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00:02you want to make the base useful let us build something useful on the base but in order to do
00:06that of course i have to charm the appropriations committee and then we have to deal with those
00:10vacuous vote whores in washington dc it's a vicious cycle oh that's oh my god that really
00:18opened up we agreed i had the night off oh yeah listen it's your anniversary happy anniversary
00:25thank you we can talk about it tomorrow oh well tomorrow's saturday and we should hit
00:29it hard on monday the universal day for starting work and also funding requests aren't due for
00:34another six weeks so i know the key to staying one step ahead is being two steps ahead at all
00:39times
00:39last summer we weren't and we got some funding for what the stupid frisbee golf course that nobody
00:44likes well it's actually called disc golf and it's pretty popular i played with some people in
00:48college that's the robos yeah but now we're soldiers not stoner virgins afraid of real sports listen you
00:54guys enjoy it's your anniversary enjoy the dinner and i'm taking this with you we're
00:58uh yes oops that's his one you can have mine
01:02mhm
01:06abe did you not tell him we were going away this weekend no i did he just hasn't approved my
01:10leave
01:11yet but don't worry about it i've succeeded in getting leave last minute before
01:14oh yeah after a protracted game of cat and mouse i was able to attend half my uncle's funeral
01:19oh thank you
01:23from the colonel congrats no one thought you'd make it did you get the note
01:51so hey i just wanted to run something by you um it's celeste's idea but i'm on board too
01:55it's a little unconventional oh i know what's going on she wants to do weird sex stuff right
02:00oh no no no you know what happens is when a relationship starts to go south of a marriage
02:03yeah they read a cosmo article the next thing you know fingers are going places they should never
02:07be going right listen you're vanilla yeah and that's okay yeah it is okay vanilla is the world's
02:12most popular flavor for a reason a little help for me look at this this is why i hate saturdays
02:18right because it's like you and me are the only two people working we sure are i just need to
02:23ask
02:23you for this weekend off for my anniversary once again you know i promise to work the next five
02:28saturdays which is plenty of time to finish by the deadline i don't want to cut it that close and
02:32also i gave you a day to celebrate your anniversary that's all you need you're celebrating a day in
02:36your life with a day my little frisbee go have you seen a little disc hey jan this yours yes
02:44it has
02:44my name on it yeah yeah okay let me show you something pal this disc belongs to me now oh
02:49my god
02:50what are you doing here i thought you were going on your big trip to bruges i saw celeste's
02:55anniversary post that said y'all were cruising for a bruges and we were supposed to go today but
02:59then the colonel's making me work can't you just have somebody fill in okay yeah i'm just gonna go
03:02to the sha store and find some extra sha watch some sha in order i'm so sorry i'm freaking out
03:07right
03:07now okay okay look i have people fill in for me all the time remember last week when we had
03:12that
03:12inventory meeting on zoom that wasn't me that was regina from special ops okay but she did a
03:17presentation yeah we face swapped and she lip synced all you need to do is find yourself a regina
03:22and swap her in okay so it's like the indiana jones hand switch thing he swaps the golden statue for
03:26a bag of sand i just need to find a bag of sand a bag of sand with nothing better
03:34to do dare me to
03:36drink this hot sauce we share a bathroom so no too late oh that's a good bag of sand yeah
03:42it really is i need
03:45no just use the use the teen centers i'm not gonna
03:47ah
03:53hey uh hey come on in
03:58is everything okay yeah why wouldn't it be oh no i i mean you did comment on celeste's anniversary
04:04post so oh yeah well that's the polite thing to do yeah you also commented hashtag love wins with
04:10six fire emojis yeah yeah that's i mean it had to be convincing yeah well i'm not convinced so that's
04:16why i'm gonna ask you one more time are you okay would a person who's not okay be pulling off
04:23a hat
04:24like this oh and you are pulling it off i'm doing it i know it what is this it is
04:31rosé all day pink
04:32okay look i know that you're not over this situation with celeste and shaw but this is no
04:37time to be making emotionally charged hair choice it's not it's just a streak a terrible streak
04:43yeah a terrible streak yeah that's it i'm taking you off base you never take me off base especially
04:51on the weekends you didn't even let me drive you to urgent care that time they found your car in
04:54a
04:55ditch i'm willing to make an exception in light of this craft for help streak we gotta get this fixed
05:00asap you coming with me to my salon okay don't forget that off the base privileges can't be
