fuck what?
34:27He paid for them.
34:28He should have got a discount on them.
34:30They was old.
34:35So Circle K is suing the manager that bought the ticket, because according to state rep Jeff
34:41Winogar, the administrative rules say that if the store overprints tickets, the store
34:46owns those tickets.
34:47Circle K might have just won $12.8 million.
34:53He paid for those tickets.
34:55The next day, the whole point of the lottery is to bet.
34:58You're supposed to risk your $25 before the drawing, and then they have the drawing, and
35:03then you sit there nervous, and your wife Tammy comes in and goes, baby, you promised to stop
35:06gambling.
35:07You go, get out of here.
35:09And then you win, and then you leave your wife.
35:12You have to risk something.
35:14He risked nothing.
35:17Here's your headline.
35:18Authorities accused man of blank after uncovering shocking security footage.
35:23Authorities accused man of going to Beetlejuice and sitting next to Lauren Boebert after uncovering
35:30shocking security footage.
35:31Authorities accused man of training a dog to illegally dump his trash after uncovering
35:36shocking security footage.
35:38Shocking security footage?
35:39Adorable security footage?
35:42Authorities in Sicily say they suspected a man had trained his dog to illegally dump garbage
35:47bags on the side of the road after seeing security footage of the dog doing the same thing two
35:53or three days in a row.
35:54Let's take a look at the evidence.
35:56Here's the dog on the first night with the garbage bags.
36:02So you can say that's one night.
36:04That's an anomaly, right?
36:05But then here's the police watching video of that same dog the next night.
36:13That dog doesn't have the same spring in his step as he did in the movie.
36:17He's starting to realize, oh shit, like this is, this is gonna be every night, isn't it?
36:22He's a bit old.
36:24In a Facebook post, the police called the video, quote, a scene that leaves little room for
36:28doubt.
36:29But this wasn't the only big trash news this week.
36:33Does anyone know what surprise an Ohio sanitation worker got this week when he opened up the
36:39trash bin?
36:39It better not be a baby.
36:41I'm sick of those stories.
36:42No, this is not sand.
36:43Oh, then it's a foot.
36:50Here's Chicago's ABC7 with the answer.
36:53An unsuspecting sanitation worker got quite the scare when they popped the top on a bin,
36:58not finding trash, but a person wedged inside who, upon spotting police, quickly bolted and
37:03was later arrested.
37:05Police posting online saying, as luck would have it, Oscar the Grouch, as we've nicknamed the
37:09suspect, appeared at just the right place and the right time.
37:13I feel like the cop was already looking for the suspect, like it was already a foot chase
37:17and he was hiding in the bin.
37:18And then the trash truck came and now you gotta choose between being compacted or going to
37:24jail.
37:25Yeah.
37:25Whatever he did, he did that shit.
37:28That's missing words.
37:29More after the break.
37:37Welcome back.
37:38It's time for which is higher.
37:40Teams, I will give you two unrelated numbers from the news.
37:43You tell me which is higher.
37:45The amount director Peter Jackson paid to de-extinct the New Zealand moa, a giant bird that went
37:52extinct 600 years ago.
37:54Or the record-breaking amount influencer Logan Paul just sold his ultra-rare Pokemon illustrator
38:00card for at auction.
38:02You can un-extinct something?
38:04And that's what he chose?
38:06You don't know how that bird tastes.
38:07That New Zealand moa might be some good wings on that one.
38:11Now, I feel like I read an article about this Logan Paul Pokemon thing.
38:15He bought it for like five million.
38:17Then he turned around and sold it for a fortune.
38:19Now, no one has ever needed anything less than people need these two things.
38:26I hope they both cost $80 million.
38:28The amount Peter Jackson paid to de-extinct the New Zealand moa is $15 million.
38:35And the amount that Logan Paul just sold his ultra-rare Pokemon card for is approximately
38:41$16.5 million.
38:44So the Pokemon card is higher.
38:48Everywhere you go, someone's going to be like, look at that emu.
38:51And you have to go, it's not an emu.
38:53It's actually special and expensive.
38:56In order to bring back the New Zealand moa, Peter Jackson has partnered with Colossal Biosciences,
39:02a genetic engineering company that's also trying to bring back other animals from back in the day,
39:07like the woolly mammoth, the dire wolf, the Tasmanian tiger, and the dodo bird.
39:13The bird that was so dumb it died?
39:15Yeah.
39:15Meanwhile, Logan Paul's rare Pikachu Illustrator card was purchased for $16,492,000 by an avid collector
39:26who has a connection to this very show.
39:29Panel, which child of a former guest on Have I Got News For You bought the card?
39:36I really don't feel like Gritty was ever a guest on Have I Got News For You.
39:41Well, who's the richest person?
39:43The card was bought by A.J. Scaramucci, son of Anthony Scaramucci.
39:49Oh, the mooch.
39:50But it turns out his plan of buying the Pokemon card is part of a larger plan.
39:56Here's the young mooch junior explaining why he bought the card.
39:59The real story is I'm on a planetary treasure hunt right now,
40:05and I'm on a quest to buy a T-Rex dinosaur fossil that's on my list.
40:12What?
40:13I'm going to buy the Declaration of Independence, maybe from you.
40:15Yep.
40:16We'll find out.
40:16Bro, this is crazy.
40:19Everything in that clip was brought to you by Ketamine.
40:23That was Witch's Hire. We'll be right back.
40:28Time for a game called Who's That Baby?
40:32I'll show you a famous person's baby picture, and you tell me, who's that baby?
40:38Let's see the baby.
40:39This baby has a black belt in judo.
40:42Okay.
40:43They won their last election in a landslide.
40:45Oh.
40:47And they're a former KGB officer who invaded Ukraine.
40:50Okay.
40:51I'm going to just throw it out there that it might be Putin.
40:55Great guest.
40:56That's my teammate right there.
40:57That's a great guest, Bomani.
40:58That baby is Vladimir Putin.
41:01Julia, as someone who spent a lot of time in Russia growing up,
41:05do all the school day pictures look like that?
41:08That is your school day picture growing up in Russia?
41:11So, like, there is no specific job for, like, baby photographers or child photographers.
41:16They just tell the kid, there is no Santa.
41:19And then they take the picture.
41:21Merry Christmas.
41:22That was Who's That Baby.
41:24I want to thank our guests, Julia Yaffe and Bomani Jones.
41:27And, of course, thank you to our team, Captain Jamba Ruffin and Michael Ian Black.
41:33Before we sign off, here are a few more stories we are watching this week.
41:38New York boy wins Pizza Hut Book It Challenge.
41:45Everybody at work knows you're high.
41:52I'm Roy Wood Jr.
41:53And I'll see you next week for another episode of Have I Got News For You.
41:56And I did not agree for this deposition to be filmed.
42:00Good night.
42:00We'll see you next week for another episode of Have I Got News For You.
42:03We'll see you next week for another episode of Have I Got News For You.
42:03We'll see you next week for another episode of Have I Got News For You.
42:04We'll see you next week for another episode of Have I Got News For You.
42:04We'll see you next week for another episode of Have I Got News For You.
42:04We'll see you next week for another episode of Have I Got News For You.
42:05You
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