05:04revoked immediately if you can't hang oh i can hang no hat no hat and go chain yeah of course
05:15i'm
05:15yeah yeah listen in the words of my grandmother when i pushed her down the slip and slide i just
05:20don't
05:20think this is a good idea the colonel already loves you really yeah yeah it's unconditional hey it's
05:26there no he doesn't not yet at least listen people need to be exposed to me in low doses to
05:32build up a tolerance it's like babies with peanuts right now if i give the colonel just a little bit
05:37of papa d every day 20 years from now he's best man at my wedding what about if i teach
05:41you everything
05:42you need to know and then we can cut it down to 10. i don't know if i'm gonna meet
05:46a model that likes
05:47me by then who am i kidding okay i got pretty good people instincts and i know when someone's
05:55desperate like this you should probably trust him i'm in yeah what do i need to bring nothing just
06:01your computer and a high tolerance for verbal abuse all right what snacks like sweet or savory snacks
06:05oh you don't need to worry about that the colonel only eats beef jerky when he's working it's his
06:08perfect food meat gum oh and by the way under no circumstances defend waiting in lines geneva
06:14conventions or paddington so let's go i got a training catch come on
06:21hey thank you so much for bringing me to your cool secret salon okay i'm just a regular person
06:26always good to see you zelda
06:32why is she calling you zelda look me bringing you to my salon and me letting you in on my
06:37personal life
06:37are two different things i live in a moral gray area i don't need people know much about me
06:42well you know my deepest darkest secrets they're not that dark one day they might be
06:46yeah i'm i'm i'm just trying to get you to open up yeah yeah i know that but i'll be
06:50right back
07:01and now they're kissing okay hey hey hey it's everything uh chill out here yeah but chill who is
07:09this blowout with the sad eyes your new partner don't worry about it she doesn't tell me anything
07:14either well i got it over the border you can take it from here hi oh yikes it seems like
07:25a tricky
07:26situation is she um like a friend of yours or excelda maybe we talked about this no we didn't oh
07:31yeah we
07:32no we didn't and i would like to
07:33looks like hacking with some friends okay what's up colonel what's he doing here oh well with only
07:44six weeks to write our three-page request we need a shortcut and papadakis here is our shortcut he's
07:50gonna hack into the other bases proposals and give us an unfair advantage i like the sound of that yeah
07:55fairness is overrated ah hey you have not earned meat gum my friend okay well i'm already in the
08:04usa gv spotted back door looks like they're requesting five million dollars to promote
08:12mental health unbelievable a bunch of paddington's right we don't need to go
08:17near controversial topics no no no what is your opinion of paddington soldier
08:24there's another word for a bear that lives in your house rent-free eating your marmalade
08:29a bum that's the one thank you this little bear he's got no job but he's got a briefcase what's
08:34in the briefcase you tell me i'll tell you what's in the briefcase not pants he doesn't wear any you
08:38know what i like the cut of your jib have yourself some meat gum hey okay all right look at
08:46this dynamic
08:47deal it's like uh i don't even need to be here right what what am i doing here right what
08:52are you
08:52you doing here
09:00i like hacking i know it's a nerd word but it's the only thing about computers i think sounds
09:05tough like gene hackman hacksaw ridge wow i really wish i knew something about computers since today's
09:10task seems pretty computer dependent we're okay here i think you can go ahead and take your little
09:14trip now trip yeah oh the trip oh yeah i actually totally forgot about it i mean i could check
09:19on
09:19tickets if they're still available great go have fun and we'll see you later if you need me you know
09:23all right you can get out of here bud just you know making sure you're all set dynamic duo
09:31you ever seen indiana jones when he pulls a little sandbag switch he thinks he got away with it till
09:40the big boulder comes rumbling thundering down after him you know why because the boulder wasn't fooled
09:49i'm the boulder i only saw the one with shia labeouf i'm a bit lost
09:58so yeah you seem pretty down and i'm just wondering if it has anything to do with that
10:02woman who kissed you and slapped you and gave you a bag what's in the bag nothing you need to
10:09worry
10:09about well no i'm not worried i'm just you know asking questions as a friend and sometimes friends
10:14answer i gotta go in here i'll be right back
10:29i know it's last minute yeah it's over three kilos but i'll i'll still take care of it for you
10:35oh i appreciate you lars you know i owe you all right do you want to leave it here oh
10:39no no i feel
10:40much safer with it with me bless you oh that's just my friend you know what there was no way
10:49anything was going to stop this anniversary trip and the colonel was pretty cool about it not that
10:53i'm thinking about the colonel but you know what just call me colin farrell because my head
10:57is already in brood oh i guess that makes me friend english oh well he's a good actor hey hey
11:03a
11:03little help hey you guys uh heading out on your little anniversary trip huh sure are yeah what are you
11:09doing out here and i thought you were working in that you hated disc golf you know what i apologize
11:13for that because now i realize the error of my ways papadakis and i were working away and my
11:18my brain was melting staring at that computer while we were hacking and he said i know the perfect antidote
11:23he says disc golf before i could say no he says how can you say no no before you say
11:28yes
11:30wow anyways so now i guess we're kind of throw bros oh wow you got a handshake too yeah yeah
11:36well we'll see
11:37you guys on uh monday just one second just one second here okay so this is kind of funny because
11:41i brought in papadakis here as glorified i.t i know yeah here you are just just hitting it off
11:47we've got
11:47this natural dynamic it's like it just works do you yeah push pull yin yang leonan and mccartney we're
11:53making music together it's crazy yeah here's the thing about him this yeah he yeah he's not a yes man
12:00you know what thank you sir i love a good challenge why don't we make this a foursome you
12:06and your friend versus me and my friend wife wife we're never gonna be friends let's go we got this
12:14let's go latte no i'm actually gonna go back i gotta go to the bathroom and it's a small town
12:26distinctive shoes so you should try out the secrets that i could discover yeah
12:37find your way back to warrior two stretch those arms to the left and come back to the center
12:45and breathe in jan jan jan shh namaste maggie quinn sorry i just need your help with something i knew
12:59this moment would come and i am flattered that you ask but i simply cannot donate any more sperm
13:04apparently now my chromosomes are a threat of genetic diversity no that's no thank you i just need you to
13:11tell me in your expert opinion if this bag is full of drugs if you can't remember there's a good
13:15chance it is it's not my bag it is my friend's bag hey and why don't you just open it
13:20then let's see
13:21well that would violate my friend's trust but if i had to guess i would say that it feels like
13:26three
13:27kilos of something very powdery three kilos give it here okay
13:36oh yeah i'm sorry to inform you but this bag is not drugs you're sure honey i've been escorted out
13:42of amsterdam twice yes i'm sure okay well that is a relief to hear you know i mean the drugs
13:46part
13:46everything you've said is very disturbing what are you doing i said don't open it oh yes that is
13:51something you said yeah yeah my short-term memory is not good on account of real drugs but you'll be
13:57happy to hear that your friend's cremated remains appear to be in excellent condition cremated remains
14:04cremated remains why why would she be smuggling cremated remains across the border sometimes you
14:10just have to make a body disappear and even the local police are scary good at finding dna these days
14:15ah and i'm sort of an expert on dna on account of all the sperm i give out
14:25let me show you how we do it at suny binghamton all right okay okay
14:30no gun gun gun what relax it's a bb gun yeah we're not playing the normal crap ways playing
14:38colonel rule that's right more interesting makes it harder okay if we leave right now we could still
14:44make it to dinner at the pizza hut in the 500 year old castle and i know you want to
14:48do that
14:48that sounds lame balls i like you because you speak everything you have on your mind
14:54comes right out of your mouth you know what you're gonna make a great xl one day even for me
14:58maybe
15:01oh hey shah's rules hey he's bleeding oh my god are you okay totally unprovoked attack on an
15:09innocent bystand unprovoked yes one minute i'm the only guy in the world who can help you and the next
15:14you're flipping discs with this guy because you both hate paddington yeah you should be one talking
15:18to people about how they're treated you've been indiana jonesing me this whole time i can't believe
15:23you did this to me you know first you first you leave me for that half a funeral six years
15:27ago and
15:27now this forget it i did this to you you know we're done you know what you know i'm gonna
15:31give you the
15:31next five weekends off and you can go visit all the tiniest countries in europe and have boring sex there
15:37okay you've gone way past being co-workers to being codependent obsession we just work together
15:43i used to blame you for ruining our marriage but now i'm realizing it takes two to play frisbee golf
15:48and our sex by the way is exotic and spontaneous and sometimes it is quite kinky okay i just wanted
15:56a nice weekend with my husband for our anniversary and neither of you wanted to give me that the only
16:01difference is only one of you vowed to put me first for the rest of your life that hurts and
16:10this
16:10hurts too my nose
16:20so i stole your bag you don't say get in what is going on with you i opened the bag
16:26so i know that
16:26there's remains in there which i can't unknow or unsmell and i need you to know that i'm your
16:33friend dana i'm gonna do whatever i can to help you okay i'll call an attorney i'll call a funeral
16:37home i'll call a doctor it's probably too late for a doctor but but i will do whatever you ask
16:43me okay
16:43because i know that you would do the same for me maggie yeah they're dog ashes they're dog ashes
16:50yes they're my sweet little paprika to be exact wait why were you being so secretive about it
17:00because i told you repeatedly i didn't want to talk about it i'm just saying that sometimes being a
17:04friend is just being there well passivity is not my strong suit but but i'm gonna you know get working
17:11on that i can't believe this stole the bag yeah i suck i'm no i can't believe that you were
17:18willing to
17:18do anything for me like that is that's sweet you're a real one so that girl that you saw me
17:28arguing with at the salon okay that was actually my ex-girlfriend annie okay yeah we lived together
17:35in germany and for some reason we kept adopting elderly greyhounds which i do not recommend because
17:40at first they're already like little skeletons and then by the end they're tiny grim reapers lurking
17:45around your home just waiting to break your heart oh yeah paprika was the last dog we adopted together
17:52and when she died a couple weeks ago i asked annie to do me a favor and drive her ashes
17:57across the
17:57border so they didn't get caught up in customs and the sketchy guy at the antique store was hooking me
18:03up with an urn oh i'm so sorry for your loss okay i guess talking about things isn't so bad
18:11wow that
18:12relationship with your ex seems really complicated yeah the sharing portion is over okay it's ridiculous
18:17and it it keeps happening i know i know look i'm sorry about the trip okay i know i do
18:22this i do blame
18:23work and the colonel for our relationship problems but you're right it's my fault too okay from now on
18:28when it is our time the colonel no longer exists hey why is the door locked he has a key
18:37okay it's just for emergencies and snacks i will change the locks all right good listen up
18:42i need you to work next weekend i can't do it yeah you have to do it i'll tell you
18:46why because
18:46i was thinking about the appropriations but we're never going to get the funding we need to fix
18:50everything that's broken on the base i think we turn stroopstorf into a destination for like summits
18:56and peace talks and maybe even war planning okay okay yeah secure low-profile destination with high-end
19:01accommodations sounds useful but it's a bad time for that bad time for that okay i need you to take
19:07this proposal okay to the commander of benelux and wait three days for a response because it's time
19:13sensitive okay we need permission and he is at a conference in paris and i need you to take
19:21this public affairs officer with you because she is going to write the press release if you in fact
19:28get permission i have always wanted to go to paris let's grab these pretzels and uh oh my god no
19:39these are the ones i told you to stop getting they're too dry i mean i'm gonna eat them anyways
19:43but i'll
19:44make a list hey colonel yeah hey hey um thank you hey listen man i've been through so many divorces
19:56i can smell one coming from a mile away i just thought maybe a little febreze to take the stink
20:01off look some of the things i said i didn't mean it's just that this uh working relationship
20:11is important to me yeah yeah yeah me too i mean i'm uh you know i've to me you're my
20:20favorite uh
20:22co-worker i've ever had like i feel like we're really you know we're so uh perfect together that
20:30when you go away i'm like come on what am i gonna do i'm who can i co-work with
20:33and i can't really
20:34with anybody so i got something in my eye right now i got something oh paprika oh paprika oh that's
20:47that explains it i didn't yeah it doesn't taste like paprika
20:58sir permission to not be your friend anymore i'll pop it out because that whole thing was fake
21:02i know it started out that way but like all great movies and it turned into something real and i'm
21:06just here to let you know that it is not going to work out between us hell i couldn't handle
21:10being
21:10your fake friend i think the real thing you'd kill me guess what i'm trying to say is goodbye man
21:17goodbye to us hanging out on the weekend
21:23i didn't earn this meat gum
21:26have a good life what the hell is going on i think you just got dumped
21:35what the hell is going on i think you just got dumped on the weekend
21:36it's going so well
21:37it's going so well
21:37it's going so well
21:37it's going so well
21:39it's going so well
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